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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

First Mother’s Day / Portrait Of A Mother Of A 9 Month Old (14th March 2021)

First Mother’s Day / Portrait Of A Mother Of A 9 Month Old (14th March 2021)
 
#TiagoGotHisFirstFathersDayWhenBWasOnlyAroundAWeekOld
#IHaveHadToWaitPatientlyFor9MonthsToGetMyFirstParentsDay
#TiagoGetsReallyStressedOutAboutWhatToDoForOccasionsButHeMadeANiceCardWithALotOfTextInsideThatHeSaidBToldHimToWrite
#HeWasOnAboutGettingMeRollerBladesButMaybeItIsNotTheBestTimeToStartBreakingSomeBones
#BsSkinLookedAlmostBackToNormalAndThenItStartedToGetBadAgain
#IThinkWeWillBeDealingWithItForAWhileButIGuessAtLeastWeKnowWhatWorksNow
#IHaveBeenFeelingALotBetterThisWeekThoughIAmNotReallySureWhy
#IThinkIHaveBeenSoBusyAndIKnowThingsAreChangingSoIAmFeelingMorePositive
#IWhineSoMuchInThisProjectWhichIsAwkwardButIDoLoveBeingAMother
#SeeingBGrowingAndChangingWeekToWeekIsSoRewarding
#ButNothingCanPrepareYouForThisMassiveLifeShift
#IAmFeelingMoreRelaxedWithBsMealTimesNowThatISetA30MinuteLimit
#IfSheIsHungryThenSheWillEatItSuperFast
#IfSheIsNotEatingThenAfter10MinutesIWillTrySomethingElseLikeMixingInHerDessertWhichIsUsuallyYoghurtAndFruit
#SheHasMilkBeforeHerSecondNapNowSoEvenIfSheDoesNotEatSheUsuallyDrinksWell
#TheOtherDayIStartedToSingThatTikTokSeaShantyToHerAndSheStartedToLaughSoThatWasTheSongOfTheDay
#IHadToLookUpTheLyricsAsIRealisedThatIHadBeenMakingThemUp
#MyClowningAndImprovTrainingIsDefinitelyComingInHandyForEntertainingB
#IDoLoveToMakeHerLaugh
#WhateverMakesHerLaughIJustKeepDoingItAndAmplifyingItUntilSheIsLaughedOut
#SheCanSuddenlyPlayWithToysThatSheCouldNotHoldBeforeAndIsInterestedInALotMoreThings
#SheHasStartedToOpenDrawersSoWeNeedToDoSomeMoreBabyProofing
#WeAreTryingToTeachHerToWaveWhichSheDoesSometimesButOtherTimesSheJustClaps
#IFeelLikeIShouldReallyBeLearningMoreAboutBabySignLanguageNow
#WhenWeDoOnlineBabyClassesIReallyLikeLearningTheSignsForSongs
#IAmAlsoFindingItEasierToTalkToHerNow
#IUsuallyJustKeepSayingCanYouSayThisOrThisAndSheDoesNotButSheWillOneDay
#OrIAmLikeLookAtThisToyCarrotItIsOrangeAndGreenAndItIsAVegetable
#TheMurderOfSarahEverardHasGotMeThinkingALotAboutAwkwardAndHorribleExperiencesInMyPast
#IHopeThatThingsWillBeDifferentForBAsSheGrowsUpButWeWillHaveToWaitAndSee

I was planning for this ‘entry’ to be Portrait Of A Mother Of A 9 Month Old, but then I realised Mother’s Day was coming up so I thought I would leave it until today. I haven’t done a shoot yet, but I fancy doing one with B so hopefully we’ll do one when she wakes up from her nap.

(6th April: Well I did the shoot and it involves one of my favourite themes of making myself not look very nice. I say that I’m not going to show B’s face, but this one shows her mouth and a bit of her nose. I was going to edit it, but it seemed a bit unnecessary.

I guess I do not want to show her whole face (well I posted a photo of B wearing her jaundice machine mask when I announced her birth anyways), and I particularly don’t want to show her eyes (which were covered in that photo). I feel like I should write more about this but I’m too tired. A topic for the future?)

#TiagoGotHisFirstFathersDayWhenBWasOnlyAroundAWeekOld

And here is the entry about that. Portugal has their Father’s Day on the 19th March every year, so that’s in 5 days time.

#IHaveHadToWaitPatientlyFor9MonthsToGetMyFirstParentsDay

It looks like Mother’s Day in Portugal is the first Sunday in May. Weird that Mother’s Day moves around but Father’s Day is the same date every year? I guess Portuguese Father’s Day might mean more to Tiago?

#TiagoGetsReallyStressedOutAboutWhatToDoForOccasionsButHeMadeANiceCardWithALotOfTextInsideThatHeSaidBToldHimToWrite

Bless him. He gets super stressed then keeps talking about it as the day approaches. It’s a commercial holiday that I am not really that bothered about, but I guess it just feels somewhat momentous as it is my first. I much prefer a hand-drawn card with a nice personal message to anything else, plus as it’s the weekend he has given me plenty of time to do my work which means more to me.

#HeWasOnAboutGettingMeRollerBladesButMaybeItIsNotTheBestTimeToStartBreakingSomeBones

When we lived in Liverpool people on skateboards and roller blades/skates would constantly go past us. I used to love roller blading – I remember going round my neighbour’s garage to Gina G a lot – and going to roller discos. I was never good on hills though. Just nice flat terrain for me please. I’d be too embarrassed to go out on them by myself…

#BsSkinLookedAlmostBackToNormalAndThenItStartedToGetBadAgain #IThinkWeWillBeDealingWithItForAWhileButIGuessAtLeastWeKnowWhatWorksNow

It’s a rollercoaster. Basically we can’t be lazy. We have some hydrocortisone cream that we apply twice a day when it’s bad, but her skin go to the point where we couldn’t even see where it needed to be applied. Now it is creeping back, so we need to keep an eye on it. We also use Dermol 500 which is super easy to apply and her skin seemed to get much better when we started to apply that every hour or two the other day. Then we have Zerobase which is a heavier ointment that we use before she goes to bed, and once or twice during the day.

(I hope this may be of use for someone, but I know different things work for different people. These are all things that B has been prescribed.)

#IHaveBeenFeelingALotBetterThisWeekThoughIAmNotReallySureWhy

I generally feel better at the weekend.

#IThinkIHaveBeenSoBusyAndIKnowThingsAreChangingSoIAmFeelingMorePositive

I have a temporary part time job coming up and I’m excited to get out of the house more. Yesterday we bumped into a woman and her baby who we met the other week, so I am hoping soon we will know more people.

#IWhineSoMuchInThisProjectWhichIsAwkwardButIDoLoveBeingAMother

I worry that B will see this work when she is older and think I hated raising her. I don’t.

#SeeingBGrowingAndChangingWeekToWeekIsSoRewarding

She changes so fast. I guess I did not really know how she would be at 9 months, but she seems to be doing more than I thought she would?

#ButNothingCanPrepareYouForThisMassiveLifeShift

I never really stayed in bed until late, but I definitely wasn’t waking up between 6 and 7 every day. You just get used to it and adjust your bedtime I guess, but that is the biggest shock I think really. We could let her lie in, but then she’ll probably go to bed later and I like having free time in the evening. Plus now she is often awake before 7 (when we’d like to get up) so that wouldn’t work.

#IAmFeelingMoreRelaxedWithBsMealTimesNowThatISetA30MinuteLimit

I thought I had mentioned this in previous hashtags, but maybe I didn’t? Well at meals now I give her 30 minutes to eat as otherwise we can sit there for an hour with me getting stressed.

#IfSheIsHungryThenSheWillEatItSuperFast

Breakfast is usually 15 minutes.

#IfSheIsNotEatingThenAfter10MinutesIWillTrySomethingElseLikeMixingInHerDessertWhichIsUsuallyYoghurtAndFruit

Yesterday she wasn’t eating dinner, but then I started to give her a bit of yoghurt with mango and she got eating so then I mixed it all together and she ate 90% of it. Great.

#SheHasMilkBeforeHerSecondNapNowSoEvenIfSheDoesNotEatSheUsuallyDrinksWell

Maybe I talked about this before, I’m not sure. Before she was just having milk when she woke up and before she went to bed, but on my sister’s suggestion we now give her milk then. It makes me feel not so stressed about her maybe not eating so much lunch.

#TheOtherDayIStartedToSingThatTikTokSeaShantyToHerAndSheStartedToLaughSoThatWasTheSongOfTheDay

This song. I’ve sung it so many times that I’m getting better at hitting a lower note at the end of the chorus. I’m not sure why she likes it, but she claps. I kept making videos of her doing stuff, then I’d start to sing it and she’d look at me.

#IHadToLookUpTheLyricsAsIRealisedThatIHadBeenMakingThemUp

Apparently it’s not about a weatherman, but a wellerman (which is the name of the song.)

#MyClowningAndImprovTrainingIsDefinitelyComingInHandyForEntertainingB

When we (Tiago and me, as B was not born yet) lived in London I used to do a lot of improv classes and courses, and I did a couple of clowning courses too. I started a stand-up comedy course but we moved to Liverpool before I finished it. It is something that I would like to revisit at some point.

#IDoLoveToMakeHerLaugh

I love to make anyone laugh, but the sound of babies laughing is one of the best in the world.

#WhateverMakesHerLaughIJustKeepDoingItAndAmplifyingItUntilSheIsLaughedOut

It’s great training. I’ve thought that maybe I should be a children’s entertainer? It seems less scary than making adults laugh.

#SheCanSuddenlyPlayWithToysThatSheCouldNotHoldBeforeAndIsInterestedInALotMoreThings

I love digging out a toy that she did not look at twice when she last saw it, but now she can really interact with it. I think I feel happier too as she can entertain herself a bit better now and is happy as long as you’re sat next to her. Tiago likes to lie on the floor while B crawls over him and chills next to him playing with her toys.

#SheHasStartedToOpenDrawersSoWeNeedToDoSomeMoreBabyProofing

Anything that she shouldn’t play with she obviously loves. My Nan has a trolley that looks a bit like a tea cart. She loves to stick her fingers in the wheels…

#WeAreTryingToTeachHerToWaveWhichSheDoesSometimesButOtherTimesSheJustClaps

She’s young. She’s got time. One moment she will really get it and switch between clapping and waving, and then she’ll just clap. The YouTube baby classes that we do talk about clapping more than they do waving, so it’s fair enough.

#IFeelLikeIShouldReallyBeLearningMoreAboutBabySignLanguageNow

I did look for a local class but one was too far away really and there was a waiting list, so I’ll just look for more online videos.

Here are a few.

#WhenWeDoOnlineBabyClassesIReallyLikeLearningTheSignsForSongs

I feel like I am learning something and using my brain, which feels quite nice. It’s a good memory test.

#IAmAlsoFindingItEasierToTalkToHerNow #IUsuallyJustKeepSayingCanYouSayThisOrThisAndSheDoesNotButSheWillOneDay #OrIAmLikeLookAtThisToyCarrotItIsOrangeAndGreenAndItIsAVegetable

I’ve said a lot in the past that I do not know what to say to B all day. I guess I have been overthinking it a lot. I can just keep it simple. ‘Say hi’ say hello etc.’ and then just talking about the colours of things and pointing things out to her etc.

#TheMurderOfSarahEverardHasGotMeThinkingALotAboutAwkwardAndHorribleExperiencesInMyPast

This feels quite randomly slot into the bottom. I originally wanted to say more about it, but yesterday I ended up writing a blog post about it all instead. I feel a bit awkward about it, but I ended up spending a lot of my free time in the morning on it so I thought I should share it.

#IHopeThatThingsWillBeDifferentForBAsSheGrowsUpButWeWillHaveToWaitAndSee

Fingers crossed. I want her to grow up feeling more confident than I ever did, and her to feel able to call out/tell someone/report when something is not right, or something bad has happened.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating How B Clapped Her Hands Until Two Days Ago (10th March 2021)

Imitating How B Clapped Until Two Days Ago (10th March 2021)
 
#UntilTwoDaysAgoBWasClappingLikeSheWasLookingForAFight
#SheLikesToClapAboutEverythingAtTheMoment
#EvenThoughHerSkinGotWorseAgainAndSheHasAColdAndSheIsTeething
#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAsWeOpenedANewTubeOfHydrocortisoneCreamAndItSaidToOnlyUseItForAWeek
#WeHaveBeenUsingItForTwoWeeksAndAsADoctorSaidToUseItTwoTimesADayUntilItWasMuchBetterWeWereOnlyApplyingItOnceADay
#ThisDoctorSaidItIsFineToKeepUsingItTwiceADayAndBsSkinHasGotMuchBetterAlready
#WeJustNeedToKeepApplyingHerOtherCreamEveryHourOrSoAndItDefinitelyMakesADifferenceToo
#SheHasARunnyNoseWhichSheDoesNotLikeHavingWipedSoThatMakesForALotOfFun
#AtTheWeekendSheWasCrawlingALittleBitButThenSheWasSuddenlyOffAroundTheRoom
#YesterdaySheCrawledIntoTheKitchenAndPushedHerselfUpToStandingOnTheStepladderThatISitOnToFeedHer
#ItIsAmazingHowMuchSheChangesWeekToWeek
#AtTheMomentWeAreTryingToHaveTheTelevisionOnLessAndSpendMoreTimeInHerRoom
#ItIsMyNansHouseSoIfSheWantsTheTelevisionOnThenSheShouldHaveItOnButIFeelGuiltyForWatchingIt
#BHasMuchBetterPlaytimeWhenItIsNotOnAndWeReadMoreBooksAndSheCrawlsMore
#MoreCrawlingEqualsBetterSleepWhichIsGoodForUsAll
#IAmStillStressedOutWithMealsButNowIJustSeeWhatSheEatsInHalfAnHourAndLeaveItAtThat
#SheDoesNotSeemToLikeMeFeedingHerAtLunchAndDinnerButIfSheHasSomeKindOfFingerFoodThenSheDoesNotMind
#ItIs5WeeksUntilWeCanAttendAnInPersonBabyClassAgain
#FriendsElsewhereInTheCountryAreAlreadyAttendingBabyGroupsAndOutdoorClassesAndIAmJealous
#EvenThoughISaidBeforeThatTheBabyWalksNearUsAreNotFairOnBAsSheIsABitBoredIHaveTriedToBookSinceButTheyAreAlwaysSoldOut
#ItIsAnnoyingAsIKnowThatPeopleDoNotShowUpAndSoThereAreAlwaysFreeSpotsButOhWell
#ItIsAwkwardWalkingAroundInAGroupLikeThatAndBGetsNothingFromIt
#WhenWeDoOnlineClassesNowBKeepsCrawlingOverToMyLaptopAndSmashesAllTheKeys
#SometimesSheEndsUpTurningMyCameraOffOrUnmutingUsSoItIsAwkwardButFunny
#ThereIsAnOnlineCoffeeMorningTodayWithAMumAppThatIUse
#IWasGoingToAttendButNowIDoNotSeeThePointAsItIsHighlyUnlikelyThatAnyOfTheMumsWillLiveNearUs
#WeJustNeedToWaitThingsOutAndHopeThatThingsDoNotRevert
#IGuessItIsForTheBestThatWeCanNotGoToAnythingAsHopefullyByTheTimeWeCanMyNanWillHaveHadHerSecondVaccine
#IKnowItWillNotCompletelyProtectHerButItWillMakeThingsALittleLessStressful
#SheIsAlsoGettingFedUpOfBeingAtHomeAllTheTimeSoWeWillAllBeHappierWhenWeCanGoOutMore

#UntilTwoDaysAgoBWasClappingLikeSheWasLookingForAFight #SheLikesToClapAboutEverythingAtTheMoment

Last week she clapped when I put her down for a nap. That made me laugh.

#EvenThoughHerSkinGotWorseAgainAndSheHasAColdAndSheIsTeething

Her skin is so stressful. She still has no teeth. It’s great dealing with a baby with a runny nose.

#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAsWeOpenedANewTubeOfHydrocortisoneCreamAndItSaidToOnlyUseItForAWeek #WeHaveBeenUsingItForTwoWeeksAndAsADoctorSaidToUseItTwoTimesADayUntilItWasMuchBetterWeWereOnlyApplyingItOnceADay

Well it was much better and then it suddenly got worse. I wanted some reassurance that it was okay to still use it and to maybe use it twice a day again.

#ThisDoctorSaidItIsFineToKeepUsingItTwiceADayAndBsSkinHasGotMuchBetterAlready

Hurrah. He said some people are on it long term… It’s only a mild one but we still need to be careful.

#WeJustNeedToKeepApplyingHerOtherCreamEveryHourOrSoAndItDefinitelyMakesADifferenceToo

We have ‘Dermol 500’ which the other doctors prescribed. We were using that and that hydromol, but yesterday we just kept applying Dermol and it seemed to make things better.

Her skin is the worst under her vest, and she has a sleepsuit on top of it most of the time. Last night we thought we would try her without the vest but she was crying her eyes out at 11.30 and we put it back on. Her skin seems better. We had also put her in a new brand of nappies, so we’ve gone back to her old ones. The problem with changing a few things is that you’re not sure what is really helping, but I think it is a mix of things really.

#SheHasARunnyNoseWhichSheDoesNotLikeHavingWipedSoThatMakesForALotOfFun

Like I said before – ‘It’s great dealing with a baby with a runny nose.’

#AtTheWeekendSheWasCrawlingALittleBitButThenSheWasSuddenlyOffAroundTheRoom

My Mum came on Saturday morning and B was moving around a bit, then by the afternoon she was crawling fast towards a toy that she wanted.

My Nan has a trolley that she likes to crawl to and play with the wheels, so we’re keeping that away from her now.

#YesterdaySheCrawledIntoTheKitchenAndPushedHerselfUpToStandingOnTheStepladderThatISitOnToFeedHer

It’s now time for constant vigilance. Yay.

#ItIsAmazingHowMuchSheChangesWeekToWeek

We talk to a woman who walks a dog when we see her, which is usually about once a week. She commented yesterday about how much B has changed since she last saw her – which was probably 5 days ago.

#AtTheMomentWeAreTryingToHaveTheTelevisionOnLessAndSpendMoreTimeInHerRoom #ItIsMyNansHouseSoIfSheWantsTheTelevisionOnThenSheShouldHaveItOnButIFeelGuiltyForWatchingIt #BHasMuchBetterPlaytimeWhenItIsNotOnAndWeReadMoreBooksAndSheCrawlsMore

My Nan will say ‘put B’s shows on’. I say ‘B has watched enough TV today’ and my Nan will disagree. I know my Nan means well, but surely me playing with B is much better for her than TV? We didn’t have a TV in Liverpool and we do not plan to have one when we eventually move out. We watch stuff on our computers from time to time, but I don’t like how we can just get stuck in front of the TV. Hopefully the weather will be good soon and we can go out more, and go to classes and do anything else that isn’t sitting in front of the box.

#MoreCrawlingEqualsBetterSleepWhichIsGoodForUsAll

Exactly.

#IAmStillStressedOutWithMealsButNowIJustSeeWhatSheEatsInHalfAnHourAndLeaveItAtThat

Well, sometimes it creeps to 35 to 40 minutes but it is early days.

#SheDoesNotSeemToLikeMeFeedingHerAtLunchAndDinnerButIfSheHasSomeKindOfFingerFoodThenSheDoesNotMind

She loves breakfast and it seems okay for me to feed her, but lunch and dinner are a bit more tricky. I’ve made her broccoli scones and raspberry oat bites that she seems more into, but I need to work on giving her more finger foods as we didn’t do the baby led weaning approach.

I planned to but I found it too stressful.

#ItIs5WeeksUntilWeCanAttendAnInPersonBabyClassAgain

Fingers crossed.

#FriendsElsewhereInTheCountryAreAlreadyAttendingBabyGroupsAndOutdoorClassesAndIAmJealous

If we were still in Liverpool then we would also be quite cut off from things, as we lived on the wrong side of the city for baby classes.

#EvenThoughISaidBeforeThatTheBabyWalksNearUsAreNotFairOnBAsSheIsABitBoredIHaveTriedToBookSinceButTheyAreAlwaysSoldOut

Sometimes I just feel like we need to get out of the house and see people. I feel like B can deal with an hour of it.

#ItIsAnnoyingAsIKnowThatPeopleDoNotShowUpAndSoThereAreAlwaysFreeSpotsButOhWell

We’re on a WhatsApp group and there are usually a lot of ‘sorry I can’t make it messages’. I get it as babies are unpredictable, but we need to book onto it etc.

#ItIsAwkwardWalkingAroundInAGroupLikeThatAndBGetsNothingFromIt

It did make me feel quite anxious last time and I could not really enjoy myself, plus B’s boredom just stressed me out.

#WhenWeDoOnlineClassesNowBKeepsCrawlingOverToMyLaptopAndSmashesAllTheKeys #SometimesSheEndsUpTurningMyCameraOffOrUnmutingUsSoItIsAwkwardButFunny

She was doing it a bit before, but now she is super fast.

#ThereIsAnOnlineCoffeeMorningTodayWithAMumAppThatIUse #IWasGoingToAttendButNowIDoNotSeeThePointAsItIsHighlyUnlikelyThatAnyOfTheMumsWillLiveNearUs

It starts in 15 minutes. B is due to get up in 30 minutes.

I need to do the shoot for this so I’d rather get it done now and then relax during B’s nap later. Or I can just try to quickly do the shoot and attend, and leave early if I do not like it. Hmm. I think I’ll just do the shoot now as we have an online baby class in an hour or so.

#WeJustNeedToWaitThingsOutAndHopeThatThingsDoNotRevert

Let’s hope not.

#IGuessItIsForTheBestThatWeCanNotGoToAnythingAsHopefullyByTheTimeWeCanMyNanWillHaveHadHerSecondVaccine #IKnowItWillNotCompletelyProtectHerButItWillMakeThingsALittleLessStressful

I know that some people are still dying from Covid after having the vaccine, but at least we know she will have some protection and then we need to encourage her to still keep her distance from people etc.

#SheIsAlsoGettingFedUpOfBeingAtHomeAllTheTimeSoWeWillAllBeHappierWhenWeCanGoOutMore

I feel bad for her. I complain about things, but this whole situation is also rubbish for everyone else in different ways. She misses going out to the shops, which was her main source of joy before. Hopefully things will be better for us all soon.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating How B Puts Her Arms Up When I Pick Her Up (2nd March 2021)

Me with my arms in the air.
Imitating How B Puts Her Arms Up When I Pick Her Up (2nd March 2021)
 
#IHaveCalledTheShootFolderPutYourArmsInTheAirLikeYouAreBAndYouDoNotCare
#BeforeWhenIPickedHerUpSheWouldJustNotMoveHerArmsAndSoItWasEasyToLiftAndCarryHer
#NowAfterYouPickHerUpSheWillJustThrowHerArmsUpStraightIntoTheAirAndAsSheIsGettingHeavierItCanBeQuiteAStruggle
#HerSkinIsABitBetterButIThinkItWillTakeSomeTimeToGoAwayCompletely
#IAmABitBoredOfApplyingCreamsAndThingsButObviouslyItIsForTheBest
#AfterMyLastShootIWentToAnOnlineZoomMeetingForLocalMumsWhileBWasAsleep
#ItWasJustSoSuperAwkwardAsIDidNotRealiseIWasOnMuteAtFirstAndThenIDidNotGetToTalkOrSoItFelt
#ItMadeMeRememberWhyIHadNotBeenToOneForTwoMonthsOrSoAndIHadACryAfterwards
#AfterBWasUpIBlewMyNoseAndThenSheWasCryingAsItHadScaredHer
#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainAndPostingABlogEntryTheOtherDayMadeMeRealiseThatMyLastBadPatchWasNotThatLongAgo
#INeedToStartLookingAfterMyselfBetterSoThatICanBeABetterMumForB
#IWantToGetMentallyStrongAsWellAsPhysicallyStrong
#InTheLastWeekIHaveStartedToTryToDoPushups
#IThoughtMyArmsShouldBeGettingStrongerWithAllThisBabyCarryingButIRealisedHowWeakTheyAreStill
#DoYouEverGetThatFeelingOfThereIsSoMuchThatYouWantToDoButYouDoNotKnowWhereToStartSoInsteadOfDoingSomethingYouDoNothing
#IFeltABitLikeThatTheOtherDayAndISpentALotOfMyFreeTimeAtTheWeekendJustWatchingTaskmaster
#IThinkIAmJustABitScaredOfFailureSlashWastingMyTimeSoIWouldRatherRelax
#WeHadOurSecondDateNightTheOtherNightWhichWasUsJustWatchingTheFilmStanAndOllie
#SoOurDateNightIsBasicallyUsJustWatchingTVTogether
#OnceBGoesToSleepIAmUsuallyOffDoingWorkOrProcrastinatingOrTryingToRead
#IAmABitFrustratedByAllThePeopleActingLikeLockdownIsOver
#SuddenlyThereAreLargeGroupsSatInTheParkHavingPicnicsAndDrinking
#IGetItIKnowThatPeopleAreFedUpAndWhatever
#IAmJustBitterAsIWouldNotEnjoyMyselfIfIDidTheSame
#AndIAmWorriedThatByTheTimeBabyClassesAreDueToReopenTheyWillNotBeAllowedToAsInfectionRatesMightGetWorseAgain
#BSeemsToBeTeethingALotAgain
#SheHasBeenTeasingUsWithThisOnOffTeethingBusinessForAWhileButMaybeAToothWillSoonAppear
#EveryDayILoveHerABitMore
#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAndJustBeMorePresentWhenIAmWithHer
#IAlsoNeedToTalkToHerMoreButIFindItDifficultAsTheDaysAreSoLongAndRepetitiveAndIGetTired

#IHaveCalledTheShootFolderPutYourArmsInTheAirLikeYouAreBAndYouDoNotCare

I am so funny.

#BeforeWhenIPickedHerUpSheWouldJustNotMoveHerArmsAndSoItWasEasyToLiftAndCarryHer

Hands under the arms. Great.

#NowAfterYouPickHerUpSheWillJustThrowHerArmsUpStraightIntoTheAirAndAsSheIsGettingHeavierItCanBeQuiteAStruggle

Sometimes I worry that she will just slip out of my hands.

#HerSkinIsABitBetterButIThinkItWillTakeSomeTimeToGoAwayCompletely #IAmABitBoredOfApplyingCreamsAndThingsButObviouslyItIsForTheBest

Her chest seems a little worse in places. I am thinking it is heat rash as she does sleep on her tummy a lot. I’ve been experimenting with making her room cooler at bedtime this last week. It seems to have been going okay.

#AfterMyLastShootIWentToAnOnlineZoomMeetingForLocalMumsWhileBWasAsleep

I usually do work/have me time when B is asleep and these zoom chats are always when B is napping. However I felt in the mood to talk to people

#ItWasJustSoSuperAwkwardAsIDidNotRealiseIWasOnMuteAtFirstAndThenIDidNotGetToTalkOrSoItFelt

I am cringeing now. I thought they were ignoring me, but then I realised that I had muted my computer via the button on my keyboard. Later on I tried to talk but someone else also spoke at the same time, so I just let them carry on. Then I asked a question to one of the women, but at that moment she went on mute and it was just super awkward.

#ItMadeMeRememberWhyIHadNotBeenToOneForTwoMonthsOrSoAndIHadACryAfterwards

I was crying quite a lot. I think it was partly because of the call, but also just crying to get other things off of my chest.

#AfterBWasUpIBlewMyNoseAndThenSheWasCryingAsItHadScaredHer

I was still crying, so I had to blow my nose. Then she started to cry, which made me cry more as I felt terrible. I do not like crying in front of her. It was a bad day.

#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainAndPostingABlogEntryTheOtherDayMadeMeRealiseThatMyLastBadPatchWasNotThatLongAgo

This entry.

I said:

#OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow

I think they’re more frequent occurrences than ‘once in a while’ to be fair.’

Reading that while feeling in a similar patch made me realise that it is more common. I had thought about quitting my fortnightly mental health call, but I think I need it for now.

#INeedToStartLookingAfterMyselfBetterSoThatICanBeABetterMumForB

I wrote about this a lot the other night in my diary.

#IWantToGetMentallyStrongAsWellAsPhysicallyStrong

I’m bored of sounding like such a negative whiney person. I think I write this at least once a month.

A big part of it is also feeling like I’m only as good as my last shoot and I haven’t liked my last couple of shoots. I hope today’s shoot goes better.

#InTheLastWeekIHaveStartedToTryToDoPushups #IThoughtMyArmsShouldBeGettingStrongerWithAllThisBabyCarryingButIRealisedHowWeakTheyAreStill

I’ve done 30 days of yoga a few times now and I still can not do chaturanga to upward facing dog without touching the floor between them. So with more pushups I hope to be able to achieve this (I can do it sometimes, but I want to be able to do it all the time).

#DoYouEverGetThatFeelingOfThereIsSoMuchThatYouWantToDoButYouDoNotKnowWhereToStartSoInsteadOfDoingSomethingYouDoNothing #IFeltABitLikeThatTheOtherDayAndISpentALotOfMyFreeTimeAtTheWeekendJustWatchingTaskmaster #IThinkIAmJustABitScaredOfFailureSlashWastingMyTimeSoIWouldRatherRelax

I was tired. I need to not be so hard on myself and let myself relax a bit. Previously I would have just jumped into doing something. Now I am trying to think about it more first before I do it, though I think I am at the point where I just need to try something.

It’s difficult not having a good space to work in, like when I was using what is now B’s room. Our bedroom is okay, but it’s not the most ideal. I miss a blank wall. I’m going to order a backdrop or paper or something.

#WeHadOurSecondDateNightTheOtherNightWhichWasUsJustWatchingTheFilmStanAndOllie

We had planned to watch this last week, but instead we watched 3 episodes of tv.

Amy Poehler told a joke at the Golden Globes the other night that summed it up nicely:  ‘Now, TV is the one that I watch five hours straight, but a movie is the one that I don’t turn on because it’s two hours. I don’t want to be in front of my TV for two hours, I want to be in front of the TV for one hour five times.’

#SoOurDateNightIsBasicallyUsJustWatchingTVTogether

So most couple’s normal nights? We don’t watch TV together in the evenings after B is asleep usually.

#OnceBGoesToSleepIAmUsuallyOffDoingWorkOrProcrastinatingOrTryingToRead

I rarely sit in the living room while B is asleep. I’m usually sat in our room. I’ve started 3 books lately, but I need to actually finish one.

Library e-books are a better way for me to read as I usually have 14 days to read them before it’s time to return it for someone else in the queue. If I own it then I do not do such a good job of finishing it.

A book that I am aiming to finish is The Five by Hallie Rubenhold.

Last night I should have just got into bed early and read it, but when I’m tired I procrastinate more than usual and I wasted a lot of time doing nothing.

#IAmABitFrustratedByAllThePeopleActingLikeLockdownIsOver #SuddenlyThereAreLargeGroupsSatInTheParkHavingPicnicsAndDrinking

Hi, it’s me Jocelyn the pandemic police lady again.

#IGetItIKnowThatPeopleAreFedUpAndWhatever

I am also a member of the not very exclusive ‘I’m fed up’ club.

#IAmJustBitterAsIWouldNotEnjoyMyselfIfIDidTheSame

I would feel guilty for openly flouting the rules and I also can not be carefree in the park anymore as I have a baby.

#AndIAmWorriedThatByTheTimeBabyClassesAreDueToReopenTheyWillNotBeAllowedToAsInfectionRatesMightGetWorseAgain

If you all want to get Covid then fine, but just let me leave the house for a baby class or playgroup. Pleaseeee.

#BSeemsToBeTeethingALotAgain #SheHasBeenTeasingUsWithThisOnOffTeethingBusinessForAWhileButMaybeAToothWillSoonAppear

She has been teasing us since before we moved to Birmingham and we have lived here for 4 months now.

#EveryDayILoveHerABitMore

Cheesy but true. I look at her many times during the day and think ‘whoa I grew this little human inside me’.

#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAndJustBeMorePresentWhenIAmWithHer #IAlsoNeedToTalkToHerMoreButIFindItDifficultAsTheDaysAreSoLongAndRepetitiveAndIGetTired

Maybe these hashtags should be swapped around? Oh well.

I do need to talk to her more. I think I spend a lot of the day in silence/watching more kids TV than she does. I just can not talk all day, especially when the person I am talking to can not really talk back. She has more talkative phases though and I just need to do that thing where you copy then say some words afterwards.

I need to get over things. I wanted a baby. I am so happy that we have B. We are lucky as we have my Nan, and we see my Mum a few times a week. It is just so tiring, but I do still want another one at some point. I’d rather just get on with things as there will never be a good time to have another child now.

(26th March: B throwing her arms up in the air after I picked her up seemed to be a 2 day phase. She hasn’t done it since then.)


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B Looking At Her Hand (25th February 2021)

Imitating B Looking At Her Hand (25th February 2021)
 
#BStartedToStareAtHerHandsAboutAWeekAgo
#SheHasChangedALotInTheLastFewWeeksAndIGuessSheIsJustALotMoreCuriousAboutThings
#OfCourseSheAlwaysWantsToPlayWithThingsThatAreNotToysOrSheManagesToFindTheToysThatIHaveHiddenAway
#LikeTheTrainWithBlocksThatIDoNotLikeHerToPlayWithIfIAmKeepingAnEyeOnHerFromTheKitchenWhileISortOutHerFood
#ItHasSomeTallColumnsOnItThatIKnowIfSheWouldFellOntoItSheWouldNotBePleased
#HerSkinIsSlowlyGettingBetter
#ItStillDoesNotLookNiceButItHasDefinitelyImprovedALittleBit
#IndoorSwimmingPoolsAreAllowedToReopenFrom12thAprilSoHopefullyByThenItWillHaveCompletelyHealed
#WeWillNeedToBuyHerNewSwimmingStuffAsSheHasProbablyAlreadyOutgrownTheStuffThatSheWentSwimmingInOnce
#AlsoAroundTheTimeIndoorBabyClassesAreDueToResume
#OnThe29thMarchWeWillBeAbleToMeetUpWithMorePeopleOutsideOrInPrivateGardens
#SoItIs4AndAHalfWeeksUntilThenAndNearly7UntilIndoorBabyClassesAndSwimming
#InSomeWaysItFeelsAlmostHarderHavingThingsToCountdownToButIGuessItWillBeBetterWhenThereAreLessWeeksToGo
#HopefullyThingsDoNotGetWorseAgain
#TheOtherNightBWasAwakeFrom11To1AndWeJustCouldNotFigureOutWhatWasWrong
#ThereIsMeantToBeAn8MonthSleepRegressionAndIThinkSheDoesGetAnnoyedIfSheDoesNotHaveEnoughCrawlingTime
#YesterdayIShuffledThingsAboutAndItTookBHalfAnHourToFallAsleepForHerNapBecauseSheProbablyDidNotCrawlEnough
#SheHasSleptBetterTheLastTwoNightsThough
#IAmWorriedThatTheHouseIsTooHotForHerAndItHasBeenFairlyMildAtNight
#LastNightIWokeUpAtFourThirtyAsIWasTooHotAndIThoughtITurnedOffHerHeater
#IWentInAtSevenAndItWasStillOnButSheDidNotSeemToMind
#IThinkSheLikesTheHeatButIDoNotWantHerSkinToGetWorse
#TheOtherDayWeWentToThePlaygroundButBCouldNotGoOnTheBabySwingsAs3AdultsWereJustBlockingThem
#OneBabyWasJustAsleepInASwingAndAnotherKidWasSometimesInTheSwingAndSometimesNot
#ItWouldHaveBeenReallyAwkwardForUsToUseTheOtherSwingAndThereWasNoOneElseThereSoItMustHaveBeenObviousThatWeWereWaiting
#ItJustUpsetsMeAsILikeToThinkIAmConsiderateOfOthersInThePlaygroundButALotOfPeopleDoNotSeemToCare
#HoweverWeWentYesterdayAndWhenWeWereLeavingTwoPeopleRushedToOpenTheGateForUsSoThatMadeMeFeelBetterAboutIt
#IHaveFinallyBookedToGoToTheDentist
#ICanNotRememberTheLastTimeIWentAndMyMaternityExemptionButRunOutSoon
#MyTeethAreSoHorribleSoINeedToMakeThemLookABitBetterBeforeMyAppointment

#BStartedToStareAtHerHandsAboutAWeekAgo

It’s really cute.

I’ll do the shoot in a bit and it’ll probably look similar to pictures I took in 2012 of me just looking at my hands when I got a repetitive strain injury.

(22nd June 2021:

Sore Knuckles (16th June 2012)

Darn my 2012 one is better, though I’m not so sure on the dress which I think I only ever wore out for Halloween (I used to have a few black dresses that I was a witch in).

This time I got a bit caught up with trying to make my hand look look a bit odd – like it’s a random hand – but don’t think it worked.)

#SheHasChangedALotInTheLastFewWeeksAndIGuessSheIsJustALotMoreCuriousAboutThings

It’s funny how babies can suddenly start doing lots more things.

#OfCourseSheAlwaysWantsToPlayWithThingsThatAreNotToysOrSheManagesToFindTheToysThatIHaveHiddenAway

The main examples that I can think of right now being the labels on all of her toys/clothes, playing with tea towels, just being obsessed with her flannel in her bath last night instead of her bath toys…

#LikeTheTrainWithBlocksThatIDoNotLikeHerToPlayWithIfIAmKeepingAnEyeOnHerFromTheKitchenWhileISortOutHerFood #ItHasSomeTallColumnsOnItThatIKnowIfSheWouldFellOntoItSheWouldNotBePleased

I can just one of those going straight into her eye. No thanks.

I hide it behind her toy bag and she is always back there. Her play area is a sea of cushions to try to stop her from hurting herself…

#HerSkinIsSlowlyGettingBetter

Some bits are lots better.

#ItStillDoesNotLookNiceButItHasDefinitelyImprovedALittleBit

Her shoulders are still not great, but I think it’s because a lot of the old skin is coming off.

In the morning we put her steroid cream on, then 20 minutes later we put on a different cream, then 30ish mins later we put another cream on. Then I’m putting a cream on every hour or so during the day.

#IndoorSwimmingPoolsAreAllowedToReopenFrom12thAprilSoHopefullyByThenItWillHaveCompletelyHealed

I was kind of hoping it wouldn’t be sooner as I think her skin needs to be lots better before she goes in a pool again. Mid-April is a good time to aim for.

T’s workmate said her son’s eczema took 6 weeks to clear up, so that works.

#WeWillNeedToBuyHerNewSwimmingStuffAsSheHasProbablyAlreadyOutgrownTheStuffThatSheWentSwimmingInOnce

Great.

#AlsoAroundTheTimeIndoorBabyClassesAreDueToResume

Hurrahhhh. Outdoor classes are allowed to resume before then, though I thought that they counted as support groups and were allowed to go on anyways? Well, I guess there aren’t many outdoor baby groups at this time of year. Might have a look though…

#OnThe29thMarchWeWillBeAbleToMeetUpWithMorePeopleOutsideOrInPrivateGardens

My younger sister lives not too far away so it’ll be nice for her to be able to come round again or to go to hers.

We see her for walks, but she doesn’t really get to see the real B. She sees a baby who is annoyed at being in a pushchair, so it will be nice for her to see B being more herself. We might get some fake grass for B to crawl around on in the garden.

#SoItIs4AndAHalfWeeksUntilThenAndNearly7UntilIndoorBabyClassesAndSwimming

I hope that people keep following the rules and infection rates don’t go up again…

#InSomeWaysItFeelsAlmostHarderHavingThingsToCountdownToButIGuessItWillBeBetterWhenThereAreLessWeeksToGo

Well, the whole ‘one day at a time’ approach gets weary with nothing to look forward to. Things are still far off but time does go by quickly.

#HopefullyThingsDoNotGetWorseAgain

Fingers crossed.

#TheOtherNightBWasAwakeFrom11To1AndWeJustCouldNotFigureOutWhatWasWrong

We didn’t help things by going in and changing her nappy when it didn’t need to be, then putting cream on, then giving her paracetamol. At one point I had to cuddle B as I felt so bad for her. Yeah, she was probably confused by us sometimes picking her up and sometimes not.

Her skin was still bad then though and she was teething.

Annoyingly there was a talk I wanted to go to last night at midnight. If B hadn’t been sleeping last night it would have been alright, but she slept last night and so I did too-ish.

#ThereIsMeantToBeAn8MonthSleepRegressionAndIThinkSheDoesGetAnnoyedIfSheDoesNotHaveEnoughCrawlingTime #YesterdayIShuffledThingsAboutAndItTookBHalfAnHourToFallAsleepForHerNapBecauseSheProbablyDidNotCrawlEnough

Sometimes I move our walk if we have a call with someone when we usually walk. This is usually always a mistake as then B does not get to crawl much and then takes ages to fall asleep, but I need my walk. I need to just let her have an extra 5/10 mins to crawl once we get home.

#SheHasSleptBetterTheLastTwoNightsThough

Hurrah.

#IAmWorriedThatTheHouseIsTooHotForHerAndItHasBeenFairlyMildAtNight #LastNightIWokeUpAtFourThirtyAsIWasTooHotAndIThoughtITurnedOffHerHeater

I had changed her heater to come on a lot less often and for less time, but obviously I messed it up. I also realised that the night before her heater had been on for an hour and a half at point one instead of half an hour…

#IWentInAtSevenAndItWasStillOnButSheDidNotSeemToMind

Note to self, just turn the on commands off, but keep the off commands on so that it covers mishaps.

#IThinkSheLikesTheHeatButIDoNotWantHerSkinToGetWorse

It’s hard trying to figure out what is best for her.

#TheOtherDayWeWentToThePlaygroundButBCouldNotGoOnTheBabySwingsAs3AdultsWereJustBlockingThem #OneBabyWasJustAsleepInASwingAndAnotherKidWasSometimesInTheSwingAndSometimesNot #ItWouldHaveBeenReallyAwkwardForUsToUseTheOtherSwingAndThereWasNoOneElseThereSoItMustHaveBeenObviousThatWeWereWaiting

Has my blog/project become a place for me to b*tch about other parents and B not getting to go on swings? Yes.

I thought about saying something but they had really blocked the swings and I do worry that they might just tell me to p*ss off.

You’re not supposed to hang out with more than one other adult outside (I think?) so I think they were just using it as a way to chat. I always sound like the pandemic police, but I just want B to go on the swing. I don’t want to awkwardly stand around for 15 minutes for no reason.

Yesterday the swings were in use but we went in and within 2 minutes a swing was free. Great.

#ItJustUpsetsMeAsILikeToThinkIAmConsiderateOfOthersInThePlaygroundButALotOfPeopleDoNotSeemToCare

Going to the swings is our daily bit of freedom. B probably doesn’t even care, but obviously I am very passionate about making sure she gets a fair turn on the swings.

#HoweverWeWentYesterdayAndWhenWeWereLeavingTwoPeopleRushedToOpenTheGateForUsSoThatMadeMeFeelBetterAboutIt

Hurrah for better weather and good people.

#IHaveFinallyBookedToGoToTheDentist #ICanNotRememberTheLastTimeIWentAndMyMaternityExemptionButRunOutSoon #MyTeethAreSoHorribleSoINeedToMakeThemLookABitBetterBeforeMyAppointment

I loved our dentist in London. If I had any problems they could usually fit me in that day or the next week. In Liverpool the dentist was terrible and you had to wait weeks to be seen, then obviously the pandemic started. I feel like my teeth need to be looked at and I might as well go while it costs me nothing.


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Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Pan/Drum During Online Baby Classes (10th February 2021)

Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Pan/Drum During Online Baby Classes (10th February 2021)
 
#AYearAgoTiagoAndIWereInOsloForAFewDaysAfterMyVeryFirstSoloShowHadOpened
#ItFeltLikeACelebrationOfMyPreBabyLifeInAWay
#IWas20ishWeeksPregnantAndFeelingALittleWorriedAboutCovid
#INeverWouldHaveThoughtThatItWouldBeTheYearThatItHas
#IMentionMyShowNotToBoastButAsAHappyReminderToMyself
#OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow
#TheOtherDayIWasFeelingBurnedOutInGeneral
#AndNowIJustFeelABitMopeyAndWhyDoIBotherDoingAllMyWork
#IKnowWhyAndItIsBecauseItIsTherapeuticForMe
#IAmGladWeMovedAsWeHaveTheExtraSupportAndIThinkIWouldBeSuperMiserableInLiverpoolRightNow
#ILovedTheCityButWeJustFeltVeryStuckThereAndIFeltBadNotBeingAbleToSeeMyNan
#DuringTheWeekITendToDoTwoBabyClassesWithBInTheDay
#OneInTheMorningFromYoutubeAndOneLiveOnZoomSoSheCanSeeOtherBabies
#NextWeekItIsHalfTermAndTheLiveClassesAreNotOnSoINeedToStepMyMotheringGameUpABit
#IKnowWeAreLuckyAndThatThingsCouldBeALotWorse
#ButThisAllDoesSuckQuiteABit
#NowIWonderIfWeWillEvenBeAbleToSeeTiagosFamilyThisYear
#IImaginedBsEarlyLifeToBeVeryDifferentThoughLuckilySheDoesNotKnowThatSheIsMissingOutOnThings
#IThinkIFailToMentionHowSupportiveTiagoIsAsWell
#HeDoesALotForUsAndHeLooksAfterMyNanReallyWell
#YesterdayBStartedToClapALittleBitWhichWasQuiteCute
#IGotHerSomeFarmAnimalPuppetsAfterSeeingHerReactionToThemInHerBabyClasses
#IThinkSheIsHappyButIJustWantHerToBeAbleToHangOutWithMorePeopleAndBabiesInRealLife
#HopefullyWhenTheWeatherImprovesRulesWillHaveRelaxedABitAndWeCanJustSitOutsideWithMorePeople
#HerSkinSeemsALittleBetterAtLeastButIThinkItWillTakeAWhileToReturnToNormal
#TalkingAboutMyWorkAgainThoughLastNightIHadADreamThatIWonACompetitionInTimorLeste
#IWasCryingOnThePhoneBecauseIFeltLikeINeededTheConfidenceBoostAndDidNotEvenCareAboutHowMuchTheCallWasCostingMe
#TheWorkThatIWonWithWasReallyBizarreThoughLikePhotoshoppedSeascapesWithSeaCreaturesAndThings
#SoIWasBitGuttedThatItWasNotForMyMotherhoodProjectOrSomethingMoreMeaningfulToMe
#IGuessIAmFeelingABitLostAtTheMomentButItWillSoonPass

#AYearAgoTiagoAndIWereInOsloForAFewDaysAfterMyVeryFirstSoloShowHadOpened

Thanks Vasli Souza for the lovely show of my work. Installation shots and info here.

#ItFeltLikeACelebrationOfMyPreBabyLifeInAWay

I was hoping that I’d still be able to keep making work (I knew I’d find a way) and it was showing pictures from my pre-baby projects.

#IWas20ishWeeksPregnantAndFeelingALittleWorriedAboutCovid

I posted a picture on my insta story of a guy next to me on the plane invading my personal space. I was freaked out. I was trying to keep my distance and washing and sanitising my hands whenever I could. I bought some hand sanitiser at the airport.

#INeverWouldHaveThoughtThatItWouldBeTheYearThatItHas

Did any of us?

#IMentionMyShowNotToBoastButAsAHappyReminderToMyself #OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow

I think they’re more frequent occurrences than ‘once in a while’ to be fair.

(1st March – I’m currently in another patch. They are obviously more often than I thought, as I did not realise that the last patch was a few weeks ago…)

#TheOtherDayIWasFeelingBurnedOutInGeneral

Tired. I spent B’s naps in bed etc.

#AndNowIJustFeelABitMopeyAndWhyDoIBotherDoingAllMyWork #IKnowWhyAndItIsBecauseItIsTherapeuticForMe

Sometimes I do feel like I could just be relaxing instead of tiring myself out by doing my own stuff, but I do need to do it for my own sanity. Writing these hashtags took a while too as I felt a bit awkward and meh. I have no idea what I am going to do for the shoot. I think I might try and do something a bit more creative for my own sake…

#IAmGladWeMovedAsWeHaveTheExtraSupportAndIThinkIWouldBeSuperMiserableInLiverpoolRightNow #ILovedTheCityButWeJustFeltVeryStuckThereAndIFeltBadNotBeingAbleToSeeMyNan

I was calling my Nan on the phone every day and she sounded miserable, and I felt bad not being able to do anything to make her feel better.

#DuringTheWeekITendToDoTwoBabyClassesWithBInTheDay

I may have mentioned this recently, but what else do we do besides try to go out for a walk once a day? Yeah not much.

#OneInTheMorningFromYoutubeAndOneLiveOnZoomSoSheCanSeeOtherBabies

I have started to arrive early to them now as it’s usually the same class every day. Yesterday we were two minutes late and there was only one other Mum and baby there, so they were probably relieved that we turned up. Or maybe they were disappointed as they wanted the class to themselves?

#NextWeekItIsHalfTermAndTheLiveClassesAreNotOnSoINeedToStepMyMotheringGameUpABit

I like the live classes as it gives us something to aim for each day. I also like that I know she has had some ‘proper stimulation’, but I know most of the exercises/things we do off my heart now anyways.

#IKnowWeAreLuckyAndThatThingsCouldBeALotWorse

I feel bad whining as I know that a lot of people have lost and suffered a lot. I’m just pissed because my baby can’t meet a lot of my friends and I’m bored of WhatsApp groups. The group baby walk we were meant to go on got cancelled due to the smallest amount of snow…

#ButThisAllDoesSuckQuiteABit

Erghhhhhh.

#NowIWonderIfWeWillEvenBeAbleToSeeTiagosFamilyThisYear

There was talk on the TV yesterday about summer holidays. For now the rules are strict which is good BUT WHY WASN’T IT THIS STRICT 11 MONTHS AGO.

It must be hard for Tiago to not see his family/visit his home country/not be able to introduce his baby to everyone. He hasn’t even seen his London friends in over a year…

#IImaginedBsEarlyLifeToBeVeryDifferentThoughLuckilySheDoesNotKnowThatSheIsMissingOutOnThings

I was getting emotional writing all this. I had a conversation with a friend yesterday who feels like his young daughter is missing out. I said that I think it won’t affect them too much, but who knows.

It upset me that B cried so much when she last saw my Dad. Luckily she gets to see my Nan, Mum and younger sister on a regular basis in real life so that she does know more people really exist.

#IThinkIFailToMentionHowSupportiveTiagoIsAsWell #HeDoesALotForUsAndHeLooksAfterMyNanReallyWell

Of course he is B’s Dad, but it means a lot to me when he looks after her so I can do some work. He is more cheerful than me and has a strong positive presence which is great. He does spoil my Nan by buying her favourite fruit pies and he sits and talks to her while I work in the evenings.

#YesterdayBStartedToClapALittleBitWhichWasQuiteCute

She hasn’t done it yet today, but she was doing it before her first nap and then during her baby class and the teacher commented on it.

(Sad but when teacher’s praise B it makes me feel good. I need it.)

#IGotHerSomeFarmAnimalPuppetsAfterSeeingHerReactionToThemInHerBabyClasses

I spend a lot of the day making animal noises now. I was singing to her on the swing the other day and another Mum smiled at us as she went past with her baby. I felt a bit awkward as I realised she could probably hear me. Lately we seem to go to the playground at quiet times. It’s better for B as I talk/sing to her more while she swings, but she likes to look at other people…

#IThinkSheIsHappyButIJustWantHerToBeAbleToHangOutWithMorePeopleAndBabiesInRealLife #HopefullyWhenTheWeatherImprovesRulesWillHaveRelaxedABitAndWeCanJustSitOutsideWithMorePeople

Bring on the summerrrr. My Mum suggested getting some fake grass for the garden, so she can crawl around outside more. It’s all bricks outside at the moment, and it’d be nice to casually sit outside and not worry about the floor being too hard. We’ll see.

#HerSkinSeemsALittleBetterAtLeastButIThinkItWillTakeAWhileToReturnToNormal

This new ointment seems to keep her skin hydrated for longer. Hurrah.

#TalkingAboutMyWorkAgainThoughLastNightIHadADreamThatIWonACompetitionInTimorLeste

Random. It was an internet competition and I spent a lot of the dream trying to figure out when I entered it and what the prize was. I never found out. Probably for the best as I woke up disappointed that I had not won.

Awkward.

#IWasCryingOnThePhoneBecauseIFeltLikeINeededTheConfidenceBoostAndDidNotEvenCareAboutHowMuchTheCallWasCostingMe

Also awkward.

#TheWorkThatIWonWithWasReallyBizarreThoughLikePhotoshoppedSeascapesWithSeaCreaturesAndThings

Bizarre for me/my work.

#SoIWasBitGuttedThatItWasNotForMyMotherhoodProjectOrSomethingMoreMeaningfulToMe

Winners can’t be choosers?

#IGuessIAmFeelingABitLostAtTheMomentButItWillSoonPass

I rarely enter competitions now as I’d rather use the time to make work or do something with guaranteed results/an outcome, so I don’t think I’ll be winning anything soon.

I’ll get over it.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

It Has Been A Weird Couple Of Weeks (3rd February 2021)

Trigger warning: Miscarriage(?).

B sat between my legs looking down at her hands
It Has Been A Weird Couple Of Weeks (3rd February 2021)
 
#ItHasBeenAWeirdCoupleOfWeeks
#IDidNotKnowIfIWouldTalkAboutItHereButIDecidedIShouldAsThisProjectIsTryingToBeAsHonestAsPossible
#BasicallyOverTwoWeeksAgoIWasWakingUpInTheMorningFeelingSick
#AfterThreeOrSoDaysOfItIDecidedToDoAPregnancyTestWhichWasPositive
#SoIStartedToMakeANewPregnancyProjectAndIThoughtIWasManagingMyMorningSicknessWell
#AfterAboutAWeekAndAHalfIWasGettingQuiteBadCrampsAndSomeBleeding
#SoICalledUpTheDoctorsAndTheyCalledMeInToExamineMyTummy
#AndTheyDid3PregnancyTestsWhichWereAllNegative
#ThingsGotABitWorseAndTheyMadeMeDoAPregnancyBloodTestWhichAlsoCameBackNegative
#ItWasAndIsABitOfAConfusingSituationAsWasIEverActuallyPregnantOrNotIsHardToSay
#ISpentSomeTimeThinkingIWasAndMadeWorkAboutItAndTheDoctorsVisitsAndWaitingForResultsEtc
#IAmNotSureIfIWillEverShowItOrShareItButItFeelsSomewhatImportantToSayThatItExists
#InMyLastEntryITalkedAboutNotBeingThatBotheredAboutMeetingPeople
#ThoughInTheLastWeekIHaveHad3DifferentPeopleTalkToMeAtThePlaygroundWhenBeforeNoOneReallySpokeToMe
#OneWomanAskedIfIWasPlanningOnHavingAnymoreKidsAndAtThatPointIDidNotKnowWhatWasHappeningToMyBodyAndJustSaidYeahIHopeSo
#SheSaidSheHadTwoKidsWithAnEightYearGapAndTheyHadGivenUpOnHavingAnotherOneWhenSheGotPregnantWithHerYoungest
#WeWouldLikeTwoKidsButIWouldNotLikeAn8YearGapButIGuessWeHaveToSeeWhatHappens
#ItAlsoFeelsAwkwardTalkingAboutThisAsBeingPregnantWithBIWorriedThatIWouldLoseOutOnOpportunitiesByBeingPregnant
#NowThatIAmSayingWeWouldLikeAnotherKidOutLoudItFeelsLikeAgainIMightBeDismissedSomewhatForIt
#WeStartedSleepTrainingBAsIDidNotWantToBePregnantAndBeingWokenUpAllNight
#LastNightWePutHerToBedAt7AndIHadToWakeHerUpAt7WhichIsVeryRare
#EvenThoughWeSleptWellICouldHaveSleptForAnother10Hours
#ButYeahIWouldLikeToMeetSomeLocalPeopleButIAmNoGoodInGroupConversationsOnZoom
#ThereIsALocalWalkNextWeekForParentsWhichIsNiceAsTheyHaveBeenCancelledForAWhile
#IWasAlsoTryingToProtectMyselfAsIThoughtIWasPregnantAndShouldStayAwayFromPeopleForABit
#IAmEnjoyingBsZoomClassesButSheJustSeemsToTryAndEatEverything
#WhenItsTimeForKitchenInstrumentsSheJustEatsTheSpatulaAndIfITakeThatAwaySheTriesToEatThePan
#LastNightWeWereLyingOnTheFloorAndIWasReadingHerBooksAndSheLookedOverAtMeInASuperCuteWay
#SoILeanedTowardsHerAndThenSheJustStartedToStickHerFingersInMyEyesAndUpMyNose
#SheDoesNotKnowWhatSheIsDoingSoIAmGoingToTakeThatAsASignOfHerAffection

#ItHasBeenAWeirdCoupleOfWeeks #IDidNotKnowIfIWouldTalkAboutItHereButIDecidedIShouldAsThisProjectIsTryingToBeAsHonestAsPossible

I spoke to a friend yesterday and she said in some ways it was important to talk about it.

#BasicallyOverTwoWeeksAgoIWasWakingUpInTheMorningFeelingSick #AfterThreeOrSoDaysOfItIDecidedToDoAPregnancyTestWhichWasPositive #SoIStartedToMakeANewPregnancyProjectAndIThoughtIWasManagingMyMorningSicknessWell

Drinking plenty and eating snacks. I was determined to not have a Puke Portraits II project.

#AfterAboutAWeekAndAHalfIWasGettingQuiteBadCrampsAndSomeBleeding #SoICalledUpTheDoctorsAndTheyCalledMeInToExamineMyTummy #AndTheyDid3PregnancyTestsWhichWereAllNegative #ThingsGotABitWorseAndTheyMadeMeDoAPregnancyBloodTestWhichAlsoCameBackNegative #ItWasAndIsABitOfAConfusingSituationAsWasIEverActuallyPregnantOrNotIsHardToSay

I thought I better put a trigger warning on the post. I did bleed, but was it a period or more than that? My period(?) was 4 days early, which rarely happens. I had had a period a month previously, but I did have a bit of one when I was pregnant with B. I was really heavy for 2 days and then it pretty much stopped which had made me suspicious.

The blood test was just to see if I was still pregnant or not, but they will never be able to tell me if I was pregnant or not.

(Before I did the home pregnancy test I was also needing to go to the toilet more and I had even thought to myself ‘I’m doing kegels everyday, why do I suddenly need to wee more?’)

#ISpentSomeTimeThinkingIWasAndMadeWorkAboutItAndTheDoctorsVisitsAndWaitingForResultsEtc

I started to mentally prepare myself for being pregnant again. I was super anxious about something bad happening. I have a phone call every 2 weeks about my mental health and my anxiety was through the roof.

I really thought I was wasting their time by calling about cramps and slight bleeding, but I was just crying my eyes out that day in worry.

Thanks to the NHS for their help. I read an article the other day about maternity staff feeling overwhelmed – when I called the hospital to book my first appointment the woman on the phone said her and her colleagues were really at the end of their tethers that day.

#IAmNotSureIfIWillEverShowItOrShareItButItFeelsSomewhatImportantToSayThatItExists

I spent time writing hashtags and blog posts, not being sure if I’ll ever share them but it was really therapeutic for me.

#InMyLastEntryITalkedAboutNotBeingThatBotheredAboutMeetingPeople #ThoughInTheLastWeekIHaveHad3DifferentPeopleTalkToMeAtThePlaygroundWhenBeforeNoOneReallySpokeToMe

I am just so bad at conversations now. A Dad was talking to me the other day and I realised that I had not really spoken more than a few words to a random man in a long time.

#OneWomanAskedIfIWasPlanningOnHavingAnymoreKidsAndAtThatPointIDidNotKnowWhatWasHappeningToMyBodyAndJustSaidYeahIHopeSo #SheSaidSheHadTwoKidsWithAnEightYearGapAndTheyHadGivenUpOnHavingAnotherOneWhenSheGotPregnantWithHerYoungest

It must have been such a ride for her.

#WeWouldLikeTwoKidsButIWouldNotLikeAn8YearGapButIGuessWeHaveToSeeWhatHappens

An 8 year gap would mean me having a kid at 40ish and I do not see that happening.

#ItAlsoFeelsAwkwardTalkingAboutThisAsBeingPregnantWithBIWorriedThatIWouldLoseOutOnOpportunitiesByBeingPregnant #NowThatIAmSayingWeWouldLikeAnotherKidOutLoudItFeelsLikeAgainIMightBeDismissedSomewhatForIt

I am saying I want a kid and if I was pregnant now it would be great. However our bodies don’t just do what we want them to and I do not know when it will happen, so reach out to me with any opportunities you have. I kept making dance videos until the day before I gave birth last time. I’m fine…

#WeStartedSleepTrainingBAsIDidNotWantToBePregnantAndBeingWokenUpAllNight #LastNightWePutHerToBedAt7AndIHadToWakeHerUpAt7WhichIsVeryRare #EvenThoughWeSleptWellICouldHaveSleptForAnother10Hours

The night before she had woken up a few times and I was relieved to see that it was midnight and not 6am as I wanted more sleep.

This morning I woke up and saw it was 6.30am and she was not awake yet.

The more sleep you get the more sleep you want. I’ve been going to bed early – I think I did around 10.30pm last night, but I need to aim more for 10.

Usually B wakes up around 4.30ish, but we don’t get her out of her cot until 6. She may just have been tired from all the zoom calls and trying to crawl yesterday.

#ButYeahIWouldLikeToMeetSomeLocalPeopleButIAmNoGoodInGroupConversationsOnZoom

Unless they are good friends of mine, but even then I feel awkward and think I say too much rubbish.

#ThereIsALocalWalkNextWeekForParentsWhichIsNiceAsTheyHaveBeenCancelledForAWhile

B is always asleep during the zoom calls so I never join them. Arranged walks are nice as I guess we get paired off and then can just chat about life.

#IWasAlsoTryingToProtectMyselfAsIThoughtIWasPregnantAndShouldStayAwayFromPeopleForABit

I was happy though, but yeah I thought it was for the best that I could not mix closely with other people. Nan and Tiago both have had their vaccines so in some way I’m the most vulnerable now, as babies do not really get/react badly to Covid (I think?).

#IAmEnjoyingBsZoomClassesButSheJustSeemsToTryAndEatEverything #WhenItsTimeForKitchenInstrumentsSheJustEatsTheSpatulaAndIfITakeThatAwaySheTriesToEatThePan

She just eats EVERYTHING. It’s cute, but funny. I feel like our screen on zoom is B just hitting me in the head on accident and/or eating everything I give to her or am holding.

#LastNightWeWereLyingOnTheFloorAndIWasReadingHerBooksAndSheLookedOverAtMeInASuperCuteWay #SoILeanedTowardsHerAndThenSheJustStartedToStickHerFingersInMyEyesAndUpMyNose #SheDoesNotKnowWhatSheIsDoingSoIAmGoingToTakeThatAsASignOfHerAffection

I thought we were having a really sweet moment. It was cute. But also a bit painful…


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Trying To Imitate How B Looks After She Has Slept On Her Hands (31st January 2021)

Self-portrait with some marks on my face from where I tried to imitate my daughter by lying on my hands.
Trying To Imitate How B Looks After She Has Slept On Her Hands (31st January 2021)
 
#BHasSuddenlyGotMoreMobile
#YesterdaySheStartedToRollOntoHerFrontThenBackOntoHerBack
#SheHasDoneItABitBeforeButMoreOnAccident
#NowSheKnowsWhatSheIsDoingAndUsesItToGetAroundMore
#SheWasAlsoCrawlingBackwardsABit
#YouCanSeeThatSheKnowsWhatSheNeedsToDoToCrawlForward
#ButItIsProbablyTheCarpetThatIsStoppingHerSomewhatRightNow
#IDoNotThinkItWillBeLongBeforeSheIsCrawling
#GoodbyeToTheDaysWhereYouCanPutHerDownAndLeaveTheRoomFor5SecondsToGetSomethingAndExpectToFindHerInTheSameArea
#WeAreStartingToBabyproofTheLivingRoomWithTowels
#ThisMorningSheWasAlsoBlowingALotOfRaspberries
#ItIsFunnySeeingHerOnTheBabyMonitorNow
#IAmGladWeDidNotHaveOneBeforeAsYouCanQuiteObsessedWatchingItAndSeeingEveryMovement
#ItIsCuteSeeingBFallAsleepOnHerSideAsIfSheWasTooTiredToEvenRollOntoHerFrontToSleep
#ButWhenSheDoesSleepOnHerFrontSheAlwaysSleepsOnHerHandsAndHasBigMarksWhereHerFingersWere
#SheHasNotLearnedTheArtOfTurningHerHeadToTheSideToSleepOnHerFrontYet
#IWillTryToRecreateTheFingerMarksOnMyHeadForThePhotoButLetsSeeHowLongIHaveToLieOnMyFrontFor
#SheSeemsToPreferSleepingOnHerFrontForNapsAndThenOnHerBackForNight
#ThoughTheOtherNightSheWasOnHerFrontAtNightAndIThoughtOhEventuallyWeWillHaveToGoInToTurnHerOverWhenSheScreams
#ButAtSomePointSheObviouslyRolledOntoHerBackAndItWasFine
#IAmStartingToFeelALittleDrainedAgain
#IHaveNotMadeMuchOfAnEffortToTalkToLocalPeopleLately
#ThoughTypicallyIFeelLikeThisAndThenPeopleStartToTalkToUsAtThePlaygroundMore
#IGuessIFeelLikeIHaveEnoughPeopleToTalkToThatICanNotSeeDueToCovid
#IAlsoHaveLessFreeTimeTheseDaysAndIDoNotFeelTheNeedToMakeLocalFriendsAsMuch
#ThoughThisWillProbablyChangeSoonWhenTheWeatherGetsBetterAndWeCanHopefullySpendMoreTimeOutdoors
#WeDoBabyClassesOnZoomWhereAtLeastBGetsToSeeSomeOtherBabies
#EspeciallyAsThereIsAlwaysABitWhereWeDanceTheBabiesUpToOurCamerasWhichIsRidiculouslyCute
#IFeelLikeIAmGettingQuiteObsessedWithBsScheduleAgainAndIAmQuiteUsedToOurDailyLife
#IGuessInNonPandemicTimesIWouldHaveGotUsedToAlteringItForThingsLikeClassesAndPlaydatesButIFeelLikeICanNotReallySwayAwayFromThingsRightNow

#BHasSuddenlyGotMoreMobile #YesterdaySheStartedToRollOntoHerFrontThenBackOntoHerBack #SheHasDoneItABitBeforeButMoreOnAccident #NowSheKnowsWhatSheIsDoingAndUsesItToGetAroundMore #SheWasAlsoCrawlingBackwardsABit #YouCanSeeThatSheKnowsWhatSheNeedsToDoToCrawlForward #ButItIsProbablyTheCarpetThatIsStoppingHerSomewhatRightNow #IDoNotThinkItWillBeLongBeforeSheIsCrawling

I do not usually bunch so many hashtags together, but this all fits together quite well.

It’s like a switch suddenly got flicked in her brain and she’s now hyperactive.

This morning after breakfast you could see that she just wanted to get back on the floor to try things out.

#GoodbyeToTheDaysWhereYouCanPutHerDownAndLeaveTheRoomFor5SecondsToGetSomethingAndExpectToFindHerInTheSameArea

I will miss them, but I am also excited to see B moving about.

#WeAreStartingToBabyproofTheLivingRoomWithTowels

I did an online first aid class and they were saying that a rolled up towel is good for some things – there’s a fireplace with bricks around it, which now has a big towel over the ledge.

#ThisMorningSheWasAlsoBlowingALotOfRaspberries

She was just blowing them in Tiago’s face. I did laugh… She also likes to blow raspberries more when she eats too.

#ItIsFunnySeeingHerOnTheBabyMonitorNow #IAmGladWeDidNotHaveOneBeforeAsYouCanQuiteObsessedWatchingItAndSeeingEveryMovement

Every arm flap makes me feel concerned. ‘Oh, she is going to wake up! No she didn’t…’ I turn it off unless I need it on – I’m far away/she cries and I want to see what is happening.

#ItIsCuteSeeingBFallAsleepOnHerSideAsIfSheWasTooTiredToEvenRollOntoHerFrontToSleep

Very cute.

#ButWhenSheDoesSleepOnHerFrontSheAlwaysSleepsOnHerHandsAndHasBigMarksWhereHerFingersWere #SheHasNotLearnedTheArtOfTurningHerHeadToTheSideToSleepOnHerFrontYet #IWillTryToRecreateTheFingerMarksOnMyHeadForThePhotoButLetsSeeHowLongIHaveToLieOnMyFrontFor

I was going to do this for the last shoot, but I felt like I could not justify lying on my front for a while. Today it is Sunday and I’ve done my ‘work work’ for the week so I am less stressed. I need to set up the camera before I lie down though as it might fade quick. Will I fall asleep? I might listen to a podcast or something.

B was up at 6 so she might sleep for another hour and a half now (it is 9.30am), but knowing my luck she will be awake in 10 minutes.

#SheSeemsToPreferSleepingOnHerFrontForNapsAndThenOnHerBackForNight #ThoughTheOtherNightSheWasOnHerFrontAtNightAndIThoughtOhEventuallyWeWillHaveToGoInToTurnHerOverWhenSheScreams #ButAtSomePointSheObviouslyRolledOntoHerBackAndItWasFine

Great. Though last night she was screaming as she was on her front and we did turn her over. Maybe we should have left her, but it had been 5 minutes. She was probably tired from all of her moving around last night.

She does seem to move around the cot quite a lot now.

#IAmStartingToFeelALittleDrainedAgain

I kept rewriting this half of the hashtags as I felt like I wasn’t explaining myself well.

#IHaveNotMadeMuchOfAnEffortToTalkToLocalPeopleLately #ThoughTypicallyIFeelLikeThisAndThenPeopleStartToTalkToUsAtThePlaygroundMore

I was using a lot of apps and things before, but now I just do not have the energy. The other day I was lost in my own thoughts while pushing B on a swing and someone started to chat to me. The next day someone else spoke to us.

#IGuessIFeelLikeIHaveEnoughPeopleToTalkToThatICanNotSeeDueToCovid

I have not seen a lot of my friends in over a year… (I know this is the case for a lot of people to.)

#IAlsoHaveLessFreeTimeTheseDaysAndIDoNotFeelTheNeedToMakeLocalFriendsAsMuch

At the moment it feels like the best thing to do is to stay away from people. Also having to start over with people from square one is always awkward. People who have known me for a while know me and what I do and I do not have to explain things which is great.

It’s the whole starting over from the beginning with people that is tiring, and then they usually do not talk to you for a while/long time/ever again for whatever reason. I do not have the energy for it right now.

#ThoughThisWillProbablyChangeSoonWhenTheWeatherGetsBetterAndWeCanHopefullySpendMoreTimeOutdoors

Oh yeah when we can go out as many times as we want and can just sit on the grass it will be great. At the moment when B naps I get things done. When she’s awake we have many hours to pass, so just chilling outside with people talking about things and letting the babies play sounds awesome.

#WeDoBabyClassesOnZoomWhereAtLeastBGetsToSeeSomeOtherBabies #EspeciallyAsThereIsAlwaysABitWhereWeDanceTheBabiesUpToOurCamerasWhichIsRidiculouslyCute

Last week I did not do as many as I planned. I think we managed 3 out of 5 days? I do wish they had them at the weekend as it’s a good way to pass time. I do do YouTube classes with her, but it’s not the same as watching other babies on the screen.

#IFeelLikeIAmGettingQuiteObsessedWithBsScheduleAgainAndIAmQuiteUsedToOurDailyLife #IGuessInNonPandemicTimesIWouldHaveGotUsedToAlteringItForThingsLikeClassesAndPlaydatesButIFeelLikeICanNotReallySwayAwayFromThingsRightNow

Going out to classes was stressful, but I did feel good when I had organised things well. Now I worry about B falling asleep on the way to or from classes when she shouldn’t, but it didn’t really do much damage anyways. I guess it will be a while until we have classes in real life again, and by then I’ll know more what I am doing with B’s schedule.

Yesterday she had a big breakfast and a tiny lunch. I think this morning it was quite a big breakfast, so I will push back lunch a bit. Things like this help with scheduling her day, and B eats well enough now that she can eat when we are out and about.

Boring stuff, but it’s what I think about.

Time to lie on the floor for a shoot…

(I did not have to lie on my hands for as long as I thought I would have to to get results, but my hands are bony and it did hurt. B’s hands are a lot more fleshy. It just looks like I’ve had sunglasses on for too long or something… Fail.)


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B Likes To Hold Onto My Finger When She Eats (26th January 2021)

B holding onto the index finger of my left hand. Both of our hands have food on them.
B Likes To Hold On To My Finger When She Eats (26th January 2021)
 
#BIsStillSleepingWellThoughSomeMorningsSheDoesWakeUpAround5
#YesterdaySheWokeUpAtFourThirtyButWentBackToSleepUntil7
#TodaySheWokeUpAt5AndWasQuietForABitButThenStartedToMakeNoise
#WeDoNotGetHerUpUntilSheHasBeenInHerCotForAtLeast11HoursThough
#HerHeaterBrokeThreeNightsAgoSoWeOrderedANewOne
#ThoughDueToSnowTiagoOnlyManagedToPickItUpYesterdaySoSheHadToMakeDoWithANotSoGreatOne
#WeAlsoFinallyGotABabyMonitorWhichSeemsABitLateAsSheIsEdgingTowards8MonthsOld
#InLiverpoolWeLivedInAFlatWhereSheWasNeverThatFarAwayAndWeCouldAlwaysHearHer
#AtMyNansIfIAmDownstairsIAlwaysHaveToGoToTheBottomOfTheStairsToSeeIfICanHearHerSoThisWillMakeThingsMuchEasier
#IAmLessStressedAboutHerEatingNowThatWeDoNotFeedHerInTheNightAndSheEatsBetterDuringTheDay
#SheTendsToNotEatMuchAtLunchSometimesButIThinkThatIsNormalAsSheAlwaysEatsHerPorridgeAtBreakfastWhichMustBeQuiteFilling
#INeedToRememberToTalkToBMoreAtMealsAsIFeelLikeIAmJustDaydreamingOrDoNotKnowWhatToSayToHer
#ITendToPutMusicOnSoAtLeastISingButHerMealtimesAreAlsoGettingShorterWhichIsGreat
#IAmFeelingLessGuiltyAboutPassingHerToMyNanForABit
#TheyWatchTelevisionTogetherAndMyNanIsReallyGoodAtTalkingToHerAboutWhatIsOnScreen
#IDoWorryThatSheHasTooMuchScreenTimeAlreadyButSomeDaysSheBarelyHasAny
#ThisLockdownIAmGettingMoreIntoOnlineBabyClasses
#LastWeekWeDidOneEveryWeekdayAsItIsNiceForHerToSeeOtherBabies
#IDoWorryThatSheIsMissingOutABitByNotGoingToClassesInRealLifeButWhatAreWeToDo
#IAmReallyNotGoodWithTheLocalWhatsappGroupsThatIAmIn
#OneIsAGroupOfLocalMumsWhoHaveTwoOnlineCallsAWeekButTheyNowBothFallDuringBsNaptimes
#IFeelWeirdAttendingThemWithoutABabyAndWhenBIsAsleepItIsMyTimeToGetThingsDone
#TheOtherNightIHadADreamThatWeWereGoingToPortugalOnHolidayTheNextDayAndIWasSadWhenIWokeUpAndRealisedItWasJustADream
#IAlsoDreamtThatBSuddenlyGrewAllHerTeethAndItWasStrange
#ICanNotReallyImagineHerWithTeeth
#TiagoGetsHisVaccineTodayBecauseOfHisWork
#HeWasOfferedOneAFewWeeksAgoButHisCarWasPlayingUpAndItWasFarAway
#IGuessIWillNotBeGettingOneForAVeryLongTimeAndIGuessBWillBeWaitingLongerIfSheIsEvenAllowedToHaveIt
#WhenTheGovernmentAnnouncedTheNewLockdownIKnewThereWasNoPointThinkingAboutWhenIsItGoingToBeOver
#IAmJustTryingToTakeThingsOneDayAtATimeButTheOtherDayIDidGetABitAnnoyedByItAllAsThereAreSoManyPeopleThatBHasNotMetYetButWhatCanWeDo

#BIsStillSleepingWellThoughSomeMorningsSheDoesWakeUpAround5

Last night was night 10 of sleep training.

#YesterdaySheWokeUpAtFourThirtyButWentBackToSleepUntil7

I thought she would not go back to sleep. We went in to see if she was okay and then she fell asleep. When we got her up her nappy was super heavy, so I felt like we should have checked and changed it earlier.

#TodaySheWokeUpAt5AndWasQuietForABitButThenStartedToMakeNoise

T went in to check on her and changed her nappy. It wasn’t even heavy. She didn’t go back to sleep… Tomorrow we will just leave it until we get up unless it smells bad.

#WeDoNotGetHerUpUntilSheHasBeenInHerCotForAtLeast11HoursThough

And then we start her wake window from the time that we get her up. This means that sometimes she is awake for 4+ hours before naptime, but today she wasn’t that annoyed about it. The first wake window should be 2 hours 45 – 3 hours, so I put her down after 2 hours 45.

I do not mind her getting up at 6 now though as we have usually had a good sleep and it means her naps will be longer so I can get things done, or have a rest.

It’s just annoying when she wakes up at 4.30 or 5 and doesn’t go back to sleep as I can not sleep if she is crying. Hopefully soon she’ll realise that ‘okay if they’re not going me up then I need to go back to sleep’. Let’s see!

#HerHeaterBrokeThreeNightsAgoSoWeOrderedANewOne

If you missed it – the first night of sleep training didn’t go great, but we think it was because she was too cold. The heater on a timer has been great.

#ThoughDueToSnowTiagoOnlyManagedToPickItUpYesterdaySoSheHadToMakeDoWithANotSoGreatOne

We were going to get it delivered, but the delivery slot was after she would have gone to bed so T was going to see if he could pick it up. It just kept snowing… Yesterday Tiago dug his car out and went out.

I was a bit anxious about using the other heater, but it was fine.

#WeAlsoFinallyGotABabyMonitorWhichSeemsABitLateAsSheIsEdgingTowards8MonthsOld

As we were ordering the heater I thought we should just order a monitor and be done with it. We were dragging out making a decision for far too long.

In the end it was between two, but we couldn’t click and collect on one of them so that made it an easier choice.

#InLiverpoolWeLivedInAFlatWhereSheWasNeverThatFarAwayAndWeCouldAlwaysHearHer

Our little office was the room next to the bedroom so you could hear her easily.

#AtMyNansIfIAmDownstairsIAlwaysHaveToGoToTheBottomOfTheStairsToSeeIfICanHearHerSoThisWillMakeThingsMuchEasier

Tiago’s office is now below her room so he can hear her well, but he is often on a work call and if I am in the kitchen then it is annoying having to go and check on her. Now I can be more relaxed when I’m downstairs.

We don’t have it turned on if we’re asleep as we can hear her well from our room if she is properly crying. I had the monitor with me while I was brushing my teeth downstairs last night and I can see how people can get quite obsessed with watching the monitor…

#IAmLessStressedAboutHerEatingNowThatWeDoNotFeedHerInTheNightAndSheEatsBetterDuringTheDay

Before I was just worried about whether she was getting enough to eat, so we would feed her in the night. Now I know that she can go for 12+ hours without being fed I am a bit more relaxed.

#SheTendsToNotEatMuchAtLunchSometimesButIThinkThatIsNormalAsSheAlwaysEatsHerPorridgeAtBreakfastWhichMustBeQuiteFilling

I looked at different feeding schedules, but I decided that she should have about 3.5 to 4 hours between each solid meal. The porridge is definitely filling so it’s best to push lunch a little later, then she has dinner about 3 and a half hours after, and then milk before bed. She also has some milk when she wakes up, then porridge a couple of hours after.

#INeedToRememberToTalkToBMoreAtMealsAsIFeelLikeIAmJustDaydreamingOrDoNotKnowWhatToSayToHer

I wrote the hashtags this morning when Tiago had her for a little bit.

I gave her breakfast an hour-ish ago and I made an effort to talk to her more.

#ITendToPutMusicOnSoAtLeastISingButHerMealtimesAreAlsoGettingShorterWhichIsGreat

We had Madonna on this morning. Sometimes I am always skipping artists and tracks and I accidentally call B Alexa… She probably does think that is her name.

#IAmFeelingLessGuiltyAboutPassingHerToMyNanForABit #TheyWatchTelevisionTogetherAndMyNanIsReallyGoodAtTalkingToHerAboutWhatIsOnScreen

Though I can not work while Nan has her. Yesterday I tried to do a bit of work while I was sat in the same room and it was difficult. This morning I tried to write my blog post. Nope. So in future I’ll just stick to tidying up or cooking while Nan has her.

#IDoWorryThatSheHasTooMuchScreenTimeAlreadyButSomeDaysSheBarelyHasAny

I was trying to take this photo of B holding my hand/finger and B just wanted to grab my phone. In the end I had to call Tiago in to distract her. He showed her some Portuguese kids songs and she went off into her own world.

Once the weather gets warmer and we can go out for as many walks as we want I just want to be outside with B as much as possible. For now it’s winter and we’re locked down so our options are limited.

#ThisLockdownIAmGettingMoreIntoOnlineBabyClasses

I think B was too young when I was doing them in Liverpool and the classes were quite long.

#LastWeekWeDidOneEveryWeekdayAsItIsNiceForHerToSeeOtherBabies

The classes are around 30 minutes and B has a longer attention span now. She rarely needs to have a nappy changed in class and she doesn’t need feeding, so it’s a lot easier.

#IDoWorryThatSheIsMissingOutABitByNotGoingToClassesInRealLifeButWhatAreWeToDo

At in real life classes she’d just look around at everyone. She doesn’t know that her life should be different than this which is good. Kudos to those home-schooling and looking after kids who know how life used to be.

#IAmReallyNotGoodWithTheLocalWhatsappGroupsThatIAmIn

I rarely say anything. I find them stressful to read at times and they’re just a distraction.

#OneIsAGroupOfLocalMumsWhoHaveTwoOnlineCallsAWeekButTheyNowBothFallDuringBsNaptimes #IFeelWeirdAttendingThemWithoutABabyAndWhenBIsAsleepItIsMyTimeToGetThingsDone

I’d like to get to know them, but the group was originally for walks and they’re not running at the moment. Hopefully when they run we can try to meet them, but B might be asleep then too. I guess at some point I’ll just have to propose having a meeting at some other time and/or I should tell them that B sleeps during those times.

For now I’d rather keep my me time for me. B is awake so much during the day that we can chat to people then.

#TheOtherNightIHadADreamThatWeWereGoingToPortugalOnHolidayTheNextDayAndIWasSadWhenIWokeUpAndRealisedItWasJustADream

I was quite gutted.

#IAlsoDreamtThatBSuddenlyGrewAllHerTeethAndItWasStrange #ICanNotReallyImagineHerWithTeeth

I really can’t imagine B with teeth, I can’t imagine her crawling (it will be soon I’m sure), I can’t imagine B walking (she loves standing on her feet though), and I can’t imagine B talking.

#TiagoGetsHisVaccineTodayBecauseOfHisWork #HeWasOfferedOneAFewWeeksAgoButHisCarWasPlayingUpAndItWasFarAway

He would have had to go to the outskirts of London for it. He only has to go about 20 minutes away now which is better.

#IGuessIWillNotBeGettingOneForAVeryLongTimeAndIGuessBWillBeWaitingLongerIfSheIsEvenAllowedToHaveIt

I wonder when they’ll both get their next vaccines. I hope Nan gets hers soon.

#WhenTheGovernmentAnnouncedTheNewLockdownIKnewThereWasNoPointThinkingAboutWhenIsItGoingToBeOver

As in I was thinking it would be a long way away.

#IAmJustTryingToTakeThingsOneDayAtATimeButTheOtherDayIDidGetABitAnnoyedByItAllAsThereAreSoManyPeopleThatBHasNotMetYetButWhatCanWeDo

Basically we just have to sit and wait. Yeah it’s annoying, but we’re lucky that we’re okay. It is weird when I suddenly realise how long this has been going on for, but odd to think that people were going away on holiday in the summer too. This is the longest that I haven’t been out of the country in a very long time. I guess last year was the first year that Tiago hadn’t been in Portugal for the first time in his life (I’ll have to check with him about that). I’d just like to go swimming…


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Failing At Trying To Imitate B Rolling Over, But Having A Good Workout (9th January 2021)

Failing At Trying To Imitate B Rolling Over, But Having A Good Workout (9th January 2021)
 
#WellNanEndedUpGettingAVaccineTheDayAfterMyLastEntry
#SheGotACallInTheMorningAndSheWentToGetItACoupleOfHoursLater
#ThatIsAReliefAsBeforeTheLockdownSheWasGoingOutToShopsALotAsSheWasSoBored
#IWasWorriedThatIfSheCaughtCovidWeWouldGetBlamed
#MostOfOurBabyClassesHaveBeenPostponedThoughOneHasMovedOnline
#TheyHaveClassesEveryWeekDayAndWeCanGoToAsManyAsWeWant
#IThinkIWillTryToAttendOneEverydayAsThereIsNotMuchElseToDoAndBHadAReallyGoodNapAfterOneYesterday
#IDidNotLikeOnlineClassesMuchBeforeButIThinkNowThatBHasAnEstablishedRoutineItIsMuchBetter
#AlsoItMightBeABetterWayToGetToKnowSomeLocalMumsAsMaybeByTheTimeWeGoBackToRealLifeClassWeMightRecogniseMorePeople
#IKnowThatBIsDueToDropAnotherNapSoonButAtLeastThenSheShouldKeepASimilarRoutineUntilAround14Months
#BHasSuddenlyRememberedHowToRollOverAndJustDoesItAllTheTimeNow
#SomeFriendsWereTalkingAboutHowTheirBabiesAreRollingOverInTheirCotsAndSleepingOnTheirFronts
#ISaidThatBDidNotKnowHowToRollOverInHerCotButTheSameDaySheStartedToDoIt
#ThoughSheGenerallyScreamsAfterSheDoesItSoIHaveToPutHerBackOnHerBack
#ButThenSheKeepsDoingIt
#IAmLikeIfYouDoNotLikeItSoMuchThenWhyDoYouKeepDoingIt
#TheOtherNightSheDidNotGoToSleepInHerCotForAnHourAsSheKeptRollingOver
#IReadThatTheyJustWantToPracticeTheirNewSkillsSoYesterdayIMadeHerRollOverLots
#SheTookAboutHalfAnHourToSettleInsteadSoHopefullyTonightItWillBeQuicker
#ITryToPutHerDownOnTheLeftSideOfTheCotAsSheTendsToRollToHerLeft
#WeJustNeedToGetHerToLearnHowToRollBackNow
#IForgotToMentionThatBTriedFishForTheFirstTimeLastWeek
#SheSeemedToLikeItThoughIDoNotLikeHavingToFeedItToHer
#IUsuallyCheckTheTemperatureOfHerFoodALotAndIDoNotWantToCheckItIfThereIsFishInIt
#IAmStillWorryingAboutHerDietButYesterdayIWentToGiveHerAFoodPouchAndRealisedTheyAreFullOfTheSameThingsThatIAmGivingHerAnyways
#SoonSheWillBe7MonthsSoINeedToStartLookingAtDifferentRecipes
#MyNanKeepsSayingIShouldGiveBIceCreamSoIDoNotKnowWhyIWorrySoMuch
#AsFromWhatSheSaysItSeemsLikeBabiesInThePastWereJustGivenWhateverAndTurnedOutOkay
#SheAlsoSaidToPutAPillowInBsCotToStopHerTurningOver
#YouAreNotSupposedToPutAnythingInBabiesCotsBesidesBedSheetsUntilTheyAre12Months

#WellNanEndedUpGettingAVaccineTheDayAfterMyLastEntry #SheGotACallInTheMorningAndSheWentToGetItACoupleOfHoursLater

Hurrah. She also saw one of her sisters who must have been getting the second jab as she had got a phone call about the first only a couple of days after they became available.

#ThatIsAReliefAsBeforeTheLockdownSheWasGoingOutToShopsALotAsSheWasSoBored #IWasWorriedThatIfSheCaughtCovidWeWouldGetBlamed

You know the story – Nan gets Covid after her Granddaughter and her family move in and fingers get pointed. Obviously she can still get it, but hopefully if she does it will not be that bad. At this moment in time Tiago just goes out to the supermarket (though his car is broken at the moment).

#MostOfOurBabyClassesHaveBeenPostponedThoughOneHasMovedOnline #TheyHaveClassesEveryWeekDayAndWeCanGoToAsManyAsWeWant #IThinkIWillTryToAttendOneEverydayAsThereIsNotMuchElseToDoAndBHadAReallyGoodNapAfterOneYesterday

In the morning I have generally been doing old YouTube classes, so it’s nice to have some ‘fresh content’. Plus it’s a music class so that’s always fun.

#IDidNotLikeOnlineClassesMuchBeforeButIThinkNowThatBHasAnEstablishedRoutineItIsMuchBetter

In Liverpool when I was doing them I was just stressed as the timing of classes never seemed right and I guess B was younger so we would not often get through them.

#AlsoItMightBeABetterWayToGetToKnowSomeLocalMumsAsMaybeByTheTimeWeGoBackToRealLifeClassWeMightRecogniseMorePeople

They are supposed to be setting up WhatsApp groups for the class, though like I said in my previous post I am not great with them. The one we ‘went to’ yesterday was not our local class, but I guess I am more open-minded about the whole thing. In Liverpool it just seemed like I would never meet any of the women in real life – to be fair I only met a few and that was because I knew them from elsewhere.

#IKnowThatBIsDueToDropAnotherNapSoonButAtLeastThenSheShouldKeepASimilarRoutineUntilAround14Months

She is not ready to drop it yet, but I know that it can happen around 7 months.

#BHasSuddenlyRememberedHowToRollOverAndJustDoesItAllTheTimeNow

She has rolled over here and there occasionally, but now I put her down and the floor and she rolls pretty quickly.

#SomeFriendsWereTalkingAboutHowTheirBabiesAreRollingOverInTheirCotsAndSleepingOnTheirFronts #ISaidThatBDidNotKnowHowToRollOverInHerCotButTheSameDaySheStartedToDoIt

Of course.

#ThoughSheGenerallyScreamsAfterSheDoesItSoIHaveToPutHerBackOnHerBack #ButThenSheKeepsDoingIt #IAmLikeIfYouDoNotLikeItSoMuchThenWhyDoYouKeepDoingIt

Babies…

#TheOtherNightSheDidNotGoToSleepInHerCotForAnHourAsSheKeptRollingOver #IReadThatTheyJustWantToPracticeTheirNewSkillsSoYesterdayIMadeHerRollOverLots #SheTookAboutHalfAnHourToSettleInsteadSoHopefullyTonightItWillBeQuicker

Hoping for 15 minutes or less, but I am guessing it will be 2 hours now I’ve said that…

#ITryToPutHerDownOnTheLeftSideOfTheCotAsSheTendsToRollToHerLeft

I’m not sure if she has ever rolled to her right? I try to encourage her to do it, but she does not seem bothered.

#WeJustNeedToGetHerToLearnHowToRollBackNow

Roll to the right, and roll back. Let’s see.

#IForgotToMentionThatBTriedFishForTheFirstTimeLastWeek #SheSeemedToLikeItThoughIDoNotLikeHavingToFeedItToHer #IUsuallyCheckTheTemperatureOfHerFoodALotAndIDoNotWantToCheckItIfThereIsFishInIt

I did make Tiago feed it to her as I was a bit grossed out, though I did try again the next day. Sometimes I think it’d be easier if we all just ate the same thing, but I don’t think I can face the idea of eating fish yet.

#IAmStillWorryingAboutHerDietButYesterdayIWentToGiveHerAFoodPouchAndRealisedTheyAreFullOfTheSameThingsThatIAmGivingHerAnyways

She had been waking up a lot at night and I thought it was due to hunger, but the last couple of nights she has slept better. So maybe it was just due to the rolling and teething? Though this morning she woke up at 5am, and we were still trying to get her to go back to sleep at 5.30am so we decided to start the day. It’s nearly 7am, so hopefully she’ll have a nap soon and I’ll have one too.

#SoonSheWillBe7MonthsSoINeedToStartLookingAtDifferentRecipes

I really like the recipes that are in Joe Wicks’s Wean In 15.

#MyNanKeepsSayingIShouldGiveBIceCreamSoIDoNotKnowWhyIWorrySoMuch #AsFromWhatSheSaysItSeemsLikeBabiesInThePastWereJustGivenWhateverAndTurnedOutOkay #SheAlsoSaidToPutAPillowInBsCotToStopHerTurningOver #YouAreNotSupposedToPutAnythingInBabiesCotsBesidesBedSheetsUntilTheyAre12Months

My Nan raised some of her siblings and two of her own kids, and the rules/guidelines have obviously changed a lot. Though some things I am not sure if she just says them for the sake of it.

When my older sister was born in 1986 people were advised to put their babies to sleep on their front, but by the time I was born in 1988 people were told that it was better for their babies to sleep on their backs.

Rules/guidelines changed, but so many people survived these things that are considered bad for babies now. I’m not saying I’m putting B to sleep on her front now (like I said she hates it), but I get so worried about B when she probably eats better than a lot of adults…

I’m keeping a mood diary now and I think it is helping me reflect on my emotions and feelings better. It’s early days though, so we’ll see. I think hormones play a big part in it all.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)
 
#IAmNotAMorningPersonAndMotherhoodIsTryingDesperatelyToTurnMeIntoOne
#BKeepsWakingUpALotAtNightAtTheMoment
#IThinkItIsBecauseOfTeethingButWeTryToSettleHerForAbout30MinutesBeforeWeResortToFeedingHer
#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier
#AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning
#YesterdayIGotACallFromThePostNatalSupportServiceThatMyHealthVisitorReferredMeTo
#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea
#IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4
#WellNowEnglandHasAnotherLockdownAgain
#IDoubtWeWillHaveABabyClassInPersonAnytimeSoonButIThinkItIsForTheBest
#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine
#TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon
#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe
#IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers
#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB
#TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt
#SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe
#SheSaidINeedToStopBeingSoHardOnMyselfAndToStopOverthinkingSoMuch
#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay
#IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse
#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup
#IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats
#WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell
#IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow
#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn
#EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll
#HavingASmallHumanHasJustPutANewLightOnALotOfThingsThatIWantToFixAboutMyself
#FromTheCallIFeelLikeIAmDoingALotOfThingsRightButIJustNeedToPracticeSomeMoreSelfCareAndSelfLove
#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne
#ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

#IAmNotAMorningPersonAndMotherhoodIsTryingDesperatelyToTurnMeIntoOne

I have not done a shoot yet, but I imagine myself looking tired as hell.

(I don’t look too bad actually, but I had been up for a few hours…)

#BKeepsWakingUpALotAtNightAtTheMoment

We need to start the sleep training that we have been on about for ages.

#IThinkItIsBecauseOfTeethingButWeTryToSettleHerForAbout30MinutesBeforeWeResortToFeedingHer

It is really hard to know what to do – maybe she is just hungry? She is eating quite a bit at meals at the moment, but maybe it’s not enough?

(Spoiler for future blog posts: We finally started it – hello night 9 tonight – and it’s been great to sleep. B hasn’t had a night feed since we started. Why did we not do it before? I also do not mind the mornings so much if I have slept well. Hurrah!)

#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier #AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning

Though last night I did put my book down at 10.45pm. I started reading quite late as my brain could not relax.

I’m currently reading Bridget Jones’s Diary as I have never read it before, and it is an easy read.

#YesterdayIGotACallFromThePostNatalSupportServiceThatMyHealthVisitorReferredMeTo

I just remembered that someone is calling me soon again – at the time when B is due to wake up.

#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea #IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4

I was feeling good so I didn’t think that she needed to check on me anyways.

#WellNowEnglandHasAnotherLockdownAgain

Things change fast.

#IDoubtWeWillHaveABabyClassInPersonAnytimeSoonButIThinkItIsForTheBest

Though they are supposed to be allowed to happen as they are support groups, but a lot of the venues are waiting for more clarification.

#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine #TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon

I felt like Nan was going out too much before as she was so bored. Now she is a bit scared, which is sad but I am glad that she seems less keen to go out now – especially as she will hopefully have the vaccine soon.

#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe #IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers

I have lost count of how many of these questionnaires I have done over the years.

#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB #TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt #SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe

I definitely have a lot of guilt these days. Even this morning I felt bad as when I was with B my brain was just thinking in hashtags…

#SheSaidINeedToStopBeingSoHardOnMyselfAndToStopOverthinkingSoMuch

I am an overthinker for sure.

#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay #IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse

I have been saying lately that I am so negative. I ran out of hashtags before I could name two positive things, but I know that we are lucky. Tiago still has a job, we are living in a nice, warm house and B does seem healthy.

#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup #IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats #WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell #IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow

I won’t be talking about the group much in future, except for probably saying how awkward I feel. No I won’t – I’ll be being positive!

It’s a confidential group so yeah what happens in the group stays in the group.

#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn #EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll

I remember going to CBT while doing my Neblina project and the guy said I had low self-esteem. I felt like a fraud with all of my work that I do and I was quite annoyed about it. However, he was right and I still need to work on it a lot.

#HavingASmallHumanHasJustPutANewLightOnALotOfThingsThatIWantToFixAboutMyself

Happy Mum, happy baby.

#FromTheCallIFeelLikeIAmDoingALotOfThingsRightButIJustNeedToPracticeSomeMoreSelfCareAndSelfLove

What happened to the mother of the one month old doing face masks? I need to find her again.

I wish I could have bottled the hormones I had a week after B was born. I felt so high and confident – I could have taken on the world. I really miss that version of me. I feel like that was the real me deep down under the layers of stress, guilt and shame.

#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne #ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

Luckily I didn’t break the law yesterday as I did not feel up to two walks.

Let’s see how long this goes on for… the lockdown that is.


Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!