Jockey Greys – Page 6 of 8 – Blog by Jocelyn Allen

Crying Again – I’m So Dumb (31st July 2020)

Post author By Jocelyn Allen
Post date 20 August 2020

Well, after rereading over my hashtags to make sure there were no mistakes I now feel SUPER awkward about posting this, but awkwardness is not a new feeling for me so here goes nothing…

**Crying Again – I’m So Dumb (31^st July 2020)**

#SoManyThingsIWantToSay
#YetSoManyThingsIDoNotWantToSay
#IEmailedPicturesToMyselfWithTheEmailSubjectsBeingTooSelfishToBeAMotherAndImSoDumb
#SoDumbBecauseIDoNotHaveToWorkForNowAndYetIAmSoStressedOut
#AndIDecidedToMakeABlogWhichIJustWantToQuit
#ButIHaveInvestedTimeAndMoneyInItAlreadyAndDoNotWantToQuit
#SelfishBecauseIWantToWorkOnMyStuff
#SureItIsAboutMotherhoodNowButIDoNotKnow
#INeedToOrganiseMyTimeBetter
#ThisMorningIHadACoupleOfNapsButISwearIJustGoToSleepAndBStartsCrying
#ThisHappensInTheNightThough
#SheGoesToSleepThenSheIsCryingAgainAMinuteLaterThoughReallyItIsAWhile
#ICalledTheDoctorsAgainThisAfternoonAsIWasGettingWorriedAboutHerSpotsAndRash
#TheySaidToTryADifferentCreamAndAnotherOneWhichSheWouldGiveUsAPrescriptionFor
#TiagoWentToGetItAndThenBJustStartedToCry
#IChangedHerNappyAndBottleFedHerExpressedMilkAsDoNotLikeBreastfeedingHerAtTheMomentBecauseIDoNotWantToTouchHerNeckAndRashMuch
#IThoughtTheMilkWouldBeEnoughAndThenICouldPump
#ButItWasNotEnoughAndSheWasJustCrying
#IShouldHaveExpressedWhileIBottleFedHer
#TheFirstWeekWhenWeWereHomeBHadBeenFedSoTiagoWentFoodShopping
#ILayMyHeadDownFor10SecondsThenSheStartedToCryAndDidNotStopUntilHeGotHome
#SeeingHerSkinJustMakesMeFeelSoGuilty
#IfICouldGoBackInTimeIWouldMakeSureSheAlwaysHadABibOnOrMilkWasCleanedFromHerNeck
#IFeelLikeSuchABadMumAndMaybeIAm
#TheOtherWeekISaidToAGroupThatNowIHaveHadABabyICanFinallyPutMyselfFirst
#WhichMakesNoSenseAsBComesFirst
#INeedToChange
#DoingMyArtKeepsMeSaneSoMaybeIJustNeedToBeMoreOrganised
#IShouldNotBeWastingWaterOnTears
#IKeepGettingDehydratedAndCryingDoesNotHelpMyMilkProduction

#IEmailedPicturesToMyselfWithTheEmailSubjectsBeingTooSelfishToBeAMotherAndImSoDumb

I probably should have called the image ‘Being Too Selfish To Be A Mother – I’m So Dumb‘, but that really felt uncomfortable. I did two sets of pictures, but 5 minutes apart; the photo above is from the second set. I was going to choose another from the first set, but it seemed unnecessary.

#SoDumbBecauseIDoNotHaveToWorkForNowAndYetIAmSoStressedOut #AndIDecidedToMakeABlogWhichIJustWantToQuit
#ButIHaveInvestedTimeAndMoneyInItAlreadyAndDoNotWantToQuit

I was frustrated, because this is the first time in years that I haven’t had to ‘work work’ (as in have a job), but I’ve given myself more work by making a blog. At this point I was quite far behind with posting stuff, but I feel better now that I’m catching up with myself. I’ll feel better when I’m posting more in real time and not everyday like I am trying to do at the moment.

#SelfishBecauseIWantToWorkOnMyStuff
#SureItIsAboutMotherhoodNowButIDoNotKnow
#INeedToOrganiseMyTimeBetter

Not having to ‘work work’ gives me more time to work on my art stuff, but days are quite long in a weird way. At this point I was trying to do blog posts in the day, but now I usually wait until Tiago has some downtime in the evening so he can look after B and I can do a bit of my work. I feel like I’m more productive in a shorter amount of time as I can’t faff as much anymore.

#ThisMorningIHadACoupleOfNapsButISwearIJustGoToSleepAndBStartsCrying
#ThisHappensInTheNightThough
#SheGoesToSleepThenSheIsCryingAgainAMinuteLaterThoughReallyItIsAWhile

I close my eyes and then she cries. I tell her ‘you’ve just been fed, go back to bed’ (rhyme), but then I look at my phone and see that it’s been 3 hours since I fed her. Sometimes it has been 5 hours and it honestly feels like a minute.

#ICalledTheDoctorsAgainThisAfternoonAsIWasGettingWorriedAboutHerSpotsAndRash
#TheySaidToTryADifferentCreamAndAnotherOneWhichSheWouldGiveUsAPrescriptionFor

It was a steroid cream, and in the end we didn’t use it as the pharmacist seemed a bit hesitant about it because B was so young. We tried sudocrem (as the doctor said we could) and it made a big difference, otherwise I would have tried the cream that we got given. I would have used it sooner if it had been recommended before, but she initially suggested a different one. Typically sudocrem was the only one that we had at home already.

#TiagoWentToGetItAndThenBJustStartedToCry
#IChangedHerNappyAndBottleFedHerExpressedMilkAsDoNotLikeBreastfeedingHerAtTheMomentBecauseIDoNotWantToTouchHerNeckAndRashMuch

Her skin was so bad that I really didn’t want to hold her in any way that I thought might hurt her more. I should have fed her in the lying down position, but I only mastered that recently.

#IThoughtTheMilkWouldBeEnoughAndThenICouldPump
#ButItWasNotEnoughAndSheWasJustCrying
#IShouldHaveExpressedWhileIBottleFedHer

If I was a mind reader things would be a lot different. Knowing when she will wake up/how long she will sleep next, how much she will eat/drink etc – I’d be able to plan things better. But because I don’t know I just have to guess and sometimes I guess wrong…

#SeeingHerSkinJustMakesMeFeelSoGuilty
#IfICouldGoBackInTimeIWouldMakeSureSheAlwaysHadABibOnOrMilkWasCleanedFromHerNeck

On this occasion I’d look at her neck and then just cry. I felt so bad. I hadn’t felt comfortable washing her loads before and that was mainly why it was like this. I’d feel better, then I’d look at her neck and cry again.

#IFeelLikeSuchABadMumAndMaybeIAm
#TheOtherWeekISaidToAGroupThatNowIHaveHadABabyICanFinallyPutMyselfFirst
#WhichMakesNoSenseAsBComesFirst

I felt so awful after I realised what I had said. To be fair at times I still forget I’m a mother, particularly if B is asleep or if T has her and I’m in a different room to them. I’m going to say that I meant as I’m not currently ‘working working’ that it means my art comes first, rather than me even though I am in my work, but maybe I just meant what I said. I definitely don’t feel that way now. I know that B comes first and maybe saying that out loud made me think about things in a different way.

#INeedToChange
#DoingMyArtKeepsMeSaneSoMaybeIJustNeedToBeMoreOrganised
#IShouldNotBeWastingWaterOnTears
#IKeepGettingDehydratedAndCryingDoesNotHelpMyMilkProduction

I feel like I have changed and I am more organised. My art definitely helps me a lot (and helps my family by having a mother/wife who is happier) and knowing that I have time in the evenings to do some things is great if I haven’t managed to do stuff whilst B sleeps in the day.

I (currently) haven’t cried since this day, though I feel like saying that means that another session is imminent. I don’t think so, though I should have said it was the last time I cried for negative reasons – I now often find myself crying tears of joy, because B has smiled at me lots or cooed at me, which I find adorable as the sound is sweet and her lips look so cute. That seems weird to say, but it’s true.

❤ (Because I’m so organised now I’ve signed up for a coding course and in the intro stuff it says to learn how to do the shortcut for bringing up the emojis box. I didn’t know there was a emojis box, but I just brought it up –Mac – press cmd + ctrl + space / Windows -press Win+. or Win+; – and put the heart in because B is adorable.)

Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!

Tags changes, crying, milk spots, motherhood

Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Used My Nipple Shields For The First Time Yesterday (31st July 2020)

Post author By Jocelyn Allen
Post date 19 August 2020

Maybe I had a better picture than this from the shoot, but I feel like this is what I can ‘get away with’ on social media. I’m guessing I used a close-up filter and the camera doesn’t hide the truth – bits of fluff and tiny hairs. I like the little bubbles though.

I was tried keeping the image so my boob was still on the right side and I tried rotating to how it is here. I showed Tiago and he said on the right it was more obvious what it is quicker. I said I wanted it to be more abstract.

He said: Well, it’s less pornographic like [how I’ve posted it].

I joked that I’d save the other pictures for my retrospective when I’m 70 with older boobs and I want to remember when they were young.

(I hope I’ll have a retrospective one day anyways.)

#ILovePhotoShootsThatStartBefore6AM

This was probably the last time that happened, though the other night I was wide awake at 4am and was reading a book.

#IAmNotPuttingMuchPressureOnMyselfToTakePhotos
#OnlyIfIFeelLikeIt

Sometimes I say to myself ‘oh it’s been 5 days since a picture I should do a shoot’ and I think about what I could do. Other times something happens that I want to take a photo and write hashtags about it – like yesterday’s post about a puddle of breastmilk on my skirt.

#IFinishedFeedingBThisMorningAndMyNippleWasRaisedInTheNippleShield
#ByTheTimeISetUpTheShootItHadDeflatedABitButICarriedOnAnyways

I guess I should be pleased that I managed to set it up fairly quickly though… B could have woken up and I wouldn’t have managed to get it whilst it wasn’t completely deflated. I probably would have planned to try again later or put it on my project ‘shoot list’.

#UntilRecentlyIHadBeenBottleFeedingExpressedMilkProbably95PercentOfTheTime

I think yesterday was the first day that I didn’t express/pump at all since she was born. I didn’t start the day thinking I’d do it; it just happened.

#AndOftenTiagoWasBottlefeedingWhileIWasExpressingWhenTiagoCouldHaveBeenSleeping

He hasn’t fed her in the night for a while now, which I feel better about as he needs his sleep when he has to go to work in the morning.

#IDidNotPlanToExpressThatMuchButBecauseIDidItInHospitalIThinkIWasConfidentWithItAndLikedIt

Like I said in a previous post I think I felt quite distant from B after she was born. I was in shock and pumping allowed me to be more distant, which is bad but all is good now. I’m still a bit in shock, but it all feels a bit more natural now.

I feel like a lot of the hashtags don’t need to be explained as they just say what needs to be said, and I’m just repeating a few things in multiple posts.

#WhilstIBreastfedIAppliedCreamToBsNeckAndFace

It’s great because I can reach parts of her neck that are hard to otherwise as she is distracted. Her neck seems to be less scrunched up these days though – perhaps because she has grown and she is building strength.

#SheHasReallyBadMilkSpotsThenOnHerNeckItWasJustAllRedTwoDaysAgo
#WeUsedToPutABibOnHerWhenWeBottleFedHerThenForSomeReasonWeStoppedDoingIt
#SheCanGetQuiteMessyWhilstBeingBreastfedToo
#IThinkWeHadGotBadAtRemovingMilkFromHerNeckAndSoItWentReallyBad
#WhenICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAboutTheSpotsTheySaidToUseSomeCreamForDrySkin
#SheHasHerNeckScrunchedAllTheTimeSoWhileFeedingHerIsTheBestTimeToApplyIt

I’ve talked about her milk spots in the last few posts, but her red neck thing was just awful. I wasn’t very confident with cleaning her neck (or behind her ears), but I had to start doing it as otherwise it was going to get worse. These things take practice, but luckily now I feel quite confident with cleaning her. Simple things, but it can be overwhelming in the beginning. Sorry B!

#IHaveFeltLikeSuchAShitMotherBecauseOfHerSkin
#TheDayBeforeYesterdayIWasSoTiredAndSoUpset

I talk about this in my next post.

#SheDidNotAppearInDanceVideosWithMeBecauseWeWereWorriedAboutHerBeingInTheCarrierWithHerSkin
#BeingScrunchedUpOrGettingTooHotOrHerSkinRubbingEtc

I was going to risk it, but Tiago said no which was for the best. I said yesterday that I dance better without her on me anyways as I can be more free. I would like her to be in them occasionally though, especially as it helps her go to sleep.

#YesterdaySomeoneAskedForDirectionsAndPeeredIntoTheBassinet
#IFeltTheNeedToSaySomethingAboutHerSkinBeforeTheyCouldComment

I talked about this incident yesterday and how random people are standing closer to me and B these days, which is freaking me out.

#NowWeAlwaysUseABibOrJustWipeAwayMilkQuickAndWheneverTheSkinFeelsDryWeApplyCream #ItIsDefinitelyGettingBetterButItWillNotBeFixedOverNight

I am mainly feeding B lying down at the moment on our bed. It’s very comfortable and a have a muslin beneath her, so all the milk can go onto that. I need to get into the habit of wiping her face more again though.

Time passes slow yet fast at the same time and it’s weird how quickly a new habit becomes a thing of the past…

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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Milk Puddle On My Skirt (28th July 2020)

Post author By Jocelyn Allen
Post date 18 August 2020

I feel like this post will be a short one as there isn’t that much to elaborate on.

#IWasHoldingBToMyLeftBoobAndHoldingHerWithMyRightHand
#IKnewIWantedToGetAPictureOfItBeforeItDisappeared
#SoIAwkwardlyTookThisPhotoWithMyPhoneUsingMyLeftHand
#TheFocusIsNotGreatButYouGetTheIdea

I guess from this you can work out that I am right handed, which is one reason why it was awkward to take a picture. I have started to put my phone on timer mode now to try to help me with taking one-handed photos. If the phone is facing me it’s fine, but if it’s not then the flash goes off for the countdown. If I’m trying to take a picture of B then it’s a bit annoying.

Thinking about it I should probably look in my phone settings…

#AfterwardsIJustRubbedItIntoMySkirt

Disgusting? Perhaps a little. It’s funny how quickly you get over being grossed out by things when you have a baby. I just need to remember to not wear leggings out that I have rubbed various things into (baby eye gunk, snot, saliva, breastmilk etc – not poop or wee though, I felt like I had to point that out).

#ILikeHowBSmells
#ThenIRealisedThatMyBreastPadsSmellTheSame
#SoSheMustJustSmellLikeBreastMilk
#ThoughSourBreastMilkOnMyClothesDoesNotSmellAsNice
#SoIAmConfused

I smell like sour breast milk a lot…

#IAmTypingThisWithHerAsleepOnMyKnees

I can tell how much she has grown as it’s not so easy to do this anymore. She is a lot longer and if she is awake I worry that if she pushes her legs into me then she might push herself off… She’s definitely getting stronger.

I use …s too much, but I love them. (Ellipsis, I love them so much I wasn’t sure how to spell it – I searched for ‘ellipses’.)

#HerSkinIsSuperDryFromHavingSoManyMilkSpots
#HerScalpIsAlsoReallyDryAsIStoppedUsingHerMassageBrushBecauseOfSpotsOnHerScalp

I talked about the milk spots in yesterday’s post and I will be talking about it more in posts to come.

#AtLeastSheWillBeWearingAHatWhenWeGoOut
#AndSheWillBeInTheBassinetOfHerPushchairSoPeopleWillNotSeeHerAndJudgeMe
#AtLeastWithThePandemicYouDoNotGetRandomPeopleComingClose

Well more recently random people have been coming closer to me. On one occasion B’s skin was really bad and I felt the need to say something before they did.

#ThoughActuallyIWouldWelcomeSomeChatAsIAmGoingOutAlone
#AndItIsTooWindyToTalkOnThePhone

It is really nice to talk to people, but I want them to keep their distance – particularly if I don’t know them. I see women pushing prams and I want to chat to them, but with the pandemic it puts me off. Plus I don’t like rejection – striking up conversation can be quite random.

#IJustNeedToTryToPutOnHerCardiganAndHatWithoutHerWakingUpOrGettingUpset

I think I achieved this. Winning.

#ThenHopefullySheWillLikeTheBassinetAgainToday

She doesn’t seem to care. She falls asleep pretty much anywhere. Rhyme.

#ILookForwardToOurDailyWalk

It is nice to get out. I feel like I’m quicker at getting out the flat these days and also I’ve breastfed in public yesterday and today, so I’m less worried about doing it now. Though I was with people on those occasions and both times someone else was breastfeeding too, but it does help with my confidence and learning how to arrange my clothing whilst being as discreet as possible.

#SometimesIGetIdeasAndOtherTimesIEnjoyThinkingAboutNotMuchAtAll

Kind of like in the shower. Sometimes I solve a problem, sometimes I get an idea or sometimes of think about nothing/rubbish and it’s all good.

Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!

Tags breast milk, breastfeeding, milk spots, motherhood

Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Baby Fingernails, Stubbed Toe (24th July 2020)

Post author By Jocelyn Allen
Post date 17 August 2020

#IWasThinkingOfTakingAPhotoOfHerHandOnMyHand

I had imagined a nice, cute picture of her hand on mine recording the difference in size. I’ll have to do it some other time.

#ButThenIRememberedThatIStubbedMyToeBadlyOnTheSofaLegYesterday
#SoIPutMyToeNextToHerHandInsteadObviously

But of course I’m the kind of person who then stubs their toe and thinks that I should put it next to my baby’s hand instead. It doesn’t even really look that bad in the picture, but it got worse as the day went on.

I stub my toes quite a lot, though I thought I hadn’t hit it as hard as previous times but afterwards it hurt more. I had moved the sofa to do dance videos and there was less space to walk by it than usual, so obviously the one time I’m not wearing my sandals I kick the sofa leg. I usually hurt them on the bed or something. Perhaps it doesn’t look that bad because the bedsheet is more purple.

(My feet looks quite tanned compared to B’s hand. I guess I’ve been wearing sandals a lot and B isn’t in the sun very much.)

#MaybeYouCanSeeHowBadlyICutHerFingerNailsLastNight
#NotBadForTheFirstAttemptReally
#IHadBeenFilingThemButTheyWereStillQuiteLongAndSharp

I’ve cut them again since, but I think I did a better job that time; I need to start cutting them and then filing them. She’s started to grab me a bit more, so I probably should for our safety.

#AndSheHasReallyBadMilkSpotsAtTheMomentSoIDoNotWantHerScratching

Oh those milk spots. I said in my last post that in a few posts time I’ll talk about crying again. Well her skin problems were the main reason why I got upset…

#AndIDoNotLikePuttingTheMittenPartOfHerOnesiesOverHerHandsAllTheTime
#AsPerhapsSheJustWantsHerHandsToBeFree

I feel like I’m depriving her by putting them away all the time; I should only really do it when she sleeps. I haven’t used the mittens in a while though…

#SheLikesToSleepWithHerArmsOutWideOrAboveHerHead

So adorable. We did swaddle her more in the beginning and we thought about buying a swaddle rather than using a blanket, but we haven’t done it in a while either.

#ICalledTheDoctorsAboutHerSpotsAsTheyLookedReallyBadLastNight

She just said to use some cream if the skin feels dry and that milk spots are super common.

#TheFirstTimeWasBecauseHerEyeLookedSwollenAndIHaveToDoATearDuctMassage

She had probably been scratching it, but her eyes get gunky and I have to clean them a lot. Their tear ducts get blocked easily at this age. It seems to be getting bad again, so I need to keep doing this massage:

#BothTimesIHaveJustHadToSendPhotosAndIHopeAppointmentsLikeThisContinue
#AsGoingToTheDoctorsForTheseThingsWouldBeSoStressfulAndTakeSoMuchTime

I’ve mentioned how great doctor’s appointments are near me at the moment a few times on this blog (I’m sure it’s a similar situation in the rest of the UK, but I don’t know for sure). It must be better for doctors with less people missing appointments/being late, and like I said I don’t have to stress about leaving home. Speaking of stressed about leaving home…

#IHadAQuickShowerThenTheBuildingsFireAlarmStartedToGoOffAsIWasGettingDressed
#TiagoIsOutAtWorkForTheSecondTimeSinceLockdown
#BWasAsleepAndIGotStressedOutThinkingAboutWhatINeededToDoToGetHerReadyToGoOutside

Of course I had just gotten out of the shower and was getting dressed when it went off. I had never heard it go off before. I just kind of froze in panic. It would have been different if Tiago was there, but obviously he wasn’t. I just didn’t know what to do.

Do I carry her? Put her in a carrier? Put her in a car seat? Put her in the pushchair? Do I put her in a cardigan? Do I change her clothes? Do I bring a bottle in case I feel awkward feeding her? What if we are out there for hours?

#NextTimeIWouldJustTakeHerAsSheIsAndGrabSomeStuffForInCaseWeWereOutsideForALongTime

I should have just grabbed some stuff quickly, put it in a bag and sorted her out once we got outside. Hopefully I won’t have to worry about it again, but next time I’d just get us out ASAP as you never know if it’s real or not.

(Then perhaps too many unnecessary hashtags about me interacting with neighbours/wanting to interact with neighbours.)

I saw two next door neighbours once during lockdown and I wasn’t even sure if they were the neighbours I’d seen before. I don’t know if they noticed that I was pregnant. Were they surprised to hear a baby a few months later? The other next door neighbour/s I might have seen once but I don’t remember. I feel like the one I saw a bit moved out. It’s a shame as in London we knew one neighbour and I thought we would know more here. The day that we moved in we chatted to a guy who lived in our building and he seemed nice, but we haven’t seen him since. So yeah, I’d be keen to know our neighbours more.

The way we spoke to people in our last building was by looking after their post, because it used to get stolen a lot. Here it doesn’t seem to be a problem though…

#ThenIThoughtIWouldDoThisShootWhilstBWasStillAsleepOnTheBed

The alarm was going off right outside our door, so I was also worried about subjecting B to that noise. How she slept through it all I don’t know, but she did and we did a shoot. Hurrah!

Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!

Tags baby fingernails, baby skin, blocked tear duct, crigler massage, doctors, fire alarm, massage, milk spots, parenthood, stubbed toe

Oh Me, Oh Mãe

It Feels So Good To Lie On My Front Again (Maybe Not On A Wooden Floor Though) (21st July 2020)

Post author By Jocelyn Allen
Post date 16 August 2020

When I wrote the hashtags I gave the image the temporary name of ‘Lying on my front again is so weird’. Sometimes the temporary name becomes permanent or often it’s just a reminder to think of something else along those lines.

Lying on my front again was weird, but I am also loving it – which isn’t so obvious through the image as showcasing a new love by lying on a hard wooden floor probably wasn’t the best idea.

**It Feels So Good To Lie On My Front Again (Maybe Not On A Wooden Floor Though) (21st July 2020)**

#IAmWritingTheseHashtagsBeforeIDoTheShootAgain
#BWillNotBeByHerselfMuchToday
#SheFinallyWentForASleepInACarrierWhilstIWentForAWalkAndWentToThePhotoGalleryToSeeACoupleOfFriendsWhoWorkThere
#TheyWereInTheirMasksAndTheGalleryStillWillNotOpenForACoupleOfMonths
#SoIAmWritingThisWithMyStandUpDeskThingWhileSheIsAsleepInHerCarrier
#IMightNotBeAbleToPutHerDownLongEnoughToDoAShoot
#AndThisIsTheFirstDayThatTiagoHasGoneToSomethingWorkRelatedOutsideOfTheFlatSinceMarch
#SoIMightHaveToWaitUntilLateTonightOrUntilTomorrow
#IAmGuessingThisPhotoWillShowMeLyingOMyFront
#INeverSleptOnMyFrontMuchThoughMaybeIDidButIDidNotHaveToThinkAboutIt
#BeingPregnantYouThinkAboutHowYouAreLyingALot
#LuckilyIWasMoreOfASideSleeperButItIsSaidThatLyingOnYourLeftIsTheBestWayToSleep
#AsItHelpsWithBloodFlowAndStuff
#IWantedToLieOnMyFrontAtTimesButObviouslyItWasImpossible
#AndIWouldWakeUpOnMyBackALot
#ProbablyBecauseOfMovingInMySleepAndTheWeightOfMyBumpTippingMeOver
#OrBecauseIJustWantedToLieOnMyBack
#WhenIWasInHospitalAfterGivingBirthITriedToLieOnMyFrontButItWasStillTooWeird
#MyUterusWasShrinkingDownForAGoodWhile
#IFirstLayOnMyFrontABitACoupleOrSoWeeksAgoWhenIDidAPostNatalExerciseVideoForTheFirstTime
#DoingAPlankFeltWeirdButThenDoingChaturangaAndBabyCobraWasOdd
#NowILikeToLieOnMyFrontABitInBed
#ThoughIfMyBoobsAreFullOfMilkItIsAlsoPainful
#IThinkMyStitchesMustHaveHealedByNowButILikeToBringMyKneeUpToo
#WhichIsPerhapsABitMuchButINeedToStretchEverythingOutIGuess
#IAmStillBleedingALittleLittleBit
#ThoughIWasWorriedItWouldBePeriodLikePainFor6WeeksButIDoNotFeelAnything
#IJustSearchedPeriodsAndBreastfeeding
#ApparentlyTheBleedingIsCalledLochiaIndItIsAMixOfBloodMucusAndTissueFromTheLiningOfTheUterus
#BreastfeedingAffectsYourPeriodSoWhoKnowsWhenIWillHaveAPeriodAgainButIAmNotLookingForwardToIt

It took me a bit of time to choose which image I wanted to use to represent the hashtags, but in the end I went for this one (obviously). I like the awkward hand peering out, though I’m not a fan of my remote being in shot. Tyra Banks would also be annoyed at my lack of neck, but whatever.

Bonus image:

It Feels So Good To Lie On My Front Again (Maybe Not On A Wooden Floor Though) (21st July 2020) II

I just took it to test out where the camera was pointed, but I quite liked it. The stain on my dress (maybe I’d just done the washing up actually?) and my space socks. I only just realised today that one of them is inside out, which I guess says a lot about getting dressed with a young baby. The inside out sock was what sold having to post it.

So, expanding on some hashtags:

#BWillNotBeByHerselfMuchToday

I had to read this a few times. I was like why won’t she? Why wouldn’t she? But reading on I realised that I meant she wouldn’t stay by herself much without getting upset.

#SheFinallyWentForASleepInACarrierWhilstIWentForAWalkAndWentToThePhotoGalleryToSeeACoupleOfFriendsWhoWorkThere
#TheyWereInTheirMasksAndTheGalleryStillWillNotOpenForACoupleOfMonths

It was nice to see them, though it’s odd to go to a place that you used to go to a lot before and realise how much the world has changed – people in masks, it being closed for now etc. I’d said to them that when my baby was born I was going to stop by a lot to see them and to make sure I was getting out for a walk. I’ve only stopped by a couple of times so far, but hopefully that will change soon.

#SoIAmWritingThisWithMyStandUpDeskThingWhileSheIsAsleepInHerCarrier

At one point I was putting a little table on top of the dining table in order to be able to work standing up, but then a laptop stand that I ordered on Kickstarter MONTHS before arrived. I use both of them these days; I used the little table the other day to edit my dance videos whilst B was in a wrap. She fell asleep whilst I danced and I wanted to sort stuff out whilst she continued to sleep. I was worried that if I put her down she would wake up and I wouldn’t get stuff done for a while.

#IMightNotBeAbleToPutHerDownLongEnoughToDoAShoot

It looks like I managed to do the shoot an hour later (I couldn’t remember, I had to check when files were made).

#AndThisIsTheFirstDayThatTiagoHasGoneToSomethingWorkRelatedOutsideOfTheFlatSinceMarch

It was weird having him leave the flat to go to work. Luckily I had enough time to adapt to having a baby to not be totally freaked out. It was fine really.

#IAmGuessingThisPhotoWillShowMeLyingOMyFront

Correct. (Obviously you know that I just felt like saying that. I say obviously too much in these posts.)

#INeverSleptOnMyFrontMuchThoughMaybeIDidButIDidNotHaveToThinkAboutIt
#BeingPregnantYouThinkAboutHowYouAreLyingALot

I don’t think I slept on my front much, but like I said I never really thought about it so maybe I did. Perhaps I did as I had an urge to lie on my front from time to time, as I mention in the #IWantedToLieOnMyFrontAtTimesButObviouslyItWasImpossible hashtag.

#LuckilyIWasMoreOfASideSleeperButItIsSaidThatLyingOnYourLeftIsTheBestWayToSleep
#AsItHelpsWithBloodFlowAndStuff

Looking online it says it’s to do with a large vein down your back on the right side called the vena cava. It carries blood to your heart, which then goes to the baby. Apparently lying on your left side also helps with kidney and liver function, which means you should get less swelling in your ankles, feet and hands. I didn’t have much swelling, but I thought it might have been down to exercising a few times a day?

#AndIWouldWakeUpOnMyBackALot
#ProbablyBecauseOfMovingInMySleepAndTheWeightOfMyBumpTippingMeOver
#OrBecauseIJustWantedToLieOnMyBack

It would freak me out when I woke up on my back, though at times I was too tired to register how I had slept. I guess you’d know if you really had to roll over ASAP, but I mainly tried to sleep on my left until it was uncomfortable and I’d have to sit up to be able to switch to my right.

#WhenIWasInHospitalAfterGivingBirthITriedToLieOnMyFrontButItWasStillTooWeird

It was sooo weird. I think I also tried to lie on my back, but that also made my belly feel strange.

#IFirstLayOnMyFrontABitACoupleOrSoWeeksAgoWhenIDidAPostNatalExerciseVideoForTheFirstTime #DoingAPlankFeltWeirdButThenDoingChaturangaAndBabyCobraWasOdd

I was on a mat on the wooden floor and it felt pretty hard, and just really odd doing things that I hadn’t done for a long time. I think I’ve tried to go back to ‘normal’ exercise too quickly. I was doing a 30 days of yoga thing recently, but then I read more about Diastasis Recti and I think I need to work on closing that gap still.

The video above explains it a bit. I was doing it a while ago, but I didn’t take it that seriously.

Then I watched this video:

And I thought I better change these habits. I didn’t think that I was picking B up like how she demonstrates is wrong, but then I caught myself doing it 2 times today. I also haven’t been rolling to my side first, so that’s changing, and it also mentions slouching whilst feeding. If she had seen how I was feeding in hospital she would have been appalled… I slouch a lot though so I’m trying to correct that.

I’ve been using an app to remind me to do Kegels, and I think that may have helped a bit. I’m not sure, but at the hospital they said to do 10 sets of 10 today unless I want to regret not doing it when I’m older. I think it has made a difference as thinking about it lately when I’ve sneezed I haven’t been like ‘that was a close call’.

#NowILikeToLieOnMyFrontABitInBed
#ThoughIfMyBoobsAreFullOfMilkItIsAlsoPainful

These days I fall asleep on my front with my arms hugging the underside of my pillow a lot. I have to move my boobs up to the pillow a bit more if they feel sore. That’s the start of a rhyme…

#IThinkMyStitchesMustHaveHealedByNowButILikeToBringMyKneeUpToo
#WhichIsPerhapsABitMuchButINeedToStretchEverythingOutIGuess

At an 8 week check-up they said they’d healed well, but there is a bit of scar tissue. Hopefully that will soften up.

#ApparentlyTheBleedingIsCalledLochiaIndItIsAMixOfBloodMucusAndTissueFromTheLiningOfTheUterus

I love learning new facts by researching when writing hashtags, though I didn’t learn about the vena cava until today…

#BreastfeedingAffectsYourPeriodSoWhoKnowsWhenIWillHaveAPeriodAgainButIAmNotLookingForwardToIt

The doctor at my 8 week check said that breastfeeding can act as a natural contraceptive, but she recommends using other forms. I wouldn’t take the risk, particularly after hearing that a woman opposite me on the hospital ward was breastfeeding her newborn, whilst her 10 month old baby was at home. Maybe it was her plan, but I highly doubt it. If you don’t want that to be the case for you, then I’d suggest that you play safe…

Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!

Tags diastasis recti, kegels, motherhood, parenthood, sleeping

Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Crying In My Nan’s Kitchen (16th July 2020)

Post author By Jocelyn Allen
Post date 15 August 2020

Like yesterday’s post, this is also awkward to share.

I’m glad that I only (currently) have to talk about me crying once more and it’s not for another 5 more posts.

**Crying In My Nan’s Kitchen (16^th July 2020)**

Just had a cry in the kitchen. I was sorting out lunch and I ate all my food in there too.

I’m visiting family and I don’t like being told that I’m doing things wrong or don’t know what is wrong with my own baby.

Okay I don’t know everything, but baby acne is a thing. And how I’m feeling goes beyond this one incident, it’s not the first time I’ve felt judged.

My life has completely changed, whereas Tiago has his job still. I have my art still, but with writing and pictures like this it makes me feel like I’m just making work about my own failures.

I produce her food so feeding is stressful for me – am I producing enough milk? – whereas Tiago does not have the same feelings around it.

I have started to breastfeed her more, which I guess is odd as by now people are perhaps doing the opposite – she is now 5 weeks old. Though tomorrow all her meals could just be delivered via bottle again. It depends on how me and my nipples are feeling.

I just want to sleep. I wake up feeling knackered, but then I feel so wide awake.

I’m writing this as B snuffles on my boob and I need to take more time to appreciate her, as she has already grown up so fast.

Maybe making a project isn’t the best use of my time, but I need it to still feel like me and hopefully saying this stuff out loud in its full awkwardness will help someone else.

I’m elegantly wiping my nose in the photo, though I’ve just realised that it fits my love of hands in pictures. I like when they appear looking a bit odd. I’m guessing I probably was quite aware of how my hand looked. You can also see the long fingernail that in the end I cut as I was worried that I was going to accidentally poke B in the eye with it…

I wrote the text on my phone as I was upset and just wanted to write quickly, so I decided to not think about it in hashtags form. I could have changed it to be that way, but like I’ve said before with this project I want to experiment with different forms of writing if I feel like it.

So to comment on the text:

Just had a cry in the kitchen. I was sorting out lunch and I ate all my food in there too.

I cried in the kitchen, but I took the photo in the utility room, which is next to it. You don’t need to know that really, but in case someone who has been there is reading this I don’t want them to be like ‘excuse me but…’. Why did I take it there? I think I naturally gravitate towards a blank wall to take pictures and this was the nearest blank wall that meant I wasn’t showing my tears to anyone else. (Though I didn’t stand right next to it, so there is a bit of mirror creeping in but it makes the location more identifiable for me at least.) I think I also wrote the text in that room.

I ate my food in the kitchen as I wanted to stop crying before I sat down, and it obviously took me a while to.

I’m visiting family and I don’t like being told that I’m doing things wrong or don’t know what is wrong with my own baby.
Okay I don’t know everything, but baby acne is a thing. And how I’m feeling goes beyond this one incident, it’s not the first time I’ve felt judged.

So B had a lot of milk spots (later confirmed by the doctor) and my Nan had never heard of them. They weren’t lovely to look at, but they got a lot worse in the week after (which is partially why I have another crying post). Milk spots are super common and don’t need any treatment, but after feeling not very confident with my mothering feeling judged about them really didn’t help.

It was hard after just being at home feeling like our parenting skills were being watched closely (as even usual people who would visit at/by this point like the health visitor weren’t able to because of Covid). I know people mean well when they give advice, but it’s not always welcome. Particularly if the baby is all well and good.

My life has completely changed, whereas Tiago has his job still. I have my art still, but with writing and pictures like this it makes me feel like I’m just making work about my own failures.

I guess it’s understandable that I initially found my new life weird and somewhat hard. It’s a massive life shift after things were pretty much the same for years and years (even with moving from London to Liverpool my life didn’t change that much). I realised during lockdown that I wouldn’t even get some kind of goodbye to my pre-baby life. I had done things for the last time whilst not being a mother that I hadn’t even realised were my last time – just simple things like going to a restaurant, to a gallery, to the cinema, on holiday etc. I’m not really upset about it, but it was a weird realisation.

I produce her food so feeding is stressful for me – am I producing enough milk? – whereas Tiago does not have the same feelings around it.

Things will be different when she starts to eat ‘normal’ food, but for now it is kind of odd that she relies on me to produce what she eats/drinks. Obviously formula exists, but for now I provide her food. It really is bizarre, but kind of cool.

I have started to breastfeed her more, which I guess is odd as by now people are perhaps doing the opposite – she is now 5 weeks old. Though tomorrow all her meals could just be delivered via bottle again. It depends on how me and my nipples are feeling.

It doesn’t matter what other people are doing. I am mainly breastfeeding her, but Tiago is again bottle feeding her whilst I write this. Fun fact: I haven’t put nipple cream on for a few days now so they must be hardening up. I remember a ‘Mum friend’ saying the other week that she doesn’t need to use it anymore and I was like ‘whoa’. I guess it’s not a big deal, but it’s been a noticeable thing for me. Before I used to rush to put it on after every feed.

I just want to sleep. I wake up feeling knackered, but then I feel so wide awake.

Yeah, I want to sleep now. This morning T bottle fed her whilst I slept a bit longer, but usually I wake up and sort B out and plan to go back to sleep. By the time I can sleep again though I’m usually feeling super awake.

I’m writing this as B snuffles on my boob and I need to take more time to appreciate her, as she has already grown up so fast.

We saw a friend today and she said how tiny B is, but B seems so big to me now. She’s definitely growing and changing day by day. I’m excited for the future, but I also don’t want her to grow up too fast.

Maybe making a project isn’t the best use of my time, but I need it to still feel like me and hopefully saying this stuff out loud in its full awkwardness will help someone else.

It is definitely therapeutic making my project and doing it makes me feel like me. This is what I do. I make work about myself and my life, gradually getting more honest about things and feeling more awkward about it. Though the project has changed, making my artwork is the main consistent thing that connects me to my ‘past life’.

I feel less apologetic about making this project though. ‘Oh Me, Oh Mãe’ (the title of it) and my pregnancy project are perhaps more relatable than previous series and I sincerely hope they might help someone.

I’ve learned so much since becoming pregnant – a bit about myself, but a lot about the human body. Things that you don’t really get told about until you ‘join the club’ or maybe I just was ignorant to a lot of things before.

It’s still early days and I have a lot to learn, but I’m excited. I just need to keep up a good life balance (as best as I can) and learn to rest more. Fingers crossed.

Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!

Tags crying, milk spots, motherhood, parenthood

Oh Me, Oh Mãe

My Baby Is A Brick Wall (14th July 2020)

Post author By Jocelyn Allen
Post date 14 August 2020

Whether to have the title as a simile or a metaphor? I went with metaphor…

My Baby Is A Brick Wall (14th July 2020)

#IHaveBeenABitEmotionalThisMorning
#IFeelABitDetachedFromBAtTimes
#WhilstTiagoSaysHeCanNotBelieveHowMuchHeIsInLoveWithHer
#IAmHappyHeFeelsThisWayAboutHer
#IHaveNeverBeenAMassiveFanOfNewbornsAsIFeelLikeTheyDoNotDoMuch
#ThoughIHaveAlwaysSaidItMustBeDifferentWhenItIsYourOwnChildAsYouSeeTheSmallChanges
#IThinkWhatIFindMostDifficultIsThatIFeelLikeIAmNotGettingMuchBackFromHerEmotionally
#SheIsStartingToSmileThoughIThinkItIsMostlyOnAccident
#WhenSheSmilesPurposefullyIThinkIWillFeelDifferentAsAtTheMomentItFeelsLikeSheIsABrickWall
#ILoveToMakePeopleLaughAndThereIsNoBetterSoundInTheWorldThanABabyLaughing
#IFindMyselfPullingTheSameFacesAndDoingThingsThatMakeMyNieceLaughAndIGetNothingOrAFrownBackFromB
#IJustHadAnOnlineSearchAndGigglingIsFromMonth3Or4AndSheIsJust1Month
#ThePurposefulSmilesStartBetween6And12Weeks
#IGuessWeKnowWhenSheIsContentWhichIsWhenSheIsNotCrying
#ButINeedMoreOfAnIndicationThatIAmDoingAGoodJob
#ISupposeIJustHaveToWaitAndMaybeLaterIWillFeelBetter
#IAlsoFeelGuiltyThatWeHaveStartedToGiveHerADummy
#ThoughIOnlyFeelGuiltyAsIWorryWhatPeopleThink
#IKnowItIsTheBestThingForMyFamily
#PeopleCanBeSoJudgmentalAboutAllThingsParentingAndLifeInGeneral
#IfWeWantAdviceWeWillAskForIt
#WeStartedToGiveHerADummyAsSheWasAlwaysJustRestingWithTheBottleTeatOrANippleInHerMouthAndNotDrinking
#INeverHadADummyAsABabyButISuckedMyThumbAndTwiddledMyHairALotInstead
#IAlsoToldTiagoThatINeedABitMoreAttention
#AGoodHugBeforeSleepOrWhateverAsItMakesABigDifferenceToMe
#IGuessIDoGetABitJealousSeeingBGetAllHisAttention
#ThatSeemsHardToAdmitButMostlyBecauseIKnowOneDayIWillShareAllOfThis
#TheLastFewDaysIHaveStartedToReadToBMoreToMakeSureIHaveSomeGoodQualityTimeWithHer
#ItFeelsLikeSettingUpABlogWasNotTheSmartestThingToDoRightNowButIGuessItIsBecauseIPutTooMuchPressureOnMyselfAndItShouldBeMoreCasual
#IThinkIFeelRubbishBecauseThisIsMyFirstShootInNearlyAWeekAndIFeelMyWorstWhenIAmNotMakingWork

Sometimes I focus so much on explaining the hashtags that I forget to talk about the photos (I am writing this after I already pressed publish.)

The idea with the picture is that I’m looking away/facing a wall and not showing you the expression on my face. I wasn’t trying to hide a teary face or anything, it just seemed fitting.

(You can also see how long the nail was on the little finger of my left hand. It looked horrible, but it became a weird thing of ‘how long can I grow this’, but I cut my nails in the end as I was worried that I would poke her in the eye with one of them.)

#IFeelABitDetachedFromBAtTimes

I have been thinking about this a bit and I think this is another reason why I chose to express rather than breastfeed so much. This meant that Tiago could feed her more and it allowed me to keep my distance. Perhaps I was overwhelmed, which seems understandable.

I think it was just such a bizarre thing and I couldn’t get my head around the fact that I had grown a human inside me and now they were here demanding my attention and my body. I hadn’t needed to be this responsible in my whole life and now I had to be. I hope she doesn’t read this in the future and think I disliked her or something. I just needed some time to adjust and get my head around her existence and what was expected of me, and now I have.

I say think too much. Sometimes I am not sure, but other times I know and I try to distance myself from my feelings a little. It is hard saying things about myself that make me look bad, but as always I admit it in hope that it helps someone else.

#WhilstTiagoSaysHeCanNotBelieveHowMuchHeIsInLoveWithHer

Tiago stepped up, whereas I stepped back. I’m so glad she has such a loving father. (I’m getting emotional writing this.)

#IHaveNeverBeenAMassiveFanOfNewbornsAsIFeelLikeTheyDoNotDoMuch #ThoughIHaveAlwaysSaidItMustBeDifferentWhenItIsYourOwnChildAsYouSeeTheSmallChanges

Yep. In the past people I know had babies and I ran away a bit. To be fair it was because I thought they wanted time to be in a baby bubble, but after having a kid myself I was keen to get out and socialise though I didn’t always feel confident. (Covid got and still gets in the way of this though.) I also just didn’t feel confident around newborns, even though I was 10+ when my little sister was born and I was confident with her then. That was a long time ago though. I felt nervous holding my niece and being around her when she was 6 months old, but I quickly got used to her to be fair.

I just need time to adapt, though sometimes I only need minutes and other times I need weeks apparently. Sleep deprivation probably didn’t help speed things up either.

#IThinkWhatIFindMostDifficultIsThatIFeelLikeIAmNotGettingMuchBackFromHerEmotionally
#SheIsStartingToSmileThoughIThinkItIsMostlyOnAccident
#WhenSheSmilesPurposefullyIThinkIWillFeelDifferentAsAtTheMomentItFeelsLikeSheIsABrickWall

Oh I used a simile for the hashtag, but a metaphor for the title. Interesting. Having her smile and react to me really is amazing though and it has made a huge difference.

This afternoon I was singing her Old MacDonald Had A Farm (as an app I have said it’s good for them to see the shapes your mouth pulls) and then Hey Baby by DJ Otzi (quite randomly, not sure where that song came from in my head). Whilst I was singing she was staring at me intently and then started to touch my face a lot. Maybe the face touching was not that intentional, but it seemed like she was exploring my face.

#ILoveToMakePeopleLaughAndThereIsNoBetterSoundInTheWorldThanABabyLaughing #IFindMyselfPullingTheSameFacesAndDoingThingsThatMakeMyNieceLaughAndIGetNothingOrAFrownBackFromB
#IJustHadAnOnlineSearchAndGigglingIsFromMonth3Or4AndSheIsJust1Month

I really can’t wait until she giggles. A health visitor came today and they asked if B is chuckling. I said no, but she said she meant looking like she was chuckling but not making the sound. She does do that at times.

She is over 2 months now so it’s not too long to wait! It was nice to just have a good playtime with her this afternoon, and now that I am writing these blog posts in the evening when Tiago looks after her for a bit I feel more relaxed in the day.

#ISupposeIJustHaveToWaitAndMaybeLaterIWillFeelBetter

I definitely feel better. I haven’t cried in 2 weeks, which was probably close to when she started to smile properly. I’ve also got a better work/life balance going on at the moment and I’m feeling productive. This answers the last hashtag (#IThinkIFeelRubbishBecauseThisIsMyFirstShootInNearlyAWeekAndIFeelMyWorstWhenIAmNotMakingWork).

#IAlsoFeelGuiltyThatWeHaveStartedToGiveHerADummy #ThoughIOnlyFeelGuiltyAsIWorryWhatPeopleThink
#IKnowItIsTheBestThingForMyFamily

Like I said yesterday I don’t feel bad about this anymore. It is the best thing for my family.

#PeopleCanBeSoJudgmentalAboutAllThingsParentingAndLifeInGeneral
#IfWeWantAdviceWeWillAskForIt

Just realised that I spelt judgmental wrong (I put judgemental) and so I had to replace it in 6 places… but yeah people are judgmental and I judge people too, though I’m trying to do less of that. I generally try to put myself in other people’s shoes and think about how they feel and why they act the way they do or do certain things.

#IAlsoToldTiagoThatINeedABitMoreAttention
#AGoodHugBeforeSleepOrWhateverAsItMakesABigDifferenceToMe
#IGuessIDoGetABitJealousSeeingBGetAllHisAttention
#ThatSeemsHardToAdmitButMostlyBecauseIKnowOneDayIWillShareAllOfThis

It definitely is hard admitting this stuff/saying it out loud to a possible audience. I thought about deleting it but it defeats the point of this blog really. I know I’m not the first person to feel this way and so it feels somewhat important to share it. When I say jealous though it’s not in a mean/hateful way though, it’s more of a casual jealousy if that makes sense?

Maybe this is why I felt distant too? Now we sometimes have good quality time as a family. It’ll be nice when she is the age where she can give and receive hugs properly. Family hugs! (heart emoji)

#TheLastFewDaysIHaveStartedToReadToBMoreToMakeSureIHaveSomeGoodQualityTimeWithHer

Yep, quality time. So important. I find myself singing the books to her and like I said I sang to her a lot earlier. I think my singing voice is getting a little better which is a nice side effect, though maybe I really sound like a screeching cat. I think quality time will get even more special as she gets older and responds more. If she’s how she is now after 9 weeks, then I know she will be doing so much more very soon. It’s exciting! These hashtags are quite negative, but I really am more positive about everything and more excited about watching her grow.

#ItFeelsLikeSettingUpABlogWasNotTheSmartestThingToDoRightNowButIGuessItIsBecauseIPutTooMuchPressureOnMyselfAndItShouldBeMoreCasual

Referencing my blog in my work, how fun. I definitely feel like I’m enjoying the blog more these days though. This is post 14 of the current 27 that need to be made, so at this rate it will probably take me at least 3 weeks to catch up on myself depending on how much I shoot and if I skip some days.

This blog is a really good exercise in just saying what I think as I don’t have time to make up lies or skip around things too much.

The hashtags are a good exercise in themselves, but expanding on them like I do in this blog is another level in terms of pushing myself out of my comfort zone and feeling confident with my words.

Hearing friends who just had babies say that they read certain blog posts really pushes me on too.

Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!

Tags brick wall, motherhood, new parents, parenthood, smiling

Oh Me, Oh Mãe

It Still Feels Weird To Say That I Am A Mother (8th July 2020)

Post author By Jocelyn Allen
Post date 13 August 2020

#InThePhotoIHaveMyArmLikeIAmBreastfeedingHerThoughItMightNotBeThatAccurate

I am aware that it looks like I am just touching/cupping my boob. I am actually pretending to hold B whilst I am feeding her, though like I said I’m not sure how accurate this is without her being there. (My arm should probably be lower.)

**It Still Feels Weird To Say That I Am A Mother (8^th July 2020)**

#CanNotBelieveThatBIsAlready4WeeksOld
#TheTimeHasGoneFastButAlsoSlow
#ICanSeeHowMuchSheHasGrownAlready
#IFeelLikeSheHasSmiledAFewTimesThoughSometimesIThinkItIsToDoWithWindOrPooping
#YesBeingAMotherIsGlamorous
#IAmWearingOneOfMyNursingDressesThoughIAmYetToNurseInPublic
#ThoughIHaveUsedThemToFeedOrExpressInOtherPeoplesHouses
#SinceBeingInHospitalIFeelMoreSociableSoIWantToSeeMorePeople
#YetIStillFeelAwkwardGoingForWalksAsWhereDoIChangeHerWhenNowhereIsOpenOrIFeelScaredToGoInsideSomewhere
#IStillMoveALotBetweenBreastfeedingAndExpressingAndBottlefeeding
#WithBreastfeedingIJustHaveToUnlatchHerIfSheHasABadLatchThenPutHerOnAgain
#IThinkItIsALotBetterNowThatHerMouthIsBigger
#LastNightIHadSuchABigHeadacheSoTiagoHadToFeedHerMostOfTheNightWhilstIJustWokeUpToExpress
#IFeelLikeABadWifeAsHeHasToGoToWorkAndThereHeIsDoingMostOfTheWorkWhenHeNeedsHisSleepButTonightIWillAimToDoBetter
#WeWentToBedEarlyLastNightAsWellWhichHelps
#ItIsNoGoodGoingToBedLateWhenYouFeelAlrightAsYouWakeUpInTheNightFeelingAbsolutelyAwful
#SoItIsBestToSleepWhenTheySleep
#SaysMeNotDoingThatRightNow
#FeelingBadAsLastNightWeGaveHerADummyForTheFirstTimeAsSheLikesToSuckOnTheBottleOrMyNippleWithoutDrinkingAnything
#ReadingAboutHowACelebrityThoughtSheHadNoOtherChoiceThanToHaveACSectionWithHerBreechBaby
#TheyWantedMeToHaveACSectionAndALotOfPeopleThinkThatIsTheOnlyOption
#ThoughBeforeTechnologyAndEverythingPeopleDidNotKnowAnyDifferent
#SoIfICanRaiseSomeAwarenessThatThereAreOptionsThenThatIsGood
#TodayIDecidedToBeUnapologeticAboutSharingMyWork
#HavingBHasChangedMeSoMuchForTheBetterAlready
#IHopeSheContinuesToInspirePositiveChangeInMeAndThatInTheFutureICanInspireHer
#ItStillFeelsWeirdToSayIAmAMotherButAtTheSameTimeICanNotReallyRememberLifeWithoutB
#MyLeftHandAndArmAreGettingSoStrongFromMainlyHoldingHerWhenIDoBreastfeed
#InThePhotoIHaveMyArmLikeIAmBreastfeedingHerThoughItMightNotBeThatAccurate
#IAlsoFeelTheNeedToCommentThatIAmStillBleedingALittleBit

#CanNotBelieveThatBIsAlready4WeeksOld #TheTimeHasGoneFastButAlsoSlow #ICanSeeHowMuchSheHasGrownAlready

I seem to cover the same stuff everyday really, but I guess that’s the reality of looking after a newborn – they poop, they eat, they sleep, and they grow. I just looked to see when they stop being a newborn and the internet says 2 months, and she’s now an ‘infant’.

#IFeelLikeSheHasSmiledAFewTimesThoughSometimesIThinkItIsToDoWithWindOrPooping

She is now ‘proper’ smiling and it is amazing. I also say this everyday, but it’s true.

#YesBeingAMotherIsGlamorous

So many conversations about poo, wee, burps and sick…

#IAmWearingOneOfMyNursingDressesThoughIAmYetToNurseInPublic

I’ve only breastfed in public once and I think I was wearing this dress. It has a lot of marks on it. I might have just done the washing up, but I can’t remember – it’s quite possible as I was always sterilising bottles and I generally do the washing up. Exciting facts.

#SinceBeingInHospitalIFeelMoreSociableSoIWantToSeeMorePeople

Today I felt a big need to get out and talk to other people. We had our last online baby class today (of a course that we booked on to). I started to log on as class was starting though, had my camera off (to be fair today it was so hot that I was in my underwear) and log off before the chat started. I feel a bit awkward with some things. I want to just sit and chat crap with people in real life…

#YetIStillFeelAwkwardGoingForWalksAsWhereDoIChangeHerWhenNowhereIsOpenOrIFeelScaredToGoInsideSomewhere

Today I didn’t feel very confident with going out for a walk, though I’m not sure why. Maybe hormones? I’m yet to change her nappy in public (well in a public toilet or somewhere that isn’t someone’s home).

#IStillMoveALotBetweenBreastfeedingAndExpressingAndBottlefeeding

I do talk about this in EVERY post. I’m definitely breastfeeding more though as I don’t need to put my nipple cream afterwards every time now…

#IFeelLikeABadWifeAsHeHasToGoToWorkAndThereHeIsDoingMostOfTheWorkWhenHeNeedsHisSleepButTonightIWillAimToDoBetter

I breastfeed in the night now, which lets Tiago sleep. It seems fair as he is the one ‘going to work’ (he is still mostly working from home), though sometimes at 6am I will ask him to bottle feed her if I am super tired and it’s been a long night. He is bottle feeding her now whilst I write this.

#ItIsNoGoodGoingToBedLateWhenYouFeelAlrightAsYouWakeUpInTheNightFeelingAbsolutelyAwful #SoItIsBestToSleepWhenTheySleep #SaysMeNotDoingThatRightNow

I definitely say this to everyone, but don’t do it myself. I should have had a nap this afternoon – I talked about it in the hashtags of a photo I took – but did I? No…

#FeelingBadAsLastNightWeGaveHerADummyForTheFirstTimeAsSheLikesToSuckOnTheBottleOrMyNippleWithoutDrinkingAnything

I don’t feel bad about it anymore. It’s made our lives a lot easier and it keeps her happy too. I do call it a chuxa (shoosha) though, as that’s the Portuguese word for it (so Tiago calls it that) and I prefer saying it to dummy (possibly because I do feel a bit awkward about using it still).

#TodayIDecidedToBeUnapologeticAboutSharingMyWork

This lasted one day. I’m better on Instagram, but with other platforms I don’t really see the point though I probably should.

#HavingBHasChangedMeSoMuchForTheBetterAlready #IHopeSheContinuesToInspirePositiveChangeInMeAndThatInTheFutureICanInspireHer

I feel like I really noticed the changes earlier on. I do hope that I continue to change for the better though and that I can inspire her.

#ItStillFeelsWeirdToSayIAmAMotherButAtTheSameTimeICanNotReallyRememberLifeWithoutB

I say that I can’t believe I’m a mother in every post, but it is true that it also feels like she has always been around (though I know she hasn’t). Thinking about life before her, it just seems so weird that I didn’t really have any responsibilities. Having a baby in lockdown has been good for not feeling like I’m missing out on things. I’m quite happy being at home and chilling with my family – apart from when I get a bit stir crazy I guess.

#MyLeftHandAndArmAreGettingSoStrongFromMainlyHoldingHerWhenIDoBreastfeed

Because of the heat I’ve been feeding her lying down more, which is amazing but I do want to keep up with my arm strength.

I failed doing my 7 days of yoga challenge (I didn’t like the program as they weren’t curated to help you build up to harder things everyday), so I decided to do a 30 day one instead, which I’ve done a few times before.

I missed out day 2, but I managed to do the last 2 days. I even moved the cot this morning so I could do yoga where it was whilst she continued to sleep on the bed, and I could keep an eye on her. The lying down feeding position is great for her then falling asleep and staying asleep…

#IAlsoFeelTheNeedToCommentThatIAmStillBleedingALittleBit

This seems like a bit of an odd comment now, but I thought it might be useful for someone who just had a baby to know. I feel like no one really talks about these things, and before being pregnant I didn’t know that you can bleed for up to 6 weeks after birth. It wasn’t painful like a period though, which was what I was worried about. I just got reusable pads after a while as I was getting through the disposable ones quite quickly.

I need to start looking at getting reusable nappies again as every time I change a nappy I think of it sitting in a landfill, but it’s such a minefield. There are so many different brands and I’ve already spent so many hours researching, but I’m still not sure.

Let me know if you have any recommendations 🙂

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Tags breastfeeding, confidence, motherhood

Oh Me, Oh Mãe

With My Child In My Childhood Home (6th July 2020)

Post author By Jocelyn Allen
Post date 12 August 2020

If I had known that I was going to cover B’s face with carpet, then I wouldn’t have deleted a test shot of the carpet without us lying there… I still think it’s nice even though the colours of the pasted bit don’t match up (I took that from an outtake of just a picture of B).

#ItIsNowJulyAndIHadNotSeenMyParentsSinceFebruary
#AndTheyHaveNowObviouslyMetBForTheFirstTime

I thought it would be weird to see people again, but it was like we had never been apart. We weren’t going to do the trip so soon, but visiting rules changed and we had accidentally left B in her car seat for longer than we thought we were meant to at a garden party. It was accidental because we were so stressed about being out of the house with her for the first time that we forgot how to parent. She seemed fine and so we thought we were up for the drive. She ended up sleeping the whole way there and back, and we didn’t need to stop as there was less traffic so the journeys were shorter.

#AndIHadNotSeenMyNanSinceMarch
#IWasWorriedThatSheMightDieBeforeWeSawHerAgainAndNeverGetToMeetB
#SheLooksReallyWellAndMaybeThatIsPartlyDownToHerEnthusiasmAtMeetingNewFamilyMembers

I thought about deleting the bit about my fear, but this is my kind of diary and that is how I felt. We used to go to visit her every few weeks, so it was weird not being able to see her; we had to make do with talking on the phone everyday instead.

#YesterdayACoupleOfFriendsCameRoundAndLifeFeltSomewhatNormal

We sat at a reasonable distance with hand sanitiser on the table. It’s weird thinking about carefree we used to be… Only one friend (neither of the friends mentioned here) saw me heavily pregnant in real life, which is so weird.

#APubOrAnywhereWithLotsOfStrangersIsTheLastPlaceIWantToBeRightNow

We’ve started to go to restaurants in the last couple of weeks, but that’s only because I don’t like missing a bargain (there is a scheme in the UK called Eat Out To Help Out). We try to be careful about where we go and the places are a lot less crowded than they used to be which is good. It’s nice to build up our confidence with going out, but I still feel a bit nervous (because of Covid and because of having a baby).

#ItIsEasyToForgetThatIAmAMotherSometimes

When she is sleeping I often forget that I am a mother. I’m going to try to not say in every post that I still can’t believe I’m one…

#SheHasChangedALotInTheLastFewDays
#SheIsMoreAlertAndWatchesThingsLikeTheTreesBlowing

She is growing up so fast and we see small changes everyday. When she smiles a lot it makes me cry tears of joy (just writing this is making me emotional). She is using her hands more (touching, grabbing etc) and she seems to have discovered that she has a tongue. Earlier she had a bath and she was kicking her legs in it, which she hasn’t done before.

#ItIsNiceToBeAtMyParentsHouseAndAroundNatureMore #IHaveNotBeenToAParkSinceMarchButTheirGardenIsKindOfLikeGoingToAPark

Though we were just there for a couple of days and I did not go into the garden once. I think I get worried about what to dress her in, though really a few minutes in the garden if I made the wrong decision wouldn’t be too bad right? I’m still building up my confidence with certain things.

#IHadNotWatchedATVSinceMarchAsWeJustHaveNetflixOnOurComputersAndIDidNotWatchTVInHospital

I’ve been enjoying watching Canada’s Drag Race at my Nan’s house, though she doesn’t seem so impressed with it.

#ITookAPictureOfMeAndBLyingOnTheLivingRoomCarpetAsToMeItIsNoticeablyMyParentsHouse
#ITookSomeOfUsLyingOnABedButItCouldHaveBeenAnywhere

I had originally thought that I’d take a picture called Lying With My Child on My Childhood Bed, though my parents thought we should go in my older sister’s room as there is more space. The duvet cover was new to me and yeah it didn’t seem right. Then when I was in the living room I looked at the carpet and I thought it made more sense as it really says ‘my parents’ house’ to me.

I feel like I should add that we moved to that house when I was 7, but it’s the place that I’ve lived in for the longest amount of time in my life. I guess I spent more childhood years (0-7) at the previous house, but who cares, right?

#ThisCarpetSurvivedTheMoveFromBirminghamToTheHouseTheyLiveInNow20PlusYearsAgo
#ThoughThinkingAboutItIThinkTheyReplacedItAYearAgoWithASimilarCarpet
#INeedToAskAndCheck
#ItTookMeOverAMonthToCheckAndGoodJobIDidAsThisIsHowFakeNewsStarts
#ItWasInTheHouseWhenTheyMovedIn

I always check over the hashtags before posting to make sure I’ve made no mistakes and I was confused why I only had 29 when you can post a maximum of 30 to Instagram. Then I read them and realised that I was planning to check at the time. I messaged my Mum today saying ‘random question…’ and realised that I was about to spread fake news about my parents’ living room carpet when she replied. My bad.

As you can’t see B’s face – she is looking quite cheeky and biting on her clothes a little bit. I think not sharing her face is the right thing to do for us, though sometimes I do just want the world to see how cute she is. (If I tell her she is cute I also tell her how smart, strong etc she is as well.)

When she is older if people are still interested in these pictures then she can decide if she wants her face to be revealed or not, but for now a lot of people will just have to imagine what she looks like. I think she looks a lot like how Tiago did when he was a kid at the moment and friends say that she looks like him too, but he can’t see it.

Hopefully she’ll get to meet more of our friends and family soon. Who knows when she’ll get to meet Tiago’s family, but I hope it is sooner rather than later. We’re going to apply for her passport soon then see how things are and how we feel.

This was the first summer (and year so far) that we haven’t been to Portugal since we met and I just want to swim in the sea so badly. I can’t wait to take B swimming for the first time. She seems to like the bath and like I said before, she was kicking her legs in it today.

I’m a bit of a snob about swimming in chlorine as it dries my skin out, so she’ll have to wait for now. I’ve already bought her a swimwear sunsuit for 1 year olds (hello sale), but hopefully we won’t be waiting that long.

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Tags family, lockdown, motherhood, parenthood, swimming, visiting

Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Feel Like I Am Definitely A Changed Person – I Am Wearing Cleaning Gloves (1st July 2020)

Post author By Jocelyn Allen
Post date 11 August 2020

**I Feel Like I Am Definitely A Changed Person – I Am Wearing Cleaning Gloves (1st July 2020) II**

**I Feel Like I Am Definitely A Changed Person – I Am Wearing Cleaning Gloves (1st July 2020) III**

#ISetUpABlogAndIAmNervousButTheWorstThingThatCanHappenIsNoOneReadsIt

Tiago keeps asking me how many people are reading it. I have analytics, but I haven’t really been looking as this is a good diary for myself. I do hope that other people like it though and that things I share might be useful/reassuring.

#MyMainReasonForSettingItUpWasToShareMyBirthStoryAndBreastfeedingExperience #AsAfterGettingHomeFromHospitalMyFirstThoughtWasToTrainAsABreastfeedingSpecialist #IFeelLikeIHadNotHeardHowHardItWasUntilIHadBAndHadProblems

I talked about our story (so far) with feeding a lot in this post.

The feeling to train as a breastfeeding specialist has passed a little, but I think it is because this blog is keeping me so occupied.

#IDoNotKnowIfIWouldHaveBeenConfidentEnoughToRealiseThatSheWasUnwellAtHome

I have called the doctors for B 3 times now; once for her eye and twice for her skin. Since they’re all phone consultations first it’s so easy and less stressful than getting ready and going out all masked up. I’ve just had to send photos so they can see, but once they said I could come in if I wanted. We didn’t go but she’s been to the doctors for jabs, then her 8 week check-up, and she’s also had a hospital appointment for her feet. She was referred for her feet and hips when she was born, which were both because she was breech. We’re so lucky to have the NHS. (Yes, we need to protect it.)

A health visitor is coming to see us this week for the first time. She’s called at least once before, but this will be the first time meeting her face to face. Pre-Covid we would have already met her, and I think she would have come at around 6 weeks. B is nearly 9 weeks old.

I can imagine that it’s weird for people with a newborn who had a baby in non-Covid times previously. We currently only know about parenting during a pandemic, but I think we’re doing quite well.

My Mum and older sister got a lot of messages asking for help/advice in the early days, and a WhatsApp group of new mums that I’m part of is super useful for sharing and comparing. So thanks to all of them for their help!

#IAmWearingGlovesInThePictureAsIAmDoingSoMuchWashingUpThatMyHandsAreSoDryAndSore

Before B was born we thought we had everything we needed and then we just bought SO MUCH STUFF. I think opening packaging, removing tape and flattening boxes didn’t help my hands. I stopped using the gloves a few weeks ago (so yeah it didn’t last long). I need to get to it though as I am starting to hand wash more clothing (hello sour milk bibs) and my hands feel quite dry now. In B’s pushchair organiser I keep a bottle of hand sanitiser and a tube of hand cream…

#TheFeedingPlanChangesEveryday #TodayWeWillTryBottlefeedingHerDuringTheDaySoICanBreastfeedHerDuringTheNight

Again, I talk about this a lot in this post, but breastfeeding is definitely going better. I think my nipples are starting to harden up a bit (hurrah) and it really is easier just breastfeeding her in the night.

We are still bottle-feeding her a little in the evening so it’s easier to give her her vitamin D and so Tiago can spend more time with her.

Yesterday we went out for dinner and it was the first time that she’d been awake during a meal. She was super chill and the service was slow, which was great as it gave us time to go through her routine. Tiago changed her nappy as I was a bit nervous about doing it (because of Covid – I’ve been avoiding public toilets), but it was great as the men’s and women’s toilets both had nappy changing facilities. I’ve only breastfed once so far in public, so I need to work on that. Last night we both just fed her with a bottle.

#IMadeDanceVideosWithHerYesterdayAndForgotIHadStitches

This was a bit of a sore mistake. I was really into my dancing as well, though I was nervous about holding her head and making sure she was okay. She was awake a bit in the beginning then fell asleep…

Here’s one of the videos (I made 5):

Love this song. I loved it more once I found out it was to do with his baby and wondering what they thing about things. I wonder ‘what does B think about?’ all the time.

#IDidNotBotherChangingHowILookedForTheShootSoIHaveOnWhatIWoreToBedLastNightAndBedHair

This is also why you see a bit of bum (sorry). In the first pictures of the shoot I was just pulling my top down over my pants, and in these I think I am pushing my top down a bit with the gloves.

I like not changing my clothes for shoots now as it’s more authentic/honest. I’m usually just sat at home in my underwear or with no leggings/trousers on as it’s too hot, but it must have been a bit cooler this day. I keep a dressing gown by the door just in case it’s needed, though I actually haven’t had to use it in a while.

Here are all 3 photos side by side (if you are reading this on a big enough screen).

One probably would have been enough to illustrate it, but I like all 3 and they show quite well how I do shoots and the adjustments I make with my poses. Shame I’m not in exactly the same position in the first one like I am in the other two, but I didn’t think at the time that I’d be choosing 3 images.

To end the post I thought I should comment on the title of the images – I Feel Like I Am Definitely A Different Person – I Am Wearing Cleaning Gloves.

I feel like I have changed so much since giving birth and I took these pictures less than a month after she was born. I’ve always been fairly messy, but I definitely like things to be tidier and more organised these days.

I need to do a post/picture on all the ways that I have changed, but this was one small thing (wearing gloves that I need to get back to wearing).

I look forward to continuing to change and hopefully it’s all for the best.

Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!

Tags breastfeeding, changes, cleaning gloves, doctors, motherhood