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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Trying To Imitate How B Looks After She Has Slept On Her Hands (31st January 2021)

Self-portrait with some marks on my face from where I tried to imitate my daughter by lying on my hands.
Trying To Imitate How B Looks After She Has Slept On Her Hands (31st January 2021)
 
#BHasSuddenlyGotMoreMobile
#YesterdaySheStartedToRollOntoHerFrontThenBackOntoHerBack
#SheHasDoneItABitBeforeButMoreOnAccident
#NowSheKnowsWhatSheIsDoingAndUsesItToGetAroundMore
#SheWasAlsoCrawlingBackwardsABit
#YouCanSeeThatSheKnowsWhatSheNeedsToDoToCrawlForward
#ButItIsProbablyTheCarpetThatIsStoppingHerSomewhatRightNow
#IDoNotThinkItWillBeLongBeforeSheIsCrawling
#GoodbyeToTheDaysWhereYouCanPutHerDownAndLeaveTheRoomFor5SecondsToGetSomethingAndExpectToFindHerInTheSameArea
#WeAreStartingToBabyproofTheLivingRoomWithTowels
#ThisMorningSheWasAlsoBlowingALotOfRaspberries
#ItIsFunnySeeingHerOnTheBabyMonitorNow
#IAmGladWeDidNotHaveOneBeforeAsYouCanQuiteObsessedWatchingItAndSeeingEveryMovement
#ItIsCuteSeeingBFallAsleepOnHerSideAsIfSheWasTooTiredToEvenRollOntoHerFrontToSleep
#ButWhenSheDoesSleepOnHerFrontSheAlwaysSleepsOnHerHandsAndHasBigMarksWhereHerFingersWere
#SheHasNotLearnedTheArtOfTurningHerHeadToTheSideToSleepOnHerFrontYet
#IWillTryToRecreateTheFingerMarksOnMyHeadForThePhotoButLetsSeeHowLongIHaveToLieOnMyFrontFor
#SheSeemsToPreferSleepingOnHerFrontForNapsAndThenOnHerBackForNight
#ThoughTheOtherNightSheWasOnHerFrontAtNightAndIThoughtOhEventuallyWeWillHaveToGoInToTurnHerOverWhenSheScreams
#ButAtSomePointSheObviouslyRolledOntoHerBackAndItWasFine
#IAmStartingToFeelALittleDrainedAgain
#IHaveNotMadeMuchOfAnEffortToTalkToLocalPeopleLately
#ThoughTypicallyIFeelLikeThisAndThenPeopleStartToTalkToUsAtThePlaygroundMore
#IGuessIFeelLikeIHaveEnoughPeopleToTalkToThatICanNotSeeDueToCovid
#IAlsoHaveLessFreeTimeTheseDaysAndIDoNotFeelTheNeedToMakeLocalFriendsAsMuch
#ThoughThisWillProbablyChangeSoonWhenTheWeatherGetsBetterAndWeCanHopefullySpendMoreTimeOutdoors
#WeDoBabyClassesOnZoomWhereAtLeastBGetsToSeeSomeOtherBabies
#EspeciallyAsThereIsAlwaysABitWhereWeDanceTheBabiesUpToOurCamerasWhichIsRidiculouslyCute
#IFeelLikeIAmGettingQuiteObsessedWithBsScheduleAgainAndIAmQuiteUsedToOurDailyLife
#IGuessInNonPandemicTimesIWouldHaveGotUsedToAlteringItForThingsLikeClassesAndPlaydatesButIFeelLikeICanNotReallySwayAwayFromThingsRightNow

#BHasSuddenlyGotMoreMobile #YesterdaySheStartedToRollOntoHerFrontThenBackOntoHerBack #SheHasDoneItABitBeforeButMoreOnAccident #NowSheKnowsWhatSheIsDoingAndUsesItToGetAroundMore #SheWasAlsoCrawlingBackwardsABit #YouCanSeeThatSheKnowsWhatSheNeedsToDoToCrawlForward #ButItIsProbablyTheCarpetThatIsStoppingHerSomewhatRightNow #IDoNotThinkItWillBeLongBeforeSheIsCrawling

I do not usually bunch so many hashtags together, but this all fits together quite well.

It’s like a switch suddenly got flicked in her brain and she’s now hyperactive.

This morning after breakfast you could see that she just wanted to get back on the floor to try things out.

#GoodbyeToTheDaysWhereYouCanPutHerDownAndLeaveTheRoomFor5SecondsToGetSomethingAndExpectToFindHerInTheSameArea

I will miss them, but I am also excited to see B moving about.

#WeAreStartingToBabyproofTheLivingRoomWithTowels

I did an online first aid class and they were saying that a rolled up towel is good for some things – there’s a fireplace with bricks around it, which now has a big towel over the ledge.

#ThisMorningSheWasAlsoBlowingALotOfRaspberries

She was just blowing them in Tiago’s face. I did laugh… She also likes to blow raspberries more when she eats too.

#ItIsFunnySeeingHerOnTheBabyMonitorNow #IAmGladWeDidNotHaveOneBeforeAsYouCanQuiteObsessedWatchingItAndSeeingEveryMovement

Every arm flap makes me feel concerned. ‘Oh, she is going to wake up! No she didn’t…’ I turn it off unless I need it on – I’m far away/she cries and I want to see what is happening.

#ItIsCuteSeeingBFallAsleepOnHerSideAsIfSheWasTooTiredToEvenRollOntoHerFrontToSleep

Very cute.

#ButWhenSheDoesSleepOnHerFrontSheAlwaysSleepsOnHerHandsAndHasBigMarksWhereHerFingersWere #SheHasNotLearnedTheArtOfTurningHerHeadToTheSideToSleepOnHerFrontYet #IWillTryToRecreateTheFingerMarksOnMyHeadForThePhotoButLetsSeeHowLongIHaveToLieOnMyFrontFor

I was going to do this for the last shoot, but I felt like I could not justify lying on my front for a while. Today it is Sunday and I’ve done my ‘work work’ for the week so I am less stressed. I need to set up the camera before I lie down though as it might fade quick. Will I fall asleep? I might listen to a podcast or something.

B was up at 6 so she might sleep for another hour and a half now (it is 9.30am), but knowing my luck she will be awake in 10 minutes.

#SheSeemsToPreferSleepingOnHerFrontForNapsAndThenOnHerBackForNight #ThoughTheOtherNightSheWasOnHerFrontAtNightAndIThoughtOhEventuallyWeWillHaveToGoInToTurnHerOverWhenSheScreams #ButAtSomePointSheObviouslyRolledOntoHerBackAndItWasFine

Great. Though last night she was screaming as she was on her front and we did turn her over. Maybe we should have left her, but it had been 5 minutes. She was probably tired from all of her moving around last night.

She does seem to move around the cot quite a lot now.

#IAmStartingToFeelALittleDrainedAgain

I kept rewriting this half of the hashtags as I felt like I wasn’t explaining myself well.

#IHaveNotMadeMuchOfAnEffortToTalkToLocalPeopleLately #ThoughTypicallyIFeelLikeThisAndThenPeopleStartToTalkToUsAtThePlaygroundMore

I was using a lot of apps and things before, but now I just do not have the energy. The other day I was lost in my own thoughts while pushing B on a swing and someone started to chat to me. The next day someone else spoke to us.

#IGuessIFeelLikeIHaveEnoughPeopleToTalkToThatICanNotSeeDueToCovid

I have not seen a lot of my friends in over a year… (I know this is the case for a lot of people to.)

#IAlsoHaveLessFreeTimeTheseDaysAndIDoNotFeelTheNeedToMakeLocalFriendsAsMuch

At the moment it feels like the best thing to do is to stay away from people. Also having to start over with people from square one is always awkward. People who have known me for a while know me and what I do and I do not have to explain things which is great.

It’s the whole starting over from the beginning with people that is tiring, and then they usually do not talk to you for a while/long time/ever again for whatever reason. I do not have the energy for it right now.

#ThoughThisWillProbablyChangeSoonWhenTheWeatherGetsBetterAndWeCanHopefullySpendMoreTimeOutdoors

Oh yeah when we can go out as many times as we want and can just sit on the grass it will be great. At the moment when B naps I get things done. When she’s awake we have many hours to pass, so just chilling outside with people talking about things and letting the babies play sounds awesome.

#WeDoBabyClassesOnZoomWhereAtLeastBGetsToSeeSomeOtherBabies #EspeciallyAsThereIsAlwaysABitWhereWeDanceTheBabiesUpToOurCamerasWhichIsRidiculouslyCute

Last week I did not do as many as I planned. I think we managed 3 out of 5 days? I do wish they had them at the weekend as it’s a good way to pass time. I do do YouTube classes with her, but it’s not the same as watching other babies on the screen.

#IFeelLikeIAmGettingQuiteObsessedWithBsScheduleAgainAndIAmQuiteUsedToOurDailyLife #IGuessInNonPandemicTimesIWouldHaveGotUsedToAlteringItForThingsLikeClassesAndPlaydatesButIFeelLikeICanNotReallySwayAwayFromThingsRightNow

Going out to classes was stressful, but I did feel good when I had organised things well. Now I worry about B falling asleep on the way to or from classes when she shouldn’t, but it didn’t really do much damage anyways. I guess it will be a while until we have classes in real life again, and by then I’ll know more what I am doing with B’s schedule.

Yesterday she had a big breakfast and a tiny lunch. I think this morning it was quite a big breakfast, so I will push back lunch a bit. Things like this help with scheduling her day, and B eats well enough now that she can eat when we are out and about.

Boring stuff, but it’s what I think about.

Time to lie on the floor for a shoot…

(I did not have to lie on my hands for as long as I thought I would have to to get results, but my hands are bony and it did hurt. B’s hands are a lot more fleshy. It just looks like I’ve had sunglasses on for too long or something… Fail.)


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

My Temporary Desk Situation And B Who Was Supposed To Be Having A Long First Nap (22nd January 2021)

My Temporary Desk Situation And B Who Was Supposed To Be Having A Long First Nap (22nd January 2021)
 
#SoLastNightWasNight6OfSleepTraining
#TheFirstNightWasDefinitelyTheWorstAndIThinkThatWasJustBecauseSheWasCold
#TheSecondNightIPutTheHeaterOnATimerButNowWeHaveASmartPlugSoICanControlItFromMyPhone
#WeHaveGenerallyBeenSleepingForAround7HoursANightAtOneTime
#IWishWeHadDoneThisSooner
#SheWillDefinitelyNotBeComingBackToSleepInOurRoomAfterTheTwoWeeksIsOver
#AsAConsequenceIHaveLostMyOfficeSlashStudioRoom
#WePlannedToMoveTheDeskBackToOurRoomButWeHaveNotHadTimeYet
#ItNeedsToBeTakenApartAndPutBackTogetherAgainAsTheDoorwaysAreTooNarrow
#IfBIsAwakeThenICanStillUseTheRoomForSomePhotosAndForMyDanceVideos
#ButOtherwiseINeedToBeMoreCreativeAsThereAreNoOtherFreeBlankWallsInTheHouse
#PerhapsMyWorkIsTooMuchAboutPlainBlankWallsAnyways
#AnywaysWeAlsoDroppedBDownToATwoNapSchedule
#AfterSleepTrainingStartedWeHadTroubleGettingHerDownForAThirdNapSoWeKnewItWasTimeToDropIt
#TheThirdNapWasGettingABitAnnoyingAndIHadBeenShorteningItTo20MinutesSoItWillNotBeMissed
#IWasJustABitStressedAboutFiguringOutARoughScheduleForHerDay
#ButTheFirstDayWentWellSoIWillStickToThatButJustReadjustingForHerWakeupTimes
#SheIsSupposedToStayInHerCotForBetween11And12HoursAtNightSoWeUsuallyGetHerUpBetween6And7Now
#YesterdayWeCouldNotBeBotheredToGetHerUpAt6SoWeGotHerUpALotLaterThanWeShouldHave
#SoWeHadAnOvertiredBabyToDealWithAtNaptimeButItWasNotTooBad
#TodayWeGotHerUpAt10Past6ButIStillHadAVeryOvertiredBabyToDealWithWhoTookAWhileToGoToSleep
#SheUsedToHave2HoursBeforeHerFirstNapButItIsMoreLike3Now
#HopefullySheWillGetUsedToItSoon
#YouAreNotSupposedToStartSleepTrainingForNapsUntilTheyAre10MonthsOldAsForNapsTheyUseADifferentPartOfTheBrain
#HerMealTimesHaveShiftedAndIAmSurprisedThatSheEatsHerPorridgeSoMuchEarlierInTheMorning
#ItIsNiceThoughAsNowWeAllHaveLunchAroundTheSameTimeInsteadOfUsEatingLunchDuringHerNap
#TheAnnoyingThingIsBUsuallyNapsForMostOfTheTimeThatMyMumVisitsButOhWell
#IUsuallyHaveAGoodBitOfTimeToDoWorkDuringHerFirstNapAtLeast
#AndThenHerBedtimeIs7SoIDoSomeWorkAndThenTryToReadABitBeforeGoingToBedAround10
#MyMoodHasBeenBetterAndLookingBackAtMyMoodDiaryMyWorstDaysWereWhenIWasTired
 

#SoLastNightWasNight6OfSleepTraining #TheFirstNightWasDefinitelyTheWorstAndIThinkThatWasJustBecauseSheWasCold

See my previous post.

#TheSecondNightIPutTheHeaterOnATimerButNowWeHaveASmartPlugSoICanControlItFromMyPhone

I hadn’t actually used the timer on the heater before. It was good, but now if I remember I can turn the heater on from anywhere in the house to preheat the room before bed. I have a schedule set up for it during the night, but it’s handy to just be able to change it whenever without having to go into her room all the time.

#WeHaveGenerallyBeenSleepingForAround7HoursANightAtOneTime

We try to go to bed at 10, but one night she woke up just as we were going to sleep and did not settle until 11. Last night she woke up closer to 11 – I was just in that weird half awake half asleep state – but it took only one visit to her room for her to calm down. I think perhaps she wakes up thinking it’s the end of naptime, but we’re like nope it’s not a nap – go to bed!

#IWishWeHadDoneThisSooner

You can start sleep training from between 4 and 6 months apparently.

#SheWillDefinitelyNotBeComingBackToSleepInOurRoomAfterTheTwoWeeksIsOver

It’s so nice not having to tiptoe around the room. Before B would wake up and I’d feel like I had to rush over to her so that Tiago was not disturbed too much as he generally has work in the morning.

Now with her in her own room she probably does wake up in the night (apparently no one sleeps through the night – most of us have just trained ourselves to go back to sleep quickly), but not to the level where we notice.

#AsAConsequenceIHaveLostMyOfficeSlashStudioRoom

This is why I had been putting it off.

#WePlannedToMoveTheDeskBackToOurRoomButWeHaveNotHadTimeYet

So I am just using a little table and sitting on a cushion on a floor. I probably do sit up straighter to be fair. I might have to go back to using my exercise ball as a chair.

#ItNeedsToBeTakenApartAndPutBackTogetherAgainAsTheDoorwaysAreTooNarrow

Hopefully we’ll do it tomorrow as it is the weekend.

#IfBIsAwakeThenICanStillUseTheRoomForSomePhotosAndForMyDanceVideos

Especially once the desk is moved as there will be more space to move her cot out of the way.

#ButOtherwiseINeedToBeMoreCreativeAsThereAreNoOtherFreeBlankWallsInTheHouse

I should have moved my studio light out of the room for now, but B is currently napping in there, so I’ll try this shoot with natural light. If it doesn’t work then I’ll have to get the light later.

#PerhapsMyWorkIsTooMuchAboutPlainBlankWallsAnyways

I like it, but my Nan does have a nice house with lots of interesting walls.

#AnywaysWeAlsoDroppedBDownToATwoNapSchedule

It was easier than I thought. I think I said the same thing about dropping her fourth nap…

#AfterSleepTrainingStartedWeHadTroubleGettingHerDownForAThirdNapSoWeKnewItWasTimeToDropIt #TheThirdNapWasGettingABitAnnoyingAndIHadBeenShorteningItTo20MinutesSoItWillNotBeMissed

Though so far B’s second nap has been about 35 minutes, so that she can go to bed for 7.

#IWasJustABitStressedAboutFiguringOutARoughScheduleForHerDay

Hello writing and crossing things out with a pen on paper.

#ButTheFirstDayWentWellSoIWillStickToThatButJustReadjustingForHerWakeupTimes

Hello writing down times with a pen on paper.

#SheIsSupposedToStayInHerCotForBetween11And12HoursAtNightSoWeUsuallyGetHerUpBetween6And7Now

The first few nights I was waking up at about 5.30 and I felt quite awake, and could not fall back asleep easily.

The next day I said I would just get up then, but B slept until 7 – I had to wake her up! I think 6 will probably be her usual wake up time though.

T likes having a slow start to the day and still managing to start work early. I get to do a bit of yoga too which I like.

#YesterdayWeCouldNotBeBotheredToGetHerUpAt6SoWeGotHerUpALotLaterThanWeShouldHave #SoWeHadAnOvertiredBabyToDealWithAtNaptimeButItWasNotTooBad

I thought it would be a lot worse.

#TodayWeGotHerUpAt10Past6ButIStillHadAVeryOvertiredBabyToDealWithWhoTookAWhileToGoToSleep

I maybe went in too many times, but she did have trouble settling. She kept rolling into her front and could not seem to get comfortable. Yesterday she did sleep well on her front during her first nap though.

#SheUsedToHave2HoursBeforeHerFirstNapButItIsMoreLike3Now #HopefullySheWillGetUsedToItSoon

Lots of singing and dancing today to try to keep her awake. I thought I was putting her down in good time though – obviously not.

#YouAreNotSupposedToStartSleepTrainingForNapsUntilTheyAre10MonthsOldAsForNapsTheyUseADifferentPartOfTheBrain

Maybe this is why she likes on her front for naps but on her back at night? Probably not.

(10th February: I’m not sure how accurate this statement of mine is, so feel free to ignore this hashtag. I feel like I should take it out, but it’s what I thought at the time. I must have read it somewhere though…)

#HerMealTimesHaveShiftedAndIAmSurprisedThatSheEatsHerPorridgeSoMuchEarlierInTheMorning

She has some milk when she gets up, then porridge 2 hours later. Though Tiago thought he wasn’t feeding her until 7 today, so we’ll see how she does lasting until lunch time.

#ItIsNiceThoughAsNowWeAllHaveLunchAroundTheSameTimeInsteadOfUsEatingLunchDuringHerNap

She will probably not be able to join her usual baby classes as she will be asleep during them – and I can’t be bothered to work out a schedule for her to attend them. There are some other classes just before lunch though, which works well. We have done a music class everyday this week so far, plus I usually do a Sophie Pickles class everyday when I am not sure what to do/I want to make sure B is getting proper stimulation.

I’m linking from week 8 as this is when she started to re-record/pre-record the videos so they’re a lot shorter and you don’t have to skip through old shoutouts etc.

#TheAnnoyingThingIsBUsuallyNapsForMostOfTheTimeThatMyMumVisitsButOhWell

Luckily for my Mum she now doesn’t have to feed B porridge and can just have a little playtime with her if she stays long enough.

#IUsuallyHaveAGoodBitOfTimeToDoWorkDuringHerFirstNapAtLeast

On good days I can probably do the hashtags, blog and shoot during the first nap.

The other day I spent an hour and a half cooking during it. I need to get quicker at making things. I blame the red pepper for not grilling…

#AndThenHerBedtimeIs7SoIDoSomeWorkAndThenTryToReadABitBeforeGoingToBedAround10

I think I mentioned that I have started to do some research work, so I tend to do that in the evening but sometimes in the mornings too.

Someone just slammed a door and B woke up… She’s only been asleep for half an hour. Hopefully she settles again soon. Usually once she’s awake from a nap that’s it, but maybe she will as she should sleep for at least another half an hour if not an hour…

#MyMoodHasBeenBetterAndLookingBackAtMyMoodDiaryMyWorstDaysWereWhenIWasTired

The world needs more sleep. B needs more sleep, but I think she is up now. She’ll have to watch me do a photoshoot I think (not sure) and I hope she has a long second nap instead. 🤞

Second nap update: Well let’s see how she sleeps. I had B on the floor and wasn’t sure whether to have her in the shoot or not, but she kept rolling into view. I had gone to get my light as B was awake anyways and it was a fun shoot where B made it better, even though I had to keep stopping her from trying to destroy my paper. So, I’m glad she woke up, but I hope she sleeps well now.

(I don’t like that B’s leg is out of the frame a bit, but I liked this photo from the shoot the most.)


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We Have Finally Started To Sleep Train B (17th January 2021)

We Have Finally Started To Sleep Train B (17th January 2021)
 
#YesterdayWeFinallyDecidedThatWeShouldStartSleepTrainingB
#IHaveWantedToDoItForAWhileButIHaveBeenReallyTiredLatelyAndWeAllNeedOurSleep
#IWasAlsoHesitantToGiveUpMyOfficeSlashStudioAsBHasToSleepInThereInsteadOfOurRoomForTheDurationOfIt
#WeGotUpAtEightThirtyYesterdayMorningAfterBHadBeenFedAt5
#WeHaveBeenJustFeedingHerToGetHerToGoBackToSleepLately
#IDoNotLikeDoingThatButWithHerSleepingInOurRoomAndTiagoWorkingDuringTheDayWeDoNotLikeToLetHerCryForLong
#SoSheWentDownToSleepPrettyEasyAndWeGaveHerHerDummyButSaidWeWereNotGoingToKeepGivingItBackToHer
#ThenSheWokeUpAtTwoThirtyAndSheSeemedOkay
#AndThenSheDidNotSleepForThreeHours
#ITookThisPhotoAtAboutThreeThirty
#AfterAWhileWeThoughtWeShouldCheckHerNappyAndItDidNeedToBeChanged
#AndThenSheStillDidNotSleep
#InTheEndWeTurnedOnTheHeatingInHerRoomAndSheFellAsleep
#WeFeltReallyBadAsThatRoomIsColdAndThatIsAnotherReasonWhyWeHaveDelayedMovingHerOutOfOurRoom
#TiagoSaidIShouldGoBackToSleepButICouldNotSleepUntilSheFellAsleep
#ThisMorningWeGotUpJustBefore8AsWeWereAllSoTired
#SoonHopefullyWeWillAllBeGettingUpAt7FeelingGreat
#WeHaveStartedToGiveHerMoreMilkBeforeSheGoesToBedInHopeThatWeCanDropTheDreamfeed
#TiagoTriedToDoADreamfeedLastNightButBBarelyDrankAnySoSheDidGoALongTimeWithoutBeingFed
#SheEatsFairlyWellDuringTheDayButMaybeNowSheWillEatMoreIfSheReallyIsHungry
#InMyLastEntryISaidThatBHadStoppedScreamingOnHerFrontInHerCot
#WellSheHasStartedToDoThatAgain
#ButThenAgainTheOtherNightSheWasScreamingALotAndIPickedHerUpToSootheHerAndSheBurped
#SoThatWasALessonInRememberingToWindBEvenAfterMealsWhereSheHasJustHadWater
#IAmStillFeelingStressedOutByBsMealsEvenThoughIKnowSheIsGettingAGoodBalancedDiet
#TiagoWentToTheSupermarketLastNightSoHopefullyICanTryToMakeSomeNewDishesForHer
#HopefullyWeArePastTheWorstNightOfTheSleepTraining
#WeAreGoingToTryToNotGiveBHerDummyNowAsSheJustConstantlyDropsItInHerCotAndSheIsNotToCleverAtPuttingItBackInHerself
#WeUsuallyCoverUpHerHandsButLastNightIDidNotInHopeThatSheMightComfortHerself
#ButThisMorningHerHandsWereFreezingAndIJustNeedToMakeSureThatHerNailsAreFiledWellAsSheEasilyScratchesHerself
 

#YesterdayWeFinallyDecidedThatWeShouldStartSleepTrainingB #IHaveWantedToDoItForAWhileButIHaveBeenReallyTiredLatelyAndWeAllNeedOurSleep

I’m sure that I have been mentioning it for at least 2 months…

#IWasAlsoHesitantToGiveUpMyOfficeSlashStudioAsBHasToSleepInThereInsteadOfOurRoomForTheDurationOfIt

Maybe it will just become B’s room and she will never move back into our room. That is probably how it should be. It feels nice to have our own room again. Though our bedroom is not good for a studio as it has no flat plain walls, but maybe this will encourage me to get more creative with my practice.

#WeGotUpAtEightThirtyYesterdayMorningAfterBHadBeenFedAt5

We always aim to get up at 7. It is easier when B is crying and wants to get up, but she rarely cries bang on 7.

#WeHaveBeenJustFeedingHerToGetHerToGoBackToSleepLately #IDoNotLikeDoingThatButWithHerSleepingInOurRoomAndTiagoWorkingDuringTheDayWeDoNotLikeToLetHerCryForLong

We had also been trying to wait a few minutes before going over to her, but it’s not easy when she slept less than 2 metres away from me.

#BWentToSleepPrettyQuicklyLastNightAndWeGaveHerHerDummyButSaidWeWereNotGoingToKeepGivingItBackToHer

I did cheat and gave it back to her once, but then she went to sleep. Then I said okay I will not give it to her again…

#ThenSheWokeUpAtTwoThirtyAndSheSeemedOkay

Her crying was not that bad.

#AndThenSheDidNotSleepForThreeHours

We kept going in to comfort her from time to time – we did not let her cry for 3 hours.

#ITookThisPhotoAtAboutThreeThirty

It’s orange/red from my phone’s night filter.

#AfterAWhileWeThoughtWeShouldCheckHerNappyAndItDidNeedToBeChanged

Maybe she’ll go to sleep now that it’s changed?

#AndThenSheStillDidNotSleep

Nope.

#InTheEndWeTurnedOnTheHeatingInHerRoomAndSheFellAsleep

We did think that it was a bit cold when we were popping in. She sleeps in a thick sleeping bag, but obviously it was still too cold.

#WeFeltReallyBadAsThatRoomIsColdAndThatIsAnotherReasonWhyWeHaveDelayedMovingHerOutOfOurRoom

We need to have a look at the radiator. We did think about doing the sleep training but it had been really cold – last night was not so bad.

#TiagoSaidIShouldGoBackToSleepButICouldNotSleepUntilSheFellAsleep

He wanted me to sleep, but I couldn’t. I wish I had been more productive with the three hours but oh well.

#ThisMorningWeGotUpJustBefore8AsWeWereAllSoTired

I do not like getting up so late as her naps have to be super short. Maybe she will sleep slightly earlier as she had less sleep last night, but probably not.

#SoonHopefullyWeWillAllBeGettingUpAt7FeelingGreat

Lol. Doubt it.

#WeHaveStartedToGiveHerMoreMilkBeforeSheGoesToBedInHopeThatWeCanDropTheDreamfeed

She is starting to drink more water during the day, but not loads so she probably does need a good drink before bed.

#TiagoTriedToDoADreamfeedLastNightButBBarelyDrankAnySoSheDidGoALongTimeWithoutBeingFed

We gave her 5oz of milk before bed, and tried to give her 6oz at the dreamfeed but she drank 2oz. If we had given her 7oz before bed, she would have had the same amount right? That’s what we’ll try tonight.

#SheEatsFairlyWellDuringTheDayButMaybeNowSheWillEatMoreIfSheReallyIsHungry

I have been a bit worried that she has been not eating as much as she should as she is having a lot of calories at night? Let’s see. She did used to go from 10pm to 6/7am without a feed, so I know she can do it.

We have just been feeding her more as she has been teething, but apparently teething will not have that much of an impact on sleep.

#InMyLastEntryISaidThatBHadStoppedScreamingOnHerFrontInHerCot #WellSheHasStartedToDoThatAgain

Typical. Last night some of trips to B’s room did involve rolling her back over. We need to get her to learn how to roll back asap.

#ButThenAgainTheOtherNightSheWasScreamingALotAndIPickedHerUpToSootheHerAndSheBurped #SoThatWasALessonInRememberingToWindBEvenAfterMealsWhereSheHasJustHadWater

I think now that she is older I forget that sometimes she does need to be burped.

(6th February: I still keep forgetting to do this. Whoops.)

#IAmStillFeelingStressedOutByBsMealsEvenThoughIKnowSheIsGettingAGoodBalancedDiet #TiagoWentToTheSupermarketLastNightSoHopefullyICanTryToMakeSomeNewDishesForHer

I spend too much time worrying about B and her meals.

#HopefullyWeArePastTheWorstNightOfTheSleepTraining #WeAreGoingToTryToNotGiveBHerDummyNowAsSheJustConstantlyDropsItInHerCotAndSheIsNotToCleverAtPuttingItBackInHerself

It makes sense to stop giving her one as she doesn’t use it at any other point during the day. I wish we had never started to give her one but oh well. It seemed right at the time.

(6th February: I have been thinking a lot about this after saying that. We lived in a flat before and I was super worried about annoying the neighbours, so it made sense.)

#WeUsuallyCoverUpHerHandsButLastNightIDidNotInHopeThatSheMightComfortHerself #ButThisMorningHerHandsWereFreezingAndIJustNeedToMakeSureThatHerNailsAreFiledWellAsSheEasilyScratchesHerself

Yesterday I did not cover her hands during a nap and she has a scratch on her nose. Last night before she went to bed I filed her nails, but it seems like they need to be filed ALL THE TIME. They are always sharp. We just need to keep her room warm and as soon as she starts crying we should turn it on – we need to get one of those smart plugs where we can control it from a phone. I just ordered one…


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Portrait Of A Mother Of A 7 Month Old (13th January 2021)

Me looking at the camera with my head resting on my knee.
Portrait Of A Mother Of A 7 Month Old (13th January 2021)
 
#ICanNotBelieveThatBIs7MonthsAlready
#ButWhatIsWeirderIsThatSheWasNotEvenBornYetWhenThePandemicStarted
#SinceMyLastEntryBHasSleptBellyDownAFewTimesNow
#WeShouldProbablyGetABabyMonitorButEveryTimeILookAtThemIFeelABitOverwhelmedByHowManyThereAre
#WeJustSeemToHaveGotByWithoutOneSoFarSoMaybeWeDoNotReallyNeedOne
#IDoNotThinkThatIHaveMentionedThatBsHairSeemsToBeGrowingALotMoreSinceSheHasStartedToEatSolids
#ISwearThatSheChangesSoMuchFromDayToDay
#SheSeemsToHaveDiscoveredBlowingRaspberriesAgainAndWasDoingItAt3InTheMorning
#MyLastShootLeftMeFeelingABitSoreAsItWasQuiteAWorkout
#IHaveBeenReadingTinaTurnersBookAboutChangingYourLifeForGood
#ItIsAnInterestingReadAndIAlreadyFeelMorePositiveAboutThings
#IKnowThatICanNotChangeEverythingThatHappensToMeButICanChangeHowIReactToThings
#IFeelMorePositiveButShortTermChangesAreEasyWhereasTheHarderThingIsImplementingChangesForALongPeriodOfTime
#AtTheWeekendIGotReallyAnnoyedOnAWalkAsIRealisedThatNoOneReallyKeepsTheirDistanceAnymore
#WeWalkInSingleFileButThenThePeopleWeAreGoingPastJustWalkSideBySide
#NowIHaveStartedToWalkOnTheGrassAwayFromPeopleMore
#ItAnnoysMeThatIHaveToDoItButIWouldRatherDoThatThenGetAnnoyedWhenTheyWalkTooClose
#YesterdayIWasOutWithBAndWeWereComingToAPointWhereTwoPathsConnect
#SomeoneWasWalkingOnTheOtherPathSoIThoughtIHadBetterHurryUpToGetOntoTheMainPathBeforeThem
#ICouldHearThemWalkingSoCloseToMeAndIWasGettingAnnoyed
#IStoppedAtAPointWhereTheyCouldWalkPastMeAndWhenITurnedToGlareAtThemNoOneWasThere
#ILookedDownAndIHadALeafStuckToMyBootThatWasMakingTheNoise
#IHaveNotBeenReadingTheNewsSoMuchAndNoOneKnowsWhenThisLockdownWillEnd
#TheDaysAreLongYetShortAtTheSameTimeButIHavePlentyToDoToKeepMeBusy
#IFeelBadWhenISitAndDoNothingThoughNowIHaveSomePaidResearchWorkToDoSoIWillHaveLessTimeToFaffAnyways
#INeedToGetBetterAtRelaxingAndLearnToBeAbleToReadABookAnywhere
#AtTheMomentIOnlyLikeToReadInBedButLastNightILostAboutAnHourOfGoodReadingTimeByJustFaffingOnMyPhoneElsewhere
#IFedBFishYesterdayAndItSmelledHorribleSoIThinkIWillLeaveFishyMealsToTiago
#IAlsoNeedToStopFeelingGuiltyAboutBSpendingTimeWithMyNanAndMum
#TheyAreHappyToHelpAndIAmSureALotOfPeopleWouldLoveTheExtraSupportSoINeedToJustAppreciateWhatIHaveAndNotFeelBadAboutIt

#ICanNotBelieveThatBIs7MonthsAlready

I am glad that I have this project to look back on, as the time has gone by so fast. I was looking at photos of B when she was super small the other day and it seemed like years ago…

#ButWhatIsWeirderIsThatSheWasNotEvenBornYetWhenThePandemicStarted

I know this has all been going on for a long time, but it just shows how long it has been.

#SinceMyLastEntryBHasSleptBellyDownAFewTimesNow

I have stopped rolling her back now if she is quiet and calm. She has only really done it during her short naps anyways.

#WeShouldProbablyGetABabyMonitorButEveryTimeILookAtThemIFeelABitOverwhelmedByHowManyThereAre #WeJustSeemToHaveGotByWithoutOneSoFarSoMaybeWeDoNotReallyNeedOne

There have been times where we have gone to get one, but T and I really need to sit down together to look – which hasn’t happened yet.

#IDoNotThinkThatIHaveMentionedThatBsHairSeemsToBeGrowingALotMoreSinceSheHasStartedToEatSolids

Maybe I have? It just seems to have grown a lot in the past month or so.

#ISwearThatSheChangesSoMuchFromDayToDay

Her face can look so different from day to day. Her hair colour seems to change from day to day.

#SheSeemsToHaveDiscoveredBlowingRaspberriesAgainAndWasDoingItAt3InTheMorning

Yesterday we were walking past an older couple and she started to do it. I felt a little embarrassed but also found it quite funny.

#MyLastShootLeftMeFeelingABitSoreAsItWasQuiteAWorkout

When you see just the selected photo it doesn’t look like much, but when you think that I rarely take just one shot then you can imagine how it might have made my muscles hurt the next day…

#IHaveBeenReadingTinaTurnersBookAboutChangingYourLifeForGood #ItIsAnInterestingReadAndIAlreadyFeelMorePositiveAboutThings

Happiness Becomes You: A Guide to Changing Your Life for Good by Tina Turner’.

I’m just taking the bits from it that I think will be helpful. Am I going to start chanting? Not sure, but I think I do need to have a phrase or something to mutter under my breath from time to time.

#IKnowThatICanNotChangeEverythingThatHappensToMeButICanChangeHowIReactToThings

I have known this for years, but something has just clicked in my mind in the last week.

#IFeelMorePositiveButShortTermChangesAreEasyWhereasTheHarderThingIsImplementingChangesForALongPeriodOfTime

I am good at short term changes, but yeah sustaining things for the long term is the challenge. I think my mood diary is also helping me to really think about how I am feeling and why. I am trying to be better at communicating as well.

#AtTheWeekendIGotReallyAnnoyedOnAWalkAsIRealisedThatNoOneReallyKeepsTheirDistanceAnymore #WeWalkInSingleFileButThenThePeopleWeAreGoingPastJustWalkSideBySide

I do not get it. Also if you are running you should be making the biggest effort to get out of the way of people you are going past.

The other day there a lot of people blocking the path while chatting with their dogs. I walked on the grass to get away from them, but then a guy was about to walk right next to to me on the grass, so I had to move even further away.

This is boring. I am supposed to be more positive. I just want to vent about it though.

If you’re going to chat on opposite sides of a path when you have space to be stood on the same side – stand on the same side. I don’t like having to awkwardly walk through someone’s conversation and be super close to people.

#NowIHaveStartedToWalkOnTheGrassAwayFromPeopleMore #ItAnnoysMeThatIHaveToDoItButIWouldRatherDoThatThenGetAnnoyedWhenTheyWalkTooClose

Instead of seeing what people do and getting annoyed about it, I just walk on the grass and feel annoyed for having to do so, but feel less annoyed at people. I think it works out. Maybe?

#YesterdayIWasOutWithBAndWeWereComingToAPointWhereTwoPathsConnect #SomeoneWasWalkingOnTheOtherPathSoIThoughtIHadBetterHurryUpToGetOntoTheMainPathBeforeThem #ICouldHearThemWalkingSoCloseToMeAndIWasGettingAnnoyed #IStoppedAtAPointWhereTheyCouldWalkPastMeAndWhenITurnedToGlareAtThemNoOneWasThere #ILookedDownAndIHadALeafStuckToMyBootThatWasMakingTheNoise

It made me laugh. They’d gone down the path that I was walking on, but it’s a weird bit where generally everyone is walking to get onto the main path – though obviously not in this case.

#IHaveNotBeenReadingTheNewsSoMuchAndNoOneKnowsWhenThisLockdownWillEnd

I just had to have a look. Mid-February maybe? I don’t know. In my mind I had it as April, so maybe it’s best to keep thinking that and be surprised if it’s sooner?

#TheDaysAreLongYetShortAtTheSameTimeButIHavePlentyToDoToKeepMeBusy

I have made a schedule for my own work, which is quite nice.

#IFeelBadWhenISitAndDoNothingThoughNowIHaveSomePaidResearchWorkToDoSoIWillHaveLessTimeToFaffAnyways

I was looking forward to taking part in a writing workshop for a couple of weeks, but B’s sleep went bad. Good job I turned it down, as the paid work is more important right now. I’d like to do a writing/poetry/creative writing course at some point though.

#INeedToGetBetterAtRelaxingAndLearnToBeAbleToReadABookAnywhere #AtTheMomentIOnlyLikeToReadInBedButLastNightILostAboutAnHourOfGoodReadingTimeByJustFaffingOnMyPhoneElsewhere

I do not like faffing on my phone. I am really enjoying reading, so I need to just be able to sit down anywhere in the house and read. It is relaxing, yet I feel productive?

#IFedBFishYesterdayAndItSmelledHorribleSoIThinkIWillLeaveFishyMealsToTiago

She likes to mush her hands into everything these days, then grab one of your fingers while she eats.

#IAlsoNeedToStopFeelingGuiltyAboutBSpendingTimeWithMyNanAndMum #TheyAreHappyToHelpAndIAmSureALotOfPeopleWouldLoveTheExtraSupportSoINeedToJustAppreciateWhatIHaveAndNotFeelBadAboutIt

My Nan will just hold B while I warm B’s food up and things. Nothing major. My Mum watched B for an hour yesterday while I did some research work, which I felt bad about but it needs to be done. I also feel guilty when T watches B, even though he is her Dad. I need to learn to accept help and appreciate it, as if I didn’t have it I’m sure I’d want it!


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Have Started To Balance Things On My Head For B’s Amusement (30th December 2020)

I Have Started To Balance Things On My Head For B’s Amusement (30th December 2020)
 
#ItIs9InTheMorningAndBIsHavingANap
#WeMadeAnEffortToStartTheDayAt7TodayThoughYesterdayItWasMoreLike5
#IFeelLikeBJustHadAReallyFunHourAndIWishICouldBeThatHighEnergyAllDayWithHer
#LotsOfSingingSongsAndLiftingHerIntoTheAirAndReadingBooksEtc
#TheOtherDayIHadARagingHeadacheAndStillManagedToPretendToBeAHorseWhileSingingTheWilliamTellOverture
#WeBounceHerUpAndDownWhileWeSingItButWeGetExtraGigglesIfOneOfUsIsAHorseToo
#IAlsoLoveHowILookForwardToHavingMeTimeButThenISpendSomeOfItLookingAtPicturesAndVideosOfHer
#SheHasBeenABitGrumpyTheLastFewDaysBecauseOfTeething
#WeWentToMyParentsHouseTheOtherDayForTheFirstTimeInMonths
#WeAreAllowedToBeInASupportBubbleWithThemAsBIsUnder1
#BWasCryingAsSheDidNotRecogniseMyDadAndWasEvenBeingFunnyWithMyMumEvenThoughSheSeesHerAFewTimesAWeek
#IHopeTheTeethingStopsForABitSoonAsIFeelBadForB
#INeedToStopMakingHerNewFoodAndUseWhatWeHaveInTheFreezer
#ISuddenlyRealisedYesterdayThatSoonSheWillBe7MonthsAndCanStartEatingOtherThings
#AndWeHaveAFreezerFullOfHomemadeBabyFoodAndNoSpareTubsForNewStuff
#IThinkIAmGivingHerTooMuchPorridgeInTheMorningAsSheDoesNotLikeToEatMuchForLunch
#ButSheGenerallyAlwaysEatsHerPorridgeSoIUsuallyMakeABatchWhichIsEnoughFor3Days
#YesterdayIMadeSomeCourgetteSpringOnionRiceWithCheese
#SheDidNotSeemImpressedByItButIEnjoyedEatingSome
#TodaySheMightEatItAllSoYouNeverKnowThoughIWillTryGivingItToHerForDinnerRatherThanLunch
#InOtherNewsIHaveCompletedMyKegelsApp
#WellItIsNotCompletedAsKegelsAreForLifeNotJustUntilYouReachTheHardestLevel
#TheyAreSoTimeConsumingNowAndIProbablyDoNotDoThemThatWellButIGuessSomeIsBetterThanNone
#INeedToGoOnATrampolineAndSeeHowEffectiveTheyReallyAre
#IAlsoNeedToStopTalkingSoMuchRubbishToPeople
#IJustGetVerbalDiarrhoeaAndAfterwardsICringeAtAllOfTheThingsThatIHaveSaid
#IHaveSaidItBeforeButIThinkThisPandemicHasImpactedMySocialSkills
#ObviouslyWorseThingsHaveHappenedToALotOfPeopleButItIsAWeirdSideEffect
#ThoughReallyIThinkMySocialSkillsHaveAlwaysBeenBadAndIAmJustMoreAwareOfThingsAtTheMoment
#ItHasSnowedTheLastCoupleOfDaysAndBSeemsALittleIntriguedByItButObviouslyICanNotFindOutWhatSheReallyThinksAboutItAll

(The photo is of me stacking B’s cups on my head – thanks to my sister for sending these! B was actually having a nap when I did this, so she wasn’t harmed by my failed attempts. She didn’t even wake up at the sound of them all falling! I usually put just one on my head to amuse her…)

This post is fuelled by Nights On Broadway by the Bee Gees. I’m writing this on 30th December 2020 – and I can not believe that this year is nearly over. Do I think 2021 will be much different? Hmm…

#ItIs9InTheMorningAndBIsHavingANap #WeMadeAnEffortToStartTheDayAt7TodayThoughYesterdayItWasMoreLike5

I need to wake her up in about 20 minutes, so I need to write quick.

#IFeelLikeBJustHadAReallyFunHourAndIWishICouldBeThatHighEnergyAllDayWithHer #LotsOfSingingSongsAndLiftingHerIntoTheAirAndReadingBooksEtc

In the morning I can not be bothered to leave our bedroom, so I usually get B’s milk (which I do have to leave the room for) and Tiago feeds her while I do yoga. Then he goes off to shower and start work, while I entertain B until naptime.

I think there are less distractions in our room (well there is no TV), so it’s generally better quality time. We didn’t have a TV in Liverpool and my Nan is usually watching it – I should really move B’s stuff away from the TV.

#TheOtherDayIHadARagingHeadacheAndStillManagedToPretendToBeAHorseWhileSingingTheWilliamTellOverture #WeBounceHerUpAndDownWhileWeSingItButWeGetExtraGigglesIfOneOfUsIsAHorseToo

I just randomly started to do it one day and she laughed. Anything that makes her laugh is a winner obviously. She was so grumpy from teething that I wanted to cheer her up, so I didn’t care that my head was pounding.

#IAlsoLoveHowILookForwardToHavingMeTimeButThenISpendSomeOfItLookingAtPicturesAndVideosOfHer

We made some videos the other day of B giggling from T just putting his finger in his mouth and then suddenly pointing the same finger (yeah, really non-exciting stuff but B loves it). I can hear Tiago watching them all the time…

#SheHasBeenABitGrumpyTheLastFewDaysBecauseOfTeething

🙁

#WeWentToMyParentsHouseTheOtherDayForTheFirstTimeInMonths #WeAreAllowedToBeInASupportBubbleWithThemAsBIsUnder1 #BWasCryingAsSheDidNotRecogniseMyDadAndWasEvenBeingFunnyWithMyMumEvenThoughSheSeesHerAFewTimesAWeek

My Mum usually comes to us as she does some chores for my Nan. I think B was just a bit weirded out by being in a new place and maybe she didn’t recognise my Mum in a different place? She’s seen my Dad once before since we moved, but that was at my Nan’s house (where we live) and so she was okay with it. Babies are weird…

#IHopeTheTeethingStopsForABitSoonAsIFeelBadForB

Things would be so much easier if she could communicate.

#INeedToStopMakingHerNewFoodAndUseWhatWeHaveInTheFreezer #ISuddenlyRealisedYesterdayThatSoonSheWillBe7MonthsAndCanStartEatingOtherThings #AndWeHaveAFreezerFullOfHomemadeBabyFoodAndNoSpareTubsForNewStuff

We also have quite a few 4-6 months pouches. I guess I can just add other things to them if we don’t get through it all.

#IThinkIAmGivingHerTooMuchPorridgeInTheMorningAsSheDoesNotLikeToEatMuchForLunch #ButSheGenerallyAlwaysEatsHerPorridgeSoIUsuallyMakeABatchWhichIsEnoughFor3Days

I find it filling and I don’t know how she eats as much as she does. No wonder she doesn’t eat much lunch.

#YesterdayIMadeSomeCourgetteSpringOnionRiceWithCheese #SheDidNotSeemImpressedByItButIEnjoyedEatingSome

Soon we should start just giving her a bit of our dinners, but I worry that she might not get as much variety. I do really need to sit down and do a meal plan. At the moment we’ve been getting those recipe boxes a bit – they’re good, but sometimes it can feel quite overwhelming to finish everything.

#TodaySheMightEatItAllSoYouNeverKnowThoughIWillTryGivingItToHerForDinnerRatherThanLunch

There’s a butternut squash dish that I make for her. The first time she loved it, the second time she didn’t, and the third time she loved it. I also need to stop giving her new dishes when I am in a rush to go out – we were going out for a walk to meet a Mum and her baby.

#InOtherNewsIHaveCompletedMyKegelsApp

I did not even know it was possible.

#WellItIsNotCompletedAsKegelsAreForLifeNotJustUntilYouReachTheHardestLevel

Yes.

#TheyAreSoTimeConsumingNowAndIProbablyDoNotDoThemThatWellButIGuessSomeIsBetterThanNone #INeedToGoOnATrampolineAndSeeHowEffectiveTheyReallyAre

The app is really good – Kegel Exercises – with daily reminders and I feel guilty if I do not do them. I still remember a midwife on the ward telling us all to do them, otherwise we’ll regret it when we’re older.

#IAlsoNeedToStopTalkingSoMuchRubbishToPeople

And perhaps in these hashtags.

#IJustGetVerbalDiarrhoeaAndAfterwardsICringeAtAllOfTheThingsThatIHaveSaid

There are many conversations that I have had with people from baby classes which I wish I could start over.

#IHaveSaidItBeforeButIThinkThisPandemicHasImpactedMySocialSkills #ObviouslyWorseThingsHaveHappenedToALotOfPeopleButItIsAWeirdSideEffect

I just have flashbacks to things I have said and cringe, all the time.

#ThoughReallyIThinkMySocialSkillsHaveAlwaysBeenBadAndIAmJustMoreAwareOfThingsAtTheMoment

Yeah, my people skills have always been rubbish, but they seem to be getting worse.

I am also guilty of being quite hard on myself. Maybe people think the same about what they have said to me, but I rarely think ‘oh, why did they say that?’ or something along those lines.

#ItHasSnowedTheLastCoupleOfDaysAndBSeemsALittleIntriguedByItButObviouslyICanNotFindOutWhatSheReallyThinksAboutItAll

I have said it 100 times, but what is B thinking? I would love to know.

(Cue that Think About Things song by Daði Freyr.)


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Tiago’s Second Home Haircut (26th December 2020)

Tiago’s Second Home Haircut (26th December 2020)
 
#IAmWritingThisAt6ThirtyInTheMorningAsBHasAlreadyBeenUpForAboutAnHour
#SheHasBeenWakingUpACoupleOfTimesInTheNightButSleepingQuiteWellInGeneral
#SoLastNightWeStayedUpLateWatchingPearlHarbourWhichIHadRecordedACoupleOfWeeksAgo
#TheNightBeforeWeHadStayedUpNotAsLateWatchingADocumentaryAboutTheBeeGees
#IThinkTonightItWillBeAnEarlyNightForUsThoughWeWillProbablyNapWhenSheHasHerFirstNap
#TiagoHasFourDaysOffForXmasSoIHaveBeenHavingALittleMoreOfABreak
#IFeelGuiltyAboutItThough
#YesterdayIFeltLikeICouldHaveStayedInBedForAWeekAsISuddenlyFeltSoDown
#TheCodingCourseSeemsALotHarderAndIAmHavingALotLessFeelingSmartMoments
#YesIDidDoABitOfCodingAndGeneralWorkOnChristmasDay
#ItIsStillAboutAnotherWeekUntilMyPhoneCallAssessmentWithTheServiceThatMyHealthVisitorSuggested
#IAmFindingItHardToSeeSocialMediaPostsAboutPeopleAndTheirBabies
#IThinkItIsBecauseItAllLooksSoEasyForEveryoneElseThoughIKnowThatEveryoneOnlyUsuallyTriesToShowTheirBestSelvesOnSocialMedia
#AfterGoingToTheHairdressersIRealisedThatTheCystOnMyHeadIsQuiteVisibleNow
#WellItIsMoreTheBaldPatchThatSurroundsIt
#IHaveProbablyHadItForAtLeastAYearAndAHalfButItHasGotBiggerAsIMessWithItWhenIGetStressed
#AndPregnancyAndCovidAndThingsHaveBeenStressful
#IAmTalkingAboutItNowToShameMyselfIntoStopMessingWithItButIKnowThatIWillProbablyNot
#ICouldGetItRemovedButApparentlyTheyUsuallyGrowBack
#IJustSearchEnginedCystOnHeadAndIFeelABitBetterAboutItAllAsThereAreSomeHugeOnesOutThere
#AnywaysWeReallyNeedToMoveBOutOfTheBassinetOnHerCotAndIntoTheBottomBit
#ItIsRidiculousHowMuchSheHasGrownIn6Months
#IGuessWeAreStallingBecauseItWillBeALotMoreAnnoyingToGetHerOutOfItAndWeWillNotBeAbleToRockHerAsEasily
#YesterdayWeMadeHerSomeNiceMealsButSheDidNotSeemThatIntoThem
#WhichIsProbablyWhySheWokeUpSoEarlyTodayAsWhenSheEatsWellSheSeemsToSleepBetter
#IThinkIHaveFinallyGivenUpWithBreastfeedingNowAsSheHasHadAFewDaysOfNotWantingToBreastfeedSoIGaveUpAFewDaysAgo
#IThinkIFindItDifficultSeeingSoManyPostsAndReferencesAboutBreastfeedingAsIFeelABitGuiltyAboutItThoughItWasUltimatelyBsChoice
#ButAlsoIFeelBadThatThingsIHavePostedInThePastMightHaveMadeOthersFeelBadAboutThemselvesForWhateverReason
#TheShootWasMeantToBeAFamilyPortaitSessionButTiagoAskedMeToCutHisHairAgainSoIThoughtIShouldDocumentIt
#IThoughtIHadDoneABetterJobThanLastTimeButNowIAmNotSoSureAndIMightNeedToNeatenItUpMoreLater

#IAmWritingThisAt6ThirtyInTheMorningAsBHasAlreadyBeenUpForAboutAnHour

I can hear B giggling at T from here. I’m also listening to Sparrow Sleeps – which are lullaby versions of songs that I liked when I was a teen. I’ve been listening to Relient K, but now I see they have albums of Say Anything and Alkaline Trio… It’s quite nice to write to as I don’t get so distracted by the lyrics though I am kind of singing along anyways.

(I wrote this on 26th December and I’d already forgot about Sparrow Sleeps, so thanks to me for the reminder!)

#SheHasBeenWakingUpACoupleOfTimesInTheNightButSleepingQuiteWellInGeneral #SoLastNightWeStayedUpLateWatchingPearlHarbourWhichIHadRecordedACoupleOfWeeksAgo #TheNightBeforeWeHadStayedUpNotAsLateWatchingADocumentaryAboutTheBeeGees

We thought that we were cursing things by staying up late two nights ago, but as she slept fairly well we just ended up watching the whole of Pearl Harbour. I thought I would turn it off at 11pm, but there seemed like no point as we were so close to the end.

#IThinkTonightItWillBeAnEarlyNightForUsThoughWeWillProbablyNapWhenSheHasHerFirstNap

Well, Tiago says when I am finished that he will probably have a nap.

#TiagoHasFourDaysOffForXmasSoIHaveBeenHavingALittleMoreOfABreak #IFeelGuiltyAboutItThough

Tiago says I can’t win as I feel bad for wanting more time for myself, but when I do I feel guilty about it and don’t really enjoy it.

T fed B all her meals yesterday (though dinner didn’t go well so I gave it a go). I tried to just read my book (The Sanest Guy In The Room by Don Black), but I kept getting distracted by my Nan and life. I usually read e-books now, but this is a physical book that my Mum got me for my birthday.

#YesterdayIFeltLikeICouldHaveStayedInBedForAWeekAsISuddenlyFeltSoDown

Though the feeling passed a bit after 20ish minutes in bed, when I felt guilty for being there.

#TheCodingCourseSeemsALotHarderAndIAmHavingALotLessFeelingSmartMoments

It sucks feeling dumb, but I am halfway through it now so I just need to get on and finish it.

#YesIDidDoABitOfCodingAndGeneralWorkOnChristmasDay

To be fair I think I always do work a bit on Xmas, and now it makes more sense than ever as Tiago is off and I work when I have the chance.

A couple of photos from my Neblina series were taken on Xmas day.

#ItIsStillAboutAnotherWeekUntilMyPhoneCallAssessmentWithTheServiceThatMyHealthVisitorSuggested

I felt like I didn’t need to speak to them anymore, but my mood does go up and down a lot. I know they won’t be able to help with some things (they won’t be able to give me time off – though like I’ve said before I don’t want time away from B), but maybe it might help me to try to change myself for the better.

#IAmFindingItHardToSeeSocialMediaPostsAboutPeopleAndTheirBabies #IThinkItIsBecauseItAllLooksSoEasyForEveryoneElseThoughIKnowThatEveryoneOnlyUsuallyTriesToShowTheirBestSelvesOnSocialMedia

It’s so stupid that it gets to me. I know that most of social media is fake and most people don’t show their true feelings etc. I am happy for other people, but it says a lot more about me than it does about them.

#AfterGoingToTheHairdressersIRealisedThatTheCystOnMyHeadIsQuiteVisibleNow

Talking about my cyst is just making me think of RuPaul’s Drag Race…

#WellItIsMoreTheBaldPatchThatSurroundsIt #IHaveProbablyHadItForAtLeastAYearAndAHalfButItHasGotBiggerAsIMessWithItWhenIGetStressed #AndPregnancyAndCovidAndThingsHaveBeenStressful #IAmTalkingAboutItNowToShameMyselfIntoStopMessingWithItButIKnowThatIWillProbablyNot #ICouldGetItRemovedButApparentlyTheyUsuallyGrowBack

I’m also currently reading a book about periods (Period by Emma Barnett) and it says something about talking about them being quite off limits for a lot of people. Well, I’ve now talked about periods and cysts in my project so…

#IJustSearchEnginedCystOnHeadAndIFeelABitBetterAboutItAllAsThereAreSomeHugeOnesOutThere

Another fun thing about getting older.

#AnywaysWeReallyNeedToMoveBOutOfTheBassinetOnHerCotAndIntoTheBottomBit #ItIsRidiculousHowMuchSheHasGrownIn6Months #IGuessWeAreStallingBecauseItWillBeALotMoreAnnoyingToGetHerOutOfItAndWeWillNotBeAbleToRockHerAsEasily

It is unbelievable how much babies grow in the first six months though. I remember my friend sending us a 6 month onesie for B and thinking nah she is never going to be that big in 6 months time. Well, she is…

#YesterdayWeMadeHerSomeNiceMealsButSheDidNotSeemThatIntoThem

Carrot porridge (she eats that up every day, butternut squash with almond butter and cinnamon (she ate that all up the day before), and aubergine with red pepper and cous cous (she barely ate any).

#WhichIsProbablyWhySheWokeUpSoEarlyTodayAsWhenSheEatsWellSheSeemsToSleepBetter

We give her a lot of water with meals and between if she doesn’t have milk. We give her a milk feed in the morning and in the evening, but after her terrible dinner we gave her milk to make sure she had enough. I think she was just teething really badly and food was irritating her. Possibly?

#IThinkIHaveFinallyGivenUpWithBreastfeedingNowAsSheHasHadAFewDaysOfNotWantingToBreastfeedSoIGaveUpAFewDaysAgo #IThinkIFindItDifficultSeeingSoManyPostsAndReferencesAboutBreastfeedingAsIFeelABitGuiltyAboutItThoughItWasUltimatelyBsChoice

B didn’t want to anymore, so I shouldn’t feel bad about it though I feel like I might have jumped to formula a bit too quick before.. You never know. She wasn’t feeding well and we were moving, so it seemed like the best thing to do to make sure she was getting enough.

I feel like the whole breastfeeding journey has been very up and down. There are a lot of what ifs… but I do just need to let it go. Easier said than done.

#ButAlsoIFeelBadThatThingsIHavePostedInThePastMightHaveMadeOthersFeelBadAboutThemselvesForWhateverReason

And possible future posts. I need to talk about my need to gravitate to talk about negative things all the time; this is something I have felt about addressing for a while.

I guess I’ll save it for a future reflective post.

#TheShootWasMeantToBeAFamilyPortaitSessionButTiagoAskedMeToCutHisHairAgainSoIThoughtIShouldDocumentIt #IThoughtIHadDoneABetterJobThanLastTimeButNowIAmNotSoSureAndIMightNeedToNeatenItUpMoreLater

Well, I guess the next shoot can be a family portrait.

Tiago asked if I could cut his hair tonight, but my Mum was round so she looked after B while I did it. I did feel very nervous, but like last time I quickly got into it. It is quite therapeutic, but hopefully next time I’ll do a better job of it.

I never like how hair looks when it’s just been cut, so maybe it will look better in a few days. I do need to work out there not being such an abrupt change in length in hair between sections though.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Portrait Of A Mother Of A 6 Month Old (16th December 2020)

Portrait Of A Mother Of A 6 Month Old (16th December 2020)
 
#IHaveBeenFeelingMuchBetterThisWeek
#IDecidedToStartMyFinalCodingCourseYesterday
#IHadBeenPuttingItOffButIHadPaidForItAlreadyAndIDoubtMuchWillHappenInTheNextMonth
#IAmStressedAboutDoingItButAtTheSameTimeIFeelReallyGoodWhenIGetThingsRight
#LastWeekIFeltTerribleAndIWouldJustFeedBInTheNightIfSheWokeUp
#ThenSheWouldUsuallySleepUntil8Or8Thirty
#ButThenIWouldFeelGuiltyForGettingUpSoLateAndSheWouldHaveToHaveShorterNapsInTheDayAndEndUpGoingToBedCloserTo8
#TheLast3MorningsWeHaveAimedToGetUpAround7
#ThoughYesterdaySheWasAwakeAt5ThirtyAndAt6IGaveUpAndFedHer
#ButIGotALotDoneDuringHerNaps
#WeWentToABabyClassAndSheFellAsleepOnTheWayBackSoWeEndedUpPuttingHerToBedAround6Thirty
#SheWokeUpAt9ishAndWeFedHerThen
#ButWhenSheWokeUpAt2ITriedForLongerToPutHerBackToSleepWithoutFeedingHerAsIKnewSheWasNotHungryAndWantedToSleep
#SheIsEatingALotOfFoodDuringTheDaySoSheShouldNotNeedFeedingSoMuchAtNight
#YesterdayIMadeButterbeanAndAvocadoForHer
#ButIPutTooMuchLemonInItAndItDidNotGoWell
#IShouldNotTryNewRecipesBeforeSheHasAClassAsIGotSuperStressedWorryingThatSheHadNotHadEnoughToEat
#AndWeEndedUpMakingItToClassJustOnTimeWhenIHadPlannedToBeALittleEarly
#MyMumHadBroughtSomeOutfitsRoundForHerAndIHadWantedToPutHerInOne
#NopeSheWoreAOnesieLikeSheHasDoneForHerWholeExistence
#IAmJustGoingToTryAddingSomeCarrotsToHerLeftoverFood
#IfSheDoesNotLikeItThenIWillJustHaveToEatIt
#IForgotToMentionInMyLastEntryThatThereIsAWaitingTimeOf3To6WeeksForTheServiceThatMyHealthVisitorToldMeToRing
#ItHappensALotWhereIFeelLikeINeedHelpForALongTime
#WhenIEventuallyAskForHelpThereIsAlwaysALongWaitingList
#ThenByTheTimeTheyGetRoundToGettingBackInTouchIFeelALotBetter
#IHaveAlwaysBeenVeryUpAndDownThough
#AndMyWorkPlaysABigPartInIt
#GettingUpEarlierAndGivingMyselfMoreOfAChanceToGetThingsDoneDefinitelyMakesMeFeelBetter
#ThoughThereWillBeDaysWhereIDoJustNeedToSleepThroughHerNapsAndThatIsFineToo

#IHaveBeenFeelingMuchBetterThisWeek

Last week I just felt awful (I’m writing this on 16th December). I just wanted to lie in bed at any opportunity, and I cried a lot.

#IDecidedToStartMyFinalCodingCourseYesterday #IHadBeenPuttingItOffButIHadPaidForItAlreadyAndIDoubtMuchWillHappenInTheNextMonth #IAmStressedAboutDoingItButAtTheSameTimeIFeelReallyGoodWhenIGetThingsRight

I saw a friend who asked how it was all going. I had forgotten about it, so I thought about starting next week but I thought it was best just to sign up and get on with it while I felt in the mood to.

I found that I was just faffing a lot in the evenings once B had gone to bed.

#LastWeekIFeltTerribleAndIWouldJustFeedBInTheNightIfSheWokeUp

We used to make more of an effort to try to get her to go back to sleep. She does sleep through the night at times, so I knew she couldn’t be that hungry, but feeding her is a quick way to make her go back to sleep.

#ThenSheWouldUsuallySleepUntil8Or8Thirty

Especially if it was 5am. I’d just be rushing to feed her as I knew she would definitely sleep for a long time afterwards. I don’t mind starting our day at 6, but 5 is too early. If she wakes up pre-6 and is being quiet it’s fine, but if she is screaming then something needs to happen.

#ButThenIWouldFeelGuiltyForGettingUpSoLateAndSheWouldHaveToHaveShorterNapsInTheDayAndEndUpGoingToBedCloserTo8

So basically I wouldn’t get anything done, which would make me feel worse and make me want to lie in bed and cry more.

#TheLast3MorningsWeHaveAimedToGetUpAround7

I like to do some yoga/stretching in the morning. We were getting up late and then T would have to get ready to start work, whereas if we get up at 7 he can feed B while I stretch. Though the last 2 days I’ve had to feed her and make other time for my yoga as T didn’t sleep very well two nights ago and this morning he had to go out to work for once (instead of working at home).

#ThoughYesterdaySheWasAwakeAt5ThirtyAndAt6IGaveUpAndFedHer #ButIGotALotDoneDuringHerNaps

At 6am it seemed like ‘fair enough, let’s just start the day and then in 2 hours she will be having a nap again, so I know I can get things done’. I’m not looking forward to her dropping another nap. Apparently it should be done between 7 and 9 months. I’m hoping it goes towards the end of the 9 months, but we’ll just have to see how B is.

#WeWentToABabyClassAndSheFellAsleepOnTheWayBackSoWeEndedUpPuttingHerToBedAround6Thirty

I did get a bit stressed out that she was asleep for so long. It feels weird that she should have dinner around 4ish, but I managed to stretch it until 4.30pm and then extended her awake time to 6.30ish. Apologies if some of this stuff is super boring.

#SheWokeUpAt9ishAndWeFedHerThen

T was just about to get into bed when she woke up. We do usually do a dream feed around 9.30/10 anyways. Sometimes we think about dropping it, but I have read that some people suggest doing it until 1 years old. I know some babies don’t have it, but it seems to work (at times) for us.

#ButWhenSheWokeUpAt2ITriedForLongerToPutHerBackToSleepWithoutFeedingHerAsIKnewSheWasNotHungryAndWantedToSleep #SheIsEatingALotOfFoodDuringTheDaySoSheShouldNotNeedFeedingSoMuchAtNight

I am surprised by how much she eats at times.

Also, when trying to put her back to sleep I usually put my hand on her chest and if she turns her head to the side quite quickly I know she wants to sleep. She was also lifting her legs up and throwing them down quick, which is another sign that she wants to sleep. I was about to get her some milk, but I realised that she wasn’t really crying much, so I tried one more time to see if she would sleep. I rubbed her forehead a little bit and eventually she went off.

I just read my book (André Leon Talley’s The Chiffon Trenches) a little bit, as sometimes it is better just to read and observe rather than try to go back to sleep and get annoyed when she won’t settle.

#YesterdayIMadeButterbeanAndAvocadoForHer #ButIPutTooMuchLemonInItAndItDidNotGoWell

Whoops. I have seen plenty of videos of animals and babies trying lemon for the first time, and she had a very similar look.

#IShouldNotTryNewRecipesBeforeSheHasAClassAsIGotSuperStressedWorryingThatSheHadNotHadEnoughToEat

She had a few spoons, then I got a pouch of food out of the cupboard but by that point I think she was too traumatised and wouldn’t take anything off of the spoon. I gave her 4 oz of milk, which she drank most of, but I worried it would not be enough.

#AndWeEndedUpMakingItToClassJustOnTimeWhenIHadPlannedToBeALittleEarly

I had wanted to go 10 minutes early to try to talk to other people. I did end up talking to someone which was nice, but the next class isn’t for a few weeks now.

#MyMumHadBroughtSomeOutfitsRoundForHerAndIHadWantedToPutHerInOne

‘Make sure you take some pictures’.

#NopeSheWoreAOnesieLikeSheHasDoneForHerWholeExistence

Annoyingly there was a cute photo op set up too. I feel like I can’t be bothered to dress her in outfits unless we go to class though. When we go out for walks she is usually in her pram suit, so no one can see.

I’m sure soon I’ll get used to putting her in other clothes…

#IAmJustGoingToTryAddingSomeCarrotsToHerLeftoverFood #IfSheDoesNotLikeItThenIWillJustHaveToEatIt

I already have butterbean dip to eat as the recipe didn’t ask for the whole tin of beans.

I made this one, since I had all of the ingredients.

#IForgotToMentionInMyLastEntryThatThereIsAWaitingTimeOf3To6WeeksForTheServiceThatMyHealthVisitorToldMeToRing #ItHappensALotWhereIFeelLikeINeedHelpForALongTime #WhenIEventuallyAskForHelpThereIsAlwaysALongWaitingList #ThenByTheTimeTheyGetRoundToGettingBackInTouchIFeelALotBetter

This definitely happened while I was making my Neblina project. By the time they call though I might feel like I need some help again. I definitely have reoccurring issues that I need help working on.

My work is therapeutic, but it can only do so much.

#IHaveAlwaysBeenVeryUpAndDownThough #AndMyWorkPlaysABigPartInIt #GettingUpEarlierAndGivingMyselfMoreOfAChanceToGetThingsDoneDefinitelyMakesMeFeelBetter

It’s nice to start the day feeling like I don’t have all of my to-do list hanging over me. That means I can give B more of my attention (not a stressed out Mum thinking about the many things I want/need to do).

#ThoughThereWillBeDaysWhereIDoJustNeedToSleepThroughHerNapsAndThatIsFineToo

The good thing about her going to bed earlier too (I’m going to aim for a 7pm bedtime in future) is that I usually get stuff done earlier, which means I can go to sleep earlier. I do like to read for about 30 minutes or so before I go to bed, though last week I was reading for about an hour at night. It was good, but sometimes I did read too much which I shouldn’t do as you never know when B will wake up.


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I Need To Just Focus On What I Have And Make The Best Of Things (8th December 2020)

Me with my head down on a table.
I Need To Just Focus On What I Have And Make The Best Of Things (8th December 2020)
 
#WellYesterdayStartedFineAndNormal
#BWokeUpEarlyButItWasManageable
#TiagoFedHerWhileIStretchedThenWePlayed
#PutHerDownForANapAfterTwoHoursAndIThoughtIWouldSleepToo
#SheSleptForAbout30MinutesAndIJustWokeUpFeelingBroken
#IFedHerSomeCauliflowerForTheFirstTimeWhichDidNotGoThatWell
#AndThenICouldNotStopCrying
#IWentToBedToCallTheNumberThatTheHealthVisitorHadGivenMe
#TheCallWasSoFrustratingAsTheLineWasNotGreatAndWeHadToKeepCallingEachOtherBack
#EventuallyTheyHadAllTheInformationWhichIProbablyCouldHaveJustFilledOutOnline
#IAmWaitingToHearBackAboutAnInitialConsultation
#TiagoBookedTheMorningOffWorkWhichMadeMeFeelBad
#ITookPicturesOfMeCryingButIDoNoWantToSharePicturesLikeThatAnymore
#ItFeelsLikeTooMuchAndLikeIAmAttentionSeeking
#SharingThisFeelsLikeIAmTooButIDoHopeThatBySharingThingsThatItMightInspireSomeoneElseToAskForHelp
#IDoNotWantTimeAwayFromBButIJustWorryThatIAmNotGivingHerEnough
#WeWentToAClassYesterdayAndItIsGoodToPassSomeTime
#ButItAlsoFeelsLikeGoingToHighSchoolAllOverAgain
#MumsUsuallyAlreadyHaveTheirLittleGroupsAndIJustFeelAwkward
#ISpokeToSomeoneAndSheSaidHeIsReallyCuteAboutB
#IFeltAwkwardCorrectingHerAndIThinkSheThenFeltAwkwardThoughIReallyDoNotMind
#SheIsUsuallyDressedInBlueSoIKindOfExpectPeopleToAutomaticallyCallHerABoy
#IUsuallySayHowOldIsYourLittleOneOrSomethingLikeThatToAvoidPossibleAwkwardness
#IThinkIAmNotTalkingToBEnough
#AtAClassTheOtherWeekINoticedThatOtherPeopleWereTalkingALotMoreToTheirBabies
#IThinkIMadeAGoodStartOnItThisMorningButItIsHardToHaveALotOfEnergyAllDayLong
#IJustNeedToKeepGoingOutAndHopefullySoonPeopleWillStartToRecogniseUsAndChatMore
#IGuessInAnIdealWorldWeWouldHaveMorePeopleToHangOutWithDuringTheWeekToHelpTheDaysGoByInAMoreFunWay
#ItWillProbablyHappenButNowIsNotTheBestTimeOfTheYearAndALotOfTheClassesAreVeryStopStart
#INeedToJustFocusOnWhatIHaveAndMakeTheBestOfThings

I’ve wrote these hashtags out so many times in my bed in the last 24 hours, and I think they could have been a lot better. Oh well. I’m writing this on 8th December.

Suddenly felt the need to listen to Shiny Happy People by R.E.M.

The song is about something darker, which is what I thought when it came into my head.

Anyways…

#WellYesterdayStartedFineAndNormal #BWokeUpEarlyButItWasManageable #TiagoFedHerWhileIStretchedThenWePlayed #PutHerDownForANapAfterTwoHoursAndIThoughtIWouldSleepToo #SheSleptForAbout30MinutesAndIJustWokeUpFeelingBroken

I was really looking forward to sleeping, but it does seem like an overreaction.

#IFedHerSomeCauliflowerForTheFirstTimeWhichDidNotGoThatWell #AndThenICouldNotStopCrying #IWentToBedToCallTheNumberThatTheHealthVisitorHadGivenMe #TheCallWasSoFrustratingAsTheLineWasNotGreatAndWeHadToKeepCallingEachOtherBack #EventuallyTheyHadAllTheInformationWhichIProbablyCouldHaveJustFilledOutOnline #IAmWaitingToHearBackAboutAnInitialConsultation

I had been thinking about calling for a few days, but the line was always closed when I felt like I should call.

#TiagoBookedTheMorningOffWorkWhichMadeMeFeelBad

I just felt awful that he felt the need to do it. It made me feel like I was really failing.

(This is not a criticism of him, it’s just how I felt.)

#ITookPicturesOfMeCryingButIDoNoWantToSharePicturesLikeThatAnymore #ItFeelsLikeTooMuchAndLikeIAmAttentionSeeking #SharingThisFeelsLikeIAmTooButIDoHopeThatBySharingThingsThatItMightInspireSomeoneElseToAskForHelp

This project is supposed to honest. It’s awkward at times, but I know I’m not the only new-ish Mum who feels like this.

#IDoNotWantTimeAwayFromBButIJustWorryThatIAmNotGivingHerEnough

I keep saying that I’d love a week off, but I do not want that time away from her. I know I will not get a week off and it will not fix everything anyways. I’ve been mothering for nearly 6 months now; I knew it would be intense but living it is completely different.

#WeWentToAClassYesterdayAndItIsGoodToPassSomeTime #ButItAlsoFeelsLikeGoingToHighSchoolAllOverAgain #MumsUsuallyAlreadyHaveTheirLittleGroupsAndIJustFeelAwkward #ISpokeToSomeoneAndSheSaidHeIsReallyCuteAboutB #IFeltAwkwardCorrectingHerAndIThinkSheThenFeltAwkwardThoughIReallyDoNotMind #SheIsUsuallyDressedInBlueSoIKindOfExpectPeopleToAutomaticallyCallHerABoy #IUsuallySayHowOldIsYourLittleOneOrSomethingLikeThatToAvoidPossibleAwkwardness

Oh classes. I love to pass the time and know that B is getting a lot of stimulation. It has brought a whole new set of concerns though – especially yesterday when she was due to have a nap when the class started. She slept to and from class and I’ve just had to let go of things. It is good for me.

But yeah, just feeling like the awkward new kid is no fun.

#IThinkIAmNotTalkingToBEnough #AtAClassTheOtherWeekINoticedThatOtherPeopleWereTalkingALotMoreToTheirBabies

Sometimes it is negative to compare yourself to other Mums, but this was something that was a positive recognition – what can I be doing better at? Often I will just daydream when playing with B and go into myself a bit too much.

#IThinkIMadeAGoodStartOnItThisMorningButItIsHardToHaveALotOfEnergyAllDayLong

I watched these videos last night, which have inspired me.

#IJustNeedToKeepGoingOutAndHopefullySoonPeopleWillStartToRecogniseUsAndChatMore #IGuessInAnIdealWorldWeWouldHaveMorePeopleToHangOutWithDuringTheWeekToHelpTheDaysGoByInAMoreFunWay

I seem to be a bit obsessed with wanting to talk to people. I don’t know if I really even want to – it just seems like a way to pass time. I just want the best for B, and for her to get enough stimulation everyday and to be happy. I’m sure she’s fine and I need to stop worrying so much.

#ItWillProbablyHappenButNowIsNotTheBestTimeOfTheYearAndALotOfTheClassesAreVeryStopStart #INeedToJustFocusOnWhatIHaveAndMakeTheBestOfThings

It’s such a weird time. Mothering is the most intense thing I have ever done in my life. It’s good that we see my Mum and she looks after B for a bit while I cook and do whatever.

Weaning is stressing me out. It’s just full on. Before all we had to do was give her milk – now I’m having to meal prep more and things. Soon it will feel normal, but at the moment it just feels like a lot.

I don’t think this was a great post. I was just trying to write hashtags and this post while B was asleep. I need to think about the photos now. I think with pictures of me crying at least it’s an easy thing to do and share, but I want to try to do something more creative/me.

(23rd December:)Well, there’s a picture of me with my head on a table. I guess it sums up how I felt, but I did do others that were less dramatic. I couldn’t decide between a few, but Tiago said he liked this one best. Sometimes when T says a photo is his favourite it makes me realise that I don’t like the picture, but in this case I went with it.


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I Carried Her Coat Down The Stairs On My Head And Thought It Was Interesting Enough For A Photo (1st December 2020)

I Carried Her Coat Down The Stairs On My Head And Thought It Was Interesting Enough For A Photo (1st December 2020)
 
#IAmInSuchABadMoodThisMorning
#BSleptForAbout7HoursStraightLastNightButItIsNeverEnough
#IHaveBeenPreparingSomeButternutSquashForHerToday
#AndAttemptedToMakeAButternutSquashAndCarrotSoupForUs
#YesterdayTheHealthVisitorCameAndSheSaidBIsProgressingWell
#SheIsStayingWithinHerWeightPercentileWhichIsGood
#ISaidThatIAmStrugglingABitMentally
#InLiverpoolIToldMyGPWhoSaidToTellMyHealthVisitor
#HereInBirminghamTheHealthVisitorSaysIShouldTellMyGPAndGaveMeANumberForAPostNatalServiceToTry
#IFeltQuiteGoodYesterdaySoIThoughtIWouldCallThemWhenIFeltBad
#IMightGiveThemACallLater
#TheHealthVisitorIsComingAtTheEndOfThisMonthToCheckOnMeAgain
#SheKeptSayingThatIFeltLonelyButIDoNotReallyIJustWantMoreVariationInBsPlaytimes
#IHaveFinallyManagedToSignBUpForAClass
#ThereAreSomeClassesBeforeXmasAndThenThereIsABigGapThenAnotherFew
#IAmExcitedButAlsoVeryNervous
#OurScheduleIsVeryFocusedAroundHomeSoIFeelABitStressedAboutHavingToPlanAroundAClass
#ItWillBeGoodForUsThoughAndIHopeToFindOthersToGoTo
#IWasHopingThatTheHealthVisitorWouldGiveMeAListOfPlacesThatICouldGoTo
#TheChildrensCentreIsQuiteFarToWalkToButApparentlyTheyHaveOnlineClassesAtTheMoment
#IHaveNotHadToPackABagForBForAges
#AndIHaveNotFedHerInPublicForALongTime
#IGuessIShouldTakeABottleOfFormulaJustInCase
#TheOtherDayISaidSheHadNotBreastfedInAWhileAndThatIHadGivenUp
#IInspiredMyselfToTryAgain
#IDoNotThinkSheIsGettingMuchButSheIsGettingSomething
#IWasQuiteSurprisedThatMyMilkHadNotCompletelyDriedUp
#MyWorkshopWentWellThoughALotMorePeopleSignedUpThanAttended
#IWorkedHardOnItSoInTheEveningITreatedMyselfToABathWithSomeBathSaltsThatIBought5MonthsAgoButHadNotUsedYet
#ThereWasNotMuchHotWaterSoInTheEndIJustSoakedMyselfInAPrettyColdBath

(Well, the title says it all. Maybe I should have called it something more interesting, but it is what it is.)

#IAmInSuchABadMoodThisMorning

Though typically I feel better after venting about it in my hashtags.

(I’m writing this on 1st December 2020.)

#BSleptForAbout7HoursStraightLastNightButItIsNeverEnough

We gave her some paracetamol last night for the first time in a few nights and maybe that was why? Or it could be that she went to bed quite early, but had two more feeds before we went to bed? She always seems to be hungry…

#IHaveBeenPreparingSomeButternutSquashForHerToday

I try to prepare her food for the day during her first nap now.

#AndAttemptedToMakeAButternutSquashAndCarrotSoupForUs

This is my new thing now – preparing food for B and then trying to make a soup for us for lunch. I think I felt so crummy as I just wanted to get on and do my work, but I was sorting out food.

#YesterdayTheHealthVisitorCameAndSheSaidBIsProgressingWell #SheIsStayingWithinHerWeightPercentileWhichIsGood

Good news.

#ISaidThatIAmStrugglingABitMentally #InLiverpoolIToldMyGPWhoSaidToTellMyHealthVisitor #HereInBirminghamTheHealthVisitorSaysIShouldTellMyGPAndGaveMeANumberForAPostNatalServiceToTry #IFeltQuiteGoodYesterdaySoIThoughtIWouldCallThemWhenIFeltBad #IMightGiveThemACallLater

Obviously every place has their own way of doing things. I do tend to feel better at the start of the week and the health visitor coming made the day a bit more interesting. Though I did think that I had the wrong day as it was getting on and she had not arrived. B was due for a nap but I was trying to keep her up as I knew she would have to be weighed. In the end I put her to bed and called the number to check, and they said she was 30 minutes away.

#TheHealthVisitorIsComingAtTheEndOfThisMonthToCheckOnMeAgain

To see how I’m doing mentally.

#SheKeptSayingThatIFeltLonelyButIDoNotReallyIJustWantMoreVariationInBsPlaytimes

Back time, tummy time, books, toys etc. repeat x 10.

#IHaveFinallyManagedToSignBUpForAClass

Hurrah.

#ThereAreSomeClassesBeforeXmasAndThenThereIsABigGapThenAnotherFew

Classes are starting up again, but typically it’s nearly Christmas now so they generally close for that period.

#IAmExcitedButAlsoVeryNervous #OurScheduleIsVeryFocusedAroundHomeSoIFeelABitStressedAboutHavingToPlanAroundAClass #ItWillBeGoodForUsThoughAndIHopeToFindOthersToGoTo

B is 5 and a half months old. We’ve been to one class in person. This is why I get so rigid with her routine, but luckily I have been relaxing a bit about it lately.

I am hoping the class will tire her out more than just our usual playtimes so she will sleep well at night. I have been wondering if that is why sometimes she does not sleep very well – she has not been tired out enough.

#IWasHopingThatTheHealthVisitorWouldGiveMeAListOfPlacesThatICouldGoTo #TheChildrensCentreIsQuiteFarToWalkToButApparentlyTheyHaveOnlineClassesAtTheMoment

Typically in Liverpool we lived a lot closer to a children’s centre, but it was closed the whole time that we needed it.

#IHaveNotHadToPackABagForBForAges #AndIHaveNotFedHerInPublicForALongTime #IGuessIShouldTakeABottleOfFormulaJustInCase

I feel like I am already making a mental list of what I need to take. Changing bag, change of clothes, bibs, food.

It is a little walk, but hopefully we’ll walk there if the weather is nice and then T can pick us up afterwards.

#TheOtherDayISaidSheHadNotBreastfedInAWhileAndThatIHadGivenUp #IInspiredMyselfToTryAgain #IDoNotThinkSheIsGettingMuchButSheIsGettingSomething #IWasQuiteSurprisedThatMyMilkHadNotCompletelyDriedUp

This morning she fed a bit, but she still seemed hungry so I gave her some formula too. I am trying to feed her in the morning and evening to see if that helps my supply. I miss the convenience of breastfeeding, though our prep machine is super useful.

#MyWorkshopWentWellThoughALotMorePeopleSignedUpThanAttended

It was good to try it out with a very small, but enthusiastic group though. I am hoping that I will have more opportunities to do it again, but who knows.

#IWorkedHardOnItSoInTheEveningITreatedMyselfToABathWithSomeBathSaltsThatIBought5MonthsAgoButHadNotUsedYet #ThereWasNotMuchHotWaterSoInTheEndIJustSoakedMyselfInAPrettyColdBath

And I did not even notice the bath salts. Typical. Even though it was quite cold, it was nice to daydream though. I just felt like I had wasted a lot of water though…


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Imitating B By Putting Baby Rice On My Face (28th November 2020)

Self-portrait with baby rice around my mouth
Imitating B By Putting Baby Rice On My Face (28th November 2020)
 
#WellInMyLastDiaryEntryISaidWeWereGoingToStartWeaningBSoon
#InTheEndIGaveBSomeBabyRiceTheSameDay
#SheWasABitUnsureAtFirstButThenSheAteItAllUpSoIGaveHerAnotherMealOfItTheSameDay
#IMixedItWithHerUsualMilkThenGaveHerTheRestOfTheBottleAfter
#WeDidTwoDaysOfThatThenITriedGivingHerSomePotato
#SheChokedWhichPutMeOffSoSheHadSomeBabyRiceAtDinner
#YesterdayITriedAgainAndItWasABitMoreSuccessful
#IThinkTodayIWillTryCarrot
#ThisPictureIsImitatingTheMessThatBGetsHerselfInto
#WeGotAnElectricChopperWhichWillHopefullyBlendHerFoodBetterNowAndSpeedUpCookingOurMeals
#IHaveGivenUpWithBreastfeedingAsDidNotWantToForThreeDaysAndAfterThatIStoppedTrying
#IWasFeelingMorePositiveAboutThingsButIThinkByTheEndOfTheWeekIStartToFeelSoTired
#AndTwoNightsAgoBWasWakingUpConstantlySoYesterdayIWasStrugglingABit
#AlsoSomeoneHadMentionedThatWearingBabiesSoTheyFaceForwardIsNotGoodForThem
#SoIFeelABitTornAsIWasReallyEnjoyingDoingThat
#YesterdayICarriedHerFacingMeAndSheFellAsleepWithin5Minutes
#SoIEndedUpJustWearingHerForAnHourWhileSheHadANap
#TypicallySheSometimesDoesNotNapForVeryLongAndItWasNotEvenHerNaptime
#ITriedToTakeAPhotoInTheKitchenOfMeAwkwardlyEatingMyLunchButTheyWereSoOutOfFocusAsItWasJustOnMyPhone
#MyBackIsReallyHurtingMeThoughNowSoIMightJustAlternateThings
#ForTheNextCoupleOfDaysIWillJustTakeHerOutInHerPushchairAndHopefullyItWillBeJustAsMuchFun
#IHaveLikedTheInteractionsThatWeHaveHadWithPeopleLatelySoMaybeIJustNeedToBeBetterAtEyeContactWhenSheIsInThePushchair
#UsuallyIJustLookDownAtTheWheelsAndPretendToJustCheckThatWeAreNotGoingOnTheGrass
#ItDoesNotMatterIfItGetsDirtyReallyButItIsALotEasierToJustWalkAcrossTheGrassAwayFromPeopleWhenCarryingHer
#ThePushchairIsJustABitBigAndAnnoyingAtTimesSoIFeelMoreFreeWithTheCarrier
#SoIThinkIWillCarryHerFacingOutOccasionally
#SheSeemsToEnjoyItAndOurWalksAreGenerallyShorterNowAsITendToGoOutTwiceADayInstead
#BeforeWhenIWasPushingHerToSleepIWouldWalkSoFarWhichWouldTireMeOut
#NowIWantHerToEnjoyHerAwakeTimeAndIDoNotPushHerSoFar
#IHaveMyWorkshopTomorrowWhichIAmNervousAboutButIThinkItWillBeOkay

(I wrote this on 28th November.)

#WellInMyLastDiaryEntryISaidWeWereGoingToStartWeaningBSoon

Oh, I actually said ‘#IAlsoMightGiveHerSomeBabyRiceTodayButIFeelLikeISayThatEveryday’

#InTheEndIGaveBSomeBabyRiceTheSameDay

So I actually did do it. I was feeling stressed about it, but suddenly I felt like that day was the day.

#SheWasABitUnsureAtFirstButThenSheAteItAllUpSoIGaveHerAnotherMealOfItTheSameDay

I thought she was going to spit it out, but she was quite enthusiastic. I was surprised. I thought she would not eat any of it.

There was a lot of it on her face though – hence the photo.

#IMixedItWithHerUsualMilkThenGaveHerTheRestOfTheBottleAfter

I thought she would not drink all of her milk, but she did.

#WeDidTwoDaysOfThatThenITriedGivingHerSomePotato #SheChokedWhichPutMeOffSoSheHadSomeBabyRiceAtDinner

It was a bit scary, so we built up our confidence again with the baby rice.

#YesterdayITriedAgainAndItWasABitMoreSuccessful

She still did not seem too impressed though. The lumps were worrying me though I did mash it up a lot.

#IThinkTodayIWillTryCarrot

I am typing this now in the kitchen while I am boiling some carrot. B is having a nap. This seems like a good time to do some cooking. The other day when I was boiling the potatoes I was also making a meal for the day.

(Carrot seems more successful than potato.)

#ThisPictureIsImitatingTheMessThatBGetsHerselfInto

There are some of me with it coming out of my mouth. I don’t know which one I will choose yet. Sorry if it is a disgusting choice…

(13th December: Well, I went for a more ‘classic’ option.)

#WeGotAnElectricChopperWhichWillHopefullyBlendHerFoodBetterNowAndSpeedUpCookingOurMeals

I am going to puree some carrot, but also have some bigger slices for her to try in the baby led weaning style.

Being vegetarian I feel like most of cooking is just chopping veg, so hopefully it will be good.

#IHaveGivenUpWithBreastfeedingAsDidNotWantToForThreeDaysAndAfterThatIStoppedTrying

I am sad about it. Maybe it is not too late… Maybe I should try? They’ve just been out of action for at least 5 days now, so I feel like the time has passed. I have gone back to wearing non-maternity bras now, which feels a bit weird.

My Mum said I wouldn’t be breastfed after 4 months…

(After I finished this B woke up and I felt compelled to try breastfeeding her. Some milk did actually come out, and though I had to keep swapping B over from side to side I think she did get something. Afterwards I winded her and she burped quite loudly, but it could have been left over from earlier? I think I might try to see if I can get my production up.)

#IWasFeelingMorePositiveAboutThingsButIThinkByTheEndOfTheWeekIStartToFeelSoTired

By Friday I am just knackered.

#AndTwoNightsAgoBWasWakingUpConstantlySoYesterdayIWasStrugglingABit

It was a long night. Last night she slept better but typically my brain was so awake at 2am after she woke up that I did not sleep for at least an hour.

#AlsoSomeoneHadMentionedThatWearingBabiesSoTheyFaceForwardIsNotGoodForThem #SoIFeelABitTornAsIWasReallyEnjoyingDoingThat

I read an article about it, but it seemed to be about babies that are a lot younger. It said that it overstimulates them, but one of the reasons why I like her to face out is so that she can see everything, and for a change of scenery during playtimes.

#YesterdayICarriedHerFacingMeAndSheFellAsleepWithin5Minutes

I realised that we were going out half an hour from naptime, so I thought we’d be quick.

I kept trying to keep her awake, but she fell asleep after 5 minutes.

#SoIEndedUpJustWearingHerForAnHourWhileSheHadANap

I could not be bothered to keep walking around with her, so I just came home.

#TypicallySheSometimesDoesNotNapForVeryLongAndItWasNotEvenHerNaptime

I was hoping it would be a 30 minute nap at the most, but her previous one had only been 30 minutes.

#ITriedToTakeAPhotoInTheKitchenOfMeAwkwardlyEatingMyLunchButTheyWereSoOutOfFocusAsItWasJustOnMyPhone

I got Tiago to put some food in the pan for me to reheat so the noise wouldn’t wake her up. I just watched Taskmaster on my phone, while awkwardly navigating my food over her head.

#MyBackIsReallyHurtingMeThoughNowSoIMightJustAlternateThings

I stretch quite a lot, so I do wonder how people who don’t stretch cope.

#ForTheNextCoupleOfDaysIWillJustTakeHerOutInHerPushchairAndHopefullyItWillBeJustAsMuchFun

I need to get a rain cover for the carrier, so at least her pushchair has one. It is a wet day today.

#IHaveLikedTheInteractionsThatWeHaveHadWithPeopleLatelySoMaybeIJustNeedToBeBetterAtEyeContactWhenSheIsInThePushchair

I usually have the hood of her pushchair pulled over her, so I can’t really see her and she is usually asleep so of course people will not interact with her. I just need to talk to her more in the pushchair. It doesn’t face me, so hopefully she can just enjoy the world and I can stop more to talk to her and point things out.

#UsuallyIJustLookDownAtTheWheelsAndPretendToJustCheckThatWeAreNotGoingOnTheGrass

Well, I don’t know if I am pretending but it is a thing I do to avoid eye contact.

#ItDoesNotMatterIfItGetsDirtyReallyButItIsALotEasierToJustWalkAcrossTheGrassAwayFromPeopleWhenCarryingHer #ThePushchairIsJustABitBigAndAnnoyingAtTimesSoIFeelMoreFreeWithTheCarrier

It could be worse, but some paths are quite narrow so you have to move. Some people barely leave any space as they go past, whereas others will awkwardly leave what feels like a bit too much space.

#SoIThinkIWillCarryHerFacingOutOccasionally

I’ve spoke to other people about it and they don’t think there is an issue.

#SheSeemsToEnjoyItAndOurWalksAreGenerallyShorterNowAsITendToGoOutTwiceADayInstead #BeforeWhenIWasPushingHerToSleepIWouldWalkSoFarWhichWouldTireMeOut #NowIWantHerToEnjoyHerAwakeTimeAndIDoNotPushHerSoFar

The walks are a lot more pleasant now.

#IHaveMyWorkshopTomorrowWhichIAmNervousAboutButIThinkItWillBeOkay

Fingers crossed.


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