Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)

I Am Not A Morning Person (6th January 2020)


I have not done a shoot yet, but I imagine myself looking tired as hell.

(I don’t look too bad actually, but I had been up for a few hours…)


We need to start the sleep training that we have been on about for ages.


It is really hard to know what to do – maybe she is just hungry? She is eating quite a bit at meals at the moment, but maybe it’s not enough?

(Spoiler for future blog posts: We finally started it – hello night 9 tonight – and it’s been great to sleep. B hasn’t had a night feed since we started. Why did we not do it before? I also do not mind the mornings so much if I have slept well. Hurrah!)

#EveryMorningITellMyselfThatTonightIAmGoingToBedEarlier #AndEveryNightIFindThatIAmReadingABookUntil11pmAndITellMyselfThatIAmGoingToRegretItInTheMorning

Though last night I did put my book down at 10.45pm. I started reading quite late as my brain could not relax.

I’m currently reading Bridget Jones’s Diary as I have never read it before, and it is an easy read.


I just remembered that someone is calling me soon again – at the time when B is due to wake up.

#MyHealthVisitorWasMeantToComeAndCheckOnMeTheOtherDayButSheCalledToSayThatAsWeHadBecomeTier4ItWasNotAGoodIdea #IHadNotEvenHeardTheNewsYetThatWeWereTier4

I was feeling good so I didn’t think that she needed to check on me anyways.


Things change fast.


Though they are supposed to be allowed to happen as they are support groups, but a lot of the venues are waiting for more clarification.

#HopefullyByTheTimeTheyReturnToNormalMyNanWillHaveHadAVaccine #TheVirusHasGotABitCloseToHomeLatelySoIHopeSheDoesGetItSoon

I felt like Nan was going out too much before as she was so bored. Now she is a bit scared, which is sad but I am glad that she seems less keen to go out now – especially as she will hopefully have the vaccine soon.

#AnywaysTheCallYesterdayWasAnAssessmentToSeeIfTheyThoughtThatTheirServiceCouldHelpMe #IHadToFillInAMoodQuestionnaireAndWeRanThroughMyAnswers

I have lost count of how many of these questionnaires I have done over the years.

#ITalkedAboutFeelingGuiltyAndWorryingThatIWasNotGoodEnoughForB #TheWomanSaidThatWhenWeGiveBirthToThePlacentaItCanBeLikeGivingBirthToABallOfGuilt #SomePeopleMightDisagreeButThatHasStuckOutInMyMindFromTheCallAsItSeemsSomewhatTrueToMe

I definitely have a lot of guilt these days. Even this morning I felt bad as when I was with B my brain was just thinking in hashtags…


I am an overthinker for sure.

#SheSaidIShouldKeepAMoodDiaryAndAlsoTryToWriteDownTwoPositiveThingsADay #IAlsoNeedToBreatheMoreAndTurnAwayNegativeThoughtsLikeUnwantedVisitorsToOurHouse

I have been saying lately that I am so negative. I ran out of hashtags before I could name two positive things, but I know that we are lucky. Tiago still has a job, we are living in a nice, warm house and B does seem healthy.

#SomeoneWillCallToCheckOnMeEveryTwoWeeksAndIAmNowAlsoPartOfAWhatsappGroup #IAmInterestedToSeeHowTheGroupGoesAsIFeelAwkwardEnoughAfterOneToOneChats #WithGroupsICanGetVeryEnthusiasticAndThenJustFeelRubbishAboutMyselfWhenPeopleDoNotRespondWell #IHaveNeverPartOfSuchALargeGroupThoughSoIThinkIWillJustSitOnTheSidelinesForNow

I won’t be talking about the group much in future, except for probably saying how awkward I feel. No I won’t – I’ll be being positive!

It’s a confidential group so yeah what happens in the group stays in the group.

#IObviouslyHaveALotOfSelfConfidenceAndSelfEsteemIssuesThatINeedToWorkOn #EvenAfter10PlusYearsOfMakingTherapeuticSelfPortraitureWorkToDoWithItAll

I remember going to CBT while doing my Neblina project and the guy said I had low self-esteem. I felt like a fraud with all of my work that I do and I was quite annoyed about it. However, he was right and I still need to work on it a lot.


Happy Mum, happy baby.


What happened to the mother of the one month old doing face masks? I need to find her again.

I wish I could have bottled the hormones I had a week after B was born. I felt so high and confident – I could have taken on the world. I really miss that version of me. I feel like that was the real me deep down under the layers of stress, guilt and shame.

#ISaidThatIWasGoingOutForTwoWalksADayButLastNightIRealisedThatWeAreNowUnderALockdownLikeTheFirstOne #ThisMeansWeAreOnlyAllowedOneWalkADayButIAmSomewhatRelievedAsICanNotBeBotheredToGoOutForTwoWalksAtTheMoment

Luckily I didn’t break the law yesterday as I did not feel up to two walks.

Let’s see how long this goes on for… the lockdown that is.

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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Fifth Family Portrait (2nd January 2021)

Fifth Family Portrait (2nd January 2021)


It’s been a weird one so far.

#IFeelLikeEverythingIWasGoingToSayDoesNotMatterNowAsTiagosGrandmotherHasDied #WeHaveNotSeenHerIn18MonthsAndSheNeverGotToMeetB #HeSaysItIsAShameThatHeCanNotGoToTheFuneralBecauseOfTheVirus #InPortugalTheFuneralsAreUsuallyTheNextDaySoHeSaysHeWillJustGoToTheCemeteryWhenWeFinallyManageToGetToTheIslandAgain


When his Grandfather died he got told on a Friday evening, and Saturday morning he had to get 3 flights (it’s usually 2) to make it the funeral on time. Luckily he just made it.

#WeFinallyAppliedForBsPassportTheOtherDay #WeDidNotBotherRushingDueToCovidButHopefullySoonWeMightBeAbleToVisitTiagosFamily

I knew we wouldn’t be going anywhere for a while so there didn’t seem any point in having lots of unused time on it, but we are hoping to be able to travel at somepoint this year.


I was hoping to get home before she got too sleepy. Nope.


I felt weirdly good.


My period came, so I think it was related to that.

#WeAreNowPlanningToMoveOutAsWeThinkItWillBeBetterForAllOfUsToHaveOurOwnSpace #EspeciallyAsWeThinkWeWillBeInBirminghamLongerThanWeInitiallyThoughtWeMight

I feel excited about looking for somewhere; it’s a nice distraction as always. I’m hoping to finish my coding course tonight or tomorrow, so I’ll have more time to look at other things.


We are really lucky. Especially during this pandemic, as we have yet to be really affected by it. Obviously things are not how we want them to be, but it is what it is.


Is this a British thing? It’s probably more just a me thing.

#SocialMediaSeemsToExistForShowingOffThoughIFindItAwkward #ThoughTheOtherDayIPostedMyTopNineToInstagramAndIRealiseThatItComesAcrossAsABitBraggy

I talked about the main things that were shown (me being pregnant and having a solo show), then I just seemed to throw a few more things in.

2020 was a big change for me, but some good things did happen.

#IFeelLikeIShouldHavePutAFootnoteAboutAllTheTimesIFeltRubbish #ButThisProjectIsEnoughOfAWhinefest

I think people who know me know that I am honest about a lot of things.

#IAmGratefulToBeAMotherAndItIsGood #ButSometimesIDoFeelOverwhelmedAndStressedByItAll #WorryingAboutIfIAmGoodEnoughToRaiseASmallHumanToBeAGreatBigHuman #StressingThatSheIsNotGettingEnoughToEat #FrettingThatIAmGivingHerTooLittleOrTooMuchParacetamol #ToBeFairIDoNotGiveItHerThatOftenSoItIsProbablyMoreTheTooLittleCategory

Basically I’m winging it from day to day. She is growing and she does giggle sometimes, so I must be getting something right?

#IThinkInPersonBabyClassesAreSuspendedForNowUntilTheGovernmentReviewsThem #IAmNotIntoOnlineBabyClassesAsSeeingAndTalkingToPeopleInRealLifeIsTheBestThingAboutThem #ObviouslyItIsGoodToKnowThatBIsGettingSomeGoodPlaytimeThatWillHelpWithDevelopment

It is what it is – we’ll go to a real life class again when we can.

#IJustWantHerToTurnOutOkayAndWell #IHopeThatSheBecomesMoreLikeTiagoThanMe

I need to work on myself as much as I can. I have a call with a mental health service next week and they said they’ll see what ‘tools’ might help me the best.


I’ll never get over Brexit.

I realised that I am the only member of Tiago’s family who isn’t an EU citizen now… Great.

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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Have Started To Balance Things On My Head For B’s Amusement (30th December 2020)

I Have Started To Balance Things On My Head For B’s Amusement (30th December 2020)

(The photo is of me stacking B’s cups on my head – thanks to my sister for sending these! B was actually having a nap when I did this, so she wasn’t harmed by my failed attempts. She didn’t even wake up at the sound of them all falling! I usually put just one on my head to amuse her…)

This post is fuelled by Nights On Broadway by the Bee Gees. I’m writing this on 30th December 2020 – and I can not believe that this year is nearly over. Do I think 2021 will be much different? Hmm…

#ItIs9InTheMorningAndBIsHavingANap #WeMadeAnEffortToStartTheDayAt7TodayThoughYesterdayItWasMoreLike5

I need to wake her up in about 20 minutes, so I need to write quick.

#IFeelLikeBJustHadAReallyFunHourAndIWishICouldBeThatHighEnergyAllDayWithHer #LotsOfSingingSongsAndLiftingHerIntoTheAirAndReadingBooksEtc

In the morning I can not be bothered to leave our bedroom, so I usually get B’s milk (which I do have to leave the room for) and Tiago feeds her while I do yoga. Then he goes off to shower and start work, while I entertain B until naptime.

I think there are less distractions in our room (well there is no TV), so it’s generally better quality time. We didn’t have a TV in Liverpool and my Nan is usually watching it – I should really move B’s stuff away from the TV.

#TheOtherDayIHadARagingHeadacheAndStillManagedToPretendToBeAHorseWhileSingingTheWilliamTellOverture #WeBounceHerUpAndDownWhileWeSingItButWeGetExtraGigglesIfOneOfUsIsAHorseToo

I just randomly started to do it one day and she laughed. Anything that makes her laugh is a winner obviously. She was so grumpy from teething that I wanted to cheer her up, so I didn’t care that my head was pounding.


We made some videos the other day of B giggling from T just putting his finger in his mouth and then suddenly pointing the same finger (yeah, really non-exciting stuff but B loves it). I can hear Tiago watching them all the time…



#WeWentToMyParentsHouseTheOtherDayForTheFirstTimeInMonths #WeAreAllowedToBeInASupportBubbleWithThemAsBIsUnder1 #BWasCryingAsSheDidNotRecogniseMyDadAndWasEvenBeingFunnyWithMyMumEvenThoughSheSeesHerAFewTimesAWeek

My Mum usually comes to us as she does some chores for my Nan. I think B was just a bit weirded out by being in a new place and maybe she didn’t recognise my Mum in a different place? She’s seen my Dad once before since we moved, but that was at my Nan’s house (where we live) and so she was okay with it. Babies are weird…


Things would be so much easier if she could communicate.

#INeedToStopMakingHerNewFoodAndUseWhatWeHaveInTheFreezer #ISuddenlyRealisedYesterdayThatSoonSheWillBe7MonthsAndCanStartEatingOtherThings #AndWeHaveAFreezerFullOfHomemadeBabyFoodAndNoSpareTubsForNewStuff

We also have quite a few 4-6 months pouches. I guess I can just add other things to them if we don’t get through it all.

#IThinkIAmGivingHerTooMuchPorridgeInTheMorningAsSheDoesNotLikeToEatMuchForLunch #ButSheGenerallyAlwaysEatsHerPorridgeSoIUsuallyMakeABatchWhichIsEnoughFor3Days

I find it filling and I don’t know how she eats as much as she does. No wonder she doesn’t eat much lunch.

#YesterdayIMadeSomeCourgetteSpringOnionRiceWithCheese #SheDidNotSeemImpressedByItButIEnjoyedEatingSome

Soon we should start just giving her a bit of our dinners, but I worry that she might not get as much variety. I do really need to sit down and do a meal plan. At the moment we’ve been getting those recipe boxes a bit – they’re good, but sometimes it can feel quite overwhelming to finish everything.


There’s a butternut squash dish that I make for her. The first time she loved it, the second time she didn’t, and the third time she loved it. I also need to stop giving her new dishes when I am in a rush to go out – we were going out for a walk to meet a Mum and her baby.


I did not even know it was possible.



#TheyAreSoTimeConsumingNowAndIProbablyDoNotDoThemThatWellButIGuessSomeIsBetterThanNone #INeedToGoOnATrampolineAndSeeHowEffectiveTheyReallyAre

The app is really good – Kegel Exercises – with daily reminders and I feel guilty if I do not do them. I still remember a midwife on the ward telling us all to do them, otherwise we’ll regret it when we’re older.


And perhaps in these hashtags.


There are many conversations that I have had with people from baby classes which I wish I could start over.

#IHaveSaidItBeforeButIThinkThisPandemicHasImpactedMySocialSkills #ObviouslyWorseThingsHaveHappenedToALotOfPeopleButItIsAWeirdSideEffect

I just have flashbacks to things I have said and cringe, all the time.


Yeah, my people skills have always been rubbish, but they seem to be getting worse.

I am also guilty of being quite hard on myself. Maybe people think the same about what they have said to me, but I rarely think ‘oh, why did they say that?’ or something along those lines.


I have said it 100 times, but what is B thinking? I would love to know.

(Cue that Think About Things song by Daði Freyr.)

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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Tiago’s Second Home Haircut (26th December 2020)

Tiago’s Second Home Haircut (26th December 2020)


I can hear B giggling at T from here. I’m also listening to Sparrow Sleeps – which are lullaby versions of songs that I liked when I was a teen. I’ve been listening to Relient K, but now I see they have albums of Say Anything and Alkaline Trio… It’s quite nice to write to as I don’t get so distracted by the lyrics though I am kind of singing along anyways.

(I wrote this on 26th December and I’d already forgot about Sparrow Sleeps, so thanks to me for the reminder!)

#SheHasBeenWakingUpACoupleOfTimesInTheNightButSleepingQuiteWellInGeneral #SoLastNightWeStayedUpLateWatchingPearlHarbourWhichIHadRecordedACoupleOfWeeksAgo #TheNightBeforeWeHadStayedUpNotAsLateWatchingADocumentaryAboutTheBeeGees

We thought that we were cursing things by staying up late two nights ago, but as she slept fairly well we just ended up watching the whole of Pearl Harbour. I thought I would turn it off at 11pm, but there seemed like no point as we were so close to the end.


Well, Tiago says when I am finished that he will probably have a nap.

#TiagoHasFourDaysOffForXmasSoIHaveBeenHavingALittleMoreOfABreak #IFeelGuiltyAboutItThough

Tiago says I can’t win as I feel bad for wanting more time for myself, but when I do I feel guilty about it and don’t really enjoy it.

T fed B all her meals yesterday (though dinner didn’t go well so I gave it a go). I tried to just read my book (The Sanest Guy In The Room by Don Black), but I kept getting distracted by my Nan and life. I usually read e-books now, but this is a physical book that my Mum got me for my birthday.


Though the feeling passed a bit after 20ish minutes in bed, when I felt guilty for being there.


It sucks feeling dumb, but I am halfway through it now so I just need to get on and finish it.


To be fair I think I always do work a bit on Xmas, and now it makes more sense than ever as Tiago is off and I work when I have the chance.

A couple of photos from my Neblina series were taken on Xmas day.


I felt like I didn’t need to speak to them anymore, but my mood does go up and down a lot. I know they won’t be able to help with some things (they won’t be able to give me time off – though like I’ve said before I don’t want time away from B), but maybe it might help me to try to change myself for the better.

#IAmFindingItHardToSeeSocialMediaPostsAboutPeopleAndTheirBabies #IThinkItIsBecauseItAllLooksSoEasyForEveryoneElseThoughIKnowThatEveryoneOnlyUsuallyTriesToShowTheirBestSelvesOnSocialMedia

It’s so stupid that it gets to me. I know that most of social media is fake and most people don’t show their true feelings etc. I am happy for other people, but it says a lot more about me than it does about them.


Talking about my cyst is just making me think of RuPaul’s Drag Race…

#WellItIsMoreTheBaldPatchThatSurroundsIt #IHaveProbablyHadItForAtLeastAYearAndAHalfButItHasGotBiggerAsIMessWithItWhenIGetStressed #AndPregnancyAndCovidAndThingsHaveBeenStressful #IAmTalkingAboutItNowToShameMyselfIntoStopMessingWithItButIKnowThatIWillProbablyNot #ICouldGetItRemovedButApparentlyTheyUsuallyGrowBack

I’m also currently reading a book about periods (Period by Emma Barnett) and it says something about talking about them being quite off limits for a lot of people. Well, I’ve now talked about periods and cysts in my project so…


Another fun thing about getting older.

#AnywaysWeReallyNeedToMoveBOutOfTheBassinetOnHerCotAndIntoTheBottomBit #ItIsRidiculousHowMuchSheHasGrownIn6Months #IGuessWeAreStallingBecauseItWillBeALotMoreAnnoyingToGetHerOutOfItAndWeWillNotBeAbleToRockHerAsEasily

It is unbelievable how much babies grow in the first six months though. I remember my friend sending us a 6 month onesie for B and thinking nah she is never going to be that big in 6 months time. Well, she is…


Carrot porridge (she eats that up every day, butternut squash with almond butter and cinnamon (she ate that all up the day before), and aubergine with red pepper and cous cous (she barely ate any).


We give her a lot of water with meals and between if she doesn’t have milk. We give her a milk feed in the morning and in the evening, but after her terrible dinner we gave her milk to make sure she had enough. I think she was just teething really badly and food was irritating her. Possibly?

#IThinkIHaveFinallyGivenUpWithBreastfeedingNowAsSheHasHadAFewDaysOfNotWantingToBreastfeedSoIGaveUpAFewDaysAgo #IThinkIFindItDifficultSeeingSoManyPostsAndReferencesAboutBreastfeedingAsIFeelABitGuiltyAboutItThoughItWasUltimatelyBsChoice

B didn’t want to anymore, so I shouldn’t feel bad about it though I feel like I might have jumped to formula a bit too quick before.. You never know. She wasn’t feeding well and we were moving, so it seemed like the best thing to do to make sure she was getting enough.

I feel like the whole breastfeeding journey has been very up and down. There are a lot of what ifs… but I do just need to let it go. Easier said than done.


And possible future posts. I need to talk about my need to gravitate to talk about negative things all the time; this is something I have felt about addressing for a while.

I guess I’ll save it for a future reflective post.

#TheShootWasMeantToBeAFamilyPortaitSessionButTiagoAskedMeToCutHisHairAgainSoIThoughtIShouldDocumentIt #IThoughtIHadDoneABetterJobThanLastTimeButNowIAmNotSoSureAndIMightNeedToNeatenItUpMoreLater

Well, I guess the next shoot can be a family portrait.

Tiago asked if I could cut his hair tonight, but my Mum was round so she looked after B while I did it. I did feel very nervous, but like last time I quickly got into it. It is quite therapeutic, but hopefully next time I’ll do a better job of it.

I never like how hair looks when it’s just been cut, so maybe it will look better in a few days. I do need to work out there not being such an abrupt change in length in hair between sections though.

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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B’s One Red Cheek (19th December 2020)

Me with one orange cheek, and holding a side ponytail.
Imitating B’s One Red Cheek (19th December 2020)

(I wrote this post on 19th December.

I used a sample of blusher that I got with some makeup I ordered on a post-birth high. The blusher was more orange than the red I expected it to be, and I haven’t really worn the other makeup that I bought.

You can also see a little scratch from B on my face.)


It seemed to get really bad around the day that Tiago was driving a van load of our stuff to Birmingham. Typical.

#SheStillDoesNotHaveAToothToShowForItAllButMaybeOneIsNearlyHere #SheUsuallyHasTwoRedCheeksWhenItIsAtItsWorst #ButTheOtherDaySheHadJustOneForTheFirstTime

I am thinking that because of the one red cheek that one is going to come through on that side first? Who knows.

#IUsuallyGiveHerSomeTeethingPowderDuringTheDay #IWouldNotHaveThoughtItWouldWorkButAFriendRecommendedIt

We use the Ashtons & Parsons ones (no, I’m not making money for the recommendation).

My Mum said she never used them as she thought they wouldn’t work, but she’s really impressed by them.

#AndThenAtNightIfItSeemsBadIWillGiveHerParacetamol #SheWokeUpALotLastNightSoIProbablyShouldHaveGivenHerSomeMore #IWishSheCouldCommunicateAndLetUsKnowIfSheIsInALotOfPain #IJustDoNotWantToGiveHerTooMuchParacetamolUnnecessarily

I really don’t like taking medications unless I feel quite bad. I shouldn’t make B suffer though. If she seems in pain I will give it to her. I think I got put off by my Mum saying that some people just give it to their kids to make them sleep through the night. Obviously I want B to sleep through the night, but I didn’t want to feel like I was just trying to drug her.

#MyPlanToGetUpAt7ishHasNotBeenGoingSoWellTheLastCoupleOfDays #TypicallyWeAlwaysSeemToGetUpLateOnDaysWhereWeNeedToBeOutOfTheHouseInTheMorning

It’s been months since I’ve set alarms and used the snooze button. Snooze is my best/worst friend again…

#YesterdayIReadAnArticleAboutMotherhoodAndArtistsAt2amAndCouldNotSleepAgainUntil5am #MyBrainWouldNotStopThinkingAboutIt

Do Female Artists Have to Choose Between Motherhood and a Career?‘ by Hettie Judah.

I’m currently writing an article about how my art practice has changed since having a baby and I just kept sending myself notes and thoughts.


I guess from what I’ve heard people do not take you seriously as an artist if you make a lot of work about motherhood. This also seems rubbish though as everyone is born in some way and so many people are mothers.

#ButItIsAHugeNewPartOfMyLifeAndSoItSeemsLikeAnObviousThingToDo #EspeciallyWhenMyWorkIsALotAboutProcessingMyThoughtsAndFeelingsMostOfTheTime

I like to think that my work is helpful for other people. I have had some Dads tell me how they’ve found this project and/or my pregnancy one useful.

It’s all a nice record for me too. I can’t believe how much B has grown and it’s been a blur. My pregnancy feels like a past life already, so it’s nice to be able to trigger memories and things through my work.

#IHaveBeenFeelingFineMentallyStill #ThoughOnDaysWhereItRainsAllDayIDoFeelALittleStuckIndoors

Oh winter. Though yesterday I did just brave a trip out in the afternoon to return something.


During the class it started to POUR.

#EveryoneHadTheirBabiesInChristmasOutfits #IManagedToPutBInSomethingOtherThanAOnesieButSheLookedLikeSheWasDressedForEaster #AtLeastIHadRedAndGreenSocksOnButTheyWereWatermelonRelated #IAmNotTooFussedAboutChristmas

Yeah, no Christmas clothes for B. Maybe when she’s older and likes Christmas but at the moment I’m really not bothered.

We need to sort out what we’re having for food and things, but I’m also not fussed. Think we’re just going to get lots of snack foods. We had some good cheese and pickle bites the other day.


It looks like the Government is backtracking on people meeting up too. When they announced that we could I knew it was too early.

#IHaveAlreadyGivenHerHerChristmasPresentAsIDidNotSeeThePointOfWaiting #SheLikesTheMonkeyPuppetThatTheTeacherInYesterdaysClassUses #WeWereWaitingForTiagoToPickUsUpAndIMentionedThatIWantedToGetBOne #TheTeacherSellsThemSoIGotHerOneAndGaveItHerInTheCar

Hurrah. That was super easy. I had looked for one the other day, but didn’t like any. At the first class B was absolutely transfixed by it.


It is a lot of work. so I’ll have strong hands in no time. Maybe then I should go bouldering…

This post has been fuelled by Agnes Obel’s song Broken Sleep.

Me dancing to the song (made since I wrote this post).

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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Portrait Of A Mother Of A 6 Month Old (16th December 2020)

Portrait Of A Mother Of A 6 Month Old (16th December 2020)


Last week I just felt awful (I’m writing this on 16th December). I just wanted to lie in bed at any opportunity, and I cried a lot.

#IDecidedToStartMyFinalCodingCourseYesterday #IHadBeenPuttingItOffButIHadPaidForItAlreadyAndIDoubtMuchWillHappenInTheNextMonth #IAmStressedAboutDoingItButAtTheSameTimeIFeelReallyGoodWhenIGetThingsRight

I saw a friend who asked how it was all going. I had forgotten about it, so I thought about starting next week but I thought it was best just to sign up and get on with it while I felt in the mood to.

I found that I was just faffing a lot in the evenings once B had gone to bed.


We used to make more of an effort to try to get her to go back to sleep. She does sleep through the night at times, so I knew she couldn’t be that hungry, but feeding her is a quick way to make her go back to sleep.


Especially if it was 5am. I’d just be rushing to feed her as I knew she would definitely sleep for a long time afterwards. I don’t mind starting our day at 6, but 5 is too early. If she wakes up pre-6 and is being quiet it’s fine, but if she is screaming then something needs to happen.


So basically I wouldn’t get anything done, which would make me feel worse and make me want to lie in bed and cry more.


I like to do some yoga/stretching in the morning. We were getting up late and then T would have to get ready to start work, whereas if we get up at 7 he can feed B while I stretch. Though the last 2 days I’ve had to feed her and make other time for my yoga as T didn’t sleep very well two nights ago and this morning he had to go out to work for once (instead of working at home).

#ThoughYesterdaySheWasAwakeAt5ThirtyAndAt6IGaveUpAndFedHer #ButIGotALotDoneDuringHerNaps

At 6am it seemed like ‘fair enough, let’s just start the day and then in 2 hours she will be having a nap again, so I know I can get things done’. I’m not looking forward to her dropping another nap. Apparently it should be done between 7 and 9 months. I’m hoping it goes towards the end of the 9 months, but we’ll just have to see how B is.


I did get a bit stressed out that she was asleep for so long. It feels weird that she should have dinner around 4ish, but I managed to stretch it until 4.30pm and then extended her awake time to 6.30ish. Apologies if some of this stuff is super boring.


T was just about to get into bed when she woke up. We do usually do a dream feed around 9.30/10 anyways. Sometimes we think about dropping it, but I have read that some people suggest doing it until 1 years old. I know some babies don’t have it, but it seems to work (at times) for us.

#ButWhenSheWokeUpAt2ITriedForLongerToPutHerBackToSleepWithoutFeedingHerAsIKnewSheWasNotHungryAndWantedToSleep #SheIsEatingALotOfFoodDuringTheDaySoSheShouldNotNeedFeedingSoMuchAtNight

I am surprised by how much she eats at times.

Also, when trying to put her back to sleep I usually put my hand on her chest and if she turns her head to the side quite quickly I know she wants to sleep. She was also lifting her legs up and throwing them down quick, which is another sign that she wants to sleep. I was about to get her some milk, but I realised that she wasn’t really crying much, so I tried one more time to see if she would sleep. I rubbed her forehead a little bit and eventually she went off.

I just read my book (André Leon Talley’s The Chiffon Trenches) a little bit, as sometimes it is better just to read and observe rather than try to go back to sleep and get annoyed when she won’t settle.

#YesterdayIMadeButterbeanAndAvocadoForHer #ButIPutTooMuchLemonInItAndItDidNotGoWell

Whoops. I have seen plenty of videos of animals and babies trying lemon for the first time, and she had a very similar look.


She had a few spoons, then I got a pouch of food out of the cupboard but by that point I think she was too traumatised and wouldn’t take anything off of the spoon. I gave her 4 oz of milk, which she drank most of, but I worried it would not be enough.


I had wanted to go 10 minutes early to try to talk to other people. I did end up talking to someone which was nice, but the next class isn’t for a few weeks now.


‘Make sure you take some pictures’.


Annoyingly there was a cute photo op set up too. I feel like I can’t be bothered to dress her in outfits unless we go to class though. When we go out for walks she is usually in her pram suit, so no one can see.

I’m sure soon I’ll get used to putting her in other clothes…

#IAmJustGoingToTryAddingSomeCarrotsToHerLeftoverFood #IfSheDoesNotLikeItThenIWillJustHaveToEatIt

I already have butterbean dip to eat as the recipe didn’t ask for the whole tin of beans.

I made this one, since I had all of the ingredients.

#IForgotToMentionInMyLastEntryThatThereIsAWaitingTimeOf3To6WeeksForTheServiceThatMyHealthVisitorToldMeToRing #ItHappensALotWhereIFeelLikeINeedHelpForALongTime #WhenIEventuallyAskForHelpThereIsAlwaysALongWaitingList #ThenByTheTimeTheyGetRoundToGettingBackInTouchIFeelALotBetter

This definitely happened while I was making my Neblina project. By the time they call though I might feel like I need some help again. I definitely have reoccurring issues that I need help working on.

My work is therapeutic, but it can only do so much.

#IHaveAlwaysBeenVeryUpAndDownThough #AndMyWorkPlaysABigPartInIt #GettingUpEarlierAndGivingMyselfMoreOfAChanceToGetThingsDoneDefinitelyMakesMeFeelBetter

It’s nice to start the day feeling like I don’t have all of my to-do list hanging over me. That means I can give B more of my attention (not a stressed out Mum thinking about the many things I want/need to do).


The good thing about her going to bed earlier too (I’m going to aim for a 7pm bedtime in future) is that I usually get stuff done earlier, which means I can go to sleep earlier. I do like to read for about 30 minutes or so before I go to bed, though last week I was reading for about an hour at night. It was good, but sometimes I did read too much which I shouldn’t do as you never know when B will wake up.

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Weaning Has Been Really Stressing Me Out (13th December 2020)

Me holding B (whose face is concealed by Photoshop manipulation) who is pulling my left cheek.
Weaning Has Been Really Stressing Me Out (13th December 2020)

I wrote this on 13th December 2020.


I originally said B’s spiral of hair on the back of her head. I just search engined for the correct term and hair whorl came up, though I do know it as a crown. Hair whorl is different though…

(I experimented with different ways to cover her face and I liked this method the best.)

#ButIRealisedPrettyQuicklyThatItWouldBeDifficult #IWillTryAgainWhenSheGetsBetterAtSittingMoreIndependently

They do say don’t work with babies and animals…

It will be a lot easier to do when she can sit up by herself better. I can just take pictures of her without the faff of trying to hold her and take the picture at the same time.


It passed some of our playtime, we had some quality time together and I felt less stressed once I had done the shoot.

#IHaveBeenFeelingBetter #IHadAFewNightsOfJustFeelingCrummyAndNotWantingToDoAnyWork #IWasJustGettingIntoBedEarlyAndReadingMariaVonTrappsBiography #IProbablyJustNeededToRestABitButNowIFeelALotBetter

There is some language in the book that is a bit un-PC/non-PC, but it is interesting learning more about the true/extended story of the Sound of Music (we watched it two weeks ago).

#WeaningHasBeenReallyStressingMeOut #IDidNotRealiseHowEasyIHadItWithBreastfeedingAndFormulaFeeding #ButISeemToHaveSolvedThisProblemByThinkingAheadABitMoreMakingBiggerBatchesAndFreezingFood

Feeding suddenly went from not being that stressful to being super stressful. I still feel a little overwhelmed about it all (so many foods left for her to try/making sure she gets a balanced mix of things), but making more and freezing more is definitely a good idea.

#IAlsoWasGettingStressedOutByHavingToMakeFoodInTheMorningSoIJustUsedABabyPorridgePouchForACoupleOfDays #YesterdayIMadeABatchOfCarrotPorridgeWithMyMum #IMightJustStartMakingMoreAndEatItMyselfForBreakfastToo

It will be better when she starts just having a variation of our meals. I do need to sit down and meal plan and make sure we’re eating a good variety of foods throughout the week.

#ItIsNiceSeeingMyMumMore #SheTookUsToTheSupermarketAgainThisWeek #ItShowsHowBoringMyLifeIsWhenITalkAboutGoingToTheSupermarketLikeItIsAHighlightOfMyWeek #WellMaybeItWasAHighlight

The days are so long and I worry that B is not entertained enough, so it was nice to go to a supermarket and do something different. This time I carried her in a carrier, so she was more chilled.


I’m currently eating scrambled egg on toast with some asparagus on the side – B has some asparagus to try later.

#IAmStartingToGetIntoCookingABitMoreThoughAsIWantBToEatHealthyFood #IDoNotReallyWantToGiveHerPouchesButTheyAreAGoodBackupToHaveForLazyDays #BIsNowEating3FoodMealsADaySoThatIsALotOfFoodToSortOut #IJustTriedToGetHerPouchesOfFoodThatWillBeMoreAnnoyingToDoAtHome

There’s no point getting pouches of carrot, when it’s cheaper to buy a kilo of them and you just boil them…

Making food for B is a good way to use up random bits of veg too, and then putting other leftover veg in soups.

#WeWentToABabyClassThisWeek #IFeelLikeIAmSoBadAtTalkingToPeopleInRealLife #IThinkIJustSayReallyAnnoyingThingsAndIGetSoExcitedAboutTalkingToSomeoneThatIJustKeepTalking #AndOftenIDoNotHaveTimeToAskAQuestionBackAsTheClassStartsOrSomething #INeedToJustCalmDownAndTalkLessAboutMyself

I blame the pandemic, but maybe my ‘people skills’ have always been bad. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say, so I find it easier to talk about myself and hope that the person will jump in on something that relates to them. They probably just think that I’m trying to show off or that I am annoying though…

We’ve got one more class before Christmas. We’ve been to that group a couple of times, but annoyingly it’s the furthest away and so the people who go don’t live close to us.

It’s raining outside at the moment and the bad weather annoys me more than not having lots of people to meet and talk to during the day. The day I felt better coincided with a long walk to our class though in nicer weather. I can’t wait for winter to be over.

#BGotGivenAPieceOfFoilInClassAndSheLovesItAsItIsSoNoisy #IThinkForChristmasSheWillBeGettingACardboardBoxWithASpaceBlanketInIt

It’s funny seeing her next to all her toys and she’s the happiest playing with a bit of space blanket.

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I Need To Just Focus On What I Have And Make The Best Of Things (8th December 2020)

Me with my head down on a table.
I Need To Just Focus On What I Have And Make The Best Of Things (8th December 2020)

I’ve wrote these hashtags out so many times in my bed in the last 24 hours, and I think they could have been a lot better. Oh well. I’m writing this on 8th December.

Suddenly felt the need to listen to Shiny Happy People by R.E.M.

The song is about something darker, which is what I thought when it came into my head.


#WellYesterdayStartedFineAndNormal #BWokeUpEarlyButItWasManageable #TiagoFedHerWhileIStretchedThenWePlayed #PutHerDownForANapAfterTwoHoursAndIThoughtIWouldSleepToo #SheSleptForAbout30MinutesAndIJustWokeUpFeelingBroken

I was really looking forward to sleeping, but it does seem like an overreaction.

#IFedHerSomeCauliflowerForTheFirstTimeWhichDidNotGoThatWell #AndThenICouldNotStopCrying #IWentToBedToCallTheNumberThatTheHealthVisitorHadGivenMe #TheCallWasSoFrustratingAsTheLineWasNotGreatAndWeHadToKeepCallingEachOtherBack #EventuallyTheyHadAllTheInformationWhichIProbablyCouldHaveJustFilledOutOnline #IAmWaitingToHearBackAboutAnInitialConsultation

I had been thinking about calling for a few days, but the line was always closed when I felt like I should call.


I just felt awful that he felt the need to do it. It made me feel like I was really failing.

(This is not a criticism of him, it’s just how I felt.)

#ITookPicturesOfMeCryingButIDoNoWantToSharePicturesLikeThatAnymore #ItFeelsLikeTooMuchAndLikeIAmAttentionSeeking #SharingThisFeelsLikeIAmTooButIDoHopeThatBySharingThingsThatItMightInspireSomeoneElseToAskForHelp

This project is supposed to honest. It’s awkward at times, but I know I’m not the only new-ish Mum who feels like this.


I keep saying that I’d love a week off, but I do not want that time away from her. I know I will not get a week off and it will not fix everything anyways. I’ve been mothering for nearly 6 months now; I knew it would be intense but living it is completely different.

#WeWentToAClassYesterdayAndItIsGoodToPassSomeTime #ButItAlsoFeelsLikeGoingToHighSchoolAllOverAgain #MumsUsuallyAlreadyHaveTheirLittleGroupsAndIJustFeelAwkward #ISpokeToSomeoneAndSheSaidHeIsReallyCuteAboutB #IFeltAwkwardCorrectingHerAndIThinkSheThenFeltAwkwardThoughIReallyDoNotMind #SheIsUsuallyDressedInBlueSoIKindOfExpectPeopleToAutomaticallyCallHerABoy #IUsuallySayHowOldIsYourLittleOneOrSomethingLikeThatToAvoidPossibleAwkwardness

Oh classes. I love to pass the time and know that B is getting a lot of stimulation. It has brought a whole new set of concerns though – especially yesterday when she was due to have a nap when the class started. She slept to and from class and I’ve just had to let go of things. It is good for me.

But yeah, just feeling like the awkward new kid is no fun.

#IThinkIAmNotTalkingToBEnough #AtAClassTheOtherWeekINoticedThatOtherPeopleWereTalkingALotMoreToTheirBabies

Sometimes it is negative to compare yourself to other Mums, but this was something that was a positive recognition – what can I be doing better at? Often I will just daydream when playing with B and go into myself a bit too much.


I watched these videos last night, which have inspired me.

#IJustNeedToKeepGoingOutAndHopefullySoonPeopleWillStartToRecogniseUsAndChatMore #IGuessInAnIdealWorldWeWouldHaveMorePeopleToHangOutWithDuringTheWeekToHelpTheDaysGoByInAMoreFunWay

I seem to be a bit obsessed with wanting to talk to people. I don’t know if I really even want to – it just seems like a way to pass time. I just want the best for B, and for her to get enough stimulation everyday and to be happy. I’m sure she’s fine and I need to stop worrying so much.

#ItWillProbablyHappenButNowIsNotTheBestTimeOfTheYearAndALotOfTheClassesAreVeryStopStart #INeedToJustFocusOnWhatIHaveAndMakeTheBestOfThings

It’s such a weird time. Mothering is the most intense thing I have ever done in my life. It’s good that we see my Mum and she looks after B for a bit while I cook and do whatever.

Weaning is stressing me out. It’s just full on. Before all we had to do was give her milk – now I’m having to meal prep more and things. Soon it will feel normal, but at the moment it just feels like a lot.

I don’t think this was a great post. I was just trying to write hashtags and this post while B was asleep. I need to think about the photos now. I think with pictures of me crying at least it’s an easy thing to do and share, but I want to try to do something more creative/me.

(23rd December:)Well, there’s a picture of me with my head on a table. I guess it sums up how I felt, but I did do others that were less dramatic. I couldn’t decide between a few, but Tiago said he liked this one best. Sometimes when T says a photo is his favourite it makes me realise that I don’t like the picture, but in this case I went with it.

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Imitating B Blowing Raspberries (4th December 2020)

Me imitating my daughter blowing raspberries
Imitating B Blowing Raspberries (4th December 2020)

#SoBHasFinallyDiscoveredHowToBlowRaspberries #ILoveTryingToHaveAFairlySeriousPhoneConversationAndBIsJustDoingThem #OrSheIsSupposedToBeGoingToSleepButSheJustWantsToPracticeHerNewSkill

I’m writing this on 4th December. I haven’t done the shoot yet, but I imagine that it will involve me blowing raspberries. (Yes, it did.)

#WeHaveAClassTodayWhichIAmQuiteExcitedButNervousAbout #SinceTheLastShootIHaveAlsoBookedHerOntoAnotherCourseAndATrialClass

Typically I booked her onto the other course, then saw another class that I thought she (well probably me) would enjoy more. If they were spaced out a bit better then maybe it would be alright. There’s only one class of one we’re trialling before Xmas, so if it seems good and if I think I can endure two classes two days in a row then I’ll book on.

Playtimes are so long that I’m sure it’ll be good to have another class to go to. I just worry about the timings, especially as we’ve gone so long without having fixed times that we need to go out in our schedule.

#IGotHerChangingBagOutToPrepareItAndTheNappiesInThereAreSize2 #SheIsNowIn4PlusThoughIRealisedYesterdayThatTheyAreWayToBigForHerNowThatWeKnowWhatSheWeighs

Well, the fact that we have jumped so many sizes shows how much time has passed since we last needed to use the changing bag.


Every time I try to figure out which ones to get I just feel overwhelmed and since we decided to move I haven’t looked into it again. I will.

#NowThatTheSecondLockdownHasFinishedWeAreInTier3 #TypicallyLiverpoolIsNowTier2

Classic. We moved from one tier 3 place to another tier 3 place.




I ‘met’ the Mum on that Peanut app, which is basically Tinder for Mums. I am yet to meet someone from it, but she seems nice.


She suggested the idea, as we can now see her. We had seen her a bit as she had been running errands for my Nan, but it’s now nice to be able to properly hang out (and go to the supermarket together).


We also had not been in the car since we moved so that was funny. It was also B’s first time in my parents’ car seat (and in my Mum’s car?)


I had forgotten to bring her carrier…


It was a bit overwhelming for me as well really.

#TiagoHasBeenDoingTheShoppingForSoLongThatIForgottenAboutHalfTheThingsThatExist #ItWasAlsoWeirdSeeingThatThereAre20TypesOfOneProductToChooseFrom

I think it was vegetable stock that I was surprised to see so many different brands/types of.

#IAmStartingToGetIntoCookingABitMoreNow #BSeemsToBeEnjoyingFoodAndIWantHerToHaveHealthyMeals #SheReallyLikedSweetPotatoThoughIReadTodayThatItIsBestToLeaveThatUntilLaterAndStartWithLessSweetFoods #Whoops

I think she will be having sweet potato more often. Tiago isn’t usually a fan of it, but I made baked sweet potatoes and he really liked them. I’m trying to give her lots of different vegetables now before repeating them though.


It felt super squidgy, but nope… I had half of it on my breakfast sandwich (that sounds fancy), with the intention of giving her some of the remaining bit.


It is cooked and waiting for B to wakeup.

#TheOtherNightIDreamedThatWeWentToHerBabyClassAndThereWasABoxOfSnacksWithHerNameOnItOnATable #SheWasNotReadyForThemYetSoIAteThemAll #ButThenIWorriedThatTheyWereNotActuallyForHerAndIFeltReallyGuilty

There was a note with them saying thanks for being a returning student. We had not been before though. I love awkward dreams…

(20th: Last night I had a dream that I was carrying around a cat that was high on cat nip?)


Thinking I’m a terrible parent reminded me of this.

#IFeelBetterDueToBookingHerInForMoreClassesAndTheSupportBubbleRulesChanging #ThoughTypicallyTheClassesWillNotBeRunningForAFewWeeksOverXmasSoWeShallSeeHowItGoes

The nervous energy about her class today is distracting me. I was a bit grumpy yesterday though. My period arrived a couple of days ago and I’m bored of it already. I miss my period free days…

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I Carried Her Coat Down The Stairs On My Head And Thought It Was Interesting Enough For A Photo (1st December 2020)

I Carried Her Coat Down The Stairs On My Head And Thought It Was Interesting Enough For A Photo (1st December 2020)

(Well, the title says it all. Maybe I should have called it something more interesting, but it is what it is.)


Though typically I feel better after venting about it in my hashtags.

(I’m writing this on 1st December 2020.)


We gave her some paracetamol last night for the first time in a few nights and maybe that was why? Or it could be that she went to bed quite early, but had two more feeds before we went to bed? She always seems to be hungry…


I try to prepare her food for the day during her first nap now.


This is my new thing now – preparing food for B and then trying to make a soup for us for lunch. I think I felt so crummy as I just wanted to get on and do my work, but I was sorting out food.

#YesterdayTheHealthVisitorCameAndSheSaidBIsProgressingWell #SheIsStayingWithinHerWeightPercentileWhichIsGood

Good news.

#ISaidThatIAmStrugglingABitMentally #InLiverpoolIToldMyGPWhoSaidToTellMyHealthVisitor #HereInBirminghamTheHealthVisitorSaysIShouldTellMyGPAndGaveMeANumberForAPostNatalServiceToTry #IFeltQuiteGoodYesterdaySoIThoughtIWouldCallThemWhenIFeltBad #IMightGiveThemACallLater

Obviously every place has their own way of doing things. I do tend to feel better at the start of the week and the health visitor coming made the day a bit more interesting. Though I did think that I had the wrong day as it was getting on and she had not arrived. B was due for a nap but I was trying to keep her up as I knew she would have to be weighed. In the end I put her to bed and called the number to check, and they said she was 30 minutes away.


To see how I’m doing mentally.


Back time, tummy time, books, toys etc. repeat x 10.




Classes are starting up again, but typically it’s nearly Christmas now so they generally close for that period.

#IAmExcitedButAlsoVeryNervous #OurScheduleIsVeryFocusedAroundHomeSoIFeelABitStressedAboutHavingToPlanAroundAClass #ItWillBeGoodForUsThoughAndIHopeToFindOthersToGoTo

B is 5 and a half months old. We’ve been to one class in person. This is why I get so rigid with her routine, but luckily I have been relaxing a bit about it lately.

I am hoping the class will tire her out more than just our usual playtimes so she will sleep well at night. I have been wondering if that is why sometimes she does not sleep very well – she has not been tired out enough.

#IWasHopingThatTheHealthVisitorWouldGiveMeAListOfPlacesThatICouldGoTo #TheChildrensCentreIsQuiteFarToWalkToButApparentlyTheyHaveOnlineClassesAtTheMoment

Typically in Liverpool we lived a lot closer to a children’s centre, but it was closed the whole time that we needed it.

#IHaveNotHadToPackABagForBForAges #AndIHaveNotFedHerInPublicForALongTime #IGuessIShouldTakeABottleOfFormulaJustInCase

I feel like I am already making a mental list of what I need to take. Changing bag, change of clothes, bibs, food.

It is a little walk, but hopefully we’ll walk there if the weather is nice and then T can pick us up afterwards.

#TheOtherDayISaidSheHadNotBreastfedInAWhileAndThatIHadGivenUp #IInspiredMyselfToTryAgain #IDoNotThinkSheIsGettingMuchButSheIsGettingSomething #IWasQuiteSurprisedThatMyMilkHadNotCompletelyDriedUp

This morning she fed a bit, but she still seemed hungry so I gave her some formula too. I am trying to feed her in the morning and evening to see if that helps my supply. I miss the convenience of breastfeeding, though our prep machine is super useful.


It was good to try it out with a very small, but enthusiastic group though. I am hoping that I will have more opportunities to do it again, but who knows.

#IWorkedHardOnItSoInTheEveningITreatedMyselfToABathWithSomeBathSaltsThatIBought5MonthsAgoButHadNotUsedYet #ThereWasNotMuchHotWaterSoInTheEndIJustSoakedMyselfInAPrettyColdBath

And I did not even notice the bath salts. Typical. Even though it was quite cold, it was nice to daydream though. I just felt like I had wasted a lot of water though…

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