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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

My Baby Is A Brick Wall (14th July 2020)

Whether to have the title as a simile or a metaphor? I went with metaphor…

My Baby Is A Brick Wall (14th July 2020)
 
#IHaveBeenABitEmotionalThisMorning
#IFeelABitDetachedFromBAtTimes
#WhilstTiagoSaysHeCanNotBelieveHowMuchHeIsInLoveWithHer
#IAmHappyHeFeelsThisWayAboutHer
#IHaveNeverBeenAMassiveFanOfNewbornsAsIFeelLikeTheyDoNotDoMuch
#ThoughIHaveAlwaysSaidItMustBeDifferentWhenItIsYourOwnChildAsYouSeeTheSmallChanges
#IThinkWhatIFindMostDifficultIsThatIFeelLikeIAmNotGettingMuchBackFromHerEmotionally
#SheIsStartingToSmileThoughIThinkItIsMostlyOnAccident
#WhenSheSmilesPurposefullyIThinkIWillFeelDifferentAsAtTheMomentItFeelsLikeSheIsABrickWall
#ILoveToMakePeopleLaughAndThereIsNoBetterSoundInTheWorldThanABabyLaughing
#IFindMyselfPullingTheSameFacesAndDoingThingsThatMakeMyNieceLaughAndIGetNothingOrAFrownBackFromB
#IJustHadAnOnlineSearchAndGigglingIsFromMonth3Or4AndSheIsJust1Month
#ThePurposefulSmilesStartBetween6And12Weeks
#IGuessWeKnowWhenSheIsContentWhichIsWhenSheIsNotCrying
#ButINeedMoreOfAnIndicationThatIAmDoingAGoodJob
#ISupposeIJustHaveToWaitAndMaybeLaterIWillFeelBetter
#IAlsoFeelGuiltyThatWeHaveStartedToGiveHerADummy
#ThoughIOnlyFeelGuiltyAsIWorryWhatPeopleThink
#IKnowItIsTheBestThingForMyFamily
#PeopleCanBeSoJudgmentalAboutAllThingsParentingAndLifeInGeneral
#IfWeWantAdviceWeWillAskForIt
#WeStartedToGiveHerADummyAsSheWasAlwaysJustRestingWithTheBottleTeatOrANippleInHerMouthAndNotDrinking
#INeverHadADummyAsABabyButISuckedMyThumbAndTwiddledMyHairALotInstead
#IAlsoToldTiagoThatINeedABitMoreAttention
#AGoodHugBeforeSleepOrWhateverAsItMakesABigDifferenceToMe
#IGuessIDoGetABitJealousSeeingBGetAllHisAttention
#ThatSeemsHardToAdmitButMostlyBecauseIKnowOneDayIWillShareAllOfThis
#TheLastFewDaysIHaveStartedToReadToBMoreToMakeSureIHaveSomeGoodQualityTimeWithHer
#ItFeelsLikeSettingUpABlogWasNotTheSmartestThingToDoRightNowButIGuessItIsBecauseIPutTooMuchPressureOnMyselfAndItShouldBeMoreCasual
#IThinkIFeelRubbishBecauseThisIsMyFirstShootInNearlyAWeekAndIFeelMyWorstWhenIAmNotMakingWork

Sometimes I focus so much on explaining the hashtags that I forget to talk about the photos (I am writing this after I already pressed publish.)

The idea with the picture is that I’m looking away/facing a wall and not showing you the expression on my face. I wasn’t trying to hide a teary face or anything, it just seemed fitting.

(You can also see how long the nail was on the little finger of my left hand. It looked horrible, but it became a weird thing of ‘how long can I grow this’, but I cut my nails in the end as I was worried that I would poke her in the eye with one of them.)

#IFeelABitDetachedFromBAtTimes

I have been thinking about this a bit and I think this is another reason why I chose to express rather than breastfeed so much. This meant that Tiago could feed her more and it allowed me to keep my distance. Perhaps I was overwhelmed, which seems understandable.

I think it was just such a bizarre thing and I couldn’t get my head around the fact that I had grown a human inside me and now they were here demanding my attention and my body. I hadn’t needed to be this responsible in my whole life and now I had to be. I hope she doesn’t read this in the future and think I disliked her or something. I just needed some time to adjust and get my head around her existence and what was expected of me, and now I have.

I say think too much. Sometimes I am not sure, but other times I know and I try to distance myself from my feelings a little. It is hard saying things about myself that make me look bad, but as always I admit it in hope that it helps someone else.

#WhilstTiagoSaysHeCanNotBelieveHowMuchHeIsInLoveWithHer

Tiago stepped up, whereas I stepped back. I’m so glad she has such a loving father. (I’m getting emotional writing this.)

#IHaveNeverBeenAMassiveFanOfNewbornsAsIFeelLikeTheyDoNotDoMuch #ThoughIHaveAlwaysSaidItMustBeDifferentWhenItIsYourOwnChildAsYouSeeTheSmallChanges

Yep. In the past people I know had babies and I ran away a bit. To be fair it was because I thought they wanted time to be in a baby bubble, but after having a kid myself I was keen to get out and socialise though I didn’t always feel confident. (Covid got and still gets in the way of this though.) I also just didn’t feel confident around newborns, even though I was 10+ when my little sister was born and I was confident with her then. That was a long time ago though. I felt nervous holding my niece and being around her when she was 6 months old, but I quickly got used to her to be fair.

I just need time to adapt, though sometimes I only need minutes and other times I need weeks apparently. Sleep deprivation probably didn’t help speed things up either.

#IThinkWhatIFindMostDifficultIsThatIFeelLikeIAmNotGettingMuchBackFromHerEmotionally
#SheIsStartingToSmileThoughIThinkItIsMostlyOnAccident
#WhenSheSmilesPurposefullyIThinkIWillFeelDifferentAsAtTheMomentItFeelsLikeSheIsABrickWall

Oh I used a simile for the hashtag, but a metaphor for the title. Interesting. Having her smile and react to me really is amazing though and it has made a huge difference.

This afternoon I was singing her Old MacDonald Had A Farm (as an app I have said it’s good for them to see the shapes your mouth pulls) and then Hey Baby by DJ Otzi (quite randomly, not sure where that song came from in my head). Whilst I was singing she was staring at me intently and then started to touch my face a lot. Maybe the face touching was not that intentional, but it seemed like she was exploring my face.

#ILoveToMakePeopleLaughAndThereIsNoBetterSoundInTheWorldThanABabyLaughing #IFindMyselfPullingTheSameFacesAndDoingThingsThatMakeMyNieceLaughAndIGetNothingOrAFrownBackFromB
#IJustHadAnOnlineSearchAndGigglingIsFromMonth3Or4AndSheIsJust1Month

I really can’t wait until she giggles. A health visitor came today and they asked if B is chuckling. I said no, but she said she meant looking like she was chuckling but not making the sound. She does do that at times.

She is over 2 months now so it’s not too long to wait! It was nice to just have a good playtime with her this afternoon, and now that I am writing these blog posts in the evening when Tiago looks after her for a bit I feel more relaxed in the day.

#ISupposeIJustHaveToWaitAndMaybeLaterIWillFeelBetter

I definitely feel better. I haven’t cried in 2 weeks, which was probably close to when she started to smile properly. I’ve also got a better work/life balance going on at the moment and I’m feeling productive. This answers the last hashtag (#IThinkIFeelRubbishBecauseThisIsMyFirstShootInNearlyAWeekAndIFeelMyWorstWhenIAmNotMakingWork).

#IAlsoFeelGuiltyThatWeHaveStartedToGiveHerADummy #ThoughIOnlyFeelGuiltyAsIWorryWhatPeopleThink
#IKnowItIsTheBestThingForMyFamil
y

Like I said yesterday I don’t feel bad about this anymore. It is the best thing for my family.

#PeopleCanBeSoJudgmentalAboutAllThingsParentingAndLifeInGeneral
#IfWeWantAdviceWeWillAskForIt

Just realised that I spelt judgmental wrong (I put judgemental) and so I had to replace it in 6 places… but yeah people are judgmental and I judge people too, though I’m trying to do less of that. I generally try to put myself in other people’s shoes and think about how they feel and why they act the way they do or do certain things.

#IAlsoToldTiagoThatINeedABitMoreAttention
#AGoodHugBeforeSleepOrWhateverAsItMakesABigDifferenceToMe
#IGuessIDoGetABitJealousSeeingBGetAllHisAttention
#ThatSeemsHardToAdmitButMostlyBecauseIKnowOneDayIWillShareAllOfThis

It definitely is hard admitting this stuff/saying it out loud to a possible audience. I thought about deleting it but it defeats the point of this blog really. I know I’m not the first person to feel this way and so it feels somewhat important to share it. When I say jealous though it’s not in a mean/hateful way though, it’s more of a casual jealousy if that makes sense?

Maybe this is why I felt distant too? Now we sometimes have good quality time as a family. It’ll be nice when she is the age where she can give and receive hugs properly. Family hugs! (heart emoji)

#TheLastFewDaysIHaveStartedToReadToBMoreToMakeSureIHaveSomeGoodQualityTimeWithHer

Yep, quality time. So important. I find myself singing the books to her and like I said I sang to her a lot earlier. I think my singing voice is getting a little better which is a nice side effect, though maybe I really sound like a screeching cat. I think quality time will get even more special as she gets older and responds more. If she’s how she is now after 9 weeks, then I know she will be doing so much more very soon. It’s exciting! These hashtags are quite negative, but I really am more positive about everything and more excited about watching her grow.

#ItFeelsLikeSettingUpABlogWasNotTheSmartestThingToDoRightNowButIGuessItIsBecauseIPutTooMuchPressureOnMyselfAndItShouldBeMoreCasual

Referencing my blog in my work, how fun. I definitely feel like I’m enjoying the blog more these days though. This is post 14 of the current 27 that need to be made, so at this rate it will probably take me at least 3 weeks to catch up on myself depending on how much I shoot and if I skip some days.

This blog is a really good exercise in just saying what I think as I don’t have time to make up lies or skip around things too much.

The hashtags are a good exercise in themselves, but expanding on them like I do in this blog is another level in terms of pushing myself out of my comfort zone and feeling confident with my words.

Hearing friends who just had babies say that they read certain blog posts really pushes me on too.


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