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Pregnancy

Looking Back On Being Pregnant During A Pandemic

I probably should have wrote this a bit closer to the one year anniversary of the UK’s first lockdown (23rd March), but I guess nearly 3 weeks after isn’t so bad.

I had planned for this blog post to reflect on pregnancy and early motherhood during a pandemic, but it took me long enough to just talk about my pregnancy so expect the motherhood bit at a later date.

I’m a bit bored of sounding like a massive whiner, but this year has been tough and I know it’s been tough for everyone in different ways.

Going back to what feels like a lifetime ago – I found out I was pregnant in October 2019 and knew I wanted to document it since I’ve been making self-portraiture projects since 2010. Sometimes titles for projects take a long time to appear, but other times they are easy, and Waiting For Things In A Time When You Rarely Wait For Things arrived with little stress.

I thought it was smart and funny.

‘Well, it’s 2020 and you can order things via the little gadget in your hand and it will arrive the next morning. We can watch a whole series in one go and not have to spend a week wondering what will happen next (okay for some shows you do have to, but I didn’t have a TV so I wasn’t really watching programmes like that). And now I have to wait for 9ish months for this baby to appear.’

I thought that pregnancy was something that happened to other people and not me, so I was really intrigued to see my body changing and experience someone – who would look like me and my husband – growing inside me.

If I talked about the whole of my pregnancy then we would be here for a long time, so let’s skip to not long before the UK had it’s first lockdown.

Earlier in my project (Waiting For Things…) I remember referring to Covid and feeling awkward about it as I thought (like most people) that it would be something that would just pass. Now I wish I had mentioned it more, but I thought people would think I was paranoid. I remember when I first started to sanitise my hands in public that people would think that I was odd for doing it. I initially tried to do it as discreetly as possible.

Pregnancy In The Time Of Corona (25 weeks)
(March 2020)
 
#SoTheThreatOfCoronavirusIsMoreRealNow
#OfficialGuidanceSayItIsNotReallyAThreatToPregnantWomen
#ButIDoWorryThatIfIGetItThatThereMightBeSomeSideEffectsForTheBaby
#IAmAlsoPrettyCertainThatIfItContinuesTheWayItIsThenIWillProbablyGetIt
#IJustHopeICanDelayGettingItUntilIAmMorePregnant
#BecauseOfCoronaIHaveNoticedHowDisgustingPeopleAreInGeneral
#ISawAGuyBlowHisNoseIntoHisHandInTheSupermarketTheOtherDay
#AWomanCoughedInTheLiftYesterdayAndSheDidNotPutHerHandOverHerMouth
#AsSoonAsSheCoughedThePeopleAtTheFrontOfTheLiftLookedAroundNervously
#SoIThinkAfterTheVirusGoesIWillJustWashMyHandsMoreAndUseHandSanitiserMore
#IPushedTheButtonForTheLiftWithAKnuckleBecauseIThoughtIWasBeingSmart
#ButIPushedItIntoTheBrailleAndItStartedToBleed
#MyHandsAreSoDryFromAllTheWashingAndHandSanitising
#IFeelAwkwardUsingTheHandSanitiserInPublic
#TiagoShookSomeonesHandTheOtherDayAndIPassedHimTheHandSanitiser
#IHopeItDidNotOffendTheOtherPerson
#IfIWasNotPregnantThenIThinkIWouldBeMoreChilledOut
#AtLeastBecauseIAmPregnantWeHaveNotMadeAnyTravelPlans
#AndWeWentToTheTheatreLastWeek
#IDoNotHaveAnythingBookedInMyDiaryThatIMightHaveToCancel
#JustLocalArtEventsWhichAreAShameToMissButIDoNotWantToBeInRoomsFullOfPeople
#IWasSpeakingToSomeoneOnTheStairsInMyWorkBuildingYesterday
#AndTodayTheyWereOffAsTheyWereReallyIll
#WeWereStoodAtLeastAMetreApartAndSheWasSomeStepsLowerThanMe
#TypicallyWeWereStoodTalkingAboutCorona
#TheBumpContinuesToGrowThough
#IDownloadedThatAppToMarkWhenIFeelItMove
#AndTheOtherDayAfterTalkingAboutItItHadAQuietDayWhichFreakedMeOut
#ButIThinkItDependsWhatIAmDoing
#WhenIAmAtWorkINoticeItMoreAsIAmNotMovingAboutSoMuch

#OfficialGuidanceSayItIsNotReallyAThreatToPregnantWomen

And then 5 days later…

Pregnant People Are Now High Risk (25 and a half weeks)
(March 2020)
 
#ThingsChangeSoFastTheseDays
#IWasSayingToWorkThatIWasThinkingAboutWorkingFromHomeTheRestOfTheWeek
#BecauseOfCorona
#MyColleagueWasLikeYouAreGoingToComeBackArentYou
#ISaidYeah
#ThenByTheEndOfTheDayTheyAnnouncedNewMeasuresAndIWasLikeSeeYouWhenISeeYou
#ThenByTheTimeIGotHomeTheySaidThatPregnantPeopleWereHighRiskAndWouldHaveToSociallyDistance
#SoNowIDoNotKnowWhenIWillSeeThem
#IDidGoOutTodayThoughAsIHadErrandsToRun
#ITriedToKeepMyDistanceFromPeopleInTheQueues
#ButThenPeopleWouldBeRightNextToMe
#EvenThoughThereWasRoomToNotBe
#IHaveBeenLessAnxiousAboutTheBabyAsIAmMoreConcernedAboutMyNan
#YesterdaySheWasTellingMeToBeCareful
#AndIWasLikeNanYouAreHighRiskAndIAmNot
#ThenIGotHomeAndObviouslyItHadChanged
#ThoughIFeelLikePregnantPeopleAreNotHighRiskInOtherCountries
#IThinkBorisJustWantsToBeAtHomeWithHisPregnantFiancee
#IAmJustGoingToGoOnWalksFromNowOn
#AndLeaveTiagoToGoFoodShopping
#ThoughIMightJustStandOutsideOfTheShopAndWaitForHim
#IfTiagoGetsItIWillGetIt
#SomeoneMessagedTodayToLetThemKnowIfWeNeedStuffPickingUpIfWeBothHaveToSelfQuarantine
#ThatWarmedMyHeart
#InOtherNewsTheBabysKicksAreGettingStronger
#TiagoFinallyFeltOneTheOtherDay
#IAmBackToHavingMyOriginalMidwifeForNowAsHerOperationGotCancelled
#IHopeHerFamilyIsOkay
#SomeBabyClothesArrivedToday
#IThoughtThatTheyHadGotStuckInAnotherCountryOrCustomsSoThatWasARelief

(It’s weird seeing how short my hashtags used to be. I feel like sometimes I don’t know what to write about and before you know it I’ve reached the Instagram maximum of 30 hashtags and 2,200 characters.)

We had planned for a home birth, so my midwife appointments were all at our flat. I had the same midwife the whole time, but she was giving her father a kidney so was due to go on sick leave. However due to Covid the operation got cancelled so she never took her sick leave. I hope her family is okay.

I actually didn’t even reference going into the first lockdown in my project. My first post after lockdown just talks more excitedly about seeing the baby (B) moving for the first time.

As there wasn’t much to do though we got quite into going for walks. We lived in Liverpool city centre and originally we were walking along the riverfront which was really nice, but just a bit too busy for our liking. I was scared. I didn’t know how Covid might affect B (as an unborn baby) and I was anxious enough during my pregnancy before the pandemic.

I Want To Keep Being Able To Go For Walks (27 weeks)
(March 2020)
 
#IAmFeelingTired
#GladIDecidedYesterdayToTakePicturesOfMyselfOnTheSofaToday
#YesterdayIWasLyingOnThereWatchingMyBellyToSeeIfICouldSeeTheBabyMoving
#IHaveNotSeenTheBabyMoveAsMoveAsMuchAsTheFirstDayISawIt
#ITryToTakeABreakToSeeIfICanFeelAndSeeTheBabyMoving
#IThinkItIsMovingNow
#AndItWasDuringTheShootABit
#IDoNotThinkIWillReadBabyForumsForABit
#TheyStressedMeOutBefore
#ButNowWithCoronaTheyAreFullOfPeopleBeingMoreStressedOut
#StillTryingToGoOutForAWalkADay
#IMakeAnEffortToKeepAGoodDistanceBetweenMyselfAndOtherPeople
#TheOtherDayIWasOutsideOfASupermarket
#AWomanAndGuyCameAlong
#TheWomanWentInAndTheGuyStayedOutside
#ButHeStoodRightByTheDoor
#SoAnyoneGoingInAndOutHadToWalkLessThanAMetreAwayFromHim
#ThenYesterdayWeWereWalkingOnAVeryWidePathByTheKerb
#AGuyRanByPuffingAndPantingRightNextToUs
#IShouldHaveToldBothOfThemOff
#AndYesterdayISawTwoGuysCoughInTheStreetWithoutPuttingTheirHandsOverTheirMouths
#AndOneThenWalkedIntoTheSupermarketThatTiagoWasIn
#IWantToKeepBeingAbleToGoForWalks
#INeedTheExercise
#ButIfPeopleKeepNotKeepingTheirDistanceAndDoingDumbThingsThenIMightHaveToStop
#ThoughTheyAreTheOnesWhoShouldNotGoOut
#IFeelLikeMaybeWeWillNotGetIt
#ButMaybeIAmTryingToBeOptimistic
#ItSeemsMoreSeriousByTheDay
#IJustWantToKnowHowLongItWillGoOnForButItCouldBeALongTime

#IJustWantToKnowHowLongItWillGoOnForButItCouldBeALongTime

Lol. Did any of us think we would still be dealing with it now?

I felt like people weren’t taking instructions about social distancing seriously enough and I got stressed out. I would wait outside of the supermarket while Tiago went in, and get annoyed by people, especially as I realised how gross and unhygienic people were.

I Feel Like I Have Lost A Sense Of Urgency (27 weeks)
(March 2020)
 
#AnotherDayAtHome
#WellWeWentOutForAShortWalk
#YesterdayWeLeftOurWalkUntilTooLate
#WhenItWasStartingToGetDarkAndCold
#SoWeDidNotGoOut
#OriginallyWeWereHavingOurWalksAfterItGetsDark
#ButTheWeatherGotBetterSoWeWantedToEnjoyTheSunABit
#IHavePlentyOfThingsToKeepMeBusy
#ButIFeelLikeIHaveLostASenseOfUrgency
#LikeWhyRushAsIAmNotGoingAnywhereElse
#AFriendAskedUsIfWeWereOkayJustBeingAroundEachOtherAllDay
#YeahWeAreUsedToBeingHomeALot
#WeAreLuckyAsWeCanSitInDifferentRoomsWhilstWeAreWorkingIfWeWant
#ThoughThisWeekendWeHaveStuckToTheSameRoom
#IWasSupposedToStartPhotographingHimMoreAWhileAgo
#IDidForABitButIFeltBadBotheringHim
#HeWasOnThePhoneDoingTheWashingUpToday
#AndIWasHuggingHim
#AndIThoughtThatWouldMakeAnAlrightPicture
#SoLaterOnIAskedHimAndHeObviouslySaidYes
#ObviouslyAsInHeIsInThePicture
#AskedTiagoIfHeHadAnyCommentsAndHeSaid
#IFeelKindOfRelaxedToBeFair
#HopefulThatThingsWillGetBetterInAMonthOrTwo
#ISaidIThinkItMightTakeAWhileForThingsToGoBackToNormal
#ItMightBeAfterIGiveBirthAtThisPoint
#IThinkEvenWhenThisNonLockdownEndsIWillBeCautious
#AsItCouldQuiteEasilyComeBackAndStartAllOverAgain
#WhoKnows
#IThinkWeJustNeedToBeCareful

#AskedTiagoIfHeHadAnyCommentsAndHeSaid
#IFeelKindOfRelaxedToBeFair
#HopefulThatThingsWillGetBetterInAMonthOrTwo
#ISaidIThinkItMightTakeAWhileForThingsToGoBackToNormal
#ItMightBeAfterIGiveBirthAtThisPoint

We had been walking after dark to try to avoid the masses of people also taking walks, but soon we just started to walk in the opposite direction during daylight through the industrial area instead.

(I’m just posting pictures where the titles refer to things to do with the pandemic as there would be too many images to talk about otherwise. You can see the whole series on my Instagram.)

Tiago & His Holiday Beard (28 weeks)
(April 2020)
 
#TiagoOnlyUsuallyHasSomethingThatResemblesABeardWhenWeHaveBeenOnHoliday
#IGuessItShouldBeCalledHisLockdownBeard
#ButIAlwaysReferToHisFacialHairAsAHolidayBeard
#HeIsNotOnHolidayThoughAsHeIsWorkingFromHome
#ButStillHasVideoMeetingsToAttend
#HeJustCanNotBeBotheredToShave
#HeHasBeenInAFewPicturesInThisProject
#ButNotAsManyAsIFirstThought
#ThoughDueToLockdownItMightBeAGoodChanceToPhotographHimMore
#IThinkTryingToGetHashtagsOutOfHimLastTimeWasHardWork
#IKnewThisWeekendThatIWantedToPhotographHimThough
#WeWentOutForAWalkTodayAndThePlanWasToPhotographHimWhenWeGotHome
#IThoughtTheSofaWasASafeBetAsHeWouldBeRelaxed
#HeDidFallAsleepAtSomePoint
#HeSpentALotOfTimeTodayCookingAndTidying
#IWantedHimToHaveHisEyesClosed
#ButItDoesLookABitLikeHeIsDead
#TheWeekendsGoBySurprisinglyFast
#IAmWaitingForHimToGetOffAVideoCallWithHisParents
#AndThenIWillAskHimIfHeHasAnythingThatHeWantsToSayAboutImpendingFatherhood
#HeWasOnThePhoneForAboutAnHour
#HeSaysHeIsFeelingExcitedByIt
#ItIsBecomingMoreRealEveryDay
#HeSaysHeIsMainlyFocusedOnTheBabyAndNotThatStressedOutByCorona
#HeFeelsConnectedToTheBabyAlreadyEvenThoughHeDoesNotKnowThemYet
#FeelingThemKickIsNice
#HeLooksForwardToParentingAndGettingToKnowTheBaby
#AndTheChallengeOfIt
#HeSaysSeeingMyBumpInTheFleshIsStrangeYetNaturalAtTheSameTime

Tiago used to work from home a bit before Covid, but then he was always at home. Luckily we get along well (that’s always good if you’re married to someone) and it was nice to see him more. While I grew a baby he grew facial hair, which was weird as he only rocked a beard when we were on holiday.

He appeared in the project more than I had initially planned due to being around more.

Soon my midwife appointments would be changed from every 3 weeks to every 4 weeks. This didn’t really matter but I guess it meant we didn’t have as many as we should have. At one point my midwife sent someone else in case she wasn’t available when I gave birth, but otherwise she was the only person who I saw on a regular-ish basis during lockdown #1 besides Tiago.

It Is Odd That Quite Possibly None Of My Friends Or Family (Besides Tiago) Will See Me Heavily Pregnant In Real Life (29 weeks)
(April 2020)
 
#PeopleWarnedUsWhenWeWereTryingToGetPregnantThatWeWouldNeverBeAbleToLeaveTheHouseWhenWeWantedAgain
#IRememberShruggingAtTheTimeAndSayingItDidNotBotherMeMuch
#IHaveAlwaysLikedBookingTicketsForThingsMoreThanGoingToTheThings
#IBookTicketsAndIGetExcited
#ThenOnTheDayTheEventComesRoundIAmAlwaysFeelingTired
#IDoEnjoyEventsButIAmNotThatBothered
#NowIHaveBeenAtHomeFor3WeeksOtherThanGoingForWalks
#AndWhenRestrictionsFinallyLiftIWillNotBeRushingToGoOutForAnythingOtherThanWalks
#TheBabyMayHaveBeenBornAlreadyOrItMayHaveNot
#EitherWayIDoNotEnvisionGoingAnywhereWithTheBabyBesidesWalks
#ItIsOddThatQuitePossiblyNoneOfMyFriendsOrFamilyWillSeeMeHeavilyPregnantInRealLife
#EveryWeekIFeelLikeTheBabyIsGrowingALot
#IDidNotBotherBuyingAnyMoreMaternityClothesThanTheOnesIGotWhenIWas15Weeks
#WhichWereMainlyBrasADressAPairOfLeggingsAndACardigan
#NowIAmJustAtHomeSoIDefinitelyDoNotNeedToGetAnythingElse
#YesterdayISpentTheWholeDayLookingAtBabyStuff
#WeAreJustGoingToHaveToRiskItAndBuyStuffWithoutTrying
#IWouldRatherJustBuyEverythingSoonerRatherThanLaterSoWeDoNotHaveToWorry
#IAmThinkingThatThereIsNoPointBuyingABabyBassinetForThePushchairAsWeWillNotProbablyUseItMuch
#IWouldRatherJustCarryTheBabyInTheBeginning
#ParticularlyToAvoidAnyoneTryingToPeerIntoTheBassinetInsteadOfKeepingTheirDistance
#WeStillDoNotKnowIfItIsAGirlOrABoy
#IOftenForgetItHasAGenderWhichIsWeirdToSay
#IJustReferToThemAsTheBabyOrThem
#WhereasTiagoUsuallyStartsTalkingToTheBumpWithMyBabyBoy
#AndThenICoughInANonCovidWayAndHeSaysOrMyBabyGirl
#HeStillWantsToFindOutBeforeTheBirth
#IWantToWait
#IAmSupposedToBeHavingMoreScansButIHaveNotReceivedALetterRecently
#AndIDoNotFeelLikeChasingThemUpAsIWouldRatherAvoidGoingToTheHospitalIfICan

I was looking forward to my friends and family seeing me pregnant, I wanted to know what it was like to float in water while pregnant and … actually my wishlist wasn’t very long at all. I guess the main thing was to just really make the most of our time saying goodbye to our old lives of no responsibility, and hang out with our nearest and dearest.

It’s funny how you can take such simple things for granted.

We (my husband Tiago and I) moved to Liverpool in late 2018 and we had a small group of friends there, but a lot of our friends lived elsewhere. We had both lived in London for a number of years (me for 8ish and Tiago for 10ish), and Tiago was born in Portugal. We still haven’t seen any of Tiago’s family since December 2019 when Tiago’s brother invited everyone (their parents and us) for Christmas, otherwise we wouldn’t have seen them for a much longer time.

#IAmSupposedToBeHavingMoreScansButIHaveNotReceivedALetterRecently
#AndIDoNotFeelLikeChasingThemUpAsIWouldRatherAvoidGoingToTheHospitalIfICan

We had had all our compulsory scans before the lockdown, but I was meant to have 3 additional scans due to my BMI (if it’s under 20 you need more scans and mine was 19.9). These got cancelled, which was fine as I didn’t think it was necessary and didn’t fancy going into the hospital for them. It also meant that Tiago never missed an appointment due to restrictions, which was lucky.

#IJustReferToThemAsTheBabyOrThem
#WhereasTiagoUsuallyStartsTalkingToTheBumpWithMyBabyBoy
#AndThenICoughInANonCovidWayAndHeSaysOrMyBabyGirl
#HeStillWantsToFindOutBeforeTheBirth

We had tried to find out at previous scans, but B would not ‘present’ and I was not so secretly glad that this was the case. Due to our other scans being cancelled we did not have an opportunity to find out, so we waited until I gave birth to see that B was a girl. (I thought she was a boy at first as I could only see the umbilical cord.)

#IHaveAlwaysLikedBookingTicketsForThingsMoreThanGoingToTheThings

I was thinking the other day that I really don’t miss a lot of things. Maybe that’s because I’ve had a baby and things are more difficult. ‘Would it be worth the hassle of getting someone to look after B to go to a music gig?’ Not really.

I do daydream about going out to a private view or something though, but Tiago wouldn’t be bothered about joining me so he could look after B.

Eating Almond Butter Is My Daily Highlight Right Now (29 and a half weeks)
(April 2020)
 
#TheLastCoupleOfWeeksIHaveNoticedThatIHaveHadAFewBadEvenings
#LastWeekIWasCrankyTwoNightsInARowAndLastNightIJustFeltDown
#IFeltDownInTheEveningProbablyACoupleOfWeeksAgo
#IWasCryingAndIDidNotReallyKnowWhy
#IJustFeltOverwhelmed
#IGuessINeverExpectedToBePregnantDuringAPandemic
#IFeelMoreTiredInTheAfternoonThanTheEvenings
#ButMaybeByTheEveningsIAmMoreMentallyTired
#AfterISleepIWakeUpFeelingFine
#IThinkTheMassageMakingMeSleepLaterWasJustACoincidence
#LastNightIWokeUpAt1amThen4amThen6am
#AtLeastNowIDoNotHaveToWorryAboutCommuting
#AndTheWakingUpInTheNightIsPreparationForWhatIsToCome
#IFeltDownLastNightAgainBecauseIThinkIWasOverwhelmed
#IWantToChatWithPeopleButIJustFindItKindOfExhausting
#SeeingMessagesToReplyToMakesMeFeelABitAnxious
#PeopleAskingMeWhenIAmDue
#IDoJustNotWantItToGetToTheTimeWhenIAmDueAndBeGettingLotsOfMessagesAskingMeForBabyNews
#IWillTellPeopleWhenIAmReady
#WhichCouldBeSoonAfterTheBirthOrItMightNot
#SoIfYouHaveAskedAndIHaveToldYouInAnObviousOrVagueWayPleaseDoNotBugMe
#IfYouHaveNotAskedThenPleaseDoNotAskMe
#MyHighlightOfTheDayAtTheMomentIsWhenIEatAnAppleAndABananaWithAlmondButter
#ThisHasBeenMyDailyHighlightForAtLeastAWeek
#IReadThatEatingNutsInYourFirstTrimesterIsReallyGoodForTheBaby
#ButICouldNotEatThemAsIHadAnAversionToThem
#HopefullyItWillHelpABitNowButMaybeIAmEatingTooMuchAndItHasTheOppositeEffect
#IAmJustEatingItBecauseILoveIt
#WeCouldNotGetBananasTheOtherDayButTiagoGotSomeToday
#IEnjoyThisTreatMoreThanOurWalksAsWeWalkTheSameRouteAllTheTimeAndPeopleStressMeOutAsTheyDoNotSeemToKnowWhat2MetresIss

#TheLastCoupleOfWeeksIHaveNoticedThatIHaveHadAFewBadEvenings
#LastWeekIWasCrankyTwoNightsInARowAndLastNightIJustFeltDown
#IFeltDownInTheEveningProbablyACoupleOfWeeksAgo
#IWasCryingAndIDidNotReallyKnowWhy
#IJustFeltOverwhelmed
#IGuessINeverExpectedToBePregnantDuringAPandemic

I really did not know what to expect when pregnant, but I knew it wasn’t this. My mental health has always been a bit over the place, and my art is therapeutic for me and the main way that I try to deal with things. I felt lucky to have something to count down to during this time and I was glad that I had already started a project to work on and vent into.

#MyHighlightOfTheDayAtTheMomentIsWhenIEatAnAppleAndABananaWithAlmondButter

Sad, but small things. My daily highlight at the moment is getting out for a walk, but I do now really like this dark chocolate sea salt almond butter – I was just eating their plain stuff before which is still really good. (Yes that’s a lot of money for nut butter, but a kilo does last a long time. Some people spend money on alcohol – I like to buy nut butter.)

Who Knows How Things Will Be By The Time I Give Birth (30 weeks)
 
#IKeepTellingMyselfThatIShouldRestMore
#ButIWokeUpTodayFeelingLikeIWantedToDoAShoot
#ThisWasNotTheIdeaIHadYesterdayThatIDidNotEndUpDoing
#IRealiseThatAFewOfTheLastPicturesAllHaveAHandOrHandsOnMyBump
#IWasLookingAtThePictureOfMeAndTiagoWhenIWas19WeeksPregnantAndYouCanBarelySeeMyBump
#SoIThoughtItWouldBeNiceToRedoItWithMyBumpMoreObvious
#WeKindOfLookLikeWeirdMannequins
#WeOrderedOurPushchairAndCotToday
#ItHasBeenStressingMeOutForACoupleOfWeeksDecidingOnWhichOnesToBuy
#SoWeJustTookThePlungeTodayAsWhatIsTheWorstThatCanHappen
#ItIsSoWeirdMakingWhatFeelsLikeBigPurchasesWithoutHavingSeenThemInRealLifeOrHavingTriedThemOutFirst
#ApparentlyIfTheBabyCameNowItWouldHaveAGoodChanceOfSurviving
#SoItMadeSenseToOrderThem
#JustNeedToBuySomeSmallerThingsNowLikeMattressProtectorsAndNappies
#IAmLookingForwardToHavingItAllSorted
#ItIsNiceThatTiagoIsInTheProjectABitMoreNow
#ItIsGoingToBeWeirdWhenWeAreNotAtHomeTogetherSoMuch
#IThinkOnceTheBabyIsBornHisWorkNoLongerConsidersMeToBeVulnerable
#SoHeWillNeedToLeaveTheHouseForWorkAgain
#ButSurelyANewbornIsVulnerable
#IDoNotKnow
#WhoKnowsHowThingsWillBeByTheTimeIGiveBirth
#ItFeelsWeirdBuyingAPushchairKnowingThatItWillProbablyBeUsedForJustMyUsualSimpleWalkForALongTime
#AndMaybeIWillPreferToJustHaveTheBabyInACarrierForAWhileToAvoidAwkwardPavementEncounters
#IGuessItIsGoodToCoverAllTheOptionsAsThePushchairWillBeUsedAtSomePoint
#IHadALieDownThisAfternoonAndIThinkTheBabyWasUsingMyBladderAsATrampoline
#IThoughtIWasGoingToWetMyself
#WentOutForOurUsualWalkEarlier
#AGuyStuckHisHeadOutOfTheWindowOfAVanThatDroveFromBehindUsAndLetOutABloodCurdlingScreamAndIJumped
#HeHadHisHeadOutOfTheWindowSoIHopedHeNoticedIWasPregnantAndThenFeltBadButIAmSureHeWasJustHappyThatHeHadShowedOffInFrontOfWhoeverWasDriving
 

#IThinkOnceTheBabyIsBornHisWorkNoLongerConsidersMeToBeVulnerable
#SoHeWillNeedToLeaveTheHouseForWorkAgain

Oh yeah, I had forgotten about him being at home more as I was considered to be vulnerable. This does really feel like a lifetime ago.

#AGuyStuckHisHeadOutOfTheWindowOfAVanThatDroveFromBehindUsAndLetOutABloodCurdlingScreamAndIJumped
#HeHadHisHeadOutOfTheWindowSoIHopedHeNoticedIWasPregnantAndThenFeltBadButIAmSureHeWasJustHappyThatHeHadShowedOffInFrontOfWhoeverWasDriving

I do remember this quite clearly though. Asshole. Can I say that on my blog? It’s my blog, so yeah.

Accepting That My Old Normal Is Gone Forever (32 and a half weeks)
(May 2020)
Accepting That My Old Normal Is Gone Forever (32 and a half weeks) II
(May 2020)
 
#MeAndTiagoWereTalkingTheOtherDayAboutWhenThingsReturnToQuoteNormalUnquote
#AndIRealisedThatMyOldNormalWillProbablyNeverExistAgain
#RealisticallyTheBabyWillBeBornUnderSomeKindOfLockdown
#SomeRestrictionsMayLiftButLifeWillNotBeTheSameForAWhile
#IHaveNoDesireToRushToBeInACrowdAgain
#ToSitInARestaurantOrGoToTheCinemaOrGoToAGig
#EvenTheIdeaOfGoingToAnExhibitionFeelsAwkward
#LuckilyInLiverpoolTheyDoNotHaveTheSameCrowdednessAsShowsInLondon
#IDefinitelyWillNotBeRushingToGoToLondon
#AndWithABabyTheIdeaOfTheseThingsMightHaveSeemedABitUneasyAnyways
#ButNowIWillNotHaveThePressureOrFeelingOfWellICouldDoThings
#IThinkIWillJustBeAtHomeAndGoingOnDailyWalksForAWhile
#YouNeverKnowICouldSlipBackIntoOldLifeQuiteEasily
#ButAgainWithABabyItWillNotBeLikeMyOldLife
#MyOldLifeIsForeverGone
#AndIAmNotSadAboutItAsIWantedThisBaby
#AndPeopleWouldSayToMeIfYouHaveABabyYouWillNotJustBeAbleToGoOutWhenYouWantAgain
#AndIShruggedAndSaidIWasNotThatBothered
#AndNowWithThePandemicICareLess
#IAmEnjoyingBeingAtHomeMore
#AndSeeingTiagoALotMore
#ItWillBeWeirdWhenHeFinallyStartsGoingBackOutToWorkAgain
#MyBackHurtsALittleFromThesePicturesNow
#IWasTryingToRecreateAnOuttakeFrom11WeeksAgo
#AndIAmABitBiggerNowSoItWasNotThatEasy
#PregnancyIsDefinitelyGettingMoreUncomfortableNow
#TheExerciseVideosIHaveBeenDoingForWeeksAreGettingABitMoreHarderToDoWithABiggerBump
#IWasSupposedToHaveAMidwifeAppointmentTodayButSomeoneWentIntoLabour
#SoIWillSeeHerInACoupleOfDaysTimeInsteadAndIAmInterestedToHearAboutMyPossibleBirthOptions
#TiagoSaysILookPaleAndABitLikeJesus 

I had imagined that at some point there would be some kind of big goodbye to not being a parent. I didn’t want a baby shower, so I was relieved that I would not get one, but yes I thought I would celebrate with friends and just experience doing things for the last time child-free while realising it was the last time. Bizarre.

In February 2020 I had gone to Norway for my first solo show at Vasli Souza in Oslo, and Tiago had joined for a few days. I had imagined that we would go on another small trip before B was born, but nope. Norway is expensive and I felt bad for spending money on things, but if we had known what was to come then maybe we would have just stayed longer and done more.

At this point we are not sure when we will risk going to see Tiago’s family (it’s two flights, and it was already a lot of faff before we had a baby and Covid to think about).

I Have Told Him Before That If He Wants To Touch The Bump Then He Has To Make Sure His Hands Are Warm (22 and a half weeks)
(February 2020)
 
#IKeepGettingAdsForPregnancyPhotoShoots
#SoIThoughtIBetterTakeMoreOfOurOwn
#IWantedTiagoToRestHisHeadOnTheBump
#ButHeThoughtISaidForHimToPutHisHandsOnIt
#AndTheyWereFREEZING
#IHaveToldHimBeforeThatIfHeWantsToTouchTheBumpThenHeHasToMakeSureHisHandsAreWarm
#ThereIsAnOuttakeOfHimLaughingBecauseISaidNotHisHandsButHisHead
#AnywaysTheBumpContinuesToGrow
#IAmAtThePointNowWhereFoodCrumbsGetStuckOnTheTopOfIt
#TryingToMonitorTheMovementsStillStressesMeOut
#WhenICanFeelItMoveIFeelRelaxed
#WhenICanNotIFeelStressed
#ThisMorningTiagoWentForAShowerAndCameBackToFindMeJustLyingInBedWatchingMyBump
#IAmTryingToFaffLessOnMyPhoneSoItItOneWayOfDoingItIGuess
#WhoNeedsTechnologyWhenYouHaveAnOldFashionedBump
#ThatIsMonitoredInAllTheNewTechnologyWays
#IWasReadingAboutBraxtonHicksTheOtherDay
#IHaveNeverHeardAboutItInAllOfMyLife
#BasicallyItIsWhenYourBodyPracticesContractions
#SoNowIAmLikeWasThatAHiccupFromTheBabyOrABraxtonHicksContraction
#ItIsAFunGame
#INeedToStartThinkingAboutLookingMoreIntoHypnobirthingAndStuffNow
#AsTimeIsFlyingBy
#AndAFriendSaidThatHerFriendGaveBirthAt30Weeks
#SoIFeelLikeINeedToGetMorePrepared
#INeedToStartThinkingMoreAboutPushchairsAndAllThatStuffToo
#ThereIsSoMuchToChooseFromWhichIsAnnoying
#WeAreGoingToABabyShowSoonWhichSoundsLikeMyIdeaOfHellButIAmHopingItWillBeUseful
#TwoPeopleInTheLastWeekHaveToldMeThatILookPale
#WhichHasConcernedMeButIThinkItIsJustBecauseTheWinterIsJustDraggingOnAndMyBodyHasYetToUtiliseItsTemporarySkillOfRetainingATanForLonger
The Bump & The Beard (33 weeks)
(May 2020)
 
#ItIsFunnyHowDifferentTiagoLooksToTheOriginalThatWeTookAt22AndAHalfWeeks
#IHaveNeverSeenHimWithThisMuchFacialHairBefore
#HeSaysHeHasNeverHadThisMuchFacialHairBefore
#HeMightGetRidOfItSoon
#ItIsFunnySeeingHowMuchBiggerMyBumpIsToo
#YesterdayWeWalkedADifferentWayAsOurWalksHaveBeenGettingShorter
#WalkingDownTheSameRoadAllTheTimeIsSoDemotivating
#WeWalkedInTheDirectionThatIsMorePopular
#TiagoIsTheOneWhoGoesOutAndDoesFoodShoppingSoHeIsUsedToBeingAroundAndSeeingMorePeople
#WhereasIHaveBecomeABitScaredOfPeople
#SoItWasGoodToSeeMorePeopleAndEnjoyALongerWalkAndChangeOfScenery
#SomePeopleStillWalkABitTooCloseForMyLiking
#ItIsQuiteObviousThatIAmPregnantNowIfYouAreWalkingTowardsMe
#MaybeTheyThinkThatBecauseIAmPregnantThatIAmNotLikelyToHaveCovidAndGiveItToThem
#ButIDoNotKnowIfTheyHaveItOrNotSoIWouldPreferIfTheyKeptTheirDistance
#ItIsWeirdImaginingAWorldPostAllOfThis
#MaybeItWillFeelEasyButIThinkRealisticallyIWillBeEmergingFromThisWithABaby
#AndSoTheOutsideWorldWillBeADifferentExperienceForMeAnyways
#ItIsGoingToBeOddNotHavingTiagoAroundAllTheTime
#IHaveBeenSpoiltAsHeHasBeenMaking99PercentOfTheMeals
#ITendToJustMakeCheeseAndPickleSandwiches
#ItWillBeWeirdHavingLunchByMyself
#WellIKeepThinkingAndSayingByMyselfButIWillHaveTheBabyAround
#IPictureMyselfWithTheBabyButItStillFeelsSoFarAway
#ThoughTimeIsMovingQuick
#INeedToStartPreparingMoreAgain
#IWasDoingWellAndThenTheNCTCourseKnackeredMeOut
#SoINeedToGetBackIntoReadingMoreThingsAndBuyingTheLastBitsAndBobs
#IAskedTiagoIfHeWantedToSayAnything
#HeJustSaidThatHeIsKeenToMeetTheBaby

The first photo was taken pre-lockdown #1, but it shows how things changed for both of us between February and May.

#ItIsWeirdImaginingAWorldPostAllOfThis
#MaybeItWillFeelEasyButIThinkRealisticallyIWillBeEmergingFromThisWithABaby
#AndSoTheOutsideWorldWillBeADifferentExperienceForMeAnyways

Oh, it’s been a ride. I definitely need to save it for another post as this is getting way too long.

The Baby Just Seems So Protected And Safe In My Belly (36 and a half weeks)
(June 2020)
 
#IStillHaveNotBeenSleepingGreat
#WeOrderedSomeNewPillowsWhichArrivedYesterday
#ThoughtWeMightAsWellWithNoPlansToGoAnywhereThisSummer
#AndApparentSleepDeprivationAroundTheCorner
#ThePillowDoesFeelGreatButItDoesNotFixMyProblemOfHavingToWakeUpToTurnOver
#NotSureIfTheLackOfSleepIsDownToMyBodyTryingToPrepareMeForFutureLackOfSleep
#ThoughTalkingToOtherPregnantWomenIAmNotTheOnlyOne
#OurFavouriteFalafelPlaceHasReopenedSoWeGotTakeawayForLunch
#ThatWillProbablyBeTheHighlightOfTheWeekSoItSeemedWorthMentioning
#OtherwiseIGuessWeAreJustApproachingTheWaitingGameNow
#ItIsBabysDueMonthThoughItCouldComeNextMonth
#ABabyFromTheNCTGroupIsDueTodayAndAnotherIsDueTomorrow
#TheyAreTheFirstOnesThatAreDue
#ItWillBeInterestingToSeeWhenAll8BabiesAreBorn
#EarlyOnDateOrLate
#IHopeMineComesAfterTheDueDate
#JustToGiveMeMoreTimeToGetMyHeadAroundItAllAndWindDownABitMore
#ParticularlyAsIStillHaveWorkOnUntilTheWeekBeforeMyDueDate
#ThoughIKnowBabyWillComeWhenBabyWantsTo
#IThinkWeAreReadyEnoughThough
#WatchingThisPostNatalCourseIsReallyUsefulAsIStillFeelLikeIHaveSoMuchLearn
#AndIKnowIWillKeepLearningEveryDayOnceTheBabyArrivesAnyways
#TheBabyJustSeemsSoProtectedAndSafeInMyBelly
#ICanFeelItHiccupping
#ItGetsEverythingItWantsOnTapRightNow
#TheWholeFourthTrimesterThingMakesSense
#TheBabyNotNeedingTotalQuietAndWantingToBeCloseEtc
#LikeIHaveSaid100TimesBeforeAtLeastThePandemicAllowsUsMoreTimeToNotRushBackToNormalLife
#ThoughOurNormalLifeTheseDaysIsJustBeingAtHomeForAtLeast23HoursADayReally
#IProbablyWillJustTakeTheBabyOutForWalksAroundLiverpoolInTheBeginning

And then as my due date got nearer I seemed to not worry so much about the world’s situation, as my main thoughts were about giving birth and becoming a mother. Covid was just something we learned to deal with. We went for our walks and Tiago did the food shopping. We both worked, and I spent my days off doing my own work.

(I now realise how much time I wasted and faffed. I wish I had been quicker and spent more time relaxing, but oh well.)

We figured we wouldn’t be going anywhere anytime soon, so we just tried to make our flat nicer as we planned to stay there for a while. (Spoiler alert: We moved to Birmingham at the end of October.)

#IHopeMineComesAfterTheDueDate

Just laughing at this as I really thought I’d be a 42 weeker giving birth at home, but B came before 38 weeks and there was no home birth.

Time Is Running Out (37 and a half weeks)
(June 2020)
 
#IWasDoingMyMorningExerciseWhenICaughtMyReflectionInTheKitchenSplashBackWall
#IThoughtItWouldBeNiceToDoAMoreSilhouettedPhotoOfMyselfAndBumpAgainstTheBlinds
#SoThatIsWhatIDidThisEvening
#YesterdayEveningWeWentForAWalk
#IDidNotHaveAnyPainsOrDiscomfortAndIFeltLikeICouldWalkFasterThanNormal
#IJustDidTheWashingUpNowAndIGotSomeExtremeCrampsInTheTopOfMyLeftLeg
#AndNowTheBabyHasHiccupsWhichAlwaysMakesMeFeelUncomfortable
#TheyDoNotHurtButIJustDoNotLikeTheFeelingOfThem
#EspeciallyAsTheBabyIsHeadDownSoItJustFeelsWeird
#ItWouldNotBeSoBadIfTheyWereAtTheTopOfTheBump
#AFewDaysAgoIDecidedThatIWouldLikeToTakeSomePicturesInTheStyleOfMyMáscaraProject
#IThoughtIHadTheMakeupHereButApparentlyIDoNot
#MyMumFoundMyBagOfItAsWeHaveStillHaveSomeStuffAtFamilyHousesAndPutItInThePostToday
#SoHopefullyIGetItInTheNextCoupleOfDays
#AsTimeIsRunningOut
#MyHospitalPantsTurnedUpToday
#TheySaidTheyHadBeenDeliveredYesterdaySoIWasABitConcernedAsTheyWereNotHere
#AtTimesIKindOfForgetAboutThePandemic
#AndThenIRememberWhatIsGoingOn
#ItIsAllABitWeird
#IFeelLikeWeHaveAdaptedWellButIKnowWeArePrivileged
#ALotOfPeopleSeemToBeGoingBackToNormal
#ButIAmScared
#MeAndTiagoHaveALittleBitOfACold
#ButTheWeatherKeepsChangingAndIWasIllQuiteALotAtTheStartOfThePregnancy
#IHaveNotReallyBeenIllAtAllSinceLockdown
#SoIThinkItIsJustUsFeelingALittleRundown
#LastNightISleptThroughUntil5AMWhichHasNotHappenedInALongTime
#MaybeDoingALotOfKegelsYesterdayHelped
#AsWellAsHavingAGoodStretchingSessionAndNotSleepingMuchTheNightBefore

This is the last photo that I took for the project while pregnant.

#AtTimesIKindOfForgetAboutThePandemic
#AndThenIRememberWhatIsGoingOn
#ItIsAllABitWeird

Our new normal just became staying at home with a daily walk. I felt lucky to still be working, and that Tiago was still working, and that we hadn’t really been affected too much by Covid. I was just really unsure of how giving birth would be, but I just kept practicing my breathing that I’d learned through hypnobirthing (it was super useful in the end).

We Ended Up Waiting For Something To Happen In A Time When Everyone Was Waiting For Something (0 weeks)
(June 2020)
 
#SoOurBabyArrivedTwoWeeksEarly
#MyWatersBrokeWhenIWasInBedAtOneThirtyInTheMorningAndAtFirstIThoughtIHadWetMyself
#WeWentToTheHospitalForMonitoring
#TurnedOutThatBabyWasBreech
#TheyWantedMeToHaveACSectionButISaidNoAsIDidNotFancyTheRecoveryTime
#TheyBasicallyPutMeOnAClockAndSaidIfIWasNotInEstablishedLabourBy6PMThenIWasHavingACSectionAndIThoughtChallengeeAccepted
#IKnewIfIGotStressedOutThenMySurgesWouldNotComeOrWouldBeStopped
#IDancedBehindMyCurtainInTheWardAndIBreathedThroughEachSurge
#AtSomePointIWasExaminedAndAllowedToGoToTheDeliverySuiteAndTiagoCouldComeInTheRoom
#TheyPutACannulaInMyHandAndPutTheDateAndTimeOnIt
#ExactlyTwoHoursLaterOurBabyWasBorn
#WeDidNotKnowIfItWasABoyOrAGirl
#TheyShowedMeAndAtFirstAllICouldSeeWasThePlacentaCordAndIThoughtItWasABoy
#ButItWasAGirlWhoIWillReferToAsB
#IHadUsedATensMachineForTheFirstHalfOfLabourAndByTheSecondHalfItJustAnnoyedMe
#AfterwardsIFeltHighFromHavingJustFocusedOnMyBreathing
#AFewPeopleHaveSaidToMeThatTheyDidNotKnowVaginalBreechDeliveryWasPossible
#AnywaysIThoughtIShouldConcludeThisProjectWithSomethingThatReferencesOurBabyB
#IPlannedToGetAPictureOfTheCordStumpAttachedToHer
#ButIJustDidNotGetRoundToItAndThenYesterdayMorningWeRealisedItHadGoneAndWereTryingToFindItInHerClothes
#IGuessItFallingOffSignifiesTheCompleteEndOfHerPhysicalAttachmentToMe
#IWasAboutToSayTheEndOfMyBodyFeedingHerBodyWithNutrients
#ButIAmBreastfeedingAndItDependsHowYouDefinePhysicalAttachment
#AnywaysIThoughtThisWasANiceWayToEndTheProjectAndSayThatSheIsHereWhilstNotShowingHer
#ObviouslyIWasAnxiousALotDuringThePregnancyButItWasTheCompleteUnknownForMe
#INeverWouldHaveThoughtThatIWouldBePregnantDuringAPandemicLetAloneThatOneWouldHappen
#NowSheHasBeenBornIHaveKindOfForgottenAboutItAndIAmTryingMyBestToSleepWhilstFeelingOnTopOfTheWorld
#InTheEndWeEndedUpWaitingForSomethingToHappenInATimeWhenEveryoneWasWaitingForSomethingToHappen
#WeAlsoWaitedForHerCordStumpToFallOffSoWeCouldBathHerSoIGuessThatIsAnotherReasonToEndItLikeThis
#HopeItDoesNotGrossYouOutTooMuch

Ooh I love a nod to a project title with the last image in a series.

The hashtags are a very quick account of what happened. You can read B’s birth story here and about our hospital stay here.

#INeverWouldHaveThoughtThatIWouldBePregnantDuringAPandemicLetAloneThatOneWouldHappen
#NowSheHasBeenBornIHaveKindOfForgottenAboutItAndIAmTryingMyBestToSleepWhilstFeelingOnTopOfTheWorld

I miss those early days of feeling high on life and feeling okay about everything. In the early days she could not do much and it was nice to just learn about parenting without the pressures of having to see people and feel judged. I’m glad that I did not know how long this would go on for though.

But overall with my pregnancy – Yes I wish I had seen more friends, yes I still haven’t seen most of those friends, but I do not really think I missed out that much. The main thing that upset me was being in hospital for 4 nights without Tiago being able to visit us. It was bizarre. I was in a parallel universe in a hospital (after not being in another building besides our flat for months), with a baby and without a husband (who I had not been away from for a night since February).

The big missing out for me though has been since B has been born and it has been super frustrating. Moving to Birmingham has meant that we’ve got to be closer to some of my family, but I just feel like we’ve been locked at home for months unable to do the things that people with babies are usually able to do. I’ve felt worse lately after some good weather – which meant some nice time sat outside and a change of scenery – soon went away, but hopefully with summer on its way and more things starting to reopen soon it can only get better. She’s still yet to meet a lot of people, we haven’t been to a baby class in real life since before Christmas (we have one this week, phew!) and I get super obsessed about her routine because I haven’t had much to mess it up for a long time.

I guess I should save this for the next post though, which I will try to do soon but this has taken me way longer than I expected.

One last note though: I’m really glad that I made this project as I remember being pregnant, but it doesn’t really feel like it happened to me and that I dreamed it or something? I find it weird looking at the photos that THAT happened to my body. It’s bizarre. I definitely never imagined that I’d be pregnant during a pandemic, but I was, and thanks to Tiago for helping me get through it.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating How B Puts Her Arms Up When I Pick Her Up (2nd March 2021)

Me with my arms in the air.
Imitating How B Puts Her Arms Up When I Pick Her Up (2nd March 2021)
 
#IHaveCalledTheShootFolderPutYourArmsInTheAirLikeYouAreBAndYouDoNotCare
#BeforeWhenIPickedHerUpSheWouldJustNotMoveHerArmsAndSoItWasEasyToLiftAndCarryHer
#NowAfterYouPickHerUpSheWillJustThrowHerArmsUpStraightIntoTheAirAndAsSheIsGettingHeavierItCanBeQuiteAStruggle
#HerSkinIsABitBetterButIThinkItWillTakeSomeTimeToGoAwayCompletely
#IAmABitBoredOfApplyingCreamsAndThingsButObviouslyItIsForTheBest
#AfterMyLastShootIWentToAnOnlineZoomMeetingForLocalMumsWhileBWasAsleep
#ItWasJustSoSuperAwkwardAsIDidNotRealiseIWasOnMuteAtFirstAndThenIDidNotGetToTalkOrSoItFelt
#ItMadeMeRememberWhyIHadNotBeenToOneForTwoMonthsOrSoAndIHadACryAfterwards
#AfterBWasUpIBlewMyNoseAndThenSheWasCryingAsItHadScaredHer
#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainAndPostingABlogEntryTheOtherDayMadeMeRealiseThatMyLastBadPatchWasNotThatLongAgo
#INeedToStartLookingAfterMyselfBetterSoThatICanBeABetterMumForB
#IWantToGetMentallyStrongAsWellAsPhysicallyStrong
#InTheLastWeekIHaveStartedToTryToDoPushups
#IThoughtMyArmsShouldBeGettingStrongerWithAllThisBabyCarryingButIRealisedHowWeakTheyAreStill
#DoYouEverGetThatFeelingOfThereIsSoMuchThatYouWantToDoButYouDoNotKnowWhereToStartSoInsteadOfDoingSomethingYouDoNothing
#IFeltABitLikeThatTheOtherDayAndISpentALotOfMyFreeTimeAtTheWeekendJustWatchingTaskmaster
#IThinkIAmJustABitScaredOfFailureSlashWastingMyTimeSoIWouldRatherRelax
#WeHadOurSecondDateNightTheOtherNightWhichWasUsJustWatchingTheFilmStanAndOllie
#SoOurDateNightIsBasicallyUsJustWatchingTVTogether
#OnceBGoesToSleepIAmUsuallyOffDoingWorkOrProcrastinatingOrTryingToRead
#IAmABitFrustratedByAllThePeopleActingLikeLockdownIsOver
#SuddenlyThereAreLargeGroupsSatInTheParkHavingPicnicsAndDrinking
#IGetItIKnowThatPeopleAreFedUpAndWhatever
#IAmJustBitterAsIWouldNotEnjoyMyselfIfIDidTheSame
#AndIAmWorriedThatByTheTimeBabyClassesAreDueToReopenTheyWillNotBeAllowedToAsInfectionRatesMightGetWorseAgain
#BSeemsToBeTeethingALotAgain
#SheHasBeenTeasingUsWithThisOnOffTeethingBusinessForAWhileButMaybeAToothWillSoonAppear
#EveryDayILoveHerABitMore
#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAndJustBeMorePresentWhenIAmWithHer
#IAlsoNeedToTalkToHerMoreButIFindItDifficultAsTheDaysAreSoLongAndRepetitiveAndIGetTired

#IHaveCalledTheShootFolderPutYourArmsInTheAirLikeYouAreBAndYouDoNotCare

I am so funny.

#BeforeWhenIPickedHerUpSheWouldJustNotMoveHerArmsAndSoItWasEasyToLiftAndCarryHer

Hands under the arms. Great.

#NowAfterYouPickHerUpSheWillJustThrowHerArmsUpStraightIntoTheAirAndAsSheIsGettingHeavierItCanBeQuiteAStruggle

Sometimes I worry that she will just slip out of my hands.

#HerSkinIsABitBetterButIThinkItWillTakeSomeTimeToGoAwayCompletely #IAmABitBoredOfApplyingCreamsAndThingsButObviouslyItIsForTheBest

Her chest seems a little worse in places. I am thinking it is heat rash as she does sleep on her tummy a lot. I’ve been experimenting with making her room cooler at bedtime this last week. It seems to have been going okay.

#AfterMyLastShootIWentToAnOnlineZoomMeetingForLocalMumsWhileBWasAsleep

I usually do work/have me time when B is asleep and these zoom chats are always when B is napping. However I felt in the mood to talk to people

#ItWasJustSoSuperAwkwardAsIDidNotRealiseIWasOnMuteAtFirstAndThenIDidNotGetToTalkOrSoItFelt

I am cringeing now. I thought they were ignoring me, but then I realised that I had muted my computer via the button on my keyboard. Later on I tried to talk but someone else also spoke at the same time, so I just let them carry on. Then I asked a question to one of the women, but at that moment she went on mute and it was just super awkward.

#ItMadeMeRememberWhyIHadNotBeenToOneForTwoMonthsOrSoAndIHadACryAfterwards

I was crying quite a lot. I think it was partly because of the call, but also just crying to get other things off of my chest.

#AfterBWasUpIBlewMyNoseAndThenSheWasCryingAsItHadScaredHer

I was still crying, so I had to blow my nose. Then she started to cry, which made me cry more as I felt terrible. I do not like crying in front of her. It was a bad day.

#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainAndPostingABlogEntryTheOtherDayMadeMeRealiseThatMyLastBadPatchWasNotThatLongAgo

This entry.

I said:

#OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow

I think they’re more frequent occurrences than ‘once in a while’ to be fair.’

Reading that while feeling in a similar patch made me realise that it is more common. I had thought about quitting my fortnightly mental health call, but I think I need it for now.

#INeedToStartLookingAfterMyselfBetterSoThatICanBeABetterMumForB

I wrote about this a lot the other night in my diary.

#IWantToGetMentallyStrongAsWellAsPhysicallyStrong

I’m bored of sounding like such a negative whiney person. I think I write this at least once a month.

A big part of it is also feeling like I’m only as good as my last shoot and I haven’t liked my last couple of shoots. I hope today’s shoot goes better.

#InTheLastWeekIHaveStartedToTryToDoPushups #IThoughtMyArmsShouldBeGettingStrongerWithAllThisBabyCarryingButIRealisedHowWeakTheyAreStill

I’ve done 30 days of yoga a few times now and I still can not do chaturanga to upward facing dog without touching the floor between them. So with more pushups I hope to be able to achieve this (I can do it sometimes, but I want to be able to do it all the time).

#DoYouEverGetThatFeelingOfThereIsSoMuchThatYouWantToDoButYouDoNotKnowWhereToStartSoInsteadOfDoingSomethingYouDoNothing #IFeltABitLikeThatTheOtherDayAndISpentALotOfMyFreeTimeAtTheWeekendJustWatchingTaskmaster #IThinkIAmJustABitScaredOfFailureSlashWastingMyTimeSoIWouldRatherRelax

I was tired. I need to not be so hard on myself and let myself relax a bit. Previously I would have just jumped into doing something. Now I am trying to think about it more first before I do it, though I think I am at the point where I just need to try something.

It’s difficult not having a good space to work in, like when I was using what is now B’s room. Our bedroom is okay, but it’s not the most ideal. I miss a blank wall. I’m going to order a backdrop or paper or something.

#WeHadOurSecondDateNightTheOtherNightWhichWasUsJustWatchingTheFilmStanAndOllie

We had planned to watch this last week, but instead we watched 3 episodes of tv.

Amy Poehler told a joke at the Golden Globes the other night that summed it up nicely:  ‘Now, TV is the one that I watch five hours straight, but a movie is the one that I don’t turn on because it’s two hours. I don’t want to be in front of my TV for two hours, I want to be in front of the TV for one hour five times.’

#SoOurDateNightIsBasicallyUsJustWatchingTVTogether

So most couple’s normal nights? We don’t watch TV together in the evenings after B is asleep usually.

#OnceBGoesToSleepIAmUsuallyOffDoingWorkOrProcrastinatingOrTryingToRead

I rarely sit in the living room while B is asleep. I’m usually sat in our room. I’ve started 3 books lately, but I need to actually finish one.

Library e-books are a better way for me to read as I usually have 14 days to read them before it’s time to return it for someone else in the queue. If I own it then I do not do such a good job of finishing it.

A book that I am aiming to finish is The Five by Hallie Rubenhold.

Last night I should have just got into bed early and read it, but when I’m tired I procrastinate more than usual and I wasted a lot of time doing nothing.

#IAmABitFrustratedByAllThePeopleActingLikeLockdownIsOver #SuddenlyThereAreLargeGroupsSatInTheParkHavingPicnicsAndDrinking

Hi, it’s me Jocelyn the pandemic police lady again.

#IGetItIKnowThatPeopleAreFedUpAndWhatever

I am also a member of the not very exclusive ‘I’m fed up’ club.

#IAmJustBitterAsIWouldNotEnjoyMyselfIfIDidTheSame

I would feel guilty for openly flouting the rules and I also can not be carefree in the park anymore as I have a baby.

#AndIAmWorriedThatByTheTimeBabyClassesAreDueToReopenTheyWillNotBeAllowedToAsInfectionRatesMightGetWorseAgain

If you all want to get Covid then fine, but just let me leave the house for a baby class or playgroup. Pleaseeee.

#BSeemsToBeTeethingALotAgain #SheHasBeenTeasingUsWithThisOnOffTeethingBusinessForAWhileButMaybeAToothWillSoonAppear

She has been teasing us since before we moved to Birmingham and we have lived here for 4 months now.

#EveryDayILoveHerABitMore

Cheesy but true. I look at her many times during the day and think ‘whoa I grew this little human inside me’.

#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAndJustBeMorePresentWhenIAmWithHer #IAlsoNeedToTalkToHerMoreButIFindItDifficultAsTheDaysAreSoLongAndRepetitiveAndIGetTired

Maybe these hashtags should be swapped around? Oh well.

I do need to talk to her more. I think I spend a lot of the day in silence/watching more kids TV than she does. I just can not talk all day, especially when the person I am talking to can not really talk back. She has more talkative phases though and I just need to do that thing where you copy then say some words afterwards.

I need to get over things. I wanted a baby. I am so happy that we have B. We are lucky as we have my Nan, and we see my Mum a few times a week. It is just so tiring, but I do still want another one at some point. I’d rather just get on with things as there will never be a good time to have another child now.

(26th March: B throwing her arms up in the air after I picked her up seemed to be a 2 day phase. She hasn’t done it since then.)


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B Looking At Her Hand (25th February 2021)

Imitating B Looking At Her Hand (25th February 2021)
 
#BStartedToStareAtHerHandsAboutAWeekAgo
#SheHasChangedALotInTheLastFewWeeksAndIGuessSheIsJustALotMoreCuriousAboutThings
#OfCourseSheAlwaysWantsToPlayWithThingsThatAreNotToysOrSheManagesToFindTheToysThatIHaveHiddenAway
#LikeTheTrainWithBlocksThatIDoNotLikeHerToPlayWithIfIAmKeepingAnEyeOnHerFromTheKitchenWhileISortOutHerFood
#ItHasSomeTallColumnsOnItThatIKnowIfSheWouldFellOntoItSheWouldNotBePleased
#HerSkinIsSlowlyGettingBetter
#ItStillDoesNotLookNiceButItHasDefinitelyImprovedALittleBit
#IndoorSwimmingPoolsAreAllowedToReopenFrom12thAprilSoHopefullyByThenItWillHaveCompletelyHealed
#WeWillNeedToBuyHerNewSwimmingStuffAsSheHasProbablyAlreadyOutgrownTheStuffThatSheWentSwimmingInOnce
#AlsoAroundTheTimeIndoorBabyClassesAreDueToResume
#OnThe29thMarchWeWillBeAbleToMeetUpWithMorePeopleOutsideOrInPrivateGardens
#SoItIs4AndAHalfWeeksUntilThenAndNearly7UntilIndoorBabyClassesAndSwimming
#InSomeWaysItFeelsAlmostHarderHavingThingsToCountdownToButIGuessItWillBeBetterWhenThereAreLessWeeksToGo
#HopefullyThingsDoNotGetWorseAgain
#TheOtherNightBWasAwakeFrom11To1AndWeJustCouldNotFigureOutWhatWasWrong
#ThereIsMeantToBeAn8MonthSleepRegressionAndIThinkSheDoesGetAnnoyedIfSheDoesNotHaveEnoughCrawlingTime
#YesterdayIShuffledThingsAboutAndItTookBHalfAnHourToFallAsleepForHerNapBecauseSheProbablyDidNotCrawlEnough
#SheHasSleptBetterTheLastTwoNightsThough
#IAmWorriedThatTheHouseIsTooHotForHerAndItHasBeenFairlyMildAtNight
#LastNightIWokeUpAtFourThirtyAsIWasTooHotAndIThoughtITurnedOffHerHeater
#IWentInAtSevenAndItWasStillOnButSheDidNotSeemToMind
#IThinkSheLikesTheHeatButIDoNotWantHerSkinToGetWorse
#TheOtherDayWeWentToThePlaygroundButBCouldNotGoOnTheBabySwingsAs3AdultsWereJustBlockingThem
#OneBabyWasJustAsleepInASwingAndAnotherKidWasSometimesInTheSwingAndSometimesNot
#ItWouldHaveBeenReallyAwkwardForUsToUseTheOtherSwingAndThereWasNoOneElseThereSoItMustHaveBeenObviousThatWeWereWaiting
#ItJustUpsetsMeAsILikeToThinkIAmConsiderateOfOthersInThePlaygroundButALotOfPeopleDoNotSeemToCare
#HoweverWeWentYesterdayAndWhenWeWereLeavingTwoPeopleRushedToOpenTheGateForUsSoThatMadeMeFeelBetterAboutIt
#IHaveFinallyBookedToGoToTheDentist
#ICanNotRememberTheLastTimeIWentAndMyMaternityExemptionButRunOutSoon
#MyTeethAreSoHorribleSoINeedToMakeThemLookABitBetterBeforeMyAppointment

#BStartedToStareAtHerHandsAboutAWeekAgo

It’s really cute.

I’ll do the shoot in a bit and it’ll probably look similar to pictures I took in 2012 of me just looking at my hands when I got a repetitive strain injury.

(22nd June 2021:

Sore Knuckles (16th June 2012)

Darn my 2012 one is better, though I’m not so sure on the dress which I think I only ever wore out for Halloween (I used to have a few black dresses that I was a witch in).

This time I got a bit caught up with trying to make my hand look look a bit odd – like it’s a random hand – but don’t think it worked.)

#SheHasChangedALotInTheLastFewWeeksAndIGuessSheIsJustALotMoreCuriousAboutThings

It’s funny how babies can suddenly start doing lots more things.

#OfCourseSheAlwaysWantsToPlayWithThingsThatAreNotToysOrSheManagesToFindTheToysThatIHaveHiddenAway

The main examples that I can think of right now being the labels on all of her toys/clothes, playing with tea towels, just being obsessed with her flannel in her bath last night instead of her bath toys…

#LikeTheTrainWithBlocksThatIDoNotLikeHerToPlayWithIfIAmKeepingAnEyeOnHerFromTheKitchenWhileISortOutHerFood #ItHasSomeTallColumnsOnItThatIKnowIfSheWouldFellOntoItSheWouldNotBePleased

I can just one of those going straight into her eye. No thanks.

I hide it behind her toy bag and she is always back there. Her play area is a sea of cushions to try to stop her from hurting herself…

#HerSkinIsSlowlyGettingBetter

Some bits are lots better.

#ItStillDoesNotLookNiceButItHasDefinitelyImprovedALittleBit

Her shoulders are still not great, but I think it’s because a lot of the old skin is coming off.

In the morning we put her steroid cream on, then 20 minutes later we put on a different cream, then 30ish mins later we put another cream on. Then I’m putting a cream on every hour or so during the day.

#IndoorSwimmingPoolsAreAllowedToReopenFrom12thAprilSoHopefullyByThenItWillHaveCompletelyHealed

I was kind of hoping it wouldn’t be sooner as I think her skin needs to be lots better before she goes in a pool again. Mid-April is a good time to aim for.

T’s workmate said her son’s eczema took 6 weeks to clear up, so that works.

#WeWillNeedToBuyHerNewSwimmingStuffAsSheHasProbablyAlreadyOutgrownTheStuffThatSheWentSwimmingInOnce

Great.

#AlsoAroundTheTimeIndoorBabyClassesAreDueToResume

Hurrahhhh. Outdoor classes are allowed to resume before then, though I thought that they counted as support groups and were allowed to go on anyways? Well, I guess there aren’t many outdoor baby groups at this time of year. Might have a look though…

#OnThe29thMarchWeWillBeAbleToMeetUpWithMorePeopleOutsideOrInPrivateGardens

My younger sister lives not too far away so it’ll be nice for her to be able to come round again or to go to hers.

We see her for walks, but she doesn’t really get to see the real B. She sees a baby who is annoyed at being in a pushchair, so it will be nice for her to see B being more herself. We might get some fake grass for B to crawl around on in the garden.

#SoItIs4AndAHalfWeeksUntilThenAndNearly7UntilIndoorBabyClassesAndSwimming

I hope that people keep following the rules and infection rates don’t go up again…

#InSomeWaysItFeelsAlmostHarderHavingThingsToCountdownToButIGuessItWillBeBetterWhenThereAreLessWeeksToGo

Well, the whole ‘one day at a time’ approach gets weary with nothing to look forward to. Things are still far off but time does go by quickly.

#HopefullyThingsDoNotGetWorseAgain

Fingers crossed.

#TheOtherNightBWasAwakeFrom11To1AndWeJustCouldNotFigureOutWhatWasWrong

We didn’t help things by going in and changing her nappy when it didn’t need to be, then putting cream on, then giving her paracetamol. At one point I had to cuddle B as I felt so bad for her. Yeah, she was probably confused by us sometimes picking her up and sometimes not.

Her skin was still bad then though and she was teething.

Annoyingly there was a talk I wanted to go to last night at midnight. If B hadn’t been sleeping last night it would have been alright, but she slept last night and so I did too-ish.

#ThereIsMeantToBeAn8MonthSleepRegressionAndIThinkSheDoesGetAnnoyedIfSheDoesNotHaveEnoughCrawlingTime #YesterdayIShuffledThingsAboutAndItTookBHalfAnHourToFallAsleepForHerNapBecauseSheProbablyDidNotCrawlEnough

Sometimes I move our walk if we have a call with someone when we usually walk. This is usually always a mistake as then B does not get to crawl much and then takes ages to fall asleep, but I need my walk. I need to just let her have an extra 5/10 mins to crawl once we get home.

#SheHasSleptBetterTheLastTwoNightsThough

Hurrah.

#IAmWorriedThatTheHouseIsTooHotForHerAndItHasBeenFairlyMildAtNight #LastNightIWokeUpAtFourThirtyAsIWasTooHotAndIThoughtITurnedOffHerHeater

I had changed her heater to come on a lot less often and for less time, but obviously I messed it up. I also realised that the night before her heater had been on for an hour and a half at point one instead of half an hour…

#IWentInAtSevenAndItWasStillOnButSheDidNotSeemToMind

Note to self, just turn the on commands off, but keep the off commands on so that it covers mishaps.

#IThinkSheLikesTheHeatButIDoNotWantHerSkinToGetWorse

It’s hard trying to figure out what is best for her.

#TheOtherDayWeWentToThePlaygroundButBCouldNotGoOnTheBabySwingsAs3AdultsWereJustBlockingThem #OneBabyWasJustAsleepInASwingAndAnotherKidWasSometimesInTheSwingAndSometimesNot #ItWouldHaveBeenReallyAwkwardForUsToUseTheOtherSwingAndThereWasNoOneElseThereSoItMustHaveBeenObviousThatWeWereWaiting

Has my blog/project become a place for me to b*tch about other parents and B not getting to go on swings? Yes.

I thought about saying something but they had really blocked the swings and I do worry that they might just tell me to p*ss off.

You’re not supposed to hang out with more than one other adult outside (I think?) so I think they were just using it as a way to chat. I always sound like the pandemic police, but I just want B to go on the swing. I don’t want to awkwardly stand around for 15 minutes for no reason.

Yesterday the swings were in use but we went in and within 2 minutes a swing was free. Great.

#ItJustUpsetsMeAsILikeToThinkIAmConsiderateOfOthersInThePlaygroundButALotOfPeopleDoNotSeemToCare

Going to the swings is our daily bit of freedom. B probably doesn’t even care, but obviously I am very passionate about making sure she gets a fair turn on the swings.

#HoweverWeWentYesterdayAndWhenWeWereLeavingTwoPeopleRushedToOpenTheGateForUsSoThatMadeMeFeelBetterAboutIt

Hurrah for better weather and good people.

#IHaveFinallyBookedToGoToTheDentist #ICanNotRememberTheLastTimeIWentAndMyMaternityExemptionButRunOutSoon #MyTeethAreSoHorribleSoINeedToMakeThemLookABitBetterBeforeMyAppointment

I loved our dentist in London. If I had any problems they could usually fit me in that day or the next week. In Liverpool the dentist was terrible and you had to wait weeks to be seen, then obviously the pandemic started. I feel like my teeth need to be looked at and I might as well go while it costs me nothing.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

B Likes To Hold Onto My Finger When She Eats (26th January 2021)

B holding onto the index finger of my left hand. Both of our hands have food on them.
B Likes To Hold On To My Finger When She Eats (26th January 2021)
 
#BIsStillSleepingWellThoughSomeMorningsSheDoesWakeUpAround5
#YesterdaySheWokeUpAtFourThirtyButWentBackToSleepUntil7
#TodaySheWokeUpAt5AndWasQuietForABitButThenStartedToMakeNoise
#WeDoNotGetHerUpUntilSheHasBeenInHerCotForAtLeast11HoursThough
#HerHeaterBrokeThreeNightsAgoSoWeOrderedANewOne
#ThoughDueToSnowTiagoOnlyManagedToPickItUpYesterdaySoSheHadToMakeDoWithANotSoGreatOne
#WeAlsoFinallyGotABabyMonitorWhichSeemsABitLateAsSheIsEdgingTowards8MonthsOld
#InLiverpoolWeLivedInAFlatWhereSheWasNeverThatFarAwayAndWeCouldAlwaysHearHer
#AtMyNansIfIAmDownstairsIAlwaysHaveToGoToTheBottomOfTheStairsToSeeIfICanHearHerSoThisWillMakeThingsMuchEasier
#IAmLessStressedAboutHerEatingNowThatWeDoNotFeedHerInTheNightAndSheEatsBetterDuringTheDay
#SheTendsToNotEatMuchAtLunchSometimesButIThinkThatIsNormalAsSheAlwaysEatsHerPorridgeAtBreakfastWhichMustBeQuiteFilling
#INeedToRememberToTalkToBMoreAtMealsAsIFeelLikeIAmJustDaydreamingOrDoNotKnowWhatToSayToHer
#ITendToPutMusicOnSoAtLeastISingButHerMealtimesAreAlsoGettingShorterWhichIsGreat
#IAmFeelingLessGuiltyAboutPassingHerToMyNanForABit
#TheyWatchTelevisionTogetherAndMyNanIsReallyGoodAtTalkingToHerAboutWhatIsOnScreen
#IDoWorryThatSheHasTooMuchScreenTimeAlreadyButSomeDaysSheBarelyHasAny
#ThisLockdownIAmGettingMoreIntoOnlineBabyClasses
#LastWeekWeDidOneEveryWeekdayAsItIsNiceForHerToSeeOtherBabies
#IDoWorryThatSheIsMissingOutABitByNotGoingToClassesInRealLifeButWhatAreWeToDo
#IAmReallyNotGoodWithTheLocalWhatsappGroupsThatIAmIn
#OneIsAGroupOfLocalMumsWhoHaveTwoOnlineCallsAWeekButTheyNowBothFallDuringBsNaptimes
#IFeelWeirdAttendingThemWithoutABabyAndWhenBIsAsleepItIsMyTimeToGetThingsDone
#TheOtherNightIHadADreamThatWeWereGoingToPortugalOnHolidayTheNextDayAndIWasSadWhenIWokeUpAndRealisedItWasJustADream
#IAlsoDreamtThatBSuddenlyGrewAllHerTeethAndItWasStrange
#ICanNotReallyImagineHerWithTeeth
#TiagoGetsHisVaccineTodayBecauseOfHisWork
#HeWasOfferedOneAFewWeeksAgoButHisCarWasPlayingUpAndItWasFarAway
#IGuessIWillNotBeGettingOneForAVeryLongTimeAndIGuessBWillBeWaitingLongerIfSheIsEvenAllowedToHaveIt
#WhenTheGovernmentAnnouncedTheNewLockdownIKnewThereWasNoPointThinkingAboutWhenIsItGoingToBeOver
#IAmJustTryingToTakeThingsOneDayAtATimeButTheOtherDayIDidGetABitAnnoyedByItAllAsThereAreSoManyPeopleThatBHasNotMetYetButWhatCanWeDo

#BIsStillSleepingWellThoughSomeMorningsSheDoesWakeUpAround5

Last night was night 10 of sleep training.

#YesterdaySheWokeUpAtFourThirtyButWentBackToSleepUntil7

I thought she would not go back to sleep. We went in to see if she was okay and then she fell asleep. When we got her up her nappy was super heavy, so I felt like we should have checked and changed it earlier.

#TodaySheWokeUpAt5AndWasQuietForABitButThenStartedToMakeNoise

T went in to check on her and changed her nappy. It wasn’t even heavy. She didn’t go back to sleep… Tomorrow we will just leave it until we get up unless it smells bad.

#WeDoNotGetHerUpUntilSheHasBeenInHerCotForAtLeast11HoursThough

And then we start her wake window from the time that we get her up. This means that sometimes she is awake for 4+ hours before naptime, but today she wasn’t that annoyed about it. The first wake window should be 2 hours 45 – 3 hours, so I put her down after 2 hours 45.

I do not mind her getting up at 6 now though as we have usually had a good sleep and it means her naps will be longer so I can get things done, or have a rest.

It’s just annoying when she wakes up at 4.30 or 5 and doesn’t go back to sleep as I can not sleep if she is crying. Hopefully soon she’ll realise that ‘okay if they’re not going me up then I need to go back to sleep’. Let’s see!

#HerHeaterBrokeThreeNightsAgoSoWeOrderedANewOne

If you missed it – the first night of sleep training didn’t go great, but we think it was because she was too cold. The heater on a timer has been great.

#ThoughDueToSnowTiagoOnlyManagedToPickItUpYesterdaySoSheHadToMakeDoWithANotSoGreatOne

We were going to get it delivered, but the delivery slot was after she would have gone to bed so T was going to see if he could pick it up. It just kept snowing… Yesterday Tiago dug his car out and went out.

I was a bit anxious about using the other heater, but it was fine.

#WeAlsoFinallyGotABabyMonitorWhichSeemsABitLateAsSheIsEdgingTowards8MonthsOld

As we were ordering the heater I thought we should just order a monitor and be done with it. We were dragging out making a decision for far too long.

In the end it was between two, but we couldn’t click and collect on one of them so that made it an easier choice.

#InLiverpoolWeLivedInAFlatWhereSheWasNeverThatFarAwayAndWeCouldAlwaysHearHer

Our little office was the room next to the bedroom so you could hear her easily.

#AtMyNansIfIAmDownstairsIAlwaysHaveToGoToTheBottomOfTheStairsToSeeIfICanHearHerSoThisWillMakeThingsMuchEasier

Tiago’s office is now below her room so he can hear her well, but he is often on a work call and if I am in the kitchen then it is annoying having to go and check on her. Now I can be more relaxed when I’m downstairs.

We don’t have it turned on if we’re asleep as we can hear her well from our room if she is properly crying. I had the monitor with me while I was brushing my teeth downstairs last night and I can see how people can get quite obsessed with watching the monitor…

#IAmLessStressedAboutHerEatingNowThatWeDoNotFeedHerInTheNightAndSheEatsBetterDuringTheDay

Before I was just worried about whether she was getting enough to eat, so we would feed her in the night. Now I know that she can go for 12+ hours without being fed I am a bit more relaxed.

#SheTendsToNotEatMuchAtLunchSometimesButIThinkThatIsNormalAsSheAlwaysEatsHerPorridgeAtBreakfastWhichMustBeQuiteFilling

I looked at different feeding schedules, but I decided that she should have about 3.5 to 4 hours between each solid meal. The porridge is definitely filling so it’s best to push lunch a little later, then she has dinner about 3 and a half hours after, and then milk before bed. She also has some milk when she wakes up, then porridge a couple of hours after.

#INeedToRememberToTalkToBMoreAtMealsAsIFeelLikeIAmJustDaydreamingOrDoNotKnowWhatToSayToHer

I wrote the hashtags this morning when Tiago had her for a little bit.

I gave her breakfast an hour-ish ago and I made an effort to talk to her more.

#ITendToPutMusicOnSoAtLeastISingButHerMealtimesAreAlsoGettingShorterWhichIsGreat

We had Madonna on this morning. Sometimes I am always skipping artists and tracks and I accidentally call B Alexa… She probably does think that is her name.

#IAmFeelingLessGuiltyAboutPassingHerToMyNanForABit #TheyWatchTelevisionTogetherAndMyNanIsReallyGoodAtTalkingToHerAboutWhatIsOnScreen

Though I can not work while Nan has her. Yesterday I tried to do a bit of work while I was sat in the same room and it was difficult. This morning I tried to write my blog post. Nope. So in future I’ll just stick to tidying up or cooking while Nan has her.

#IDoWorryThatSheHasTooMuchScreenTimeAlreadyButSomeDaysSheBarelyHasAny

I was trying to take this photo of B holding my hand/finger and B just wanted to grab my phone. In the end I had to call Tiago in to distract her. He showed her some Portuguese kids songs and she went off into her own world.

Once the weather gets warmer and we can go out for as many walks as we want I just want to be outside with B as much as possible. For now it’s winter and we’re locked down so our options are limited.

#ThisLockdownIAmGettingMoreIntoOnlineBabyClasses

I think B was too young when I was doing them in Liverpool and the classes were quite long.

#LastWeekWeDidOneEveryWeekdayAsItIsNiceForHerToSeeOtherBabies

The classes are around 30 minutes and B has a longer attention span now. She rarely needs to have a nappy changed in class and she doesn’t need feeding, so it’s a lot easier.

#IDoWorryThatSheIsMissingOutABitByNotGoingToClassesInRealLifeButWhatAreWeToDo

At in real life classes she’d just look around at everyone. She doesn’t know that her life should be different than this which is good. Kudos to those home-schooling and looking after kids who know how life used to be.

#IAmReallyNotGoodWithTheLocalWhatsappGroupsThatIAmIn

I rarely say anything. I find them stressful to read at times and they’re just a distraction.

#OneIsAGroupOfLocalMumsWhoHaveTwoOnlineCallsAWeekButTheyNowBothFallDuringBsNaptimes #IFeelWeirdAttendingThemWithoutABabyAndWhenBIsAsleepItIsMyTimeToGetThingsDone

I’d like to get to know them, but the group was originally for walks and they’re not running at the moment. Hopefully when they run we can try to meet them, but B might be asleep then too. I guess at some point I’ll just have to propose having a meeting at some other time and/or I should tell them that B sleeps during those times.

For now I’d rather keep my me time for me. B is awake so much during the day that we can chat to people then.

#TheOtherNightIHadADreamThatWeWereGoingToPortugalOnHolidayTheNextDayAndIWasSadWhenIWokeUpAndRealisedItWasJustADream

I was quite gutted.

#IAlsoDreamtThatBSuddenlyGrewAllHerTeethAndItWasStrange #ICanNotReallyImagineHerWithTeeth

I really can’t imagine B with teeth, I can’t imagine her crawling (it will be soon I’m sure), I can’t imagine B walking (she loves standing on her feet though), and I can’t imagine B talking.

#TiagoGetsHisVaccineTodayBecauseOfHisWork #HeWasOfferedOneAFewWeeksAgoButHisCarWasPlayingUpAndItWasFarAway

He would have had to go to the outskirts of London for it. He only has to go about 20 minutes away now which is better.

#IGuessIWillNotBeGettingOneForAVeryLongTimeAndIGuessBWillBeWaitingLongerIfSheIsEvenAllowedToHaveIt

I wonder when they’ll both get their next vaccines. I hope Nan gets hers soon.

#WhenTheGovernmentAnnouncedTheNewLockdownIKnewThereWasNoPointThinkingAboutWhenIsItGoingToBeOver

As in I was thinking it would be a long way away.

#IAmJustTryingToTakeThingsOneDayAtATimeButTheOtherDayIDidGetABitAnnoyedByItAllAsThereAreSoManyPeopleThatBHasNotMetYetButWhatCanWeDo

Basically we just have to sit and wait. Yeah it’s annoying, but we’re lucky that we’re okay. It is weird when I suddenly realise how long this has been going on for, but odd to think that people were going away on holiday in the summer too. This is the longest that I haven’t been out of the country in a very long time. I guess last year was the first year that Tiago hadn’t been in Portugal for the first time in his life (I’ll have to check with him about that). I’d just like to go swimming…


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I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)
 
#IAmNotAMorningPersonAndMotherhoodIsTryingDesperatelyToTurnMeIntoOne
#BKeepsWakingUpALotAtNightAtTheMoment
#IThinkItIsBecauseOfTeethingButWeTryToSettleHerForAbout30MinutesBeforeWeResortToFeedingHer
#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier
#AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning
#YesterdayIGotACallFromThePostNatalSupportServiceThatMyHealthVisitorReferredMeTo
#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea
#IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4
#WellNowEnglandHasAnotherLockdownAgain
#IDoubtWeWillHaveABabyClassInPersonAnytimeSoonButIThinkItIsForTheBest
#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine
#TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon
#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe
#IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers
#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB
#TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt
#SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe
#SheSaidINeedToStopBeingSoHardOnMyselfAndToStopOverthinkingSoMuch
#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay
#IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse
#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup
#IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats
#WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell
#IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow
#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn
#EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll
#HavingASmallHumanHasJustPutANewLightOnALotOfThingsThatIWantToFixAboutMyself
#FromTheCallIFeelLikeIAmDoingALotOfThingsRightButIJustNeedToPracticeSomeMoreSelfCareAndSelfLove
#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne
#ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

#IAmNotAMorningPersonAndMotherhoodIsTryingDesperatelyToTurnMeIntoOne

I have not done a shoot yet, but I imagine myself looking tired as hell.

(I don’t look too bad actually, but I had been up for a few hours…)

#BKeepsWakingUpALotAtNightAtTheMoment

We need to start the sleep training that we have been on about for ages.

#IThinkItIsBecauseOfTeethingButWeTryToSettleHerForAbout30MinutesBeforeWeResortToFeedingHer

It is really hard to know what to do – maybe she is just hungry? She is eating quite a bit at meals at the moment, but maybe it’s not enough?

(Spoiler for future blog posts: We finally started it – hello night 9 tonight – and it’s been great to sleep. B hasn’t had a night feed since we started. Why did we not do it before? I also do not mind the mornings so much if I have slept well. Hurrah!)

#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier #AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning

Though last night I did put my book down at 10.45pm. I started reading quite late as my brain could not relax.

I’m currently reading Bridget Jones’s Diary as I have never read it before, and it is an easy read.

#YesterdayIGotACallFromThePostNatalSupportServiceThatMyHealthVisitorReferredMeTo

I just remembered that someone is calling me soon again – at the time when B is due to wake up.

#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea #IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4

I was feeling good so I didn’t think that she needed to check on me anyways.

#WellNowEnglandHasAnotherLockdownAgain

Things change fast.

#IDoubtWeWillHaveABabyClassInPersonAnytimeSoonButIThinkItIsForTheBest

Though they are supposed to be allowed to happen as they are support groups, but a lot of the venues are waiting for more clarification.

#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine #TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon

I felt like Nan was going out too much before as she was so bored. Now she is a bit scared, which is sad but I am glad that she seems less keen to go out now – especially as she will hopefully have the vaccine soon.

#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe #IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers

I have lost count of how many of these questionnaires I have done over the years.

#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB #TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt #SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe

I definitely have a lot of guilt these days. Even this morning I felt bad as when I was with B my brain was just thinking in hashtags…

#SheSaidINeedToStopBeingSoHardOnMyselfAndToStopOverthinkingSoMuch

I am an overthinker for sure.

#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay #IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse

I have been saying lately that I am so negative. I ran out of hashtags before I could name two positive things, but I know that we are lucky. Tiago still has a job, we are living in a nice, warm house and B does seem healthy.

#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup #IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats #WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell #IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow

I won’t be talking about the group much in future, except for probably saying how awkward I feel. No I won’t – I’ll be being positive!

It’s a confidential group so yeah what happens in the group stays in the group.

#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn #EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll

I remember going to CBT while doing my Neblina project and the guy said I had low self-esteem. I felt like a fraud with all of my work that I do and I was quite annoyed about it. However, he was right and I still need to work on it a lot.

#HavingASmallHumanHasJustPutANewLightOnALotOfThingsThatIWantToFixAboutMyself

Happy Mum, happy baby.

#FromTheCallIFeelLikeIAmDoingALotOfThingsRightButIJustNeedToPracticeSomeMoreSelfCareAndSelfLove

What happened to the mother of the one month old doing face masks? I need to find her again.

I wish I could have bottled the hormones I had a week after B was born. I felt so high and confident – I could have taken on the world. I really miss that version of me. I feel like that was the real me deep down under the layers of stress, guilt and shame.

#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne #ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

Luckily I didn’t break the law yesterday as I did not feel up to two walks.

Let’s see how long this goes on for… the lockdown that is.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Dancing To Madonna And Kylie (10th November 2020)

Me dancing at home
Dancing To Madonna And Kylie (10th November 2020)
 
#ErghIFeelQuiteSickNow
#ThisWasGoingToBeJustCalledDancingToMadonnaAsIWasDancingToDressYouUp
#ButInYourEyesByKylieSnuckIntoMyHead
#YeahIWasNotActuallyPlayingTheMusic
#BIsAsleepNowAndIDoNotWantToRiskWakingHerUp
#IThoughtAboutUsingTiagosHeadphonesButIThoughtIShouldBeAbleToHearBIfSheWakesUp
#IAmTryingToBeMorePositiveAboutThingsEvenIfIDidWakeUpThisMorningFeelingAwful
#AndIDidHaveACryThisAfternoon
#IWokeBUpFromANapTodayByPlayingMadonnaAndDancingAndSingingAlongToIt
#IThenWentToGetHerWhenSheWokeUpFromANapAndIDidTheSameThing
#IWasPlayingCelebrationOnThoseOccasions
#ButIHaveBeenDoingALotOfNappyChangesAndFlannelWashesToDressYouUpRecently
#ThoughMaybeThatSongIsNotAppropriateToSingToABaby
#IHaveEnjoyedPlayingPapaDontPreachToHerAsILikeTheLineAboutHerNotBeingABaby
#AndThenISayButYouAre
#HaHaHa
#YouHaveGotToGetYourKicksAndLaughsSomehowDuringTheseWeirdTimes
#IStillFeelSick
#ITriedToGetBAnAppointmentForTheDoctorsAsIThinkSheMightHaveSomethingWrongWithHerEyes
#TheyHadNoAppointmentsForTodayAndAnotherPlaceDidNotAnswerSoIWillSeeHowSheIsTomorrow
#HerBottomEyelashesSeemToBeGrowingUpwards
#ButApparentlyThisIsNormalAndWillBeCorrectedAsSheGetsMoreFatInHerLowerEyelid
#IWasWorriedAboutHerEyesBeingABitGunkyAndHerRubbingThemALot
#TodayIJustFeltBadBecauseOfHerEyesAndTeethingAndBlockedNose
#ItIsAllFunAndGames
#ThisWasSupposedToBeAMorePositiveDiaryEntryOrWhateverThisIs
#WellAPositiveThingIsThatIDidThisShootInMyLittleStudioSlashOfficeRoom
#ItStillNeedsALotMoreOrganisingAndRearrangingButHopefullyICanStartToWorkOnOtherThingsSoon
#ThingsThatDoNotRequireMeToWriteLotsAndLots
#AndLetMeEscapeFromTheMonotonousNatureOfDayToDayLife

#ErghIFeelQuiteSickNow

It’s 10th November and I haven’t chosen a picture from the shoot yet, but there was a lot of fast head turning…

(27th November – I chose this one as I think it really looks like I’ve been caught dancing on a dancefloor somewhere, though I’m just at home with my baby asleep in the next room.)

#ThisWasGoingToBeJustCalledDancingToMadonnaAsIWasDancingToDressYouUp #ButInYourEyesByKylieSnuckIntoMyHead

It’s funny how a song that you haven’t heard in ages just creeps into your head. There was a Kylie question on a quiz show the other day, but I don’t think ‘In Your Eyes’ was mentioned. My sister keeps telling me to listen to her new album, but I’ve only managed to get a couple of songs in so far.

(

27th: Oh, I’ve managed to dance to one of them now. Someone commented ‘horrible’ – I’m guessing about my dancing.

)

Am I going to get sued for using their names in an image title? I don’t think so. I hope not.

#YeahIWasNotActuallyPlayingTheMusic

I’m so cool.

#BIsAsleepNowAndIDoNotWantToRiskWakingHerUp

I’m so sensible.

#IThoughtAboutUsingTiagosHeadphonesButIThoughtIShouldBeAbleToHearBIfSheWakesUp

I’m so responsible.

#IAmTryingToBeMorePositiveAboutThingsEvenIfIDidWakeUpThisMorningFeelingAwful

I just felt ready to crack. Tiago stayed in bed a lot longer today. I tried to do some work and did some stretching, but got back into bed thinking B would wake up 10 minutes later. However, she did have a very long nap.

#AndIDidHaveACryThisAfternoon

I need to start listening to podcasts and things on my daily walk again. I seem to come back from walks feeling worse, when I used to come back feeling better.

#IWokeBUpFromANapTodayByPlayingMadonnaAndDancingAndSingingAlongToIt #IThenWentToGetHerWhenSheWokeUpFromANapAndIDidTheSameThing

I seem to have started this since moving to Birmingham, but maybe I did do it before. Our time in Liverpool feels so long ago now, though it’s only been 2 and a half weeks? Weird.

#IWasPlayingCelebrationOnThoseOccasions

It’s definitely a song for putting you in a good mood. (It’s a Madonna song.)

#ButIHaveBeenDoingALotOfNappyChangesAndFlannelWashesToDressYouUpRecently

I love the choreography in this video – particularly the chorus where her knee comes up and in (yeah, that’s a bad explanation).

#ThoughMaybeThatSongIsNotAppropriateToSingToABaby

Well, I cringe at some of the songs that I used to sing obliviously when I was a kid.

#IHaveEnjoyedPlayingPapaDontPreachToHerAsILikeTheLineAboutHerNotBeingABaby

I always think of the Kelly Osbourne version of this song too and I can see why it seemed like an obvious song choice for her.

#AndThenISayButYouAre #HaHaHa

Yeah, I’m probably the only one laughing at this.

#YouHaveGotToGetYourKicksAndLaughsSomehowDuringTheseWeirdTimes

Exactly.

#IStillFeelSick

I’m still a bit dizzy.

#ITriedToGetBAnAppointmentForTheDoctorsAsIThinkSheMightHaveSomethingWrongWithHerEyes #TheyHadNoAppointmentsForTodayAndAnotherPlaceDidNotAnswerSoIWillSeeHowSheIsTomorrow

Babies are stressful.

#HerBottomEyelashesSeemToBeGrowingUpwards #ButApparentlyThisIsNormalAndWillBeCorrectedAsSheGetsMoreFatInHerLowerEyelid

Hello Doctor Search Engine.

#IWasWorriedAboutHerEyesBeingABitGunkyAndHerRubbingThemALot

This could be from her eyelashes or something else. Great.

#TodayIJustFeltBadBecauseOfHerEyesAndTeethingAndBlockedNose

It just makes me feel terrible.

#ItIsAllFunAndGames

Stress. It’s mainly stress. But then she smiles and I know she can’t be feeling too bad.

#ThisWasSupposedToBeAMorePositiveDiaryEntryOrWhateverThisIs

Me dancing and making myself feel sick, but shaking the tiredness off.

#WellAPositiveThingIsThatIDidThisShootInMyLittleStudioSlashOfficeRoom

Hurrah.

#ItStillNeedsALotMoreOrganisingAndRearrangingButHopefullyICanStartToWorkOnOtherThingsSoon

Well, all of our stuff needs organising and rearranging, but that’ll probably be an ongoing task until we move out. Whenever that is.

#ThingsThatDoNotRequireMeToWriteLotsAndLots

The writing side of this project is therapeutic, but it is a bit much sometimes.

#AndLetMeEscapeFromTheMonotonousNatureOfDayToDayLife

Again, I love B, but I just wish our days were a bit different. I’ve looked at going to some baby classes, so hopefully we might be able to soon. I’m so used to her schedule now though that I’m worried about being away from home and getting out of a routine. That’s the problem with not having to deal with randomness or adjustments because we haven’t been able to do much, but we just have to roll with it as we need to get out and live life a bit.

Another positive is that I managed to wash my hair. Hurrah. Shame you can’t see my pyjama bottoms in the picture.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Squeezing Through Doors And Hoping They Don’t Squeak (4th November 2020)

Me squeezed through the door and looking at the camera.
Squeezing Through Doors And Hoping They Don’t Squeak (4th November 2020)
 
#WellMyPeriodHasFinallyRememberedHowToWorkProperlyWhichIsABitAnnoying
#IWasHopingThatIWouldGetAwayWithItForABitLongerButAtLeastTheyDoNotSeemAsPainfulAsTheyUsedToBe
#PerhapsMyBodyKnowsThatIAmNotBreastfeedingSoMuch
#BIsHavingUpTo3FormulaFeedsADayNowAndTheRestOfTheTimeIBreastfeedHerOrGiveHerExpressedMilk
#IAmWorriedThatMaybeIAmOverfeedingHerButBeforeIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnough
#SheIsRarelySickThoughAndTodayIWillDoAWeaningClassSoWeWillStartThatSoon
#TheLastCoupleOfNightsIHaveHadToSqueezeThroughASqueakyBathroomDoorToGetToMyPads
#IHaveToBeCarefulThatItDoesNotWakeBUpAsIEdgeItOpenLittleByLittle
#LastNightSheSleptThroughTheNightForWhatFeltLikeTheFirstTimeInAges
#WeHadNotGivenHerParacetamolInAFewDaysButSheWasDribblingSoMuchYesterday
#AndSheWasQuiteHappyToChompDownOnMyFingerForALongTime
#ThoughSheSleptIStillWokeUpQuiteRegularlyButLuckilyISeemAbleToGoBackToSleepPrettyQuick
#SheIsAsleepNowButIKeepThinkingThatICanHearHer
#IThinkMyBrainSometimesImaginesBabyCries
#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAboutHerHoarseVoice
#TheyCalledBackAtTheEndOfTheDayAndHeSaidJustToKeepMonitoringHerForAWeek
#ISaidItIsDifficultToDoTheAppointmentOverThePhoneAsSheDoesNotMakeSoundsOnCue
#IPreferThePhoneAppointmentsButSometimesInPersonSeemsBetter
#SheSeemsQuiteHappyThoughReallyConsideringThatSheIsUnderTheWeatherAndIsTeethingAndIsHavingADevelopmentalLeap
#TiagoTookTheDayOffWorkTodayToGoBackAndDoOneLastCleanOfOurFlatInLiverpool
#LastTimeHeLeftHomeBefore8amAndGotBackAt10pmAndHeStillHadNotFinished
#IWillBeGladWhenTodayIsOverSoThatWeCanFocusOnUnpackingThisWeekend
#WithEnglandGoingIntoASecondLockdownTomorrowIAmGladWeMovedWhenWeDid
#ThoughMovingIntoSomeoneElsesHomePresentsNewChallenges
#IFeelLikeThisProjectWillGetLessHonestAsIFeelUnableToTalkAboutEverythingAsIDoNotWantToAppearUngrateful
#IThinkSoonIWillDropThisProjectDownToOneShootAWeekUnlessAnythingMajorHappens
#OurDaysArePrettyMuchTheSame
#IAmJustObsessivelyTryingToFollowAScheduleForHerAndWorkingIfICanWhenSheSleeps
#ThoughDuringOneOfHerNapsITakeHerForAWalkWhichICurrentlyJustDaydreamThroughAsICanNotFindMyEarphones
#IWouldLikeToMakeSomeWorkWhereICanEscapeFromTheMonotomyOfOurLives

I wrote this on 4th November and forgot what an overshare it might have been…

#WellMyPeriodHasFinallyRememberedHowToWorkProperlyWhichIsABitAnnoying #IWasHopingThatIWouldGetAwayWithItForABitLongerButAtLeastTheyDoNotSeemAsPainfulAsTheyUsedToBe

I am hoping it stays this way.

#PerhapsMyBodyKnowsThatIAmNotBreastfeedingSoMuch

It has coincided with the first week of more formula feeds, but it could be a coincidence?

#BIsHavingUpTo3FormulaFeedsADayNowAndTheRestOfTheTimeIBreastfeedHerOrGiveHerExpressedMilk

Apparently some women breastfeed and get their periods straight away?

My feeding schedule does vary a bit at the moment, but for example today so far it’s been breastfeed, formula, breastfeed, formula… and I am planning to try to breastfeed next, then a bottle of expressed milk for the dream feed.

#IAmWorriedThatMaybeIAmOverfeedingHerButBeforeIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnough #SheIsRarelySickThoughSoMaybeSheIsHungrierTheseDays

With breastfeeding it is hard to know how much she is getting. With formula I know it is 210ml, then with feeding expressed milk it’s usually around 100ml.

#ThisImageIsAboutTheFactThatTheLastCoupleOfNightsIHaveHadToSqueezeThroughASqueakyBathroomDoorToGetToMyPads #IHaveToBeCarefulThatItDoesNotWakeBUpAsIEdgeItOpenLittleByLittle

The night my period arrived, T and B were already in bed so I was trying to rummage around to find them. The next day I realised they were in the bathroom, but when I needed a new one the bathroom door was closed.

It made me laugh trying to open it a little bit then trying to squeeze through and repeat. Last night I realised the door was closed again, so I had to do the same thing and noted the shoot idea down.

Writing this I realise that I need to make sure I move them out of the bathroom…

#LastNightSheSleptThroughTheNightForWhatFeltLikeTheFirstTimeInAges

Giving her formula so late in the day means that her nappy is always super heavy in the night. I end up changing it at 2am or whatever which upsets her and then I have to feed her.

#WeHadNotGivenHerParacetamolInAFewDaysButSheWasDribblingSoMuchYesterday #AndSheWasQuiteHappyToChompDownOnMyFingerForALongTime

It is so hard to know if she is in pain or not. I was cautious about giving her it as someone said that some parents just use it to make their kids drowsy, so I worry about using it for no reason. Pain might be why she hasn’t been sleeping through the night though…

#ThoughSheSleptIStillWokeUpQuiteRegularlyButLuckilyISeemAbleToGoBackToSleepPrettyQuick

It takes me so long to fall asleep at first as my brain is overthinking thing, but usually I do fall asleep quickly during the night.

#SheIsAsleepNowButIKeepThinkingThatICanHearHer #IThinkMyBrainSometimesImaginesBabyCries

I am writing this during her last nap of the day and I keep think I can hear her again. She went down too easily for this time of the day…

#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAboutHerHoarseVoice #TheyCalledBackAtTheEndOfTheDayAndHeSaidJustToKeepMonitoringHerForAWeek

I feel like today she hasn’t made that much noise, but it does seem to be getting a little bit better.

#ISaidItIsDifficultToDoTheAppointmentOverThePhoneAsSheDoesNotMakeSoundsOnCue

He got a bit annoyed at me saying that it is hard over the phone. I said I understand why they’re on the phone… I still haven’t heard from the health visitor yet. It will be good when they finally visit, though I am nervous.

#IPreferThePhoneAppointmentsButSometimesInPersonSeemsBetter

It’d be nice for her just to be checked over and so that I know everything is okay.

I am nervous that I might get told off for whatever reason though.

#SheSeemsQuiteHappyThoughReallyConsideringThatSheIsUnderTheWeatherAndIsTeethingAndIsHavingADevelopmentalLeap

She’s a bit clingy and I have to rush to do things sometimes, but she does seem okay.

#TiagoTookTheDayOffWorkTodayToGoBackAndDoOneLastCleanOfOurFlatInLiverpool #LastTimeHeLeftHomeBefore8amAndGotBackAt10pmAndHeStillHadNotFinished

Bless him. I feel bad that I can’t help him. It’s 5pm now and he thinks he’ll be there until 7pm at least. He left at around 7am…

#IWillBeGladWhenTodayIsOverSoThatWeCanFocusOnUnpackingThisWeekend

I really just want to have some things put away and to sort through our stuff, and to have some space to make work.

#WithEnglandGoingIntoASecondLockdownTomorrowIAmGladWeMovedWhenWeDid

Maybe it will only be 4 weeks, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is much longer.

#ThoughMovingIntoSomeoneElsesHomePresentsNewChallenges

I feel like perhaps this project won’t be as honest as it usually is. Well, it’ll still be honest but I feel unable to talk about some things as I don’t want to be seen as ungrateful.

It’s a difficult time for everyone right now in some way. For me I think I would feel a lot better if I could just have more conversations with people face to face and go to baby classes.

#INowKnowWithParentsThatItIsBestNotToGiveAdviceUnlessTheyAskForItAndIGuessTheSameAppliesForAllPeopleAndSubjects

Perhaps this a polite way of saying that I do not like being made to feel that I am a bad parent and that I do not know what is wrong with my child. It might not be their intention when they say things, but that is how it makes me feel.

#IThinkSoonIWillDropThisProjectDownToOneShootAWeekUnlessAnythingMajorHappens

The writing side of this takes up so much time. I could change it, but I feel like I am letting myself down in some way.

#OurDaysArePrettyMuchTheSame #IAmJustObsessivelyTryingToFollowAScheduleForHerAndWorkingIfICanWhenSheSleeps

I seem to have things to talk about, but I am sure some weeks nothing much will happen. Perhaps I just need to shorten my writing at times?

#ThoughDuringOneOfHerNapsITakeHerForAWalkWhichICurrentlyJustDaydreamThroughAsICanNotFindMyEarphonesToListenToThings

It is quite nice to actually not listen to anything and just let my brain be free for a bit. I don’t really do it enough.

Today I saw a few women with pushchairs/prams. I wanted to talk to them, but I didn’t want them to think I was weird.

#IWouldLikeToMakeSomeWorkWhereICanEscapeFromTheMonotomyOfOurLives

I don’t know when I can make a dance video again. Maybe next week? I just need to make space for it, or just totally change how I do them.

This project is too involved with scrutinising what I am doing and how things are. I need to have some art fun…


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Third Family Portrait (2nd October 2020)

(I wrote this on 2nd October 2020, whilst dancing in my chair to You Know Me Better by Róisín Murphy on repeat. I haven’t listened to music properly in a while and it feels really good.

I’ve been making a big batch of dance videos every 2 weeks now and I’m looking forward to hopefully making some more tomorrow.)

<19th October – I made some, but I’m not sure if it was the next day. I am planning to dance to a new Róisín Murphy song in my next bath of videos.

I’ve been trying to post this all day, but I just haven’t had the time. I’m hoping that I can now while B is supposed to be having a catnap, but I can hear her making noise…>

Me dancing to the song, whilst 3 months pregnant…

Anyways…

I think this photo sums up our family quite well in some way. Me looking at the camera, and Tiago and B not. It almost looks like two photos have been edited together or something.

Third Family Portrait (2nd October 2020)
 
#WhoopsICanNotBelieveItHasBeenAMonthAndAHalfSinceTheLastFamilyPortrait
#WeHadPlannedToDoItEarlierInTheDayButInTheEndItWasGettingLateAndBWasGettingRestless
#TypicallyIHadToldSomeoneThatHerSleepingWasNotThatBadAndThenSheTookAgesToSettleAtBedtime
#HerBedtimeIsUsuallyBetween7And8WithADreamFeedAround10
#AndTheLastFewNightsIHaveNotFedHerUntil7InTheMorning
#ThoughSheNormallyWakesUpQuiteABit
#LastNightSheWokeUpLessButIStillFeltLikeIHadOnlySleptFor5Minutes
#IHaveBeenHavingANapEverydayLately
#IAmNotSureIfItIsParentingTheWeatherLifeOrEverything
#IThinkMyPeriodMayHaveStarted
#IHaveNotHadOneSinceSeptember2019AndTypicallyWeAreGoingSwimmingTomorrow
#IWasHopingToGoWithoutThemForABitLonger
#YesterdayTiagoCommentedThatBWasLookingABitTooBigInHerBassinet
#SoLastNightIAssembledTheChairElementOfHerPushchairAndSheWentInItForTheFirstTimeToday
#NewRulesGotAnnouncedForLiverpool
#NoMeetingUpWithOtherPeopleInsideForAnyReason
#AndMeetingUpOutsideIsNotRecommended
#TheNotRecommendedStuffIsABitAnnoying
#EitherWeAreAllowedOrWeAreNot
#AnywaysWeWentToTheCityCentreTodayToGetFalafelWraps
#IFoundTheWholeExperienceSoStressfulThatIWillNotBeWalkingThereAgainAnytimeSoon
#PeopleDoNotCareAboutSocialDistancingAndIJustFeltAnxiousTheWholeTime
#ItWasTooColdToEatOutsideSoWeWalkedHomeWithThem
#TiagoAteHisWhilstIFedBAndAfterAWhileIWasSoHungryThatIDecidedToEatItOverHer
#YesterdayWeAlsoStartedToPutHerInHer3To6MonthsOnesies
#SheHasALotOfTheSamePatternsAsHer0To3MonthsOnes
#SheHadANiceNewOneOnTodayAndIGotFalafelWrapJuiceAllOverIt
#CleverMe
#IAskedTiagoIfHeHadAnythingToSayWithTheHashtagsButHeSaidNo
#IAmNotLookingForwardToHimGoingBackToWorkNextWeek

#WhoopsICanNotBelieveItHasBeenAMonthAndAHalfSinceTheLastFamilyPortrait

Time just flies by. I honestly thought we had already taken a third one, and I was trying to remember the image as I could only remember the second one that we took in August.

#WeHadPlannedToDoItEarlierInTheDayButInTheEndItWasGettingLateAndBWasGettingRestless

T said we could try again tomorrow when ‘we’re all clean and stuff’, but I’m sure one of them will do, and I want this project to be an accurate portrayal of how we look day to day.

#TypicallyIHadToldSomeoneThatHerSleepingWasNotThatBadAndThenSheTookAgesToSettleAtBedtime

I think she got overtired. We follow a schedule, but it just gets a bit messy around bedtime and I usually end up feeding her twice in that awake period.

<Her second nap was unusually bad today. I wonder if she is teething or something.

I had to go and check on her as she is definitely not sleeping now. I only want her to sleep for 20-30 minutes, but it takes more than that to try to get her to sleep at times…>

#HerBedtimeIsUsuallyBetween7And8WithADreamFeedAround10 #AndTheLastFewNightsIHaveNotFedHerUntil7InTheMorning #ThoughSheNormallyWakesUpQuiteABit #LastNightSheWokeUpLessButIStillFeltLikeIHadOnlySleptFor5Minutes

Some nights it feels like I’m up every hour settling her; last night I only woke up twice.

The second time Tiago was awake too and he said that she did one cry and I sat upright straight away. I had assumed that she had been crying for a while and I had only just woken up.

I always feel tired…

<I’ve got B up – the catnap was a failure, so I’ll just feed her shortly and then put her to bed early. T is holding her while I finish this and drink some water.

This morning I didn’t have a nap for the first time in ages, as it’s usually when she naps the best so it’s a good time to get stuff done.>

#IHaveBeenHavingANapEverydayLately

And not feeling bad about it.

#IAmNotSureIfItIsParentingTheWeatherLifeOrEverything

To be fair the coding course is quite mentally tiring, plus everything else. The weather is colder and it is getting darker earlier, which just makes me want to hibernate. Annoyingly it’s the best time of the day to work – it’s currently 20:44. I did some coding earlier in the day, so I think I will just read my book a little tonight instead. Exciting.

#IThinkMyPeriodMayHaveStarted

Just a small amount of blood. I am hoping it goes away quick and is just my body preparing for them. Fun times.

*Cue a massive cramp.* Ergh.

#IHaveNotHadOneSinceSeptember2019AndTypicallyWeAreGoingSwimmingTomorrow

My period tracker app says my period is 350+ days late.

It’s not the end of the world obviously, but to not have had one in so long and then have it start when I am going swimming for the first time in an even longer time is just bloody annoying – does that count as a pun or something?

#IWasHopingToGoWithoutThemForABitLonger

I have heard that some women have not had them for a year or so after giving birth because of breastfeeding.

<In the end it was only very light for 2 days, so was that my period? I don’t know. It was probably my body reminding itself how they work.>

#YesterdayTiagoCommentedThatBWasLookingABitTooBigInHerBassinet #SoLastNightIAssembledTheChairElementOfHerPushchairAndSheWentInItForTheFirstTimeToday

I was thinking that maybe we should ‘upgrade’ her, so when I saw that other Mum friends had moved their babies to chairs I knew it was time.

It’s weird not being able to see her so well, but hopefully she will like looking around at people and things. It’s strange putting her in it, but I guess before long it will become normal. She looks nice and snug in it.

<I am still finding it weird. There is a little flap to check on her, but as she is usually wearing a hat I can’t see what she is doing, so I have to peep around the front.

When it’s windy her footmuff blows up at the bottom where she is too short to have her feet at the moment.>

#NewRulesGotAnnouncedForLiverpool #NoMeetingUpWithOtherPeopleInsideForAnyReason

It did seem a bit dumb that I could not see someone at their house, but I could see them in a place full of other people.

#AndMeetingUpOutsideIsNotRecommended

I did not know this. I just found out tonight. Great…

I get it – they can’t just make lots of exceptions, but there are no baby groups, I can’t get support from my family and now I can’t see the few friends that I have in Liverpool. Obviously it affects everyone and not just us, but it is annoying. What can we do though?

#TheNotRecommendedStuffIsABitAnnoying #EitherWeAreAllowedOrWeAreNot

Meeting in restaurants or pubs was not recommended before, which meant some people probably didn’t but others did.

We met a couple of friends for a hot drink outside of a cafe the other day, and saw a friend for a walk last weekend. Good job we saw them as now we’re not supposed to. It’s all a bit frustrating.

<Well, we’re under tier 3 restrictions now, but it does say you can meet outside.>

#AnywaysWeWentToTheCityCentreTodayToGetFalafelWraps

We had wanted to try them from a particular place for a while. I thought we would go today rather than at the weekend as it would not be so busy in town.

#IFoundTheWholeExperienceSoStressfulThatIWillNotBeWalkingThereAgainAnytimeSoon #PeopleDoNotCareAboutSocialDistancingAndIJustFeltAnxiousTheWholeTime

I think having a pushchair makes it more difficult as you can’t just easily get away from people fast. People have no problem walking super close to you.

A preacher guy wasn’t wearing a mask and came so close to me to try to give me a leaflet. I just said ‘No!’ loudly as I was so freaked out by him coming close to me. I think he made a ‘Ooh’ sound back or something.

#ItWasTooColdToEatOutsideSoWeWalkedHomeWithThem

We just wanted to get home and B needed to be fed.

#TiagoAteHisWhilstIFedBAndAfterAWhileIWasSoHungryThatIDecidedToEatItOverHer

She usually eats for about 30 minutes and I was so hungry.

#YesterdayWeAlsoStartedToPutHerInHer3To6MonthsOnesies #SheHasALotOfTheSamePatternsAsHer0To3MonthsOnes

I remember when the 0-3 months ones were too big on her, but now they’re quite snug so it’s funny seeing her in oversized clothes again.

#SheHadANiceNewOneOnTodayAndIGotFalafelWrapJuiceAllOverIt

Typical.

<She wore another one for the first time the other day and made a mess of it pretty quickly.>

#CleverMe

I should have known it was going to happen. I should have put a tea towel over her… Fail.

#IAskedTiagoIfHeHadAnythingToSayInTheHashtagsButHeSaidNo

He is the man of many words.

#IAmNotLookingForwardToHimGoingBackToWorkNextWeek

I just want us to hang out together as a family all day everyday…


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Stir-Crazy, Sore Boob (24th September 2020)

Me clutching a breast ice pack to my boob and looking a bit miserable
Stir-Crazy, Sore Boob (24th September 2020)
 
#IWasSoOverItThatINearlyDidNotBotherCarryingOnWithTheShoot
#IWasSoFedUpThatIAlmostDidNotBotherToWriteTheseHashtags
#ItIsOnlyThreeDaysIntoTheNewLocalLockdownAndIAmAlreadyGoingStirCrazy
#ItIsNotLikeIWasDoingMuchAnyways
#ButJustBeingAbleToSeeMyFamilyAndThingsMadeThingsABitBetter
#INeedToFeelSomeSenseOfANormalLifeAgain
#IJustFeelStuckAndFrustrated
#IAmGratefulToBeAMotherWhichIFeelTheNeedToKeepSayingThisAsIKnowHowSomePeopleWantParenthoodSoMuch
#IDoLikeBeingAMotherButIDidNotChooseToBecomeAMotherDuringAPandemic
#WhenIGoToBedAtNightNowICanNotWaitToPlayWithBInTheMorning
#AndIFeelLikeIMissHerThoughSheIsNotEvenHalfAMetreAwayFromMeInHerCot
#TheProblemIsBeingAMotherInATimeWhenICanNotReallyHangOutWithAnyoneElseOrGoToBabyClasses
#IBoughtSwimmingStuffForHerTheOtherDayAsTIsOffWorkNextWeek
#ButAllTheFamilySwimmingSlotsAreFullAtTheMomentAsOnlyTwoOrThreeFamiliesCanBeInThePoolAtOneTime
#ITotallyUnderstandWhyWeHaveLockdownAndIAgreeWithIt
#ButIAmAlsoAllowedToBeAnnoyedByThisWholeSituation
#OurOriginalPlanForNextWeekWasToGoAndSpendTimeWithMyFamily
#NowItIsLookingLikeTheWeatherWillBeCrapAndWeWillProbablyBeStuckInTheFlatForMostOfTheWeek
#TiagoSaysWeCanJustWatchFilmsAndEatNiceFood
#ThatWouldBeGoodButIAlsoHopeThatWeCanGoOutForWalksAndThings
#MyDailyHighlightAtTheMomentIsWatchingAFilmWhilstIFeedB
#UsuallySplitAcrossThreeFeedsAroundTenOneAndFour
#ButYeahOneBoobIsSoreAndIAmWorriedItIsMastitis
#BeforeMyNipplesWereSoSoreThatItUpsetMeAndIDidNotLookForwardToFeedingHer
#NowMyBoobFeelsBruisedAndHorribleSoINeedToKeepAnEyeOnIt
#IWillCallTheDoctorsIfItDoesNotFeelBetterByTomorrow
#TypicallyWhenBSleepsForLongerIPayForItWithMyBoobs
#SheWokeUpAFewTimesInTheNightButIGotHerUpAtFiveThirtyWhenSheNeededToBeChanged
#WeBothHadALongNapAfterwardsAndIDidNotFeelBadAboutIt
#LaterInTheDayIRealisedThatMyBoobWasProbablyJustBruisedFromTurningUpThePumpSettingOnMyPumpTheDayBefore

Apologies, my pictures look all the same. I feel like there is not much else I can do at the moment.

I do not even feel like writing about these hashtags much today (24th September) as they kind of say what I want to say.

I somehow feel like I am letting myself down by not expanding on them like I usually do, but there really isn’t much more to say about it.

(And then I said a hundred and one things below.)

I don’t mean to whine all the time, but I guess this is a way of venting through everything. This is why my work is therapeutic. I’m sure some people are making happy work through lockdown, but I am guessing my mood in these posts is also the general mood, right?

I guess things are different if you’re off out at pubs and not worrying anymore about getting it. I think I shouldn’t worry so much, but what if one of us got it and we weren’t okay? I don’t really want to have to deal with the after symptoms that I hear of either. I don’t want it.

I’m not sure what we would be doing if there was not a pandemic.

I guess we’d be planning to visit Tiago’s family so they could meet B.

We’d probably have gone to the supermarket as a family by now. That sounds so dull, but I have not been into a big supermarket since before lockdown. I went to a little one once, but it was too stressful. Now I am thinking I should avoid shops for a while.

I want to take B to the library, but it just seems like it is a bit of a germ factory. There would be events on there (if there wasn’t a pandemic) that I could take her too.

I’d take her to classes at the nearest children’s centre, so I could meet more local mums and feel a bit more human. T is great to live with and super supportive, but I need more human contact. He also is missing speaking to his friends and more people in real life.

Like I said I hope that we can take her swimming soon as that will at least be something different, and Tiago and I both like swimming. We hope she does too.

(12th October – We did take her swimming; it felt good to do something different. We are hoping to take her again soon, but new rules come in today that means gyms will close – I hope this does not include pools.)

I am worried about how the winter will be if I already feel like this now. It gets cold here and I don’t want us all to be sat at home running up massive heating bills, though we probably will have to accept that will be the case – at least we’re not spending money on much else.

My main focus right now should be keeping B happy; if she’s happy then I’m happy-ish.

I don’t know what I would be doing now if we didn’t have her, I’d probably still be going stir crazy but about other things.

25th September:

Well, I feel a lot better after having a good old whine yesterday.

Regarding my boob I think actually I just bruised it. The day before I had increased the power on the pump setting (it has two – one for massage, and then pump) of my pump. I hadn’t used it for at least two months because it left me feeling sore, but for some reason I felt the need to use it the other day.

I just got super stressed because I was feeling so down.

Thinking about why I’m feeling so down – this time lockdown is different for me. Before I had the countdown of B’s birth to look forward to, but now we don’t have anything to count down to. We don’t have any trips planned and now we can’t even visit my family, so we’re just stuck here for now.

This isn’t what I thought initial motherhood would be like. I thought I would finally have the time to visit more local places and go to baby groups and meet new people.

I just feel bad for B, as going to groups and stuff would be more stimulating for her than just being stuck at home or going for a daily walk (when she should be sleeping, but she doesn’t seem to).

I’m doing my best to entertain her during play time, but it’s just getting a bit repetitive. I try to mix it up, but my enthusiasm is low some days. I guess at this point she doesn’t need that much stimulation and we are just working on building her strength and introducing her to whatever we can.

I guess it is annoying that I could go to a pub or restaurant and be sat in a room with lots of strangers, but I can’t go to a baby group where social distancing measures would be put in place and it probably would be safer than a pub/restaurant/shop.

At least Tiago has next week off so I can have a little break and we can do family things together. I guess my main worry is after next week his next holiday won’t be for a while, and when will I have more support during the weekdays again?

I guess I just need to take each day at a time and try not to think about the future too much. Who knows how long this will go on for? At least B is happy and healthy, and hopefully we can go swimming soon.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Blowing Bubbles Like B (22nd September 2020)

Me blowing bubbles like my baby daughter does
Blowing Bubbles Like B (22nd September 2020)
 
#IAmTryingToDoTwoShootsAWeekNowEvenIfIFeelLikeIDoNotHaveMuchToSayOrShow
#IFeelLikeDuringTheDayLifeJustConsistsOfThreeHourCycles
#SheWakesUpSheIsFedShePlaysSheIsChangedSheNaps
#TheOrderChangesButItIsBasicallyThat
#TwoNightsAgoSheSleptFor8HoursBetweenFeeds
#SheWentToBedAround8SheHadADreamFeedAround10ThirtyWhichSheSleptThrough
#SheWokeUpAt2ButWithGentleEncouragementSheWentBackToSleep
#ThenSheWokeUpAt6ThirtySoIStartedOurDayThen
#LastNightItStartedTheSameExceptSheWokeUpAtMidnight
#ItWasTooEarlyToFeedHerButSheKeptCryingSoIFedHer
#ThenSheWokeUpAt5AndITriedToEncourageHerBackToSleepButNope
#ThenSheWokeUpAt7ButIWasTooTiredToFeedHerSoTiagoPlayedWithHer
#ThenHeBroughtHerToMeAt8AndIFedHerAndThenItWasTimeForHerNap
#SoIMessedTheDayUpReallyAsIShouldHaveJustFedHerAt7
#InTheEndSheSleptForAWhileSoIWokeHerUpWhenSheWasDueToFeedAgain
#ExcitingStuff
#YesterdaySheWasGrabbingAtTheSidesOfThePushchairForTheFirstTime
#SheIsMoreGrabbyEveryDay
#SheAlsoContinuesToBlowALotOfBubblesWhichIDecidedToFocusOnForThisShoot
#IThinkSoonSheIsGoingToHaveToWearABibAllTheTime
#IAmTryingToReadToHerMoreThoughWeNeedToGetSomePortugueseKidsBooksToo
#IFeelLessOverwhelmedThanInTheLastPostButIStillFeelALittleOnEdge
#IJustWantToSleepForAWeek
#TodayANewLockdownBeginsInLiverpool
#YesterdayWeGotAnEmailSayingThatWeShouldWearMasksGoingInAndOutOfOurBuilding
#IDefinitelyWillButIFeelLikeALotOfPeopleWont
#IAmReadyToBePleasantlySurprisedThough
#IFeelLikePeopleAreGettingTooComplacent
#OnMyDailyWalksPeopleGetTooCloseToMeWhichDoesFreakMeOut
#IWonderHowOldBWillBeWhenThisIsAllOver

(I wrote this post on 22nd September.)

#IAmTryingToDoTwoShootsAWeekNowEvenIfIFeelLikeIDoNotHaveMuchToSayOrShow

This is what I aimed to do when I was pregnant, though some weeks I did more.

I guess when I was pregnant I had a body that was changing, whereas now I have a baby whose face I don’t want to show.

(8th October – I always feel like I have nothing to say, but I usually end up saying a lot.)

#IFeelLikeDuringTheDayLifeJustConsistsOfThreeHourCycles #SheWakesUpSheIsFedShePlaysSheIsChangedSheNaps #TheOrderChangesButItIsBasicallyThat

I am not a fan of constant repetition…

#TwoNightsAgoSheSleptFor8HoursBetweenFeeds #SheWentToBedAround8SheHadADreamFeedAround10ThirtyWhichSheSleptThrough #SheWokeUpAt2ButWithGentleEncouragementSheWentBackToSleep #ThenSheWokeUpAt6ThirtySoIStartedOurDayThen

We got a noise machine the day before, so I thought that may have contributed, or maybe it was because T bottle fed her two times in the evening so perhaps she drank more than she usually would?

Well, we used the noise machine again and T fed her three times, but…

#LastNightItStartedTheSameExceptSheWokeUpAtMidnight #ItWasTooEarlyToFeedHerButSheKeptCryingSoIFedHer #ThenSheWokeUpAt5AndITriedToEncourageHerBackToSleepButNope

With a baby it seems that every day is a new day, so forget what happened yesterday really.

#ThenSheWokeUpAt7ButIWasTooTiredToFeedHerSoTiagoPlayedWithHer

I would have fed her, but it had only been two hours since her last feed and she didn’t seem hungry.

#ThenHeBroughtHerToMeAt8AndIFedHerAndThenItWasTimeForHerNap #SoIMessedTheDayUpReallyAsIShouldHaveJustFedHerAt7

Often her naps in the morning are quite good and we have a consistent cycle, but by the afternoon her naps get shorter, so I knew it did not matter too much. Though I will try not to let it happen again. T just seemed keen to play, so I thought why not.

#InTheEndSheSleptForAWhileSoIWokeHerUpWhenSheWasDueToFeedAgain

Great, though the day seems a bit out of whack now.

(8th October – I get a bit obsessed with her routine. I’ve realised why – I don’t have much else to do right now; everyday is pretty much the same.)

#ExcitingStuff

Gripping, I know.

#YesterdaySheWasGrabbingAtTheSidesOfThePushchairForTheFirstTime #SheIsMoreGrabbyEveryDay

She grabs at any material. Below her on her changing mat is a muslin (so she doesn’t feel cold underneath) and when I pick her up it often comes with her…

(8th October – She is definitely more grabby now.)

#SheAlsoContinuesToBlowALotOfBubblesWhichIDecidedToFocusOnForThisShoot

Secret: I did take some photos of me blowing bubbles on the shoot where I imitated the cute thing that B does with her mouth.

#IThinkSoonSheIsGoingToHaveToWearABibAllTheTime

When we play in the living room we have a bib/towel nearby for wiping up dribble. Fun times – sorry future B if she reads this.

(8th October – She wears a bib all the time now – except when she is in her cot.)

#IAmTryingToReadToHerMoreThoughWeNeedToGetSomePortugueseKidsBooksToo

She still falls asleep a lot when I feed her. I feel like I should talk to her, but there’s only so much I can say and she doesn’t seem to care so I try to read to her. Though recently I have just started to watch films as I need to relax and this seems like a good time to do it.

Yesterday and today I have been watching the 2000s Charlie’s Angels films. I have never seen them before. Maybe because lockdown is so dull I feel like I need some action in my life? I hope B learns karate or something.

#IFeelLessOverwhelmedThanInTheLastPostButIStillFeelALittleOnEdge

I know it is the coding course that is bothering me the most. I don’t do well with educational deadlines. I’m ahead of schedule, but still I’m getting stressed out? I’m a weirdo.

T told me to have a rest whilst B napped, but I said I was going to take the pictures for these hashtags. He said I’m nuts. I think he is right…

#IJustWantToSleepForAWeek

Will I ever stop being tired? I was going to have a nap this morning during B’s first nap, but she sleeps so well then that I knew I should get up, stretch and try to do some coding.

I’m attempting the 30 days of yoga again. I think I tried too soon before when I had a big gap (diastasis recti) and so it wasn’t the best idea. Now I think it is okay to do it though.

#TodayANewLockdownBeginsInLiverpool

Oh joy. Though my Nan is under lockdown in Birmingham, so now I feel a little glad that we don’t have to try to attempt some weird meetup in a pub. Obviously I’d love to see her, but logistically it would be a right faff.

#YesterdayWeGotAnEmailSayingThatWeShouldWearMasksGoingInAndOutOfOurBuilding #IDefinitelyWillButIFeelLikeALotOfPeopleWont

T popped outside and he said the two people he saw weren’t, but maybe they haven’t seen the email yet? T doesn’t think he got the email.

#IAmReadyToBePleasantlySurprisedThough

Let’s see what I say about it when I get round to posting this.

(8th October – Some people do, some people don’t. I saw two guys walk into a shop earlier without masks… Do I sound like the local neighbourhood snitch? Yes.)

#IFeelLikePeopleAreGettingTooComplacent #OnMyDailyWalksPeopleGetTooCloseToMeWhichDoesFreakMeOut

Yesterday to get into the building I had to walk by two guys who were smoking right by the entrance. They barely moved for me and then I awkwardly had to open the door and get through with the pushchair, whilst they continued to stand right by it but acted like I was not there. I guess from today they will be told to move.

#IWonderHowOldBWillBeWhenThisIsAllOver

I can not really imagine a world where I feel safe around strangers/lots of people again. Though I did adapt pretty quickly at the hospital when I had B…


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