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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Where Is Mummy? (16th February 2021)

Where Is Mummy? (16th February 2021)
 
#IAlwaysWriteMumButMummyLooksABitWeird
#IAmNotADeadPersonInAMuseumThoughIMaySometimesLookLikeIt
#LastNightIWentToSleepAtNineThirtyAfterReadingForABit
#ThenIWasAwakeBetweenFourAndFiveThirtyishAsBWasMakingNoisesAndICouldNotFallBackAsleep
#ThenItWas7AndIDidNotWantToGetOutOfBedAsIFeltSoTired
#IHadPlannedToDoSomeCraftsOrWritingOrAnythingLastNightButIJustCouldNotBeBothered
#TypicallyISpendAllDayLookingForwardToAGoodAmountOfMeTimeButThenItArrivesAndIAmJustKnackered
#IStartedAFundingApplicationTheOtherNightButItJustSeemedSoPointlessAndItWouldHaveBeenVeryRushed
#IFeelLikeINeedToPrioritiseMyMeTimeAtTheMomentForThingsThatHaveInstantaneousResultsOrMakeMeMoney
#IWantToStartWorkingOnANewProjectButIAmNotSureWhat
#ItFeelsEasyToKeepAddingToThisSeriesAndIDoNotHaveToThinkAboutItMuch
#AnywaysWeWentOnAGroupWalkWithOtherMumsAndMomsYesterday
#TypicallyEveryoneElseKnewEachOtherThoughIDoFeelLikeTheyDidTryToIncludeMe
#ButAllOfTheirBabiesAre8WeeksOldAndWereAsleepTheWholeTime
#BWasAwakeAndBeingQuitePatientReallyConsideringSheWasJustStuckInHerPushchair
#SheCanCrawlForwardALittleNowButThenHasToStopBeforeTryingAgain
#ItFeltGoodToBeOutAndAboutInGoodWeatherAndTalkToOtherPeople
#ButItWasNotAnyFunForBSoIMightJustTryAndGoOnceInAWhile
#MaybeItWouldNotBeSoBadIfThePushchairActuallyFacedMeAsICouldTalkToHerMore
#IDoWishWeHadGotOneThatCouldFaceBothWaysButItIsABitLateNow
#IAlsoFeltAwkwardMovingAboutWithABunchOfPeopleAsIFeltLikePeopleWereJudgingUsAndGettingAnnoyed
#ItIsClassedAsASupportGroupSoWeAreNotBreakingTheLawButIAmAwkwardEnoughJustBeingOutWithB
#WeAreDebatingSendingBToNurseryOneDayAWeek
#IFeelQuiteTornAboutItAsIAmNotMakingEnoughMoneyAtTheMomentToJustifyItAndIFeelGuiltyThatSheWouldBeInNurseryWhileIAmJustFaffingAboutAtHome
#IFeelLikeItLooksLikeIDoNotWantToSpendTimeWithHer
#ILoveHerALotButIAmJustTiredAndMaybeSheWouldHaveMoreFunSpendingADayWithOtherKids
#ThenICanUseMyFreeTimeToFigureOutWhatIWantToDoWithMyLifeAndProbablySpendALotOfMyTimeMissingBAndFeelingGuilty
#ThenWhenWeAreReunitedIWillHopefullyHaveMoreEnthusiasmAfterHavingSomeMoreMeTime
#IDoWorryThatIWillJustWasteMyFreeTimeThoughTiagoSaysItIsFineIfIJustSpendTheFirstTimeSleeping
#ThinkingAboutItSendingHerToNurseryIncreasesOurRiskOfHavingToSelfIsolateAndThatWouldBeNoFun

#IAlwaysWriteMumButMummyLooksABitWeird #IAmNotADeadPersonInAMuseumThoughIMaySometimesLookLikeIt

Hello tiredness my old friend.

The title and image reference our many games of peekaboo.

#LastNightIWentToSleepAtNineThirtyAfterReadingForABit

Continuing on the dead theme – I’m reading Dead Famous by Greg Jenner.

#ThenIWasAwakeBetweenFourAndFiveThirtyishAsBWasMakingNoisesAndICouldNotFallBackAsleep

It was warm last night and I was not sure what setting/timing to have B’s heater on. I thought it was on a higher setting than it was and so had turned some ‘sessions’ off. I think she was slightly too cold. We went in a couple of times – once as I thought she was trapped at the bottom of her cot with not much space, and the other time to change her nappy.

Exciting stuff.

#ThenItWas7AndIDidNotWantToGetOutOfBedAsIFeltSoTired

Tiago is good at getting her up. I did have a little nap, then stretched but I need to just get up really.

#IHadPlannedToDoSomeCraftsOrWritingOrAnythingLastNightButIJustCouldNotBeBothered

I even thought about playing video games, which I have not done since before B was born. In the end I thought it was not very productive and that I would probably load it then turn it off after 5 minutes anyways.

#TypicallyISpendAllDayLookingForwardToAGoodAmountOfMeTimeButThenItArrivesAndIAmJustKnackered

I think I also just feel a bit overwhelmed with choosing what to do if there is not obvious stuff that needs to be done – like editing or any work related stuff. I did think about doing some digital drawing. Nope. I thought about painting. Nope. I looked for part time jobs briefly. I did a tiny bit of writing and then I felt shattered.

#IStartedAFundingApplicationTheOtherNightButItJustSeemedSoPointlessAndItWouldHaveBeenVeryRushed

The deadline was sooner than I thought. I thought I had a good idea and I kept talking myself in and out of doing the application. Well I finally started it and then realised that there was no chance that I was going to get the funding. Next time!

#IFeelLikeINeedToPrioritiseMyMeTimeAtTheMomentForThingsThatHaveInstantaneousResultsOrMakeMeMoney

Obviously funding would give me money, but spending 5+ hours (realistically it would need to be a lot longer) on an application where I probably wouldn’t get the money does not feel like a good use of my time. I will try to apply next time though and I can hopefully just chip away at it a bit at a time.

Making dance videos and adding to this project feel like ‘instantaneous results’, as I am actively adding to things that I share.

#IWantToStartWorkingOnANewProjectButIAmNotSureWhat

I feel like I am trying things out within this project, but I need a good solid idea.

#ItFeelsEasyToKeepAddingToThisSeriesAndIDoNotHaveToThinkAboutItMuch

I know that if I make work for this series then it always gets added to the project. I need to just experiment more (which I feel like I did with my last shoot) and ideas will come.

I need to find a commission or something so I do not have to worry about doing odd jobs right now. Easier said than done. Someone is probably reading this and shouting ‘that’s why you apply for funding!’ Yeah I know but it’s also easier said than done…

I’m enjoying editing some websites at the moment and I have put some things that I learned on my coding course into practice which is great!

I’d like to do a creative writing course or something next.

#AnywaysWeWentOnAGroupWalkWithOtherMumsAndMomsYesterday

We being B and I.

#TypicallyEveryoneElseKnewEachOtherThoughIDoFeelLikeTheyDidTryToIncludeMe

They’d all met on a parenting course.

#ButAllOfTheirBabiesAre8WeeksOldAndWereAsleepTheWholeTime

So B is 6 months+ older and it’s a whole different world of parenting. It was nice to talk to them though.

#BWasAwakeAndBeingQuitePatientReallyConsideringSheWasJustStuckInHerPushchair

She was getting a bit screamy at one point and I thought about taking her home, but we were so far from home that I thought we might as well keep walking and then head off once we got to a point that was closer to home. Home home home.

#SheCanCrawlForwardALittleNowButThenHasToStopBeforeTryingAgain

Yesterday she seemed pretty tired, so it wasn’t too bad that she was just sat in the pushchair. The day before she had moved a lot so she probably did just need to rest a bit.

#ItFeltGoodToBeOutAndAboutInGoodWeatherAndTalkToOtherPeople

Really nice. Forget all the things I’ve said about not wanting to meet local people. It is just frustrating though.

#ButItWasNotAnyFunForBSoIMightJustTryAndGoOnceInAWhile

It’s also frustrating. I’d love to go every week, but it’s not fair on B. There is one during B’s naptime, so maybe I should go to that one instead but then I’ll lose my hour+ of free time in the morning. It’s alright if I have nothing on, but if I have to work then it’s annoying.

#MaybeItWouldNotBeSoBadIfThePushchairActuallyFacedMeAsICouldTalkToHerMore #IDoWishWeHadGotOneThatCouldFaceBothWaysButItIsABitLateNow

It hasn’t been too bad as usually we don’t go too far. Yesterday was the furthest we’ve gone from home since before Xmas…

#IAlsoFeltAwkwardMovingAboutWithABunchOfPeopleAsIFeltLikePeopleWereJudgingUsAndGettingAnnoyed #ItIsClassedAsASupportGroupSoWeAreNotBreakingTheLawButIAmAwkwardEnoughJustBeingOutWithB

It’s half term so the area was busier than usual. We were walking in twos, but the paths are narrow (I walked on the grass a lot).

Basically we can’t win. Be miserable at home, or be awkward out and about.

#WeAreDebatingSendingBToNurseryOneDayAWeek #IFeelQuiteTornAboutItAsIAmNotMakingEnoughMoneyAtTheMomentToJustifyIt#AndIFeelGuiltyThatSheWouldBeInNurseryWhileIAmJustFaffingAboutAtHome

If more things were open I think it would not be so bad. Classes/play groups/activities would be cheaper than nursery and pass the day nicely. I guess things will have to reopen soon, but can my sanity wait until then?

#IFeelLikeItLooksLikeIDoNotWantToSpendTimeWithHer #ILoveHerALotButIAmJustTiredAndMaybeSheWouldHaveMoreFunSpendingADayWithOtherKids

It’s very full on. I make it harder for myself by getting stressed out about anything and everything – is she eating okay, is she being entertained, is she getting enough stimulation? This week our usual baby classes aren’t on, and we tend to do YouTube classes using the TV, but my Nan does not like them. Fun times.

#ThenICanUseMyFreeTimeToFigureOutWhatIWantToDoWithMyLifeAndProbablySpendALotOfMyTimeMissingBAndFeelingGuilty

I am feeling a bit lost.

#ThenWhenWeAreReunitedIWillHopefullyHaveMoreEnthusiasmAfterHavingSomeMoreMeTime

I hope so.

#IDoWorryThatIWillJustWasteMyFreeTimeThoughTiagoSaysItIsFineIfIJustSpendTheFirstTimeSleeping

I am used to having to work quite fast, so having a whole day to do stuff just seems incomprehensible. I’d have to make a plan and be quite strict with myself as otherwise I’d feel really guilty. Factoring in relaxing time is fine, but I’d need to get stuff done.

I just imagine leaving B there and her crying her eyes out. She’d get over it after a bit and it’d be better for the whole family perhaps. I remember going to nursery/playgroup and absolutely loving it but I was a bit older.

If playgroups reopened soon that would be really good… B would have fun and I could have a chat. That seems like a dream at the moment though.

Simple things.

#ThinkingAboutItSendingHerToNurseryIncreasesOurRiskOfHavingToSelfIsolateAndThatWouldBeNoFun

I reedited my hashtags to fit this in. As much as I’d love more me/free time, it seems a bit risky to send her to nursery when we don’t really need to. If someone tests positive, we have to self-isolate which means no walks, we can’t just go to the supermarket when we need something, and my Mum can’t visit.

It’s an annoying situation, but a lot of people have a lot more problems so I just need to get over it.


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