Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

My Baby Is A Brick Wall (14th July 2020)

Whether to have the title as a simile or a metaphor? I went with metaphor…

My Baby Is A Brick Wall (14th July 2020)
 
#IHaveBeenABitEmotionalThisMorning
#IFeelABitDetachedFromBAtTimes
#WhilstTiagoSaysHeCanNotBelieveHowMuchHeIsInLoveWithHer
#IAmHappyHeFeelsThisWayAboutHer
#IHaveNeverBeenAMassiveFanOfNewbornsAsIFeelLikeTheyDoNotDoMuch
#ThoughIHaveAlwaysSaidItMustBeDifferentWhenItIsYourOwnChildAsYouSeeTheSmallChanges
#IThinkWhatIFindMostDifficultIsThatIFeelLikeIAmNotGettingMuchBackFromHerEmotionally
#SheIsStartingToSmileThoughIThinkItIsMostlyOnAccident
#WhenSheSmilesPurposefullyIThinkIWillFeelDifferentAsAtTheMomentItFeelsLikeSheIsABrickWall
#ILoveToMakePeopleLaughAndThereIsNoBetterSoundInTheWorldThanABabyLaughing
#IFindMyselfPullingTheSameFacesAndDoingThingsThatMakeMyNieceLaughAndIGetNothingOrAFrownBackFromB
#IJustHadAnOnlineSearchAndGigglingIsFromMonth3Or4AndSheIsJust1Month
#ThePurposefulSmilesStartBetween6And12Weeks
#IGuessWeKnowWhenSheIsContentWhichIsWhenSheIsNotCrying
#ButINeedMoreOfAnIndicationThatIAmDoingAGoodJob
#ISupposeIJustHaveToWaitAndMaybeLaterIWillFeelBetter
#IAlsoFeelGuiltyThatWeHaveStartedToGiveHerADummy
#ThoughIOnlyFeelGuiltyAsIWorryWhatPeopleThink
#IKnowItIsTheBestThingForMyFamily
#PeopleCanBeSoJudgmentalAboutAllThingsParentingAndLifeInGeneral
#IfWeWantAdviceWeWillAskForIt
#WeStartedToGiveHerADummyAsSheWasAlwaysJustRestingWithTheBottleTeatOrANippleInHerMouthAndNotDrinking
#INeverHadADummyAsABabyButISuckedMyThumbAndTwiddledMyHairALotInstead
#IAlsoToldTiagoThatINeedABitMoreAttention
#AGoodHugBeforeSleepOrWhateverAsItMakesABigDifferenceToMe
#IGuessIDoGetABitJealousSeeingBGetAllHisAttention
#ThatSeemsHardToAdmitButMostlyBecauseIKnowOneDayIWillShareAllOfThis
#TheLastFewDaysIHaveStartedToReadToBMoreToMakeSureIHaveSomeGoodQualityTimeWithHer
#ItFeelsLikeSettingUpABlogWasNotTheSmartestThingToDoRightNowButIGuessItIsBecauseIPutTooMuchPressureOnMyselfAndItShouldBeMoreCasual
#IThinkIFeelRubbishBecauseThisIsMyFirstShootInNearlyAWeekAndIFeelMyWorstWhenIAmNotMakingWork

Sometimes I focus so much on explaining the hashtags that I forget to talk about the photos (I am writing this after I already pressed publish.)

The idea with the picture is that I’m looking away/facing a wall and not showing you the expression on my face. I wasn’t trying to hide a teary face or anything, it just seemed fitting.

(You can also see how long the nail was on the little finger of my left hand. It looked horrible, but it became a weird thing of ‘how long can I grow this’, but I cut my nails in the end as I was worried that I would poke her in the eye with one of them.)

#IFeelABitDetachedFromBAtTimes

I have been thinking about this a bit and I think this is another reason why I chose to express rather than breastfeed so much. This meant that Tiago could feed her more and it allowed me to keep my distance. Perhaps I was overwhelmed, which seems understandable.

I think it was just such a bizarre thing and I couldn’t get my head around the fact that I had grown a human inside me and now they were here demanding my attention and my body. I hadn’t needed to be this responsible in my whole life and now I had to be. I hope she doesn’t read this in the future and think I disliked her or something. I just needed some time to adjust and get my head around her existence and what was expected of me, and now I have.

I say think too much. Sometimes I am not sure, but other times I know and I try to distance myself from my feelings a little. It is hard saying things about myself that make me look bad, but as always I admit it in hope that it helps someone else.

#WhilstTiagoSaysHeCanNotBelieveHowMuchHeIsInLoveWithHer

Tiago stepped up, whereas I stepped back. I’m so glad she has such a loving father. (I’m getting emotional writing this.)

#IHaveNeverBeenAMassiveFanOfNewbornsAsIFeelLikeTheyDoNotDoMuch #ThoughIHaveAlwaysSaidItMustBeDifferentWhenItIsYourOwnChildAsYouSeeTheSmallChanges

Yep. In the past people I know had babies and I ran away a bit. To be fair it was because I thought they wanted time to be in a baby bubble, but after having a kid myself I was keen to get out and socialise though I didn’t always feel confident. (Covid got and still gets in the way of this though.) I also just didn’t feel confident around newborns, even though I was 10+ when my little sister was born and I was confident with her then. That was a long time ago though. I felt nervous holding my niece and being around her when she was 6 months old, but I quickly got used to her to be fair.

I just need time to adapt, though sometimes I only need minutes and other times I need weeks apparently. Sleep deprivation probably didn’t help speed things up either.

#IThinkWhatIFindMostDifficultIsThatIFeelLikeIAmNotGettingMuchBackFromHerEmotionally
#SheIsStartingToSmileThoughIThinkItIsMostlyOnAccident
#WhenSheSmilesPurposefullyIThinkIWillFeelDifferentAsAtTheMomentItFeelsLikeSheIsABrickWall

Oh I used a simile for the hashtag, but a metaphor for the title. Interesting. Having her smile and react to me really is amazing though and it has made a huge difference.

This afternoon I was singing her Old MacDonald Had A Farm (as an app I have said it’s good for them to see the shapes your mouth pulls) and then Hey Baby by DJ Otzi (quite randomly, not sure where that song came from in my head). Whilst I was singing she was staring at me intently and then started to touch my face a lot. Maybe the face touching was not that intentional, but it seemed like she was exploring my face.

#ILoveToMakePeopleLaughAndThereIsNoBetterSoundInTheWorldThanABabyLaughing #IFindMyselfPullingTheSameFacesAndDoingThingsThatMakeMyNieceLaughAndIGetNothingOrAFrownBackFromB
#IJustHadAnOnlineSearchAndGigglingIsFromMonth3Or4AndSheIsJust1Month

I really can’t wait until she giggles. A health visitor came today and they asked if B is chuckling. I said no, but she said she meant looking like she was chuckling but not making the sound. She does do that at times.

She is over 2 months now so it’s not too long to wait! It was nice to just have a good playtime with her this afternoon, and now that I am writing these blog posts in the evening when Tiago looks after her for a bit I feel more relaxed in the day.

#ISupposeIJustHaveToWaitAndMaybeLaterIWillFeelBetter

I definitely feel better. I haven’t cried in 2 weeks, which was probably close to when she started to smile properly. I’ve also got a better work/life balance going on at the moment and I’m feeling productive. This answers the last hashtag (#IThinkIFeelRubbishBecauseThisIsMyFirstShootInNearlyAWeekAndIFeelMyWorstWhenIAmNotMakingWork).

#IAlsoFeelGuiltyThatWeHaveStartedToGiveHerADummy #ThoughIOnlyFeelGuiltyAsIWorryWhatPeopleThink
#IKnowItIsTheBestThingForMyFamil
y

Like I said yesterday I don’t feel bad about this anymore. It is the best thing for my family.

#PeopleCanBeSoJudgmentalAboutAllThingsParentingAndLifeInGeneral
#IfWeWantAdviceWeWillAskForIt

Just realised that I spelt judgmental wrong (I put judgemental) and so I had to replace it in 6 places… but yeah people are judgmental and I judge people too, though I’m trying to do less of that. I generally try to put myself in other people’s shoes and think about how they feel and why they act the way they do or do certain things.

#IAlsoToldTiagoThatINeedABitMoreAttention
#AGoodHugBeforeSleepOrWhateverAsItMakesABigDifferenceToMe
#IGuessIDoGetABitJealousSeeingBGetAllHisAttention
#ThatSeemsHardToAdmitButMostlyBecauseIKnowOneDayIWillShareAllOfThis

It definitely is hard admitting this stuff/saying it out loud to a possible audience. I thought about deleting it but it defeats the point of this blog really. I know I’m not the first person to feel this way and so it feels somewhat important to share it. When I say jealous though it’s not in a mean/hateful way though, it’s more of a casual jealousy if that makes sense?

Maybe this is why I felt distant too? Now we sometimes have good quality time as a family. It’ll be nice when she is the age where she can give and receive hugs properly. Family hugs! (heart emoji)

#TheLastFewDaysIHaveStartedToReadToBMoreToMakeSureIHaveSomeGoodQualityTimeWithHer

Yep, quality time. So important. I find myself singing the books to her and like I said I sang to her a lot earlier. I think my singing voice is getting a little better which is a nice side effect, though maybe I really sound like a screeching cat. I think quality time will get even more special as she gets older and responds more. If she’s how she is now after 9 weeks, then I know she will be doing so much more very soon. It’s exciting! These hashtags are quite negative, but I really am more positive about everything and more excited about watching her grow.

#ItFeelsLikeSettingUpABlogWasNotTheSmartestThingToDoRightNowButIGuessItIsBecauseIPutTooMuchPressureOnMyselfAndItShouldBeMoreCasual

Referencing my blog in my work, how fun. I definitely feel like I’m enjoying the blog more these days though. This is post 14 of the current 27 that need to be made, so at this rate it will probably take me at least 3 weeks to catch up on myself depending on how much I shoot and if I skip some days.

This blog is a really good exercise in just saying what I think as I don’t have time to make up lies or skip around things too much.

The hashtags are a good exercise in themselves, but expanding on them like I do in this blog is another level in terms of pushing myself out of my comfort zone and feeling confident with my words.

Hearing friends who just had babies say that they read certain blog posts really pushes me on too.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

First Family Portrait Session (28th June 2020)

This is a short post with a couple of photos from our first family portrait session. I feel a bit bad that it took us 2 weeks after she was born to do it, but I’ve been meaning to do another one since and it’s already been 6 weeks.

First Family Portrait Session (28th June 2020)
 
#OurFirstFamilyPortraitSession
#IHaveWantedToDoItForAFewDaysButYesterdayWeWereFinallyReady
#AndTiagoWantedHisHairCutSoIWantedAPictureOfHimWithHairAndHisBeard
#WritingThisADayLaterAsIDidNotHaveTimeYesterdayOrRatherIWasBusyWithOtherThings
#IDidNotUseFlashAsIDidNotWantToScareOrHurtBThoughSheSleptThroughTheWholeThing
#IPutMeAndTiagoInOurMatchingTopsToReferencePicturesFromMyPregnancyProject
#ThoughLaterOnInTheDayWePutBInAStripeyOnesieAndIHadAStripeyDressOn
#SoWeNeedToDoAStripeyPictureAtSomePoint
#IBreastFedMoreYesterday
#IFeltMoreRelaxed
#HerLatchSeemedBetterThoughInTheNightItWasNotAndNowMyNipplesAreSoSore
#AllSheDoesIsEatSleepAndGoToTheToiletWithPlaytimeIfAndWhenSheIsAlert
#TheDaysSeemSoLongInAGoodWay
#ThoughTheLastTwoNightsWeHaveGoneToBedTooLate
#LastNightSheHadBadWindAndWasAwakeMostOfTheNight
#WeNeedToStartHavingANapAt8PMAgain
#WeHaveSomehowManagedToMisplaceOneOfOurFabricWrapsForCarryingHerIn
#ItHasToBeInTheFlatButWhoKnowsWhereItIs
#IKeepLosingMyPhoneToo
#IDoNotWantToSayItIsBabyBrainAsIFindThatTermSoRude
#IThinkItIsJustACaseOfConstantlyMovingAboutAndHavingToGoFetchThings
#IStillUseMyPhoneButIFaffOnItALotLess
#IReadTheNewsForAbout10MinutesYesterdayWhichIsMoreThanIHaveInAWhile
#IDoNotWantToJustBeInABabyBubbleButItIsKindOfNice
#IAmDefinitelyFeelingALotBetterAboutParentingNowThatIAmHavingNaps
#NotSleepingForTwoWeeksReallyMessedMeUp
#IWouldJustGetSoTiredAndThenHaveAMeltdown
#ItIsGoodIHaveThisProjectNowAsICanNotBeBotheredToWriteInMyNormalDiaryInAsMuchDetailAboutLifeAnymore
#IOrderedOneOfThose5YearDiariesWhereYouWriteAFewLinesEachDayThisMorning
#ThatSeemsMoreManageable
 
First Family Portrait Session (28th June 2020) II

I tried putting different things over B’s face. A blue box seemed a bit too boring, so I tried drawing on them. Originally I drew a lot of flowers, but it looked a bit too much. I still want to keep experimenting with what to put over her face though, so these might not be the final photos.

But here is the first photo of us as a family – not long after she was born – with a boring white box over her face:

First Picture Of All Of Us

Some comments relating to the hashtags:

#ThoughTheLastTwoNightsWeHaveGoneToBedTooLate
#LastNightSheHadBadWindAndWasAwakeMostOfTheNight
#WeNeedToStartHavingANapAt8PMAgain

We are still going to bed too late… Tiago will often say ‘okay let’s go to bed soon’. I’ll try to settle B, T will fall asleep waiting and I’m up until 1. Last night I think we managed to go to bed at 11pm though. We need to work on making the room a lot darker a lot earlier as think this might help. Sometimes if we’re not ready to sleep we don’t push things though. I’d rather feed her a little more in hope that she’ll then let me sleep longer.

#WeHaveSomehowManagedToMisplaceOneOfOurFabricWrapsForCarryingHerIn
#ItHasToBeInTheFlatButWhoKnowsWhereItIs

I know you’re desperate to know if we found it. Yes we did. It was behind the pillows on the bed…

#IKeepLosingMyPhoneToo
#IDoNotWantToSayItIsBabyBrainAsIFindThatTermSoRude
#IThinkItIsJustACaseOfConstantlyMovingAboutAndHavingToGoFetchThings

I’m losing my phone a lot less now (or maybe I like to think that). I still don’t like the term ‘baby brain’. I think ‘tired brain’ is more accurate.

#IStillUseMyPhoneButIFaffOnItALotLess
#IReadTheNewsForAbout10MinutesYesterdayWhichIsMoreThanIHaveInAWhile
#IDoNotWantToJustBeInABabyBubbleButItIsKindOfNice

Now I’m back to trying to use it less and read more instead of faffing.

I finished reading a book yesterday, which I started after she was born – The Son and Heir: A Memoir by Alexander Münninghoff.

#IAmDefinitelyFeelingALotBetterAboutParentingNowThatIAmHavingNaps
#NotSleepingForTwoWeeksReallyMessedMeUp
#IWouldJustGetSoTiredAndThenHaveAMeltdown

I still need to learn to rest more. With the blog I need to learn to be more efficient, especially if I want to catch up and post my project in real-ish time. Sometimes I feel like I need to explain/share a lot though – like with yesterday’s post about feeding.

Some days I plan to do a lot of work, but I end up faffing and I don’t completely relax either. So, I’m trying to get better with planning my time – working well when B is asleep or T is looking after her, and then having better quality time with B when she’s awake. I’ve already failed with the planning as I haven’t allocated time for relaxing/resting when B is asleep too.

I was guilty of not having a good life balance before having a baby, so now it is more important than ever. She has already grown so much and time is flying by…


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Pai

Tiago’s First British Father’s Day

This morning’s big idea (whilst listening to Keycard by Sebastian Maschat & Erlend Øye with Clara Cebrián for the 100th time) was to create a new category called Oh Me, Oh Pai.

I think it makes sense for Tiago (Pai – which means Dad and rhymes with pie) to have his own category/project, though I guess it will grow a lot slower.

I just told him that I’ve done it and asked him to guess the name. He said Oh Me, Oh Mãe. I said ‘No, Oh Me, Oh…’ and pointed at him.

Tiago: Dad…. T…..

Me: Pai

T: I was nearly there…

(Oh Me, Oh T would have also worked to be fair – maybe that’s a future project or a name for the pictures I’ve taken of us together in the past. Thanks for the inspiration Tiago.)

Anyways…

Tiago’s First British Father’s Day

#FathersDayInTheUKWasOnThe21stJuneIn2020 #ITookThisPhotoThenAsIKnewIWantedToDocumentTheOccasion #FathersDayInPortugalIsOn19thMarchEveryYear #TiagoDoesNotReallyCareMuchAboutTheDay #ThoughMaybeHeWillOnceBGetsOlderAndCanUnderstandWhatItIsAbout #IDoNotLikeTheCommercialSideOfItButIThinkItWillBeANiceTimeToSayThanksToTiagoInTheFuture #AnywaysItIsNow31stJulyAsIHaveNotWantedToBotherTiagoAboutWritingHashtags #AndIKnowHimBeingInterviewedByMeIsNotHisFavouriteThing #ButThisMorningIAskedHimQuestionsWhilstHeBoiledSomeEggs
#HeSaid
#IFeelGoodBeingAFather
#ItFeelsNaturalYouKnowIFeelHappy
#IFeelWholesomeDoesThatExist
#MyLifeCameFullCircle
#TheBabyMadeMeAnEmotionalHuman
#NowMyHeartIsExposedToTheElements
#BeforeIWasPragmaticAndRationalAndNowIAmMoreEmotional #MyEmotionsComeUpQuickerAndIReactFaster
#IShowedHimThePicture
#HeSaidShitttThatsCoolSendItToMe
#HeAskedToSeeItAgainAndSaidHeMissesLittleB
#SheHasGrownSoFastAlready
#ThePictureIsARepresentationOfAWonderfulTimeWeHad #HeThenMadeTheseLittleWeirdSoundsThatWeMakeWhenWeFindThingsCute #TheNoiseIsSomeKindOfMixOfADogAndAWolfIThink #InTheFirstWeekOfBeingHomeIKeptTellingTiagoHeWasChangingHerNappiesWrong #HeGotUpsetAsHeHadNotBeenShownInHospitalLikeIHad #IThenGotUpsetAsIHadUpsetHimAndWeCriedTogether
#HeSaysHeWasFeelingHormonalAndSensitive
#HeIsSuchAGoodDadAndThisMorningBSmiledWidelyAtHim

So this is ‘Tiago’s First British Father’s Day’. It could have just been called ‘Tiago’s First Father’s Day’, but like the hashtags say Portugal has Father’s Day on 19th March every year and I guess I’ll document that day too.

I like how they have it on the same day every year (though I find it odd seeing that it will be on a Friday next year) as I never know when Mother’s and Father’s Day in the UK is. Mother’s Day in Portugal looks like it is the first Sunday in May, so it doesn’t have a fixed date? Interesting.

(Just went to put Portuguese Father’s Day in my calendar and noticed it’s the same date that we got engaged. Well, we were just sitting in bed the morning after going to a party where someone said they thought we’d get married next, and we said shall we get married? I think that’s pretty much all there is to the story…)

I haven’t included any outtakes as the other pictures from the shoot look pretty similar. From now on I’ll probably only share outtakes that I REALLY like. I feel like I’ve been sharing some that aren’t worthy and it takes time sorting through them.

I chose the photo where B’s face is really in focus, but I don’t want to put her face on the internet. I’ve probably talked about it before (I know I have in the hashtags of a pregnancy photo), but so much about me and my life is on the internet that I don’t want her face or name has to be on it. She deserves some privacy as she can not consent, though I guess me talking about her and her being in my dance videos is a bit debatable. (In the videos she is in a carrier facing me.)

I’ve put a blue dot over her face for now, though I’d like to experiment with other ways to hide her face. I was thinking about reworking this photo at some point, but perhaps the dot will stay. I quite like it as she is so small in the photo anyways and I took the blue from the bean bag. That bean bag has come in quite useful for feeding her on, but it’s just difficult to get up from afterwards…

I feel like there’s not much more to comment on with the hashtags as they’re mainly by Tiago. I am hoping at some point he will write a post about fatherhood. Him crying because I broke his confidence was a low moment in the early days. I still feel bad about it. I’d been in hospital for 4 nights and I was nervous about changing nappies, but I came home fairly confident about it. I showed him a couple of times and then just kept correcting him… We were both quite tired.

I talked to him about the hashtags the night before I wrote them and he was being very poetic. I wish I had wrote them down. Something about a tsunami of something (to do with emotions).

He is a really good Pai though. I saw a guy with a kid on his shoulders yesterday who were having a great time. I can’t wait to see Tiago and B interacting like that.

I asked Tiago if he wants to add anything else. He just said that it’s a good picture. I’m not so sure about the right side of the photo, but that’s what I got for not using flash as I wanted to protect B’s eyes, which is way more important.

As you can’t see, I thought I should say she is asleep in the picture. Just like she is now on Tiago’s legs (or now on my lap as I am checking it over one last time before posting).

Happy belated Father’s Day to T and all the other Dads and father figures out there!


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General

Hi!

Me (and B) at my first solo show in February 2020 at Vasli Souza in Oslo, Norway.

Hi, I’m Jocelyn. I’m an artist who mainly works with photography, video, performance and dance.

Me in Liverpool Women’s Hospital at the end of a 4 night stay with B.

I decided to set up this blog in June 2020 after giving birth to my daughter, my first child who I will refer to as B. I do not plan to show her face.

Young Jocelyn Freya.

Jockey Greys is a suggested autocorrection of Jocelyn Freya – my first two names – that I remembered whilst trying to think of a name for the blog.

29 weeks pregnant in a photo from my pregnancy project Waiting For Things In A Time When You Rarely Wait For Things.

It’s early days, but I plan to post my work (I documented my pregnancy and am making a new series about motherhood), and to share my experiences as a new mother, as well as talk about anything and everything else that interests me.

On our wedding day in 2018 at our local registry office.

My husband, Tiago, also plans to contribute from time to time, with thoughts on fatherhood, recipes and whatever else he feels like sharing.

Tiago moved to London for 3 months in 2008 after finishing his degree in Audiology in Coimbra, Portugal, and decided to stay in the UK.

I relocated to London in 2010 after finishing my BA in Photographic Art in Newport, Wales.

We met in 2015 (via Tinder), and moved to Liverpool in late-2018. Our plan is to eventually move to the Azores and the island where Tiago grew up, which was when I intially planned to start a blog.

Now to get blogging…

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