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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B Watching The Washing Machine (1st May 2021)

A washing machine is on, my right hand is on the window, you can see part of my face reflected in the metallic surface of the machine and my nose can be seen in the top left hand corner.
Imitating B Watching The Washing Machine (1st May 2021)
 
#IfWeCanNotFindBThereIsAGoodChanceThatSheIsByTheWashingMachine
#PressingAllTheButtonsToSeeIfSheCanGetThemToMakeASound
#IfICallHerAndSheDoesNotComeThenIUsuallyOpenTheDishwasherAndSheQuicklyAppears
#ThisMorningSheKnockedOverACupOfColdCoffeeAndTiagosLaptopScreenWillNotWork
#NotLongBeforeIHadMovedNansCupsAroundToDecreaseTheRiskOfKnockingThemOver
#ThenTiagoPutHisCupOnTheTableWithHisLaptopNearbyAndThereYouGo
#BsWordRangeHasIncreasedToHerJustSayingDadAllTheTimeNow
#SheWokeUpWithASnottyColdYesterdaySoItHasBeenFunChasingHerAroundAfterHerAllTheTimeWithATissue
#IHaveNotTakenHerForAWalkInTwoDaysButTheWeatherHasBeenQuiteRubbish
#WeWentToTheSupermarketLastNightWhichSeemsToBeOurNewWeeklyFamilyTime
#SheIsEatingMoreOfOurMealsNowAndFeedingHerselfMoreWhichIsNice
#ItJustMakesThingsSoMuchEasier
#IAmLookingForwardToMoreThingsReopeningLikeSoftPlayPlaces
#ItWillBeNiceToTakeHerOutToFunActivitiesAndItIsBetterNowThatIAmConfidentAboutHerEatingOutsideTheHouse
#TheOtherDayWeWereAllInTheBathroomAndBStoodUpFromTheFloorWithoutHoldingOntoAnything
#ItMightHaveBeenBecauseSheWasSoBoredInThereButSheDidItAFewTimes
#MyNanSaidSheDidItYesterdayInTheLivingRoomButItIsNotARegularThingYet
#InOtherNewsIHaveBookedADrivingTheoryTest
#IHaveNotTriedToDriveSince2010WhenIWasTryingToPassMyTestBeforeMovingToLondon
#IRanOutOfTimeAndDueToNotNeedingToDriveInLondonAndConfidenceIssuesIDidNotKeepItUp
#IHaveThoughtAboutItOverTheYearsIncludingWhenWeLivedInLiverpool
#InLiverpoolIWentSoFarAsToBuyATheoryAppButNeverEvenOpenedIt
#ThenAfterBWasBornISaidIWantedToLearnToDriveButThenThePandemicHasDraggedOn
#LessonsHaveStartedUpAgainNowButNoOneHasAvailabilityAtTheMoment
#AndAllOfTheTestCentresAreFullyBookedUntilOctoberApparently
#ARidiculousNumberOfPeopleAreWaitingToTakeTheirTests
#SoIMightAsWellGetTheTheoryPartDoneAndThenTryToGetLessonsWhenICan
#IFeelLikeIAmRubbishWithSpatialAwarenessAndManoeuvresButIMightHaveMagicallyGainedSomeSkillsIn10PlusYearsOfNotDriving
#IThinkConfidenceIsABigPartOfItAllAndIDidNotHaveMuchThatLongAgo
#TiagoSaysHeFindsItWeirdThatISayIDoNotHaveTheConfidenceToDriveButCanTalkInFrontOf100PlusPeople

(6th June: A bit of a different picture. No flash as the space is too small to have my usual softbox, I’ve messed so many times with the colour of the image and it’s probably still wrong. Debated cropping my nose out but I quite like it.)

#IfWeCanNotFindBThereIsAGoodChanceThatSheIsByTheWashingMachine

It is usually the first place I look if I’ve turned my back and she’s crawled off.

#PressingAllTheButtonsToSeeIfSheCanGetThemToMakeASound

Changing the temperature, changing the spin, pausing it, trying to get any reaction from it.

#IfICallHerAndSheDoesNotComeThenIUsuallyOpenTheDishwasherAndSheQuicklyAppears

I might have mentioned it before. If she doesn’t respond to the noise of it opening then you know she is really engrossed by something.

#ThisMorningSheKnockedOverACupOfColdCoffeeAndTiagosLaptopScreenWillNotWork

Whoops.

#NotLongBeforeIHadMovedNansCupsAroundToDecreaseTheRiskOfKnockingThemOver

Nan likes to put her cups/glasses on a table mat and B likes to just pull the mat and anything that is on it. I am often monitoring the room for things that B can knock over.

#ThenTiagoPutHisCupOnTheTableWithHisLaptopNearbyAndThereYouGo

I was making dance videos so I wasn’t in the room to see the cup/B going towards it. Fail.

#BsWordRangeHasIncreasedToHerJustSayingDadAllTheTimeNow

I mainly just hear Dada and Dad all day.

#SheWokeUpWithASnottyColdYesterdaySoItHasBeenFunChasingHerAroundAfterHerAllTheTimeWithATissue

I could have imitated how B looked when she woke up yesterday morning, but it wouldn’t have been very delightful – dried snot on her nose.

#IHaveNotTakenHerForAWalkInTwoDaysButTheWeatherHasBeenQuiteRubbish

And I’ve been tired. Plus with her cold I did not really want to take her out yesterday. When I thought about taking her out it rained…

#WeWentToTheSupermarketLastNightWhichSeemsToBeOurNewWeeklyFamilyTime

Though we need to start planning meals the night before, not just as we are about to leave/are in the car.

#SheIsEatingMoreOfOurMealsNowAndFeedingHerselfMoreWhichIsNice

I try to make most meals be things where she can feed herself now. Yesterday I tried to turn her porridge into pancakes. They didn’t turn out as well as I hoped but they still tasted good and B fed herself.

#ItJustMakesThingsSoMuchEasier

It’s nice to get on and do other things like clean up, make food, eat etc while she eats.

#IAmLookingForwardToMoreThingsReopeningLikeSoftPlayPlaces

I have been looking at places to take her.

#ItWillBeNiceToTakeHerOutToFunActivitiesAndItIsBetterNowThatIAmConfidentAboutHerEatingOutsideTheHouse

A lot of kids places have cafes so we can get lunch there. It’ll be nice to have a change of scenery.

#TheOtherDayWeWereAllInTheBathroomAndBStoodUpFromTheFloorWithoutHoldingOntoAnything

I was super surprised.

#ItMightHaveBeenBecauseSheWasSoBoredInThereButSheDidItAFewTimes

We were just brushing our teeth and chilling while she watched us.

#MyNanSaidSheDidItYesterdayInTheLivingRoomButItIsNotARegularThingYet

She can not stand up for very long by herself yet but she is getting there.

#InOtherNewsIHaveBookedADrivingTheoryTest

I was going to try to study without booking a test yet, but I needed to book it as otherwise there would be no incentive to study.

#IHaveNotTriedToDriveSince2010WhenIWasTryingToPassMyTestBeforeMovingToLondon #IRanOutOfTimeAndDueToNotNeedingToDriveInLondonAndConfidenceIssuesIDidNotKeepItUp

I can not remember how many tests I failed. I tried to learn a few years before that too, but never did a test or my theory back then.

Now I’m kicking myself for not just trying to pass in London, but when I first moved there I was too scared to even get on a bus.

#IHaveThoughtAboutItOverTheYearsIncludingWhenWeLivedInLiverpool

I should have just done it as soon as I moved there. Oh well.

#InLiverpoolIWentSoFarAsToBuyATheoryAppButNeverEvenOpenedIt

Luckily I have it for now and it seems good. I have forgotten most of what I learned 10 years ago, but the test seems quite easy to revise for.

#ThenAfterBWasBornISaidIWantedToLearnToDriveButThenThePandemicHasDraggedOn

We went to a garden party and just before we went in I randomly said ‘I want to learn to drive’. It was during the early days of B when I was randomly feeling confident.

#LessonsHaveStartedUpAgainNowButNoOneHasAvailabilityAtTheMoment

I messaged 4 people.

#AndAllOfTheTestCentresAreFullyBookedUntilOctoberApparently

Great.

#ARidiculousNumberOfPeopleAreWaitingToTakeTheirTests

This article says 420,000 people are waiting for tests. How many of thoes people will need to retake the test?

#SoIMightAsWellGetTheTheoryPartDoneAndThenTryToGetLessonsWhenICan

I’d like to have a few lessons before I try to learn with Tiago – just to gain a bit of confidence by being in a car with dual controls first.

#IFeelLikeIAmRubbishWithSpatialAwarenessAndManoeuvresButIMightHaveMagicallyGainedSomeSkillsIn10PlusYearsOfNotDriving

I doubt it, but hopefully things will make more sense this time round.

#IThinkConfidenceIsABigPartOfItAllAndIDidNotHaveMuchThatLongAgo

I just need to not care what other people in their car think of me, and just get on with it.

#TiagoSaysHeFindsItWeirdThatISayIDoNotHaveTheConfidenceToDriveButCanTalkInFrontOf100PlusPeople

When I started to do improv comedy I thought something similar. It’s a skill that I’ll need in the future and it’ll make my life easier, so I’ll just try to do it asap. Not long ago I debated finding a TV show that was looking for learner drivers – I just had a search online and apparently a woman took 26 tests before she passed. That’ll be me…


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B Standing Up In Her Cot (17th April 2021)

Imitating B Standing Up In Her Cot (17th April 2021)
 
#ThisSeemsToBeANewSkillThatBHasDevelopedInTheLastFewDays
#ThisMorningTiagoWentToGetHerAndSaidThatSheWasStandingUpInIt
#AtTimesSheGripsSoTightToTheFrameThatHerHandsLoseTheirColour
#IAmSoRelievedThatItIsTheWeekend
#TheWeekdaysJustSeemToDragSoMuchAndByThursdayIAmUsuallyNotFeelingSoGreat
#IWasGladWeGoToGoToAClassThisWeekButThenIJustFeltRubbishAfterwards
#ItWasSoNiceToSitInARoomWithPeopleAndBabiesAndToInteract
#SoEverydaySinceHasJustFeltCrummyAsIWantTheSameExperienceEveryWeekday
#NextWeekWeHaveAFewMoreThingsInOurDiarySoHopefullyItWillBeNicer
#SomeDaysITakeBOutTwiceADayJustToTryToHaveSomeKindOfInteractionWithSomeone
#ItSoundsDumbAsObviouslyWeLiveWithMyNanAndTiagoButSometimesTiagoIsOutOrIDoNotWantToBotherHim
#AlsoAFewMinutesIsNotTheSameAsHangingOutWithSomeoneForAPeriodOfTime
#IFeelBadAsIFeelLonelyWhenISpendAllDayWithB
#SheIsGoodCompanyButItIsNotTheSameAsHavingConversationsWithPeople
#IWorrySheWillReadThisWhenSheIsOlderAndFeelBad
#BILoveYouButThisPandemicHasBeenToughAndThingsAreNotHowIThoughtTheyWouldBe
#IFeelLikePeopleCanSmellTheDesperationOnMeAndAgainMySocialSkillsAreRubbish
#ICanNotBeTheOnlyOneInTheAreaThatFeelsLikeThisThough
#IWouldSignBUpForAClassEverydayButALotClashWithBsNaps
#ICouldTryToRearrangeHerDayButItFeelsLikeABitTooMuch
#EspeciallyAsIDoLikeTheScheduleWeHaveAndIAmUsedToIt
#SoIProbablyShouldNotWhineThenButIAmABitStuckInMyWays
#AtSomePointSheWillGoDownToOneNapADayAndThenThatWillChangeTheDayALot
#ThoughForNowINeedHerToHaveHerTwoNapsSoICanGetThingsDone
#YesterdayIWasSoTiredThatIJustGotIntoBedAndReadAndNappedDuringThem
#MyBodyGetsToAPointWhereItIsSoTiredThatIJustNeedToRestAndRecover
#IThinkTheTirednessIsOftenCausedByMyMentalStateButIfThereIsNothingPressingToDoThenARestIsFine
#AnywaysINeedToStopWhiningAndTryToBeProactiveToMakeTheWeekdaysBetter
#IStillDreadMealtimesABitThoughSheIsEatingWellTheseDays
#HopefullyWithBetterWeatherOnTheWayWeCanJustSitOutsideMoreAndThatWillBeEnoughOfAChangeToMakeTheDaysPassBetter
 

#ThisSeemsToBeANewSkillThatBHasDevelopedInTheLastFewDays

I just walked into her room one day and was surprised to see her doing it. It might have been yesterday, it might have been 2 days ago. I can’t remember, but I do remember thinking yesterday that I should imitate it.

#ThisMorningTiagoWentToGetHerAndSaidThatSheWasStandingUpInIt

So it was the first time he’d seen it.

#AtTimesSheGripsSoTightToTheFrameThatHerHandsLoseTheirColour

Her fingers go white with tiny bits of red.

#IAmSoRelievedThatItIsTheWeekend

It’s been a couple of hours since I wrote these hashtags and I already feel much better – I finished a yoga session (I stopped as I felt in the mood to write these hashtags), I did a shoot, I did 4 dance videos, I edited the dance videos, had breakfast, had a quick shower and now I’m writing these at 10.10am.

(17th May – And then I was super tired. I think I often try to do too much on Saturday mornings when Tiago is around to look after B, and I pay for it later. This Saturday I had to have a long nap in the afternoon.)

#TheWeekdaysJustSeemToDragSoMuchAndByThursdayIAmUsuallyNotFeelingSoGreat

This project is all about trying to be as honest as possible about my motherhood journey. I feel like I’m honest but not as honest as I could be. I am not looking for pity or sympathy or whatever, I just want to say how I am finding things.

#IWasGladWeGoToGoToAClassThisWeekButThenIJustFeltRubbishAfterwards

Some normality (whatever that means) and then back to how it’s been for months.

#ItWasSoNiceToSitInARoomWithPeopleAndBabiesAndToInteract

Like I said in my last post, it was so nice to see B smiling at everyone. Yesterday my Uncles surprised us with a visit and B was crying at them, so I think she doesn’t like people suddenly turning up on her home turf. Well, they were already in the garden but she’d just got up from a nap.

#SoEverydaySinceHasJustFeltCrummyAsIWantTheSameExperienceEveryWeekday

I’ve been looking forward to going to a class for so long, but then yeah the rest of the week just felt like going back to old times.

#NextWeekWeHaveAFewMoreThingsInOurDiarySoHopefullyItWillBeNicer

Our diary is a bit busier next week, so fingers crossed.

#SomeDaysITakeBOutTwiceADayJustToTryToHaveSomeKindOfInteractionWithSomeone

Take B to the swings. See if there is anyone to talk to. And repeat. The other day some small kids were talking to us.

One asked why she did not have shoes.

Me: Because she doesn’t need them yet as she can’t walk. She does have two pairs of socks on though.

Her: Two pairs of socks? That’s a bit greedy!

I told Tiago and he said ‘how do young kids have such a good sense of humour already?’

#ItSoundsDumbAsObviouslyWeLiveWithMyNanAndTiagoButSometimesTiagoIsOutOrIDoNotWantToBotherHim

I can feel quite alone during the weekdays. It’s nice to live with my Nan and we’re grateful to her for letting us live with her, but I do not always see her much in the day either.

#AlsoAFewMinutesIsNotTheSameAsHangingOutWithSomeoneForAPeriodOfTime

I feel bad for bothering Tiago so I try to just wait until he comes out of his ‘office’. His lunch never feels long enough.

#IFeelBadAsIFeelLonelyWhenISpendAllDayWithB

This feels a bit sh*tty to say.

#SheIsGoodCompanyButItIsNotTheSameAsHavingConversationsWithPeople

If she could talk it would be so much different. I still feel like I do not talk to her enough. I wish she could talk. She does babble a lot more now, but it’s not proper conversation.

#IWorrySheWillReadThisWhenSheIsOlderAndFeelBad

I do worry what she will think about all of this when she is older.

#BILoveYouButThisPandemicHasBeenToughAndThingsAreNotHowIThoughtTheyWouldBe

I do love you B. I’m so glad that you exist, but it’s been tough.

And I feel like people read this and think like I act like I’m the only person who has found the pandemic/lockdowns tough. Of course I know I’m not the only one. I think everyone has found it tough in one way or another. This is just my diary of sorts and so I say what I feel.

#IFeelLikePeopleCanSmellTheDesperationOnMeAndAgainMySocialSkillsAreRubbish

I was reading something the other day about just act like you’re the popular kid. If you act like the awkward, anxious person you are then it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. I’d feel like a fake trying to be the popular kid, but I just need to be me and stop caring so much.

#ICanNotBeTheOnlyOneInTheAreaThatFeelsLikeThisThough

I think I said that I posted in our local group about wanting to meet more people. The problem is most people are free to meet up at the weekend, which is fine, but I want more weekday friends. Weekdays are the problem!

#IWouldSignBUpForAClassEverydayButALotClashWithBsNaps

I look most days to see if there are any new ones. I’m going to try out an outdoor exercise class next week if the weather is good, as T can put B to bed and I can still have some time afterwards to do anything that I need to do. I think it will be good for me.

#ICouldTryToRearrangeHerDayButItFeelsLikeABitTooMuch

She is generally getting up around 6.45am now. I don’t want to get her up earlier in able to go to classes. Nah. If she was waking up at 6am every morning still then fair enough, I’d adapt her schedule for classes.

#EspeciallyAsIDoLikeTheScheduleWeHaveAndIAmUsedToIt

It seems to serve us well, except for classes that she naps through.

#SoIProbablyShouldNotWhineThenButIAmABitStuckInMyWays

If you understand then you understand, if you don’t then I don’t know.

#AtSomePointSheWillGoDownToOneNapADayAndThenThatWillChangeTheDayALot

I am hoping that isn’t for a few more months at least.

#ThoughForNowINeedHerToHaveHerTwoNapsSoICanGetThingsDone

Nap in the morning to try to get stuff done, nap in the afternoon to get minor stuff done or have a nap if there is nothing urgent to do. Or if her first nap is rubbish like yesterday, then we just deal with it and try to get more stuff done in the second nap.

#YesterdayIWasSoTiredThatIJustGotIntoBedAndReadAndNappedDuringThem

I haven’t been reading much lately, so I’m trying to get back into it.

I finished reading Life Below Stairs: True Lives of Edwardian Servants by Alison Maloney. It was a short read, but it still took me ages.

Then I started to read The Magician’s Nephew by C.S. Lewis last night. I need an escape of sorts, and I’ve never read all the Narnia books. I know they’re not really for adults, but why not. I’ve just seen that this was published 6th, but my library says it is the first in the series. I was wondering why I had never heard of it before. Oh well.

#MyBodyGetsToAPointWhereItIsSoTiredThatIJustNeedToRestAndRecover

I used to get this before having a baby, so with a 10 month old that I look after all week no wonder I’m due for a period of this.

#IThinkTheTirednessIsOftenCausedByMyMentalStateButIfThereIsNothingPressingToDoThenARestIsFine

I need to look after myself.

Someone just slammed a door downstairs and B seems to have woken up. Great. I’m ready for a nap… I wanted to just lie in bed and rest more this morning but I thought I should get up and start doing my work. I feel less guilty for doing work on weekend mornings as I think that Tiago does not like to start his weekends with work.

#AnywaysINeedToStopWhiningAndTryToBeProactiveToMakeTheWeekdaysBetter

Try to go to more classes/hang out in the park. Try to meet people no matter how awkward it is. Go to a class by myself. Be more positive. Be grateful that I have a small human to look after.

#IStillDreadMealtimesABitThoughSheIsEatingWellTheseDays

I am trying to encourage her to feed herself more these days. It seems to be working.

#HopefullyWithBetterWeatherOnTheWayWeCanJustSitOutsideMoreAndThatWillBeEnoughOfAChangeToMakeTheDaysPassBetter

I say this every post but fingers crossed.

B has gone back to sleep. Phew. I would have a lie down now, but our bedsheets are in the wash so I’m just going to try to do a few more things – post dance videos, edit/backup the shoot, and look at some work work that I need to do.


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Seventh Family Portrait (28th March 2021)

Tiago holding B, while I hug both of them. B's face is covered by her hand which has been edited onto her face and enlarged.
Seventh Family Portrait (28th March 2021)
 
#ItIsAShameThatWeHaveNotManagedToDoAFamilyPortraitEveryMonthSinceBWasBorn
#IGuessSevenOutOfTenIsNotBadConsideringIDidNotRealiseItWasGoingToBeARegularThing
#BIsTryingToStandUpAsMuchAsPossibleTheseDays
#SheUsesAStepladderTheSofaAllOfMyNansLittleTablesAndThingsLikeGlassShelvesWhichWeHadHiddenAwayWithCushions
#SheIsGettingStrongerEverydayButSheStillHasALotOfBumps
#TheDentistWentOkayTheOtherDayThoughIKeptApologisingForHowBadMyTeethAre
#SheSaidThatWeShouldLetBHavingAGoAtBrushingHerOwnTeethToo
#INearlyLaughedOutLoudAsWeAreFindingItDifficultEnough
#ButWeJustMakeTheSoundOfAnElectricToothbrushAndSheLetsUsBrushHerSoleToothAndHerGums
#MyBackToothIsPlayingUpAndWillProbablyNeedToBeRemovedAtSomePoint
#ItWasSoWeirdRemovingMyMaskWhileBeingSoCloseToStrangers
#IFeltAwkwardRemovingItAndSheSaidThatALotOfPeopleSayTheSame
#ThisMorningTheClocksChangedAndLuckilyForUsBWokeUpAtSevenThirtyWhichWasSixThirtyOldTime
#SheWokeUpAtSixThirtyYesterdayTooWhichIsBetterThanSixSoLetsSeeWhatTimeSheWakesUpNowWithTheTimeChange
#IKnowIShouldHaveGoneToBedEarlierLastNightButIKindOfResentedTheFactThatIShouldSoIDidNot
#MyNewJobIsSoTiring
#IHadANapAfterIGotInTodayWhenBHadHersAndIDidTheSameYesterday
#TheNapAlwaysEndsUpBeingAbout35MinutesAndIWakeUpFeelingSuperGroggy
#IRecentlyFoundTheEyeMaskThatIGotForMyJustInCaseHospitalBirthBag
#ItHasBeenGettingSomeUseAndItDefinitelyHelpsMeFallAsleepQuicker
#WeDidThisShootAfterWeAllWokeUpFromOurNap
#WeWouldHaveJustPhotographedUsInBedButIRealisedThatOurLastFamilyPortraitWasUsLyingInBed
#SoWeMovedBsCotAndDidTheShootInHerRoom
#AtOnePointSheActuallyTookASetOfPhotosAsSheWasMessingWithMyComputerAndPressedTheButtonToShootASet
#SheSpentTheShootTryingToStandUpThenBeingAnnoyedAtUsTryingToKeepHerInShotOrSheWasCrawlingAwayAndBashingMyLaptop
#ItIsNiceToBeOutOfTheHouseMoreButItIsWeird
#MyBodyIsDefinitelyNotUsedToAllTheWalkingButHopefullyItWillGetOverItSoon
#IAmEnjoyingIntroducingBToMoreMusicThoughSheDoesJustSeemToLoveJumpByVanHalen
#InTheLastWeekIHavePlayedLauraVeirsJulyFlameAlbumALotWhenFeedingHerAsItIsQuiteRelaxing
#ICanNotBelieveHowMuchSheChangesWeekToWeekAndHowMuchOfASmallHumanSheIs

#ItIsAShameThatWeHaveNotManagedToDoAFamilyPortraitEveryMonthSinceBWasBorn #IGuessSevenOutOfTenIsNotBadConsideringIDidNotRealiseItWasGoingToBeARegularThing

There are definitely themes within this project with the 3 big ones being the family portraits, ‘portrait of a mother of a … month old’ (which I also have not done every month) and imitating B.

#BIsTryingToStandUpAsMuchAsPossibleTheseDays #SheUsesAStepladderTheSofaAllOfMyNansLittleTablesAndThingsLikeGlassShelvesWhichWeHadHiddenAwayWithCushions

The stepladder that I sit on to feed her in her highchair, the sofa that my Nan sits on, the tables that house things like photo frames and vases, and the glass shelves under the TV which she pushes the cushion away from to do so. Fun times.

#SheIsGettingStrongerEverydayButSheStillHasALotOfBumps

I am trying to be chilled out about it, as you could bubble wrap her and she’d still hurt herself.

#TheDentistWentOkayTheOtherDayThoughIKeptApologisingForHowBadMyTeethAre

I just felt embarrassed. She’s like ‘do you eat a lot of sugar?’, but I said I’m paying for my teenage/early 20s sugar sins.

I was known in high school for my addiction to a certain sugary drink and I was sure one day I’d get a tattoo related to it. I’m glad to say that I have no tattoos. I had that certain drink while at a hospital for a pregnancy scan (when pregnant with B) and they wanted her to change positions. They told me to get a sugary drink and walk up and down the corridors. The drink tasted disgusting (probably due to less sugar) and she did not move.

#SheSaidThatWeShouldLetBHavingAGoAtBrushingHerOwnTeethToo #INearlyLaughedOutLoudAsWeAreFindingItDifficultEnough #ButWeJustMakeTheSoundOfAnElectricToothbrushAndSheLetsUsBrushHerSoleToothAndHerGums

I keep referring to her teeth, but she does just have the one for now. I am dreading future teeth arriving. I hope they just all turn up at once.

#MyBackToothIsPlayingUpAndWillProbablyNeedToBeRemovedAtSomePoint

Great. I’m not looking forward to that day.

#ItWasSoWeirdRemovingMyMaskWhileBeingSoCloseToStrangers

The dentist and her assistant.

#IFeltAwkwardRemovingItAndSheSaidThatALotOfPeopleSayTheSame

I just kept it on until she said to take it off as I just felt so weirded out by it.

#ThisMorningTheClocksChangedAndLuckilyForUsBWokeUpAtSevenThirtyWhichWasSixThirtyOldTime

I say luckily enough, but B has been waking up at 6 a lot for a long time.

#SheWokeUpAtSixThirtyYesterdayTooWhichIsBetterThanSixSoLetsSeeWhatTimeSheWakesUpNowWithTheTimeChange

I am guessing it could be 6 new time, which will be 5. I hope not… I hope all the standing up has tired her out.

#IKnowIShouldHaveGoneToBedEarlierLastNightButIKindOfResentedTheFactThatIShouldSoIDidNot

I think I should go to bed early tonight though!

#MyNewJobIsSoTiring

It is a different kind of tiring to mothering all day.

#IHadANapAfterIGotInTodayWhenBHadHersAndIDidTheSameYesterday

Family naps as T also had naps too. He’s not used to looking after B so much at weekends without me either.

We just had a chat and he said he used to feel recharged on Sunday nights for work and now he feels knackered. We’ll have to see how things go.

#TheNapAlwaysEndsUpBeingAbout35MinutesAndIWakeUpFeelingSuperGroggy

So we bring in B from her room and sit in bed until we wake up a bit.

#IRecentlyFoundTheEyeMaskThatIGotForMyJustInCaseHospitalBirthBag

The one that I used for 4 days and have on my head in this photo.

#ItHasBeenGettingSomeUseAndItDefinitelyHelpsMeFallAsleepQuicker

Hello instantly dark room.

#WeDidThisShootAfterWeAllWokeUpFromOurNap

We planned to do it before the nap, but time flew by and we weren’t in the mood.

#WeWouldHaveJustPhotographedUsInBedButIRealisedThatOurLastFamilyPortraitWasUsLyingInBed

Yeah, this one.

#SoWeMovedBsCotAndDidTheShootInHerRoom

My old ‘studio’ wall, which I also use for my dance videos.

#AtOnePointSheActuallyTookASetOfPhotosAsSheWasMessingWithMyComputerAndPressedTheButtonToShootASet

I ordered a new remote as my other one was going weird, but I’ve been using my laptop to just keep shooting frames and I like this method. It’s a lot easier with a wriggling baby…

#SheSpentTheShootTryingToStandUpThenBeingAnnoyedAtUsTryingToKeepHerInShotOrSheWasCrawlingAwayAndBashingMyLaptop

Classic. She does love smacking my laptop a bit too much.

(21st April: I think the final shot is a bit messy with the composition, but this was the reality of trying to do a shoot. I’m never sure what to use to cover B’s face, but I liked how her hand was so I instinctively copied and pasted it, then enlarged it to cover her features better. It fits well with something I like in photos – hands.)

#ItIsNiceToBeOutOfTheHouseMoreButItIsWeird

With my job. I really need to check the weather before I go out as it changes so fast. Today I just wore a coat the whole time as it was spitting constantly (the weather).

#MyBodyIsDefinitelyNotUsedToAllTheWalkingButHopefullyItWillGetOverItSoon

I’ve had my period this week, so hopefully I won’t be so tired next week.

#IAmEnjoyingIntroducingBToMoreMusicThoughSheDoesJustSeemToLoveJumpByVanHalen

She just looks up at our Alexa a lot.

(21st April: Weirdly as I got to this bit it came on. I need to find her more songs as we listen to it way too much.)

#InTheLastWeekIHavePlayedLauraVeirsJulyFlameAlbumALotWhenFeedingHerAsItIsQuiteRelaxing

We used to listen to Bryan Adams a lot, though I was playing The Knife while feeding her dinner today.

‘Heartbeats’ used to be my alarm for years. Tiago heard it and said ‘this used to be your alarm, I hate this song’. Whenever I hear it I do just think of my alarm.

#ICanNotBelieveHowMuchSheChangesWeekToWeekAndHowMuchOfASmallHumanSheIs

Well, these hashtags jumped around a lot at the end, but yes it is so weird. It almost feels like she has always crawled, but 9 months ago she could not even hold her head up by herself. Bizarre.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating How B Clapped Her Hands Until Two Days Ago (10th March 2021)

Imitating How B Clapped Until Two Days Ago (10th March 2021)
 
#UntilTwoDaysAgoBWasClappingLikeSheWasLookingForAFight
#SheLikesToClapAboutEverythingAtTheMoment
#EvenThoughHerSkinGotWorseAgainAndSheHasAColdAndSheIsTeething
#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAsWeOpenedANewTubeOfHydrocortisoneCreamAndItSaidToOnlyUseItForAWeek
#WeHaveBeenUsingItForTwoWeeksAndAsADoctorSaidToUseItTwoTimesADayUntilItWasMuchBetterWeWereOnlyApplyingItOnceADay
#ThisDoctorSaidItIsFineToKeepUsingItTwiceADayAndBsSkinHasGotMuchBetterAlready
#WeJustNeedToKeepApplyingHerOtherCreamEveryHourOrSoAndItDefinitelyMakesADifferenceToo
#SheHasARunnyNoseWhichSheDoesNotLikeHavingWipedSoThatMakesForALotOfFun
#AtTheWeekendSheWasCrawlingALittleBitButThenSheWasSuddenlyOffAroundTheRoom
#YesterdaySheCrawledIntoTheKitchenAndPushedHerselfUpToStandingOnTheStepladderThatISitOnToFeedHer
#ItIsAmazingHowMuchSheChangesWeekToWeek
#AtTheMomentWeAreTryingToHaveTheTelevisionOnLessAndSpendMoreTimeInHerRoom
#ItIsMyNansHouseSoIfSheWantsTheTelevisionOnThenSheShouldHaveItOnButIFeelGuiltyForWatchingIt
#BHasMuchBetterPlaytimeWhenItIsNotOnAndWeReadMoreBooksAndSheCrawlsMore
#MoreCrawlingEqualsBetterSleepWhichIsGoodForUsAll
#IAmStillStressedOutWithMealsButNowIJustSeeWhatSheEatsInHalfAnHourAndLeaveItAtThat
#SheDoesNotSeemToLikeMeFeedingHerAtLunchAndDinnerButIfSheHasSomeKindOfFingerFoodThenSheDoesNotMind
#ItIs5WeeksUntilWeCanAttendAnInPersonBabyClassAgain
#FriendsElsewhereInTheCountryAreAlreadyAttendingBabyGroupsAndOutdoorClassesAndIAmJealous
#EvenThoughISaidBeforeThatTheBabyWalksNearUsAreNotFairOnBAsSheIsABitBoredIHaveTriedToBookSinceButTheyAreAlwaysSoldOut
#ItIsAnnoyingAsIKnowThatPeopleDoNotShowUpAndSoThereAreAlwaysFreeSpotsButOhWell
#ItIsAwkwardWalkingAroundInAGroupLikeThatAndBGetsNothingFromIt
#WhenWeDoOnlineClassesNowBKeepsCrawlingOverToMyLaptopAndSmashesAllTheKeys
#SometimesSheEndsUpTurningMyCameraOffOrUnmutingUsSoItIsAwkwardButFunny
#ThereIsAnOnlineCoffeeMorningTodayWithAMumAppThatIUse
#IWasGoingToAttendButNowIDoNotSeeThePointAsItIsHighlyUnlikelyThatAnyOfTheMumsWillLiveNearUs
#WeJustNeedToWaitThingsOutAndHopeThatThingsDoNotRevert
#IGuessItIsForTheBestThatWeCanNotGoToAnythingAsHopefullyByTheTimeWeCanMyNanWillHaveHadHerSecondVaccine
#IKnowItWillNotCompletelyProtectHerButItWillMakeThingsALittleLessStressful
#SheIsAlsoGettingFedUpOfBeingAtHomeAllTheTimeSoWeWillAllBeHappierWhenWeCanGoOutMore

#UntilTwoDaysAgoBWasClappingLikeSheWasLookingForAFight #SheLikesToClapAboutEverythingAtTheMoment

Last week she clapped when I put her down for a nap. That made me laugh.

#EvenThoughHerSkinGotWorseAgainAndSheHasAColdAndSheIsTeething

Her skin is so stressful. She still has no teeth. It’s great dealing with a baby with a runny nose.

#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAsWeOpenedANewTubeOfHydrocortisoneCreamAndItSaidToOnlyUseItForAWeek #WeHaveBeenUsingItForTwoWeeksAndAsADoctorSaidToUseItTwoTimesADayUntilItWasMuchBetterWeWereOnlyApplyingItOnceADay

Well it was much better and then it suddenly got worse. I wanted some reassurance that it was okay to still use it and to maybe use it twice a day again.

#ThisDoctorSaidItIsFineToKeepUsingItTwiceADayAndBsSkinHasGotMuchBetterAlready

Hurrah. He said some people are on it long term… It’s only a mild one but we still need to be careful.

#WeJustNeedToKeepApplyingHerOtherCreamEveryHourOrSoAndItDefinitelyMakesADifferenceToo

We have ‘Dermol 500’ which the other doctors prescribed. We were using that and that hydromol, but yesterday we just kept applying Dermol and it seemed to make things better.

Her skin is the worst under her vest, and she has a sleepsuit on top of it most of the time. Last night we thought we would try her without the vest but she was crying her eyes out at 11.30 and we put it back on. Her skin seems better. We had also put her in a new brand of nappies, so we’ve gone back to her old ones. The problem with changing a few things is that you’re not sure what is really helping, but I think it is a mix of things really.

#SheHasARunnyNoseWhichSheDoesNotLikeHavingWipedSoThatMakesForALotOfFun

Like I said before – ‘It’s great dealing with a baby with a runny nose.’

#AtTheWeekendSheWasCrawlingALittleBitButThenSheWasSuddenlyOffAroundTheRoom

My Mum came on Saturday morning and B was moving around a bit, then by the afternoon she was crawling fast towards a toy that she wanted.

My Nan has a trolley that she likes to crawl to and play with the wheels, so we’re keeping that away from her now.

#YesterdaySheCrawledIntoTheKitchenAndPushedHerselfUpToStandingOnTheStepladderThatISitOnToFeedHer

It’s now time for constant vigilance. Yay.

#ItIsAmazingHowMuchSheChangesWeekToWeek

We talk to a woman who walks a dog when we see her, which is usually about once a week. She commented yesterday about how much B has changed since she last saw her – which was probably 5 days ago.

#AtTheMomentWeAreTryingToHaveTheTelevisionOnLessAndSpendMoreTimeInHerRoom #ItIsMyNansHouseSoIfSheWantsTheTelevisionOnThenSheShouldHaveItOnButIFeelGuiltyForWatchingIt #BHasMuchBetterPlaytimeWhenItIsNotOnAndWeReadMoreBooksAndSheCrawlsMore

My Nan will say ‘put B’s shows on’. I say ‘B has watched enough TV today’ and my Nan will disagree. I know my Nan means well, but surely me playing with B is much better for her than TV? We didn’t have a TV in Liverpool and we do not plan to have one when we eventually move out. We watch stuff on our computers from time to time, but I don’t like how we can just get stuck in front of the TV. Hopefully the weather will be good soon and we can go out more, and go to classes and do anything else that isn’t sitting in front of the box.

#MoreCrawlingEqualsBetterSleepWhichIsGoodForUsAll

Exactly.

#IAmStillStressedOutWithMealsButNowIJustSeeWhatSheEatsInHalfAnHourAndLeaveItAtThat

Well, sometimes it creeps to 35 to 40 minutes but it is early days.

#SheDoesNotSeemToLikeMeFeedingHerAtLunchAndDinnerButIfSheHasSomeKindOfFingerFoodThenSheDoesNotMind

She loves breakfast and it seems okay for me to feed her, but lunch and dinner are a bit more tricky. I’ve made her broccoli scones and raspberry oat bites that she seems more into, but I need to work on giving her more finger foods as we didn’t do the baby led weaning approach.

I planned to but I found it too stressful.

#ItIs5WeeksUntilWeCanAttendAnInPersonBabyClassAgain

Fingers crossed.

#FriendsElsewhereInTheCountryAreAlreadyAttendingBabyGroupsAndOutdoorClassesAndIAmJealous

If we were still in Liverpool then we would also be quite cut off from things, as we lived on the wrong side of the city for baby classes.

#EvenThoughISaidBeforeThatTheBabyWalksNearUsAreNotFairOnBAsSheIsABitBoredIHaveTriedToBookSinceButTheyAreAlwaysSoldOut

Sometimes I just feel like we need to get out of the house and see people. I feel like B can deal with an hour of it.

#ItIsAnnoyingAsIKnowThatPeopleDoNotShowUpAndSoThereAreAlwaysFreeSpotsButOhWell

We’re on a WhatsApp group and there are usually a lot of ‘sorry I can’t make it messages’. I get it as babies are unpredictable, but we need to book onto it etc.

#ItIsAwkwardWalkingAroundInAGroupLikeThatAndBGetsNothingFromIt

It did make me feel quite anxious last time and I could not really enjoy myself, plus B’s boredom just stressed me out.

#WhenWeDoOnlineClassesNowBKeepsCrawlingOverToMyLaptopAndSmashesAllTheKeys #SometimesSheEndsUpTurningMyCameraOffOrUnmutingUsSoItIsAwkwardButFunny

She was doing it a bit before, but now she is super fast.

#ThereIsAnOnlineCoffeeMorningTodayWithAMumAppThatIUse #IWasGoingToAttendButNowIDoNotSeeThePointAsItIsHighlyUnlikelyThatAnyOfTheMumsWillLiveNearUs

It starts in 15 minutes. B is due to get up in 30 minutes.

I need to do the shoot for this so I’d rather get it done now and then relax during B’s nap later. Or I can just try to quickly do the shoot and attend, and leave early if I do not like it. Hmm. I think I’ll just do the shoot now as we have an online baby class in an hour or so.

#WeJustNeedToWaitThingsOutAndHopeThatThingsDoNotRevert

Let’s hope not.

#IGuessItIsForTheBestThatWeCanNotGoToAnythingAsHopefullyByTheTimeWeCanMyNanWillHaveHadHerSecondVaccine #IKnowItWillNotCompletelyProtectHerButItWillMakeThingsALittleLessStressful

I know that some people are still dying from Covid after having the vaccine, but at least we know she will have some protection and then we need to encourage her to still keep her distance from people etc.

#SheIsAlsoGettingFedUpOfBeingAtHomeAllTheTimeSoWeWillAllBeHappierWhenWeCanGoOutMore

I feel bad for her. I complain about things, but this whole situation is also rubbish for everyone else in different ways. She misses going out to the shops, which was her main source of joy before. Hopefully things will be better for us all soon.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B With Her Hands And Feet On The Floor (6th March 2021)

Imitating B With Her Hands And Feet On The Floor (6th March 2021)
 
#BIsDefinitelyMovingAroundQuickerEachDay
#YesterdaySheGotStuckByTheCushionsByTheTVAsSheOnlyLikesRollingOneWaySoSheKeptRollingIntoThemRatherThanAwayFromThem
#ThisPhotoIsMeImitatingHerWithHerHandsAndFeetOnTheFloorWhichSheHasStartedToDoInTheLastWeekOrSo
#ICanNotImagineHerWalkingAroundButIGuessThoseDaysAreGettingCloserAndCloser
#SometimesAtNightNowIHearHerCryingSoITurnOnTheMonitorAndSheIsJustSatUpInHerCot
#IHadACallWithMySupportBefrienderPersonTheOtherDay
#SheSaidSheThatCouldTellThatIWasDown
#ISaidIDoNotKnowWhyIBotherMakingProjectsAndThingsWithTheFreeTimeIHaveWhenICouldBeRelaxingInstead
#SheSaidItIsBecauseYouLoveIt
#ILikeThisProjectFromTimeToTimeButItIsMoreThatIFeelIHaveToMakeIt
#WhenIDoAGoodShootIFeelGreatButWhenIDoNotIFeelPrettyDown
#SoHerCommentGaveMeAKickToActuallyStartShootingForAProjectThatIHaveBeenThinkingAboutForAFewWeeks
#IDoNotKnowIfItWillEverSeeTheLightOfDayButIDefinitelyFeelBetterForHavingStartedIt
#ThisMorningTiagoGotBUpAt7AndHeWillLookAfterHerUntilHerNapAtAround10
#IDidMyDanceVideosFirstThingToGetThemDoneAsIFeelLikeTheyHangOverMeAtTheWeekend
#TodayIReallyEnjoyedItButSomeWeeksItIsJustAnotherThingThatIFeelIHaveToDo
#INeedToStopFeelingGuiltyForHavingSomeTimeToMyself
#IWorkPrettyQuicklyNowWithTheFreeTimeIHaveAndTiagoIsBsDadSoOfCourseHeShouldBeSpendingTimeWithHer
#IThinkIFeelBadAsTiagoIsWorkingAllWeekAndMakingMoneyWhereasIDoNotMakeMuch
#IAmDoingSomeNonArtPaidWorkAtTheMomentWhichIJustDoInFifteenMinutesToTwoHoursIshSessions
#IDoLookForOtherWorkWhereBWouldHaveToGoToNurseryButThereDoesNotSeemToBeMuchOutThere
#ItWouldAlsoNeedToBeSomethingWhichLeavesMeWithEnoughAfterPayingNurseryFeesToSeemWorthIt
#MostOfTheMumsIKnowWithBabiesOfASimilarAgeAreEitherBackAtWorkOrGoingBackSoon
#ItIsAnnoyingInTheSenseThatSoonWeWillBeAbleToHangOutWithOtherBabiesButTheyAllMightBeInNurseries
#IGuessThereWillBeSomeAroundThoughWhoseParentsWorkPartTimeOrWhoAreInASimilarPosition
#IHaveSpokenToACoupleOfMumsThisWeekAtThePlaygroundWeGoTo
#IRealiseNowThatEveryoneElseProbablyWantsToChatButTheyAreJustAsAwkwardAsMe
#MyCurrentMumPickupLineIsHowOldIsYourLittleOne
#WeSayWeWillSeeEachOtherAroundButWeHaveLivedHereForFourMonthsAndIDoNotThinkIHaveSeenThemBefore
#WorkingOnANewProjectAndTalkingToPeopleMakesMeFeelHappierSoINeedToKeepOnDoingWhatIAmDoing

#BIsDefinitelyMovingAroundQuickerEachDay

I’m excited for her to walk, but I’m almost nervous. We’re on bump alert most of the time at the moment.

#YesterdaySheGotStuckByTheCushionsByTheTVAsSheOnlyLikesRollingOneWaySoSheKeptRollingIntoThemRatherThanAwayFromThem

We have cushions everywhere. She definitely has a rolling preference. She was getting agitated and I’m like ‘why don’t you just roll the other way?’

Obviously she can’t understand me, but eventually she had rolled into them enough times that she was able to make enough space to roll onto her belly and crawl away. Gripping stuff.

#ThisPhotoIsMeImitatingHerWithHerHandsAndFeetOnTheFloorWhichSheHasStartedToDoInTheLastWeekOrSo

I was toying between imitating this and the way she sits down sometimes. I will have to aim to do that next time.

I haven’t done the shoot yet, but I wrote it like I had. I guess the backdrop will be the cupboards in our bedroom again… I could quickly go into B’s room and do it there, but by the time I finish writing this she is due to sleep. I could just go and do the shoot now. Hmm.

Okay I need to move quick…

Well that was fun. Tiago and B came up during the shoot and the light was blocking the doorway (health and safety!!!), so Tiago passed B over the light which she found hilarious.

I obviously (well maybe it’s not that obvious) have more hair than B. I did some yoga after my dance videos too so that helped, especially as B is so flexible.

#ICanNotImagineHerWalkingAroundButIGuessThoseDaysAreGettingCloserAndCloser

So bizarre. I know other babies who are standing up/supporting themselves, but B seemed to want to crawl first and now she has mastered that she is working on her standing.

#SometimesAtNightNowIHearHerCryingSoITurnOnTheMonitorAndSheIsJustSatUpInHerCot

I wanted to write more about this/I did and then deleted them as I needed more space for other things. Maybe I should have kept them? Maybe I should have saved it for my next post?

It did weird me out the first time I saw her just sat there. I don’t know why, it just looked odd!

#IHadACallWithMySupportBefrienderPersonTheOtherDay

I never know what to call her. The woman who calls me every 2 weeks to talk about my mental health. I had thought about quitting the service as they probably have a waiting list and I don’t want to unnecessarily take up their resources. I just feel like I don’t have time for a 30 minute call every 2 weeks (lol) as it happens during B’s nap, but it is useful and it does make me think differently about things.

#SheSaidSheThatCouldTellThatIWasDown

I was trying to hide it.

#ISaidIDoNotKnowWhyIBotherMakingProjectsAndThingsWithTheFreeTimeIHaveWhenICouldBeRelaxingInstead

I have said it before. I wish I could just relax and do nothing, but I’m stubborn about making work. I obviously need to do it as well.

#SheSaidItIsBecauseYouLoveIt

I was like ‘Do I though?’

#ILikeThisProjectFromTimeToTimeButItIsMoreThatIFeelIHaveToMakeIt

It is more just a project that I feel I am stuck making for now. I don’t know how long I will do it for. I thought maybe until B is one, but maybe it is a more long-term thing now that I just need to do once a week, so I have time for other things?

#WhenIDoAGoodShootIFeelGreatButWhenIDoNotIFeelPrettyDown

At the moment this shoot sits on the so-so pile. I might feel differently about it later.

Some weeks I have really not wanted to do this project, particularly when B was a bit younger.

In my ArtsQuest article (ooh get me quoting myself) I said ‘I decided to set up the blog not long after giving birth in June 2020 in a sleep-deprived haze of confidence. There are times that I have told myself off for giving myself extra work as my stubbornness means I will continue to write posts for probably at least a few more years to come whether anyone reads it or not.

I am glad that I did not quit it when there were times that I wanted to. I think this project will be interesting to look back on when B is older.

My favourite shoots are definitely those where I am imitating B, so I just need to make it more fun and playful.

#SoHerCommentGaveMeAKickToActuallyStartShootingForAProjectThatIHaveBeenThinkingAboutForAFewWeeks

Sometimes I have ideas that pass quickly, but this one was stuck in my head to the point where I knew I needed to do it. I had been doing some research for it, but I usually work best by shooting and seeing where it goes. It’s meant to be a fun project, which is self-portraiture and sticks within my interests.

#IDoNotKnowIfItWillEverSeeTheLightOfDayButIDefinitelyFeelBetterForHavingStartedIt

Starting a project is the hardest thing. Particularly now when my last few photography projects have generally been shoot, talk about it and post it, it’s weird doing work where it doesn’t feel like that might be the case. I may need to sit on it and see. It is another project though where I think I do just need to do keep shooting and accumulate mass to wade through.

Was that poetic? It seemed to be.

#ThisMorningTiagoGotBUpAt7AndHeWillLookAfterHerUntilHerNapAtAround10

He’s just gone off for a bike ride and I had 3 hours in the morning to do things. BEAUTIFUL. It’s 10.30am now and B should be asleep for another 45 minutes, so I’m really enjoying getting things done. In the morning I have a list of things that I want to do in my head and it’s a long time to wait until 7.30pm when I can usually get more things done.

#IDidMyDanceVideosFirstThingToGetThemDoneAsIFeelLikeTheyHangOverMeAtTheWeekend

Nothing like waking yourself up with dance videos. I did 5 today. I usually do 3/4, and one was 7 minutes long!

#TodayIReallyEnjoyedItButSomeWeeksItIsJustAnotherThingThatIFeelIHaveToDo

My support befriender person said I’m disciplined. I guess it’s true.

I’ve always said with the dance videos that the project is over when I don’t want to do it anymore. Some weeks it feels like more of a slog (having to move furniture and stuff is always fun), but other times I do get into it more. It’s meant to be an exercise in not caring and today I didn’t care and just enjoyed it.

#INeedToStopFeelingGuiltyForHavingSomeTimeToMyself

Oh, Mum guilt.

#IWorkPrettyQuicklyNowWithTheFreeTimeIHaveAndTiagoIsBsDadSoOfCourseHeShouldBeSpendingTimeWithHer

And he likes spending time with her. I do not faff so much anymore, particularly at this time of day when I know that I can not take the piss.

#IThinkIFeelBadAsTiagoIsWorkingAllWeekAndMakingMoneyWhereasIDoNotMakeMuch

He works so hard and I want him to have time to rest and relax. Well, I guess playing with your daughter is relaxing?

#IAmDoingSomeNonArtPaidWorkAtTheMomentWhichIJustDoInFifteenMinutesToTwoHoursIshSessions

At the moment the work comes when it comes, when it doesn’t come then I do my own work.

#IDoLookForOtherWorkWhereBWouldHaveToGoToNurseryButThereDoesNotSeemToBeMuchOutThere

It’s a weird time.

#ItWouldAlsoNeedToBeSomethingWhichLeavesMeWithEnoughAfterPayingNurseryFeesToSeemWorthIt

If I’m left with 5 quid afterwards then what’s the point? Some people might say yeah it’s 5 quid, but it seems like a lot of hassle. Hopefully something will come up at some point, but for now I should enjoy spending time with B as I’m sure a lot of people would just prefer to be at home with their kids. I know I am lucky.

Having time away from B this morning makes me look forward to playing with her when she wakes up. I don’t feel as excited if I’m with her all day every day you know? No offence B.

#MostOfTheMumsIKnowWithBabiesOfASimilarAgeAreEitherBackAtWorkOrGoingBackSoon #ItIsAnnoyingInTheSenseThatSoonWeWillBeAbleToHangOutWithOtherBabiesButTheyAllMightBeInNurseries

I just want to have a gaggle of friends who we meet up with in the summer and chill in the park with. She might have to make do with younger friends but that’s fine. A lot of the younger babies that we have met will be acknowledging other babies/not sleeping all the time by the time the better weather comes around.

#IGuessThereWillBeSomeAroundThoughWhoseParentsWorkPartTimeOrWhoAreInASimilarPosition

A lot of people seem to be cutting/condensing their hours to fewer days a week, so I guess there will be a day when people are free to play.

#IHaveSpokenToACoupleOfMumsThisWeekAtThePlaygroundWeGoTo

It always seems to come in phases – one week I talk to people and then I do not talk to anyone for a week.

#IRealiseNowThatEveryoneElseProbablyWantsToChatButTheyAreJustAsAwkwardAsMe

I think people do not know how to start a conversation (like me).

#MyCurrentMumPickupLineIsHowOldIsYourLittleOne

This seems to be a good one. I don’t offend someone by misgendering their child, and it’s something that doesn’t seem too intimidating. I usually direct it to people who have sat their kid in the swing next to us.

#WeSayWeWillSeeEachOtherAroundButWeHaveLivedHereForFourMonthsAndIDoNotThinkIHaveSeenThemBefore

One woman I think we might have seen once before, but the other one I really don’t think I have. We’ll see how long it takes to bump into them again.

#WorkingOnANewProjectAndTalkingToPeopleMakesMeFeelHappierSoINeedToKeepOnDoingWhatIAmDoing

Last time I spoke to more people I was feeling really down due to ‘am I pregnant/am I not?’ issues and other people made the effort, but now I am feeling better I am the one reaching out. I guess things go in waves, but I want to keep getting mentally and physically stronger.


Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!