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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)
 
#IAmNotAMorningPersonAndMotherhoodIsTryingDesperatelyToTurnMeIntoOne
#BKeepsWakingUpALotAtNightAtTheMoment
#IThinkItIsBecauseOfTeethingButWeTryToSettleHerForAbout30MinutesBeforeWeResortToFeedingHer
#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier
#AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning
#YesterdayIGotACallFromThePostNatalSupportServiceThatMyHealthVisitorReferredMeTo
#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea
#IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4
#WellNowEnglandHasAnotherLockdownAgain
#IDoubtWeWillHaveABabyClassInPersonAnytimeSoonButIThinkItIsForTheBest
#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine
#TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon
#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe
#IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers
#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB
#TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt
#SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe
#SheSaidINeedToStopBeingSoHardOnMyselfAndToStopOverthinkingSoMuch
#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay
#IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse
#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup
#IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats
#WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell
#IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow
#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn
#EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll
#HavingASmallHumanHasJustPutANewLightOnALotOfThingsThatIWantToFixAboutMyself
#FromTheCallIFeelLikeIAmDoingALotOfThingsRightButIJustNeedToPracticeSomeMoreSelfCareAndSelfLove
#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne
#ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

#IAmNotAMorningPersonAndMotherhoodIsTryingDesperatelyToTurnMeIntoOne

I have not done a shoot yet, but I imagine myself looking tired as hell.

(I don’t look too bad actually, but I had been up for a few hours…)

#BKeepsWakingUpALotAtNightAtTheMoment

We need to start the sleep training that we have been on about for ages.

#IThinkItIsBecauseOfTeethingButWeTryToSettleHerForAbout30MinutesBeforeWeResortToFeedingHer

It is really hard to know what to do – maybe she is just hungry? She is eating quite a bit at meals at the moment, but maybe it’s not enough?

(Spoiler for future blog posts: We finally started it – hello night 9 tonight – and it’s been great to sleep. B hasn’t had a night feed since we started. Why did we not do it before? I also do not mind the mornings so much if I have slept well. Hurrah!)

#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier #AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning

Though last night I did put my book down at 10.45pm. I started reading quite late as my brain could not relax.

I’m currently reading Bridget Jones’s Diary as I have never read it before, and it is an easy read.

#YesterdayIGotACallFromThePostNatalSupportServiceThatMyHealthVisitorReferredMeTo

I just remembered that someone is calling me soon again – at the time when B is due to wake up.

#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea #IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4

I was feeling good so I didn’t think that she needed to check on me anyways.

#WellNowEnglandHasAnotherLockdownAgain

Things change fast.

#IDoubtWeWillHaveABabyClassInPersonAnytimeSoonButIThinkItIsForTheBest

Though they are supposed to be allowed to happen as they are support groups, but a lot of the venues are waiting for more clarification.

#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine #TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon

I felt like Nan was going out too much before as she was so bored. Now she is a bit scared, which is sad but I am glad that she seems less keen to go out now – especially as she will hopefully have the vaccine soon.

#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe #IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers

I have lost count of how many of these questionnaires I have done over the years.

#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB #TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt #SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe

I definitely have a lot of guilt these days. Even this morning I felt bad as when I was with B my brain was just thinking in hashtags…

#SheSaidINeedToStopBeingSoHardOnMyselfAndToStopOverthinkingSoMuch

I am an overthinker for sure.

#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay #IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse

I have been saying lately that I am so negative. I ran out of hashtags before I could name two positive things, but I know that we are lucky. Tiago still has a job, we are living in a nice, warm house and B does seem healthy.

#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup #IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats #WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell #IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow

I won’t be talking about the group much in future, except for probably saying how awkward I feel. No I won’t – I’ll be being positive!

It’s a confidential group so yeah what happens in the group stays in the group.

#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn #EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll

I remember going to CBT while doing my Neblina project and the guy said I had low self-esteem. I felt like a fraud with all of my work that I do and I was quite annoyed about it. However, he was right and I still need to work on it a lot.

#HavingASmallHumanHasJustPutANewLightOnALotOfThingsThatIWantToFixAboutMyself

Happy Mum, happy baby.

#FromTheCallIFeelLikeIAmDoingALotOfThingsRightButIJustNeedToPracticeSomeMoreSelfCareAndSelfLove

What happened to the mother of the one month old doing face masks? I need to find her again.

I wish I could have bottled the hormones I had a week after B was born. I felt so high and confident – I could have taken on the world. I really miss that version of me. I feel like that was the real me deep down under the layers of stress, guilt and shame.

#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne #ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

Luckily I didn’t break the law yesterday as I did not feel up to two walks.

Let’s see how long this goes on for… the lockdown that is.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Have Started To Balance Things On My Head For B’s Amusement (30th December 2020)

I Have Started To Balance Things On My Head For B’s Amusement (30th December 2020)
 
#ItIs9InTheMorningAndBIsHavingANap
#WeMadeAnEffortToStartTheDayAt7TodayThoughYesterdayItWasMoreLike5
#IFeelLikeBJustHadAReallyFunHourAndIWishICouldBeThatHighEnergyAllDayWithHer
#LotsOfSingingSongsAndLiftingHerIntoTheAirAndReadingBooksEtc
#TheOtherDayIHadARagingHeadacheAndStillManagedToPretendToBeAHorseWhileSingingTheWilliamTellOverture
#WeBounceHerUpAndDownWhileWeSingItButWeGetExtraGigglesIfOneOfUsIsAHorseToo
#IAlsoLoveHowILookForwardToHavingMeTimeButThenISpendSomeOfItLookingAtPicturesAndVideosOfHer
#SheHasBeenABitGrumpyTheLastFewDaysBecauseOfTeething
#WeWentToMyParentsHouseTheOtherDayForTheFirstTimeInMonths
#WeAreAllowedToBeInASupportBubbleWithThemAsBIsUnder1
#BWasCryingAsSheDidNotRecogniseMyDadAndWasEvenBeingFunnyWithMyMumEvenThoughSheSeesHerAFewTimesAWeek
#IHopeTheTeethingStopsForABitSoonAsIFeelBadForB
#INeedToStopMakingHerNewFoodAndUseWhatWeHaveInTheFreezer
#ISuddenlyRealisedYesterdayThatSoonSheWillBe7MonthsAndCanStartEatingOtherThings
#AndWeHaveAFreezerFullOfHomemadeBabyFoodAndNoSpareTubsForNewStuff
#IThinkIAmGivingHerTooMuchPorridgeInTheMorningAsSheDoesNotLikeToEatMuchForLunch
#ButSheGenerallyAlwaysEatsHerPorridgeSoIUsuallyMakeABatchWhichIsEnoughFor3Days
#YesterdayIMadeSomeCourgetteSpringOnionRiceWithCheese
#SheDidNotSeemImpressedByItButIEnjoyedEatingSome
#TodaySheMightEatItAllSoYouNeverKnowThoughIWillTryGivingItToHerForDinnerRatherThanLunch
#InOtherNewsIHaveCompletedMyKegelsApp
#WellItIsNotCompletedAsKegelsAreForLifeNotJustUntilYouReachTheHardestLevel
#TheyAreSoTimeConsumingNowAndIProbablyDoNotDoThemThatWellButIGuessSomeIsBetterThanNone
#INeedToGoOnATrampolineAndSeeHowEffectiveTheyReallyAre
#IAlsoNeedToStopTalkingSoMuchRubbishToPeople
#IJustGetVerbalDiarrhoeaAndAfterwardsICringeAtAllOfTheThingsThatIHaveSaid
#IHaveSaidItBeforeButIThinkThisPandemicHasImpactedMySocialSkills
#ObviouslyWorseThingsHaveHappenedToALotOfPeopleButItIsAWeirdSideEffect
#ThoughReallyIThinkMySocialSkillsHaveAlwaysBeenBadAndIAmJustMoreAwareOfThingsAtTheMoment
#ItHasSnowedTheLastCoupleOfDaysAndBSeemsALittleIntriguedByItButObviouslyICanNotFindOutWhatSheReallyThinksAboutItAll

(The photo is of me stacking B’s cups on my head – thanks to my sister for sending these! B was actually having a nap when I did this, so she wasn’t harmed by my failed attempts. She didn’t even wake up at the sound of them all falling! I usually put just one on my head to amuse her…)

This post is fuelled by Nights On Broadway by the Bee Gees. I’m writing this on 30th December 2020 – and I can not believe that this year is nearly over. Do I think 2021 will be much different? Hmm…

#ItIs9InTheMorningAndBIsHavingANap #WeMadeAnEffortToStartTheDayAt7TodayThoughYesterdayItWasMoreLike5

I need to wake her up in about 20 minutes, so I need to write quick.

#IFeelLikeBJustHadAReallyFunHourAndIWishICouldBeThatHighEnergyAllDayWithHer #LotsOfSingingSongsAndLiftingHerIntoTheAirAndReadingBooksEtc

In the morning I can not be bothered to leave our bedroom, so I usually get B’s milk (which I do have to leave the room for) and Tiago feeds her while I do yoga. Then he goes off to shower and start work, while I entertain B until naptime.

I think there are less distractions in our room (well there is no TV), so it’s generally better quality time. We didn’t have a TV in Liverpool and my Nan is usually watching it – I should really move B’s stuff away from the TV.

#TheOtherDayIHadARagingHeadacheAndStillManagedToPretendToBeAHorseWhileSingingTheWilliamTellOverture #WeBounceHerUpAndDownWhileWeSingItButWeGetExtraGigglesIfOneOfUsIsAHorseToo

I just randomly started to do it one day and she laughed. Anything that makes her laugh is a winner obviously. She was so grumpy from teething that I wanted to cheer her up, so I didn’t care that my head was pounding.

#IAlsoLoveHowILookForwardToHavingMeTimeButThenISpendSomeOfItLookingAtPicturesAndVideosOfHer

We made some videos the other day of B giggling from T just putting his finger in his mouth and then suddenly pointing the same finger (yeah, really non-exciting stuff but B loves it). I can hear Tiago watching them all the time…

#SheHasBeenABitGrumpyTheLastFewDaysBecauseOfTeething

🙁

#WeWentToMyParentsHouseTheOtherDayForTheFirstTimeInMonths #WeAreAllowedToBeInASupportBubbleWithThemAsBIsUnder1 #BWasCryingAsSheDidNotRecogniseMyDadAndWasEvenBeingFunnyWithMyMumEvenThoughSheSeesHerAFewTimesAWeek

My Mum usually comes to us as she does some chores for my Nan. I think B was just a bit weirded out by being in a new place and maybe she didn’t recognise my Mum in a different place? She’s seen my Dad once before since we moved, but that was at my Nan’s house (where we live) and so she was okay with it. Babies are weird…

#IHopeTheTeethingStopsForABitSoonAsIFeelBadForB

Things would be so much easier if she could communicate.

#INeedToStopMakingHerNewFoodAndUseWhatWeHaveInTheFreezer #ISuddenlyRealisedYesterdayThatSoonSheWillBe7MonthsAndCanStartEatingOtherThings #AndWeHaveAFreezerFullOfHomemadeBabyFoodAndNoSpareTubsForNewStuff

We also have quite a few 4-6 months pouches. I guess I can just add other things to them if we don’t get through it all.

#IThinkIAmGivingHerTooMuchPorridgeInTheMorningAsSheDoesNotLikeToEatMuchForLunch #ButSheGenerallyAlwaysEatsHerPorridgeSoIUsuallyMakeABatchWhichIsEnoughFor3Days

I find it filling and I don’t know how she eats as much as she does. No wonder she doesn’t eat much lunch.

#YesterdayIMadeSomeCourgetteSpringOnionRiceWithCheese #SheDidNotSeemImpressedByItButIEnjoyedEatingSome

Soon we should start just giving her a bit of our dinners, but I worry that she might not get as much variety. I do really need to sit down and do a meal plan. At the moment we’ve been getting those recipe boxes a bit – they’re good, but sometimes it can feel quite overwhelming to finish everything.

#TodaySheMightEatItAllSoYouNeverKnowThoughIWillTryGivingItToHerForDinnerRatherThanLunch

There’s a butternut squash dish that I make for her. The first time she loved it, the second time she didn’t, and the third time she loved it. I also need to stop giving her new dishes when I am in a rush to go out – we were going out for a walk to meet a Mum and her baby.

#InOtherNewsIHaveCompletedMyKegelsApp

I did not even know it was possible.

#WellItIsNotCompletedAsKegelsAreForLifeNotJustUntilYouReachTheHardestLevel

Yes.

#TheyAreSoTimeConsumingNowAndIProbablyDoNotDoThemThatWellButIGuessSomeIsBetterThanNone #INeedToGoOnATrampolineAndSeeHowEffectiveTheyReallyAre

The app is really good – Kegel Exercises – with daily reminders and I feel guilty if I do not do them. I still remember a midwife on the ward telling us all to do them, otherwise we’ll regret it when we’re older.

#IAlsoNeedToStopTalkingSoMuchRubbishToPeople

And perhaps in these hashtags.

#IJustGetVerbalDiarrhoeaAndAfterwardsICringeAtAllOfTheThingsThatIHaveSaid

There are many conversations that I have had with people from baby classes which I wish I could start over.

#IHaveSaidItBeforeButIThinkThisPandemicHasImpactedMySocialSkills #ObviouslyWorseThingsHaveHappenedToALotOfPeopleButItIsAWeirdSideEffect

I just have flashbacks to things I have said and cringe, all the time.

#ThoughReallyIThinkMySocialSkillsHaveAlwaysBeenBadAndIAmJustMoreAwareOfThingsAtTheMoment

Yeah, my people skills have always been rubbish, but they seem to be getting worse.

I am also guilty of being quite hard on myself. Maybe people think the same about what they have said to me, but I rarely think ‘oh, why did they say that?’ or something along those lines.

#ItHasSnowedTheLastCoupleOfDaysAndBSeemsALittleIntriguedByItButObviouslyICanNotFindOutWhatSheReallyThinksAboutItAll

I have said it 100 times, but what is B thinking? I would love to know.

(Cue that Think About Things song by Daði Freyr.)


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B’s One Red Cheek (19th December 2020)

Me with one orange cheek, and holding a side ponytail.
Imitating B’s One Red Cheek (19th December 2020)
 
#BHasBeenTeethingSinceBeforeWeMoved
#SheStillDoesNotHaveAToothToShowForItAllButMaybeOneIsNearlyHere
#SheUsuallyHasTwoRedCheeksWhenItIsAtItsWorst
#ButTheOtherDaySheHadJustOneForTheFirstTime
#IUsuallyGiveHerSomeTeethingPowderDuringTheDay
#IWouldNotHaveThoughtItWouldWorkButAFriendRecommendedIt
#AndThenAtNightIfItSeemsBadIWillGiveHerParacetamol
#SheWokeUpALotLastNightSoIProbablyShouldHaveGivenHerSomeMore
#IWishSheCouldCommunicateAndLetUsKnowIfSheIsInALotOfPain
#IJustDoNotWantToGiveHerTooMuchParacetamolUnnecessarily
#MyPlanToGetUpAt7ishHasNotBeenGoingSoWellTheLastCoupleOfDays
#TypicallyWeAlwaysSeemToGetUpLateOnDaysWhereWeNeedToBeOutOfTheHouseInTheMorning
#YesterdayIReadAnArticleAboutMotherhoodAndArtistsAt2amAndCouldNotSleepAgainUntil5am
#MyBrainWouldNotStopThinkingAboutIt
#IFeelLikeIShouldNotBeMakingSoMuchWorkAboutMotherhood
#ButItIsAHugeNewPartOfMyLifeAndSoItSeemsLikeAnObviousThingToDo
#EspeciallyWhenMyWorkIsALotAboutProcessingMyThoughtsAndFeelingsMostOfTheTime
#IHaveBeenFeelingFineMentallyStill
#ThoughOnDaysWhereItRainsAllDayIDoFeelALittleStuckIndoors
#YesterdayWeManagedToWalkToAClassAndAvoidTheRainOnTheWayThere
#EveryoneHadTheirBabiesInChristmasOutfits
#IManagedToPutBInSomethingOtherThanAOnesieButSheLookedLikeSheWasDressedForEaster
#AtLeastIHadRedAndGreenSocksOnButTheyWereWatermelonRelated
#IAmNotTooFussedAboutChristmas
#BWillNotRealiseWhatIsGoingOn
#IHaveAlreadyGivenHerHerChristmasPresentAsIDidNotSeeThePointOfWaiting
#SheLikesTheMonkeyPuppetThatTheTeacherInYesterdaysClassUses
#WeWereWaitingForTiagoToPickUsUpAndIMentionedThatIWantedToGetBOne
#TheTeacherSellsThemSoIGotHerOneAndGaveItHerInTheCar
#OpeningAndClosingItsMouthIsAGoodHandStrengtheningWorkout

(I wrote this post on 19th December.

I used a sample of blusher that I got with some makeup I ordered on a post-birth high. The blusher was more orange than the red I expected it to be, and I haven’t really worn the other makeup that I bought.

You can also see a little scratch from B on my face.)

#BHasBeenTeethingSinceBeforeWeMoved

It seemed to get really bad around the day that Tiago was driving a van load of our stuff to Birmingham. Typical.

#SheStillDoesNotHaveAToothToShowForItAllButMaybeOneIsNearlyHere #SheUsuallyHasTwoRedCheeksWhenItIsAtItsWorst #ButTheOtherDaySheHadJustOneForTheFirstTime

I am thinking that because of the one red cheek that one is going to come through on that side first? Who knows.

#IUsuallyGiveHerSomeTeethingPowderDuringTheDay #IWouldNotHaveThoughtItWouldWorkButAFriendRecommendedIt

We use the Ashtons & Parsons ones (no, I’m not making money for the recommendation).

My Mum said she never used them as she thought they wouldn’t work, but she’s really impressed by them.

#AndThenAtNightIfItSeemsBadIWillGiveHerParacetamol #SheWokeUpALotLastNightSoIProbablyShouldHaveGivenHerSomeMore #IWishSheCouldCommunicateAndLetUsKnowIfSheIsInALotOfPain #IJustDoNotWantToGiveHerTooMuchParacetamolUnnecessarily

I really don’t like taking medications unless I feel quite bad. I shouldn’t make B suffer though. If she seems in pain I will give it to her. I think I got put off by my Mum saying that some people just give it to their kids to make them sleep through the night. Obviously I want B to sleep through the night, but I didn’t want to feel like I was just trying to drug her.

#MyPlanToGetUpAt7ishHasNotBeenGoingSoWellTheLastCoupleOfDays #TypicallyWeAlwaysSeemToGetUpLateOnDaysWhereWeNeedToBeOutOfTheHouseInTheMorning

It’s been months since I’ve set alarms and used the snooze button. Snooze is my best/worst friend again…

#YesterdayIReadAnArticleAboutMotherhoodAndArtistsAt2amAndCouldNotSleepAgainUntil5am #MyBrainWouldNotStopThinkingAboutIt

Do Female Artists Have to Choose Between Motherhood and a Career?‘ by Hettie Judah.

I’m currently writing an article about how my art practice has changed since having a baby and I just kept sending myself notes and thoughts.

#IFeelLikeIShouldNotBeMakingSoMuchWorkAboutMotherhood

I guess from what I’ve heard people do not take you seriously as an artist if you make a lot of work about motherhood. This also seems rubbish though as everyone is born in some way and so many people are mothers.

#ButItIsAHugeNewPartOfMyLifeAndSoItSeemsLikeAnObviousThingToDo #EspeciallyWhenMyWorkIsALotAboutProcessingMyThoughtsAndFeelingsMostOfTheTime

I like to think that my work is helpful for other people. I have had some Dads tell me how they’ve found this project and/or my pregnancy one useful.

It’s all a nice record for me too. I can’t believe how much B has grown and it’s been a blur. My pregnancy feels like a past life already, so it’s nice to be able to trigger memories and things through my work.

#IHaveBeenFeelingFineMentallyStill #ThoughOnDaysWhereItRainsAllDayIDoFeelALittleStuckIndoors

Oh winter. Though yesterday I did just brave a trip out in the afternoon to return something.

#YesterdayWeManagedToWalkToAClassAndAvoidTheRainOnTheWayThere

During the class it started to POUR.

#EveryoneHadTheirBabiesInChristmasOutfits #IManagedToPutBInSomethingOtherThanAOnesieButSheLookedLikeSheWasDressedForEaster #AtLeastIHadRedAndGreenSocksOnButTheyWereWatermelonRelated #IAmNotTooFussedAboutChristmas

Yeah, no Christmas clothes for B. Maybe when she’s older and likes Christmas but at the moment I’m really not bothered.

We need to sort out what we’re having for food and things, but I’m also not fussed. Think we’re just going to get lots of snack foods. We had some good cheese and pickle bites the other day.

#BWillNotRealiseWhatIsGoingOn

It looks like the Government is backtracking on people meeting up too. When they announced that we could I knew it was too early.

#IHaveAlreadyGivenHerHerChristmasPresentAsIDidNotSeeThePointOfWaiting #SheLikesTheMonkeyPuppetThatTheTeacherInYesterdaysClassUses #WeWereWaitingForTiagoToPickUsUpAndIMentionedThatIWantedToGetBOne #TheTeacherSellsThemSoIGotHerOneAndGaveItHerInTheCar

Hurrah. That was super easy. I had looked for one the other day, but didn’t like any. At the first class B was absolutely transfixed by it.

#OpeningAndClosingItsMouthIsAGoodHandStrengtheningWorkout

It is a lot of work. so I’ll have strong hands in no time. Maybe then I should go bouldering…

This post has been fuelled by Agnes Obel’s song Broken Sleep.

Me dancing to the song (made since I wrote this post).

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Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Toes (24th November 2020)

Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Toes (24th November 2020)
 
#ThisShootWasMeJustImitatingBWhenSheDoesTheHappyBabyYogaPoseAndWhenSheTriesToPutHerToesInHerMouth
#ICanSeeHowThePoseGotTheNameNow
#SheHasBeenDoingThisForAWhileButMyPlanOfCopyingHerHasBeenNeglectedForAWhile
#YesterdayITookHerOutForTwoWalksDuringHerAwakeTimes
#HerWakeWindowsAreUsuallyBetweenTwoAndTwoAndAHalfHoursNow
#ThatIsALongTimeToEntertainHer4TimesADay
#SoItMakesSenseToTakeHerOutDuringHerPlaytimesRatherThanNaptimes
#IPutHerForwardFacingInHerCarrierForTheFirstTime
#SheIsOldEnoughNowAndIFiguredItMightBeBetterForLettingHerSeeThings
#FirstITookHerOutInTheMorningAndALotOfPeopleSaidGoodMorningToUsWhichWasReallyNice
#SheJustSeemedToCheerSomePeopleUpAndWeStoppedToTalkToAYoungGirlAndHerFamilyWhoHadPointedAtHer
#IWalkedForABitTooLongAndBFellAsleep
#NextITookHerOutInTheAfternoonButWeDidNotMakeItSoFar
#ThereWereALotOfSchoolKidsAroundWhichFreaksMeOutALittleBitSoNextTimeWeNeedToBeEarlier
#IHadPutSomeLittleBootsOnHerFeet
#ButAfterGettingHomeTheSecondTimeICouldNotFindOneOfThem
#IWaitedForTiagoToFinishAWorkCallSoHeCouldWatchB
#ThenIRetracedOurStepsAndFoundItNotSoFarAwayOnAPath
#SoINeedToBeCarefulAboutTheAmountOfTimeAndKeepAnEyeOnHerBoots
#TheWeatherWasReallyNiceYesterdayButPuttingHerInTheCarrierMightNotBeAGreatPlanForEveryday
#SheHasBeenWakingUpALotAtNightLatelyWhichIsMakingTAndIABitGrumpy
#LastWeekSheWasStillBreastfeedingTwoOrThreeTimesADay
#ButNowSheReallyDoesNotWantToBreastfeedWhichIsABitOfAShame
#IThinkItProbablyHasALotToDoWithHerTeething
#ThoughSometimesIAmTryingToGetHerToLatchOnAndSheJustTipsHerHeadBackAndLooksLonginglyAtAnEmptyBottleThatIForgotToMove
#MyMumSaysThatSheWantedToBreastfeedMySistersAndIForLongerButWeStoppedBeingInterestedAround4Months
#TodayIMightJustTryFormulaFeedingHerForEveryFeedAndSeeIfThatHelpsWithHerSleep
#IAlsoMightGiveHerSomeBabyRiceTodayButIFeelLikeISayThatEveryday
#IAmCurrentlySpendingALotOfMyFreeTimePlanningForAHashtagWorkshop
#IAmNervousAboutItButIHopeThatItGoesWellAndThatPeopleEnjoyIt

(I wrote this on 24th November.)

#ThisShootWasMeJustImitatingBWhenSheDoesTheHappyBabyYogaPoseAndWhenSheTriesToPutHerToesInHerMouth

Classic B.

#ICanSeeHowThePoseGotTheNameNow

I could kind of see how it did before, but having a baby has made it very clear.

#SheHasBeenDoingThisForAWhileButMyPlanOfCopyingHerHasBeenNeglectedForAWhile

I have a list of shoot ideas, but actually this idea is not as old as I thought – I added it on 22nd October.

#YesterdayITookHerOutForTwoWalksDuringHerAwakeTimes #HerWakeWindowsAreUsuallyBetweenTwoAndTwoAndAHalfHoursNow #ThatIsALongTimeToEntertainHer4TimesADay #SoItMakesSenseToTakeHerOutDuringHerPlaytimesRatherThanNaptimes

Well, I know that during her awake times I am feeding her, changing her and other things, but still it leaves a lot of play time.

#IPutHerForwardFacingInHerCarrierForTheFirstTime

The day before Tiago had taken her out facing him.

#SheIsOldEnoughNowAndIFiguredItMightBeBetterForLettingHerSeeThings

Just another one of those things that seems scary to do, but once you do it it seems easy. I’ll just have to see if I can higher her up anymore.

#FirstITookHerOutInTheMorningAndALotOfPeopleSaidGoodMorningToUsWhichWasReallyNice

At one point I think I was having a competition with myself to see how many I could get to say good morning to me or back to me.

#SheJustSeemedToCheerSomePeopleUpAndWeStoppedToTalkToAYoungGirlAndHerFamilyWhoHadPointedAtHer

With her being on me it’s a lot easier to move out of the way of people too if paths are too narrow.

#IWalkedForABitTooLongAndBFellAsleep

So when I got home and wanted her to have a nap, she took longer to fall asleep than usual.

#NextITookHerOutInTheAfternoonButWeDidNotMakeItSoFar #ThereWereALotOfSchoolKidsAroundWhichFreaksMeOutALittleBitSoNextTimeWeNeedToBeEarlier

It just gets a bit busy when all the kids are walking home from school and they seem to hang around more than I thought they would. I think they all get let out at different times too so when one lot seems to clear, a new lot soon appears.

#IHadPutSomeLittleBootsOnHerFeet #ButAfterGettingHomeTheSecondTimeICouldNotFindOneOfThem

Classic me. I thought it must have just fallen off when I lifted her out of her carrier, but I couldn’t see it.

#IWaitedForTiagoToFinishAWorkCallSoHeCouldWatchB #ThenIRetracedOurStepsAndFoundItNotSoFarAwayOnAPath

I was so proud of myself for finding it. I was worried as I had walked across a big patch of grass, which would have made it easier to find, but it had probably dropped just before I went onto it.

#SoINeedToBeCarefulAboutTheAmountOfTimeAndKeepAnEyeOnHerBoots

Shorter walks. Check boots. Got it.

#TheWeatherWasReallyNiceYesterdayButPuttingHerInTheCarrierMightNotBeAGreatPlanForEveryday

I need to get a rain cover for it…

#SheHasBeenWakingUpALotAtNightLatelyWhichIsMakingTAndIABitGrumpy

When she woke up for the last time at 6.30am it felt like it was 3am and I was like erghhhh.

#LastWeekSheWasStillBreastfeedingTwoOrThreeTimesADay

Great.

#ButNowSheReallyDoesNotWantToBreastfeedWhichIsABitOfAShame

I am a bit saddened by it.

#IThinkItProbablyHasALotToDoWithHerTeething

Yeah, it can’t be too comfortable at the moment. She has been teething for about a month, which doesn’t help.

#ThoughSometimesIAmTryingToGetHerToLatchOnAndSheJustTipsHerHeadBackAndLooksLonginglyAtAnEmptyBottleThatIForgotToMove

It’s probably nicer to teethe on.

#MyMumSaysThatSheWantedToBreastfeedMySistersAndIForLongerButWeStoppedBeingInterestedAround4Months

Maybe she’s more like me than she looks… (She looks more like Tiago.)

#TodayIMightJustTryFormulaFeedingHerForEveryFeedAndSeeIfThatHelpsWithHerSleep #IAlsoMightGiveHerSomeBabyRiceTodayButIFeelLikeISayThatEveryday

Between writing the hashtags and writing this blog post I did give her some. It went well. If I remember I’ll probably talk about it in my next blog post.

#IAmCurrentlySpendingALotOfMyFreeTimePlanningForAHashtagWorkshop #IAmNervousAboutItButIHopeThatItGoesWellAndThatPeopleEnjoyIt

Luckily I did a university lecture last week, so I am feeling a little less awkward about it. I really hope that people enjoy it.

I was going to post a link to the workshop, but by the time I post this it will have already happened. Wishing myself luck from the past and future…


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Squeezing Through Doors And Hoping They Don’t Squeak (4th November 2020)

Me squeezed through the door and looking at the camera.
Squeezing Through Doors And Hoping They Don’t Squeak (4th November 2020)
 
#WellMyPeriodHasFinallyRememberedHowToWorkProperlyWhichIsABitAnnoying
#IWasHopingThatIWouldGetAwayWithItForABitLongerButAtLeastTheyDoNotSeemAsPainfulAsTheyUsedToBe
#PerhapsMyBodyKnowsThatIAmNotBreastfeedingSoMuch
#BIsHavingUpTo3FormulaFeedsADayNowAndTheRestOfTheTimeIBreastfeedHerOrGiveHerExpressedMilk
#IAmWorriedThatMaybeIAmOverfeedingHerButBeforeIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnough
#SheIsRarelySickThoughAndTodayIWillDoAWeaningClassSoWeWillStartThatSoon
#TheLastCoupleOfNightsIHaveHadToSqueezeThroughASqueakyBathroomDoorToGetToMyPads
#IHaveToBeCarefulThatItDoesNotWakeBUpAsIEdgeItOpenLittleByLittle
#LastNightSheSleptThroughTheNightForWhatFeltLikeTheFirstTimeInAges
#WeHadNotGivenHerParacetamolInAFewDaysButSheWasDribblingSoMuchYesterday
#AndSheWasQuiteHappyToChompDownOnMyFingerForALongTime
#ThoughSheSleptIStillWokeUpQuiteRegularlyButLuckilyISeemAbleToGoBackToSleepPrettyQuick
#SheIsAsleepNowButIKeepThinkingThatICanHearHer
#IThinkMyBrainSometimesImaginesBabyCries
#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAboutHerHoarseVoice
#TheyCalledBackAtTheEndOfTheDayAndHeSaidJustToKeepMonitoringHerForAWeek
#ISaidItIsDifficultToDoTheAppointmentOverThePhoneAsSheDoesNotMakeSoundsOnCue
#IPreferThePhoneAppointmentsButSometimesInPersonSeemsBetter
#SheSeemsQuiteHappyThoughReallyConsideringThatSheIsUnderTheWeatherAndIsTeethingAndIsHavingADevelopmentalLeap
#TiagoTookTheDayOffWorkTodayToGoBackAndDoOneLastCleanOfOurFlatInLiverpool
#LastTimeHeLeftHomeBefore8amAndGotBackAt10pmAndHeStillHadNotFinished
#IWillBeGladWhenTodayIsOverSoThatWeCanFocusOnUnpackingThisWeekend
#WithEnglandGoingIntoASecondLockdownTomorrowIAmGladWeMovedWhenWeDid
#ThoughMovingIntoSomeoneElsesHomePresentsNewChallenges
#IFeelLikeThisProjectWillGetLessHonestAsIFeelUnableToTalkAboutEverythingAsIDoNotWantToAppearUngrateful
#IThinkSoonIWillDropThisProjectDownToOneShootAWeekUnlessAnythingMajorHappens
#OurDaysArePrettyMuchTheSame
#IAmJustObsessivelyTryingToFollowAScheduleForHerAndWorkingIfICanWhenSheSleeps
#ThoughDuringOneOfHerNapsITakeHerForAWalkWhichICurrentlyJustDaydreamThroughAsICanNotFindMyEarphones
#IWouldLikeToMakeSomeWorkWhereICanEscapeFromTheMonotomyOfOurLives

I wrote this on 4th November and forgot what an overshare it might have been…

#WellMyPeriodHasFinallyRememberedHowToWorkProperlyWhichIsABitAnnoying #IWasHopingThatIWouldGetAwayWithItForABitLongerButAtLeastTheyDoNotSeemAsPainfulAsTheyUsedToBe

I am hoping it stays this way.

#PerhapsMyBodyKnowsThatIAmNotBreastfeedingSoMuch

It has coincided with the first week of more formula feeds, but it could be a coincidence?

#BIsHavingUpTo3FormulaFeedsADayNowAndTheRestOfTheTimeIBreastfeedHerOrGiveHerExpressedMilk

Apparently some women breastfeed and get their periods straight away?

My feeding schedule does vary a bit at the moment, but for example today so far it’s been breastfeed, formula, breastfeed, formula… and I am planning to try to breastfeed next, then a bottle of expressed milk for the dream feed.

#IAmWorriedThatMaybeIAmOverfeedingHerButBeforeIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnough #SheIsRarelySickThoughSoMaybeSheIsHungrierTheseDays

With breastfeeding it is hard to know how much she is getting. With formula I know it is 210ml, then with feeding expressed milk it’s usually around 100ml.

#ThisImageIsAboutTheFactThatTheLastCoupleOfNightsIHaveHadToSqueezeThroughASqueakyBathroomDoorToGetToMyPads #IHaveToBeCarefulThatItDoesNotWakeBUpAsIEdgeItOpenLittleByLittle

The night my period arrived, T and B were already in bed so I was trying to rummage around to find them. The next day I realised they were in the bathroom, but when I needed a new one the bathroom door was closed.

It made me laugh trying to open it a little bit then trying to squeeze through and repeat. Last night I realised the door was closed again, so I had to do the same thing and noted the shoot idea down.

Writing this I realise that I need to make sure I move them out of the bathroom…

#LastNightSheSleptThroughTheNightForWhatFeltLikeTheFirstTimeInAges

Giving her formula so late in the day means that her nappy is always super heavy in the night. I end up changing it at 2am or whatever which upsets her and then I have to feed her.

#WeHadNotGivenHerParacetamolInAFewDaysButSheWasDribblingSoMuchYesterday #AndSheWasQuiteHappyToChompDownOnMyFingerForALongTime

It is so hard to know if she is in pain or not. I was cautious about giving her it as someone said that some parents just use it to make their kids drowsy, so I worry about using it for no reason. Pain might be why she hasn’t been sleeping through the night though…

#ThoughSheSleptIStillWokeUpQuiteRegularlyButLuckilyISeemAbleToGoBackToSleepPrettyQuick

It takes me so long to fall asleep at first as my brain is overthinking thing, but usually I do fall asleep quickly during the night.

#SheIsAsleepNowButIKeepThinkingThatICanHearHer #IThinkMyBrainSometimesImaginesBabyCries

I am writing this during her last nap of the day and I keep think I can hear her again. She went down too easily for this time of the day…

#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAboutHerHoarseVoice #TheyCalledBackAtTheEndOfTheDayAndHeSaidJustToKeepMonitoringHerForAWeek

I feel like today she hasn’t made that much noise, but it does seem to be getting a little bit better.

#ISaidItIsDifficultToDoTheAppointmentOverThePhoneAsSheDoesNotMakeSoundsOnCue

He got a bit annoyed at me saying that it is hard over the phone. I said I understand why they’re on the phone… I still haven’t heard from the health visitor yet. It will be good when they finally visit, though I am nervous.

#IPreferThePhoneAppointmentsButSometimesInPersonSeemsBetter

It’d be nice for her just to be checked over and so that I know everything is okay.

I am nervous that I might get told off for whatever reason though.

#SheSeemsQuiteHappyThoughReallyConsideringThatSheIsUnderTheWeatherAndIsTeethingAndIsHavingADevelopmentalLeap

She’s a bit clingy and I have to rush to do things sometimes, but she does seem okay.

#TiagoTookTheDayOffWorkTodayToGoBackAndDoOneLastCleanOfOurFlatInLiverpool #LastTimeHeLeftHomeBefore8amAndGotBackAt10pmAndHeStillHadNotFinished

Bless him. I feel bad that I can’t help him. It’s 5pm now and he thinks he’ll be there until 7pm at least. He left at around 7am…

#IWillBeGladWhenTodayIsOverSoThatWeCanFocusOnUnpackingThisWeekend

I really just want to have some things put away and to sort through our stuff, and to have some space to make work.

#WithEnglandGoingIntoASecondLockdownTomorrowIAmGladWeMovedWhenWeDid

Maybe it will only be 4 weeks, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is much longer.

#ThoughMovingIntoSomeoneElsesHomePresentsNewChallenges

I feel like perhaps this project won’t be as honest as it usually is. Well, it’ll still be honest but I feel unable to talk about some things as I don’t want to be seen as ungrateful.

It’s a difficult time for everyone right now in some way. For me I think I would feel a lot better if I could just have more conversations with people face to face and go to baby classes.

#INowKnowWithParentsThatItIsBestNotToGiveAdviceUnlessTheyAskForItAndIGuessTheSameAppliesForAllPeopleAndSubjects

Perhaps this a polite way of saying that I do not like being made to feel that I am a bad parent and that I do not know what is wrong with my child. It might not be their intention when they say things, but that is how it makes me feel.

#IThinkSoonIWillDropThisProjectDownToOneShootAWeekUnlessAnythingMajorHappens

The writing side of this takes up so much time. I could change it, but I feel like I am letting myself down in some way.

#OurDaysArePrettyMuchTheSame #IAmJustObsessivelyTryingToFollowAScheduleForHerAndWorkingIfICanWhenSheSleeps

I seem to have things to talk about, but I am sure some weeks nothing much will happen. Perhaps I just need to shorten my writing at times?

#ThoughDuringOneOfHerNapsITakeHerForAWalkWhichICurrentlyJustDaydreamThroughAsICanNotFindMyEarphonesToListenToThings

It is quite nice to actually not listen to anything and just let my brain be free for a bit. I don’t really do it enough.

Today I saw a few women with pushchairs/prams. I wanted to talk to them, but I didn’t want them to think I was weird.

#IWouldLikeToMakeSomeWorkWhereICanEscapeFromTheMonotomyOfOurLives

I don’t know when I can make a dance video again. Maybe next week? I just need to make space for it, or just totally change how I do them.

This project is too involved with scrutinising what I am doing and how things are. I need to have some art fun…


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Working On The Stairs, Listening Out For B (27th October 2020)

Sat on the bottom step of the stairs with my face lit by the light of my laptop
Working On The Stairs, Listening Out For B (27th October 2020)
 
#HereIsATerriblePhonePictureOfMeWorkingOnTheBottomOfTheStairs
#BHadGoneToBedButSheKeptWakingUpAndCryingSoItWasEasierToJustSitThereAndWork
#SheIsDefinitelyTeethingNow
#IFeelSoSorryForHerAsItMustBeHorrible
#IKnewWithHavingABabyThatIWouldDreadTheTeethingStages
#TodaySheHadFormulaForTheSecondTime
#SheHadHerFirstBottleTwoDaysAgoAsIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnough
#IGaveHerSomeTodayWhenSheWouldBarelyBreastfeedDuringOneFeed
#IPumpedAfterwardsAndBarelyAnythingCameOut
#MaybeItIsDueToStressOrMaybeItIsPermanentlyDryingUp
#IDoFeelBummedOutByItButINeedToMakeSureSheIsGettingFed
#ThereIsNoPointTorturingMyself
#TiagoWentFoodShoppingTonightSoHeBoughtABoxOfFormula
#IWouldStartWeaningHerButItSeemsThat6MonthsIsTheRecommendationNow
#SheIs4AndAHalfMonthsSoItIsNotMuchLongerToGo
#IGuessIWillTryToBreastfeedHerStillAsMuchAsICanThough
#InOtherNewsIHaveNotUnpackedMuchAtAll
#IAmTiredFromHavingToQuicklyPackEverythingUp
#TiagoNeedsToGoBackToCleanUpTheFlatAndPackTheLastFewThings
#ItWasANightmareGettingTheThingsWeNeededAndOurselvesInTheCar
#InTheEndWeJustBottleFedBSomeExpressedMilkInTheCarInTheCarparkJustSoWeCouldGetOutOfTheFlat
#WeStartedTheDayOptimisticAndThoughtWeWouldStartWithTheCleaning
#WeEvenWentForAWalkToGetLunchFromOurFavouriteFalafelPlace
#AGuyWalkedPastUsInTheStreetAndWasImpressedByTiagoCarryingB
#HeSaidHeWantedOneButIDoNotKnowIfHeWentTheCarrierOrBabyOrBoth
#BsScheduleGotSuperMessedUpButSheDidSleepForTheWholeCarJourneyAtLeast
#TodayIDecidedToExploreMoreOfTheAreaAsEvenThoughIHaveSpentSoMuchTimeHereIStillDoNotKnowWhatIsInCertainDirections
#ILikeToDrinkALotOfWaterWhenIWalkToTryToHelpWithMilkProduction
#AGuyRanPastSayingHeHopedItWasVodka
#PeopleSeemFriendlyAroundHereButIAmStressedOutByTheNarrowPaths

I am writing this on 28th October. I was too tired to do it last night/I didn’t have much time as I was actually planning on doing a shoot today, but this seemed shareable.

#HereIsATerriblePhonePictureOfMeWorkingOnTheBottomOfTheStairs

I think you can just about see that my face is lit up by the laptop screen. I balanced my phone on the radiator to take this picture.

I have really started to embrace the self-timer setting on my phone since having a baby; often it’s the easiest way to get a picture with B.

#BHadGoneToBedButSheKeptWakingUpAndCryingSoItWasEasierToJustSitThereAndWork

T had gone out food shopping and she seemed a bit too happy at bedtime, so I knew it was too good to be true. It’s always when she goes to bed at a reasonable time that she plays up for ages.

#SheIsDefinitelyTeethingNow

We need to start giving her paracetamol before she goes to bed as we end up giving it to her a lot later on and then she seems to sleep well.

#IFeelSoSorryForHerAsItMustBeHorrible

She just chews on my fingers a lot, though we have 4 different teethers now. Actually more than that I think, but her mouth is quite small at the moment, so a finger fits better.

#IKnewWithHavingABabyThatIWouldDreadTheTeethingStages

This is just the first phase of more to come. You can’t explain to her what is happening and she can’t communicate, so we’re just guessing and hoping we get things right.

#TodaySheHadFormulaForTheSecondTime #SheHadHerFirstBottleTwoDaysAgoAsIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnoughFood #IGaveHerSomeTodayWhenSheWouldBarelyBreastfeedDuringOneFeed

It’s some pre-mixed stuff. At her age they recommend 210ml at a feed, but they sell them in 200ml bottles. Cunning. She drank the whole bottle, but I think most babies will if you keep offering them milk.

#IPumpedAfterwardsAndBarelyAnythingCameOut

She had been on for a little bit but not much at all. Her first bf feed of the day is quite long as there is more milk as they have not been used in 8 hours-ish usually.

After that the feeds get very short and I think she drinks them dry, and makes a sound when she comes off. Though sometimes she will drink more, but maybe it’s to do with teething and it hurts her? She seems to prefer the bottle more as I think she uses it as a teether.

#MaybeItIsDueToStressOrMaybeMyMilkIsPermanentlyDryingUp

I am a bit stressed out.

She’s currently having her first nap of the day now, which is a great time to get things done. She usually sleeps for an hour and a half, but I can hear her now after 40 minutes. I’m just leaving it a minute in case she goes back to sleep.

She’s up now. I think it might be because of teething, so we gave her some paracetamol. I feel awkward about giving her it as I don’t like to take it much myself, but my Mum says that it’s best not to be shy about it. I’m sure if B could say if she wanted it or not she would want it.

#IDoFeelBummedOutByItButINeedToMakeSureSheIsGettingFed #ThereIsNoPointTorturingMyself

Carrying this on now that she’s gone down for another nap – nearly 2 hours later.

When other people have had problems with their milk supply I’ve said ‘why do they torture themselves? why do they not just switch to formula?’ but I get it now.

However, I spend the day worrying about whether she is getting enough or not. This morning I thought she must be as she is sleeping quite well through the night at the moment, so she can’t be too hungry.

Talking to my Mum I think that maybe she is alright. It is normal for babies to lose their appetites as their mouths hurt, so we’ll see. I think I should maybe do one formula feed a day though.

#TiagoWentFoodShoppingTonightSoHeBoughtABoxOfFormula

Reading the instructions it seems like such a faff. I think this is also why I have changed my tune a bit with her feeding…

My Mum says that B would be crying a lot more if she was hungry and not sleeping so well at night.

#IWouldStartWeaningHerButItSeemsThat6MonthsIsTheRecommendationNow #SheIs4AndAHalfMonthsSoItIsNotMuchLongerToGo

I think I’m going to do a workshop so that I do feel more comfortable with weaning as it’s not too far off now.

#IGuessIWillTryToBreastfeedHerStillAsMuchAsICanThough

I don’t want my supply to drop even lower. There’s also something in breast milk that acts as a painkiller, which is good for her teething.

#InOtherNewsIHaveNotUnpackedMuchAtAll #IAmTiredFromHavingToQuicklyPackEverythingUp

Packing and unpacking fatigue.

#TiagoNeedsToGoBackToCleanUpTheFlatAndPackTheLastFewThings

I am using us not having our box of hangers as an excuse, but once we get them I do hope to start putting things away and sorting through our stuff. We definitely need to start getting rid of more things.

#ItWasANightmareGettingTheThingsWeNeededAndOurselvesInTheCar

I would not wish moving with a baby during a pandemic on anyone.

#InTheEndWeJustBottleFedBSomeExpressedMilkInTheCarInTheCarparkJustSoWeCouldGetOutOfTheFlat

We were hoping to leave sooner, but by the time we got in the car B hadn’t slept in 3 hours. I thought there was no point just letting her sleep as I usually feed her every 3 hours during the day, so it made sense for her to eat before we left.

#WeStartedTheDayOptimisticAndThoughtWeWouldStartWithTheCleaning #WeEvenWentForAWalkToGetLunchFromOurFavouriteFalafelPlace

I had a really nice chat with the guy in the falafel place. We didn’t get out for a walk the day before, so it was nice to have a last goodbye walk in Liverpool even though it was mainly in the rain.

#AGuyWalkedPastUsInTheStreetAndWasImpressedByTiagoCarryingB #HeSaidHeWantedOneButIDoNotKnowIfHeWentTheCarrierOrBabyOrBoth

It’s always typical that when you are about to leave somewhere that you start having nice interactions with people – not that we hadn’t had any before, but I just wished that I had had more sooner.

B and I had been going on daily walks and no one had spoken to us randomly before.

#BsScheduleGotSuperMessedUpButSheDidSleepForTheWholeCarJourneyAtLeast

See above. She definitely wouldn’t have slept the whole time if we haven’t fed her before. It made sense to do it first as otherwise we would have had to stop at a service station, which would have been more stressful.

#TodayIDecidedToExploreMoreOfTheAreaAsEvenThoughIHaveSpentSoMuchTimeHereIStillDoNotKnowWhatIsInCertainDirections

I just needed to get out of the house. My daily walk is quite relaxing and it feels good to get out and about. Today I’ll maybe try to discover some other new places.

#ILikeToDrinkALotOfWaterWhenIWalkToTryToHelpWithMilkProduction #AGuyRanPastSayingHeHopedItWasVodka

I had checked behind to see if anyone was coming as I thought I could hear someone. I then must have taken a swig and it probably looked a bit suspicious.

It was nice to have an interaction with someone though. Two days before someone had warned me about a lot of goose poo on the path up ahead.

#PeopleSeemFriendlyAroundHereButIAmStressedOutByTheNarrowPaths

Yeah, the narrow goose poo paths.

I also had a chat with a neighbour yesterday – we didn’t know our neighbours in Liverpool, so it’s nice having more people to chat to.

(12th November 2020: Typically since then I haven’t had any interactions with the neighbours or spoke to any people whilst out on a walk – except when I decide just to wait for them to pass instead of squeezing down a path and they say thanks.)


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Trying To Pack Up A Flat With A 4 Month Old Is Stressful (20th October 2020)

Me pulling on my hair
Trying To Pack Up A Flat With A 4 Month Old Is Stressful (20th October 2020)
 
#TheNewNestingSideOfMeIsSoFreakedOutByTheAbsoluteMessOfOurFlat
#JustBoxesAndStuffEverywhereAndWeStillNeedToPackALotMore
#TiagoHasHiredAVanForAFewDaysTimeAndIAmAlsoStressedOutAboutThat
#HavingToGetEverythingInItAndWorryingAboutGettingToldOffForParking
#DueToThePandemicWeCanNotHaveAnyHelp
#IDoFeelABitOverwhelmedByEverything
#IWantADayOffButICanNot
#IThinkBIsTeethingNow
#WellWeThoughtSheWasBeforeButNowIThinkSheIsEvenMoreSo
#YesterdayIReallyStruggledToGetHerToTakeHerSecondNapWhichWeUsuallyHaveFewProblemsWith
#InTheEndIJustLetHerSleepOnMe
#ThenSheDidNotTakeHerFourthNapSoWePutHerToBedEarly
#ButSheJustWouldNotSettleForSoLong
#TheLastTwoDaysIHaveNotNappedDuringHerFirstNapAsIRealiseItIsTheBestTimeToGetThingsDone
#ItIsReallyHardToKnowWhatIsNormalForABabyHerAgeWhenICanNotInteractWithManyMums
#IGuessWithGoingToBabyClassesAndChildrensCentresYouWouldHaveALotOfConversationsAndCanCompareThings
#ItIsVeryDifferentToJustTalkingToPeopleViaTechnology
#MyHairIsSoGreasyInThisShoot
#IAmTryingToWriteTheseHashtagsQuicklySoICanGoWashMyHairAsItJustFeelsSoGross
#IOnlyDidOneShootLastWeekAsIFeltLikeThereWasNotMuchToSay
#IHaveJustBeenMotheringPackingCodingAndGoingForADailyWalk
#ThoughIDoNotAlwaysManageToGetOutForAWalk
#IHaveAlsoBeenSellingSomeBitsOfFurnitureWhichAlwaysTurnsInToAMassiveJob
#YesterdayTheMentalHealthServiceCalledMe
#ItWasADelayedRoutineCheckupAsIDidAnOnlineCBTCourseForAnxietyAYearAgo
#TheySaidTheyUsuallyCallAfter6MonthsButTheyAreLateDueToThePandemic
#ISaidIHaveBeenFeelingBetterWhichIsProbablyDueToTheDistractionsOfMoving
#IStillHaveNotHeardBackFromTheDoctorsOrHealthVisitorThoughAfterMyAppointmentWhereIMentionedMyMentalHealth
#IHadALongShowerForTheFirstTimeInAgesAndFeltSoMuchBetterAfter
#INeedToStartDoingAnotherSetOfHashtagsForAfterIHaveRantedAboutStuffInTheFirstLotAndThenFeelLoadsBetter
 

Hello! I’m writing this on 20th October <and adding notes on 5th November.>

This shoot was inspired by photos I took on my birthday shoot, but didn’t choose for the final picture.

Before I did the shoot I did a yoga video for stress – it was nice, but I did still feel stressed afterwards.

I finished a 30 days video class yesterday, but I am thinking that maybe I accidentally skipped a few classes as it seems like it ended so soon? I feel stronger, but the problem is when you finish something like that it is knowing what to do next. She does have other programs that I need to try to get into (mentally) ASAP.

<I am trying to get through a new 30 day challenge, though today I did the same video as yesterday as I felt like I could have done it better. I was doing some 10 minute videos, but they really weren’t enough. This morning I also did a baby yoga class with B as the more stretching I can do the better!>

#TheNewNestingSideOfMeIsSoFreakedOutByTheAbsoluteMessOfOurFlat #JustBoxesAndStuffEverywhereAndWeStillNeedToPackALotMore

I have changed a lot from the messy child that I once was, but I think since having a baby I like mess even less.

Walking through the flat is a bit like an obstacle course at the moment. We need to be careful, especially when carrying B through it all.

At least she isn’t crawling yet – it would be a bit of a nightmare.

<It turns out that unpacking with a nearly 5 month old is stressful too, who would have thought it? I am hoping that we can finally start to unpack properly this weekend!>

#TiagoHasHiredAVanForAFewDaysTimeAndIAmAlsoStressedOutAboutThat #HavingToGetEverythingInItAndWorryingAboutGettingToldOffForParking

Tiago is chilled about it all, but I was already stressing about this as soon as we said we were moving.

#DueToThePandemicWeCanNotHaveAnyHelp

Well, we could hire a man with a van, but because of the pandemic it seems easier for Tiago just to do it. I meant more help from friends etc.

<Luckily a friend came to help in the end as otherwise it would have been impossible! Moving out day was a nightmare…>

#IDoFeelABitOverwhelmedByEverything #IWantADayOffButICanNot

When I say everything, really I mean a day off from responsibilities. I just miss the days where I had all day to do my own thing, and I got a lot done but also faffed. There is no time for faffing now.

(Though last night I did watch some orangutan videos. I’m more emotional at animal and baby videos now that I have a baby.)

Though I do not want a day away from B. I love when she smiles at me. The other day she had a little giggle fit which was really sweet.

I guess things will be different when she starts to eat solid foods and she doesn’t really need me 24/7, though I will miss the ease of breastfeeding and not having to prepare food etc.

<Now that we live with my Nan, things do seem a little less full on, but I still do feel overwhelmed at times. My main concern at the moment is that she is getting stimulated enough. We do the same things everyday and there are no in person classes by us, which I think would be good for both of us.>

#IThinkBIsTeethingNow #WellWeThoughtSheWasBeforeButNowIThinkSheIsEvenMoreSo

She is dribbling a lot, but I think she might be also going through the 4-month sleep regression which explain the sleeping side of things.

<She was definitely teething and still is 🙁 >

Yesterday she did roll over for the first time in ages by herself, so it’s possible – as sleep regressions have something to do with learning new skills.

<I have an app that says that she is currently going through a developmental leap.>

#YesterdayIReallyStruggledToGetHerToTakeHerSecondNapWhichWeUsuallyHaveFewProblemsWith #InTheEndIJustLetHerSleepOnMe

Well I am writing this during her second nap and it was difficult, but I just rocked her to sleep in the end.

I know I shouldn’t do it, but yesterday she was calm whilst I was rocking her but I stopped too early and then she wouldn’t settle again.

<Today she has had two naps so far and they were both shorter than normal, and I had to rock her to sleep for both.>

#ThenSheDidNotTakeHerFourthNapSoWePutHerToBedEarly #ButSheJustWouldNotSettleForSoLong

See comment above on sleep regression…

<She has been having a fourth nap lately, but she takes ages to settle at bedtime.>

#TheLastTwoDaysIHaveNotNappedDuringHerFirstNapAsIRealiseItIsTheBestTimeToGetThingsDone

It’s usually her longest nap of the day, in terms of how long she has to sleep and how well she usually sleeps.

I try to put her down to nap after 1 1/2 hours for her first nap, after 1 3/4 hours for her second and third, then 2 hours after fourth and fifth.

Obviously this never goes to plan, but this is what I try to do.

#ItIsReallyHardToKnowWhatIsNormalForABabyHerAgeWhenICanNotInteractWithManyMums

I find it so weird that when you have a baby you pretty much get left to it. I guess in ‘normal times’ you’d have more in person support from friends and family, so people don’t see the need to worry about you.

<It has been good to see family lately and get some reassurance about things.>

#IGuessWithGoingToBabyClassesAndChildrensCentresYouWouldHaveALotOfConversationsAndCanCompareThings #ItIsVeryDifferentToJustTalkingToPeopleViaTechnology

Basically, I feel like I can’t keep talking to people about poop over WhatsApp…

#MyHairIsSoGreasyInThisShoot #IAmTryingToWriteTheseHashtagsQuicklySoICanGoWashMyHairAsItJustFeelsSoGross

I should have washed it yesterday really, but obviously my priorities are messed up.

<I washed my hair yesterday and I was thinking that I prioritise making over work over personal hygiene. Lucky Tiago…>

#IOnlyDidOneShootLastWeekAsIFeltLikeThereWasNotMuchToSay

And I did not know what to do for the shoot. I felt like if I was to have done a shoot then the pictures would have been bad and I would have felt more crummy, so I left it.

Usually my motto is ‘if you don’t try then you don’t get’, but I just wasn’t feeling very confident.

#IHaveJustBeenMotheringPackingCodingAndGoingForADailyWalk

I am nearly done with my coding project. I just need to edit the look of it, then I am going to take the rest of the week off (and probably another week) before I start the next and final course.

<I finished it, but now I don’t know how I had time to do a coding course. I’m going to leave it until next month I think.>

Next week I need to unpack and adjust to living in Birmingham really.

<Still need to unpack…>

Once the course is done I will have a lot more time to work on my stuff in the evenings, which will be good. I do like getting stuff done in the morning though so I feel like it’s not hanging over me all day.

I haven’t been reading much lately as I’ve been trying to go to bed early instead. Though last night I did start The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry.

<I didn’t finish the book before I had to send it back for the next person. I do want to get back into reading as I miss it, but I seem to favour sleep over staying up late to read these days.>

#ThoughIDoNotAlwaysManageToGetOutForAWalk

I do plan to, but the other night we were going to go for one later on in the day but by then it seemed easier for Tiago to go by himself. This is why I aim for the mid-afternoon really, so that if it is missed we can aim for the next one and then the next one. Actually I think we did move it twice…

#IHaveAlsoBeenSellingSomeBitsOfFurnitureWhichAlwaysTurnsInToAMassiveJob

SO MUCH FAFF. We have one piece left to go, which someone is meant to be collecting tonight. Fingers crossed.

<They did collect it. Phew.>

#YesterdayTheMentalHealthServiceCalledMe #ItWasADelayedRoutineCheckupAsIDidAnOnlineCBTCourseForAnxietyAYearAgo #TheySaidTheyUsuallyCallAfter6MonthsButTheyAreLateDueToThePandemic #ISaidIHaveBeenFeelingBetterWhichIsProbablyDueToTheDistractionsOfMoving

I said I was moving and they told me to call the equivalent service in Birmingham if I need to. I’ll see how things go.

#IStillHaveNotHeardBackFromTheDoctorsOrHealthVisitorThoughAfterMyAppointmentWhereIMentionedMyMentalHealth

Maybe the doctor/nurse didn’t call the health visitor. Maybe she tried to call once and because I didn’t answer she didn’t try again. Maybe too many people need her help. Who knows?

<She called after I had moved and said that no one told her that I was feeling low.>

#IHadALongShowerForTheFirstTimeInAgesAndFeltSoMuchBetterAfter

I usually just have a bath when B does these days. Again, I need to question my priorities.

#INeedToStartDoingAnotherSetOfHashtagsForAfterIHaveRantedAboutStuffInTheFirstLotAndThenFeelLoadsBetter

I need to start ranting in a diary again so I can save all the mushy happy stuff for this project. Though the whole point of this series is to be as honest as possible, but I hate coming across as so whiney.

I actually did a baby class with B for the first time in ages between the shoot and writing this, which was really nice. I need to focus more on being the best Mum I can be, but it is difficult sometimes.

Mothering is the most intense job I’ve ever had. It is rewarding, but it is also exhausting.


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