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Waiting

I Have Nothing To Show Yet (7 weeks)

This is a post about the fourth image from my series Waiting For Things In A Time When You Rarely Wait For Things, where I documented my pregnancy from October 2019 to June 2020.

I Have Nothing To Show Yet (7 weeks)

#ItIsColdNowSoIAmWearingExtraLayers
#IHaveNothingToShowYet #OrMaybeIDoButIAmSureIHaveLookedTheSameAsThisEveryTimeIHaveEatenForManyYears #IHaveLookedMorePregnantBeforeAfterOrderingAnIndianTakeawayAndNotBeingAbleToStop #AtChristmas2018MyParentsThoughtIWasPregnantAsIWasWearingBaggyClothing
#AndIChooseComfortOverFashion
#YouKnowMe
#ThoughIWouldNotMindLookingALittleBetter
#IJustHateClothesShopping
#AndNowIsNotTheTimeToStartGettingIntoClothesMore
#BecauseTheyEitherWillNotFitMeForLongOrTheyWillNotFitMeAfter #AGoodReasonForBaggierClothingThisWinterThoughIsToHideMyGrowingBoobs #IToldAFriendThatIAmPregnantAndSheSaidSheThoughtMyBoobsLookedBiggerAndThisWasTwoWeeksAgo
#IHaveAlwaysHadAWeirdRelationshipWithThem
#BeingToldInHighSchoolThatIWasTwoParacetamolsOnAnIroningBoard
#AndBeingUpsetButAlsoNotCaringAsIWasLikeBoobsAreJustForBabiesAnyways
#AndTheIdeaOfMeWithBiggerBoobsWasJustWeird
#BeingToldByGuysThatTheyUsuallyDateGirlsWithBiggerBoobs
#Lol
#ButIThinkBoobsBringAttentionAndIDoLikeToBeInvisible
#IReallyCanNotImagineMySelfHavingBigBoobs
#AndGoingOutWithThemOnDisplay
#NoOffenceToOtherPeopleWhoShowTheirsOff
#TheyLookGoodOnYouButTheyLookWeirdAsHellOnMe
#ThisPostHasTooManyBoobs
#NotSureIfIPreferBoobsOrBreasts #BreastsJustSoundsLikeMeatRightNowAndThatIsMakingMeFeelSickEvenThoughIHadMeatCravingsYesterdayAndIAmVegetarian #IThinkHowIFeelTowardsMyBodyDuringAndAfterMyPregnancyWillBeInteresting #ParticularlyAsPregnantIsSeenAsBeautifulAndMyBodyGrowingIsForAGoodThingButThenAsSoonAsYouGiveBirthThereIsALotOfPressureToBeAsYouWereAgain
#IJustWantToLookAfterMyselfAndMyBodyAsBestAsICan

A few outtakes

Classic standing straight side pose.
Back when I had enough hair to do this. Not sure why I decided to twist and grab my hair, but I was probably just trying to do a pose that wasn’t me standing still or slightly crooked.
Same again though this looks more like a camera test to me, but probably not. I don’t like the hand down low.
A bit more modelesque. I feel like I do this arm pose during a lot of shoots, though they get cut 99.9% of the time – or so I like to think.

Comments

This shoot is another classic example of knowing I wanted to photograph myself, but not having an idea in mind. First I took the first outtake (where I am stood to the side) and other pictures where I am stood to the front, then I did the chosen pictures.

I felt awkward about taking them then as I knew it was too early in the project for pictures like this, but my body was already feeling quite different to me and I wanted to document it. Looking at them now (and many other pictures where I thought I was starting to look pregnant) there really is nothing to see. So with the hashtags I wanted to shut down any comments about it by basically saying ‘yeah I know’.

The shoot then moved on and got a bit more posey.

In the chosen pictures it is a ‘breathe in, breathe out’ duo, though they pretty much look the same.

I used this ‘strategy’ before in my project Sofa Studies (see below), but that was more about social media and ‘perfection’, and how people breathe in a lot in their photos.

I need to stop using quote marks…

Reading the hashtags now, I’d forgotten that I’d told the paracetamol story within this project. I wrote about in my ‘What I Wore For My Four Night Hospital Stay After Giving Birth‘ blog post.

My boobs went up two cup sizes pretty quickly in the pregnancy, which was a bit weird though they had grown a lot since high school anyways. They’ve possibly grown again and I don’t hate them as that seems counterproductive, but it’s just odd seeing myself with bigger ones.

Can you tell I’m trying to avoid saying boobs 100 more times again? It’s weird having a project that talks about them a lot, but I guess I probably speak about them more in my motherhood project as with breastfeeding/bottle feeding expressed milk, a lot of the day is focused around my boobs and what they’re doing/producing…

Like I’ve said before I’m not going to be 100% awkward about it (talking about them) as my boobs are finally fulfilling the purpose that I have them for. The pictures that involve them aren’t meant to be sexual and instead are just documenting my changing body, but people will interpret them how they want. I’ve already been called a MILF on YouTube (I have a channel where I’ve been dancing – in an unsexy way – since 2013) and that makes me feel really gross. I am guessing it’s a joke I still feel bleh about it. That’s probably a post for another time…

The hashtags about boobs looking weird as hell on me still stand. I wear dresses and skirts, but I don’t consider myself to be very feminine or at least in the commercial sense/way that used to be pushed on us via the media. I bought some makeup a few weeks ago, as I haven’t worn it in a long time and that’s because I worry that by doing self-portraits people think I am super vain. So my thinking was that if I didn’t look after my appearance then people would think this less. With having a baby and because of the current global situation I’m not sure when I’ll be dressing up next though…

I also like to be invisible when I’m out and about, so by looking ‘bad’ I hope that people won’t look at me twice. Writing this it makes me feel vain as if I’m saying that if I made an effort with my appearance then I’d look amazing and people would look at me/throw comments my way. My thoughts and actions surrounding my appearance is something I need to think about more/explore within a project… But yeah I don’t think I’ll be wearing push up bras and putting ‘the twins’ on display anytime soon. Well I probably am displaying them more for baby feeding reasons, but that’s only been indoors so far.

The breasts vs boobs hashtag also still stands. I probably should use breasts as it’s more mature, but apparently I do prefer just saying boobs. It just seems more casual?

And finally the hashtags that talk about how I’ll feel post-birth about my body… I made a comment to Tiago this morning about the skin on my belly being a bit looser, but it’s not ‘as bad’ as I thought it would be and I’ve done 2 minutes of core exercise since giving birth. I was probably the fittest I’ve ever been when I was pregnant as I was doing exercise videos in the morning and evening, and then having a daily walk. At the moment I’m focused on making sure I go for a walk every day, but I need to make time for more stretching. The more you stretch, the more you realise you need to.

Final thoughts about the chosen images: They show nothing, but also a lot when you look at the series as a whole. It seems awkward to show them, but it’s nice to see my bump growing and without pictures like these there would be a noticeable gap in the project. That’s my interpretation anyways.


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