Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B With Her Hands And Feet On The Floor (6th March 2021)

Imitating B With Her Hands And Feet On The Floor (6th March 2021)
 
#BIsDefinitelyMovingAroundQuickerEachDay
#YesterdaySheGotStuckByTheCushionsByTheTVAsSheOnlyLikesRollingOneWaySoSheKeptRollingIntoThemRatherThanAwayFromThem
#ThisPhotoIsMeImitatingHerWithHerHandsAndFeetOnTheFloorWhichSheHasStartedToDoInTheLastWeekOrSo
#ICanNotImagineHerWalkingAroundButIGuessThoseDaysAreGettingCloserAndCloser
#SometimesAtNightNowIHearHerCryingSoITurnOnTheMonitorAndSheIsJustSatUpInHerCot
#IHadACallWithMySupportBefrienderPersonTheOtherDay
#SheSaidSheThatCouldTellThatIWasDown
#ISaidIDoNotKnowWhyIBotherMakingProjectsAndThingsWithTheFreeTimeIHaveWhenICouldBeRelaxingInstead
#SheSaidItIsBecauseYouLoveIt
#ILikeThisProjectFromTimeToTimeButItIsMoreThatIFeelIHaveToMakeIt
#WhenIDoAGoodShootIFeelGreatButWhenIDoNotIFeelPrettyDown
#SoHerCommentGaveMeAKickToActuallyStartShootingForAProjectThatIHaveBeenThinkingAboutForAFewWeeks
#IDoNotKnowIfItWillEverSeeTheLightOfDayButIDefinitelyFeelBetterForHavingStartedIt
#ThisMorningTiagoGotBUpAt7AndHeWillLookAfterHerUntilHerNapAtAround10
#IDidMyDanceVideosFirstThingToGetThemDoneAsIFeelLikeTheyHangOverMeAtTheWeekend
#TodayIReallyEnjoyedItButSomeWeeksItIsJustAnotherThingThatIFeelIHaveToDo
#INeedToStopFeelingGuiltyForHavingSomeTimeToMyself
#IWorkPrettyQuicklyNowWithTheFreeTimeIHaveAndTiagoIsBsDadSoOfCourseHeShouldBeSpendingTimeWithHer
#IThinkIFeelBadAsTiagoIsWorkingAllWeekAndMakingMoneyWhereasIDoNotMakeMuch
#IAmDoingSomeNonArtPaidWorkAtTheMomentWhichIJustDoInFifteenMinutesToTwoHoursIshSessions
#IDoLookForOtherWorkWhereBWouldHaveToGoToNurseryButThereDoesNotSeemToBeMuchOutThere
#ItWouldAlsoNeedToBeSomethingWhichLeavesMeWithEnoughAfterPayingNurseryFeesToSeemWorthIt
#MostOfTheMumsIKnowWithBabiesOfASimilarAgeAreEitherBackAtWorkOrGoingBackSoon
#ItIsAnnoyingInTheSenseThatSoonWeWillBeAbleToHangOutWithOtherBabiesButTheyAllMightBeInNurseries
#IGuessThereWillBeSomeAroundThoughWhoseParentsWorkPartTimeOrWhoAreInASimilarPosition
#IHaveSpokenToACoupleOfMumsThisWeekAtThePlaygroundWeGoTo
#IRealiseNowThatEveryoneElseProbablyWantsToChatButTheyAreJustAsAwkwardAsMe
#MyCurrentMumPickupLineIsHowOldIsYourLittleOne
#WeSayWeWillSeeEachOtherAroundButWeHaveLivedHereForFourMonthsAndIDoNotThinkIHaveSeenThemBefore
#WorkingOnANewProjectAndTalkingToPeopleMakesMeFeelHappierSoINeedToKeepOnDoingWhatIAmDoing

#BIsDefinitelyMovingAroundQuickerEachDay

I’m excited for her to walk, but I’m almost nervous. We’re on bump alert most of the time at the moment.

#YesterdaySheGotStuckByTheCushionsByTheTVAsSheOnlyLikesRollingOneWaySoSheKeptRollingIntoThemRatherThanAwayFromThem

We have cushions everywhere. She definitely has a rolling preference. She was getting agitated and I’m like ‘why don’t you just roll the other way?’

Obviously she can’t understand me, but eventually she had rolled into them enough times that she was able to make enough space to roll onto her belly and crawl away. Gripping stuff.

#ThisPhotoIsMeImitatingHerWithHerHandsAndFeetOnTheFloorWhichSheHasStartedToDoInTheLastWeekOrSo

I was toying between imitating this and the way she sits down sometimes. I will have to aim to do that next time.

I haven’t done the shoot yet, but I wrote it like I had. I guess the backdrop will be the cupboards in our bedroom again… I could quickly go into B’s room and do it there, but by the time I finish writing this she is due to sleep. I could just go and do the shoot now. Hmm.

Okay I need to move quick…

Well that was fun. Tiago and B came up during the shoot and the light was blocking the doorway (health and safety!!!), so Tiago passed B over the light which she found hilarious.

I obviously (well maybe it’s not that obvious) have more hair than B. I did some yoga after my dance videos too so that helped, especially as B is so flexible.

#ICanNotImagineHerWalkingAroundButIGuessThoseDaysAreGettingCloserAndCloser

So bizarre. I know other babies who are standing up/supporting themselves, but B seemed to want to crawl first and now she has mastered that she is working on her standing.

#SometimesAtNightNowIHearHerCryingSoITurnOnTheMonitorAndSheIsJustSatUpInHerCot

I wanted to write more about this/I did and then deleted them as I needed more space for other things. Maybe I should have kept them? Maybe I should have saved it for my next post?

It did weird me out the first time I saw her just sat there. I don’t know why, it just looked odd!

#IHadACallWithMySupportBefrienderPersonTheOtherDay

I never know what to call her. The woman who calls me every 2 weeks to talk about my mental health. I had thought about quitting the service as they probably have a waiting list and I don’t want to unnecessarily take up their resources. I just feel like I don’t have time for a 30 minute call every 2 weeks (lol) as it happens during B’s nap, but it is useful and it does make me think differently about things.

#SheSaidSheThatCouldTellThatIWasDown

I was trying to hide it.

#ISaidIDoNotKnowWhyIBotherMakingProjectsAndThingsWithTheFreeTimeIHaveWhenICouldBeRelaxingInstead

I have said it before. I wish I could just relax and do nothing, but I’m stubborn about making work. I obviously need to do it as well.

#SheSaidItIsBecauseYouLoveIt

I was like ‘Do I though?’

#ILikeThisProjectFromTimeToTimeButItIsMoreThatIFeelIHaveToMakeIt

It is more just a project that I feel I am stuck making for now. I don’t know how long I will do it for. I thought maybe until B is one, but maybe it is a more long-term thing now that I just need to do once a week, so I have time for other things?

#WhenIDoAGoodShootIFeelGreatButWhenIDoNotIFeelPrettyDown

At the moment this shoot sits on the so-so pile. I might feel differently about it later.

Some weeks I have really not wanted to do this project, particularly when B was a bit younger.

In my ArtsQuest article (ooh get me quoting myself) I said ‘I decided to set up the blog not long after giving birth in June 2020 in a sleep-deprived haze of confidence. There are times that I have told myself off for giving myself extra work as my stubbornness means I will continue to write posts for probably at least a few more years to come whether anyone reads it or not.

I am glad that I did not quit it when there were times that I wanted to. I think this project will be interesting to look back on when B is older.

My favourite shoots are definitely those where I am imitating B, so I just need to make it more fun and playful.

#SoHerCommentGaveMeAKickToActuallyStartShootingForAProjectThatIHaveBeenThinkingAboutForAFewWeeks

Sometimes I have ideas that pass quickly, but this one was stuck in my head to the point where I knew I needed to do it. I had been doing some research for it, but I usually work best by shooting and seeing where it goes. It’s meant to be a fun project, which is self-portraiture and sticks within my interests.

#IDoNotKnowIfItWillEverSeeTheLightOfDayButIDefinitelyFeelBetterForHavingStartedIt

Starting a project is the hardest thing. Particularly now when my last few photography projects have generally been shoot, talk about it and post it, it’s weird doing work where it doesn’t feel like that might be the case. I may need to sit on it and see. It is another project though where I think I do just need to do keep shooting and accumulate mass to wade through.

Was that poetic? It seemed to be.

#ThisMorningTiagoGotBUpAt7AndHeWillLookAfterHerUntilHerNapAtAround10

He’s just gone off for a bike ride and I had 3 hours in the morning to do things. BEAUTIFUL. It’s 10.30am now and B should be asleep for another 45 minutes, so I’m really enjoying getting things done. In the morning I have a list of things that I want to do in my head and it’s a long time to wait until 7.30pm when I can usually get more things done.

#IDidMyDanceVideosFirstThingToGetThemDoneAsIFeelLikeTheyHangOverMeAtTheWeekend

Nothing like waking yourself up with dance videos. I did 5 today. I usually do 3/4, and one was 7 minutes long!

#TodayIReallyEnjoyedItButSomeWeeksItIsJustAnotherThingThatIFeelIHaveToDo

My support befriender person said I’m disciplined. I guess it’s true.

I’ve always said with the dance videos that the project is over when I don’t want to do it anymore. Some weeks it feels like more of a slog (having to move furniture and stuff is always fun), but other times I do get into it more. It’s meant to be an exercise in not caring and today I didn’t care and just enjoyed it.

#INeedToStopFeelingGuiltyForHavingSomeTimeToMyself

Oh, Mum guilt.

#IWorkPrettyQuicklyNowWithTheFreeTimeIHaveAndTiagoIsBsDadSoOfCourseHeShouldBeSpendingTimeWithHer

And he likes spending time with her. I do not faff so much anymore, particularly at this time of day when I know that I can not take the piss.

#IThinkIFeelBadAsTiagoIsWorkingAllWeekAndMakingMoneyWhereasIDoNotMakeMuch

He works so hard and I want him to have time to rest and relax. Well, I guess playing with your daughter is relaxing?

#IAmDoingSomeNonArtPaidWorkAtTheMomentWhichIJustDoInFifteenMinutesToTwoHoursIshSessions

At the moment the work comes when it comes, when it doesn’t come then I do my own work.

#IDoLookForOtherWorkWhereBWouldHaveToGoToNurseryButThereDoesNotSeemToBeMuchOutThere

It’s a weird time.

#ItWouldAlsoNeedToBeSomethingWhichLeavesMeWithEnoughAfterPayingNurseryFeesToSeemWorthIt

If I’m left with 5 quid afterwards then what’s the point? Some people might say yeah it’s 5 quid, but it seems like a lot of hassle. Hopefully something will come up at some point, but for now I should enjoy spending time with B as I’m sure a lot of people would just prefer to be at home with their kids. I know I am lucky.

Having time away from B this morning makes me look forward to playing with her when she wakes up. I don’t feel as excited if I’m with her all day every day you know? No offence B.

#MostOfTheMumsIKnowWithBabiesOfASimilarAgeAreEitherBackAtWorkOrGoingBackSoon #ItIsAnnoyingInTheSenseThatSoonWeWillBeAbleToHangOutWithOtherBabiesButTheyAllMightBeInNurseries

I just want to have a gaggle of friends who we meet up with in the summer and chill in the park with. She might have to make do with younger friends but that’s fine. A lot of the younger babies that we have met will be acknowledging other babies/not sleeping all the time by the time the better weather comes around.

#IGuessThereWillBeSomeAroundThoughWhoseParentsWorkPartTimeOrWhoAreInASimilarPosition

A lot of people seem to be cutting/condensing their hours to fewer days a week, so I guess there will be a day when people are free to play.

#IHaveSpokenToACoupleOfMumsThisWeekAtThePlaygroundWeGoTo

It always seems to come in phases – one week I talk to people and then I do not talk to anyone for a week.

#IRealiseNowThatEveryoneElseProbablyWantsToChatButTheyAreJustAsAwkwardAsMe

I think people do not know how to start a conversation (like me).

#MyCurrentMumPickupLineIsHowOldIsYourLittleOne

This seems to be a good one. I don’t offend someone by misgendering their child, and it’s something that doesn’t seem too intimidating. I usually direct it to people who have sat their kid in the swing next to us.

#WeSayWeWillSeeEachOtherAroundButWeHaveLivedHereForFourMonthsAndIDoNotThinkIHaveSeenThemBefore

One woman I think we might have seen once before, but the other one I really don’t think I have. We’ll see how long it takes to bump into them again.

#WorkingOnANewProjectAndTalkingToPeopleMakesMeFeelHappierSoINeedToKeepOnDoingWhatIAmDoing

Last time I spoke to more people I was feeling really down due to ‘am I pregnant/am I not?’ issues and other people made the effort, but now I am feeling better I am the one reaching out. I guess things go in waves, but I want to keep getting mentally and physically stronger.


Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!

Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating How B Puts Her Arms Up When I Pick Her Up (2nd March 2021)

Me with my arms in the air.
Imitating How B Puts Her Arms Up When I Pick Her Up (2nd March 2021)
 
#IHaveCalledTheShootFolderPutYourArmsInTheAirLikeYouAreBAndYouDoNotCare
#BeforeWhenIPickedHerUpSheWouldJustNotMoveHerArmsAndSoItWasEasyToLiftAndCarryHer
#NowAfterYouPickHerUpSheWillJustThrowHerArmsUpStraightIntoTheAirAndAsSheIsGettingHeavierItCanBeQuiteAStruggle
#HerSkinIsABitBetterButIThinkItWillTakeSomeTimeToGoAwayCompletely
#IAmABitBoredOfApplyingCreamsAndThingsButObviouslyItIsForTheBest
#AfterMyLastShootIWentToAnOnlineZoomMeetingForLocalMumsWhileBWasAsleep
#ItWasJustSoSuperAwkwardAsIDidNotRealiseIWasOnMuteAtFirstAndThenIDidNotGetToTalkOrSoItFelt
#ItMadeMeRememberWhyIHadNotBeenToOneForTwoMonthsOrSoAndIHadACryAfterwards
#AfterBWasUpIBlewMyNoseAndThenSheWasCryingAsItHadScaredHer
#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainAndPostingABlogEntryTheOtherDayMadeMeRealiseThatMyLastBadPatchWasNotThatLongAgo
#INeedToStartLookingAfterMyselfBetterSoThatICanBeABetterMumForB
#IWantToGetMentallyStrongAsWellAsPhysicallyStrong
#InTheLastWeekIHaveStartedToTryToDoPushups
#IThoughtMyArmsShouldBeGettingStrongerWithAllThisBabyCarryingButIRealisedHowWeakTheyAreStill
#DoYouEverGetThatFeelingOfThereIsSoMuchThatYouWantToDoButYouDoNotKnowWhereToStartSoInsteadOfDoingSomethingYouDoNothing
#IFeltABitLikeThatTheOtherDayAndISpentALotOfMyFreeTimeAtTheWeekendJustWatchingTaskmaster
#IThinkIAmJustABitScaredOfFailureSlashWastingMyTimeSoIWouldRatherRelax
#WeHadOurSecondDateNightTheOtherNightWhichWasUsJustWatchingTheFilmStanAndOllie
#SoOurDateNightIsBasicallyUsJustWatchingTVTogether
#OnceBGoesToSleepIAmUsuallyOffDoingWorkOrProcrastinatingOrTryingToRead
#IAmABitFrustratedByAllThePeopleActingLikeLockdownIsOver
#SuddenlyThereAreLargeGroupsSatInTheParkHavingPicnicsAndDrinking
#IGetItIKnowThatPeopleAreFedUpAndWhatever
#IAmJustBitterAsIWouldNotEnjoyMyselfIfIDidTheSame
#AndIAmWorriedThatByTheTimeBabyClassesAreDueToReopenTheyWillNotBeAllowedToAsInfectionRatesMightGetWorseAgain
#BSeemsToBeTeethingALotAgain
#SheHasBeenTeasingUsWithThisOnOffTeethingBusinessForAWhileButMaybeAToothWillSoonAppear
#EveryDayILoveHerABitMore
#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAndJustBeMorePresentWhenIAmWithHer
#IAlsoNeedToTalkToHerMoreButIFindItDifficultAsTheDaysAreSoLongAndRepetitiveAndIGetTired

#IHaveCalledTheShootFolderPutYourArmsInTheAirLikeYouAreBAndYouDoNotCare

I am so funny.

#BeforeWhenIPickedHerUpSheWouldJustNotMoveHerArmsAndSoItWasEasyToLiftAndCarryHer

Hands under the arms. Great.

#NowAfterYouPickHerUpSheWillJustThrowHerArmsUpStraightIntoTheAirAndAsSheIsGettingHeavierItCanBeQuiteAStruggle

Sometimes I worry that she will just slip out of my hands.

#HerSkinIsABitBetterButIThinkItWillTakeSomeTimeToGoAwayCompletely #IAmABitBoredOfApplyingCreamsAndThingsButObviouslyItIsForTheBest

Her chest seems a little worse in places. I am thinking it is heat rash as she does sleep on her tummy a lot. I’ve been experimenting with making her room cooler at bedtime this last week. It seems to have been going okay.

#AfterMyLastShootIWentToAnOnlineZoomMeetingForLocalMumsWhileBWasAsleep

I usually do work/have me time when B is asleep and these zoom chats are always when B is napping. However I felt in the mood to talk to people

#ItWasJustSoSuperAwkwardAsIDidNotRealiseIWasOnMuteAtFirstAndThenIDidNotGetToTalkOrSoItFelt

I am cringeing now. I thought they were ignoring me, but then I realised that I had muted my computer via the button on my keyboard. Later on I tried to talk but someone else also spoke at the same time, so I just let them carry on. Then I asked a question to one of the women, but at that moment she went on mute and it was just super awkward.

#ItMadeMeRememberWhyIHadNotBeenToOneForTwoMonthsOrSoAndIHadACryAfterwards

I was crying quite a lot. I think it was partly because of the call, but also just crying to get other things off of my chest.

#AfterBWasUpIBlewMyNoseAndThenSheWasCryingAsItHadScaredHer

I was still crying, so I had to blow my nose. Then she started to cry, which made me cry more as I felt terrible. I do not like crying in front of her. It was a bad day.

#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainAndPostingABlogEntryTheOtherDayMadeMeRealiseThatMyLastBadPatchWasNotThatLongAgo

This entry.

I said:

#OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow

I think they’re more frequent occurrences than ‘once in a while’ to be fair.’

Reading that while feeling in a similar patch made me realise that it is more common. I had thought about quitting my fortnightly mental health call, but I think I need it for now.

#INeedToStartLookingAfterMyselfBetterSoThatICanBeABetterMumForB

I wrote about this a lot the other night in my diary.

#IWantToGetMentallyStrongAsWellAsPhysicallyStrong

I’m bored of sounding like such a negative whiney person. I think I write this at least once a month.

A big part of it is also feeling like I’m only as good as my last shoot and I haven’t liked my last couple of shoots. I hope today’s shoot goes better.

#InTheLastWeekIHaveStartedToTryToDoPushups #IThoughtMyArmsShouldBeGettingStrongerWithAllThisBabyCarryingButIRealisedHowWeakTheyAreStill

I’ve done 30 days of yoga a few times now and I still can not do chaturanga to upward facing dog without touching the floor between them. So with more pushups I hope to be able to achieve this (I can do it sometimes, but I want to be able to do it all the time).

#DoYouEverGetThatFeelingOfThereIsSoMuchThatYouWantToDoButYouDoNotKnowWhereToStartSoInsteadOfDoingSomethingYouDoNothing #IFeltABitLikeThatTheOtherDayAndISpentALotOfMyFreeTimeAtTheWeekendJustWatchingTaskmaster #IThinkIAmJustABitScaredOfFailureSlashWastingMyTimeSoIWouldRatherRelax

I was tired. I need to not be so hard on myself and let myself relax a bit. Previously I would have just jumped into doing something. Now I am trying to think about it more first before I do it, though I think I am at the point where I just need to try something.

It’s difficult not having a good space to work in, like when I was using what is now B’s room. Our bedroom is okay, but it’s not the most ideal. I miss a blank wall. I’m going to order a backdrop or paper or something.

#WeHadOurSecondDateNightTheOtherNightWhichWasUsJustWatchingTheFilmStanAndOllie

We had planned to watch this last week, but instead we watched 3 episodes of tv.

Amy Poehler told a joke at the Golden Globes the other night that summed it up nicely:  ‘Now, TV is the one that I watch five hours straight, but a movie is the one that I don’t turn on because it’s two hours. I don’t want to be in front of my TV for two hours, I want to be in front of the TV for one hour five times.’

#SoOurDateNightIsBasicallyUsJustWatchingTVTogether

So most couple’s normal nights? We don’t watch TV together in the evenings after B is asleep usually.

#OnceBGoesToSleepIAmUsuallyOffDoingWorkOrProcrastinatingOrTryingToRead

I rarely sit in the living room while B is asleep. I’m usually sat in our room. I’ve started 3 books lately, but I need to actually finish one.

Library e-books are a better way for me to read as I usually have 14 days to read them before it’s time to return it for someone else in the queue. If I own it then I do not do such a good job of finishing it.

A book that I am aiming to finish is The Five by Hallie Rubenhold.

Last night I should have just got into bed early and read it, but when I’m tired I procrastinate more than usual and I wasted a lot of time doing nothing.

#IAmABitFrustratedByAllThePeopleActingLikeLockdownIsOver #SuddenlyThereAreLargeGroupsSatInTheParkHavingPicnicsAndDrinking

Hi, it’s me Jocelyn the pandemic police lady again.

#IGetItIKnowThatPeopleAreFedUpAndWhatever

I am also a member of the not very exclusive ‘I’m fed up’ club.

#IAmJustBitterAsIWouldNotEnjoyMyselfIfIDidTheSame

I would feel guilty for openly flouting the rules and I also can not be carefree in the park anymore as I have a baby.

#AndIAmWorriedThatByTheTimeBabyClassesAreDueToReopenTheyWillNotBeAllowedToAsInfectionRatesMightGetWorseAgain

If you all want to get Covid then fine, but just let me leave the house for a baby class or playgroup. Pleaseeee.

#BSeemsToBeTeethingALotAgain #SheHasBeenTeasingUsWithThisOnOffTeethingBusinessForAWhileButMaybeAToothWillSoonAppear

She has been teasing us since before we moved to Birmingham and we have lived here for 4 months now.

#EveryDayILoveHerABitMore

Cheesy but true. I look at her many times during the day and think ‘whoa I grew this little human inside me’.

#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAndJustBeMorePresentWhenIAmWithHer #IAlsoNeedToTalkToHerMoreButIFindItDifficultAsTheDaysAreSoLongAndRepetitiveAndIGetTired

Maybe these hashtags should be swapped around? Oh well.

I do need to talk to her more. I think I spend a lot of the day in silence/watching more kids TV than she does. I just can not talk all day, especially when the person I am talking to can not really talk back. She has more talkative phases though and I just need to do that thing where you copy then say some words afterwards.

I need to get over things. I wanted a baby. I am so happy that we have B. We are lucky as we have my Nan, and we see my Mum a few times a week. It is just so tiring, but I do still want another one at some point. I’d rather just get on with things as there will never be a good time to have another child now.

(26th March: B throwing her arms up in the air after I picked her up seemed to be a 2 day phase. She hasn’t done it since then.)


Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!

Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Sixth Family Portrait (6th February 2021)

Sixth Family Portrait (6th February 2021)
 
#BHasStartedToSquealAndScreechALotInTheLastWeek
#ICallHerMyScreecherCreature
#NanMadeMeLaughTheOtherDayWhenSheAskedBIfSheWasAnOperaSinger
#SheAlsoKeptSayingHowCleverIWasAfterIOpenedAJarOfMarmalade
#BNowAlsoLikesToJustEatTheLabelsOnAnything
#SheWillBeSatInHerHighchairWithFoodInFrontOfHerAndSheJustWantsToEatTheLabelOnHerBib
#IAmWorriedThatBsFirstWordWillBeSkipDueToMeAlwaysSkippingSongsWhileSheEats
#SometimesINearlyCallHerAlexa
#IWasWorriedThatSheWouldThinkThatWasHerNameButIfISayAlexaSheLooksInTheDirectionOfTheMachine
#NowWhenSheDropsHerCupFromHerHighchairSheClosesHerEyesAndAnticipatesTheSoundOfItHittingTheFloor
#SheHasHadSomeReallyDryPatchesOnHerBodyForAWhileAndItIsStartingToUpsetMeABit
#WeApplyCreamALotButWeJustNeedToApplyItMore
#IHaveOrderedSomeOtherStuffThatAFriendRecommendedSoHopefullyItComesSoon
#SheHasADryPatchDevelopingOnHerFaceNowWhichMakesMeFeelWorse
#IUsedToGetReallyDrySkinWhenIWasYoungerThough
#IRememberHavingAReallyDryPatchRightByMyEyeForAbout6MonthsOrSoWhichMadeMeFeelWonderfulInHighSchool
#AnywaysAfterMyLastEntryISpokeToTheWomanWhoChecksOnMeEveryCoupleOfWeeks
#SheSaysIAmDoingEverythingPossibleButIJustNeedToBeMorePositiveAndKickNegativeThoughtsAway
#SheAskedHowTiagoIsAndIFeltBadAsIHadNotReallyThoughtAboutHowRecentEventsMightMakeHimFeel
#WeHadTalkedAboutItABitButIWasTooObsessedWithWhatOrWasNotHappeningToMyBodyAndHowIWasFeelingSoIMadeSureWeSpokeAboutItLater
#BIsGettingVeryQuickAtRemovingTiagosGlassesFromHisFace
#IJustRealisedThatHeUsuallyTakesThemOffForTheFamilyPortraitsSoSomePeopleMightNotBeAwareThatHeWearsThem
#WeProbablyStayedUpTooLateLastNight
#BWokeUpAtFiveThirtyButLuckilySheWentBackToSleepAfterAWhileAndThenTiagoGotHerUpAt7
#TheNightBeforeIWantedToGoToBedEarlyAsIWantedAGoodNapBeforeWakingUpForATalkAtMidnight
#ObviouslyIBarelyNappedAndThenICouldNotSleepForTwoHoursAfterTheTalkAsIFeltSoInspired
#IFeelSoGuiltyForMakingWorkAboutMyselfButThenIRealiseThatALotOfOtherPeopleAreDoingIt
#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAboutSoManyThingsAndJustCareLess
#IWantToGetMoreIntoPoetryAndOrCreativeWritingButIDoNotReallyKnowWhereToStart
#LastNightISuddenlyFeltInspiredToTryToWriteAPoemButItJustSeemedToTurnIntoMyHashtagWriting

#BHasStartedToSquealAndScreechALotInTheLastWeek

Typically it’s always after someone else mentions that their baby is squealing a lot.

#ICallHerMyScreecherCreature

She seems to like any names that rhyme – Pissy Missy has made her laugh on a few occasions…

#NanMadeMeLaughTheOtherDayWhenSheAskedBIfSheWasAnOperaSinger

I would love it if B did something to do with music. We attend enough music classes. This week we did one everyday again.

#SheAlsoKeptSayingHowCleverIWasAfterIOpenedAJarOfMarmalade

I could hear her telling Tiago how smart I was. Then later on she was telling me that I can do anything. This did start after I opened a jar of marmalade for her.

Nan’s a great cheerleader, though I wish she understood what I do with most of my free time and cheer me on with my art things. I feel like I need it…

#BNowAlsoLikesToJustEatTheLabelsOnAnything #SheWillBeSatInHerHighchairWithFoodInFrontOfHerAndSheJustWantsToEatTheLabelOnHerBib

Tiago got her up and looked after her this morning. I came into the room and B was eating a label on a cuddly toy…

#IAmWorriedThatBsFirstWordWillBeSkipDueToMeAlwaysSkippingSongsWhileSheEats #SometimesINearlyCallHerAlexa #IWasWorriedThatSheWouldThinkThatWasHerNameButIfISayAlexaSheLooksInTheDirectionOfTheMachine

My sister got us a device for Xmas. We didn’t think we’d need it, but it has become really useful – my hands are usually covered in porridge when I want to change songs. I just wish they’d sort out the volume control on them as turning the volume up by one usually makes it way too loud, or turning it down by one makes it too quiet. Hard life.

#NowWhenSheDropsHerCupFromHerHighchairSheClosesHerEyesAndAnticipatesTheSoundOfItHittingTheFloor

It is quite cute when she closes her eyes, but now I know she knows what she is doing.

She’s started to pick the cup up herself, but she drinks from it in weird ways. I’ll have to imitate it for a photo one day…

#SheHasHadSomeReallyDryPatchesOnHerBodyForAWhileAndItIsStartingToUpsetMeABit #WeApplyCreamALotButWeJustNeedToApplyItMore #IHaveOrderedSomeOtherStuffThatAFriendRecommendedSoHopefullyItComesSoon #SheHasADryPatchDevelopingOnHerFaceNowWhichMakesMeFeelWorse

I think I have mentioned it, but I’ve also not because I feel so bad about it.

Some days it does seem to be getting better, but then it goes bad again. I showed my Mum and she said to keep applying cream, though I’m hoping this other stuff will work.

#IUsedToGetReallyDrySkinWhenIWasYoungerThough #IRememberHavingAReallyDryPatchRightByMyEyeForAbout6MonthsOrSoWhichMadeMeFeelWonderfulInHighSchool

Mmm crusty eye. I’ve got a bit of a dry patch by my left eye right now – I think my eye has been getting dry from being on a computer more lately, so I was itching it and now the skin is upset. Great.

#AnywaysAfterMyLastEntryISpokeToTheWomanWhoChecksOnMeEveryCoupleOfWeeks #SheSaysIAmDoingEverythingPossibleButIJustNeedToBeMorePositiveAndKickNegativeThoughtsAway

I mentioned that the other night I was watching the monitor and then got really worried about B. I knew I was being silly, but sometimes you just get stuck in these thoughts.

I’ve mentioned before about me finding it easier to be negative about things. I finished reading Untamed last week and there was a bit where she talks about becoming more positive and then someone commenting that they now find it hard to relate to her. Food for thought.

#SheAskedHowTiagoIsAndIFeltBadAsIHadNotReallyThoughtAboutHowRecentEventsMightMakeHimFeel #WeHadTalkedAboutItABitButIWasTooObsessedWithWhatOrWasNotHappeningToMyBodyAndHowIWasFeelingSoIMadeSureWeSpokeAboutItLater

Sorry Tiago – I was a bit too wrapped up in my own thoughts and feelings. These hashtags today are making me feel awkward. Maybe this whole project is a bit too self obsessed. Maybe I am self obsessed? I was wondering about that the other night.

Merriam-Webster says ‘excessively preoccupied with oneself or with one’s own concerns’.

Hmm, yes and no. I feel like I could write an essay about this, but I want to finish writing this so I can make some scones for B while she is still asleep (and catch-up on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK).

#BIsGettingVeryQuickAtRemovingTiagosGlassesFromHisFace

Super speedy.

#IJustRealisedThatHeUsuallyTakesThemOffForTheFamilyPortraitsSoSomePeopleMightNotBeAwareThatHeWearsThem

I am hoping a family portrait will accompany this. I want to try to include Nan, but let’s see.

(7th February: Well, we did a shoot. We tried to do some more ‘typical’ family portraits, but it ended up being a bit more documentary which is quite nice actually. Typically I talk about Tiago not wearing glasses in them, but he ended up having them on this time. Maybe we’ll get Nan in a future shoot.)

#WeProbablyStayedUpTooLateLastNight

11 o’clock. Just faffing on our phones…

#BWokeUpAtFiveThirtyButLuckilySheWentBackToSleepAfterAWhileAndThenTiagoGotHerUpAt7

I could not get out of bed to go to her at 5.30am. I talked to her through the baby monitor, and then turned the heating on in her room via my phone. Eventually she went back to sleep.

Tiago tends to get up with her. He tells me to rest, but my brain is usually just thinking about what I want to do today. I did some yoga and posted a blog post. Then I came back to write the hashtags after Tiago said I could have another half an hour. I planned to write the blog post then too, but nope!

#TheNightBeforeIWantedToGoToBedEarlyAsIWantedAGoodNapBeforeWakingUpForATalkAtMidnight #ObviouslyIBarelyNappedAndThenICouldNotSleepForTwoHoursAfterTheTalkAsIFeltSoInspired

The talk was so good – it’s online here.

I knew they would probably put it online afterwards, but I did not want to miss it just in case. I also like to try to attend events when they happen as it is somewhat easier to see it live than watch a recording – did that make any sense? I was just lying in bed watching it, which I probably would not do with a recording – I’d feel like I had to sit at my desk and work on other things which is not necessarily bad.

#IFeelSoGuiltyForMakingWorkAboutMyselfButThenIRealiseThatALotOfOtherPeopleAreDoingIt

All the artists were making work about themselves, their families and/or about something very personal.

I think now with pandemic a lot more people are turning inwards too so I don’t know why I find it so awkward.

#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAboutSoManyThingsAndJustCareLess

An article did once call me the Queen of Awkward, and I think that is still the case.

I’ve been thinking about trying to get funding for my work. Trying to balance ‘normal’ work, personal work and looking after a baby is a bit tough. Other people get funding to make their personal work, so why can’t I?

#IWantToGetMoreIntoPoetryAndOrCreativeWritingButIDoNotReallyKnowWhereToStart #LastNightISuddenlyFeltInspiredToTryToWriteAPoemButItJustSeemedToTurnIntoMyHashtagWriting

I am writing this more just as a reminder to myself. Maybe there is more I can do with the hashtags? I want to experiment with and learn about other art forms. I think with photography I just know how it all works and though my confidence is low I will show it, whereas with other art forms I just feel a bit lost and unsure. A few years ago I was painting a bit and sharing them, but then I felt awkward and I started a project that required me to travel so it got put on the back burner. I need to go back to things and I need to make time to try things.

I can’t believe how much free time I used to have that I completely wasted. I should have relaxed more, tried new things and just lived a bit more.

Oh well.


Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!

Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Portrait Of A Mother Of A 7 Month Old (13th January 2021)

Me looking at the camera with my head resting on my knee.
Portrait Of A Mother Of A 7 Month Old (13th January 2021)
 
#ICanNotBelieveThatBIs7MonthsAlready
#ButWhatIsWeirderIsThatSheWasNotEvenBornYetWhenThePandemicStarted
#SinceMyLastEntryBHasSleptBellyDownAFewTimesNow
#WeShouldProbablyGetABabyMonitorButEveryTimeILookAtThemIFeelABitOverwhelmedByHowManyThereAre
#WeJustSeemToHaveGotByWithoutOneSoFarSoMaybeWeDoNotReallyNeedOne
#IDoNotThinkThatIHaveMentionedThatBsHairSeemsToBeGrowingALotMoreSinceSheHasStartedToEatSolids
#ISwearThatSheChangesSoMuchFromDayToDay
#SheSeemsToHaveDiscoveredBlowingRaspberriesAgainAndWasDoingItAt3InTheMorning
#MyLastShootLeftMeFeelingABitSoreAsItWasQuiteAWorkout
#IHaveBeenReadingTinaTurnersBookAboutChangingYourLifeForGood
#ItIsAnInterestingReadAndIAlreadyFeelMorePositiveAboutThings
#IKnowThatICanNotChangeEverythingThatHappensToMeButICanChangeHowIReactToThings
#IFeelMorePositiveButShortTermChangesAreEasyWhereasTheHarderThingIsImplementingChangesForALongPeriodOfTime
#AtTheWeekendIGotReallyAnnoyedOnAWalkAsIRealisedThatNoOneReallyKeepsTheirDistanceAnymore
#WeWalkInSingleFileButThenThePeopleWeAreGoingPastJustWalkSideBySide
#NowIHaveStartedToWalkOnTheGrassAwayFromPeopleMore
#ItAnnoysMeThatIHaveToDoItButIWouldRatherDoThatThenGetAnnoyedWhenTheyWalkTooClose
#YesterdayIWasOutWithBAndWeWereComingToAPointWhereTwoPathsConnect
#SomeoneWasWalkingOnTheOtherPathSoIThoughtIHadBetterHurryUpToGetOntoTheMainPathBeforeThem
#ICouldHearThemWalkingSoCloseToMeAndIWasGettingAnnoyed
#IStoppedAtAPointWhereTheyCouldWalkPastMeAndWhenITurnedToGlareAtThemNoOneWasThere
#ILookedDownAndIHadALeafStuckToMyBootThatWasMakingTheNoise
#IHaveNotBeenReadingTheNewsSoMuchAndNoOneKnowsWhenThisLockdownWillEnd
#TheDaysAreLongYetShortAtTheSameTimeButIHavePlentyToDoToKeepMeBusy
#IFeelBadWhenISitAndDoNothingThoughNowIHaveSomePaidResearchWorkToDoSoIWillHaveLessTimeToFaffAnyways
#INeedToGetBetterAtRelaxingAndLearnToBeAbleToReadABookAnywhere
#AtTheMomentIOnlyLikeToReadInBedButLastNightILostAboutAnHourOfGoodReadingTimeByJustFaffingOnMyPhoneElsewhere
#IFedBFishYesterdayAndItSmelledHorribleSoIThinkIWillLeaveFishyMealsToTiago
#IAlsoNeedToStopFeelingGuiltyAboutBSpendingTimeWithMyNanAndMum
#TheyAreHappyToHelpAndIAmSureALotOfPeopleWouldLoveTheExtraSupportSoINeedToJustAppreciateWhatIHaveAndNotFeelBadAboutIt

#ICanNotBelieveThatBIs7MonthsAlready

I am glad that I have this project to look back on, as the time has gone by so fast. I was looking at photos of B when she was super small the other day and it seemed like years ago…

#ButWhatIsWeirderIsThatSheWasNotEvenBornYetWhenThePandemicStarted

I know this has all been going on for a long time, but it just shows how long it has been.

#SinceMyLastEntryBHasSleptBellyDownAFewTimesNow

I have stopped rolling her back now if she is quiet and calm. She has only really done it during her short naps anyways.

#WeShouldProbablyGetABabyMonitorButEveryTimeILookAtThemIFeelABitOverwhelmedByHowManyThereAre #WeJustSeemToHaveGotByWithoutOneSoFarSoMaybeWeDoNotReallyNeedOne

There have been times where we have gone to get one, but T and I really need to sit down together to look – which hasn’t happened yet.

#IDoNotThinkThatIHaveMentionedThatBsHairSeemsToBeGrowingALotMoreSinceSheHasStartedToEatSolids

Maybe I have? It just seems to have grown a lot in the past month or so.

#ISwearThatSheChangesSoMuchFromDayToDay

Her face can look so different from day to day. Her hair colour seems to change from day to day.

#SheSeemsToHaveDiscoveredBlowingRaspberriesAgainAndWasDoingItAt3InTheMorning

Yesterday we were walking past an older couple and she started to do it. I felt a little embarrassed but also found it quite funny.

#MyLastShootLeftMeFeelingABitSoreAsItWasQuiteAWorkout

When you see just the selected photo it doesn’t look like much, but when you think that I rarely take just one shot then you can imagine how it might have made my muscles hurt the next day…

#IHaveBeenReadingTinaTurnersBookAboutChangingYourLifeForGood #ItIsAnInterestingReadAndIAlreadyFeelMorePositiveAboutThings

Happiness Becomes You: A Guide to Changing Your Life for Good by Tina Turner’.

I’m just taking the bits from it that I think will be helpful. Am I going to start chanting? Not sure, but I think I do need to have a phrase or something to mutter under my breath from time to time.

#IKnowThatICanNotChangeEverythingThatHappensToMeButICanChangeHowIReactToThings

I have known this for years, but something has just clicked in my mind in the last week.

#IFeelMorePositiveButShortTermChangesAreEasyWhereasTheHarderThingIsImplementingChangesForALongPeriodOfTime

I am good at short term changes, but yeah sustaining things for the long term is the challenge. I think my mood diary is also helping me to really think about how I am feeling and why. I am trying to be better at communicating as well.

#AtTheWeekendIGotReallyAnnoyedOnAWalkAsIRealisedThatNoOneReallyKeepsTheirDistanceAnymore #WeWalkInSingleFileButThenThePeopleWeAreGoingPastJustWalkSideBySide

I do not get it. Also if you are running you should be making the biggest effort to get out of the way of people you are going past.

The other day there a lot of people blocking the path while chatting with their dogs. I walked on the grass to get away from them, but then a guy was about to walk right next to to me on the grass, so I had to move even further away.

This is boring. I am supposed to be more positive. I just want to vent about it though.

If you’re going to chat on opposite sides of a path when you have space to be stood on the same side – stand on the same side. I don’t like having to awkwardly walk through someone’s conversation and be super close to people.

#NowIHaveStartedToWalkOnTheGrassAwayFromPeopleMore #ItAnnoysMeThatIHaveToDoItButIWouldRatherDoThatThenGetAnnoyedWhenTheyWalkTooClose

Instead of seeing what people do and getting annoyed about it, I just walk on the grass and feel annoyed for having to do so, but feel less annoyed at people. I think it works out. Maybe?

#YesterdayIWasOutWithBAndWeWereComingToAPointWhereTwoPathsConnect #SomeoneWasWalkingOnTheOtherPathSoIThoughtIHadBetterHurryUpToGetOntoTheMainPathBeforeThem #ICouldHearThemWalkingSoCloseToMeAndIWasGettingAnnoyed #IStoppedAtAPointWhereTheyCouldWalkPastMeAndWhenITurnedToGlareAtThemNoOneWasThere #ILookedDownAndIHadALeafStuckToMyBootThatWasMakingTheNoise

It made me laugh. They’d gone down the path that I was walking on, but it’s a weird bit where generally everyone is walking to get onto the main path – though obviously not in this case.

#IHaveNotBeenReadingTheNewsSoMuchAndNoOneKnowsWhenThisLockdownWillEnd

I just had to have a look. Mid-February maybe? I don’t know. In my mind I had it as April, so maybe it’s best to keep thinking that and be surprised if it’s sooner?

#TheDaysAreLongYetShortAtTheSameTimeButIHavePlentyToDoToKeepMeBusy

I have made a schedule for my own work, which is quite nice.

#IFeelBadWhenISitAndDoNothingThoughNowIHaveSomePaidResearchWorkToDoSoIWillHaveLessTimeToFaffAnyways

I was looking forward to taking part in a writing workshop for a couple of weeks, but B’s sleep went bad. Good job I turned it down, as the paid work is more important right now. I’d like to do a writing/poetry/creative writing course at some point though.

#INeedToGetBetterAtRelaxingAndLearnToBeAbleToReadABookAnywhere #AtTheMomentIOnlyLikeToReadInBedButLastNightILostAboutAnHourOfGoodReadingTimeByJustFaffingOnMyPhoneElsewhere

I do not like faffing on my phone. I am really enjoying reading, so I need to just be able to sit down anywhere in the house and read. It is relaxing, yet I feel productive?

#IFedBFishYesterdayAndItSmelledHorribleSoIThinkIWillLeaveFishyMealsToTiago

She likes to mush her hands into everything these days, then grab one of your fingers while she eats.

#IAlsoNeedToStopFeelingGuiltyAboutBSpendingTimeWithMyNanAndMum #TheyAreHappyToHelpAndIAmSureALotOfPeopleWouldLoveTheExtraSupportSoINeedToJustAppreciateWhatIHaveAndNotFeelBadAboutIt

My Nan will just hold B while I warm B’s food up and things. Nothing major. My Mum watched B for an hour yesterday while I did some research work, which I felt bad about but it needs to be done. I also feel guilty when T watches B, even though he is her Dad. I need to learn to accept help and appreciate it, as if I didn’t have it I’m sure I’d want it!


Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!

Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)
 
#IAmNotAMorningPersonAndMotherhoodIsTryingDesperatelyToTurnMeIntoOne
#BKeepsWakingUpALotAtNightAtTheMoment
#IThinkItIsBecauseOfTeethingButWeTryToSettleHerForAbout30MinutesBeforeWeResortToFeedingHer
#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier
#AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning
#YesterdayIGotACallFromThePostNatalSupportServiceThatMyHealthVisitorReferredMeTo
#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea
#IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4
#WellNowEnglandHasAnotherLockdownAgain
#IDoubtWeWillHaveABabyClassInPersonAnytimeSoonButIThinkItIsForTheBest
#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine
#TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon
#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe
#IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers
#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB
#TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt
#SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe
#SheSaidINeedToStopBeingSoHardOnMyselfAndToStopOverthinkingSoMuch
#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay
#IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse
#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup
#IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats
#WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell
#IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow
#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn
#EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll
#HavingASmallHumanHasJustPutANewLightOnALotOfThingsThatIWantToFixAboutMyself
#FromTheCallIFeelLikeIAmDoingALotOfThingsRightButIJustNeedToPracticeSomeMoreSelfCareAndSelfLove
#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne
#ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

#IAmNotAMorningPersonAndMotherhoodIsTryingDesperatelyToTurnMeIntoOne

I have not done a shoot yet, but I imagine myself looking tired as hell.

(I don’t look too bad actually, but I had been up for a few hours…)

#BKeepsWakingUpALotAtNightAtTheMoment

We need to start the sleep training that we have been on about for ages.

#IThinkItIsBecauseOfTeethingButWeTryToSettleHerForAbout30MinutesBeforeWeResortToFeedingHer

It is really hard to know what to do – maybe she is just hungry? She is eating quite a bit at meals at the moment, but maybe it’s not enough?

(Spoiler for future blog posts: We finally started it – hello night 9 tonight – and it’s been great to sleep. B hasn’t had a night feed since we started. Why did we not do it before? I also do not mind the mornings so much if I have slept well. Hurrah!)

#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier #AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning

Though last night I did put my book down at 10.45pm. I started reading quite late as my brain could not relax.

I’m currently reading Bridget Jones’s Diary as I have never read it before, and it is an easy read.

#YesterdayIGotACallFromThePostNatalSupportServiceThatMyHealthVisitorReferredMeTo

I just remembered that someone is calling me soon again – at the time when B is due to wake up.

#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea #IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4

I was feeling good so I didn’t think that she needed to check on me anyways.

#WellNowEnglandHasAnotherLockdownAgain

Things change fast.

#IDoubtWeWillHaveABabyClassInPersonAnytimeSoonButIThinkItIsForTheBest

Though they are supposed to be allowed to happen as they are support groups, but a lot of the venues are waiting for more clarification.

#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine #TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon

I felt like Nan was going out too much before as she was so bored. Now she is a bit scared, which is sad but I am glad that she seems less keen to go out now – especially as she will hopefully have the vaccine soon.

#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe #IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers

I have lost count of how many of these questionnaires I have done over the years.

#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB #TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt #SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe

I definitely have a lot of guilt these days. Even this morning I felt bad as when I was with B my brain was just thinking in hashtags…

#SheSaidINeedToStopBeingSoHardOnMyselfAndToStopOverthinkingSoMuch

I am an overthinker for sure.

#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay #IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse

I have been saying lately that I am so negative. I ran out of hashtags before I could name two positive things, but I know that we are lucky. Tiago still has a job, we are living in a nice, warm house and B does seem healthy.

#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup #IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats #WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell #IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow

I won’t be talking about the group much in future, except for probably saying how awkward I feel. No I won’t – I’ll be being positive!

It’s a confidential group so yeah what happens in the group stays in the group.

#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn #EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll

I remember going to CBT while doing my Neblina project and the guy said I had low self-esteem. I felt like a fraud with all of my work that I do and I was quite annoyed about it. However, he was right and I still need to work on it a lot.

#HavingASmallHumanHasJustPutANewLightOnALotOfThingsThatIWantToFixAboutMyself

Happy Mum, happy baby.

#FromTheCallIFeelLikeIAmDoingALotOfThingsRightButIJustNeedToPracticeSomeMoreSelfCareAndSelfLove

What happened to the mother of the one month old doing face masks? I need to find her again.

I wish I could have bottled the hormones I had a week after B was born. I felt so high and confident – I could have taken on the world. I really miss that version of me. I feel like that was the real me deep down under the layers of stress, guilt and shame.

#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne #ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

Luckily I didn’t break the law yesterday as I did not feel up to two walks.

Let’s see how long this goes on for… the lockdown that is.


Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!