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Misc

Musings On Recent Events

The kidnap and murder of Sarah Everard has started a lot of conversations since the news broke of a police officer’s arrest.

These conversations have been triggering for a lot of women I know, and myself too. I’ve been replaying different events in my life over and over again; two nights ago I barely slept thinking about it all.

I keep starting and stopping this, but I feel like I need to comment on a few of the things that I’ve been thinking about.

(This post discusses awkward situations, sexual harassment, and general musings about what I’ve thought about lately.)

I’ve been thinking about high school when all the girls would be asked what underwear we were wearing by our male peers. When they were going round asking everyone I usually just tried to dodge the question as I didn’t want to reveal my ‘granny pants’ nor did I want to lie, as I was just not nor have I ever been interested in g-strings.

Also in high school, so many guys would just comment on the state of my chest. Some guys were my age and some were older. It was exhausting and I’ve been making work that has been helping me to rebuild my confidence since 2010ish.

A 2003 diary entry that I rewrote for my 2013 project Your Mind & Body Is All That You’ve Got II.

This ‘man’ was definitely a lot older than us. In my mind I remember him being 40+. I was 15.

I hope high school is different for people now (I guess it’s been a bit different with Covid). I never really felt worried about my personal safety then, but being a teenage girl felt really tough. Boys boasted of sleeping with 100+ girls and they were high fived. A girl would have sex once and be labelled a ‘slag’.

(I did once make up a horrible rhyme about a girl who was ‘sleeping around’, which I am not proud of. I wish I had realised and scrutinised the double standards that existed earlier on.)

In 2018 I took a photo and wrote text called ‘Jocelyn, Can You Grow More? (1st January 2018)‘, which talks more about school and some of the experiences I mentioned. It’s from my Don’t Take Me Out Of My Melons project:

Jocelyn, Can You Grow More? (1st January 2018)

From that talk at school where the girls were called into one room and the boys were sent to another, I knew I didn’t want to become a woman.
I also knew that I didn’t want to be the last one either.
When the first sign of blood appeared I called a friend, excited that it had finally arrived after a year or so after the birth of hairs on the mons pubis of a fellow woman-to-be.  
Our teachers yelled at us for hiding in our towels in the changing room showers as we tried to grow accustomed to our changing bodies.
A few bared their flesh, whilst I flashed my parts to the wall for a quick splash.
I shaved my blonde leg hairs off before anyone could mock me for them. A mistake that my now dark hairs remind me of frequently.
In high school I wore a training bra for a chest that didn’t yet need to be trained.
The boys would ask us what pants we were wearing, whilst they talked in maths class about how many fingers they stuck up her last night. I kept my love of big pants to myself.
‘You’re like two paracetamols on an ironing board.’
It seemed like there was a weekly announcement on the growth status of the lumps that I was incubating.
The conclusion was that I was flat-chested.
After another public message I ranted at a friend. ‘Boobs are only for babies! Why do they care so much about my boobs?!’
I listened to stories of back pain by those with cumbersome assets. I told myself that I was okay with my mosquito bites.
I quit sports. I put on weight. I stopped eating properly.
I weighed myself x times a day. Before going to the toilet and after going to the toilet.
I’m glad that being sick grossed me out.
Someone mentioned my thigh gap once. Yes, apparently it was a thing in 2004.
I’m called a fridge for my unwillingness to get close to boys.
I get a boyfriend. People gossip about us. I’m too scared to kiss him. In case he runs away like the last guy.
We break up.
My self-hatred spirals.
People gossip about me. True, they gossip about everyone.
We verbally abuse a girl for sleeping with a few guys, meanwhile the guy who claims he has slept with over 100 girls at the age of 16 can do no wrong.
Times goes by.
I look at old pictures of myself and feel sad that I hated myself so much. I didn’t look that bad.
I read articles by women about how they learn to love themselves in their 50’s, 60’s, 70’s. I don’t want to wait that long.
I go to a dance class and rediscover muscles that I haven’t felt in years. I vow to respect myself more.
Some self-acceptance is learned.
I don’t like dressing up. It makes me feel uncomfortable when I do. I don’t like showing off my body that much.  
It’s not that I think I’m worthy of attention, I just know that being human is enough for some people.
More time goes by.
A guy tells me he usually dates girls with bigger boobs. I say okay.
It doesn’t really register with me what he says until years later.
If I had said something along the same lines about your male anatomy, would you have just said okay?
More time goes by.
I spend the summer of 2017 too scared to show my armpits. I choose the tops that make me sweat as it’s better to sweat and smell than let a stranger on the tube notice the hair emerging from my underarms.
Sweat patches are more socially accepted than body hair right?
If you’re a man you’re allowed to have both.

This isn’t a sob story. (I had to write that as I maintain a fear of being judged).

I was living in Brixton in 2015 when there were a lot of attacks on women in the area. I remember being scared and more cautious than normal, but I lived on a main road which made me feel not so worried. Talking about things the other night my husband, Tiago, said he used to worry about me walking home.

(It felt really good to talk about things, so if you’re feeling triggered and feel able to talk to someone then you should. Feel free to drop me a message if you don’t know who to talk to.)

I used to run a lot and I would often run at night (sometimes I’d run to Clapham Common and use the outdoor gym equipment). Yes I’d be worried that something might happen to me, but it felt like a choice between either run in the day and get heckled, or run in the dark and feel less self-conscious, get heckled less, but feel more scared for my personal safety. I felt a bit relieved when my knees started to hurt, and I had an excuse to switch my exercise to indoor activities like yoga.

Once I was running with a friend and a guy shouted something at us about wanting to marry us. As I was with her I felt able to shout ‘f*** off’, which was also an f off for all the times I had felt unable to. He was with a friend who looked very sheepish. I know some guys will say things when they are alone, but I often thought about whether he would have said it if he was by himself. Probably not.

I’ve often walked home late at night, even when I was 15 I would walk home for 40 minutes in the dark after coming back from music gigs. I knew I was being dumb, but the buses had stopped running and I refused to pay £6 for a taxi when I could walk for free. I was also scared of taxis and didn’t like buses either.

(Yesterday I was thinking about the gender pay gap and then women feeling the need to spend money on taxis for their personal safety.)

I once walked 7 miles to a friend’s house after a gig as I had been hoping to get a lift home, but felt too sheepish to ask when no one offered. I was terrified and basically just tried to make myself look like a guy, though someone later told me that guys were more likely to get randomly beaten up. I was more impressed with myself that I managed to follow the road signs back to town, as phones were very simple back then.

Luckily nothing bad ever happened to me on those walks home, but I would walk with my keys between my fingers if I felt particularly worried or run when I had an uncomfortable feeling. In London I usually lived on main roads or just off them, and there were always people about so it never seemed as bad as when I was in places where barely anyone walks at night.

I love music. I remember some teenagers on the bus when I lived in London playing the most awful misogynistic music I have ever heard out loud. I was sat at the front of the bus, while they sat at the back and laughed their heads off playing it intimidatingly loud. I have no idea what the song was, but I do know that a male rapper who is known for his misogyny has had 8 number one albums in the UK. When he achieved his 8th number one, his President had become President even though the whole world knew he had said things like he grabs women ‘by the pussy’. Yeah, he was not our President but the USA is highly influential. What kind of message did that send to everyone?

It took me many years to process things that happened to me. I studied for a BA between 2007 and 2010 in Newport, and I experienced a lot of things for the first time – like going out to clubs. I didn’t drink when I first started uni and I was really shocked that people would just pinch your bum/touch you. I remember being in one club and a guy kept touching my bum. I would shout at him and I guess he thought it was a game. My friends were drunk and it was a ‘normal’ thing so nobody seemed bothered. I didn’t want to cause a fuss by going to a bouncer, so I just did nothing apart from feel annoyed about it.

At a club in London for a friend’s birthday 8+ years ago I ended up just standing against a wall as I was annoyed by people walking past and touching my bum. I don’t think I’m anything special so they must have been doing it to everyone, but I was the only one who seemed bothered by it. Perhaps it was because I was sober and more aware of what was going on, or maybe they felt like how I used to – that if you were going to a club that being touched by people was just part of the package.

I’d like to think that things have changed since then. Clubs have been closed for a while here, and I don’t go on planning to one anytime soon anyways.

In 2017 I felt compelled to share my experience of sexual assault during my BA.

I No Longer Blame Myself (5th May 2017)

It was 2008 or 2009 and I was walking to meet my friends at a pub in Newport, where I was in the second year of my BA. I was feeling self-conscious as I think it was the first time that I had worn this top, but it was definitely the first time I had worn it with a pencil skirt that was quite fitted and I possibly only worn the skirt on one other occasion (a costume party). I was about 2 minutes from the pub and was walking right by the shop windows when a young guy rode up beside me on his bike and started to feel my bum. He asked me if I would give him a blowjob whilst he kept touching my bum. I was in shock (because of what was happening and because he looked so young) and my voice seemed to disappear so I couldn’t shout out to the people who were walking nearby and I couldn’t run as he was trapping me between the shop windows and his bike. I managed to let out a ‘no’ and ‘leave me alone’, whilst he continued to say ‘come on baby give me a blowjob’ whilst touching my bum. After a few rounds of ‘come on’ and ‘no’ he got bored and cycled off, leaving me to walk to the pub to meet my friends. I blamed myself for wearing what I wore as this hadn’t happened to me on the street before. I donated the skirt to charity a long time ago as I never felt comfortable in it again, but the top has survived many charity giveaways even though I haven’t worn it since because I feel self-conscious in it, but liked the idea of one day wearing it out again. I noticed it this morning. After wearing it for this picture to illustrate this story I’m torn between giving it away and wearing it again. It doesn’t fit me as well as it did when I was 19/20, but now I feel like wearing it one more time to not let him win. I no longer blame myself…

Taking the photo and writing the text felt like some closure and I donated it to charity not longer afterwards. It is also part of my Don’t Take Me Out Of My Melons project.

When I posted this to my Instagram account I received messages from other women sharing their stories, and I also received messages from men telling me that they didn’t realise that these incidents happened to women that they knew.

Another piece of work that fits well with the theme of this blog is my ‘Smile Love‘ gif.

Smile Love (2019)

#SmileLove
#VileGov
#MileAbove
#IsleDove
#CrocodileShove
#TileGlove
#IThoughtMoreWordsRhymedWithLove
#IWasWrong
#WellIProbablyAmMissingSomeButImBoredNow #WellNotBoredButIJustWantToMoveOnFromThat
#ISmileWhenIWantTo
#WhyCantIPostAGifOnInstagram
#IHadToConvertItToAVideoFirst
#TheQualityIsRubbish
#ItLooksBetterOnMyWebsite
#ThatsWhyImNotSmiling
#ThatOrSmilingHurtsMyFace #LikeWhenIWorkedInRetail #IdGetHomeAndMyFaceHurtFromFakeSmiling
#WellSometimesIMeantIt
#LikeWhenIServedBabySpice
#WellIDontThinkISmiledAsIWasInShock
#IProbablyJustLookedABitOdd
#NormalJocelynStyle

‘Smile Love – you know that classic line that someone delivers to you when you’re daydreaming, waiting for a bus or you’ve posted a dance video and you’re not smiling enough for someone’s liking?’

Contrary to what people might think of me with the work I make, I like to be somewhat invisible when I go out (if going out exists at the moment in our weird Covid world). I do not take great care of my appearance (some makeup I bought last year has gone untouched) and that is partially due to not wanting to attract attention. It is not that I think I am worthy of attention based on my appearance, but (I am finding this hard to explain in a way that I feel will not cause negative comments) I guess I hope people won’t look at me twice.

This blog post has been a bit of a ramble, but I felt like I needed to write more than a tweet. I could write more, but I have a 9 month old daughter who needs my attention, and I do not really want to go into other things that are darker than what I have shared here.

Things seem to be changing, and I hope by the time that my daughter is old enough to be ‘bothered’ by people that things will have changed even more. I want her to feel like there is not one set of rules for boys and one set of rules for girls. I don’t want her to be asked about her underwear and have her body commented on all the time. Girls should not be told it was their fault for walking home at night, for what they were wearing, for being drunk. A woman could be walking down a street naked and drunk, but it does not mean that anyone has the right to touch her.

Everyone should be taught about consent and how to respect each other.

(I wish I had a better ending than that, but I think that says it all.)

Rest in peace Sarah, and condolences to her family and friends.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Where Is Mummy? (16th February 2021)

Where Is Mummy? (16th February 2021)
 
#IAlwaysWriteMumButMummyLooksABitWeird
#IAmNotADeadPersonInAMuseumThoughIMaySometimesLookLikeIt
#LastNightIWentToSleepAtNineThirtyAfterReadingForABit
#ThenIWasAwakeBetweenFourAndFiveThirtyishAsBWasMakingNoisesAndICouldNotFallBackAsleep
#ThenItWas7AndIDidNotWantToGetOutOfBedAsIFeltSoTired
#IHadPlannedToDoSomeCraftsOrWritingOrAnythingLastNightButIJustCouldNotBeBothered
#TypicallyISpendAllDayLookingForwardToAGoodAmountOfMeTimeButThenItArrivesAndIAmJustKnackered
#IStartedAFundingApplicationTheOtherNightButItJustSeemedSoPointlessAndItWouldHaveBeenVeryRushed
#IFeelLikeINeedToPrioritiseMyMeTimeAtTheMomentForThingsThatHaveInstantaneousResultsOrMakeMeMoney
#IWantToStartWorkingOnANewProjectButIAmNotSureWhat
#ItFeelsEasyToKeepAddingToThisSeriesAndIDoNotHaveToThinkAboutItMuch
#AnywaysWeWentOnAGroupWalkWithOtherMumsAndMomsYesterday
#TypicallyEveryoneElseKnewEachOtherThoughIDoFeelLikeTheyDidTryToIncludeMe
#ButAllOfTheirBabiesAre8WeeksOldAndWereAsleepTheWholeTime
#BWasAwakeAndBeingQuitePatientReallyConsideringSheWasJustStuckInHerPushchair
#SheCanCrawlForwardALittleNowButThenHasToStopBeforeTryingAgain
#ItFeltGoodToBeOutAndAboutInGoodWeatherAndTalkToOtherPeople
#ButItWasNotAnyFunForBSoIMightJustTryAndGoOnceInAWhile
#MaybeItWouldNotBeSoBadIfThePushchairActuallyFacedMeAsICouldTalkToHerMore
#IDoWishWeHadGotOneThatCouldFaceBothWaysButItIsABitLateNow
#IAlsoFeltAwkwardMovingAboutWithABunchOfPeopleAsIFeltLikePeopleWereJudgingUsAndGettingAnnoyed
#ItIsClassedAsASupportGroupSoWeAreNotBreakingTheLawButIAmAwkwardEnoughJustBeingOutWithB
#WeAreDebatingSendingBToNurseryOneDayAWeek
#IFeelQuiteTornAboutItAsIAmNotMakingEnoughMoneyAtTheMomentToJustifyItAndIFeelGuiltyThatSheWouldBeInNurseryWhileIAmJustFaffingAboutAtHome
#IFeelLikeItLooksLikeIDoNotWantToSpendTimeWithHer
#ILoveHerALotButIAmJustTiredAndMaybeSheWouldHaveMoreFunSpendingADayWithOtherKids
#ThenICanUseMyFreeTimeToFigureOutWhatIWantToDoWithMyLifeAndProbablySpendALotOfMyTimeMissingBAndFeelingGuilty
#ThenWhenWeAreReunitedIWillHopefullyHaveMoreEnthusiasmAfterHavingSomeMoreMeTime
#IDoWorryThatIWillJustWasteMyFreeTimeThoughTiagoSaysItIsFineIfIJustSpendTheFirstTimeSleeping
#ThinkingAboutItSendingHerToNurseryIncreasesOurRiskOfHavingToSelfIsolateAndThatWouldBeNoFun

#IAlwaysWriteMumButMummyLooksABitWeird #IAmNotADeadPersonInAMuseumThoughIMaySometimesLookLikeIt

Hello tiredness my old friend.

The title and image reference our many games of peekaboo.

#LastNightIWentToSleepAtNineThirtyAfterReadingForABit

Continuing on the dead theme – I’m reading Dead Famous by Greg Jenner.

#ThenIWasAwakeBetweenFourAndFiveThirtyishAsBWasMakingNoisesAndICouldNotFallBackAsleep

It was warm last night and I was not sure what setting/timing to have B’s heater on. I thought it was on a higher setting than it was and so had turned some ‘sessions’ off. I think she was slightly too cold. We went in a couple of times – once as I thought she was trapped at the bottom of her cot with not much space, and the other time to change her nappy.

Exciting stuff.

#ThenItWas7AndIDidNotWantToGetOutOfBedAsIFeltSoTired

Tiago is good at getting her up. I did have a little nap, then stretched but I need to just get up really.

#IHadPlannedToDoSomeCraftsOrWritingOrAnythingLastNightButIJustCouldNotBeBothered

I even thought about playing video games, which I have not done since before B was born. In the end I thought it was not very productive and that I would probably load it then turn it off after 5 minutes anyways.

#TypicallyISpendAllDayLookingForwardToAGoodAmountOfMeTimeButThenItArrivesAndIAmJustKnackered

I think I also just feel a bit overwhelmed with choosing what to do if there is not obvious stuff that needs to be done – like editing or any work related stuff. I did think about doing some digital drawing. Nope. I thought about painting. Nope. I looked for part time jobs briefly. I did a tiny bit of writing and then I felt shattered.

#IStartedAFundingApplicationTheOtherNightButItJustSeemedSoPointlessAndItWouldHaveBeenVeryRushed

The deadline was sooner than I thought. I thought I had a good idea and I kept talking myself in and out of doing the application. Well I finally started it and then realised that there was no chance that I was going to get the funding. Next time!

#IFeelLikeINeedToPrioritiseMyMeTimeAtTheMomentForThingsThatHaveInstantaneousResultsOrMakeMeMoney

Obviously funding would give me money, but spending 5+ hours (realistically it would need to be a lot longer) on an application where I probably wouldn’t get the money does not feel like a good use of my time. I will try to apply next time though and I can hopefully just chip away at it a bit at a time.

Making dance videos and adding to this project feel like ‘instantaneous results’, as I am actively adding to things that I share.

#IWantToStartWorkingOnANewProjectButIAmNotSureWhat

I feel like I am trying things out within this project, but I need a good solid idea.

#ItFeelsEasyToKeepAddingToThisSeriesAndIDoNotHaveToThinkAboutItMuch

I know that if I make work for this series then it always gets added to the project. I need to just experiment more (which I feel like I did with my last shoot) and ideas will come.

I need to find a commission or something so I do not have to worry about doing odd jobs right now. Easier said than done. Someone is probably reading this and shouting ‘that’s why you apply for funding!’ Yeah I know but it’s also easier said than done…

I’m enjoying editing some websites at the moment and I have put some things that I learned on my coding course into practice which is great!

I’d like to do a creative writing course or something next.

#AnywaysWeWentOnAGroupWalkWithOtherMumsAndMomsYesterday

We being B and I.

#TypicallyEveryoneElseKnewEachOtherThoughIDoFeelLikeTheyDidTryToIncludeMe

They’d all met on a parenting course.

#ButAllOfTheirBabiesAre8WeeksOldAndWereAsleepTheWholeTime

So B is 6 months+ older and it’s a whole different world of parenting. It was nice to talk to them though.

#BWasAwakeAndBeingQuitePatientReallyConsideringSheWasJustStuckInHerPushchair

She was getting a bit screamy at one point and I thought about taking her home, but we were so far from home that I thought we might as well keep walking and then head off once we got to a point that was closer to home. Home home home.

#SheCanCrawlForwardALittleNowButThenHasToStopBeforeTryingAgain

Yesterday she seemed pretty tired, so it wasn’t too bad that she was just sat in the pushchair. The day before she had moved a lot so she probably did just need to rest a bit.

#ItFeltGoodToBeOutAndAboutInGoodWeatherAndTalkToOtherPeople

Really nice. Forget all the things I’ve said about not wanting to meet local people. It is just frustrating though.

#ButItWasNotAnyFunForBSoIMightJustTryAndGoOnceInAWhile

It’s also frustrating. I’d love to go every week, but it’s not fair on B. There is one during B’s naptime, so maybe I should go to that one instead but then I’ll lose my hour+ of free time in the morning. It’s alright if I have nothing on, but if I have to work then it’s annoying.

#MaybeItWouldNotBeSoBadIfThePushchairActuallyFacedMeAsICouldTalkToHerMore #IDoWishWeHadGotOneThatCouldFaceBothWaysButItIsABitLateNow

It hasn’t been too bad as usually we don’t go too far. Yesterday was the furthest we’ve gone from home since before Xmas…

#IAlsoFeltAwkwardMovingAboutWithABunchOfPeopleAsIFeltLikePeopleWereJudgingUsAndGettingAnnoyed #ItIsClassedAsASupportGroupSoWeAreNotBreakingTheLawButIAmAwkwardEnoughJustBeingOutWithB

It’s half term so the area was busier than usual. We were walking in twos, but the paths are narrow (I walked on the grass a lot).

Basically we can’t win. Be miserable at home, or be awkward out and about.

#WeAreDebatingSendingBToNurseryOneDayAWeek #IFeelQuiteTornAboutItAsIAmNotMakingEnoughMoneyAtTheMomentToJustifyIt#AndIFeelGuiltyThatSheWouldBeInNurseryWhileIAmJustFaffingAboutAtHome

If more things were open I think it would not be so bad. Classes/play groups/activities would be cheaper than nursery and pass the day nicely. I guess things will have to reopen soon, but can my sanity wait until then?

#IFeelLikeItLooksLikeIDoNotWantToSpendTimeWithHer #ILoveHerALotButIAmJustTiredAndMaybeSheWouldHaveMoreFunSpendingADayWithOtherKids

It’s very full on. I make it harder for myself by getting stressed out about anything and everything – is she eating okay, is she being entertained, is she getting enough stimulation? This week our usual baby classes aren’t on, and we tend to do YouTube classes using the TV, but my Nan does not like them. Fun times.

#ThenICanUseMyFreeTimeToFigureOutWhatIWantToDoWithMyLifeAndProbablySpendALotOfMyTimeMissingBAndFeelingGuilty

I am feeling a bit lost.

#ThenWhenWeAreReunitedIWillHopefullyHaveMoreEnthusiasmAfterHavingSomeMoreMeTime

I hope so.

#IDoWorryThatIWillJustWasteMyFreeTimeThoughTiagoSaysItIsFineIfIJustSpendTheFirstTimeSleeping

I am used to having to work quite fast, so having a whole day to do stuff just seems incomprehensible. I’d have to make a plan and be quite strict with myself as otherwise I’d feel really guilty. Factoring in relaxing time is fine, but I’d need to get stuff done.

I just imagine leaving B there and her crying her eyes out. She’d get over it after a bit and it’d be better for the whole family perhaps. I remember going to nursery/playgroup and absolutely loving it but I was a bit older.

If playgroups reopened soon that would be really good… B would have fun and I could have a chat. That seems like a dream at the moment though.

Simple things.

#ThinkingAboutItSendingHerToNurseryIncreasesOurRiskOfHavingToSelfIsolateAndThatWouldBeNoFun

I reedited my hashtags to fit this in. As much as I’d love more me/free time, it seems a bit risky to send her to nursery when we don’t really need to. If someone tests positive, we have to self-isolate which means no walks, we can’t just go to the supermarket when we need something, and my Mum can’t visit.

It’s an annoying situation, but a lot of people have a lot more problems so I just need to get over it.


Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!

Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Portrait Of A Mother Of An 8 Month Old (13th February 2021)

Self-portrait staring into the distance with a reflection of myself behind.
Portrait Of A Mother Of An 8 Month Old (13th February 2021)
 
#ICanNotBelieveThatBIsTwoThirdsOfAYearOld
#AndAlsoThatThisIsMy80thEntryForThisProject
#ICanNotSayThatEveryPhotoIHaveTakenForItIsGoodButIAmHappyToHaveARecordOfThingsAnywaysEspeciallyWithAllTheWriting
#JustYesterdayTiagoWalkedIntoOurBedroomHoldingBAndIThoughtWhoaIAmTheMotherOfThisSmilingYoungHuman
#IRealisedIHadActuallySwitchedOffABitAsIKnewThatTiagoWouldLookAfterHerUntilHerBedtime
#UsuallyISpendMostOfTheTimeAwayFromBOnEdgeThatSheMayWakeUpOrThatIAmRunningOutOfTimeToGetStuffDone
#IAmJustFeelingQuiteTired
#TwoNightsAgoAsSoonAsBWentToBedIJustGotIntoBedAndWatchedTheQueensGambit
#IWasExhaustedButIDidAlsoJustWantToWatchIt
#LastNightIMadeMyselfDoTheWorkThatINeededToDoFirstBeforeWatchingTheFinalEpisode
#IHaveNotReallyWatchedMuchTVLatelyApartFromItsASinAndDragRace
#CatchingTheEndOfBargainHuntWhenSortingOutBsLunchIsAlsoADailyHighlight
#ThoughIDidMissItYesterdayAndDoQuiteALotOfDaysActually
#NoOffenceToBButIAmABitBoredOfFeedingHer
#IThinkItIsMoreTheStressOfItThanAnythingElse
#OurUsualTrickForIfSheDoesNotSeemToWantToEatAtLunchIsToPutSomeGreekStyleYoghurtWithHerFood
#YesterdaySheDidNotWantToEatHerLunchButThenSuddenlySheHadFinishedHerBowlOfScrambledEggTomatoAndToastWithSomeYoghurt
#OrAtDinnerWeJustStartToFeedHerHerDessertWhichIsUsuallyYoghurtAndFruit
#ButThenWeMixSomeOfHerDinnerInWithItTooAndSoSheHasWeirdCombinationsOfFood
#WeUsuallyWaitAWhileFirstThoughBeforeDoingThis
#HerSkinIsLoadsBetterWhichIsARelief
#IThoughtThatRestaurantsWouldBeAllowedToReopenSoonButIJustLookedForTheArticleAgainAndSawItWasOnlyInJersey
#IWasNotBotheredAboutItButIThoughtItWouldSoonMeanGoodNewsForBabyGroups
#IWasThinkingYesterdayThatIThinkIHaveOnlyChangedBsNappyInPublicTwice
#OnceInARestaurantToiletAndOnceAtTheParkJustOnTheGrass
#ItIsJustWeirdThinkingThatIHaveAn8MonthOldButHaveOnlyBeenOutFarAndLongEnoughToChangeHerInPublicTwice
#IThinkTiagoHasProbablyChangedHerMoreThanMeThoughAsInTheEarlyDaysIFeltTooScaredNervousAndAwkwardTo
#WeWereSayingYesterdayThatItSeemsWeirdThatAtOnePointWeWereGoingOutToRestaurantsOnceAWeekish
#TiagoSaysThatHeIsReallyEnjoyingHisPlaytimeWithB
#EspeciallyNowThatSheShowsALotMoreOfHerPersonalityAndStartsToPlayWithHerToysAndRespondMore

#ICanNotBelieveThatBIsTwoThirdsOfAYearOld

Time really flies.

Every time I do one of these ‘Portrait Of A Mother…’ posts I think ‘how has another month gone by already?’

#AndAlsoThatThisIsMy80thEntryForThisProject

My pregnancy project was 84 entries. I thought I should note that for some reason.

#ICanNotSayThatEveryPhotoIHaveTakenForItIsGoodButIAmHappyToHaveARecordOfThingsAnywaysEspeciallyWithAllTheWriting

In the whole project how many photos am I really happy with? Probably about 10 right now, but perhaps more – I am not going to go through and count.

It’s a record and as time goes on some entries will make me cringe more and some less. Some photos I will grow to love, some I will love more and some I will tell myself for in some ways or another – ‘I should have done … instead’.

#JustYesterdayTiagoWalkedIntoOurBedroomHoldingBAndIThoughtWhoaIAmTheMotherOfThisSmilingYoungHuman

I love when they walk in and B is just super happy to see me.

She doesn’t have much time away from me to miss me…

#IRealisedIHadActuallySwitchedOffABitAsIKnewThatTiagoWouldLookAfterHerUntilHerBedtime

I think I left the living room at 6.30pm and her bedtime is around 7pm.

#UsuallyISpendMostOfTheTimeAwayFromBOnEdgeThatSheMayWakeUpOrThatIAmRunningOutOfTimeToGetStuffDone

Usually I am working during B’s naps, or after she goes to bed and I am normally the closest person to be able to respond to her (though I know it is temporary and she will sleep again). Or like now it is 8am and Tiago has been looking after her since 7am while I did my yoga and a bit of work. I know I should go downstairs soon and give him some time to do something. Or when my Mum is here and she is looking after B and I know she can not stay too long, or we have a baby class to attend anyways.

#IAmJustFeelingQuiteTired

My diary entry each night usually starts with ‘I am tired’ or some variation of the statement.

#TwoNightsAgoAsSoonAsBWentToBedIJustGotIntoBedAndWatchedTheQueensGambit

I was slow to get into it. My younger sister said it was good, but I was watching 10-15 minutes at a time stretching in the evenings and then I suddenly got into it.

#IWasExhaustedButIDidAlsoJustWantToWatchIt

I had worked all through B’s naps so I was shattered.

#LastNightIMadeMyselfDoTheWorkThatINeededToDoFirstBeforeWatchingTheFinalEpisode

I knew I would find it harder to watch the episode then do work after. I made the mistake of not getting into bed to watch the rest of the episode after stretching though.

#IHaveNotReallyWatchedMuchTVLatelyApartFromItsASinAndDragRace

UK and US Drag Race. I feel like there is so much TV to watch, but I should probably have a break now before I find something else to watch. I have stopped reading so much and I would like to get back into it.

#CatchingTheEndOfBargainHuntWhenSortingOutBsLunchIsAlsoADailyHighlight

I can not be bothered for most of the episode where they are finding stuff. Just show me how much they made or lost!

#ThoughIDidMissItYesterdayAndDoQuiteALotOfDaysActually

Fail. Sometimes I am feeding B and I have to carefully try to see what is going on – take B’s bowl away so she doesn’t knock it on the floor/make sure she doesn’t choke.

#NoOffenceToBButIAmABitBoredOfFeedingHer

I love you, but I do not look forward to mealtimes. Breakfast is alright.

#IThinkItIsMoreTheStressOfItThanAnythingElse

Has she eaten enough? Will she sleep through the night? Not sure why I worry really as she has some milk before bed which usually fills her up.

#OurUsualTrickForIfSheDoesNotSeemToWantToEatAtLunchIsToPutSomeGreekStyleYoghurtWithHerFood

I need to see how much is too much for a baby really. We don’t give her LOADS though.

#YesterdaySheDidNotWantToEatHerLunchButThenSuddenlySheHadFinishedHerBowlOfScrambledEggTomatoAndToastWithSomeYoghurt

Well, a lot of toast ends up on the floor and in her ‘pouch’ (where her bib collects food in her lap) along with the egg. The yoghurt did make her more keen though.

#OrAtDinnerWeJustStartToFeedHerHerDessertWhichIsUsuallyYoghurtAndFruit #ButThenWeMixSomeOfHerDinnerInWithItTooAndSoSheHasWeirdCombinationsOfFood

If she isn’t hungry then she will not eat it at all. I hope we are not creating a fussy eater, but there are worse things we could be adding to meals than plain yoghurt I think.

#WeUsuallyWaitAWhileFirstThoughBeforeDoingThis

10-30 minutes of us getting stressed, then ‘oh yeah, yoghurt!’

#HerSkinIsLoadsBetterWhichIsARelief

Thank you Hydromol (and to our friend who recommended it.)

#IThoughtThatRestaurantsWouldBeAllowedToReopenSoonButIJustLookedForTheArticleAgainAndSawItWasOnlyInJersey

I wondered why the article was no longer trending. I need to tell Tiago that I was telling lies last night…

#IWasNotBotheredAboutItButIThoughtItWouldSoonMeanGoodNewsForBabyGroups

I will miss the convenience of online baby classes when we can go to them in person again, though I think they are still planning some online ones for now for people who are unsure about returning to real life classes.

#IWasThinkingYesterdayThatIThinkIHaveOnlyChangedBsNappyInPublicTwice #OnceInARestaurantToiletAndOnceAtTheParkJustOnTheGrass

A weird, but true thought – unless I am forgetting other occasions.

#ItIsJustWeirdThinkingThatIHaveAn8MonthOldButHaveOnlyBeenOutFarAndLongEnoughToChangeHerInPublicTwice

Well, one time was without Tiago.

#IThinkTiagoHasProbablyChangedHerMoreThanMeThoughAsInTheEarlyDaysIFeltTooScaredNervousAndAwkwardToo

He definitely has. In the car park at the petrol station is another time on his list.

#WeWereSayingYesterdayThatItSeemsWeirdThatAtOnePointWeWereGoingOutToRestaurantsOnceAWeekish

Odd. Remember Eat Out To Help Out?

#TiagoSaysThatHeIsReallyEnjoyingHisPlaytimeWithB #EspeciallyNowThatSheShowsALotMoreOfHerPersonalityAndStartsToPlayWithHerToysAndRespondMore

Cute. She definitely does engage more.

It feels like there should be more to this post, but nope! It’s nearly 8.30am and I need to go to see what T and B are up to!


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Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Pan/Drum During Online Baby Classes (10th February 2021)

Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Pan/Drum During Online Baby Classes (10th February 2021)
 
#AYearAgoTiagoAndIWereInOsloForAFewDaysAfterMyVeryFirstSoloShowHadOpened
#ItFeltLikeACelebrationOfMyPreBabyLifeInAWay
#IWas20ishWeeksPregnantAndFeelingALittleWorriedAboutCovid
#INeverWouldHaveThoughtThatItWouldBeTheYearThatItHas
#IMentionMyShowNotToBoastButAsAHappyReminderToMyself
#OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow
#TheOtherDayIWasFeelingBurnedOutInGeneral
#AndNowIJustFeelABitMopeyAndWhyDoIBotherDoingAllMyWork
#IKnowWhyAndItIsBecauseItIsTherapeuticForMe
#IAmGladWeMovedAsWeHaveTheExtraSupportAndIThinkIWouldBeSuperMiserableInLiverpoolRightNow
#ILovedTheCityButWeJustFeltVeryStuckThereAndIFeltBadNotBeingAbleToSeeMyNan
#DuringTheWeekITendToDoTwoBabyClassesWithBInTheDay
#OneInTheMorningFromYoutubeAndOneLiveOnZoomSoSheCanSeeOtherBabies
#NextWeekItIsHalfTermAndTheLiveClassesAreNotOnSoINeedToStepMyMotheringGameUpABit
#IKnowWeAreLuckyAndThatThingsCouldBeALotWorse
#ButThisAllDoesSuckQuiteABit
#NowIWonderIfWeWillEvenBeAbleToSeeTiagosFamilyThisYear
#IImaginedBsEarlyLifeToBeVeryDifferentThoughLuckilySheDoesNotKnowThatSheIsMissingOutOnThings
#IThinkIFailToMentionHowSupportiveTiagoIsAsWell
#HeDoesALotForUsAndHeLooksAfterMyNanReallyWell
#YesterdayBStartedToClapALittleBitWhichWasQuiteCute
#IGotHerSomeFarmAnimalPuppetsAfterSeeingHerReactionToThemInHerBabyClasses
#IThinkSheIsHappyButIJustWantHerToBeAbleToHangOutWithMorePeopleAndBabiesInRealLife
#HopefullyWhenTheWeatherImprovesRulesWillHaveRelaxedABitAndWeCanJustSitOutsideWithMorePeople
#HerSkinSeemsALittleBetterAtLeastButIThinkItWillTakeAWhileToReturnToNormal
#TalkingAboutMyWorkAgainThoughLastNightIHadADreamThatIWonACompetitionInTimorLeste
#IWasCryingOnThePhoneBecauseIFeltLikeINeededTheConfidenceBoostAndDidNotEvenCareAboutHowMuchTheCallWasCostingMe
#TheWorkThatIWonWithWasReallyBizarreThoughLikePhotoshoppedSeascapesWithSeaCreaturesAndThings
#SoIWasBitGuttedThatItWasNotForMyMotherhoodProjectOrSomethingMoreMeaningfulToMe
#IGuessIAmFeelingABitLostAtTheMomentButItWillSoonPass

#AYearAgoTiagoAndIWereInOsloForAFewDaysAfterMyVeryFirstSoloShowHadOpened

Thanks Vasli Souza for the lovely show of my work. Installation shots and info here.

#ItFeltLikeACelebrationOfMyPreBabyLifeInAWay

I was hoping that I’d still be able to keep making work (I knew I’d find a way) and it was showing pictures from my pre-baby projects.

#IWas20ishWeeksPregnantAndFeelingALittleWorriedAboutCovid

I posted a picture on my insta story of a guy next to me on the plane invading my personal space. I was freaked out. I was trying to keep my distance and washing and sanitising my hands whenever I could. I bought some hand sanitiser at the airport.

#INeverWouldHaveThoughtThatItWouldBeTheYearThatItHas

Did any of us?

#IMentionMyShowNotToBoastButAsAHappyReminderToMyself #OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow

I think they’re more frequent occurrences than ‘once in a while’ to be fair.

(1st March – I’m currently in another patch. They are obviously more often than I thought, as I did not realise that the last patch was a few weeks ago…)

#TheOtherDayIWasFeelingBurnedOutInGeneral

Tired. I spent B’s naps in bed etc.

#AndNowIJustFeelABitMopeyAndWhyDoIBotherDoingAllMyWork #IKnowWhyAndItIsBecauseItIsTherapeuticForMe

Sometimes I do feel like I could just be relaxing instead of tiring myself out by doing my own stuff, but I do need to do it for my own sanity. Writing these hashtags took a while too as I felt a bit awkward and meh. I have no idea what I am going to do for the shoot. I think I might try and do something a bit more creative for my own sake…

#IAmGladWeMovedAsWeHaveTheExtraSupportAndIThinkIWouldBeSuperMiserableInLiverpoolRightNow #ILovedTheCityButWeJustFeltVeryStuckThereAndIFeltBadNotBeingAbleToSeeMyNan

I was calling my Nan on the phone every day and she sounded miserable, and I felt bad not being able to do anything to make her feel better.

#DuringTheWeekITendToDoTwoBabyClassesWithBInTheDay

I may have mentioned this recently, but what else do we do besides try to go out for a walk once a day? Yeah not much.

#OneInTheMorningFromYoutubeAndOneLiveOnZoomSoSheCanSeeOtherBabies

I have started to arrive early to them now as it’s usually the same class every day. Yesterday we were two minutes late and there was only one other Mum and baby there, so they were probably relieved that we turned up. Or maybe they were disappointed as they wanted the class to themselves?

#NextWeekItIsHalfTermAndTheLiveClassesAreNotOnSoINeedToStepMyMotheringGameUpABit

I like the live classes as it gives us something to aim for each day. I also like that I know she has had some ‘proper stimulation’, but I know most of the exercises/things we do off my heart now anyways.

#IKnowWeAreLuckyAndThatThingsCouldBeALotWorse

I feel bad whining as I know that a lot of people have lost and suffered a lot. I’m just pissed because my baby can’t meet a lot of my friends and I’m bored of WhatsApp groups. The group baby walk we were meant to go on got cancelled due to the smallest amount of snow…

#ButThisAllDoesSuckQuiteABit

Erghhhhhh.

#NowIWonderIfWeWillEvenBeAbleToSeeTiagosFamilyThisYear

There was talk on the TV yesterday about summer holidays. For now the rules are strict which is good BUT WHY WASN’T IT THIS STRICT 11 MONTHS AGO.

It must be hard for Tiago to not see his family/visit his home country/not be able to introduce his baby to everyone. He hasn’t even seen his London friends in over a year…

#IImaginedBsEarlyLifeToBeVeryDifferentThoughLuckilySheDoesNotKnowThatSheIsMissingOutOnThings

I was getting emotional writing all this. I had a conversation with a friend yesterday who feels like his young daughter is missing out. I said that I think it won’t affect them too much, but who knows.

It upset me that B cried so much when she last saw my Dad. Luckily she gets to see my Nan, Mum and younger sister on a regular basis in real life so that she does know more people really exist.

#IThinkIFailToMentionHowSupportiveTiagoIsAsWell #HeDoesALotForUsAndHeLooksAfterMyNanReallyWell

Of course he is B’s Dad, but it means a lot to me when he looks after her so I can do some work. He is more cheerful than me and has a strong positive presence which is great. He does spoil my Nan by buying her favourite fruit pies and he sits and talks to her while I work in the evenings.

#YesterdayBStartedToClapALittleBitWhichWasQuiteCute

She hasn’t done it yet today, but she was doing it before her first nap and then during her baby class and the teacher commented on it.

(Sad but when teacher’s praise B it makes me feel good. I need it.)

#IGotHerSomeFarmAnimalPuppetsAfterSeeingHerReactionToThemInHerBabyClasses

I spend a lot of the day making animal noises now. I was singing to her on the swing the other day and another Mum smiled at us as she went past with her baby. I felt a bit awkward as I realised she could probably hear me. Lately we seem to go to the playground at quiet times. It’s better for B as I talk/sing to her more while she swings, but she likes to look at other people…

#IThinkSheIsHappyButIJustWantHerToBeAbleToHangOutWithMorePeopleAndBabiesInRealLife #HopefullyWhenTheWeatherImprovesRulesWillHaveRelaxedABitAndWeCanJustSitOutsideWithMorePeople

Bring on the summerrrr. My Mum suggested getting some fake grass for the garden, so she can crawl around outside more. It’s all bricks outside at the moment, and it’d be nice to casually sit outside and not worry about the floor being too hard. We’ll see.

#HerSkinSeemsALittleBetterAtLeastButIThinkItWillTakeAWhileToReturnToNormal

This new ointment seems to keep her skin hydrated for longer. Hurrah.

#TalkingAboutMyWorkAgainThoughLastNightIHadADreamThatIWonACompetitionInTimorLeste

Random. It was an internet competition and I spent a lot of the dream trying to figure out when I entered it and what the prize was. I never found out. Probably for the best as I woke up disappointed that I had not won.

Awkward.

#IWasCryingOnThePhoneBecauseIFeltLikeINeededTheConfidenceBoostAndDidNotEvenCareAboutHowMuchTheCallWasCostingMe

Also awkward.

#TheWorkThatIWonWithWasReallyBizarreThoughLikePhotoshoppedSeascapesWithSeaCreaturesAndThings

Bizarre for me/my work.

#SoIWasBitGuttedThatItWasNotForMyMotherhoodProjectOrSomethingMoreMeaningfulToMe

Winners can’t be choosers?

#IGuessIAmFeelingABitLostAtTheMomentButItWillSoonPass

I rarely enter competitions now as I’d rather use the time to make work or do something with guaranteed results/an outcome, so I don’t think I’ll be winning anything soon.

I’ll get over it.


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Sixth Family Portrait (6th February 2021)

Sixth Family Portrait (6th February 2021)
 
#BHasStartedToSquealAndScreechALotInTheLastWeek
#ICallHerMyScreecherCreature
#NanMadeMeLaughTheOtherDayWhenSheAskedBIfSheWasAnOperaSinger
#SheAlsoKeptSayingHowCleverIWasAfterIOpenedAJarOfMarmalade
#BNowAlsoLikesToJustEatTheLabelsOnAnything
#SheWillBeSatInHerHighchairWithFoodInFrontOfHerAndSheJustWantsToEatTheLabelOnHerBib
#IAmWorriedThatBsFirstWordWillBeSkipDueToMeAlwaysSkippingSongsWhileSheEats
#SometimesINearlyCallHerAlexa
#IWasWorriedThatSheWouldThinkThatWasHerNameButIfISayAlexaSheLooksInTheDirectionOfTheMachine
#NowWhenSheDropsHerCupFromHerHighchairSheClosesHerEyesAndAnticipatesTheSoundOfItHittingTheFloor
#SheHasHadSomeReallyDryPatchesOnHerBodyForAWhileAndItIsStartingToUpsetMeABit
#WeApplyCreamALotButWeJustNeedToApplyItMore
#IHaveOrderedSomeOtherStuffThatAFriendRecommendedSoHopefullyItComesSoon
#SheHasADryPatchDevelopingOnHerFaceNowWhichMakesMeFeelWorse
#IUsedToGetReallyDrySkinWhenIWasYoungerThough
#IRememberHavingAReallyDryPatchRightByMyEyeForAbout6MonthsOrSoWhichMadeMeFeelWonderfulInHighSchool
#AnywaysAfterMyLastEntryISpokeToTheWomanWhoChecksOnMeEveryCoupleOfWeeks
#SheSaysIAmDoingEverythingPossibleButIJustNeedToBeMorePositiveAndKickNegativeThoughtsAway
#SheAskedHowTiagoIsAndIFeltBadAsIHadNotReallyThoughtAboutHowRecentEventsMightMakeHimFeel
#WeHadTalkedAboutItABitButIWasTooObsessedWithWhatOrWasNotHappeningToMyBodyAndHowIWasFeelingSoIMadeSureWeSpokeAboutItLater
#BIsGettingVeryQuickAtRemovingTiagosGlassesFromHisFace
#IJustRealisedThatHeUsuallyTakesThemOffForTheFamilyPortraitsSoSomePeopleMightNotBeAwareThatHeWearsThem
#WeProbablyStayedUpTooLateLastNight
#BWokeUpAtFiveThirtyButLuckilySheWentBackToSleepAfterAWhileAndThenTiagoGotHerUpAt7
#TheNightBeforeIWantedToGoToBedEarlyAsIWantedAGoodNapBeforeWakingUpForATalkAtMidnight
#ObviouslyIBarelyNappedAndThenICouldNotSleepForTwoHoursAfterTheTalkAsIFeltSoInspired
#IFeelSoGuiltyForMakingWorkAboutMyselfButThenIRealiseThatALotOfOtherPeopleAreDoingIt
#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAboutSoManyThingsAndJustCareLess
#IWantToGetMoreIntoPoetryAndOrCreativeWritingButIDoNotReallyKnowWhereToStart
#LastNightISuddenlyFeltInspiredToTryToWriteAPoemButItJustSeemedToTurnIntoMyHashtagWriting

#BHasStartedToSquealAndScreechALotInTheLastWeek

Typically it’s always after someone else mentions that their baby is squealing a lot.

#ICallHerMyScreecherCreature

She seems to like any names that rhyme – Pissy Missy has made her laugh on a few occasions…

#NanMadeMeLaughTheOtherDayWhenSheAskedBIfSheWasAnOperaSinger

I would love it if B did something to do with music. We attend enough music classes. This week we did one everyday again.

#SheAlsoKeptSayingHowCleverIWasAfterIOpenedAJarOfMarmalade

I could hear her telling Tiago how smart I was. Then later on she was telling me that I can do anything. This did start after I opened a jar of marmalade for her.

Nan’s a great cheerleader, though I wish she understood what I do with most of my free time and cheer me on with my art things. I feel like I need it…

#BNowAlsoLikesToJustEatTheLabelsOnAnything #SheWillBeSatInHerHighchairWithFoodInFrontOfHerAndSheJustWantsToEatTheLabelOnHerBib

Tiago got her up and looked after her this morning. I came into the room and B was eating a label on a cuddly toy…

#IAmWorriedThatBsFirstWordWillBeSkipDueToMeAlwaysSkippingSongsWhileSheEats #SometimesINearlyCallHerAlexa #IWasWorriedThatSheWouldThinkThatWasHerNameButIfISayAlexaSheLooksInTheDirectionOfTheMachine

My sister got us a device for Xmas. We didn’t think we’d need it, but it has become really useful – my hands are usually covered in porridge when I want to change songs. I just wish they’d sort out the volume control on them as turning the volume up by one usually makes it way too loud, or turning it down by one makes it too quiet. Hard life.

#NowWhenSheDropsHerCupFromHerHighchairSheClosesHerEyesAndAnticipatesTheSoundOfItHittingTheFloor

It is quite cute when she closes her eyes, but now I know she knows what she is doing.

She’s started to pick the cup up herself, but she drinks from it in weird ways. I’ll have to imitate it for a photo one day…

#SheHasHadSomeReallyDryPatchesOnHerBodyForAWhileAndItIsStartingToUpsetMeABit #WeApplyCreamALotButWeJustNeedToApplyItMore #IHaveOrderedSomeOtherStuffThatAFriendRecommendedSoHopefullyItComesSoon #SheHasADryPatchDevelopingOnHerFaceNowWhichMakesMeFeelWorse

I think I have mentioned it, but I’ve also not because I feel so bad about it.

Some days it does seem to be getting better, but then it goes bad again. I showed my Mum and she said to keep applying cream, though I’m hoping this other stuff will work.

#IUsedToGetReallyDrySkinWhenIWasYoungerThough #IRememberHavingAReallyDryPatchRightByMyEyeForAbout6MonthsOrSoWhichMadeMeFeelWonderfulInHighSchool

Mmm crusty eye. I’ve got a bit of a dry patch by my left eye right now – I think my eye has been getting dry from being on a computer more lately, so I was itching it and now the skin is upset. Great.

#AnywaysAfterMyLastEntryISpokeToTheWomanWhoChecksOnMeEveryCoupleOfWeeks #SheSaysIAmDoingEverythingPossibleButIJustNeedToBeMorePositiveAndKickNegativeThoughtsAway

I mentioned that the other night I was watching the monitor and then got really worried about B. I knew I was being silly, but sometimes you just get stuck in these thoughts.

I’ve mentioned before about me finding it easier to be negative about things. I finished reading Untamed last week and there was a bit where she talks about becoming more positive and then someone commenting that they now find it hard to relate to her. Food for thought.

#SheAskedHowTiagoIsAndIFeltBadAsIHadNotReallyThoughtAboutHowRecentEventsMightMakeHimFeel #WeHadTalkedAboutItABitButIWasTooObsessedWithWhatOrWasNotHappeningToMyBodyAndHowIWasFeelingSoIMadeSureWeSpokeAboutItLater

Sorry Tiago – I was a bit too wrapped up in my own thoughts and feelings. These hashtags today are making me feel awkward. Maybe this whole project is a bit too self obsessed. Maybe I am self obsessed? I was wondering about that the other night.

Merriam-Webster says ‘excessively preoccupied with oneself or with one’s own concerns’.

Hmm, yes and no. I feel like I could write an essay about this, but I want to finish writing this so I can make some scones for B while she is still asleep (and catch-up on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK).

#BIsGettingVeryQuickAtRemovingTiagosGlassesFromHisFace

Super speedy.

#IJustRealisedThatHeUsuallyTakesThemOffForTheFamilyPortraitsSoSomePeopleMightNotBeAwareThatHeWearsThem

I am hoping a family portrait will accompany this. I want to try to include Nan, but let’s see.

(7th February: Well, we did a shoot. We tried to do some more ‘typical’ family portraits, but it ended up being a bit more documentary which is quite nice actually. Typically I talk about Tiago not wearing glasses in them, but he ended up having them on this time. Maybe we’ll get Nan in a future shoot.)

#WeProbablyStayedUpTooLateLastNight

11 o’clock. Just faffing on our phones…

#BWokeUpAtFiveThirtyButLuckilySheWentBackToSleepAfterAWhileAndThenTiagoGotHerUpAt7

I could not get out of bed to go to her at 5.30am. I talked to her through the baby monitor, and then turned the heating on in her room via my phone. Eventually she went back to sleep.

Tiago tends to get up with her. He tells me to rest, but my brain is usually just thinking about what I want to do today. I did some yoga and posted a blog post. Then I came back to write the hashtags after Tiago said I could have another half an hour. I planned to write the blog post then too, but nope!

#TheNightBeforeIWantedToGoToBedEarlyAsIWantedAGoodNapBeforeWakingUpForATalkAtMidnight #ObviouslyIBarelyNappedAndThenICouldNotSleepForTwoHoursAfterTheTalkAsIFeltSoInspired

The talk was so good – it’s online here.

I knew they would probably put it online afterwards, but I did not want to miss it just in case. I also like to try to attend events when they happen as it is somewhat easier to see it live than watch a recording – did that make any sense? I was just lying in bed watching it, which I probably would not do with a recording – I’d feel like I had to sit at my desk and work on other things which is not necessarily bad.

#IFeelSoGuiltyForMakingWorkAboutMyselfButThenIRealiseThatALotOfOtherPeopleAreDoingIt

All the artists were making work about themselves, their families and/or about something very personal.

I think now with pandemic a lot more people are turning inwards too so I don’t know why I find it so awkward.

#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAboutSoManyThingsAndJustCareLess

An article did once call me the Queen of Awkward, and I think that is still the case.

I’ve been thinking about trying to get funding for my work. Trying to balance ‘normal’ work, personal work and looking after a baby is a bit tough. Other people get funding to make their personal work, so why can’t I?

#IWantToGetMoreIntoPoetryAndOrCreativeWritingButIDoNotReallyKnowWhereToStart #LastNightISuddenlyFeltInspiredToTryToWriteAPoemButItJustSeemedToTurnIntoMyHashtagWriting

I am writing this more just as a reminder to myself. Maybe there is more I can do with the hashtags? I want to experiment with and learn about other art forms. I think with photography I just know how it all works and though my confidence is low I will show it, whereas with other art forms I just feel a bit lost and unsure. A few years ago I was painting a bit and sharing them, but then I felt awkward and I started a project that required me to travel so it got put on the back burner. I need to go back to things and I need to make time to try things.

I can’t believe how much free time I used to have that I completely wasted. I should have relaxed more, tried new things and just lived a bit more.

Oh well.


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It Has Been A Weird Couple Of Weeks (3rd February 2021)

Trigger warning: Miscarriage(?).

B sat between my legs looking down at her hands
It Has Been A Weird Couple Of Weeks (3rd February 2021)
 
#ItHasBeenAWeirdCoupleOfWeeks
#IDidNotKnowIfIWouldTalkAboutItHereButIDecidedIShouldAsThisProjectIsTryingToBeAsHonestAsPossible
#BasicallyOverTwoWeeksAgoIWasWakingUpInTheMorningFeelingSick
#AfterThreeOrSoDaysOfItIDecidedToDoAPregnancyTestWhichWasPositive
#SoIStartedToMakeANewPregnancyProjectAndIThoughtIWasManagingMyMorningSicknessWell
#AfterAboutAWeekAndAHalfIWasGettingQuiteBadCrampsAndSomeBleeding
#SoICalledUpTheDoctorsAndTheyCalledMeInToExamineMyTummy
#AndTheyDid3PregnancyTestsWhichWereAllNegative
#ThingsGotABitWorseAndTheyMadeMeDoAPregnancyBloodTestWhichAlsoCameBackNegative
#ItWasAndIsABitOfAConfusingSituationAsWasIEverActuallyPregnantOrNotIsHardToSay
#ISpentSomeTimeThinkingIWasAndMadeWorkAboutItAndTheDoctorsVisitsAndWaitingForResultsEtc
#IAmNotSureIfIWillEverShowItOrShareItButItFeelsSomewhatImportantToSayThatItExists
#InMyLastEntryITalkedAboutNotBeingThatBotheredAboutMeetingPeople
#ThoughInTheLastWeekIHaveHad3DifferentPeopleTalkToMeAtThePlaygroundWhenBeforeNoOneReallySpokeToMe
#OneWomanAskedIfIWasPlanningOnHavingAnymoreKidsAndAtThatPointIDidNotKnowWhatWasHappeningToMyBodyAndJustSaidYeahIHopeSo
#SheSaidSheHadTwoKidsWithAnEightYearGapAndTheyHadGivenUpOnHavingAnotherOneWhenSheGotPregnantWithHerYoungest
#WeWouldLikeTwoKidsButIWouldNotLikeAn8YearGapButIGuessWeHaveToSeeWhatHappens
#ItAlsoFeelsAwkwardTalkingAboutThisAsBeingPregnantWithBIWorriedThatIWouldLoseOutOnOpportunitiesByBeingPregnant
#NowThatIAmSayingWeWouldLikeAnotherKidOutLoudItFeelsLikeAgainIMightBeDismissedSomewhatForIt
#WeStartedSleepTrainingBAsIDidNotWantToBePregnantAndBeingWokenUpAllNight
#LastNightWePutHerToBedAt7AndIHadToWakeHerUpAt7WhichIsVeryRare
#EvenThoughWeSleptWellICouldHaveSleptForAnother10Hours
#ButYeahIWouldLikeToMeetSomeLocalPeopleButIAmNoGoodInGroupConversationsOnZoom
#ThereIsALocalWalkNextWeekForParentsWhichIsNiceAsTheyHaveBeenCancelledForAWhile
#IWasAlsoTryingToProtectMyselfAsIThoughtIWasPregnantAndShouldStayAwayFromPeopleForABit
#IAmEnjoyingBsZoomClassesButSheJustSeemsToTryAndEatEverything
#WhenItsTimeForKitchenInstrumentsSheJustEatsTheSpatulaAndIfITakeThatAwaySheTriesToEatThePan
#LastNightWeWereLyingOnTheFloorAndIWasReadingHerBooksAndSheLookedOverAtMeInASuperCuteWay
#SoILeanedTowardsHerAndThenSheJustStartedToStickHerFingersInMyEyesAndUpMyNose
#SheDoesNotKnowWhatSheIsDoingSoIAmGoingToTakeThatAsASignOfHerAffection

#ItHasBeenAWeirdCoupleOfWeeks #IDidNotKnowIfIWouldTalkAboutItHereButIDecidedIShouldAsThisProjectIsTryingToBeAsHonestAsPossible

I spoke to a friend yesterday and she said in some ways it was important to talk about it.

#BasicallyOverTwoWeeksAgoIWasWakingUpInTheMorningFeelingSick #AfterThreeOrSoDaysOfItIDecidedToDoAPregnancyTestWhichWasPositive #SoIStartedToMakeANewPregnancyProjectAndIThoughtIWasManagingMyMorningSicknessWell

Drinking plenty and eating snacks. I was determined to not have a Puke Portraits II project.

#AfterAboutAWeekAndAHalfIWasGettingQuiteBadCrampsAndSomeBleeding #SoICalledUpTheDoctorsAndTheyCalledMeInToExamineMyTummy #AndTheyDid3PregnancyTestsWhichWereAllNegative #ThingsGotABitWorseAndTheyMadeMeDoAPregnancyBloodTestWhichAlsoCameBackNegative #ItWasAndIsABitOfAConfusingSituationAsWasIEverActuallyPregnantOrNotIsHardToSay

I thought I better put a trigger warning on the post. I did bleed, but was it a period or more than that? My period(?) was 4 days early, which rarely happens. I had had a period a month previously, but I did have a bit of one when I was pregnant with B. I was really heavy for 2 days and then it pretty much stopped which had made me suspicious.

The blood test was just to see if I was still pregnant or not, but they will never be able to tell me if I was pregnant or not.

(Before I did the home pregnancy test I was also needing to go to the toilet more and I had even thought to myself ‘I’m doing kegels everyday, why do I suddenly need to wee more?’)

#ISpentSomeTimeThinkingIWasAndMadeWorkAboutItAndTheDoctorsVisitsAndWaitingForResultsEtc

I started to mentally prepare myself for being pregnant again. I was super anxious about something bad happening. I have a phone call every 2 weeks about my mental health and my anxiety was through the roof.

I really thought I was wasting their time by calling about cramps and slight bleeding, but I was just crying my eyes out that day in worry.

Thanks to the NHS for their help. I read an article the other day about maternity staff feeling overwhelmed – when I called the hospital to book my first appointment the woman on the phone said her and her colleagues were really at the end of their tethers that day.

#IAmNotSureIfIWillEverShowItOrShareItButItFeelsSomewhatImportantToSayThatItExists

I spent time writing hashtags and blog posts, not being sure if I’ll ever share them but it was really therapeutic for me.

#InMyLastEntryITalkedAboutNotBeingThatBotheredAboutMeetingPeople #ThoughInTheLastWeekIHaveHad3DifferentPeopleTalkToMeAtThePlaygroundWhenBeforeNoOneReallySpokeToMe

I am just so bad at conversations now. A Dad was talking to me the other day and I realised that I had not really spoken more than a few words to a random man in a long time.

#OneWomanAskedIfIWasPlanningOnHavingAnymoreKidsAndAtThatPointIDidNotKnowWhatWasHappeningToMyBodyAndJustSaidYeahIHopeSo #SheSaidSheHadTwoKidsWithAnEightYearGapAndTheyHadGivenUpOnHavingAnotherOneWhenSheGotPregnantWithHerYoungest

It must have been such a ride for her.

#WeWouldLikeTwoKidsButIWouldNotLikeAn8YearGapButIGuessWeHaveToSeeWhatHappens

An 8 year gap would mean me having a kid at 40ish and I do not see that happening.

#ItAlsoFeelsAwkwardTalkingAboutThisAsBeingPregnantWithBIWorriedThatIWouldLoseOutOnOpportunitiesByBeingPregnant #NowThatIAmSayingWeWouldLikeAnotherKidOutLoudItFeelsLikeAgainIMightBeDismissedSomewhatForIt

I am saying I want a kid and if I was pregnant now it would be great. However our bodies don’t just do what we want them to and I do not know when it will happen, so reach out to me with any opportunities you have. I kept making dance videos until the day before I gave birth last time. I’m fine…

#WeStartedSleepTrainingBAsIDidNotWantToBePregnantAndBeingWokenUpAllNight #LastNightWePutHerToBedAt7AndIHadToWakeHerUpAt7WhichIsVeryRare #EvenThoughWeSleptWellICouldHaveSleptForAnother10Hours

The night before she had woken up a few times and I was relieved to see that it was midnight and not 6am as I wanted more sleep.

This morning I woke up and saw it was 6.30am and she was not awake yet.

The more sleep you get the more sleep you want. I’ve been going to bed early – I think I did around 10.30pm last night, but I need to aim more for 10.

Usually B wakes up around 4.30ish, but we don’t get her out of her cot until 6. She may just have been tired from all the zoom calls and trying to crawl yesterday.

#ButYeahIWouldLikeToMeetSomeLocalPeopleButIAmNoGoodInGroupConversationsOnZoom

Unless they are good friends of mine, but even then I feel awkward and think I say too much rubbish.

#ThereIsALocalWalkNextWeekForParentsWhichIsNiceAsTheyHaveBeenCancelledForAWhile

B is always asleep during the zoom calls so I never join them. Arranged walks are nice as I guess we get paired off and then can just chat about life.

#IWasAlsoTryingToProtectMyselfAsIThoughtIWasPregnantAndShouldStayAwayFromPeopleForABit

I was happy though, but yeah I thought it was for the best that I could not mix closely with other people. Nan and Tiago both have had their vaccines so in some way I’m the most vulnerable now, as babies do not really get/react badly to Covid (I think?).

#IAmEnjoyingBsZoomClassesButSheJustSeemsToTryAndEatEverything #WhenItsTimeForKitchenInstrumentsSheJustEatsTheSpatulaAndIfITakeThatAwaySheTriesToEatThePan

She just eats EVERYTHING. It’s cute, but funny. I feel like our screen on zoom is B just hitting me in the head on accident and/or eating everything I give to her or am holding.

#LastNightWeWereLyingOnTheFloorAndIWasReadingHerBooksAndSheLookedOverAtMeInASuperCuteWay #SoILeanedTowardsHerAndThenSheJustStartedToStickHerFingersInMyEyesAndUpMyNose #SheDoesNotKnowWhatSheIsDoingSoIAmGoingToTakeThatAsASignOfHerAffection

I thought we were having a really sweet moment. It was cute. But also a bit painful…


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Trying To Imitate How B Looks After She Has Slept On Her Hands (31st January 2021)

Self-portrait with some marks on my face from where I tried to imitate my daughter by lying on my hands.
Trying To Imitate How B Looks After She Has Slept On Her Hands (31st January 2021)
 
#BHasSuddenlyGotMoreMobile
#YesterdaySheStartedToRollOntoHerFrontThenBackOntoHerBack
#SheHasDoneItABitBeforeButMoreOnAccident
#NowSheKnowsWhatSheIsDoingAndUsesItToGetAroundMore
#SheWasAlsoCrawlingBackwardsABit
#YouCanSeeThatSheKnowsWhatSheNeedsToDoToCrawlForward
#ButItIsProbablyTheCarpetThatIsStoppingHerSomewhatRightNow
#IDoNotThinkItWillBeLongBeforeSheIsCrawling
#GoodbyeToTheDaysWhereYouCanPutHerDownAndLeaveTheRoomFor5SecondsToGetSomethingAndExpectToFindHerInTheSameArea
#WeAreStartingToBabyproofTheLivingRoomWithTowels
#ThisMorningSheWasAlsoBlowingALotOfRaspberries
#ItIsFunnySeeingHerOnTheBabyMonitorNow
#IAmGladWeDidNotHaveOneBeforeAsYouCanQuiteObsessedWatchingItAndSeeingEveryMovement
#ItIsCuteSeeingBFallAsleepOnHerSideAsIfSheWasTooTiredToEvenRollOntoHerFrontToSleep
#ButWhenSheDoesSleepOnHerFrontSheAlwaysSleepsOnHerHandsAndHasBigMarksWhereHerFingersWere
#SheHasNotLearnedTheArtOfTurningHerHeadToTheSideToSleepOnHerFrontYet
#IWillTryToRecreateTheFingerMarksOnMyHeadForThePhotoButLetsSeeHowLongIHaveToLieOnMyFrontFor
#SheSeemsToPreferSleepingOnHerFrontForNapsAndThenOnHerBackForNight
#ThoughTheOtherNightSheWasOnHerFrontAtNightAndIThoughtOhEventuallyWeWillHaveToGoInToTurnHerOverWhenSheScreams
#ButAtSomePointSheObviouslyRolledOntoHerBackAndItWasFine
#IAmStartingToFeelALittleDrainedAgain
#IHaveNotMadeMuchOfAnEffortToTalkToLocalPeopleLately
#ThoughTypicallyIFeelLikeThisAndThenPeopleStartToTalkToUsAtThePlaygroundMore
#IGuessIFeelLikeIHaveEnoughPeopleToTalkToThatICanNotSeeDueToCovid
#IAlsoHaveLessFreeTimeTheseDaysAndIDoNotFeelTheNeedToMakeLocalFriendsAsMuch
#ThoughThisWillProbablyChangeSoonWhenTheWeatherGetsBetterAndWeCanHopefullySpendMoreTimeOutdoors
#WeDoBabyClassesOnZoomWhereAtLeastBGetsToSeeSomeOtherBabies
#EspeciallyAsThereIsAlwaysABitWhereWeDanceTheBabiesUpToOurCamerasWhichIsRidiculouslyCute
#IFeelLikeIAmGettingQuiteObsessedWithBsScheduleAgainAndIAmQuiteUsedToOurDailyLife
#IGuessInNonPandemicTimesIWouldHaveGotUsedToAlteringItForThingsLikeClassesAndPlaydatesButIFeelLikeICanNotReallySwayAwayFromThingsRightNow

#BHasSuddenlyGotMoreMobile #YesterdaySheStartedToRollOntoHerFrontThenBackOntoHerBack #SheHasDoneItABitBeforeButMoreOnAccident #NowSheKnowsWhatSheIsDoingAndUsesItToGetAroundMore #SheWasAlsoCrawlingBackwardsABit #YouCanSeeThatSheKnowsWhatSheNeedsToDoToCrawlForward #ButItIsProbablyTheCarpetThatIsStoppingHerSomewhatRightNow #IDoNotThinkItWillBeLongBeforeSheIsCrawling

I do not usually bunch so many hashtags together, but this all fits together quite well.

It’s like a switch suddenly got flicked in her brain and she’s now hyperactive.

This morning after breakfast you could see that she just wanted to get back on the floor to try things out.

#GoodbyeToTheDaysWhereYouCanPutHerDownAndLeaveTheRoomFor5SecondsToGetSomethingAndExpectToFindHerInTheSameArea

I will miss them, but I am also excited to see B moving about.

#WeAreStartingToBabyproofTheLivingRoomWithTowels

I did an online first aid class and they were saying that a rolled up towel is good for some things – there’s a fireplace with bricks around it, which now has a big towel over the ledge.

#ThisMorningSheWasAlsoBlowingALotOfRaspberries

She was just blowing them in Tiago’s face. I did laugh… She also likes to blow raspberries more when she eats too.

#ItIsFunnySeeingHerOnTheBabyMonitorNow #IAmGladWeDidNotHaveOneBeforeAsYouCanQuiteObsessedWatchingItAndSeeingEveryMovement

Every arm flap makes me feel concerned. ‘Oh, she is going to wake up! No she didn’t…’ I turn it off unless I need it on – I’m far away/she cries and I want to see what is happening.

#ItIsCuteSeeingBFallAsleepOnHerSideAsIfSheWasTooTiredToEvenRollOntoHerFrontToSleep

Very cute.

#ButWhenSheDoesSleepOnHerFrontSheAlwaysSleepsOnHerHandsAndHasBigMarksWhereHerFingersWere #SheHasNotLearnedTheArtOfTurningHerHeadToTheSideToSleepOnHerFrontYet #IWillTryToRecreateTheFingerMarksOnMyHeadForThePhotoButLetsSeeHowLongIHaveToLieOnMyFrontFor

I was going to do this for the last shoot, but I felt like I could not justify lying on my front for a while. Today it is Sunday and I’ve done my ‘work work’ for the week so I am less stressed. I need to set up the camera before I lie down though as it might fade quick. Will I fall asleep? I might listen to a podcast or something.

B was up at 6 so she might sleep for another hour and a half now (it is 9.30am), but knowing my luck she will be awake in 10 minutes.

#SheSeemsToPreferSleepingOnHerFrontForNapsAndThenOnHerBackForNight #ThoughTheOtherNightSheWasOnHerFrontAtNightAndIThoughtOhEventuallyWeWillHaveToGoInToTurnHerOverWhenSheScreams #ButAtSomePointSheObviouslyRolledOntoHerBackAndItWasFine

Great. Though last night she was screaming as she was on her front and we did turn her over. Maybe we should have left her, but it had been 5 minutes. She was probably tired from all of her moving around last night.

She does seem to move around the cot quite a lot now.

#IAmStartingToFeelALittleDrainedAgain

I kept rewriting this half of the hashtags as I felt like I wasn’t explaining myself well.

#IHaveNotMadeMuchOfAnEffortToTalkToLocalPeopleLately #ThoughTypicallyIFeelLikeThisAndThenPeopleStartToTalkToUsAtThePlaygroundMore

I was using a lot of apps and things before, but now I just do not have the energy. The other day I was lost in my own thoughts while pushing B on a swing and someone started to chat to me. The next day someone else spoke to us.

#IGuessIFeelLikeIHaveEnoughPeopleToTalkToThatICanNotSeeDueToCovid

I have not seen a lot of my friends in over a year… (I know this is the case for a lot of people to.)

#IAlsoHaveLessFreeTimeTheseDaysAndIDoNotFeelTheNeedToMakeLocalFriendsAsMuch

At the moment it feels like the best thing to do is to stay away from people. Also having to start over with people from square one is always awkward. People who have known me for a while know me and what I do and I do not have to explain things which is great.

It’s the whole starting over from the beginning with people that is tiring, and then they usually do not talk to you for a while/long time/ever again for whatever reason. I do not have the energy for it right now.

#ThoughThisWillProbablyChangeSoonWhenTheWeatherGetsBetterAndWeCanHopefullySpendMoreTimeOutdoors

Oh yeah when we can go out as many times as we want and can just sit on the grass it will be great. At the moment when B naps I get things done. When she’s awake we have many hours to pass, so just chilling outside with people talking about things and letting the babies play sounds awesome.

#WeDoBabyClassesOnZoomWhereAtLeastBGetsToSeeSomeOtherBabies #EspeciallyAsThereIsAlwaysABitWhereWeDanceTheBabiesUpToOurCamerasWhichIsRidiculouslyCute

Last week I did not do as many as I planned. I think we managed 3 out of 5 days? I do wish they had them at the weekend as it’s a good way to pass time. I do do YouTube classes with her, but it’s not the same as watching other babies on the screen.

#IFeelLikeIAmGettingQuiteObsessedWithBsScheduleAgainAndIAmQuiteUsedToOurDailyLife #IGuessInNonPandemicTimesIWouldHaveGotUsedToAlteringItForThingsLikeClassesAndPlaydatesButIFeelLikeICanNotReallySwayAwayFromThingsRightNow

Going out to classes was stressful, but I did feel good when I had organised things well. Now I worry about B falling asleep on the way to or from classes when she shouldn’t, but it didn’t really do much damage anyways. I guess it will be a while until we have classes in real life again, and by then I’ll know more what I am doing with B’s schedule.

Yesterday she had a big breakfast and a tiny lunch. I think this morning it was quite a big breakfast, so I will push back lunch a bit. Things like this help with scheduling her day, and B eats well enough now that she can eat when we are out and about.

Boring stuff, but it’s what I think about.

Time to lie on the floor for a shoot…

(I did not have to lie on my hands for as long as I thought I would have to to get results, but my hands are bony and it did hurt. B’s hands are a lot more fleshy. It just looks like I’ve had sunglasses on for too long or something… Fail.)


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B Likes To Hold Onto My Finger When She Eats (26th January 2021)

B holding onto the index finger of my left hand. Both of our hands have food on them.
B Likes To Hold On To My Finger When She Eats (26th January 2021)
 
#BIsStillSleepingWellThoughSomeMorningsSheDoesWakeUpAround5
#YesterdaySheWokeUpAtFourThirtyButWentBackToSleepUntil7
#TodaySheWokeUpAt5AndWasQuietForABitButThenStartedToMakeNoise
#WeDoNotGetHerUpUntilSheHasBeenInHerCotForAtLeast11HoursThough
#HerHeaterBrokeThreeNightsAgoSoWeOrderedANewOne
#ThoughDueToSnowTiagoOnlyManagedToPickItUpYesterdaySoSheHadToMakeDoWithANotSoGreatOne
#WeAlsoFinallyGotABabyMonitorWhichSeemsABitLateAsSheIsEdgingTowards8MonthsOld
#InLiverpoolWeLivedInAFlatWhereSheWasNeverThatFarAwayAndWeCouldAlwaysHearHer
#AtMyNansIfIAmDownstairsIAlwaysHaveToGoToTheBottomOfTheStairsToSeeIfICanHearHerSoThisWillMakeThingsMuchEasier
#IAmLessStressedAboutHerEatingNowThatWeDoNotFeedHerInTheNightAndSheEatsBetterDuringTheDay
#SheTendsToNotEatMuchAtLunchSometimesButIThinkThatIsNormalAsSheAlwaysEatsHerPorridgeAtBreakfastWhichMustBeQuiteFilling
#INeedToRememberToTalkToBMoreAtMealsAsIFeelLikeIAmJustDaydreamingOrDoNotKnowWhatToSayToHer
#ITendToPutMusicOnSoAtLeastISingButHerMealtimesAreAlsoGettingShorterWhichIsGreat
#IAmFeelingLessGuiltyAboutPassingHerToMyNanForABit
#TheyWatchTelevisionTogetherAndMyNanIsReallyGoodAtTalkingToHerAboutWhatIsOnScreen
#IDoWorryThatSheHasTooMuchScreenTimeAlreadyButSomeDaysSheBarelyHasAny
#ThisLockdownIAmGettingMoreIntoOnlineBabyClasses
#LastWeekWeDidOneEveryWeekdayAsItIsNiceForHerToSeeOtherBabies
#IDoWorryThatSheIsMissingOutABitByNotGoingToClassesInRealLifeButWhatAreWeToDo
#IAmReallyNotGoodWithTheLocalWhatsappGroupsThatIAmIn
#OneIsAGroupOfLocalMumsWhoHaveTwoOnlineCallsAWeekButTheyNowBothFallDuringBsNaptimes
#IFeelWeirdAttendingThemWithoutABabyAndWhenBIsAsleepItIsMyTimeToGetThingsDone
#TheOtherNightIHadADreamThatWeWereGoingToPortugalOnHolidayTheNextDayAndIWasSadWhenIWokeUpAndRealisedItWasJustADream
#IAlsoDreamtThatBSuddenlyGrewAllHerTeethAndItWasStrange
#ICanNotReallyImagineHerWithTeeth
#TiagoGetsHisVaccineTodayBecauseOfHisWork
#HeWasOfferedOneAFewWeeksAgoButHisCarWasPlayingUpAndItWasFarAway
#IGuessIWillNotBeGettingOneForAVeryLongTimeAndIGuessBWillBeWaitingLongerIfSheIsEvenAllowedToHaveIt
#WhenTheGovernmentAnnouncedTheNewLockdownIKnewThereWasNoPointThinkingAboutWhenIsItGoingToBeOver
#IAmJustTryingToTakeThingsOneDayAtATimeButTheOtherDayIDidGetABitAnnoyedByItAllAsThereAreSoManyPeopleThatBHasNotMetYetButWhatCanWeDo

#BIsStillSleepingWellThoughSomeMorningsSheDoesWakeUpAround5

Last night was night 10 of sleep training.

#YesterdaySheWokeUpAtFourThirtyButWentBackToSleepUntil7

I thought she would not go back to sleep. We went in to see if she was okay and then she fell asleep. When we got her up her nappy was super heavy, so I felt like we should have checked and changed it earlier.

#TodaySheWokeUpAt5AndWasQuietForABitButThenStartedToMakeNoise

T went in to check on her and changed her nappy. It wasn’t even heavy. She didn’t go back to sleep… Tomorrow we will just leave it until we get up unless it smells bad.

#WeDoNotGetHerUpUntilSheHasBeenInHerCotForAtLeast11HoursThough

And then we start her wake window from the time that we get her up. This means that sometimes she is awake for 4+ hours before naptime, but today she wasn’t that annoyed about it. The first wake window should be 2 hours 45 – 3 hours, so I put her down after 2 hours 45.

I do not mind her getting up at 6 now though as we have usually had a good sleep and it means her naps will be longer so I can get things done, or have a rest.

It’s just annoying when she wakes up at 4.30 or 5 and doesn’t go back to sleep as I can not sleep if she is crying. Hopefully soon she’ll realise that ‘okay if they’re not going me up then I need to go back to sleep’. Let’s see!

#HerHeaterBrokeThreeNightsAgoSoWeOrderedANewOne

If you missed it – the first night of sleep training didn’t go great, but we think it was because she was too cold. The heater on a timer has been great.

#ThoughDueToSnowTiagoOnlyManagedToPickItUpYesterdaySoSheHadToMakeDoWithANotSoGreatOne

We were going to get it delivered, but the delivery slot was after she would have gone to bed so T was going to see if he could pick it up. It just kept snowing… Yesterday Tiago dug his car out and went out.

I was a bit anxious about using the other heater, but it was fine.

#WeAlsoFinallyGotABabyMonitorWhichSeemsABitLateAsSheIsEdgingTowards8MonthsOld

As we were ordering the heater I thought we should just order a monitor and be done with it. We were dragging out making a decision for far too long.

In the end it was between two, but we couldn’t click and collect on one of them so that made it an easier choice.

#InLiverpoolWeLivedInAFlatWhereSheWasNeverThatFarAwayAndWeCouldAlwaysHearHer

Our little office was the room next to the bedroom so you could hear her easily.

#AtMyNansIfIAmDownstairsIAlwaysHaveToGoToTheBottomOfTheStairsToSeeIfICanHearHerSoThisWillMakeThingsMuchEasier

Tiago’s office is now below her room so he can hear her well, but he is often on a work call and if I am in the kitchen then it is annoying having to go and check on her. Now I can be more relaxed when I’m downstairs.

We don’t have it turned on if we’re asleep as we can hear her well from our room if she is properly crying. I had the monitor with me while I was brushing my teeth downstairs last night and I can see how people can get quite obsessed with watching the monitor…

#IAmLessStressedAboutHerEatingNowThatWeDoNotFeedHerInTheNightAndSheEatsBetterDuringTheDay

Before I was just worried about whether she was getting enough to eat, so we would feed her in the night. Now I know that she can go for 12+ hours without being fed I am a bit more relaxed.

#SheTendsToNotEatMuchAtLunchSometimesButIThinkThatIsNormalAsSheAlwaysEatsHerPorridgeAtBreakfastWhichMustBeQuiteFilling

I looked at different feeding schedules, but I decided that she should have about 3.5 to 4 hours between each solid meal. The porridge is definitely filling so it’s best to push lunch a little later, then she has dinner about 3 and a half hours after, and then milk before bed. She also has some milk when she wakes up, then porridge a couple of hours after.

#INeedToRememberToTalkToBMoreAtMealsAsIFeelLikeIAmJustDaydreamingOrDoNotKnowWhatToSayToHer

I wrote the hashtags this morning when Tiago had her for a little bit.

I gave her breakfast an hour-ish ago and I made an effort to talk to her more.

#ITendToPutMusicOnSoAtLeastISingButHerMealtimesAreAlsoGettingShorterWhichIsGreat

We had Madonna on this morning. Sometimes I am always skipping artists and tracks and I accidentally call B Alexa… She probably does think that is her name.

#IAmFeelingLessGuiltyAboutPassingHerToMyNanForABit #TheyWatchTelevisionTogetherAndMyNanIsReallyGoodAtTalkingToHerAboutWhatIsOnScreen

Though I can not work while Nan has her. Yesterday I tried to do a bit of work while I was sat in the same room and it was difficult. This morning I tried to write my blog post. Nope. So in future I’ll just stick to tidying up or cooking while Nan has her.

#IDoWorryThatSheHasTooMuchScreenTimeAlreadyButSomeDaysSheBarelyHasAny

I was trying to take this photo of B holding my hand/finger and B just wanted to grab my phone. In the end I had to call Tiago in to distract her. He showed her some Portuguese kids songs and she went off into her own world.

Once the weather gets warmer and we can go out for as many walks as we want I just want to be outside with B as much as possible. For now it’s winter and we’re locked down so our options are limited.

#ThisLockdownIAmGettingMoreIntoOnlineBabyClasses

I think B was too young when I was doing them in Liverpool and the classes were quite long.

#LastWeekWeDidOneEveryWeekdayAsItIsNiceForHerToSeeOtherBabies

The classes are around 30 minutes and B has a longer attention span now. She rarely needs to have a nappy changed in class and she doesn’t need feeding, so it’s a lot easier.

#IDoWorryThatSheIsMissingOutABitByNotGoingToClassesInRealLifeButWhatAreWeToDo

At in real life classes she’d just look around at everyone. She doesn’t know that her life should be different than this which is good. Kudos to those home-schooling and looking after kids who know how life used to be.

#IAmReallyNotGoodWithTheLocalWhatsappGroupsThatIAmIn

I rarely say anything. I find them stressful to read at times and they’re just a distraction.

#OneIsAGroupOfLocalMumsWhoHaveTwoOnlineCallsAWeekButTheyNowBothFallDuringBsNaptimes #IFeelWeirdAttendingThemWithoutABabyAndWhenBIsAsleepItIsMyTimeToGetThingsDone

I’d like to get to know them, but the group was originally for walks and they’re not running at the moment. Hopefully when they run we can try to meet them, but B might be asleep then too. I guess at some point I’ll just have to propose having a meeting at some other time and/or I should tell them that B sleeps during those times.

For now I’d rather keep my me time for me. B is awake so much during the day that we can chat to people then.

#TheOtherNightIHadADreamThatWeWereGoingToPortugalOnHolidayTheNextDayAndIWasSadWhenIWokeUpAndRealisedItWasJustADream

I was quite gutted.

#IAlsoDreamtThatBSuddenlyGrewAllHerTeethAndItWasStrange #ICanNotReallyImagineHerWithTeeth

I really can’t imagine B with teeth, I can’t imagine her crawling (it will be soon I’m sure), I can’t imagine B walking (she loves standing on her feet though), and I can’t imagine B talking.

#TiagoGetsHisVaccineTodayBecauseOfHisWork #HeWasOfferedOneAFewWeeksAgoButHisCarWasPlayingUpAndItWasFarAway

He would have had to go to the outskirts of London for it. He only has to go about 20 minutes away now which is better.

#IGuessIWillNotBeGettingOneForAVeryLongTimeAndIGuessBWillBeWaitingLongerIfSheIsEvenAllowedToHaveIt

I wonder when they’ll both get their next vaccines. I hope Nan gets hers soon.

#WhenTheGovernmentAnnouncedTheNewLockdownIKnewThereWasNoPointThinkingAboutWhenIsItGoingToBeOver

As in I was thinking it would be a long way away.

#IAmJustTryingToTakeThingsOneDayAtATimeButTheOtherDayIDidGetABitAnnoyedByItAllAsThereAreSoManyPeopleThatBHasNotMetYetButWhatCanWeDo

Basically we just have to sit and wait. Yeah it’s annoying, but we’re lucky that we’re okay. It is weird when I suddenly realise how long this has been going on for, but odd to think that people were going away on holiday in the summer too. This is the longest that I haven’t been out of the country in a very long time. I guess last year was the first year that Tiago hadn’t been in Portugal for the first time in his life (I’ll have to check with him about that). I’d just like to go swimming…


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My Temporary Desk Situation And B Who Was Supposed To Be Having A Long First Nap (22nd January 2021)

My Temporary Desk Situation And B Who Was Supposed To Be Having A Long First Nap (22nd January 2021)
 
#SoLastNightWasNight6OfSleepTraining
#TheFirstNightWasDefinitelyTheWorstAndIThinkThatWasJustBecauseSheWasCold
#TheSecondNightIPutTheHeaterOnATimerButNowWeHaveASmartPlugSoICanControlItFromMyPhone
#WeHaveGenerallyBeenSleepingForAround7HoursANightAtOneTime
#IWishWeHadDoneThisSooner
#SheWillDefinitelyNotBeComingBackToSleepInOurRoomAfterTheTwoWeeksIsOver
#AsAConsequenceIHaveLostMyOfficeSlashStudioRoom
#WePlannedToMoveTheDeskBackToOurRoomButWeHaveNotHadTimeYet
#ItNeedsToBeTakenApartAndPutBackTogetherAgainAsTheDoorwaysAreTooNarrow
#IfBIsAwakeThenICanStillUseTheRoomForSomePhotosAndForMyDanceVideos
#ButOtherwiseINeedToBeMoreCreativeAsThereAreNoOtherFreeBlankWallsInTheHouse
#PerhapsMyWorkIsTooMuchAboutPlainBlankWallsAnyways
#AnywaysWeAlsoDroppedBDownToATwoNapSchedule
#AfterSleepTrainingStartedWeHadTroubleGettingHerDownForAThirdNapSoWeKnewItWasTimeToDropIt
#TheThirdNapWasGettingABitAnnoyingAndIHadBeenShorteningItTo20MinutesSoItWillNotBeMissed
#IWasJustABitStressedAboutFiguringOutARoughScheduleForHerDay
#ButTheFirstDayWentWellSoIWillStickToThatButJustReadjustingForHerWakeupTimes
#SheIsSupposedToStayInHerCotForBetween11And12HoursAtNightSoWeUsuallyGetHerUpBetween6And7Now
#YesterdayWeCouldNotBeBotheredToGetHerUpAt6SoWeGotHerUpALotLaterThanWeShouldHave
#SoWeHadAnOvertiredBabyToDealWithAtNaptimeButItWasNotTooBad
#TodayWeGotHerUpAt10Past6ButIStillHadAVeryOvertiredBabyToDealWithWhoTookAWhileToGoToSleep
#SheUsedToHave2HoursBeforeHerFirstNapButItIsMoreLike3Now
#HopefullySheWillGetUsedToItSoon
#YouAreNotSupposedToStartSleepTrainingForNapsUntilTheyAre10MonthsOldAsForNapsTheyUseADifferentPartOfTheBrain
#HerMealTimesHaveShiftedAndIAmSurprisedThatSheEatsHerPorridgeSoMuchEarlierInTheMorning
#ItIsNiceThoughAsNowWeAllHaveLunchAroundTheSameTimeInsteadOfUsEatingLunchDuringHerNap
#TheAnnoyingThingIsBUsuallyNapsForMostOfTheTimeThatMyMumVisitsButOhWell
#IUsuallyHaveAGoodBitOfTimeToDoWorkDuringHerFirstNapAtLeast
#AndThenHerBedtimeIs7SoIDoSomeWorkAndThenTryToReadABitBeforeGoingToBedAround10
#MyMoodHasBeenBetterAndLookingBackAtMyMoodDiaryMyWorstDaysWereWhenIWasTired
 

#SoLastNightWasNight6OfSleepTraining #TheFirstNightWasDefinitelyTheWorstAndIThinkThatWasJustBecauseSheWasCold

See my previous post.

#TheSecondNightIPutTheHeaterOnATimerButNowWeHaveASmartPlugSoICanControlItFromMyPhone

I hadn’t actually used the timer on the heater before. It was good, but now if I remember I can turn the heater on from anywhere in the house to preheat the room before bed. I have a schedule set up for it during the night, but it’s handy to just be able to change it whenever without having to go into her room all the time.

#WeHaveGenerallyBeenSleepingForAround7HoursANightAtOneTime

We try to go to bed at 10, but one night she woke up just as we were going to sleep and did not settle until 11. Last night she woke up closer to 11 – I was just in that weird half awake half asleep state – but it took only one visit to her room for her to calm down. I think perhaps she wakes up thinking it’s the end of naptime, but we’re like nope it’s not a nap – go to bed!

#IWishWeHadDoneThisSooner

You can start sleep training from between 4 and 6 months apparently.

#SheWillDefinitelyNotBeComingBackToSleepInOurRoomAfterTheTwoWeeksIsOver

It’s so nice not having to tiptoe around the room. Before B would wake up and I’d feel like I had to rush over to her so that Tiago was not disturbed too much as he generally has work in the morning.

Now with her in her own room she probably does wake up in the night (apparently no one sleeps through the night – most of us have just trained ourselves to go back to sleep quickly), but not to the level where we notice.

#AsAConsequenceIHaveLostMyOfficeSlashStudioRoom

This is why I had been putting it off.

#WePlannedToMoveTheDeskBackToOurRoomButWeHaveNotHadTimeYet

So I am just using a little table and sitting on a cushion on a floor. I probably do sit up straighter to be fair. I might have to go back to using my exercise ball as a chair.

#ItNeedsToBeTakenApartAndPutBackTogetherAgainAsTheDoorwaysAreTooNarrow

Hopefully we’ll do it tomorrow as it is the weekend.

#IfBIsAwakeThenICanStillUseTheRoomForSomePhotosAndForMyDanceVideos

Especially once the desk is moved as there will be more space to move her cot out of the way.

#ButOtherwiseINeedToBeMoreCreativeAsThereAreNoOtherFreeBlankWallsInTheHouse

I should have moved my studio light out of the room for now, but B is currently napping in there, so I’ll try this shoot with natural light. If it doesn’t work then I’ll have to get the light later.

#PerhapsMyWorkIsTooMuchAboutPlainBlankWallsAnyways

I like it, but my Nan does have a nice house with lots of interesting walls.

#AnywaysWeAlsoDroppedBDownToATwoNapSchedule

It was easier than I thought. I think I said the same thing about dropping her fourth nap…

#AfterSleepTrainingStartedWeHadTroubleGettingHerDownForAThirdNapSoWeKnewItWasTimeToDropIt #TheThirdNapWasGettingABitAnnoyingAndIHadBeenShorteningItTo20MinutesSoItWillNotBeMissed

Though so far B’s second nap has been about 35 minutes, so that she can go to bed for 7.

#IWasJustABitStressedAboutFiguringOutARoughScheduleForHerDay

Hello writing and crossing things out with a pen on paper.

#ButTheFirstDayWentWellSoIWillStickToThatButJustReadjustingForHerWakeupTimes

Hello writing down times with a pen on paper.

#SheIsSupposedToStayInHerCotForBetween11And12HoursAtNightSoWeUsuallyGetHerUpBetween6And7Now

The first few nights I was waking up at about 5.30 and I felt quite awake, and could not fall back asleep easily.

The next day I said I would just get up then, but B slept until 7 – I had to wake her up! I think 6 will probably be her usual wake up time though.

T likes having a slow start to the day and still managing to start work early. I get to do a bit of yoga too which I like.

#YesterdayWeCouldNotBeBotheredToGetHerUpAt6SoWeGotHerUpALotLaterThanWeShouldHave #SoWeHadAnOvertiredBabyToDealWithAtNaptimeButItWasNotTooBad

I thought it would be a lot worse.

#TodayWeGotHerUpAt10Past6ButIStillHadAVeryOvertiredBabyToDealWithWhoTookAWhileToGoToSleep

I maybe went in too many times, but she did have trouble settling. She kept rolling into her front and could not seem to get comfortable. Yesterday she did sleep well on her front during her first nap though.

#SheUsedToHave2HoursBeforeHerFirstNapButItIsMoreLike3Now #HopefullySheWillGetUsedToItSoon

Lots of singing and dancing today to try to keep her awake. I thought I was putting her down in good time though – obviously not.

#YouAreNotSupposedToStartSleepTrainingForNapsUntilTheyAre10MonthsOldAsForNapsTheyUseADifferentPartOfTheBrain

Maybe this is why she likes on her front for naps but on her back at night? Probably not.

(10th February: I’m not sure how accurate this statement of mine is, so feel free to ignore this hashtag. I feel like I should take it out, but it’s what I thought at the time. I must have read it somewhere though…)

#HerMealTimesHaveShiftedAndIAmSurprisedThatSheEatsHerPorridgeSoMuchEarlierInTheMorning

She has some milk when she gets up, then porridge 2 hours later. Though Tiago thought he wasn’t feeding her until 7 today, so we’ll see how she does lasting until lunch time.

#ItIsNiceThoughAsNowWeAllHaveLunchAroundTheSameTimeInsteadOfUsEatingLunchDuringHerNap

She will probably not be able to join her usual baby classes as she will be asleep during them – and I can’t be bothered to work out a schedule for her to attend them. There are some other classes just before lunch though, which works well. We have done a music class everyday this week so far, plus I usually do a Sophie Pickles class everyday when I am not sure what to do/I want to make sure B is getting proper stimulation.

I’m linking from week 8 as this is when she started to re-record/pre-record the videos so they’re a lot shorter and you don’t have to skip through old shoutouts etc.

#TheAnnoyingThingIsBUsuallyNapsForMostOfTheTimeThatMyMumVisitsButOhWell

Luckily for my Mum she now doesn’t have to feed B porridge and can just have a little playtime with her if she stays long enough.

#IUsuallyHaveAGoodBitOfTimeToDoWorkDuringHerFirstNapAtLeast

On good days I can probably do the hashtags, blog and shoot during the first nap.

The other day I spent an hour and a half cooking during it. I need to get quicker at making things. I blame the red pepper for not grilling…

#AndThenHerBedtimeIs7SoIDoSomeWorkAndThenTryToReadABitBeforeGoingToBedAround10

I think I mentioned that I have started to do some research work, so I tend to do that in the evening but sometimes in the mornings too.

Someone just slammed a door and B woke up… She’s only been asleep for half an hour. Hopefully she settles again soon. Usually once she’s awake from a nap that’s it, but maybe she will as she should sleep for at least another half an hour if not an hour…

#MyMoodHasBeenBetterAndLookingBackAtMyMoodDiaryMyWorstDaysWereWhenIWasTired

The world needs more sleep. B needs more sleep, but I think she is up now. She’ll have to watch me do a photoshoot I think (not sure) and I hope she has a long second nap instead. 🤞

Second nap update: Well let’s see how she sleeps. I had B on the floor and wasn’t sure whether to have her in the shoot or not, but she kept rolling into view. I had gone to get my light as B was awake anyways and it was a fun shoot where B made it better, even though I had to keep stopping her from trying to destroy my paper. So, I’m glad she woke up, but I hope she sleeps well now.

(I don’t like that B’s leg is out of the frame a bit, but I liked this photo from the shoot the most.)


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

We Have Finally Started To Sleep Train B (17th January 2021)

We Have Finally Started To Sleep Train B (17th January 2021)
 
#YesterdayWeFinallyDecidedThatWeShouldStartSleepTrainingB
#IHaveWantedToDoItForAWhileButIHaveBeenReallyTiredLatelyAndWeAllNeedOurSleep
#IWasAlsoHesitantToGiveUpMyOfficeSlashStudioAsBHasToSleepInThereInsteadOfOurRoomForTheDurationOfIt
#WeGotUpAtEightThirtyYesterdayMorningAfterBHadBeenFedAt5
#WeHaveBeenJustFeedingHerToGetHerToGoBackToSleepLately
#IDoNotLikeDoingThatButWithHerSleepingInOurRoomAndTiagoWorkingDuringTheDayWeDoNotLikeToLetHerCryForLong
#SoSheWentDownToSleepPrettyEasyAndWeGaveHerHerDummyButSaidWeWereNotGoingToKeepGivingItBackToHer
#ThenSheWokeUpAtTwoThirtyAndSheSeemedOkay
#AndThenSheDidNotSleepForThreeHours
#ITookThisPhotoAtAboutThreeThirty
#AfterAWhileWeThoughtWeShouldCheckHerNappyAndItDidNeedToBeChanged
#AndThenSheStillDidNotSleep
#InTheEndWeTurnedOnTheHeatingInHerRoomAndSheFellAsleep
#WeFeltReallyBadAsThatRoomIsColdAndThatIsAnotherReasonWhyWeHaveDelayedMovingHerOutOfOurRoom
#TiagoSaidIShouldGoBackToSleepButICouldNotSleepUntilSheFellAsleep
#ThisMorningWeGotUpJustBefore8AsWeWereAllSoTired
#SoonHopefullyWeWillAllBeGettingUpAt7FeelingGreat
#WeHaveStartedToGiveHerMoreMilkBeforeSheGoesToBedInHopeThatWeCanDropTheDreamfeed
#TiagoTriedToDoADreamfeedLastNightButBBarelyDrankAnySoSheDidGoALongTimeWithoutBeingFed
#SheEatsFairlyWellDuringTheDayButMaybeNowSheWillEatMoreIfSheReallyIsHungry
#InMyLastEntryISaidThatBHadStoppedScreamingOnHerFrontInHerCot
#WellSheHasStartedToDoThatAgain
#ButThenAgainTheOtherNightSheWasScreamingALotAndIPickedHerUpToSootheHerAndSheBurped
#SoThatWasALessonInRememberingToWindBEvenAfterMealsWhereSheHasJustHadWater
#IAmStillFeelingStressedOutByBsMealsEvenThoughIKnowSheIsGettingAGoodBalancedDiet
#TiagoWentToTheSupermarketLastNightSoHopefullyICanTryToMakeSomeNewDishesForHer
#HopefullyWeArePastTheWorstNightOfTheSleepTraining
#WeAreGoingToTryToNotGiveBHerDummyNowAsSheJustConstantlyDropsItInHerCotAndSheIsNotToCleverAtPuttingItBackInHerself
#WeUsuallyCoverUpHerHandsButLastNightIDidNotInHopeThatSheMightComfortHerself
#ButThisMorningHerHandsWereFreezingAndIJustNeedToMakeSureThatHerNailsAreFiledWellAsSheEasilyScratchesHerself
 

#YesterdayWeFinallyDecidedThatWeShouldStartSleepTrainingB #IHaveWantedToDoItForAWhileButIHaveBeenReallyTiredLatelyAndWeAllNeedOurSleep

I’m sure that I have been mentioning it for at least 2 months…

#IWasAlsoHesitantToGiveUpMyOfficeSlashStudioAsBHasToSleepInThereInsteadOfOurRoomForTheDurationOfIt

Maybe it will just become B’s room and she will never move back into our room. That is probably how it should be. It feels nice to have our own room again. Though our bedroom is not good for a studio as it has no flat plain walls, but maybe this will encourage me to get more creative with my practice.

#WeGotUpAtEightThirtyYesterdayMorningAfterBHadBeenFedAt5

We always aim to get up at 7. It is easier when B is crying and wants to get up, but she rarely cries bang on 7.

#WeHaveBeenJustFeedingHerToGetHerToGoBackToSleepLately #IDoNotLikeDoingThatButWithHerSleepingInOurRoomAndTiagoWorkingDuringTheDayWeDoNotLikeToLetHerCryForLong

We had also been trying to wait a few minutes before going over to her, but it’s not easy when she slept less than 2 metres away from me.

#BWentToSleepPrettyQuicklyLastNightAndWeGaveHerHerDummyButSaidWeWereNotGoingToKeepGivingItBackToHer

I did cheat and gave it back to her once, but then she went to sleep. Then I said okay I will not give it to her again…

#ThenSheWokeUpAtTwoThirtyAndSheSeemedOkay

Her crying was not that bad.

#AndThenSheDidNotSleepForThreeHours

We kept going in to comfort her from time to time – we did not let her cry for 3 hours.

#ITookThisPhotoAtAboutThreeThirty

It’s orange/red from my phone’s night filter.

#AfterAWhileWeThoughtWeShouldCheckHerNappyAndItDidNeedToBeChanged

Maybe she’ll go to sleep now that it’s changed?

#AndThenSheStillDidNotSleep

Nope.

#InTheEndWeTurnedOnTheHeatingInHerRoomAndSheFellAsleep

We did think that it was a bit cold when we were popping in. She sleeps in a thick sleeping bag, but obviously it was still too cold.

#WeFeltReallyBadAsThatRoomIsColdAndThatIsAnotherReasonWhyWeHaveDelayedMovingHerOutOfOurRoom

We need to have a look at the radiator. We did think about doing the sleep training but it had been really cold – last night was not so bad.

#TiagoSaidIShouldGoBackToSleepButICouldNotSleepUntilSheFellAsleep

He wanted me to sleep, but I couldn’t. I wish I had been more productive with the three hours but oh well.

#ThisMorningWeGotUpJustBefore8AsWeWereAllSoTired

I do not like getting up so late as her naps have to be super short. Maybe she will sleep slightly earlier as she had less sleep last night, but probably not.

#SoonHopefullyWeWillAllBeGettingUpAt7FeelingGreat

Lol. Doubt it.

#WeHaveStartedToGiveHerMoreMilkBeforeSheGoesToBedInHopeThatWeCanDropTheDreamfeed

She is starting to drink more water during the day, but not loads so she probably does need a good drink before bed.

#TiagoTriedToDoADreamfeedLastNightButBBarelyDrankAnySoSheDidGoALongTimeWithoutBeingFed

We gave her 5oz of milk before bed, and tried to give her 6oz at the dreamfeed but she drank 2oz. If we had given her 7oz before bed, she would have had the same amount right? That’s what we’ll try tonight.

#SheEatsFairlyWellDuringTheDayButMaybeNowSheWillEatMoreIfSheReallyIsHungry

I have been a bit worried that she has been not eating as much as she should as she is having a lot of calories at night? Let’s see. She did used to go from 10pm to 6/7am without a feed, so I know she can do it.

We have just been feeding her more as she has been teething, but apparently teething will not have that much of an impact on sleep.

#InMyLastEntryISaidThatBHadStoppedScreamingOnHerFrontInHerCot #WellSheHasStartedToDoThatAgain

Typical. Last night some of trips to B’s room did involve rolling her back over. We need to get her to learn how to roll back asap.

#ButThenAgainTheOtherNightSheWasScreamingALotAndIPickedHerUpToSootheHerAndSheBurped #SoThatWasALessonInRememberingToWindBEvenAfterMealsWhereSheHasJustHadWater

I think now that she is older I forget that sometimes she does need to be burped.

(6th February: I still keep forgetting to do this. Whoops.)

#IAmStillFeelingStressedOutByBsMealsEvenThoughIKnowSheIsGettingAGoodBalancedDiet #TiagoWentToTheSupermarketLastNightSoHopefullyICanTryToMakeSomeNewDishesForHer

I spend too much time worrying about B and her meals.

#HopefullyWeArePastTheWorstNightOfTheSleepTraining #WeAreGoingToTryToNotGiveBHerDummyNowAsSheJustConstantlyDropsItInHerCotAndSheIsNotToCleverAtPuttingItBackInHerself

It makes sense to stop giving her one as she doesn’t use it at any other point during the day. I wish we had never started to give her one but oh well. It seemed right at the time.

(6th February: I have been thinking a lot about this after saying that. We lived in a flat before and I was super worried about annoying the neighbours, so it made sense.)

#WeUsuallyCoverUpHerHandsButLastNightIDidNotInHopeThatSheMightComfortHerself #ButThisMorningHerHandsWereFreezingAndIJustNeedToMakeSureThatHerNailsAreFiledWellAsSheEasilyScratchesHerself

Yesterday I did not cover her hands during a nap and she has a scratch on her nose. Last night before she went to bed I filed her nails, but it seems like they need to be filed ALL THE TIME. They are always sharp. We just need to keep her room warm and as soon as she starts crying we should turn it on – we need to get one of those smart plugs where we can control it from a phone. I just ordered one…


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