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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B Using A Balloon As A Pillow (19th May 2021)

Imitating B Using A Balloon As A Pillow (19th May 2021)
 
#IHaveOnlySeenHerDoThisOnceButSheIsStartingToRestHerHeadOnThings
#TheFloorACushionMyLapThisBalloon
#HerPersonalitySeemsToBeDevelopingMoreEveryday
#SheIsSuddenlyTakingMoreOfAnInterestInDogsWhichMakesOurWalksMoreInteresting
#TheOtherDayWeMetUpWithAFriendForAPicnicAndADogKeptStealingTheirFood
#YesterdayIReadAnArticleAboutPeoplesHighsAndLowsOfHavingALockdownBaby
#ItReallyMadeMeFeelQuiteDownButIThinkNotHavingSleptMuchDidNotHelpEither
#IHaveStartedToStayUpTooLateAtNightButOftenICanNotSleep
#BGoesToBedAndIAmTiredButThenISuddenlyWakeUpAndWantMoreOfMyOwnTime
#IHaveJustBeenWastingMyTimeWatchingYoutubeVideosAndThings
#IAmFindingItHardToWriteTheseHashtagsTodayAndIThinkItIsBecauseIAmTired
#BWokeUpAtFiveFortyThisMorningButIPutTheHeatingOnInHerRoomAndWeThenHadToWakeHerUpAtSeven
#MyNansHouseIsUsuallyQuiteHotSoIThinkBIsQuiteUsedToTheHeatNow
#IWonderHowSheWillDealWithBeingOnHolidayInAMuchCoolerHouse
#IWouldRatherJustBeHavingANapRightNowButIFeelBadIfIDoNotDoThisProject
#IDoDebateHavingSomeTimeOffMyWorkButTheFeelingPassesAndIGetOnWithItAllAgain
#ITookBToSoftPlayTheOtherDayAndItWasNotAsGreatAsIHopedItWouldBe
#TheYoungKidsSectionWasABitSadAndPeopleGraduallyStoppedWearingTheirMasksWhichPissedMeOff
#IThinkABigPartOfItIsDownToWhoIsThereAtTheSameTimeAsYou
#EveryoneElseSeemedToBeThereWithSomeoneElseAndINeedToStopBeingAwkwardAboutTalkingToPeople
#ITookBOnTheSlideACoupleOfTimesThoughIThinkIFoundItMoreFunThanHer
#IWillProbablyEndUpTakingHerThereAgainSoonJustAsThereIsNotMuchElseAroundHereToDo
#IAmHopingToTryOutANewPlaygroupWithHer
#DueToThePandemicYouHaveToPrebookEverythingWhichIsNotGreatForSpontaneousPlans
#SomeGoodNewsIsThatTiagosPassportHasArrivedSoThatIsOneLessThingToWorryAbout
#ICutHisHairForTheThirdTimeTheOtherDayAndNowHisPassportPictureLooksNothingLikeHim
#HeShavedTooAndNowHeJustLooksLikeBsOlderBrother
#IAmTryingToGetBackIntoExercisingThoughIGenerallyDoSpeedUpMyStretchingVideos
#ToBeFairIHaveDoneThemAllSoManyTimesThatIDoNotNeedToHearTheLongExplanations
#IAmSoOverFeedingBNowThatITurnHerPorridgeIntoPancakes

#IHaveOnlySeenHerDoThisOnceButSheIsStartingToRestHerHeadOnThings

It is quite cute, though when I took her to soft play the other day she was just lying with her head on the floor and I felt like a few people were judging me as she looked like she was having a tantrum or something.

#TheFloorACushionMyLapThisBalloon

We have a lot of cushions around the living room to protect her from furniture and she will just chill on them a bit now.

#HerPersonalitySeemsToBeDevelopingMoreEveryday

I love when she laughs at things.

#SheIsSuddenlyTakingMoreOfAnInterestInDogsWhichMakesOurWalksMoreInteresting

There are a group of people who have been gathering on an area of grass with their dogs for months who I call ‘the dog club’ (very original), and now B likes to look at them all. I’m trying to get more comfortable with us stopping and looking at them, without feeling like a big weirdo.

#TheOtherDayWeMetUpWithAFriendForAPicnicAndADogKeptStealingTheirFood

Well B was stealing her friend’s food, and the dog was stealing food from both of them. The owners really didn’t seem that bothered. Thanks.

#YesterdayIReadAnArticleAboutPeoplesHighsAndLowsOfHavingALockdownBaby #ItReallyMadeMeFeelQuiteDownButIThinkNotHavingSleptMuchDidNotHelpEither

The article was on The Guardian. I was feeling alright and then after reading that I just felt rubbish. I really hope that B gets to meet T’s parents this summer… I had a long nap when B napped and I felt better.

#IHaveStartedToStayUpTooLateAtNightButOftenICanNotSleep

Last week I was not falling asleep for over an hour, so now I just stay up an hour later and then don’t fall asleep for another hour.

#BGoesToBedAndIAmTiredButThenISuddenlyWakeUpAndWantMoreOfMyOwnTime

It’s either go to bed early and feel alright in the morning, or stay up and feel good about having some time to myself and then feel grim in the morning. I do not like feeling tired, so I just need to suck it up and go to bed earlier.

#IHaveJustBeenWastingMyTimeWatchingYoutubeVideosAndThings

Watching highlights from comedy gameshows and watching RuPaul’s Drag Race Down Under.

#IAmFindingItHardToWriteTheseHashtagsTodayAndIThinkItIsBecauseIAmTired

I feel so groggy, though I was feeling fine at 7 this morning.

#BWokeUpAtFiveFortyThisMorningButIPutTheHeatingOnInHerRoomAndWeThenHadToWakeHerUpAtSeven

Great. Yesterday she was awake at 5.30am and then didn’t go back to sleep, but then she had a long nap and so did I.

#MyNansHouseIsUsuallyQuiteHotSoIThinkBIsQuiteUsedToTheHeatNow

And as a result she likes her room to be quite warm. Downstairs is always hot, but upstairs isn’t.

#IWonderHowSheWillDealWithBeingOnHolidayInAMuchCoolerHouse

It’ll be fine. I’ll be more relaxed then hopefully as Tiago will be off and it’ll be lovely to spend some more time together as a family and with family.

#IWouldRatherJustBeHavingANapRightNowButIFeelBadIfIDoNotDoThisProject

Story of the last year of my life.

#IDoDebateHavingSomeTimeOffMyWorkButTheFeelingPassesAndIGetOnWithItAllAgain

Last week I was ready to stop posting on social media for a while and just keep making this project but with shortened hashtags. It’s part of the fun of being an artist right?

#ITookBToSoftPlayTheOtherDayAndItWasNotAsGreatAsIHopedItWouldBe

Le sigh. I was really hoping it would be the place that would save me from myself.

#TheYoungKidsSectionWasABitSadAndPeopleGraduallyStoppedWearingTheirMasksWhichPissedMeOff

Well maybe it wasn’t that sad, but for someone B’s age it was sad – the cooler stuff was too old for B.

When you go in someone says wear masks at all times unless you are sat down eating. I saw a guy with a mask not covering his nose walking around and then later he wasn’t even wearing it. I was sat in the young kids’ area close to a woman (it’s a small area) not wearing a mask and coughing.

#IThinkABigPartOfItIsDownToWhoIsThereAtTheSameTimeAsYou

People who put up with wearing a mask and those who don’t?

#EveryoneElseSeemedToBeThereWithSomeoneElseAndINeedToStopBeingAwkwardAboutTalkingToPeople

Basically I wanted to talk to people, but no one needed to talk to me. That’s fair enough.

#ITookBOnTheSlideACoupleOfTimesThoughIThinkIFoundItMoreFunThanHer

I saw other adults climbing up (I don’t know the rules of soft play alright) so I took her on that a few times. She was more interested in holding onto the netting at the side though.

#IWillProbablyEndUpTakingHerThereAgainSoonJustAsThereIsNotMuchElseAroundHereToDo

I’ll give it another go and see how it is.

(12th July: We’re still yet to go again. I’ve been put off it.)

#IAmHopingToTryOutANewPlaygroupWithHer

It’s when my Mum usually visits, but it might be where I meet some likeminded local people so I need to give it a go. We do know a few people now, but generally everyone is back at work and only has Friday off, and then they have plans with other people as they have lives and know other people.

#DueToThePandemicYouHaveToPrebookEverythingWhichIsNotGreatForSpontaneousPlans

I debated not booking the playgroup until the day, but I know that there will probably be no spaces on the day.

#SomeGoodNewsIsThatTiagosPassportHasArrivedSoThatIsOneLessThingToWorryAbout

Hurrah. It said 10 weeks, but I think it’s been 4? Not sure but it was definitely quick. B’s came a lot quicker than they said it would. I guess it’s so you don’t leave your application until the last minute.

Am I jealous of everyone on the news in Portugal already? Yes.

#ICutHisHairForTheThirdTimeTheOtherDayAndNowHisPassportPictureLooksNothingLikeHim

I think it was an alright cut.

#HeShavedTooAndNowHeJustLooksLikeBsOlderBrother

He commented on how young he looked first.

#IAmTryingToGetBackIntoExercisingThoughIGenerallyDoSpeedUpMyStretchingVideos

I am so lazy these days.

#ToBeFairIHaveDoneThemAllSoManyTimesThatIDoNotNeedToHearTheLongExplanations

I should have done this before. I had loads of YouTube comedy videos lined up but I knew I had to go to bed soon so I started to watch them faster. I’ve had to skip through RuPaul as there is no option on iPlayer to play them faster (shame – the feature is great on Netflix) as I need to go to bed, but I want to see what happens.

(12th July: I now use a plugin called ‘Video Speed Controller’. It’s great, and I can speed things up faster than Netflix allows.)

#IAmSoOverFeedingBNowThatITurnHerPorridgeIntoPancakes

A random ending but yes. I made her some porridge bars the other day, but they only feed her for two days and the porridge is healthier (it has butternut squash in it). I just add some flour (I used buckwheat the other day) and fry them. I made her a batch today, so I’ll do the porridge pancakes again for the next 4 days. To be fair they come more like porridge pancake blobs, but that’s fine.

(12th July: We no longer add the flour. We just fry the mix.)

Time to do a shoot and then get B up, if she doesn’t wake up before I finish.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Portrait Of A Mother Of An Eleven Month Old (15th May 2021)

A headshot with me looking at the camera, with my hair up and wearing a black and white striped top with a slight neck.
Portrait Of A Mother Of An Eleven Month Old (15th May 2021)
 
#ICanNotBelieveThatBIsNearlyAYearOld
#WhatAWeirdYearItHasBeen
#ITookThisPhotoAsSoonAsIGotOutOfBed
#IProbablyShouldHaveTakenItHalfAnHourEarlierButIWasWaitingForTiagoToGetBUpAsSheWasMakingNoise
#AndTiagoWasWaitingForMeToGetHerUpAsHeHadWokenUpAt4
#IShouldHaveJustGotUpAndDoneTheShootThenGotHerUpButSheIsWithTiagoNowWhileIDoSomeWork
#YesterdayTiagoTookHerToTheSupermarketByHimselfForTheFirstTime
#IUsuallyJoinToGetOltOfTheHouseWithHerButItMadeSenseForThemToGoAlone
#ItWasAlsoTheFirstTimeThatTheyHadBeenAloneInTheCarWhichIsWeirdAsSheIs11MonthsOld
#TiagoSaidHeEnjoyedPushingHerAroundAndTalkingToHer
#IThinkABigMistakeWeMadeWasNotGettingAPushchairWhereSheCanFaceUsButOhWell
#IAmRecoveringAlrightAfterHavingAToothOut
#IHaveBeenSuperTiredButMaybeItIsDownToNotExercisingSoMuch
#IHaveNotReallyExercisedInAFewWeeksAndMyOutdoorClassHasOnlyHappenedOnceDueToBadWeather
#PortugalHasBeenOnTheNewsALotWhenTalkingAboutSummerHolidays
#WhatHappensHappensAndWeWillJustHaveToSee
#IsItWeirdThatBIsNearlyAYearOldAndIStillFindItWeirdThatIHaveAKidAtTimes
#YesterdayIFellDownAnInternetHoleAndWasReadingAThreadAboutPeopleRegrettingTheyHadKids
#IDoNotRegretThatWeHadBAndThoughIFindItWeirdThatIAmAMotherICanNotImagineMyLifeWithoutHerNow
#ItWasMainlyPeopleSayingHowTiredTheyAreAndIGetIt
#WeWouldLikeToHaveAnotherChildAtSomePointButIDoWorryAboutHavingLessTimeForMyOwnStuff
#TheFurtherThatBGetsAwayFromTheSuperDependentBabyPhaseTheLessIWantToGoBackThere
#NowSheIsFeedingHerselfQuiteWellWhenWeGiveHerFoodWhereItIsDoable
#AndSheSitsAndAmusesHerselfMoreWhichIsNiceThoughIFeelBadIfSheDoesItForTooLong
#ButItGoodToBeAbleToMakeHerFoodWhileSheJustPlaysAndCrawlsAbout
#IWorryThatIAmABadEnoughMotherOfOneLetAloneAddingAnotherChildIntoTheMix
#IGuessWeWillJustSeeWhatHappensAndIfItHappensThenThingsWillNeedToChange
#InACoupleOfDaysMoreThingsWillReopenSoItWillBeGoodToExploreSomeDifferentPlaces
#IThinkTheWeatherIsMeantToBeQuiteRubbishForTheRestOfTheMonth
#IDefinitelyNeedToGetBetterAtEntertainingBIndoorsAtHome

#ICanNotBelieveThatBIsNearlyAYearOld

It probably has felt like a lot more than 11 months at times. It’s weird thinking back to how different she was 11 months ago…

#WhatAWeirdYearItHasBeen

I know I say it a lot, but I do wonder how things would be now if there hadn’t been a pandemic but there is no point thinking about it too much. It’s just been a very odd year.

#ITookThisPhotoAsSoonAsIGotOutOfBed

I was going for a ‘I’m very tired’ vibe.

#IProbablyShouldHaveTakenItHalfAnHourEarlierButIWasWaitingForTiagoToGetBUpAsSheWasMakingNoise

There was a lot of us looking at the clock then putting our heads back down.

#AndTiagoWasWaitingForMeToGetHerUpAsHeHadWokenUpAt4

He usually gets her up and I was going to offer, but I wanted to do this shoot and I had got in into my head that I was going to do it today – so I did not want to wait for tomorrow.

#IShouldHaveJustGotUpAndDoneTheShootThenGotHerUpButSheIsWithTiagoNowWhileIDoSomeWork

This would have made sense, but it’s 7:45am and I’ve done my hashtags and I’m doing this blog. I want to get it done so I can tackle the rest of my to do list. I seem to work best in the morning as I know Tiago will not want to do work now, and I keep working until I start to faff.

#YesterdayTiagoTookHerToTheSupermarketByHimselfForTheFirstTime

It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it seemed like it (for me anyways).

#IUsuallyJoinToGetOutOfTheHouseWithHerButItMadeSenseForThemToGoAlone

I think supermarkets still don’t like more people going than necessary, and it made it different for Tiago.

#ItWasAlsoTheFirstTimeThatTheyHadBeenAloneInTheCarWhichIsWeirdAsSheIs11MonthsOld

I felt bad not being there to amuse B – we need to get one of those mirrors so B and T can see each other easily. I was more worried that she would fall asleep on the way home and then not go to bed easily. She keeps waking up half an hour after she’s gone to bed. Not sure what that is about.

#TiagoSaidHeEnjoyedPushingHerAroundAndTalkingToHer

I think the supermarket is good stimulation for B too with all the things to look at.

#IThinkABigMistakeWeMadeWasNotGettingAPushchairWhereSheCanFaceUsButOhWell

I think she is used to looking out when I push her around but it is hard to talk to her like that. That’s what you get for not being able to try out pushchairs during a pandemic…

#IAmRecoveringAlrightAfterHavingAToothOut

I can’t help but mess with the gap a lot. It feels massive.

#IHaveBeenSuperTiredButMaybeItIsDownToNotExercisingSoMuch

It is probably from a combination of many things – mothering Monday to Friday, trying to get lots of other stuff done when I can, recovering from having a tooth out and not exercising enough.

#IHaveNotReallyExercisedInAFewWeeksAndMyOutdoorClassHasOnlyHappenedOnceDueToBadWeather

My enthusiasm for the class is gone, so I don’t think I’ll be going back. I will stretch after I finish this post though – I can feel my back starting to ache.

#PortugalHasBeenOnTheNewsALotWhenTalkingAboutSummerHolidays

I think from Monday the doors will be open to Brits, but it can change and change again a million times before we go.

#WhatHappensHappensAndWeWillJustHaveToSee

Tiago says there is no point stressing about it. We’ll just have to prepare as best as we can and see what happens.

#IsItWeirdThatBIsNearlyAYearOldAndIStillFindItWeirdThatIHaveAKidAtTimes

It’s getting less weird, but it is bizarre.

#YesterdayIFellDownAnInternetHoleAndWasReadingAThreadAboutPeopleRegrettingTheyHadKids

Great. I haven’t been on Reddit in ages, and I won’t be going there again as I should have napped but instead I got sucked in to that thread and one about ruined weddings, and people who quit their jobs on the first day. Super productive stuff I know.

#IDoNotRegretThatWeHadBAndThoughIFindItWeirdThatIAmAMotherICanNotImagineMyLifeWithoutHerNow

It is weird thinking of life before her.

(5th July 2021: I said the same thing to Tiago yesterday.)

#ItWasMainlyPeopleSayingHowTiredTheyAreAndIGetIt

It is tiring, but it is rewarding. I don’t want to wish time away, but I am looking forward to her being older too.

#WeWouldLikeToHaveAnotherChildAtSomePointButIDoWorryAboutHavingLessTimeForMyOwnStuff

I think I’d just have to accept that I may not be able to do as much for a couple of years or so. I’m sure I’d find a way to do something though.

#TheFurtherThatBGetsAwayFromTheSuperDependentBabyPhaseTheLessIWantToGoBackThere

There was a 3 week old baby at B’s class the other day and it was weird thinking that B used to be that size. It’s amazing how much they change in a year. The early early days where they sleep 5 times a day isn’t so bad, and I hope that breastfeeding would be easier but looking after two kids must be a lot more tiring.

#NowSheIsFeedingHerselfQuiteWellWhenWeGiveHerFoodWhereItIsDoable

I need to look at more meals where she can feed herself, but we have a lot of frozen meals where you need a spoon really and B isn’t getting the hang of that yet.

#AndSheSitsAndAmusesHerselfMoreWhichIsNiceThoughIFeelBadIfSheDoesItForTooLong

She is obsessed with balloons at the moment. I am reading to her more which is nice.

#ButItGoodToBeAbleToMakeHerFoodWhileSheJustPlaysAndCrawlsAbout

Once or twice a week I make muffins and I usually do them in the morning when I am tired. We are all fans of those muffins – I usually put 3 blueberries on top though.

#IWorryThatIAmABadEnoughMotherOfOneLetAloneAddingAnotherChildIntoTheMix

I am just doing my best and I guess that is all I can do.

#IGuessWeWillJustSeeWhatHappensAndIfItHappensThenThingsWillNeedToChange

Let’s see.

#InACoupleOfDaysMoreThingsWillReopenSoItWillBeGoodToExploreSomeDifferentPlaces

Indoor play places! It will be good for B, and good for me. I hope that we’ll meet some more people too.

#IThinkTheWeatherIsMeantToBeQuiteRubbishForTheRestOfTheMonth

Great.

#IDefinitelyNeedToGetBetterAtEntertainingBIndoorsAtHome

The TV is on way too much for my liking, but I do like Bluey a lot. With better weather and more things reopening we can get out more which will make me feel better and B will probably enjoy it too so let’s see.


Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!

Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Hire Us For Your Denim Advert (6th May 2021)

Me holding B. We're both wearing denim and her back is to the camera. It's quite close up and framed from my eye bags down.
Hire Us For Your Denim Advert (6th May 2021)
 
#ThisWeekIsMaternalMentalHealthAwarenessWeek
#ItFeelsSomewhatFittingAsIWasSupposedToDoAllThisYesterdayButIFeltTooCrapTo
#IHadANapWhenBHadHerFirstNapAndIFeltMuchBetterButTheRestOfTheDayWasStillASlog
#ThisProjectIsSupposedToBeAllAboutHonestyAndStuffButIFeelLikeIDoLeaveQuiteABitOut
#IThinkFromReadingMyProjectThoughItIsSomewhatClearThatIHaveBeenStruggling
#ItGoesUpAndDownAndSometimesIFeelFineAndThenIJustReallyRubbishAgain
#IHaveBeenFindingItHardToGetOutOfBedEvenIfISleepFairlyWell
#IThinkIHaveDippedAgainBecauseTheWeatherHasBeenSoCrummyAgainLately
#ItJustRainsEveryDayAndIFeelStuckInsideButMoreThingsReopenIn11DaysSoIHopeThatWillMakeABigDifference
#IFeelLikeICanNotCompletelyRelaxInTheLivingRoomAtMyNansHouseWhichIsMoreToDoWithMeThanHer
#AgainWithTheWeatherBeingRubbishItMeansOurOptionsAreLimitedWithWhereWeCanGo
#AsBHasBlackoutBlindsTapedToHerWindowIDoNotLikeToTakeHerInThereMuchAsItIsSoDark
#SoThisMorningIBroughtHerToOurBedroomWhichIHadToChildproofABitMoreForHer
#IWasWorriedThatSheWasColdAndIDidNotWantToGoDownstairsToGetHerUsualIndoorJacket
#SoIPutHerInHerDenimJacketThatSheHadNotWornBeforeAndIHadBroughtUpstairsAnHourBefore
#ThenIRememberedThatTiagoHasADenimJacketSoIThoughtIWouldWearItAndWeCouldDoAShootToPassTheTimeUntilBreakfast
#IAmNotSureWhichPictureIWillChooseYetButBWasQuiteFedUpAndIWasFeelingDownSoIfItLooksAllHappyFamilyThenThatMightNotBeTheReality
#HireUsForYourDenimAdvert
#MyMumIsHereNowSoIThinkWeWillGoHomeWithHerJustToGetAChangeOfScenery
#BWasIllAndShePassedItOntoMeAndNowAllMyTeethHurtWhichIHopeIsJustRelatedToFeelingRundown
#ItIsPainfulAndParacetamolDoesNotSeemToTouchItWhichDoesNotMakeMeFeelMuchBetter
#BeingIllWhenYouDoNotHaveAKidIsTotallyDifferentToBeingIllWithAKid
#LuckilyItWasABankHolidayWeekendSoTiagoWasAroundToHelpForAnExtraDayButICouldHaveJustDoneWithLyingInBedForAFewDaysButSillyMeFeelsGuiltyAboutSuchThingsNow
#YesterdayWeDidAVideoCallInTheKitchenAndIPutBsWalkerThereToSeeIfSheWouldUseIt
#BeforeIHadEvenStartedTheCallSheStoodUpAndStartedToPushItWhichWasAHugeSurprise
#ITriedToGetHerToShowTiagoLaterButIThinkSheWasABitTiredAndDidNotDoItSoWell
#SomeGoodNewsIsHeHadAnInterviewForHisBritishPassportAndThatWasFineSoFingersCrossedThatWillBeSortedSoon
#WeAreDefinitelyInNeedOfSomeTimeAwaySomewhereAndWeHopeWeCanSeeHisFamilyThisSummer
#IDoWonderHowIWouldHaveBeenIfIHadHadABabyInNonCovidTimesButIGuessIWouldStillBeStrugglingInSomeWay
#IAmJustPissedOffThatItHasBeenATotalPostcodeLotteryWithWhatHasBeenOpenInDifferentAreasOverTheLastFewMonthsAndWithWhatSupportYouGet

#ThisWeekIsMaternalMentalHealthAwarenessWeek

As always I will be posting this much later, so it will no longer be Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week.

#ItFeelsSomewhatFittingAsIWasSupposedToDoAllThisYesterdayButIFeltTooCrapTo

I got an email from Happity yesterday about their #shoutieselfie and I debated doing it, but yeah I felt too rubbish to. This post is somewhat negative but yesterdays would have been REALLY negative.

#IHadANapWhenBHadHerFirstNapAndIFeltMuchBetterButTheRestOfTheDayWasStillASlog

I sleep fairly well at night (though B had been awake for about an hour between 12.30 and 1.30), so I shouldn’t have needed that nap but apparently I did.

#ThisProjectIsSupposedToBeAllAboutHonestyAndStuffButIFeelLikeIDoLeaveQuiteABitOut

I’m aware of how negative and whiny it is all the time, and I feel awful about it. I know how lucky I am to have B and I do love her a lot, I am just feeling a bit stuck.

#IThinkFromReadingMyProjectThoughItIsSomewhatClearThatIHaveBeenStruggling

I feel like I don’t really need to talk about the really dark times that I sometimes have, and we do not need to see anymore photos of me crying.

#ItGoesUpAndDownAndSometimesIFeelFineAndThenIJustReallyRubbishAgain

It’s the circle of mental health.

#IHaveBeenFindingItHardToGetOutOfBedEvenIfISleepFairlyWell

Last night I went to bed earlier than normal. I probably fell asleep around 10.30pm and Tiago got up at 5.30ish, then B woke up at 6.20. Tiago had to go to work not long after, so I wasn’t in a great mood.

#IThinkIHaveDippedAgainBecauseTheWeatherHasBeenSoCrummyAgainLately

It just rains and rains. I took her to the swings briefly the other day and chatting to the Mum next to us she said we’d had all the weather today except for snow. I said it did hail the other day and two minutes later it was hailing…

#ItJustRainsEveryDayAndIFeelStuckInsideButMoreThingsReopenIn11DaysSoIHopeThatWillMakeABigDifference

The other week we were meeting up with a couple of Mums. This week we’ve just seen people in class, and it’s a new term at one of our classes next week and our friends are off to nursery so it’s time to make new friends. Great.

#IFeelLikeICanNotCompletelyRelaxInTheLivingRoomAtMyNansHouseWhichIsMoreToDoWithMeThanHer

We’re very grateful to my Nan for letting us live with her, but it is hard at times, and like I’ve said that’s more to do with me. This morning I was just not in the mood to chat as it was pre-7am and if I was my Nan I would have still been asleep in bed. I’ve said before that I do not like sitting in front of the TV all day. I can not remember the last time that I sat in the living room after B has gone to bed – I just like to have some time to myself.

(14th June: I feel so awkward about saying all that, but it was how I felt. I’m just not a morning person at all – she says after getting up at 5.40 this morning. We look at moving out from time to time, but there isn’t much on the renting market nearby. At the moment the weather is good, so we go out more and we open the window in her room (see two hashtags below) and play in there.)

#AgainWithTheWeatherBeingRubbishItMeansOurOptionsAreLimitedWithWhereWeCanGo

Again, as soon as the weather is better and places reopen we will be out more which will solve this ‘problem’.

#AsBHasBlackoutBlindsTapedToHerWindowIDoNotLikeToTakeHerInThereMuchAsItIsSoDark

It’s not the nicest place to sit in the day, though yesterday I did take her to her room early before a nap and just read books with her which was nice.

#SoThisMorningIBroughtHerToOurBedroomWhichIHadToChildproofABitMoreForHer

I had stopped bringing her in here to play as she just goes for all the cables and it stresses me out. I miss our big living/dining room in Liverpool where there would not have been many hazards for her.

#IWasWorriedThatSheWasColdAndIDidNotWantToGoDownstairsToGetHerUsualIndoorJacket

Logistics. Laziness.

#SoIPutHerInHerDenimJacketThatSheHadNotWornBeforeAndIHadBroughtUpstairsAnHourBefore

My Mum got it for her and it’s a little big. I was trying to tidy up a bit downstairs and so brought it up here.

#ThenIRememberedThatTiagoHasADenimJacketSoIThoughtIWouldWearItAndWeCouldDoAShootToPassTheTimeUntilBreakfast

This made me feel better as I did not know what I would do for the shoot, so it felt good to get the shoot out of the way, pass some time with B and get some photos together.

#IAmNotSureWhichPictureIWillChooseYetButBWasQuiteFedUpAndIWasFeelingDownSoIfItLooksAllHappyFamilyThenThatMightNotBeTheReality

I sang ‘Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall eating yellow bananas…’ a fair few times to cheer her up. She just wanted to smash my laptop as per usual; she took a few pictures of me accidentally.

#HireUsForYourDenimAdvert

I actually thought I looked alright in the denim jacket so maybe I will start wearing it.

#MyMumIsHereNowSoIThinkWeWillGoHomeWithHerJustToGetAChangeOfScenery

Tiago is at work so he can pick us up afterwards. I don’t know why we haven’t gone home with my Mum before… I will have to get her to try to have a nap in her pushchair and I hope it doesn’t pour on us while I take her out for one.

(14th June: I couldn’t be bothered to pack up B’s stuff in the end, so we didn’t go.)

#BWasIllAndShePassedItOntoMeAndNowAllMyTeethHurtWhichIHopeIsJustRelatedToFeelingRundown

Great. Tiago was ill for about half a day.

#ItIsPainfulAndParacetamolDoesNotSeemToTouchItWhichDoesNotMakeMeFeelMuchBetter

Whine whine whine. It does hurt though.

#BeingIllWhenYouDoNotHaveAKidIsTotallyDifferentToBeingIllWithAKid

Tell me about it.

#LuckilyItWasABankHolidayWeekendSoTiagoWasAroundToHelpForAnExtraDayButICouldHaveJustDoneWithLyingInBedForAFewDaysButSillyMeFeelsGuiltyAboutSuchThingsNow

Tiago told me to have a lie down. I did. I felt better. I made some mac and cheese for us all (B loves it), and then I felt knackered again and needed a lie down. Pre-baby I did used to get exhaustion at least once a year and I’d just spend a weekend in bed, but it’s difficult now.

#YesterdayWeDidAVideoCallInTheKitchenAndIPutBsWalkerThereToSeeIfSheWouldUseIt #BeforeIHadEvenStartedTheCallSheStoodUpAndStartedToPushItWhichWasAHugeSurprise

She did not even think about it. She just got up and went until she ploughed into the cupboard.

#ITriedToGetHerToShowTiagoLaterButIThinkSheWasABitTiredAndDidNotDoItSoWell

She had just woken up from a nap, so her legs were probably not warmed up yet.

#SomeGoodNewsIsHeHadAnInterviewForHisBritishPassportAndThatWasFineSoFingersCrossedThatWillBeSortedSoon

It was good that he did not have to venture anywhere for it – though in Liverpool we lived really close to the passport office.

#WeAreDefinitelyInNeedOfSomeTimeAwaySomewhereAndWeHopeWeCanSeeHisFamilyThisSummer

Fingers crossed. He is hopefully finding out today how long he is allowed to go away for if the world doesn’t go back to full doomed mode.

#IDoWonderHowIWouldHaveBeenIfIHadHadABabyInNonCovidTimesButIGuessIWouldStillBeStrugglingInSomeWay

I just wouldn’t realise I lucky I was…

#IAmJustPissedOffThatItHasBeenATotalPostcodeLotteryWithWhatHasBeenOpenInDifferentAreasOverTheLastFewMonthsAndWithWhatSupportYouGet

This has all obviously done me some good as I feel less pissed off than when I wrote this 30+ minutes ago. But it has been a total postcode lottery and I am jealous that friends in other areas have had a lot more things to go to. Oh well, as we keep saying to ourselves ‘things can only get better’.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B’s New Cheeky Grin, Though She Does Not Have A Mouth Full Of Bad Teeth (24th March 2021)

Me with a big grin, trying to imitate B.
Imitating B’s New Cheeky Grin, Though She Does Not Have A Mouth Full Of Bad Teeth (24th March 2021)
 
#TheOtherDayINoticedThatBHadANewCheekyGrin
#IMadeAVideoOfItAndShowedItToHerThenSheWasGrinningBackAtHerself
#ThinkingAboutItSheHasNotReallyDoneItSinceThenButSheDoesSeemToDoNewThingsAndForgetAboutThemForABit
#MyMumSaysSheIsImitatingMeWhenIDoItButIAmNotAwareOfMyselfDoingIt
#WeAreJustConstantlyOnBWatchNowAsSheSeemsToBumpHerHeadAMillionTimesADay
#LuckilyBabiesSeemQuiteResilientWhichIsGoodAsOtherwiseIDoNotThinkAnyoneWouldMakeItToAdulthood
#HerToothIsStillYetToBreakThroughAndSheLikesToWakeUpAtAround11pmInPain
#LastNightTAndIWereBothSoTiredThatWeHopedItWasJustARandomWakeUp
#OfCourseIWasJustStartingToDriftOffWhenSheWokeUp
#EventuallyTiagoWentAndGaveHerSomeTeethingGelWhichSeemedToWork
#IShouldHaveJustGotUpSoonerAndDoneItAndNowIFeelQuiteGuilty
#NowIAmActuallyLookingForwardToTheClocksChangingAsIHopeWeCanGetBBackToWakingUpAt7
#OftenWhenISeePicturesOfOtherPeopleBreastfeedingIFeelBadThatOurBreastfeedingJourneyEndedEarlierThanIPlanned
#ButBReallyDidNotWantToDoItSoItMadeSenseToStop
#WeCompletedOurCensusTheOtherDayAndItWasQuiteExcitingToPutBOnThere
#HopefullyIn100YearsTimeWeWillHaveRelativesWhoAreInterestedInUs
#AndTheyWillBeAbleToFindUsLivingWithNan
#IAmDefinitelyGladThatWeMoved
#IThinkIWouldBeStrugglingALotIfWeStillLivedInLiverpoolAsWeWouldNotHaveSoMuchSupport
#IWouldNotBeAbleToHaveTheJobThatIAmDoingAtTheMomentOrAtLeastNotBeAbleToDoItInTheSameWay
#ItHasBeenNiceToGoOutThoughMyLegsFeelABitLikeJellyAfterWalkingSoMuchYesterday
#ItIsGoodThatBIsUsedToMyMumAsSheDoesNotSeemToMindWhenIGoOut
#ItIsEarlyDaysSoThatMightChangeButSheIsQuiteHappyClingingToMyMumDuringABadTeethingMoment
#IHopeItDoesNotRainMuchOnFutureWorkDaysAsThatWillMakeItNotSoGreat
#IFeelPositiveWithGettingOutMoreThoughAndNextWeekWeShouldBeAbleToSitInOtherPeoplesGardens
#AndSoonBabyClassesWillReopenAgainWhichIAmGreatlyLookingForwardTo
#FriendsInDifferentAreasHaveAlreadyBeenGoingToGroupsAndHaveBeenAbleToHangOut
#IWantBToHaveSomeFriendsThatSheCanCrawlAroundWithAndDoThingsThatSheHasBeenMissingOutOn
#LuckilySheDoesNotKnowSheIsMissingOutButHopefullySheWillNotHaveToMissOutAgainThoughIAmNotThatOptimisticAboutItAll
#IAmGladIHaveTheDentistSoonAsOneOfMyTeethIsStartingToPlayUp

(18th April 2021: I debated changing the title today, but there needs to be some comment in it about B not having so many teeth, and my teeth are bad so I guess it’s accurate. I do feel a bit awkward about it, but I guess that’s why my solo show last year was called Always Awkward.

#TheOtherDayINoticedThatBHadANewCheekyGrin

It made me cry a bit as I thought it was so sweet.

#IMadeAVideoOfItAndShowedItToHerThenSheWasGrinningBackAtHerself

Adorable.

#ThinkingAboutItSheHasNotReallyDoneItSinceThenButSheDoesSeemToDoNewThingsAndForgetAboutThemForABit

Yeah this happens a lot. I showed her the video again earlier, but she didn’t do it.

#MyMumSaysSheIsImitatingMeWhenIDoItButIAmNotAwareOfMyselfDoingIt

I guess it’s hard when you can’t see yourself all of the time – not that I’d want to anyways.

#WeAreJustConstantlyOnBWatchNowAsSheSeemsToBumpHerHeadAMillionTimesADay

She currently has two little red marks on her head at the moment. One is from her bumping her head on her box of eggs and the other one could be from a million other incidents.

#LuckilyBabiesSeemQuiteResilientWhichIsGoodAsOtherwiseIDoNotThinkAnyoneWouldMakeItToAdulthood

I probably should look at a baby first aid course. It has been on my list of things to do – I need to get on it.

#HerToothIsStillYetToBreakThroughAndSheLikesToWakeUpAtAround11pmInPain

🙁 I knew I was never going to look forward to the teething phase. Why can’t it just hurry up and appear. We still have lots of other teeth to deal with…

#LastNightTAndIWereBothSoTiredThatWeHopedItWasJustARandomWakeUp

‘She might just go back to sleep soon.’ She did settle for a bit, then as we were falling back to sleep she started again.

#OfCourseIWasJustStartingToDriftOffWhenSheWokeUp

T was already asleep. I need to start reading books again as otherwise my brain doesn’t switch off well…

#EventuallyTiagoWentAndGaveHerSomeTeethingGelWhichSeemedToWork

We hadn’t been using it much before, but it’s our new best friend.

#IShouldHaveJustGotUpSoonerAndDoneItAndNowIFeelQuiteGuilty

Bad parent. We live and learn…

#NowIAmActuallyLookingForwardToTheClocksChangingAsIHopeWeCanGetBBackToWakingUpAt7

Doubt it, but I hope so. Her naps still seem to be a bit here and there too.

#OftenWhenISeePicturesOfOtherPeopleBreastfeedingIFeelBadThatOurBreastfeedingJourneyEndedEarlierThanIPlanned

A random jump, but it’s on my notes to jog my memory about what I might want to talk about.

#ButBReallyDidNotWantToDoItSoItMadeSenseToStop

I probably upset people with my breastfeeding pictures, as they might not have been able to breastfeed or their journey ended earlier than they thought it might too.

I definitely think people should keep sharing their photos, but it just reminds me that I am sad about it all.

#WeCompletedOurCensusTheOtherDayAndItWasQuiteExcitingToPutBOnThere #HopefullyIn100YearsTimeWeWillHaveRelativesWhoAreInterestedInUs #AndTheyWillBeAbleToFindUsLivingWithNan

I do think about things like our family tree a bit. Will our line continue? Maybe, maybe not. Hopefully some distant relative will be interested in us though.

#IAmDefinitelyGladThatWeMoved

I do miss Liverpool but the winter would have been tough.

#IThinkIWouldBeStrugglingALotIfWeStillLivedInLiverpoolAsWeWouldNotHaveSoMuchSupport

Obviously there are people out there who have been through this pandemic with so little support. We would have just got on with it, but I think we would have probably ending up moving somewhere – even just the other side of Liverpool. We didn’t live near any parks, which was a big thing that I felt we were missing.

#IWouldNotBeAbleToHaveTheJobThatIAmDoingAtTheMomentOrAtLeastNotBeAbleToDoItInTheSameWay

At the moment I am spreading out my hours over multiple days so my Mum or Tiago can look after her. She would have either had to go to nursery which would have cancelled out what I was earning or Tiago would have had to look after her all weekend.

#ItHasBeenNiceToGoOutThoughMyLegsFeelABitLikeJellyAfterWalkingSoMuchYesterday

My shoulders are also a bit sore, so I have been trying to roll them out a lot.

#ItIsGoodThatBIsUsedToMyMumAsSheDoesNotSeemToMindWhenIGoOut #ItIsEarlyDaysSoThatMightChangeButSheIsQuiteHappyClingingToMyMumDuringABadTeethingMoment

If she was upset I’m sure she’d get over it soon but I’d feel guilty, though it’s good for us to let me go and do my own thing for a bit.

#IHopeItDoesNotRainMuchOnFutureWorkDaysAsThatWillMakeItNotSoGreat

It has just finished raining. I’m not supposed to talk about my job on social media, so this is why I am quite vague.

#IFeelPositiveWithGettingOutMoreThoughAndNextWeekWeShouldBeAbleToSitInOtherPeoplesGardens

I thought the 29th March was a Sunday, but nope it’s a Monday.

Will people probably be sat in gardens this weekend anyways? Probably.

#AndSoonBabyClassesWillReopenAgainWhichIAmGreatlyLookingForwardTo

Hurrah.

#FriendsInDifferentAreasHaveAlreadyBeenGoingToGroupsAndHaveBeenAbleToHangOut

A know one friend goes to an outdoors group and other friends go to a playgroup. I still don’t know when a playgroup will open near us. Am I jealous? Yes. Am I dealing with it? Yes. I have a big distraction with work now, and by the time I finish that job hopefully lots more things will be open.

#IWantBToHaveSomeFriendsThatSheCanCrawlAroundWithAndDoThingsThatSheHasBeenMissingOutOn

We’ve bumped into a Mum and her kids a couple of times this week, so it’s been nice for B to see a baby her own age.

#LuckilySheDoesNotKnowSheIsMissingOutButHopefullySheWillNotHaveToMissOutAgainThoughIAmNotThatOptimisticAboutItAll

It sounds like things are getting bad again. Hopefully we can be smarter as a country about things this time. The other day we realised that we might not be able to see Tiago’s family this summer. We don’t fancy throwing money down the drain as the logistics are complicated, so we’ll just have to wait and see.

#IAmGladIHaveTheDentistSoonAsOneOfMyTeethIsStartingToPlayUp

A random end, but yes this tooth is playing me up so I’m glad I can get it looked at soon.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

First Trip On A Train In A Year (16th March 2021)

(11th April – Yeah the photo is boring, but it felt like a big moment.)

First Time On A Train In A Year (16th March 2021)

#TodayINeededToGoToBirminghamCityCentreToShowThatIAmActuallyWhoISayIAmForATemporaryJob
#IBelieveThatIHadNotBeenOnATrainSince16thMarch2020ButThatSeemsABitTooMuchOfACoincidenceToBeTrue
#IHadNotBeenToBirminghamNewStreetStationSinceJanuary2020AndIHadNotWalkedAroundBrumSinceSometimeIn2019
#IGotToMyLocalStationSuperEarlyAsIGuessIAmUsedToAimingToLeaveEarlierThanUsualWhenIActuallyNeedToBeSomewhereWithB
#HoweverTodayIWasByMyselfAndItWasOdd
#BWasNotInAGoodMoodBeforeILeftButLuckilySheKnowsMyMumWellSoWasHappyClingingToHer
#TheTicketMachineSeemedToBeOutOfOrderSoIHadToGoToTheTicketCounter
#WhenIWasAboutToPayHeOpenedUpHisHatchAndForSomeReasonIThoughtIHadToGiveHimMyCard
#HePointedToTheCardMachineWhichIHadAlreadyNoticedBeforeAndIFeltABitEmbarrassed
#ThePriceSeemedLowerThanIThoughtItWouldBeSoIMadeSureThatHeDidNotGiveMeAChildTicket
#ThinkingAboutItAfterwardsItDidSoundLikeTheRightPriceButIPaidTheSameInLiverpoolForOneStopAndAFewMinutesTrainRide
#ISatOnABenchAndWatchedAFastTrainGoPastWhichFreakedMeOutABit
#MyCarriageWasEmptyButIStillManagedToGetTerriblePhotosOfMyExperience
#ThisRemindsMeOfWhenITookPhotosOfMeInASupermarketAsIHadNotBeenInOneFor6Months
#WellWhenIGotOffTheTrainTodayIWentIntoASupermarketAndGotMyselfAMealDeal
#ThenISatInVictoriaSquareAndRememberedHowAwkwardItIsToEatInPublic
#SomeYoungWomenWereShoutingKillTheBillAndIAdmiredTheirEnergy
#IWasAlreadyFeelingTiredAsIStayedUpTooLateLastNightSkippingThroughAllTheEpisodesOfTheCelebrityCircle
#ThatFeelsDumbToSayAfterTalkingAboutPeopleProtestingButItIsTheTruth
#MyMeetingWentFineAndIHaveLotsOfStuffToGetOnWithNow
#IRanForAnEarlierTrainHomeAsICouldNotBeBotheredToSitOnThePlatformForAgesAndThereWasNowhereElseToGo
#ItFeltSoOddRunningThroughTheCityCentreAndTrainStation
#IThoughtIWouldGetToldOffOrSomethingThoughIDoNotKnowWhy
#IWoreAMaskForTheLongestAmountOfTimeTodaySinceTheFirstLockdownStartedWhichSeemsABitLate
#ISawLotsOfDucksOnTheWayHomeFromTheStationAndItMadeMeMissBAsUsuallyIPointThemOutToHer
#GotHomeAndMyMumAskedIfIHadRanHome
#MaybeILookedRedOrPerhapsIWasEarlierThanSheExpected
#SheSaidThatAtLunchBHadBeenTryingToChewToastButWasCryingOutAsSheTriedToDoSo
#LaterOnIFeltABitOfASharpToothStartingToStickOutOfHerBottomGum
#TodayIWasTheFurthestAwayThatIHaveEverBeenAwayFromHerAndThoughItWasNiceToBeByMyselfForABitIWouldHaveRatherBeenWithHer

Got to keep this short. Got to keep this brief. Too much stuff to do and I probably shouldn’t have prioritised this. Whoops.

#TodayINeededToGoToBirminghamCityCentreToShowThatIAmActuallyWhoISayIAmForATemporaryJob

Makes sense. I could be totally catfishing an employer…

#IBelieveThatIHadNotBeenOnATrainSince16thMarch2020ButThatSeemsABitTooMuchOfACoincidenceToBeTrue

It seems weird that it may have actually been an exact year. 16th March 2020 was a Monday and I’m pretty sure I was not feeling too great that day, so I said I’d next go into the office (where I did some part-time work) maybe a few days later but by the time I got home I found out that pregnant women were classed as high risk.

#IHadNotBeenToBirminghamNewStreetStationSinceJanuary2020AndIHadNotWalkedAroundBrumSinceSometimeIn2019

In January 2020 I just passed through to change trains to go to my Nan’s. Not sure when the last time I actually walked around Brum city was…

#IGotToMyLocalStationSuperEarlyAsIGuessIAmUsedToAimingToLeaveEarlierThanUsualWhenIActuallyNeedToBeSomewhereWithB

I’ve walked past it with B before on the way to baby classes in December. With B I’m usually a bit slower as I have to push her, and sometimes it is more of a leisurely pace.

#HoweverTodayIWasByMyselfAndItWasOdd

I’ve been looking forward to this trip for a while let’s face it, but it felt so odd to be by myself.

#BWasNotInAGoodMoodBeforeILeftButLuckilySheKnowsMyMumWellSoWasHappyClingingToHer

I thought she must be teething badly again. I felt bad leaving her, but I needed to go.

#TheTicketMachineSeemedToBeOutOfOrderSoIHadToGoToTheTicketCounter

I was working myself up to touch the darn machine and it was out of order. I used a lot of hand sanitiser today.

#WhenIWasAboutToPayHeOpenedUpHisHatchAndForSomeReasonIThoughtIHadToGiveHimMyCard #HePointedToTheCardMachineWhichIHadAlreadyNoticedBeforeAndIFeltABitEmbarrassed

Lol. Awkward. I was going to go say something, but I couldn’t be bothered.

#ThePriceSeemedLowerThanIThoughtItWouldBeSoIMadeSureThatHeDidNotGiveMeAChildTicket

So he thought I was more odd.

#ThinkingAboutItAfterwardsItDidSoundLikeTheRightPriceButIPaidTheSameInLiverpoolForOneStopAndAFewMinutesTrainRide

I rarely pay for anything face to face these days, and yeah I temporarily forgot how much a train ticket costs.

#ISatOnABenchAndWatchedAFastTrainGoPastWhichFreakedMeOutABit

It seemed so… fast.

#MyCarriageWasEmptyButIStillManagedToGetTerriblePhotosOfMyExperience

I even took along a tripod for my phone, but felt awkward with the CCTV camera at the end of the carriage.

#ThisRemindsMeOfWhenITookPhotosOfMeInASupermarketAsIHadNotBeenInOneFor6Months

Yeah those photos were fairly bad. This project has evolved a bit, but as I have been making work throughout the pandemic I thought I should still talk about some of this stuff.

#WellWhenIGotOffTheTrainTodayIWentIntoASupermarketAndGotMyselfAMealDeal

Yes, speaking of supermarkets. It is sad that I do miss them so much. Tiago usually does our food shopping and due to rules we don’t go with him.

I was thinking what food I could get, but I felt overwhelmed by choice. I regretted my veggie wrap decision, but I enjoyed prawn cocktail crisps.

(This is top quality boring stuff for sure.)

#ThenISatInVictoriaSquareAndRememberedHowAwkwardItIsToEatInPublic

I thought about a time when I spent ages choosing somewhere to eat a sandwich before an improv class when I lived in London. In the end I chose an area that seemed quite quiet, and as I went to take a big bite I looked up and saw a male photographer taking a photo of me.

It then reminded me of a time in France when a guy was trying to get a picture of me applying suncream, and he was so close up that it was probably a bust shot. I kept turning around whenever he picked his camera up and I said no. He was getting annoyed with me, but I said no. Then he walked off and tried to take a picture of me from further away. Some things I missed from my memories post.

(11th April: I’ve also been thinking lately about the horrible male orthodontist that I had when I was a teenager. He used to accuse me of not wearing my retainer and would tighten it SUPER tight. For the record I always wore the darn thing (especially as I did not want him to tighten it so much), and now I’m older I think that he might have just been abusing his position of power to cause unnecessary pain. Maybe he didn’t and my teeth were (and still are) genuinely rubbish, but I do wonder about it.)

#SomeYoungWomenWereShoutingKillTheBillAndIAdmiredTheirEnergy

It felt like an alternate universe of sorts for me.

#IWasAlreadyFeelingTiredAsIStayedUpTooLateLastNightSkippingThroughAllTheEpisodesOfTheCelebrityCircle

I didn’t realise they were only going to be online for another 14 hours, so I just had to skim through them for the good bits. The channel 4 app needs to have 1.5x button like Netflix.

#ThatFeelsDumbToSayAfterTalkingAboutPeopleProtestingButItIsTheTruth

I should have gone to bed earlier. I’m feeling it now.

#MyMeetingWentFineAndIHaveLotsOfStuffToGetOnWithNow

But I’m writing this and I’m not keeping it brief like I said.

#IRanForAnEarlierTrainHomeAsICouldNotBeBotheredToSitOnThePlatformForAgesAndThereWasNowhereElseToGo

I would have loved to go to a museum or gallery, but no they’re not open until mid-May?!

#ItFeltSoOddRunningThroughTheCityCentreAndTrainStation #IThoughtIWouldGetToldOffOrSomethingThoughIDoNotKnowWhy

I don’t know why it felt so wrong. I kept away from people. I guess I just felt weird running in a mask.

#IWoreAMaskForTheLongestAmountOfTimeTodaySinceTheFirstLockdownStartedWhichSeemsABitLate

I didn’t even bother taking it off after my meeting until I left my local station.

#ISawLotsOfDucksOnTheWayHomeFromTheStationAndItMadeMeMissBAsUsuallyIPointThemOutToHer

I took terrible photos of them instead and showed her them when I got home.

#GotHomeAndMyMumAskedIfIHadRanHome #MaybeILookedRedOrPerhapsIWasEarlierThanSheExpected

I was earlier than I had said. I walked fast from the station too.

#SheSaidThatAtLunchBHadBeenTryingToChewToastButWasCryingOutAsSheTriedToDoSo

🙁

#LaterOnIFeltABitOfASharpToothStartingToStickOutOfHerBottomGum

It really didn’t feel nice. Will we have a tooth tomorrow? Will B sleep well? I hope it’s a yes to both, though I’m not looking forward to brushing her tooth.

#TodayIWasTheFurthestAwayThatIHaveEverBeenAwayFromHerAndThoughItWasNiceToBeByMyselfForABitIWouldHaveRatherBeenWithHer

Cheesy but true. It just seemed so odd being away from her. I passed women with babies and it felt odd to smile at them without B.

Time to do some work…


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Where Is Mummy? (16th February 2021)

Where Is Mummy? (16th February 2021)
 
#IAlwaysWriteMumButMummyLooksABitWeird
#IAmNotADeadPersonInAMuseumThoughIMaySometimesLookLikeIt
#LastNightIWentToSleepAtNineThirtyAfterReadingForABit
#ThenIWasAwakeBetweenFourAndFiveThirtyishAsBWasMakingNoisesAndICouldNotFallBackAsleep
#ThenItWas7AndIDidNotWantToGetOutOfBedAsIFeltSoTired
#IHadPlannedToDoSomeCraftsOrWritingOrAnythingLastNightButIJustCouldNotBeBothered
#TypicallyISpendAllDayLookingForwardToAGoodAmountOfMeTimeButThenItArrivesAndIAmJustKnackered
#IStartedAFundingApplicationTheOtherNightButItJustSeemedSoPointlessAndItWouldHaveBeenVeryRushed
#IFeelLikeINeedToPrioritiseMyMeTimeAtTheMomentForThingsThatHaveInstantaneousResultsOrMakeMeMoney
#IWantToStartWorkingOnANewProjectButIAmNotSureWhat
#ItFeelsEasyToKeepAddingToThisSeriesAndIDoNotHaveToThinkAboutItMuch
#AnywaysWeWentOnAGroupWalkWithOtherMumsAndMomsYesterday
#TypicallyEveryoneElseKnewEachOtherThoughIDoFeelLikeTheyDidTryToIncludeMe
#ButAllOfTheirBabiesAre8WeeksOldAndWereAsleepTheWholeTime
#BWasAwakeAndBeingQuitePatientReallyConsideringSheWasJustStuckInHerPushchair
#SheCanCrawlForwardALittleNowButThenHasToStopBeforeTryingAgain
#ItFeltGoodToBeOutAndAboutInGoodWeatherAndTalkToOtherPeople
#ButItWasNotAnyFunForBSoIMightJustTryAndGoOnceInAWhile
#MaybeItWouldNotBeSoBadIfThePushchairActuallyFacedMeAsICouldTalkToHerMore
#IDoWishWeHadGotOneThatCouldFaceBothWaysButItIsABitLateNow
#IAlsoFeltAwkwardMovingAboutWithABunchOfPeopleAsIFeltLikePeopleWereJudgingUsAndGettingAnnoyed
#ItIsClassedAsASupportGroupSoWeAreNotBreakingTheLawButIAmAwkwardEnoughJustBeingOutWithB
#WeAreDebatingSendingBToNurseryOneDayAWeek
#IFeelQuiteTornAboutItAsIAmNotMakingEnoughMoneyAtTheMomentToJustifyItAndIFeelGuiltyThatSheWouldBeInNurseryWhileIAmJustFaffingAboutAtHome
#IFeelLikeItLooksLikeIDoNotWantToSpendTimeWithHer
#ILoveHerALotButIAmJustTiredAndMaybeSheWouldHaveMoreFunSpendingADayWithOtherKids
#ThenICanUseMyFreeTimeToFigureOutWhatIWantToDoWithMyLifeAndProbablySpendALotOfMyTimeMissingBAndFeelingGuilty
#ThenWhenWeAreReunitedIWillHopefullyHaveMoreEnthusiasmAfterHavingSomeMoreMeTime
#IDoWorryThatIWillJustWasteMyFreeTimeThoughTiagoSaysItIsFineIfIJustSpendTheFirstTimeSleeping
#ThinkingAboutItSendingHerToNurseryIncreasesOurRiskOfHavingToSelfIsolateAndThatWouldBeNoFun

#IAlwaysWriteMumButMummyLooksABitWeird #IAmNotADeadPersonInAMuseumThoughIMaySometimesLookLikeIt

Hello tiredness my old friend.

The title and image reference our many games of peekaboo.

#LastNightIWentToSleepAtNineThirtyAfterReadingForABit

Continuing on the dead theme – I’m reading Dead Famous by Greg Jenner.

#ThenIWasAwakeBetweenFourAndFiveThirtyishAsBWasMakingNoisesAndICouldNotFallBackAsleep

It was warm last night and I was not sure what setting/timing to have B’s heater on. I thought it was on a higher setting than it was and so had turned some ‘sessions’ off. I think she was slightly too cold. We went in a couple of times – once as I thought she was trapped at the bottom of her cot with not much space, and the other time to change her nappy.

Exciting stuff.

#ThenItWas7AndIDidNotWantToGetOutOfBedAsIFeltSoTired

Tiago is good at getting her up. I did have a little nap, then stretched but I need to just get up really.

#IHadPlannedToDoSomeCraftsOrWritingOrAnythingLastNightButIJustCouldNotBeBothered

I even thought about playing video games, which I have not done since before B was born. In the end I thought it was not very productive and that I would probably load it then turn it off after 5 minutes anyways.

#TypicallyISpendAllDayLookingForwardToAGoodAmountOfMeTimeButThenItArrivesAndIAmJustKnackered

I think I also just feel a bit overwhelmed with choosing what to do if there is not obvious stuff that needs to be done – like editing or any work related stuff. I did think about doing some digital drawing. Nope. I thought about painting. Nope. I looked for part time jobs briefly. I did a tiny bit of writing and then I felt shattered.

#IStartedAFundingApplicationTheOtherNightButItJustSeemedSoPointlessAndItWouldHaveBeenVeryRushed

The deadline was sooner than I thought. I thought I had a good idea and I kept talking myself in and out of doing the application. Well I finally started it and then realised that there was no chance that I was going to get the funding. Next time!

#IFeelLikeINeedToPrioritiseMyMeTimeAtTheMomentForThingsThatHaveInstantaneousResultsOrMakeMeMoney

Obviously funding would give me money, but spending 5+ hours (realistically it would need to be a lot longer) on an application where I probably wouldn’t get the money does not feel like a good use of my time. I will try to apply next time though and I can hopefully just chip away at it a bit at a time.

Making dance videos and adding to this project feel like ‘instantaneous results’, as I am actively adding to things that I share.

#IWantToStartWorkingOnANewProjectButIAmNotSureWhat

I feel like I am trying things out within this project, but I need a good solid idea.

#ItFeelsEasyToKeepAddingToThisSeriesAndIDoNotHaveToThinkAboutItMuch

I know that if I make work for this series then it always gets added to the project. I need to just experiment more (which I feel like I did with my last shoot) and ideas will come.

I need to find a commission or something so I do not have to worry about doing odd jobs right now. Easier said than done. Someone is probably reading this and shouting ‘that’s why you apply for funding!’ Yeah I know but it’s also easier said than done…

I’m enjoying editing some websites at the moment and I have put some things that I learned on my coding course into practice which is great!

I’d like to do a creative writing course or something next.

#AnywaysWeWentOnAGroupWalkWithOtherMumsAndMomsYesterday

We being B and I.

#TypicallyEveryoneElseKnewEachOtherThoughIDoFeelLikeTheyDidTryToIncludeMe

They’d all met on a parenting course.

#ButAllOfTheirBabiesAre8WeeksOldAndWereAsleepTheWholeTime

So B is 6 months+ older and it’s a whole different world of parenting. It was nice to talk to them though.

#BWasAwakeAndBeingQuitePatientReallyConsideringSheWasJustStuckInHerPushchair

She was getting a bit screamy at one point and I thought about taking her home, but we were so far from home that I thought we might as well keep walking and then head off once we got to a point that was closer to home. Home home home.

#SheCanCrawlForwardALittleNowButThenHasToStopBeforeTryingAgain

Yesterday she seemed pretty tired, so it wasn’t too bad that she was just sat in the pushchair. The day before she had moved a lot so she probably did just need to rest a bit.

#ItFeltGoodToBeOutAndAboutInGoodWeatherAndTalkToOtherPeople

Really nice. Forget all the things I’ve said about not wanting to meet local people. It is just frustrating though.

#ButItWasNotAnyFunForBSoIMightJustTryAndGoOnceInAWhile

It’s also frustrating. I’d love to go every week, but it’s not fair on B. There is one during B’s naptime, so maybe I should go to that one instead but then I’ll lose my hour+ of free time in the morning. It’s alright if I have nothing on, but if I have to work then it’s annoying.

#MaybeItWouldNotBeSoBadIfThePushchairActuallyFacedMeAsICouldTalkToHerMore #IDoWishWeHadGotOneThatCouldFaceBothWaysButItIsABitLateNow

It hasn’t been too bad as usually we don’t go too far. Yesterday was the furthest we’ve gone from home since before Xmas…

#IAlsoFeltAwkwardMovingAboutWithABunchOfPeopleAsIFeltLikePeopleWereJudgingUsAndGettingAnnoyed #ItIsClassedAsASupportGroupSoWeAreNotBreakingTheLawButIAmAwkwardEnoughJustBeingOutWithB

It’s half term so the area was busier than usual. We were walking in twos, but the paths are narrow (I walked on the grass a lot).

Basically we can’t win. Be miserable at home, or be awkward out and about.

#WeAreDebatingSendingBToNurseryOneDayAWeek #IFeelQuiteTornAboutItAsIAmNotMakingEnoughMoneyAtTheMomentToJustifyIt#AndIFeelGuiltyThatSheWouldBeInNurseryWhileIAmJustFaffingAboutAtHome

If more things were open I think it would not be so bad. Classes/play groups/activities would be cheaper than nursery and pass the day nicely. I guess things will have to reopen soon, but can my sanity wait until then?

#IFeelLikeItLooksLikeIDoNotWantToSpendTimeWithHer #ILoveHerALotButIAmJustTiredAndMaybeSheWouldHaveMoreFunSpendingADayWithOtherKids

It’s very full on. I make it harder for myself by getting stressed out about anything and everything – is she eating okay, is she being entertained, is she getting enough stimulation? This week our usual baby classes aren’t on, and we tend to do YouTube classes using the TV, but my Nan does not like them. Fun times.

#ThenICanUseMyFreeTimeToFigureOutWhatIWantToDoWithMyLifeAndProbablySpendALotOfMyTimeMissingBAndFeelingGuilty

I am feeling a bit lost.

#ThenWhenWeAreReunitedIWillHopefullyHaveMoreEnthusiasmAfterHavingSomeMoreMeTime

I hope so.

#IDoWorryThatIWillJustWasteMyFreeTimeThoughTiagoSaysItIsFineIfIJustSpendTheFirstTimeSleeping

I am used to having to work quite fast, so having a whole day to do stuff just seems incomprehensible. I’d have to make a plan and be quite strict with myself as otherwise I’d feel really guilty. Factoring in relaxing time is fine, but I’d need to get stuff done.

I just imagine leaving B there and her crying her eyes out. She’d get over it after a bit and it’d be better for the whole family perhaps. I remember going to nursery/playgroup and absolutely loving it but I was a bit older.

If playgroups reopened soon that would be really good… B would have fun and I could have a chat. That seems like a dream at the moment though.

Simple things.

#ThinkingAboutItSendingHerToNurseryIncreasesOurRiskOfHavingToSelfIsolateAndThatWouldBeNoFun

I reedited my hashtags to fit this in. As much as I’d love more me/free time, it seems a bit risky to send her to nursery when we don’t really need to. If someone tests positive, we have to self-isolate which means no walks, we can’t just go to the supermarket when we need something, and my Mum can’t visit.

It’s an annoying situation, but a lot of people have a lot more problems so I just need to get over it.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)
 
#IAmNotAMorningPersonAndMotherhoodIsTryingDesperatelyToTurnMeIntoOne
#BKeepsWakingUpALotAtNightAtTheMoment
#IThinkItIsBecauseOfTeethingButWeTryToSettleHerForAbout30MinutesBeforeWeResortToFeedingHer
#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier
#AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning
#YesterdayIGotACallFromThePostNatalSupportServiceThatMyHealthVisitorReferredMeTo
#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea
#IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4
#WellNowEnglandHasAnotherLockdownAgain
#IDoubtWeWillHaveABabyClassInPersonAnytimeSoonButIThinkItIsForTheBest
#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine
#TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon
#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe
#IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers
#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB
#TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt
#SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe
#SheSaidINeedToStopBeingSoHardOnMyselfAndToStopOverthinkingSoMuch
#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay
#IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse
#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup
#IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats
#WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell
#IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow
#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn
#EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll
#HavingASmallHumanHasJustPutANewLightOnALotOfThingsThatIWantToFixAboutMyself
#FromTheCallIFeelLikeIAmDoingALotOfThingsRightButIJustNeedToPracticeSomeMoreSelfCareAndSelfLove
#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne
#ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

#IAmNotAMorningPersonAndMotherhoodIsTryingDesperatelyToTurnMeIntoOne

I have not done a shoot yet, but I imagine myself looking tired as hell.

(I don’t look too bad actually, but I had been up for a few hours…)

#BKeepsWakingUpALotAtNightAtTheMoment

We need to start the sleep training that we have been on about for ages.

#IThinkItIsBecauseOfTeethingButWeTryToSettleHerForAbout30MinutesBeforeWeResortToFeedingHer

It is really hard to know what to do – maybe she is just hungry? She is eating quite a bit at meals at the moment, but maybe it’s not enough?

(Spoiler for future blog posts: We finally started it – hello night 9 tonight – and it’s been great to sleep. B hasn’t had a night feed since we started. Why did we not do it before? I also do not mind the mornings so much if I have slept well. Hurrah!)

#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier #AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning

Though last night I did put my book down at 10.45pm. I started reading quite late as my brain could not relax.

I’m currently reading Bridget Jones’s Diary as I have never read it before, and it is an easy read.

#YesterdayIGotACallFromThePostNatalSupportServiceThatMyHealthVisitorReferredMeTo

I just remembered that someone is calling me soon again – at the time when B is due to wake up.

#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea #IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4

I was feeling good so I didn’t think that she needed to check on me anyways.

#WellNowEnglandHasAnotherLockdownAgain

Things change fast.

#IDoubtWeWillHaveABabyClassInPersonAnytimeSoonButIThinkItIsForTheBest

Though they are supposed to be allowed to happen as they are support groups, but a lot of the venues are waiting for more clarification.

#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine #TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon

I felt like Nan was going out too much before as she was so bored. Now she is a bit scared, which is sad but I am glad that she seems less keen to go out now – especially as she will hopefully have the vaccine soon.

#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe #IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers

I have lost count of how many of these questionnaires I have done over the years.

#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB #TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt #SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe

I definitely have a lot of guilt these days. Even this morning I felt bad as when I was with B my brain was just thinking in hashtags…

#SheSaidINeedToStopBeingSoHardOnMyselfAndToStopOverthinkingSoMuch

I am an overthinker for sure.

#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay #IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse

I have been saying lately that I am so negative. I ran out of hashtags before I could name two positive things, but I know that we are lucky. Tiago still has a job, we are living in a nice, warm house and B does seem healthy.

#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup #IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats #WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell #IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow

I won’t be talking about the group much in future, except for probably saying how awkward I feel. No I won’t – I’ll be being positive!

It’s a confidential group so yeah what happens in the group stays in the group.

#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn #EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll

I remember going to CBT while doing my Neblina project and the guy said I had low self-esteem. I felt like a fraud with all of my work that I do and I was quite annoyed about it. However, he was right and I still need to work on it a lot.

#HavingASmallHumanHasJustPutANewLightOnALotOfThingsThatIWantToFixAboutMyself

Happy Mum, happy baby.

#FromTheCallIFeelLikeIAmDoingALotOfThingsRightButIJustNeedToPracticeSomeMoreSelfCareAndSelfLove

What happened to the mother of the one month old doing face masks? I need to find her again.

I wish I could have bottled the hormones I had a week after B was born. I felt so high and confident – I could have taken on the world. I really miss that version of me. I feel like that was the real me deep down under the layers of stress, guilt and shame.

#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne #ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

Luckily I didn’t break the law yesterday as I did not feel up to two walks.

Let’s see how long this goes on for… the lockdown that is.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Tiago’s Second Home Haircut (26th December 2020)

Tiago’s Second Home Haircut (26th December 2020)
 
#IAmWritingThisAt6ThirtyInTheMorningAsBHasAlreadyBeenUpForAboutAnHour
#SheHasBeenWakingUpACoupleOfTimesInTheNightButSleepingQuiteWellInGeneral
#SoLastNightWeStayedUpLateWatchingPearlHarbourWhichIHadRecordedACoupleOfWeeksAgo
#TheNightBeforeWeHadStayedUpNotAsLateWatchingADocumentaryAboutTheBeeGees
#IThinkTonightItWillBeAnEarlyNightForUsThoughWeWillProbablyNapWhenSheHasHerFirstNap
#TiagoHasFourDaysOffForXmasSoIHaveBeenHavingALittleMoreOfABreak
#IFeelGuiltyAboutItThough
#YesterdayIFeltLikeICouldHaveStayedInBedForAWeekAsISuddenlyFeltSoDown
#TheCodingCourseSeemsALotHarderAndIAmHavingALotLessFeelingSmartMoments
#YesIDidDoABitOfCodingAndGeneralWorkOnChristmasDay
#ItIsStillAboutAnotherWeekUntilMyPhoneCallAssessmentWithTheServiceThatMyHealthVisitorSuggested
#IAmFindingItHardToSeeSocialMediaPostsAboutPeopleAndTheirBabies
#IThinkItIsBecauseItAllLooksSoEasyForEveryoneElseThoughIKnowThatEveryoneOnlyUsuallyTriesToShowTheirBestSelvesOnSocialMedia
#AfterGoingToTheHairdressersIRealisedThatTheCystOnMyHeadIsQuiteVisibleNow
#WellItIsMoreTheBaldPatchThatSurroundsIt
#IHaveProbablyHadItForAtLeastAYearAndAHalfButItHasGotBiggerAsIMessWithItWhenIGetStressed
#AndPregnancyAndCovidAndThingsHaveBeenStressful
#IAmTalkingAboutItNowToShameMyselfIntoStopMessingWithItButIKnowThatIWillProbablyNot
#ICouldGetItRemovedButApparentlyTheyUsuallyGrowBack
#IJustSearchEnginedCystOnHeadAndIFeelABitBetterAboutItAllAsThereAreSomeHugeOnesOutThere
#AnywaysWeReallyNeedToMoveBOutOfTheBassinetOnHerCotAndIntoTheBottomBit
#ItIsRidiculousHowMuchSheHasGrownIn6Months
#IGuessWeAreStallingBecauseItWillBeALotMoreAnnoyingToGetHerOutOfItAndWeWillNotBeAbleToRockHerAsEasily
#YesterdayWeMadeHerSomeNiceMealsButSheDidNotSeemThatIntoThem
#WhichIsProbablyWhySheWokeUpSoEarlyTodayAsWhenSheEatsWellSheSeemsToSleepBetter
#IThinkIHaveFinallyGivenUpWithBreastfeedingNowAsSheHasHadAFewDaysOfNotWantingToBreastfeedSoIGaveUpAFewDaysAgo
#IThinkIFindItDifficultSeeingSoManyPostsAndReferencesAboutBreastfeedingAsIFeelABitGuiltyAboutItThoughItWasUltimatelyBsChoice
#ButAlsoIFeelBadThatThingsIHavePostedInThePastMightHaveMadeOthersFeelBadAboutThemselvesForWhateverReason
#TheShootWasMeantToBeAFamilyPortaitSessionButTiagoAskedMeToCutHisHairAgainSoIThoughtIShouldDocumentIt
#IThoughtIHadDoneABetterJobThanLastTimeButNowIAmNotSoSureAndIMightNeedToNeatenItUpMoreLater

#IAmWritingThisAt6ThirtyInTheMorningAsBHasAlreadyBeenUpForAboutAnHour

I can hear B giggling at T from here. I’m also listening to Sparrow Sleeps – which are lullaby versions of songs that I liked when I was a teen. I’ve been listening to Relient K, but now I see they have albums of Say Anything and Alkaline Trio… It’s quite nice to write to as I don’t get so distracted by the lyrics though I am kind of singing along anyways.

(I wrote this on 26th December and I’d already forgot about Sparrow Sleeps, so thanks to me for the reminder!)

#SheHasBeenWakingUpACoupleOfTimesInTheNightButSleepingQuiteWellInGeneral #SoLastNightWeStayedUpLateWatchingPearlHarbourWhichIHadRecordedACoupleOfWeeksAgo #TheNightBeforeWeHadStayedUpNotAsLateWatchingADocumentaryAboutTheBeeGees

We thought that we were cursing things by staying up late two nights ago, but as she slept fairly well we just ended up watching the whole of Pearl Harbour. I thought I would turn it off at 11pm, but there seemed like no point as we were so close to the end.

#IThinkTonightItWillBeAnEarlyNightForUsThoughWeWillProbablyNapWhenSheHasHerFirstNap

Well, Tiago says when I am finished that he will probably have a nap.

#TiagoHasFourDaysOffForXmasSoIHaveBeenHavingALittleMoreOfABreak #IFeelGuiltyAboutItThough

Tiago says I can’t win as I feel bad for wanting more time for myself, but when I do I feel guilty about it and don’t really enjoy it.

T fed B all her meals yesterday (though dinner didn’t go well so I gave it a go). I tried to just read my book (The Sanest Guy In The Room by Don Black), but I kept getting distracted by my Nan and life. I usually read e-books now, but this is a physical book that my Mum got me for my birthday.

#YesterdayIFeltLikeICouldHaveStayedInBedForAWeekAsISuddenlyFeltSoDown

Though the feeling passed a bit after 20ish minutes in bed, when I felt guilty for being there.

#TheCodingCourseSeemsALotHarderAndIAmHavingALotLessFeelingSmartMoments

It sucks feeling dumb, but I am halfway through it now so I just need to get on and finish it.

#YesIDidDoABitOfCodingAndGeneralWorkOnChristmasDay

To be fair I think I always do work a bit on Xmas, and now it makes more sense than ever as Tiago is off and I work when I have the chance.

A couple of photos from my Neblina series were taken on Xmas day.

#ItIsStillAboutAnotherWeekUntilMyPhoneCallAssessmentWithTheServiceThatMyHealthVisitorSuggested

I felt like I didn’t need to speak to them anymore, but my mood does go up and down a lot. I know they won’t be able to help with some things (they won’t be able to give me time off – though like I’ve said before I don’t want time away from B), but maybe it might help me to try to change myself for the better.

#IAmFindingItHardToSeeSocialMediaPostsAboutPeopleAndTheirBabies #IThinkItIsBecauseItAllLooksSoEasyForEveryoneElseThoughIKnowThatEveryoneOnlyUsuallyTriesToShowTheirBestSelvesOnSocialMedia

It’s so stupid that it gets to me. I know that most of social media is fake and most people don’t show their true feelings etc. I am happy for other people, but it says a lot more about me than it does about them.

#AfterGoingToTheHairdressersIRealisedThatTheCystOnMyHeadIsQuiteVisibleNow

Talking about my cyst is just making me think of RuPaul’s Drag Race…

#WellItIsMoreTheBaldPatchThatSurroundsIt #IHaveProbablyHadItForAtLeastAYearAndAHalfButItHasGotBiggerAsIMessWithItWhenIGetStressed #AndPregnancyAndCovidAndThingsHaveBeenStressful #IAmTalkingAboutItNowToShameMyselfIntoStopMessingWithItButIKnowThatIWillProbablyNot #ICouldGetItRemovedButApparentlyTheyUsuallyGrowBack

I’m also currently reading a book about periods (Period by Emma Barnett) and it says something about talking about them being quite off limits for a lot of people. Well, I’ve now talked about periods and cysts in my project so…

#IJustSearchEnginedCystOnHeadAndIFeelABitBetterAboutItAllAsThereAreSomeHugeOnesOutThere

Another fun thing about getting older.

#AnywaysWeReallyNeedToMoveBOutOfTheBassinetOnHerCotAndIntoTheBottomBit #ItIsRidiculousHowMuchSheHasGrownIn6Months #IGuessWeAreStallingBecauseItWillBeALotMoreAnnoyingToGetHerOutOfItAndWeWillNotBeAbleToRockHerAsEasily

It is unbelievable how much babies grow in the first six months though. I remember my friend sending us a 6 month onesie for B and thinking nah she is never going to be that big in 6 months time. Well, she is…

#YesterdayWeMadeHerSomeNiceMealsButSheDidNotSeemThatIntoThem

Carrot porridge (she eats that up every day, butternut squash with almond butter and cinnamon (she ate that all up the day before), and aubergine with red pepper and cous cous (she barely ate any).

#WhichIsProbablyWhySheWokeUpSoEarlyTodayAsWhenSheEatsWellSheSeemsToSleepBetter

We give her a lot of water with meals and between if she doesn’t have milk. We give her a milk feed in the morning and in the evening, but after her terrible dinner we gave her milk to make sure she had enough. I think she was just teething really badly and food was irritating her. Possibly?

#IThinkIHaveFinallyGivenUpWithBreastfeedingNowAsSheHasHadAFewDaysOfNotWantingToBreastfeedSoIGaveUpAFewDaysAgo #IThinkIFindItDifficultSeeingSoManyPostsAndReferencesAboutBreastfeedingAsIFeelABitGuiltyAboutItThoughItWasUltimatelyBsChoice

B didn’t want to anymore, so I shouldn’t feel bad about it though I feel like I might have jumped to formula a bit too quick before.. You never know. She wasn’t feeding well and we were moving, so it seemed like the best thing to do to make sure she was getting enough.

I feel like the whole breastfeeding journey has been very up and down. There are a lot of what ifs… but I do just need to let it go. Easier said than done.

#ButAlsoIFeelBadThatThingsIHavePostedInThePastMightHaveMadeOthersFeelBadAboutThemselvesForWhateverReason

And possible future posts. I need to talk about my need to gravitate to talk about negative things all the time; this is something I have felt about addressing for a while.

I guess I’ll save it for a future reflective post.

#TheShootWasMeantToBeAFamilyPortaitSessionButTiagoAskedMeToCutHisHairAgainSoIThoughtIShouldDocumentIt #IThoughtIHadDoneABetterJobThanLastTimeButNowIAmNotSoSureAndIMightNeedToNeatenItUpMoreLater

Well, I guess the next shoot can be a family portrait.

Tiago asked if I could cut his hair tonight, but my Mum was round so she looked after B while I did it. I did feel very nervous, but like last time I quickly got into it. It is quite therapeutic, but hopefully next time I’ll do a better job of it.

I never like how hair looks when it’s just been cut, so maybe it will look better in a few days. I do need to work out there not being such an abrupt change in length in hair between sections though.


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I Need To Just Focus On What I Have And Make The Best Of Things (8th December 2020)

Me with my head down on a table.
I Need To Just Focus On What I Have And Make The Best Of Things (8th December 2020)
 
#WellYesterdayStartedFineAndNormal
#BWokeUpEarlyButItWasManageable
#TiagoFedHerWhileIStretchedThenWePlayed
#PutHerDownForANapAfterTwoHoursAndIThoughtIWouldSleepToo
#SheSleptForAbout30MinutesAndIJustWokeUpFeelingBroken
#IFedHerSomeCauliflowerForTheFirstTimeWhichDidNotGoThatWell
#AndThenICouldNotStopCrying
#IWentToBedToCallTheNumberThatTheHealthVisitorHadGivenMe
#TheCallWasSoFrustratingAsTheLineWasNotGreatAndWeHadToKeepCallingEachOtherBack
#EventuallyTheyHadAllTheInformationWhichIProbablyCouldHaveJustFilledOutOnline
#IAmWaitingToHearBackAboutAnInitialConsultation
#TiagoBookedTheMorningOffWorkWhichMadeMeFeelBad
#ITookPicturesOfMeCryingButIDoNoWantToSharePicturesLikeThatAnymore
#ItFeelsLikeTooMuchAndLikeIAmAttentionSeeking
#SharingThisFeelsLikeIAmTooButIDoHopeThatBySharingThingsThatItMightInspireSomeoneElseToAskForHelp
#IDoNotWantTimeAwayFromBButIJustWorryThatIAmNotGivingHerEnough
#WeWentToAClassYesterdayAndItIsGoodToPassSomeTime
#ButItAlsoFeelsLikeGoingToHighSchoolAllOverAgain
#MumsUsuallyAlreadyHaveTheirLittleGroupsAndIJustFeelAwkward
#ISpokeToSomeoneAndSheSaidHeIsReallyCuteAboutB
#IFeltAwkwardCorrectingHerAndIThinkSheThenFeltAwkwardThoughIReallyDoNotMind
#SheIsUsuallyDressedInBlueSoIKindOfExpectPeopleToAutomaticallyCallHerABoy
#IUsuallySayHowOldIsYourLittleOneOrSomethingLikeThatToAvoidPossibleAwkwardness
#IThinkIAmNotTalkingToBEnough
#AtAClassTheOtherWeekINoticedThatOtherPeopleWereTalkingALotMoreToTheirBabies
#IThinkIMadeAGoodStartOnItThisMorningButItIsHardToHaveALotOfEnergyAllDayLong
#IJustNeedToKeepGoingOutAndHopefullySoonPeopleWillStartToRecogniseUsAndChatMore
#IGuessInAnIdealWorldWeWouldHaveMorePeopleToHangOutWithDuringTheWeekToHelpTheDaysGoByInAMoreFunWay
#ItWillProbablyHappenButNowIsNotTheBestTimeOfTheYearAndALotOfTheClassesAreVeryStopStart
#INeedToJustFocusOnWhatIHaveAndMakeTheBestOfThings

I’ve wrote these hashtags out so many times in my bed in the last 24 hours, and I think they could have been a lot better. Oh well. I’m writing this on 8th December.

Suddenly felt the need to listen to Shiny Happy People by R.E.M.

The song is about something darker, which is what I thought when it came into my head.

Anyways…

#WellYesterdayStartedFineAndNormal #BWokeUpEarlyButItWasManageable #TiagoFedHerWhileIStretchedThenWePlayed #PutHerDownForANapAfterTwoHoursAndIThoughtIWouldSleepToo #SheSleptForAbout30MinutesAndIJustWokeUpFeelingBroken

I was really looking forward to sleeping, but it does seem like an overreaction.

#IFedHerSomeCauliflowerForTheFirstTimeWhichDidNotGoThatWell #AndThenICouldNotStopCrying #IWentToBedToCallTheNumberThatTheHealthVisitorHadGivenMe #TheCallWasSoFrustratingAsTheLineWasNotGreatAndWeHadToKeepCallingEachOtherBack #EventuallyTheyHadAllTheInformationWhichIProbablyCouldHaveJustFilledOutOnline #IAmWaitingToHearBackAboutAnInitialConsultation

I had been thinking about calling for a few days, but the line was always closed when I felt like I should call.

#TiagoBookedTheMorningOffWorkWhichMadeMeFeelBad

I just felt awful that he felt the need to do it. It made me feel like I was really failing.

(This is not a criticism of him, it’s just how I felt.)

#ITookPicturesOfMeCryingButIDoNoWantToSharePicturesLikeThatAnymore #ItFeelsLikeTooMuchAndLikeIAmAttentionSeeking #SharingThisFeelsLikeIAmTooButIDoHopeThatBySharingThingsThatItMightInspireSomeoneElseToAskForHelp

This project is supposed to honest. It’s awkward at times, but I know I’m not the only new-ish Mum who feels like this.

#IDoNotWantTimeAwayFromBButIJustWorryThatIAmNotGivingHerEnough

I keep saying that I’d love a week off, but I do not want that time away from her. I know I will not get a week off and it will not fix everything anyways. I’ve been mothering for nearly 6 months now; I knew it would be intense but living it is completely different.

#WeWentToAClassYesterdayAndItIsGoodToPassSomeTime #ButItAlsoFeelsLikeGoingToHighSchoolAllOverAgain #MumsUsuallyAlreadyHaveTheirLittleGroupsAndIJustFeelAwkward #ISpokeToSomeoneAndSheSaidHeIsReallyCuteAboutB #IFeltAwkwardCorrectingHerAndIThinkSheThenFeltAwkwardThoughIReallyDoNotMind #SheIsUsuallyDressedInBlueSoIKindOfExpectPeopleToAutomaticallyCallHerABoy #IUsuallySayHowOldIsYourLittleOneOrSomethingLikeThatToAvoidPossibleAwkwardness

Oh classes. I love to pass the time and know that B is getting a lot of stimulation. It has brought a whole new set of concerns though – especially yesterday when she was due to have a nap when the class started. She slept to and from class and I’ve just had to let go of things. It is good for me.

But yeah, just feeling like the awkward new kid is no fun.

#IThinkIAmNotTalkingToBEnough #AtAClassTheOtherWeekINoticedThatOtherPeopleWereTalkingALotMoreToTheirBabies

Sometimes it is negative to compare yourself to other Mums, but this was something that was a positive recognition – what can I be doing better at? Often I will just daydream when playing with B and go into myself a bit too much.

#IThinkIMadeAGoodStartOnItThisMorningButItIsHardToHaveALotOfEnergyAllDayLong

I watched these videos last night, which have inspired me.

#IJustNeedToKeepGoingOutAndHopefullySoonPeopleWillStartToRecogniseUsAndChatMore #IGuessInAnIdealWorldWeWouldHaveMorePeopleToHangOutWithDuringTheWeekToHelpTheDaysGoByInAMoreFunWay

I seem to be a bit obsessed with wanting to talk to people. I don’t know if I really even want to – it just seems like a way to pass time. I just want the best for B, and for her to get enough stimulation everyday and to be happy. I’m sure she’s fine and I need to stop worrying so much.

#ItWillProbablyHappenButNowIsNotTheBestTimeOfTheYearAndALotOfTheClassesAreVeryStopStart #INeedToJustFocusOnWhatIHaveAndMakeTheBestOfThings

It’s such a weird time. Mothering is the most intense thing I have ever done in my life. It’s good that we see my Mum and she looks after B for a bit while I cook and do whatever.

Weaning is stressing me out. It’s just full on. Before all we had to do was give her milk – now I’m having to meal prep more and things. Soon it will feel normal, but at the moment it just feels like a lot.

I don’t think this was a great post. I was just trying to write hashtags and this post while B was asleep. I need to think about the photos now. I think with pictures of me crying at least it’s an easy thing to do and share, but I want to try to do something more creative/me.

(23rd December:)Well, there’s a picture of me with my head on a table. I guess it sums up how I felt, but I did do others that were less dramatic. I couldn’t decide between a few, but Tiago said he liked this one best. Sometimes when T says a photo is his favourite it makes me realise that I don’t like the picture, but in this case I went with it.


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Trying To Pack Up A Flat With A 4 Month Old Is Stressful (20th October 2020)

Me pulling on my hair
Trying To Pack Up A Flat With A 4 Month Old Is Stressful (20th October 2020)
 
#TheNewNestingSideOfMeIsSoFreakedOutByTheAbsoluteMessOfOurFlat
#JustBoxesAndStuffEverywhereAndWeStillNeedToPackALotMore
#TiagoHasHiredAVanForAFewDaysTimeAndIAmAlsoStressedOutAboutThat
#HavingToGetEverythingInItAndWorryingAboutGettingToldOffForParking
#DueToThePandemicWeCanNotHaveAnyHelp
#IDoFeelABitOverwhelmedByEverything
#IWantADayOffButICanNot
#IThinkBIsTeethingNow
#WellWeThoughtSheWasBeforeButNowIThinkSheIsEvenMoreSo
#YesterdayIReallyStruggledToGetHerToTakeHerSecondNapWhichWeUsuallyHaveFewProblemsWith
#InTheEndIJustLetHerSleepOnMe
#ThenSheDidNotTakeHerFourthNapSoWePutHerToBedEarly
#ButSheJustWouldNotSettleForSoLong
#TheLastTwoDaysIHaveNotNappedDuringHerFirstNapAsIRealiseItIsTheBestTimeToGetThingsDone
#ItIsReallyHardToKnowWhatIsNormalForABabyHerAgeWhenICanNotInteractWithManyMums
#IGuessWithGoingToBabyClassesAndChildrensCentresYouWouldHaveALotOfConversationsAndCanCompareThings
#ItIsVeryDifferentToJustTalkingToPeopleViaTechnology
#MyHairIsSoGreasyInThisShoot
#IAmTryingToWriteTheseHashtagsQuicklySoICanGoWashMyHairAsItJustFeelsSoGross
#IOnlyDidOneShootLastWeekAsIFeltLikeThereWasNotMuchToSay
#IHaveJustBeenMotheringPackingCodingAndGoingForADailyWalk
#ThoughIDoNotAlwaysManageToGetOutForAWalk
#IHaveAlsoBeenSellingSomeBitsOfFurnitureWhichAlwaysTurnsInToAMassiveJob
#YesterdayTheMentalHealthServiceCalledMe
#ItWasADelayedRoutineCheckupAsIDidAnOnlineCBTCourseForAnxietyAYearAgo
#TheySaidTheyUsuallyCallAfter6MonthsButTheyAreLateDueToThePandemic
#ISaidIHaveBeenFeelingBetterWhichIsProbablyDueToTheDistractionsOfMoving
#IStillHaveNotHeardBackFromTheDoctorsOrHealthVisitorThoughAfterMyAppointmentWhereIMentionedMyMentalHealth
#IHadALongShowerForTheFirstTimeInAgesAndFeltSoMuchBetterAfter
#INeedToStartDoingAnotherSetOfHashtagsForAfterIHaveRantedAboutStuffInTheFirstLotAndThenFeelLoadsBetter
 

Hello! I’m writing this on 20th October <and adding notes on 5th November.>

This shoot was inspired by photos I took on my birthday shoot, but didn’t choose for the final picture.

Before I did the shoot I did a yoga video for stress – it was nice, but I did still feel stressed afterwards.

I finished a 30 days video class yesterday, but I am thinking that maybe I accidentally skipped a few classes as it seems like it ended so soon? I feel stronger, but the problem is when you finish something like that it is knowing what to do next. She does have other programs that I need to try to get into (mentally) ASAP.

<I am trying to get through a new 30 day challenge, though today I did the same video as yesterday as I felt like I could have done it better. I was doing some 10 minute videos, but they really weren’t enough. This morning I also did a baby yoga class with B as the more stretching I can do the better!>

#TheNewNestingSideOfMeIsSoFreakedOutByTheAbsoluteMessOfOurFlat #JustBoxesAndStuffEverywhereAndWeStillNeedToPackALotMore

I have changed a lot from the messy child that I once was, but I think since having a baby I like mess even less.

Walking through the flat is a bit like an obstacle course at the moment. We need to be careful, especially when carrying B through it all.

At least she isn’t crawling yet – it would be a bit of a nightmare.

<It turns out that unpacking with a nearly 5 month old is stressful too, who would have thought it? I am hoping that we can finally start to unpack properly this weekend!>

#TiagoHasHiredAVanForAFewDaysTimeAndIAmAlsoStressedOutAboutThat #HavingToGetEverythingInItAndWorryingAboutGettingToldOffForParking

Tiago is chilled about it all, but I was already stressing about this as soon as we said we were moving.

#DueToThePandemicWeCanNotHaveAnyHelp

Well, we could hire a man with a van, but because of the pandemic it seems easier for Tiago just to do it. I meant more help from friends etc.

<Luckily a friend came to help in the end as otherwise it would have been impossible! Moving out day was a nightmare…>

#IDoFeelABitOverwhelmedByEverything #IWantADayOffButICanNot

When I say everything, really I mean a day off from responsibilities. I just miss the days where I had all day to do my own thing, and I got a lot done but also faffed. There is no time for faffing now.

(Though last night I did watch some orangutan videos. I’m more emotional at animal and baby videos now that I have a baby.)

Though I do not want a day away from B. I love when she smiles at me. The other day she had a little giggle fit which was really sweet.

I guess things will be different when she starts to eat solid foods and she doesn’t really need me 24/7, though I will miss the ease of breastfeeding and not having to prepare food etc.

<Now that we live with my Nan, things do seem a little less full on, but I still do feel overwhelmed at times. My main concern at the moment is that she is getting stimulated enough. We do the same things everyday and there are no in person classes by us, which I think would be good for both of us.>

#IThinkBIsTeethingNow #WellWeThoughtSheWasBeforeButNowIThinkSheIsEvenMoreSo

She is dribbling a lot, but I think she might be also going through the 4-month sleep regression which explain the sleeping side of things.

<She was definitely teething and still is 🙁 >

Yesterday she did roll over for the first time in ages by herself, so it’s possible – as sleep regressions have something to do with learning new skills.

<I have an app that says that she is currently going through a developmental leap.>

#YesterdayIReallyStruggledToGetHerToTakeHerSecondNapWhichWeUsuallyHaveFewProblemsWith #InTheEndIJustLetHerSleepOnMe

Well I am writing this during her second nap and it was difficult, but I just rocked her to sleep in the end.

I know I shouldn’t do it, but yesterday she was calm whilst I was rocking her but I stopped too early and then she wouldn’t settle again.

<Today she has had two naps so far and they were both shorter than normal, and I had to rock her to sleep for both.>

#ThenSheDidNotTakeHerFourthNapSoWePutHerToBedEarly #ButSheJustWouldNotSettleForSoLong

See comment above on sleep regression…

<She has been having a fourth nap lately, but she takes ages to settle at bedtime.>

#TheLastTwoDaysIHaveNotNappedDuringHerFirstNapAsIRealiseItIsTheBestTimeToGetThingsDone

It’s usually her longest nap of the day, in terms of how long she has to sleep and how well she usually sleeps.

I try to put her down to nap after 1 1/2 hours for her first nap, after 1 3/4 hours for her second and third, then 2 hours after fourth and fifth.

Obviously this never goes to plan, but this is what I try to do.

#ItIsReallyHardToKnowWhatIsNormalForABabyHerAgeWhenICanNotInteractWithManyMums

I find it so weird that when you have a baby you pretty much get left to it. I guess in ‘normal times’ you’d have more in person support from friends and family, so people don’t see the need to worry about you.

<It has been good to see family lately and get some reassurance about things.>

#IGuessWithGoingToBabyClassesAndChildrensCentresYouWouldHaveALotOfConversationsAndCanCompareThings #ItIsVeryDifferentToJustTalkingToPeopleViaTechnology

Basically, I feel like I can’t keep talking to people about poop over WhatsApp…

#MyHairIsSoGreasyInThisShoot #IAmTryingToWriteTheseHashtagsQuicklySoICanGoWashMyHairAsItJustFeelsSoGross

I should have washed it yesterday really, but obviously my priorities are messed up.

<I washed my hair yesterday and I was thinking that I prioritise making over work over personal hygiene. Lucky Tiago…>

#IOnlyDidOneShootLastWeekAsIFeltLikeThereWasNotMuchToSay

And I did not know what to do for the shoot. I felt like if I was to have done a shoot then the pictures would have been bad and I would have felt more crummy, so I left it.

Usually my motto is ‘if you don’t try then you don’t get’, but I just wasn’t feeling very confident.

#IHaveJustBeenMotheringPackingCodingAndGoingForADailyWalk

I am nearly done with my coding project. I just need to edit the look of it, then I am going to take the rest of the week off (and probably another week) before I start the next and final course.

<I finished it, but now I don’t know how I had time to do a coding course. I’m going to leave it until next month I think.>

Next week I need to unpack and adjust to living in Birmingham really.

<Still need to unpack…>

Once the course is done I will have a lot more time to work on my stuff in the evenings, which will be good. I do like getting stuff done in the morning though so I feel like it’s not hanging over me all day.

I haven’t been reading much lately as I’ve been trying to go to bed early instead. Though last night I did start The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry.

<I didn’t finish the book before I had to send it back for the next person. I do want to get back into reading as I miss it, but I seem to favour sleep over staying up late to read these days.>

#ThoughIDoNotAlwaysManageToGetOutForAWalk

I do plan to, but the other night we were going to go for one later on in the day but by then it seemed easier for Tiago to go by himself. This is why I aim for the mid-afternoon really, so that if it is missed we can aim for the next one and then the next one. Actually I think we did move it twice…

#IHaveAlsoBeenSellingSomeBitsOfFurnitureWhichAlwaysTurnsInToAMassiveJob

SO MUCH FAFF. We have one piece left to go, which someone is meant to be collecting tonight. Fingers crossed.

<They did collect it. Phew.>

#YesterdayTheMentalHealthServiceCalledMe #ItWasADelayedRoutineCheckupAsIDidAnOnlineCBTCourseForAnxietyAYearAgo #TheySaidTheyUsuallyCallAfter6MonthsButTheyAreLateDueToThePandemic #ISaidIHaveBeenFeelingBetterWhichIsProbablyDueToTheDistractionsOfMoving

I said I was moving and they told me to call the equivalent service in Birmingham if I need to. I’ll see how things go.

#IStillHaveNotHeardBackFromTheDoctorsOrHealthVisitorThoughAfterMyAppointmentWhereIMentionedMyMentalHealth

Maybe the doctor/nurse didn’t call the health visitor. Maybe she tried to call once and because I didn’t answer she didn’t try again. Maybe too many people need her help. Who knows?

<She called after I had moved and said that no one told her that I was feeling low.>

#IHadALongShowerForTheFirstTimeInAgesAndFeltSoMuchBetterAfter

I usually just have a bath when B does these days. Again, I need to question my priorities.

#INeedToStartDoingAnotherSetOfHashtagsForAfterIHaveRantedAboutStuffInTheFirstLotAndThenFeelLoadsBetter

I need to start ranting in a diary again so I can save all the mushy happy stuff for this project. Though the whole point of this series is to be as honest as possible, but I hate coming across as so whiney.

I actually did a baby class with B for the first time in ages between the shoot and writing this, which was really nice. I need to focus more on being the best Mum I can be, but it is difficult sometimes.

Mothering is the most intense job I’ve ever had. It is rewarding, but it is also exhausting.


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