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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B’s New Cheeky Grin, Though She Does Not Have A Mouth Full Of Bad Teeth (24th March 2021)

Me with a big grin, trying to imitate B.
Imitating B’s New Cheeky Grin, Though She Does Not Have A Mouth Full Of Bad Teeth (24th March 2021)
 
#TheOtherDayINoticedThatBHadANewCheekyGrin
#IMadeAVideoOfItAndShowedItToHerThenSheWasGrinningBackAtHerself
#ThinkingAboutItSheHasNotReallyDoneItSinceThenButSheDoesSeemToDoNewThingsAndForgetAboutThemForABit
#MyMumSaysSheIsImitatingMeWhenIDoItButIAmNotAwareOfMyselfDoingIt
#WeAreJustConstantlyOnBWatchNowAsSheSeemsToBumpHerHeadAMillionTimesADay
#LuckilyBabiesSeemQuiteResilientWhichIsGoodAsOtherwiseIDoNotThinkAnyoneWouldMakeItToAdulthood
#HerToothIsStillYetToBreakThroughAndSheLikesToWakeUpAtAround11pmInPain
#LastNightTAndIWereBothSoTiredThatWeHopedItWasJustARandomWakeUp
#OfCourseIWasJustStartingToDriftOffWhenSheWokeUp
#EventuallyTiagoWentAndGaveHerSomeTeethingGelWhichSeemedToWork
#IShouldHaveJustGotUpSoonerAndDoneItAndNowIFeelQuiteGuilty
#NowIAmActuallyLookingForwardToTheClocksChangingAsIHopeWeCanGetBBackToWakingUpAt7
#OftenWhenISeePicturesOfOtherPeopleBreastfeedingIFeelBadThatOurBreastfeedingJourneyEndedEarlierThanIPlanned
#ButBReallyDidNotWantToDoItSoItMadeSenseToStop
#WeCompletedOurCensusTheOtherDayAndItWasQuiteExcitingToPutBOnThere
#HopefullyIn100YearsTimeWeWillHaveRelativesWhoAreInterestedInUs
#AndTheyWillBeAbleToFindUsLivingWithNan
#IAmDefinitelyGladThatWeMoved
#IThinkIWouldBeStrugglingALotIfWeStillLivedInLiverpoolAsWeWouldNotHaveSoMuchSupport
#IWouldNotBeAbleToHaveTheJobThatIAmDoingAtTheMomentOrAtLeastNotBeAbleToDoItInTheSameWay
#ItHasBeenNiceToGoOutThoughMyLegsFeelABitLikeJellyAfterWalkingSoMuchYesterday
#ItIsGoodThatBIsUsedToMyMumAsSheDoesNotSeemToMindWhenIGoOut
#ItIsEarlyDaysSoThatMightChangeButSheIsQuiteHappyClingingToMyMumDuringABadTeethingMoment
#IHopeItDoesNotRainMuchOnFutureWorkDaysAsThatWillMakeItNotSoGreat
#IFeelPositiveWithGettingOutMoreThoughAndNextWeekWeShouldBeAbleToSitInOtherPeoplesGardens
#AndSoonBabyClassesWillReopenAgainWhichIAmGreatlyLookingForwardTo
#FriendsInDifferentAreasHaveAlreadyBeenGoingToGroupsAndHaveBeenAbleToHangOut
#IWantBToHaveSomeFriendsThatSheCanCrawlAroundWithAndDoThingsThatSheHasBeenMissingOutOn
#LuckilySheDoesNotKnowSheIsMissingOutButHopefullySheWillNotHaveToMissOutAgainThoughIAmNotThatOptimisticAboutItAll
#IAmGladIHaveTheDentistSoonAsOneOfMyTeethIsStartingToPlayUp

(18th April 2021: I debated changing the title today, but there needs to be some comment in it about B not having so many teeth, and my teeth are bad so I guess it’s accurate. I do feel a bit awkward about it, but I guess that’s why my solo show last year was called Always Awkward.

#TheOtherDayINoticedThatBHadANewCheekyGrin

It made me cry a bit as I thought it was so sweet.

#IMadeAVideoOfItAndShowedItToHerThenSheWasGrinningBackAtHerself

Adorable.

#ThinkingAboutItSheHasNotReallyDoneItSinceThenButSheDoesSeemToDoNewThingsAndForgetAboutThemForABit

Yeah this happens a lot. I showed her the video again earlier, but she didn’t do it.

#MyMumSaysSheIsImitatingMeWhenIDoItButIAmNotAwareOfMyselfDoingIt

I guess it’s hard when you can’t see yourself all of the time – not that I’d want to anyways.

#WeAreJustConstantlyOnBWatchNowAsSheSeemsToBumpHerHeadAMillionTimesADay

She currently has two little red marks on her head at the moment. One is from her bumping her head on her box of eggs and the other one could be from a million other incidents.

#LuckilyBabiesSeemQuiteResilientWhichIsGoodAsOtherwiseIDoNotThinkAnyoneWouldMakeItToAdulthood

I probably should look at a baby first aid course. It has been on my list of things to do – I need to get on it.

#HerToothIsStillYetToBreakThroughAndSheLikesToWakeUpAtAround11pmInPain

🙁 I knew I was never going to look forward to the teething phase. Why can’t it just hurry up and appear. We still have lots of other teeth to deal with…

#LastNightTAndIWereBothSoTiredThatWeHopedItWasJustARandomWakeUp

‘She might just go back to sleep soon.’ She did settle for a bit, then as we were falling back to sleep she started again.

#OfCourseIWasJustStartingToDriftOffWhenSheWokeUp

T was already asleep. I need to start reading books again as otherwise my brain doesn’t switch off well…

#EventuallyTiagoWentAndGaveHerSomeTeethingGelWhichSeemedToWork

We hadn’t been using it much before, but it’s our new best friend.

#IShouldHaveJustGotUpSoonerAndDoneItAndNowIFeelQuiteGuilty

Bad parent. We live and learn…

#NowIAmActuallyLookingForwardToTheClocksChangingAsIHopeWeCanGetBBackToWakingUpAt7

Doubt it, but I hope so. Her naps still seem to be a bit here and there too.

#OftenWhenISeePicturesOfOtherPeopleBreastfeedingIFeelBadThatOurBreastfeedingJourneyEndedEarlierThanIPlanned

A random jump, but it’s on my notes to jog my memory about what I might want to talk about.

#ButBReallyDidNotWantToDoItSoItMadeSenseToStop

I probably upset people with my breastfeeding pictures, as they might not have been able to breastfeed or their journey ended earlier than they thought it might too.

I definitely think people should keep sharing their photos, but it just reminds me that I am sad about it all.

#WeCompletedOurCensusTheOtherDayAndItWasQuiteExcitingToPutBOnThere #HopefullyIn100YearsTimeWeWillHaveRelativesWhoAreInterestedInUs #AndTheyWillBeAbleToFindUsLivingWithNan

I do think about things like our family tree a bit. Will our line continue? Maybe, maybe not. Hopefully some distant relative will be interested in us though.

#IAmDefinitelyGladThatWeMoved

I do miss Liverpool but the winter would have been tough.

#IThinkIWouldBeStrugglingALotIfWeStillLivedInLiverpoolAsWeWouldNotHaveSoMuchSupport

Obviously there are people out there who have been through this pandemic with so little support. We would have just got on with it, but I think we would have probably ending up moving somewhere – even just the other side of Liverpool. We didn’t live near any parks, which was a big thing that I felt we were missing.

#IWouldNotBeAbleToHaveTheJobThatIAmDoingAtTheMomentOrAtLeastNotBeAbleToDoItInTheSameWay

At the moment I am spreading out my hours over multiple days so my Mum or Tiago can look after her. She would have either had to go to nursery which would have cancelled out what I was earning or Tiago would have had to look after her all weekend.

#ItHasBeenNiceToGoOutThoughMyLegsFeelABitLikeJellyAfterWalkingSoMuchYesterday

My shoulders are also a bit sore, so I have been trying to roll them out a lot.

#ItIsGoodThatBIsUsedToMyMumAsSheDoesNotSeemToMindWhenIGoOut #ItIsEarlyDaysSoThatMightChangeButSheIsQuiteHappyClingingToMyMumDuringABadTeethingMoment

If she was upset I’m sure she’d get over it soon but I’d feel guilty, though it’s good for us to let me go and do my own thing for a bit.

#IHopeItDoesNotRainMuchOnFutureWorkDaysAsThatWillMakeItNotSoGreat

It has just finished raining. I’m not supposed to talk about my job on social media, so this is why I am quite vague.

#IFeelPositiveWithGettingOutMoreThoughAndNextWeekWeShouldBeAbleToSitInOtherPeoplesGardens

I thought the 29th March was a Sunday, but nope it’s a Monday.

Will people probably be sat in gardens this weekend anyways? Probably.

#AndSoonBabyClassesWillReopenAgainWhichIAmGreatlyLookingForwardTo

Hurrah.

#FriendsInDifferentAreasHaveAlreadyBeenGoingToGroupsAndHaveBeenAbleToHangOut

A know one friend goes to an outdoors group and other friends go to a playgroup. I still don’t know when a playgroup will open near us. Am I jealous? Yes. Am I dealing with it? Yes. I have a big distraction with work now, and by the time I finish that job hopefully lots more things will be open.

#IWantBToHaveSomeFriendsThatSheCanCrawlAroundWithAndDoThingsThatSheHasBeenMissingOutOn

We’ve bumped into a Mum and her kids a couple of times this week, so it’s been nice for B to see a baby her own age.

#LuckilySheDoesNotKnowSheIsMissingOutButHopefullySheWillNotHaveToMissOutAgainThoughIAmNotThatOptimisticAboutItAll

It sounds like things are getting bad again. Hopefully we can be smarter as a country about things this time. The other day we realised that we might not be able to see Tiago’s family this summer. We don’t fancy throwing money down the drain as the logistics are complicated, so we’ll just have to wait and see.

#IAmGladIHaveTheDentistSoonAsOneOfMyTeethIsStartingToPlayUp

A random end, but yes this tooth is playing me up so I’m glad I can get it looked at soon.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

First Trip On A Train In A Year (16th March 2021)

(11th April – Yeah the photo is boring, but it felt like a big moment.)

First Time On A Train In A Year (16th March 2021)

#TodayINeededToGoToBirminghamCityCentreToShowThatIAmActuallyWhoISayIAmForATemporaryJob
#IBelieveThatIHadNotBeenOnATrainSince16thMarch2020ButThatSeemsABitTooMuchOfACoincidenceToBeTrue
#IHadNotBeenToBirminghamNewStreetStationSinceJanuary2020AndIHadNotWalkedAroundBrumSinceSometimeIn2019
#IGotToMyLocalStationSuperEarlyAsIGuessIAmUsedToAimingToLeaveEarlierThanUsualWhenIActuallyNeedToBeSomewhereWithB
#HoweverTodayIWasByMyselfAndItWasOdd
#BWasNotInAGoodMoodBeforeILeftButLuckilySheKnowsMyMumWellSoWasHappyClingingToHer
#TheTicketMachineSeemedToBeOutOfOrderSoIHadToGoToTheTicketCounter
#WhenIWasAboutToPayHeOpenedUpHisHatchAndForSomeReasonIThoughtIHadToGiveHimMyCard
#HePointedToTheCardMachineWhichIHadAlreadyNoticedBeforeAndIFeltABitEmbarrassed
#ThePriceSeemedLowerThanIThoughtItWouldBeSoIMadeSureThatHeDidNotGiveMeAChildTicket
#ThinkingAboutItAfterwardsItDidSoundLikeTheRightPriceButIPaidTheSameInLiverpoolForOneStopAndAFewMinutesTrainRide
#ISatOnABenchAndWatchedAFastTrainGoPastWhichFreakedMeOutABit
#MyCarriageWasEmptyButIStillManagedToGetTerriblePhotosOfMyExperience
#ThisRemindsMeOfWhenITookPhotosOfMeInASupermarketAsIHadNotBeenInOneFor6Months
#WellWhenIGotOffTheTrainTodayIWentIntoASupermarketAndGotMyselfAMealDeal
#ThenISatInVictoriaSquareAndRememberedHowAwkwardItIsToEatInPublic
#SomeYoungWomenWereShoutingKillTheBillAndIAdmiredTheirEnergy
#IWasAlreadyFeelingTiredAsIStayedUpTooLateLastNightSkippingThroughAllTheEpisodesOfTheCelebrityCircle
#ThatFeelsDumbToSayAfterTalkingAboutPeopleProtestingButItIsTheTruth
#MyMeetingWentFineAndIHaveLotsOfStuffToGetOnWithNow
#IRanForAnEarlierTrainHomeAsICouldNotBeBotheredToSitOnThePlatformForAgesAndThereWasNowhereElseToGo
#ItFeltSoOddRunningThroughTheCityCentreAndTrainStation
#IThoughtIWouldGetToldOffOrSomethingThoughIDoNotKnowWhy
#IWoreAMaskForTheLongestAmountOfTimeTodaySinceTheFirstLockdownStartedWhichSeemsABitLate
#ISawLotsOfDucksOnTheWayHomeFromTheStationAndItMadeMeMissBAsUsuallyIPointThemOutToHer
#GotHomeAndMyMumAskedIfIHadRanHome
#MaybeILookedRedOrPerhapsIWasEarlierThanSheExpected
#SheSaidThatAtLunchBHadBeenTryingToChewToastButWasCryingOutAsSheTriedToDoSo
#LaterOnIFeltABitOfASharpToothStartingToStickOutOfHerBottomGum
#TodayIWasTheFurthestAwayThatIHaveEverBeenAwayFromHerAndThoughItWasNiceToBeByMyselfForABitIWouldHaveRatherBeenWithHer

Got to keep this short. Got to keep this brief. Too much stuff to do and I probably shouldn’t have prioritised this. Whoops.

#TodayINeededToGoToBirminghamCityCentreToShowThatIAmActuallyWhoISayIAmForATemporaryJob

Makes sense. I could be totally catfishing an employer…

#IBelieveThatIHadNotBeenOnATrainSince16thMarch2020ButThatSeemsABitTooMuchOfACoincidenceToBeTrue

It seems weird that it may have actually been an exact year. 16th March 2020 was a Monday and I’m pretty sure I was not feeling too great that day, so I said I’d next go into the office (where I did some part-time work) maybe a few days later but by the time I got home I found out that pregnant women were classed as high risk.

#IHadNotBeenToBirminghamNewStreetStationSinceJanuary2020AndIHadNotWalkedAroundBrumSinceSometimeIn2019

In January 2020 I just passed through to change trains to go to my Nan’s. Not sure when the last time I actually walked around Brum city was…

#IGotToMyLocalStationSuperEarlyAsIGuessIAmUsedToAimingToLeaveEarlierThanUsualWhenIActuallyNeedToBeSomewhereWithB

I’ve walked past it with B before on the way to baby classes in December. With B I’m usually a bit slower as I have to push her, and sometimes it is more of a leisurely pace.

#HoweverTodayIWasByMyselfAndItWasOdd

I’ve been looking forward to this trip for a while let’s face it, but it felt so odd to be by myself.

#BWasNotInAGoodMoodBeforeILeftButLuckilySheKnowsMyMumWellSoWasHappyClingingToHer

I thought she must be teething badly again. I felt bad leaving her, but I needed to go.

#TheTicketMachineSeemedToBeOutOfOrderSoIHadToGoToTheTicketCounter

I was working myself up to touch the darn machine and it was out of order. I used a lot of hand sanitiser today.

#WhenIWasAboutToPayHeOpenedUpHisHatchAndForSomeReasonIThoughtIHadToGiveHimMyCard #HePointedToTheCardMachineWhichIHadAlreadyNoticedBeforeAndIFeltABitEmbarrassed

Lol. Awkward. I was going to go say something, but I couldn’t be bothered.

#ThePriceSeemedLowerThanIThoughtItWouldBeSoIMadeSureThatHeDidNotGiveMeAChildTicket

So he thought I was more odd.

#ThinkingAboutItAfterwardsItDidSoundLikeTheRightPriceButIPaidTheSameInLiverpoolForOneStopAndAFewMinutesTrainRide

I rarely pay for anything face to face these days, and yeah I temporarily forgot how much a train ticket costs.

#ISatOnABenchAndWatchedAFastTrainGoPastWhichFreakedMeOutABit

It seemed so… fast.

#MyCarriageWasEmptyButIStillManagedToGetTerriblePhotosOfMyExperience

I even took along a tripod for my phone, but felt awkward with the CCTV camera at the end of the carriage.

#ThisRemindsMeOfWhenITookPhotosOfMeInASupermarketAsIHadNotBeenInOneFor6Months

Yeah those photos were fairly bad. This project has evolved a bit, but as I have been making work throughout the pandemic I thought I should still talk about some of this stuff.

#WellWhenIGotOffTheTrainTodayIWentIntoASupermarketAndGotMyselfAMealDeal

Yes, speaking of supermarkets. It is sad that I do miss them so much. Tiago usually does our food shopping and due to rules we don’t go with him.

I was thinking what food I could get, but I felt overwhelmed by choice. I regretted my veggie wrap decision, but I enjoyed prawn cocktail crisps.

(This is top quality boring stuff for sure.)

#ThenISatInVictoriaSquareAndRememberedHowAwkwardItIsToEatInPublic

I thought about a time when I spent ages choosing somewhere to eat a sandwich before an improv class when I lived in London. In the end I chose an area that seemed quite quiet, and as I went to take a big bite I looked up and saw a male photographer taking a photo of me.

It then reminded me of a time in France when a guy was trying to get a picture of me applying suncream, and he was so close up that it was probably a bust shot. I kept turning around whenever he picked his camera up and I said no. He was getting annoyed with me, but I said no. Then he walked off and tried to take a picture of me from further away. Some things I missed from my memories post.

(11th April: I’ve also been thinking lately about the horrible male orthodontist that I had when I was a teenager. He used to accuse me of not wearing my retainer and would tighten it SUPER tight. For the record I always wore the darn thing (especially as I did not want him to tighten it so much), and now I’m older I think that he might have just been abusing his position of power to cause unnecessary pain. Maybe he didn’t and my teeth were (and still are) genuinely rubbish, but I do wonder about it.)

#SomeYoungWomenWereShoutingKillTheBillAndIAdmiredTheirEnergy

It felt like an alternate universe of sorts for me.

#IWasAlreadyFeelingTiredAsIStayedUpTooLateLastNightSkippingThroughAllTheEpisodesOfTheCelebrityCircle

I didn’t realise they were only going to be online for another 14 hours, so I just had to skim through them for the good bits. The channel 4 app needs to have 1.5x button like Netflix.

#ThatFeelsDumbToSayAfterTalkingAboutPeopleProtestingButItIsTheTruth

I should have gone to bed earlier. I’m feeling it now.

#MyMeetingWentFineAndIHaveLotsOfStuffToGetOnWithNow

But I’m writing this and I’m not keeping it brief like I said.

#IRanForAnEarlierTrainHomeAsICouldNotBeBotheredToSitOnThePlatformForAgesAndThereWasNowhereElseToGo

I would have loved to go to a museum or gallery, but no they’re not open until mid-May?!

#ItFeltSoOddRunningThroughTheCityCentreAndTrainStation #IThoughtIWouldGetToldOffOrSomethingThoughIDoNotKnowWhy

I don’t know why it felt so wrong. I kept away from people. I guess I just felt weird running in a mask.

#IWoreAMaskForTheLongestAmountOfTimeTodaySinceTheFirstLockdownStartedWhichSeemsABitLate

I didn’t even bother taking it off after my meeting until I left my local station.

#ISawLotsOfDucksOnTheWayHomeFromTheStationAndItMadeMeMissBAsUsuallyIPointThemOutToHer

I took terrible photos of them instead and showed her them when I got home.

#GotHomeAndMyMumAskedIfIHadRanHome #MaybeILookedRedOrPerhapsIWasEarlierThanSheExpected

I was earlier than I had said. I walked fast from the station too.

#SheSaidThatAtLunchBHadBeenTryingToChewToastButWasCryingOutAsSheTriedToDoSo

🙁

#LaterOnIFeltABitOfASharpToothStartingToStickOutOfHerBottomGum

It really didn’t feel nice. Will we have a tooth tomorrow? Will B sleep well? I hope it’s a yes to both, though I’m not looking forward to brushing her tooth.

#TodayIWasTheFurthestAwayThatIHaveEverBeenAwayFromHerAndThoughItWasNiceToBeByMyselfForABitIWouldHaveRatherBeenWithHer

Cheesy but true. It just seemed so odd being away from her. I passed women with babies and it felt odd to smile at them without B.

Time to do some work…


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Where Is Mummy? (16th February 2021)

Where Is Mummy? (16th February 2021)
 
#IAlwaysWriteMumButMummyLooksABitWeird
#IAmNotADeadPersonInAMuseumThoughIMaySometimesLookLikeIt
#LastNightIWentToSleepAtNineThirtyAfterReadingForABit
#ThenIWasAwakeBetweenFourAndFiveThirtyishAsBWasMakingNoisesAndICouldNotFallBackAsleep
#ThenItWas7AndIDidNotWantToGetOutOfBedAsIFeltSoTired
#IHadPlannedToDoSomeCraftsOrWritingOrAnythingLastNightButIJustCouldNotBeBothered
#TypicallyISpendAllDayLookingForwardToAGoodAmountOfMeTimeButThenItArrivesAndIAmJustKnackered
#IStartedAFundingApplicationTheOtherNightButItJustSeemedSoPointlessAndItWouldHaveBeenVeryRushed
#IFeelLikeINeedToPrioritiseMyMeTimeAtTheMomentForThingsThatHaveInstantaneousResultsOrMakeMeMoney
#IWantToStartWorkingOnANewProjectButIAmNotSureWhat
#ItFeelsEasyToKeepAddingToThisSeriesAndIDoNotHaveToThinkAboutItMuch
#AnywaysWeWentOnAGroupWalkWithOtherMumsAndMomsYesterday
#TypicallyEveryoneElseKnewEachOtherThoughIDoFeelLikeTheyDidTryToIncludeMe
#ButAllOfTheirBabiesAre8WeeksOldAndWereAsleepTheWholeTime
#BWasAwakeAndBeingQuitePatientReallyConsideringSheWasJustStuckInHerPushchair
#SheCanCrawlForwardALittleNowButThenHasToStopBeforeTryingAgain
#ItFeltGoodToBeOutAndAboutInGoodWeatherAndTalkToOtherPeople
#ButItWasNotAnyFunForBSoIMightJustTryAndGoOnceInAWhile
#MaybeItWouldNotBeSoBadIfThePushchairActuallyFacedMeAsICouldTalkToHerMore
#IDoWishWeHadGotOneThatCouldFaceBothWaysButItIsABitLateNow
#IAlsoFeltAwkwardMovingAboutWithABunchOfPeopleAsIFeltLikePeopleWereJudgingUsAndGettingAnnoyed
#ItIsClassedAsASupportGroupSoWeAreNotBreakingTheLawButIAmAwkwardEnoughJustBeingOutWithB
#WeAreDebatingSendingBToNurseryOneDayAWeek
#IFeelQuiteTornAboutItAsIAmNotMakingEnoughMoneyAtTheMomentToJustifyItAndIFeelGuiltyThatSheWouldBeInNurseryWhileIAmJustFaffingAboutAtHome
#IFeelLikeItLooksLikeIDoNotWantToSpendTimeWithHer
#ILoveHerALotButIAmJustTiredAndMaybeSheWouldHaveMoreFunSpendingADayWithOtherKids
#ThenICanUseMyFreeTimeToFigureOutWhatIWantToDoWithMyLifeAndProbablySpendALotOfMyTimeMissingBAndFeelingGuilty
#ThenWhenWeAreReunitedIWillHopefullyHaveMoreEnthusiasmAfterHavingSomeMoreMeTime
#IDoWorryThatIWillJustWasteMyFreeTimeThoughTiagoSaysItIsFineIfIJustSpendTheFirstTimeSleeping
#ThinkingAboutItSendingHerToNurseryIncreasesOurRiskOfHavingToSelfIsolateAndThatWouldBeNoFun

#IAlwaysWriteMumButMummyLooksABitWeird #IAmNotADeadPersonInAMuseumThoughIMaySometimesLookLikeIt

Hello tiredness my old friend.

The title and image reference our many games of peekaboo.

#LastNightIWentToSleepAtNineThirtyAfterReadingForABit

Continuing on the dead theme – I’m reading Dead Famous by Greg Jenner.

#ThenIWasAwakeBetweenFourAndFiveThirtyishAsBWasMakingNoisesAndICouldNotFallBackAsleep

It was warm last night and I was not sure what setting/timing to have B’s heater on. I thought it was on a higher setting than it was and so had turned some ‘sessions’ off. I think she was slightly too cold. We went in a couple of times – once as I thought she was trapped at the bottom of her cot with not much space, and the other time to change her nappy.

Exciting stuff.

#ThenItWas7AndIDidNotWantToGetOutOfBedAsIFeltSoTired

Tiago is good at getting her up. I did have a little nap, then stretched but I need to just get up really.

#IHadPlannedToDoSomeCraftsOrWritingOrAnythingLastNightButIJustCouldNotBeBothered

I even thought about playing video games, which I have not done since before B was born. In the end I thought it was not very productive and that I would probably load it then turn it off after 5 minutes anyways.

#TypicallyISpendAllDayLookingForwardToAGoodAmountOfMeTimeButThenItArrivesAndIAmJustKnackered

I think I also just feel a bit overwhelmed with choosing what to do if there is not obvious stuff that needs to be done – like editing or any work related stuff. I did think about doing some digital drawing. Nope. I thought about painting. Nope. I looked for part time jobs briefly. I did a tiny bit of writing and then I felt shattered.

#IStartedAFundingApplicationTheOtherNightButItJustSeemedSoPointlessAndItWouldHaveBeenVeryRushed

The deadline was sooner than I thought. I thought I had a good idea and I kept talking myself in and out of doing the application. Well I finally started it and then realised that there was no chance that I was going to get the funding. Next time!

#IFeelLikeINeedToPrioritiseMyMeTimeAtTheMomentForThingsThatHaveInstantaneousResultsOrMakeMeMoney

Obviously funding would give me money, but spending 5+ hours (realistically it would need to be a lot longer) on an application where I probably wouldn’t get the money does not feel like a good use of my time. I will try to apply next time though and I can hopefully just chip away at it a bit at a time.

Making dance videos and adding to this project feel like ‘instantaneous results’, as I am actively adding to things that I share.

#IWantToStartWorkingOnANewProjectButIAmNotSureWhat

I feel like I am trying things out within this project, but I need a good solid idea.

#ItFeelsEasyToKeepAddingToThisSeriesAndIDoNotHaveToThinkAboutItMuch

I know that if I make work for this series then it always gets added to the project. I need to just experiment more (which I feel like I did with my last shoot) and ideas will come.

I need to find a commission or something so I do not have to worry about doing odd jobs right now. Easier said than done. Someone is probably reading this and shouting ‘that’s why you apply for funding!’ Yeah I know but it’s also easier said than done…

I’m enjoying editing some websites at the moment and I have put some things that I learned on my coding course into practice which is great!

I’d like to do a creative writing course or something next.

#AnywaysWeWentOnAGroupWalkWithOtherMumsAndMomsYesterday

We being B and I.

#TypicallyEveryoneElseKnewEachOtherThoughIDoFeelLikeTheyDidTryToIncludeMe

They’d all met on a parenting course.

#ButAllOfTheirBabiesAre8WeeksOldAndWereAsleepTheWholeTime

So B is 6 months+ older and it’s a whole different world of parenting. It was nice to talk to them though.

#BWasAwakeAndBeingQuitePatientReallyConsideringSheWasJustStuckInHerPushchair

She was getting a bit screamy at one point and I thought about taking her home, but we were so far from home that I thought we might as well keep walking and then head off once we got to a point that was closer to home. Home home home.

#SheCanCrawlForwardALittleNowButThenHasToStopBeforeTryingAgain

Yesterday she seemed pretty tired, so it wasn’t too bad that she was just sat in the pushchair. The day before she had moved a lot so she probably did just need to rest a bit.

#ItFeltGoodToBeOutAndAboutInGoodWeatherAndTalkToOtherPeople

Really nice. Forget all the things I’ve said about not wanting to meet local people. It is just frustrating though.

#ButItWasNotAnyFunForBSoIMightJustTryAndGoOnceInAWhile

It’s also frustrating. I’d love to go every week, but it’s not fair on B. There is one during B’s naptime, so maybe I should go to that one instead but then I’ll lose my hour+ of free time in the morning. It’s alright if I have nothing on, but if I have to work then it’s annoying.

#MaybeItWouldNotBeSoBadIfThePushchairActuallyFacedMeAsICouldTalkToHerMore #IDoWishWeHadGotOneThatCouldFaceBothWaysButItIsABitLateNow

It hasn’t been too bad as usually we don’t go too far. Yesterday was the furthest we’ve gone from home since before Xmas…

#IAlsoFeltAwkwardMovingAboutWithABunchOfPeopleAsIFeltLikePeopleWereJudgingUsAndGettingAnnoyed #ItIsClassedAsASupportGroupSoWeAreNotBreakingTheLawButIAmAwkwardEnoughJustBeingOutWithB

It’s half term so the area was busier than usual. We were walking in twos, but the paths are narrow (I walked on the grass a lot).

Basically we can’t win. Be miserable at home, or be awkward out and about.

#WeAreDebatingSendingBToNurseryOneDayAWeek #IFeelQuiteTornAboutItAsIAmNotMakingEnoughMoneyAtTheMomentToJustifyIt#AndIFeelGuiltyThatSheWouldBeInNurseryWhileIAmJustFaffingAboutAtHome

If more things were open I think it would not be so bad. Classes/play groups/activities would be cheaper than nursery and pass the day nicely. I guess things will have to reopen soon, but can my sanity wait until then?

#IFeelLikeItLooksLikeIDoNotWantToSpendTimeWithHer #ILoveHerALotButIAmJustTiredAndMaybeSheWouldHaveMoreFunSpendingADayWithOtherKids

It’s very full on. I make it harder for myself by getting stressed out about anything and everything – is she eating okay, is she being entertained, is she getting enough stimulation? This week our usual baby classes aren’t on, and we tend to do YouTube classes using the TV, but my Nan does not like them. Fun times.

#ThenICanUseMyFreeTimeToFigureOutWhatIWantToDoWithMyLifeAndProbablySpendALotOfMyTimeMissingBAndFeelingGuilty

I am feeling a bit lost.

#ThenWhenWeAreReunitedIWillHopefullyHaveMoreEnthusiasmAfterHavingSomeMoreMeTime

I hope so.

#IDoWorryThatIWillJustWasteMyFreeTimeThoughTiagoSaysItIsFineIfIJustSpendTheFirstTimeSleeping

I am used to having to work quite fast, so having a whole day to do stuff just seems incomprehensible. I’d have to make a plan and be quite strict with myself as otherwise I’d feel really guilty. Factoring in relaxing time is fine, but I’d need to get stuff done.

I just imagine leaving B there and her crying her eyes out. She’d get over it after a bit and it’d be better for the whole family perhaps. I remember going to nursery/playgroup and absolutely loving it but I was a bit older.

If playgroups reopened soon that would be really good… B would have fun and I could have a chat. That seems like a dream at the moment though.

Simple things.

#ThinkingAboutItSendingHerToNurseryIncreasesOurRiskOfHavingToSelfIsolateAndThatWouldBeNoFun

I reedited my hashtags to fit this in. As much as I’d love more me/free time, it seems a bit risky to send her to nursery when we don’t really need to. If someone tests positive, we have to self-isolate which means no walks, we can’t just go to the supermarket when we need something, and my Mum can’t visit.

It’s an annoying situation, but a lot of people have a lot more problems so I just need to get over it.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)
 
#IAmNotAMorningPersonAndMotherhoodIsTryingDesperatelyToTurnMeIntoOne
#BKeepsWakingUpALotAtNightAtTheMoment
#IThinkItIsBecauseOfTeethingButWeTryToSettleHerForAbout30MinutesBeforeWeResortToFeedingHer
#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier
#AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning
#YesterdayIGotACallFromThePostNatalSupportServiceThatMyHealthVisitorReferredMeTo
#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea
#IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4
#WellNowEnglandHasAnotherLockdownAgain
#IDoubtWeWillHaveABabyClassInPersonAnytimeSoonButIThinkItIsForTheBest
#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine
#TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon
#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe
#IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers
#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB
#TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt
#SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe
#SheSaidINeedToStopBeingSoHardOnMyselfAndToStopOverthinkingSoMuch
#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay
#IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse
#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup
#IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats
#WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell
#IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow
#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn
#EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll
#HavingASmallHumanHasJustPutANewLightOnALotOfThingsThatIWantToFixAboutMyself
#FromTheCallIFeelLikeIAmDoingALotOfThingsRightButIJustNeedToPracticeSomeMoreSelfCareAndSelfLove
#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne
#ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

#IAmNotAMorningPersonAndMotherhoodIsTryingDesperatelyToTurnMeIntoOne

I have not done a shoot yet, but I imagine myself looking tired as hell.

(I don’t look too bad actually, but I had been up for a few hours…)

#BKeepsWakingUpALotAtNightAtTheMoment

We need to start the sleep training that we have been on about for ages.

#IThinkItIsBecauseOfTeethingButWeTryToSettleHerForAbout30MinutesBeforeWeResortToFeedingHer

It is really hard to know what to do – maybe she is just hungry? She is eating quite a bit at meals at the moment, but maybe it’s not enough?

(Spoiler for future blog posts: We finally started it – hello night 9 tonight – and it’s been great to sleep. B hasn’t had a night feed since we started. Why did we not do it before? I also do not mind the mornings so much if I have slept well. Hurrah!)

#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier #AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning

Though last night I did put my book down at 10.45pm. I started reading quite late as my brain could not relax.

I’m currently reading Bridget Jones’s Diary as I have never read it before, and it is an easy read.

#YesterdayIGotACallFromThePostNatalSupportServiceThatMyHealthVisitorReferredMeTo

I just remembered that someone is calling me soon again – at the time when B is due to wake up.

#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea #IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4

I was feeling good so I didn’t think that she needed to check on me anyways.

#WellNowEnglandHasAnotherLockdownAgain

Things change fast.

#IDoubtWeWillHaveABabyClassInPersonAnytimeSoonButIThinkItIsForTheBest

Though they are supposed to be allowed to happen as they are support groups, but a lot of the venues are waiting for more clarification.

#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine #TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon

I felt like Nan was going out too much before as she was so bored. Now she is a bit scared, which is sad but I am glad that she seems less keen to go out now – especially as she will hopefully have the vaccine soon.

#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe #IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers

I have lost count of how many of these questionnaires I have done over the years.

#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB #TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt #SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe

I definitely have a lot of guilt these days. Even this morning I felt bad as when I was with B my brain was just thinking in hashtags…

#SheSaidINeedToStopBeingSoHardOnMyselfAndToStopOverthinkingSoMuch

I am an overthinker for sure.

#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay #IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse

I have been saying lately that I am so negative. I ran out of hashtags before I could name two positive things, but I know that we are lucky. Tiago still has a job, we are living in a nice, warm house and B does seem healthy.

#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup #IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats #WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell #IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow

I won’t be talking about the group much in future, except for probably saying how awkward I feel. No I won’t – I’ll be being positive!

It’s a confidential group so yeah what happens in the group stays in the group.

#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn #EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll

I remember going to CBT while doing my Neblina project and the guy said I had low self-esteem. I felt like a fraud with all of my work that I do and I was quite annoyed about it. However, he was right and I still need to work on it a lot.

#HavingASmallHumanHasJustPutANewLightOnALotOfThingsThatIWantToFixAboutMyself

Happy Mum, happy baby.

#FromTheCallIFeelLikeIAmDoingALotOfThingsRightButIJustNeedToPracticeSomeMoreSelfCareAndSelfLove

What happened to the mother of the one month old doing face masks? I need to find her again.

I wish I could have bottled the hormones I had a week after B was born. I felt so high and confident – I could have taken on the world. I really miss that version of me. I feel like that was the real me deep down under the layers of stress, guilt and shame.

#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne #ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

Luckily I didn’t break the law yesterday as I did not feel up to two walks.

Let’s see how long this goes on for… the lockdown that is.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Tiago’s Second Home Haircut (26th December 2020)

Tiago’s Second Home Haircut (26th December 2020)
 
#IAmWritingThisAt6ThirtyInTheMorningAsBHasAlreadyBeenUpForAboutAnHour
#SheHasBeenWakingUpACoupleOfTimesInTheNightButSleepingQuiteWellInGeneral
#SoLastNightWeStayedUpLateWatchingPearlHarbourWhichIHadRecordedACoupleOfWeeksAgo
#TheNightBeforeWeHadStayedUpNotAsLateWatchingADocumentaryAboutTheBeeGees
#IThinkTonightItWillBeAnEarlyNightForUsThoughWeWillProbablyNapWhenSheHasHerFirstNap
#TiagoHasFourDaysOffForXmasSoIHaveBeenHavingALittleMoreOfABreak
#IFeelGuiltyAboutItThough
#YesterdayIFeltLikeICouldHaveStayedInBedForAWeekAsISuddenlyFeltSoDown
#TheCodingCourseSeemsALotHarderAndIAmHavingALotLessFeelingSmartMoments
#YesIDidDoABitOfCodingAndGeneralWorkOnChristmasDay
#ItIsStillAboutAnotherWeekUntilMyPhoneCallAssessmentWithTheServiceThatMyHealthVisitorSuggested
#IAmFindingItHardToSeeSocialMediaPostsAboutPeopleAndTheirBabies
#IThinkItIsBecauseItAllLooksSoEasyForEveryoneElseThoughIKnowThatEveryoneOnlyUsuallyTriesToShowTheirBestSelvesOnSocialMedia
#AfterGoingToTheHairdressersIRealisedThatTheCystOnMyHeadIsQuiteVisibleNow
#WellItIsMoreTheBaldPatchThatSurroundsIt
#IHaveProbablyHadItForAtLeastAYearAndAHalfButItHasGotBiggerAsIMessWithItWhenIGetStressed
#AndPregnancyAndCovidAndThingsHaveBeenStressful
#IAmTalkingAboutItNowToShameMyselfIntoStopMessingWithItButIKnowThatIWillProbablyNot
#ICouldGetItRemovedButApparentlyTheyUsuallyGrowBack
#IJustSearchEnginedCystOnHeadAndIFeelABitBetterAboutItAllAsThereAreSomeHugeOnesOutThere
#AnywaysWeReallyNeedToMoveBOutOfTheBassinetOnHerCotAndIntoTheBottomBit
#ItIsRidiculousHowMuchSheHasGrownIn6Months
#IGuessWeAreStallingBecauseItWillBeALotMoreAnnoyingToGetHerOutOfItAndWeWillNotBeAbleToRockHerAsEasily
#YesterdayWeMadeHerSomeNiceMealsButSheDidNotSeemThatIntoThem
#WhichIsProbablyWhySheWokeUpSoEarlyTodayAsWhenSheEatsWellSheSeemsToSleepBetter
#IThinkIHaveFinallyGivenUpWithBreastfeedingNowAsSheHasHadAFewDaysOfNotWantingToBreastfeedSoIGaveUpAFewDaysAgo
#IThinkIFindItDifficultSeeingSoManyPostsAndReferencesAboutBreastfeedingAsIFeelABitGuiltyAboutItThoughItWasUltimatelyBsChoice
#ButAlsoIFeelBadThatThingsIHavePostedInThePastMightHaveMadeOthersFeelBadAboutThemselvesForWhateverReason
#TheShootWasMeantToBeAFamilyPortaitSessionButTiagoAskedMeToCutHisHairAgainSoIThoughtIShouldDocumentIt
#IThoughtIHadDoneABetterJobThanLastTimeButNowIAmNotSoSureAndIMightNeedToNeatenItUpMoreLater

#IAmWritingThisAt6ThirtyInTheMorningAsBHasAlreadyBeenUpForAboutAnHour

I can hear B giggling at T from here. I’m also listening to Sparrow Sleeps – which are lullaby versions of songs that I liked when I was a teen. I’ve been listening to Relient K, but now I see they have albums of Say Anything and Alkaline Trio… It’s quite nice to write to as I don’t get so distracted by the lyrics though I am kind of singing along anyways.

(I wrote this on 26th December and I’d already forgot about Sparrow Sleeps, so thanks to me for the reminder!)

#SheHasBeenWakingUpACoupleOfTimesInTheNightButSleepingQuiteWellInGeneral #SoLastNightWeStayedUpLateWatchingPearlHarbourWhichIHadRecordedACoupleOfWeeksAgo #TheNightBeforeWeHadStayedUpNotAsLateWatchingADocumentaryAboutTheBeeGees

We thought that we were cursing things by staying up late two nights ago, but as she slept fairly well we just ended up watching the whole of Pearl Harbour. I thought I would turn it off at 11pm, but there seemed like no point as we were so close to the end.

#IThinkTonightItWillBeAnEarlyNightForUsThoughWeWillProbablyNapWhenSheHasHerFirstNap

Well, Tiago says when I am finished that he will probably have a nap.

#TiagoHasFourDaysOffForXmasSoIHaveBeenHavingALittleMoreOfABreak #IFeelGuiltyAboutItThough

Tiago says I can’t win as I feel bad for wanting more time for myself, but when I do I feel guilty about it and don’t really enjoy it.

T fed B all her meals yesterday (though dinner didn’t go well so I gave it a go). I tried to just read my book (The Sanest Guy In The Room by Don Black), but I kept getting distracted by my Nan and life. I usually read e-books now, but this is a physical book that my Mum got me for my birthday.

#YesterdayIFeltLikeICouldHaveStayedInBedForAWeekAsISuddenlyFeltSoDown

Though the feeling passed a bit after 20ish minutes in bed, when I felt guilty for being there.

#TheCodingCourseSeemsALotHarderAndIAmHavingALotLessFeelingSmartMoments

It sucks feeling dumb, but I am halfway through it now so I just need to get on and finish it.

#YesIDidDoABitOfCodingAndGeneralWorkOnChristmasDay

To be fair I think I always do work a bit on Xmas, and now it makes more sense than ever as Tiago is off and I work when I have the chance.

A couple of photos from my Neblina series were taken on Xmas day.

#ItIsStillAboutAnotherWeekUntilMyPhoneCallAssessmentWithTheServiceThatMyHealthVisitorSuggested

I felt like I didn’t need to speak to them anymore, but my mood does go up and down a lot. I know they won’t be able to help with some things (they won’t be able to give me time off – though like I’ve said before I don’t want time away from B), but maybe it might help me to try to change myself for the better.

#IAmFindingItHardToSeeSocialMediaPostsAboutPeopleAndTheirBabies #IThinkItIsBecauseItAllLooksSoEasyForEveryoneElseThoughIKnowThatEveryoneOnlyUsuallyTriesToShowTheirBestSelvesOnSocialMedia

It’s so stupid that it gets to me. I know that most of social media is fake and most people don’t show their true feelings etc. I am happy for other people, but it says a lot more about me than it does about them.

#AfterGoingToTheHairdressersIRealisedThatTheCystOnMyHeadIsQuiteVisibleNow

Talking about my cyst is just making me think of RuPaul’s Drag Race…

#WellItIsMoreTheBaldPatchThatSurroundsIt #IHaveProbablyHadItForAtLeastAYearAndAHalfButItHasGotBiggerAsIMessWithItWhenIGetStressed #AndPregnancyAndCovidAndThingsHaveBeenStressful #IAmTalkingAboutItNowToShameMyselfIntoStopMessingWithItButIKnowThatIWillProbablyNot #ICouldGetItRemovedButApparentlyTheyUsuallyGrowBack

I’m also currently reading a book about periods (Period by Emma Barnett) and it says something about talking about them being quite off limits for a lot of people. Well, I’ve now talked about periods and cysts in my project so…

#IJustSearchEnginedCystOnHeadAndIFeelABitBetterAboutItAllAsThereAreSomeHugeOnesOutThere

Another fun thing about getting older.

#AnywaysWeReallyNeedToMoveBOutOfTheBassinetOnHerCotAndIntoTheBottomBit #ItIsRidiculousHowMuchSheHasGrownIn6Months #IGuessWeAreStallingBecauseItWillBeALotMoreAnnoyingToGetHerOutOfItAndWeWillNotBeAbleToRockHerAsEasily

It is unbelievable how much babies grow in the first six months though. I remember my friend sending us a 6 month onesie for B and thinking nah she is never going to be that big in 6 months time. Well, she is…

#YesterdayWeMadeHerSomeNiceMealsButSheDidNotSeemThatIntoThem

Carrot porridge (she eats that up every day, butternut squash with almond butter and cinnamon (she ate that all up the day before), and aubergine with red pepper and cous cous (she barely ate any).

#WhichIsProbablyWhySheWokeUpSoEarlyTodayAsWhenSheEatsWellSheSeemsToSleepBetter

We give her a lot of water with meals and between if she doesn’t have milk. We give her a milk feed in the morning and in the evening, but after her terrible dinner we gave her milk to make sure she had enough. I think she was just teething really badly and food was irritating her. Possibly?

#IThinkIHaveFinallyGivenUpWithBreastfeedingNowAsSheHasHadAFewDaysOfNotWantingToBreastfeedSoIGaveUpAFewDaysAgo #IThinkIFindItDifficultSeeingSoManyPostsAndReferencesAboutBreastfeedingAsIFeelABitGuiltyAboutItThoughItWasUltimatelyBsChoice

B didn’t want to anymore, so I shouldn’t feel bad about it though I feel like I might have jumped to formula a bit too quick before.. You never know. She wasn’t feeding well and we were moving, so it seemed like the best thing to do to make sure she was getting enough.

I feel like the whole breastfeeding journey has been very up and down. There are a lot of what ifs… but I do just need to let it go. Easier said than done.

#ButAlsoIFeelBadThatThingsIHavePostedInThePastMightHaveMadeOthersFeelBadAboutThemselvesForWhateverReason

And possible future posts. I need to talk about my need to gravitate to talk about negative things all the time; this is something I have felt about addressing for a while.

I guess I’ll save it for a future reflective post.

#TheShootWasMeantToBeAFamilyPortaitSessionButTiagoAskedMeToCutHisHairAgainSoIThoughtIShouldDocumentIt #IThoughtIHadDoneABetterJobThanLastTimeButNowIAmNotSoSureAndIMightNeedToNeatenItUpMoreLater

Well, I guess the next shoot can be a family portrait.

Tiago asked if I could cut his hair tonight, but my Mum was round so she looked after B while I did it. I did feel very nervous, but like last time I quickly got into it. It is quite therapeutic, but hopefully next time I’ll do a better job of it.

I never like how hair looks when it’s just been cut, so maybe it will look better in a few days. I do need to work out there not being such an abrupt change in length in hair between sections though.


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I Need To Just Focus On What I Have And Make The Best Of Things (8th December 2020)

Me with my head down on a table.
I Need To Just Focus On What I Have And Make The Best Of Things (8th December 2020)
 
#WellYesterdayStartedFineAndNormal
#BWokeUpEarlyButItWasManageable
#TiagoFedHerWhileIStretchedThenWePlayed
#PutHerDownForANapAfterTwoHoursAndIThoughtIWouldSleepToo
#SheSleptForAbout30MinutesAndIJustWokeUpFeelingBroken
#IFedHerSomeCauliflowerForTheFirstTimeWhichDidNotGoThatWell
#AndThenICouldNotStopCrying
#IWentToBedToCallTheNumberThatTheHealthVisitorHadGivenMe
#TheCallWasSoFrustratingAsTheLineWasNotGreatAndWeHadToKeepCallingEachOtherBack
#EventuallyTheyHadAllTheInformationWhichIProbablyCouldHaveJustFilledOutOnline
#IAmWaitingToHearBackAboutAnInitialConsultation
#TiagoBookedTheMorningOffWorkWhichMadeMeFeelBad
#ITookPicturesOfMeCryingButIDoNoWantToSharePicturesLikeThatAnymore
#ItFeelsLikeTooMuchAndLikeIAmAttentionSeeking
#SharingThisFeelsLikeIAmTooButIDoHopeThatBySharingThingsThatItMightInspireSomeoneElseToAskForHelp
#IDoNotWantTimeAwayFromBButIJustWorryThatIAmNotGivingHerEnough
#WeWentToAClassYesterdayAndItIsGoodToPassSomeTime
#ButItAlsoFeelsLikeGoingToHighSchoolAllOverAgain
#MumsUsuallyAlreadyHaveTheirLittleGroupsAndIJustFeelAwkward
#ISpokeToSomeoneAndSheSaidHeIsReallyCuteAboutB
#IFeltAwkwardCorrectingHerAndIThinkSheThenFeltAwkwardThoughIReallyDoNotMind
#SheIsUsuallyDressedInBlueSoIKindOfExpectPeopleToAutomaticallyCallHerABoy
#IUsuallySayHowOldIsYourLittleOneOrSomethingLikeThatToAvoidPossibleAwkwardness
#IThinkIAmNotTalkingToBEnough
#AtAClassTheOtherWeekINoticedThatOtherPeopleWereTalkingALotMoreToTheirBabies
#IThinkIMadeAGoodStartOnItThisMorningButItIsHardToHaveALotOfEnergyAllDayLong
#IJustNeedToKeepGoingOutAndHopefullySoonPeopleWillStartToRecogniseUsAndChatMore
#IGuessInAnIdealWorldWeWouldHaveMorePeopleToHangOutWithDuringTheWeekToHelpTheDaysGoByInAMoreFunWay
#ItWillProbablyHappenButNowIsNotTheBestTimeOfTheYearAndALotOfTheClassesAreVeryStopStart
#INeedToJustFocusOnWhatIHaveAndMakeTheBestOfThings

I’ve wrote these hashtags out so many times in my bed in the last 24 hours, and I think they could have been a lot better. Oh well. I’m writing this on 8th December.

Suddenly felt the need to listen to Shiny Happy People by R.E.M.

The song is about something darker, which is what I thought when it came into my head.

Anyways…

#WellYesterdayStartedFineAndNormal #BWokeUpEarlyButItWasManageable #TiagoFedHerWhileIStretchedThenWePlayed #PutHerDownForANapAfterTwoHoursAndIThoughtIWouldSleepToo #SheSleptForAbout30MinutesAndIJustWokeUpFeelingBroken

I was really looking forward to sleeping, but it does seem like an overreaction.

#IFedHerSomeCauliflowerForTheFirstTimeWhichDidNotGoThatWell #AndThenICouldNotStopCrying #IWentToBedToCallTheNumberThatTheHealthVisitorHadGivenMe #TheCallWasSoFrustratingAsTheLineWasNotGreatAndWeHadToKeepCallingEachOtherBack #EventuallyTheyHadAllTheInformationWhichIProbablyCouldHaveJustFilledOutOnline #IAmWaitingToHearBackAboutAnInitialConsultation

I had been thinking about calling for a few days, but the line was always closed when I felt like I should call.

#TiagoBookedTheMorningOffWorkWhichMadeMeFeelBad

I just felt awful that he felt the need to do it. It made me feel like I was really failing.

(This is not a criticism of him, it’s just how I felt.)

#ITookPicturesOfMeCryingButIDoNoWantToSharePicturesLikeThatAnymore #ItFeelsLikeTooMuchAndLikeIAmAttentionSeeking #SharingThisFeelsLikeIAmTooButIDoHopeThatBySharingThingsThatItMightInspireSomeoneElseToAskForHelp

This project is supposed to honest. It’s awkward at times, but I know I’m not the only new-ish Mum who feels like this.

#IDoNotWantTimeAwayFromBButIJustWorryThatIAmNotGivingHerEnough

I keep saying that I’d love a week off, but I do not want that time away from her. I know I will not get a week off and it will not fix everything anyways. I’ve been mothering for nearly 6 months now; I knew it would be intense but living it is completely different.

#WeWentToAClassYesterdayAndItIsGoodToPassSomeTime #ButItAlsoFeelsLikeGoingToHighSchoolAllOverAgain #MumsUsuallyAlreadyHaveTheirLittleGroupsAndIJustFeelAwkward #ISpokeToSomeoneAndSheSaidHeIsReallyCuteAboutB #IFeltAwkwardCorrectingHerAndIThinkSheThenFeltAwkwardThoughIReallyDoNotMind #SheIsUsuallyDressedInBlueSoIKindOfExpectPeopleToAutomaticallyCallHerABoy #IUsuallySayHowOldIsYourLittleOneOrSomethingLikeThatToAvoidPossibleAwkwardness

Oh classes. I love to pass the time and know that B is getting a lot of stimulation. It has brought a whole new set of concerns though – especially yesterday when she was due to have a nap when the class started. She slept to and from class and I’ve just had to let go of things. It is good for me.

But yeah, just feeling like the awkward new kid is no fun.

#IThinkIAmNotTalkingToBEnough #AtAClassTheOtherWeekINoticedThatOtherPeopleWereTalkingALotMoreToTheirBabies

Sometimes it is negative to compare yourself to other Mums, but this was something that was a positive recognition – what can I be doing better at? Often I will just daydream when playing with B and go into myself a bit too much.

#IThinkIMadeAGoodStartOnItThisMorningButItIsHardToHaveALotOfEnergyAllDayLong

I watched these videos last night, which have inspired me.

#IJustNeedToKeepGoingOutAndHopefullySoonPeopleWillStartToRecogniseUsAndChatMore #IGuessInAnIdealWorldWeWouldHaveMorePeopleToHangOutWithDuringTheWeekToHelpTheDaysGoByInAMoreFunWay

I seem to be a bit obsessed with wanting to talk to people. I don’t know if I really even want to – it just seems like a way to pass time. I just want the best for B, and for her to get enough stimulation everyday and to be happy. I’m sure she’s fine and I need to stop worrying so much.

#ItWillProbablyHappenButNowIsNotTheBestTimeOfTheYearAndALotOfTheClassesAreVeryStopStart #INeedToJustFocusOnWhatIHaveAndMakeTheBestOfThings

It’s such a weird time. Mothering is the most intense thing I have ever done in my life. It’s good that we see my Mum and she looks after B for a bit while I cook and do whatever.

Weaning is stressing me out. It’s just full on. Before all we had to do was give her milk – now I’m having to meal prep more and things. Soon it will feel normal, but at the moment it just feels like a lot.

I don’t think this was a great post. I was just trying to write hashtags and this post while B was asleep. I need to think about the photos now. I think with pictures of me crying at least it’s an easy thing to do and share, but I want to try to do something more creative/me.

(23rd December:)Well, there’s a picture of me with my head on a table. I guess it sums up how I felt, but I did do others that were less dramatic. I couldn’t decide between a few, but Tiago said he liked this one best. Sometimes when T says a photo is his favourite it makes me realise that I don’t like the picture, but in this case I went with it.


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Trying To Pack Up A Flat With A 4 Month Old Is Stressful (20th October 2020)

Me pulling on my hair
Trying To Pack Up A Flat With A 4 Month Old Is Stressful (20th October 2020)
 
#TheNewNestingSideOfMeIsSoFreakedOutByTheAbsoluteMessOfOurFlat
#JustBoxesAndStuffEverywhereAndWeStillNeedToPackALotMore
#TiagoHasHiredAVanForAFewDaysTimeAndIAmAlsoStressedOutAboutThat
#HavingToGetEverythingInItAndWorryingAboutGettingToldOffForParking
#DueToThePandemicWeCanNotHaveAnyHelp
#IDoFeelABitOverwhelmedByEverything
#IWantADayOffButICanNot
#IThinkBIsTeethingNow
#WellWeThoughtSheWasBeforeButNowIThinkSheIsEvenMoreSo
#YesterdayIReallyStruggledToGetHerToTakeHerSecondNapWhichWeUsuallyHaveFewProblemsWith
#InTheEndIJustLetHerSleepOnMe
#ThenSheDidNotTakeHerFourthNapSoWePutHerToBedEarly
#ButSheJustWouldNotSettleForSoLong
#TheLastTwoDaysIHaveNotNappedDuringHerFirstNapAsIRealiseItIsTheBestTimeToGetThingsDone
#ItIsReallyHardToKnowWhatIsNormalForABabyHerAgeWhenICanNotInteractWithManyMums
#IGuessWithGoingToBabyClassesAndChildrensCentresYouWouldHaveALotOfConversationsAndCanCompareThings
#ItIsVeryDifferentToJustTalkingToPeopleViaTechnology
#MyHairIsSoGreasyInThisShoot
#IAmTryingToWriteTheseHashtagsQuicklySoICanGoWashMyHairAsItJustFeelsSoGross
#IOnlyDidOneShootLastWeekAsIFeltLikeThereWasNotMuchToSay
#IHaveJustBeenMotheringPackingCodingAndGoingForADailyWalk
#ThoughIDoNotAlwaysManageToGetOutForAWalk
#IHaveAlsoBeenSellingSomeBitsOfFurnitureWhichAlwaysTurnsInToAMassiveJob
#YesterdayTheMentalHealthServiceCalledMe
#ItWasADelayedRoutineCheckupAsIDidAnOnlineCBTCourseForAnxietyAYearAgo
#TheySaidTheyUsuallyCallAfter6MonthsButTheyAreLateDueToThePandemic
#ISaidIHaveBeenFeelingBetterWhichIsProbablyDueToTheDistractionsOfMoving
#IStillHaveNotHeardBackFromTheDoctorsOrHealthVisitorThoughAfterMyAppointmentWhereIMentionedMyMentalHealth
#IHadALongShowerForTheFirstTimeInAgesAndFeltSoMuchBetterAfter
#INeedToStartDoingAnotherSetOfHashtagsForAfterIHaveRantedAboutStuffInTheFirstLotAndThenFeelLoadsBetter
 

Hello! I’m writing this on 20th October <and adding notes on 5th November.>

This shoot was inspired by photos I took on my birthday shoot, but didn’t choose for the final picture.

Before I did the shoot I did a yoga video for stress – it was nice, but I did still feel stressed afterwards.

I finished a 30 days video class yesterday, but I am thinking that maybe I accidentally skipped a few classes as it seems like it ended so soon? I feel stronger, but the problem is when you finish something like that it is knowing what to do next. She does have other programs that I need to try to get into (mentally) ASAP.

<I am trying to get through a new 30 day challenge, though today I did the same video as yesterday as I felt like I could have done it better. I was doing some 10 minute videos, but they really weren’t enough. This morning I also did a baby yoga class with B as the more stretching I can do the better!>

#TheNewNestingSideOfMeIsSoFreakedOutByTheAbsoluteMessOfOurFlat #JustBoxesAndStuffEverywhereAndWeStillNeedToPackALotMore

I have changed a lot from the messy child that I once was, but I think since having a baby I like mess even less.

Walking through the flat is a bit like an obstacle course at the moment. We need to be careful, especially when carrying B through it all.

At least she isn’t crawling yet – it would be a bit of a nightmare.

<It turns out that unpacking with a nearly 5 month old is stressful too, who would have thought it? I am hoping that we can finally start to unpack properly this weekend!>

#TiagoHasHiredAVanForAFewDaysTimeAndIAmAlsoStressedOutAboutThat #HavingToGetEverythingInItAndWorryingAboutGettingToldOffForParking

Tiago is chilled about it all, but I was already stressing about this as soon as we said we were moving.

#DueToThePandemicWeCanNotHaveAnyHelp

Well, we could hire a man with a van, but because of the pandemic it seems easier for Tiago just to do it. I meant more help from friends etc.

<Luckily a friend came to help in the end as otherwise it would have been impossible! Moving out day was a nightmare…>

#IDoFeelABitOverwhelmedByEverything #IWantADayOffButICanNot

When I say everything, really I mean a day off from responsibilities. I just miss the days where I had all day to do my own thing, and I got a lot done but also faffed. There is no time for faffing now.

(Though last night I did watch some orangutan videos. I’m more emotional at animal and baby videos now that I have a baby.)

Though I do not want a day away from B. I love when she smiles at me. The other day she had a little giggle fit which was really sweet.

I guess things will be different when she starts to eat solid foods and she doesn’t really need me 24/7, though I will miss the ease of breastfeeding and not having to prepare food etc.

<Now that we live with my Nan, things do seem a little less full on, but I still do feel overwhelmed at times. My main concern at the moment is that she is getting stimulated enough. We do the same things everyday and there are no in person classes by us, which I think would be good for both of us.>

#IThinkBIsTeethingNow #WellWeThoughtSheWasBeforeButNowIThinkSheIsEvenMoreSo

She is dribbling a lot, but I think she might be also going through the 4-month sleep regression which explain the sleeping side of things.

<She was definitely teething and still is 🙁 >

Yesterday she did roll over for the first time in ages by herself, so it’s possible – as sleep regressions have something to do with learning new skills.

<I have an app that says that she is currently going through a developmental leap.>

#YesterdayIReallyStruggledToGetHerToTakeHerSecondNapWhichWeUsuallyHaveFewProblemsWith #InTheEndIJustLetHerSleepOnMe

Well I am writing this during her second nap and it was difficult, but I just rocked her to sleep in the end.

I know I shouldn’t do it, but yesterday she was calm whilst I was rocking her but I stopped too early and then she wouldn’t settle again.

<Today she has had two naps so far and they were both shorter than normal, and I had to rock her to sleep for both.>

#ThenSheDidNotTakeHerFourthNapSoWePutHerToBedEarly #ButSheJustWouldNotSettleForSoLong

See comment above on sleep regression…

<She has been having a fourth nap lately, but she takes ages to settle at bedtime.>

#TheLastTwoDaysIHaveNotNappedDuringHerFirstNapAsIRealiseItIsTheBestTimeToGetThingsDone

It’s usually her longest nap of the day, in terms of how long she has to sleep and how well she usually sleeps.

I try to put her down to nap after 1 1/2 hours for her first nap, after 1 3/4 hours for her second and third, then 2 hours after fourth and fifth.

Obviously this never goes to plan, but this is what I try to do.

#ItIsReallyHardToKnowWhatIsNormalForABabyHerAgeWhenICanNotInteractWithManyMums

I find it so weird that when you have a baby you pretty much get left to it. I guess in ‘normal times’ you’d have more in person support from friends and family, so people don’t see the need to worry about you.

<It has been good to see family lately and get some reassurance about things.>

#IGuessWithGoingToBabyClassesAndChildrensCentresYouWouldHaveALotOfConversationsAndCanCompareThings #ItIsVeryDifferentToJustTalkingToPeopleViaTechnology

Basically, I feel like I can’t keep talking to people about poop over WhatsApp…

#MyHairIsSoGreasyInThisShoot #IAmTryingToWriteTheseHashtagsQuicklySoICanGoWashMyHairAsItJustFeelsSoGross

I should have washed it yesterday really, but obviously my priorities are messed up.

<I washed my hair yesterday and I was thinking that I prioritise making over work over personal hygiene. Lucky Tiago…>

#IOnlyDidOneShootLastWeekAsIFeltLikeThereWasNotMuchToSay

And I did not know what to do for the shoot. I felt like if I was to have done a shoot then the pictures would have been bad and I would have felt more crummy, so I left it.

Usually my motto is ‘if you don’t try then you don’t get’, but I just wasn’t feeling very confident.

#IHaveJustBeenMotheringPackingCodingAndGoingForADailyWalk

I am nearly done with my coding project. I just need to edit the look of it, then I am going to take the rest of the week off (and probably another week) before I start the next and final course.

<I finished it, but now I don’t know how I had time to do a coding course. I’m going to leave it until next month I think.>

Next week I need to unpack and adjust to living in Birmingham really.

<Still need to unpack…>

Once the course is done I will have a lot more time to work on my stuff in the evenings, which will be good. I do like getting stuff done in the morning though so I feel like it’s not hanging over me all day.

I haven’t been reading much lately as I’ve been trying to go to bed early instead. Though last night I did start The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry.

<I didn’t finish the book before I had to send it back for the next person. I do want to get back into reading as I miss it, but I seem to favour sleep over staying up late to read these days.>

#ThoughIDoNotAlwaysManageToGetOutForAWalk

I do plan to, but the other night we were going to go for one later on in the day but by then it seemed easier for Tiago to go by himself. This is why I aim for the mid-afternoon really, so that if it is missed we can aim for the next one and then the next one. Actually I think we did move it twice…

#IHaveAlsoBeenSellingSomeBitsOfFurnitureWhichAlwaysTurnsInToAMassiveJob

SO MUCH FAFF. We have one piece left to go, which someone is meant to be collecting tonight. Fingers crossed.

<They did collect it. Phew.>

#YesterdayTheMentalHealthServiceCalledMe #ItWasADelayedRoutineCheckupAsIDidAnOnlineCBTCourseForAnxietyAYearAgo #TheySaidTheyUsuallyCallAfter6MonthsButTheyAreLateDueToThePandemic #ISaidIHaveBeenFeelingBetterWhichIsProbablyDueToTheDistractionsOfMoving

I said I was moving and they told me to call the equivalent service in Birmingham if I need to. I’ll see how things go.

#IStillHaveNotHeardBackFromTheDoctorsOrHealthVisitorThoughAfterMyAppointmentWhereIMentionedMyMentalHealth

Maybe the doctor/nurse didn’t call the health visitor. Maybe she tried to call once and because I didn’t answer she didn’t try again. Maybe too many people need her help. Who knows?

<She called after I had moved and said that no one told her that I was feeling low.>

#IHadALongShowerForTheFirstTimeInAgesAndFeltSoMuchBetterAfter

I usually just have a bath when B does these days. Again, I need to question my priorities.

#INeedToStartDoingAnotherSetOfHashtagsForAfterIHaveRantedAboutStuffInTheFirstLotAndThenFeelLoadsBetter

I need to start ranting in a diary again so I can save all the mushy happy stuff for this project. Though the whole point of this series is to be as honest as possible, but I hate coming across as so whiney.

I actually did a baby class with B for the first time in ages between the shoot and writing this, which was really nice. I need to focus more on being the best Mum I can be, but it is difficult sometimes.

Mothering is the most intense job I’ve ever had. It is rewarding, but it is also exhausting.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Third Family Portrait (2nd October 2020)

(I wrote this on 2nd October 2020, whilst dancing in my chair to You Know Me Better by Róisín Murphy on repeat. I haven’t listened to music properly in a while and it feels really good.

I’ve been making a big batch of dance videos every 2 weeks now and I’m looking forward to hopefully making some more tomorrow.)

<19th October – I made some, but I’m not sure if it was the next day. I am planning to dance to a new Róisín Murphy song in my next bath of videos.

I’ve been trying to post this all day, but I just haven’t had the time. I’m hoping that I can now while B is supposed to be having a catnap, but I can hear her making noise…>

Me dancing to the song, whilst 3 months pregnant…

Anyways…

I think this photo sums up our family quite well in some way. Me looking at the camera, and Tiago and B not. It almost looks like two photos have been edited together or something.

Third Family Portrait (2nd October 2020)
 
#WhoopsICanNotBelieveItHasBeenAMonthAndAHalfSinceTheLastFamilyPortrait
#WeHadPlannedToDoItEarlierInTheDayButInTheEndItWasGettingLateAndBWasGettingRestless
#TypicallyIHadToldSomeoneThatHerSleepingWasNotThatBadAndThenSheTookAgesToSettleAtBedtime
#HerBedtimeIsUsuallyBetween7And8WithADreamFeedAround10
#AndTheLastFewNightsIHaveNotFedHerUntil7InTheMorning
#ThoughSheNormallyWakesUpQuiteABit
#LastNightSheWokeUpLessButIStillFeltLikeIHadOnlySleptFor5Minutes
#IHaveBeenHavingANapEverydayLately
#IAmNotSureIfItIsParentingTheWeatherLifeOrEverything
#IThinkMyPeriodMayHaveStarted
#IHaveNotHadOneSinceSeptember2019AndTypicallyWeAreGoingSwimmingTomorrow
#IWasHopingToGoWithoutThemForABitLonger
#YesterdayTiagoCommentedThatBWasLookingABitTooBigInHerBassinet
#SoLastNightIAssembledTheChairElementOfHerPushchairAndSheWentInItForTheFirstTimeToday
#NewRulesGotAnnouncedForLiverpool
#NoMeetingUpWithOtherPeopleInsideForAnyReason
#AndMeetingUpOutsideIsNotRecommended
#TheNotRecommendedStuffIsABitAnnoying
#EitherWeAreAllowedOrWeAreNot
#AnywaysWeWentToTheCityCentreTodayToGetFalafelWraps
#IFoundTheWholeExperienceSoStressfulThatIWillNotBeWalkingThereAgainAnytimeSoon
#PeopleDoNotCareAboutSocialDistancingAndIJustFeltAnxiousTheWholeTime
#ItWasTooColdToEatOutsideSoWeWalkedHomeWithThem
#TiagoAteHisWhilstIFedBAndAfterAWhileIWasSoHungryThatIDecidedToEatItOverHer
#YesterdayWeAlsoStartedToPutHerInHer3To6MonthsOnesies
#SheHasALotOfTheSamePatternsAsHer0To3MonthsOnes
#SheHadANiceNewOneOnTodayAndIGotFalafelWrapJuiceAllOverIt
#CleverMe
#IAskedTiagoIfHeHadAnythingToSayWithTheHashtagsButHeSaidNo
#IAmNotLookingForwardToHimGoingBackToWorkNextWeek

#WhoopsICanNotBelieveItHasBeenAMonthAndAHalfSinceTheLastFamilyPortrait

Time just flies by. I honestly thought we had already taken a third one, and I was trying to remember the image as I could only remember the second one that we took in August.

#WeHadPlannedToDoItEarlierInTheDayButInTheEndItWasGettingLateAndBWasGettingRestless

T said we could try again tomorrow when ‘we’re all clean and stuff’, but I’m sure one of them will do, and I want this project to be an accurate portrayal of how we look day to day.

#TypicallyIHadToldSomeoneThatHerSleepingWasNotThatBadAndThenSheTookAgesToSettleAtBedtime

I think she got overtired. We follow a schedule, but it just gets a bit messy around bedtime and I usually end up feeding her twice in that awake period.

<Her second nap was unusually bad today. I wonder if she is teething or something.

I had to go and check on her as she is definitely not sleeping now. I only want her to sleep for 20-30 minutes, but it takes more than that to try to get her to sleep at times…>

#HerBedtimeIsUsuallyBetween7And8WithADreamFeedAround10 #AndTheLastFewNightsIHaveNotFedHerUntil7InTheMorning #ThoughSheNormallyWakesUpQuiteABit #LastNightSheWokeUpLessButIStillFeltLikeIHadOnlySleptFor5Minutes

Some nights it feels like I’m up every hour settling her; last night I only woke up twice.

The second time Tiago was awake too and he said that she did one cry and I sat upright straight away. I had assumed that she had been crying for a while and I had only just woken up.

I always feel tired…

<I’ve got B up – the catnap was a failure, so I’ll just feed her shortly and then put her to bed early. T is holding her while I finish this and drink some water.

This morning I didn’t have a nap for the first time in ages, as it’s usually when she naps the best so it’s a good time to get stuff done.>

#IHaveBeenHavingANapEverydayLately

And not feeling bad about it.

#IAmNotSureIfItIsParentingTheWeatherLifeOrEverything

To be fair the coding course is quite mentally tiring, plus everything else. The weather is colder and it is getting darker earlier, which just makes me want to hibernate. Annoyingly it’s the best time of the day to work – it’s currently 20:44. I did some coding earlier in the day, so I think I will just read my book a little tonight instead. Exciting.

#IThinkMyPeriodMayHaveStarted

Just a small amount of blood. I am hoping it goes away quick and is just my body preparing for them. Fun times.

*Cue a massive cramp.* Ergh.

#IHaveNotHadOneSinceSeptember2019AndTypicallyWeAreGoingSwimmingTomorrow

My period tracker app says my period is 350+ days late.

It’s not the end of the world obviously, but to not have had one in so long and then have it start when I am going swimming for the first time in an even longer time is just bloody annoying – does that count as a pun or something?

#IWasHopingToGoWithoutThemForABitLonger

I have heard that some women have not had them for a year or so after giving birth because of breastfeeding.

<In the end it was only very light for 2 days, so was that my period? I don’t know. It was probably my body reminding itself how they work.>

#YesterdayTiagoCommentedThatBWasLookingABitTooBigInHerBassinet #SoLastNightIAssembledTheChairElementOfHerPushchairAndSheWentInItForTheFirstTimeToday

I was thinking that maybe we should ‘upgrade’ her, so when I saw that other Mum friends had moved their babies to chairs I knew it was time.

It’s weird not being able to see her so well, but hopefully she will like looking around at people and things. It’s strange putting her in it, but I guess before long it will become normal. She looks nice and snug in it.

<I am still finding it weird. There is a little flap to check on her, but as she is usually wearing a hat I can’t see what she is doing, so I have to peep around the front.

When it’s windy her footmuff blows up at the bottom where she is too short to have her feet at the moment.>

#NewRulesGotAnnouncedForLiverpool #NoMeetingUpWithOtherPeopleInsideForAnyReason

It did seem a bit dumb that I could not see someone at their house, but I could see them in a place full of other people.

#AndMeetingUpOutsideIsNotRecommended

I did not know this. I just found out tonight. Great…

I get it – they can’t just make lots of exceptions, but there are no baby groups, I can’t get support from my family and now I can’t see the few friends that I have in Liverpool. Obviously it affects everyone and not just us, but it is annoying. What can we do though?

#TheNotRecommendedStuffIsABitAnnoying #EitherWeAreAllowedOrWeAreNot

Meeting in restaurants or pubs was not recommended before, which meant some people probably didn’t but others did.

We met a couple of friends for a hot drink outside of a cafe the other day, and saw a friend for a walk last weekend. Good job we saw them as now we’re not supposed to. It’s all a bit frustrating.

<Well, we’re under tier 3 restrictions now, but it does say you can meet outside.>

#AnywaysWeWentToTheCityCentreTodayToGetFalafelWraps

We had wanted to try them from a particular place for a while. I thought we would go today rather than at the weekend as it would not be so busy in town.

#IFoundTheWholeExperienceSoStressfulThatIWillNotBeWalkingThereAgainAnytimeSoon #PeopleDoNotCareAboutSocialDistancingAndIJustFeltAnxiousTheWholeTime

I think having a pushchair makes it more difficult as you can’t just easily get away from people fast. People have no problem walking super close to you.

A preacher guy wasn’t wearing a mask and came so close to me to try to give me a leaflet. I just said ‘No!’ loudly as I was so freaked out by him coming close to me. I think he made a ‘Ooh’ sound back or something.

#ItWasTooColdToEatOutsideSoWeWalkedHomeWithThem

We just wanted to get home and B needed to be fed.

#TiagoAteHisWhilstIFedBAndAfterAWhileIWasSoHungryThatIDecidedToEatItOverHer

She usually eats for about 30 minutes and I was so hungry.

#YesterdayWeAlsoStartedToPutHerInHer3To6MonthsOnesies #SheHasALotOfTheSamePatternsAsHer0To3MonthsOnes

I remember when the 0-3 months ones were too big on her, but now they’re quite snug so it’s funny seeing her in oversized clothes again.

#SheHadANiceNewOneOnTodayAndIGotFalafelWrapJuiceAllOverIt

Typical.

<She wore another one for the first time the other day and made a mess of it pretty quickly.>

#CleverMe

I should have known it was going to happen. I should have put a tea towel over her… Fail.

#IAskedTiagoIfHeHadAnythingToSayInTheHashtagsButHeSaidNo

He is the man of many words.

#IAmNotLookingForwardToHimGoingBackToWorkNextWeek

I just want us to hang out together as a family all day everyday…


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Blowing Bubbles Like B (22nd September 2020)

Me blowing bubbles like my baby daughter does
Blowing Bubbles Like B (22nd September 2020)
 
#IAmTryingToDoTwoShootsAWeekNowEvenIfIFeelLikeIDoNotHaveMuchToSayOrShow
#IFeelLikeDuringTheDayLifeJustConsistsOfThreeHourCycles
#SheWakesUpSheIsFedShePlaysSheIsChangedSheNaps
#TheOrderChangesButItIsBasicallyThat
#TwoNightsAgoSheSleptFor8HoursBetweenFeeds
#SheWentToBedAround8SheHadADreamFeedAround10ThirtyWhichSheSleptThrough
#SheWokeUpAt2ButWithGentleEncouragementSheWentBackToSleep
#ThenSheWokeUpAt6ThirtySoIStartedOurDayThen
#LastNightItStartedTheSameExceptSheWokeUpAtMidnight
#ItWasTooEarlyToFeedHerButSheKeptCryingSoIFedHer
#ThenSheWokeUpAt5AndITriedToEncourageHerBackToSleepButNope
#ThenSheWokeUpAt7ButIWasTooTiredToFeedHerSoTiagoPlayedWithHer
#ThenHeBroughtHerToMeAt8AndIFedHerAndThenItWasTimeForHerNap
#SoIMessedTheDayUpReallyAsIShouldHaveJustFedHerAt7
#InTheEndSheSleptForAWhileSoIWokeHerUpWhenSheWasDueToFeedAgain
#ExcitingStuff
#YesterdaySheWasGrabbingAtTheSidesOfThePushchairForTheFirstTime
#SheIsMoreGrabbyEveryDay
#SheAlsoContinuesToBlowALotOfBubblesWhichIDecidedToFocusOnForThisShoot
#IThinkSoonSheIsGoingToHaveToWearABibAllTheTime
#IAmTryingToReadToHerMoreThoughWeNeedToGetSomePortugueseKidsBooksToo
#IFeelLessOverwhelmedThanInTheLastPostButIStillFeelALittleOnEdge
#IJustWantToSleepForAWeek
#TodayANewLockdownBeginsInLiverpool
#YesterdayWeGotAnEmailSayingThatWeShouldWearMasksGoingInAndOutOfOurBuilding
#IDefinitelyWillButIFeelLikeALotOfPeopleWont
#IAmReadyToBePleasantlySurprisedThough
#IFeelLikePeopleAreGettingTooComplacent
#OnMyDailyWalksPeopleGetTooCloseToMeWhichDoesFreakMeOut
#IWonderHowOldBWillBeWhenThisIsAllOver

(I wrote this post on 22nd September.)

#IAmTryingToDoTwoShootsAWeekNowEvenIfIFeelLikeIDoNotHaveMuchToSayOrShow

This is what I aimed to do when I was pregnant, though some weeks I did more.

I guess when I was pregnant I had a body that was changing, whereas now I have a baby whose face I don’t want to show.

(8th October – I always feel like I have nothing to say, but I usually end up saying a lot.)

#IFeelLikeDuringTheDayLifeJustConsistsOfThreeHourCycles #SheWakesUpSheIsFedShePlaysSheIsChangedSheNaps #TheOrderChangesButItIsBasicallyThat

I am not a fan of constant repetition…

#TwoNightsAgoSheSleptFor8HoursBetweenFeeds #SheWentToBedAround8SheHadADreamFeedAround10ThirtyWhichSheSleptThrough #SheWokeUpAt2ButWithGentleEncouragementSheWentBackToSleep #ThenSheWokeUpAt6ThirtySoIStartedOurDayThen

We got a noise machine the day before, so I thought that may have contributed, or maybe it was because T bottle fed her two times in the evening so perhaps she drank more than she usually would?

Well, we used the noise machine again and T fed her three times, but…

#LastNightItStartedTheSameExceptSheWokeUpAtMidnight #ItWasTooEarlyToFeedHerButSheKeptCryingSoIFedHer #ThenSheWokeUpAt5AndITriedToEncourageHerBackToSleepButNope

With a baby it seems that every day is a new day, so forget what happened yesterday really.

#ThenSheWokeUpAt7ButIWasTooTiredToFeedHerSoTiagoPlayedWithHer

I would have fed her, but it had only been two hours since her last feed and she didn’t seem hungry.

#ThenHeBroughtHerToMeAt8AndIFedHerAndThenItWasTimeForHerNap #SoIMessedTheDayUpReallyAsIShouldHaveJustFedHerAt7

Often her naps in the morning are quite good and we have a consistent cycle, but by the afternoon her naps get shorter, so I knew it did not matter too much. Though I will try not to let it happen again. T just seemed keen to play, so I thought why not.

#InTheEndSheSleptForAWhileSoIWokeHerUpWhenSheWasDueToFeedAgain

Great, though the day seems a bit out of whack now.

(8th October – I get a bit obsessed with her routine. I’ve realised why – I don’t have much else to do right now; everyday is pretty much the same.)

#ExcitingStuff

Gripping, I know.

#YesterdaySheWasGrabbingAtTheSidesOfThePushchairForTheFirstTime #SheIsMoreGrabbyEveryDay

She grabs at any material. Below her on her changing mat is a muslin (so she doesn’t feel cold underneath) and when I pick her up it often comes with her…

(8th October – She is definitely more grabby now.)

#SheAlsoContinuesToBlowALotOfBubblesWhichIDecidedToFocusOnForThisShoot

Secret: I did take some photos of me blowing bubbles on the shoot where I imitated the cute thing that B does with her mouth.

#IThinkSoonSheIsGoingToHaveToWearABibAllTheTime

When we play in the living room we have a bib/towel nearby for wiping up dribble. Fun times – sorry future B if she reads this.

(8th October – She wears a bib all the time now – except when she is in her cot.)

#IAmTryingToReadToHerMoreThoughWeNeedToGetSomePortugueseKidsBooksToo

She still falls asleep a lot when I feed her. I feel like I should talk to her, but there’s only so much I can say and she doesn’t seem to care so I try to read to her. Though recently I have just started to watch films as I need to relax and this seems like a good time to do it.

Yesterday and today I have been watching the 2000s Charlie’s Angels films. I have never seen them before. Maybe because lockdown is so dull I feel like I need some action in my life? I hope B learns karate or something.

#IFeelLessOverwhelmedThanInTheLastPostButIStillFeelALittleOnEdge

I know it is the coding course that is bothering me the most. I don’t do well with educational deadlines. I’m ahead of schedule, but still I’m getting stressed out? I’m a weirdo.

T told me to have a rest whilst B napped, but I said I was going to take the pictures for these hashtags. He said I’m nuts. I think he is right…

#IJustWantToSleepForAWeek

Will I ever stop being tired? I was going to have a nap this morning during B’s first nap, but she sleeps so well then that I knew I should get up, stretch and try to do some coding.

I’m attempting the 30 days of yoga again. I think I tried too soon before when I had a big gap (diastasis recti) and so it wasn’t the best idea. Now I think it is okay to do it though.

#TodayANewLockdownBeginsInLiverpool

Oh joy. Though my Nan is under lockdown in Birmingham, so now I feel a little glad that we don’t have to try to attempt some weird meetup in a pub. Obviously I’d love to see her, but logistically it would be a right faff.

#YesterdayWeGotAnEmailSayingThatWeShouldWearMasksGoingInAndOutOfOurBuilding #IDefinitelyWillButIFeelLikeALotOfPeopleWont

T popped outside and he said the two people he saw weren’t, but maybe they haven’t seen the email yet? T doesn’t think he got the email.

#IAmReadyToBePleasantlySurprisedThough

Let’s see what I say about it when I get round to posting this.

(8th October – Some people do, some people don’t. I saw two guys walk into a shop earlier without masks… Do I sound like the local neighbourhood snitch? Yes.)

#IFeelLikePeopleAreGettingTooComplacent #OnMyDailyWalksPeopleGetTooCloseToMeWhichDoesFreakMeOut

Yesterday to get into the building I had to walk by two guys who were smoking right by the entrance. They barely moved for me and then I awkwardly had to open the door and get through with the pushchair, whilst they continued to stand right by it but acted like I was not there. I guess from today they will be told to move.

#IWonderHowOldBWillBeWhenThisIsAllOver

I can not really imagine a world where I feel safe around strangers/lots of people again. Though I did adapt pretty quickly at the hospital when I had B…


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Portrait Of A Mother Of A Three-Month-Old (15th September 2020)

Me leaning on a table
Portrait Of A Mother Of A Three-Month-Old (15th September 2020)
 
#WhoIsWorriedThatSheWillNotHaveTimeToWriteTheHashtagsBeforeHerBabyWakesUp
#ThatWouldHaveBeenTooLongOfATitle
#ICanNotBelieveSheIsThreeMonthsOldAndIStillCanNotBelieveThatIHaveABaby
#LastNightSheWentFor8HoursBetweenTwoFeeds
#SheDidWakeUpACoupleOfTimesButSheWentBackToSleep
#ThoughNowIAmWorriedAsSheHasSeemedQuiteSleepyToday
#TypicallyWhenSheDoesNotSleepIAmWorriedAndWhenSheDoesIAm
#SheWasStartingToGetCrankyDuringHerBabyMassageClassThisMorningWhichWasARecordingFromLastWeekAsItExpiresTomorrow
#AndWeMissedHerBabyYogaClassSoWeWillHaveToDoThatBeforeWeDoTheNextBabyMassageOne
#SheIsMeantToBeGoingThroughADevelopmentalLeapThoughWhichMightExplainTheTiredness
#YesterdayOurRoutineGotMuckedUpByTravellingAboutSoIThoughtItMightBeALongNight
#WeHadToStopAtAServiceStationForTheFirstTimeWithHer
#WeActuallyHadToStopTwiceAsTheFirstTimeIFedHerAndTheSecondTimeWeChangedHerNappyAsSheWasStillCrying
#WhenSheIsOvertiredItCanGoEitherWay
#ButIThinkHerBeingOvertiredIsTheMainReasonWhySheCries
#SheWasFineWhenIWasHoldingHerButThenSheWouldCryWhenIPutHerDownInHerCot
#NowThatWeSwaddleHerSheHasABitMoreOfANaptimeSlashBedtimeRoutine
#IUsuallyPickHerUpOnceSheIsSwaddledAndSingToHerForABitWhileRockingHer
#OurNewSongIs
#HeyBabyAreYouSleepy
#LetsGoToBedASAP
#ButASAPAsAyEssAyPee
#ISangToHerForAWhileButSheWasStillFussy
#AsSheSleepsInATravelCotThoughIRecentlyRealisedThatICanRockTheBassinetBitToRockHerToSleep
#IPlannedToDoThisShootLaterButIThoughtIMightAsWellTryToDoItNow
#SoTonightICanJustFocusOnCodingOnceIGetMeTime
#IFeelQuiteStressedOutRightNow
#IGuessIJustStartedANewCourseAndIHadNotDoneAShootInAFewDays
#IAlsoHaveNotBeenOnAWalkInACoupleOfDaysSoINeedToMakeSureThatIGoOutToday
#ItIsNiceLookingAfterHerButEveryDayIsTheSameKindOfCycle
 

Apologies for another picture of me in my underwear. I said that I would not change my clothes for shoots, and as the weather is warm whilst I write this (on the 15th September) I am just lounging around like this.

It is just easier for feeding, and as I haven’t been out yet today I haven’t had to put any other clothes on. I guess it is an accurate portrayal of having a summer baby in a warm flat…

(Since writing this the weather has turned and I’ve been enjoying lounging around in a long sleeved top and pyjama bottoms.)

#WhoIsWorriedThatSheWillNotHaveTimeToWriteTheHashtagsBeforeHerBabyWakesUp #ThatWouldHaveBeenTooLongOfATitle

After seeing how long this hashtag is, it definitely would have been too long for the official title. It is annoying when titles are too long for file names or title boxes.

#ICanNotBelieveSheIsThreeMonthsOldAndIStillCanNotBelieveThatIHaveABaby

Will it ever stop being weird? I don’t think so. How has it been 3 months already though?

(I was thinking this morning – 2nd October – that I haven’t said this in a while, but obviously I have. We generally have a few free hours these days between her going to bed and her dream feed, which is when I usually do my coding course. I am so caught up in my own stuff that I do sometimes temporarily forget that I have a kid. That sounds bad, but it is because I still find it weird that I grew a baby inside me.)

#LastNightSheWentFor8HoursBetweenTwoFeeds #SheDidWakeUpACoupleOfTimesButSheWentBackToSleep

I have been trying to go to bed earlier. We ended up getting home late, so I fed her and we all went to bed around 11pm-ish? She woke up at 4am and I gave her her dummy thinking that she would be crying again within 5 minutes. I lay down again and I can’t remember when she next woke up, but in the end I fed her around 7am.

When I say 8 hours between feeds I mean 8 hours from the start of her last one to the start of the next one.

I woke up around 6am and managed to do some yoga, before I woke her up to feed her. I want to start getting up at 7am every day to try to have some kind of a routine.

(2nd October – The last few nights she has gone the whole night without eating until 7am-ish. Last night she only woke up once, whereas the night before she woke up about 6 times, but I just tried to leave her for 5 minutes before intervening, and the night before that she woke up a lot and I usually just offered her the dummy straight away, which shouldn’t be my first response really. I’m learning…)

#ThoughNowIAmWorriedAsSheHasSeemedQuiteSleepyToday

She had a nap around 8.30am, and we both slept until 10.30am. I was supposed to wake her up to feed her around 10… I had to wake her up in the end as she had napped for 2 hours.

#TypicallyWhenSheDoesNotSleepIAmWorriedAndWhenSheDoesIAm

I will keep an eye on her.

(2nd October – Everything was fine; babies are supposed to sleep a lot. I was reading the other day that someone was struggling with their baby was not sleeping so well at night and someone recommended an earlier bed time. Apparently it made a big difference. Before we were aiming for a bedtime of 8pm, but now we try for 7pm-ish. )

#SheWasStartingToGetCrankyDuringHerBabyMassageClassThisMorningWhichWasARecordingFromLastWeekAsItExpiresTomorrow

She has her eyes closed whilst I feed her, so I need to work on keeping her more awake during feeds still. I thought she would not need a nap so soon, but she was getting cranky half way through the video so I thought I’d see if she wanted a nap.

#AndWeMissedHerBabyYogaClassSoWeWillHaveToDoThatBeforeWeDoTheNextBabyMassageOne

Fun fact.

#SheIsMeantToBeGoingThroughADevelopmentalLeapThoughWhichMightExplainTheTiredness

It also says to expect other things like clinginess, loss of appetite and other things. She seems to be feeding well at the moment, though I need to use nipple shields as one is quite painful and she only seems to like the other boob if it has a nipple shield on. I guess it is like sucking a dummy full of milk? The bad one just doesn’t seem to heal though.

(2nd October – I am just using nipple shields all the time now. I know you’re not supposed to, but sore nipples are horrible. I do occasionally go without to try to build up my resistance or something, but it just seems easier to use them. Okay, I’ve guilted myself into using them less.)

#YesterdayOurRoutineGotMuckedUpByTravellingAboutSoIThoughtItMightBeALongNight

It is nice to see people, but I do start to get into some kind of routine at home and it goes out of the window pretty quick.

#WeHadToStopAtAServiceStationForTheFirstTimeWithHer #WeActuallyHadToStopTwiceAsTheFirstTimeIFedHerAndTheSecondTimeWeChangedHerNappyAsSheWasStillCrying

We always try to go anywhere after she has been fed. Sometimes when she is overtired she will sleep after a feed, but not last night.

Before we left the first service station we checked her nappy and it seemed fine. However, as she was crying after we left we thought it might be her nappy so T changed it on the front passenger seat (on a changing mat) at the next service station.

She was still upset after we left there, but she calmed down a little after I played white noise on my phone and tried to sooth her more. I sensed that she might just want to be cuddled, but obviously we couldn’t do that in a moving car.

#WhenSheIsOvertiredItCanGoEitherWay

She can have a long sleep or just wake up loads. I get it though, sometimes the more tired I am the harder it is to sleep. Like when I barely slept for 2 weeks after she was born…

#ButIThinkHerBeingOvertiredIsTheMainReasonWhySheCries

Well she cries for other reasons, but it’s the hardest to fix. Feed? Easy (well, less so with bottles these days). Nappy change? No problem. Over tired? Oh no. I am trying to get better at realising she is tired though.

#SheWasFineWhenIWasHoldingHerButThenSheWouldCryWhenIPutHerDownInHerCot

I realised too late that she was tired.

#NowThatWeSwaddleHerSheHasABitMoreOfANaptimeSlashBedtimeRoutine

As we need to comfort her once she is in the swaddle.

#IUsuallyPickHerUpOnceSheIsSwaddledAndSingToHerForABitWhileRockingHer

It is usually turn on white noise > nappy change > swaddle > comfort > cot.

#OurNewSongIs #HeyBabyAreYouSleepy #LetsGoToBedASAP #ButASAPAsAyEssAyPee #ISangToHerForAWhileButSheWasStillFussy

Well, I made it up today. She did seem to calm down, but was fussy again in her cot.

#AsSheSleepsInATravelCotThoughIRecentlyRealisedThatICanRockTheBassinetBitToRockHerToSleep

I didn’t have to do it for long and she fell asleep. Win.

#IPlannedToDoThisShootLaterButIThoughtIMightAsWellTryToDoItNow #SoTonightICanJustFocusOnCodingOnceIGetMeTime

B was asleep and the food in the oven needed half an hour to cook. You never know when she will wake up, but I managed to do a shoot, hashtags and half off this blog post. I’m writing the rest while she feeds – this is probably why she falls asleep while eating.

So at least I won’t have all of this to worry about tonight. I just need to select the image to accompany all of this…

#IFeelQuiteStressedOutRightNow #IGuessIJustStartedANewCourseAndIHadNotDoneAShootInAFewDays

I do not really like the pictures in this project, but perhaps just doing something is better than nothing. That’s generally how it is with my work, but it would be nice if I really liked the pictures. I used to really like my pregnancy project, but looking at it yesterday maybe it isn’t even that good. I guess it is just a document of a time and that’s fine.

At least I slept well last night and had a good nap this morning.

#IAlsoHaveNotBeenOnAWalkInACoupleOfDaysSoINeedToMakeSureThatIGoOutToday

Like I said when we visit people the routine goes out of the window. I prefer to take her out in her pushchair now, but it does not fit in the car along with everything else. This will be corrected today. I started to listen to Carrie Fisher’s biography as an audiobook whilst on walks. I love the speed up setting – particularly with my library app as you can set it to whatever speed you like. Sometimes 1.25x is too slow and 1.5x is too fast.

#ItIsNiceLookingAfterHerButEveryDayIsTheSameKindOfCycle

Wake up, feed, change, play, nap and repeat all day. I shouldn’t complain as it is rewarding, but my very first self-portraiture project was about the cycle of life. Sometimes I do find the monotonous of existing a bit dull, particularly during a pandemic. Rules are changing again, so we won’t be able to visit my Nan at home for now. Hopefully it changes again soon but who knows. We nearly didn’t make the visit, so it was lucky that we got to see her at home when we did.

(2nd October – Well, Liverpool has more lockdown rules now. So for now we can’t see anyone in their homes or gardens, and yesterday they announced a new rule of not mixing in pubs and restaurants – before it was just advised against.)

(I felt much better after finishing this post as I had been productive. B and I had a playtime full of smiles, and I got out for a walk. Win.)


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