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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Crying Again – I’m So Dumb (31st July 2020)

Well, after rereading over my hashtags to make sure there were no mistakes I now feel SUPER awkward about posting this, but awkwardness is not a new feeling for me so here goes nothing…

Crying Again – I’m So Dumb (31st July 2020)
 
#SoManyThingsIWantToSay
#YetSoManyThingsIDoNotWantToSay
#IEmailedPicturesToMyselfWithTheEmailSubjectsBeingTooSelfishToBeAMotherAndImSoDumb
#SoDumbBecauseIDoNotHaveToWorkForNowAndYetIAmSoStressedOut
#AndIDecidedToMakeABlogWhichIJustWantToQuit
#ButIHaveInvestedTimeAndMoneyInItAlreadyAndDoNotWantToQuit
#SelfishBecauseIWantToWorkOnMyStuff
#SureItIsAboutMotherhoodNowButIDoNotKnow
#INeedToOrganiseMyTimeBetter
#ThisMorningIHadACoupleOfNapsButISwearIJustGoToSleepAndBStartsCrying
#ThisHappensInTheNightThough
#SheGoesToSleepThenSheIsCryingAgainAMinuteLaterThoughReallyItIsAWhile
#ICalledTheDoctorsAgainThisAfternoonAsIWasGettingWorriedAboutHerSpotsAndRash
#TheySaidToTryADifferentCreamAndAnotherOneWhichSheWouldGiveUsAPrescriptionFor
#TiagoWentToGetItAndThenBJustStartedToCry
#IChangedHerNappyAndBottleFedHerExpressedMilkAsDoNotLikeBreastfeedingHerAtTheMomentBecauseIDoNotWantToTouchHerNeckAndRashMuch
#IThoughtTheMilkWouldBeEnoughAndThenICouldPump
#ButItWasNotEnoughAndSheWasJustCrying
#IShouldHaveExpressedWhileIBottleFedHer
#TheFirstWeekWhenWeWereHomeBHadBeenFedSoTiagoWentFoodShopping
#ILayMyHeadDownFor10SecondsThenSheStartedToCryAndDidNotStopUntilHeGotHome
#SeeingHerSkinJustMakesMeFeelSoGuilty
#IfICouldGoBackInTimeIWouldMakeSureSheAlwaysHadABibOnOrMilkWasCleanedFromHerNeck
#IFeelLikeSuchABadMumAndMaybeIAm
#TheOtherWeekISaidToAGroupThatNowIHaveHadABabyICanFinallyPutMyselfFirst
#WhichMakesNoSenseAsBComesFirst
#INeedToChange
#DoingMyArtKeepsMeSaneSoMaybeIJustNeedToBeMoreOrganised
#IShouldNotBeWastingWaterOnTears
#IKeepGettingDehydratedAndCryingDoesNotHelpMyMilkProduction
 

#IEmailedPicturesToMyselfWithTheEmailSubjectsBeingTooSelfishToBeAMotherAndImSoDumb

I probably should have called the image ‘Being Too Selfish To Be A Mother – I’m So Dumb‘, but that really felt uncomfortable. I did two sets of pictures, but 5 minutes apart; the photo above is from the second set. I was going to choose another from the first set, but it seemed unnecessary.

#SoDumbBecauseIDoNotHaveToWorkForNowAndYetIAmSoStressedOut #AndIDecidedToMakeABlogWhichIJustWantToQuit
#ButIHaveInvestedTimeAndMoneyInItAlreadyAndDoNotWantToQuit

I was frustrated, because this is the first time in years that I haven’t had to ‘work work’ (as in have a job), but I’ve given myself more work by making a blog. At this point I was quite far behind with posting stuff, but I feel better now that I’m catching up with myself. I’ll feel better when I’m posting more in real time and not everyday like I am trying to do at the moment.

#SelfishBecauseIWantToWorkOnMyStuff
#SureItIsAboutMotherhoodNowButIDoNotKnow
#INeedToOrganiseMyTimeBetter

Not having to ‘work work’ gives me more time to work on my art stuff, but days are quite long in a weird way. At this point I was trying to do blog posts in the day, but now I usually wait until Tiago has some downtime in the evening so he can look after B and I can do a bit of my work. I feel like I’m more productive in a shorter amount of time as I can’t faff as much anymore.

#ThisMorningIHadACoupleOfNapsButISwearIJustGoToSleepAndBStartsCrying
#ThisHappensInTheNightThough
#SheGoesToSleepThenSheIsCryingAgainAMinuteLaterThoughReallyItIsAWhile

I close my eyes and then she cries. I tell her ‘you’ve just been fed, go back to bed’ (rhyme), but then I look at my phone and see that it’s been 3 hours since I fed her. Sometimes it has been 5 hours and it honestly feels like a minute.

#ICalledTheDoctorsAgainThisAfternoonAsIWasGettingWorriedAboutHerSpotsAndRash
#TheySaidToTryADifferentCreamAndAnotherOneWhichSheWouldGiveUsAPrescriptionFor

It was a steroid cream, and in the end we didn’t use it as the pharmacist seemed a bit hesitant about it because B was so young. We tried sudocrem (as the doctor said we could) and it made a big difference, otherwise I would have tried the cream that we got given. I would have used it sooner if it had been recommended before, but she initially suggested a different one. Typically sudocrem was the only one that we had at home already.

#TiagoWentToGetItAndThenBJustStartedToCry
#IChangedHerNappyAndBottleFedHerExpressedMilkAsDoNotLikeBreastfeedingHerAtTheMomentBecauseIDoNotWantToTouchHerNeckAndRashMuch

Her skin was so bad that I really didn’t want to hold her in any way that I thought might hurt her more. I should have fed her in the lying down position, but I only mastered that recently.

#IThoughtTheMilkWouldBeEnoughAndThenICouldPump
#ButItWasNotEnoughAndSheWasJustCrying
#IShouldHaveExpressedWhileIBottleFedHer

If I was a mind reader things would be a lot different. Knowing when she will wake up/how long she will sleep next, how much she will eat/drink etc – I’d be able to plan things better. But because I don’t know I just have to guess and sometimes I guess wrong…

#SeeingHerSkinJustMakesMeFeelSoGuilty
#IfICouldGoBackInTimeIWouldMakeSureSheAlwaysHadABibOnOrMilkWasCleanedFromHerNeck

On this occasion I’d look at her neck and then just cry. I felt so bad. I hadn’t felt comfortable washing her loads before and that was mainly why it was like this. I’d feel better, then I’d look at her neck and cry again.

#IFeelLikeSuchABadMumAndMaybeIAm
#TheOtherWeekISaidToAGroupThatNowIHaveHadABabyICanFinallyPutMyselfFirst
#WhichMakesNoSenseAsBComesFirst

I felt so awful after I realised what I had said. To be fair at times I still forget I’m a mother, particularly if B is asleep or if T has her and I’m in a different room to them. I’m going to say that I meant as I’m not currently ‘working working’ that it means my art comes first, rather than me even though I am in my work, but maybe I just meant what I said. I definitely don’t feel that way now. I know that B comes first and maybe saying that out loud made me think about things in a different way.

#INeedToChange
#DoingMyArtKeepsMeSaneSoMaybeIJustNeedToBeMoreOrganised

#IShouldNotBeWastingWaterOnTears
#IKeepGettingDehydratedAndCryingDoesNotHelpMyMilkProduction

I feel like I have changed and I am more organised. My art definitely helps me a lot (and helps my family by having a mother/wife who is happier) and knowing that I have time in the evenings to do some things is great if I haven’t managed to do stuff whilst B sleeps in the day.

I (currently) haven’t cried since this day, though I feel like saying that means that another session is imminent. I don’t think so, though I should have said it was the last time I cried for negative reasons – I now often find myself crying tears of joy, because B has smiled at me lots or cooed at me, which I find adorable as the sound is sweet and her lips look so cute. That seems weird to say, but it’s true.

❤ (Because I’m so organised now I’ve signed up for a coding course and in the intro stuff it says to learn how to do the shortcut for bringing up the emojis box. I didn’t know there was a emojis box, but I just brought it up –Mac – press cmd + ctrl + space / Windows -press Win+. or Win+; – and put the heart in because B is adorable.)


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Feel Like I Am Definitely A Changed Person – I Am Wearing Cleaning Gloves (1st July 2020)

I Feel Like I Am Definitely A Changed Person – I Am Wearing Cleaning Gloves (1st July 2020) I
 
#ISetUpABlogAndIAmNervousButTheWorstThingThatCanHappenIsNoOneReadsIt
#MyMainReasonForSettingItUpWasToShareMyBirthStoryAndBreastfeedingExperience
#AsAfterGettingHomeFromHospitalMyFirstThoughtWasToTrainAsABreastfeedingSpecialist
#IFeelLikeIHadNotHeardHowHardItWasUntilIHadBAndHadProblems
#ThenEveryoneWasTellingTiagoAboutHowItTook3DaysOrMoreToEstablishFeeding
#IDidNotReallyLikeTheWholeBreastIsBestArmyBefore
#AndNowAfterGoingThroughAJourneyWithItIDoNotLikeItEvenMore
#ICanSeeWhyPeopleGetDiscouragedAndGiveUp
#IWasInHospitalFor4NightsWithNoVisitorsAndHadNothingElseToDoThanPracticeAndLearn
#ThoughItWasFrustratingSeeingFormulaFedBabiesAndTheirMumsLeavingQuick
#ButThenBHadJaundiceSoThatPutASpannerInTheWorks
#ThoughIWasGladThatItWasDiscoveredWhilstIWasAtHospital
#IDoNotKnowIfIWouldHaveBeenConfidentEnoughToRealiseThatSheWasUnwellAtHome
#IGuessIWouldHaveNoticed
#SheNowHasASwollenEye
#WeHaveHadToCleanHerEyesEveryDayAsGunkyEyesInNewbornsIsCommon
#TheGPCalledMeBackYesterdayAboutHer8WeekAppointmentAndMyCheckup
#ItShouldBe6WeeksButGuessingItIs8DueToCovid
#TheySaidToOnlyBookTheAppointmentIfIHaveNoSymptomsOfCovid
#TheAppointmentWillBeIn5WeeksTimeSoThatMakesNoSense
#WellICanCallAndThenTalkAboutHerEyeAnyways
#IAmWearingGlovesInThePictureAsIAmDoingSoMuchWashingUpThatMyHandsAreSoDryAndSore
#InitiallyIHadHeatBlistersAndTheWashingWasMakingThemWorse
#IHaveBeenBreastfeedingMoreTheLastCoupleOfDays
#WhenHerLatchIsGoodItIsGreat
#ThoughMyNipplesAreSoreRightNowSoIJustExpressedAndTiagoFedHerSomeMilkFromTheFridge
#TheFeedingPlanChangesEveryday
#TodayWeWillTryBottlefeedingHerDuringTheDaySoICanBreastfeedHerDuringTheNight
#IMadeDanceVideosWithHerYesterdayAndForgotIHadStitches
#IDidNotBotherChangingHowILookedForTheShootSoIHaveOnWhatIWoreToBedLastNightAndBedHair
I Feel Like I Am Definitely A Changed Person – I Am Wearing Cleaning Gloves (1st July 2020) II
I Feel Like I Am Definitely A Changed Person – I Am Wearing Cleaning Gloves (1st July 2020) III

#ISetUpABlogAndIAmNervousButTheWorstThingThatCanHappenIsNoOneReadsIt

Tiago keeps asking me how many people are reading it. I have analytics, but I haven’t really been looking as this is a good diary for myself. I do hope that other people like it though and that things I share might be useful/reassuring.

#MyMainReasonForSettingItUpWasToShareMyBirthStoryAndBreastfeedingExperience #AsAfterGettingHomeFromHospitalMyFirstThoughtWasToTrainAsABreastfeedingSpecialist #IFeelLikeIHadNotHeardHowHardItWasUntilIHadBAndHadProblems

I talked about our story (so far) with feeding a lot in this post.

The feeling to train as a breastfeeding specialist has passed a little, but I think it is because this blog is keeping me so occupied.

#IDoNotKnowIfIWouldHaveBeenConfidentEnoughToRealiseThatSheWasUnwellAtHome

I have called the doctors for B 3 times now; once for her eye and twice for her skin. Since they’re all phone consultations first it’s so easy and less stressful than getting ready and going out all masked up. I’ve just had to send photos so they can see, but once they said I could come in if I wanted. We didn’t go but she’s been to the doctors for jabs, then her 8 week check-up, and she’s also had a hospital appointment for her feet. She was referred for her feet and hips when she was born, which were both because she was breech. We’re so lucky to have the NHS. (Yes, we need to protect it.)

A health visitor is coming to see us this week for the first time. She’s called at least once before, but this will be the first time meeting her face to face. Pre-Covid we would have already met her, and I think she would have come at around 6 weeks. B is nearly 9 weeks old.

I can imagine that it’s weird for people with a newborn who had a baby in non-Covid times previously. We currently only know about parenting during a pandemic, but I think we’re doing quite well.

My Mum and older sister got a lot of messages asking for help/advice in the early days, and a WhatsApp group of new mums that I’m part of is super useful for sharing and comparing. So thanks to all of them for their help!

#IAmWearingGlovesInThePictureAsIAmDoingSoMuchWashingUpThatMyHandsAreSoDryAndSore

Before B was born we thought we had everything we needed and then we just bought SO MUCH STUFF. I think opening packaging, removing tape and flattening boxes didn’t help my hands. I stopped using the gloves a few weeks ago (so yeah it didn’t last long). I need to get to it though as I am starting to hand wash more clothing (hello sour milk bibs) and my hands feel quite dry now. In B’s pushchair organiser I keep a bottle of hand sanitiser and a tube of hand cream…

#TheFeedingPlanChangesEveryday #TodayWeWillTryBottlefeedingHerDuringTheDaySoICanBreastfeedHerDuringTheNight

Again, I talk about this a lot in this post, but breastfeeding is definitely going better. I think my nipples are starting to harden up a bit (hurrah) and it really is easier just breastfeeding her in the night.

We are still bottle-feeding her a little in the evening so it’s easier to give her her vitamin D and so Tiago can spend more time with her.

Yesterday we went out for dinner and it was the first time that she’d been awake during a meal. She was super chill and the service was slow, which was great as it gave us time to go through her routine. Tiago changed her nappy as I was a bit nervous about doing it (because of Covid – I’ve been avoiding public toilets), but it was great as the men’s and women’s toilets both had nappy changing facilities. I’ve only breastfed once so far in public, so I need to work on that. Last night we both just fed her with a bottle.

#IMadeDanceVideosWithHerYesterdayAndForgotIHadStitches

This was a bit of a sore mistake. I was really into my dancing as well, though I was nervous about holding her head and making sure she was okay. She was awake a bit in the beginning then fell asleep…

Here’s one of the videos (I made 5):

Love this song. I loved it more once I found out it was to do with his baby and wondering what they thing about things. I wonder ‘what does B think about?’ all the time.

#IDidNotBotherChangingHowILookedForTheShootSoIHaveOnWhatIWoreToBedLastNightAndBedHair

This is also why you see a bit of bum (sorry). In the first pictures of the shoot I was just pulling my top down over my pants, and in these I think I am pushing my top down a bit with the gloves.

I like not changing my clothes for shoots now as it’s more authentic/honest. I’m usually just sat at home in my underwear or with no leggings/trousers on as it’s too hot, but it must have been a bit cooler this day. I keep a dressing gown by the door just in case it’s needed, though I actually haven’t had to use it in a while.

Here are all 3 photos side by side (if you are reading this on a big enough screen).

One probably would have been enough to illustrate it, but I like all 3 and they show quite well how I do shoots and the adjustments I make with my poses. Shame I’m not in exactly the same position in the first one like I am in the other two, but I didn’t think at the time that I’d be choosing 3 images.

To end the post I thought I should comment on the title of the images – I Feel Like I Am Definitely A Different Person – I Am Wearing Cleaning Gloves.

I feel like I have changed so much since giving birth and I took these pictures less than a month after she was born. I’ve always been fairly messy, but I definitely like things to be tidier and more organised these days.

I need to do a post/picture on all the ways that I have changed, but this was one small thing (wearing gloves that I need to get back to wearing).

I look forward to continuing to change and hopefully it’s all for the best.


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