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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Squeezing Through Doors And Hoping They Don’t Squeak (4th November 2020)

Me squeezed through the door and looking at the camera.
Squeezing Through Doors And Hoping They Don’t Squeak (4th November 2020)
 
#WellMyPeriodHasFinallyRememberedHowToWorkProperlyWhichIsABitAnnoying
#IWasHopingThatIWouldGetAwayWithItForABitLongerButAtLeastTheyDoNotSeemAsPainfulAsTheyUsedToBe
#PerhapsMyBodyKnowsThatIAmNotBreastfeedingSoMuch
#BIsHavingUpTo3FormulaFeedsADayNowAndTheRestOfTheTimeIBreastfeedHerOrGiveHerExpressedMilk
#IAmWorriedThatMaybeIAmOverfeedingHerButBeforeIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnough
#SheIsRarelySickThoughAndTodayIWillDoAWeaningClassSoWeWillStartThatSoon
#TheLastCoupleOfNightsIHaveHadToSqueezeThroughASqueakyBathroomDoorToGetToMyPads
#IHaveToBeCarefulThatItDoesNotWakeBUpAsIEdgeItOpenLittleByLittle
#LastNightSheSleptThroughTheNightForWhatFeltLikeTheFirstTimeInAges
#WeHadNotGivenHerParacetamolInAFewDaysButSheWasDribblingSoMuchYesterday
#AndSheWasQuiteHappyToChompDownOnMyFingerForALongTime
#ThoughSheSleptIStillWokeUpQuiteRegularlyButLuckilyISeemAbleToGoBackToSleepPrettyQuick
#SheIsAsleepNowButIKeepThinkingThatICanHearHer
#IThinkMyBrainSometimesImaginesBabyCries
#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAboutHerHoarseVoice
#TheyCalledBackAtTheEndOfTheDayAndHeSaidJustToKeepMonitoringHerForAWeek
#ISaidItIsDifficultToDoTheAppointmentOverThePhoneAsSheDoesNotMakeSoundsOnCue
#IPreferThePhoneAppointmentsButSometimesInPersonSeemsBetter
#SheSeemsQuiteHappyThoughReallyConsideringThatSheIsUnderTheWeatherAndIsTeethingAndIsHavingADevelopmentalLeap
#TiagoTookTheDayOffWorkTodayToGoBackAndDoOneLastCleanOfOurFlatInLiverpool
#LastTimeHeLeftHomeBefore8amAndGotBackAt10pmAndHeStillHadNotFinished
#IWillBeGladWhenTodayIsOverSoThatWeCanFocusOnUnpackingThisWeekend
#WithEnglandGoingIntoASecondLockdownTomorrowIAmGladWeMovedWhenWeDid
#ThoughMovingIntoSomeoneElsesHomePresentsNewChallenges
#IFeelLikeThisProjectWillGetLessHonestAsIFeelUnableToTalkAboutEverythingAsIDoNotWantToAppearUngrateful
#IThinkSoonIWillDropThisProjectDownToOneShootAWeekUnlessAnythingMajorHappens
#OurDaysArePrettyMuchTheSame
#IAmJustObsessivelyTryingToFollowAScheduleForHerAndWorkingIfICanWhenSheSleeps
#ThoughDuringOneOfHerNapsITakeHerForAWalkWhichICurrentlyJustDaydreamThroughAsICanNotFindMyEarphones
#IWouldLikeToMakeSomeWorkWhereICanEscapeFromTheMonotomyOfOurLives

I wrote this on 4th November and forgot what an overshare it might have been…

#WellMyPeriodHasFinallyRememberedHowToWorkProperlyWhichIsABitAnnoying #IWasHopingThatIWouldGetAwayWithItForABitLongerButAtLeastTheyDoNotSeemAsPainfulAsTheyUsedToBe

I am hoping it stays this way.

#PerhapsMyBodyKnowsThatIAmNotBreastfeedingSoMuch

It has coincided with the first week of more formula feeds, but it could be a coincidence?

#BIsHavingUpTo3FormulaFeedsADayNowAndTheRestOfTheTimeIBreastfeedHerOrGiveHerExpressedMilk

Apparently some women breastfeed and get their periods straight away?

My feeding schedule does vary a bit at the moment, but for example today so far it’s been breastfeed, formula, breastfeed, formula… and I am planning to try to breastfeed next, then a bottle of expressed milk for the dream feed.

#IAmWorriedThatMaybeIAmOverfeedingHerButBeforeIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnough #SheIsRarelySickThoughSoMaybeSheIsHungrierTheseDays

With breastfeeding it is hard to know how much she is getting. With formula I know it is 210ml, then with feeding expressed milk it’s usually around 100ml.

#ThisImageIsAboutTheFactThatTheLastCoupleOfNightsIHaveHadToSqueezeThroughASqueakyBathroomDoorToGetToMyPads #IHaveToBeCarefulThatItDoesNotWakeBUpAsIEdgeItOpenLittleByLittle

The night my period arrived, T and B were already in bed so I was trying to rummage around to find them. The next day I realised they were in the bathroom, but when I needed a new one the bathroom door was closed.

It made me laugh trying to open it a little bit then trying to squeeze through and repeat. Last night I realised the door was closed again, so I had to do the same thing and noted the shoot idea down.

Writing this I realise that I need to make sure I move them out of the bathroom…

#LastNightSheSleptThroughTheNightForWhatFeltLikeTheFirstTimeInAges

Giving her formula so late in the day means that her nappy is always super heavy in the night. I end up changing it at 2am or whatever which upsets her and then I have to feed her.

#WeHadNotGivenHerParacetamolInAFewDaysButSheWasDribblingSoMuchYesterday #AndSheWasQuiteHappyToChompDownOnMyFingerForALongTime

It is so hard to know if she is in pain or not. I was cautious about giving her it as someone said that some parents just use it to make their kids drowsy, so I worry about using it for no reason. Pain might be why she hasn’t been sleeping through the night though…

#ThoughSheSleptIStillWokeUpQuiteRegularlyButLuckilyISeemAbleToGoBackToSleepPrettyQuick

It takes me so long to fall asleep at first as my brain is overthinking thing, but usually I do fall asleep quickly during the night.

#SheIsAsleepNowButIKeepThinkingThatICanHearHer #IThinkMyBrainSometimesImaginesBabyCries

I am writing this during her last nap of the day and I keep think I can hear her again. She went down too easily for this time of the day…

#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAboutHerHoarseVoice #TheyCalledBackAtTheEndOfTheDayAndHeSaidJustToKeepMonitoringHerForAWeek

I feel like today she hasn’t made that much noise, but it does seem to be getting a little bit better.

#ISaidItIsDifficultToDoTheAppointmentOverThePhoneAsSheDoesNotMakeSoundsOnCue

He got a bit annoyed at me saying that it is hard over the phone. I said I understand why they’re on the phone… I still haven’t heard from the health visitor yet. It will be good when they finally visit, though I am nervous.

#IPreferThePhoneAppointmentsButSometimesInPersonSeemsBetter

It’d be nice for her just to be checked over and so that I know everything is okay.

I am nervous that I might get told off for whatever reason though.

#SheSeemsQuiteHappyThoughReallyConsideringThatSheIsUnderTheWeatherAndIsTeethingAndIsHavingADevelopmentalLeap

She’s a bit clingy and I have to rush to do things sometimes, but she does seem okay.

#TiagoTookTheDayOffWorkTodayToGoBackAndDoOneLastCleanOfOurFlatInLiverpool #LastTimeHeLeftHomeBefore8amAndGotBackAt10pmAndHeStillHadNotFinished

Bless him. I feel bad that I can’t help him. It’s 5pm now and he thinks he’ll be there until 7pm at least. He left at around 7am…

#IWillBeGladWhenTodayIsOverSoThatWeCanFocusOnUnpackingThisWeekend

I really just want to have some things put away and to sort through our stuff, and to have some space to make work.

#WithEnglandGoingIntoASecondLockdownTomorrowIAmGladWeMovedWhenWeDid

Maybe it will only be 4 weeks, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is much longer.

#ThoughMovingIntoSomeoneElsesHomePresentsNewChallenges

I feel like perhaps this project won’t be as honest as it usually is. Well, it’ll still be honest but I feel unable to talk about some things as I don’t want to be seen as ungrateful.

It’s a difficult time for everyone right now in some way. For me I think I would feel a lot better if I could just have more conversations with people face to face and go to baby classes.

#INowKnowWithParentsThatItIsBestNotToGiveAdviceUnlessTheyAskForItAndIGuessTheSameAppliesForAllPeopleAndSubjects

Perhaps this a polite way of saying that I do not like being made to feel that I am a bad parent and that I do not know what is wrong with my child. It might not be their intention when they say things, but that is how it makes me feel.

#IThinkSoonIWillDropThisProjectDownToOneShootAWeekUnlessAnythingMajorHappens

The writing side of this takes up so much time. I could change it, but I feel like I am letting myself down in some way.

#OurDaysArePrettyMuchTheSame #IAmJustObsessivelyTryingToFollowAScheduleForHerAndWorkingIfICanWhenSheSleeps

I seem to have things to talk about, but I am sure some weeks nothing much will happen. Perhaps I just need to shorten my writing at times?

#ThoughDuringOneOfHerNapsITakeHerForAWalkWhichICurrentlyJustDaydreamThroughAsICanNotFindMyEarphonesToListenToThings

It is quite nice to actually not listen to anything and just let my brain be free for a bit. I don’t really do it enough.

Today I saw a few women with pushchairs/prams. I wanted to talk to them, but I didn’t want them to think I was weird.

#IWouldLikeToMakeSomeWorkWhereICanEscapeFromTheMonotomyOfOurLives

I don’t know when I can make a dance video again. Maybe next week? I just need to make space for it, or just totally change how I do them.

This project is too involved with scrutinising what I am doing and how things are. I need to have some art fun…


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Working On The Stairs, Listening Out For B (27th October 2020)

Sat on the bottom step of the stairs with my face lit by the light of my laptop
Working On The Stairs, Listening Out For B (27th October 2020)
 
#HereIsATerriblePhonePictureOfMeWorkingOnTheBottomOfTheStairs
#BHadGoneToBedButSheKeptWakingUpAndCryingSoItWasEasierToJustSitThereAndWork
#SheIsDefinitelyTeethingNow
#IFeelSoSorryForHerAsItMustBeHorrible
#IKnewWithHavingABabyThatIWouldDreadTheTeethingStages
#TodaySheHadFormulaForTheSecondTime
#SheHadHerFirstBottleTwoDaysAgoAsIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnough
#IGaveHerSomeTodayWhenSheWouldBarelyBreastfeedDuringOneFeed
#IPumpedAfterwardsAndBarelyAnythingCameOut
#MaybeItIsDueToStressOrMaybeItIsPermanentlyDryingUp
#IDoFeelBummedOutByItButINeedToMakeSureSheIsGettingFed
#ThereIsNoPointTorturingMyself
#TiagoWentFoodShoppingTonightSoHeBoughtABoxOfFormula
#IWouldStartWeaningHerButItSeemsThat6MonthsIsTheRecommendationNow
#SheIs4AndAHalfMonthsSoItIsNotMuchLongerToGo
#IGuessIWillTryToBreastfeedHerStillAsMuchAsICanThough
#InOtherNewsIHaveNotUnpackedMuchAtAll
#IAmTiredFromHavingToQuicklyPackEverythingUp
#TiagoNeedsToGoBackToCleanUpTheFlatAndPackTheLastFewThings
#ItWasANightmareGettingTheThingsWeNeededAndOurselvesInTheCar
#InTheEndWeJustBottleFedBSomeExpressedMilkInTheCarInTheCarparkJustSoWeCouldGetOutOfTheFlat
#WeStartedTheDayOptimisticAndThoughtWeWouldStartWithTheCleaning
#WeEvenWentForAWalkToGetLunchFromOurFavouriteFalafelPlace
#AGuyWalkedPastUsInTheStreetAndWasImpressedByTiagoCarryingB
#HeSaidHeWantedOneButIDoNotKnowIfHeWentTheCarrierOrBabyOrBoth
#BsScheduleGotSuperMessedUpButSheDidSleepForTheWholeCarJourneyAtLeast
#TodayIDecidedToExploreMoreOfTheAreaAsEvenThoughIHaveSpentSoMuchTimeHereIStillDoNotKnowWhatIsInCertainDirections
#ILikeToDrinkALotOfWaterWhenIWalkToTryToHelpWithMilkProduction
#AGuyRanPastSayingHeHopedItWasVodka
#PeopleSeemFriendlyAroundHereButIAmStressedOutByTheNarrowPaths

I am writing this on 28th October. I was too tired to do it last night/I didn’t have much time as I was actually planning on doing a shoot today, but this seemed shareable.

#HereIsATerriblePhonePictureOfMeWorkingOnTheBottomOfTheStairs

I think you can just about see that my face is lit up by the laptop screen. I balanced my phone on the radiator to take this picture.

I have really started to embrace the self-timer setting on my phone since having a baby; often it’s the easiest way to get a picture with B.

#BHadGoneToBedButSheKeptWakingUpAndCryingSoItWasEasierToJustSitThereAndWork

T had gone out food shopping and she seemed a bit too happy at bedtime, so I knew it was too good to be true. It’s always when she goes to bed at a reasonable time that she plays up for ages.

#SheIsDefinitelyTeethingNow

We need to start giving her paracetamol before she goes to bed as we end up giving it to her a lot later on and then she seems to sleep well.

#IFeelSoSorryForHerAsItMustBeHorrible

She just chews on my fingers a lot, though we have 4 different teethers now. Actually more than that I think, but her mouth is quite small at the moment, so a finger fits better.

#IKnewWithHavingABabyThatIWouldDreadTheTeethingStages

This is just the first phase of more to come. You can’t explain to her what is happening and she can’t communicate, so we’re just guessing and hoping we get things right.

#TodaySheHadFormulaForTheSecondTime #SheHadHerFirstBottleTwoDaysAgoAsIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnoughFood #IGaveHerSomeTodayWhenSheWouldBarelyBreastfeedDuringOneFeed

It’s some pre-mixed stuff. At her age they recommend 210ml at a feed, but they sell them in 200ml bottles. Cunning. She drank the whole bottle, but I think most babies will if you keep offering them milk.

#IPumpedAfterwardsAndBarelyAnythingCameOut

She had been on for a little bit but not much at all. Her first bf feed of the day is quite long as there is more milk as they have not been used in 8 hours-ish usually.

After that the feeds get very short and I think she drinks them dry, and makes a sound when she comes off. Though sometimes she will drink more, but maybe it’s to do with teething and it hurts her? She seems to prefer the bottle more as I think she uses it as a teether.

#MaybeItIsDueToStressOrMaybeMyMilkIsPermanentlyDryingUp

I am a bit stressed out.

She’s currently having her first nap of the day now, which is a great time to get things done. She usually sleeps for an hour and a half, but I can hear her now after 40 minutes. I’m just leaving it a minute in case she goes back to sleep.

She’s up now. I think it might be because of teething, so we gave her some paracetamol. I feel awkward about giving her it as I don’t like to take it much myself, but my Mum says that it’s best not to be shy about it. I’m sure if B could say if she wanted it or not she would want it.

#IDoFeelBummedOutByItButINeedToMakeSureSheIsGettingFed #ThereIsNoPointTorturingMyself

Carrying this on now that she’s gone down for another nap – nearly 2 hours later.

When other people have had problems with their milk supply I’ve said ‘why do they torture themselves? why do they not just switch to formula?’ but I get it now.

However, I spend the day worrying about whether she is getting enough or not. This morning I thought she must be as she is sleeping quite well through the night at the moment, so she can’t be too hungry.

Talking to my Mum I think that maybe she is alright. It is normal for babies to lose their appetites as their mouths hurt, so we’ll see. I think I should maybe do one formula feed a day though.

#TiagoWentFoodShoppingTonightSoHeBoughtABoxOfFormula

Reading the instructions it seems like such a faff. I think this is also why I have changed my tune a bit with her feeding…

My Mum says that B would be crying a lot more if she was hungry and not sleeping so well at night.

#IWouldStartWeaningHerButItSeemsThat6MonthsIsTheRecommendationNow #SheIs4AndAHalfMonthsSoItIsNotMuchLongerToGo

I think I’m going to do a workshop so that I do feel more comfortable with weaning as it’s not too far off now.

#IGuessIWillTryToBreastfeedHerStillAsMuchAsICanThough

I don’t want my supply to drop even lower. There’s also something in breast milk that acts as a painkiller, which is good for her teething.

#InOtherNewsIHaveNotUnpackedMuchAtAll #IAmTiredFromHavingToQuicklyPackEverythingUp

Packing and unpacking fatigue.

#TiagoNeedsToGoBackToCleanUpTheFlatAndPackTheLastFewThings

I am using us not having our box of hangers as an excuse, but once we get them I do hope to start putting things away and sorting through our stuff. We definitely need to start getting rid of more things.

#ItWasANightmareGettingTheThingsWeNeededAndOurselvesInTheCar

I would not wish moving with a baby during a pandemic on anyone.

#InTheEndWeJustBottleFedBSomeExpressedMilkInTheCarInTheCarparkJustSoWeCouldGetOutOfTheFlat

We were hoping to leave sooner, but by the time we got in the car B hadn’t slept in 3 hours. I thought there was no point just letting her sleep as I usually feed her every 3 hours during the day, so it made sense for her to eat before we left.

#WeStartedTheDayOptimisticAndThoughtWeWouldStartWithTheCleaning #WeEvenWentForAWalkToGetLunchFromOurFavouriteFalafelPlace

I had a really nice chat with the guy in the falafel place. We didn’t get out for a walk the day before, so it was nice to have a last goodbye walk in Liverpool even though it was mainly in the rain.

#AGuyWalkedPastUsInTheStreetAndWasImpressedByTiagoCarryingB #HeSaidHeWantedOneButIDoNotKnowIfHeWentTheCarrierOrBabyOrBoth

It’s always typical that when you are about to leave somewhere that you start having nice interactions with people – not that we hadn’t had any before, but I just wished that I had had more sooner.

B and I had been going on daily walks and no one had spoken to us randomly before.

#BsScheduleGotSuperMessedUpButSheDidSleepForTheWholeCarJourneyAtLeast

See above. She definitely wouldn’t have slept the whole time if we haven’t fed her before. It made sense to do it first as otherwise we would have had to stop at a service station, which would have been more stressful.

#TodayIDecidedToExploreMoreOfTheAreaAsEvenThoughIHaveSpentSoMuchTimeHereIStillDoNotKnowWhatIsInCertainDirections

I just needed to get out of the house. My daily walk is quite relaxing and it feels good to get out and about. Today I’ll maybe try to discover some other new places.

#ILikeToDrinkALotOfWaterWhenIWalkToTryToHelpWithMilkProduction #AGuyRanPastSayingHeHopedItWasVodka

I had checked behind to see if anyone was coming as I thought I could hear someone. I then must have taken a swig and it probably looked a bit suspicious.

It was nice to have an interaction with someone though. Two days before someone had warned me about a lot of goose poo on the path up ahead.

#PeopleSeemFriendlyAroundHereButIAmStressedOutByTheNarrowPaths

Yeah, the narrow goose poo paths.

I also had a chat with a neighbour yesterday – we didn’t know our neighbours in Liverpool, so it’s nice having more people to chat to.

(12th November 2020: Typically since then I haven’t had any interactions with the neighbours or spoke to any people whilst out on a walk – except when I decide just to wait for them to pass instead of squeezing down a path and they say thanks.)


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Trying To Pack Up A Flat With A 4 Month Old Is Stressful (20th October 2020)

Me pulling on my hair
Trying To Pack Up A Flat With A 4 Month Old Is Stressful (20th October 2020)
 
#TheNewNestingSideOfMeIsSoFreakedOutByTheAbsoluteMessOfOurFlat
#JustBoxesAndStuffEverywhereAndWeStillNeedToPackALotMore
#TiagoHasHiredAVanForAFewDaysTimeAndIAmAlsoStressedOutAboutThat
#HavingToGetEverythingInItAndWorryingAboutGettingToldOffForParking
#DueToThePandemicWeCanNotHaveAnyHelp
#IDoFeelABitOverwhelmedByEverything
#IWantADayOffButICanNot
#IThinkBIsTeethingNow
#WellWeThoughtSheWasBeforeButNowIThinkSheIsEvenMoreSo
#YesterdayIReallyStruggledToGetHerToTakeHerSecondNapWhichWeUsuallyHaveFewProblemsWith
#InTheEndIJustLetHerSleepOnMe
#ThenSheDidNotTakeHerFourthNapSoWePutHerToBedEarly
#ButSheJustWouldNotSettleForSoLong
#TheLastTwoDaysIHaveNotNappedDuringHerFirstNapAsIRealiseItIsTheBestTimeToGetThingsDone
#ItIsReallyHardToKnowWhatIsNormalForABabyHerAgeWhenICanNotInteractWithManyMums
#IGuessWithGoingToBabyClassesAndChildrensCentresYouWouldHaveALotOfConversationsAndCanCompareThings
#ItIsVeryDifferentToJustTalkingToPeopleViaTechnology
#MyHairIsSoGreasyInThisShoot
#IAmTryingToWriteTheseHashtagsQuicklySoICanGoWashMyHairAsItJustFeelsSoGross
#IOnlyDidOneShootLastWeekAsIFeltLikeThereWasNotMuchToSay
#IHaveJustBeenMotheringPackingCodingAndGoingForADailyWalk
#ThoughIDoNotAlwaysManageToGetOutForAWalk
#IHaveAlsoBeenSellingSomeBitsOfFurnitureWhichAlwaysTurnsInToAMassiveJob
#YesterdayTheMentalHealthServiceCalledMe
#ItWasADelayedRoutineCheckupAsIDidAnOnlineCBTCourseForAnxietyAYearAgo
#TheySaidTheyUsuallyCallAfter6MonthsButTheyAreLateDueToThePandemic
#ISaidIHaveBeenFeelingBetterWhichIsProbablyDueToTheDistractionsOfMoving
#IStillHaveNotHeardBackFromTheDoctorsOrHealthVisitorThoughAfterMyAppointmentWhereIMentionedMyMentalHealth
#IHadALongShowerForTheFirstTimeInAgesAndFeltSoMuchBetterAfter
#INeedToStartDoingAnotherSetOfHashtagsForAfterIHaveRantedAboutStuffInTheFirstLotAndThenFeelLoadsBetter
 

Hello! I’m writing this on 20th October <and adding notes on 5th November.>

This shoot was inspired by photos I took on my birthday shoot, but didn’t choose for the final picture.

Before I did the shoot I did a yoga video for stress – it was nice, but I did still feel stressed afterwards.

I finished a 30 days video class yesterday, but I am thinking that maybe I accidentally skipped a few classes as it seems like it ended so soon? I feel stronger, but the problem is when you finish something like that it is knowing what to do next. She does have other programs that I need to try to get into (mentally) ASAP.

<I am trying to get through a new 30 day challenge, though today I did the same video as yesterday as I felt like I could have done it better. I was doing some 10 minute videos, but they really weren’t enough. This morning I also did a baby yoga class with B as the more stretching I can do the better!>

#TheNewNestingSideOfMeIsSoFreakedOutByTheAbsoluteMessOfOurFlat #JustBoxesAndStuffEverywhereAndWeStillNeedToPackALotMore

I have changed a lot from the messy child that I once was, but I think since having a baby I like mess even less.

Walking through the flat is a bit like an obstacle course at the moment. We need to be careful, especially when carrying B through it all.

At least she isn’t crawling yet – it would be a bit of a nightmare.

<It turns out that unpacking with a nearly 5 month old is stressful too, who would have thought it? I am hoping that we can finally start to unpack properly this weekend!>

#TiagoHasHiredAVanForAFewDaysTimeAndIAmAlsoStressedOutAboutThat #HavingToGetEverythingInItAndWorryingAboutGettingToldOffForParking

Tiago is chilled about it all, but I was already stressing about this as soon as we said we were moving.

#DueToThePandemicWeCanNotHaveAnyHelp

Well, we could hire a man with a van, but because of the pandemic it seems easier for Tiago just to do it. I meant more help from friends etc.

<Luckily a friend came to help in the end as otherwise it would have been impossible! Moving out day was a nightmare…>

#IDoFeelABitOverwhelmedByEverything #IWantADayOffButICanNot

When I say everything, really I mean a day off from responsibilities. I just miss the days where I had all day to do my own thing, and I got a lot done but also faffed. There is no time for faffing now.

(Though last night I did watch some orangutan videos. I’m more emotional at animal and baby videos now that I have a baby.)

Though I do not want a day away from B. I love when she smiles at me. The other day she had a little giggle fit which was really sweet.

I guess things will be different when she starts to eat solid foods and she doesn’t really need me 24/7, though I will miss the ease of breastfeeding and not having to prepare food etc.

<Now that we live with my Nan, things do seem a little less full on, but I still do feel overwhelmed at times. My main concern at the moment is that she is getting stimulated enough. We do the same things everyday and there are no in person classes by us, which I think would be good for both of us.>

#IThinkBIsTeethingNow #WellWeThoughtSheWasBeforeButNowIThinkSheIsEvenMoreSo

She is dribbling a lot, but I think she might be also going through the 4-month sleep regression which explain the sleeping side of things.

<She was definitely teething and still is 🙁 >

Yesterday she did roll over for the first time in ages by herself, so it’s possible – as sleep regressions have something to do with learning new skills.

<I have an app that says that she is currently going through a developmental leap.>

#YesterdayIReallyStruggledToGetHerToTakeHerSecondNapWhichWeUsuallyHaveFewProblemsWith #InTheEndIJustLetHerSleepOnMe

Well I am writing this during her second nap and it was difficult, but I just rocked her to sleep in the end.

I know I shouldn’t do it, but yesterday she was calm whilst I was rocking her but I stopped too early and then she wouldn’t settle again.

<Today she has had two naps so far and they were both shorter than normal, and I had to rock her to sleep for both.>

#ThenSheDidNotTakeHerFourthNapSoWePutHerToBedEarly #ButSheJustWouldNotSettleForSoLong

See comment above on sleep regression…

<She has been having a fourth nap lately, but she takes ages to settle at bedtime.>

#TheLastTwoDaysIHaveNotNappedDuringHerFirstNapAsIRealiseItIsTheBestTimeToGetThingsDone

It’s usually her longest nap of the day, in terms of how long she has to sleep and how well she usually sleeps.

I try to put her down to nap after 1 1/2 hours for her first nap, after 1 3/4 hours for her second and third, then 2 hours after fourth and fifth.

Obviously this never goes to plan, but this is what I try to do.

#ItIsReallyHardToKnowWhatIsNormalForABabyHerAgeWhenICanNotInteractWithManyMums

I find it so weird that when you have a baby you pretty much get left to it. I guess in ‘normal times’ you’d have more in person support from friends and family, so people don’t see the need to worry about you.

<It has been good to see family lately and get some reassurance about things.>

#IGuessWithGoingToBabyClassesAndChildrensCentresYouWouldHaveALotOfConversationsAndCanCompareThings #ItIsVeryDifferentToJustTalkingToPeopleViaTechnology

Basically, I feel like I can’t keep talking to people about poop over WhatsApp…

#MyHairIsSoGreasyInThisShoot #IAmTryingToWriteTheseHashtagsQuicklySoICanGoWashMyHairAsItJustFeelsSoGross

I should have washed it yesterday really, but obviously my priorities are messed up.

<I washed my hair yesterday and I was thinking that I prioritise making over work over personal hygiene. Lucky Tiago…>

#IOnlyDidOneShootLastWeekAsIFeltLikeThereWasNotMuchToSay

And I did not know what to do for the shoot. I felt like if I was to have done a shoot then the pictures would have been bad and I would have felt more crummy, so I left it.

Usually my motto is ‘if you don’t try then you don’t get’, but I just wasn’t feeling very confident.

#IHaveJustBeenMotheringPackingCodingAndGoingForADailyWalk

I am nearly done with my coding project. I just need to edit the look of it, then I am going to take the rest of the week off (and probably another week) before I start the next and final course.

<I finished it, but now I don’t know how I had time to do a coding course. I’m going to leave it until next month I think.>

Next week I need to unpack and adjust to living in Birmingham really.

<Still need to unpack…>

Once the course is done I will have a lot more time to work on my stuff in the evenings, which will be good. I do like getting stuff done in the morning though so I feel like it’s not hanging over me all day.

I haven’t been reading much lately as I’ve been trying to go to bed early instead. Though last night I did start The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry.

<I didn’t finish the book before I had to send it back for the next person. I do want to get back into reading as I miss it, but I seem to favour sleep over staying up late to read these days.>

#ThoughIDoNotAlwaysManageToGetOutForAWalk

I do plan to, but the other night we were going to go for one later on in the day but by then it seemed easier for Tiago to go by himself. This is why I aim for the mid-afternoon really, so that if it is missed we can aim for the next one and then the next one. Actually I think we did move it twice…

#IHaveAlsoBeenSellingSomeBitsOfFurnitureWhichAlwaysTurnsInToAMassiveJob

SO MUCH FAFF. We have one piece left to go, which someone is meant to be collecting tonight. Fingers crossed.

<They did collect it. Phew.>

#YesterdayTheMentalHealthServiceCalledMe #ItWasADelayedRoutineCheckupAsIDidAnOnlineCBTCourseForAnxietyAYearAgo #TheySaidTheyUsuallyCallAfter6MonthsButTheyAreLateDueToThePandemic #ISaidIHaveBeenFeelingBetterWhichIsProbablyDueToTheDistractionsOfMoving

I said I was moving and they told me to call the equivalent service in Birmingham if I need to. I’ll see how things go.

#IStillHaveNotHeardBackFromTheDoctorsOrHealthVisitorThoughAfterMyAppointmentWhereIMentionedMyMentalHealth

Maybe the doctor/nurse didn’t call the health visitor. Maybe she tried to call once and because I didn’t answer she didn’t try again. Maybe too many people need her help. Who knows?

<She called after I had moved and said that no one told her that I was feeling low.>

#IHadALongShowerForTheFirstTimeInAgesAndFeltSoMuchBetterAfter

I usually just have a bath when B does these days. Again, I need to question my priorities.

#INeedToStartDoingAnotherSetOfHashtagsForAfterIHaveRantedAboutStuffInTheFirstLotAndThenFeelLoadsBetter

I need to start ranting in a diary again so I can save all the mushy happy stuff for this project. Though the whole point of this series is to be as honest as possible, but I hate coming across as so whiney.

I actually did a baby class with B for the first time in ages between the shoot and writing this, which was really nice. I need to focus more on being the best Mum I can be, but it is difficult sometimes.

Mothering is the most intense job I’ve ever had. It is rewarding, but it is also exhausting.


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