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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Was Feeling Overwhelmed, But I Felt Better After I Wrote About It (18th September 2020)

Me feeding B
I Was Feeling Overwhelmed, But I Felt Better After I Wrote About It (18th September 2020)
 
#IHaveWantedToWriteAboutThisForAFewDaysButIHaveAlsoNotWantedToGiveMyselfExtraWorkToDo
#IThinkTheWordOfTheWeekIsOverwhelmed
#IHaveBeenWonderingWhyAndIGuessIHaveNeverHadAnAlmost24SevenJobBefore
#AndIAmGettingFedUpWithMyMainContactWithOtherPeopleBesidesBAndTBeingThroughMyPhoneOrComputer
#WeStillDoNotKnowManyPeopleInLiverpoolAndTheOnesWeDoKnowGenerallyLiveFarAway
#AndIWasHopingThatIWouldMeetMoreLocalMumsThroughTheChildrensCentreAndStuff
#ButTheyHaveBeenClosedAndNowANewLocalLockdownLooksImminent
#WeAreTryingToWorkOnBsNaps
#WithFeedingAndChangingHerYouKnowWhatYouAreGoingToGet
#ButWithNapsYouDoNotKnowIfItWillBeTwentyMinutesOrTwoHoursSoYouHaveToMoveFast
#TheFirstNapOfTheDayIsMeantToBeTheEasiestToSucceedWith
#IRiskedShavingMyLegsAndIManagedToDoBothAndIAmWritingThisNow
#IEvenManagedToDoSomeStretchingAndHaveBreakfast
#IHaveFoundMyselfDoingMyStretchingAt4InTheMorningALotLatelyWhichIsNotGood
#IFeelLikeIHaveMadeMyLifeOvercomplicated
#HavingToWriteAnEssayWithEachPhotoThenABlogPost
#ButThePicturesSeemRubbishAtTheMoment
#IAmWritingThisBeforeIHaveEvenDoneAShootAsIFeelPutOffThatTheShootWillBeBad
#IGuessItIsImportantToJustKeepMakingWorkAtTheMoment
#ButItFeelsCrapHavingCrapPhotos
#IGuessPeopleAreNotExpectingMuchFromMeRightNow
#ButIAmExpectingALotFromMyself
#OnceInAWhileIJustFeelDownAboutMyArtPracticeAndWonderWhyIDoItAll
#SoIGuessThisIsOneOfThosePhasesCombinedWithALotOfOtherStuff
#IJustNeedToMakeMyWorkForMyselfAndAsLongAsIGetSomethingFromItThenItIsAllGood
#INeedToMoveFastWhenBIsAsleepToAchieveSomething
#WeAreDueToHaveAFlatInspectionForTheFirstTimeSinceBeforeLockdown
#ItSeemsSoHardToGetTheBedroomCleanAsBIsEitherAsleepInItOrSheIsAwakeAndINeedToLookAfterHer
#TheClothesMountainJustNeverSeemsToGetAnySmaller
#ButIAmGratefulToBeAMumAndILoveWhenBEspeciallyWhenSheSmilesAtMe

(I wrote this post on 18th September.)

#IHaveWantedToWriteAboutThisForAFewDaysButIHaveAlsoNotWantedToGiveMyselfExtraWorkToDo

I need to figure out a way to make these blog posts feel less like hard work. Sometimes I enjoy them, but sometimes I wonder why I am doing this.

#IThinkTheWordOfTheWeekIsOverwhelmed #IHaveBeenWonderingWhyAndIGuessIHaveNeverHadAnAlmost24SevenJobBefore

It is full on and I have been doing it for three months. Tiago does look after her too, but Monday to Friday 7-5ish she is mainly my responsibility, then I need to worry about producing her milk at all times.

We have been struggling with giving her a bottle feed a day as she struggles with the teats, but I think we have fixed it. I decided to get her some slow flow teats and that seems to have done the trick. Sometimes I let her suck my finger (that sounds odd) and I realised how strong she was getting, so with the other teats I think she often is drowning in milk. She had a dream feed last night with the slow teat and she drank most of it.

(5th October – The slow teats definitely did the trick. She has a dream feed with a bottle every night now and she usually feeds quite well.)

#AndIAmGettingFedUpWithMyMainContactWithOtherPeopleBesidesBAndTBeingThroughMyPhoneOrComputer

I feel like I have so many conversations going on all over the place and I am bored of them. I just want to have in person conversations, but it is difficult.

(5th October – Rules have got stricter since. I am trying to have a social media detox of sorts. I’ve deactivated my Facebook, made a long password for my Twitter that I don’t know and logged out, trying to go on Instagram less, and aiming to have more video calls and less WhatsApp chit chat.

I am finding social media difficult at the moment. Some people are living under less strict rules and have something that resembles a ‘normal’ life. The weather was so bad today that we couldn’t even go for a walk.)

#WeStillDoNotKnowManyPeopleInLiverpoolAndTheOnesWeDoKnowGenerallyLiveFarAway

All the ‘new mums’ that I know live on the other side of Liverpool.

I don’t drive, don’t really want to get public transport, and don’t want to rely on Tiago all the time.

(5th October – Well, the rules have changed now and we can no longer meet people in pubs or restaurants, and it is not recommended to meet people outdoors.)

#AndIWasHopingThatIWouldMeetMoreLocalMumsThroughTheChildrensCentreAndStuff #ButTheyHaveBeenClosedAndNowANewLocalLockdownLooksImminent

Sometimes I see women pushing pushchairs on walks and I hope they’ll talk to me, but I’m so awkward now with not having much in person interaction. I usually have my sunglasses on and can’t make eye contact when they’re off.

It’s just a weird time to meet people with social distancing and all. I’m writing this on 18th September and it looks like new rules will be introduced for Liverpool tonight.

(5th October – Yeah they changed. There are no baby classes that are easily accessible for me right now. I’m finding zoom classes awkward and I haven’t attended one ‘live’ in weeks.

I actually just got an email to say that she’s thinking about going back to in-person classes, and they’re out of the way for us. So looks like I’ll be looking into other options and probably having to embrace zoom again.)

#WeAreTryingToWorkOnBsNaps

I say we, but really it’s me as I’m the one looking after her all day.

I said to Tiago earlier that I am jealous of his life as he gets to go out for work and do stuff. He went on a bike ride last night. I want to go on a bike ride.

#WithFeedingAndChangingHerYouKnowWhatYouAreGoingToGet #ButWithNapsYouDoNotKnowIfItWillBeTwentyMinutesOrTwoHoursSoYouHaveToMoveFast

Yesterday all her naps were no longer than thirty minutes. Then I messed up with her last nap of the day as it took so long for her to go to sleep that it then basically became her bedtime. I hadn’t done any of her bedtime routine and we missed out a feeding.

We gave her a dream feed and she didn’t wake up, but she had been asleep for so long that of course she was going to wake up early in the morning. I tried to delay her feed and it worked a bit, but after 6 hours I gave up. It is recommended to not use the dummy as the first way to extend sleep, but I was so tired that I kept giving it to her first.

Last night felt like the latest I had stayed up in a while, but I did not achieve anything as I was so tired and just faffed.

#TheFirstNapOfTheDayIsMeantToBeTheEasiestToSucceedWith

You’re supposed to offer at least one nap in the cot and that one seems easy to do.

#IRiskedShavingMyLegsAndIManagedToDoBothAndIAmWritingThisNow

I was half hoping she would wake up, so I knew that the photo would be of one hairy leg and one shaven leg.

#IEvenManagedToDoSomeStretchingAndHaveBreakfast

I was going to eat breakfast first, but I knew that would be dumb as then I wouldn’t be able to stretch properly.

#IHaveFoundMyselfDoingMyStretchingAt4InTheMorningALotLatelyWhichIsNotGood

Well the last two nights before tonight. I am tired all the time, but I knew that she would be asleep long enough for me to do it.

#IFeelLikeIHaveMadeMyLifeOvercomplicated #HavingToWriteAnEssayWithEachPhotoThenABlogPost

Seriously, whose bright idea was it to write a blog?

Why did I feel like now was a good time to do a coding course? To be fair, there will never be a good time to do a course again – or not until B is in school perhaps?

#ButThePicturesSeemRubbishAtTheMoment #IAmWritingThisBeforeIHaveEvenDoneAShootAsIFeelPutOffThatTheShootWillBeBad #IGuessItIsImportantToJustKeepMakingWorkAtTheMoment #ButItFeelsCrapHavingCrapPhotos

I am guessing she will wake up soon so I won’t have to worry about what picture it’s going to be right now. I don’t know how many more pictures of myself in my underwear in my living room I can deal with.

I will probably try to take a picture with her, so I should set my stuff up ready.

(It felt like the easiest thing to do was to do a shoot whilst I fed her. She moves her hands/arms around a lot whilst feeding now, so I like that I got one with her arm like this as I love arm poses. I think I have also been feeling overwhelmed though as I often feel sore from feeding and so I was dreading feeding her at times.)

#IGuessPeopleAreNotExpectingMuchFromMeRightNow #ButIAmExpectingALotFromMyself

I always expect a lot from myself.

#OnceInAWhileIJustFeelDownAboutMyArtPracticeAndWonderWhyIDoItAll

If you’re an artist/photographer/writer/whatever you know the feeling.

#SoIGuessThisIsOneOfThosePhasesCombinedWithALotOfOtherStuff #IJustNeedToMakeMyWorkForMyselfAndAsLongAsIGetSomethingFromItThenItIsAllGood

I have had these similar phases for years. I guess I am just tired and I’ll snap out of it. Yesterday I had one of those (frequent) realisations that so many people are trying to do what I am trying to do.

I made my YouTube channel originally knowing I would get mean comments, but a mean comment yesterday made me feel really crummy. Usually people write something mean and then delete it as they know they’re being an asshole, but this person still has not deleted it.

It’s also annoying when people write something as if it is not your channel. As if it is a random video on someone else’s channel where the person who it is is not easily identifiable.

I guess you never know what is going on in someone else’s life. Sounds like they’re going through a bad time too if they feel the need to leave horrible comments on random videos.

I love the confidence that people have to write such things. Well I guess it is easy when you have no profile picture and a name that is nothing like your own. I find leaving comments awkward and I usually only write positive ones…

(5th October – I was feeling a lot better, but today I seem to have slipped a bit. Tiago was off work last week, so it was nice to have more support in the day. Now he’s back working again – though only in the other room, but I don’t like bothering him.

I don’t like not knowing when we can see my family again. It was nice to see them when we could and to have a bit of support, but now it’s all been taken away from us again. Obviously we’re not the only people affected by this and some people have less help, but it is frustrating.)

#INeedToMoveFastWhenBIsAsleepToAchieveSomething

I actually need to wake B up now to feed her.

I have been trying to get up at 7am every day to have something that resembles a routine. This morning my alarm went off (the first day that I set one) and I pressed snooze. I thought B would wake up shortly anyways.

Woke up again and it was 7.40am. Okay we’ll try again tomorrow…

I don’t see why I make it such an issue when I know that she usually will have a nap again after an hour. I like to get stuff done in the morning so I can relax a little – at least I have done something today now.

(5th October – I will wake up at 3am and be wide awake, but I always feel AWFUL at 7am. I wanted a nap this morning, but I knew it was a good time to get things done as she usually sleeps alright. I then planned to nap in the afternoon, but I thought I better do the washing up and other things.)

#WeAreDueToHaveAFlatInspectionForTheFirstTimeSinceBeforeLockdown #ItSeemsSoHardToGetTheBedroomCleanAsBIsEitherAsleepInItOrSheIsAwakeAndINeedToLookAfterHer #TheClothesMountainJustNeverSeemsToGetAnySmaller

T does an excellent job of tidying the main room (living room/dining room/kitchen/my ‘studio’) but the other rooms seem to get a bit forgotten. Typically we said we wanted an early morning inspection when I feel like we need the time, but it will be good to not spend the whole day worrying. They have inspected it as a mess before.

They do not know we have a baby. I thought they would see me at an inspection and it would be obvious, but those inspections got cancelled due to the pandemic. Do you have to call to say you’ve had a baby? I don’t think so, but tomorrow they will see anyways.

I am not the world’s tidiest person, but I would actually love someone to have B for a bit so I could tidy the hell out of this flat. I want to organise things properly and get really into nesting mode.

I guess I could do it, but I write blog posts instead. And I actually feel much better after having written this one.

(5th October – We managed to get the flat looking alright and she never even commented about us having a baby. It turns out that one of our fire alarms has not had a battery in it since we moved in, so luckily that is sorted now. I was sure that they had tested it before, but obviously not.)

#ButIAmGratefulToBeAMumAndILoveBEspeciallyWhenSheSmilesAtMe

I do whine too much, but I think a lot of people feel the same as me, so I think it is good to share so that others might not feel so alone.

I am grateful to be a mother though and just having B smile at me makes me feel so so happy, but it is a life shock even if though you signed up for it.

Time to wake B.


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