Categories
Pregnancy Waiting II

Here We Go Again Again (9 Weeks? / 31st May 2021)

Self-portrait against a plain wall and from the waist up. I'm wearing a dark top with a slight neck that is flopping over. I'm looking directly to the camera and have my hair tied up. My expression is neutral.
Here We Go Again Again (9 Weeks? / 31st May 2021)

#WellIDidAPregnancyTestAnHourOrSoAgoAndItWasPositive #IWasGoingToBeMoreSurprisedIfIWasNotAsItWasJustToCheckWhatIThought #IHaveBeenFeelingSickishForAFewWeeksAndHaveHadOtherSymptoms #SpotsLotsOfSnotReallyReallyTiredSomeDizzinessFeelingMoreEmotional #IWillLookAtBAndStartCryingAsIAmSoHappyToHaveHer #ABigSignIsThatMyPeriodIsUnusuallyLate #IHaveBeenFourDaysLateBeforeButWeArePastThatNowAndYeahItSeemedTimeToDoATest #IWouldHaveDoneItSoonerButWeHaveBeenAwayAndIHaveHadLotsOfWorkToDo #SoIWantedToWaitUntilIHadTimeToDoAShootAndWriteAboutItWhichIsABitSad #WeDidAFamilyShootThenIDidTheTestAndThenITookThePictures #IAmExcitedButNervous #IWantedToWaitAndSeeIfMyPeriodArrivedBeforeDoingATestAsIDidNotWantToBeDisappointedLikeLastTime #IDidHaveSomeSpottingThreeDaysBeforeItWasDueButThatWasIt #SoMaybeThatWasImplantationBleedingButIDoNotThinkIAmOnlyFiveWeeksPregnant #IWasWorriedThatIWasImaginingMorningSicknessSoThatIsAnotherReasonThatIWantedToDelayTakingATest #INeedToBookMyCovidVaccinationsSoIWantToCheckWithMyDoctorAboutItAllFirst #IHopeThisPregnancyGoesWell #IAmWorriedThatSomethingWillGoWrongButItIsWhatItIsAndWeWillHaveToSee #IfTheBabyHappensThenTheyWillBeBornInTheOppositeSeasonToB #WhichMeansThatMyGrandPlanOfPassingHerStuffAlongMightNotCompletelyWork #HerNiceStuffForTheSummerNowWillNotBeGoodForABabyBornInTheWinterWhoWillBeTooSmallForThemButOhWell #AtLeastIWillNotBeHeavilyPregnantInSummer #IDoNotWantToTellPeopleForNow #IWantToKeepItQuietAndThenMaybeJustTalkAboutItIfAndWhenIGetToTwelveWeeks #WhichMightBeSoonOrItMightNot #TheTwelveWeeksThingIsNotGreatAsItFeelsLikeItJustProtectsOtherPeopleFromTheAwkwardnessOfItAllMoreThanMe #AndIWillTalkAboutItWhetherOrNotItProgressesButIGuessSomePeopleDoNotLikeToShareSoMuch #IWonderHowItWillBeHavingTwoKids #IWorryThatItCouldBeTwinsButIReallyDoubtIt #IfBHadHadATwinThatWouldHaveBeenGreatButIDoNotWantTwinsNowThoughIfTwinsHappenThenWeWillGetOnWithItObviously

#WellIDidAPregnancyTestAnHourOrSoAgoAndItWasPositive #IWasGoingToBeMoreSurprisedIfIWasNotAsItWasJustToCheckWhatIThought

Yeah I wasn’t surprised, but it was still a bit weird seeing it confirmed.

I did a first trimester YouTube exercise video this morning (before I knew for sure) so that says a lot. I also did one two days ago…

#IHaveBeenFeelingSickishForAFewWeeksAndHaveHadOtherSymptoms #SpotsLotsOfSnotReallyReallyTiredSomeDizzinessFeelingMoreEmotional

Another weird thing is last time and this time, I felt a need to lie on my front in bed? I feel like I don’t really lie on my front. Maybe it’s an evolutionary thing to protect your stomach? Maybe it’s just all in my head?

#IWillLookAtBAndStartCryingAsIAmSoHappyToHaveHer

I have always loved her, but my love for her has been stronger lately.

Since having B I also find it harder to read sad news stories about kids, but in the last week I have got more emotional – especially about the 5 year old who was the sole survivor of a cable car crash. Even now my eyes are welling up thinking about it.

#ABigSignIsThatMyPeriodIsUnusuallyLate #IHaveBeenFourDaysLateBeforeButWeArePastThatNowAndYeahItSeemedTimeToDoATest

When I was pregnant with B I had a period, and when I was pregnant earlier this year I had had my period, so it now being this late seemed like a clear sign.

#IWouldHaveDoneItSoonerButWeHaveBeenAwayAndIHaveHadLotsOfWorkToDo

Our first night away in 7 months! And yeah so much stuff to do.

#SoIWantedToWaitUntilIHadTimeToDoAShootAndWriteAboutItWhichIsABitSad

I did ask Tiago if we should do it before our trip, but he said ‘nah wait’, which I was relieved about. I knew I was pregnant, but if we had had it confirmed before the trip it would have felt like we were hiding a big secret, and Tiago is not great with secrets (bless him).

#WeDidAFamilyShootThenIDidTheTestAndThenITookThePictures

Everything was set up to take the picture in the same way that I have been doing since we started to try to get pregnant again.

(5th August: The title isn’t a mistake. It references a similar picture I took called ‘Here We Go Again’ in January after I got a positive pregnancy test. I look more shocked in that photo though.)

Here it is:

Self-portrait against a plain wall and from the waist up. I'm wearing a dark top with a slight neck that is flopping over. I'm looking directly to the camera and my hair is down. I have a slightly shocked expression and I am breathing out.
Here We Go Again (6 Weeks / 16th January 2021)
 
#MyHeartIsBeatingSoFast
#IWasPlanningHashtagsInMyHeadAboutDefinitelyNotBeingPregnant
#IHadBeenThinkingAboutTakingATestForTheLastFewDays
#MyPeriodWasSuperHeavyFor2DaysButThenWasReallyLightForAFewDays
#ButIThoughtLastTimeItCompletelyStopped
#IHaveWokenUpFeelingABitSickAFewMornings
#OneWasWhenIWasThinkingAboutPregnancySoIThoughtItWasMyMindPlayingTricksOnMe
#IHaveBeenFeelingQuiteTiredLatelyButIThoughtItWasDownToHavingA7MonthOld
#AndIHaveBeenFeelingQuiteGoodMentallyWhichIThoughtWasDownToMakingAnEffortToBeMorePositive
#IWasThinkingIShouldTakeATestAFewDaysAgoButICouldNotBeBotheredToLookForTheTestAndThoughtIWasBeingSilly
#YesterdayIWentAsFarAsToFindItButThoughtIWouldBeWastingATest
#ThisMorningITookItAsIWasFedUpOfThinkingWellAmIOrAmINotAndIDidNotWantToWaitTwoWeeksToSeeIfMyNextPeriodCame
#IAmInShock
#InThePastIHaveFoundItWeirdThatSomeWomenDoSoManyTestsButIThinkIWillGetTiagoToGetACoupleMore
#TiagoIsHappyAndICouldHearHimSingingToBInPortugueseThatSheMightHaveABrother
#IFeelCautiousAboutItThoughAndDoNotWantToTellPeopleUntilLaterOnThisTime
#IAmWorriedAboutBeingJudgedAboutBeingPregnantAgainSoSoon
#ButForMeItMakesSenseToMeWhileTheWorldIsInLimboAndWeCanNotDoMuch
#TiagoJustCameInToSayIfTheBabyIsDueInAugustThenHowIsHeSupposedToGoToTwoWeddingsOfHisBestFriends
#OneWasPostponedFromThisSummerAndWasTheOneWeWereTryingToAvoidBeingPregnantAroundLastTime
#TheWayThingsAreGoingItMightGetPostponedAgainWhoKnows
#IAmAlreadyWorriedThatSomethingWillGoWrongAsItIsSoEarly
#IHaveBeenContinuingToTakeMyPregnancyAndBreastfeedingVitaminsEvenThoughAsIWasNotPregnantOrBreastfeedingSoAtLeastIDoNotHaveToWorryAboutThat
#IMissedACallFromMyDoctorYesterdayWhoWantsToDoAReviewWithMeOnMondaySoIGuessIWillSayThenThatIAmPregnant
#EvenThoughIWasPregnantNotThatLongAgoIFeelLikeIHaveAlreadyForgottenAboutHowAllTheAppointmentsWork
#PlusNowWeHaveMovedSomewhereElseSoItWillBeSlightlyDifferentAnyways
#IHaveReadThatThereIsNoEvidenceToSayThatTheCovidVaccineIsUnsafeIfYouArePregnant
#ButTheNHSWantMoreEvidenceBeforePregnantPeopleAreRoutinelyOfferedTheVaccine
#IProbablyWouldNotBeCalledToHaveItForALongTimeAnywaysAsIAmInMy30sWithNoHealthIssues
#IAmInShockButINeedToStartRestingMoreForSure

#IAmExcitedButNervous

It is nice to have something to countdown to again. I wanted to learn to drive, but there isn’t much availability. I need to start messaging people as otherwise I will not have much time at all.

#IWantedToWaitAndSeeIfMyPeriodArrivedBeforeDoingATestAsIDidNotWantToBeDisappointedLikeLastTime

This post explains it.

#IDidHaveSomeSpottingThreeDaysBeforeItWasDueButThatWasIt

It was really nothing.

#SoMaybeThatWasImplantationBleedingButIDoNotThinkIAmOnlyFiveWeeksPregnant

I do not think I would be having all these symptoms if I was only 5 weeks, but you never know.

(5th August: I was only 5 weeks pregnant at this point (I’ve recently had a dating scan), but I wanted to believe I was more. Also based on my periods have been before when I’ve been pregnant it seemed like it might add up. I’ve decided to keep the wrong gestation and question marks in the titles as it reflects how I was feeling/what I believed.)

#IWasWorriedThatIWasImaginingMorningSicknessSoThatIsAnotherReasonThatIWantedToDelayTakingATest

I have felt quite sick at times, and not so much at others. I worry that sometimes I think ‘oh shouldn’t I be feeling more sick?’ and then I feel more sick. I do not want to be sick this time though.

#INeedToBookMyCovidVaccinationsSoIWantToCheckWithMyDoctorAboutItAllFirst

Fun times. I think I will be avoiding germ pits like softplay for now while I wait for it.

#IHopeThisPregnancyGoesWell

Fingers crossed.

#IAmWorriedThatSomethingWillGoWrongButItIsWhatItIsAndWeWillHaveToSee

I do not want to spend the whole time feeling as anxious and nervous as I did last time, but I also feel like I need to be realistic about it all, especially as it is still the first trimester.

#IfTheBabyHappensThenTheyWillBeBornInTheOppositeSeasonToB #WhichMeansThatMyGrandPlanOfPassingHerStuffAlongMightNotCompletelyWork #HerNiceStuffForTheSummerNowWillNotBeGoodForABabyBornInTheWinterWhoWillBeTooSmallForThemButOhWell

Me justifying buying nice stuff as it can be passed along = fail. Some stuff will be fine though. The baby could be quite big though – who knows?

#AtLeastIWillNotBeHeavilyPregnantInSummer

Phew.

#IDoNotWantToTellPeopleForNow #IWantToKeepItQuietAndThenMaybeJustTalkAboutItIfAndWhenIGetToTwelveWeeks #WhichMightBeSoonOrItMightNot

I need to call my doctor and see what they think. A lot of the appointments are down to how pregnant you are.

#TheTwelveWeeksThingIsNotGreatAsItFeelsLikeItJustProtectsOtherPeopleFromTheAwkwardnessOfItAllMoreThanMe #AndIWillTalkAboutItWhetherOrNotItProgressesButIGuessSomePeopleDoNotLikeToShareSoMuch

I am debating what to do – this could be a new project as before when I thought I was pregnant I was doing a pregnancy project and continuing with Oh Me, Oh Mãe. Two projects is too much of a faff, especially if one is just trying to hide the fact I am pregnant for a bit longer so this is probably a new project about having a kid and being pregnant. I guess my pregnancy project, OMOM and this are all chapters of a bigger project anyways?

(5th August: I’ve just been working on this project, which shows that I am a little more sure than I was earlier this year when I was working on two. (Well, I have been making a Puke Portraits II.) It is a cross between Waiting and OMOM. I’m calling it Waiting… II for now, but it needs it’s own title. I’ll start thinking…

#IWonderHowItWillBeHavingTwoKids

In the car yesterday I was imagining how it would be with two in the car.

#IWorryThatItCouldBeTwinsButIReallyDoubtIt #IfBHadHadATwinThatWouldHaveBeenGreatButIDoNotWantTwinsNowThoughIfTwinsHappenThenWeWillGetOnWithItObviously

We shall have to wait and see. Time to look after B now.

I am debating including the images/hashtags from when I was a similar gestation with B. However, I did actually manage to write a few blog posts about Waiting, so I’ll just include links to them for now.

Turns out I never did pictures for 5 weeks last time, but the first photo I took was the day after I found out at 4+ weeks so that is similar.

Head to knee self-portrait. I am stood facing the left hand side of the frame. My hair is falling down my right side and I am wearing a black cardigan, black leggings and a dress that is blue with darker blue dots. My hands are in the pockets of the dress and I am pulling it out, as if to imagine what it will be like to have a pregnancy bump.
The Day After I Found Out (4+ weeks)
 
#SoIAmGoingThroughMyPicturesACoupleOfMonthsAfterTryingToEditTheProjectSoFar
#AndApparentlyIHaveBeenWritingHashtagsForEveryShootOnTheDayApartFromThisOne
#WritingThemOnTheDayIsMuchBetterButOhWell
#ILikeThatIAmWearingThisDress
#NotSureIfItWasAnAccidentOrOnPurpose
#ButItIsTheSameDressAsTheOneIAmWearingInMyPictureCalled
#ItSeemsLikeEveryoneIsPregnantExceptMe
#InMySeriesCalledUlteriorMonologue
#WhichIsAboutWantingToTalkAboutWantingToBePregnantButFeelingTooAwkwardTo
#TheDayBeforeWeHadGoneFoodShopping
#IHadBoughtCheeseThatYouAreNotSupposedToEatIfYouArePregnant
#AndTwoPregnancyTests
#IBoughtTheTestsAsIMyPeriodWasLateAndIWasHopeful
#ButBoughtTheCheeseAsIWasNotThatHopeful
#WellActuallyIWasConfusedAsItHadStartedAndStopped
#IOnlyHadATinyBitOfTheCheeseAsIWasLikeWellWhatIf
#AndThenTriedToDoATest
#ButForgotIWasGoingToDoOne
#SoIWasJustInTheBathroomForAgesDrinkingLotsOfWaterAndWaiting
#FunTimes
#ThenICameOutOfTheBathroomInShockIThink
#AndCalledTiagoIntoTheBathroomAsWeWereAtMyNans
#HeSaidHeDidNotEvenKnowWhatWasTheResultByLookingAtTheTest
#WritingThisNowIHaveABitOfABump
#OnTheDayITookAPictureOfMyBellyAndToBeFairIThoughtILookedABitPregnant
#ButMyBellyUsuallyLookedLikeThat
#AndNowIKnowMyFoodBabiesLookABitDifferentToABabyBump
#ButFoodBabiesWithABabyBumpJustLookLikeABigBabyBump
#AnywaysHereIWasAbout4AndABitWeeksPregnantOrSoTheFolderTellsMe
#IFindItOddTheWayTheyCalculateItAsPartOfThatIWasNotPregnant

I thought I might as well just add the image and hashtags in. The picture is definitely more interesting than this new one, but oh well.


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Categories
Waiting

The Day After I Found Out (4+ weeks)

During my pregnancy I made a project called Waiting For Things In A Time When You Rarely Wait For Things. It consists of 84 images, and I plan to post them all here on this blog with their accompanying hashtag diary texts, with the addition of outtakes and any comments I feel like making.

I hope that the project is of interest to people and that it may be helpful in some way – particularly to those who may be pregnant or someone whose partner/close friend/family member is pregnant.

As it will take me some time to post them all, if you wish to read ahead you can see the project on my Instagram account, though at the time of writing this I still have 16 images left to post from the project.

This is the first image from the series.

The Day After I Found Out (4+ weeks)
from the series Waiting For Things In A Time When You Rarely Wait For Things.

#SoIAmGoingThroughMyPicturesACoupleOfMonthsAfterTryingToEditTheProjectSoFar
#AndApparentlyIHaveBeenWritingHashtagsForEveryShootOnTheDayApartFromThisOne
#WritingThemOnTheDayIsMuchBetterButOhWell
#ILikeThatIAmWearingThisDress
#NotSureIfItWasAnAccidentOrOnPurpose
#ButItIsTheSameDressAsTheOneIAmWearingInMyPictureCalled
#ItSeemsLikeEveryoneIsPregnantExceptMe
#InMySeriesCalledUlteriorMonologue
#WhichIsAboutWantingToTalkAboutWantingToBePregnantButFeelingTooAwkwardTo
#TheDayBeforeWeHadGoneFoodShopping
#IHadBoughtCheeseThatYouAreNotSupposedToEatIfYouArePregnant
#AndTwoPregnancyTests
#IBoughtTheTestsAsIMyPeriodWasLateAndIWasHopeful
#ButBoughtTheCheeseAsIWasNotThatHopeful
#WellActuallyIWasConfusedAsItHadStartedAndStopped
#IOnlyHadATinyBitOfTheCheeseAsIWasLikeWellWhatIf
#AndThenTriedToDoATest
#ButForgotIWasGoingToDoOne
#SoIWasJustInTheBathroomForAgesDrinkingLotsOfWaterAndWaiting
#FunTimes
#ThenICameOutOfTheBathroomInShockIThink
#AndCalledTiagoIntoTheBathroomAsWeWereAtMyNans
#HeSaidHeDidNotEvenKnowWhatWasTheResultByLookingAtTheTest
#WritingThisNowIHaveABitOfABump
#OnTheDayITookAPictureOfMyBellyAndToBeFairIThoughtILookedABitPregnant
#ButMyBellyUsuallyLookedLikeThat
#AndNowIKnowMyFoodBabiesLookABitDifferentToABabyBump
#ButFoodBabiesWithABabyBumpJustLookLikeABigBabyBump
#AnywaysHereIWasAbout4AndABitWeeksPregnantOrSoTheFolderTellsMe
#IFindItOddTheWayTheyCalculateItAsPartOfThatIWasNotPregnant

A couple of outtakes


Comments

Photoshop froze during an image resize and showed this in the preview window.

I’m currently writing this with my newborn daughter (well she is a few weeks old now, when does a newborn stop being a newborn?) lying asleep on me, as represented by the picture above that I took with my phone that then got glitched by Photoshop.

In these pictures I am in shock at being pregnant, whereas now a few weeks into motherhood I am still a bit in shock that I am a mother. Writing a tweet yesterday that started with ‘Had to register my daughter for the doctors’ just felt bizarre…

Anyways, I took a pregnancy test whilst visiting family for a weekend and was not home until the next day. I did the shoot, but then didn’t look at the images for a while which explains not writing the hashtags at the time.

When I found out I was pregnant I was finishing off my project Ulterior Monologue, which was about wanting to be pregnant but not feeling able to talk about it. This was when I first started to do these hashtag diary entries, but with Ulterior Monologue I wasn’t always as honest as I wanted to be because of the awkwardness I felt around talking about wanting to be pregnant – which is where the project title comes from. I felt awkward as we had not been trying that long (it took about 9 months in the end to get pregnant and the doctors say it usually happens by the end of 2 years), but it was the only thing I could think about. We had just moved to Liverpool and I didn’t really know anyone and felt a bit lost. I was also trying to get over the stress of living in London and ended up signing for an online CBT course in anxiety not long before I found out I was pregnant.

With announcing that I was trying to get pregnant I felt like people’s comments would just annoy me and I knew people who had been trying for a long time to get pregnant, and I did not want to upset anyone. I was also worried about not getting offered jobs/being overlooked for work if people knew that I was trying to get pregnant, as they might have assumed that I soon would be.

I did do a couple of shoots after knowing I was pregnant that are part of that Ulterior Monologue; I guess because I knew I wouldn’t be sharing my news anytime soon and so I wanted to have work to post in the meantime. I ended up announcing my pregnancy (on social media anyways) when I was around 20 weeks pregnant and at the point where I felt like I wasn’t cursing myself by saying it out loud to a ‘crowd’. Until then I posted all my self-portraiture projects and video works on Instagram – I have a lot so it definitely passed the time, but I was so fed up of doing it by the end.

The hashtags mention wearing the same dress as an image from Ulterior Monologue which is called It Seems Like Everyone Is Pregnant Except Me. I don’t think I did this intentionally (like the hashtags say), but it’s a nice coincidence. It Seems Like…‘s hashtags talked the most about wanting to be pregnant, but still downplayed it.

It Seems Like Everyone Is Pregnant Except Me from the series Ulterior Monologue.

The next picture I took for Waiting For Things… was when I was 6 weeks pregnant and after that I really started to document myself – usually at least twice a week. I think being in disbelief and expecting something bad to happen was also a factor in the gap between the first and second images.

More on that picture in the next pregnancy post.