I had noticed other things weren’t showing their usual lights, and then the lamp next to the bed wouldn’t turn on. Tiago didn’t seem too bothered, but I wanted to sort it out. I was quite awake though.
I like to think I’m quite good at fixing things, but I hadn’t been able to work it out. Before it was nearly at the right time before the last clock change, then someone came and fixed the oven and set it to the right time. More exciting stuff.
I guess some couples have kids and then all they really talk about is the kids, so it was nice to think and talk about other things. We did talk about her a bit of course, but it was good to feel a bit like our old selves again too.
I’m being more generous with her paracetamol these days, as otherwise she does not nap or sleep very well. I do worry that I am drugging her at times, but it’s only when I see her with her fingers in her mouth and it’s been 4 hours since the last dose…
I mentioned I was pregnant last week and she said ‘oh me too’. I really could not tell that she was at all, but she does wear a baggy t-shirt. I had looked at moving locations and days, but I think once B goes down to one nap the other day and time will not work for us. Hopefully B will get enough stimulation at nursery and we can just do more music stuff at home.
We still wear them in shops, and I do on public transport though that is rare. I have not been wearing them in classes, but in B’s music class she does not go near anyone else and we sit far back from everyone. At another class I probably should, but no one else does… When it’s time to sing we sat at the back of the bunch.
I think my alarm had gone off but I was so disorientated that I went back to sleep and then woke up 40 minutes later and went ‘whoops’. The alarm clock in our room has weirdly disappeared while we were on holiday, but every one says they have not touched it. Weird.
The way her lip curls (I think that’s the right term?) and she looks at me. I only say no if she is doing something dangerous, so I do not feel too bad about it. She does not give T the same look though…
I decided to not wear one when I saw no one else was, but then I spent the whole class feeling uncomfortable. With this one, someone else walked in wearing one, but then took it off. I felt awkard being the only person wearing one – in case people thought I was ill or something. Oh well.
She is just doing a lot of observing, so one day she might just start to do more things, and get more involved. We just need to wait and see.
20 weeks pregnant with B comparison:
It seemed quite pushed out from an early stage this time, but I didn’t document it as it was not so interesting to me this time.
My next post will talk about my 20 week scan for baby X. It was definitely a lot easier this time round, though I was sent out to go to the toilet (weirdly I wrote holiday) to see if it would help do the last few checks.
We saw the flags and were pretty gutted. Tiago went to talk to the lifeguards to see if it was safe enough to swim/take B in. There was a set of stairs that was safe to use, but we had to be careful as waves would wash over the wall and made it a bit dangerous.
B was quite happy splashing in a little puddle on the rocks by the sea, but then after she’d had a bit of a splash in the sea she was annoyed again. She was getting quite jealous of me swimming in the sea. Better to be safe than sorry…
Today Tiago is out all day running errands, and I’m not sure how to entertain her all day. It’s times like these that I wish I could drive… Public transport around here is not easy to use/it takes forever.
People just eat later here. Yesterday I had a small dinner when B had hers (at 6ish) and then I had a second dinner at a friend’s house.
She can have a good snack when she wakes up from her second nap if she’s having a later dinner. We haven’t given her any yoghurt since we’ve been here (which we usually give her as a snack before bedtime in hope that she will sleep later).
Usually I keep a look out for them, but I was just swimming by myself and felt an electric shock in my arm. I told a friend (in bad Portuguese) and she said maybe it was muscle pain, but I didn’t think so.
Tiago was with a friend who was talking to a lifeguard, so he put some gel on it, and then a bit later the area where I got stung raised up a bit. It wouldn’t hurt and then suddenly it would. Weird. I had looked in the water but saw nothing.
I was trying to get out via a ladder, but lots of people kept jumping in so the water rose too high and I gulped some. I felt sick, but hoped the feeling would pass. I kept stopping in case I was sick, but thought I could get back to my towel and be okay. Tiago was with me as someone was watching B while we had a quick swim together. Suddenly I felt sick again, so put my hand to my mouth and some sadly sprayed out of the side of it. I felt embarrassed – especially with Covid and everything. Awkward. Tiago went back with water to clean it, but all evidence had already gone.
We have two flights by two different operators, but we bought them through one operator. The first flight is at 8am, then the second has been moved from 3pm to 8pm. Good job Tiago drove us to London as I was worried enough about catching a train with the 3pm flight (it’s a 3 hour flight). The airline we booked through don’t care, and say we can just have a refund – which isn’t great when you book months in advance for cheaper prices. The airline who delayed their flight have a first flight that is at 1pm, so that would save us waiting around so much at least but we’ll see what they say. It’s going to be a long day with a 14 month old and my pregnant belly, plus poor Tiago then has to drive us home.
The first time we went it was early in the morning and very foggy, so we were the only ones there. The second time it was quite a bit busier. There are a lot of Muscovy ducks, some Appleyards, and some I don’t know. (My parents had ducks when I was younger.)
We’ve been to a couple of swimming spots lately that I hadn’t been to before, as they’re closer and more kid friendly. I looked for a soft play or kid’s centre, but they don’t seem to have any around. Shame. Covid cases are quite low here. (I just checked and there are currently 14 people with confirmed Covid.)
The guy had just set it all down, B went to go for my water and knocked the coffee over. I went to grab it, but realised I was too late so backed away and stood up. Luckily it just caught the end of my dress, as I didn’t want a burned belly!
It’s nice that things are so kid friendly here. B had woken up early from her second nap (I think) so she had a very early bedtime, otherwise we could have brought her for a bit.
Tiago generally brings me home, then goes back out. He brought me home around 10.30pm and then got back at 2am. It’s good for him to see his friends, but I don’t know how he can stay out so late and then be fine in the morning.
I feel motivated to try to find the time and energy to study more again – I’ve been a bit ‘lazy’ with all the pregnancies and mothering. We need to watch more kids stuff in Portuguese perhaps; I’ve been enjoying watching Bluey in Portuguese.
It is going to be a shock going home to quarantine for 10 days after being out so much. I need to make an effort to do more with B when we return, especially after I get my second jab.
17 weeks pregnant with B comparison:
This time no one mentioned to me about getting the whooping cough, so I will be getting it at around 27 weeks. No one will be saying that I don’t look pregnant enough for it this time…
It’s funning reading about ‘sleeping in late’. Now I’m like what is that? I should have relaxed more when I was pregnant with B. I used to waste so much time. Now I don’t have as much time to faff…
Definitely still anxious this time around.
I feel less excited about birth this time around, even though I would say I had a good experience with B. I am mentally trying to prepare myself though and am starting to read about things again. I am excited to meet her though…
Good to know that it’s been annoying getting an appointment for my 20 week scans both times.
I wasn’t into lentils and chickpeas at the start of this pregnancy either. B has baked beans on toast a lot and they were grossing me out, but I have started to have them for lunch lately (mid-October).
I didn’t wear this cardigan after having B, but it might be more appropriate with having a winter baby this time (B was a summer baby).
We really didn’t rush to buy anything for B, and thought we didn’t need much, but after she was born we bought LOADS.
It’s weird that in the end not many people saw me heavily pregnant with B.
Well, I am yet to take it yet but it is what I have in mind. Lying in bed with my eye mask on (the one I got as an emergency in case I had to go into hospital to give birth to B – which I did).
Tiago had gone out with B to the supermarket the other night (for the first time in ages). I was about to go to sleep when I could hear that my Uncles were visiting. ‘Why does it have to be today?’ But it was nice to see them.
(19th September: I was disappointed to miss them the other day as B and I were both napping, and they only made a short visit.)
I did not want her to sleep for that long as I was worried she would have a super late bedtime. She went to bed at 7:45pm, as the England v Italy game was at 8pm and it was fine. She slept until her usual time.
It’s really down to wanting two kids and feeling like I’m not up to much at the moment besides looking after B, so it seems like a good time to try to have another one. My body felt strong enough. I have been so anxious this week about the pregnancy, but I am trying to stay calm. Two weeks until my first scan…
Obviously if she was really upset it would not be a nice thing to do, but when it seems like she just doesn’t want to do something it is a nice trick. I’d rather make her laugh than get really pissed off.
I had some crisps in the bowl. She was trying to eat them. I then put the bowl on the table and she kept going to it and digging her hands in. Later on I had my back to her and she would touch the bowl while my back was turned, then I’d turn round to look at her and she would laugh. I do love when she laughs.
She was trying to eat my Nan’s breakfast again today. I had some strawberries the other night and my plate was empty, but she would just scratch the plate anyways and then lick her fingers. She is funny.
I hadn’t napped during her second nap, so I felt tired. When I get tired I faff, but I should just relax instead. I was going to hang up the washing, but I stood up and thought I was going to be sick. I had to lie down in bed as I had already brushed my teeth and did not fancy being sick.
Shoes, phones, toys, pushchairs, whatever. If it is there B will have it.
I maybe have time for an hour nap if my brain switches off quick enough…
11 weeks pregnant with B comparison:
(19th September: Using an image with a border as my laptop stopped charging the other day, and T’s laptop seems incapable of opening editing software – I also have to paste the letter s whenever I want to use it. I am hoping to have my own again in a few days.)
I have felt just as anxious this time as I did with B. I haven’t eaten any sour sweets (I actually forgot about this), but I was eyeing up someone’s sweets on the train the other day.
My face was spotty for a bit, which was probably hormones.
I have been washing my hair even less probably, but it doesn’t look too bad.
I am now 20 weeks and I dry heave again when I brush my teeth in the evenings. This has gone on for longer than when I was pregnant with B…
I feel like I do have a big job ahead of me again, but I am a bit more relaxed about it in ways as I have been through it all once before, and I am feeling a bit more like what will happen will happen – though obviously I am hoping for the best outcomes. Fingers crossed.
It was stressing me out, so now I am glad I decided to wait.
(20th August: I ended up getting the vaccine at 13 weeks after advice became a bit more consistent. I was also swayed by a talk by Pregnant Then Screwed and Viki Male, an immunologist. Here is the talk on Instagram.)
I walked in and was like ‘why does everyone look different?’ After a while a couple more women walked in wearing them, but the teacher said we don’t have to wear them while sat down. I took mine off, though I wanted to keep it on. Next time I will as B runs off a lot so I need to get up and pick her up.
With B I had a period of two days, then it stopped so I thought it was weird, did a pregnancy test and I was about 4 weeks.
Earlier in the year when I was pregnant I had a period of sorts, then I was starting to wake up feeling sick and I was pregnant. About 6 weeks.
This time I had a normal period, then what seemed like a normal period, then a missed period. Then I did a test. I was feeling a bit sick before my missed period/or imagining things as I wanted to be pregnant. ?
So it took longer to do the referral letter this time than it did for me to get a letter in the post this time? I know they’re busy. Maybe they thought it would be quicker for me to pick it up. It seems weird though. I’m going to go pick it up now.
She said only I could say what date to put me down as. I said for 10 weeks. She said ‘well there are no beds left for then’. So I said to put me down as 6 weeks for now and we will have to see. If I wanted to be put down as 10 weeks a letter had to be sent to the higher ups or something, and maybe I am just 6 weeks. What a faff.
She said the first appointment will either be on the phone or in person. Last time they told me it would be on the phone, so things are changing.
(20th August: I was only 6 weeks here.)
6 weeks pregnant with B comparison:
Morning sickness is definitely a lie. With B I was generally sick in the mornings though struggled to eat anything at dinner except for pasta. This time I have been mostly sick in the evenings.
I didn’t like soup again this time and things like baked beans.
I haven’t had strong meat and fish cravings this time, though I’ve been taking double the amount of iron lately.
The bit about my ex-boyfriend taking pictures of me vomiting isn’t pleasant, but it’s true. Now I just take pictures of myself after vomiting…
Just got to wait for my doctor to call me next week then we can get the ball rolling.
(8th August: I can not believe that I thought I was 9 weeks. I know I just wanted to be further along than I was, but yeah… this photo shows nothing. I was 5 weeks here. I’m a bit embarrassed of this picture, but oh well.)
I’ll just have to change how I do things. I am worried more because of how tired I may be when I am pregnant. If that’s the case then we might need to look into B going to nursery here and there. I am a bit worried that she might miss out on things the more pregnant I get, but we will have to see and I just need to rest more.
I need to conserve my energy. I worry that B might miss out on things the more pregnant I get but at least we have more support here. Would I be pregnant now if we lived in Liverpool still? Maybe, maybe not.
This would have made sense, but it’s 7:45am and I’ve done my hashtags and I’m doing this blog. I want to get it done so I can tackle the rest of my to do list. I seem to work best in the morning as I know Tiago will not want to do work now, and I keep working until I start to faff.
I felt bad not being there to amuse B – we need to get one of those mirrors so B and T can see each other easily. I was more worried that she would fall asleep on the way home and then not go to bed easily. She keeps waking up half an hour after she’s gone to bed. Not sure what that is about.
There was a 3 week old baby at B’s class the other day and it was weird thinking that B used to be that size. It’s amazing how much they change in a year. The early early days where they sleep 5 times a day isn’t so bad, and I hope that breastfeeding would be easier but looking after two kids must be a lot more tiring.
The TV is on way too much for my liking, but I do like Bluey a lot. With better weather and more things reopening we can get out more which will make me feel better and B will probably enjoy it too so let’s see.
I just walked into her room one day and was surprised to see her doing it. It might have been yesterday, it might have been 2 days ago. I can’t remember, but I do remember thinking yesterday that I should imitate it.
It’s been a couple of hours since I wrote these hashtags and I already feel much better – I finished a yoga session (I stopped as I felt in the mood to write these hashtags), I did a shoot, I did 4 dance videos, I edited the dance videos, had breakfast, had a quick shower and now I’m writing these at 10.10am.
(17th May – And then I was super tired. I think I often try to do too much on Saturday mornings when Tiago is around to look after B, and I pay for it later. This Saturday I had to have a long nap in the afternoon.)
This project is all about trying to be as honest as possible about my motherhood journey. I feel like I’m honest but not as honest as I could be. I am not looking for pity or sympathy or whatever, I just want to say how I am finding things.
Like I said in my last post, it was so nice to see B smiling at everyone. Yesterday my Uncles surprised us with a visit and B was crying at them, so I think she doesn’t like people suddenly turning up on her home turf. Well, they were already in the garden but she’d just got up from a nap.
I do love you B. I’m so glad that you exist, but it’s been tough.
And I feel like people read this and think like I act like I’m the only person who has found the pandemic/lockdowns tough. Of course I know I’m not the only one. I think everyone has found it tough in one way or another. This is just my diary of sorts and so I say what I feel.
I was reading something the other day about just act like you’re the popular kid. If you act like the awkward, anxious person you are then it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. I’d feel like a fake trying to be the popular kid, but I just need to be me and stop caring so much.
I think I said that I posted in our local group about wanting to meet more people. The problem is most people are free to meet up at the weekend, which is fine, but I want more weekday friends. Weekdays are the problem!
I look most days to see if there are any new ones. I’m going to try out an outdoor exercise class next week if the weather is good, as T can put B to bed and I can still have some time afterwards to do anything that I need to do. I think it will be good for me.
She is generally getting up around 6.45am now. I don’t want to get her up earlier in able to go to classes. Nah. If she was waking up at 6am every morning still then fair enough, I’d adapt her schedule for classes.
Nap in the morning to try to get stuff done, nap in the afternoon to get minor stuff done or have a nap if there is nothing urgent to do. Or if her first nap is rubbish like yesterday, then we just deal with it and try to get more stuff done in the second nap.
Then I started to read The Magician’s Nephew by C.S. Lewis last night. I need an escape of sorts, and I’ve never read all the Narnia books. I know they’re not really for adults, but why not. I’ve just seen that this was published 6th, but my library says it is the first in the series. I was wondering why I had never heard of it before. Oh well.
Someone just slammed a door downstairs and B seems to have woken up. Great. I’m ready for a nap… I wanted to just lie in bed and rest more this morning but I thought I should get up and start doing my work. I feel less guilty for doing work on weekend mornings as I think that Tiago does not like to start his weekends with work.
B has gone back to sleep. Phew. I would have a lie down now, but our bedsheets are in the wash so I’m just going to try to do a few more things – post dance videos, edit/backup the shoot, and look at some work work that I need to do.
I was going to do this for the last shoot, but I felt like I could not justify lying on my front for a while. Today it is Sunday and I’ve done my ‘work work’ for the week so I am less stressed. I need to set up the camera before I lie down though as it might fade quick. Will I fall asleep? I might listen to a podcast or something.
B was up at 6 so she might sleep for another hour and a half now (it is 9.30am), but knowing my luck she will be awake in 10 minutes.
Great. Though last night she was screaming as she was on her front and we did turn her over. Maybe we should have left her, but it had been 5 minutes. She was probably tired from all of her moving around last night.
She does seem to move around the cot quite a lot now.
I kept rewriting this half of the hashtags as I felt like I wasn’t explaining myself well.
I was using a lot of apps and things before, but now I just do not have the energy. The other day I was lost in my own thoughts while pushing B on a swing and someone started to chat to me. The next day someone else spoke to us.
At the moment it feels like the best thing to do is to stay away from people. Also having to start over with people from square one is always awkward. People who have known me for a while know me and what I do and I do not have to explain things which is great.
It’s the whole starting over from the beginning with people that is tiring, and then they usually do not talk to you for a while/long time/ever again for whatever reason. I do not have the energy for it right now.
Oh yeah when we can go out as many times as we want and can just sit on the grass it will be great. At the moment when B naps I get things done. When she’s awake we have many hours to pass, so just chilling outside with people talking about things and letting the babies play sounds awesome.
Last week I did not do as many as I planned. I think we managed 3 out of 5 days? I do wish they had them at the weekend as it’s a good way to pass time. I do do YouTube classes with her, but it’s not the same as watching other babies on the screen.
Going out to classes was stressful, but I did feel good when I had organised things well. Now I worry about B falling asleep on the way to or from classes when she shouldn’t, but it didn’t really do much damage anyways. I guess it will be a while until we have classes in real life again, and by then I’ll know more what I am doing with B’s schedule.
Yesterday she had a big breakfast and a tiny lunch. I think this morning it was quite a big breakfast, so I will push back lunch a bit. Things like this help with scheduling her day, and B eats well enough now that she can eat when we are out and about.
Boring stuff, but it’s what I think about.
Time to lie on the floor for a shoot…
(I did not have to lie on my hands for as long as I thought I would have to to get results, but my hands are bony and it did hurt. B’s hands are a lot more fleshy. It just looks like I’ve had sunglasses on for too long or something… Fail.)