Categories
Pregnancy Waiting II

Imitating B Dancing (14 Weeks / 8th August 2021)

Me with my right arm in front of my body imitating B dancing.
Imitating B Dancing (14 Weeks / 8th August 2021)
 
#BHasStartedToDanceMoreToSongsWhichIsReallyNiceToSee
#SheUsuallyDoesALotOfIntricateSteppingButSheAlsoPutsHerRightArmInFrontOfHerAtTimes
#BIsConstantlyKneeingMeInTheStomachOrUsingMyBellyAsALeaningPost
#ObviouslySheDoesNotKnowWhatSheIsDoingButItDoesFreakMeOutABit
#SheHasStartedToDoHerSuperCheekySmileAgainWhichMakesMeLaugh
#SheDoesItALotWhileSheRidesOnHerZebraWhichSheCanClimbOnAndPlayWithByHerselfNow
#ThoughSheLikesToScareMeByActingABitLikeAStuntRiderAndStandingUpOnIt
#WeHaveStartedToGiveHerHerMilkAtTheEndOfMealsNow
#BeforeWeWouldGiveItHerAtTheStartOfMealsAndSheWouldJustDrinkItAllUntilItWasGone
#IAmHopingThisMeansSheWillEatMoreNowAndSleepBetter
#ThoughThisMorningSheWasUpSuperEarlySoMaybeNot
#WeUsuallyGiveHerSomeGreekStyleYoghurtBeforeBedtimeButInTheLastFewDaysIHaveBeenStrugglingToEvenLookAtIt
#IDoNotKnowWhyButMyBodyIsRepulsedByItAndItMakesMeWantToMeSick
#IAmStillStrugglingWithBrushingMyTeethAtNightThoughIHaveNotBeenSickInSixDays
#IHaveAnnouncedThatIAmPregnantNowWhichIsMaybeTooEarlyButItIsWhatItIs
#EveryCrampWorriesMeButIGuessMyBodyHasALotOfStretchingToDoAndItHasToCleanItself
#WhenIWasPregnantWithBIAteALotOfJacketPotatoesButIAmYetToHaveOneWithThisPregnancy
#IAmQuiteIntoBeetrootAtTheMomentAndAnythingVinegaryReally
#MyMainConcernCurrentlyThoughIsItIsAWeekUntilOurHolidayAndNotGettingCovidBeforeWeGo
#IDoNotThinkWeHaveHadItYetButKnowingOurLuckWeWillGetItThisWeek
#LastWeekBAndIMetUpWithAFriendAndHerBabyAndIWasTryingToKeepMyDistance
#OfCourseIAmSuperCarefulButThenBGoesAndTriesToDrinkFromTheirWaterBottlesAndCups
#WeJustNeedThisTrip
#TiagoNeedsABreakAndHeWantsToSeeHisParentsAndHisFriends
#INeedABreakAndIWantBToMeetHerGrandparentsAndIWantToSwimInTheSeaAndHaveSomeChangeToOurGroundhogDays
#OfCourseIAmAlsoLookingForwardToSeeingLotsOfPeopleWhoIHaveNotSeenInTwoYears
#IHaveBeenFeelingQuiteLonelyAndBoredOfTheMonotonySoItWillBeNiceToSeePeopleAndHaveAHolidaySimilarButNotEntirelyTheSameAsThoseWeUsedToHaveEverySummer
#IWonderIfIWillEverMakeMoreFriendsHereButAllICanDoIsTryMyBest
#YesterdayWeWentForAWalkAndWeSawSoManyBabiesAndToddlersThatIAmNotSureWhereTheyAllCameFrom
#WeAreAllEnjoyingOurNewBedroomHangoutAtLeastAndItHelpsMixTheDaysUpABit

#BHasStartedToDanceMoreToSongsWhichIsReallyNiceToSee

We do listen to music a lot, and she sees me dancing.

Yesterday T brought her upstairs while I was doing my dance videos and I could see B trying to copy my arm actions.

#SheUsuallyDoesALotOfIntricateSteppingButSheAlsoPutsHerRightArmInFrontOfHerAtTimes

It makes me think of a photo I took for my OMOM project –

I like when I put a song on and she just starts moving around. She was moving fast to ‘I’m Still Standing’ by Elton John the other day. Sometimes she flaps her arms to songs too.

#BIsConstantlyKneeingMeInTheStomachOrUsingMyBellyAsALeaningPost #ObviouslySheDoesNotKnowWhatSheIsDoingButItDoesFreakMeOutABit

I guess the womb is built to be resilient, but I barely knocked my belly at all when I was pregnant with B. A cat walked over it once, which made me worried, but B does a lot worse to it on the daily.

#SheHasStartedToDoHerSuperCheekySmileAgainWhichMakesMeLaugh

I love it. Just super big cheesy grin with her little teeth showing more now.

#SheDoesItALotWhileSheRidesOnHerZebraWhichSheCanClimbOnAndPlayWithByHerselfNow

I say ‘giddy up’ and she goes for it.

#ThoughSheLikesToScareMeByActingABitLikeAStuntRiderAndStandingUpOnIt

I blame all this watching of the Olympics. I’ve watched so much of it this year, but today is the last day. I’m a bit relieved, though I do want to watch the Paralympics. I’m a bit sports out though – luckily I’ve just seen that it doesn’t start for 2+ weeks.

#WeHaveStartedToGiveHerHerMilkAtTheEndOfMealsNow #BeforeWeWouldGiveItHerAtTheStartOfMealsAndSheWouldJustDrinkItAllUntilItWasGone

Though now she just drinks it until it’s gone when she gets it.

#IAmHopingThisMeansSheWillEatMoreNowAndSleepBetter #ThoughThisMorningSheWasUpSuperEarlySoMaybeNot

Fun times.

#WeUsuallyGiveHerSomeGreekStyleYoghurtBeforeBedtimeButInTheLastFewDaysIHaveBeenStrugglingToEvenLookAtIt

When Tiago is busy/out and I have to give it her by myself, geez I really struggle. Yesterday just thinking about it made me want to vomit.

#IDoNotKnowWhyButMyBodyIsRepulsedByItAndItMakesMeWantToMeSick

I do not remember being this grossed out by it last time. I’ve been eating it for breakfast with turkish eggs here and there as well… I think the evenings are just not good for me.

#IAmStillStrugglingWithBrushingMyTeethAtNightThoughIHaveNotBeenSickInSixDays

I’ve been close though. The dry heaving is not much fun, especially as it leaves my stomach feeling unsettled for a bit.

#IHaveAnnouncedThatIAmPregnantNowWhichIsMaybeTooEarlyButItIsWhatItIs

Not that anyone cares, but it feels like a big step with it all.

#EveryCrampWorriesMeButIGuessMyBodyHasALotOfStretchingToDoAndItHasToCleanItself

I get worried a few times during the day. Sometimes it is just gas though… Classy.

#WhenIWasPregnantWithBIAteALotOfJacketPotatoesButIAmYetToHaveOneWithThisPregnancy

I guess I was going to the office then and it was an easy lunch solution as local cafes sold them. Thinking about it I would like a jacket potato with coleslaw now… It’s not even 8am. I feel like I ate baked beans last time, but I have not been able to touch them lately.

(15th October: I had one last weekend and it was great. Earlier I said to Tiago that we should have them for lunch this weekend.)

#IAmQuiteIntoBeetrootAtTheMomentAndAnythingVinegaryReally

I do not usually eat salt and vinegar crisps, but I am a fan at the moment.

#MyMainConcernCurrentlyThoughIsItIsAWeekUntilOurHolidayAndNotGettingCovidBeforeWeGo #IDoNotThinkWeHaveHadItYetButKnowingOurLuckWeWillGetItThisWeek

I am quite concerned. My social calendar is empty this week though – I just need to go to the doctors for an early 16 week check.

#LastWeekBAndIMetUpWithAFriendAndHerBabyAndIWasTryingToKeepMyDistance

I debated saying let’s leave it until after our holiday, but we’d missed her 1st birthday party and I do not see many people.

#OfCourseIAmSuperCarefulButThenBGoesAndTriesToDrinkFromTheirWaterBottlesAndCups

Argh. Hopefully it’ll be okay. They’ve yet to tell us they have Covid so…

#WeJustNeedThisTrip

Need or want? A lot of other people probably want or need a trip too. If it wasn’t for it being where Tiago grew up we’d just be going somewhere in the UK I’m sure. It’d be a lot less stressful.

#TiagoNeedsABreakAndHeWantsToSeeHisParentsAndHisFriends

True, he could have a break in the UK. Seeing his parents and friends is a big thing though. We last saw his parents at Xmas 2019, but in mainland Portugal rather than on the island.

#INeedABreakAndIWantBToMeetHerGrandparentsAndIWantToSwimInTheSeaAndHaveSomeChangeToOurGroundhogDays

So many wants and needs.

#OfCourseIAmAlsoLookingForwardToSeeingLotsOfPeopleWhoIHaveNotSeenInTwoYears

I want to see my parents in law as well, and see the people we usually see every summer.

#IHaveBeenFeelingQuiteLonelyAndBoredOfTheMonotonySoItWillBeNiceToSeePeopleAndHaveAHolidaySimilarButNotEntirelyTheSameAsThoseWeUsedToHaveEverySummer

Lonely when I’m with B all day? Sounds rude, but if you’re a parent I’m sure you know what I mean. It’ll be different when she can talk. It’s just weird that I have so much ‘free time’ (time where I could be hanging out with people) now and I do not really see anyone. Maybe it’ll be different when the summer holidays are over and we start classes again.

#IWonderIfIWillEverMakeMoreFriendsHereButAllICanDoIsTryMyBest

We are not planning to stay here forever, so soon it will get to the point of why bother trying to meet people. Maybe I’m just socially awkward. Maybe I’m just not a very likeable person. Maybe I’m just annoying. Maybe I have little in common with people around here. Maybe maybe maybe.

#YesterdayWeWentForAWalkAndWeSawSoManyBabiesAndToddlersThatIAmNotSureWhereTheyAllCameFrom

I recognised a couple of them, but there was a lot I’d never seen before.

#WeAreAllEnjoyingOurNewBedroomHangoutAtLeastAndItHelpsMixTheDaysUpABit

Now we can hang out downstairs, in our room, go for walks… It’s raining again. I’m so fed up with this weather. I do wonder how things would be if it wasn’t for Covid. I’m sure I’d be taking B out more – hanging out at coffee shops, there’d be more classes/groups perhaps, I wouldn’t be so scared of taking her to soft play etc. Oh well.

14 weeks pregnant with B comparison:

Self-portrait with my top lifted up so my belly is on show. I am staring down at it.
Don’t Touch My Belly (14 and a half weeks)
 
#14AndAHalfWeeks
#IWentToWrite13AndThenIHadToThinkAboutIt
#IAmTryingToNotMakeEveryPhotoShootAboutMyBellyButItIsKindOfWhereTheActionIsHappening
#IDefinitelyHaveABumpNow
#EvenIfSomeOfItIsFoodAndTrappedWind
#ThereIsDefinitelyABellyGrowingThereSlowly
#TheChildWillBeHalfPortuguese
#WellTiagoIsABritishCitizenNowSoHeIsPortugueseBritishSoThatMessesUpTheMathsABit
#ButToMeTheChildWillBeHalfPortuguese
#AndHopefullyOneDayIWillGetPortugueseCitizenship
#ButAnywaysThePortugueseCultureIsABitDifferentToTheBritish
#TheyAreVeryTouchyInGeneral
#ThisWeekIHeardStoriesOfRandomPeopleTouchingYourBump
#ItIsBadEnoughHavingMyPortugueseFamilyTryingToTouchIt
#IToldOneMemberOffAndOnOurGoodbyeSheWentForIt
#EspeciallyAsISpentTheVisitBeingSoIllAndSickAndGrim
#AndIHaveNeverBeenFondOfMyStomachAnyways
#SoHavingItTouchedByPeopleIsSoAwkwardForMe
#AFriendAtLunchReachedOutAndTouchedAndIJustSatThereStillInShock
#TiagoToldThemToBeCarefulAsIBite
#IAmLikingHavingABumpAndIAmLookingForwardToSeeingItGrow
#IJustDoNotLikeAllTheAttentionThatItBrings
#IAmThinkingThatIfPeopleTouchMyBellyThenIWillHaveToTouchTheirsBackToSendAMessage
#YeahAwkwardAndAHalf
#IWouldNotTouchPeoplesBelliesWithoutAsking
#NotThatIWouldThinkOfAskingEitherAsItIsAllAwkwardToMe
#HoweverWhenAFriendWasPregnantACoupleOfYearsAgoTheBabyWasKickingAndSheAskedMeIfIWantedToFeel
#BecauseSheAskedMeAndIWasIntriguedISaidYes
#SoMaybeIMightInvitePeopleToTouchMyBellyAtSomePointButPleaseDoNotTouchItOrAskMeTo
#AsIHateSayingNoButIProbablyWillAndThenWeWillBothFeelAwkwardWhichIsNotNice

I definitely took more bare belly shots when I was pregnant with B. I guess this project is different as a lot of it is me imitating B, so I do not have as much time for belly shots.

I avoided a lot of belly touching with B due to Covid. I’ve had a few people touching it lately without asking and my blanket response is usually ‘you’re touching my lunch’. The same family member was touching my belly on our trip and I had to tell her no again. It was awkward, but I don’t like it.

I still wouldn’t touch someone’s bump without asking, but I also don’t feel the need to touch someone’s belly or bump. It’s quite weird to be honest.

I don’t think I ever invited someone to touch my bump other than Tiago, but then again I was heavily pregnant during the first UK lockdown.

I do try to get B to ‘engage’ with my bump, but she doesn’t get it. I do look forward to her sibling kicking and B being able to see the kicks/feel them. I can just imagine her laughing…


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Categories
Pregnancy Waiting II

Portrait Of A Mother Of A Twelve Month Old (7 Weeks? / 15th June 2021)

Self-portrait sat on the floor with legs crossed. I have a hat on that says 1 on it, and I am holding the camera of a video monitor in my right hand.
Portrait Of A Mother Of A Twelve Month Old (7 Weeks? / 15th June 2021)

#ICannotAndCanBelieveThatBIsOneYearOldItHasGoneFastInSomeWaysAndVerySlowInOtherWays
#IWroteAPoemToCelebrateHerBirthdayButItIsQuiteRubbish
#HerNewTrickIsToGargleAllHerWater
#WeTookHerOutForLunchAndSheJustSatThereGargling
#WeWentToAWildlifeParkButIThinkTiagoAndIEnjoyedItMoreThoughItWasALotForHerToTakeIn
#TiagoIsBackAtWorkNowSoINeedToAdjustToNotBeingAbleToGoOffForNapsAllTheTime
#PoorTiagoIsMoreTiredThanBeforeHeHadHisWeekOffSoIFeelBadAboutThat
#IFeelKnackeredNowAndHopeIHaveTimeForAQuickLieDownAfterThis
#WeHaveStartedToGiveBGoatsMilkInsteadOfFormulaThoughWeWillChangeToCowsMilkSoon
#TodayWasTheFirstDayOfNotGivingHerFormulaWhenSheWokeUpAndIHadToGetOnWithBreakfastPrettyQuick
#MakingFoodJustMakesMeWantToVomitButINeedToEatAsOtherwiseIFeelMoreSick
#IAmSoBoredOfFeelingSickAlready
#IWasSickForTheFirstTimeTheOtherDayButIAmTryingToAvoidItAsIHateItSoMuch
#IWasHalfWayThroughMakingBsLunchOmeletteWhenIHadToRunOut
#TiagoCameToAskTheInstructionsToFinishItInbetweenMyGags
#ItIsEitherFeelHorribleAndBeSickOrFeelSickAndEatEvenThoughIDoNotFeelLikeItAndThenFeelBetter
#IMadeBABatchOfRatatouilleThisMorningAndItReallyMadeMeFeelIllDoingIt
#EatingBeigeFoodsGenerallyMakeMeFeelBetter
#IHaveBeenGettingALotOfCravingsForReallyVinegaryChipsAndMushyPeas
#LastNightBeforeGoingToBedICouldHaveEatenACheeseAndRedOnionWhiteBap
#ReallyWateredDownJuiceSeemsToBeANewThingThatIDesire
#IDoNotLikeEatingLateButIThinkIAmGoingToHaveToOtherwiseIWillProbablyStartBeingSickInTheEvenings
#WhyArePregnantPeoplePunishedByFeelingSickAllOfTheTime
#IAmNowSayingThatIAmSevenWeeksNowAsIDoThinkItIsMoreLikelyButIJustWantToBeFurtherAlongAlready
#TiagosLaptopScreenThatBBrokeAMonthAgoSuddenlyStartedToWorkAgainSoThatIsGood
#ThisPostIsSupposedToBeAboutBTurningOneButItIsMostlyAboutMyMorningSicknessAndTiredness
#InThePictureIHopeToImitatePhotosOfBThatITookToCelebrateHerBirthday
#IGotHerAHatThatSays1OnItThoughTheySentMeOneThatSaid3OnItAtFirst
#TheOnlyThingThatWouldDistractHerWasHerBabyMonitor
#AndSheWoreAOnePieceSoIWillWearTheOneIHaveStartedToWearAgainAsIKnowIWillNotGetMuchUseOutOfItThisSummer

#ICannotAndCanBelieveThatBIsOneYearOldItHasGoneFastInSomeWaysAndVerySlowInOtherWays

My little baby who could not support her own head is now one. What. A. Year.

#IWroteAPoemToCelebrateHerBirthdayButItIsQuiteRubbish

This post was initially just going to be a poem as of course it only has 30 lines, but I did not put it into hashtag form.

Here it is for the lolz:

B You Are One!

Oh what a year, oh what a ride,

But I am so grateful to have you by my side.

This poem is already cheesy and a bit cliché,

But I thought I should write something to celebrate your first birthday.

You were born during a pandemic in the year 2020,

We stayed in hospital for four days and I ate butternut squash curry aplenty.

Your Pai was relieved to see you arrive home,

Together is better than seeing us through the small screen of our phones.

You spent your first four months in Liverpool and saw lots of the river,

Nothing much was open so all we could do was walk and dither.

Then we moved to Birmingham to live with your Great Nan,

You like lots of books but a current favourite is This Old Man.

Here you’ve learned how to crawl, babble and eat,

I think soon you’ll be walking as you’re finding your feet.

You can say Dad and duck; you do like to go to the pond,

We’re trying to work out if you’ll be a brunette or blonde.

At your baby classes you like to wander and explore,

You bang your foot in time to music on the wood of the floor.

I like when you enjoy something and so clap your hands,

We hope soon you’ll get to visit friends in far distant lands.

Maybe we’ll get to go to Portugal and meet your family there,

When you sit on the swings you like to watch people and stare.

We look forward to seeing you develop and grow,

We’re learning a lot, there’s a lot we don’t know.

We still don’t know much about what parents should do,

But we’re making the effort to find out just for you.

We’re glad you’re here, you’ll always be our little B,

We love you so much and plan to do so permanently.

Here’s to your first birthday, what a year it has been,

You’re our baby, our bunny, you’re our little queen.

The End

(23rd August: I’d completely forgotten that I wrote a poem for B….)

#HerNewTrickIsToGargleAllHerWater

Great. Take a gulp. Gargle. Take a gulp. Gargle. And repeat until the whole cup is empty.

I think she has just woken up from her nap. Fail. I had the heating on as I thought she may be cold. I’ve just put it on again. I thought that I’d been putting it on in the morning, but apparently I haven’t been. I need to try that again as she keeps waking up at 5.40am and it’s too early… She seems asleep for now.

#WeTookHerOutForLunchAndSheJustSatThereGargling

Luckily two women by us found it funny. It is funny, but it’s a bit much after 20 goes of it. I guess she is clever for working it out though…

#WeWentToAWildlifeParkButIThinkTiagoAndIEnjoyedItMoreThoughItWasALotForHerToTakeIn

Most of the animals were hiding or napping, so I don’t think B saw most of them. We only got a photo of her looking at a komodo dragon.

#TiagoIsBackAtWorkNowSoINeedToAdjustToNotBeingAbleToGoOffForNapsAllTheTime

Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo. How will I cope with two kids? Though at least I won’t be feeling sick all the time. I think/hope the first trimester is the worst.

#PoorTiagoIsMoreTiredThanBeforeHeHadHisWeekOffSoIFeelBadAboutThat

🙁

#IFeelKnackeredNowAndHopeIHaveTimeForAQuickLieDownAfterThis

If B stays asleep… It’s looking unlikely.

#WeHaveStartedToGiveBGoatsMilkInsteadOfFormulaThoughWeWillChangeToCowsMilkSoon

I did some more reading about goats milk and I think we should just move to cows milk when her carton is over. Plus just having cows milk will be easier as we can use it with all her cooking.

She seemed unsure of the milk, but now I just make sure to warm it up a little bit. I gave her 100ml before she had this nap and she probably drank 80/90 of it, so that’s good. Yesterday she didn’t drink much, but it probably didn’t help that we gave her formula in the morning. Apparently it’s sweeter?

#TodayWasTheFirstDayOfNotGivingHerFormulaWhenSheWokeUpAndIHadToGetOnWithBreakfastPrettyQuick

She was upset and I thought maybe she was hungry. She got up at 5.40am. She had some water. She had breakfast at 7am.

#MakingFoodJustMakesMeWantToVomitButINeedToEatAsOtherwiseIFeelMoreSick

I make a tomato and egg omelette/scrambled egg thing for myself with garlic powder, pepper and oregano then bung it between two pieces of buttered toast. I just have to eat it slowly. I make it for myself after B’s porridge has been pancaked and the pan is still hot. Boring info.

#IAmSoBoredOfFeelingSickAlready

Boredd.

#IWasSickForTheFirstTimeTheOtherDayButIAmTryingToAvoidItAsIHateItSoMuch #IWasHalfWayThroughMakingBsLunchOmeletteWhenIHadToRunOut

I have days where I just feel sick all day. I have started a Puke Portraits II project, but I hope to just keep it to a very small number of images. I also can’t be bothered to spend the time writing hashtags and editing the images.

#TiagoCameToAskTheInstructionsToFinishItInbetweenMyGags

Lovely.

#ItIsEitherFeelHorribleAndBeSickOrFeelSickAndEatEvenThoughIDoNotFeelLikeItAndThenFeelBetter

A friend was saying the other day that when you usually feel sick you don’t want to eat and you don’t, but with pregnancy sickness you have to eat. Yep.

#IMadeBABatchOfRatatouilleThisMorningAndItReallyMadeMeFeelIllDoingIt

I was supposed to do it yesterday but Tiago was busy and I didn’t look for the passata well enough, and I felt too sick to make it so I didn’t bother trying much harder.

#EatingBeigeFoodsGenerallyMakeMeFeelBetter

Nan got some crumpets. Great. Mini cheddars seem like a good option at the moment. Crisps in general. I’m trying to eat more nuts…

#IHaveBeenGettingALotOfCravingsForReallyVinegaryChipsAndMushyPeas

Writing this and reading this makes me want them again.

#LastNightBeforeGoingToBedICouldHaveEatenACheeseAndRedOnionWhiteBap

Not feeling that so much now. My Nan bought some baps and made a cheese and tomato one before dinner yesterday. I could eat one of those now…

#ReallyWateredDownJuiceSeemsToBeANewThingThatIDesire

Water with a hint of something. Going to try elderflower cordial, though I probably should have asked for some ginger cordial instead…

#IDoNotLikeEatingLateButIThinkIAmGoingToHaveToOtherwiseIWillProbablyStartBeingSickInTheEvenings

Piece of toast before bed? Probably a good idea.

#WhyArePregnantPeoplePunishedByFeelingSickAllOfTheTime

Whoever/whatever invented pregnancy symptoms is a sod. Aren’t we punished enough with periods and menopause? Then we don’t get periods, which is nice, but then we have to deal with sickness. Sod. To those who don’t get morning sickness – you’re lucky!

#IAmNowSayingThatIAmSevenWeeksNowAsIDoThinkItIsMoreLikelyButIJustWantToBeFurtherAlongAlready

I just want to be clear of the first trimester already, and I want to get my jab. (I know I can get it already, but I do want to wait until 14 weeks like some countries suggest/are doing.)

#TiagosLaptopScreenThatBBrokeAMonthAgoSuddenlyStartedToWorkAgainSoThatIsGood

He came in showing me his laptop all excited. I was like ‘yeah the Google logo has always looked like that?’ Ahhh okay.

#ThisPostIsSupposedToBeAboutBTurningOneButItIsMostlyAboutMyMorningSicknessAndTiredness

Sorry love. I should have just made this post the poem and left my sickness until later in the week. I’m starting to feel a bit sick again now…

#InThePictureIHopeToImitatePhotosOfBThatITookToCelebrateHerBirthday

One hat. All in one outfit. Holding a video monitor. Looking quite serious.

(23rd August: I seemed to achieve it.)

#IGotHerAHatThatSays1OnItThoughTheySentMeOneThatSaid3OnItAtFirst

Well that will keep. Let’s see if I can find it in 2 years.

#TheOnlyThingThatWouldDistractHerWasHerBabyMonitor

We tried all the toys. T was getting frustrated. She liked the baby monitor and her room thermometer – things we don’t usually let her play with. I managed to move the thermometer out of the frame though.

#AndSheWoreAOnePieceSoIWillWearTheOneIHaveStartedToWearAgainAsIKnowIWillNotGetMuchUseOutOfItThisSummer

I suddenly remembered about it yesterday. I don’t remember wearing it last summer, and if things go to plan I doubt I will be fitting in it for much longer.

I’m going to eat some mini cheddars, then have a lie down…

7 weeks pregnant with B comparison:

A diptych of two full length images of me with my top pulled up to document my bump. In one I
I Have Nothing To Show Yet (7 weeks)
 
#ItIsColdNowSoIAmWearingExtraLayers
#IHaveNothingToShowYet
#OrMaybeIDoButIAmSureIHaveLookedTheSameAsThisEveryTimeIHaveEatenForManyYears
#IHaveLookedMorePregnantBeforeAfterOrderingAnIndianTakeawayAndNotBeingAbleToStop
#AtChristmas2018MyParentsThoughtIWasPregnantAsIWasWearingBaggyClothing
#AndIChooseComfortOverFashion
#YouKnowMe
#ThoughIWouldNotMindLookingALittleBetter
#IJustHateClothesShopping
#AndNowIsNotTheTimeToStartGettingIntoClothesMore
#BecauseTheyEitherWillNotFitMeForLongOrTheyWillNotFitMeAfter
#AGoodReasonForBaggierClothingThisWinterThoughIsToHideMyGrowingBoobs
#IToldAFriendThatIAmPregnantAndSheSaidSheThoughtMyBoobsLookedBiggerAndThisWasTwoWeeksAgo
#IHaveAlwaysHadAWeirdRelationshipWithThem
#BeingToldInHighSchoolThatIWasTwoParacetamolsOnAnIroningBoard
#AndBeingUpsetButAlsoNotCaringAsIWasLikeBoobsAreJustForBabiesAnyways
#AndTheIdeaOfMeWithBiggerBoobsWasJustWeird
#BeingToldByGuysThatTheyUsuallyDateGirlsWithBiggerBoobs
#Lol 
#ButIThinkBoobsBringAttentionAndIDoLikeToBeInvisible
#IReallyCanNotImagineMySelfHavingBigBoobs
#AndGoingOutWithThemOnDisplay
#NoOffenceToOtherPeopleWhoShowTheirsOff
#TheyLookGoodOnYouButTheyLookWeirdAsHellOnMe
#ThisPostHasTooManyBoobs
#NotSureIfIPreferBoobsOrBreasts
#BreastsJustSoundsLikeMeatRightNowAndThatIsMakingMeFeelSickEvenThoughIHadMeatCravingsYesterdayAndIAmVegetarian
#IThinkHowIFeelTowardsMyBodyDuringAndAfterMyPregnancyWillBeInteresting
#ParticularlyAsPregnantIsSeenAsBeautifulAndMyBodyGrowingIsForAGoodThingButThenAsSoonAsYouGiveBirthThereIsALotOfPressureToBeAsYouWereAgain
#IJustWantToLookAfterMyselfAndBodyAsBestAsICan 

B and baby X will be born in complete opposite seasons. In this diptych I am cold, but in my new photo I was quite hot.

I still look a mess all the time, so nothing has changed there. I feel like my boobs didn’t grow as quick this time, which I was kind of relieved about. They’re probably different from breastfeeding, but I can’t really tell.

I think my bump started to show a bit earlier this time, but it also may be just down to food. I seem to have a habit of doing shoots just after eating which doesn’t help.

I need to start eating better and exercising more again. I feel like over the last week I’ve let myself (and X) down a bit on that front. I’m trying my best…


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Feel Like This Somehow Sums Up Today (23rd October 2020)

I wrote this post on 23rd October. I think I’m going to stop adding updates to posts when I’m about to publish them for now as often I feel like I’m adding in the same notes for many posts. Also, I think all the additions make the entries harder to read.

Breastmilk on my trousers and the floor
I Feel Like This Somehow Sums Up Today (23rd October 2020)
 
#ThisPhotoShowsLeakedMilkOnMyNewTrousersThatMyMumGotMeForMyBirthday
#WhatADay
#TiagoIsOnTheWayBackFromDrivingAVanLoadOfStuffToBirmingham
#InTheEndAFriendHelpedUsEmptyTheFlatWhichAbsolutelySavedUs
#AsOfYesterdayBHasDecidedThatSheDoesNotLikeBeingBreastfed
#SoTodayWhileTheyWereLoadingTheVanBWasJustScreamingALot
#SheEitherDoesNotLikeBeingBreastfedOrIJustDoNotSeemToBeProducingEnoughAtTheMoment
#ProbablyBecauseIAmStressedWhichSheMightBeSensingTooWhichIsUpsettingHer
#LuckilyIHaveSomeMilkInTheFreezerWhichIHaveBeenDefrostingForEachFeed
#ThenTryingToPumpBeforeSheWakesUpAndGivingOneBottleOfThatAndOneOfFreezerMilk
#WithTheFeedsSheJustGetsVeryAgitatedQuiteQuicklyAndTheFeedsAreALotShorter
#ButThenSheDrinksAllTheDefrostedMilkViaABottle
#ThePictureIsFromWhenIWasPumpingAndDidNotRealiseThatTheTopOfThePumpWasNotOnProperly
#SoItJustLeakedOnMeAndTheFloor
#WhichIsNotGreatWhenYouAreTryingToGetAsMuchMilkTogetherAsPossible
#AfterTiagoLeftWithTheVanOurFriendWentOutToBuyLunchAndSomeBottlesOfFormula
#IWillTryThemIfTheMilkSituationDoesNotImproveAndICanNotProduceEnoughMilk
#IThinkBIsDefinitelyHavingASleepRegressionAsSheSuddenlySeemsToHaveNewSkills
#RollingOverToOneSideAndRollingOverFromBackToFrontOccasionally
#AndStickingOutHerBottomLipAndUsingHerTongueMore
#AndThisWeekSheHasBeenWorkingHerWayUpHerLegsAndIsNowGrabbingHerFeet
#IFeelBadAsHerPlaytimesHaveBeenABitRubbishTheLastFewDaysWithPackingAndMoving
#HopefullyThisWillBeFixedInACoupleOfDays
#IDoNotWantToThinkAboutUnpackingRightNow
#HerNapsHaveImprovedALittleBit
#INowSpendMoreTimeSettlingHerBeforeLeavingHerToNapLikeRubbingHerForeheadAndChest
#ThoughMyFingersAndThumbsAreSoDryFromPackingNowWhichIsNotGreat
#IThoughtIWouldGetSoMuchDoneTodayAndWeWouldHaveANiceLastWalkAroundLiverpool
#ButPackingUpTheVanTookALotLongerThanPlannedAndIOnlyManagedToMake4DanceVideosAndNowItIsGettingDarkSoNoWalkForUs
#ItIsWeirdThatTonightIsOurLastNightInLiverpoolButWeWillAlwaysHaveOurScouseBabyAndWeWillBeBackForAVisitOneDay

#ThisPhotoShowsLeakedMilkOnMyNewTrousersThatMyMumGotMeForMyBirthday

I’d already put a load of washing on, so they’ll have to stink of sour milk for longer. Great.

#WhatADay #TiagoIsOnTheWayBackFromDrivingAVanLoadOfStuffToBirmingham

He’s back now. He walked in to B screaming during a feed. We tried to order some food for collection nearby, but they were no longer taking orders. Great. Random bits and bobs for dinner it was.

#InTheEndAFriendHelpedUsEmptyTheFlatWhichAbsolutelySavedUs

SAVED US. THANK YOU SO MUCH D!

(We would probably still be loading the van now if he hadn’t come to help. Moving during a pandemic with a 4 month old is not fun for sure.)

#AsOfYesterdayBHasDecidedThatSheDoesNotLikeBeingBreastfed

Convenient I know.

It is true, I do love sarcasm.

#SoTodayWhileTheyWereLoadingTheVanBWasJustScreamingALot

Amazing.

#SheEitherDoesNotLikeBeingBreastfedOrIJustDoNotSeemToBeProducingEnoughAtTheMoment

I think I just am not producing enough for her right now.

#ProbablyBecauseIAmStressedWhichSheMightBeSensingTooWhichIsUpsettingHer

I think stress is definitely a big contributor to it, but also I think we haven’t been eating so well since we decided to move as we have been using up a lot of random food to lighten the moving load.

#LuckilyIHaveSomeMilkInTheFreezerWhichIHaveBeenDefrostingForEachFeed

I nearly got rid of some of it the other day as I thought it might just get ruined in the move. So glad I didn’t.

#ThenTryingToPumpBeforeSheWakesUpAndGivingOneBottleOfThatAndOneOfFreezerMilk

Well, this happened for one feed – the pumping before her waking up. The next two naps she woke up earlier than planned.

#WithTheFeedsSheJustGetsVeryAgitatedQuiteQuicklyAndTheFeedsAreALotShorter

I used to feed her for 30-40 minutes. Earlier I tried feeding her again via boob and she got annoyed after 9 minutes on both. However, she did sound like she was trying to win some speed drinking competition, so she is definitely emptying them.

Sorry (not sorry) if it’s too much information, but this is what boobs are for.

She finishes and cries though, so then I offer her more milk.

#ButThenSheDrinksAllTheDefrostedMilkViaABottle

Yeah she drinks the whole bottle, which is usually around 60ml.

When I pumped earlier I was producing about 60ml, so she must be getting similar during breastfeeds.

#ThePictureIsFromWhenIWasPumpingAndDidNotRealiseThatTheTopOfThePumpWasNotOnProperly

I am pretty sure that this is the first time this has happened. I have to hold the back on tight, so I thought it was that at first. I was so confused as to why it was leaking.

#SoItJustLeakedOnMeAndTheFloor

Good job we are cleaning the floor tomorrow.

Well, I wiped it earlier, but tomorrow we are going to clean the flat.

#WhichIsNotGreatWhenYouAreTryingToGetAsMuchMilkTogetherAsPossible

Yeah, this is annoying. Also when you pump and your bra just gets absolutely wet when it could have been going in the bottle instead.

#AfterTiagoLeftWithTheVanOurFriendWentOutToBuyLunchAndSomeBottlesOfFormula

Again – lifesaver. I was actually quite calm about the fact that I might not be producing much milk.

After her first feed of the day I did try pumping and nothing came out, so I figured she must have gotten everything.

B was having a nap and was due to feed when she woke up, so I wouldn’t have been able to get any food for a while. B’s pushchair went in the van, so I would have had to put her in her carrier – I was excited at the idea of going to a supermarket, but nah.

#IWillTryThemIfTheMilkSituationDoesNotImproveAndICanNotProduceEnoughMilk

Well, the dates aren’t very long on them, so we will be trying them soon.

I asked a friend which one she uses and she said she has some pre-mixed bottles that she is using up before she moves on to powder.

I didn’t fancy the idea of mixing up milk during the move, so we got 3 pre-mixed bottles to try.

#IThinkBIsDefinitelyHavingASleepRegressionAsSheSuddenlySeemsToHaveNewSkills

So many new skills.

#RollingOverToOneSideAndRollingOverFromBackToFrontOccasionally

She did roll over before from her front to back a while ago, but hasn’t done it for a while. She often gets her arm stuck while rolling over – I guess she will perfect it in time.

#AndStickingOutHerBottomLipAndUsingHerTongueMore

I think she sticks her bottom lip out from moving her tongue around. I’m not sure though. She is definitely working on her puppy dog face though – just in time for Christmas!

(I don’t think we will be getting her much for Xmas, as she doesn’t know it’s Christmas and she doesn’t need anything. Well, if she needs something then we will get it.)

#AndThisWeekSheHasBeenWorkingHerWayUpHerLegsAndIsNowGrabbingHerFeet

I did a yoga video tonight as I’m a bit sore from lifting the few things that I did. Part of the class was the happy baby pose and B has definitely nearly perfected it.

I’m sure I’ll be taking photos of myself imitating these new skills soon.

#IFeelBadAsHerPlaytimesHaveBeenABitRubbishTheLastFewDaysWithPackingAndMoving #HopefullyThisWillBeFixedInACoupleOfDays

Yeah I feel really bad about this, but this is what you get for trying to pack up a flat during a pandemic when no one can come round to watch her or help.

Obviously B doesn’t know what is going on, but thanks to her for just chilling in her cot and grabbing her feet, or chilling in her bouncer while we’ve packed around her.

#IDoNotWantToThinkAboutUnpackingRightNow

Ergh.

#HerNapsHaveImprovedALittleBit

Well, now I’ve said it let’s see how tomorrow is.

#INowSpendMoreTimeSettlingHerBeforeLeavingHerToNapLikeRubbingHerForeheadAndChest

It makes sense as it probably makes her feel more secure, and once she starts crying I think it probably stresses her out more and then it takes longer to calm her. Maybe?

#ThoughMyFingersAndThumbsAreSoDryFromPackingNowWhichIsNotGreat

I need to start moisturising my hands more again. All that packing and sanitising etc.

#IThoughtIWouldGetSoMuchDoneTodayAndWeWouldHaveANiceLastWalkAroundLiverpool

Well, at least we finally got to see Boaty McBoatface yesterday and the day before…

#ButPackingUpTheVanTookALotLongerThanPlannedAndIOnlyManagedToMake4DanceVideosAndNowItIsGettingDarkSoNoWalkForUs

Packing up the van took so long that we missed the drop-off time for it. Imagine if our friend hadn’t helped us? I hope that nothing happens to it while we have it overnight…

Tiago took the day off work as he thought the van place was open until 9, but when he got there he said it was open until 5. I guess it’s probably due to Covid…

#ItIsWeirdThatTonightIsOurLastNightInLiverpoolButWeWillAlwaysHaveOurScouseBabyAndWeWillBeBackForAVisitOneDay

It doesn’t feel like our last night. I’m sat writing this in the living room, whilst T is in the bedroom having a rest, and B is having a sleep in her cot.

There were some fireworks earlier – don’t think they were for us.

Yes, B will always B (ha) our Scouse baby, so we definitely want to show her the city when she is older and of course we want to visit our friends that we’ve made.

We moved to Liverpool wanting kids but not sure when we’d have kids. A month later after visiting Tiago’s brother, sister-in-law and niece we thought we’d start trying. It didn’t happen as quick as I thought it would. I felt lost and made a project called Ulterior Monologue to try to deal with it.

Then just as I was going to start a project that actually talked about wanting to be pregnant, I got pregnant and made a project about my pregnancy, and another about my morning sickness.

And now we are leaving Liverpool with a baby, and I’ll keep making a project about early motherhood for now.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

What I Wore For My Four Night Hospital Stay After Giving Birth

So when I was in hospital I basically wore the same dress the whole time. After getting home I washed everything apart from it as I knew I wanted to photograph myself in it, though now I have decided to keep it as part of my ‘archive’ (I feel funny saying that even though I have so much work).

Anyways, it seems weird to continue my pregnancy project now I’m no longer pregnant, so with motherhood I have started a new project called Oh Me, Oh Mãe. I came up with the title whilst I was still pregnant as a play on the phrase oh me oh my. I tried with and without a comma and I seem to prefer it with one.

Mãe is mother in Portuguese (my husband is Portuguese and our baby is British-Portuguese, or Portuguese-British depending on who you ask). You pronounce mãe similarly to my, though you can listen to the pronunciation here and tell me I’m wrong. Maybe it’s more like myy.

A funny coincidence was that I listened to Devendra Banhart a lot in hospital and it wasn’t until getting home that I realised he has an album called Oh Me Oh My… It seems meant to be, though I was a bit discouraged as Tiago (my husband) had never heard the phrase oh me oh my before and didn’t like it for ages. Now he gets it and I think it is here to stay. If you ever need an honest non-artists opinion on something he is your guy!

So… the photo and hashtags (yes I think I am still doing the hashtags for some stuff, but I seem to be experimenting with other writing styles on different pictures).

What I Wore For My Four Night Hospital Stay After Giving Birth #WeHadPackedTheBagJustInCaseACoupleOfWeeksPreviouslyEvenThoughWeWerePlanningForAHomeBirth #IThoughtAtLeastEverythingIMightNeedEvenForHomeWouldBeInTheSamePlace #IKeptSayingWeShouldRevisitThemButWeNeverGotRoundToItEspeciallyAsSomeThingsWeNeededForEverydayUse #SoWhenICalledTheHospitalToSayMyWatersHadBrokeTheySaidToBringBagsInJustInCase #WeSpentHalfAnHourRushingRoundButIDidNotTakeItTooSeriously #INearlyDidNotPackThisDressAsItWasWhatIWasWearingInBedWhenMyWatersBroke #ItWasALittleWetAndItDidNotSmellSoIPutItInMyBagThinkingIWouldBeComingHomeSoonForMyHomeBirth #WellObviouslyIDidNotComeHomeAndWasInHospitalFor4Nights #AndILivedInThisDress #ICouldHaveAskedTiagoToBringMoreThingsButByTheTimeIThoughtAboutItIKnewMyStayWasComingToAnEnd #OriginallyIWasInHospitalDueToProblemsWithBreastfeedingAndThenBabyBGotJaundice #TheDressShowsColostrumStainsAndThenMilkStainsAfterMyMilkCameInOnDay3 #ItWouldHaveBeenEvenMessierThanThisButOftenISatWithMyDressOffToDoSkinToSkin #SoManyWomenTouchedMyBoobsDuringMyStayToHelpMeTryToFeedSoIDidNotCareAnymore #PlusAround6PeopleWereAtTheBirthPlusTiago #ItWasWeirdToSuddenlyBeAroundSoManyPeopleAfterHavingNotSeenMyFamilyFor3MonthsDueToCovid #MyCurtainWasNeverFullyClosedAsThereWasALightSwitchJustBehindItThatTheHospitalStaffUsed #SoPotentiallyPeopleCouldSeeInButIReallyDidNotCare #AfterAFewDaysIThoughtIBetterWearSomethingElseButItWasTooHot #TheOtherWomenOnTheWardProbablyJudgedMeForWearingAStainCoveredDress #ButSoManyCameAndWentBeforeMe #IDidNotWearMyWatchBecauseOfBreastfeeding #ISometimesWoreANursingBraButInTheBeginningIDidNotAndThenIUsedBreastPadsOnceMyMilkCameIn #IHadMyEyeMaskOnMyHeadAllTheTimeAndEvenAfterIGotHome #TheJokeWasIWasNotSleepingThoughAndIStillAmNotReally #IBoughtItAsItWasOnARecommendedHospitalListButIAlsoThoughtItWouldBeGoodForHomeAsIFindItHardToSleep #ItWasProbablyTheMostUsefulThingInMyHospitalBagInTheEndAndIAmUsingItAtHome #AndThenIWasGladThatIWoreMySandalsAndNotTrainers #SoEasyToJustSlipO

A few outtakes

(Though I’m thinking maybe it could be a set of images, I don’t know?)

I’m calling this one ‘zombie mum’ – can you tell I hadn’t slept much in the week+ since she was born? I don’t think I really slept for another week.
A classic head to waist-ish shot.
Mmm armpits… though I like the closeup as it kind of looks like a face – two eyes on my boobs and a bit of roundness around my belly as a mouth.

Comments

The whole picture has a similar vibe to my 21st April 2017 (Today’s Look) picture, which I did think about when I was doing the shoot. Different flat and a post-birth belly instead of a hot water bottle, toothpaste stains on one and colostrum/milk stains on the other. With 21st April 2017… it was the first time that I’d wrote a long piece of text to go with a photo, which definitely started to help me feel more confident with my own words.

21st April 2017 (Today’s Look) from Don’t Take Me Out Of My Melons (2017-18).

Old top that I don’t like wearing in public anymore as it took me too long to realise that if I lean over I flash my bra/boobs, trousers that I wore out once in public but felt self-conscious wearing so they are now in the homewear only pile (with toothpaste stains as I can’t seem to brush my teeth without making a mess anymore), 2 pairs of slippers (one – my pair – not really visible, boyfriend’s pair visible), no makeup (haven’t worn any makeup since July, wore makeup twice last year – once for a costume party and once for 1 wedding out of 3 that I attended), brushed hair that I washed yesterday (it’s usually every 4ish days), hairy legs as I haven’t ‘dealt’ with them since February (I went on holiday to warmer climates) and a hot water bottle for period pain as I try to avoid painkillers as much as possible (except when it comes to tooth pain – wisdom tooth removal is not pleasant). 

Also hidden: Bracelet that I made when I was a teenager, a watch (boyfriend’s one that he gave to me after my similar one broke – which was identical to one I bought in 2009, my parents also wear similar watches), a bra (fairly old, I hate bra shopping so I usually just wear the ones that my mum gets me for Christmas), armpit hair (my skin is sensitive, shaving is too much work and epilating hurts so I’m going to try to embrace the neatly trimmed armpit hair look this summer whilst being self-conscious about it), 2 x temporary medicated fillings (I’ve never been to the dentist as many times as I have this year), permanent fillings (wish I had looked after my teeth better – can’t be bothered to go and count them in the mirror), pants (I’ve never been into small underwear, these ones I don’t wear very often but I need to wash my clothes – they are meant to be not be visible through clothes but I still see them under the new trousers I bought so I’m too self-conscious to wear those too), pubic hair (I’ve never understood the prepubescent look/can’t be bothered with more pain), menstrual cup (wish I had bought one years before I did) and a liner (because the cup still isn’t perfect).

I guess walking around loads in front of people in a massively stain covered dress is something I wouldn’t have done pre-baby, but since having B I have changed so much already. I plan to do a photo and text about that soon.

Well you probably won’t catch me walking around Liverpool in it either, but my clothes definitely have more stains on them and I care less. With this project I don’t want to change how I look before doing a shoot if I’m suddenly in the mood. So far that has meant mainly just not retying my hair/brushing it, and my hair misbehaving has ruined a lot of shoots in the past so I guess they’re going to be slightly irritating pictures (I call myself a lazy perfectionist – love perfection, but get annoyed trying to achieve it).

I love it when everything is in ‘the right place’ in a photo and you’ve just got a bit of hair that is doing its own thing, and continues to do its own thing no matter how many times you brush it, restyle it (I don’t style my hair – but I guess more retying it and trying a lower ponytail or something) or try to tuck it away (that is a common approach of mine).

It seems weird posting pictures where there is a big focus on my boobs and all the stains on and around them. I was feeling really awkward about the nudity in my pregnancy project, but since giving birth I also care less. My work is not sexual and my boobs are finally being used for the purpose that I have them for. I remember in high school being mocked for having no boobs (two paracetamols on an ironing board, haha) and me saying ‘well they’re only made for babies anyways’ whilst crying on the inside.

(I feel the need to say I can totally understand why people choose not to breastfeed/use their breastmilk – it is definitely a journey, and if you don’t have kids or don’t want them then enjoy not being covered in stains and having sore nipples).

Rewritten 2003 diary entry for my 2013 project Your Mind & Body Is All That You’ve Got II.

I feel like this sums up my feelings about my misbehaving hair and having no boobs – I was happy having none though (if people had left me alone about it) and I still don’t think having boobs suits me. Time was a club that I don’t think I ever went to.

(I just thought about that calculator thing where the answer upside down is boobless).

I was not sure whether or not to start posting this new project whilst I’m still trying to finish posting my pregnancy project on Instagram, but I think I need to get on with it otherwise I’m going to be months behind with posting it – and B is already growing so fast!

I think that’s it for now… Thanks for reading 🙂


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