Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Portrait Of A Mother Of A 7 Month Old (13th January 2021)

Me looking at the camera with my head resting on my knee.
Portrait Of A Mother Of A 7 Month Old (13th January 2021)


I am glad that I have this project to look back on, as the time has gone by so fast. I was looking at photos of B when she was super small the other day and it seemed like years ago…


I know this has all been going on for a long time, but it just shows how long it has been.


I have stopped rolling her back now if she is quiet and calm. She has only really done it during her short naps anyways.

#WeShouldProbablyGetABabyMonitorButEveryTimeILookAtThemIFeelABitOverwhelmedByHowManyThereAre #WeJustSeemToHaveGotByWithoutOneSoFarSoMaybeWeDoNotReallyNeedOne

There have been times where we have gone to get one, but T and I really need to sit down together to look – which hasn’t happened yet.


Maybe I have? It just seems to have grown a lot in the past month or so.


Her face can look so different from day to day. Her hair colour seems to change from day to day.


Yesterday we were walking past an older couple and she started to do it. I felt a little embarrassed but also found it quite funny.


When you see just the selected photo it doesn’t look like much, but when you think that I rarely take just one shot then you can imagine how it might have made my muscles hurt the next day…

#IHaveBeenReadingTinaTurnersBookAboutChangingYourLifeForGood #ItIsAnInterestingReadAndIAlreadyFeelMorePositiveAboutThings

Happiness Becomes You: A Guide to Changing Your Life for Good by Tina Turner’.

I’m just taking the bits from it that I think will be helpful. Am I going to start chanting? Not sure, but I think I do need to have a phrase or something to mutter under my breath from time to time.


I have known this for years, but something has just clicked in my mind in the last week.


I am good at short term changes, but yeah sustaining things for the long term is the challenge. I think my mood diary is also helping me to really think about how I am feeling and why. I am trying to be better at communicating as well.

#AtTheWeekendIGotReallyAnnoyedOnAWalkAsIRealisedThatNoOneReallyKeepsTheirDistanceAnymore #WeWalkInSingleFileButThenThePeopleWeAreGoingPastJustWalkSideBySide

I do not get it. Also if you are running you should be making the biggest effort to get out of the way of people you are going past.

The other day there a lot of people blocking the path while chatting with their dogs. I walked on the grass to get away from them, but then a guy was about to walk right next to to me on the grass, so I had to move even further away.

This is boring. I am supposed to be more positive. I just want to vent about it though.

If you’re going to chat on opposite sides of a path when you have space to be stood on the same side – stand on the same side. I don’t like having to awkwardly walk through someone’s conversation and be super close to people.

#NowIHaveStartedToWalkOnTheGrassAwayFromPeopleMore #ItAnnoysMeThatIHaveToDoItButIWouldRatherDoThatThenGetAnnoyedWhenTheyWalkTooClose

Instead of seeing what people do and getting annoyed about it, I just walk on the grass and feel annoyed for having to do so, but feel less annoyed at people. I think it works out. Maybe?

#YesterdayIWasOutWithBAndWeWereComingToAPointWhereTwoPathsConnect #SomeoneWasWalkingOnTheOtherPathSoIThoughtIHadBetterHurryUpToGetOntoTheMainPathBeforeThem #ICouldHearThemWalkingSoCloseToMeAndIWasGettingAnnoyed #IStoppedAtAPointWhereTheyCouldWalkPastMeAndWhenITurnedToGlareAtThemNoOneWasThere #ILookedDownAndIHadALeafStuckToMyBootThatWasMakingTheNoise

It made me laugh. They’d gone down the path that I was walking on, but it’s a weird bit where generally everyone is walking to get onto the main path – though obviously not in this case.


I just had to have a look. Mid-February maybe? I don’t know. In my mind I had it as April, so maybe it’s best to keep thinking that and be surprised if it’s sooner?


I have made a schedule for my own work, which is quite nice.


I was looking forward to taking part in a writing workshop for a couple of weeks, but B’s sleep went bad. Good job I turned it down, as the paid work is more important right now. I’d like to do a writing/poetry/creative writing course at some point though.

#INeedToGetBetterAtRelaxingAndLearnToBeAbleToReadABookAnywhere #AtTheMomentIOnlyLikeToReadInBedButLastNightILostAboutAnHourOfGoodReadingTimeByJustFaffingOnMyPhoneElsewhere

I do not like faffing on my phone. I am really enjoying reading, so I need to just be able to sit down anywhere in the house and read. It is relaxing, yet I feel productive?


She likes to mush her hands into everything these days, then grab one of your fingers while she eats.

#IAlsoNeedToStopFeelingGuiltyAboutBSpendingTimeWithMyNanAndMum #TheyAreHappyToHelpAndIAmSureALotOfPeopleWouldLoveTheExtraSupportSoINeedToJustAppreciateWhatIHaveAndNotFeelBadAboutIt

My Nan will just hold B while I warm B’s food up and things. Nothing major. My Mum watched B for an hour yesterday while I did some research work, which I felt bad about but it needs to be done. I also feel guilty when T watches B, even though he is her Dad. I need to learn to accept help and appreciate it, as if I didn’t have it I’m sure I’d want it!

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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

32 (October 2020)

Me holding B on my birthday
32 (October 2020)

I’m not going to give the date of my birthday, though it’s probably easy to work out. I don’t know why – I’m weirdly security conscious about some things.

I just went to write what date I wrote this on, like I do for all of my blog posts; I am writing this on my birthday <with updates on 2nd November>.

<I always forget to write about the actual photo – it’s just me in my PJs holding my baby. I’m usually alone in my birthday portraits, but not this year!>


It feels odd writing that.


I had wanted to have a kid by the time I was 30, but I had to make do with being pregnant at 30. In the end it didn’t matter anyways and I’m glad B came when she did.


<When I wrote this I don’t think I did, but pregnancy was so weird for me and I spent most of it in disbelief. I think I am just about getting used to the fact that I am a mother now.>


We gave notice the day after I wrote about considering it.

<And for the millionth time – we’ve moved already.>


She broke her wrist in a fall recently and spent a week in hospital. It seems like the best thing to do for all of us – also who knows when we will actually be able to sit in her house again if we don’t go and live with her?

<It’s nice to know that she is okay and to see her everyday.>

#TwoYearsAgoIHadABirthdaySlashLeavingLondonParty #ThisYearWouldBeABirthdaySlashLeavingLiverpoolParty

I seem mostly move around this time of year.

Fact: I moved to London on Halloween 2010.


It’s so weird. I’ll miss people, but I’m not really supposed to see them at the moment anyways – meeting outdoors is ‘not recommended’.


I think most people in the UK know this, but I guess I am writing some of this for the future when hopefully all of this will be a distant memory.

<Well, they’re not alone in tier 3 anymore but England has another lockdown in a few days time.>

#ThisMeansWeCanNoLongerGoSwimmingThisWeekend #IJustCancelledOurSlotAsTheCentreIsClosedNowAndWeGotCreditAddedToOurAccount

Yeah the slot I called 40 times for!

<They called after a week and asked if we wanted to reschedule it, but we were moving that day.>



#MovingIsDefinitelyForTheBest #ItWillBeSuchALongWinterOtherwiseAndAtLeastWeCanSeeMyNanAndPossiblyOtherFamilyFromADistance

I am a little bit like ‘maybe I don’t want to move’, but I know give it another month and I will be super ready to go, so it’s better to go now.

I’ll mainly miss having space to make my work to be fair. I’ll just have to find a new way to work – and maybe not just have a white wall as a background all the time.

<We have barely unpacked anything and I am desperate to make some kind of studio space – well, we won’t be able to do much else during lockdown. I just have to be patient, as it’s slow work with a baby…>


B won’t know the difference, and our walk is so exposed that it’ll be nice to not be nearly blown over a lot.

#OurFlatIsColdWithWindBlowingThroughThePlugSockets #IDoNotGetHowSuchNewBuildingsCanBeSoBadlyDesigned

The wind also blows through the gaps in the window, so I’ll be glad to not sleep in a freezing cold room. The radiators just blow the heat up the walls and barely heat the rooms. Fun times.

#WeDecidedToLeaveLondonAndWereGoneWithin6Weeks #ThisTimeItWillBeWithin5WeeksThoughIThinkItWillBeALotQuicker #TheWeekendAfterNextIfWeCan

So by the time I post this we should be in Birmingham.

<Yep, we are.>


Yeah, there’s no point just being here waiting.


We just got an email that said they want it ‘cleaned to a professional standard’. Well, when we left London we cleaned before the cleaners came in (which was something crazy like £100 that we paid when we moved in). We didn’t want the cleaners to think we were super sloppy, but we left a couple of things for them to clean and they didn’t do it – so I think we clean to a good standard.


Tiago has a work meeting after work, so we’ll be eating late but it’ll be nice.

This morning B woke up at 6, so I fed her, then B played with her and put her down for her nap so I pretty much got to sleep to 9am when I had to feed her again.

All I want for my birthday is sleep, sleep and sleep…

<She is waking up more at night at the moment, but we did have indian food which was very nice!>


You know when you just start eating random food that you haven’t wanted to eat?

#WithMyCodingCourseIAmWorkingOnMyProjectNow #IAmGoingToTreatMyselfByNotDoingAnyCodingTodayThough

I’ve been quite good at doing a bit every night. I feel like I am procrastinating a bit with it now as I know it is hard work, but I know I can do it. I just need to get on with it. I’ve set up the file system, I just need to do the rest of it now…

<I finished it in the end and I have a new course to start, but I’m leaving it for now.>


I wrote move as mood on accident. Whoops.

The move is definitely a massive distraction. Now I feel a bit overwhelmed but for different reasons…


They never left an answerphone message and haven’t called back since, so I’m not sure.

<They call a few days ago in the end, but now I am expecting a call from my new health visitor who needs to come visit us as we are new to the area.>

I’m not looking forward to having to register for things like the doctors, and changing all my postal addresses.

#IGuessAYearAgoIDidNotThinkIWouldBeSpendingMy32ndBirthdayLivingThroughAPandemicWithA4MonthOldWhilstDoingACodingCourseAndPlanningAMoveToBirmingham #ButIGuessIWasNotThinkingMuchBeyondWantingToBePregnantAndNotBeingSureIfIWasAbleToBeOrNot

What would I have imagined for myself? I would have hoped that I was pregnant or had a baby, but yeah I really thought that pregnancy and motherhood was something that happened to other people and not me.

But here we are!

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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

We’re Thinking About Leaving Liverpool And Moving To Birmingham (10th October 2020)

B sat on a small table with T's arms supporting her
We’re Thinking About Leaving Liverpool And Moving To Birmingham (10th October 2020)


Today is World Mental Health Day, but it won’t be by the time I post this (I’m writing this on 10th October). There are too many world days that I don’t usually bother talking about, but this one feels somewhat important.

My posts have been super negative lately and I have been struggling mentally, but you’ll read that I did tell a health professional about it.

#TheOtherDayIWentForMyCervicalSmearAfterGettingALetterInThePostToBookOne #IManagedToGoWhilstBHadANapAtHomeAndTWasAroundToKeepAnEyeOnHer #ItWasTheFurthestAwayIHadEverBeenFromHer #ICouldHaveTakenHerWithMeButItSeemedUnnecessaryAndSheWokeUpJustBeforeIGotToTheFrontDoor

I got the letter a couple of weeks ago and I should have just called and tried to go when Tiago was on holiday, but that would have been too simple.

It might have been the longest that I’ve been out of the same building as her too – I went for a walk with my sister once, while Tiago was looking after her, but the timing was probably similar.

#IWasABitAwkwardAboutGoingForTheSmearAsItHasBeenAFewMonthsSinceSoManyDifferentPeopleWereAtBsBirthAndThenCheckedMyStitchesOver #InTheEndIBarelyFeltIt #IMentionMySmearBecauseIKnowThatSomePeopleDoNotGetItDoneBecauseOfAwkwardnessAndOrWorryingAboutPain

I did mention about having stitches and having a bit of scar tissue, so she said she’d be careful.

Perhaps it’s too much information for some people, but I talk about most things on here and I hope that it might encourage someone to go has been putting it off.

I remember reading a couple of years ago that the Jady Goody effect is wearing off, and in 2018 the number of smear tests were at a 20-year low – so please just go and get tested.

#AnywaysWhileIWasThereIThoughtIWouldMentionMyGeneralMoodAndHowItGoesUpAndDownALot #ISaidAboutHowIWasFrustratedByTheChildrensCentresBeingClosedAndNotBeingAbleToSeeMyFamily

I think the day before I had been quite bad, so I thought it was easiest to mention it whilst I was there.


I didn’t know.

#ButSheAskedIfIWantedHerToCallHerForMeAndISaidYes #UsuallyWhenIThinkAboutReachingOutForHelpIFeelBetterButISoonFeelBadAgainSoItSeemedLikeAGoodIdeaForHerToJustCall #IAmYetToHearAnythingButWeWillSee

I know that they look after a lot of people, so it’s no surprise that she hasn’t been in touch yet.

She probably will call when I am having a good day…

<29th October – Funnily enough when I first started to look at this post earlier she hadn’t called. Then when I was walking B I got my phone out of my pocket to check something and she called (I note getting my phone out as I would have probably missed her call otherwise).

She said that my GP hadn’t notified her that I had been feeling low (I guess they’re busy). I’m not sure how she found out – maybe she was checking my notes?

As I’m now no longer living in Liverpool – yes, we decided to move the day after I took this and moved 5 days ago – I need to be transferred to a health visitor here.

She asked if I’m still feeling low and I said at times. Earlier if you had asked me just after I called I would have said yes, but I just gave B a bottle of formula (more on that in future posts) and I feel more relaxed as I know she is eating enough now.>

#IDoNotFeelAshamedOfFeelingDownAtTimes #HavingABabyIsAMassiveLifeChange #AndThenExperiencingSuchALifeChangeDuringAPandemicIsDefinitelyARollercoaster

I said that I thought that due to the pandemic that more people were probably experiencing mental health problems – she agreed.

I said that that I know it is normal to feel down after having a baby – she agreed – and that when you add a pandemic to it that it is no surprise that I feel down a lot – she agreed.


I keep saying that it’s annoying that children’s centres are closed, whilst pubs aren’t, but by the time I post this I think the pubs might be under tighter restrictions.

I mentioned to the nurse that there are baby groups, but none are near me. She said what about zoom ones and I said I really don’t like them – I do just find being on webcam with a bunch of strangers really odd. It makes me feel anxious and awkward, which then makes me feel worse.

I haven’t even done any baby class recordings in the last week… I feel bad for that. Next week I will do better. I have just been singing Old MacDonald to B a lot though, which she seems to love.

I love this Ella Fitzgerald version – I was playing it to get the link and T laughed and said ‘that song’.

<Ooh, I’ve since danced to it so I can now link it –



I have been using it less in the last week and I think it has helped.

<Now that we have moved and we live with my Nan it doesn’t bother me so much, but I also haven’t had much time to go on social media either. I have reactivated my Facebook and logged back into my Twitter, but I don’t feel the need to go on them as much. I wanted to tell people that we had moved etc and get back in touch with people who live here.>


This too. Some good phone calls and some good video calls.

The nurse said it is important to talk to people, so I have been making an effort after shutting myself off a bit.

#ButAlsoBecauseWeAreThinkingAboutMovingCloserToMyFamily #SoJustThinkingAboutItAndTheLogisticsIsTakingUpALotOfMyBrainSpaceWhichIsGood

We have thought about it before, but now with the second lockdown it just feels like we are paying a lot of money to be ‘held like prisoners in the north’ away from my family. There is a lockdown by them too, but just knowing they are nearby when things start to shift would be nice.

Packing up the car to go and visit them was quite stressful, so that wouldn’t be a problem.

Pre-Covid we would visit them every 3 weeks or so, and once the first lockdown lifted we were going every 2 to 3 weeks.

<Well, the next day we decided to move after talking to my Nan and the rest of my/our family. It seemed liked the best thing to move in with my Nan as otherwise we wouldn’t have been able to see her and that way we knew she was alright. I was calling her everyday on the phone, so it’s much nicer to have a conversation in person and for her to see B growing up.>

#TSpokeToHisBossAndHeSaidToDoWhatIsBestForUs #AsHeMainlyWorksFromHomeItWouldNotBeTooBadHavingToCommuteHereAndThere

It’s about an hour commute now, it would be about two. That’s not too bad for once a week or so – and Tiago likes driving.

#WeNeedToGiveAMonthsNoticeTheDayBeforeRentIsDueWhichIsNextWeekSoWeWillHaveAThink #OtherwiseWeCanJustSeeHowTheNextMonthGoesButWeFeelPrettySoldOnTheIdeaOfGoing

It would be good for us – and for B.

Our flat is so cold that I am already dreading it, and it is colder up here. We’ll be stuck in a cold flat all day, and then going out for cold walk with not much else to do – I guess it might be the same in Birmingham, but we will make an effort to find somewhere better.

<It already feels a lot warmer at my Nan’s place. I’m going for a walk everyday – it’s a totally different landscape. In Liverpool we lived in the city centre, but here we’re in a suburb and I’m enjoying seeing a lot more of nature. The weather is rubbish but I don’t care – I’m quite happy walking in light rain.>

#InOtherNewsIBookedASwimmingSlotForNextWeekend #ICalledExactly40TimesBeforeIManagedToGetThroughJustBefore8InTheMorning

I thought the phoneline opened at 8, but I was checking something on the site and saw that spaces had already gone. By 8.15am there was only one slot left. Madness.

<Well, it got cancelled by tier 3 restrictions coming into place. Then they allowed the session again and asked if we wanted to rebook it for the weekend after, but we were moving that weekend.>


I did try a few different ideas, and I don’t know which one I’ll pick yet, but all of them involve B and T in some way.

<I do like this photo. Bless B and her bald patches – they’re totally normal for a baby.>


I’ll miss the few friends that we have here, but we’re not supposed to see them at the moment (meeting outside is ‘not recommended’) and most of them don’t live close to us.

At this rate we’ll see them just as much as we would if we moved away anyways…

<We’re keen to return when things get better – whenever that is.>

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Animal Hats & Cramps (6 and a half weeks)

The photo that I’m talking about in this post isn’t actually in my pregnancy project (Waiting For Things In A Time When You Rarely Wait For Things); it’s in my Ulterior Monologue project under the title of My Mum Bought Me A Hat When She Was On Holiday. I was pregnant at the time though and I had forgotten that I’d written pregnancy related hashtags for it.

The image with the pregnancy related hashtags:

I called the folder ‘Animal Hats & Cramps’.


And the image with its original Ulterior Monologue hashtags – it shows it in a very different light.

My Mum Bought Me A Hat When She Was On Holiday

#ButThisIsTheKindOfHatIWantToWear #ButWouldNotBuyForMyself
#ButIfMyMumBuysItForMeWhenIAm31ThenItIsOkay #TheOtherDayIWatchedAll4EpisodesOfQueerEyeInJapanAndIWasThinkingIShouldStartDressingMoreBoldlyAgain #ButTheRealityIsIJustWantToBeDressedAllInBluesAndRemainAsInvisibleAsPossible #WhichMightSeemOddConsideringTheKindOfWorkIMake
#AsItIsTherapeuticForMe #ToBecomeMoreComfortableWithMyAppearance #AndNowWithTheseRamblingHashtagsIAmBecomingMoreComfortableWithMyThoughtsAndWords #AndIWantToBeVisibleOnSomeLevel
#IAmNotSayingIAmACelebThankWhateverAbove #ButIMeanJustWalkingDownTheStreetWithoutAnyStrangeLooksOrBeingNoticedAtAllForAnyReasonWhetherItBeGoodOrBad
#IDoNotMindChattingWithRandomPeopleButSometimesIJustWantToBeInMyOwnLittleWorld #AndWalkAlongWithoutHavingToDealWithThingsLikeZebraCrossingsAndOtherAwkwardInteractions #ButAnywaysIHaveNotWornThisHatOutYet #AndIRealiseThatTheHatIsAnAnimalHatWhichIsWhatIMainlyWearInMyDanceVideos #AndIWearAHatInMyDanceVideosBecauseIDoNotLikeHowILookInHats
#AndIWasBulliedForAHatIHadInFirstSchool #SoItIsMyWayOfTryingToOvercomeMyPastExperiencesOfHatsWhichSoundsFunnyButIsTrue #ButIHaveOnlyReallyWornHatsLatelyInMyLivingRoom #SoIWillMakeAnEffortToWearItOutOnTheNextReallyColdDayAsIDoNotWantColdEarsOrAHeadache #IForgotToMentionWhatARidiculousSizeThosePomPomsAre

Ulterior Monologue is the project that I first started to use hashtags with. It was my response to my awkwardness of using hashtags and wanting to use more text with my images, but also feeling awkward about that.

The project was about wanting to be pregnant but not feeling able to talk about it. It started to come to a natural end when I found out I was pregnant, though there was some crossover with my new pregnancy project. I didn’t announce my pregnancy on social media until I was 20 weeks due to feeling worried that something bad would happen and not wanting to ‘curse myself’. It also took me a while to figure out what I was doing project wise and how to go about posting without revealing I was pregnant; in the end I went for the ‘post all the projects I’ve ever done’ archive approach on my Instagram.

I had forgotten about how I felt during this photo, but having never been pregnant before every little pain made me nervous. Pregnancy is thought of as a beautiful time, which it is, but I found it very stressful – even before the pandemic.

I never went to get the cramps checked out. It could have been wind (I think I had forgotten the scenario so I never had to share hashtags about trapped wind, but after having a baby you talk about bodily functions A LOT) or it could have just been my uterus stretching (makes sense as I was growing a baby inside it) or something else.

It is said that a photo says a 1000 words, but I don’t think a picture can tell you everything or even that much sometimes. Maybe a picture just makes you think what you want to think based on your life experiences and personality. Show a picture to 100 people and I wonder what they would all say and how differing the opinions would be about what the image is really about. Obviously it depends on what the image is of – show a picture of a cat and I’m sure there would be a mixed crowd of ‘that’s cute’ and ‘I hate cats’.

These two sets of hashtags really show two different sides to the image and if you only see one set then you miss part of the story. How would you know that I was pregnant and stressing out about cramps just by looking at a picture of me in a hat? It’s true I don’t look happy, but I’m not about to open the can of worms that is ‘why don’t people smile in photos these days?’ Does it really matter though about only knowing part of the story? I’d forgotten half of it myself.

Anyways, I think using hashtags with my work really brings another level to the pictures, though whether people choose to read them or not is their choice.

I love text with photographs and back when I used to go to exhibitions (used to because of Covid) I’d often spend more time reading the accompanying image text rather than looking at an image. I wonder if this will change when I finally go to a show again – will I want to hang around? Will I be able to with a baby anyways? Will I feel comfortable using a public toilet and changing her in one? How will I feel about breastfeeding in public or will I just choose to express and bottle-feed her?

We shall have to wait and see…


Turn Baby Turn

Also known as B’s Birth Story – I was going to call it Breech Baby Breech, but after listening to Burn Baby Burn by Ash* for the fifth time, Turn Baby Turn felt more fitting.

*Yes, all songs mentioned on my blog will be linked to a video of me dancing to them, if I have danced to them already.

Me dancing to Broadcaster by Squid 5 days before giving birth.

After trying to write this numerous times, I remembered that I wrote in my diary at different points during the day and in my hospital bed the next day. I have decided to copy and paste my entries, whilst adding notes where I think are necessary.

(Notes are within [ ]s.)

Apologies in advance, it’s longer than I thought, but I’ve probably missed things out. I’m sure I’ll be making minor revisions for the next century.

Buckle up kids, here we go.

Diary entry called ‘Water Breaking’ that I started to write at 2.30am in the car.

Woke up at 1am. Felt pain and went to get up to go to the toilet and water started to come out of me. The more I tried to get up, the more water came out. Woke Tiago up and asked him to get me a towel.

I sat on the toilet wondering if I had wet myself or if it was my water breaking. There looked to be some blood. Sat searching [online on my phone] for what to do. I’m only 37+5 [37 weeks and 5 days, due date is 40 weeks, a pregnancy is usually no more than 42 weeks] and they said it’s urgent if you’re below 37.

Called the number [in the front of my hospital notes] for urgent advice. Felt bad calling them at this time, but didn’t want to sleep on it. Would rather go to the hospital with less traffic.

I kept saying to Tiago that we should revisit my hospital bags, but we hadn’t. The woman on the phone said to bring my stuff just incase I had to stay in.

[We spent a while running around getting things. I had been visited by the homebirth team since the start of my pregnancy as I wanted a homebirth, but I wanted to be prepared in case I needed to go to hospital.]

Wish I had slept more. Didn’t sleep well the night before last and now I’ve only had 2 hours of sleep. Fail.

My body is racing with adrenaline. I feel nervous, yet excited.

It’s the first time I’ve been in the car since before lockdown.

Trying to get to the hospital. The roads are closed.

[Writing in hospital] Eventually got here. Went to reception. Asked the guy what department I needed and if Tiago could come in. He said no. Tiago was stood outside by the doors, so he went back to the car.

Had to do a urine sample. Couldn’t even see where I was pissing [as my bump was so big].

Came out the bathroom and just stood at reception for 10 minutes. She [woman on reception] then appeared and said to take a seat.

Me in the hospital department waiting room with my mask on.

Feel like I can feel surges [the hypnobirthing term for contractions] but they’re fairly gentle.

I’m so thirsty but don’t want to drink with my mask. Just trying to do my breathing.

[I did not know if I had to wear a mask or not but I was nervous to be around people.]

I haven’t been in another building in so long [since before lockdown – 23rd March], but it doesn’t feel that weird. It’s just so quiet.

Empty waiting room with socially distanced chairs.

A woman just came in on a bed so might have to wait a bit longer. Tiago said he saw the ambulance arrive.

The first of many hospital mirror selfies that I took during my visit.

They said they’ll be with me as soon as possible but they need to sort out the emergency. I went to the toilet and could just hear her screaming.

Reading a hypnobirthing book that I have on my phone as I don’t feel as prepared as I should be right now. Though I haven’t been reading much as I felt prepared. I think my waters have definitely broken, so I will be giving birth in the next 24 to 48 hours. Just feel like I need to wee constantly.

I think I am getting light surges but not sure.

A friend from my NCT group had her waters break in the morning and she had to go in for checks and stuff. So it was good to read that in our WhatsApp group and know what to expect.

I don’t think I will be working today. Glad I took my Máscara like pictures yesterday.

[A project where I put makeup on lens filters – I had asked my Mum to send my makeup and it came the day before, so I did a shoot ‘just incase’ instead of napping.]

I think I am in shock. I feel tired and thirsty. Drinking some water as no one else is in the waiting room. [I felt awkward removing my mask.]

I just want to get some rest.

Wish Tiago was here so I could chat to him. Instead I am just texting him. We usually WhatsApp but I’m trying to save battery.

Wish I had a snack with me. It’s 3.25am. I think they usually monitor you for half an hour.

[Tiago was in the car with a ridiculous amount of snack bars that we’d bought for my birth. I went to the vending machine and they called me through before I could choose something.]

Just feel like I’m wetting myself. Got a big maternity pad in. Had a small pad in but realised how useless it was. Tiago is watching birthing videos in the car. I told him to try to get some rest.

Sat on the bed now being monitored. I have to press a button whenever I feel movements. Reading leaflets about induction. Think I will wait 24 hours. I’m so sleepy. She took my temperature.

She said she was about to call me in when the emergency came.

At the moment I feel like [the baby] will be a boy.

[Wrong! We didn’t know what we were having – Tiago wanted to know so I didn’t want to be the bad guy, but she wouldn’t ‘present’ at the 20 week scan or when I had to go back at 23 weeks for them to finish the checks. My extra growth scans got cancelled due to Covid-19.]

Had to change my pad and give it to them to look at. Feel like I’m on my period or something. Just want to go home and sleep. Think I will be having a relaxing day as long as I can. It’s now been nearly 3 hours.

Monitoring was fine. She isn’t sure what position the baby is in though so someone is coming to do a scan.

Think I am having light surges.

Have turned down being induced. They said I can come back in the afternoon if I change my mind.

Tiago is talking to a magpie in the car park.

[A magpie was sat by his car in the car park. He asked it if it was the bearer of good news. It replied two times then flew off. Tiago doesn’t normally talk to birds, but he said it made him feel good.]

[My own version of this was walking into the hospital, going the opposite way to appointments and noticing a bust of Princess Diana, who opened the hospital in 1995. When I was younger people used to stop me in the street/wherever to tell me I looked like her, so seeing ‘her’ gave me some comfort.]

If I don’t go into established labour in 24 hours then I can’t have a home birth.

[Update] The baby is breech so a home birth is currently out of the window. I also can’t have a gentle c-section because the baby is breech. So they might see if someone can turn it, but it’s a bit late now especially with the fluid having gone. So will just have to wait and see. [They also said I couldn’t have a water birth, though I had seen some videos of babies being born breech in birthing pools.]

Otherwise it’s either a vaginal breech delivery or a c-section. Both have risks. Going to try for a vaginal breech.

[Vaginal is more risky for the baby, whereas a c-section is more risky for the mother.]

Just had a Covid swab. Back of my throat and up my nose. Charming. Waiting for a bed on the ward. Been awake for nearly 5 hours now.

Tiago has gone home. Want him to get some rest. No point him waiting in the car.

[I went down to get my stuff from the car and sorted out his parking payment.]

Getting surges I think or big movements at least.

There is another woman here in the room now and she is being sick. Grand.

Just heard them refer to my situation as a strong breach presentation.

It’s 6am. I haven’t slept which doesn’t help my chances of a vaginal birth. Being moved now.

New diary entry called ‘Ward’ that I started at 7.06am.

Happiest kid on the ward. By this point I had ditched my mask.

In the ward now. Two women are here. They seem nice. They’re here for the long term though.

[They’d been in for a week due to problems with their placentas I think. It was surreal to be in a room with strangers but it was nice to chat. My plan was to stay as positive as possible as I knew that adrenaline can stop surges.]

Think I’m having surges here and there.

Feeling tired but the ward is awake now. Had some snacks. Basically just waiting now.

My only complaint with the hospital was the lack of brown toast (think this was the one time I got it) and them putting it in a packet – it was usually grossly soggy (and I love soggy food) or hard.

9am. Had breakfast. Toast with butter and blackcurrant jam.

Already ordered lunch. Butternut squash curry and raspberry and apple crumble. Dinner – veg and bean chili. Cheese cake.

[During my stay the most exciting part of my day was what I was going to eat – I ended up having the curry at least once a day. 10/10 would recommend to all.]

Don’t know what to do with myself.

9.25am. Hooked up to a machine now. Monitoring surges. I want a nap. Glad I’m not in a room by myself. I feel pretty relaxed.

More monitoring.

10am. Had people monitoring me. 3 people stood looking at me whilst I breathed through surges. There is no fluid left around the baby so they can’t try to turn it. Surges have died off a bit though. If I haven’t given birth by 6pm vaginally then I will have to be examined and have a c-section. It’s alright. Vaginally is a bit more risky for baby.

[I was guessing they wouldn’t be able to turn her as it’s not always successful, and with less fluid my chances were lower.]

[In my birth plan/preferences I thought I had covered every situation, but I had not thought about what I wanted if the baby was breech. She had been head down for the last two appointments, including one the week before. 2 days before I felt hiccups ‘down there’. I’m adamant she turned round the day before – I commented to Tiago about how active the baby was that day. I really did not fancy the 6 week recovery time of a c-section. I saw the 6pm countdown as a challenge…]

12.39pm. Just been having contractions. Any food passes straight through me.
Felt like crying as this isn’t what I planned at all. Tiago is on the way. Need to have an examination.
Feeling a little fed up. Wish Tiago was here.

Not sure if I was trying to video myself dancing or something else – the sound would disappear when I pressed record though. Nipple warning.

[When my surges were calmer I was just dancing through them. I kept listening to In Your Arms by Purple Disco Machine on repeat, then I switched to Jorge Drexler’s version of Fora Da Ordem, and then Blue Denim by Stevie Nicks.]

New diary entry called ‘Birth (yesterday) that I started the next day at 11.01am.

Well I went for that examination. They said I was 3cm dilated and that they would move me to a delivery suite. Tiago would be allowed to join me there.

The surges were getting super strong and I cried before going for my examination. Everything I wanted was out the window and it was a lot to take in.

The delivery suite was alright. A student midwife from the ward I was on, Hazel, moved to the suite with me and I was happy about that as she seemed nice. She said she had never seen a vaginal breech birth before.

The surges were getting stronger. I just wanted to sit on the toilet the whole time. Thought I had bad diarrhea and was having intense pushes. The midwife was worried I’d give birth on the toilet as she said it was to do with being in labour. I really thought it was to do with my poo. Ha.

[I had been having these intense pushing feelings whilst on the ward, but I thought it was to do with my bowels…]

The bed was apparently new and had a toilet like bit built into it which made me feel better. Just took off my pants as they were more of a hindrance and I stopped caring about how I looked to everyone else early on. When my surges got stronger I turned and gripped onto the back of the bed. Breathed through them. Tiago and Hazel had put the TENS machine on my back. It was good in the beginning but then it started to piss me off. After a bit Tiago was just reduced to a paper waver – to act as a fan. It was a wet day and it wasn’t very hot yet the room was boiling and they didn’t have any fans available.

[The TENS machine arrived the day before as I ordered it a few days previously. We nearly didn’t get it as the post lady put a slip through the door. Luckily she heard Tiago open the door and came back.]

They kept telling me not to push though I couldn’t help it. They wanted me to save my energy for when it really counted. Drank water and Lucozade sport in-between surges.

After a while they examined me and it was fine for me to start pushing.

So I started to push and a midwife was proper coaching me. I told her to keep doing it. Tiago was great but him saying how proud he was wasn’t as useful as the woman telling me to keep pushing, breathe, then push again etc.

She waited until my surges came though. I’d get leg cramps first and then the surge would come on. I didn’t think I would have to push so much.

[Because of hypnobirthing I thought I just had to push my breath down, but no the midwife really wanted me to push until I couldn’t anymore. I didn’t even see her face as I was so focused.]

After a while they asked me to turn round and put my legs in stirrups. There were quite a few people in the room, including someone with a resuscitation machine. They were worried the head would get stuck etc.

They cut me in the end to make it easier. Still better than a c-section I thought – less recovery.

[Tiago says a foot was poking out, but there wasn’t much progress after a few surges so they cut me and the consultant pulled her other foot out, which then helped the rest of her follow.]

I would get in the zone but also tell myself I’m never doing it again ha. I didn’t have a moment where I wanted to give up though. I just wanted to get it over and done with. Everytime I had to push I hoped it would be the last time.

Anyways eventually the baby came out. They showed it to me so I could see the sex. I thought it was a boy because of the placenta then realised it was a girl!

Me and baby B.

It was so surreal. I couldn’t believe that a baby came out of me. They gave me an injection to help deliver the placenta because of blood loss. I wasn’t going to fight stuff.

[I wanted to deliver it naturally, though I only lost 300ml of blood in the end because of the injection. Average blood loss is 500ml.]

Felt like the stitches took ages. They were more painful than birth.

[I just focused on B and winced a lot. With pushing, I generally did 3 long pushes before the surges passed, so I had time inbetween for more water/energy drink. Whereas the stitches were just a constant pain for the time they took to be done.]

Family portrait.

[We did delayed cord clamping so that all her blood could be returned to her, before Tiago cut the cord. I also asked him to get a photo of the placenta. I wanted to keep it and plant it next to a tree or something, but we don’t have a garden and I didn’t know when I’d be able to visit family who have a garden.]

‘Tiago get a picture of the placenta!’

[I felt quite out of it, even though I had only used a TENS machine for part of it. I really focused on my breathing for the whole of labour – I learned it from this digital hypnobirthing course.]

Had skin to skin for ages. Hazel tried to help me breastfeed for 2 hours. She was trying but wasn’t super successful.

[B couldn’t latch on very well/I had no clue what I was doing.]

Then we were left alone. She started to cry and I was like ‘argh what do we do?’ Tiago went to get someone. [I was freaked out by her crying.] She tried to help us breastfeed. She was a bit more successful.

First cuddles with Pai.
(Dad in Portuguese – pronounced like pie)

Then Tiago did skin to skin for 2 hours-ish. [Tiago says it was more like an hour.] I had a [super long] shower. It was great. I washed my hair as I wasn’t sure when I would be able to again. Well my hair was a mess and I thought it was easier to do it whilst we were somewhere with more care. They left us in there for ages.

After my shower with my post-birth bump.

Just looked at the cannula in my hand. They put it in exactly 2 hours before she was born. Just in case I decided I wanted any pain relief or needed something different. [Maybe if I needed an emergency c-section?]

Then after a while they came to say they were moving us to the ward.

Midwife clothed her and wheeled us through. Had to say bye to Tiago.

Then it was just weird. Trying to breastfeed and not being able to. Forgetting that I had to change her nappy. It was bad. Feeling bad for calling for help. So happy I got to stay overnight. I think going home with a newborn would have been overwhelming.

Getting the hang of hand expression but breastfeeding is not going so great. She really is trying though! Managed to get a bit of sleep last night though they said I should be waking her every 2 hours for a feed. Need to keep track of that. It’s nearly time for lunch so I hope for lunch to come and then I’ll sort her out. I need to stay hydrated and well fed etc.

I probably should have rested more today… We can go home later if I feel confident enough with feeding etc.

[Overall though I didn’t have the birth that I wanted – a homebirth or a water birth – I feel like I had a very positive birth experience. I am happy that I went with my instinct of having a vaginal birth, as I did not like the idea of a c-section recovery (a gentle one would have not been so bad, but I was not allowed one). Thanks to everyone at the Liverpool Women’s Hospital who took care of us during this weird time.]

If you have any questions, please let me know in the comments below or via a social media message. If there are enough questions (more than 1?) then I can write a follow-up post answering them.

Thanks for reading and please share it with anyone who might find it of interest 🙂

My next post will be about my hospital stay (I was in for 4 nights), though inbetween I might start posting my pregnancy project, Waiting For Things In A Time When You Rarely Wait For Things, with outtakes and how I feel about the image/hashtags now. You can also see the project on my Instagram.