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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

An Imitation Of Sorts Of How B Often Sits (4th April 2021)

Sat with one foot behind me and the other forward on a wall. You can not see my head.
An Imitation Of Sorts Of How B Often Sits (4th April 2021)
 
#BSitsALotWithOneFootInFrontOfHerAndOneBehind
#IGuessItIsGoodForBalanceAndMightJustBeHowSheEndsUpSittingRatherThanByChoiceAtTimes
#IHopeSheKeepsHerFlexibilityThoughIHaveNotSeenHerDoTheSplitsInAWhile
#TodayIsEasterSundayButWeDoNotReallyCelebrateIt
#IJustLikeTheFactThatTiagoHasAFourDayWeekend
#TheBiggestGossipAtTheMomentIsThatIQuitMyJobYesterday
#ItWasReallyStressingMeOutAndYesterdayPeopleWereSoRudeToMeThatIJustWentHome
#IReallyHateQuittingThingsButIWasJustStandingAroundCryingThenTryingToGetOverItAndCarryOnThenSomeoneElseWouldBeRude
#IWasTryingToAtLeastMakeItToTheEndOfMyShiftButIHadEnoughWhenIStartedToCryInFrontOfSomeone
#ItWasMentallyAndPhysicallyDrainingSoItDidNotSeemWorthPuttingUpWithForAFewMoreWeeksEspeciallyAsIKnowPeopleWillJustGetWorse
#ForMeMorningShiftsWereBetterWithMyMumLookingAfterBAndNotHavingWorkHangingOverMeAllDay
#ButIJustFeltLikeIWasBotheringPeopleAndWakingThemUp
#NowINeedToTryToFindOtherWorkWhichIsEasierSaidThanDone
#IForgotToMentionThatMyNanHadHerSecondJabAWeekOrSoAgoWhichIsGoodNews
#TheWeatherHasGivenUsAGlimpseOfWhatTheNextFourOrFiveMonthsCouldBeLike
#SittingOutsideInTheParkOrInTheGardenWhileBSamplesDifferentLeavesAndOutdoorCuisine
#TheOtherDayWhileWorkingIWalkedPastAGuyWhoJustSmelledOfSweatAndItWasWeirdlyNostalgic
#IRealisedThatIHadNotSmelledThatSmellInALongTime
#AndThenAnotherGuyWalkedByWhoJustStunkOfCologneAndIHadNotThatSmelledThatForALongTimeEither
#ItWasNiceToBeOutAndAboutMoreByMyselfFeelingLikeSomethingOtherThanAMother
#ThoughIThinkMyMotheringWasAlsoGoingDownHillDueToTheJobAndFeelingSoTiredAndStressed
#IFeelShatteredNowButIHopeItWillPassInACoupleOfDays
#ThenICanGetBackToTryingToBeTheMotherIWantToBe
#IHaveNotDoneAYoutubeBabyClassWithBInAWhileAndIHaveNotReadToHerMuchLately
#ThoughSheDoesRarelySitStillAndHerLegsAreGettingStrongerEachDay
#SheHasNotBeenSleepingSoWellLately
#SheWasUpAt6TodayAnd5ThirtyYesterdayThoughTiagoGotUpWithHerAndLetMeHaveMoreSleep
#IThinkSheIsTeethingALotAgainAndHerSkinHasGotABitWorse
#WeHaveSeenAFewMorePeopleLatelyThoughAndIAmLookingForwardToHangingOutWithOthersSoon
#IFeelLikeINeedAWeekOffButHopefullyThatFeelingWillPassSoonAsItIsNotPossibleAnyways 
 

#BSitsALotWithOneFootInFrontOfHerAndOneBehind

I have been trying to photograph her doing it, but I always seem too slow. I go to grab my phone and then she stops doing it to follow me.

#IGuessItIsGoodForBalanceAndMightJustBeHowSheEndsUpSittingRatherThanByChoiceAtTimes

I can’t ask her about it, but she doesn’t seem to mind sitting like it.

#IHopeSheKeepsHerFlexibilityThoughIHaveNotSeenHerDoTheSplitsInAWhile

I’d love for her to do gymnastics or something when she’s old enough. I’d have loved to do things like that when I was a kid – I won’t even attempt handstands anymore after too many falls on my face.

#TodayIsEasterSundayButWeDoNotReallyCelebrateIt

I keep forgetting about it to be honest. In past years I’ve just been annoyed that the supermarkets are open at different times.

#IJustLikeTheFactThatTiagoHasAFourDayWeekend

More family time/more time for me to sneak off and do a bit of my own stuff.

#TheBiggestGossipAtTheMomentIsThatIQuitMyJobYesterday

I feel mixed about it. Relieved but also like I’ve let my family down.

#ItWasReallyStressingMeOutAndYesterdayPeopleWereSoRudeToMeThatIJustWentHome

You might be able to work out what my job was – I’m not supposed to talk about it and I’m worried that someone at the company tracks this stuff.

#IReallyHateQuittingThingsButIWasJustStandingAroundCryingThenTryingToGetOverItAndCarryOnThenSomeoneElseWouldBeRude

You know when you’re trying hard not to cry that it makes it worse and then you just cry more? It’s worse when you’re half an hour walk from home so can’t just pop home, cry it out, then carry on.

I felt relieved to have a mask to hide behind, but it was still obvious from the sniffles and red eyes.

#IWasTryingToAtLeastMakeItToTheEndOfMyShiftButIHadEnoughWhenIStartedToCryInFrontOfSomeone

So embarrassing.

#ItWasMentallyAndPhysicallyDrainingSoItDidNotSeemWorthPuttingUpWithForAFewMoreWeeksEspeciallyAsIKnowPeopleWillJustGetWorse

I was nice and polite to people. I was bothering them as they had not done something that they needed to do. The nice people have done what they needed to now.

#ForMeMorningShiftsWereBetterWithMyMumLookingAfterBAndNotHavingWorkHangingOverMeAllDay

I have another job which is sometimes busy and sometimes not, but I leave that for the evenings. I did a couple of evenings with this job, but it was too stressful with getting dinner and B sorted. Plus I was knackered as it was a different kind of energy.

#ButIJustFeltLikeIWasBotheringPeopleAndWakingThemUp

I did not like knocking on people’s doors at 9am, but if they had done what they needed to then I would not need to be there.

#NowINeedToTryToFindOtherWorkWhichIsEasierSaidThanDone

I’ve been thinking about setting up a patreon for a while, but I feel weird/awkward about it. I might look into it again though. I need to get smart about making money from art, but my confidence is not great. I need to get over things though.

#IForgotToMentionThatMyNanHadHerSecondJabAWeekOrSoAgoWhichIsGoodNews

Hurrah.

#TheWeatherHasGivenUsAGlimpseOfWhatTheNextFourOrFiveMonthsCouldBeLike #SittingOutsideInTheParkOrInTheGardenWhileBSamplesDifferentLeavesAndOutdoorCuisine

The weather was hot, then it went cold but it has been warm enough to sit in the park on a picnic blanket the last couple of days in the afternoon – with coats on of course. B crawls off the mat and inspects everything, but I’m sure it’s good for her.

#TheOtherDayWhileWorkingIWalkedPastAGuyWhoJustSmelledOfSweatAndItWasWeirdlyNostalgic #IRealisedThatIHadNotSmelledThatSmellInALongTime

It was odd. In the past I would have been like ‘well that guy smelled of sweat, but so have most of the men I’ve walked past today’.

I only started to use deodorant again recently to be fair…

#AndThenAnotherGuyWalkedByWhoJustStunkOfCologneAndIHadNotThatSmelledThatForALongTimeEither

Blegh.

#ItWasNiceToBeOutAndAboutMoreByMyselfFeelingLikeSomethingOtherThanAMother

It was weird being out without B. I bumped into a lady who has a dog while out in my work garb and I said to her ‘you might not recognise me without a baby in tow’.

#ThoughIThinkMyMotheringWasAlsoGoingDownHillDueToTheJobAndFeelingSoTiredAndStressed

Trying to juggle everything has not been good. It would be fine if I had liked the job, but trying to balance it all for a job that made me miserable has been rubbish.

#IFeelShatteredNowButIHopeItWillPassInACoupleOfDays

I might try to have a lie down when I finish this before B wakes up.

#ThenICanGetBackToTryingToBeTheMotherIWantToBe

A mother who pays more attention to her child is a good start.

#IHaveNotDoneAYoutubeBabyClassWithBInAWhileAndIHaveNotReadToHerMuchLately #ThoughSheDoesRarelySitStillAndHerLegsAreGettingStrongerEachDay

The last time I did it B would not sit still. Our last online zoom baby class was just our teacher, B and me. B would not sit still for that either. It’s going to be interesting seeing how she reacts in a real life class.

#SheHasNotBeenSleepingSoWellLately

Le sigh.

#SheWasUpAt6TodayAnd5ThirtyYesterdayThoughTiagoGotUpWithHerAndLetMeHaveMoreSleep

We usually leave her until 6 before we get her out of her cot, but yesterday T just got up with her as none of us were sleeping.

#IThinkSheIsTeethingALotAgainAndHerSkinHasGotABitWorse

She woke up at 11 last night and wouldn’t settle. In the end we gave her some paracetamol as she wanted to chew on our fingers and she went back to sleep.

#WeHaveSeenAFewMorePeopleLatelyThoughAndIAmLookingForwardToHangingOutWithOthersSoon

My Uncles visited the other day which was a nice surprise.

#IFeelLikeINeedAWeekOffButHopefullyThatFeelingWillPassSoonAsItIsNotPossibleAnyways

I need to sort my life out. Time for a quick lie down first though.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

First Mother’s Day / Portrait Of A Mother Of A 9 Month Old (14th March 2021)

First Mother’s Day / Portrait Of A Mother Of A 9 Month Old (14th March 2021)
 
#TiagoGotHisFirstFathersDayWhenBWasOnlyAroundAWeekOld
#IHaveHadToWaitPatientlyFor9MonthsToGetMyFirstParentsDay
#TiagoGetsReallyStressedOutAboutWhatToDoForOccasionsButHeMadeANiceCardWithALotOfTextInsideThatHeSaidBToldHimToWrite
#HeWasOnAboutGettingMeRollerBladesButMaybeItIsNotTheBestTimeToStartBreakingSomeBones
#BsSkinLookedAlmostBackToNormalAndThenItStartedToGetBadAgain
#IThinkWeWillBeDealingWithItForAWhileButIGuessAtLeastWeKnowWhatWorksNow
#IHaveBeenFeelingALotBetterThisWeekThoughIAmNotReallySureWhy
#IThinkIHaveBeenSoBusyAndIKnowThingsAreChangingSoIAmFeelingMorePositive
#IWhineSoMuchInThisProjectWhichIsAwkwardButIDoLoveBeingAMother
#SeeingBGrowingAndChangingWeekToWeekIsSoRewarding
#ButNothingCanPrepareYouForThisMassiveLifeShift
#IAmFeelingMoreRelaxedWithBsMealTimesNowThatISetA30MinuteLimit
#IfSheIsHungryThenSheWillEatItSuperFast
#IfSheIsNotEatingThenAfter10MinutesIWillTrySomethingElseLikeMixingInHerDessertWhichIsUsuallyYoghurtAndFruit
#SheHasMilkBeforeHerSecondNapNowSoEvenIfSheDoesNotEatSheUsuallyDrinksWell
#TheOtherDayIStartedToSingThatTikTokSeaShantyToHerAndSheStartedToLaughSoThatWasTheSongOfTheDay
#IHadToLookUpTheLyricsAsIRealisedThatIHadBeenMakingThemUp
#MyClowningAndImprovTrainingIsDefinitelyComingInHandyForEntertainingB
#IDoLoveToMakeHerLaugh
#WhateverMakesHerLaughIJustKeepDoingItAndAmplifyingItUntilSheIsLaughedOut
#SheCanSuddenlyPlayWithToysThatSheCouldNotHoldBeforeAndIsInterestedInALotMoreThings
#SheHasStartedToOpenDrawersSoWeNeedToDoSomeMoreBabyProofing
#WeAreTryingToTeachHerToWaveWhichSheDoesSometimesButOtherTimesSheJustClaps
#IFeelLikeIShouldReallyBeLearningMoreAboutBabySignLanguageNow
#WhenWeDoOnlineBabyClassesIReallyLikeLearningTheSignsForSongs
#IAmAlsoFindingItEasierToTalkToHerNow
#IUsuallyJustKeepSayingCanYouSayThisOrThisAndSheDoesNotButSheWillOneDay
#OrIAmLikeLookAtThisToyCarrotItIsOrangeAndGreenAndItIsAVegetable
#TheMurderOfSarahEverardHasGotMeThinkingALotAboutAwkwardAndHorribleExperiencesInMyPast
#IHopeThatThingsWillBeDifferentForBAsSheGrowsUpButWeWillHaveToWaitAndSee

I was planning for this ‘entry’ to be Portrait Of A Mother Of A 9 Month Old, but then I realised Mother’s Day was coming up so I thought I would leave it until today. I haven’t done a shoot yet, but I fancy doing one with B so hopefully we’ll do one when she wakes up from her nap.

(6th April: Well I did the shoot and it involves one of my favourite themes of making myself not look very nice. I say that I’m not going to show B’s face, but this one shows her mouth and a bit of her nose. I was going to edit it, but it seemed a bit unnecessary.

I guess I do not want to show her whole face (well I posted a photo of B wearing her jaundice machine mask when I announced her birth anyways), and I particularly don’t want to show her eyes (which were covered in that photo). I feel like I should write more about this but I’m too tired. A topic for the future?)

#TiagoGotHisFirstFathersDayWhenBWasOnlyAroundAWeekOld

And here is the entry about that. Portugal has their Father’s Day on the 19th March every year, so that’s in 5 days time.

#IHaveHadToWaitPatientlyFor9MonthsToGetMyFirstParentsDay

It looks like Mother’s Day in Portugal is the first Sunday in May. Weird that Mother’s Day moves around but Father’s Day is the same date every year? I guess Portuguese Father’s Day might mean more to Tiago?

#TiagoGetsReallyStressedOutAboutWhatToDoForOccasionsButHeMadeANiceCardWithALotOfTextInsideThatHeSaidBToldHimToWrite

Bless him. He gets super stressed then keeps talking about it as the day approaches. It’s a commercial holiday that I am not really that bothered about, but I guess it just feels somewhat momentous as it is my first. I much prefer a hand-drawn card with a nice personal message to anything else, plus as it’s the weekend he has given me plenty of time to do my work which means more to me.

#HeWasOnAboutGettingMeRollerBladesButMaybeItIsNotTheBestTimeToStartBreakingSomeBones

When we lived in Liverpool people on skateboards and roller blades/skates would constantly go past us. I used to love roller blading – I remember going round my neighbour’s garage to Gina G a lot – and going to roller discos. I was never good on hills though. Just nice flat terrain for me please. I’d be too embarrassed to go out on them by myself…

#BsSkinLookedAlmostBackToNormalAndThenItStartedToGetBadAgain #IThinkWeWillBeDealingWithItForAWhileButIGuessAtLeastWeKnowWhatWorksNow

It’s a rollercoaster. Basically we can’t be lazy. We have some hydrocortisone cream that we apply twice a day when it’s bad, but her skin go to the point where we couldn’t even see where it needed to be applied. Now it is creeping back, so we need to keep an eye on it. We also use Dermol 500 which is super easy to apply and her skin seemed to get much better when we started to apply that every hour or two the other day. Then we have Zerobase which is a heavier ointment that we use before she goes to bed, and once or twice during the day.

(I hope this may be of use for someone, but I know different things work for different people. These are all things that B has been prescribed.)

#IHaveBeenFeelingALotBetterThisWeekThoughIAmNotReallySureWhy

I generally feel better at the weekend.

#IThinkIHaveBeenSoBusyAndIKnowThingsAreChangingSoIAmFeelingMorePositive

I have a temporary part time job coming up and I’m excited to get out of the house more. Yesterday we bumped into a woman and her baby who we met the other week, so I am hoping soon we will know more people.

#IWhineSoMuchInThisProjectWhichIsAwkwardButIDoLoveBeingAMother

I worry that B will see this work when she is older and think I hated raising her. I don’t.

#SeeingBGrowingAndChangingWeekToWeekIsSoRewarding

She changes so fast. I guess I did not really know how she would be at 9 months, but she seems to be doing more than I thought she would?

#ButNothingCanPrepareYouForThisMassiveLifeShift

I never really stayed in bed until late, but I definitely wasn’t waking up between 6 and 7 every day. You just get used to it and adjust your bedtime I guess, but that is the biggest shock I think really. We could let her lie in, but then she’ll probably go to bed later and I like having free time in the evening. Plus now she is often awake before 7 (when we’d like to get up) so that wouldn’t work.

#IAmFeelingMoreRelaxedWithBsMealTimesNowThatISetA30MinuteLimit

I thought I had mentioned this in previous hashtags, but maybe I didn’t? Well at meals now I give her 30 minutes to eat as otherwise we can sit there for an hour with me getting stressed.

#IfSheIsHungryThenSheWillEatItSuperFast

Breakfast is usually 15 minutes.

#IfSheIsNotEatingThenAfter10MinutesIWillTrySomethingElseLikeMixingInHerDessertWhichIsUsuallyYoghurtAndFruit

Yesterday she wasn’t eating dinner, but then I started to give her a bit of yoghurt with mango and she got eating so then I mixed it all together and she ate 90% of it. Great.

#SheHasMilkBeforeHerSecondNapNowSoEvenIfSheDoesNotEatSheUsuallyDrinksWell

Maybe I talked about this before, I’m not sure. Before she was just having milk when she woke up and before she went to bed, but on my sister’s suggestion we now give her milk then. It makes me feel not so stressed about her maybe not eating so much lunch.

#TheOtherDayIStartedToSingThatTikTokSeaShantyToHerAndSheStartedToLaughSoThatWasTheSongOfTheDay

This song. I’ve sung it so many times that I’m getting better at hitting a lower note at the end of the chorus. I’m not sure why she likes it, but she claps. I kept making videos of her doing stuff, then I’d start to sing it and she’d look at me.

#IHadToLookUpTheLyricsAsIRealisedThatIHadBeenMakingThemUp

Apparently it’s not about a weatherman, but a wellerman (which is the name of the song.)

#MyClowningAndImprovTrainingIsDefinitelyComingInHandyForEntertainingB

When we (Tiago and me, as B was not born yet) lived in London I used to do a lot of improv classes and courses, and I did a couple of clowning courses too. I started a stand-up comedy course but we moved to Liverpool before I finished it. It is something that I would like to revisit at some point.

#IDoLoveToMakeHerLaugh

I love to make anyone laugh, but the sound of babies laughing is one of the best in the world.

#WhateverMakesHerLaughIJustKeepDoingItAndAmplifyingItUntilSheIsLaughedOut

It’s great training. I’ve thought that maybe I should be a children’s entertainer? It seems less scary than making adults laugh.

#SheCanSuddenlyPlayWithToysThatSheCouldNotHoldBeforeAndIsInterestedInALotMoreThings

I love digging out a toy that she did not look at twice when she last saw it, but now she can really interact with it. I think I feel happier too as she can entertain herself a bit better now and is happy as long as you’re sat next to her. Tiago likes to lie on the floor while B crawls over him and chills next to him playing with her toys.

#SheHasStartedToOpenDrawersSoWeNeedToDoSomeMoreBabyProofing

Anything that she shouldn’t play with she obviously loves. My Nan has a trolley that looks a bit like a tea cart. She loves to stick her fingers in the wheels…

#WeAreTryingToTeachHerToWaveWhichSheDoesSometimesButOtherTimesSheJustClaps

She’s young. She’s got time. One moment she will really get it and switch between clapping and waving, and then she’ll just clap. The YouTube baby classes that we do talk about clapping more than they do waving, so it’s fair enough.

#IFeelLikeIShouldReallyBeLearningMoreAboutBabySignLanguageNow

I did look for a local class but one was too far away really and there was a waiting list, so I’ll just look for more online videos.

Here are a few.

#WhenWeDoOnlineBabyClassesIReallyLikeLearningTheSignsForSongs

I feel like I am learning something and using my brain, which feels quite nice. It’s a good memory test.

#IAmAlsoFindingItEasierToTalkToHerNow #IUsuallyJustKeepSayingCanYouSayThisOrThisAndSheDoesNotButSheWillOneDay #OrIAmLikeLookAtThisToyCarrotItIsOrangeAndGreenAndItIsAVegetable

I’ve said a lot in the past that I do not know what to say to B all day. I guess I have been overthinking it a lot. I can just keep it simple. ‘Say hi’ say hello etc.’ and then just talking about the colours of things and pointing things out to her etc.

#TheMurderOfSarahEverardHasGotMeThinkingALotAboutAwkwardAndHorribleExperiencesInMyPast

This feels quite randomly slot into the bottom. I originally wanted to say more about it, but yesterday I ended up writing a blog post about it all instead. I feel a bit awkward about it, but I ended up spending a lot of my free time in the morning on it so I thought I should share it.

#IHopeThatThingsWillBeDifferentForBAsSheGrowsUpButWeWillHaveToWaitAndSee

Fingers crossed. I want her to grow up feeling more confident than I ever did, and her to feel able to call out/tell someone/report when something is not right, or something bad has happened.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B With Her Hands And Feet On The Floor (6th March 2021)

Imitating B With Her Hands And Feet On The Floor (6th March 2021)
 
#BIsDefinitelyMovingAroundQuickerEachDay
#YesterdaySheGotStuckByTheCushionsByTheTVAsSheOnlyLikesRollingOneWaySoSheKeptRollingIntoThemRatherThanAwayFromThem
#ThisPhotoIsMeImitatingHerWithHerHandsAndFeetOnTheFloorWhichSheHasStartedToDoInTheLastWeekOrSo
#ICanNotImagineHerWalkingAroundButIGuessThoseDaysAreGettingCloserAndCloser
#SometimesAtNightNowIHearHerCryingSoITurnOnTheMonitorAndSheIsJustSatUpInHerCot
#IHadACallWithMySupportBefrienderPersonTheOtherDay
#SheSaidSheThatCouldTellThatIWasDown
#ISaidIDoNotKnowWhyIBotherMakingProjectsAndThingsWithTheFreeTimeIHaveWhenICouldBeRelaxingInstead
#SheSaidItIsBecauseYouLoveIt
#ILikeThisProjectFromTimeToTimeButItIsMoreThatIFeelIHaveToMakeIt
#WhenIDoAGoodShootIFeelGreatButWhenIDoNotIFeelPrettyDown
#SoHerCommentGaveMeAKickToActuallyStartShootingForAProjectThatIHaveBeenThinkingAboutForAFewWeeks
#IDoNotKnowIfItWillEverSeeTheLightOfDayButIDefinitelyFeelBetterForHavingStartedIt
#ThisMorningTiagoGotBUpAt7AndHeWillLookAfterHerUntilHerNapAtAround10
#IDidMyDanceVideosFirstThingToGetThemDoneAsIFeelLikeTheyHangOverMeAtTheWeekend
#TodayIReallyEnjoyedItButSomeWeeksItIsJustAnotherThingThatIFeelIHaveToDo
#INeedToStopFeelingGuiltyForHavingSomeTimeToMyself
#IWorkPrettyQuicklyNowWithTheFreeTimeIHaveAndTiagoIsBsDadSoOfCourseHeShouldBeSpendingTimeWithHer
#IThinkIFeelBadAsTiagoIsWorkingAllWeekAndMakingMoneyWhereasIDoNotMakeMuch
#IAmDoingSomeNonArtPaidWorkAtTheMomentWhichIJustDoInFifteenMinutesToTwoHoursIshSessions
#IDoLookForOtherWorkWhereBWouldHaveToGoToNurseryButThereDoesNotSeemToBeMuchOutThere
#ItWouldAlsoNeedToBeSomethingWhichLeavesMeWithEnoughAfterPayingNurseryFeesToSeemWorthIt
#MostOfTheMumsIKnowWithBabiesOfASimilarAgeAreEitherBackAtWorkOrGoingBackSoon
#ItIsAnnoyingInTheSenseThatSoonWeWillBeAbleToHangOutWithOtherBabiesButTheyAllMightBeInNurseries
#IGuessThereWillBeSomeAroundThoughWhoseParentsWorkPartTimeOrWhoAreInASimilarPosition
#IHaveSpokenToACoupleOfMumsThisWeekAtThePlaygroundWeGoTo
#IRealiseNowThatEveryoneElseProbablyWantsToChatButTheyAreJustAsAwkwardAsMe
#MyCurrentMumPickupLineIsHowOldIsYourLittleOne
#WeSayWeWillSeeEachOtherAroundButWeHaveLivedHereForFourMonthsAndIDoNotThinkIHaveSeenThemBefore
#WorkingOnANewProjectAndTalkingToPeopleMakesMeFeelHappierSoINeedToKeepOnDoingWhatIAmDoing

#BIsDefinitelyMovingAroundQuickerEachDay

I’m excited for her to walk, but I’m almost nervous. We’re on bump alert most of the time at the moment.

#YesterdaySheGotStuckByTheCushionsByTheTVAsSheOnlyLikesRollingOneWaySoSheKeptRollingIntoThemRatherThanAwayFromThem

We have cushions everywhere. She definitely has a rolling preference. She was getting agitated and I’m like ‘why don’t you just roll the other way?’

Obviously she can’t understand me, but eventually she had rolled into them enough times that she was able to make enough space to roll onto her belly and crawl away. Gripping stuff.

#ThisPhotoIsMeImitatingHerWithHerHandsAndFeetOnTheFloorWhichSheHasStartedToDoInTheLastWeekOrSo

I was toying between imitating this and the way she sits down sometimes. I will have to aim to do that next time.

I haven’t done the shoot yet, but I wrote it like I had. I guess the backdrop will be the cupboards in our bedroom again… I could quickly go into B’s room and do it there, but by the time I finish writing this she is due to sleep. I could just go and do the shoot now. Hmm.

Okay I need to move quick…

Well that was fun. Tiago and B came up during the shoot and the light was blocking the doorway (health and safety!!!), so Tiago passed B over the light which she found hilarious.

I obviously (well maybe it’s not that obvious) have more hair than B. I did some yoga after my dance videos too so that helped, especially as B is so flexible.

#ICanNotImagineHerWalkingAroundButIGuessThoseDaysAreGettingCloserAndCloser

So bizarre. I know other babies who are standing up/supporting themselves, but B seemed to want to crawl first and now she has mastered that she is working on her standing.

#SometimesAtNightNowIHearHerCryingSoITurnOnTheMonitorAndSheIsJustSatUpInHerCot

I wanted to write more about this/I did and then deleted them as I needed more space for other things. Maybe I should have kept them? Maybe I should have saved it for my next post?

It did weird me out the first time I saw her just sat there. I don’t know why, it just looked odd!

#IHadACallWithMySupportBefrienderPersonTheOtherDay

I never know what to call her. The woman who calls me every 2 weeks to talk about my mental health. I had thought about quitting the service as they probably have a waiting list and I don’t want to unnecessarily take up their resources. I just feel like I don’t have time for a 30 minute call every 2 weeks (lol) as it happens during B’s nap, but it is useful and it does make me think differently about things.

#SheSaidSheThatCouldTellThatIWasDown

I was trying to hide it.

#ISaidIDoNotKnowWhyIBotherMakingProjectsAndThingsWithTheFreeTimeIHaveWhenICouldBeRelaxingInstead

I have said it before. I wish I could just relax and do nothing, but I’m stubborn about making work. I obviously need to do it as well.

#SheSaidItIsBecauseYouLoveIt

I was like ‘Do I though?’

#ILikeThisProjectFromTimeToTimeButItIsMoreThatIFeelIHaveToMakeIt

It is more just a project that I feel I am stuck making for now. I don’t know how long I will do it for. I thought maybe until B is one, but maybe it is a more long-term thing now that I just need to do once a week, so I have time for other things?

#WhenIDoAGoodShootIFeelGreatButWhenIDoNotIFeelPrettyDown

At the moment this shoot sits on the so-so pile. I might feel differently about it later.

Some weeks I have really not wanted to do this project, particularly when B was a bit younger.

In my ArtsQuest article (ooh get me quoting myself) I said ‘I decided to set up the blog not long after giving birth in June 2020 in a sleep-deprived haze of confidence. There are times that I have told myself off for giving myself extra work as my stubbornness means I will continue to write posts for probably at least a few more years to come whether anyone reads it or not.

I am glad that I did not quit it when there were times that I wanted to. I think this project will be interesting to look back on when B is older.

My favourite shoots are definitely those where I am imitating B, so I just need to make it more fun and playful.

#SoHerCommentGaveMeAKickToActuallyStartShootingForAProjectThatIHaveBeenThinkingAboutForAFewWeeks

Sometimes I have ideas that pass quickly, but this one was stuck in my head to the point where I knew I needed to do it. I had been doing some research for it, but I usually work best by shooting and seeing where it goes. It’s meant to be a fun project, which is self-portraiture and sticks within my interests.

#IDoNotKnowIfItWillEverSeeTheLightOfDayButIDefinitelyFeelBetterForHavingStartedIt

Starting a project is the hardest thing. Particularly now when my last few photography projects have generally been shoot, talk about it and post it, it’s weird doing work where it doesn’t feel like that might be the case. I may need to sit on it and see. It is another project though where I think I do just need to do keep shooting and accumulate mass to wade through.

Was that poetic? It seemed to be.

#ThisMorningTiagoGotBUpAt7AndHeWillLookAfterHerUntilHerNapAtAround10

He’s just gone off for a bike ride and I had 3 hours in the morning to do things. BEAUTIFUL. It’s 10.30am now and B should be asleep for another 45 minutes, so I’m really enjoying getting things done. In the morning I have a list of things that I want to do in my head and it’s a long time to wait until 7.30pm when I can usually get more things done.

#IDidMyDanceVideosFirstThingToGetThemDoneAsIFeelLikeTheyHangOverMeAtTheWeekend

Nothing like waking yourself up with dance videos. I did 5 today. I usually do 3/4, and one was 7 minutes long!

#TodayIReallyEnjoyedItButSomeWeeksItIsJustAnotherThingThatIFeelIHaveToDo

My support befriender person said I’m disciplined. I guess it’s true.

I’ve always said with the dance videos that the project is over when I don’t want to do it anymore. Some weeks it feels like more of a slog (having to move furniture and stuff is always fun), but other times I do get into it more. It’s meant to be an exercise in not caring and today I didn’t care and just enjoyed it.

#INeedToStopFeelingGuiltyForHavingSomeTimeToMyself

Oh, Mum guilt.

#IWorkPrettyQuicklyNowWithTheFreeTimeIHaveAndTiagoIsBsDadSoOfCourseHeShouldBeSpendingTimeWithHer

And he likes spending time with her. I do not faff so much anymore, particularly at this time of day when I know that I can not take the piss.

#IThinkIFeelBadAsTiagoIsWorkingAllWeekAndMakingMoneyWhereasIDoNotMakeMuch

He works so hard and I want him to have time to rest and relax. Well, I guess playing with your daughter is relaxing?

#IAmDoingSomeNonArtPaidWorkAtTheMomentWhichIJustDoInFifteenMinutesToTwoHoursIshSessions

At the moment the work comes when it comes, when it doesn’t come then I do my own work.

#IDoLookForOtherWorkWhereBWouldHaveToGoToNurseryButThereDoesNotSeemToBeMuchOutThere

It’s a weird time.

#ItWouldAlsoNeedToBeSomethingWhichLeavesMeWithEnoughAfterPayingNurseryFeesToSeemWorthIt

If I’m left with 5 quid afterwards then what’s the point? Some people might say yeah it’s 5 quid, but it seems like a lot of hassle. Hopefully something will come up at some point, but for now I should enjoy spending time with B as I’m sure a lot of people would just prefer to be at home with their kids. I know I am lucky.

Having time away from B this morning makes me look forward to playing with her when she wakes up. I don’t feel as excited if I’m with her all day every day you know? No offence B.

#MostOfTheMumsIKnowWithBabiesOfASimilarAgeAreEitherBackAtWorkOrGoingBackSoon #ItIsAnnoyingInTheSenseThatSoonWeWillBeAbleToHangOutWithOtherBabiesButTheyAllMightBeInNurseries

I just want to have a gaggle of friends who we meet up with in the summer and chill in the park with. She might have to make do with younger friends but that’s fine. A lot of the younger babies that we have met will be acknowledging other babies/not sleeping all the time by the time the better weather comes around.

#IGuessThereWillBeSomeAroundThoughWhoseParentsWorkPartTimeOrWhoAreInASimilarPosition

A lot of people seem to be cutting/condensing their hours to fewer days a week, so I guess there will be a day when people are free to play.

#IHaveSpokenToACoupleOfMumsThisWeekAtThePlaygroundWeGoTo

It always seems to come in phases – one week I talk to people and then I do not talk to anyone for a week.

#IRealiseNowThatEveryoneElseProbablyWantsToChatButTheyAreJustAsAwkwardAsMe

I think people do not know how to start a conversation (like me).

#MyCurrentMumPickupLineIsHowOldIsYourLittleOne

This seems to be a good one. I don’t offend someone by misgendering their child, and it’s something that doesn’t seem too intimidating. I usually direct it to people who have sat their kid in the swing next to us.

#WeSayWeWillSeeEachOtherAroundButWeHaveLivedHereForFourMonthsAndIDoNotThinkIHaveSeenThemBefore

One woman I think we might have seen once before, but the other one I really don’t think I have. We’ll see how long it takes to bump into them again.

#WorkingOnANewProjectAndTalkingToPeopleMakesMeFeelHappierSoINeedToKeepOnDoingWhatIAmDoing

Last time I spoke to more people I was feeling really down due to ‘am I pregnant/am I not?’ issues and other people made the effort, but now I am feeling better I am the one reaching out. I guess things go in waves, but I want to keep getting mentally and physically stronger.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating How B Puts Her Arms Up When I Pick Her Up (2nd March 2021)

Me with my arms in the air.
Imitating How B Puts Her Arms Up When I Pick Her Up (2nd March 2021)
 
#IHaveCalledTheShootFolderPutYourArmsInTheAirLikeYouAreBAndYouDoNotCare
#BeforeWhenIPickedHerUpSheWouldJustNotMoveHerArmsAndSoItWasEasyToLiftAndCarryHer
#NowAfterYouPickHerUpSheWillJustThrowHerArmsUpStraightIntoTheAirAndAsSheIsGettingHeavierItCanBeQuiteAStruggle
#HerSkinIsABitBetterButIThinkItWillTakeSomeTimeToGoAwayCompletely
#IAmABitBoredOfApplyingCreamsAndThingsButObviouslyItIsForTheBest
#AfterMyLastShootIWentToAnOnlineZoomMeetingForLocalMumsWhileBWasAsleep
#ItWasJustSoSuperAwkwardAsIDidNotRealiseIWasOnMuteAtFirstAndThenIDidNotGetToTalkOrSoItFelt
#ItMadeMeRememberWhyIHadNotBeenToOneForTwoMonthsOrSoAndIHadACryAfterwards
#AfterBWasUpIBlewMyNoseAndThenSheWasCryingAsItHadScaredHer
#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainAndPostingABlogEntryTheOtherDayMadeMeRealiseThatMyLastBadPatchWasNotThatLongAgo
#INeedToStartLookingAfterMyselfBetterSoThatICanBeABetterMumForB
#IWantToGetMentallyStrongAsWellAsPhysicallyStrong
#InTheLastWeekIHaveStartedToTryToDoPushups
#IThoughtMyArmsShouldBeGettingStrongerWithAllThisBabyCarryingButIRealisedHowWeakTheyAreStill
#DoYouEverGetThatFeelingOfThereIsSoMuchThatYouWantToDoButYouDoNotKnowWhereToStartSoInsteadOfDoingSomethingYouDoNothing
#IFeltABitLikeThatTheOtherDayAndISpentALotOfMyFreeTimeAtTheWeekendJustWatchingTaskmaster
#IThinkIAmJustABitScaredOfFailureSlashWastingMyTimeSoIWouldRatherRelax
#WeHadOurSecondDateNightTheOtherNightWhichWasUsJustWatchingTheFilmStanAndOllie
#SoOurDateNightIsBasicallyUsJustWatchingTVTogether
#OnceBGoesToSleepIAmUsuallyOffDoingWorkOrProcrastinatingOrTryingToRead
#IAmABitFrustratedByAllThePeopleActingLikeLockdownIsOver
#SuddenlyThereAreLargeGroupsSatInTheParkHavingPicnicsAndDrinking
#IGetItIKnowThatPeopleAreFedUpAndWhatever
#IAmJustBitterAsIWouldNotEnjoyMyselfIfIDidTheSame
#AndIAmWorriedThatByTheTimeBabyClassesAreDueToReopenTheyWillNotBeAllowedToAsInfectionRatesMightGetWorseAgain
#BSeemsToBeTeethingALotAgain
#SheHasBeenTeasingUsWithThisOnOffTeethingBusinessForAWhileButMaybeAToothWillSoonAppear
#EveryDayILoveHerABitMore
#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAndJustBeMorePresentWhenIAmWithHer
#IAlsoNeedToTalkToHerMoreButIFindItDifficultAsTheDaysAreSoLongAndRepetitiveAndIGetTired

#IHaveCalledTheShootFolderPutYourArmsInTheAirLikeYouAreBAndYouDoNotCare

I am so funny.

#BeforeWhenIPickedHerUpSheWouldJustNotMoveHerArmsAndSoItWasEasyToLiftAndCarryHer

Hands under the arms. Great.

#NowAfterYouPickHerUpSheWillJustThrowHerArmsUpStraightIntoTheAirAndAsSheIsGettingHeavierItCanBeQuiteAStruggle

Sometimes I worry that she will just slip out of my hands.

#HerSkinIsABitBetterButIThinkItWillTakeSomeTimeToGoAwayCompletely #IAmABitBoredOfApplyingCreamsAndThingsButObviouslyItIsForTheBest

Her chest seems a little worse in places. I am thinking it is heat rash as she does sleep on her tummy a lot. I’ve been experimenting with making her room cooler at bedtime this last week. It seems to have been going okay.

#AfterMyLastShootIWentToAnOnlineZoomMeetingForLocalMumsWhileBWasAsleep

I usually do work/have me time when B is asleep and these zoom chats are always when B is napping. However I felt in the mood to talk to people

#ItWasJustSoSuperAwkwardAsIDidNotRealiseIWasOnMuteAtFirstAndThenIDidNotGetToTalkOrSoItFelt

I am cringeing now. I thought they were ignoring me, but then I realised that I had muted my computer via the button on my keyboard. Later on I tried to talk but someone else also spoke at the same time, so I just let them carry on. Then I asked a question to one of the women, but at that moment she went on mute and it was just super awkward.

#ItMadeMeRememberWhyIHadNotBeenToOneForTwoMonthsOrSoAndIHadACryAfterwards

I was crying quite a lot. I think it was partly because of the call, but also just crying to get other things off of my chest.

#AfterBWasUpIBlewMyNoseAndThenSheWasCryingAsItHadScaredHer

I was still crying, so I had to blow my nose. Then she started to cry, which made me cry more as I felt terrible. I do not like crying in front of her. It was a bad day.

#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainAndPostingABlogEntryTheOtherDayMadeMeRealiseThatMyLastBadPatchWasNotThatLongAgo

This entry.

I said:

#OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow

I think they’re more frequent occurrences than ‘once in a while’ to be fair.’

Reading that while feeling in a similar patch made me realise that it is more common. I had thought about quitting my fortnightly mental health call, but I think I need it for now.

#INeedToStartLookingAfterMyselfBetterSoThatICanBeABetterMumForB

I wrote about this a lot the other night in my diary.

#IWantToGetMentallyStrongAsWellAsPhysicallyStrong

I’m bored of sounding like such a negative whiney person. I think I write this at least once a month.

A big part of it is also feeling like I’m only as good as my last shoot and I haven’t liked my last couple of shoots. I hope today’s shoot goes better.

#InTheLastWeekIHaveStartedToTryToDoPushups #IThoughtMyArmsShouldBeGettingStrongerWithAllThisBabyCarryingButIRealisedHowWeakTheyAreStill

I’ve done 30 days of yoga a few times now and I still can not do chaturanga to upward facing dog without touching the floor between them. So with more pushups I hope to be able to achieve this (I can do it sometimes, but I want to be able to do it all the time).

#DoYouEverGetThatFeelingOfThereIsSoMuchThatYouWantToDoButYouDoNotKnowWhereToStartSoInsteadOfDoingSomethingYouDoNothing #IFeltABitLikeThatTheOtherDayAndISpentALotOfMyFreeTimeAtTheWeekendJustWatchingTaskmaster #IThinkIAmJustABitScaredOfFailureSlashWastingMyTimeSoIWouldRatherRelax

I was tired. I need to not be so hard on myself and let myself relax a bit. Previously I would have just jumped into doing something. Now I am trying to think about it more first before I do it, though I think I am at the point where I just need to try something.

It’s difficult not having a good space to work in, like when I was using what is now B’s room. Our bedroom is okay, but it’s not the most ideal. I miss a blank wall. I’m going to order a backdrop or paper or something.

#WeHadOurSecondDateNightTheOtherNightWhichWasUsJustWatchingTheFilmStanAndOllie

We had planned to watch this last week, but instead we watched 3 episodes of tv.

Amy Poehler told a joke at the Golden Globes the other night that summed it up nicely:  ‘Now, TV is the one that I watch five hours straight, but a movie is the one that I don’t turn on because it’s two hours. I don’t want to be in front of my TV for two hours, I want to be in front of the TV for one hour five times.’

#SoOurDateNightIsBasicallyUsJustWatchingTVTogether

So most couple’s normal nights? We don’t watch TV together in the evenings after B is asleep usually.

#OnceBGoesToSleepIAmUsuallyOffDoingWorkOrProcrastinatingOrTryingToRead

I rarely sit in the living room while B is asleep. I’m usually sat in our room. I’ve started 3 books lately, but I need to actually finish one.

Library e-books are a better way for me to read as I usually have 14 days to read them before it’s time to return it for someone else in the queue. If I own it then I do not do such a good job of finishing it.

A book that I am aiming to finish is The Five by Hallie Rubenhold.

Last night I should have just got into bed early and read it, but when I’m tired I procrastinate more than usual and I wasted a lot of time doing nothing.

#IAmABitFrustratedByAllThePeopleActingLikeLockdownIsOver #SuddenlyThereAreLargeGroupsSatInTheParkHavingPicnicsAndDrinking

Hi, it’s me Jocelyn the pandemic police lady again.

#IGetItIKnowThatPeopleAreFedUpAndWhatever

I am also a member of the not very exclusive ‘I’m fed up’ club.

#IAmJustBitterAsIWouldNotEnjoyMyselfIfIDidTheSame

I would feel guilty for openly flouting the rules and I also can not be carefree in the park anymore as I have a baby.

#AndIAmWorriedThatByTheTimeBabyClassesAreDueToReopenTheyWillNotBeAllowedToAsInfectionRatesMightGetWorseAgain

If you all want to get Covid then fine, but just let me leave the house for a baby class or playgroup. Pleaseeee.

#BSeemsToBeTeethingALotAgain #SheHasBeenTeasingUsWithThisOnOffTeethingBusinessForAWhileButMaybeAToothWillSoonAppear

She has been teasing us since before we moved to Birmingham and we have lived here for 4 months now.

#EveryDayILoveHerABitMore

Cheesy but true. I look at her many times during the day and think ‘whoa I grew this little human inside me’.

#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAndJustBeMorePresentWhenIAmWithHer #IAlsoNeedToTalkToHerMoreButIFindItDifficultAsTheDaysAreSoLongAndRepetitiveAndIGetTired

Maybe these hashtags should be swapped around? Oh well.

I do need to talk to her more. I think I spend a lot of the day in silence/watching more kids TV than she does. I just can not talk all day, especially when the person I am talking to can not really talk back. She has more talkative phases though and I just need to do that thing where you copy then say some words afterwards.

I need to get over things. I wanted a baby. I am so happy that we have B. We are lucky as we have my Nan, and we see my Mum a few times a week. It is just so tiring, but I do still want another one at some point. I’d rather just get on with things as there will never be a good time to have another child now.

(26th March: B throwing her arms up in the air after I picked her up seemed to be a 2 day phase. She hasn’t done it since then.)


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Portrait Of A Mother Of An 8 Month Old (13th February 2021)

Self-portrait staring into the distance with a reflection of myself behind.
Portrait Of A Mother Of An 8 Month Old (13th February 2021)
 
#ICanNotBelieveThatBIsTwoThirdsOfAYearOld
#AndAlsoThatThisIsMy80thEntryForThisProject
#ICanNotSayThatEveryPhotoIHaveTakenForItIsGoodButIAmHappyToHaveARecordOfThingsAnywaysEspeciallyWithAllTheWriting
#JustYesterdayTiagoWalkedIntoOurBedroomHoldingBAndIThoughtWhoaIAmTheMotherOfThisSmilingYoungHuman
#IRealisedIHadActuallySwitchedOffABitAsIKnewThatTiagoWouldLookAfterHerUntilHerBedtime
#UsuallyISpendMostOfTheTimeAwayFromBOnEdgeThatSheMayWakeUpOrThatIAmRunningOutOfTimeToGetStuffDone
#IAmJustFeelingQuiteTired
#TwoNightsAgoAsSoonAsBWentToBedIJustGotIntoBedAndWatchedTheQueensGambit
#IWasExhaustedButIDidAlsoJustWantToWatchIt
#LastNightIMadeMyselfDoTheWorkThatINeededToDoFirstBeforeWatchingTheFinalEpisode
#IHaveNotReallyWatchedMuchTVLatelyApartFromItsASinAndDragRace
#CatchingTheEndOfBargainHuntWhenSortingOutBsLunchIsAlsoADailyHighlight
#ThoughIDidMissItYesterdayAndDoQuiteALotOfDaysActually
#NoOffenceToBButIAmABitBoredOfFeedingHer
#IThinkItIsMoreTheStressOfItThanAnythingElse
#OurUsualTrickForIfSheDoesNotSeemToWantToEatAtLunchIsToPutSomeGreekStyleYoghurtWithHerFood
#YesterdaySheDidNotWantToEatHerLunchButThenSuddenlySheHadFinishedHerBowlOfScrambledEggTomatoAndToastWithSomeYoghurt
#OrAtDinnerWeJustStartToFeedHerHerDessertWhichIsUsuallyYoghurtAndFruit
#ButThenWeMixSomeOfHerDinnerInWithItTooAndSoSheHasWeirdCombinationsOfFood
#WeUsuallyWaitAWhileFirstThoughBeforeDoingThis
#HerSkinIsLoadsBetterWhichIsARelief
#IThoughtThatRestaurantsWouldBeAllowedToReopenSoonButIJustLookedForTheArticleAgainAndSawItWasOnlyInJersey
#IWasNotBotheredAboutItButIThoughtItWouldSoonMeanGoodNewsForBabyGroups
#IWasThinkingYesterdayThatIThinkIHaveOnlyChangedBsNappyInPublicTwice
#OnceInARestaurantToiletAndOnceAtTheParkJustOnTheGrass
#ItIsJustWeirdThinkingThatIHaveAn8MonthOldButHaveOnlyBeenOutFarAndLongEnoughToChangeHerInPublicTwice
#IThinkTiagoHasProbablyChangedHerMoreThanMeThoughAsInTheEarlyDaysIFeltTooScaredNervousAndAwkwardTo
#WeWereSayingYesterdayThatItSeemsWeirdThatAtOnePointWeWereGoingOutToRestaurantsOnceAWeekish
#TiagoSaysThatHeIsReallyEnjoyingHisPlaytimeWithB
#EspeciallyNowThatSheShowsALotMoreOfHerPersonalityAndStartsToPlayWithHerToysAndRespondMore

#ICanNotBelieveThatBIsTwoThirdsOfAYearOld

Time really flies.

Every time I do one of these ‘Portrait Of A Mother…’ posts I think ‘how has another month gone by already?’

#AndAlsoThatThisIsMy80thEntryForThisProject

My pregnancy project was 84 entries. I thought I should note that for some reason.

#ICanNotSayThatEveryPhotoIHaveTakenForItIsGoodButIAmHappyToHaveARecordOfThingsAnywaysEspeciallyWithAllTheWriting

In the whole project how many photos am I really happy with? Probably about 10 right now, but perhaps more – I am not going to go through and count.

It’s a record and as time goes on some entries will make me cringe more and some less. Some photos I will grow to love, some I will love more and some I will tell myself for in some ways or another – ‘I should have done … instead’.

#JustYesterdayTiagoWalkedIntoOurBedroomHoldingBAndIThoughtWhoaIAmTheMotherOfThisSmilingYoungHuman

I love when they walk in and B is just super happy to see me.

She doesn’t have much time away from me to miss me…

#IRealisedIHadActuallySwitchedOffABitAsIKnewThatTiagoWouldLookAfterHerUntilHerBedtime

I think I left the living room at 6.30pm and her bedtime is around 7pm.

#UsuallyISpendMostOfTheTimeAwayFromBOnEdgeThatSheMayWakeUpOrThatIAmRunningOutOfTimeToGetStuffDone

Usually I am working during B’s naps, or after she goes to bed and I am normally the closest person to be able to respond to her (though I know it is temporary and she will sleep again). Or like now it is 8am and Tiago has been looking after her since 7am while I did my yoga and a bit of work. I know I should go downstairs soon and give him some time to do something. Or when my Mum is here and she is looking after B and I know she can not stay too long, or we have a baby class to attend anyways.

#IAmJustFeelingQuiteTired

My diary entry each night usually starts with ‘I am tired’ or some variation of the statement.

#TwoNightsAgoAsSoonAsBWentToBedIJustGotIntoBedAndWatchedTheQueensGambit

I was slow to get into it. My younger sister said it was good, but I was watching 10-15 minutes at a time stretching in the evenings and then I suddenly got into it.

#IWasExhaustedButIDidAlsoJustWantToWatchIt

I had worked all through B’s naps so I was shattered.

#LastNightIMadeMyselfDoTheWorkThatINeededToDoFirstBeforeWatchingTheFinalEpisode

I knew I would find it harder to watch the episode then do work after. I made the mistake of not getting into bed to watch the rest of the episode after stretching though.

#IHaveNotReallyWatchedMuchTVLatelyApartFromItsASinAndDragRace

UK and US Drag Race. I feel like there is so much TV to watch, but I should probably have a break now before I find something else to watch. I have stopped reading so much and I would like to get back into it.

#CatchingTheEndOfBargainHuntWhenSortingOutBsLunchIsAlsoADailyHighlight

I can not be bothered for most of the episode where they are finding stuff. Just show me how much they made or lost!

#ThoughIDidMissItYesterdayAndDoQuiteALotOfDaysActually

Fail. Sometimes I am feeding B and I have to carefully try to see what is going on – take B’s bowl away so she doesn’t knock it on the floor/make sure she doesn’t choke.

#NoOffenceToBButIAmABitBoredOfFeedingHer

I love you, but I do not look forward to mealtimes. Breakfast is alright.

#IThinkItIsMoreTheStressOfItThanAnythingElse

Has she eaten enough? Will she sleep through the night? Not sure why I worry really as she has some milk before bed which usually fills her up.

#OurUsualTrickForIfSheDoesNotSeemToWantToEatAtLunchIsToPutSomeGreekStyleYoghurtWithHerFood

I need to see how much is too much for a baby really. We don’t give her LOADS though.

#YesterdaySheDidNotWantToEatHerLunchButThenSuddenlySheHadFinishedHerBowlOfScrambledEggTomatoAndToastWithSomeYoghurt

Well, a lot of toast ends up on the floor and in her ‘pouch’ (where her bib collects food in her lap) along with the egg. The yoghurt did make her more keen though.

#OrAtDinnerWeJustStartToFeedHerHerDessertWhichIsUsuallyYoghurtAndFruit #ButThenWeMixSomeOfHerDinnerInWithItTooAndSoSheHasWeirdCombinationsOfFood

If she isn’t hungry then she will not eat it at all. I hope we are not creating a fussy eater, but there are worse things we could be adding to meals than plain yoghurt I think.

#WeUsuallyWaitAWhileFirstThoughBeforeDoingThis

10-30 minutes of us getting stressed, then ‘oh yeah, yoghurt!’

#HerSkinIsLoadsBetterWhichIsARelief

Thank you Hydromol (and to our friend who recommended it.)

#IThoughtThatRestaurantsWouldBeAllowedToReopenSoonButIJustLookedForTheArticleAgainAndSawItWasOnlyInJersey

I wondered why the article was no longer trending. I need to tell Tiago that I was telling lies last night…

#IWasNotBotheredAboutItButIThoughtItWouldSoonMeanGoodNewsForBabyGroups

I will miss the convenience of online baby classes when we can go to them in person again, though I think they are still planning some online ones for now for people who are unsure about returning to real life classes.

#IWasThinkingYesterdayThatIThinkIHaveOnlyChangedBsNappyInPublicTwice #OnceInARestaurantToiletAndOnceAtTheParkJustOnTheGrass

A weird, but true thought – unless I am forgetting other occasions.

#ItIsJustWeirdThinkingThatIHaveAn8MonthOldButHaveOnlyBeenOutFarAndLongEnoughToChangeHerInPublicTwice

Well, one time was without Tiago.

#IThinkTiagoHasProbablyChangedHerMoreThanMeThoughAsInTheEarlyDaysIFeltTooScaredNervousAndAwkwardToo

He definitely has. In the car park at the petrol station is another time on his list.

#WeWereSayingYesterdayThatItSeemsWeirdThatAtOnePointWeWereGoingOutToRestaurantsOnceAWeekish

Odd. Remember Eat Out To Help Out?

#TiagoSaysThatHeIsReallyEnjoyingHisPlaytimeWithB #EspeciallyNowThatSheShowsALotMoreOfHerPersonalityAndStartsToPlayWithHerToysAndRespondMore

Cute. She definitely does engage more.

It feels like there should be more to this post, but nope! It’s nearly 8.30am and I need to go to see what T and B are up to!


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Pan/Drum During Online Baby Classes (10th February 2021)

Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Pan/Drum During Online Baby Classes (10th February 2021)
 
#AYearAgoTiagoAndIWereInOsloForAFewDaysAfterMyVeryFirstSoloShowHadOpened
#ItFeltLikeACelebrationOfMyPreBabyLifeInAWay
#IWas20ishWeeksPregnantAndFeelingALittleWorriedAboutCovid
#INeverWouldHaveThoughtThatItWouldBeTheYearThatItHas
#IMentionMyShowNotToBoastButAsAHappyReminderToMyself
#OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow
#TheOtherDayIWasFeelingBurnedOutInGeneral
#AndNowIJustFeelABitMopeyAndWhyDoIBotherDoingAllMyWork
#IKnowWhyAndItIsBecauseItIsTherapeuticForMe
#IAmGladWeMovedAsWeHaveTheExtraSupportAndIThinkIWouldBeSuperMiserableInLiverpoolRightNow
#ILovedTheCityButWeJustFeltVeryStuckThereAndIFeltBadNotBeingAbleToSeeMyNan
#DuringTheWeekITendToDoTwoBabyClassesWithBInTheDay
#OneInTheMorningFromYoutubeAndOneLiveOnZoomSoSheCanSeeOtherBabies
#NextWeekItIsHalfTermAndTheLiveClassesAreNotOnSoINeedToStepMyMotheringGameUpABit
#IKnowWeAreLuckyAndThatThingsCouldBeALotWorse
#ButThisAllDoesSuckQuiteABit
#NowIWonderIfWeWillEvenBeAbleToSeeTiagosFamilyThisYear
#IImaginedBsEarlyLifeToBeVeryDifferentThoughLuckilySheDoesNotKnowThatSheIsMissingOutOnThings
#IThinkIFailToMentionHowSupportiveTiagoIsAsWell
#HeDoesALotForUsAndHeLooksAfterMyNanReallyWell
#YesterdayBStartedToClapALittleBitWhichWasQuiteCute
#IGotHerSomeFarmAnimalPuppetsAfterSeeingHerReactionToThemInHerBabyClasses
#IThinkSheIsHappyButIJustWantHerToBeAbleToHangOutWithMorePeopleAndBabiesInRealLife
#HopefullyWhenTheWeatherImprovesRulesWillHaveRelaxedABitAndWeCanJustSitOutsideWithMorePeople
#HerSkinSeemsALittleBetterAtLeastButIThinkItWillTakeAWhileToReturnToNormal
#TalkingAboutMyWorkAgainThoughLastNightIHadADreamThatIWonACompetitionInTimorLeste
#IWasCryingOnThePhoneBecauseIFeltLikeINeededTheConfidenceBoostAndDidNotEvenCareAboutHowMuchTheCallWasCostingMe
#TheWorkThatIWonWithWasReallyBizarreThoughLikePhotoshoppedSeascapesWithSeaCreaturesAndThings
#SoIWasBitGuttedThatItWasNotForMyMotherhoodProjectOrSomethingMoreMeaningfulToMe
#IGuessIAmFeelingABitLostAtTheMomentButItWillSoonPass

#AYearAgoTiagoAndIWereInOsloForAFewDaysAfterMyVeryFirstSoloShowHadOpened

Thanks Vasli Souza for the lovely show of my work. Installation shots and info here.

#ItFeltLikeACelebrationOfMyPreBabyLifeInAWay

I was hoping that I’d still be able to keep making work (I knew I’d find a way) and it was showing pictures from my pre-baby projects.

#IWas20ishWeeksPregnantAndFeelingALittleWorriedAboutCovid

I posted a picture on my insta story of a guy next to me on the plane invading my personal space. I was freaked out. I was trying to keep my distance and washing and sanitising my hands whenever I could. I bought some hand sanitiser at the airport.

#INeverWouldHaveThoughtThatItWouldBeTheYearThatItHas

Did any of us?

#IMentionMyShowNotToBoastButAsAHappyReminderToMyself #OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow

I think they’re more frequent occurrences than ‘once in a while’ to be fair.

(1st March – I’m currently in another patch. They are obviously more often than I thought, as I did not realise that the last patch was a few weeks ago…)

#TheOtherDayIWasFeelingBurnedOutInGeneral

Tired. I spent B’s naps in bed etc.

#AndNowIJustFeelABitMopeyAndWhyDoIBotherDoingAllMyWork #IKnowWhyAndItIsBecauseItIsTherapeuticForMe

Sometimes I do feel like I could just be relaxing instead of tiring myself out by doing my own stuff, but I do need to do it for my own sanity. Writing these hashtags took a while too as I felt a bit awkward and meh. I have no idea what I am going to do for the shoot. I think I might try and do something a bit more creative for my own sake…

#IAmGladWeMovedAsWeHaveTheExtraSupportAndIThinkIWouldBeSuperMiserableInLiverpoolRightNow #ILovedTheCityButWeJustFeltVeryStuckThereAndIFeltBadNotBeingAbleToSeeMyNan

I was calling my Nan on the phone every day and she sounded miserable, and I felt bad not being able to do anything to make her feel better.

#DuringTheWeekITendToDoTwoBabyClassesWithBInTheDay

I may have mentioned this recently, but what else do we do besides try to go out for a walk once a day? Yeah not much.

#OneInTheMorningFromYoutubeAndOneLiveOnZoomSoSheCanSeeOtherBabies

I have started to arrive early to them now as it’s usually the same class every day. Yesterday we were two minutes late and there was only one other Mum and baby there, so they were probably relieved that we turned up. Or maybe they were disappointed as they wanted the class to themselves?

#NextWeekItIsHalfTermAndTheLiveClassesAreNotOnSoINeedToStepMyMotheringGameUpABit

I like the live classes as it gives us something to aim for each day. I also like that I know she has had some ‘proper stimulation’, but I know most of the exercises/things we do off my heart now anyways.

#IKnowWeAreLuckyAndThatThingsCouldBeALotWorse

I feel bad whining as I know that a lot of people have lost and suffered a lot. I’m just pissed because my baby can’t meet a lot of my friends and I’m bored of WhatsApp groups. The group baby walk we were meant to go on got cancelled due to the smallest amount of snow…

#ButThisAllDoesSuckQuiteABit

Erghhhhhh.

#NowIWonderIfWeWillEvenBeAbleToSeeTiagosFamilyThisYear

There was talk on the TV yesterday about summer holidays. For now the rules are strict which is good BUT WHY WASN’T IT THIS STRICT 11 MONTHS AGO.

It must be hard for Tiago to not see his family/visit his home country/not be able to introduce his baby to everyone. He hasn’t even seen his London friends in over a year…

#IImaginedBsEarlyLifeToBeVeryDifferentThoughLuckilySheDoesNotKnowThatSheIsMissingOutOnThings

I was getting emotional writing all this. I had a conversation with a friend yesterday who feels like his young daughter is missing out. I said that I think it won’t affect them too much, but who knows.

It upset me that B cried so much when she last saw my Dad. Luckily she gets to see my Nan, Mum and younger sister on a regular basis in real life so that she does know more people really exist.

#IThinkIFailToMentionHowSupportiveTiagoIsAsWell #HeDoesALotForUsAndHeLooksAfterMyNanReallyWell

Of course he is B’s Dad, but it means a lot to me when he looks after her so I can do some work. He is more cheerful than me and has a strong positive presence which is great. He does spoil my Nan by buying her favourite fruit pies and he sits and talks to her while I work in the evenings.

#YesterdayBStartedToClapALittleBitWhichWasQuiteCute

She hasn’t done it yet today, but she was doing it before her first nap and then during her baby class and the teacher commented on it.

(Sad but when teacher’s praise B it makes me feel good. I need it.)

#IGotHerSomeFarmAnimalPuppetsAfterSeeingHerReactionToThemInHerBabyClasses

I spend a lot of the day making animal noises now. I was singing to her on the swing the other day and another Mum smiled at us as she went past with her baby. I felt a bit awkward as I realised she could probably hear me. Lately we seem to go to the playground at quiet times. It’s better for B as I talk/sing to her more while she swings, but she likes to look at other people…

#IThinkSheIsHappyButIJustWantHerToBeAbleToHangOutWithMorePeopleAndBabiesInRealLife #HopefullyWhenTheWeatherImprovesRulesWillHaveRelaxedABitAndWeCanJustSitOutsideWithMorePeople

Bring on the summerrrr. My Mum suggested getting some fake grass for the garden, so she can crawl around outside more. It’s all bricks outside at the moment, and it’d be nice to casually sit outside and not worry about the floor being too hard. We’ll see.

#HerSkinSeemsALittleBetterAtLeastButIThinkItWillTakeAWhileToReturnToNormal

This new ointment seems to keep her skin hydrated for longer. Hurrah.

#TalkingAboutMyWorkAgainThoughLastNightIHadADreamThatIWonACompetitionInTimorLeste

Random. It was an internet competition and I spent a lot of the dream trying to figure out when I entered it and what the prize was. I never found out. Probably for the best as I woke up disappointed that I had not won.

Awkward.

#IWasCryingOnThePhoneBecauseIFeltLikeINeededTheConfidenceBoostAndDidNotEvenCareAboutHowMuchTheCallWasCostingMe

Also awkward.

#TheWorkThatIWonWithWasReallyBizarreThoughLikePhotoshoppedSeascapesWithSeaCreaturesAndThings

Bizarre for me/my work.

#SoIWasBitGuttedThatItWasNotForMyMotherhoodProjectOrSomethingMoreMeaningfulToMe

Winners can’t be choosers?

#IGuessIAmFeelingABitLostAtTheMomentButItWillSoonPass

I rarely enter competitions now as I’d rather use the time to make work or do something with guaranteed results/an outcome, so I don’t think I’ll be winning anything soon.

I’ll get over it.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

It Has Been A Weird Couple Of Weeks (3rd February 2021)

Trigger warning: Miscarriage(?).

B sat between my legs looking down at her hands
It Has Been A Weird Couple Of Weeks (3rd February 2021)
 
#ItHasBeenAWeirdCoupleOfWeeks
#IDidNotKnowIfIWouldTalkAboutItHereButIDecidedIShouldAsThisProjectIsTryingToBeAsHonestAsPossible
#BasicallyOverTwoWeeksAgoIWasWakingUpInTheMorningFeelingSick
#AfterThreeOrSoDaysOfItIDecidedToDoAPregnancyTestWhichWasPositive
#SoIStartedToMakeANewPregnancyProjectAndIThoughtIWasManagingMyMorningSicknessWell
#AfterAboutAWeekAndAHalfIWasGettingQuiteBadCrampsAndSomeBleeding
#SoICalledUpTheDoctorsAndTheyCalledMeInToExamineMyTummy
#AndTheyDid3PregnancyTestsWhichWereAllNegative
#ThingsGotABitWorseAndTheyMadeMeDoAPregnancyBloodTestWhichAlsoCameBackNegative
#ItWasAndIsABitOfAConfusingSituationAsWasIEverActuallyPregnantOrNotIsHardToSay
#ISpentSomeTimeThinkingIWasAndMadeWorkAboutItAndTheDoctorsVisitsAndWaitingForResultsEtc
#IAmNotSureIfIWillEverShowItOrShareItButItFeelsSomewhatImportantToSayThatItExists
#InMyLastEntryITalkedAboutNotBeingThatBotheredAboutMeetingPeople
#ThoughInTheLastWeekIHaveHad3DifferentPeopleTalkToMeAtThePlaygroundWhenBeforeNoOneReallySpokeToMe
#OneWomanAskedIfIWasPlanningOnHavingAnymoreKidsAndAtThatPointIDidNotKnowWhatWasHappeningToMyBodyAndJustSaidYeahIHopeSo
#SheSaidSheHadTwoKidsWithAnEightYearGapAndTheyHadGivenUpOnHavingAnotherOneWhenSheGotPregnantWithHerYoungest
#WeWouldLikeTwoKidsButIWouldNotLikeAn8YearGapButIGuessWeHaveToSeeWhatHappens
#ItAlsoFeelsAwkwardTalkingAboutThisAsBeingPregnantWithBIWorriedThatIWouldLoseOutOnOpportunitiesByBeingPregnant
#NowThatIAmSayingWeWouldLikeAnotherKidOutLoudItFeelsLikeAgainIMightBeDismissedSomewhatForIt
#WeStartedSleepTrainingBAsIDidNotWantToBePregnantAndBeingWokenUpAllNight
#LastNightWePutHerToBedAt7AndIHadToWakeHerUpAt7WhichIsVeryRare
#EvenThoughWeSleptWellICouldHaveSleptForAnother10Hours
#ButYeahIWouldLikeToMeetSomeLocalPeopleButIAmNoGoodInGroupConversationsOnZoom
#ThereIsALocalWalkNextWeekForParentsWhichIsNiceAsTheyHaveBeenCancelledForAWhile
#IWasAlsoTryingToProtectMyselfAsIThoughtIWasPregnantAndShouldStayAwayFromPeopleForABit
#IAmEnjoyingBsZoomClassesButSheJustSeemsToTryAndEatEverything
#WhenItsTimeForKitchenInstrumentsSheJustEatsTheSpatulaAndIfITakeThatAwaySheTriesToEatThePan
#LastNightWeWereLyingOnTheFloorAndIWasReadingHerBooksAndSheLookedOverAtMeInASuperCuteWay
#SoILeanedTowardsHerAndThenSheJustStartedToStickHerFingersInMyEyesAndUpMyNose
#SheDoesNotKnowWhatSheIsDoingSoIAmGoingToTakeThatAsASignOfHerAffection

#ItHasBeenAWeirdCoupleOfWeeks #IDidNotKnowIfIWouldTalkAboutItHereButIDecidedIShouldAsThisProjectIsTryingToBeAsHonestAsPossible

I spoke to a friend yesterday and she said in some ways it was important to talk about it.

#BasicallyOverTwoWeeksAgoIWasWakingUpInTheMorningFeelingSick #AfterThreeOrSoDaysOfItIDecidedToDoAPregnancyTestWhichWasPositive #SoIStartedToMakeANewPregnancyProjectAndIThoughtIWasManagingMyMorningSicknessWell

Drinking plenty and eating snacks. I was determined to not have a Puke Portraits II project.

#AfterAboutAWeekAndAHalfIWasGettingQuiteBadCrampsAndSomeBleeding #SoICalledUpTheDoctorsAndTheyCalledMeInToExamineMyTummy #AndTheyDid3PregnancyTestsWhichWereAllNegative #ThingsGotABitWorseAndTheyMadeMeDoAPregnancyBloodTestWhichAlsoCameBackNegative #ItWasAndIsABitOfAConfusingSituationAsWasIEverActuallyPregnantOrNotIsHardToSay

I thought I better put a trigger warning on the post. I did bleed, but was it a period or more than that? My period(?) was 4 days early, which rarely happens. I had had a period a month previously, but I did have a bit of one when I was pregnant with B. I was really heavy for 2 days and then it pretty much stopped which had made me suspicious.

The blood test was just to see if I was still pregnant or not, but they will never be able to tell me if I was pregnant or not.

(Before I did the home pregnancy test I was also needing to go to the toilet more and I had even thought to myself ‘I’m doing kegels everyday, why do I suddenly need to wee more?’)

#ISpentSomeTimeThinkingIWasAndMadeWorkAboutItAndTheDoctorsVisitsAndWaitingForResultsEtc

I started to mentally prepare myself for being pregnant again. I was super anxious about something bad happening. I have a phone call every 2 weeks about my mental health and my anxiety was through the roof.

I really thought I was wasting their time by calling about cramps and slight bleeding, but I was just crying my eyes out that day in worry.

Thanks to the NHS for their help. I read an article the other day about maternity staff feeling overwhelmed – when I called the hospital to book my first appointment the woman on the phone said her and her colleagues were really at the end of their tethers that day.

#IAmNotSureIfIWillEverShowItOrShareItButItFeelsSomewhatImportantToSayThatItExists

I spent time writing hashtags and blog posts, not being sure if I’ll ever share them but it was really therapeutic for me.

#InMyLastEntryITalkedAboutNotBeingThatBotheredAboutMeetingPeople #ThoughInTheLastWeekIHaveHad3DifferentPeopleTalkToMeAtThePlaygroundWhenBeforeNoOneReallySpokeToMe

I am just so bad at conversations now. A Dad was talking to me the other day and I realised that I had not really spoken more than a few words to a random man in a long time.

#OneWomanAskedIfIWasPlanningOnHavingAnymoreKidsAndAtThatPointIDidNotKnowWhatWasHappeningToMyBodyAndJustSaidYeahIHopeSo #SheSaidSheHadTwoKidsWithAnEightYearGapAndTheyHadGivenUpOnHavingAnotherOneWhenSheGotPregnantWithHerYoungest

It must have been such a ride for her.

#WeWouldLikeTwoKidsButIWouldNotLikeAn8YearGapButIGuessWeHaveToSeeWhatHappens

An 8 year gap would mean me having a kid at 40ish and I do not see that happening.

#ItAlsoFeelsAwkwardTalkingAboutThisAsBeingPregnantWithBIWorriedThatIWouldLoseOutOnOpportunitiesByBeingPregnant #NowThatIAmSayingWeWouldLikeAnotherKidOutLoudItFeelsLikeAgainIMightBeDismissedSomewhatForIt

I am saying I want a kid and if I was pregnant now it would be great. However our bodies don’t just do what we want them to and I do not know when it will happen, so reach out to me with any opportunities you have. I kept making dance videos until the day before I gave birth last time. I’m fine…

#WeStartedSleepTrainingBAsIDidNotWantToBePregnantAndBeingWokenUpAllNight #LastNightWePutHerToBedAt7AndIHadToWakeHerUpAt7WhichIsVeryRare #EvenThoughWeSleptWellICouldHaveSleptForAnother10Hours

The night before she had woken up a few times and I was relieved to see that it was midnight and not 6am as I wanted more sleep.

This morning I woke up and saw it was 6.30am and she was not awake yet.

The more sleep you get the more sleep you want. I’ve been going to bed early – I think I did around 10.30pm last night, but I need to aim more for 10.

Usually B wakes up around 4.30ish, but we don’t get her out of her cot until 6. She may just have been tired from all the zoom calls and trying to crawl yesterday.

#ButYeahIWouldLikeToMeetSomeLocalPeopleButIAmNoGoodInGroupConversationsOnZoom

Unless they are good friends of mine, but even then I feel awkward and think I say too much rubbish.

#ThereIsALocalWalkNextWeekForParentsWhichIsNiceAsTheyHaveBeenCancelledForAWhile

B is always asleep during the zoom calls so I never join them. Arranged walks are nice as I guess we get paired off and then can just chat about life.

#IWasAlsoTryingToProtectMyselfAsIThoughtIWasPregnantAndShouldStayAwayFromPeopleForABit

I was happy though, but yeah I thought it was for the best that I could not mix closely with other people. Nan and Tiago both have had their vaccines so in some way I’m the most vulnerable now, as babies do not really get/react badly to Covid (I think?).

#IAmEnjoyingBsZoomClassesButSheJustSeemsToTryAndEatEverything #WhenItsTimeForKitchenInstrumentsSheJustEatsTheSpatulaAndIfITakeThatAwaySheTriesToEatThePan

She just eats EVERYTHING. It’s cute, but funny. I feel like our screen on zoom is B just hitting me in the head on accident and/or eating everything I give to her or am holding.

#LastNightWeWereLyingOnTheFloorAndIWasReadingHerBooksAndSheLookedOverAtMeInASuperCuteWay #SoILeanedTowardsHerAndThenSheJustStartedToStickHerFingersInMyEyesAndUpMyNose #SheDoesNotKnowWhatSheIsDoingSoIAmGoingToTakeThatAsASignOfHerAffection

I thought we were having a really sweet moment. It was cute. But also a bit painful…


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)
 
#IAmNotAMorningPersonAndMotherhoodIsTryingDesperatelyToTurnMeIntoOne
#BKeepsWakingUpALotAtNightAtTheMoment
#IThinkItIsBecauseOfTeethingButWeTryToSettleHerForAbout30MinutesBeforeWeResortToFeedingHer
#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier
#AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning
#YesterdayIGotACallFromThePostNatalSupportServiceThatMyHealthVisitorReferredMeTo
#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea
#IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4
#WellNowEnglandHasAnotherLockdownAgain
#IDoubtWeWillHaveABabyClassInPersonAnytimeSoonButIThinkItIsForTheBest
#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine
#TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon
#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe
#IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers
#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB
#TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt
#SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe
#SheSaidINeedToStopBeingSoHardOnMyselfAndToStopOverthinkingSoMuch
#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay
#IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse
#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup
#IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats
#WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell
#IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow
#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn
#EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll
#HavingASmallHumanHasJustPutANewLightOnALotOfThingsThatIWantToFixAboutMyself
#FromTheCallIFeelLikeIAmDoingALotOfThingsRightButIJustNeedToPracticeSomeMoreSelfCareAndSelfLove
#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne
#ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

#IAmNotAMorningPersonAndMotherhoodIsTryingDesperatelyToTurnMeIntoOne

I have not done a shoot yet, but I imagine myself looking tired as hell.

(I don’t look too bad actually, but I had been up for a few hours…)

#BKeepsWakingUpALotAtNightAtTheMoment

We need to start the sleep training that we have been on about for ages.

#IThinkItIsBecauseOfTeethingButWeTryToSettleHerForAbout30MinutesBeforeWeResortToFeedingHer

It is really hard to know what to do – maybe she is just hungry? She is eating quite a bit at meals at the moment, but maybe it’s not enough?

(Spoiler for future blog posts: We finally started it – hello night 9 tonight – and it’s been great to sleep. B hasn’t had a night feed since we started. Why did we not do it before? I also do not mind the mornings so much if I have slept well. Hurrah!)

#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier #AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning

Though last night I did put my book down at 10.45pm. I started reading quite late as my brain could not relax.

I’m currently reading Bridget Jones’s Diary as I have never read it before, and it is an easy read.

#YesterdayIGotACallFromThePostNatalSupportServiceThatMyHealthVisitorReferredMeTo

I just remembered that someone is calling me soon again – at the time when B is due to wake up.

#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea #IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4

I was feeling good so I didn’t think that she needed to check on me anyways.

#WellNowEnglandHasAnotherLockdownAgain

Things change fast.

#IDoubtWeWillHaveABabyClassInPersonAnytimeSoonButIThinkItIsForTheBest

Though they are supposed to be allowed to happen as they are support groups, but a lot of the venues are waiting for more clarification.

#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine #TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon

I felt like Nan was going out too much before as she was so bored. Now she is a bit scared, which is sad but I am glad that she seems less keen to go out now – especially as she will hopefully have the vaccine soon.

#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe #IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers

I have lost count of how many of these questionnaires I have done over the years.

#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB #TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt #SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe

I definitely have a lot of guilt these days. Even this morning I felt bad as when I was with B my brain was just thinking in hashtags…

#SheSaidINeedToStopBeingSoHardOnMyselfAndToStopOverthinkingSoMuch

I am an overthinker for sure.

#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay #IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse

I have been saying lately that I am so negative. I ran out of hashtags before I could name two positive things, but I know that we are lucky. Tiago still has a job, we are living in a nice, warm house and B does seem healthy.

#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup #IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats #WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell #IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow

I won’t be talking about the group much in future, except for probably saying how awkward I feel. No I won’t – I’ll be being positive!

It’s a confidential group so yeah what happens in the group stays in the group.

#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn #EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll

I remember going to CBT while doing my Neblina project and the guy said I had low self-esteem. I felt like a fraud with all of my work that I do and I was quite annoyed about it. However, he was right and I still need to work on it a lot.

#HavingASmallHumanHasJustPutANewLightOnALotOfThingsThatIWantToFixAboutMyself

Happy Mum, happy baby.

#FromTheCallIFeelLikeIAmDoingALotOfThingsRightButIJustNeedToPracticeSomeMoreSelfCareAndSelfLove

What happened to the mother of the one month old doing face masks? I need to find her again.

I wish I could have bottled the hormones I had a week after B was born. I felt so high and confident – I could have taken on the world. I really miss that version of me. I feel like that was the real me deep down under the layers of stress, guilt and shame.

#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne #ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

Luckily I didn’t break the law yesterday as I did not feel up to two walks.

Let’s see how long this goes on for… the lockdown that is.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Fifth Family Portrait (2nd January 2021)

Fifth Family Portrait (2nd January 2021)
 
#HappyNewYear
#IFeelLikeEverythingIWasGoingToSayDoesNotMatterNowAsTiagosGrandmotherHasDied
#WeHaveNotSeenHerIn18MonthsAndSheNeverGotToMeetB
#HeSaysItIsAShameThatHeCanNotGoToTheFuneralBecauseOfTheVirus
#InPortugalTheFuneralsAreUsuallyTheNextDaySoHeSaysHeWillJustGoToTheCemeteryWhenWeFinallyManageToGetToTheIslandAgain
#WeFinallyAppliedForBsPassportTheOtherDay
#WeDidNotBotherRushingDueToCovidButHopefullySoonWeMightBeAbleToVisitTiagosFamily
#BIsJustSleepingOnTheFloorWithHerSnowsuitOpenAsSheFellAsleepOnAWalk
#InMyLastEntryISaidThatIWasFeelingReallyGood
#TheNextDayIJustFeltSuperTerrible
#WeAreNowPlanningToMoveOutAsWeThinkItWillBeBetterForAllOfUsToHaveOurOwnSpace
#EspeciallyAsWeThinkWeWillBeInBirminghamLongerThanWeInitiallyThoughtWeMight
#IKnowWeAreLuckyAndINeedToBeMoreGrateful
#SometimesItSeemsEasierToBeMoreNegativeAboutThings
#SocialMediaSeemsToExistForShowingOffThoughIFindItAwkward
#ThoughTheOtherDayIPostedMyTopNineToInstagramAndIRealiseThatItComesAcrossAsABitBraggy
#IFeelLikeIShouldHavePutAFootnoteAboutAllTheTimesIFeltRubbish
#ButThisProjectIsEnoughOfAWhinefest
#IAmGratefulToBeAMotherAndItIsGood
#ButSometimesIDoFeelOverwhelmedAndStressedByItAll
#WorryingAboutIfIAmGoodEnoughToRaiseASmallHumanToBeAGreatBigHuman
#StressingThatSheIsNotGettingEnoughToEat
#FrettingThatIAmGivingHerTooLittleOrTooMuchParacetamol
#ToBeFairIDoNotGiveItHerThatOftenSoItIsProbablyMoreTheTooLittleCategory
#IThinkInPersonBabyClassesAreSuspendedForNowUntilTheGovernmentReviewsThem
#IAmNotIntoOnlineBabyClassesAsSeeingAndTalkingToPeopleInRealLifeIsTheBestThingAboutThem
#ObviouslyItIsGoodToKnowThatBIsGettingSomeGoodPlaytimeThatWillHelpWithDevelopment
#IJustWantHerToTurnOutOkayAndWell
#IHopeThatSheBecomesMoreLikeTiagoThanMe
#ISpentABigChunkOfYesterdayAnnoyedThatIAmNoLongerAnEUCitizenThoughAtLeastTiagoAndBAre

#HappyNewYear

It’s been a weird one so far.

#IFeelLikeEverythingIWasGoingToSayDoesNotMatterNowAsTiagosGrandmotherHasDied #WeHaveNotSeenHerIn18MonthsAndSheNeverGotToMeetB #HeSaysItIsAShameThatHeCanNotGoToTheFuneralBecauseOfTheVirus #InPortugalTheFuneralsAreUsuallyTheNextDaySoHeSaysHeWillJustGoToTheCemeteryWhenWeFinallyManageToGetToTheIslandAgain

🙁

When his Grandfather died he got told on a Friday evening, and Saturday morning he had to get 3 flights (it’s usually 2) to make it the funeral on time. Luckily he just made it.

#WeFinallyAppliedForBsPassportTheOtherDay #WeDidNotBotherRushingDueToCovidButHopefullySoonWeMightBeAbleToVisitTiagosFamily

I knew we wouldn’t be going anywhere for a while so there didn’t seem any point in having lots of unused time on it, but we are hoping to be able to travel at somepoint this year.

#BIsJustSleepingOnTheFloorWithHerSnowsuitOpenAsSheFellAsleepOnAWalk

I was hoping to get home before she got too sleepy. Nope.

#InMyLastEntryISaidThatIWasFeelingReallyGood

I felt weirdly good.

#TheNextDayIJustFeltSuperTerrible

My period came, so I think it was related to that.

#WeAreNowPlanningToMoveOutAsWeThinkItWillBeBetterForAllOfUsToHaveOurOwnSpace #EspeciallyAsWeThinkWeWillBeInBirminghamLongerThanWeInitiallyThoughtWeMight

I feel excited about looking for somewhere; it’s a nice distraction as always. I’m hoping to finish my coding course tonight or tomorrow, so I’ll have more time to look at other things.

#IKnowWeAreLuckyAndINeedToBeMoreGrateful

We are really lucky. Especially during this pandemic, as we have yet to be really affected by it. Obviously things are not how we want them to be, but it is what it is.

#SometimesItSeemsEasierToBeMoreNegativeAboutThings

Is this a British thing? It’s probably more just a me thing.

#SocialMediaSeemsToExistForShowingOffThoughIFindItAwkward #ThoughTheOtherDayIPostedMyTopNineToInstagramAndIRealiseThatItComesAcrossAsABitBraggy

I talked about the main things that were shown (me being pregnant and having a solo show), then I just seemed to throw a few more things in.

2020 was a big change for me, but some good things did happen.

#IFeelLikeIShouldHavePutAFootnoteAboutAllTheTimesIFeltRubbish #ButThisProjectIsEnoughOfAWhinefest

I think people who know me know that I am honest about a lot of things.

#IAmGratefulToBeAMotherAndItIsGood #ButSometimesIDoFeelOverwhelmedAndStressedByItAll #WorryingAboutIfIAmGoodEnoughToRaiseASmallHumanToBeAGreatBigHuman #StressingThatSheIsNotGettingEnoughToEat #FrettingThatIAmGivingHerTooLittleOrTooMuchParacetamol #ToBeFairIDoNotGiveItHerThatOftenSoItIsProbablyMoreTheTooLittleCategory

Basically I’m winging it from day to day. She is growing and she does giggle sometimes, so I must be getting something right?

#IThinkInPersonBabyClassesAreSuspendedForNowUntilTheGovernmentReviewsThem #IAmNotIntoOnlineBabyClassesAsSeeingAndTalkingToPeopleInRealLifeIsTheBestThingAboutThem #ObviouslyItIsGoodToKnowThatBIsGettingSomeGoodPlaytimeThatWillHelpWithDevelopment

It is what it is – we’ll go to a real life class again when we can.

#IJustWantHerToTurnOutOkayAndWell #IHopeThatSheBecomesMoreLikeTiagoThanMe

I need to work on myself as much as I can. I have a call with a mental health service next week and they said they’ll see what ‘tools’ might help me the best.

#ISpentABigChunkOfYesterdayAnnoyedThatIAmNoLongerAnEUCitizenThoughAtLeastTiagoAndBAre

I’ll never get over Brexit.

I realised that I am the only member of Tiago’s family who isn’t an EU citizen now… Great.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Have Started To Balance Things On My Head For B’s Amusement (30th December 2020)

I Have Started To Balance Things On My Head For B’s Amusement (30th December 2020)
 
#ItIs9InTheMorningAndBIsHavingANap
#WeMadeAnEffortToStartTheDayAt7TodayThoughYesterdayItWasMoreLike5
#IFeelLikeBJustHadAReallyFunHourAndIWishICouldBeThatHighEnergyAllDayWithHer
#LotsOfSingingSongsAndLiftingHerIntoTheAirAndReadingBooksEtc
#TheOtherDayIHadARagingHeadacheAndStillManagedToPretendToBeAHorseWhileSingingTheWilliamTellOverture
#WeBounceHerUpAndDownWhileWeSingItButWeGetExtraGigglesIfOneOfUsIsAHorseToo
#IAlsoLoveHowILookForwardToHavingMeTimeButThenISpendSomeOfItLookingAtPicturesAndVideosOfHer
#SheHasBeenABitGrumpyTheLastFewDaysBecauseOfTeething
#WeWentToMyParentsHouseTheOtherDayForTheFirstTimeInMonths
#WeAreAllowedToBeInASupportBubbleWithThemAsBIsUnder1
#BWasCryingAsSheDidNotRecogniseMyDadAndWasEvenBeingFunnyWithMyMumEvenThoughSheSeesHerAFewTimesAWeek
#IHopeTheTeethingStopsForABitSoonAsIFeelBadForB
#INeedToStopMakingHerNewFoodAndUseWhatWeHaveInTheFreezer
#ISuddenlyRealisedYesterdayThatSoonSheWillBe7MonthsAndCanStartEatingOtherThings
#AndWeHaveAFreezerFullOfHomemadeBabyFoodAndNoSpareTubsForNewStuff
#IThinkIAmGivingHerTooMuchPorridgeInTheMorningAsSheDoesNotLikeToEatMuchForLunch
#ButSheGenerallyAlwaysEatsHerPorridgeSoIUsuallyMakeABatchWhichIsEnoughFor3Days
#YesterdayIMadeSomeCourgetteSpringOnionRiceWithCheese
#SheDidNotSeemImpressedByItButIEnjoyedEatingSome
#TodaySheMightEatItAllSoYouNeverKnowThoughIWillTryGivingItToHerForDinnerRatherThanLunch
#InOtherNewsIHaveCompletedMyKegelsApp
#WellItIsNotCompletedAsKegelsAreForLifeNotJustUntilYouReachTheHardestLevel
#TheyAreSoTimeConsumingNowAndIProbablyDoNotDoThemThatWellButIGuessSomeIsBetterThanNone
#INeedToGoOnATrampolineAndSeeHowEffectiveTheyReallyAre
#IAlsoNeedToStopTalkingSoMuchRubbishToPeople
#IJustGetVerbalDiarrhoeaAndAfterwardsICringeAtAllOfTheThingsThatIHaveSaid
#IHaveSaidItBeforeButIThinkThisPandemicHasImpactedMySocialSkills
#ObviouslyWorseThingsHaveHappenedToALotOfPeopleButItIsAWeirdSideEffect
#ThoughReallyIThinkMySocialSkillsHaveAlwaysBeenBadAndIAmJustMoreAwareOfThingsAtTheMoment
#ItHasSnowedTheLastCoupleOfDaysAndBSeemsALittleIntriguedByItButObviouslyICanNotFindOutWhatSheReallyThinksAboutItAll

(The photo is of me stacking B’s cups on my head – thanks to my sister for sending these! B was actually having a nap when I did this, so she wasn’t harmed by my failed attempts. She didn’t even wake up at the sound of them all falling! I usually put just one on my head to amuse her…)

This post is fuelled by Nights On Broadway by the Bee Gees. I’m writing this on 30th December 2020 – and I can not believe that this year is nearly over. Do I think 2021 will be much different? Hmm…

#ItIs9InTheMorningAndBIsHavingANap #WeMadeAnEffortToStartTheDayAt7TodayThoughYesterdayItWasMoreLike5

I need to wake her up in about 20 minutes, so I need to write quick.

#IFeelLikeBJustHadAReallyFunHourAndIWishICouldBeThatHighEnergyAllDayWithHer #LotsOfSingingSongsAndLiftingHerIntoTheAirAndReadingBooksEtc

In the morning I can not be bothered to leave our bedroom, so I usually get B’s milk (which I do have to leave the room for) and Tiago feeds her while I do yoga. Then he goes off to shower and start work, while I entertain B until naptime.

I think there are less distractions in our room (well there is no TV), so it’s generally better quality time. We didn’t have a TV in Liverpool and my Nan is usually watching it – I should really move B’s stuff away from the TV.

#TheOtherDayIHadARagingHeadacheAndStillManagedToPretendToBeAHorseWhileSingingTheWilliamTellOverture #WeBounceHerUpAndDownWhileWeSingItButWeGetExtraGigglesIfOneOfUsIsAHorseToo

I just randomly started to do it one day and she laughed. Anything that makes her laugh is a winner obviously. She was so grumpy from teething that I wanted to cheer her up, so I didn’t care that my head was pounding.

#IAlsoLoveHowILookForwardToHavingMeTimeButThenISpendSomeOfItLookingAtPicturesAndVideosOfHer

We made some videos the other day of B giggling from T just putting his finger in his mouth and then suddenly pointing the same finger (yeah, really non-exciting stuff but B loves it). I can hear Tiago watching them all the time…

#SheHasBeenABitGrumpyTheLastFewDaysBecauseOfTeething

🙁

#WeWentToMyParentsHouseTheOtherDayForTheFirstTimeInMonths #WeAreAllowedToBeInASupportBubbleWithThemAsBIsUnder1 #BWasCryingAsSheDidNotRecogniseMyDadAndWasEvenBeingFunnyWithMyMumEvenThoughSheSeesHerAFewTimesAWeek

My Mum usually comes to us as she does some chores for my Nan. I think B was just a bit weirded out by being in a new place and maybe she didn’t recognise my Mum in a different place? She’s seen my Dad once before since we moved, but that was at my Nan’s house (where we live) and so she was okay with it. Babies are weird…

#IHopeTheTeethingStopsForABitSoonAsIFeelBadForB

Things would be so much easier if she could communicate.

#INeedToStopMakingHerNewFoodAndUseWhatWeHaveInTheFreezer #ISuddenlyRealisedYesterdayThatSoonSheWillBe7MonthsAndCanStartEatingOtherThings #AndWeHaveAFreezerFullOfHomemadeBabyFoodAndNoSpareTubsForNewStuff

We also have quite a few 4-6 months pouches. I guess I can just add other things to them if we don’t get through it all.

#IThinkIAmGivingHerTooMuchPorridgeInTheMorningAsSheDoesNotLikeToEatMuchForLunch #ButSheGenerallyAlwaysEatsHerPorridgeSoIUsuallyMakeABatchWhichIsEnoughFor3Days

I find it filling and I don’t know how she eats as much as she does. No wonder she doesn’t eat much lunch.

#YesterdayIMadeSomeCourgetteSpringOnionRiceWithCheese #SheDidNotSeemImpressedByItButIEnjoyedEatingSome

Soon we should start just giving her a bit of our dinners, but I worry that she might not get as much variety. I do really need to sit down and do a meal plan. At the moment we’ve been getting those recipe boxes a bit – they’re good, but sometimes it can feel quite overwhelming to finish everything.

#TodaySheMightEatItAllSoYouNeverKnowThoughIWillTryGivingItToHerForDinnerRatherThanLunch

There’s a butternut squash dish that I make for her. The first time she loved it, the second time she didn’t, and the third time she loved it. I also need to stop giving her new dishes when I am in a rush to go out – we were going out for a walk to meet a Mum and her baby.

#InOtherNewsIHaveCompletedMyKegelsApp

I did not even know it was possible.

#WellItIsNotCompletedAsKegelsAreForLifeNotJustUntilYouReachTheHardestLevel

Yes.

#TheyAreSoTimeConsumingNowAndIProbablyDoNotDoThemThatWellButIGuessSomeIsBetterThanNone #INeedToGoOnATrampolineAndSeeHowEffectiveTheyReallyAre

The app is really good – Kegel Exercises – with daily reminders and I feel guilty if I do not do them. I still remember a midwife on the ward telling us all to do them, otherwise we’ll regret it when we’re older.

#IAlsoNeedToStopTalkingSoMuchRubbishToPeople

And perhaps in these hashtags.

#IJustGetVerbalDiarrhoeaAndAfterwardsICringeAtAllOfTheThingsThatIHaveSaid

There are many conversations that I have had with people from baby classes which I wish I could start over.

#IHaveSaidItBeforeButIThinkThisPandemicHasImpactedMySocialSkills #ObviouslyWorseThingsHaveHappenedToALotOfPeopleButItIsAWeirdSideEffect

I just have flashbacks to things I have said and cringe, all the time.

#ThoughReallyIThinkMySocialSkillsHaveAlwaysBeenBadAndIAmJustMoreAwareOfThingsAtTheMoment

Yeah, my people skills have always been rubbish, but they seem to be getting worse.

I am also guilty of being quite hard on myself. Maybe people think the same about what they have said to me, but I rarely think ‘oh, why did they say that?’ or something along those lines.

#ItHasSnowedTheLastCoupleOfDaysAndBSeemsALittleIntriguedByItButObviouslyICanNotFindOutWhatSheReallyThinksAboutItAll

I have said it 100 times, but what is B thinking? I would love to know.

(Cue that Think About Things song by Daði Freyr.)


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