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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Pan/Drum During Online Baby Classes (10th February 2021)

Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Pan/Drum During Online Baby Classes (10th February 2021)
 
#AYearAgoTiagoAndIWereInOsloForAFewDaysAfterMyVeryFirstSoloShowHadOpened
#ItFeltLikeACelebrationOfMyPreBabyLifeInAWay
#IWas20ishWeeksPregnantAndFeelingALittleWorriedAboutCovid
#INeverWouldHaveThoughtThatItWouldBeTheYearThatItHas
#IMentionMyShowNotToBoastButAsAHappyReminderToMyself
#OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow
#TheOtherDayIWasFeelingBurnedOutInGeneral
#AndNowIJustFeelABitMopeyAndWhyDoIBotherDoingAllMyWork
#IKnowWhyAndItIsBecauseItIsTherapeuticForMe
#IAmGladWeMovedAsWeHaveTheExtraSupportAndIThinkIWouldBeSuperMiserableInLiverpoolRightNow
#ILovedTheCityButWeJustFeltVeryStuckThereAndIFeltBadNotBeingAbleToSeeMyNan
#DuringTheWeekITendToDoTwoBabyClassesWithBInTheDay
#OneInTheMorningFromYoutubeAndOneLiveOnZoomSoSheCanSeeOtherBabies
#NextWeekItIsHalfTermAndTheLiveClassesAreNotOnSoINeedToStepMyMotheringGameUpABit
#IKnowWeAreLuckyAndThatThingsCouldBeALotWorse
#ButThisAllDoesSuckQuiteABit
#NowIWonderIfWeWillEvenBeAbleToSeeTiagosFamilyThisYear
#IImaginedBsEarlyLifeToBeVeryDifferentThoughLuckilySheDoesNotKnowThatSheIsMissingOutOnThings
#IThinkIFailToMentionHowSupportiveTiagoIsAsWell
#HeDoesALotForUsAndHeLooksAfterMyNanReallyWell
#YesterdayBStartedToClapALittleBitWhichWasQuiteCute
#IGotHerSomeFarmAnimalPuppetsAfterSeeingHerReactionToThemInHerBabyClasses
#IThinkSheIsHappyButIJustWantHerToBeAbleToHangOutWithMorePeopleAndBabiesInRealLife
#HopefullyWhenTheWeatherImprovesRulesWillHaveRelaxedABitAndWeCanJustSitOutsideWithMorePeople
#HerSkinSeemsALittleBetterAtLeastButIThinkItWillTakeAWhileToReturnToNormal
#TalkingAboutMyWorkAgainThoughLastNightIHadADreamThatIWonACompetitionInTimorLeste
#IWasCryingOnThePhoneBecauseIFeltLikeINeededTheConfidenceBoostAndDidNotEvenCareAboutHowMuchTheCallWasCostingMe
#TheWorkThatIWonWithWasReallyBizarreThoughLikePhotoshoppedSeascapesWithSeaCreaturesAndThings
#SoIWasBitGuttedThatItWasNotForMyMotherhoodProjectOrSomethingMoreMeaningfulToMe
#IGuessIAmFeelingABitLostAtTheMomentButItWillSoonPass

#AYearAgoTiagoAndIWereInOsloForAFewDaysAfterMyVeryFirstSoloShowHadOpened

Thanks Vasli Souza for the lovely show of my work. Installation shots and info here.

#ItFeltLikeACelebrationOfMyPreBabyLifeInAWay

I was hoping that I’d still be able to keep making work (I knew I’d find a way) and it was showing pictures from my pre-baby projects.

#IWas20ishWeeksPregnantAndFeelingALittleWorriedAboutCovid

I posted a picture on my insta story of a guy next to me on the plane invading my personal space. I was freaked out. I was trying to keep my distance and washing and sanitising my hands whenever I could. I bought some hand sanitiser at the airport.

#INeverWouldHaveThoughtThatItWouldBeTheYearThatItHas

Did any of us?

#IMentionMyShowNotToBoastButAsAHappyReminderToMyself #OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow

I think they’re more frequent occurrences than ‘once in a while’ to be fair.

(1st March – I’m currently in another patch. They are obviously more often than I thought, as I did not realise that the last patch was a few weeks ago…)

#TheOtherDayIWasFeelingBurnedOutInGeneral

Tired. I spent B’s naps in bed etc.

#AndNowIJustFeelABitMopeyAndWhyDoIBotherDoingAllMyWork #IKnowWhyAndItIsBecauseItIsTherapeuticForMe

Sometimes I do feel like I could just be relaxing instead of tiring myself out by doing my own stuff, but I do need to do it for my own sanity. Writing these hashtags took a while too as I felt a bit awkward and meh. I have no idea what I am going to do for the shoot. I think I might try and do something a bit more creative for my own sake…

#IAmGladWeMovedAsWeHaveTheExtraSupportAndIThinkIWouldBeSuperMiserableInLiverpoolRightNow #ILovedTheCityButWeJustFeltVeryStuckThereAndIFeltBadNotBeingAbleToSeeMyNan

I was calling my Nan on the phone every day and she sounded miserable, and I felt bad not being able to do anything to make her feel better.

#DuringTheWeekITendToDoTwoBabyClassesWithBInTheDay

I may have mentioned this recently, but what else do we do besides try to go out for a walk once a day? Yeah not much.

#OneInTheMorningFromYoutubeAndOneLiveOnZoomSoSheCanSeeOtherBabies

I have started to arrive early to them now as it’s usually the same class every day. Yesterday we were two minutes late and there was only one other Mum and baby there, so they were probably relieved that we turned up. Or maybe they were disappointed as they wanted the class to themselves?

#NextWeekItIsHalfTermAndTheLiveClassesAreNotOnSoINeedToStepMyMotheringGameUpABit

I like the live classes as it gives us something to aim for each day. I also like that I know she has had some ‘proper stimulation’, but I know most of the exercises/things we do off my heart now anyways.

#IKnowWeAreLuckyAndThatThingsCouldBeALotWorse

I feel bad whining as I know that a lot of people have lost and suffered a lot. I’m just pissed because my baby can’t meet a lot of my friends and I’m bored of WhatsApp groups. The group baby walk we were meant to go on got cancelled due to the smallest amount of snow…

#ButThisAllDoesSuckQuiteABit

Erghhhhhh.

#NowIWonderIfWeWillEvenBeAbleToSeeTiagosFamilyThisYear

There was talk on the TV yesterday about summer holidays. For now the rules are strict which is good BUT WHY WASN’T IT THIS STRICT 11 MONTHS AGO.

It must be hard for Tiago to not see his family/visit his home country/not be able to introduce his baby to everyone. He hasn’t even seen his London friends in over a year…

#IImaginedBsEarlyLifeToBeVeryDifferentThoughLuckilySheDoesNotKnowThatSheIsMissingOutOnThings

I was getting emotional writing all this. I had a conversation with a friend yesterday who feels like his young daughter is missing out. I said that I think it won’t affect them too much, but who knows.

It upset me that B cried so much when she last saw my Dad. Luckily she gets to see my Nan, Mum and younger sister on a regular basis in real life so that she does know more people really exist.

#IThinkIFailToMentionHowSupportiveTiagoIsAsWell #HeDoesALotForUsAndHeLooksAfterMyNanReallyWell

Of course he is B’s Dad, but it means a lot to me when he looks after her so I can do some work. He is more cheerful than me and has a strong positive presence which is great. He does spoil my Nan by buying her favourite fruit pies and he sits and talks to her while I work in the evenings.

#YesterdayBStartedToClapALittleBitWhichWasQuiteCute

She hasn’t done it yet today, but she was doing it before her first nap and then during her baby class and the teacher commented on it.

(Sad but when teacher’s praise B it makes me feel good. I need it.)

#IGotHerSomeFarmAnimalPuppetsAfterSeeingHerReactionToThemInHerBabyClasses

I spend a lot of the day making animal noises now. I was singing to her on the swing the other day and another Mum smiled at us as she went past with her baby. I felt a bit awkward as I realised she could probably hear me. Lately we seem to go to the playground at quiet times. It’s better for B as I talk/sing to her more while she swings, but she likes to look at other people…

#IThinkSheIsHappyButIJustWantHerToBeAbleToHangOutWithMorePeopleAndBabiesInRealLife #HopefullyWhenTheWeatherImprovesRulesWillHaveRelaxedABitAndWeCanJustSitOutsideWithMorePeople

Bring on the summerrrr. My Mum suggested getting some fake grass for the garden, so she can crawl around outside more. It’s all bricks outside at the moment, and it’d be nice to casually sit outside and not worry about the floor being too hard. We’ll see.

#HerSkinSeemsALittleBetterAtLeastButIThinkItWillTakeAWhileToReturnToNormal

This new ointment seems to keep her skin hydrated for longer. Hurrah.

#TalkingAboutMyWorkAgainThoughLastNightIHadADreamThatIWonACompetitionInTimorLeste

Random. It was an internet competition and I spent a lot of the dream trying to figure out when I entered it and what the prize was. I never found out. Probably for the best as I woke up disappointed that I had not won.

Awkward.

#IWasCryingOnThePhoneBecauseIFeltLikeINeededTheConfidenceBoostAndDidNotEvenCareAboutHowMuchTheCallWasCostingMe

Also awkward.

#TheWorkThatIWonWithWasReallyBizarreThoughLikePhotoshoppedSeascapesWithSeaCreaturesAndThings

Bizarre for me/my work.

#SoIWasBitGuttedThatItWasNotForMyMotherhoodProjectOrSomethingMoreMeaningfulToMe

Winners can’t be choosers?

#IGuessIAmFeelingABitLostAtTheMomentButItWillSoonPass

I rarely enter competitions now as I’d rather use the time to make work or do something with guaranteed results/an outcome, so I don’t think I’ll be winning anything soon.

I’ll get over it.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Sixth Family Portrait (6th February 2021)

Sixth Family Portrait (6th February 2021)
 
#BHasStartedToSquealAndScreechALotInTheLastWeek
#ICallHerMyScreecherCreature
#NanMadeMeLaughTheOtherDayWhenSheAskedBIfSheWasAnOperaSinger
#SheAlsoKeptSayingHowCleverIWasAfterIOpenedAJarOfMarmalade
#BNowAlsoLikesToJustEatTheLabelsOnAnything
#SheWillBeSatInHerHighchairWithFoodInFrontOfHerAndSheJustWantsToEatTheLabelOnHerBib
#IAmWorriedThatBsFirstWordWillBeSkipDueToMeAlwaysSkippingSongsWhileSheEats
#SometimesINearlyCallHerAlexa
#IWasWorriedThatSheWouldThinkThatWasHerNameButIfISayAlexaSheLooksInTheDirectionOfTheMachine
#NowWhenSheDropsHerCupFromHerHighchairSheClosesHerEyesAndAnticipatesTheSoundOfItHittingTheFloor
#SheHasHadSomeReallyDryPatchesOnHerBodyForAWhileAndItIsStartingToUpsetMeABit
#WeApplyCreamALotButWeJustNeedToApplyItMore
#IHaveOrderedSomeOtherStuffThatAFriendRecommendedSoHopefullyItComesSoon
#SheHasADryPatchDevelopingOnHerFaceNowWhichMakesMeFeelWorse
#IUsedToGetReallyDrySkinWhenIWasYoungerThough
#IRememberHavingAReallyDryPatchRightByMyEyeForAbout6MonthsOrSoWhichMadeMeFeelWonderfulInHighSchool
#AnywaysAfterMyLastEntryISpokeToTheWomanWhoChecksOnMeEveryCoupleOfWeeks
#SheSaysIAmDoingEverythingPossibleButIJustNeedToBeMorePositiveAndKickNegativeThoughtsAway
#SheAskedHowTiagoIsAndIFeltBadAsIHadNotReallyThoughtAboutHowRecentEventsMightMakeHimFeel
#WeHadTalkedAboutItABitButIWasTooObsessedWithWhatOrWasNotHappeningToMyBodyAndHowIWasFeelingSoIMadeSureWeSpokeAboutItLater
#BIsGettingVeryQuickAtRemovingTiagosGlassesFromHisFace
#IJustRealisedThatHeUsuallyTakesThemOffForTheFamilyPortraitsSoSomePeopleMightNotBeAwareThatHeWearsThem
#WeProbablyStayedUpTooLateLastNight
#BWokeUpAtFiveThirtyButLuckilySheWentBackToSleepAfterAWhileAndThenTiagoGotHerUpAt7
#TheNightBeforeIWantedToGoToBedEarlyAsIWantedAGoodNapBeforeWakingUpForATalkAtMidnight
#ObviouslyIBarelyNappedAndThenICouldNotSleepForTwoHoursAfterTheTalkAsIFeltSoInspired
#IFeelSoGuiltyForMakingWorkAboutMyselfButThenIRealiseThatALotOfOtherPeopleAreDoingIt
#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAboutSoManyThingsAndJustCareLess
#IWantToGetMoreIntoPoetryAndOrCreativeWritingButIDoNotReallyKnowWhereToStart
#LastNightISuddenlyFeltInspiredToTryToWriteAPoemButItJustSeemedToTurnIntoMyHashtagWriting

#BHasStartedToSquealAndScreechALotInTheLastWeek

Typically it’s always after someone else mentions that their baby is squealing a lot.

#ICallHerMyScreecherCreature

She seems to like any names that rhyme – Pissy Missy has made her laugh on a few occasions…

#NanMadeMeLaughTheOtherDayWhenSheAskedBIfSheWasAnOperaSinger

I would love it if B did something to do with music. We attend enough music classes. This week we did one everyday again.

#SheAlsoKeptSayingHowCleverIWasAfterIOpenedAJarOfMarmalade

I could hear her telling Tiago how smart I was. Then later on she was telling me that I can do anything. This did start after I opened a jar of marmalade for her.

Nan’s a great cheerleader, though I wish she understood what I do with most of my free time and cheer me on with my art things. I feel like I need it…

#BNowAlsoLikesToJustEatTheLabelsOnAnything #SheWillBeSatInHerHighchairWithFoodInFrontOfHerAndSheJustWantsToEatTheLabelOnHerBib

Tiago got her up and looked after her this morning. I came into the room and B was eating a label on a cuddly toy…

#IAmWorriedThatBsFirstWordWillBeSkipDueToMeAlwaysSkippingSongsWhileSheEats #SometimesINearlyCallHerAlexa #IWasWorriedThatSheWouldThinkThatWasHerNameButIfISayAlexaSheLooksInTheDirectionOfTheMachine

My sister got us a device for Xmas. We didn’t think we’d need it, but it has become really useful – my hands are usually covered in porridge when I want to change songs. I just wish they’d sort out the volume control on them as turning the volume up by one usually makes it way too loud, or turning it down by one makes it too quiet. Hard life.

#NowWhenSheDropsHerCupFromHerHighchairSheClosesHerEyesAndAnticipatesTheSoundOfItHittingTheFloor

It is quite cute when she closes her eyes, but now I know she knows what she is doing.

She’s started to pick the cup up herself, but she drinks from it in weird ways. I’ll have to imitate it for a photo one day…

#SheHasHadSomeReallyDryPatchesOnHerBodyForAWhileAndItIsStartingToUpsetMeABit #WeApplyCreamALotButWeJustNeedToApplyItMore #IHaveOrderedSomeOtherStuffThatAFriendRecommendedSoHopefullyItComesSoon #SheHasADryPatchDevelopingOnHerFaceNowWhichMakesMeFeelWorse

I think I have mentioned it, but I’ve also not because I feel so bad about it.

Some days it does seem to be getting better, but then it goes bad again. I showed my Mum and she said to keep applying cream, though I’m hoping this other stuff will work.

#IUsedToGetReallyDrySkinWhenIWasYoungerThough #IRememberHavingAReallyDryPatchRightByMyEyeForAbout6MonthsOrSoWhichMadeMeFeelWonderfulInHighSchool

Mmm crusty eye. I’ve got a bit of a dry patch by my left eye right now – I think my eye has been getting dry from being on a computer more lately, so I was itching it and now the skin is upset. Great.

#AnywaysAfterMyLastEntryISpokeToTheWomanWhoChecksOnMeEveryCoupleOfWeeks #SheSaysIAmDoingEverythingPossibleButIJustNeedToBeMorePositiveAndKickNegativeThoughtsAway

I mentioned that the other night I was watching the monitor and then got really worried about B. I knew I was being silly, but sometimes you just get stuck in these thoughts.

I’ve mentioned before about me finding it easier to be negative about things. I finished reading Untamed last week and there was a bit where she talks about becoming more positive and then someone commenting that they now find it hard to relate to her. Food for thought.

#SheAskedHowTiagoIsAndIFeltBadAsIHadNotReallyThoughtAboutHowRecentEventsMightMakeHimFeel #WeHadTalkedAboutItABitButIWasTooObsessedWithWhatOrWasNotHappeningToMyBodyAndHowIWasFeelingSoIMadeSureWeSpokeAboutItLater

Sorry Tiago – I was a bit too wrapped up in my own thoughts and feelings. These hashtags today are making me feel awkward. Maybe this whole project is a bit too self obsessed. Maybe I am self obsessed? I was wondering about that the other night.

Merriam-Webster says ‘excessively preoccupied with oneself or with one’s own concerns’.

Hmm, yes and no. I feel like I could write an essay about this, but I want to finish writing this so I can make some scones for B while she is still asleep (and catch-up on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK).

#BIsGettingVeryQuickAtRemovingTiagosGlassesFromHisFace

Super speedy.

#IJustRealisedThatHeUsuallyTakesThemOffForTheFamilyPortraitsSoSomePeopleMightNotBeAwareThatHeWearsThem

I am hoping a family portrait will accompany this. I want to try to include Nan, but let’s see.

(7th February: Well, we did a shoot. We tried to do some more ‘typical’ family portraits, but it ended up being a bit more documentary which is quite nice actually. Typically I talk about Tiago not wearing glasses in them, but he ended up having them on this time. Maybe we’ll get Nan in a future shoot.)

#WeProbablyStayedUpTooLateLastNight

11 o’clock. Just faffing on our phones…

#BWokeUpAtFiveThirtyButLuckilySheWentBackToSleepAfterAWhileAndThenTiagoGotHerUpAt7

I could not get out of bed to go to her at 5.30am. I talked to her through the baby monitor, and then turned the heating on in her room via my phone. Eventually she went back to sleep.

Tiago tends to get up with her. He tells me to rest, but my brain is usually just thinking about what I want to do today. I did some yoga and posted a blog post. Then I came back to write the hashtags after Tiago said I could have another half an hour. I planned to write the blog post then too, but nope!

#TheNightBeforeIWantedToGoToBedEarlyAsIWantedAGoodNapBeforeWakingUpForATalkAtMidnight #ObviouslyIBarelyNappedAndThenICouldNotSleepForTwoHoursAfterTheTalkAsIFeltSoInspired

The talk was so good – it’s online here.

I knew they would probably put it online afterwards, but I did not want to miss it just in case. I also like to try to attend events when they happen as it is somewhat easier to see it live than watch a recording – did that make any sense? I was just lying in bed watching it, which I probably would not do with a recording – I’d feel like I had to sit at my desk and work on other things which is not necessarily bad.

#IFeelSoGuiltyForMakingWorkAboutMyselfButThenIRealiseThatALotOfOtherPeopleAreDoingIt

All the artists were making work about themselves, their families and/or about something very personal.

I think now with pandemic a lot more people are turning inwards too so I don’t know why I find it so awkward.

#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAboutSoManyThingsAndJustCareLess

An article did once call me the Queen of Awkward, and I think that is still the case.

I’ve been thinking about trying to get funding for my work. Trying to balance ‘normal’ work, personal work and looking after a baby is a bit tough. Other people get funding to make their personal work, so why can’t I?

#IWantToGetMoreIntoPoetryAndOrCreativeWritingButIDoNotReallyKnowWhereToStart #LastNightISuddenlyFeltInspiredToTryToWriteAPoemButItJustSeemedToTurnIntoMyHashtagWriting

I am writing this more just as a reminder to myself. Maybe there is more I can do with the hashtags? I want to experiment with and learn about other art forms. I think with photography I just know how it all works and though my confidence is low I will show it, whereas with other art forms I just feel a bit lost and unsure. A few years ago I was painting a bit and sharing them, but then I felt awkward and I started a project that required me to travel so it got put on the back burner. I need to go back to things and I need to make time to try things.

I can’t believe how much free time I used to have that I completely wasted. I should have relaxed more, tried new things and just lived a bit more.

Oh well.


Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!