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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B Using A Balloon As A Pillow (19th May 2021)

Imitating B Using A Balloon As A Pillow (19th May 2021)
 
#IHaveOnlySeenHerDoThisOnceButSheIsStartingToRestHerHeadOnThings
#TheFloorACushionMyLapThisBalloon
#HerPersonalitySeemsToBeDevelopingMoreEveryday
#SheIsSuddenlyTakingMoreOfAnInterestInDogsWhichMakesOurWalksMoreInteresting
#TheOtherDayWeMetUpWithAFriendForAPicnicAndADogKeptStealingTheirFood
#YesterdayIReadAnArticleAboutPeoplesHighsAndLowsOfHavingALockdownBaby
#ItReallyMadeMeFeelQuiteDownButIThinkNotHavingSleptMuchDidNotHelpEither
#IHaveStartedToStayUpTooLateAtNightButOftenICanNotSleep
#BGoesToBedAndIAmTiredButThenISuddenlyWakeUpAndWantMoreOfMyOwnTime
#IHaveJustBeenWastingMyTimeWatchingYoutubeVideosAndThings
#IAmFindingItHardToWriteTheseHashtagsTodayAndIThinkItIsBecauseIAmTired
#BWokeUpAtFiveFortyThisMorningButIPutTheHeatingOnInHerRoomAndWeThenHadToWakeHerUpAtSeven
#MyNansHouseIsUsuallyQuiteHotSoIThinkBIsQuiteUsedToTheHeatNow
#IWonderHowSheWillDealWithBeingOnHolidayInAMuchCoolerHouse
#IWouldRatherJustBeHavingANapRightNowButIFeelBadIfIDoNotDoThisProject
#IDoDebateHavingSomeTimeOffMyWorkButTheFeelingPassesAndIGetOnWithItAllAgain
#ITookBToSoftPlayTheOtherDayAndItWasNotAsGreatAsIHopedItWouldBe
#TheYoungKidsSectionWasABitSadAndPeopleGraduallyStoppedWearingTheirMasksWhichPissedMeOff
#IThinkABigPartOfItIsDownToWhoIsThereAtTheSameTimeAsYou
#EveryoneElseSeemedToBeThereWithSomeoneElseAndINeedToStopBeingAwkwardAboutTalkingToPeople
#ITookBOnTheSlideACoupleOfTimesThoughIThinkIFoundItMoreFunThanHer
#IWillProbablyEndUpTakingHerThereAgainSoonJustAsThereIsNotMuchElseAroundHereToDo
#IAmHopingToTryOutANewPlaygroupWithHer
#DueToThePandemicYouHaveToPrebookEverythingWhichIsNotGreatForSpontaneousPlans
#SomeGoodNewsIsThatTiagosPassportHasArrivedSoThatIsOneLessThingToWorryAbout
#ICutHisHairForTheThirdTimeTheOtherDayAndNowHisPassportPictureLooksNothingLikeHim
#HeShavedTooAndNowHeJustLooksLikeBsOlderBrother
#IAmTryingToGetBackIntoExercisingThoughIGenerallyDoSpeedUpMyStretchingVideos
#ToBeFairIHaveDoneThemAllSoManyTimesThatIDoNotNeedToHearTheLongExplanations
#IAmSoOverFeedingBNowThatITurnHerPorridgeIntoPancakes

#IHaveOnlySeenHerDoThisOnceButSheIsStartingToRestHerHeadOnThings

It is quite cute, though when I took her to soft play the other day she was just lying with her head on the floor and I felt like a few people were judging me as she looked like she was having a tantrum or something.

#TheFloorACushionMyLapThisBalloon

We have a lot of cushions around the living room to protect her from furniture and she will just chill on them a bit now.

#HerPersonalitySeemsToBeDevelopingMoreEveryday

I love when she laughs at things.

#SheIsSuddenlyTakingMoreOfAnInterestInDogsWhichMakesOurWalksMoreInteresting

There are a group of people who have been gathering on an area of grass with their dogs for months who I call ‘the dog club’ (very original), and now B likes to look at them all. I’m trying to get more comfortable with us stopping and looking at them, without feeling like a big weirdo.

#TheOtherDayWeMetUpWithAFriendForAPicnicAndADogKeptStealingTheirFood

Well B was stealing her friend’s food, and the dog was stealing food from both of them. The owners really didn’t seem that bothered. Thanks.

#YesterdayIReadAnArticleAboutPeoplesHighsAndLowsOfHavingALockdownBaby #ItReallyMadeMeFeelQuiteDownButIThinkNotHavingSleptMuchDidNotHelpEither

The article was on The Guardian. I was feeling alright and then after reading that I just felt rubbish. I really hope that B gets to meet T’s parents this summer… I had a long nap when B napped and I felt better.

#IHaveStartedToStayUpTooLateAtNightButOftenICanNotSleep

Last week I was not falling asleep for over an hour, so now I just stay up an hour later and then don’t fall asleep for another hour.

#BGoesToBedAndIAmTiredButThenISuddenlyWakeUpAndWantMoreOfMyOwnTime

It’s either go to bed early and feel alright in the morning, or stay up and feel good about having some time to myself and then feel grim in the morning. I do not like feeling tired, so I just need to suck it up and go to bed earlier.

#IHaveJustBeenWastingMyTimeWatchingYoutubeVideosAndThings

Watching highlights from comedy gameshows and watching RuPaul’s Drag Race Down Under.

#IAmFindingItHardToWriteTheseHashtagsTodayAndIThinkItIsBecauseIAmTired

I feel so groggy, though I was feeling fine at 7 this morning.

#BWokeUpAtFiveFortyThisMorningButIPutTheHeatingOnInHerRoomAndWeThenHadToWakeHerUpAtSeven

Great. Yesterday she was awake at 5.30am and then didn’t go back to sleep, but then she had a long nap and so did I.

#MyNansHouseIsUsuallyQuiteHotSoIThinkBIsQuiteUsedToTheHeatNow

And as a result she likes her room to be quite warm. Downstairs is always hot, but upstairs isn’t.

#IWonderHowSheWillDealWithBeingOnHolidayInAMuchCoolerHouse

It’ll be fine. I’ll be more relaxed then hopefully as Tiago will be off and it’ll be lovely to spend some more time together as a family and with family.

#IWouldRatherJustBeHavingANapRightNowButIFeelBadIfIDoNotDoThisProject

Story of the last year of my life.

#IDoDebateHavingSomeTimeOffMyWorkButTheFeelingPassesAndIGetOnWithItAllAgain

Last week I was ready to stop posting on social media for a while and just keep making this project but with shortened hashtags. It’s part of the fun of being an artist right?

#ITookBToSoftPlayTheOtherDayAndItWasNotAsGreatAsIHopedItWouldBe

Le sigh. I was really hoping it would be the place that would save me from myself.

#TheYoungKidsSectionWasABitSadAndPeopleGraduallyStoppedWearingTheirMasksWhichPissedMeOff

Well maybe it wasn’t that sad, but for someone B’s age it was sad – the cooler stuff was too old for B.

When you go in someone says wear masks at all times unless you are sat down eating. I saw a guy with a mask not covering his nose walking around and then later he wasn’t even wearing it. I was sat in the young kids’ area close to a woman (it’s a small area) not wearing a mask and coughing.

#IThinkABigPartOfItIsDownToWhoIsThereAtTheSameTimeAsYou

People who put up with wearing a mask and those who don’t?

#EveryoneElseSeemedToBeThereWithSomeoneElseAndINeedToStopBeingAwkwardAboutTalkingToPeople

Basically I wanted to talk to people, but no one needed to talk to me. That’s fair enough.

#ITookBOnTheSlideACoupleOfTimesThoughIThinkIFoundItMoreFunThanHer

I saw other adults climbing up (I don’t know the rules of soft play alright) so I took her on that a few times. She was more interested in holding onto the netting at the side though.

#IWillProbablyEndUpTakingHerThereAgainSoonJustAsThereIsNotMuchElseAroundHereToDo

I’ll give it another go and see how it is.

(12th July: We’re still yet to go again. I’ve been put off it.)

#IAmHopingToTryOutANewPlaygroupWithHer

It’s when my Mum usually visits, but it might be where I meet some likeminded local people so I need to give it a go. We do know a few people now, but generally everyone is back at work and only has Friday off, and then they have plans with other people as they have lives and know other people.

#DueToThePandemicYouHaveToPrebookEverythingWhichIsNotGreatForSpontaneousPlans

I debated not booking the playgroup until the day, but I know that there will probably be no spaces on the day.

#SomeGoodNewsIsThatTiagosPassportHasArrivedSoThatIsOneLessThingToWorryAbout

Hurrah. It said 10 weeks, but I think it’s been 4? Not sure but it was definitely quick. B’s came a lot quicker than they said it would. I guess it’s so you don’t leave your application until the last minute.

Am I jealous of everyone on the news in Portugal already? Yes.

#ICutHisHairForTheThirdTimeTheOtherDayAndNowHisPassportPictureLooksNothingLikeHim

I think it was an alright cut.

#HeShavedTooAndNowHeJustLooksLikeBsOlderBrother

He commented on how young he looked first.

#IAmTryingToGetBackIntoExercisingThoughIGenerallyDoSpeedUpMyStretchingVideos

I am so lazy these days.

#ToBeFairIHaveDoneThemAllSoManyTimesThatIDoNotNeedToHearTheLongExplanations

I should have done this before. I had loads of YouTube comedy videos lined up but I knew I had to go to bed soon so I started to watch them faster. I’ve had to skip through RuPaul as there is no option on iPlayer to play them faster (shame – the feature is great on Netflix) as I need to go to bed, but I want to see what happens.

(12th July: I now use a plugin called ‘Video Speed Controller’. It’s great, and I can speed things up faster than Netflix allows.)

#IAmSoOverFeedingBNowThatITurnHerPorridgeIntoPancakes

A random ending but yes. I made her some porridge bars the other day, but they only feed her for two days and the porridge is healthier (it has butternut squash in it). I just add some flour (I used buckwheat the other day) and fry them. I made her a batch today, so I’ll do the porridge pancakes again for the next 4 days. To be fair they come more like porridge pancake blobs, but that’s fine.

(12th July: We no longer add the flour. We just fry the mix.)

Time to do a shoot and then get B up, if she doesn’t wake up before I finish.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B Standing Up In Her Cot (17th April 2021)

Imitating B Standing Up In Her Cot (17th April 2021)
 
#ThisSeemsToBeANewSkillThatBHasDevelopedInTheLastFewDays
#ThisMorningTiagoWentToGetHerAndSaidThatSheWasStandingUpInIt
#AtTimesSheGripsSoTightToTheFrameThatHerHandsLoseTheirColour
#IAmSoRelievedThatItIsTheWeekend
#TheWeekdaysJustSeemToDragSoMuchAndByThursdayIAmUsuallyNotFeelingSoGreat
#IWasGladWeGoToGoToAClassThisWeekButThenIJustFeltRubbishAfterwards
#ItWasSoNiceToSitInARoomWithPeopleAndBabiesAndToInteract
#SoEverydaySinceHasJustFeltCrummyAsIWantTheSameExperienceEveryWeekday
#NextWeekWeHaveAFewMoreThingsInOurDiarySoHopefullyItWillBeNicer
#SomeDaysITakeBOutTwiceADayJustToTryToHaveSomeKindOfInteractionWithSomeone
#ItSoundsDumbAsObviouslyWeLiveWithMyNanAndTiagoButSometimesTiagoIsOutOrIDoNotWantToBotherHim
#AlsoAFewMinutesIsNotTheSameAsHangingOutWithSomeoneForAPeriodOfTime
#IFeelBadAsIFeelLonelyWhenISpendAllDayWithB
#SheIsGoodCompanyButItIsNotTheSameAsHavingConversationsWithPeople
#IWorrySheWillReadThisWhenSheIsOlderAndFeelBad
#BILoveYouButThisPandemicHasBeenToughAndThingsAreNotHowIThoughtTheyWouldBe
#IFeelLikePeopleCanSmellTheDesperationOnMeAndAgainMySocialSkillsAreRubbish
#ICanNotBeTheOnlyOneInTheAreaThatFeelsLikeThisThough
#IWouldSignBUpForAClassEverydayButALotClashWithBsNaps
#ICouldTryToRearrangeHerDayButItFeelsLikeABitTooMuch
#EspeciallyAsIDoLikeTheScheduleWeHaveAndIAmUsedToIt
#SoIProbablyShouldNotWhineThenButIAmABitStuckInMyWays
#AtSomePointSheWillGoDownToOneNapADayAndThenThatWillChangeTheDayALot
#ThoughForNowINeedHerToHaveHerTwoNapsSoICanGetThingsDone
#YesterdayIWasSoTiredThatIJustGotIntoBedAndReadAndNappedDuringThem
#MyBodyGetsToAPointWhereItIsSoTiredThatIJustNeedToRestAndRecover
#IThinkTheTirednessIsOftenCausedByMyMentalStateButIfThereIsNothingPressingToDoThenARestIsFine
#AnywaysINeedToStopWhiningAndTryToBeProactiveToMakeTheWeekdaysBetter
#IStillDreadMealtimesABitThoughSheIsEatingWellTheseDays
#HopefullyWithBetterWeatherOnTheWayWeCanJustSitOutsideMoreAndThatWillBeEnoughOfAChangeToMakeTheDaysPassBetter
 

#ThisSeemsToBeANewSkillThatBHasDevelopedInTheLastFewDays

I just walked into her room one day and was surprised to see her doing it. It might have been yesterday, it might have been 2 days ago. I can’t remember, but I do remember thinking yesterday that I should imitate it.

#ThisMorningTiagoWentToGetHerAndSaidThatSheWasStandingUpInIt

So it was the first time he’d seen it.

#AtTimesSheGripsSoTightToTheFrameThatHerHandsLoseTheirColour

Her fingers go white with tiny bits of red.

#IAmSoRelievedThatItIsTheWeekend

It’s been a couple of hours since I wrote these hashtags and I already feel much better – I finished a yoga session (I stopped as I felt in the mood to write these hashtags), I did a shoot, I did 4 dance videos, I edited the dance videos, had breakfast, had a quick shower and now I’m writing these at 10.10am.

(17th May – And then I was super tired. I think I often try to do too much on Saturday mornings when Tiago is around to look after B, and I pay for it later. This Saturday I had to have a long nap in the afternoon.)

#TheWeekdaysJustSeemToDragSoMuchAndByThursdayIAmUsuallyNotFeelingSoGreat

This project is all about trying to be as honest as possible about my motherhood journey. I feel like I’m honest but not as honest as I could be. I am not looking for pity or sympathy or whatever, I just want to say how I am finding things.

#IWasGladWeGoToGoToAClassThisWeekButThenIJustFeltRubbishAfterwards

Some normality (whatever that means) and then back to how it’s been for months.

#ItWasSoNiceToSitInARoomWithPeopleAndBabiesAndToInteract

Like I said in my last post, it was so nice to see B smiling at everyone. Yesterday my Uncles surprised us with a visit and B was crying at them, so I think she doesn’t like people suddenly turning up on her home turf. Well, they were already in the garden but she’d just got up from a nap.

#SoEverydaySinceHasJustFeltCrummyAsIWantTheSameExperienceEveryWeekday

I’ve been looking forward to going to a class for so long, but then yeah the rest of the week just felt like going back to old times.

#NextWeekWeHaveAFewMoreThingsInOurDiarySoHopefullyItWillBeNicer

Our diary is a bit busier next week, so fingers crossed.

#SomeDaysITakeBOutTwiceADayJustToTryToHaveSomeKindOfInteractionWithSomeone

Take B to the swings. See if there is anyone to talk to. And repeat. The other day some small kids were talking to us.

One asked why she did not have shoes.

Me: Because she doesn’t need them yet as she can’t walk. She does have two pairs of socks on though.

Her: Two pairs of socks? That’s a bit greedy!

I told Tiago and he said ‘how do young kids have such a good sense of humour already?’

#ItSoundsDumbAsObviouslyWeLiveWithMyNanAndTiagoButSometimesTiagoIsOutOrIDoNotWantToBotherHim

I can feel quite alone during the weekdays. It’s nice to live with my Nan and we’re grateful to her for letting us live with her, but I do not always see her much in the day either.

#AlsoAFewMinutesIsNotTheSameAsHangingOutWithSomeoneForAPeriodOfTime

I feel bad for bothering Tiago so I try to just wait until he comes out of his ‘office’. His lunch never feels long enough.

#IFeelBadAsIFeelLonelyWhenISpendAllDayWithB

This feels a bit sh*tty to say.

#SheIsGoodCompanyButItIsNotTheSameAsHavingConversationsWithPeople

If she could talk it would be so much different. I still feel like I do not talk to her enough. I wish she could talk. She does babble a lot more now, but it’s not proper conversation.

#IWorrySheWillReadThisWhenSheIsOlderAndFeelBad

I do worry what she will think about all of this when she is older.

#BILoveYouButThisPandemicHasBeenToughAndThingsAreNotHowIThoughtTheyWouldBe

I do love you B. I’m so glad that you exist, but it’s been tough.

And I feel like people read this and think like I act like I’m the only person who has found the pandemic/lockdowns tough. Of course I know I’m not the only one. I think everyone has found it tough in one way or another. This is just my diary of sorts and so I say what I feel.

#IFeelLikePeopleCanSmellTheDesperationOnMeAndAgainMySocialSkillsAreRubbish

I was reading something the other day about just act like you’re the popular kid. If you act like the awkward, anxious person you are then it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. I’d feel like a fake trying to be the popular kid, but I just need to be me and stop caring so much.

#ICanNotBeTheOnlyOneInTheAreaThatFeelsLikeThisThough

I think I said that I posted in our local group about wanting to meet more people. The problem is most people are free to meet up at the weekend, which is fine, but I want more weekday friends. Weekdays are the problem!

#IWouldSignBUpForAClassEverydayButALotClashWithBsNaps

I look most days to see if there are any new ones. I’m going to try out an outdoor exercise class next week if the weather is good, as T can put B to bed and I can still have some time afterwards to do anything that I need to do. I think it will be good for me.

#ICouldTryToRearrangeHerDayButItFeelsLikeABitTooMuch

She is generally getting up around 6.45am now. I don’t want to get her up earlier in able to go to classes. Nah. If she was waking up at 6am every morning still then fair enough, I’d adapt her schedule for classes.

#EspeciallyAsIDoLikeTheScheduleWeHaveAndIAmUsedToIt

It seems to serve us well, except for classes that she naps through.

#SoIProbablyShouldNotWhineThenButIAmABitStuckInMyWays

If you understand then you understand, if you don’t then I don’t know.

#AtSomePointSheWillGoDownToOneNapADayAndThenThatWillChangeTheDayALot

I am hoping that isn’t for a few more months at least.

#ThoughForNowINeedHerToHaveHerTwoNapsSoICanGetThingsDone

Nap in the morning to try to get stuff done, nap in the afternoon to get minor stuff done or have a nap if there is nothing urgent to do. Or if her first nap is rubbish like yesterday, then we just deal with it and try to get more stuff done in the second nap.

#YesterdayIWasSoTiredThatIJustGotIntoBedAndReadAndNappedDuringThem

I haven’t been reading much lately, so I’m trying to get back into it.

I finished reading Life Below Stairs: True Lives of Edwardian Servants by Alison Maloney. It was a short read, but it still took me ages.

Then I started to read The Magician’s Nephew by C.S. Lewis last night. I need an escape of sorts, and I’ve never read all the Narnia books. I know they’re not really for adults, but why not. I’ve just seen that this was published 6th, but my library says it is the first in the series. I was wondering why I had never heard of it before. Oh well.

#MyBodyGetsToAPointWhereItIsSoTiredThatIJustNeedToRestAndRecover

I used to get this before having a baby, so with a 10 month old that I look after all week no wonder I’m due for a period of this.

#IThinkTheTirednessIsOftenCausedByMyMentalStateButIfThereIsNothingPressingToDoThenARestIsFine

I need to look after myself.

Someone just slammed a door downstairs and B seems to have woken up. Great. I’m ready for a nap… I wanted to just lie in bed and rest more this morning but I thought I should get up and start doing my work. I feel less guilty for doing work on weekend mornings as I think that Tiago does not like to start his weekends with work.

#AnywaysINeedToStopWhiningAndTryToBeProactiveToMakeTheWeekdaysBetter

Try to go to more classes/hang out in the park. Try to meet people no matter how awkward it is. Go to a class by myself. Be more positive. Be grateful that I have a small human to look after.

#IStillDreadMealtimesABitThoughSheIsEatingWellTheseDays

I am trying to encourage her to feed herself more these days. It seems to be working.

#HopefullyWithBetterWeatherOnTheWayWeCanJustSitOutsideMoreAndThatWillBeEnoughOfAChangeToMakeTheDaysPassBetter

I say this every post but fingers crossed.

B has gone back to sleep. Phew. I would have a lie down now, but our bedsheets are in the wash so I’m just going to try to do a few more things – post dance videos, edit/backup the shoot, and look at some work work that I need to do.


Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!