Often her naps in the morning are quite good and we have a consistent cycle, but by the afternoon her naps get shorter, so I knew it did not matter too much. Though I will try not to let it happen again. T just seemed keen to play, so I thought why not.
She still falls asleep a lot when I feed her. I feel like I should talk to her, but there’s only so much I can say and she doesn’t seem to care so I try to read to her. Though recently I have just started to watch films as I need to relax and this seems like a good time to do it.
Yesterday and today I have been watching the 2000s Charlie’s Angels films. I have never seen them before. Maybe because lockdown is so dull I feel like I need some action in my life? I hope B learns karate or something.
I know it is the coding course that is bothering me the most. I don’t do well with educational deadlines. I’m ahead of schedule, but still I’m getting stressed out? I’m a weirdo.
T told me to have a rest whilst B napped, but I said I was going to take the pictures for these hashtags. He said I’m nuts. I think he is right…
Will I ever stop being tired? I was going to have a nap this morning during B’s first nap, but she sleeps so well then that I knew I should get up, stretch and try to do some coding.
I’m attempting the 30 days of yoga again. I think I tried too soon before when I had a big gap (diastasis recti) and so it wasn’t the best idea. Now I think it is okay to do it though.
Oh joy. Though my Nan is under lockdown in Birmingham, so now I feel a little glad that we don’t have to try to attempt some weird meetup in a pub. Obviously I’d love to see her, but logistically it would be a right faff.
Yesterday to get into the building I had to walk by two guys who were smoking right by the entrance. They barely moved for me and then I awkwardly had to open the door and get through with the pushchair, whilst they continued to stand right by it but acted like I was not there. I guess from today they will be told to move.
I can not really imagine a world where I feel safe around strangers/lots of people again. Though I did adapt pretty quickly at the hospital when I had B…
It is full on and I have been doing it for three months. Tiago does look after her too, but Monday to Friday 7-5ish she is mainly my responsibility, then I need to worry about producing her milk at all times.
We have been struggling with giving her a bottle feed a day as she struggles with the teats, but I think we have fixed it. I decided to get her some slow flow teats and that seems to have done the trick. Sometimes I let her suck my finger (that sounds odd) and I realised how strong she was getting, so with the other teats I think she often is drowning in milk. She had a dream feed last night with the slow teat and she drank most of it.
(5th October – The slow teats definitely did the trick. She has a dream feed with a bottle every night now and she usually feeds quite well.)
I feel like I have so many conversations going on all over the place and I am bored of them. I just want to have in person conversations, but it is difficult.
(5th October – Rules have got stricter since. I am trying to have a social media detox of sorts. I’ve deactivated my Facebook, made a long password for my Twitter that I don’t know and logged out, trying to go on Instagram less, and aiming to have more video calls and less WhatsApp chit chat.
I am finding social media difficult at the moment. Some people are living under less strict rules and have something that resembles a ‘normal’ life. The weather was so bad today that we couldn’t even go for a walk.)
Sometimes I see women pushing pushchairs on walks and I hope they’ll talk to me, but I’m so awkward now with not having much in person interaction. I usually have my sunglasses on and can’t make eye contact when they’re off.
It’s just a weird time to meet people with social distancing and all. I’m writing this on 18th September and it looks like new rules will be introduced for Liverpool tonight.
(5th October – Yeah they changed. There are no baby classes that are easily accessible for me right now. I’m finding zoom classes awkward and I haven’t attended one ‘live’ in weeks.
I actually just got an email to say that she’s thinking about going back to in-person classes, and they’re out of the way for us. So looks like I’ll be looking into other options and probably having to embrace zoom again.)
I say we, but really it’s me as I’m the one looking after her all day.
I said to Tiago earlier that I am jealous of his life as he gets to go out for work and do stuff. He went on a bike ride last night. I want to go on a bike ride.
Yesterday all her naps were no longer than thirty minutes. Then I messed up with her last nap of the day as it took so long for her to go to sleep that it then basically became her bedtime. I hadn’t done any of her bedtime routine and we missed out a feeding.
We gave her a dream feed and she didn’t wake up, but she had been asleep for so long that of course she was going to wake up early in the morning. I tried to delay her feed and it worked a bit, but after 6 hours I gave up. It is recommended to not use the dummy as the first way to extend sleep, but I was so tired that I kept giving it to her first.
Last night felt like the latest I had stayed up in a while, but I did not achieve anything as I was so tired and just faffed.
I am guessing she will wake up soon so I won’t have to worry about what picture it’s going to be right now. I don’t know how many more pictures of myself in my underwear in my living room I can deal with.
I will probably try to take a picture with her, so I should set my stuff up ready.
(It felt like the easiest thing to do was to do a shoot whilst I fed her. She moves her hands/arms around a lot whilst feeding now, so I like that I got one with her arm like this as I love arm poses. I think I have also been feeling overwhelmed though as I often feel sore from feeding and so I was dreading feeding her at times.)
I have had these similar phases for years. I guess I am just tired and I’ll snap out of it. Yesterday I had one of those (frequent) realisations that so many people are trying to do what I am trying to do.
I made my YouTube channel originally knowing I would get mean comments, but a mean comment yesterday made me feel really crummy. Usually people write something mean and then delete it as they know they’re being an asshole, but this person still has not deleted it.
It’s also annoying when people write something as if it is not your channel. As if it is a random video on someone else’s channel where the person who it is is not easily identifiable.
I guess you never know what is going on in someone else’s life. Sounds like they’re going through a bad time too if they feel the need to leave horrible comments on random videos.
I love the confidence that people have to write such things. Well I guess it is easy when you have no profile picture and a name that is nothing like your own. I find leaving comments awkward and I usually only write positive ones…
(5th October – I was feeling a lot better, but today I seem to have slipped a bit. Tiago was off work last week, so it was nice to have more support in the day. Now he’s back working again – though only in the other room, but I don’t like bothering him.
I don’t like not knowing when we can see my family again. It was nice to see them when we could and to have a bit of support, but now it’s all been taken away from us again. Obviously we’re not the only people affected by this and some people have less help, but it is frustrating.)
I actually need to wake B up now to feed her.
I have been trying to get up at 7am every day to have something that resembles a routine. This morning my alarm went off (the first day that I set one) and I pressed snooze. I thought B would wake up shortly anyways.
Woke up again and it was 7.40am. Okay we’ll try again tomorrow…
I don’t see why I make it such an issue when I know that she usually will have a nap again after an hour. I like to get stuff done in the morning so I can relax a little – at least I have done something today now.
(5th October – I will wake up at 3am and be wide awake, but I always feel AWFUL at 7am. I wanted a nap this morning, but I knew it was a good time to get things done as she usually sleeps alright. I then planned to nap in the afternoon, but I thought I better do the washing up and other things.)
T does an excellent job of tidying the main room (living room/dining room/kitchen/my ‘studio’) but the other rooms seem to get a bit forgotten. Typically we said we wanted an early morning inspection when I feel like we need the time, but it will be good to not spend the whole day worrying. They have inspected it as a mess before.
They do not know we have a baby. I thought they would see me at an inspection and it would be obvious, but those inspections got cancelled due to the pandemic. Do you have to call to say you’ve had a baby? I don’t think so, but tomorrow they will see anyways.
I am not the world’s tidiest person, but I would actually love someone to have B for a bit so I could tidy the hell out of this flat. I want to organise things properly and get really into nesting mode.
I guess I could do it, but I write blog posts instead. And I actually feel much better after having written this one.
(5th October – We managed to get the flat looking alright and she never even commented about us having a baby. It turns out that one of our fire alarms has not had a battery in it since we moved in, so luckily that is sorted now. I was sure that they had tested it before, but obviously not.)
Apologies for another picture of me in my underwear. I said that I would not change my clothes for shoots, and as the weather is warm whilst I write this (on the 15th September) I am just lounging around like this.
It is just easier for feeding, and as I haven’t been out yet today I haven’t had to put any other clothes on. I guess it is an accurate portrayal of having a summer baby in a warm flat…
(Since writing this the weather has turned and I’ve been enjoying lounging around in a long sleeved top and pyjama bottoms.)
Will it ever stop being weird? I don’t think so. How has it been 3 months already though?
(I was thinking this morning – 2nd October – that I haven’t said this in a while, but obviously I have. We generally have a few free hours these days between her going to bed and her dream feed, which is when I usually do my coding course. I am so caught up in my own stuff that I do sometimes temporarily forget that I have a kid. That sounds bad, but it is because I still find it weird that I grew a baby inside me.)
I have been trying to go to bed earlier. We ended up getting home late, so I fed her and we all went to bed around 11pm-ish? She woke up at 4am and I gave her her dummy thinking that she would be crying again within 5 minutes. I lay down again and I can’t remember when she next woke up, but in the end I fed her around 7am.
When I say 8 hours between feeds I mean 8 hours from the start of her last one to the start of the next one.
I woke up around 6am and managed to do some yoga, before I woke her up to feed her. I want to start getting up at 7am every day to try to have some kind of a routine.
(2nd October – The last few nights she has gone the whole night without eating until 7am-ish. Last night she only woke up once, whereas the night before she woke up about 6 times, but I just tried to leave her for 5 minutes before intervening, and the night before that she woke up a lot and I usually just offered her the dummy straight away, which shouldn’t be my first response really. I’m learning…)
(2nd October – Everything was fine; babies are supposed to sleep a lot. I was reading the other day that someone was struggling with their baby was not sleeping so well at night and someone recommended an earlier bed time. Apparently it made a big difference. Before we were aiming for a bedtime of 8pm, but now we try for 7pm-ish. )
She has her eyes closed whilst I feed her, so I need to work on keeping her more awake during feeds still. I thought she would not need a nap so soon, but she was getting cranky half way through the video so I thought I’d see if she wanted a nap.
It also says to expect other things like clinginess, loss of appetite and other things. She seems to be feeding well at the moment, though I need to use nipple shields as one is quite painful and she only seems to like the other boob if it has a nipple shield on. I guess it is like sucking a dummy full of milk? The bad one just doesn’t seem to heal though.
(2nd October – I am just using nipple shields all the time now. I know you’re not supposed to, but sore nipples are horrible. I do occasionally go without to try to build up my resistance or something, but it just seems easier to use them. Okay, I’ve guilted myself into using them less.)
We always try to go anywhere after she has been fed. Sometimes when she is overtired she will sleep after a feed, but not last night.
Before we left the first service station we checked her nappy and it seemed fine. However, as she was crying after we left we thought it might be her nappy so T changed it on the front passenger seat (on a changing mat) at the next service station.
She was still upset after we left there, but she calmed down a little after I played white noise on my phone and tried to sooth her more. I sensed that she might just want to be cuddled, but obviously we couldn’t do that in a moving car.
She can have a long sleep or just wake up loads. I get it though, sometimes the more tired I am the harder it is to sleep. Like when I barely slept for 2 weeks after she was born…
Well she cries for other reasons, but it’s the hardest to fix. Feed? Easy (well, less so with bottles these days). Nappy change? No problem. Over tired? Oh no. I am trying to get better at realising she is tired though.
B was asleep and the food in the oven needed half an hour to cook. You never know when she will wake up, but I managed to do a shoot, hashtags and half off this blog post. I’m writing the rest while she feeds – this is probably why she falls asleep while eating.
So at least I won’t have all of this to worry about tonight. I just need to select the image to accompany all of this…
I do not really like the pictures in this project, but perhaps just doing something is better than nothing. That’s generally how it is with my work, but it would be nice if I really liked the pictures. I used to really like my pregnancy project, but looking at it yesterday maybe it isn’t even that good. I guess it is just a document of a time and that’s fine.
At least I slept well last night and had a good nap this morning.
Like I said when we visit people the routine goes out of the window. I prefer to take her out in her pushchair now, but it does not fit in the car along with everything else. This will be corrected today. I started to listen to Carrie Fisher’s biography as an audiobook whilst on walks. I love the speed up setting – particularly with my library app as you can set it to whatever speed you like. Sometimes 1.25x is too slow and 1.5x is too fast.
Wake up, feed, change, play, nap and repeat all day. I shouldn’t complain as it is rewarding, but my very first self-portraiture project was about the cycle of life. Sometimes I do find the monotonous of existing a bit dull, particularly during a pandemic. Rules are changing again, so we won’t be able to visit my Nan at home for now. Hopefully it changes again soon but who knows. We nearly didn’t make the visit, so it was lucky that we got to see her at home when we did.
(2nd October – Well, Liverpool has more lockdown rules now. So for now we can’t see anyone in their homes or gardens, and yesterday they announced a new rule of not mixing in pubs and restaurants – before it was just advised against.)
(I felt much better after finishing this post as I had been productive. B and I had a playtime full of smiles, and I got out for a walk. Win.)
I’m sat at the dining table writing this. Looking down I can see so many crumbs around my seat… We’ve started to use a fabric table cloth now so I am hoping this will help me make less mess, but it seems like there is more on the floor instead of the table now.
We had thought about getting one before. Obviously it won’t work every time, but we were impressed. We had to comfort her first though as it must be a shock after being able to throw all your limbs around to suddenly be confined.
(29th: We’ve put her in her winter one now as it’s been so cold. She seems to like it. The other day I tried to just use it as a sleeping bag (with her arms out), but her hands got cold so we’re swaddling her again for now. I’m quite jealous – it looks very cosy!)
If she wakes up around the time we’d do a dream feed then it’s fine, but if not then that’s probably her longest period of sleep for the night so it’s better that I get some sleep too. Before I would stay up to do her dream feed, then she would not fall back to sleep for ages and I’d get so cranky as I hadn’t slept so it wasn’t good.
(29th: Tiago’s been doing her dream feed now with a bottle.)
I like to read at weird times of the night now. Though I wake up at 5/6 when she wants her next feed and I feel fine. Tiago usually looks after her once I’ve finished feeding, so I can get some more sleep but then I usually wake up feeling awful. I’m going to have to start getting up at 7am like a lot of the sleep schedules recommend. It won’t be so bad now if she is sleeping better.
This is often the case – me feeling really tired and hoping to go to bed soon. Usually though it’s more that B just takes ages to settle and I end up going to bed a lot later than planned.
I was going to work on my coding homework, but I already did some earlier and I’m still on schedule to complete it ahead of time – fingers crossed. I can plan to do a shoot tomorrow daytime, but knowing my luck B’s naps might be short and she might need me to rock her to sleep with my foot.
The other day she was in her bouncer and I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, with one foot bouncing her bouncer.
Leaving this blank as I’m writing this straight after I’ve done the shoot and hashtags. Trying to give myself less work to do when I get round to publishing it…
(I did manage to stretch. Hurrah!)
I’ve talked about it before.
I feel like I haven’t heard that word used in that context for a very long time.
(I’ve since heard it a few times – funny how that happens.)
Though after looking at the pictures maybe I am getting there, but I usually see her lying down on her back or at an angle so it looks different.
I think I need to show the pictures to Tiago and get him to advise me on how to do it. He should be watching the shoot and shouting directions next time.
(Though thinking about it – maybe it looks so different because I have teeth?)
Adorable. I need to get so much storage just for all the phone pix and videos we make of her… She isn’t even 3 months old yet.
Like I said before it’s a shame that I’m not showing her face online as I just want to show the world how adorable she is. Instead everyone gets to see ugly pix of me trying to imitate her, and she looks more like Tiago!
It’s weird that the more they sleep in the day, the better they sleep at night. In the past I’ve been like ‘well at least if she doesn’t go to sleep well, she’ll sleep better during the night’. It was like that a little bit at times I think, but there have been a couple of bad nights lately and I don’t do well with bad nights. None of us do.
I don’t really know what her sleep cycles were like before to be honest. I can’t really remember. I just kind of let her sleep when she wanted to, but then she would get over tired. Once I figured out the pink eyebrows were a sign of needing to sleep, and then I read at her age she should be napping every 60-90 minutes that made me realise that things needed to change.
At least it’s good exercise… It gets super cold in Liverpool in the winter though, so that will be interesting. When I got soaked whilst taking her out for a walk the other day B was all nice and snug and dry in her bassinet at least…
I think a few people looked at me like I was a bit odd. Different lives. I was never really a going out kind of person, though perhaps I was more in London. I went to art openings more than anything else though in the evening. Who knows when I’ll be going to one of them again… (I’d take B with me, it’s more because of the pandemic.)
Tiago says he has noticed that the ‘electricity’ of the ‘old days’ is back on the streets a bit. It seemed really busy out and about that weekend, but then again we were out and about adding to the crowd…
(On the day of posting this a new lockdown has begun in Liverpool, so we’ll see how it feels now. I’m guessing it won’t change much, though I hope it does. We got told by email yesterday to wear masks when we go in and out of our building, for the first time.)
I used to think about accessibility a bit before, but now I have a 4-wheeled thing to push around I definitely think about it a lot. I have to change the routes I walk now because of it. You realise how bumpy some surfaces are, steps that you never thought twice about before are a bit bothersome now, you notice how narrow paths are or how lopsided they are etc. You see places in an entirely new light…
I heard the rain hitting the window earlier on, but I wanted to go out for B to have her next nap as she sleeps better with movement. Her previous naps had been in the bouncer. I couldn’t hear the rain so I assumed it was just spitting.
We did not go for a walk the whole bank holiday weekend. As Tiago isn’t at work it’s good to catch up with things, so though we plan to go out often it doesn’t happen. Generally we say for most of the day that we will go out, but then it gets too late. We need to not do that again…
“Mission”. We needed some things and I thought if T went out then it would take up some of the evening. I had been thinking about going to the supermarket for a while, so it seemed like a good time to do it.
It wasn’t raining enough to feel like ‘I should turn around and wait until later’. Though maybe it was a little and I was committed? Once you’ve got your baby ready and you’re out the house, it’s a big thing to be like nah… later.
I was looking forward to the walk, but yeah it got too much too fast. I keep an umbrella on the handlebars, but it was too windy for it and it’s a bit of a faff pushing it and holding an umbrella. I’m not that skilled yet!
I kept trying to ‘park’ out of the way whilst I checked my shopping list and messaged Tiago to say how soaked I was. Occasionally an aisle was too narrow, so I’d have to leave B and quickly go grab something.
I was hoping to just go to a cashier as I thought it would be quicker, but they weren’t open. I guess it is safer to not go to them, but I have always found the self service machines stressful if you have more than a few items.
The rain worked in my favour with the shop, but not with feeling physically good.
(I haven’t been back since and I don’t really plan to unless she is in a carrier as it was so stressful. I went to some clothes shops yesterday to get her some vests and even some of the aisles of baby clothes are too narrow for a pushchair.)
She had woken up and I usually give it back to her to help her go back to sleep. I wasn’t going to open up her waterproof cover, but I thought I should try to in case she started to cry later on and I would not be able to stop anywhere else that was so dry. In the end it was fine though and she drifted back off to sleep. Win.
I went to swear at them, but then I noticed how deep the puddle was and I hadn’t really felt it. The splash looked quite big though, so they could have driven slower but they probably saw how wet I was anyways.
I felt a bit self-conscious about soaked I was, but other pedestrians looked the same.
He saw me in my comfy clothes and said I should get into bed, but I said no I have to write my hashtags and then I wrote this blog post…
(The next day I realised that the rain had also ruined my sunglasses. They used to be blue tinted, but whatever makes them blue had started to come away as I had left them soaking wet in the organiser of the pushchair. Great. I’m going to have to see if I can completely remove that layer so I can salvage them and just have black sunglasses. Exciting stuff!)
To be fair there were some dodgy looking pictures and I get enough weird messages as it is. In the end it was between this one and one that did look dodgy. I preferred this one, but I thought I’d ask T his opinion; I was happy when he also liked this one.
Maybe it looks more like I am just thinking. I do suck/bite my fingers when I am stressed (perhaps less now due to Covid now), so maybe it’s a similar thing. I think she is just discovering her body more though. I got reminded that she will be grabbing her feet and things soon, which will be funny!
I love how I don’t do a shoot for a few days and then I photograph two ideas. It’s how it goes. I’ve written the blog posts on the same day as the shoots, which at least is a good exercise in editing my shoots down quickly. It feels really good to be up to date with these things – until I make more work for myself.
A certain furniture store was out of stock of certain things – like the cot we wanted – and then wasn’t delivering other things that we wanted. When they reopened we thought the queues would be too much, so we held off and tried to find them second hand. In the end we were too slow at getting them, so T finally braved it. He said there were still big queues and a lot of people going in together. I’d love to go round a shop, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to go as a family.
Anyways, we built them pretty fast and it’s nice to have my art books out finally after living in Liverpool for 20 months!
(I’ve been thinking about these few hashtags since I wrote them and I feel awkward about them, but it’s how I feel.)
It is just a bit weird. Some people stop talking to you once you get pregnant, some stop talking to you once you’ve had a kid, some people it just feels awkward to talk to etc.
I know that some people feel bad for not being productive; I don’t want them to feel that way. Some people say they aren’t productive, but I bet they are in different ways to me.
I would love to just be relaxing, but I’m not very good at it. I’m trying to be more relaxed during the day though when me and B hang out though. I’m also lucky that Tiago understands that I need some time to do my own thing.
I guess I’ve always felt like I’ve never really fitted in anywhere anyways. Well, I feel like I fit in with my new family of T and B and that’s really good. I can be myself with them – for now. Maybe B will find me embarrassing in a few years’ time, but we will just have to wait and see!
I’ve said since before B was born that I need to retain some of my past identity. When I say that I mean just being able to do my art stuff as it is important for my mental health. I am at my worst when I feel like I haven’t done anything as my work is very therapeutic for me.
(I’m currently feeling a little stressed as I’ve started the next phase of my coding course – my session today took me longer than I planned and I didn’t do my task well – and I haven’t done a shoot in 4/5 days. Hopefully I will take photos tomorrow.)
Well, she will one day know that I can not provide her with everything she needs because it is impossible.
It is also hard to write about feeling lonely at times. I think I feel this way because of the pandemic too though; things would be a bit different if we weren’t going through this. It is odd though as a lot of people act like it is not happening.
I was bouncing her in her bouncer while she slept. I finished the hashtags and got up to do a YouTube video. T took over bouncing duties, but she noticed the difference and she woke up pretty quickly.
Luckily she was pretty chilled and allowed me to finish. I think I fed and changed her, then I did a baby yoga video with her. I need to start doing more baby classes with her as it is good quality time and I feel like she gets a lot out of them. We are starting a new course soon, so hopefully she will enjoy it more now that she is a bit older.
(We have since started a new course and we haven’t been able to get through a class in one go – the last one we did it took 3 separate sessions to complete.
I hope this blog post makes sense. When I wrote it I was probably tired and now checking it I am quite tired. I’ve started to go to bed at 9pm if I can, but it seems that I can never sleep enough.)
I started to read when I only had 10 days left. I assumed I wouldn’t read it and would just return it like I do with a lot of books, but I’ve got quite into it. It’s called Diamonds at the Lost and Found by Sarah Aspinall. I love a good childhood memoir, but I was mainly drawn in by the cover on the library app. I tend not to read too much blurb as I like to be surprised.
(Well I finished it and now I’m reading Such A Fun Age by Kiley Reid.)
If you’re interested it was some olive tapenade on bread, some Sao Jorge cheese on bread and two eggs. I was worried the eggs would run over her head, so I asked him to put them on toast but the bread was small and I knew I would make a mess. Fun times.
It’s not the world’s best picture, but I only took a few. One was blah, one showed me licking the tear with my tongue (possibly interesting but odd) or this one which actually shows the tear but is a bit blurry. I guess the blurriness shows my hurried state these days – taking a few quick pictures in the bathroom then running back to my baby.
It’s such an amazing feeling to see her smiling at me; I’m getting emotional just writing this.
I wrote a post about my image/hashtags called My Baby Is A Brick Wall (14th July 2020), which talks about that I think I’ll find motherhood easier/better when B smiles and it is definitely true. Before it was hard when she didn’t show me any positive emotion, but obviously now that she does it makes me cry too – though in a good way.
Today B had some more injections and the person administering them (I never know the job titles of medical professionals) said it’s a shame that she never gets any babies smiling at her now because she has to wear a mask. I don’t think B just gets confused when I wear one, but it is true that she smiles less as me smiling at her usually triggers her to smile.
I have a hand movement for each vowel now. I’ll have to make a video of it and put it on my Instagram at some point, but without B as I don’t show her face. (Maybe I’ll get T to pretend to be B.)
I read that they like Old Macdonald Had A Farm, because of the vowel bit in the song. I sing it to her quite a bit, but also just say vowels at her… He has a lot of cows, because moo is a good mouth shape for her to copy. He also has a few cats and then whatever other animals I can think of.
IT IS SO ADORABLE. I’m kind of annoyed at myself for choosing not to show her face as I just want to show the world how cute she is (and strong, and intelligent and smart etc.), but I also know that I should protect her privacy a bit.
(I feel like me saying I should protect her privacy makes me sound like I think I’m some ‘big shot’ or something. I don’t…)
It’s funny how quickly these things become a thing of the past. I don’t do this anymore… It’s a good job I record the songs that I make up for her as I often record them and then don’t sing them anymore.
I’ve also started to take less pictures of feeding her, because of how her hands are. The other day she was putting her hands down my top whilst I fed her? She doesn’t know what she is doing, but it is funny.
There were a couple of days where I didn’t, but I’m trying to do it once a day now. Mainly because it’s easier to give her her vitamin D in a bottle of milk, but also because I hope it helps keep my milk production up.
I realise that since I stopped pumping so much, when I do I don’t produce so much but I guess it’s more of a supply and demand now, whereas before I was probably over-producing.
(I’m trying to pump once a day now. Yesterday it took me a while to get 60ml from one boob and then I spilled 40ml of it over the bed – great.)
Well I ended up doing a week or so later. I used too much paint and she really wasn’t in the mood for tummy time – which is unusual for her. Or perhaps she wasn’t in the mood for me to drag her hands, make her walk on it or sit on it…
She seems to be waking herself up my crying in her sleep a bit more lately. I think she does has bad dreams. It’s kind of cute when she does it, but I feel bad as I can’t stop her having bad dreams. I said it in my last post, but what do babies dream about?
I think it is probably actually a ‘2-in-1’ system or something, but who really cares?
I did briefly work in a baby shop many years ago, but obviously I never learned the difference then. It’s a bit weird thinking about it now as back then I don’t think I had that much interest in babies or thought I would end up having one of my own…
(I think from my early 20s or before I knew I wanted kids, but that it would not happen anytime soon.)
We signed up to the NCT group as we had no idea about babies, but also because we wanted to meet more expectant parents in Liverpool. We knew a handful of people when we moved here at the end of 2018, and though we have made new friends we still didn’t know that many people. Some reviews did say that it was an expensive way to buy friends, but we thought we’d give it a go.
We ended up ‘meeting’ over Zoom due to lockdown and though at first I found it awkward, I eventually got over it. I was tired for weeks after the course as I think the stress of being on video to strangers stressed me out. That may sound weird as I’m in a lot of my work, but being a student on a course via webcam is a completely different thing.
I’ve since met a couple more, so there’s only one mother and baby that B and I haven’t met yet.
I have since figured out where I was going wrong – there was a bit that you can push up or down that makes it easier. I did last read the instructions back in April, which is unusual for me as I just prefer to figure things out for myself unless I get really stuck.
Perhaps it’s not a normal way to think, but it seems to be how I operate these days. I guess it’s good though as otherwise I wouldn’t have a lot of images, though I don’t like being clumsy at times.
I am enjoying that I am not forcing pictures for this project though – I’m not doing random shoots and hoping something works. I usually have an idea in mind these days, which is a quicker way to work, and that is great – especially when you have a baby.