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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Tiago’s Second Home Haircut (26th December 2020)

Tiago’s Second Home Haircut (26th December 2020)
 
#IAmWritingThisAt6ThirtyInTheMorningAsBHasAlreadyBeenUpForAboutAnHour
#SheHasBeenWakingUpACoupleOfTimesInTheNightButSleepingQuiteWellInGeneral
#SoLastNightWeStayedUpLateWatchingPearlHarbourWhichIHadRecordedACoupleOfWeeksAgo
#TheNightBeforeWeHadStayedUpNotAsLateWatchingADocumentaryAboutTheBeeGees
#IThinkTonightItWillBeAnEarlyNightForUsThoughWeWillProbablyNapWhenSheHasHerFirstNap
#TiagoHasFourDaysOffForXmasSoIHaveBeenHavingALittleMoreOfABreak
#IFeelGuiltyAboutItThough
#YesterdayIFeltLikeICouldHaveStayedInBedForAWeekAsISuddenlyFeltSoDown
#TheCodingCourseSeemsALotHarderAndIAmHavingALotLessFeelingSmartMoments
#YesIDidDoABitOfCodingAndGeneralWorkOnChristmasDay
#ItIsStillAboutAnotherWeekUntilMyPhoneCallAssessmentWithTheServiceThatMyHealthVisitorSuggested
#IAmFindingItHardToSeeSocialMediaPostsAboutPeopleAndTheirBabies
#IThinkItIsBecauseItAllLooksSoEasyForEveryoneElseThoughIKnowThatEveryoneOnlyUsuallyTriesToShowTheirBestSelvesOnSocialMedia
#AfterGoingToTheHairdressersIRealisedThatTheCystOnMyHeadIsQuiteVisibleNow
#WellItIsMoreTheBaldPatchThatSurroundsIt
#IHaveProbablyHadItForAtLeastAYearAndAHalfButItHasGotBiggerAsIMessWithItWhenIGetStressed
#AndPregnancyAndCovidAndThingsHaveBeenStressful
#IAmTalkingAboutItNowToShameMyselfIntoStopMessingWithItButIKnowThatIWillProbablyNot
#ICouldGetItRemovedButApparentlyTheyUsuallyGrowBack
#IJustSearchEnginedCystOnHeadAndIFeelABitBetterAboutItAllAsThereAreSomeHugeOnesOutThere
#AnywaysWeReallyNeedToMoveBOutOfTheBassinetOnHerCotAndIntoTheBottomBit
#ItIsRidiculousHowMuchSheHasGrownIn6Months
#IGuessWeAreStallingBecauseItWillBeALotMoreAnnoyingToGetHerOutOfItAndWeWillNotBeAbleToRockHerAsEasily
#YesterdayWeMadeHerSomeNiceMealsButSheDidNotSeemThatIntoThem
#WhichIsProbablyWhySheWokeUpSoEarlyTodayAsWhenSheEatsWellSheSeemsToSleepBetter
#IThinkIHaveFinallyGivenUpWithBreastfeedingNowAsSheHasHadAFewDaysOfNotWantingToBreastfeedSoIGaveUpAFewDaysAgo
#IThinkIFindItDifficultSeeingSoManyPostsAndReferencesAboutBreastfeedingAsIFeelABitGuiltyAboutItThoughItWasUltimatelyBsChoice
#ButAlsoIFeelBadThatThingsIHavePostedInThePastMightHaveMadeOthersFeelBadAboutThemselvesForWhateverReason
#TheShootWasMeantToBeAFamilyPortaitSessionButTiagoAskedMeToCutHisHairAgainSoIThoughtIShouldDocumentIt
#IThoughtIHadDoneABetterJobThanLastTimeButNowIAmNotSoSureAndIMightNeedToNeatenItUpMoreLater

#IAmWritingThisAt6ThirtyInTheMorningAsBHasAlreadyBeenUpForAboutAnHour

I can hear B giggling at T from here. I’m also listening to Sparrow Sleeps – which are lullaby versions of songs that I liked when I was a teen. I’ve been listening to Relient K, but now I see they have albums of Say Anything and Alkaline Trio… It’s quite nice to write to as I don’t get so distracted by the lyrics though I am kind of singing along anyways.

(I wrote this on 26th December and I’d already forgot about Sparrow Sleeps, so thanks to me for the reminder!)

#SheHasBeenWakingUpACoupleOfTimesInTheNightButSleepingQuiteWellInGeneral #SoLastNightWeStayedUpLateWatchingPearlHarbourWhichIHadRecordedACoupleOfWeeksAgo #TheNightBeforeWeHadStayedUpNotAsLateWatchingADocumentaryAboutTheBeeGees

We thought that we were cursing things by staying up late two nights ago, but as she slept fairly well we just ended up watching the whole of Pearl Harbour. I thought I would turn it off at 11pm, but there seemed like no point as we were so close to the end.

#IThinkTonightItWillBeAnEarlyNightForUsThoughWeWillProbablyNapWhenSheHasHerFirstNap

Well, Tiago says when I am finished that he will probably have a nap.

#TiagoHasFourDaysOffForXmasSoIHaveBeenHavingALittleMoreOfABreak #IFeelGuiltyAboutItThough

Tiago says I can’t win as I feel bad for wanting more time for myself, but when I do I feel guilty about it and don’t really enjoy it.

T fed B all her meals yesterday (though dinner didn’t go well so I gave it a go). I tried to just read my book (The Sanest Guy In The Room by Don Black), but I kept getting distracted by my Nan and life. I usually read e-books now, but this is a physical book that my Mum got me for my birthday.

#YesterdayIFeltLikeICouldHaveStayedInBedForAWeekAsISuddenlyFeltSoDown

Though the feeling passed a bit after 20ish minutes in bed, when I felt guilty for being there.

#TheCodingCourseSeemsALotHarderAndIAmHavingALotLessFeelingSmartMoments

It sucks feeling dumb, but I am halfway through it now so I just need to get on and finish it.

#YesIDidDoABitOfCodingAndGeneralWorkOnChristmasDay

To be fair I think I always do work a bit on Xmas, and now it makes more sense than ever as Tiago is off and I work when I have the chance.

A couple of photos from my Neblina series were taken on Xmas day.

#ItIsStillAboutAnotherWeekUntilMyPhoneCallAssessmentWithTheServiceThatMyHealthVisitorSuggested

I felt like I didn’t need to speak to them anymore, but my mood does go up and down a lot. I know they won’t be able to help with some things (they won’t be able to give me time off – though like I’ve said before I don’t want time away from B), but maybe it might help me to try to change myself for the better.

#IAmFindingItHardToSeeSocialMediaPostsAboutPeopleAndTheirBabies #IThinkItIsBecauseItAllLooksSoEasyForEveryoneElseThoughIKnowThatEveryoneOnlyUsuallyTriesToShowTheirBestSelvesOnSocialMedia

It’s so stupid that it gets to me. I know that most of social media is fake and most people don’t show their true feelings etc. I am happy for other people, but it says a lot more about me than it does about them.

#AfterGoingToTheHairdressersIRealisedThatTheCystOnMyHeadIsQuiteVisibleNow

Talking about my cyst is just making me think of RuPaul’s Drag Race…

#WellItIsMoreTheBaldPatchThatSurroundsIt #IHaveProbablyHadItForAtLeastAYearAndAHalfButItHasGotBiggerAsIMessWithItWhenIGetStressed #AndPregnancyAndCovidAndThingsHaveBeenStressful #IAmTalkingAboutItNowToShameMyselfIntoStopMessingWithItButIKnowThatIWillProbablyNot #ICouldGetItRemovedButApparentlyTheyUsuallyGrowBack

I’m also currently reading a book about periods (Period by Emma Barnett) and it says something about talking about them being quite off limits for a lot of people. Well, I’ve now talked about periods and cysts in my project so…

#IJustSearchEnginedCystOnHeadAndIFeelABitBetterAboutItAllAsThereAreSomeHugeOnesOutThere

Another fun thing about getting older.

#AnywaysWeReallyNeedToMoveBOutOfTheBassinetOnHerCotAndIntoTheBottomBit #ItIsRidiculousHowMuchSheHasGrownIn6Months #IGuessWeAreStallingBecauseItWillBeALotMoreAnnoyingToGetHerOutOfItAndWeWillNotBeAbleToRockHerAsEasily

It is unbelievable how much babies grow in the first six months though. I remember my friend sending us a 6 month onesie for B and thinking nah she is never going to be that big in 6 months time. Well, she is…

#YesterdayWeMadeHerSomeNiceMealsButSheDidNotSeemThatIntoThem

Carrot porridge (she eats that up every day, butternut squash with almond butter and cinnamon (she ate that all up the day before), and aubergine with red pepper and cous cous (she barely ate any).

#WhichIsProbablyWhySheWokeUpSoEarlyTodayAsWhenSheEatsWellSheSeemsToSleepBetter

We give her a lot of water with meals and between if she doesn’t have milk. We give her a milk feed in the morning and in the evening, but after her terrible dinner we gave her milk to make sure she had enough. I think she was just teething really badly and food was irritating her. Possibly?

#IThinkIHaveFinallyGivenUpWithBreastfeedingNowAsSheHasHadAFewDaysOfNotWantingToBreastfeedSoIGaveUpAFewDaysAgo #IThinkIFindItDifficultSeeingSoManyPostsAndReferencesAboutBreastfeedingAsIFeelABitGuiltyAboutItThoughItWasUltimatelyBsChoice

B didn’t want to anymore, so I shouldn’t feel bad about it though I feel like I might have jumped to formula a bit too quick before.. You never know. She wasn’t feeding well and we were moving, so it seemed like the best thing to do to make sure she was getting enough.

I feel like the whole breastfeeding journey has been very up and down. There are a lot of what ifs… but I do just need to let it go. Easier said than done.

#ButAlsoIFeelBadThatThingsIHavePostedInThePastMightHaveMadeOthersFeelBadAboutThemselvesForWhateverReason

And possible future posts. I need to talk about my need to gravitate to talk about negative things all the time; this is something I have felt about addressing for a while.

I guess I’ll save it for a future reflective post.

#TheShootWasMeantToBeAFamilyPortaitSessionButTiagoAskedMeToCutHisHairAgainSoIThoughtIShouldDocumentIt #IThoughtIHadDoneABetterJobThanLastTimeButNowIAmNotSoSureAndIMightNeedToNeatenItUpMoreLater

Well, I guess the next shoot can be a family portrait.

Tiago asked if I could cut his hair tonight, but my Mum was round so she looked after B while I did it. I did feel very nervous, but like last time I quickly got into it. It is quite therapeutic, but hopefully next time I’ll do a better job of it.

I never like how hair looks when it’s just been cut, so maybe it will look better in a few days. I do need to work out there not being such an abrupt change in length in hair between sections though.


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I Carried Her Coat Down The Stairs On My Head And Thought It Was Interesting Enough For A Photo (1st December 2020)

I Carried Her Coat Down The Stairs On My Head And Thought It Was Interesting Enough For A Photo (1st December 2020)
 
#IAmInSuchABadMoodThisMorning
#BSleptForAbout7HoursStraightLastNightButItIsNeverEnough
#IHaveBeenPreparingSomeButternutSquashForHerToday
#AndAttemptedToMakeAButternutSquashAndCarrotSoupForUs
#YesterdayTheHealthVisitorCameAndSheSaidBIsProgressingWell
#SheIsStayingWithinHerWeightPercentileWhichIsGood
#ISaidThatIAmStrugglingABitMentally
#InLiverpoolIToldMyGPWhoSaidToTellMyHealthVisitor
#HereInBirminghamTheHealthVisitorSaysIShouldTellMyGPAndGaveMeANumberForAPostNatalServiceToTry
#IFeltQuiteGoodYesterdaySoIThoughtIWouldCallThemWhenIFeltBad
#IMightGiveThemACallLater
#TheHealthVisitorIsComingAtTheEndOfThisMonthToCheckOnMeAgain
#SheKeptSayingThatIFeltLonelyButIDoNotReallyIJustWantMoreVariationInBsPlaytimes
#IHaveFinallyManagedToSignBUpForAClass
#ThereAreSomeClassesBeforeXmasAndThenThereIsABigGapThenAnotherFew
#IAmExcitedButAlsoVeryNervous
#OurScheduleIsVeryFocusedAroundHomeSoIFeelABitStressedAboutHavingToPlanAroundAClass
#ItWillBeGoodForUsThoughAndIHopeToFindOthersToGoTo
#IWasHopingThatTheHealthVisitorWouldGiveMeAListOfPlacesThatICouldGoTo
#TheChildrensCentreIsQuiteFarToWalkToButApparentlyTheyHaveOnlineClassesAtTheMoment
#IHaveNotHadToPackABagForBForAges
#AndIHaveNotFedHerInPublicForALongTime
#IGuessIShouldTakeABottleOfFormulaJustInCase
#TheOtherDayISaidSheHadNotBreastfedInAWhileAndThatIHadGivenUp
#IInspiredMyselfToTryAgain
#IDoNotThinkSheIsGettingMuchButSheIsGettingSomething
#IWasQuiteSurprisedThatMyMilkHadNotCompletelyDriedUp
#MyWorkshopWentWellThoughALotMorePeopleSignedUpThanAttended
#IWorkedHardOnItSoInTheEveningITreatedMyselfToABathWithSomeBathSaltsThatIBought5MonthsAgoButHadNotUsedYet
#ThereWasNotMuchHotWaterSoInTheEndIJustSoakedMyselfInAPrettyColdBath

(Well, the title says it all. Maybe I should have called it something more interesting, but it is what it is.)

#IAmInSuchABadMoodThisMorning

Though typically I feel better after venting about it in my hashtags.

(I’m writing this on 1st December 2020.)

#BSleptForAbout7HoursStraightLastNightButItIsNeverEnough

We gave her some paracetamol last night for the first time in a few nights and maybe that was why? Or it could be that she went to bed quite early, but had two more feeds before we went to bed? She always seems to be hungry…

#IHaveBeenPreparingSomeButternutSquashForHerToday

I try to prepare her food for the day during her first nap now.

#AndAttemptedToMakeAButternutSquashAndCarrotSoupForUs

This is my new thing now – preparing food for B and then trying to make a soup for us for lunch. I think I felt so crummy as I just wanted to get on and do my work, but I was sorting out food.

#YesterdayTheHealthVisitorCameAndSheSaidBIsProgressingWell #SheIsStayingWithinHerWeightPercentileWhichIsGood

Good news.

#ISaidThatIAmStrugglingABitMentally #InLiverpoolIToldMyGPWhoSaidToTellMyHealthVisitor #HereInBirminghamTheHealthVisitorSaysIShouldTellMyGPAndGaveMeANumberForAPostNatalServiceToTry #IFeltQuiteGoodYesterdaySoIThoughtIWouldCallThemWhenIFeltBad #IMightGiveThemACallLater

Obviously every place has their own way of doing things. I do tend to feel better at the start of the week and the health visitor coming made the day a bit more interesting. Though I did think that I had the wrong day as it was getting on and she had not arrived. B was due for a nap but I was trying to keep her up as I knew she would have to be weighed. In the end I put her to bed and called the number to check, and they said she was 30 minutes away.

#TheHealthVisitorIsComingAtTheEndOfThisMonthToCheckOnMeAgain

To see how I’m doing mentally.

#SheKeptSayingThatIFeltLonelyButIDoNotReallyIJustWantMoreVariationInBsPlaytimes

Back time, tummy time, books, toys etc. repeat x 10.

#IHaveFinallyManagedToSignBUpForAClass

Hurrah.

#ThereAreSomeClassesBeforeXmasAndThenThereIsABigGapThenAnotherFew

Classes are starting up again, but typically it’s nearly Christmas now so they generally close for that period.

#IAmExcitedButAlsoVeryNervous #OurScheduleIsVeryFocusedAroundHomeSoIFeelABitStressedAboutHavingToPlanAroundAClass #ItWillBeGoodForUsThoughAndIHopeToFindOthersToGoTo

B is 5 and a half months old. We’ve been to one class in person. This is why I get so rigid with her routine, but luckily I have been relaxing a bit about it lately.

I am hoping the class will tire her out more than just our usual playtimes so she will sleep well at night. I have been wondering if that is why sometimes she does not sleep very well – she has not been tired out enough.

#IWasHopingThatTheHealthVisitorWouldGiveMeAListOfPlacesThatICouldGoTo #TheChildrensCentreIsQuiteFarToWalkToButApparentlyTheyHaveOnlineClassesAtTheMoment

Typically in Liverpool we lived a lot closer to a children’s centre, but it was closed the whole time that we needed it.

#IHaveNotHadToPackABagForBForAges #AndIHaveNotFedHerInPublicForALongTime #IGuessIShouldTakeABottleOfFormulaJustInCase

I feel like I am already making a mental list of what I need to take. Changing bag, change of clothes, bibs, food.

It is a little walk, but hopefully we’ll walk there if the weather is nice and then T can pick us up afterwards.

#TheOtherDayISaidSheHadNotBreastfedInAWhileAndThatIHadGivenUp #IInspiredMyselfToTryAgain #IDoNotThinkSheIsGettingMuchButSheIsGettingSomething #IWasQuiteSurprisedThatMyMilkHadNotCompletelyDriedUp

This morning she fed a bit, but she still seemed hungry so I gave her some formula too. I am trying to feed her in the morning and evening to see if that helps my supply. I miss the convenience of breastfeeding, though our prep machine is super useful.

#MyWorkshopWentWellThoughALotMorePeopleSignedUpThanAttended

It was good to try it out with a very small, but enthusiastic group though. I am hoping that I will have more opportunities to do it again, but who knows.

#IWorkedHardOnItSoInTheEveningITreatedMyselfToABathWithSomeBathSaltsThatIBought5MonthsAgoButHadNotUsedYet #ThereWasNotMuchHotWaterSoInTheEndIJustSoakedMyselfInAPrettyColdBath

And I did not even notice the bath salts. Typical. Even though it was quite cold, it was nice to daydream though. I just felt like I had wasted a lot of water though…


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Imitating B By Putting Baby Rice On My Face (28th November 2020)

Self-portrait with baby rice around my mouth
Imitating B By Putting Baby Rice On My Face (28th November 2020)
 
#WellInMyLastDiaryEntryISaidWeWereGoingToStartWeaningBSoon
#InTheEndIGaveBSomeBabyRiceTheSameDay
#SheWasABitUnsureAtFirstButThenSheAteItAllUpSoIGaveHerAnotherMealOfItTheSameDay
#IMixedItWithHerUsualMilkThenGaveHerTheRestOfTheBottleAfter
#WeDidTwoDaysOfThatThenITriedGivingHerSomePotato
#SheChokedWhichPutMeOffSoSheHadSomeBabyRiceAtDinner
#YesterdayITriedAgainAndItWasABitMoreSuccessful
#IThinkTodayIWillTryCarrot
#ThisPictureIsImitatingTheMessThatBGetsHerselfInto
#WeGotAnElectricChopperWhichWillHopefullyBlendHerFoodBetterNowAndSpeedUpCookingOurMeals
#IHaveGivenUpWithBreastfeedingAsDidNotWantToForThreeDaysAndAfterThatIStoppedTrying
#IWasFeelingMorePositiveAboutThingsButIThinkByTheEndOfTheWeekIStartToFeelSoTired
#AndTwoNightsAgoBWasWakingUpConstantlySoYesterdayIWasStrugglingABit
#AlsoSomeoneHadMentionedThatWearingBabiesSoTheyFaceForwardIsNotGoodForThem
#SoIFeelABitTornAsIWasReallyEnjoyingDoingThat
#YesterdayICarriedHerFacingMeAndSheFellAsleepWithin5Minutes
#SoIEndedUpJustWearingHerForAnHourWhileSheHadANap
#TypicallySheSometimesDoesNotNapForVeryLongAndItWasNotEvenHerNaptime
#ITriedToTakeAPhotoInTheKitchenOfMeAwkwardlyEatingMyLunchButTheyWereSoOutOfFocusAsItWasJustOnMyPhone
#MyBackIsReallyHurtingMeThoughNowSoIMightJustAlternateThings
#ForTheNextCoupleOfDaysIWillJustTakeHerOutInHerPushchairAndHopefullyItWillBeJustAsMuchFun
#IHaveLikedTheInteractionsThatWeHaveHadWithPeopleLatelySoMaybeIJustNeedToBeBetterAtEyeContactWhenSheIsInThePushchair
#UsuallyIJustLookDownAtTheWheelsAndPretendToJustCheckThatWeAreNotGoingOnTheGrass
#ItDoesNotMatterIfItGetsDirtyReallyButItIsALotEasierToJustWalkAcrossTheGrassAwayFromPeopleWhenCarryingHer
#ThePushchairIsJustABitBigAndAnnoyingAtTimesSoIFeelMoreFreeWithTheCarrier
#SoIThinkIWillCarryHerFacingOutOccasionally
#SheSeemsToEnjoyItAndOurWalksAreGenerallyShorterNowAsITendToGoOutTwiceADayInstead
#BeforeWhenIWasPushingHerToSleepIWouldWalkSoFarWhichWouldTireMeOut
#NowIWantHerToEnjoyHerAwakeTimeAndIDoNotPushHerSoFar
#IHaveMyWorkshopTomorrowWhichIAmNervousAboutButIThinkItWillBeOkay

(I wrote this on 28th November.)

#WellInMyLastDiaryEntryISaidWeWereGoingToStartWeaningBSoon

Oh, I actually said ‘#IAlsoMightGiveHerSomeBabyRiceTodayButIFeelLikeISayThatEveryday’

#InTheEndIGaveBSomeBabyRiceTheSameDay

So I actually did do it. I was feeling stressed about it, but suddenly I felt like that day was the day.

#SheWasABitUnsureAtFirstButThenSheAteItAllUpSoIGaveHerAnotherMealOfItTheSameDay

I thought she was going to spit it out, but she was quite enthusiastic. I was surprised. I thought she would not eat any of it.

There was a lot of it on her face though – hence the photo.

#IMixedItWithHerUsualMilkThenGaveHerTheRestOfTheBottleAfter

I thought she would not drink all of her milk, but she did.

#WeDidTwoDaysOfThatThenITriedGivingHerSomePotato #SheChokedWhichPutMeOffSoSheHadSomeBabyRiceAtDinner

It was a bit scary, so we built up our confidence again with the baby rice.

#YesterdayITriedAgainAndItWasABitMoreSuccessful

She still did not seem too impressed though. The lumps were worrying me though I did mash it up a lot.

#IThinkTodayIWillTryCarrot

I am typing this now in the kitchen while I am boiling some carrot. B is having a nap. This seems like a good time to do some cooking. The other day when I was boiling the potatoes I was also making a meal for the day.

(Carrot seems more successful than potato.)

#ThisPictureIsImitatingTheMessThatBGetsHerselfInto

There are some of me with it coming out of my mouth. I don’t know which one I will choose yet. Sorry if it is a disgusting choice…

(13th December: Well, I went for a more ‘classic’ option.)

#WeGotAnElectricChopperWhichWillHopefullyBlendHerFoodBetterNowAndSpeedUpCookingOurMeals

I am going to puree some carrot, but also have some bigger slices for her to try in the baby led weaning style.

Being vegetarian I feel like most of cooking is just chopping veg, so hopefully it will be good.

#IHaveGivenUpWithBreastfeedingAsDidNotWantToForThreeDaysAndAfterThatIStoppedTrying

I am sad about it. Maybe it is not too late… Maybe I should try? They’ve just been out of action for at least 5 days now, so I feel like the time has passed. I have gone back to wearing non-maternity bras now, which feels a bit weird.

My Mum said I wouldn’t be breastfed after 4 months…

(After I finished this B woke up and I felt compelled to try breastfeeding her. Some milk did actually come out, and though I had to keep swapping B over from side to side I think she did get something. Afterwards I winded her and she burped quite loudly, but it could have been left over from earlier? I think I might try to see if I can get my production up.)

#IWasFeelingMorePositiveAboutThingsButIThinkByTheEndOfTheWeekIStartToFeelSoTired

By Friday I am just knackered.

#AndTwoNightsAgoBWasWakingUpConstantlySoYesterdayIWasStrugglingABit

It was a long night. Last night she slept better but typically my brain was so awake at 2am after she woke up that I did not sleep for at least an hour.

#AlsoSomeoneHadMentionedThatWearingBabiesSoTheyFaceForwardIsNotGoodForThem #SoIFeelABitTornAsIWasReallyEnjoyingDoingThat

I read an article about it, but it seemed to be about babies that are a lot younger. It said that it overstimulates them, but one of the reasons why I like her to face out is so that she can see everything, and for a change of scenery during playtimes.

#YesterdayICarriedHerFacingMeAndSheFellAsleepWithin5Minutes

I realised that we were going out half an hour from naptime, so I thought we’d be quick.

I kept trying to keep her awake, but she fell asleep after 5 minutes.

#SoIEndedUpJustWearingHerForAnHourWhileSheHadANap

I could not be bothered to keep walking around with her, so I just came home.

#TypicallySheSometimesDoesNotNapForVeryLongAndItWasNotEvenHerNaptime

I was hoping it would be a 30 minute nap at the most, but her previous one had only been 30 minutes.

#ITriedToTakeAPhotoInTheKitchenOfMeAwkwardlyEatingMyLunchButTheyWereSoOutOfFocusAsItWasJustOnMyPhone

I got Tiago to put some food in the pan for me to reheat so the noise wouldn’t wake her up. I just watched Taskmaster on my phone, while awkwardly navigating my food over her head.

#MyBackIsReallyHurtingMeThoughNowSoIMightJustAlternateThings

I stretch quite a lot, so I do wonder how people who don’t stretch cope.

#ForTheNextCoupleOfDaysIWillJustTakeHerOutInHerPushchairAndHopefullyItWillBeJustAsMuchFun

I need to get a rain cover for the carrier, so at least her pushchair has one. It is a wet day today.

#IHaveLikedTheInteractionsThatWeHaveHadWithPeopleLatelySoMaybeIJustNeedToBeBetterAtEyeContactWhenSheIsInThePushchair

I usually have the hood of her pushchair pulled over her, so I can’t really see her and she is usually asleep so of course people will not interact with her. I just need to talk to her more in the pushchair. It doesn’t face me, so hopefully she can just enjoy the world and I can stop more to talk to her and point things out.

#UsuallyIJustLookDownAtTheWheelsAndPretendToJustCheckThatWeAreNotGoingOnTheGrass

Well, I don’t know if I am pretending but it is a thing I do to avoid eye contact.

#ItDoesNotMatterIfItGetsDirtyReallyButItIsALotEasierToJustWalkAcrossTheGrassAwayFromPeopleWhenCarryingHer #ThePushchairIsJustABitBigAndAnnoyingAtTimesSoIFeelMoreFreeWithTheCarrier

It could be worse, but some paths are quite narrow so you have to move. Some people barely leave any space as they go past, whereas others will awkwardly leave what feels like a bit too much space.

#SoIThinkIWillCarryHerFacingOutOccasionally

I’ve spoke to other people about it and they don’t think there is an issue.

#SheSeemsToEnjoyItAndOurWalksAreGenerallyShorterNowAsITendToGoOutTwiceADayInstead #BeforeWhenIWasPushingHerToSleepIWouldWalkSoFarWhichWouldTireMeOut #NowIWantHerToEnjoyHerAwakeTimeAndIDoNotPushHerSoFar

The walks are a lot more pleasant now.

#IHaveMyWorkshopTomorrowWhichIAmNervousAboutButIThinkItWillBeOkay

Fingers crossed.


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Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Toes (24th November 2020)

Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Toes (24th November 2020)
 
#ThisShootWasMeJustImitatingBWhenSheDoesTheHappyBabyYogaPoseAndWhenSheTriesToPutHerToesInHerMouth
#ICanSeeHowThePoseGotTheNameNow
#SheHasBeenDoingThisForAWhileButMyPlanOfCopyingHerHasBeenNeglectedForAWhile
#YesterdayITookHerOutForTwoWalksDuringHerAwakeTimes
#HerWakeWindowsAreUsuallyBetweenTwoAndTwoAndAHalfHoursNow
#ThatIsALongTimeToEntertainHer4TimesADay
#SoItMakesSenseToTakeHerOutDuringHerPlaytimesRatherThanNaptimes
#IPutHerForwardFacingInHerCarrierForTheFirstTime
#SheIsOldEnoughNowAndIFiguredItMightBeBetterForLettingHerSeeThings
#FirstITookHerOutInTheMorningAndALotOfPeopleSaidGoodMorningToUsWhichWasReallyNice
#SheJustSeemedToCheerSomePeopleUpAndWeStoppedToTalkToAYoungGirlAndHerFamilyWhoHadPointedAtHer
#IWalkedForABitTooLongAndBFellAsleep
#NextITookHerOutInTheAfternoonButWeDidNotMakeItSoFar
#ThereWereALotOfSchoolKidsAroundWhichFreaksMeOutALittleBitSoNextTimeWeNeedToBeEarlier
#IHadPutSomeLittleBootsOnHerFeet
#ButAfterGettingHomeTheSecondTimeICouldNotFindOneOfThem
#IWaitedForTiagoToFinishAWorkCallSoHeCouldWatchB
#ThenIRetracedOurStepsAndFoundItNotSoFarAwayOnAPath
#SoINeedToBeCarefulAboutTheAmountOfTimeAndKeepAnEyeOnHerBoots
#TheWeatherWasReallyNiceYesterdayButPuttingHerInTheCarrierMightNotBeAGreatPlanForEveryday
#SheHasBeenWakingUpALotAtNightLatelyWhichIsMakingTAndIABitGrumpy
#LastWeekSheWasStillBreastfeedingTwoOrThreeTimesADay
#ButNowSheReallyDoesNotWantToBreastfeedWhichIsABitOfAShame
#IThinkItProbablyHasALotToDoWithHerTeething
#ThoughSometimesIAmTryingToGetHerToLatchOnAndSheJustTipsHerHeadBackAndLooksLonginglyAtAnEmptyBottleThatIForgotToMove
#MyMumSaysThatSheWantedToBreastfeedMySistersAndIForLongerButWeStoppedBeingInterestedAround4Months
#TodayIMightJustTryFormulaFeedingHerForEveryFeedAndSeeIfThatHelpsWithHerSleep
#IAlsoMightGiveHerSomeBabyRiceTodayButIFeelLikeISayThatEveryday
#IAmCurrentlySpendingALotOfMyFreeTimePlanningForAHashtagWorkshop
#IAmNervousAboutItButIHopeThatItGoesWellAndThatPeopleEnjoyIt

(I wrote this on 24th November.)

#ThisShootWasMeJustImitatingBWhenSheDoesTheHappyBabyYogaPoseAndWhenSheTriesToPutHerToesInHerMouth

Classic B.

#ICanSeeHowThePoseGotTheNameNow

I could kind of see how it did before, but having a baby has made it very clear.

#SheHasBeenDoingThisForAWhileButMyPlanOfCopyingHerHasBeenNeglectedForAWhile

I have a list of shoot ideas, but actually this idea is not as old as I thought – I added it on 22nd October.

#YesterdayITookHerOutForTwoWalksDuringHerAwakeTimes #HerWakeWindowsAreUsuallyBetweenTwoAndTwoAndAHalfHoursNow #ThatIsALongTimeToEntertainHer4TimesADay #SoItMakesSenseToTakeHerOutDuringHerPlaytimesRatherThanNaptimes

Well, I know that during her awake times I am feeding her, changing her and other things, but still it leaves a lot of play time.

#IPutHerForwardFacingInHerCarrierForTheFirstTime

The day before Tiago had taken her out facing him.

#SheIsOldEnoughNowAndIFiguredItMightBeBetterForLettingHerSeeThings

Just another one of those things that seems scary to do, but once you do it it seems easy. I’ll just have to see if I can higher her up anymore.

#FirstITookHerOutInTheMorningAndALotOfPeopleSaidGoodMorningToUsWhichWasReallyNice

At one point I think I was having a competition with myself to see how many I could get to say good morning to me or back to me.

#SheJustSeemedToCheerSomePeopleUpAndWeStoppedToTalkToAYoungGirlAndHerFamilyWhoHadPointedAtHer

With her being on me it’s a lot easier to move out of the way of people too if paths are too narrow.

#IWalkedForABitTooLongAndBFellAsleep

So when I got home and wanted her to have a nap, she took longer to fall asleep than usual.

#NextITookHerOutInTheAfternoonButWeDidNotMakeItSoFar #ThereWereALotOfSchoolKidsAroundWhichFreaksMeOutALittleBitSoNextTimeWeNeedToBeEarlier

It just gets a bit busy when all the kids are walking home from school and they seem to hang around more than I thought they would. I think they all get let out at different times too so when one lot seems to clear, a new lot soon appears.

#IHadPutSomeLittleBootsOnHerFeet #ButAfterGettingHomeTheSecondTimeICouldNotFindOneOfThem

Classic me. I thought it must have just fallen off when I lifted her out of her carrier, but I couldn’t see it.

#IWaitedForTiagoToFinishAWorkCallSoHeCouldWatchB #ThenIRetracedOurStepsAndFoundItNotSoFarAwayOnAPath

I was so proud of myself for finding it. I was worried as I had walked across a big patch of grass, which would have made it easier to find, but it had probably dropped just before I went onto it.

#SoINeedToBeCarefulAboutTheAmountOfTimeAndKeepAnEyeOnHerBoots

Shorter walks. Check boots. Got it.

#TheWeatherWasReallyNiceYesterdayButPuttingHerInTheCarrierMightNotBeAGreatPlanForEveryday

I need to get a rain cover for it…

#SheHasBeenWakingUpALotAtNightLatelyWhichIsMakingTAndIABitGrumpy

When she woke up for the last time at 6.30am it felt like it was 3am and I was like erghhhh.

#LastWeekSheWasStillBreastfeedingTwoOrThreeTimesADay

Great.

#ButNowSheReallyDoesNotWantToBreastfeedWhichIsABitOfAShame

I am a bit saddened by it.

#IThinkItProbablyHasALotToDoWithHerTeething

Yeah, it can’t be too comfortable at the moment. She has been teething for about a month, which doesn’t help.

#ThoughSometimesIAmTryingToGetHerToLatchOnAndSheJustTipsHerHeadBackAndLooksLonginglyAtAnEmptyBottleThatIForgotToMove

It’s probably nicer to teethe on.

#MyMumSaysThatSheWantedToBreastfeedMySistersAndIForLongerButWeStoppedBeingInterestedAround4Months

Maybe she’s more like me than she looks… (She looks more like Tiago.)

#TodayIMightJustTryFormulaFeedingHerForEveryFeedAndSeeIfThatHelpsWithHerSleep #IAlsoMightGiveHerSomeBabyRiceTodayButIFeelLikeISayThatEveryday

Between writing the hashtags and writing this blog post I did give her some. It went well. If I remember I’ll probably talk about it in my next blog post.

#IAmCurrentlySpendingALotOfMyFreeTimePlanningForAHashtagWorkshop #IAmNervousAboutItButIHopeThatItGoesWellAndThatPeopleEnjoyIt

Luckily I did a university lecture last week, so I am feeling a little less awkward about it. I really hope that people enjoy it.

I was going to post a link to the workshop, but by the time I post this it will have already happened. Wishing myself luck from the past and future…


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Feeling A Bit More Like My Old Self (16th November 2020)

Phone photo of my computer screen showing me on zoom
Feeling A Bit More Like My Old Self (16th November 2020)
 
#PerhapsThisImageLooksMoreLikeIHaveBeenCalledInForQuestioningAtAFloweryPoliceStation
#ThanMeSatWaitingForStudentsToJoinAnOnlineTutorialSession
#TypicallyIActuallyWashedMyHairForItLastNightButThenHadMyHairUpMostOfTheDayAsItWasAnnoyingMe
#TodayWasTheLongestIHadSpentNotMotheringB
#IDidAnOnlineTalkAndSomeTutorialsAndItFeltSoGoodToBeDoingSomethingElseForAChange
#IDoEnjoyBeingWithBAndIAmGratefulToHaveHer
#IFeelLikeIDoComplainTooMuchButItHasBeenAnIntenseFivePlusMonthsOfMothering
#IKnowThatWeAreLuckyAndQuitePrivilegedAsAFamilySoIShouldWhineLess
#IWasNotPlanningToUseThisPictureForTheProjectButIJustSawItOnMyPhoneAndThoughtWhyNot
#IWasSupposedToDoAShootYesterday
#IWasPlanningAFamilyShootButThoughTheDayGotOffToAProductiveStart
#WeManagedToBreakTheGarageDoorAndSpentALotOfTimeFaffingWithThat
#SoWeDidNotGoForAWalkAndIDidNotManageToOrganiseMyWorkSpaceOrDoMuchWork
#InOtherNewsWeGotASecondHandFormulaPrepMachineTheOtherDayAndItIsLifeChanging
#NoMoreSettingAlarmsToRememberToBoilWaterOrFranticallyTryingToCoolTheMilkDown
#AndNowThatBIs5MonthsIAmTryingToDropOneOfHerNaps
#IAlsoRealisedThatIHaveBeenWayTooStrictWithHerScheduleAndFrettingAboutHerWakeWindowsAndThings
#SoTheOtherDayIChilledOutABitWithItToAllowHerToGoToBedAroundSevenFifteenIsh
#ThoughTheLast2NightsSheHasGoneToBedEarlierDueToTryingToDropTheThirdNap
#SheHasWokeUpOnceInTheNightAndSheWasAwakeLongerThanNeedBeAsITriedNotToFeedHer
#OnceYouLiftHerOutOfTheCotToChangeHerNappyThoughYouHaveToFeedHerOrSheWillNotSleep
#ButOnceSheIsFedSheIsQuiteContentAndGoesBackToSleepAlright
#YesterdayIFeltBadAsSheWokeUpAt8InTheMorningAndIDidFretABitAboutHerSchedule
#SoTodayISetAnAlarmFor7OnceSheWentBackToSleep
#IFeelMorePositiveButLetUsSeeHowLongItLasts
#INeededADayToDoSomethingDifferentAndFeelLikeMoreThanJustAMother
#NotThatThereIsAnythingWrongWithJustBeingAMother
#IJustWasNotPreparedForHowMuchMyLifeWouldChangeWithABaby
#INeedToStretchAsIHaveNotInTheLastCoupleOfDaysAndIAcheFromAllTheBabyCarryingAndStuffMoving

(I wrote this post on 16th November.)

#PerhapsThisImageLooksMoreLikeIHaveBeenCalledInForQuestioningAtAFloweryPoliceStation #ThanMeSatWaitingForStudentsToJoinAnOnlineTutorialSession

Not that I have ever been called in for questioning at a police station, but it does look like I’ve been up to something.

#TypicallyIActuallyWashedMyHairForItLastNightButThenHadMyHairUpMostOfTheDayAsItWasAnnoyingMe

I was not going to wash it, but I thought I should make the effort. My hair looked quite good at 2am, but I brushed it when I got up and it looked bad.

Not that I usually care about my hair, but I thought I better make the effort for an online talk. (There were 50ish people in the end – thanks University of Hertfordshire.)

#TodayWasTheLongestIHadSpentNotMotheringB

I spent about 6 hours away from her in the end.

#IDidAnOnlineTalkAndSomeTutorialsAndItFeltSoGoodToBeDoingSomethingElseForAChange

It was like a flashback to my pre-baby life.

#IDoEnjoyBeingWithBAndIAmGratefulToHaveHer

I do appreciate her, but it is a full-on job.

#IFeelLikeIDoComplainTooMuchButItHasBeenAnIntense5PlusMonthsOfMothering

5+ months of mothering and we’ve only been to one baby class in real life, and haven’t had many chances to hang out with friends lately.

#IKnowThatWeAreLuckyAndQuitePrivilegedAsAFamilySoIShouldWhineLess

I am lucky to have Tiago, and for my Nan to provide an extra pair of eyes now. We’re very fortunate and I really need to get over myself and whine less.

#IWasNotPlanningToUseThisPictureForTheProjectButIJustSawItOnMyPhoneAndThoughtWhyNot

I was just going to post it on my Instagram stories, but I saw the ‘potential’ of it.

Did I ever think that I’d be including a photo of my computer screen in a project? No. To be fair I probably have done it before in other projects that aren’t shown or it may have been edited out of one series.

#IWasSupposedToDoAShootYesterday #IWasPlanningAFamilyShootButThoughTheDayGotOffToAProductiveStart

Yeah, I thought it was probably time to do another family shoot.

#WeManagedToBreakTheGarageDoorAndSpentALotOfTimeFaffingWithThat

Great.

#SoWeDidNotGoForAWalkAndIDidNotManageToOrganiseMyWorkSpaceOrDoMuchWork

Perfect.

I feel like weekends are my best time to get things done, but Tiago is always tired and at the moment we are trying to organise our stuff. I’ll just have to do it this week…

I felt bad that I only did one shoot last week, but I did spend a lot of time preparing my presentation – cutting out some projects and adding in newer stuff.

#InOtherNewsWeGotASecondHandFormulaPrepMachineTheOtherDayAndItIsLifeChanging

It’s an absolute gamechanger. I wasn’t going to bother for a month or so (we’re not sure for how long we will formula feed her), but after talking to a friend I was swayed.

#NoMoreSettingAlarmsToRememberToBoilWaterOrFranticallyTryingToCoolTheMilkDown

It’s always a faff when an alarm doesn’t get set and you have a very upset baby to deal with…

#AndNowThatBIs5MonthsIAmTryingToDropOneOfHerNaps

She is supposed to nap less during the day, which means potentially less time to do things. Fun.

#IAlsoRealisedThatIHaveBeenWayTooStrictWithHerScheduleAndFrettingAboutHerWakeWindowsAndThings

I am not sure why I have been so obsessed. Possibly, because we’re dealing with a second lockdown and I can’t go anywhere? True.

I was like ‘she has to be awake for 90 minutes, then 105 minutes twice, then 120 minutes. She can’t go to bed unless she has been awake for those full wake windows’. So some days her bedtime was getting a bit later.

#SoTheOtherDayIChilledOutABitWithItToAllowHerToGoToBedAroundSevenFifteenIsh

Great. Does she wake up after a bit? Yes. Everyday is a new day though, and it means we have a bit more time in the evening to do things.

#ThoughTheLast2NightsSheHasGoneToBedEarlierDueToTryingToDropTheThirdNap

Yeah, things get a bit messed up by the evening. I am learning to be flexible though…

#SheHasWokeUpOnceInTheNightAndSheWasAwakeLongerThanNeedBeAsITriedNotToFeedHer

This is about the last two nights. I just hoped that she would go back to sleep both times as she wasn’t being too loud.

#OnceYouLiftHerOutOfTheCotToChangeHerNappyThoughYouHaveToFeedHerOrSheWillNotSleep

Sometimes I think she just needs her nappy changed, but then she gets rowdy.

#ButOnceSheIsFedSheIsQuiteContentAndGoesBackToSleepAlright

Last night I got away with breastfeeding her, but the night before we had to give her some formula as she would not breastfeed.

#YesterdayIFeltBadAsSheWokeUpAt8InTheMorningAndIDidFretABitAboutHerSchedule

Whoops. It was Sunday. I need to chill more…

#SoTodayISetAnAlarmFor7OnceSheWentBackToSleep

And then I wished that I had not set one incase she slept longer.

#IFeelMorePositiveButLetUsSeeHowLongItLasts

After being reunited with B I did feel knackered after 5 minutes.

#INeededADayToDoSomethingDifferentAndFeelLikeMoreThanJustAMother

It is good for me and good for her.

#NotThatThereIsAnythingWrongWithJustBeingAMother

Kudos to women who can just be with their kid for 24/7.

#IJustWasNotPreparedForHowMuchMyLifeWouldChangeWithABaby

You can imagine it, but it’s hard to actually imagine it.

#INeedToStretchAsIHaveNotInTheLastCoupleOfDaysAndIAcheFromAllTheBabyCarryingAndStuffMoving

I did do a baby yoga class today this morning actually, but it’s not the same as just doing a video by myself.

I’m going to go stretch now…


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I Probably Should Have Just Rested Instead Of Writing And Taking Such A Terrible Phone Photo (8th November 2020)

My lying in bed, looking teary.
I Probably Should Have Just Rested Instead Of Writing And Taking Such A Terrible Phone Photo (8th November 2020)
 
#IDoNotWantADayAwayFromB
#IJustWantADayWithoutResponsibilities
#ItIsFunnyHowBeforeIHadSoMuchFreeTime
#AndTookItAllForGranted
#YeahItIsNotFunnyAtAll
#IDoNotReallyKnowWhatIWantRightNow
#IGuessMoreTimeToJustFeelLikeMyself
#ThoughISupposeThisIsTheNewMeNow
#IFeelStressedAboutBsFeedingSituation
#DidISwitchToFormulaTooSoonAndCauseMyMilkToDryUpABit
#WasItEvenDryingUp
#IWishSheCouldCommunicateAboutHerTeething
#AndIfTheDrySkinSheHasHurts
#IJustFeelLikeICouldBeAMuchBetterParent
#IWonderIfBHadBeenBornDuringANonPandemicTimeIfThingsWouldBeDifferent
#ILikeToThinkItWouldHaveBeenBetterButMaybeItWouldNot
#SeeingMorePeopleAndBeingAbleToGoToClassesWouldHaveBeenGreatIAmSure
#TAndBJustCameToSeeMeLyingInBed
#BsSmileMakesItAllWorthIt
#INeedToGetUpAndStopWritingAndStopMoping
#IJustNeedToContinueTakingEachDayAtATime
#BabiesAreNotBornWithAHandbookSoWeHaveToKeepJustTryingToDoOurBest
#AndOneDayAllOfThisWillProbablyJustSeemLikeADistantMemory

(I wrote this post on 8th November. I’ve been dreading sharing it as the photo is so bad.)

I know recently that I said something along the lines of ‘at least I’m not taking pictures of myself crying anymore.’

(See two posts ago and my hashtag ‘#ThankfullyMyFirstInstinctIsNoLongerToTakeAPhotoOfMyselfCrying’)

Whoops.

I think at the moment I just feel quite overwhelmed one minute and frustrated the next, though I guess they’re the same thing.

I worry that I am failing B, but then I feel stressed that I am unable to make work.

This weekend we have been trying to make space for me to ‘do my own thing’. Poor Tiago is tired from a week of work and trying to give me some breaks from mothering, then he has few breaks at the weekend.

This morning we gave B a bath and I stayed in the bath a bit after while he got B dressed. He said he was jealous of me, but if he was by himself he wouldn’t be. I know exactly what he means. If he’s not around then I’m fine, but if he’s close by I get jealous of whatever he is doing. We both know we’re being stupid, but it’s how we feel.

I should have just had my 10 minutes in bed and relaxed, instead of taking some bad photos of myself and writing some text. As per usual though I do feel better after I’ve written something, and I feel like it’s important to show the realities of parenting. I know I’m not the only one who feels like this, so hopefully it might make someone else feel better.

#IDoNotWantADayAwayFromB #IJustWantADayWithoutResponsibilities #ItIsFunnyHowBeforeIHadSoMuchFreeTime #AndTookItAllForGranted #YeahItIsNotFunnyAtAll

Tiago always mentions a friend who once said he was tempted to book a day off work and go and sleep in a hotel, while his wife would think he was at work. This morning T was talking about going to a spa hotel for a weekend and just sleeping, relaxing and watching bad TV. Sounds great.

#IDoNotReallyKnowWhatIWantRightNow #IGuessMoreTimeToJustFeelLikeMyself #ThoughISupposeThisIsTheNewMeNow

By this, I just want time and space to make work. I have so many ideas and things I want to try it, but it just feels impossible at the moment. Hopefully by the time I publish this I’ll feel better.

#IFeelStressedAboutBsFeedingSituation #DidISwitchToFormulaTooSoonAndCauseMyMilkToDryUpABit #WasItEvenDryingUp

I think I just panicked. Thinking it though she only has a month and a bit until I plan to start giving her ‘normal food’. I am quite excited for the new phase and then I do not need to worry about my milk so much. So many babies are brought up on formula and they’re fine. She is still having some breastmilk a day. It’s so hard knowing what is best for her when we haven’t seen a ‘professional’ lately and B can’t talk.

#IWishSheCouldCommunicateAboutHerTeething

Today we put some spoons in the fridge and though they warm up quick in her mouth she seemed to like them.

#AndIfTheDrySkinSheHasHurts

They’re mainly under her arms. It’s probably from where we pick her up and her clothes rub against her skin. We’re putting cream on the patches but I still feed bad.

#IJustFeelLikeICouldBeAMuchBetterParent

Yep.

#IWonderIfBHadBeenBornDuringANonPandemicTimeIfThingsWouldBeDifferent #ILikeToThinkItWouldHaveBeenBetterButMaybeItWouldNot

It is hard to know, but I think things would be a lot different. We probably wouldn’t have moved to Birmingham though…

#SeeingMorePeopleAndBeingAbleToGoToClassesWouldHaveBeenGreatIAmSure

I seem a bit obsessed with wanting to go to classes. I just want to talk to other people in real life and let B be entertained in new ways.

#TAndBJustCameToSeeMeLyingInBed #BsSmileMakesItAllWorthIt

I felt so bad, yet good when B smiled at me.

#INeedToGetUpAndStopWritingAndStopMoping

What a way to spend my 10 minutes in bed…

#IJustNeedToContinueTakingEachDayAtATime

Yep.

#BabiesAreNotBornWithAHandbookSoWeHaveToKeepJustTryingToDoOurBest

Our old health visitor said the quote about babies and handbooks. We’ve still got about 2 weeks before our new one comes to visit.

#AndOneDayAllOfThisWillProbablyJustSeemLikeADistantMemory

And I’ll have this project to look back on and cringe at. 👍

(But also hopefully to laugh at the things that were bothering me, and to smile at the family photos and things.)


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Squeezing Through Doors And Hoping They Don’t Squeak (4th November 2020)

Me squeezed through the door and looking at the camera.
Squeezing Through Doors And Hoping They Don’t Squeak (4th November 2020)
 
#WellMyPeriodHasFinallyRememberedHowToWorkProperlyWhichIsABitAnnoying
#IWasHopingThatIWouldGetAwayWithItForABitLongerButAtLeastTheyDoNotSeemAsPainfulAsTheyUsedToBe
#PerhapsMyBodyKnowsThatIAmNotBreastfeedingSoMuch
#BIsHavingUpTo3FormulaFeedsADayNowAndTheRestOfTheTimeIBreastfeedHerOrGiveHerExpressedMilk
#IAmWorriedThatMaybeIAmOverfeedingHerButBeforeIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnough
#SheIsRarelySickThoughAndTodayIWillDoAWeaningClassSoWeWillStartThatSoon
#TheLastCoupleOfNightsIHaveHadToSqueezeThroughASqueakyBathroomDoorToGetToMyPads
#IHaveToBeCarefulThatItDoesNotWakeBUpAsIEdgeItOpenLittleByLittle
#LastNightSheSleptThroughTheNightForWhatFeltLikeTheFirstTimeInAges
#WeHadNotGivenHerParacetamolInAFewDaysButSheWasDribblingSoMuchYesterday
#AndSheWasQuiteHappyToChompDownOnMyFingerForALongTime
#ThoughSheSleptIStillWokeUpQuiteRegularlyButLuckilyISeemAbleToGoBackToSleepPrettyQuick
#SheIsAsleepNowButIKeepThinkingThatICanHearHer
#IThinkMyBrainSometimesImaginesBabyCries
#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAboutHerHoarseVoice
#TheyCalledBackAtTheEndOfTheDayAndHeSaidJustToKeepMonitoringHerForAWeek
#ISaidItIsDifficultToDoTheAppointmentOverThePhoneAsSheDoesNotMakeSoundsOnCue
#IPreferThePhoneAppointmentsButSometimesInPersonSeemsBetter
#SheSeemsQuiteHappyThoughReallyConsideringThatSheIsUnderTheWeatherAndIsTeethingAndIsHavingADevelopmentalLeap
#TiagoTookTheDayOffWorkTodayToGoBackAndDoOneLastCleanOfOurFlatInLiverpool
#LastTimeHeLeftHomeBefore8amAndGotBackAt10pmAndHeStillHadNotFinished
#IWillBeGladWhenTodayIsOverSoThatWeCanFocusOnUnpackingThisWeekend
#WithEnglandGoingIntoASecondLockdownTomorrowIAmGladWeMovedWhenWeDid
#ThoughMovingIntoSomeoneElsesHomePresentsNewChallenges
#IFeelLikeThisProjectWillGetLessHonestAsIFeelUnableToTalkAboutEverythingAsIDoNotWantToAppearUngrateful
#IThinkSoonIWillDropThisProjectDownToOneShootAWeekUnlessAnythingMajorHappens
#OurDaysArePrettyMuchTheSame
#IAmJustObsessivelyTryingToFollowAScheduleForHerAndWorkingIfICanWhenSheSleeps
#ThoughDuringOneOfHerNapsITakeHerForAWalkWhichICurrentlyJustDaydreamThroughAsICanNotFindMyEarphones
#IWouldLikeToMakeSomeWorkWhereICanEscapeFromTheMonotomyOfOurLives

I wrote this on 4th November and forgot what an overshare it might have been…

#WellMyPeriodHasFinallyRememberedHowToWorkProperlyWhichIsABitAnnoying #IWasHopingThatIWouldGetAwayWithItForABitLongerButAtLeastTheyDoNotSeemAsPainfulAsTheyUsedToBe

I am hoping it stays this way.

#PerhapsMyBodyKnowsThatIAmNotBreastfeedingSoMuch

It has coincided with the first week of more formula feeds, but it could be a coincidence?

#BIsHavingUpTo3FormulaFeedsADayNowAndTheRestOfTheTimeIBreastfeedHerOrGiveHerExpressedMilk

Apparently some women breastfeed and get their periods straight away?

My feeding schedule does vary a bit at the moment, but for example today so far it’s been breastfeed, formula, breastfeed, formula… and I am planning to try to breastfeed next, then a bottle of expressed milk for the dream feed.

#IAmWorriedThatMaybeIAmOverfeedingHerButBeforeIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnough #SheIsRarelySickThoughSoMaybeSheIsHungrierTheseDays

With breastfeeding it is hard to know how much she is getting. With formula I know it is 210ml, then with feeding expressed milk it’s usually around 100ml.

#ThisImageIsAboutTheFactThatTheLastCoupleOfNightsIHaveHadToSqueezeThroughASqueakyBathroomDoorToGetToMyPads #IHaveToBeCarefulThatItDoesNotWakeBUpAsIEdgeItOpenLittleByLittle

The night my period arrived, T and B were already in bed so I was trying to rummage around to find them. The next day I realised they were in the bathroom, but when I needed a new one the bathroom door was closed.

It made me laugh trying to open it a little bit then trying to squeeze through and repeat. Last night I realised the door was closed again, so I had to do the same thing and noted the shoot idea down.

Writing this I realise that I need to make sure I move them out of the bathroom…

#LastNightSheSleptThroughTheNightForWhatFeltLikeTheFirstTimeInAges

Giving her formula so late in the day means that her nappy is always super heavy in the night. I end up changing it at 2am or whatever which upsets her and then I have to feed her.

#WeHadNotGivenHerParacetamolInAFewDaysButSheWasDribblingSoMuchYesterday #AndSheWasQuiteHappyToChompDownOnMyFingerForALongTime

It is so hard to know if she is in pain or not. I was cautious about giving her it as someone said that some parents just use it to make their kids drowsy, so I worry about using it for no reason. Pain might be why she hasn’t been sleeping through the night though…

#ThoughSheSleptIStillWokeUpQuiteRegularlyButLuckilyISeemAbleToGoBackToSleepPrettyQuick

It takes me so long to fall asleep at first as my brain is overthinking thing, but usually I do fall asleep quickly during the night.

#SheIsAsleepNowButIKeepThinkingThatICanHearHer #IThinkMyBrainSometimesImaginesBabyCries

I am writing this during her last nap of the day and I keep think I can hear her again. She went down too easily for this time of the day…

#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAboutHerHoarseVoice #TheyCalledBackAtTheEndOfTheDayAndHeSaidJustToKeepMonitoringHerForAWeek

I feel like today she hasn’t made that much noise, but it does seem to be getting a little bit better.

#ISaidItIsDifficultToDoTheAppointmentOverThePhoneAsSheDoesNotMakeSoundsOnCue

He got a bit annoyed at me saying that it is hard over the phone. I said I understand why they’re on the phone… I still haven’t heard from the health visitor yet. It will be good when they finally visit, though I am nervous.

#IPreferThePhoneAppointmentsButSometimesInPersonSeemsBetter

It’d be nice for her just to be checked over and so that I know everything is okay.

I am nervous that I might get told off for whatever reason though.

#SheSeemsQuiteHappyThoughReallyConsideringThatSheIsUnderTheWeatherAndIsTeethingAndIsHavingADevelopmentalLeap

She’s a bit clingy and I have to rush to do things sometimes, but she does seem okay.

#TiagoTookTheDayOffWorkTodayToGoBackAndDoOneLastCleanOfOurFlatInLiverpool #LastTimeHeLeftHomeBefore8amAndGotBackAt10pmAndHeStillHadNotFinished

Bless him. I feel bad that I can’t help him. It’s 5pm now and he thinks he’ll be there until 7pm at least. He left at around 7am…

#IWillBeGladWhenTodayIsOverSoThatWeCanFocusOnUnpackingThisWeekend

I really just want to have some things put away and to sort through our stuff, and to have some space to make work.

#WithEnglandGoingIntoASecondLockdownTomorrowIAmGladWeMovedWhenWeDid

Maybe it will only be 4 weeks, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is much longer.

#ThoughMovingIntoSomeoneElsesHomePresentsNewChallenges

I feel like perhaps this project won’t be as honest as it usually is. Well, it’ll still be honest but I feel unable to talk about some things as I don’t want to be seen as ungrateful.

It’s a difficult time for everyone right now in some way. For me I think I would feel a lot better if I could just have more conversations with people face to face and go to baby classes.

#INowKnowWithParentsThatItIsBestNotToGiveAdviceUnlessTheyAskForItAndIGuessTheSameAppliesForAllPeopleAndSubjects

Perhaps this a polite way of saying that I do not like being made to feel that I am a bad parent and that I do not know what is wrong with my child. It might not be their intention when they say things, but that is how it makes me feel.

#IThinkSoonIWillDropThisProjectDownToOneShootAWeekUnlessAnythingMajorHappens

The writing side of this takes up so much time. I could change it, but I feel like I am letting myself down in some way.

#OurDaysArePrettyMuchTheSame #IAmJustObsessivelyTryingToFollowAScheduleForHerAndWorkingIfICanWhenSheSleeps

I seem to have things to talk about, but I am sure some weeks nothing much will happen. Perhaps I just need to shorten my writing at times?

#ThoughDuringOneOfHerNapsITakeHerForAWalkWhichICurrentlyJustDaydreamThroughAsICanNotFindMyEarphonesToListenToThings

It is quite nice to actually not listen to anything and just let my brain be free for a bit. I don’t really do it enough.

Today I saw a few women with pushchairs/prams. I wanted to talk to them, but I didn’t want them to think I was weird.

#IWouldLikeToMakeSomeWorkWhereICanEscapeFromTheMonotomyOfOurLives

I don’t know when I can make a dance video again. Maybe next week? I just need to make space for it, or just totally change how I do them.

This project is too involved with scrutinising what I am doing and how things are. I need to have some art fun…


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Working On The Stairs, Listening Out For B (27th October 2020)

Sat on the bottom step of the stairs with my face lit by the light of my laptop
Working On The Stairs, Listening Out For B (27th October 2020)
 
#HereIsATerriblePhonePictureOfMeWorkingOnTheBottomOfTheStairs
#BHadGoneToBedButSheKeptWakingUpAndCryingSoItWasEasierToJustSitThereAndWork
#SheIsDefinitelyTeethingNow
#IFeelSoSorryForHerAsItMustBeHorrible
#IKnewWithHavingABabyThatIWouldDreadTheTeethingStages
#TodaySheHadFormulaForTheSecondTime
#SheHadHerFirstBottleTwoDaysAgoAsIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnough
#IGaveHerSomeTodayWhenSheWouldBarelyBreastfeedDuringOneFeed
#IPumpedAfterwardsAndBarelyAnythingCameOut
#MaybeItIsDueToStressOrMaybeItIsPermanentlyDryingUp
#IDoFeelBummedOutByItButINeedToMakeSureSheIsGettingFed
#ThereIsNoPointTorturingMyself
#TiagoWentFoodShoppingTonightSoHeBoughtABoxOfFormula
#IWouldStartWeaningHerButItSeemsThat6MonthsIsTheRecommendationNow
#SheIs4AndAHalfMonthsSoItIsNotMuchLongerToGo
#IGuessIWillTryToBreastfeedHerStillAsMuchAsICanThough
#InOtherNewsIHaveNotUnpackedMuchAtAll
#IAmTiredFromHavingToQuicklyPackEverythingUp
#TiagoNeedsToGoBackToCleanUpTheFlatAndPackTheLastFewThings
#ItWasANightmareGettingTheThingsWeNeededAndOurselvesInTheCar
#InTheEndWeJustBottleFedBSomeExpressedMilkInTheCarInTheCarparkJustSoWeCouldGetOutOfTheFlat
#WeStartedTheDayOptimisticAndThoughtWeWouldStartWithTheCleaning
#WeEvenWentForAWalkToGetLunchFromOurFavouriteFalafelPlace
#AGuyWalkedPastUsInTheStreetAndWasImpressedByTiagoCarryingB
#HeSaidHeWantedOneButIDoNotKnowIfHeWentTheCarrierOrBabyOrBoth
#BsScheduleGotSuperMessedUpButSheDidSleepForTheWholeCarJourneyAtLeast
#TodayIDecidedToExploreMoreOfTheAreaAsEvenThoughIHaveSpentSoMuchTimeHereIStillDoNotKnowWhatIsInCertainDirections
#ILikeToDrinkALotOfWaterWhenIWalkToTryToHelpWithMilkProduction
#AGuyRanPastSayingHeHopedItWasVodka
#PeopleSeemFriendlyAroundHereButIAmStressedOutByTheNarrowPaths

I am writing this on 28th October. I was too tired to do it last night/I didn’t have much time as I was actually planning on doing a shoot today, but this seemed shareable.

#HereIsATerriblePhonePictureOfMeWorkingOnTheBottomOfTheStairs

I think you can just about see that my face is lit up by the laptop screen. I balanced my phone on the radiator to take this picture.

I have really started to embrace the self-timer setting on my phone since having a baby; often it’s the easiest way to get a picture with B.

#BHadGoneToBedButSheKeptWakingUpAndCryingSoItWasEasierToJustSitThereAndWork

T had gone out food shopping and she seemed a bit too happy at bedtime, so I knew it was too good to be true. It’s always when she goes to bed at a reasonable time that she plays up for ages.

#SheIsDefinitelyTeethingNow

We need to start giving her paracetamol before she goes to bed as we end up giving it to her a lot later on and then she seems to sleep well.

#IFeelSoSorryForHerAsItMustBeHorrible

She just chews on my fingers a lot, though we have 4 different teethers now. Actually more than that I think, but her mouth is quite small at the moment, so a finger fits better.

#IKnewWithHavingABabyThatIWouldDreadTheTeethingStages

This is just the first phase of more to come. You can’t explain to her what is happening and she can’t communicate, so we’re just guessing and hoping we get things right.

#TodaySheHadFormulaForTheSecondTime #SheHadHerFirstBottleTwoDaysAgoAsIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnoughFood #IGaveHerSomeTodayWhenSheWouldBarelyBreastfeedDuringOneFeed

It’s some pre-mixed stuff. At her age they recommend 210ml at a feed, but they sell them in 200ml bottles. Cunning. She drank the whole bottle, but I think most babies will if you keep offering them milk.

#IPumpedAfterwardsAndBarelyAnythingCameOut

She had been on for a little bit but not much at all. Her first bf feed of the day is quite long as there is more milk as they have not been used in 8 hours-ish usually.

After that the feeds get very short and I think she drinks them dry, and makes a sound when she comes off. Though sometimes she will drink more, but maybe it’s to do with teething and it hurts her? She seems to prefer the bottle more as I think she uses it as a teether.

#MaybeItIsDueToStressOrMaybeMyMilkIsPermanentlyDryingUp

I am a bit stressed out.

She’s currently having her first nap of the day now, which is a great time to get things done. She usually sleeps for an hour and a half, but I can hear her now after 40 minutes. I’m just leaving it a minute in case she goes back to sleep.

She’s up now. I think it might be because of teething, so we gave her some paracetamol. I feel awkward about giving her it as I don’t like to take it much myself, but my Mum says that it’s best not to be shy about it. I’m sure if B could say if she wanted it or not she would want it.

#IDoFeelBummedOutByItButINeedToMakeSureSheIsGettingFed #ThereIsNoPointTorturingMyself

Carrying this on now that she’s gone down for another nap – nearly 2 hours later.

When other people have had problems with their milk supply I’ve said ‘why do they torture themselves? why do they not just switch to formula?’ but I get it now.

However, I spend the day worrying about whether she is getting enough or not. This morning I thought she must be as she is sleeping quite well through the night at the moment, so she can’t be too hungry.

Talking to my Mum I think that maybe she is alright. It is normal for babies to lose their appetites as their mouths hurt, so we’ll see. I think I should maybe do one formula feed a day though.

#TiagoWentFoodShoppingTonightSoHeBoughtABoxOfFormula

Reading the instructions it seems like such a faff. I think this is also why I have changed my tune a bit with her feeding…

My Mum says that B would be crying a lot more if she was hungry and not sleeping so well at night.

#IWouldStartWeaningHerButItSeemsThat6MonthsIsTheRecommendationNow #SheIs4AndAHalfMonthsSoItIsNotMuchLongerToGo

I think I’m going to do a workshop so that I do feel more comfortable with weaning as it’s not too far off now.

#IGuessIWillTryToBreastfeedHerStillAsMuchAsICanThough

I don’t want my supply to drop even lower. There’s also something in breast milk that acts as a painkiller, which is good for her teething.

#InOtherNewsIHaveNotUnpackedMuchAtAll #IAmTiredFromHavingToQuicklyPackEverythingUp

Packing and unpacking fatigue.

#TiagoNeedsToGoBackToCleanUpTheFlatAndPackTheLastFewThings

I am using us not having our box of hangers as an excuse, but once we get them I do hope to start putting things away and sorting through our stuff. We definitely need to start getting rid of more things.

#ItWasANightmareGettingTheThingsWeNeededAndOurselvesInTheCar

I would not wish moving with a baby during a pandemic on anyone.

#InTheEndWeJustBottleFedBSomeExpressedMilkInTheCarInTheCarparkJustSoWeCouldGetOutOfTheFlat

We were hoping to leave sooner, but by the time we got in the car B hadn’t slept in 3 hours. I thought there was no point just letting her sleep as I usually feed her every 3 hours during the day, so it made sense for her to eat before we left.

#WeStartedTheDayOptimisticAndThoughtWeWouldStartWithTheCleaning #WeEvenWentForAWalkToGetLunchFromOurFavouriteFalafelPlace

I had a really nice chat with the guy in the falafel place. We didn’t get out for a walk the day before, so it was nice to have a last goodbye walk in Liverpool even though it was mainly in the rain.

#AGuyWalkedPastUsInTheStreetAndWasImpressedByTiagoCarryingB #HeSaidHeWantedOneButIDoNotKnowIfHeWentTheCarrierOrBabyOrBoth

It’s always typical that when you are about to leave somewhere that you start having nice interactions with people – not that we hadn’t had any before, but I just wished that I had had more sooner.

B and I had been going on daily walks and no one had spoken to us randomly before.

#BsScheduleGotSuperMessedUpButSheDidSleepForTheWholeCarJourneyAtLeast

See above. She definitely wouldn’t have slept the whole time if we haven’t fed her before. It made sense to do it first as otherwise we would have had to stop at a service station, which would have been more stressful.

#TodayIDecidedToExploreMoreOfTheAreaAsEvenThoughIHaveSpentSoMuchTimeHereIStillDoNotKnowWhatIsInCertainDirections

I just needed to get out of the house. My daily walk is quite relaxing and it feels good to get out and about. Today I’ll maybe try to discover some other new places.

#ILikeToDrinkALotOfWaterWhenIWalkToTryToHelpWithMilkProduction #AGuyRanPastSayingHeHopedItWasVodka

I had checked behind to see if anyone was coming as I thought I could hear someone. I then must have taken a swig and it probably looked a bit suspicious.

It was nice to have an interaction with someone though. Two days before someone had warned me about a lot of goose poo on the path up ahead.

#PeopleSeemFriendlyAroundHereButIAmStressedOutByTheNarrowPaths

Yeah, the narrow goose poo paths.

I also had a chat with a neighbour yesterday – we didn’t know our neighbours in Liverpool, so it’s nice having more people to chat to.

(12th November 2020: Typically since then I haven’t had any interactions with the neighbours or spoke to any people whilst out on a walk – except when I decide just to wait for them to pass instead of squeezing down a path and they say thanks.)


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Stir-Crazy, Sore Boob (24th September 2020)

Me clutching a breast ice pack to my boob and looking a bit miserable
Stir-Crazy, Sore Boob (24th September 2020)
 
#IWasSoOverItThatINearlyDidNotBotherCarryingOnWithTheShoot
#IWasSoFedUpThatIAlmostDidNotBotherToWriteTheseHashtags
#ItIsOnlyThreeDaysIntoTheNewLocalLockdownAndIAmAlreadyGoingStirCrazy
#ItIsNotLikeIWasDoingMuchAnyways
#ButJustBeingAbleToSeeMyFamilyAndThingsMadeThingsABitBetter
#INeedToFeelSomeSenseOfANormalLifeAgain
#IJustFeelStuckAndFrustrated
#IAmGratefulToBeAMotherWhichIFeelTheNeedToKeepSayingThisAsIKnowHowSomePeopleWantParenthoodSoMuch
#IDoLikeBeingAMotherButIDidNotChooseToBecomeAMotherDuringAPandemic
#WhenIGoToBedAtNightNowICanNotWaitToPlayWithBInTheMorning
#AndIFeelLikeIMissHerThoughSheIsNotEvenHalfAMetreAwayFromMeInHerCot
#TheProblemIsBeingAMotherInATimeWhenICanNotReallyHangOutWithAnyoneElseOrGoToBabyClasses
#IBoughtSwimmingStuffForHerTheOtherDayAsTIsOffWorkNextWeek
#ButAllTheFamilySwimmingSlotsAreFullAtTheMomentAsOnlyTwoOrThreeFamiliesCanBeInThePoolAtOneTime
#ITotallyUnderstandWhyWeHaveLockdownAndIAgreeWithIt
#ButIAmAlsoAllowedToBeAnnoyedByThisWholeSituation
#OurOriginalPlanForNextWeekWasToGoAndSpendTimeWithMyFamily
#NowItIsLookingLikeTheWeatherWillBeCrapAndWeWillProbablyBeStuckInTheFlatForMostOfTheWeek
#TiagoSaysWeCanJustWatchFilmsAndEatNiceFood
#ThatWouldBeGoodButIAlsoHopeThatWeCanGoOutForWalksAndThings
#MyDailyHighlightAtTheMomentIsWatchingAFilmWhilstIFeedB
#UsuallySplitAcrossThreeFeedsAroundTenOneAndFour
#ButYeahOneBoobIsSoreAndIAmWorriedItIsMastitis
#BeforeMyNipplesWereSoSoreThatItUpsetMeAndIDidNotLookForwardToFeedingHer
#NowMyBoobFeelsBruisedAndHorribleSoINeedToKeepAnEyeOnIt
#IWillCallTheDoctorsIfItDoesNotFeelBetterByTomorrow
#TypicallyWhenBSleepsForLongerIPayForItWithMyBoobs
#SheWokeUpAFewTimesInTheNightButIGotHerUpAtFiveThirtyWhenSheNeededToBeChanged
#WeBothHadALongNapAfterwardsAndIDidNotFeelBadAboutIt
#LaterInTheDayIRealisedThatMyBoobWasProbablyJustBruisedFromTurningUpThePumpSettingOnMyPumpTheDayBefore

Apologies, my pictures look all the same. I feel like there is not much else I can do at the moment.

I do not even feel like writing about these hashtags much today (24th September) as they kind of say what I want to say.

I somehow feel like I am letting myself down by not expanding on them like I usually do, but there really isn’t much more to say about it.

(And then I said a hundred and one things below.)

I don’t mean to whine all the time, but I guess this is a way of venting through everything. This is why my work is therapeutic. I’m sure some people are making happy work through lockdown, but I am guessing my mood in these posts is also the general mood, right?

I guess things are different if you’re off out at pubs and not worrying anymore about getting it. I think I shouldn’t worry so much, but what if one of us got it and we weren’t okay? I don’t really want to have to deal with the after symptoms that I hear of either. I don’t want it.

I’m not sure what we would be doing if there was not a pandemic.

I guess we’d be planning to visit Tiago’s family so they could meet B.

We’d probably have gone to the supermarket as a family by now. That sounds so dull, but I have not been into a big supermarket since before lockdown. I went to a little one once, but it was too stressful. Now I am thinking I should avoid shops for a while.

I want to take B to the library, but it just seems like it is a bit of a germ factory. There would be events on there (if there wasn’t a pandemic) that I could take her too.

I’d take her to classes at the nearest children’s centre, so I could meet more local mums and feel a bit more human. T is great to live with and super supportive, but I need more human contact. He also is missing speaking to his friends and more people in real life.

Like I said I hope that we can take her swimming soon as that will at least be something different, and Tiago and I both like swimming. We hope she does too.

(12th October – We did take her swimming; it felt good to do something different. We are hoping to take her again soon, but new rules come in today that means gyms will close – I hope this does not include pools.)

I am worried about how the winter will be if I already feel like this now. It gets cold here and I don’t want us all to be sat at home running up massive heating bills, though we probably will have to accept that will be the case – at least we’re not spending money on much else.

My main focus right now should be keeping B happy; if she’s happy then I’m happy-ish.

I don’t know what I would be doing now if we didn’t have her, I’d probably still be going stir crazy but about other things.

25th September:

Well, I feel a lot better after having a good old whine yesterday.

Regarding my boob I think actually I just bruised it. The day before I had increased the power on the pump setting (it has two – one for massage, and then pump) of my pump. I hadn’t used it for at least two months because it left me feeling sore, but for some reason I felt the need to use it the other day.

I just got super stressed because I was feeling so down.

Thinking about why I’m feeling so down – this time lockdown is different for me. Before I had the countdown of B’s birth to look forward to, but now we don’t have anything to count down to. We don’t have any trips planned and now we can’t even visit my family, so we’re just stuck here for now.

This isn’t what I thought initial motherhood would be like. I thought I would finally have the time to visit more local places and go to baby groups and meet new people.

I just feel bad for B, as going to groups and stuff would be more stimulating for her than just being stuck at home or going for a daily walk (when she should be sleeping, but she doesn’t seem to).

I’m doing my best to entertain her during play time, but it’s just getting a bit repetitive. I try to mix it up, but my enthusiasm is low some days. I guess at this point she doesn’t need that much stimulation and we are just working on building her strength and introducing her to whatever we can.

I guess it is annoying that I could go to a pub or restaurant and be sat in a room with lots of strangers, but I can’t go to a baby group where social distancing measures would be put in place and it probably would be safer than a pub/restaurant/shop.

At least Tiago has next week off so I can have a little break and we can do family things together. I guess my main worry is after next week his next holiday won’t be for a while, and when will I have more support during the weekdays again?

I guess I just need to take each day at a time and try not to think about the future too much. Who knows how long this will go on for? At least B is happy and healthy, and hopefully we can go swimming soon.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Was Feeling Overwhelmed, But I Felt Better After I Wrote About It (18th September 2020)

Me feeding B
I Was Feeling Overwhelmed, But I Felt Better After I Wrote About It (18th September 2020)
 
#IHaveWantedToWriteAboutThisForAFewDaysButIHaveAlsoNotWantedToGiveMyselfExtraWorkToDo
#IThinkTheWordOfTheWeekIsOverwhelmed
#IHaveBeenWonderingWhyAndIGuessIHaveNeverHadAnAlmost24SevenJobBefore
#AndIAmGettingFedUpWithMyMainContactWithOtherPeopleBesidesBAndTBeingThroughMyPhoneOrComputer
#WeStillDoNotKnowManyPeopleInLiverpoolAndTheOnesWeDoKnowGenerallyLiveFarAway
#AndIWasHopingThatIWouldMeetMoreLocalMumsThroughTheChildrensCentreAndStuff
#ButTheyHaveBeenClosedAndNowANewLocalLockdownLooksImminent
#WeAreTryingToWorkOnBsNaps
#WithFeedingAndChangingHerYouKnowWhatYouAreGoingToGet
#ButWithNapsYouDoNotKnowIfItWillBeTwentyMinutesOrTwoHoursSoYouHaveToMoveFast
#TheFirstNapOfTheDayIsMeantToBeTheEasiestToSucceedWith
#IRiskedShavingMyLegsAndIManagedToDoBothAndIAmWritingThisNow
#IEvenManagedToDoSomeStretchingAndHaveBreakfast
#IHaveFoundMyselfDoingMyStretchingAt4InTheMorningALotLatelyWhichIsNotGood
#IFeelLikeIHaveMadeMyLifeOvercomplicated
#HavingToWriteAnEssayWithEachPhotoThenABlogPost
#ButThePicturesSeemRubbishAtTheMoment
#IAmWritingThisBeforeIHaveEvenDoneAShootAsIFeelPutOffThatTheShootWillBeBad
#IGuessItIsImportantToJustKeepMakingWorkAtTheMoment
#ButItFeelsCrapHavingCrapPhotos
#IGuessPeopleAreNotExpectingMuchFromMeRightNow
#ButIAmExpectingALotFromMyself
#OnceInAWhileIJustFeelDownAboutMyArtPracticeAndWonderWhyIDoItAll
#SoIGuessThisIsOneOfThosePhasesCombinedWithALotOfOtherStuff
#IJustNeedToMakeMyWorkForMyselfAndAsLongAsIGetSomethingFromItThenItIsAllGood
#INeedToMoveFastWhenBIsAsleepToAchieveSomething
#WeAreDueToHaveAFlatInspectionForTheFirstTimeSinceBeforeLockdown
#ItSeemsSoHardToGetTheBedroomCleanAsBIsEitherAsleepInItOrSheIsAwakeAndINeedToLookAfterHer
#TheClothesMountainJustNeverSeemsToGetAnySmaller
#ButIAmGratefulToBeAMumAndILoveWhenBEspeciallyWhenSheSmilesAtMe

(I wrote this post on 18th September.)

#IHaveWantedToWriteAboutThisForAFewDaysButIHaveAlsoNotWantedToGiveMyselfExtraWorkToDo

I need to figure out a way to make these blog posts feel less like hard work. Sometimes I enjoy them, but sometimes I wonder why I am doing this.

#IThinkTheWordOfTheWeekIsOverwhelmed #IHaveBeenWonderingWhyAndIGuessIHaveNeverHadAnAlmost24SevenJobBefore

It is full on and I have been doing it for three months. Tiago does look after her too, but Monday to Friday 7-5ish she is mainly my responsibility, then I need to worry about producing her milk at all times.

We have been struggling with giving her a bottle feed a day as she struggles with the teats, but I think we have fixed it. I decided to get her some slow flow teats and that seems to have done the trick. Sometimes I let her suck my finger (that sounds odd) and I realised how strong she was getting, so with the other teats I think she often is drowning in milk. She had a dream feed last night with the slow teat and she drank most of it.

(5th October – The slow teats definitely did the trick. She has a dream feed with a bottle every night now and she usually feeds quite well.)

#AndIAmGettingFedUpWithMyMainContactWithOtherPeopleBesidesBAndTBeingThroughMyPhoneOrComputer

I feel like I have so many conversations going on all over the place and I am bored of them. I just want to have in person conversations, but it is difficult.

(5th October – Rules have got stricter since. I am trying to have a social media detox of sorts. I’ve deactivated my Facebook, made a long password for my Twitter that I don’t know and logged out, trying to go on Instagram less, and aiming to have more video calls and less WhatsApp chit chat.

I am finding social media difficult at the moment. Some people are living under less strict rules and have something that resembles a ‘normal’ life. The weather was so bad today that we couldn’t even go for a walk.)

#WeStillDoNotKnowManyPeopleInLiverpoolAndTheOnesWeDoKnowGenerallyLiveFarAway

All the ‘new mums’ that I know live on the other side of Liverpool.

I don’t drive, don’t really want to get public transport, and don’t want to rely on Tiago all the time.

(5th October – Well, the rules have changed now and we can no longer meet people in pubs or restaurants, and it is not recommended to meet people outdoors.)

#AndIWasHopingThatIWouldMeetMoreLocalMumsThroughTheChildrensCentreAndStuff #ButTheyHaveBeenClosedAndNowANewLocalLockdownLooksImminent

Sometimes I see women pushing pushchairs on walks and I hope they’ll talk to me, but I’m so awkward now with not having much in person interaction. I usually have my sunglasses on and can’t make eye contact when they’re off.

It’s just a weird time to meet people with social distancing and all. I’m writing this on 18th September and it looks like new rules will be introduced for Liverpool tonight.

(5th October – Yeah they changed. There are no baby classes that are easily accessible for me right now. I’m finding zoom classes awkward and I haven’t attended one ‘live’ in weeks.

I actually just got an email to say that she’s thinking about going back to in-person classes, and they’re out of the way for us. So looks like I’ll be looking into other options and probably having to embrace zoom again.)

#WeAreTryingToWorkOnBsNaps

I say we, but really it’s me as I’m the one looking after her all day.

I said to Tiago earlier that I am jealous of his life as he gets to go out for work and do stuff. He went on a bike ride last night. I want to go on a bike ride.

#WithFeedingAndChangingHerYouKnowWhatYouAreGoingToGet #ButWithNapsYouDoNotKnowIfItWillBeTwentyMinutesOrTwoHoursSoYouHaveToMoveFast

Yesterday all her naps were no longer than thirty minutes. Then I messed up with her last nap of the day as it took so long for her to go to sleep that it then basically became her bedtime. I hadn’t done any of her bedtime routine and we missed out a feeding.

We gave her a dream feed and she didn’t wake up, but she had been asleep for so long that of course she was going to wake up early in the morning. I tried to delay her feed and it worked a bit, but after 6 hours I gave up. It is recommended to not use the dummy as the first way to extend sleep, but I was so tired that I kept giving it to her first.

Last night felt like the latest I had stayed up in a while, but I did not achieve anything as I was so tired and just faffed.

#TheFirstNapOfTheDayIsMeantToBeTheEasiestToSucceedWith

You’re supposed to offer at least one nap in the cot and that one seems easy to do.

#IRiskedShavingMyLegsAndIManagedToDoBothAndIAmWritingThisNow

I was half hoping she would wake up, so I knew that the photo would be of one hairy leg and one shaven leg.

#IEvenManagedToDoSomeStretchingAndHaveBreakfast

I was going to eat breakfast first, but I knew that would be dumb as then I wouldn’t be able to stretch properly.

#IHaveFoundMyselfDoingMyStretchingAt4InTheMorningALotLatelyWhichIsNotGood

Well the last two nights before tonight. I am tired all the time, but I knew that she would be asleep long enough for me to do it.

#IFeelLikeIHaveMadeMyLifeOvercomplicated #HavingToWriteAnEssayWithEachPhotoThenABlogPost

Seriously, whose bright idea was it to write a blog?

Why did I feel like now was a good time to do a coding course? To be fair, there will never be a good time to do a course again – or not until B is in school perhaps?

#ButThePicturesSeemRubbishAtTheMoment #IAmWritingThisBeforeIHaveEvenDoneAShootAsIFeelPutOffThatTheShootWillBeBad #IGuessItIsImportantToJustKeepMakingWorkAtTheMoment #ButItFeelsCrapHavingCrapPhotos

I am guessing she will wake up soon so I won’t have to worry about what picture it’s going to be right now. I don’t know how many more pictures of myself in my underwear in my living room I can deal with.

I will probably try to take a picture with her, so I should set my stuff up ready.

(It felt like the easiest thing to do was to do a shoot whilst I fed her. She moves her hands/arms around a lot whilst feeding now, so I like that I got one with her arm like this as I love arm poses. I think I have also been feeling overwhelmed though as I often feel sore from feeding and so I was dreading feeding her at times.)

#IGuessPeopleAreNotExpectingMuchFromMeRightNow #ButIAmExpectingALotFromMyself

I always expect a lot from myself.

#OnceInAWhileIJustFeelDownAboutMyArtPracticeAndWonderWhyIDoItAll

If you’re an artist/photographer/writer/whatever you know the feeling.

#SoIGuessThisIsOneOfThosePhasesCombinedWithALotOfOtherStuff #IJustNeedToMakeMyWorkForMyselfAndAsLongAsIGetSomethingFromItThenItIsAllGood

I have had these similar phases for years. I guess I am just tired and I’ll snap out of it. Yesterday I had one of those (frequent) realisations that so many people are trying to do what I am trying to do.

I made my YouTube channel originally knowing I would get mean comments, but a mean comment yesterday made me feel really crummy. Usually people write something mean and then delete it as they know they’re being an asshole, but this person still has not deleted it.

It’s also annoying when people write something as if it is not your channel. As if it is a random video on someone else’s channel where the person who it is is not easily identifiable.

I guess you never know what is going on in someone else’s life. Sounds like they’re going through a bad time too if they feel the need to leave horrible comments on random videos.

I love the confidence that people have to write such things. Well I guess it is easy when you have no profile picture and a name that is nothing like your own. I find leaving comments awkward and I usually only write positive ones…

(5th October – I was feeling a lot better, but today I seem to have slipped a bit. Tiago was off work last week, so it was nice to have more support in the day. Now he’s back working again – though only in the other room, but I don’t like bothering him.

I don’t like not knowing when we can see my family again. It was nice to see them when we could and to have a bit of support, but now it’s all been taken away from us again. Obviously we’re not the only people affected by this and some people have less help, but it is frustrating.)

#INeedToMoveFastWhenBIsAsleepToAchieveSomething

I actually need to wake B up now to feed her.

I have been trying to get up at 7am every day to have something that resembles a routine. This morning my alarm went off (the first day that I set one) and I pressed snooze. I thought B would wake up shortly anyways.

Woke up again and it was 7.40am. Okay we’ll try again tomorrow…

I don’t see why I make it such an issue when I know that she usually will have a nap again after an hour. I like to get stuff done in the morning so I can relax a little – at least I have done something today now.

(5th October – I will wake up at 3am and be wide awake, but I always feel AWFUL at 7am. I wanted a nap this morning, but I knew it was a good time to get things done as she usually sleeps alright. I then planned to nap in the afternoon, but I thought I better do the washing up and other things.)

#WeAreDueToHaveAFlatInspectionForTheFirstTimeSinceBeforeLockdown #ItSeemsSoHardToGetTheBedroomCleanAsBIsEitherAsleepInItOrSheIsAwakeAndINeedToLookAfterHer #TheClothesMountainJustNeverSeemsToGetAnySmaller

T does an excellent job of tidying the main room (living room/dining room/kitchen/my ‘studio’) but the other rooms seem to get a bit forgotten. Typically we said we wanted an early morning inspection when I feel like we need the time, but it will be good to not spend the whole day worrying. They have inspected it as a mess before.

They do not know we have a baby. I thought they would see me at an inspection and it would be obvious, but those inspections got cancelled due to the pandemic. Do you have to call to say you’ve had a baby? I don’t think so, but tomorrow they will see anyways.

I am not the world’s tidiest person, but I would actually love someone to have B for a bit so I could tidy the hell out of this flat. I want to organise things properly and get really into nesting mode.

I guess I could do it, but I write blog posts instead. And I actually feel much better after having written this one.

(5th October – We managed to get the flat looking alright and she never even commented about us having a baby. It turns out that one of our fire alarms has not had a battery in it since we moved in, so luckily that is sorted now. I was sure that they had tested it before, but obviously not.)

#ButIAmGratefulToBeAMumAndILoveBEspeciallyWhenSheSmilesAtMe

I do whine too much, but I think a lot of people feel the same as me, so I think it is good to share so that others might not feel so alone.

I am grateful to be a mother though and just having B smile at me makes me feel so so happy, but it is a life shock even if though you signed up for it.

Time to wake B.


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