I wrote this on 4th November and forgot what an overshare it might have been…
I am hoping it stays this way.
It has coincided with the first week of more formula feeds, but it could be a coincidence?
Apparently some women breastfeed and get their periods straight away?
My feeding schedule does vary a bit at the moment, but for example today so far it’s been breastfeed, formula, breastfeed, formula… and I am planning to try to breastfeed next, then a bottle of expressed milk for the dream feed.
With breastfeeding it is hard to know how much she is getting. With formula I know it is 210ml, then with feeding expressed milk it’s usually around 100ml.
The night my period arrived, T and B were already in bed so I was trying to rummage around to find them. The next day I realised they were in the bathroom, but when I needed a new one the bathroom door was closed.
It made me laugh trying to open it a little bit then trying to squeeze through and repeat. Last night I realised the door was closed again, so I had to do the same thing and noted the shoot idea down.
Writing this I realise that I need to make sure I move them out of the bathroom…
Giving her formula so late in the day means that her nappy is always super heavy in the night. I end up changing it at 2am or whatever which upsets her and then I have to feed her.
It is so hard to know if she is in pain or not. I was cautious about giving her it as someone said that some parents just use it to make their kids drowsy, so I worry about using it for no reason. Pain might be why she hasn’t been sleeping through the night though…
It takes me so long to fall asleep at first as my brain is overthinking thing, but usually I do fall asleep quickly during the night.
I am writing this during her last nap of the day and I keep think I can hear her again. She went down too easily for this time of the day…
I feel like today she hasn’t made that much noise, but it does seem to be getting a little bit better.
He got a bit annoyed at me saying that it is hard over the phone. I said I understand why they’re on the phone… I still haven’t heard from the health visitor yet. It will be good when they finally visit, though I am nervous.
It’d be nice for her just to be checked over and so that I know everything is okay.
I am nervous that I might get told off for whatever reason though.
She’s a bit clingy and I have to rush to do things sometimes, but she does seem okay.
Bless him. I feel bad that I can’t help him. It’s 5pm now and he thinks he’ll be there until 7pm at least. He left at around 7am…
I really just want to have some things put away and to sort through our stuff, and to have some space to make work.
Maybe it will only be 4 weeks, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is much longer.
I feel like perhaps this project won’t be as honest as it usually is. Well, it’ll still be honest but I feel unable to talk about some things as I don’t want to be seen as ungrateful.
It’s a difficult time for everyone right now in some way. For me I think I would feel a lot better if I could just have more conversations with people face to face and go to baby classes.
Perhaps this a polite way of saying that I do not like being made to feel that I am a bad parent and that I do not know what is wrong with my child. It might not be their intention when they say things, but that is how it makes me feel.
The writing side of this takes up so much time. I could change it, but I feel like I am letting myself down in some way.
I seem to have things to talk about, but I am sure some weeks nothing much will happen. Perhaps I just need to shorten my writing at times?
It is quite nice to actually not listen to anything and just let my brain be free for a bit. I don’t really do it enough.
Today I saw a few women with pushchairs/prams. I wanted to talk to them, but I didn’t want them to think I was weird.
I don’t know when I can make a dance video again. Maybe next week? I just need to make space for it, or just totally change how I do them.
This project is too involved with scrutinising what I am doing and how things are. I need to have some art fun…
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