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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

They Say That It Takes A Village To Raise A Child, But We’re Cut Off From The Village (7th October 2020)

Me looking at B while she pushes her feet on my face
They Say That It Takes A Village To Raise A Child, But We’re Cut Off From The Village (7th October 2020)
 
#TiagoSaysThatWeDoNotHaveAVillage
#IPointedOutThatWeDoButItIsJustNotALocalVillageAsNoOneFromOurFamilyLivesCloseToUs
#BsSleepHasGottenWorse
#SheWasWakingUpAtNightBeforeButSheDidNotNeedToBeFedAndCouldBeSettled
#NowSheWakesUpWithAHarshCryAndWillOnlySettleIfIFeedHer
#IThinkSheFeedsMoreForComfortThanBecauseSheIsHungryThough
#SheHadInjectionsAndThatNightSheSleptStraightThrough
#WhichWasOddAsSheDoesUsuallyWakeUp
#IHaveHadToFeedHerTwiceTheLastCoupleOfNights
#WeWereGettingAnnoyedLastNight
#IPutHerOnOurBedToGetReadyToFeedHer
#ThenSheStartedToSmileAndBeAllCuteSoWeInstantlyFeltBad
#IWasReadingThatYouShouldNotWatchTVAndBeOnYourPhoneWhilstYouFeed
#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainSinceTiagoWentBackToWork
#AndTheFilmsHaveBeenHighlightsDuringLongFeeds
#AsIUsuallyFeedHerFor40Minutes
#ThereIsOnlySoMuchThatICanTalkToHerWhilstSheHasHerMouthFull
#YesIDoFeelGuilty
#MyLifeIsPrettyMuchTheSameEveryday
#IThinkThisPandemicIsMakingMoreSociallyAwkwardThanIAlreadyWas
#TheIdeaOfGroupChatsJustMakesMeFeelAnxious
#ICanNotImagineBeingInARoomFullOfPeopleAtAnEventAnymore
#ItIsSoWeird
#WeTookBSwimmingTheOtherDay
#SheSeemedToLikeItThoughWeWereOnlyInTheWaterFor20Minutes
#ItWasNiceToDoSomethingDifferentAsAFamily
#TheWeatherHasTurnedAndTheOtherDayIDidNotGoOutForAWalkThenYesterdayIGotRainedOn
#INeedToJustFocusOnTakingLifeOneDayAtATime
#AndTryToFindMorePositivityInThisWeirdTimeAsOtherwiseItIsGoingToBeAVeryLongWinter
#IReallyEnjoyedThisShootWithBSoMaybeINeedToCollaborateWithHerMore

<25th October: I wrote this blog post on 7th October.>

#TiagoSaysThatWeDoNotHaveAVillage #IPointedOutThatWeDoButItIsJustNotALocalVillageAsNoOneFromOurFamilyLivesCloseToUs

I am kind of bored with whining about not being able to see my family, and friends who live further afield. It sucks, but we are not the only people who can not see people.

We need the support, but I know that some of those who we can’t see have less day to day support, and I feel bad that we can’t help them right now.

#BsSleepHasGottenWorse #SheWasWakingUpAtNightBeforeButSheDidNotNeedToBeFedAndCouldBeSettled

Her crying was usually quite soft and with some reassurance she would usually go back to sleep.

#NowSheWakesUpWithAHarshCryAndWillOnlySettleIfIFeedHer

I try to leave it 5 minutes before going to her, but it is so loud and she sounds so distressed that I usually only manage a minute.

#IThinkSheFeedsMoreForComfortThanBecauseSheIsHungryThough

I have been feeding her a three hour-ish intervals during the day, just like when she was sleeping well. She usually goes to sleep quite quickly after being fed though.

#SheHadInjectionsAndThatNightSheSleptStraightThrough #WhichWasOddAsSheDoesUsuallyWakeUp

I figured they made her drowsy, which is normal, right?

#IHaveHadToFeedHerTwiceTheLastCoupleOfNights

Before if I had to feed her it would usually be around 4am. Last night I had to feed her around midnight, then 4am (she was crying at 3am, but I managed to settle her until 4).

#WeWereGettingAnnoyedLastNight

The first time I was really annoyed as it took me ages to fall asleep and I felt like I was just drifting off when she woke up.

#IPutHerOnOurBedToGetReadyToFeedHer

I thought she would start crying as when she is hungry she gets upset about me putting her down on the bed first.

#ThenSheStartedToSmileAndBeAllCuteSoWeInstantlyFeltBad

I think smiling and being cute is definitely due to survival instinct. How did cave women survive sore nipples without nipple cream? Smiles are powerful.

#IWasReadingThatYouShouldNotWatchTVAndBeOnYourPhoneWhilstYouFeed

Le sigh.

#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainSinceTiagoWentBackToWork #AndTheFilmsHaveBeenHighlightsDuringLongFeeds #AsIUsuallyFeedHerFor40Minutes #ThereIsOnlySoMuchThatICanTalkToHerWhilstSheHasHerMouthFull #YesIDoFeelGuilty

Do I think that most people are watching TV/on their phones whilst feeding their baby? Yes.

Have I enjoyed watching The Addams Family movies? Yes.

We live in weird times where we aren’t able to do a lot of things right now, so I don’t want to take away things that I do have. I will try turning it down and talking to her more though – or do I just say this on my blog to try to not feel so bad?

<25th October – I haven’t watched a film while feeding her in a while…>

#MyLifeIsPrettyMuchTheSameEveryday

I seem to talk frequently about how my life is 3 hour cycles during the day.

#IThinkThisPandemicIsMakingMoreSociallyAwkwardThanIAlreadyWas #TheIdeaOfGroupChatsJustMakesMeFeelAnxious #ICanNotImagineBeingInARoomFullOfPeopleAtAnEventAnymore #ItIsSoWeird

I have mentioned before about how I feel like I am getting worse at eye contact.

I have always been better at one to one conversations than group ones. I always find them awkward – particularly now in the age of zoom. I have arranged one for today, but I do not think I will attend as I do not feel up to it. I feel too crappy and I feel like the whole thing will make me feel worse.

#WeTookBSwimmingTheOtherDay #SheSeemedToLikeItThoughWeWereOnlyInTheWaterFor20Minutes #ItWasNiceToDoSomethingDifferentAsAFamily

It was quite late in the day so I felt anxious for most of it. Pre-pandemic I would worry about what to do when I got somewhere and I would try to map it all out in my mind. Pandemic measures have just made me feel more nervous, but in the end it was fine and if we go again I will know how it all works (or most of it if the rules change).

We just floated B on the surface and moved her about. She did drink some water… Oops. She seemed to enjoy it though (the swimming, not trying a new drink) and didn’t cry at all.

It was an operation to get her dressed quick after though as she got very cold after we got out. We had to bath her when we got home and I washed my hair at home too as there were signs that said we weren’t allowed to use shampoo at the pool. So it was a day long thing in the end really.

I do want to go again, but I think every week would be a bit much.

#TheWeatherHasTurnedAndTheOtherDayIDidNotGoOutForAWalkThenYesterdayIGotRainedOn

Though I did figure out how to get her pushchair rain cover on properly yesterday so I feel a little less awkward about going out now. I realised that I had lost some of my confidence with going out – we had been going out as a family for a week and I was still not used to B’s new pushchair situation.

I am definitely going to try to go out everyday though and just keep an eye on the weather.

#INeedToJustFocusOnTakingLifeOneDayAtATime #AndTryToFindMorePositivityInThisWeirdTimeAsOtherwiseItIsGoingToBeAVeryLongWinter

I had the O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack on as I was writing the hashtags. Keep On The Sunny Side was playing as I got to the end of them.

Yesterday I happened to read something about negativity bias, which I had never heard about before but I know it is something that I need to work on changing…

#IReallyEnjoyedThisShootWithBSoMaybeINeedToCollaborateWithHerMore

I wrote all the hashtags before the shoot – except for this one. I am adding this as B plays on her mat. She is getting more grabby – with her hands and feet.

Just because I am not showing her face does not mean that she can’t be in more shoots. I guess there is only so much that we can do, but she does not seem to mind just sitting/lying on me whilst I take photos.

<25th October: A few days after this shoot and hashtag we decided to leave Liverpool and move in with my Nan in Birmingham. We arrived yesterday. Packing a flat up with a 4 month old during a pandemic was not easy, and now I am looking at the mountain of stuff wondering how we are going to unpack it all.

I tried to start on it all this morning, but I just didn’t know where to start. The good thing is we don’t need most of it right now, but it’s definitely going to be a challenge.

I could have added updates to a lot of this post like I usually do, but I address a lot of it in following posts and… I’m tired.>


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

My Baby Is A Brick Wall (14th July 2020)

Whether to have the title as a simile or a metaphor? I went with metaphor…

My Baby Is A Brick Wall (14th July 2020)
 
#IHaveBeenABitEmotionalThisMorning
#IFeelABitDetachedFromBAtTimes
#WhilstTiagoSaysHeCanNotBelieveHowMuchHeIsInLoveWithHer
#IAmHappyHeFeelsThisWayAboutHer
#IHaveNeverBeenAMassiveFanOfNewbornsAsIFeelLikeTheyDoNotDoMuch
#ThoughIHaveAlwaysSaidItMustBeDifferentWhenItIsYourOwnChildAsYouSeeTheSmallChanges
#IThinkWhatIFindMostDifficultIsThatIFeelLikeIAmNotGettingMuchBackFromHerEmotionally
#SheIsStartingToSmileThoughIThinkItIsMostlyOnAccident
#WhenSheSmilesPurposefullyIThinkIWillFeelDifferentAsAtTheMomentItFeelsLikeSheIsABrickWall
#ILoveToMakePeopleLaughAndThereIsNoBetterSoundInTheWorldThanABabyLaughing
#IFindMyselfPullingTheSameFacesAndDoingThingsThatMakeMyNieceLaughAndIGetNothingOrAFrownBackFromB
#IJustHadAnOnlineSearchAndGigglingIsFromMonth3Or4AndSheIsJust1Month
#ThePurposefulSmilesStartBetween6And12Weeks
#IGuessWeKnowWhenSheIsContentWhichIsWhenSheIsNotCrying
#ButINeedMoreOfAnIndicationThatIAmDoingAGoodJob
#ISupposeIJustHaveToWaitAndMaybeLaterIWillFeelBetter
#IAlsoFeelGuiltyThatWeHaveStartedToGiveHerADummy
#ThoughIOnlyFeelGuiltyAsIWorryWhatPeopleThink
#IKnowItIsTheBestThingForMyFamily
#PeopleCanBeSoJudgmentalAboutAllThingsParentingAndLifeInGeneral
#IfWeWantAdviceWeWillAskForIt
#WeStartedToGiveHerADummyAsSheWasAlwaysJustRestingWithTheBottleTeatOrANippleInHerMouthAndNotDrinking
#INeverHadADummyAsABabyButISuckedMyThumbAndTwiddledMyHairALotInstead
#IAlsoToldTiagoThatINeedABitMoreAttention
#AGoodHugBeforeSleepOrWhateverAsItMakesABigDifferenceToMe
#IGuessIDoGetABitJealousSeeingBGetAllHisAttention
#ThatSeemsHardToAdmitButMostlyBecauseIKnowOneDayIWillShareAllOfThis
#TheLastFewDaysIHaveStartedToReadToBMoreToMakeSureIHaveSomeGoodQualityTimeWithHer
#ItFeelsLikeSettingUpABlogWasNotTheSmartestThingToDoRightNowButIGuessItIsBecauseIPutTooMuchPressureOnMyselfAndItShouldBeMoreCasual
#IThinkIFeelRubbishBecauseThisIsMyFirstShootInNearlyAWeekAndIFeelMyWorstWhenIAmNotMakingWork

Sometimes I focus so much on explaining the hashtags that I forget to talk about the photos (I am writing this after I already pressed publish.)

The idea with the picture is that I’m looking away/facing a wall and not showing you the expression on my face. I wasn’t trying to hide a teary face or anything, it just seemed fitting.

(You can also see how long the nail was on the little finger of my left hand. It looked horrible, but it became a weird thing of ‘how long can I grow this’, but I cut my nails in the end as I was worried that I would poke her in the eye with one of them.)

#IFeelABitDetachedFromBAtTimes

I have been thinking about this a bit and I think this is another reason why I chose to express rather than breastfeed so much. This meant that Tiago could feed her more and it allowed me to keep my distance. Perhaps I was overwhelmed, which seems understandable.

I think it was just such a bizarre thing and I couldn’t get my head around the fact that I had grown a human inside me and now they were here demanding my attention and my body. I hadn’t needed to be this responsible in my whole life and now I had to be. I hope she doesn’t read this in the future and think I disliked her or something. I just needed some time to adjust and get my head around her existence and what was expected of me, and now I have.

I say think too much. Sometimes I am not sure, but other times I know and I try to distance myself from my feelings a little. It is hard saying things about myself that make me look bad, but as always I admit it in hope that it helps someone else.

#WhilstTiagoSaysHeCanNotBelieveHowMuchHeIsInLoveWithHer

Tiago stepped up, whereas I stepped back. I’m so glad she has such a loving father. (I’m getting emotional writing this.)

#IHaveNeverBeenAMassiveFanOfNewbornsAsIFeelLikeTheyDoNotDoMuch #ThoughIHaveAlwaysSaidItMustBeDifferentWhenItIsYourOwnChildAsYouSeeTheSmallChanges

Yep. In the past people I know had babies and I ran away a bit. To be fair it was because I thought they wanted time to be in a baby bubble, but after having a kid myself I was keen to get out and socialise though I didn’t always feel confident. (Covid got and still gets in the way of this though.) I also just didn’t feel confident around newborns, even though I was 10+ when my little sister was born and I was confident with her then. That was a long time ago though. I felt nervous holding my niece and being around her when she was 6 months old, but I quickly got used to her to be fair.

I just need time to adapt, though sometimes I only need minutes and other times I need weeks apparently. Sleep deprivation probably didn’t help speed things up either.

#IThinkWhatIFindMostDifficultIsThatIFeelLikeIAmNotGettingMuchBackFromHerEmotionally
#SheIsStartingToSmileThoughIThinkItIsMostlyOnAccident
#WhenSheSmilesPurposefullyIThinkIWillFeelDifferentAsAtTheMomentItFeelsLikeSheIsABrickWall

Oh I used a simile for the hashtag, but a metaphor for the title. Interesting. Having her smile and react to me really is amazing though and it has made a huge difference.

This afternoon I was singing her Old MacDonald Had A Farm (as an app I have said it’s good for them to see the shapes your mouth pulls) and then Hey Baby by DJ Otzi (quite randomly, not sure where that song came from in my head). Whilst I was singing she was staring at me intently and then started to touch my face a lot. Maybe the face touching was not that intentional, but it seemed like she was exploring my face.

#ILoveToMakePeopleLaughAndThereIsNoBetterSoundInTheWorldThanABabyLaughing #IFindMyselfPullingTheSameFacesAndDoingThingsThatMakeMyNieceLaughAndIGetNothingOrAFrownBackFromB
#IJustHadAnOnlineSearchAndGigglingIsFromMonth3Or4AndSheIsJust1Month

I really can’t wait until she giggles. A health visitor came today and they asked if B is chuckling. I said no, but she said she meant looking like she was chuckling but not making the sound. She does do that at times.

She is over 2 months now so it’s not too long to wait! It was nice to just have a good playtime with her this afternoon, and now that I am writing these blog posts in the evening when Tiago looks after her for a bit I feel more relaxed in the day.

#ISupposeIJustHaveToWaitAndMaybeLaterIWillFeelBetter

I definitely feel better. I haven’t cried in 2 weeks, which was probably close to when she started to smile properly. I’ve also got a better work/life balance going on at the moment and I’m feeling productive. This answers the last hashtag (#IThinkIFeelRubbishBecauseThisIsMyFirstShootInNearlyAWeekAndIFeelMyWorstWhenIAmNotMakingWork).

#IAlsoFeelGuiltyThatWeHaveStartedToGiveHerADummy #ThoughIOnlyFeelGuiltyAsIWorryWhatPeopleThink
#IKnowItIsTheBestThingForMyFamil
y

Like I said yesterday I don’t feel bad about this anymore. It is the best thing for my family.

#PeopleCanBeSoJudgmentalAboutAllThingsParentingAndLifeInGeneral
#IfWeWantAdviceWeWillAskForIt

Just realised that I spelt judgmental wrong (I put judgemental) and so I had to replace it in 6 places… but yeah people are judgmental and I judge people too, though I’m trying to do less of that. I generally try to put myself in other people’s shoes and think about how they feel and why they act the way they do or do certain things.

#IAlsoToldTiagoThatINeedABitMoreAttention
#AGoodHugBeforeSleepOrWhateverAsItMakesABigDifferenceToMe
#IGuessIDoGetABitJealousSeeingBGetAllHisAttention
#ThatSeemsHardToAdmitButMostlyBecauseIKnowOneDayIWillShareAllOfThis

It definitely is hard admitting this stuff/saying it out loud to a possible audience. I thought about deleting it but it defeats the point of this blog really. I know I’m not the first person to feel this way and so it feels somewhat important to share it. When I say jealous though it’s not in a mean/hateful way though, it’s more of a casual jealousy if that makes sense?

Maybe this is why I felt distant too? Now we sometimes have good quality time as a family. It’ll be nice when she is the age where she can give and receive hugs properly. Family hugs! (heart emoji)

#TheLastFewDaysIHaveStartedToReadToBMoreToMakeSureIHaveSomeGoodQualityTimeWithHer

Yep, quality time. So important. I find myself singing the books to her and like I said I sang to her a lot earlier. I think my singing voice is getting a little better which is a nice side effect, though maybe I really sound like a screeching cat. I think quality time will get even more special as she gets older and responds more. If she’s how she is now after 9 weeks, then I know she will be doing so much more very soon. It’s exciting! These hashtags are quite negative, but I really am more positive about everything and more excited about watching her grow.

#ItFeelsLikeSettingUpABlogWasNotTheSmartestThingToDoRightNowButIGuessItIsBecauseIPutTooMuchPressureOnMyselfAndItShouldBeMoreCasual

Referencing my blog in my work, how fun. I definitely feel like I’m enjoying the blog more these days though. This is post 14 of the current 27 that need to be made, so at this rate it will probably take me at least 3 weeks to catch up on myself depending on how much I shoot and if I skip some days.

This blog is a really good exercise in just saying what I think as I don’t have time to make up lies or skip around things too much.

The hashtags are a good exercise in themselves, but expanding on them like I do in this blog is another level in terms of pushing myself out of my comfort zone and feeling confident with my words.

Hearing friends who just had babies say that they read certain blog posts really pushes me on too.


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