I think it will be chaotic, but it will be nice to have a record of our early days together. (Well, we managed it a couple of days later. I was dreading it all day, but it actually went quite well. Phew!)
I’ve pumped (well more massaged) a couple of times, though not in a week, but I hope I will not have to do much of it. I just get worried about getting mastitis, but now I know that if she does not have it all now she might have it at the next feed.
The second time we were late as she was hungry and I thought it might make the difference between her being over or under. We arrived and they were running late anyways, so had to wait for a while. Tiago just waited in the car and worked both times.
B had some form of talipes – I just searched on my blog and she also had positional talipes, though I never got told to do the massage with her. B had to wear double nappies for a bit due to clicky hips.
Before I’d let her walk a bit or walk all the way to the playground. Maybe I will again at some point but for now it is better if she sits in her seat. This seat is better as she can not wriggle down and escape like she could in her old one – where she used to sit is now the bassinet with L.
She brought my shoes to me (without me asking) before we went for a walk. I thought she might throw one so I took it off her, turned around to do up the baby carrier and turned back to see my other shoe bouncing and L started to cry…
I was sure I had put them in a cupboard in our bedroom, but nope. There is a shoulder bag of mine that I have not seen in the couple of weeks that I have been searching, so I am wondering if they are in there, but I kind of doubt it. Thinking about it there is another bag of mine that I haven’t seen either… Hmm. The shoulder bag is probably just full of my bags…
We have a couple of new sleepsuits that we got as B’s are a bit overwashed and worn as she lived in them, so we need to get a couple more and some vests really. That’s it. I’ve found some cardigans and hats.
I’m enjoying reading a book about the Carpenters at the moment. It’s just a short read, then I will reread the book. To be fair I wrote down the main points in an email to myself and it’s enough really, but I feel like I’d feel calmer if I reread the book.
I don’t want to pump as much as I did last time, but it’s good to be organised. I wasn’t planning to pump at all last time, but we got given a pump and a friend lent us the steriliser so we were all set up for it when we got home from hospital.
B goes to bed and we’re like ‘freedom to do what we want’, which is me usually sitting at my computer doing some work, then stretching, and T is usually just having some time to himself and doing bits of work. I guess us not having our own place has made it this way too.
3 and a half years in London in 2 different places a brief stay at my Nan’s while finding a place to live in Liverpool (lots of trips up and down to view places and work etc.), 2 years in Liverpool, then to Birmingham to live with my Nan (we weren’t sure how long we would live with her and had planned to find somewhere of our own to rent in Brum, but it’s too late now).
It’s been nice to see my Nan everyday and not worry about her, though it has been frustrating at times – which says more about me than her. It’s been good for her though, and it’s been good for B too. It’s been nice for my family to see more of B than they would have if we had stayed in Liverpool – especially due to Covid.
35 weeks pregnant with B comparison:
This is from a diptych, but the second image is quite booby.
I feel the same as I did when I wrote these hashtags – I am still quite nervous that I might not be be a mother of two soon.
I don’t feel like the best mother at times – especially at the moment as I have no energy – but I know I am not the worst and that I am doing my best (or maybe 90% of my best).
There haven’t been many lazy days in bed or much lying on the grass side by side… Hopefully in the coming years.
I am excited though, but I am feeling a bit nervous too.
My hypnobirthing notes are mainly about breathing and trying to be as relaxed as possible.
See, by this point I had washed all the baby clothes. I need to get on it and find things!
I think I have cared less about how I look with this pregnancy, but I also have not been going out to work and generally people just see me when I take B out and about. I’ve been stretching a lot, and I do get out for daily walks, and I think I am a bit kinder to my body now after birthing one kid.
My mental health has been better in ways during this pregnancy as we want two kids, and I felt a bit lost just living at my Nan’s and waiting for our move, so it made sense to have the second one now. The living situation has been frustrating at times though, and I do look forward to having our own place again – and I’m sure my Nan will like to feel more relaxed in her house again. I know we have been lucky with this situation, and my Nan has benefitted from it too, but we can’t all live like this forever.
It had not been so cold, but that day it had been freezing and once the sun went down it was even colder. B didn’t want to be in her pushchair, but we didn’t want her running around all over the place and Tiago couldn’t keep carrying her.
I was freaked out by how many people were there. I knew it would be busy, but I had not seen so many people in a small space in a very long time. I’m glad that masks are being made mandatory for shops and public transport again…
I was stood at the front of the car, so I can run either way to catch her in case she falls out and it was a big fail. I was worried Tiago would tell me off, but he said it happens. I told our friend and she said she was surprised that it had not happened yet…
Tiago had said that something else bad was probably going to happen that day. I do believe in the ‘rule of 3’… Luckily she fell half onto a cushion/a thick rug. She usually turns around and climbs down backwards, but I think she is starting to get more confident/is a bit of a daredevil.
Turning the porridge into pancakes just felt like effort. She had started to go too impatient in the mornings so she’d been having just the porridge. Now we warm it up and a bit and now our mornings are a bit easier.
The other day I was lying down and she was trying to touch my eyes. This morning Tiago was holding her, and B was looking at him lovingly and then tried to touch his eyes. She’s more obsessed with touching her own nose though…
She adapts well to new things. I like to think I adapt quickly. I just asked Tiago how he adapts and he said ‘adapting to stuff is my work’.
30 weeks pregnant with B comparison:
My dreams have been quite vivid lately. Last night I dreamed that my Nan died and one of my sisters was in the process of buying her house…
As B slept so well last night I slept well and didn’t go to the toilet in the night. Hurrah. When B wakes up in the night I usually wait 15 mins before going into her room, and usually pop to the toilet beforehand as there is a big weight pressing on my bladder.
I lay awake for a little bit last night thinking that we should probably buy the other things we need soon. We need to look at another car seat and a heater for our room.
I haven’t done many reshoots for this project, but there have been a couple of times where I just really didn’t like the photos. Looking back I think there are a few shoots that could have been way better, but … oh well.
She had two kids and always wanted more. She used the excuse that she has 8 siblings, but I said it is only because contraception didn’t really exist then otherwise I doubt her mum would have had so many. She said true…
Her shoes are so grippy that they help her a lot, but hinder her if she wants to slide down, which to be honest she rarely does. I think she also likes to hang on the slide and use it as a watch tower.
I think it is usually dropped by 17 months, so she has less than 2 months left. Earlier I put her to sleep without her sleeping bag, just as she crawled into her cot and seemed quite happy so I did not want to take her out and put her in it – I had tried to get her to come out and have it put on, but nope.
20 weeks pregnant with B comparison:
My belly button seemed quite pushed out from an early stage this time, but I didn’t document it as it was not so interesting to me this time.
Scans went quite differently – with baby X it was a lot less faff and we found out that it’s a girl. With B we didn’t find out until she was born, and I had to go back so they could take all the measurements. I’m interested to see if this will reflect in their personalities, but I would say that B is pretty chill, so will baby X be even more chilled? We will have to wait and see.
(7th October: Notice how I even wore the same outfit, and Tiago wore the same shirt for his arm’s appearance. My hair is even a similar length, but I rarely wear it down anymore due to the large cyst on my head. Lovely. Plus if I wear it half up I don’t have to wash my hair so much. Win.
My first scan with B was earlier as I’d had some bleeding and had to go to the hospital. Obviously everything was fine.)
The idea of me being more pregnant had long gone from my mind, though I guess I was still clinging to the remote possibility of it. I just want time to go by, but as I’ve said before my hospital said there would not be a bed for me if I was more pregnant.
I was getting bored. The staff were so lovely though so I was not annoyed at them, as these things happen. Just having a full bladder had been quite uncomfortable, so I just mentioned ‘hey you want us to have a full bladder but then you make us wait’. Also due to wearing masks you can’t sit in the waiting room and keep drinking. I was quite thirsty and hungry by the time we left, I was surprised they managed to get blood from me.
To be fair, they don’t usually say ‘is anyone graduating today?’ but the teachers like B, so maybe they wanted to draw attention to it? Who knows. She did the class in her usual fashion of stealing everyone’s stuff, crawling under the parachute and faffing about, and just going round seeing everyone.
She does like to look at the other babies, but I guess as their parents are there she usually is a little shy. She saw the doll was unattended and went for it. It was one of those dolls where the eyes close when you lie it down, so she was intrigued by that I think. Bless her.
13 weeks pregnant with B comparison:
7th October (I usually write this section on the day I post, but I forget to mention that):
I was definitely more ill with B than I have been this pregnancy. I think all the extra handwashing has helped, plus probably not being in close proximity with so many people a lot of the time.
With this pregnancy I am working more freelance than I was with B, and am basically a stay at Mum who does some admin stuff and works on my photography/video projects. Looking after B is a full-time job though, but I am not on my feet all the time but I probably am more than when I was pregnant with B.
Reading those hashtags I had no idea that Covid was coming. I was worried about how being ill would affect womb B, but at this point I was waiting to get vaccinated and worrying about catching Covid. It’s weird reading the posts from this time as it was not long ago (I’m quite behind with posting but this was the end of July and it’s the start of October now), and seeing how stressed out I was.
I realised yesterday (and expressed to Tiago) that I often have really negative daydreams where something happens to baby X. I just need to try to relax more.
B was born on a rainy day in June and giving birth then was bad enough. Love and respect to all the heavily pregnant people suffering in the heat right now. Or less so pregnant people who are still finding it hard – trying to stay hydrated is a task.
The night before it was a nappy and a light sleeping bag, but her room was a lot hotter last night. She did wake up a few times. I think about putting her beaker of water in her cot, but I worry she will just spit it everywhere. Might have to try it as her bed would dry out quick anyways…
A friend mentioned it at a party and I had looked at one via Instagram the week before. I can’t remember the last time I went in a shop. I guess I did go in a newsagents a few weeks ago, but out for a full on shopping expedition? What is one of those?
I had not really even started our shoe search yet. Thanks Mum.
Great. She’d done a flow test that day as she does them two times a week, but also a pregnant friend was coming into the salon that day. I told her I was pregnant as we talk about everything. It was nice to have a chat with someone else. Another hairdresser’s sister in law had tested positive for Covid, so it’s definitely going up in the area…
My Mum said my electrolytes were probably out of balance which doesn’t help.
She was saying you can make your own with a spoon of sugar, spoon of salt, and water, but I have been drinking a sports drink in small amounts at a time with ice. Living the dream. I might try a homemade lemon and lime solution later.
I did not feel like eating dinner and didn’t eat that much (there wasn’t much left anyways). I haven’t been sick since (two days), but I have dry heaved a few times. Fun times.
In my last post (I think) I said I had not been sick in two days, and then I was sick 3 times the next day.
It’s 6.50am. I have dry heaved today. Off to stretch then join my family. We’ll do a shoot later.
11 weeks pregnant with B comparison:
I feel like I’ve talked less about my boobs in my project this time. I feel like they took longer to get bigger or I just did not notice. I’ve had to put some balm on my nipples, but not as early as I did the first time.
I guess being pregnant while having a kid is different to being pregnant with no kids. As a stay at home Mum most of my day is spent with B and my brain is normally thinking of 5 things at once (or so it seems).
I think my bump was probably more food than a baby, but now (24th September) it is definitely more baby.
I’m still upset that I forgot about the sour sweets this time.
2nd August: I’m not totally sure on the photo editing. I had edited it differently, but I did not like it. I prefer this, but I’m still not sure. I like how B has one hand on Tiago and one on me though.
NCT being the National Childcare Trust. We did a course with them to learn about looking after a baby, but also as we wanted to meet people as we didn’t know many people in Liverpool. And then we left.
It was fairly cold at the park for the party, so I thought the next day would be more of the same. I had shaved my legs in a hurry before we left Brum and cut my ankle quite badly (I’ve never cut myself that much shaving in my life). If I had known it would have been so hot I would have had no leggings on and worn sandals. Oh well. That’s what we get for being away from home and not checking the weather as much.
We travelled to Liverpool when it was time for her first nap. We had left a little earlier and the first wake window is meant to be 2 hours 45 minutes to 3 hours. She fell asleep pretty much on 2 hours 45 minutes.
We know she can get away with being awake a little longer if she has to.
I was hoping to have a nap myself and read more of Pregnant Then Screwed, instead I was doing a lot of singing and stressing out.
Lighter sleeping bag or shorter sleeved top? We went for shorter sleeved top and it seemed okay. If it’s this hot in May I am worried for August, but we’ll hopefully get better at judging what she needs to wear.
She’s been around for 11 months and this is our eighth, so we haven’t missed many really.
Now I feel like if we want to keep doing them monthly then we need to take them at the end of the month. I thought maybe we could try next Saturday instead, but it’s 1st May. So nope, today is the day!
We are yet to take it, so hopefully we’re all still in the mood later.
(26th May: Well, we managed it. It’s not the best picture, but it was the best out of a bad bunch. Originally I edited it so that she had two left arms (and one was holding a ball), but I didn’t do it very well so I had another go with it last week or so and I much prefer this.)
I think that maybe I need to start being proactive and try to find a spare vaccine. There must be some going to waste every day?
Tiago asked a steward and they said to call around 11am, but that the person at reception might be annoyed. Can’t wait to call…
On Thursday we had no plans and I felt super tired so it’s definitely a good idea. If I know we have some plans here and there then I feel better, so now it’s about finding the right balance. Maybe as I get used to socialising again we can do more.
She seemed to be asleep and I was standing outside of the kid’s playground as I thought the squeaky gate might wake her up. Went through the gate and thought I’d got away with it even though it SQUEAKED, then after not very long I realised she was awake. Fail. We can try again in the future, but maybe it’s best if it is a walk and not somewhere where there are a lot of kids. Luckily I knew we had the rest of the day to make it up.
I had debated just going home, but thought I shouldn’t as it used to be fully booked and I have whined before about people not turning up. I nearly couldn’t find anyone as the person was running late, but just as I was about to give up I found them.
I was so stressed out by this point and not in the mood to talk to people anyways. I think we will give the walk a miss in future as B doesn’t like to be stuck in her pushchair for an hour – which I have said before.
I was also glad to go home as it was a warm day and I had washed my water bottle, but it tasted so much of soap. I rinsed it out loads yesterday and it still does. Blergh.
Usually when I stop pushing her she wakes up, but she was in a deep sleep. I felt bad waking her but I was not sure what to do with her schedule. I was hoping if she had a shorter nap that she would be tired enough to have an earlier nap.
Hurrah. It was only 2 hours after I had woken her up, and she is usually awake for 3 and a half hours after her first nap so it went well. I tried to nap, but it was difficult. I think I only had 10 minutes, then I read some of the 3rd Narnia book – The Horse and His Boy. I am really enjoying the series.
So it is super stressful for me. Though some parents may read this and be like ‘you need to chill more’. Hopefully with time! I had packed lunch for her in case we wanted to have lunch out after the walk – maybe next time!
I just want her to sleep well as she hasn’t been so much lately – until the last couple of nights. T said maybe she is going through a leap. Checked the app. Lightning sign over the next few weeks. Okay.
We hadn’t even started to wean her before we moved here, and now she is picking chunks of butternut squash out of her porridge and chewing them down fairly nicely – there was a little choke this morning.
The trip used to be a right faff without a baby and a pandemic, so let’s see how it goes. Two flights, probably starting off from Manchester or London, maybe getting cancelled due to Covid, maybe having to isolate somewhere, yeah I am already stressed. Tiago hasn’t seen his family in 18 months and he hasn’t been to his home island in 2 years…
(26th May: H got his passport last week. I knew it came quicker than we thought it would, but wow that was fast. The site said it was a 10 week wait…)
The only room with a plain/empty wall in this house is B’s room, and the windows are on one side of it. Hello shadow. So I tried with flash and they said it was rubbish, so I said Tiago should go to a shop and get it done. I did B’s fine, but I think they are less fussy with babies.
The stepladder that I sit on to feed her in her highchair, the sofa that my Nan sits on, the tables that house things like photo frames and vases, and the glass shelves under the TV which she pushes the cushion away from to do so. Fun times.
I just felt embarrassed. She’s like ‘do you eat a lot of sugar?’, but I said I’m paying for my teenage/early 20s sugar sins.
I was known in high school for my addiction to a certain sugary drink and I was sure one day I’d get a tattoo related to it. I’m glad to say that I have no tattoos. I had that certain drink while at a hospital for a pregnancy scan (when pregnant with B) and they wanted her to change positions. They told me to get a sugary drink and walk up and down the corridors. The drink tasted disgusting (probably due to less sugar) and she did not move.
Classic. She does love smacking my laptop a bit too much.
(21st April: I think the final shot is a bit messy with the composition, but this was the reality of trying to do a shoot. I’m never sure what to use to cover B’s face, but I liked how her hand was so I instinctively copied and pasted it, then enlarged it to cover her features better. It fits well with something I like in photos – hands.)
With my job. I really need to check the weather before I go out as it changes so fast. Today I just wore a coat the whole time as it was spitting constantly (the weather).
My sister got us a device for Xmas. We didn’t think we’d need it, but it has become really useful – my hands are usually covered in porridge when I want to change songs. I just wish they’d sort out the volume control on them as turning the volume up by one usually makes it way too loud, or turning it down by one makes it too quiet. Hard life.
I mentioned that the other night I was watching the monitor and then got really worried about B. I knew I was being silly, but sometimes you just get stuck in these thoughts.
I’ve mentioned before about me finding it easier to be negative about things. I finished reading Untamed last week and there was a bit where she talks about becoming more positive and then someone commenting that they now find it hard to relate to her. Food for thought.
Sorry Tiago – I was a bit too wrapped up in my own thoughts and feelings. These hashtags today are making me feel awkward. Maybe this whole project is a bit too self obsessed. Maybe I am self obsessed? I was wondering about that the other night.
Merriam-Webster says ‘excessively preoccupied with oneself or with one’s own concerns’.
Hmm, yes and no. I feel like I could write an essay about this, but I want to finish writing this so I can make some scones for B while she is still asleep (and catch-up on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK).
I am hoping a family portrait will accompany this. I want to try to include Nan, but let’s see.
(7th February: Well, we did a shoot. We tried to do some more ‘typical’ family portraits, but it ended up being a bit more documentary which is quite nice actually. Typically I talk about Tiago not wearing glasses in them, but he ended up having them on this time. Maybe we’ll get Nan in a future shoot.)
I could not get out of bed to go to her at 5.30am. I talked to her through the baby monitor, and then turned the heating on in her room via my phone. Eventually she went back to sleep.
Tiago tends to get up with her. He tells me to rest, but my brain is usually just thinking about what I want to do today. I did some yoga and posted a blog post. Then I came back to write the hashtags after Tiago said I could have another half an hour. I planned to write the blog post then too, but nope!
I knew they would probably put it online afterwards, but I did not want to miss it just in case. I also like to try to attend events when they happen as it is somewhat easier to see it live than watch a recording – did that make any sense? I was just lying in bed watching it, which I probably would not do with a recording – I’d feel like I had to sit at my desk and work on other things which is not necessarily bad.
An article did once call me the Queen of Awkward, and I think that is still the case.
I’ve been thinking about trying to get funding for my work. Trying to balance ‘normal’ work, personal work and looking after a baby is a bit tough. Other people get funding to make their personal work, so why can’t I?
I am writing this more just as a reminder to myself. Maybe there is more I can do with the hashtags? I want to experiment with and learn about other art forms. I think with photography I just know how it all works and though my confidence is low I will show it, whereas with other art forms I just feel a bit lost and unsure. A few years ago I was painting a bit and sharing them, but then I felt awkward and I started a project that required me to travel so it got put on the back burner. I need to go back to things and I need to make time to try things.
I can’t believe how much free time I used to have that I completely wasted. I should have relaxed more, tried new things and just lived a bit more.