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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

They Say That It Takes A Village To Raise A Child, But We’re Cut Off From The Village (7th October 2020)

Me looking at B while she pushes her feet on my face
They Say That It Takes A Village To Raise A Child, But We’re Cut Off From The Village (7th October 2020)
 
#TiagoSaysThatWeDoNotHaveAVillage
#IPointedOutThatWeDoButItIsJustNotALocalVillageAsNoOneFromOurFamilyLivesCloseToUs
#BsSleepHasGottenWorse
#SheWasWakingUpAtNightBeforeButSheDidNotNeedToBeFedAndCouldBeSettled
#NowSheWakesUpWithAHarshCryAndWillOnlySettleIfIFeedHer
#IThinkSheFeedsMoreForComfortThanBecauseSheIsHungryThough
#SheHadInjectionsAndThatNightSheSleptStraightThrough
#WhichWasOddAsSheDoesUsuallyWakeUp
#IHaveHadToFeedHerTwiceTheLastCoupleOfNights
#WeWereGettingAnnoyedLastNight
#IPutHerOnOurBedToGetReadyToFeedHer
#ThenSheStartedToSmileAndBeAllCuteSoWeInstantlyFeltBad
#IWasReadingThatYouShouldNotWatchTVAndBeOnYourPhoneWhilstYouFeed
#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainSinceTiagoWentBackToWork
#AndTheFilmsHaveBeenHighlightsDuringLongFeeds
#AsIUsuallyFeedHerFor40Minutes
#ThereIsOnlySoMuchThatICanTalkToHerWhilstSheHasHerMouthFull
#YesIDoFeelGuilty
#MyLifeIsPrettyMuchTheSameEveryday
#IThinkThisPandemicIsMakingMoreSociallyAwkwardThanIAlreadyWas
#TheIdeaOfGroupChatsJustMakesMeFeelAnxious
#ICanNotImagineBeingInARoomFullOfPeopleAtAnEventAnymore
#ItIsSoWeird
#WeTookBSwimmingTheOtherDay
#SheSeemedToLikeItThoughWeWereOnlyInTheWaterFor20Minutes
#ItWasNiceToDoSomethingDifferentAsAFamily
#TheWeatherHasTurnedAndTheOtherDayIDidNotGoOutForAWalkThenYesterdayIGotRainedOn
#INeedToJustFocusOnTakingLifeOneDayAtATime
#AndTryToFindMorePositivityInThisWeirdTimeAsOtherwiseItIsGoingToBeAVeryLongWinter
#IReallyEnjoyedThisShootWithBSoMaybeINeedToCollaborateWithHerMore

<25th October: I wrote this blog post on 7th October.>

#TiagoSaysThatWeDoNotHaveAVillage #IPointedOutThatWeDoButItIsJustNotALocalVillageAsNoOneFromOurFamilyLivesCloseToUs

I am kind of bored with whining about not being able to see my family, and friends who live further afield. It sucks, but we are not the only people who can not see people.

We need the support, but I know that some of those who we can’t see have less day to day support, and I feel bad that we can’t help them right now.

#BsSleepHasGottenWorse #SheWasWakingUpAtNightBeforeButSheDidNotNeedToBeFedAndCouldBeSettled

Her crying was usually quite soft and with some reassurance she would usually go back to sleep.

#NowSheWakesUpWithAHarshCryAndWillOnlySettleIfIFeedHer

I try to leave it 5 minutes before going to her, but it is so loud and she sounds so distressed that I usually only manage a minute.

#IThinkSheFeedsMoreForComfortThanBecauseSheIsHungryThough

I have been feeding her a three hour-ish intervals during the day, just like when she was sleeping well. She usually goes to sleep quite quickly after being fed though.

#SheHadInjectionsAndThatNightSheSleptStraightThrough #WhichWasOddAsSheDoesUsuallyWakeUp

I figured they made her drowsy, which is normal, right?

#IHaveHadToFeedHerTwiceTheLastCoupleOfNights

Before if I had to feed her it would usually be around 4am. Last night I had to feed her around midnight, then 4am (she was crying at 3am, but I managed to settle her until 4).

#WeWereGettingAnnoyedLastNight

The first time I was really annoyed as it took me ages to fall asleep and I felt like I was just drifting off when she woke up.

#IPutHerOnOurBedToGetReadyToFeedHer

I thought she would start crying as when she is hungry she gets upset about me putting her down on the bed first.

#ThenSheStartedToSmileAndBeAllCuteSoWeInstantlyFeltBad

I think smiling and being cute is definitely due to survival instinct. How did cave women survive sore nipples without nipple cream? Smiles are powerful.

#IWasReadingThatYouShouldNotWatchTVAndBeOnYourPhoneWhilstYouFeed

Le sigh.

#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainSinceTiagoWentBackToWork #AndTheFilmsHaveBeenHighlightsDuringLongFeeds #AsIUsuallyFeedHerFor40Minutes #ThereIsOnlySoMuchThatICanTalkToHerWhilstSheHasHerMouthFull #YesIDoFeelGuilty

Do I think that most people are watching TV/on their phones whilst feeding their baby? Yes.

Have I enjoyed watching The Addams Family movies? Yes.

We live in weird times where we aren’t able to do a lot of things right now, so I don’t want to take away things that I do have. I will try turning it down and talking to her more though – or do I just say this on my blog to try to not feel so bad?

<25th October – I haven’t watched a film while feeding her in a while…>

#MyLifeIsPrettyMuchTheSameEveryday

I seem to talk frequently about how my life is 3 hour cycles during the day.

#IThinkThisPandemicIsMakingMoreSociallyAwkwardThanIAlreadyWas #TheIdeaOfGroupChatsJustMakesMeFeelAnxious #ICanNotImagineBeingInARoomFullOfPeopleAtAnEventAnymore #ItIsSoWeird

I have mentioned before about how I feel like I am getting worse at eye contact.

I have always been better at one to one conversations than group ones. I always find them awkward – particularly now in the age of zoom. I have arranged one for today, but I do not think I will attend as I do not feel up to it. I feel too crappy and I feel like the whole thing will make me feel worse.

#WeTookBSwimmingTheOtherDay #SheSeemedToLikeItThoughWeWereOnlyInTheWaterFor20Minutes #ItWasNiceToDoSomethingDifferentAsAFamily

It was quite late in the day so I felt anxious for most of it. Pre-pandemic I would worry about what to do when I got somewhere and I would try to map it all out in my mind. Pandemic measures have just made me feel more nervous, but in the end it was fine and if we go again I will know how it all works (or most of it if the rules change).

We just floated B on the surface and moved her about. She did drink some water… Oops. She seemed to enjoy it though (the swimming, not trying a new drink) and didn’t cry at all.

It was an operation to get her dressed quick after though as she got very cold after we got out. We had to bath her when we got home and I washed my hair at home too as there were signs that said we weren’t allowed to use shampoo at the pool. So it was a day long thing in the end really.

I do want to go again, but I think every week would be a bit much.

#TheWeatherHasTurnedAndTheOtherDayIDidNotGoOutForAWalkThenYesterdayIGotRainedOn

Though I did figure out how to get her pushchair rain cover on properly yesterday so I feel a little less awkward about going out now. I realised that I had lost some of my confidence with going out – we had been going out as a family for a week and I was still not used to B’s new pushchair situation.

I am definitely going to try to go out everyday though and just keep an eye on the weather.

#INeedToJustFocusOnTakingLifeOneDayAtATime #AndTryToFindMorePositivityInThisWeirdTimeAsOtherwiseItIsGoingToBeAVeryLongWinter

I had the O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack on as I was writing the hashtags. Keep On The Sunny Side was playing as I got to the end of them.

Yesterday I happened to read something about negativity bias, which I had never heard about before but I know it is something that I need to work on changing…

#IReallyEnjoyedThisShootWithBSoMaybeINeedToCollaborateWithHerMore

I wrote all the hashtags before the shoot – except for this one. I am adding this as B plays on her mat. She is getting more grabby – with her hands and feet.

Just because I am not showing her face does not mean that she can’t be in more shoots. I guess there is only so much that we can do, but she does not seem to mind just sitting/lying on me whilst I take photos.

<25th October: A few days after this shoot and hashtag we decided to leave Liverpool and move in with my Nan in Birmingham. We arrived yesterday. Packing a flat up with a 4 month old during a pandemic was not easy, and now I am looking at the mountain of stuff wondering how we are going to unpack it all.

I tried to start on it all this morning, but I just didn’t know where to start. The good thing is we don’t need most of it right now, but it’s definitely going to be a challenge.

I could have added updates to a lot of this post like I usually do, but I address a lot of it in following posts and… I’m tired.>


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