Tag: confidence

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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Am Worried That Someone Will Say I Am Holding Her Wrong (11th August 2020)

I did try to choose an image that I thought someone would have less complaints with, but then I asked Tiago which image out of three he preferred and he liked the same one.

I Am Worried That Someone Will Say I Am Holding Her Wrong (11th August 2020)
 
#IWasAwareThatIHadNotTakenAPictureInSomeDays
#ISeemToDoMoreShootsTowardsTheEndOfTheWeek
#ButIThinkIAmPutOffTakingPicturesWhilstITryToCatchUpWithPostingThemOnMyBlogWhichIsBad
#BWasAsleepInHerPushchairBassinetAndIKnewIHadToFeedHerSoon
#SoISetMyStudioStuffUpReadyAndTookAFewTestShotsWithoutHer
#IFeltComfortableUsingTheLightsAsIKnewSheWouldBeFacingMe
#IThoughtIWouldWriteTheHashtagsBeforeSheWokeUpButSheWokeUpSoonerThanIThought
#IDidTheShootAndThenIStartedToPutStuffAwayWhilstFeedingHer
#ThenShePutHerHandOnMyChestSoIPutEverythingBackAndDidSomeMorePhotos
#IAmWorriedThatSomeoneWillSayIAmHoldingHerWrong
#IWasSweatingTheWholeTimeAsItIsSoHotToday
#PlannedToGoOutForLunchWithBToACoffeeShop
#IEndedUpGoingTwoHoursLaterThanPlannedButItWasNice
#ASignSaidToWearMasksIfYouAreNotSittingDownButIWasTheOnlyPersonWearingAMaskAroundTheCounter
#ThisMorningWeWentToTheHospitalAsBHadToGetHerFeetLookedAt
#SheWasBornWithPositionalTalipesWhichIThinkIsMoreWidelyKnownAsClubfoot
#IHaveFinallyStoppedPronouncingTalipesLikeItIsPortuguese
#TalipesIsACommonProblemApparently
#BWokeMeUpAt5ThenWeBothWentBackToSleepAndMyAlarmDidNotGoOff
#IWokeUpAndWasStressedOutAndTurnedToTToTellHimToGetUpButHeWasInTheBathroom
#WeHadHalfAnHourToGetUpAndOut
#SomehowWeManagedItButWeWereStressedAsWeHadNeverBeenToThatHospitalBefore
#IEndedUpOnlyBeingACoupleOfMinutesLateAsInsteadOfAskingForDirectionsRightAwayITriedToFindTheDepartmentMyself
#TheLetterWasAddressedToBabyAllenWhichTiagoSaidWasRudeButThatWasWhatSheWasCalledWhenSheWasBornAsMySurnameIsAllenAndIGaveBirthToHer
#ISatDownForAMinuteAfterGivingHerFullNameAtReceptionThenWeGotCalledThrough
#WeGotThroughTheQuestionsQuickThenAWomanCheckedHerFeetAndWithinAFewMinutesWeWereDone
#SheThenSpentAgesJustTalkingToBBeforeWeWentToFindTiagoToGoHome
#ThingsAreDefinitelyGoingBetterWithBreastfeedingThoughYesterdayWeWentToDinnerAndBottleFedHer
#TheLastTwoMealsSheHadBeenAsleepTheWholeTimeWhereasThisTimeSheWasAwakeButItWasNiceToBuildOurConfidenceWithBeingOutWhilstSheIsAwake
#IJustFeltMoreRelaxedBottlefeedingAndWeCouldShareItButIDoWantToTryToBreastfeedMoreInPublic

#IWasAwareThatIHadNotTakenAPictureInSomeDays
#ISeemToDoMoreShootsTowardsTheEndOfTheWeek
#ButIThinkIAmPutOffTakingPicturesWhilstITryToCatchUpWithPostingThemOnMyBlogWhichIsBad

Sometimes ideas for shoots come and I take the photos straight away and sometimes I do something from a list of ideas.

Now I am catching up with doing a blog post about each photo/set of hashtags, so hopefully soon it’ll be less stressful.

#BWasAsleepInHerPushchairBassinetAndIKnewIHadToFeedHerSoon
#SoISetMyStudioStuffUpReadyAndTookAFewTestShotsWithoutHer

I love multi-tasking (feeding her and doing a shoot).

#IFeltComfortableUsingTheLightsAsIKnewSheWouldBeFacingMe

If I am doing a shoot and she is in the room, I usually just put her bouncer facing away from the light and behind it. She doesn’t seem too bothered by it.

#IThoughtIWouldWriteTheHashtagsBeforeSheWokeUpButSheWokeUpSoonerThanIThought
#IDidTheShootAndThenIStartedToPutStuffAwayWhilstFeedingHer
#ThenShePutHerHandOnMyChestSoIPutEverythingBackAndDidSomeMorePhotos

She had already been putting her hands on my chest I think, but I had not really noticed. It didn’t matter in the end as I chose this photo where she is touching her ear instead. She is becoming more aware of her hands everyday though and grasping things more. I like how her feet are in this photo – she tends to feed a lot with one foot on top of the other leg. Cute.

#IAmWorriedThatSomeoneWillSayIAmHoldingHerWrong

My working title for the image was just ‘breastfeeding’, but it was a bit boring. If I am stuck for a title I try to choose something from the hashtags and this one really applies. I was taking pictures carefree, but then I did think about how people would judge me for holding her.

Obviously there are the ways that you are shown things when your baby is first born, but then they grow and build strength, and your strength and confidence grows too so you adapt and change how you do things.

#IWasSweatingTheWholeTimeAsItIsSoHotToday

Fun fact: I seem to sweat a lot. No wonder I have a fungal armpit – you can read about this exciting story in my previous post.

#PlannedToGoOutForLunchWithBToACoffeeShop
#IEndedUpGoingTwoHoursLaterThanPlannedButItWasNice
#ASignSaidToWearMasksIfYouAreNotSittingDownButIWasTheOnlyPersonWearingAMaskAroundTheCounter

It was the first time I’ve gone somewhere alone with B besides a walk. There wasn’t much food left as it was so late and I planned to read a book, but I couldn’t really concentrate. Perhaps because I don’t feel that relaxed out and about anymore, but also I kept checking on her. I’ve been there again since and more people were wearing masks, but not everyone.

#ThisMorningWeWentToTheHospitalAsBHadToGetHerFeetLookedAt
#SheWasBornWithPositionalTalipesWhichIThinkIsMoreWidelyKnownAsClubfoot
#IHaveFinallyStoppedPronouncingTalipesLikeItIsPortuguese
#TalipesIsACommonProblemApparently

I thought we were going to have her hips looked at, but obviously not. That appointment was today, and it was fine. Tiago waited in the car for us as he wasn’t allowed in as well.

I actually kept calling it Tilapes in a Portuguese way…

#BWokeMeUpAt5ThenWeBothWentBackToSleepAndMyAlarmDidNotGoOff
#IWokeUpAndWasStressedOutAndTurnedToTToTellHimToGetUpButHeWasInTheBathroom
#WeHadHalfAnHourToGetUpAndOut

He thought I had an alarm set for much later than I did and so wasn’t concerned. Today the appointment was a little later and we got there a bit earlier.

#SomehowWeManagedItButWeWereStressedAsWeHadNeverBeenToThatHospitalBefore
#IEndedUpOnlyBeingACoupleOfMinutesLateAsInsteadOfAskingForDirectionsRightAwayITriedToFindTheDepartmentMyself

It was good practice for getting up and getting out ASAP. Typically we had never been there before and I think they could see the panic in my eyes, but just watched me. I thought it would be easy to figure out, but then I wasn’t sure who to ask as I was a bit flustered. I waited in a queue at information, but it was taking too long so I went and asked some other people.

I realised today that you usually sign in on a screen and it directs you to where you need to go, but they’ve stopped that due to Covid. I just asked someone as soon as I walked in, who was super helpful and said if I got lost to come back and she would walk me there.

#TheLetterWasAddressedToBabyAllenWhichTiagoSaidWasRudeButThatWasWhatSheWasCalledWhenSheWasBornAsMySurnameIsAllenAndIGaveBirthToHer

He thought they were being rude by not addressing B by her real surname. Her baby tags in hospital said ‘BABY ALLEN’.

They updated the system with her name, but today that kept referring to her as BABY ALLEN, so they had to update it again.

#ISatDownForAMinuteAfterGivingHerFullNameAtReceptionThenWeGotCalledThrough
#WeGotThroughTheQuestionsQuickThenAWomanCheckedHerFeetAndWithinAFewMinutesWeWereDone
#SheThenSpentAgesJustTalkingToBBeforeWeWentToFindTiagoToGoHome

I didn’t seem to mention that all was good and we never have to go back for it again. She was having fun talking to B and said she felt broody and said that her profession isn’t great for not feeling broody. I was keen to leave as Tiago was waiting in the car, but I felt bad breaking up their fun party.

#ThingsAreDefinitelyGoingBetterWithBreastfeedingThoughYesterdayWeWentToDinnerAndBottleFedHer
#TheLastTwoMealsSheHadBeenAsleepTheWholeTimeWhereasThisTimeSheWasAwakeButItWasNiceToBuildOurConfidenceWithBeingOutWhilstSheIsAwake
#IJustFeltMoreRelaxedBottlefeedingAndWeCouldShareItButIDoWantToTryToBreastfeedMoreInPublic

It’s just so much easier and relaxed bottle feeding her, though I have breastfed her twice in public since (yes, I do seem to mention this in most posts). Where we were sat was quite exposed in some ways and not in others. The service was super slow which was great as we had plenty of time to feed her, change her (Tiago did it as I was a bit worried about doing it) and get her ready to go back in the bassinet before we went home).

Today I breastfed her in the hospital and out at dinner, so I feel like I won’t be having to talk about breastfeeding in public much anymore. I just get on with it now, though it sometimes is a puzzle in how to be as discreet as possible. I have a breastfeeding scarf, but I haven’t used it yet as it seems like more of a faff and probably draws more attention to myself.

I feel like everyday we are getting more confident and I hope it continues to be this way.

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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

It Still Feels Weird To Say That I Am A Mother (8th July 2020)  

#InThePhotoIHaveMyArmLikeIAmBreastfeedingHerThoughItMightNotBeThatAccurate

I am aware that it looks like I am just touching/cupping my boob. I am actually pretending to hold B whilst I am feeding her, though like I said I’m not sure how accurate this is without her being there. (My arm should probably be lower.)

It Still Feels Weird To Say That I Am A Mother (8th July 2020)
 
#CanNotBelieveThatBIsAlready4WeeksOld
#TheTimeHasGoneFastButAlsoSlow
#ICanSeeHowMuchSheHasGrownAlready
#IFeelLikeSheHasSmiledAFewTimesThoughSometimesIThinkItIsToDoWithWindOrPooping
#YesBeingAMotherIsGlamorous
#IAmWearingOneOfMyNursingDressesThoughIAmYetToNurseInPublic
#ThoughIHaveUsedThemToFeedOrExpressInOtherPeoplesHouses
#SinceBeingInHospitalIFeelMoreSociableSoIWantToSeeMorePeople
#YetIStillFeelAwkwardGoingForWalksAsWhereDoIChangeHerWhenNowhereIsOpenOrIFeelScaredToGoInsideSomewhere
#IStillMoveALotBetweenBreastfeedingAndExpressingAndBottlefeeding
#WithBreastfeedingIJustHaveToUnlatchHerIfSheHasABadLatchThenPutHerOnAgain
#IThinkItIsALotBetterNowThatHerMouthIsBigger
#LastNightIHadSuchABigHeadacheSoTiagoHadToFeedHerMostOfTheNightWhilstIJustWokeUpToExpress
#IFeelLikeABadWifeAsHeHasToGoToWorkAndThereHeIsDoingMostOfTheWorkWhenHeNeedsHisSleepButTonightIWillAimToDoBetter
#WeWentToBedEarlyLastNightAsWellWhichHelps
#ItIsNoGoodGoingToBedLateWhenYouFeelAlrightAsYouWakeUpInTheNightFeelingAbsolutelyAwful
#SoItIsBestToSleepWhenTheySleep
#SaysMeNotDoingThatRightNow
#FeelingBadAsLastNightWeGaveHerADummyForTheFirstTimeAsSheLikesToSuckOnTheBottleOrMyNippleWithoutDrinkingAnything
#ReadingAboutHowACelebrityThoughtSheHadNoOtherChoiceThanToHaveACSectionWithHerBreechBaby
#TheyWantedMeToHaveACSectionAndALotOfPeopleThinkThatIsTheOnlyOption
#ThoughBeforeTechnologyAndEverythingPeopleDidNotKnowAnyDifferent
#SoIfICanRaiseSomeAwarenessThatThereAreOptionsThenThatIsGood
#TodayIDecidedToBeUnapologeticAboutSharingMyWork
#HavingBHasChangedMeSoMuchForTheBetterAlready
#IHopeSheContinuesToInspirePositiveChangeInMeAndThatInTheFutureICanInspireHer
#ItStillFeelsWeirdToSayIAmAMotherButAtTheSameTimeICanNotReallyRememberLifeWithoutB
#MyLeftHandAndArmAreGettingSoStrongFromMainlyHoldingHerWhenIDoBreastfeed
#InThePhotoIHaveMyArmLikeIAmBreastfeedingHerThoughItMightNotBeThatAccurate
#IAlsoFeelTheNeedToCommentThatIAmStillBleedingALittleBit

#CanNotBelieveThatBIsAlready4WeeksOld #TheTimeHasGoneFastButAlsoSlow #ICanSeeHowMuchSheHasGrownAlready

I seem to cover the same stuff everyday really, but I guess that’s the reality of looking after a newborn – they poop, they eat, they sleep, and they grow. I just looked to see when they stop being a newborn and the internet says 2 months, and she’s now an ‘infant’.

#IFeelLikeSheHasSmiledAFewTimesThoughSometimesIThinkItIsToDoWithWindOrPooping

She is now ‘proper’ smiling and it is amazing. I also say this everyday, but it’s true.

#YesBeingAMotherIsGlamorous

So many conversations about poo, wee, burps and sick…

#IAmWearingOneOfMyNursingDressesThoughIAmYetToNurseInPublic

I’ve only breastfed in public once and I think I was wearing this dress. It has a lot of marks on it. I might have just done the washing up, but I can’t remember – it’s quite possible as I was always sterilising bottles and I generally do the washing up. Exciting facts.

#SinceBeingInHospitalIFeelMoreSociableSoIWantToSeeMorePeople

Today I felt a big need to get out and talk to other people. We had our last online baby class today (of a course that we booked on to). I started to log on as class was starting though, had my camera off (to be fair today it was so hot that I was in my underwear) and log off before the chat started. I feel a bit awkward with some things. I want to just sit and chat crap with people in real life…

#YetIStillFeelAwkwardGoingForWalksAsWhereDoIChangeHerWhenNowhereIsOpenOrIFeelScaredToGoInsideSomewhere

Today I didn’t feel very confident with going out for a walk, though I’m not sure why. Maybe hormones? I’m yet to change her nappy in public (well in a public toilet or somewhere that isn’t someone’s home).

#IStillMoveALotBetweenBreastfeedingAndExpressingAndBottlefeeding

I do talk about this in EVERY post. I’m definitely breastfeeding more though as I don’t need to put my nipple cream afterwards every time now…

#IFeelLikeABadWifeAsHeHasToGoToWorkAndThereHeIsDoingMostOfTheWorkWhenHeNeedsHisSleepButTonightIWillAimToDoBetter

I breastfeed in the night now, which lets Tiago sleep. It seems fair as he is the one ‘going to work’ (he is still mostly working from home), though sometimes at 6am I will ask him to bottle feed her if I am super tired and it’s been a long night. He is bottle feeding her now whilst I write this.

#ItIsNoGoodGoingToBedLateWhenYouFeelAlrightAsYouWakeUpInTheNightFeelingAbsolutelyAwful #SoItIsBestToSleepWhenTheySleep #SaysMeNotDoingThatRightNow

I definitely say this to everyone, but don’t do it myself. I should have had a nap this afternoon – I talked about it in the hashtags of a photo I took – but did I? No…

#FeelingBadAsLastNightWeGaveHerADummyForTheFirstTimeAsSheLikesToSuckOnTheBottleOrMyNippleWithoutDrinkingAnything

I don’t feel bad about it anymore. It’s made our lives a lot easier and it keeps her happy too. I do call it a chuxa (shoosha) though, as that’s the Portuguese word for it (so Tiago calls it that) and I prefer saying it to dummy (possibly because I do feel a bit awkward about using it still).

#TodayIDecidedToBeUnapologeticAboutSharingMyWork

This lasted one day. I’m better on Instagram, but with other platforms I don’t really see the point though I probably should.

#HavingBHasChangedMeSoMuchForTheBetterAlready #IHopeSheContinuesToInspirePositiveChangeInMeAndThatInTheFutureICanInspireHer

I feel like I really noticed the changes earlier on. I do hope that I continue to change for the better though and that I can inspire her.

#ItStillFeelsWeirdToSayIAmAMotherButAtTheSameTimeICanNotReallyRememberLifeWithoutB

I say that I can’t believe I’m a mother in every post, but it is true that it also feels like she has always been around (though I know she hasn’t). Thinking about life before her, it just seems so weird that I didn’t really have any responsibilities. Having a baby in lockdown has been good for not feeling like I’m missing out on things. I’m quite happy being at home and chilling with my family – apart from when I get a bit stir crazy I guess.

#MyLeftHandAndArmAreGettingSoStrongFromMainlyHoldingHerWhenIDoBreastfeed

Because of the heat I’ve been feeding her lying down more, which is amazing but I do want to keep up with my arm strength.

I failed doing my 7 days of yoga challenge (I didn’t like the program as they weren’t curated to help you build up to harder things everyday), so I decided to do a 30 day one instead, which I’ve done a few times before.

I missed out day 2, but I managed to do the last 2 days. I even moved the cot this morning so I could do yoga where it was whilst she continued to sleep on the bed, and I could keep an eye on her. The lying down feeding position is great for her then falling asleep and staying asleep…

#IAlsoFeelTheNeedToCommentThatIAmStillBleedingALittleBit

This seems like a bit of an odd comment now, but I thought it might be useful for someone who just had a baby to know. I feel like no one really talks about these things, and before being pregnant I didn’t know that you can bleed for up to 6 weeks after birth. It wasn’t painful like a period though, which was what I was worried about. I just got reusable pads after a while as I was getting through the disposable ones quite quickly.

I need to start looking at getting reusable nappies again as every time I change a nappy I think of it sitting in a landfill, but it’s such a minefield. There are so many different brands and I’ve already spent so many hours researching, but I’m still not sure.

Let me know if you have any recommendations 🙂

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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Have A Lot Of Respect For My Body And What It Did

There are two images for this post, but I decided to not put them side by side, so scroll down to see the second, as well as an outtake and comments.

I Have A Lot Of Respect For My Body And What It Did

#IDidThisShoot11DaysAfterGivingBirth #ThereIsALotOfPressureForWomenToHaveTheirBodiesReturnToTheirPrePregnancySizeAfterBirth #TheUterusDoesReduceInSizeButItIsNotLikeTheBabyWillBeBornAndYourPingsBack #ItIsWeirdNotHavingAFullOnBump
#ICanSeeMyPubesAgainWhichIsFunny #AfterBirthTheUterusWasShrinkingAndTheMovementOfItMadeMeInstinctivelyAffectionatelyRubWhatUsedToBeMyBump
#IHaveALotOfRespectForMyBodyAndWhatItDid #IAmStillBleedingAndApparentlyICouldBeUntilBIs6WeeksOldIfNotOlder #ThoughIWasWorriedItWouldBeLikePeriodPainButItisNot #AGoodPerkOfPregnancyAmongstOtherThingsWasNotHavingPeriodPain #IHaveToBeCarefulWithMyStitchesButTheySeemToBeHealingWell #MyBiggestRegretIsNotBuyingAPortableBidetSoonerAsItLetsMeCleanTheStitchesWithoutNeedingToHaveAShower #IBoughtSomeReusableBambooPadsSoIAlsoCleanOffTheBloodBeforePuttingOnANewOne #IWasGoingToSayItIsNiceToNotWakeUpInTheMiddleOfTheNightToBeAbleToTurnOverAndToGoToTheLoo #ButIHaveNotBeenSleepingMuchWhichAccordingToMumFriendsIsNotUncommon #IAmWritingThisAtNearly2AMAfterBabyWokeUsUpAndIDecidedToPump #IAmExpressingAndFeedingWithBottlesMoreThanIAmBreastfeeding #HopefullyThisWillChangeAtSomePointWhenHerMouthGetsBigger #IDoTryToBreastfeedHerALittleAtLeastOnceADayButYesterdayIFailed #IKeepFeelingReallyThirstySoIBoughtSomeRehydrationTablets #ItIsProbablyDueToBreastfeeding
#TheyToldMeToDo10SetsOf10KegelsADay
#DoingSomeNowWhilstIThinkAboutIt #IHaveASoreFingerFromWhereIBurnedItOnSteamFromTheSteriliser #AndThenIGotAPaperCutOnTheSameSpot #IHaveChangedSoMuchSinceGivingBirthThough #IDoFeelMoreConfidentButIThinkItIsCausedByNumerousFactors #IThinkHavingAChildChangesYourPriorities #FeelingDownAndRubbishAboutMyselfSeemsPointless #IThinkThisIsTheHappiestIHaveEverFeltInMyLife
I Have A Lot Of Respect For My Body And What It Did II

Outtake

That’s my bamboo pad poking out of my underwear in case you really wanted to know…

Comments

I realise that my hashtags don’t talk about my linea nigra (the dark line running down my abdomen), which was one of the main reasons I took the close up photo. The pictures don’t really show how dark it is around my belly button. I quite like the line though (apparently it’s always there, but darkens with pregnancy) and how the two parts don’t line up.

The second image also references a couple of photos from my Waiting For Things In A Time When You Rarely Wait For Things project.

My Belly Button Has Never Been So Close (20 and a half weeks) and My Belly Button Has Never Been So Close Or Perhaps So Far Away (34 weeks)

The linea nigra is definitely darker in the ‘I Have A Lot Of Respect…’ image.

This week I posted a couple of diptychs to Instagram, which represent my blog posts about B’s birth, and our hospital stay.:

5 Hours Before Giving Birth
24 Hours After Giving Birth

In hospital I took quite a lot of these bathroom mirror selfies. I was interested in how my bump would look after giving birth as I think about articles I’ve seen over the years shaming or praising women after they give birth. Kate Middleton comes to mind with her standing outside that hospital letting the world see her new baby for the first time whilst her post-natal body is reviewed, three times. I’m not about to turn this blog into a commentary on the royal family, but I can see why Meghan skipped the immediate photo call.

Like I said in the hashtags your body doesn’t ping back to how it looked pre-pregnancy, but from what I read years ago you’d have thought that it did based on the comments that are said about post-partum bodies. I think people are a lot more honest about these things now (or I’ve just been more aware of these talks over the last few years), and I hope my ’24 Hours After Giving Birth’ picture helps add positively to the conversation.

With the ‘I Have A Lot Of Respect….’ photos, they move away from the hospital pictures a bit as these are taken from the front rather than the side. I guess seeing my ‘bump’ from the front it doesn’t look like much, and actually by the time I took the pictures it had gone down a lot.

Reading the hashtags 5 weeks on it feels like so long ago.

I stopped bleeding a couple of weeks ago (I think) but I still have some aspects of lochia, which I learned about for a recent photo/set of hashtags.

‘#ApparentlyTheBleedingIsCalledLochiaIndItIsAMixOfBloodMucusAndTissueFromTheLiningOfTheUterus’

I feel awkward that I wrote about seeing my pubes again, but I was feeling very open after not long having 6 people staring at a baby coming out of me and numerous women touching my boobs to help me breastfeed. It is strange not being able to see your whole body though. In my birth story I talked about having to give a urine sample, but you just put the cup ‘down there’ and move it about hoping to get some in there. Whenever a midwife came to visit I had to pee on a stick so they could check for protein and maybe something else? This was also an exercise in peeing, moving the stick and hoping.

Some pubes are present in these photos and again I felt awkward, but then Pretty Gardens by Róisín Murphy came on. I’d never heard it before. I really like her music, but decided to explore more of her discography and it felt reassuring that it’s okay to talk (or sing) about these things, if that’s what her song is about anyways. ‘Look at me all naked, I let my pretty garden grow wild’.

‘#MyBiggestRegretIsNotBuyingAPortableBidetSoonerAsItLetsMeCleanTheStitchesWithoutNeedingToHaveAShower’ – A portable bidet was definitely something I should have bought sooner – it’s basically a fancier version of a squirty plastic bottle.

‘#IBoughtSomeReusableBambooPadsSoIAlsoCleanOffTheBloodBeforePuttingOnANewOne’ – The reusable bamboo pads seemed like a good investment (I also have reusable bamboo breast pads), as I was getting through a lot of maternity pads and I thought if I could be bleeding for 6 weeks then it was worth trying them. Plus I can use them when my period comes back, which I hope isn’t for a while but knowing my luck it could be imminent.

‘#IWasGoingToSayItIsNiceToNotWakeUpInTheMiddleOfTheNightToBeAbleToTurnOverAndToGoToTheLoo’ – I thought I was going to say well I have to wake up to look after B, but I said ‘#ButIHaveNotBeenSleepingMuchWhichAccordingToMumFriendsIsNotUncommon’. That does kind of sound like it’s because I need to look after B, but the not sleeping was due to just feeling high on life I think.

I talk about breastfeeding and bottle feeding in the hashtags, but I won’t say much on it as I have an image of me expressing so I will write about it more then. I’ve breastfed a lot the last couple of days, but I’ve mainly been expressing and bottle feeding. Her latch is definitely better now though, which I think is due to her mouth being bigger. Sometimes I don’t guide the boob to her and just let her latch on by herself now.

‘#TheyToldMeToDo10SetsOf10KegelsADay’ – I have an app now to remind me to do them. It’s just called Kegel Exercises. Everyday it builds up the amount you do. It’s great! (Again, I’m doing some extra ones whilst I think about them.)

‘#IHaveChangedSoMuchSinceGivingBirthThough’ – I have definitely changed a lot.

‘#IDoFeelMoreConfidentButIThinkItIsCausedByNumerousFactors’ – The confidence comes and goes though, just like before. A few days ago we took B out in her pushchair for the first time. As I’d done it once I’ve now done it everyday since and yesterday I took her out in it by myself. I also managed to do the lying down breastfeeding position last week for the first time. I’d only tried it once before and hadn’t attempted it for a few weeks. If I’d done it in the hospital I probably would have done it loads since. I’m also still not confident about sharing these posts on social media beyond Instagram.

I think hormones have a massive impact on confidence. I used to do improv comedy when I lived in London and some weeks I’d feel super confident and other weeks I’d be a nervous wreck. This week I’ve felt pretty confident with looking after B. Tiago left the house for work a couple of times last week, which he hadn’t done since before lockdown. Yesterday I was alone with her for the longest time so far (about 7 hours) and it was fine. It would have been a lot sooner if it wasn’t for the pandemic, so though I wish there wasn’t one, having T around more has been positive.

Still can’t believe I became a mother during a pandemic, but I don’t know any different and my past life seems like decades ago now.

I do love the word awkward I know, but that is how I feel about sharing the underwear pictures. I like the chosen one, but I initially went for the outtake as though the outtake is a bit too zoomed in for my liking I felt like the chosen one is a bit more ‘showoffy’. It’s more confident with the placing of my hands, though I like the oddness of them, whereas the outtake is a bit more shy.

I asked Tiago which one he preferred though as I was doubting my decision and he said the more confident one, so it confirmed which one I preferred. He said he liked it more though as it is more symmetrical. The top is more wonky in the outtake…

I am proud of my body. Our inbuilt knowledge and instincts are pretty incredible – with giving birth and I think this when I see B’s mouth doing its different ‘breastfeeding techniques’.

I still want to exercise more than I am though, as I did more when I was 37 weeks pregnant. A daily walk is great for my mental health and my confidence, but I also need to make more time for stretching. I try to do a bit whilst waiting for things – like the sterilising machine. Yesterday we did a baby yoga class and got all the way through, so that was great. Normally B starts to get upset around the bit that is more for the parents, but we do get recordings since they are online. I doubt that we would have ‘been to’ a baby class yet if they weren’t online, and I don’t think there were many online classes pre-Covid, but I could be wrong.

I still haven’t breastfeed in public, so that’s the next thing for my post-natal body and confidence checklist but I think it might happen fairly soon… Watch this space.

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