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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B With Her Hands And Feet On The Floor (6th March 2021)

Imitating B With Her Hands And Feet On The Floor (6th March 2021)
 
#BIsDefinitelyMovingAroundQuickerEachDay
#YesterdaySheGotStuckByTheCushionsByTheTVAsSheOnlyLikesRollingOneWaySoSheKeptRollingIntoThemRatherThanAwayFromThem
#ThisPhotoIsMeImitatingHerWithHerHandsAndFeetOnTheFloorWhichSheHasStartedToDoInTheLastWeekOrSo
#ICanNotImagineHerWalkingAroundButIGuessThoseDaysAreGettingCloserAndCloser
#SometimesAtNightNowIHearHerCryingSoITurnOnTheMonitorAndSheIsJustSatUpInHerCot
#IHadACallWithMySupportBefrienderPersonTheOtherDay
#SheSaidSheThatCouldTellThatIWasDown
#ISaidIDoNotKnowWhyIBotherMakingProjectsAndThingsWithTheFreeTimeIHaveWhenICouldBeRelaxingInstead
#SheSaidItIsBecauseYouLoveIt
#ILikeThisProjectFromTimeToTimeButItIsMoreThatIFeelIHaveToMakeIt
#WhenIDoAGoodShootIFeelGreatButWhenIDoNotIFeelPrettyDown
#SoHerCommentGaveMeAKickToActuallyStartShootingForAProjectThatIHaveBeenThinkingAboutForAFewWeeks
#IDoNotKnowIfItWillEverSeeTheLightOfDayButIDefinitelyFeelBetterForHavingStartedIt
#ThisMorningTiagoGotBUpAt7AndHeWillLookAfterHerUntilHerNapAtAround10
#IDidMyDanceVideosFirstThingToGetThemDoneAsIFeelLikeTheyHangOverMeAtTheWeekend
#TodayIReallyEnjoyedItButSomeWeeksItIsJustAnotherThingThatIFeelIHaveToDo
#INeedToStopFeelingGuiltyForHavingSomeTimeToMyself
#IWorkPrettyQuicklyNowWithTheFreeTimeIHaveAndTiagoIsBsDadSoOfCourseHeShouldBeSpendingTimeWithHer
#IThinkIFeelBadAsTiagoIsWorkingAllWeekAndMakingMoneyWhereasIDoNotMakeMuch
#IAmDoingSomeNonArtPaidWorkAtTheMomentWhichIJustDoInFifteenMinutesToTwoHoursIshSessions
#IDoLookForOtherWorkWhereBWouldHaveToGoToNurseryButThereDoesNotSeemToBeMuchOutThere
#ItWouldAlsoNeedToBeSomethingWhichLeavesMeWithEnoughAfterPayingNurseryFeesToSeemWorthIt
#MostOfTheMumsIKnowWithBabiesOfASimilarAgeAreEitherBackAtWorkOrGoingBackSoon
#ItIsAnnoyingInTheSenseThatSoonWeWillBeAbleToHangOutWithOtherBabiesButTheyAllMightBeInNurseries
#IGuessThereWillBeSomeAroundThoughWhoseParentsWorkPartTimeOrWhoAreInASimilarPosition
#IHaveSpokenToACoupleOfMumsThisWeekAtThePlaygroundWeGoTo
#IRealiseNowThatEveryoneElseProbablyWantsToChatButTheyAreJustAsAwkwardAsMe
#MyCurrentMumPickupLineIsHowOldIsYourLittleOne
#WeSayWeWillSeeEachOtherAroundButWeHaveLivedHereForFourMonthsAndIDoNotThinkIHaveSeenThemBefore
#WorkingOnANewProjectAndTalkingToPeopleMakesMeFeelHappierSoINeedToKeepOnDoingWhatIAmDoing

#BIsDefinitelyMovingAroundQuickerEachDay

I’m excited for her to walk, but I’m almost nervous. We’re on bump alert most of the time at the moment.

#YesterdaySheGotStuckByTheCushionsByTheTVAsSheOnlyLikesRollingOneWaySoSheKeptRollingIntoThemRatherThanAwayFromThem

We have cushions everywhere. She definitely has a rolling preference. She was getting agitated and I’m like ‘why don’t you just roll the other way?’

Obviously she can’t understand me, but eventually she had rolled into them enough times that she was able to make enough space to roll onto her belly and crawl away. Gripping stuff.

#ThisPhotoIsMeImitatingHerWithHerHandsAndFeetOnTheFloorWhichSheHasStartedToDoInTheLastWeekOrSo

I was toying between imitating this and the way she sits down sometimes. I will have to aim to do that next time.

I haven’t done the shoot yet, but I wrote it like I had. I guess the backdrop will be the cupboards in our bedroom again… I could quickly go into B’s room and do it there, but by the time I finish writing this she is due to sleep. I could just go and do the shoot now. Hmm.

Okay I need to move quick…

Well that was fun. Tiago and B came up during the shoot and the light was blocking the doorway (health and safety!!!), so Tiago passed B over the light which she found hilarious.

I obviously (well maybe it’s not that obvious) have more hair than B. I did some yoga after my dance videos too so that helped, especially as B is so flexible.

#ICanNotImagineHerWalkingAroundButIGuessThoseDaysAreGettingCloserAndCloser

So bizarre. I know other babies who are standing up/supporting themselves, but B seemed to want to crawl first and now she has mastered that she is working on her standing.

#SometimesAtNightNowIHearHerCryingSoITurnOnTheMonitorAndSheIsJustSatUpInHerCot

I wanted to write more about this/I did and then deleted them as I needed more space for other things. Maybe I should have kept them? Maybe I should have saved it for my next post?

It did weird me out the first time I saw her just sat there. I don’t know why, it just looked odd!

#IHadACallWithMySupportBefrienderPersonTheOtherDay

I never know what to call her. The woman who calls me every 2 weeks to talk about my mental health. I had thought about quitting the service as they probably have a waiting list and I don’t want to unnecessarily take up their resources. I just feel like I don’t have time for a 30 minute call every 2 weeks (lol) as it happens during B’s nap, but it is useful and it does make me think differently about things.

#SheSaidSheThatCouldTellThatIWasDown

I was trying to hide it.

#ISaidIDoNotKnowWhyIBotherMakingProjectsAndThingsWithTheFreeTimeIHaveWhenICouldBeRelaxingInstead

I have said it before. I wish I could just relax and do nothing, but I’m stubborn about making work. I obviously need to do it as well.

#SheSaidItIsBecauseYouLoveIt

I was like ‘Do I though?’

#ILikeThisProjectFromTimeToTimeButItIsMoreThatIFeelIHaveToMakeIt

It is more just a project that I feel I am stuck making for now. I don’t know how long I will do it for. I thought maybe until B is one, but maybe it is a more long-term thing now that I just need to do once a week, so I have time for other things?

#WhenIDoAGoodShootIFeelGreatButWhenIDoNotIFeelPrettyDown

At the moment this shoot sits on the so-so pile. I might feel differently about it later.

Some weeks I have really not wanted to do this project, particularly when B was a bit younger.

In my ArtsQuest article (ooh get me quoting myself) I said ‘I decided to set up the blog not long after giving birth in June 2020 in a sleep-deprived haze of confidence. There are times that I have told myself off for giving myself extra work as my stubbornness means I will continue to write posts for probably at least a few more years to come whether anyone reads it or not.

I am glad that I did not quit it when there were times that I wanted to. I think this project will be interesting to look back on when B is older.

My favourite shoots are definitely those where I am imitating B, so I just need to make it more fun and playful.

#SoHerCommentGaveMeAKickToActuallyStartShootingForAProjectThatIHaveBeenThinkingAboutForAFewWeeks

Sometimes I have ideas that pass quickly, but this one was stuck in my head to the point where I knew I needed to do it. I had been doing some research for it, but I usually work best by shooting and seeing where it goes. It’s meant to be a fun project, which is self-portraiture and sticks within my interests.

#IDoNotKnowIfItWillEverSeeTheLightOfDayButIDefinitelyFeelBetterForHavingStartedIt

Starting a project is the hardest thing. Particularly now when my last few photography projects have generally been shoot, talk about it and post it, it’s weird doing work where it doesn’t feel like that might be the case. I may need to sit on it and see. It is another project though where I think I do just need to do keep shooting and accumulate mass to wade through.

Was that poetic? It seemed to be.

#ThisMorningTiagoGotBUpAt7AndHeWillLookAfterHerUntilHerNapAtAround10

He’s just gone off for a bike ride and I had 3 hours in the morning to do things. BEAUTIFUL. It’s 10.30am now and B should be asleep for another 45 minutes, so I’m really enjoying getting things done. In the morning I have a list of things that I want to do in my head and it’s a long time to wait until 7.30pm when I can usually get more things done.

#IDidMyDanceVideosFirstThingToGetThemDoneAsIFeelLikeTheyHangOverMeAtTheWeekend

Nothing like waking yourself up with dance videos. I did 5 today. I usually do 3/4, and one was 7 minutes long!

#TodayIReallyEnjoyedItButSomeWeeksItIsJustAnotherThingThatIFeelIHaveToDo

My support befriender person said I’m disciplined. I guess it’s true.

I’ve always said with the dance videos that the project is over when I don’t want to do it anymore. Some weeks it feels like more of a slog (having to move furniture and stuff is always fun), but other times I do get into it more. It’s meant to be an exercise in not caring and today I didn’t care and just enjoyed it.

#INeedToStopFeelingGuiltyForHavingSomeTimeToMyself

Oh, Mum guilt.

#IWorkPrettyQuicklyNowWithTheFreeTimeIHaveAndTiagoIsBsDadSoOfCourseHeShouldBeSpendingTimeWithHer

And he likes spending time with her. I do not faff so much anymore, particularly at this time of day when I know that I can not take the piss.

#IThinkIFeelBadAsTiagoIsWorkingAllWeekAndMakingMoneyWhereasIDoNotMakeMuch

He works so hard and I want him to have time to rest and relax. Well, I guess playing with your daughter is relaxing?

#IAmDoingSomeNonArtPaidWorkAtTheMomentWhichIJustDoInFifteenMinutesToTwoHoursIshSessions

At the moment the work comes when it comes, when it doesn’t come then I do my own work.

#IDoLookForOtherWorkWhereBWouldHaveToGoToNurseryButThereDoesNotSeemToBeMuchOutThere

It’s a weird time.

#ItWouldAlsoNeedToBeSomethingWhichLeavesMeWithEnoughAfterPayingNurseryFeesToSeemWorthIt

If I’m left with 5 quid afterwards then what’s the point? Some people might say yeah it’s 5 quid, but it seems like a lot of hassle. Hopefully something will come up at some point, but for now I should enjoy spending time with B as I’m sure a lot of people would just prefer to be at home with their kids. I know I am lucky.

Having time away from B this morning makes me look forward to playing with her when she wakes up. I don’t feel as excited if I’m with her all day every day you know? No offence B.

#MostOfTheMumsIKnowWithBabiesOfASimilarAgeAreEitherBackAtWorkOrGoingBackSoon #ItIsAnnoyingInTheSenseThatSoonWeWillBeAbleToHangOutWithOtherBabiesButTheyAllMightBeInNurseries

I just want to have a gaggle of friends who we meet up with in the summer and chill in the park with. She might have to make do with younger friends but that’s fine. A lot of the younger babies that we have met will be acknowledging other babies/not sleeping all the time by the time the better weather comes around.

#IGuessThereWillBeSomeAroundThoughWhoseParentsWorkPartTimeOrWhoAreInASimilarPosition

A lot of people seem to be cutting/condensing their hours to fewer days a week, so I guess there will be a day when people are free to play.

#IHaveSpokenToACoupleOfMumsThisWeekAtThePlaygroundWeGoTo

It always seems to come in phases – one week I talk to people and then I do not talk to anyone for a week.

#IRealiseNowThatEveryoneElseProbablyWantsToChatButTheyAreJustAsAwkwardAsMe

I think people do not know how to start a conversation (like me).

#MyCurrentMumPickupLineIsHowOldIsYourLittleOne

This seems to be a good one. I don’t offend someone by misgendering their child, and it’s something that doesn’t seem too intimidating. I usually direct it to people who have sat their kid in the swing next to us.

#WeSayWeWillSeeEachOtherAroundButWeHaveLivedHereForFourMonthsAndIDoNotThinkIHaveSeenThemBefore

One woman I think we might have seen once before, but the other one I really don’t think I have. We’ll see how long it takes to bump into them again.

#WorkingOnANewProjectAndTalkingToPeopleMakesMeFeelHappierSoINeedToKeepOnDoingWhatIAmDoing

Last time I spoke to more people I was feeling really down due to ‘am I pregnant/am I not?’ issues and other people made the effort, but now I am feeling better I am the one reaching out. I guess things go in waves, but I want to keep getting mentally and physically stronger.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating How B Puts Her Arms Up When I Pick Her Up (2nd March 2021)

Me with my arms in the air.
Imitating How B Puts Her Arms Up When I Pick Her Up (2nd March 2021)
 
#IHaveCalledTheShootFolderPutYourArmsInTheAirLikeYouAreBAndYouDoNotCare
#BeforeWhenIPickedHerUpSheWouldJustNotMoveHerArmsAndSoItWasEasyToLiftAndCarryHer
#NowAfterYouPickHerUpSheWillJustThrowHerArmsUpStraightIntoTheAirAndAsSheIsGettingHeavierItCanBeQuiteAStruggle
#HerSkinIsABitBetterButIThinkItWillTakeSomeTimeToGoAwayCompletely
#IAmABitBoredOfApplyingCreamsAndThingsButObviouslyItIsForTheBest
#AfterMyLastShootIWentToAnOnlineZoomMeetingForLocalMumsWhileBWasAsleep
#ItWasJustSoSuperAwkwardAsIDidNotRealiseIWasOnMuteAtFirstAndThenIDidNotGetToTalkOrSoItFelt
#ItMadeMeRememberWhyIHadNotBeenToOneForTwoMonthsOrSoAndIHadACryAfterwards
#AfterBWasUpIBlewMyNoseAndThenSheWasCryingAsItHadScaredHer
#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainAndPostingABlogEntryTheOtherDayMadeMeRealiseThatMyLastBadPatchWasNotThatLongAgo
#INeedToStartLookingAfterMyselfBetterSoThatICanBeABetterMumForB
#IWantToGetMentallyStrongAsWellAsPhysicallyStrong
#InTheLastWeekIHaveStartedToTryToDoPushups
#IThoughtMyArmsShouldBeGettingStrongerWithAllThisBabyCarryingButIRealisedHowWeakTheyAreStill
#DoYouEverGetThatFeelingOfThereIsSoMuchThatYouWantToDoButYouDoNotKnowWhereToStartSoInsteadOfDoingSomethingYouDoNothing
#IFeltABitLikeThatTheOtherDayAndISpentALotOfMyFreeTimeAtTheWeekendJustWatchingTaskmaster
#IThinkIAmJustABitScaredOfFailureSlashWastingMyTimeSoIWouldRatherRelax
#WeHadOurSecondDateNightTheOtherNightWhichWasUsJustWatchingTheFilmStanAndOllie
#SoOurDateNightIsBasicallyUsJustWatchingTVTogether
#OnceBGoesToSleepIAmUsuallyOffDoingWorkOrProcrastinatingOrTryingToRead
#IAmABitFrustratedByAllThePeopleActingLikeLockdownIsOver
#SuddenlyThereAreLargeGroupsSatInTheParkHavingPicnicsAndDrinking
#IGetItIKnowThatPeopleAreFedUpAndWhatever
#IAmJustBitterAsIWouldNotEnjoyMyselfIfIDidTheSame
#AndIAmWorriedThatByTheTimeBabyClassesAreDueToReopenTheyWillNotBeAllowedToAsInfectionRatesMightGetWorseAgain
#BSeemsToBeTeethingALotAgain
#SheHasBeenTeasingUsWithThisOnOffTeethingBusinessForAWhileButMaybeAToothWillSoonAppear
#EveryDayILoveHerABitMore
#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAndJustBeMorePresentWhenIAmWithHer
#IAlsoNeedToTalkToHerMoreButIFindItDifficultAsTheDaysAreSoLongAndRepetitiveAndIGetTired

#IHaveCalledTheShootFolderPutYourArmsInTheAirLikeYouAreBAndYouDoNotCare

I am so funny.

#BeforeWhenIPickedHerUpSheWouldJustNotMoveHerArmsAndSoItWasEasyToLiftAndCarryHer

Hands under the arms. Great.

#NowAfterYouPickHerUpSheWillJustThrowHerArmsUpStraightIntoTheAirAndAsSheIsGettingHeavierItCanBeQuiteAStruggle

Sometimes I worry that she will just slip out of my hands.

#HerSkinIsABitBetterButIThinkItWillTakeSomeTimeToGoAwayCompletely #IAmABitBoredOfApplyingCreamsAndThingsButObviouslyItIsForTheBest

Her chest seems a little worse in places. I am thinking it is heat rash as she does sleep on her tummy a lot. I’ve been experimenting with making her room cooler at bedtime this last week. It seems to have been going okay.

#AfterMyLastShootIWentToAnOnlineZoomMeetingForLocalMumsWhileBWasAsleep

I usually do work/have me time when B is asleep and these zoom chats are always when B is napping. However I felt in the mood to talk to people

#ItWasJustSoSuperAwkwardAsIDidNotRealiseIWasOnMuteAtFirstAndThenIDidNotGetToTalkOrSoItFelt

I am cringeing now. I thought they were ignoring me, but then I realised that I had muted my computer via the button on my keyboard. Later on I tried to talk but someone else also spoke at the same time, so I just let them carry on. Then I asked a question to one of the women, but at that moment she went on mute and it was just super awkward.

#ItMadeMeRememberWhyIHadNotBeenToOneForTwoMonthsOrSoAndIHadACryAfterwards

I was crying quite a lot. I think it was partly because of the call, but also just crying to get other things off of my chest.

#AfterBWasUpIBlewMyNoseAndThenSheWasCryingAsItHadScaredHer

I was still crying, so I had to blow my nose. Then she started to cry, which made me cry more as I felt terrible. I do not like crying in front of her. It was a bad day.

#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainAndPostingABlogEntryTheOtherDayMadeMeRealiseThatMyLastBadPatchWasNotThatLongAgo

This entry.

I said:

#OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow

I think they’re more frequent occurrences than ‘once in a while’ to be fair.’

Reading that while feeling in a similar patch made me realise that it is more common. I had thought about quitting my fortnightly mental health call, but I think I need it for now.

#INeedToStartLookingAfterMyselfBetterSoThatICanBeABetterMumForB

I wrote about this a lot the other night in my diary.

#IWantToGetMentallyStrongAsWellAsPhysicallyStrong

I’m bored of sounding like such a negative whiney person. I think I write this at least once a month.

A big part of it is also feeling like I’m only as good as my last shoot and I haven’t liked my last couple of shoots. I hope today’s shoot goes better.

#InTheLastWeekIHaveStartedToTryToDoPushups #IThoughtMyArmsShouldBeGettingStrongerWithAllThisBabyCarryingButIRealisedHowWeakTheyAreStill

I’ve done 30 days of yoga a few times now and I still can not do chaturanga to upward facing dog without touching the floor between them. So with more pushups I hope to be able to achieve this (I can do it sometimes, but I want to be able to do it all the time).

#DoYouEverGetThatFeelingOfThereIsSoMuchThatYouWantToDoButYouDoNotKnowWhereToStartSoInsteadOfDoingSomethingYouDoNothing #IFeltABitLikeThatTheOtherDayAndISpentALotOfMyFreeTimeAtTheWeekendJustWatchingTaskmaster #IThinkIAmJustABitScaredOfFailureSlashWastingMyTimeSoIWouldRatherRelax

I was tired. I need to not be so hard on myself and let myself relax a bit. Previously I would have just jumped into doing something. Now I am trying to think about it more first before I do it, though I think I am at the point where I just need to try something.

It’s difficult not having a good space to work in, like when I was using what is now B’s room. Our bedroom is okay, but it’s not the most ideal. I miss a blank wall. I’m going to order a backdrop or paper or something.

#WeHadOurSecondDateNightTheOtherNightWhichWasUsJustWatchingTheFilmStanAndOllie

We had planned to watch this last week, but instead we watched 3 episodes of tv.

Amy Poehler told a joke at the Golden Globes the other night that summed it up nicely:  ‘Now, TV is the one that I watch five hours straight, but a movie is the one that I don’t turn on because it’s two hours. I don’t want to be in front of my TV for two hours, I want to be in front of the TV for one hour five times.’

#SoOurDateNightIsBasicallyUsJustWatchingTVTogether

So most couple’s normal nights? We don’t watch TV together in the evenings after B is asleep usually.

#OnceBGoesToSleepIAmUsuallyOffDoingWorkOrProcrastinatingOrTryingToRead

I rarely sit in the living room while B is asleep. I’m usually sat in our room. I’ve started 3 books lately, but I need to actually finish one.

Library e-books are a better way for me to read as I usually have 14 days to read them before it’s time to return it for someone else in the queue. If I own it then I do not do such a good job of finishing it.

A book that I am aiming to finish is The Five by Hallie Rubenhold.

Last night I should have just got into bed early and read it, but when I’m tired I procrastinate more than usual and I wasted a lot of time doing nothing.

#IAmABitFrustratedByAllThePeopleActingLikeLockdownIsOver #SuddenlyThereAreLargeGroupsSatInTheParkHavingPicnicsAndDrinking

Hi, it’s me Jocelyn the pandemic police lady again.

#IGetItIKnowThatPeopleAreFedUpAndWhatever

I am also a member of the not very exclusive ‘I’m fed up’ club.

#IAmJustBitterAsIWouldNotEnjoyMyselfIfIDidTheSame

I would feel guilty for openly flouting the rules and I also can not be carefree in the park anymore as I have a baby.

#AndIAmWorriedThatByTheTimeBabyClassesAreDueToReopenTheyWillNotBeAllowedToAsInfectionRatesMightGetWorseAgain

If you all want to get Covid then fine, but just let me leave the house for a baby class or playgroup. Pleaseeee.

#BSeemsToBeTeethingALotAgain #SheHasBeenTeasingUsWithThisOnOffTeethingBusinessForAWhileButMaybeAToothWillSoonAppear

She has been teasing us since before we moved to Birmingham and we have lived here for 4 months now.

#EveryDayILoveHerABitMore

Cheesy but true. I look at her many times during the day and think ‘whoa I grew this little human inside me’.

#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAndJustBeMorePresentWhenIAmWithHer #IAlsoNeedToTalkToHerMoreButIFindItDifficultAsTheDaysAreSoLongAndRepetitiveAndIGetTired

Maybe these hashtags should be swapped around? Oh well.

I do need to talk to her more. I think I spend a lot of the day in silence/watching more kids TV than she does. I just can not talk all day, especially when the person I am talking to can not really talk back. She has more talkative phases though and I just need to do that thing where you copy then say some words afterwards.

I need to get over things. I wanted a baby. I am so happy that we have B. We are lucky as we have my Nan, and we see my Mum a few times a week. It is just so tiring, but I do still want another one at some point. I’d rather just get on with things as there will never be a good time to have another child now.

(26th March: B throwing her arms up in the air after I picked her up seemed to be a 2 day phase. She hasn’t done it since then.)


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B Looking At Her Hand (25th February 2021)

Imitating B Looking At Her Hand (25th February 2021)
 
#BStartedToStareAtHerHandsAboutAWeekAgo
#SheHasChangedALotInTheLastFewWeeksAndIGuessSheIsJustALotMoreCuriousAboutThings
#OfCourseSheAlwaysWantsToPlayWithThingsThatAreNotToysOrSheManagesToFindTheToysThatIHaveHiddenAway
#LikeTheTrainWithBlocksThatIDoNotLikeHerToPlayWithIfIAmKeepingAnEyeOnHerFromTheKitchenWhileISortOutHerFood
#ItHasSomeTallColumnsOnItThatIKnowIfSheWouldFellOntoItSheWouldNotBePleased
#HerSkinIsSlowlyGettingBetter
#ItStillDoesNotLookNiceButItHasDefinitelyImprovedALittleBit
#IndoorSwimmingPoolsAreAllowedToReopenFrom12thAprilSoHopefullyByThenItWillHaveCompletelyHealed
#WeWillNeedToBuyHerNewSwimmingStuffAsSheHasProbablyAlreadyOutgrownTheStuffThatSheWentSwimmingInOnce
#AlsoAroundTheTimeIndoorBabyClassesAreDueToResume
#OnThe29thMarchWeWillBeAbleToMeetUpWithMorePeopleOutsideOrInPrivateGardens
#SoItIs4AndAHalfWeeksUntilThenAndNearly7UntilIndoorBabyClassesAndSwimming
#InSomeWaysItFeelsAlmostHarderHavingThingsToCountdownToButIGuessItWillBeBetterWhenThereAreLessWeeksToGo
#HopefullyThingsDoNotGetWorseAgain
#TheOtherNightBWasAwakeFrom11To1AndWeJustCouldNotFigureOutWhatWasWrong
#ThereIsMeantToBeAn8MonthSleepRegressionAndIThinkSheDoesGetAnnoyedIfSheDoesNotHaveEnoughCrawlingTime
#YesterdayIShuffledThingsAboutAndItTookBHalfAnHourToFallAsleepForHerNapBecauseSheProbablyDidNotCrawlEnough
#SheHasSleptBetterTheLastTwoNightsThough
#IAmWorriedThatTheHouseIsTooHotForHerAndItHasBeenFairlyMildAtNight
#LastNightIWokeUpAtFourThirtyAsIWasTooHotAndIThoughtITurnedOffHerHeater
#IWentInAtSevenAndItWasStillOnButSheDidNotSeemToMind
#IThinkSheLikesTheHeatButIDoNotWantHerSkinToGetWorse
#TheOtherDayWeWentToThePlaygroundButBCouldNotGoOnTheBabySwingsAs3AdultsWereJustBlockingThem
#OneBabyWasJustAsleepInASwingAndAnotherKidWasSometimesInTheSwingAndSometimesNot
#ItWouldHaveBeenReallyAwkwardForUsToUseTheOtherSwingAndThereWasNoOneElseThereSoItMustHaveBeenObviousThatWeWereWaiting
#ItJustUpsetsMeAsILikeToThinkIAmConsiderateOfOthersInThePlaygroundButALotOfPeopleDoNotSeemToCare
#HoweverWeWentYesterdayAndWhenWeWereLeavingTwoPeopleRushedToOpenTheGateForUsSoThatMadeMeFeelBetterAboutIt
#IHaveFinallyBookedToGoToTheDentist
#ICanNotRememberTheLastTimeIWentAndMyMaternityExemptionButRunOutSoon
#MyTeethAreSoHorribleSoINeedToMakeThemLookABitBetterBeforeMyAppointment

#BStartedToStareAtHerHandsAboutAWeekAgo

It’s really cute.

I’ll do the shoot in a bit and it’ll probably look similar to pictures I took in 2012 of me just looking at my hands when I got a repetitive strain injury.

(22nd June 2021:

Sore Knuckles (16th June 2012)

Darn my 2012 one is better, though I’m not so sure on the dress which I think I only ever wore out for Halloween (I used to have a few black dresses that I was a witch in).

This time I got a bit caught up with trying to make my hand look look a bit odd – like it’s a random hand – but don’t think it worked.)

#SheHasChangedALotInTheLastFewWeeksAndIGuessSheIsJustALotMoreCuriousAboutThings

It’s funny how babies can suddenly start doing lots more things.

#OfCourseSheAlwaysWantsToPlayWithThingsThatAreNotToysOrSheManagesToFindTheToysThatIHaveHiddenAway

The main examples that I can think of right now being the labels on all of her toys/clothes, playing with tea towels, just being obsessed with her flannel in her bath last night instead of her bath toys…

#LikeTheTrainWithBlocksThatIDoNotLikeHerToPlayWithIfIAmKeepingAnEyeOnHerFromTheKitchenWhileISortOutHerFood #ItHasSomeTallColumnsOnItThatIKnowIfSheWouldFellOntoItSheWouldNotBePleased

I can just one of those going straight into her eye. No thanks.

I hide it behind her toy bag and she is always back there. Her play area is a sea of cushions to try to stop her from hurting herself…

#HerSkinIsSlowlyGettingBetter

Some bits are lots better.

#ItStillDoesNotLookNiceButItHasDefinitelyImprovedALittleBit

Her shoulders are still not great, but I think it’s because a lot of the old skin is coming off.

In the morning we put her steroid cream on, then 20 minutes later we put on a different cream, then 30ish mins later we put another cream on. Then I’m putting a cream on every hour or so during the day.

#IndoorSwimmingPoolsAreAllowedToReopenFrom12thAprilSoHopefullyByThenItWillHaveCompletelyHealed

I was kind of hoping it wouldn’t be sooner as I think her skin needs to be lots better before she goes in a pool again. Mid-April is a good time to aim for.

T’s workmate said her son’s eczema took 6 weeks to clear up, so that works.

#WeWillNeedToBuyHerNewSwimmingStuffAsSheHasProbablyAlreadyOutgrownTheStuffThatSheWentSwimmingInOnce

Great.

#AlsoAroundTheTimeIndoorBabyClassesAreDueToResume

Hurrahhhh. Outdoor classes are allowed to resume before then, though I thought that they counted as support groups and were allowed to go on anyways? Well, I guess there aren’t many outdoor baby groups at this time of year. Might have a look though…

#OnThe29thMarchWeWillBeAbleToMeetUpWithMorePeopleOutsideOrInPrivateGardens

My younger sister lives not too far away so it’ll be nice for her to be able to come round again or to go to hers.

We see her for walks, but she doesn’t really get to see the real B. She sees a baby who is annoyed at being in a pushchair, so it will be nice for her to see B being more herself. We might get some fake grass for B to crawl around on in the garden.

#SoItIs4AndAHalfWeeksUntilThenAndNearly7UntilIndoorBabyClassesAndSwimming

I hope that people keep following the rules and infection rates don’t go up again…

#InSomeWaysItFeelsAlmostHarderHavingThingsToCountdownToButIGuessItWillBeBetterWhenThereAreLessWeeksToGo

Well, the whole ‘one day at a time’ approach gets weary with nothing to look forward to. Things are still far off but time does go by quickly.

#HopefullyThingsDoNotGetWorseAgain

Fingers crossed.

#TheOtherNightBWasAwakeFrom11To1AndWeJustCouldNotFigureOutWhatWasWrong

We didn’t help things by going in and changing her nappy when it didn’t need to be, then putting cream on, then giving her paracetamol. At one point I had to cuddle B as I felt so bad for her. Yeah, she was probably confused by us sometimes picking her up and sometimes not.

Her skin was still bad then though and she was teething.

Annoyingly there was a talk I wanted to go to last night at midnight. If B hadn’t been sleeping last night it would have been alright, but she slept last night and so I did too-ish.

#ThereIsMeantToBeAn8MonthSleepRegressionAndIThinkSheDoesGetAnnoyedIfSheDoesNotHaveEnoughCrawlingTime #YesterdayIShuffledThingsAboutAndItTookBHalfAnHourToFallAsleepForHerNapBecauseSheProbablyDidNotCrawlEnough

Sometimes I move our walk if we have a call with someone when we usually walk. This is usually always a mistake as then B does not get to crawl much and then takes ages to fall asleep, but I need my walk. I need to just let her have an extra 5/10 mins to crawl once we get home.

#SheHasSleptBetterTheLastTwoNightsThough

Hurrah.

#IAmWorriedThatTheHouseIsTooHotForHerAndItHasBeenFairlyMildAtNight #LastNightIWokeUpAtFourThirtyAsIWasTooHotAndIThoughtITurnedOffHerHeater

I had changed her heater to come on a lot less often and for less time, but obviously I messed it up. I also realised that the night before her heater had been on for an hour and a half at point one instead of half an hour…

#IWentInAtSevenAndItWasStillOnButSheDidNotSeemToMind

Note to self, just turn the on commands off, but keep the off commands on so that it covers mishaps.

#IThinkSheLikesTheHeatButIDoNotWantHerSkinToGetWorse

It’s hard trying to figure out what is best for her.

#TheOtherDayWeWentToThePlaygroundButBCouldNotGoOnTheBabySwingsAs3AdultsWereJustBlockingThem #OneBabyWasJustAsleepInASwingAndAnotherKidWasSometimesInTheSwingAndSometimesNot #ItWouldHaveBeenReallyAwkwardForUsToUseTheOtherSwingAndThereWasNoOneElseThereSoItMustHaveBeenObviousThatWeWereWaiting

Has my blog/project become a place for me to b*tch about other parents and B not getting to go on swings? Yes.

I thought about saying something but they had really blocked the swings and I do worry that they might just tell me to p*ss off.

You’re not supposed to hang out with more than one other adult outside (I think?) so I think they were just using it as a way to chat. I always sound like the pandemic police, but I just want B to go on the swing. I don’t want to awkwardly stand around for 15 minutes for no reason.

Yesterday the swings were in use but we went in and within 2 minutes a swing was free. Great.

#ItJustUpsetsMeAsILikeToThinkIAmConsiderateOfOthersInThePlaygroundButALotOfPeopleDoNotSeemToCare

Going to the swings is our daily bit of freedom. B probably doesn’t even care, but obviously I am very passionate about making sure she gets a fair turn on the swings.

#HoweverWeWentYesterdayAndWhenWeWereLeavingTwoPeopleRushedToOpenTheGateForUsSoThatMadeMeFeelBetterAboutIt

Hurrah for better weather and good people.

#IHaveFinallyBookedToGoToTheDentist #ICanNotRememberTheLastTimeIWentAndMyMaternityExemptionButRunOutSoon #MyTeethAreSoHorribleSoINeedToMakeThemLookABitBetterBeforeMyAppointment

I loved our dentist in London. If I had any problems they could usually fit me in that day or the next week. In Liverpool the dentist was terrible and you had to wait weeks to be seen, then obviously the pandemic started. I feel like my teeth need to be looked at and I might as well go while it costs me nothing.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

A Sunday Visit To The Doctors (21st February 2021)

A Sunday Visit To The Doctors (21st February 2021)
 
#BsSkinHasBeenGettingWorse
#IDebatedCallingTheDoctorsYesterdayButItSeemedToBeGettingBetter
#IWasAlsoABitPutOffAsALocalMumSaidTheirDoctorWouldNotSeeTheirBabyAndHadToldThemToGetSomeOverTheCounterCream
#IHadSwitchedFromUsingTheCreamThatTheDoctorPrescribedToADifferentOneWhichSeemedToBeBetter
#ButIThoughtIShouldTryTheDoctorsOneAgainYesterdayAndIThinkThatMadeItWorse
#LastNightAsIPutHerToBedIRealisedHowHorribleItLookedAndThatIShouldHaveCalledEarlierInTheDay
#SheHadAlsoStartedToItchHerSkinWhichSheHadNotDoneBefore
#TodayIsSundayButThereWasSomewhereOpenSoICalledAsSoonAsTheyOpened
#ADoctorCalledUsBackQuiteQuicklyAndSaidToBringHerInInAFewHours
#IWasRelievedThatHeSaidATimeWhereItWouldUsuallyBeHerPlaytime
#IHadGotHerUpAt6TodayAsSheWasMakingNoisesAndIThoughtItMightBeThatHerSkinHadDriedOut
#DuringTheDayWePutACreamOnAtLeastEvery2HoursButObviouslyAtNightWeCanNotDoThat
#SoBHadAnEarlyBreakfastAndSoSheHadLunchALittleEarlierThanUsualButSheAteMoreOfIt
#ThenWeWentOffToTheDoctors
#IWasReallyWorriedAsHerSkinIsReallyBadOnHerShouldersAndThenFairlyBadInPatchesOnHerChest
#IFeltEmbarrassedThatTheyWouldSeriouslyJudgeMeForItWhichToBeFairIDoDeserveAsIShouldNotHaveLetItGetThisBad
#AnywaysIHadToCallReceptionToSayWeWereInTheCarParkThenTheDoctorCalledToSayHeWasComingOutToFindUs
#WeWentThroughAMazeOfABuildingAndBJustStartedToCryAtHimOnceWeGotInTheRoom
#IFeltReallyBadAndHerTearsSoakedTheProtectivePaperThatTheyPutOverTheBed
#AfterAWhileSheCalmedDownThoughAndTheDoctorTookOneLookAtHerSkinAndSaidEczema
#HeSaidHeWouldGiveUsSomeHydrocortisoneAndSomeOtherLotionToUseInsteadOfTheOneTheOtherDoctorPrescribedAndToKeepUsingTheOneThatWeWereNotPrescribed
#TheAppointmentWasQuickButThenHeSpentAgesTryingToFindAPharmacyThatWasOpenForUs
#SheHasAlsoHadLittleBumpsLatelyWhichIThinkAreHeatRashSoTonightHerRoomIsCoolerAndWeHaveChangedHerSleepingBag
#WeGaveHerABathAndIHadToHoldHerHandsAndSingSongsToHerWhileWeGotHerDressedSoThatSheWouldNotScratchHerSkinOff
#HopefullyTodayIsTheWorstDayAndItCanOnlyGetBetterFromHere
#IWasWorriedAboutHerHavingASteroidCreamButTheDoctorSaidItIsALowPercentageAndSoItWillNotThinHerSkin
#NowIReallyWishIHadJustGotHerSomeOfItSooner
#LastNightWeHadADateNightAfterMyMentalHealthPhonePersonSaidWeShould
#IHadBeenThinkingThatWeShouldTryToDoSomethingEveryNightButOnceAWeekIsWayMoreFeasible
#DateNightBasicallyConsistedOfUsWorryingAboutBsSkinWhileWatching3EpisodesOfTheRanganation

This photo just reminds me of my Amalgamated Anomalies project, when I was desparately trying to take images that I had not done before and was just doing anything and everything. AA is probably my favourite project though.

Look at that leg hair. Swimming pools have been closed for a long time and I can’t be arsed. The other day I noticed that it was moving in the bath like plants at the bottom of a river or something.

#BsSkinHasBeenGettingWorse

I was going to mention it in my last post, but I ran out of space and knew I would probably be talking about it more soon anyways.

Here we are…

#IDebatedCallingTheDoctorsYesterdayButItSeemedToBeGettingBetter

Every time I think I should call it looks a bit better.

#IWasAlsoABitPutOffAsALocalMumSaidTheirDoctorWouldNotSeeTheirBabyAndHadToldThemToGetSomeOverTheCounterCream

So I thought maybe I was just wasting their time and be dismissed.

#IHadSwitchedFromUsingTheCreamThatTheDoctorPrescribedToADifferentOneWhichSeemedToBeBetter

This other one just seemed a lot better at hydrating the skin and a friend had said it was the only cream that worked for her baby. (Not blaming her – just stating, and it did seem to make it better for a time.)

#ButIThoughtIShouldTryTheDoctorsOneAgainYesterdayAndIThinkThatMadeItWorse

Arghh. Why did I do that?

I also had started to give her a bit of clementine yesterday and the day before, which I worried might be affecting it. And also she had a cannellini bean dip yesterday where I thought perhaps the lemon was too old?

It could be that anything and everything contributing to it basically.

#LastNightAsIPutHerToBedIRealisedHowHorribleItLookedAndThatIShouldHaveCalledEarlierInTheDay

I cried. Tiago said he knew that I’d cry when I saw it. B wasn’t crying though and she hasn’t seemed any different really.

#SheHadAlsoStartedToItchHerSkinWhichSheHadNotDoneBefore

Apart from the itching. She’s the same but with some itching.

She only seems to do it once I go to put cream on her as well. Classic.

#TodayIsSundayButThereWasSomewhereOpenSoICalledAsSoonAsTheyOpened

I thought other people might still be asleep, but I was 5th in the queue. I guess sick people don’t sleep well…

#ADoctorCalledUsBackQuiteQuicklyAndSaidToBringHerInInAFewHours

I did want her to be seen in person as I thought it looks worse than they can probably imagine on the phone, so that was good.

#IWasRelievedThatHeSaidATimeWhereItWouldUsuallyBeHerPlaytime

I was a bit stressed as she was about to have breakfast then have a 2 hour nap after. And she did nap for the 2 hours as well.

#IHadGotHerUpAt6TodayAsSheWasMakingNoisesAndIThoughtItMightBeThatHerSkinHadDriedOut

I kept waking up in the night worrying that she’d wake up as her skin was so dry and itchy.

#DuringTheDayWePutACreamOnAtLeastEvery2HoursButObviouslyAtNightWeCanNotDoThat

She kept waking up the other night before we started to put cream on more regularly and I wonder if it was due to her skin… Who knows?

#SoBHadAnEarlyBreakfastAndSoSheHadLunchALittleEarlierThanUsualButSheAteMoreOfIt

Boring but hurrah. Tiago made her an omelette for the first time and she seemed to like it.

(NHS recipe. He fried it as our oven is currently broken and didn’t put potato in as we didn’t have one.)

#ThenWeWentOffToTheDoctors

Hurrah.

#IWasReallyWorriedAsHerSkinIsReallyBadOnHerShouldersAndThenFairlyBadInPatchesOnHerChest

I’m so sorry B. I hope by the time I post this that things have improved.

(18th March: It gets better then it gets worse. I think it is just something that we need to monitor for the long term. We’ve since got a new ointment and some bath stuff after I felt like I should call the doctors again.)

#IFeltEmbarrassedThatTheyWouldSeriouslyJudgeMeForItWhichToBeFairIDoDeserveAsIShouldNotHaveLetItGetThisBad

I totally deserve it.

#AnywaysIHadToCallReceptionToSayWeWereInTheCarParkThenTheDoctorCalledToSayHeWasComingOutToFindUs

Love Covid times.

#WeWentThroughAMazeOfABuildingAndBJustStartedToCryAtHimOnceWeGotInTheRoom

We being B and I. Tiago stayed in the car (I guessed it was probably one parent only and I knew we wouldn’t be too long.)

#IFeltReallyBadAndHerTearsSoakedTheProtectivePaperThatTheyPutOverTheBed

The guy had a long beard and he made a joke about it. I said that my Dad has a big beard and B cried when she last saw him too. He was super friendly.

#AfterAWhileSheCalmedDownThoughAndTheDoctorTookOneLookAtHerSkinAndSaidEczema

He looked a bit more than that but he said it pretty quickly. He did not look too shocked by her skin so I am guessing he has seen worse. He’s a doctor – I’m sure he has.

#HeSaidHeWouldGiveUsSomeHydrocortisoneAndSomeOtherLotionToUseInsteadOfTheOneTheOtherDoctorPrescribedAndToKeepUsingTheOneThatWeWereNotPrescribed

All the creams/lotions/ointments. Well one of each really.

#TheAppointmentWasQuickButThenHeSpentAgesTryingToFindAPharmacyThatWasOpenForUs

I casually asked thinking he would know. He looked round the whole map, but luckily in the end there was one not too far from us that we could go to.

I loved the big bag, which is why I will do a shoot with it after. I am hoping one day that it may hold some nostalgia. It’s a very classic design.

(Thanks to the NHS for their help as always.)

I’d photograph her skin for the project, but it seems too much and I do not want the judgement for how bad it looks.

#SheHasAlsoHadLittleBumpsLatelyWhichIThinkAreHeatRashSoTonightHerRoomIsCoolerAndWeHaveChangedHerSleepingBag

My Mum said she thought they looked like heat rash. I am starting to think it more and more. The Doctor’s office was hot and they looked stronger in there. I think I need to order a lighter sleeping bag though.

(18th March: It’s been getting warmer and they seem to be back. Ergh.)

#WeGaveHerABathAndIHadToHoldHerHandsAndSingSongsToHerWhileWeGotHerDressedSoThatSheWouldNotScratchHerSkinOff

Hello distractions and containment(?). We only bath her twice a week, which I thought might stop her skin getting so dry. Nope. We limit her bath to 10-20 minutes now.

Everyone is waiting for tomorrow’s announcement from the Government. I hope swimming pools reopen soon, but at this rate I will not be taking B anytime soon. Her skin needs to heal first.

I am really hoping that baby classes and playgroups will reopen, but we will have to see.

#HopefullyTodayIsTheWorstDayAndItCanOnlyGetBetterFromHere

Hopefully her skin will never be worse than this.

#IWasWorriedAboutHerHavingASteroidCreamButTheDoctorSaidItIsALowPercentageAndSoItWillNotThinHerSkin #NowIReallyWishIHadJustGotHerSomeOfItSooner

Stupid me. I hope this post might help someone who has been put off not wanting to use a stronger cream.

In other news…

#LastNightWeHadADateNightAfterMyMentalHealthPhonePersonSaidWeShould

She just knows I’m stressed out all the time and need to chill more.

#IHadBeenThinkingThatWeShouldTryToDoSomethingEveryNightButOnceAWeekIsWayMoreFeasible

Yes, I had been saying we should get into bed for 9pm. Nah, that never works.

It’s nearly 8.10pm. I said I was going to do my next post tomorrow but I was in the mood to do it tonight, so here I am. I need to do the shoot after this.

#DateNightBasicallyConsistedOfUsWorryingAboutBsSkinWhileWatching3EpisodesOfTheRanganation

We were going to watch a film, but after we spent ages talking about B’s skin a 90 minute film seemed like too much of a commitment. So we watched 90 minutes of TV instead.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating How B Used To Drink From Her Cup (19th February 2021)

Me holding a purple baby's cup up to my mouth, but it's completely upside down as that's how my daughter drinks from it.
Imitating How B Used To Drink From Her Cup (19th February 2021)
 
#BUsedToDrinkFromTheTopOfHerCupUntilIGuessHerArmsWereStrongEnoughToHoldItUpHigherAndDrinkFromTheBottom
#ItIsOneOfThoseCupsWhereYouCanDrinkFromAllSidesAndIfTheCupWasFullEnoughThenItWorkedForHer
#IAmWritingThisAfterBHasGoneToBedInTheEveningWhichIsUnusualAsIUsuallyWriteInTheMorning
#ThisWeekHasBeenAQuietWorkWeekSoIHaveBeenTryingToRestButThingsWillPickUpAgainNextWeek
#SoIfIWriteThisNowItMeansIHopefullyWillHaveEnoughToWriteAboutInAFewDaysTimeAndThenICanBalanceThingsWell
#IWasGoingToTryAnotherGroupWalkTodayButTheWeatherWasRubbishAndIEndedUpHavingToSortSomeThingsOut
#BUsuallyGoesDownForNapsQuiteWellButAfter30MinutesSheWasStillAwake
#IThinkSheWasOvertiredSoTheWalkWouldHaveBeenGoodForGettingHerToSleepButOhWell
#ThisMorningIWasMakingABatchOfPorridgeForBAndIAccidentallyPutCayennePepperInInsteadOfCinnamon
#IManagedToGetSomeOutAndThenNearlyPutMoreInAgain
#IUsedToMeasureItOutInASpoonButNowIJustChuckItInAndThenINoticedTheColour
#SoINeedToBeMoreCarefulAndPutItInAfterTheButternutSquashHasCookedSoThatICanJustRinseItOffInFuture
#ITriedItAndICouldNotTasteItAsItIsAMassiveBatchSoHopefullyItWillBeOkayTomorrow
#BIsDefinitelyShowingMorePersonalityLately
#ILikeToPlayPeekabooWithHerAroundDoorFramesAndTodaySheWentOohAndThenArghWhenIAppeared
#ItMadeHerSeemSoMuchOlderThanSheIsAndSheWouldLaughAfterwardsWhichThenMadeMeLaugh
#TiagoWentOutAndISaidToNotScareHerLikeHeDidLastTimeWhenHeOpenedTheDoor
#ThisTimeHeMadeBothOfUsJumpThoughHeSaidHeThoughtHeHadOpenedTheDoorGentlyButAtLeastBDidNotCryForAsLongThisTime
#ThePlaygroundThatITakeBToHasACapacityLimit
#TodayThereWereWayTooManyPeopleInThereSoWeStoodOutsideWaiting
#AGroupOfAdultsWereJustStoodInTheMiddleChattingAndIThoughtTheyWouldGetTheHintAfterAWhile
#PeopleWouldJustGoStraightPastUsAsPerUsualAndGoToWalkIntoThePlayground
#SoIThoughtIWouldActuallyTellPeopleItHadReachedCapacityForOnceAsIfTheyGoInThenItIsEvenMoreSoOverCapacitySoWhyAmIWaiting
#TheCoupleOfPeopleThatIToldWereProbablyJustPissedOffWithMeButTheyJustLeftAfterAMinuteToGoElsewhere
#ThenAnotherWomanEitherDidNotHearMeOrJustIgnoredMeAndThenThreeOtherKidsRanIn
#SoWeDidALapAndThenThereWereEvenMorePeopleInThereSoNoPlaygroundForBToday
#MaybeNoOneCaresAndMaybeIJustRuinedKidsPlaytimesTodayButTheSignIsThereForAReasonRight
#IWouldHaveSaidSomethingToThePeopleStoodInTheMiddleJustChattingButISeeOneOfTheGuysAroundALotSoIDoNotWantToCauseDrama
#SoIWasFeelingGrumpyOnTheWayHomeButThenISpokeToAWomanWithADogWhoWeSeeAroundALotSoIFeltABitBetter
#AndThenAWomanMadeDuckSoundsWhileIShowedBSomeDucksSoThatMadeMeSmileToo

#BUsedToDrinkFromTheTopOfHerCupUntilIGuessHerArmsWereStrongEnoughToHoldItUpHigherAndDrinkFromTheBottom

I meant to do a shoot of this while she was actually doing it but I did not get round to it and she stopped doing it sooner than I thought she would.

#ItIsOneOfThoseCupsWhereYouCanDrinkFromAllSidesAndIfTheCupWasFullEnoughThenItWorkedForHer

She was using a different cup, but she seemed to not be able to control how much she got from that one that much.

She creates a pond when she drinks from this still, but long story short it seems better.

#IAmWritingThisAfterBHasGoneToBedInTheEveningWhichIsUnusualAsIUsuallyWriteInTheMorning

I need to do the shoot after this too.

#ThisWeekHasBeenAQuietWorkWeekSoIHaveBeenTryingToRestButThingsWillPickUpAgainNextWeek

I did not know it was going to be a quiet week so I was on edge a bit, but then I realised I just needed to make the most of it as I was tired.

Typically it would have been a good week to do my funding application, but oh well. The deadline has passed now and I only started to come up with ideas of things to work on next yesterday and today anyways.

#SoIfIWriteThisNowItMeansIHopefullyWillHaveEnoughToWriteAboutInAFewDaysTimeAndThenICanBalanceThingsWell

Good planning (I hope).

I keep a list of things to talk about and I did not even talk about them all – I spent too long whining later on as you’ll see.

#IWasGoingToTryAnotherGroupWalkTodayButTheWeatherWasRubbishAndIEndedUpHavingToSortSomeThingsOut

I nearly signed up yesterday but thought I better leave it in case I had things to do. I felt really tired this morning, and then the weather was rubbish and then I got a couple of emails to deal with anyways.

#BUsuallyGoesDownForNapsQuiteWellButAfter30MinutesSheWasStillAwake #IThinkSheWasOvertiredSoTheWalkWouldHaveBeenGoodForGettingHerToSleepButOhWell

Typical. She was awake when I went to get her up this morning, but being really chill. I do not know how long she had been awake for, so I should have put her to bed 15 minutes earlier really. You live and learn.

#ThisMorningIWasMakingABatchOfPorridgeForBAndIAccidentallyPutCayennePepperInInsteadOfCinnamon

We have a big box of spices and then a smaller one on top. The cinnamon is usually there, but the cayenne pepper is normally not.

#IManagedToGetSomeOutAndThenNearlyPutMoreInAgain

I’d put lots of milk in so it was floating on top.

I should have just emptied it out, but I hate wasting things.

#IUsedToMeasureItOutInASpoonButNowIJustChuckItInAndThenINoticedTheColour

If I had measured it out I would have noticed the colour and then checked the label. To be fair it is in a glass container, but I obviously was not paying attention to the colour then. Classic.

#SoINeedToBeMoreCarefulAndPutItInAfterTheButternutSquashHasCookedSoThatICanJustRinseItOffInFuture

You live and learn.

It’s Joe Wicks’ butternut porridge but I can’t find the recipe online.

#ITriedItAndICouldNotTasteItAsItIsAMassiveBatchSoHopefullyItWillBeOkayTomorrow

I’ll try it before giving it to B tomorrow. Looking at websites they say it’s best to wait until 12 months to introduce cayenne pepper to babies.

I should just really eat that batch of porridge and make B a new batch. She might just have to have plain porridge tomorrow, or she can have the carrot porridge that she used to have (also a Joe Wicks recipe).

(14th March: I tasted it the next day and I did not notice it at all. If anything it actually tasted fresher than usual?)

#BIsDefinitelyShowingMorePersonalityLately

I should have said in the hashtags that even with all the whining I love her so much. It’s exciting to see her personality develop.

#ILikeToPlayPeekabooWithHerAroundDoorFramesAndTodaySheWentOohAndThenArghWhenIAppeared #ItMadeHerSeemSoMuchOlderThanSheIsAndSheWouldLaughAfterwardsWhichThenMadeMeLaugh

She did it in such a funny way. I hope this does not sound mean. I can just walk into the room and she’ll jump…

#TiagoWentOutAndISaidToNotScareHerLikeHeDidLastTimeWhenHeOpenedTheDoor

He went to pick up some food so I knew she would still be eating in her high chair when he came back.

#ThisTimeHeMadeBothOfUsJumpThoughHeSaidHeThoughtHeHadOpenedTheDoorGentlyButAtLeastBDidNotCryForAsLongThisTime

I jumped so high. I think last time Tiago had a hat on so it took her longer to recognise him…

#ThePlaygroundThatITakeBToHasACapacityLimit

I’m sure most do right?

Did I really write this many hashtags about this…

#TodayThereWereWayTooManyPeopleInThereSoWeStoodOutsideWaiting

I could see from a distance it was busy and so I started counting. I did debate going in, but the sign is there for a reason.

Also, I’ve gotten this far without getting Covid, so I want to reduce the risk (though I go on group walks and want to go to baby classes, but some kids get so close to us in there).

#AGroupOfAdultsWereJustStoodInTheMiddleChattingAndIThoughtTheyWouldGetTheHintAfterAWhile

How many awkward glances can I make towards them?

#PeopleWouldJustGoStraightPastUsAsPerUsualAndGoToWalkIntoThePlayground

In the past I have waited but B was a lot younger so I thought fair enough their kids are older. Now that B enjoys going on a swing more, I really wanted to let her go on one. Plus we usually only stay for 5 minutes and the baby swings were free.

#SoIThoughtIWouldActuallyTellPeopleItHadReachedCapacityForOnceAsIfTheyGoInThenItIsEvenMoreSoOverCapacitySoWhyAmIWaiting

I thought the wait would be over soon. I felt awkward telling them, but when I’m pissed off I care less and so am more likely to say something.

I did not want to stand right next to the gate as it is an awkward place to stand, but maybe I should next time. They probably just think I’m waiting for someone or something.

#TheCoupleOfPeopleThatIToldWereProbablyJustPissedOffWithMeButTheyJustLeftAfterAMinuteToGoElsewhere

A woman explained to her two kids that it was over capacity. I felt bad and said you can go in if you want, but she said they try to follow the rules though it is difficult with kids. I felt bad.

Then a guy came along with 3 kids. I felt awkward saying something but the woman and kids had literally just left. It seemed like he was just going to go in anyways but he stood right by the gate (maybe he thought I wasn’t waiting?). Eventually they went off to play in a field – I walked past later and they were having fun so I felt less bad.

#ThenAnotherWomanEitherDidNotHearMeOrJustIgnoredMeAndThenThreeOtherKidsRanIn

She walked to the gate via an awkward route due to where I was stood, so she might have just not heard me. So 5 people just went in, so we were definitely going to be waiting a while.

#SoWeDidALapAndThenThereWereEvenMorePeopleInThereSoNoPlaygroundForBToday

By this point I felt invested in making it into the playground. It’s the last day of half term, so it should not be a problem for a little while now.

#MaybeNoOneCaresAndMaybeIJustRuinedKidsPlaytimesTodayButTheSignIsThereForAReasonRight

I’m sure people are reading this and thinking ‘lol you actually follow those rules?!’ I just feel awkward and guilty very easily. Some people might have judged me for going in like I judged them, and like I said I do not want to catch Covid. Long Covid does not sound nice.

My Nan has had a vaccine but she still might react badly to getting Covid. he playground isn’t that big, and if you want to stand in the same spot for 10 minutes then stand on the other side of the playground fence?

#IWouldHaveSaidSomethingToThePeopleStoodInTheMiddleJustChattingButISeeOneOfTheGuysAroundALotSoIDoNotWantToCauseDrama

I want to get to know people in the area, but I don’t think the way to do it is by getting pissed off and then saying something that just gets me known in a negative way. Frustrating. I feel like I did recognise quite a few people today.

I guess the rules are being relaxed soon, but I do feel a little nervous about it all.

#SoIWasFeelingGrumpyOnTheWayHomeButThenISpokeToAWomanWithADogWhoWeSeeAroundALotSoIFeltABitBetter

I said hi to her the other day as we’ve seen her quite a lot. She said ‘you alright?’ but I just smiled. So today I asked her how she is and she was talking to B, and then we talked about her dog. It was nice. I would have chatted longer, but I was blocking the path. I should have just moved, but I did not want to block her and maybe she only wanted a short chat? Welcome to my boring mind.

#AndThenAWomanMadeDuckSoundsWhileIShowedBSomeDucksSoThatMadeMeSmileToo

B took no notice, but I thought it was sweet that she willing to potentially feel a bit silly for B. Or maybe it was for her own amusement? Anyways, it was fun.

Time to do a shoot… I miss my plain wall.

I used the cupboard in the end, and I also realised that I can’t remember how B had her hands while drinking from the top. I also was trying to work out if it is actually easier to drink from the top than the bottom. I don’t know… I guess if you drink from the top then you don’t have to lower it so much to drink from it. After doing this shoot I think she actually might have just been teething on it more than drinking from it, but again I’m not sure.

Babies 🤷‍♀️


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Categories
Misc

Musings On Recent Events

The kidnap and murder of Sarah Everard has started a lot of conversations since the news broke of a police officer’s arrest.

These conversations have been triggering for a lot of women I know, and myself too. I’ve been replaying different events in my life over and over again; two nights ago I barely slept thinking about it all.

I keep starting and stopping this, but I feel like I need to comment on a few of the things that I’ve been thinking about.

(This post discusses awkward situations, sexual harassment, and general musings about what I’ve thought about lately.)

I’ve been thinking about high school when all the girls would be asked what underwear we were wearing by our male peers. When they were going round asking everyone I usually just tried to dodge the question as I didn’t want to reveal my ‘granny pants’ nor did I want to lie, as I was just not nor have I ever been interested in g-strings.

Also in high school, so many guys would just comment on the state of my chest. Some guys were my age and some were older. It was exhausting and I’ve been making work that has been helping me to rebuild my confidence since 2010ish.

14/11/03
Went to the cross and a man implied ___ was fat and that I was ugly. He said I should have my hair cut + down, wear a dress + make up.
He said I must be the moose of the skule + that I'm posh + that I play the violin.
A 2003 diary entry that I rewrote for my 2013 project Your Mind & Body Is All That You’ve Got II.

This ‘man’ was definitely a lot older than us. In my mind I remember him being 40+. I was 15.

I hope high school is different for people now (I guess it’s been a bit different with Covid). I never really felt worried about my personal safety then, but being a teenage girl felt really tough. Boys boasted of sleeping with 100+ girls and they were high fived. A girl would have sex once and be labelled a ‘slag’.

(I did once make up a horrible rhyme about a girl who was ‘sleeping around’, which I am not proud of. I wish I had realised and scrutinised the double standards that existed earlier on.)

In 2018 I took a photo and wrote text called ‘Jocelyn, Can You Grow More? (1st January 2018)‘, which talks more about school and some of the experiences I mentioned. It’s from my Don’t Take Me Out Of My Melons project:

Jocelyn, Can You Grow More? (1st January 2018)

From that talk at school where the girls were called into one room and the boys were sent to another, I knew I didn’t want to become a woman.
I also knew that I didn’t want to be the last one either.
When the first sign of blood appeared I called a friend, excited that it had finally arrived after a year or so after the birth of hairs on the mons pubis of a fellow woman-to-be.  
Our teachers yelled at us for hiding in our towels in the changing room showers as we tried to grow accustomed to our changing bodies.
A few bared their flesh, whilst I flashed my parts to the wall for a quick splash.
I shaved my blonde leg hairs off before anyone could mock me for them. A mistake that my now dark hairs remind me of frequently.
In high school I wore a training bra for a chest that didn’t yet need to be trained.
The boys would ask us what pants we were wearing, whilst they talked in maths class about how many fingers they stuck up her last night. I kept my love of big pants to myself.
‘You’re like two paracetamols on an ironing board.’
It seemed like there was a weekly announcement on the growth status of the lumps that I was incubating.
The conclusion was that I was flat-chested.
After another public message I ranted at a friend. ‘Boobs are only for babies! Why do they care so much about my boobs?!’
I listened to stories of back pain by those with cumbersome assets. I told myself that I was okay with my mosquito bites.
I quit sports. I put on weight. I stopped eating properly.
I weighed myself x times a day. Before going to the toilet and after going to the toilet.
I’m glad that being sick grossed me out.
Someone mentioned my thigh gap once. Yes, apparently it was a thing in 2004.
I’m called a fridge for my unwillingness to get close to boys.
I get a boyfriend. People gossip about us. I’m too scared to kiss him. In case he runs away like the last guy.
We break up.
My self-hatred spirals.
People gossip about me. True, they gossip about everyone.
We verbally abuse a girl for sleeping with a few guys, meanwhile the guy who claims he has slept with over 100 girls at the age of 16 can do no wrong.
Times goes by.
I look at old pictures of myself and feel sad that I hated myself so much. I didn’t look that bad.
I read articles by women about how they learn to love themselves in their 50’s, 60’s, 70’s. I don’t want to wait that long.
I go to a dance class and rediscover muscles that I haven’t felt in years. I vow to respect myself more.
Some self-acceptance is learned.
I don’t like dressing up. It makes me feel uncomfortable when I do. I don’t like showing off my body that much.  
It’s not that I think I’m worthy of attention, I just know that being human is enough for some people.
More time goes by.
A guy tells me he usually dates girls with bigger boobs. I say okay.
It doesn’t really register with me what he says until years later.
If I had said something along the same lines about your male anatomy, would you have just said okay?
More time goes by.
I spend the summer of 2017 too scared to show my armpits. I choose the tops that make me sweat as it’s better to sweat and smell than let a stranger on the tube notice the hair emerging from my underarms.
Sweat patches are more socially accepted than body hair right?
If you’re a man you’re allowed to have both.

This isn’t a sob story. (I had to write that as I maintain a fear of being judged).

I was living in Brixton in 2015 when there were a lot of attacks on women in the area. I remember being scared and more cautious than normal, but I lived on a main road which made me feel not so worried. Talking about things the other night my husband, Tiago, said he used to worry about me walking home.

(It felt really good to talk about things, so if you’re feeling triggered and feel able to talk to someone then you should. Feel free to drop me a message if you don’t know who to talk to.)

I used to run a lot and I would often run at night (sometimes I’d run to Clapham Common and use the outdoor gym equipment). Yes I’d be worried that something might happen to me, but it felt like a choice between either run in the day and get heckled, or run in the dark and feel less self-conscious, get heckled less, but feel more scared for my personal safety. I felt a bit relieved when my knees started to hurt, and I had an excuse to switch my exercise to indoor activities like yoga.

Once I was running with a friend and a guy shouted something at us about wanting to marry us. As I was with her I felt able to shout ‘f*** off’, which was also an f off for all the times I had felt unable to. He was with a friend who looked very sheepish. I know some guys will say things when they are alone, but I often thought about whether he would have said it if he was by himself. Probably not.

I’ve often walked home late at night, even when I was 15 I would walk home for 40 minutes in the dark after coming back from music gigs. I knew I was being dumb, but the buses had stopped running and I refused to pay £6 for a taxi when I could walk for free. I was also scared of taxis and didn’t like buses either.

(Yesterday I was thinking about the gender pay gap and then women feeling the need to spend money on taxis for their personal safety.)

I once walked 7 miles to a friend’s house after a gig as I had been hoping to get a lift home, but felt too sheepish to ask when no one offered. I was terrified and basically just tried to make myself look like a guy, though someone later told me that guys were more likely to get randomly beaten up. I was more impressed with myself that I managed to follow the road signs back to town, as phones were very simple back then.

Luckily nothing bad ever happened to me on those walks home, but I would walk with my keys between my fingers if I felt particularly worried or run when I had an uncomfortable feeling. In London I usually lived on main roads or just off them, and there were always people about so it never seemed as bad as when I was in places where barely anyone walks at night.

I love music. I remember some teenagers on the bus when I lived in London playing the most awful misogynistic music I have ever heard out loud. I was sat at the front of the bus, while they sat at the back and laughed their heads off playing it intimidatingly loud. I have no idea what the song was, but I do know that a male rapper who is known for his misogyny has had 8 number one albums in the UK. When he achieved his 8th number one, his President had become President even though the whole world knew he had said things like he grabs women ‘by the pussy’. Yeah, he was not our President but the USA is highly influential. What kind of message did that send to everyone?

It took me many years to process things that happened to me. I studied for a BA between 2007 and 2010 in Newport, and I experienced a lot of things for the first time – like going out to clubs. I didn’t drink when I first started uni and I was really shocked that people would just pinch your bum/touch you. I remember being in one club and a guy kept touching my bum. I would shout at him and I guess he thought it was a game. My friends were drunk and it was a ‘normal’ thing so nobody seemed bothered. I didn’t want to cause a fuss by going to a bouncer, so I just did nothing apart from feel annoyed about it.

At a club in London for a friend’s birthday 8+ years ago I ended up just standing against a wall as I was annoyed by people walking past and touching my bum. I don’t think I’m anything special so they must have been doing it to everyone, but I was the only one who seemed bothered by it. Perhaps it was because I was sober and more aware of what was going on, or maybe they felt like how I used to – that if you were going to a club that being touched by people was just part of the package.

I’d like to think that things have changed since then. Clubs have been closed for a while here, and I don’t go on planning to one anytime soon anyways.

In 2017 I felt compelled to share my experience of sexual assault during my BA.

I No Longer Blame Myself (5th May 2017)

It was 2008 or 2009 and I was walking to meet my friends at a pub in Newport, where I was in the second year of my BA. I was feeling self-conscious as I think it was the first time that I had worn this top, but it was definitely the first time I had worn it with a pencil skirt that was quite fitted and I possibly only worn the skirt on one other occasion (a costume party). I was about 2 minutes from the pub and was walking right by the shop windows when a young guy rode up beside me on his bike and started to feel my bum. He asked me if I would give him a blowjob whilst he kept touching my bum. I was in shock (because of what was happening and because he looked so young) and my voice seemed to disappear so I couldn’t shout out to the people who were walking nearby and I couldn’t run as he was trapping me between the shop windows and his bike. I managed to let out a ‘no’ and ‘leave me alone’, whilst he continued to say ‘come on baby give me a blowjob’ whilst touching my bum. After a few rounds of ‘come on’ and ‘no’ he got bored and cycled off, leaving me to walk to the pub to meet my friends. I blamed myself for wearing what I wore as this hadn’t happened to me on the street before. I donated the skirt to charity a long time ago as I never felt comfortable in it again, but the top has survived many charity giveaways even though I haven’t worn it since because I feel self-conscious in it, but liked the idea of one day wearing it out again. I noticed it this morning. After wearing it for this picture to illustrate this story I’m torn between giving it away and wearing it again. It doesn’t fit me as well as it did when I was 19/20, but now I feel like wearing it one more time to not let him win. I no longer blame myself…

Taking the photo and writing the text felt like some closure and I donated it to charity not longer afterwards. It is also part of my Don’t Take Me Out Of My Melons project.

When I posted this to my Instagram account I received messages from other women sharing their stories, and I also received messages from men telling me that they didn’t realise that these incidents happened to women that they knew.

Another piece of work that fits well with the theme of this blog is my ‘Smile Love‘ gif.

Smile Love (2019)

#SmileLove
#VileGov
#MileAbove
#IsleDove
#CrocodileShove
#TileGlove
#IThoughtMoreWordsRhymedWithLove
#IWasWrong
#WellIProbablyAmMissingSomeButImBoredNow #WellNotBoredButIJustWantToMoveOnFromThat
#ISmileWhenIWantTo
#WhyCantIPostAGifOnInstagram
#IHadToConvertItToAVideoFirst
#TheQualityIsRubbish
#ItLooksBetterOnMyWebsite
#ThatsWhyImNotSmiling
#ThatOrSmilingHurtsMyFace #LikeWhenIWorkedInRetail #IdGetHomeAndMyFaceHurtFromFakeSmiling
#WellSometimesIMeantIt
#LikeWhenIServedBabySpice
#WellIDontThinkISmiledAsIWasInShock
#IProbablyJustLookedABitOdd
#NormalJocelynStyle

‘Smile Love – you know that classic line that someone delivers to you when you’re daydreaming, waiting for a bus or you’ve posted a dance video and you’re not smiling enough for someone’s liking?’

Contrary to what people might think of me with the work I make, I like to be somewhat invisible when I go out (if going out exists at the moment in our weird Covid world). I do not take great care of my appearance (some makeup I bought last year has gone untouched) and that is partially due to not wanting to attract attention. It is not that I think I am worthy of attention based on my appearance, but (I am finding this hard to explain in a way that I feel will not cause negative comments) I guess I hope people won’t look at me twice.

This blog post has been a bit of a ramble, but I felt like I needed to write more than a tweet. I could write more, but I have a 9 month old daughter who needs my attention, and I do not really want to go into other things that are darker than what I have shared here.

Things seem to be changing, and I hope by the time that my daughter is old enough to be ‘bothered’ by people that things will have changed even more. I want her to feel like there is not one set of rules for boys and one set of rules for girls. I don’t want her to be asked about her underwear and have her body commented on all the time. Girls should not be told it was their fault for walking home at night, for what they were wearing, for being drunk. A woman could be walking down a street naked and drunk, but it does not mean that anyone has the right to touch her.

Everyone should be taught about consent and how to respect each other.

(I wish I had a better ending than that, but I think that says it all.)

Rest in peace Sarah, and condolences to her family and friends.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Where Is Mummy? (16th February 2021)

Where Is Mummy? (16th February 2021)
 
#IAlwaysWriteMumButMummyLooksABitWeird
#IAmNotADeadPersonInAMuseumThoughIMaySometimesLookLikeIt
#LastNightIWentToSleepAtNineThirtyAfterReadingForABit
#ThenIWasAwakeBetweenFourAndFiveThirtyishAsBWasMakingNoisesAndICouldNotFallBackAsleep
#ThenItWas7AndIDidNotWantToGetOutOfBedAsIFeltSoTired
#IHadPlannedToDoSomeCraftsOrWritingOrAnythingLastNightButIJustCouldNotBeBothered
#TypicallyISpendAllDayLookingForwardToAGoodAmountOfMeTimeButThenItArrivesAndIAmJustKnackered
#IStartedAFundingApplicationTheOtherNightButItJustSeemedSoPointlessAndItWouldHaveBeenVeryRushed
#IFeelLikeINeedToPrioritiseMyMeTimeAtTheMomentForThingsThatHaveInstantaneousResultsOrMakeMeMoney
#IWantToStartWorkingOnANewProjectButIAmNotSureWhat
#ItFeelsEasyToKeepAddingToThisSeriesAndIDoNotHaveToThinkAboutItMuch
#AnywaysWeWentOnAGroupWalkWithOtherMumsAndMomsYesterday
#TypicallyEveryoneElseKnewEachOtherThoughIDoFeelLikeTheyDidTryToIncludeMe
#ButAllOfTheirBabiesAre8WeeksOldAndWereAsleepTheWholeTime
#BWasAwakeAndBeingQuitePatientReallyConsideringSheWasJustStuckInHerPushchair
#SheCanCrawlForwardALittleNowButThenHasToStopBeforeTryingAgain
#ItFeltGoodToBeOutAndAboutInGoodWeatherAndTalkToOtherPeople
#ButItWasNotAnyFunForBSoIMightJustTryAndGoOnceInAWhile
#MaybeItWouldNotBeSoBadIfThePushchairActuallyFacedMeAsICouldTalkToHerMore
#IDoWishWeHadGotOneThatCouldFaceBothWaysButItIsABitLateNow
#IAlsoFeltAwkwardMovingAboutWithABunchOfPeopleAsIFeltLikePeopleWereJudgingUsAndGettingAnnoyed
#ItIsClassedAsASupportGroupSoWeAreNotBreakingTheLawButIAmAwkwardEnoughJustBeingOutWithB
#WeAreDebatingSendingBToNurseryOneDayAWeek
#IFeelQuiteTornAboutItAsIAmNotMakingEnoughMoneyAtTheMomentToJustifyItAndIFeelGuiltyThatSheWouldBeInNurseryWhileIAmJustFaffingAboutAtHome
#IFeelLikeItLooksLikeIDoNotWantToSpendTimeWithHer
#ILoveHerALotButIAmJustTiredAndMaybeSheWouldHaveMoreFunSpendingADayWithOtherKids
#ThenICanUseMyFreeTimeToFigureOutWhatIWantToDoWithMyLifeAndProbablySpendALotOfMyTimeMissingBAndFeelingGuilty
#ThenWhenWeAreReunitedIWillHopefullyHaveMoreEnthusiasmAfterHavingSomeMoreMeTime
#IDoWorryThatIWillJustWasteMyFreeTimeThoughTiagoSaysItIsFineIfIJustSpendTheFirstTimeSleeping
#ThinkingAboutItSendingHerToNurseryIncreasesOurRiskOfHavingToSelfIsolateAndThatWouldBeNoFun

#IAlwaysWriteMumButMummyLooksABitWeird #IAmNotADeadPersonInAMuseumThoughIMaySometimesLookLikeIt

Hello tiredness my old friend.

The title and image reference our many games of peekaboo.

#LastNightIWentToSleepAtNineThirtyAfterReadingForABit

Continuing on the dead theme – I’m reading Dead Famous by Greg Jenner.

#ThenIWasAwakeBetweenFourAndFiveThirtyishAsBWasMakingNoisesAndICouldNotFallBackAsleep

It was warm last night and I was not sure what setting/timing to have B’s heater on. I thought it was on a higher setting than it was and so had turned some ‘sessions’ off. I think she was slightly too cold. We went in a couple of times – once as I thought she was trapped at the bottom of her cot with not much space, and the other time to change her nappy.

Exciting stuff.

#ThenItWas7AndIDidNotWantToGetOutOfBedAsIFeltSoTired

Tiago is good at getting her up. I did have a little nap, then stretched but I need to just get up really.

#IHadPlannedToDoSomeCraftsOrWritingOrAnythingLastNightButIJustCouldNotBeBothered

I even thought about playing video games, which I have not done since before B was born. In the end I thought it was not very productive and that I would probably load it then turn it off after 5 minutes anyways.

#TypicallyISpendAllDayLookingForwardToAGoodAmountOfMeTimeButThenItArrivesAndIAmJustKnackered

I think I also just feel a bit overwhelmed with choosing what to do if there is not obvious stuff that needs to be done – like editing or any work related stuff. I did think about doing some digital drawing. Nope. I thought about painting. Nope. I looked for part time jobs briefly. I did a tiny bit of writing and then I felt shattered.

#IStartedAFundingApplicationTheOtherNightButItJustSeemedSoPointlessAndItWouldHaveBeenVeryRushed

The deadline was sooner than I thought. I thought I had a good idea and I kept talking myself in and out of doing the application. Well I finally started it and then realised that there was no chance that I was going to get the funding. Next time!

#IFeelLikeINeedToPrioritiseMyMeTimeAtTheMomentForThingsThatHaveInstantaneousResultsOrMakeMeMoney

Obviously funding would give me money, but spending 5+ hours (realistically it would need to be a lot longer) on an application where I probably wouldn’t get the money does not feel like a good use of my time. I will try to apply next time though and I can hopefully just chip away at it a bit at a time.

Making dance videos and adding to this project feel like ‘instantaneous results’, as I am actively adding to things that I share.

#IWantToStartWorkingOnANewProjectButIAmNotSureWhat

I feel like I am trying things out within this project, but I need a good solid idea.

#ItFeelsEasyToKeepAddingToThisSeriesAndIDoNotHaveToThinkAboutItMuch

I know that if I make work for this series then it always gets added to the project. I need to just experiment more (which I feel like I did with my last shoot) and ideas will come.

I need to find a commission or something so I do not have to worry about doing odd jobs right now. Easier said than done. Someone is probably reading this and shouting ‘that’s why you apply for funding!’ Yeah I know but it’s also easier said than done…

I’m enjoying editing some websites at the moment and I have put some things that I learned on my coding course into practice which is great!

I’d like to do a creative writing course or something next.

#AnywaysWeWentOnAGroupWalkWithOtherMumsAndMomsYesterday

We being B and I.

#TypicallyEveryoneElseKnewEachOtherThoughIDoFeelLikeTheyDidTryToIncludeMe

They’d all met on a parenting course.

#ButAllOfTheirBabiesAre8WeeksOldAndWereAsleepTheWholeTime

So B is 6 months+ older and it’s a whole different world of parenting. It was nice to talk to them though.

#BWasAwakeAndBeingQuitePatientReallyConsideringSheWasJustStuckInHerPushchair

She was getting a bit screamy at one point and I thought about taking her home, but we were so far from home that I thought we might as well keep walking and then head off once we got to a point that was closer to home. Home home home.

#SheCanCrawlForwardALittleNowButThenHasToStopBeforeTryingAgain

Yesterday she seemed pretty tired, so it wasn’t too bad that she was just sat in the pushchair. The day before she had moved a lot so she probably did just need to rest a bit.

#ItFeltGoodToBeOutAndAboutInGoodWeatherAndTalkToOtherPeople

Really nice. Forget all the things I’ve said about not wanting to meet local people. It is just frustrating though.

#ButItWasNotAnyFunForBSoIMightJustTryAndGoOnceInAWhile

It’s also frustrating. I’d love to go every week, but it’s not fair on B. There is one during B’s naptime, so maybe I should go to that one instead but then I’ll lose my hour+ of free time in the morning. It’s alright if I have nothing on, but if I have to work then it’s annoying.

#MaybeItWouldNotBeSoBadIfThePushchairActuallyFacedMeAsICouldTalkToHerMore #IDoWishWeHadGotOneThatCouldFaceBothWaysButItIsABitLateNow

It hasn’t been too bad as usually we don’t go too far. Yesterday was the furthest we’ve gone from home since before Xmas…

#IAlsoFeltAwkwardMovingAboutWithABunchOfPeopleAsIFeltLikePeopleWereJudgingUsAndGettingAnnoyed #ItIsClassedAsASupportGroupSoWeAreNotBreakingTheLawButIAmAwkwardEnoughJustBeingOutWithB

It’s half term so the area was busier than usual. We were walking in twos, but the paths are narrow (I walked on the grass a lot).

Basically we can’t win. Be miserable at home, or be awkward out and about.

#WeAreDebatingSendingBToNurseryOneDayAWeek #IFeelQuiteTornAboutItAsIAmNotMakingEnoughMoneyAtTheMomentToJustifyIt#AndIFeelGuiltyThatSheWouldBeInNurseryWhileIAmJustFaffingAboutAtHome

If more things were open I think it would not be so bad. Classes/play groups/activities would be cheaper than nursery and pass the day nicely. I guess things will have to reopen soon, but can my sanity wait until then?

#IFeelLikeItLooksLikeIDoNotWantToSpendTimeWithHer #ILoveHerALotButIAmJustTiredAndMaybeSheWouldHaveMoreFunSpendingADayWithOtherKids

It’s very full on. I make it harder for myself by getting stressed out about anything and everything – is she eating okay, is she being entertained, is she getting enough stimulation? This week our usual baby classes aren’t on, and we tend to do YouTube classes using the TV, but my Nan does not like them. Fun times.

#ThenICanUseMyFreeTimeToFigureOutWhatIWantToDoWithMyLifeAndProbablySpendALotOfMyTimeMissingBAndFeelingGuilty

I am feeling a bit lost.

#ThenWhenWeAreReunitedIWillHopefullyHaveMoreEnthusiasmAfterHavingSomeMoreMeTime

I hope so.

#IDoWorryThatIWillJustWasteMyFreeTimeThoughTiagoSaysItIsFineIfIJustSpendTheFirstTimeSleeping

I am used to having to work quite fast, so having a whole day to do stuff just seems incomprehensible. I’d have to make a plan and be quite strict with myself as otherwise I’d feel really guilty. Factoring in relaxing time is fine, but I’d need to get stuff done.

I just imagine leaving B there and her crying her eyes out. She’d get over it after a bit and it’d be better for the whole family perhaps. I remember going to nursery/playgroup and absolutely loving it but I was a bit older.

If playgroups reopened soon that would be really good… B would have fun and I could have a chat. That seems like a dream at the moment though.

Simple things.

#ThinkingAboutItSendingHerToNurseryIncreasesOurRiskOfHavingToSelfIsolateAndThatWouldBeNoFun

I reedited my hashtags to fit this in. As much as I’d love more me/free time, it seems a bit risky to send her to nursery when we don’t really need to. If someone tests positive, we have to self-isolate which means no walks, we can’t just go to the supermarket when we need something, and my Mum can’t visit.

It’s an annoying situation, but a lot of people have a lot more problems so I just need to get over it.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Portrait Of A Mother Of An 8 Month Old (13th February 2021)

Self-portrait staring into the distance with a reflection of myself behind.
Portrait Of A Mother Of An 8 Month Old (13th February 2021)
 
#ICanNotBelieveThatBIsTwoThirdsOfAYearOld
#AndAlsoThatThisIsMy80thEntryForThisProject
#ICanNotSayThatEveryPhotoIHaveTakenForItIsGoodButIAmHappyToHaveARecordOfThingsAnywaysEspeciallyWithAllTheWriting
#JustYesterdayTiagoWalkedIntoOurBedroomHoldingBAndIThoughtWhoaIAmTheMotherOfThisSmilingYoungHuman
#IRealisedIHadActuallySwitchedOffABitAsIKnewThatTiagoWouldLookAfterHerUntilHerBedtime
#UsuallyISpendMostOfTheTimeAwayFromBOnEdgeThatSheMayWakeUpOrThatIAmRunningOutOfTimeToGetStuffDone
#IAmJustFeelingQuiteTired
#TwoNightsAgoAsSoonAsBWentToBedIJustGotIntoBedAndWatchedTheQueensGambit
#IWasExhaustedButIDidAlsoJustWantToWatchIt
#LastNightIMadeMyselfDoTheWorkThatINeededToDoFirstBeforeWatchingTheFinalEpisode
#IHaveNotReallyWatchedMuchTVLatelyApartFromItsASinAndDragRace
#CatchingTheEndOfBargainHuntWhenSortingOutBsLunchIsAlsoADailyHighlight
#ThoughIDidMissItYesterdayAndDoQuiteALotOfDaysActually
#NoOffenceToBButIAmABitBoredOfFeedingHer
#IThinkItIsMoreTheStressOfItThanAnythingElse
#OurUsualTrickForIfSheDoesNotSeemToWantToEatAtLunchIsToPutSomeGreekStyleYoghurtWithHerFood
#YesterdaySheDidNotWantToEatHerLunchButThenSuddenlySheHadFinishedHerBowlOfScrambledEggTomatoAndToastWithSomeYoghurt
#OrAtDinnerWeJustStartToFeedHerHerDessertWhichIsUsuallyYoghurtAndFruit
#ButThenWeMixSomeOfHerDinnerInWithItTooAndSoSheHasWeirdCombinationsOfFood
#WeUsuallyWaitAWhileFirstThoughBeforeDoingThis
#HerSkinIsLoadsBetterWhichIsARelief
#IThoughtThatRestaurantsWouldBeAllowedToReopenSoonButIJustLookedForTheArticleAgainAndSawItWasOnlyInJersey
#IWasNotBotheredAboutItButIThoughtItWouldSoonMeanGoodNewsForBabyGroups
#IWasThinkingYesterdayThatIThinkIHaveOnlyChangedBsNappyInPublicTwice
#OnceInARestaurantToiletAndOnceAtTheParkJustOnTheGrass
#ItIsJustWeirdThinkingThatIHaveAn8MonthOldButHaveOnlyBeenOutFarAndLongEnoughToChangeHerInPublicTwice
#IThinkTiagoHasProbablyChangedHerMoreThanMeThoughAsInTheEarlyDaysIFeltTooScaredNervousAndAwkwardTo
#WeWereSayingYesterdayThatItSeemsWeirdThatAtOnePointWeWereGoingOutToRestaurantsOnceAWeekish
#TiagoSaysThatHeIsReallyEnjoyingHisPlaytimeWithB
#EspeciallyNowThatSheShowsALotMoreOfHerPersonalityAndStartsToPlayWithHerToysAndRespondMore

#ICanNotBelieveThatBIsTwoThirdsOfAYearOld

Time really flies.

Every time I do one of these ‘Portrait Of A Mother…’ posts I think ‘how has another month gone by already?’

#AndAlsoThatThisIsMy80thEntryForThisProject

My pregnancy project was 84 entries. I thought I should note that for some reason.

#ICanNotSayThatEveryPhotoIHaveTakenForItIsGoodButIAmHappyToHaveARecordOfThingsAnywaysEspeciallyWithAllTheWriting

In the whole project how many photos am I really happy with? Probably about 10 right now, but perhaps more – I am not going to go through and count.

It’s a record and as time goes on some entries will make me cringe more and some less. Some photos I will grow to love, some I will love more and some I will tell myself for in some ways or another – ‘I should have done … instead’.

#JustYesterdayTiagoWalkedIntoOurBedroomHoldingBAndIThoughtWhoaIAmTheMotherOfThisSmilingYoungHuman

I love when they walk in and B is just super happy to see me.

She doesn’t have much time away from me to miss me…

#IRealisedIHadActuallySwitchedOffABitAsIKnewThatTiagoWouldLookAfterHerUntilHerBedtime

I think I left the living room at 6.30pm and her bedtime is around 7pm.

#UsuallyISpendMostOfTheTimeAwayFromBOnEdgeThatSheMayWakeUpOrThatIAmRunningOutOfTimeToGetStuffDone

Usually I am working during B’s naps, or after she goes to bed and I am normally the closest person to be able to respond to her (though I know it is temporary and she will sleep again). Or like now it is 8am and Tiago has been looking after her since 7am while I did my yoga and a bit of work. I know I should go downstairs soon and give him some time to do something. Or when my Mum is here and she is looking after B and I know she can not stay too long, or we have a baby class to attend anyways.

#IAmJustFeelingQuiteTired

My diary entry each night usually starts with ‘I am tired’ or some variation of the statement.

#TwoNightsAgoAsSoonAsBWentToBedIJustGotIntoBedAndWatchedTheQueensGambit

I was slow to get into it. My younger sister said it was good, but I was watching 10-15 minutes at a time stretching in the evenings and then I suddenly got into it.

#IWasExhaustedButIDidAlsoJustWantToWatchIt

I had worked all through B’s naps so I was shattered.

#LastNightIMadeMyselfDoTheWorkThatINeededToDoFirstBeforeWatchingTheFinalEpisode

I knew I would find it harder to watch the episode then do work after. I made the mistake of not getting into bed to watch the rest of the episode after stretching though.

#IHaveNotReallyWatchedMuchTVLatelyApartFromItsASinAndDragRace

UK and US Drag Race. I feel like there is so much TV to watch, but I should probably have a break now before I find something else to watch. I have stopped reading so much and I would like to get back into it.

#CatchingTheEndOfBargainHuntWhenSortingOutBsLunchIsAlsoADailyHighlight

I can not be bothered for most of the episode where they are finding stuff. Just show me how much they made or lost!

#ThoughIDidMissItYesterdayAndDoQuiteALotOfDaysActually

Fail. Sometimes I am feeding B and I have to carefully try to see what is going on – take B’s bowl away so she doesn’t knock it on the floor/make sure she doesn’t choke.

#NoOffenceToBButIAmABitBoredOfFeedingHer

I love you, but I do not look forward to mealtimes. Breakfast is alright.

#IThinkItIsMoreTheStressOfItThanAnythingElse

Has she eaten enough? Will she sleep through the night? Not sure why I worry really as she has some milk before bed which usually fills her up.

#OurUsualTrickForIfSheDoesNotSeemToWantToEatAtLunchIsToPutSomeGreekStyleYoghurtWithHerFood

I need to see how much is too much for a baby really. We don’t give her LOADS though.

#YesterdaySheDidNotWantToEatHerLunchButThenSuddenlySheHadFinishedHerBowlOfScrambledEggTomatoAndToastWithSomeYoghurt

Well, a lot of toast ends up on the floor and in her ‘pouch’ (where her bib collects food in her lap) along with the egg. The yoghurt did make her more keen though.

#OrAtDinnerWeJustStartToFeedHerHerDessertWhichIsUsuallyYoghurtAndFruit #ButThenWeMixSomeOfHerDinnerInWithItTooAndSoSheHasWeirdCombinationsOfFood

If she isn’t hungry then she will not eat it at all. I hope we are not creating a fussy eater, but there are worse things we could be adding to meals than plain yoghurt I think.

#WeUsuallyWaitAWhileFirstThoughBeforeDoingThis

10-30 minutes of us getting stressed, then ‘oh yeah, yoghurt!’

#HerSkinIsLoadsBetterWhichIsARelief

Thank you Hydromol (and to our friend who recommended it.)

#IThoughtThatRestaurantsWouldBeAllowedToReopenSoonButIJustLookedForTheArticleAgainAndSawItWasOnlyInJersey

I wondered why the article was no longer trending. I need to tell Tiago that I was telling lies last night…

#IWasNotBotheredAboutItButIThoughtItWouldSoonMeanGoodNewsForBabyGroups

I will miss the convenience of online baby classes when we can go to them in person again, though I think they are still planning some online ones for now for people who are unsure about returning to real life classes.

#IWasThinkingYesterdayThatIThinkIHaveOnlyChangedBsNappyInPublicTwice #OnceInARestaurantToiletAndOnceAtTheParkJustOnTheGrass

A weird, but true thought – unless I am forgetting other occasions.

#ItIsJustWeirdThinkingThatIHaveAn8MonthOldButHaveOnlyBeenOutFarAndLongEnoughToChangeHerInPublicTwice

Well, one time was without Tiago.

#IThinkTiagoHasProbablyChangedHerMoreThanMeThoughAsInTheEarlyDaysIFeltTooScaredNervousAndAwkwardToo

He definitely has. In the car park at the petrol station is another time on his list.

#WeWereSayingYesterdayThatItSeemsWeirdThatAtOnePointWeWereGoingOutToRestaurantsOnceAWeekish

Odd. Remember Eat Out To Help Out?

#TiagoSaysThatHeIsReallyEnjoyingHisPlaytimeWithB #EspeciallyNowThatSheShowsALotMoreOfHerPersonalityAndStartsToPlayWithHerToysAndRespondMore

Cute. She definitely does engage more.

It feels like there should be more to this post, but nope! It’s nearly 8.30am and I need to go to see what T and B are up to!


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Pan/Drum During Online Baby Classes (10th February 2021)

Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Pan/Drum During Online Baby Classes (10th February 2021)
 
#AYearAgoTiagoAndIWereInOsloForAFewDaysAfterMyVeryFirstSoloShowHadOpened
#ItFeltLikeACelebrationOfMyPreBabyLifeInAWay
#IWas20ishWeeksPregnantAndFeelingALittleWorriedAboutCovid
#INeverWouldHaveThoughtThatItWouldBeTheYearThatItHas
#IMentionMyShowNotToBoastButAsAHappyReminderToMyself
#OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow
#TheOtherDayIWasFeelingBurnedOutInGeneral
#AndNowIJustFeelABitMopeyAndWhyDoIBotherDoingAllMyWork
#IKnowWhyAndItIsBecauseItIsTherapeuticForMe
#IAmGladWeMovedAsWeHaveTheExtraSupportAndIThinkIWouldBeSuperMiserableInLiverpoolRightNow
#ILovedTheCityButWeJustFeltVeryStuckThereAndIFeltBadNotBeingAbleToSeeMyNan
#DuringTheWeekITendToDoTwoBabyClassesWithBInTheDay
#OneInTheMorningFromYoutubeAndOneLiveOnZoomSoSheCanSeeOtherBabies
#NextWeekItIsHalfTermAndTheLiveClassesAreNotOnSoINeedToStepMyMotheringGameUpABit
#IKnowWeAreLuckyAndThatThingsCouldBeALotWorse
#ButThisAllDoesSuckQuiteABit
#NowIWonderIfWeWillEvenBeAbleToSeeTiagosFamilyThisYear
#IImaginedBsEarlyLifeToBeVeryDifferentThoughLuckilySheDoesNotKnowThatSheIsMissingOutOnThings
#IThinkIFailToMentionHowSupportiveTiagoIsAsWell
#HeDoesALotForUsAndHeLooksAfterMyNanReallyWell
#YesterdayBStartedToClapALittleBitWhichWasQuiteCute
#IGotHerSomeFarmAnimalPuppetsAfterSeeingHerReactionToThemInHerBabyClasses
#IThinkSheIsHappyButIJustWantHerToBeAbleToHangOutWithMorePeopleAndBabiesInRealLife
#HopefullyWhenTheWeatherImprovesRulesWillHaveRelaxedABitAndWeCanJustSitOutsideWithMorePeople
#HerSkinSeemsALittleBetterAtLeastButIThinkItWillTakeAWhileToReturnToNormal
#TalkingAboutMyWorkAgainThoughLastNightIHadADreamThatIWonACompetitionInTimorLeste
#IWasCryingOnThePhoneBecauseIFeltLikeINeededTheConfidenceBoostAndDidNotEvenCareAboutHowMuchTheCallWasCostingMe
#TheWorkThatIWonWithWasReallyBizarreThoughLikePhotoshoppedSeascapesWithSeaCreaturesAndThings
#SoIWasBitGuttedThatItWasNotForMyMotherhoodProjectOrSomethingMoreMeaningfulToMe
#IGuessIAmFeelingABitLostAtTheMomentButItWillSoonPass

#AYearAgoTiagoAndIWereInOsloForAFewDaysAfterMyVeryFirstSoloShowHadOpened

Thanks Vasli Souza for the lovely show of my work. Installation shots and info here.

#ItFeltLikeACelebrationOfMyPreBabyLifeInAWay

I was hoping that I’d still be able to keep making work (I knew I’d find a way) and it was showing pictures from my pre-baby projects.

#IWas20ishWeeksPregnantAndFeelingALittleWorriedAboutCovid

I posted a picture on my insta story of a guy next to me on the plane invading my personal space. I was freaked out. I was trying to keep my distance and washing and sanitising my hands whenever I could. I bought some hand sanitiser at the airport.

#INeverWouldHaveThoughtThatItWouldBeTheYearThatItHas

Did any of us?

#IMentionMyShowNotToBoastButAsAHappyReminderToMyself #OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow

I think they’re more frequent occurrences than ‘once in a while’ to be fair.

(1st March – I’m currently in another patch. They are obviously more often than I thought, as I did not realise that the last patch was a few weeks ago…)

#TheOtherDayIWasFeelingBurnedOutInGeneral

Tired. I spent B’s naps in bed etc.

#AndNowIJustFeelABitMopeyAndWhyDoIBotherDoingAllMyWork #IKnowWhyAndItIsBecauseItIsTherapeuticForMe

Sometimes I do feel like I could just be relaxing instead of tiring myself out by doing my own stuff, but I do need to do it for my own sanity. Writing these hashtags took a while too as I felt a bit awkward and meh. I have no idea what I am going to do for the shoot. I think I might try and do something a bit more creative for my own sake…

#IAmGladWeMovedAsWeHaveTheExtraSupportAndIThinkIWouldBeSuperMiserableInLiverpoolRightNow #ILovedTheCityButWeJustFeltVeryStuckThereAndIFeltBadNotBeingAbleToSeeMyNan

I was calling my Nan on the phone every day and she sounded miserable, and I felt bad not being able to do anything to make her feel better.

#DuringTheWeekITendToDoTwoBabyClassesWithBInTheDay

I may have mentioned this recently, but what else do we do besides try to go out for a walk once a day? Yeah not much.

#OneInTheMorningFromYoutubeAndOneLiveOnZoomSoSheCanSeeOtherBabies

I have started to arrive early to them now as it’s usually the same class every day. Yesterday we were two minutes late and there was only one other Mum and baby there, so they were probably relieved that we turned up. Or maybe they were disappointed as they wanted the class to themselves?

#NextWeekItIsHalfTermAndTheLiveClassesAreNotOnSoINeedToStepMyMotheringGameUpABit

I like the live classes as it gives us something to aim for each day. I also like that I know she has had some ‘proper stimulation’, but I know most of the exercises/things we do off my heart now anyways.

#IKnowWeAreLuckyAndThatThingsCouldBeALotWorse

I feel bad whining as I know that a lot of people have lost and suffered a lot. I’m just pissed because my baby can’t meet a lot of my friends and I’m bored of WhatsApp groups. The group baby walk we were meant to go on got cancelled due to the smallest amount of snow…

#ButThisAllDoesSuckQuiteABit

Erghhhhhh.

#NowIWonderIfWeWillEvenBeAbleToSeeTiagosFamilyThisYear

There was talk on the TV yesterday about summer holidays. For now the rules are strict which is good BUT WHY WASN’T IT THIS STRICT 11 MONTHS AGO.

It must be hard for Tiago to not see his family/visit his home country/not be able to introduce his baby to everyone. He hasn’t even seen his London friends in over a year…

#IImaginedBsEarlyLifeToBeVeryDifferentThoughLuckilySheDoesNotKnowThatSheIsMissingOutOnThings

I was getting emotional writing all this. I had a conversation with a friend yesterday who feels like his young daughter is missing out. I said that I think it won’t affect them too much, but who knows.

It upset me that B cried so much when she last saw my Dad. Luckily she gets to see my Nan, Mum and younger sister on a regular basis in real life so that she does know more people really exist.

#IThinkIFailToMentionHowSupportiveTiagoIsAsWell #HeDoesALotForUsAndHeLooksAfterMyNanReallyWell

Of course he is B’s Dad, but it means a lot to me when he looks after her so I can do some work. He is more cheerful than me and has a strong positive presence which is great. He does spoil my Nan by buying her favourite fruit pies and he sits and talks to her while I work in the evenings.

#YesterdayBStartedToClapALittleBitWhichWasQuiteCute

She hasn’t done it yet today, but she was doing it before her first nap and then during her baby class and the teacher commented on it.

(Sad but when teacher’s praise B it makes me feel good. I need it.)

#IGotHerSomeFarmAnimalPuppetsAfterSeeingHerReactionToThemInHerBabyClasses

I spend a lot of the day making animal noises now. I was singing to her on the swing the other day and another Mum smiled at us as she went past with her baby. I felt a bit awkward as I realised she could probably hear me. Lately we seem to go to the playground at quiet times. It’s better for B as I talk/sing to her more while she swings, but she likes to look at other people…

#IThinkSheIsHappyButIJustWantHerToBeAbleToHangOutWithMorePeopleAndBabiesInRealLife #HopefullyWhenTheWeatherImprovesRulesWillHaveRelaxedABitAndWeCanJustSitOutsideWithMorePeople

Bring on the summerrrr. My Mum suggested getting some fake grass for the garden, so she can crawl around outside more. It’s all bricks outside at the moment, and it’d be nice to casually sit outside and not worry about the floor being too hard. We’ll see.

#HerSkinSeemsALittleBetterAtLeastButIThinkItWillTakeAWhileToReturnToNormal

This new ointment seems to keep her skin hydrated for longer. Hurrah.

#TalkingAboutMyWorkAgainThoughLastNightIHadADreamThatIWonACompetitionInTimorLeste

Random. It was an internet competition and I spent a lot of the dream trying to figure out when I entered it and what the prize was. I never found out. Probably for the best as I woke up disappointed that I had not won.

Awkward.

#IWasCryingOnThePhoneBecauseIFeltLikeINeededTheConfidenceBoostAndDidNotEvenCareAboutHowMuchTheCallWasCostingMe

Also awkward.

#TheWorkThatIWonWithWasReallyBizarreThoughLikePhotoshoppedSeascapesWithSeaCreaturesAndThings

Bizarre for me/my work.

#SoIWasBitGuttedThatItWasNotForMyMotherhoodProjectOrSomethingMoreMeaningfulToMe

Winners can’t be choosers?

#IGuessIAmFeelingABitLostAtTheMomentButItWillSoonPass

I rarely enter competitions now as I’d rather use the time to make work or do something with guaranteed results/an outcome, so I don’t think I’ll be winning anything soon.

I’ll get over it.


Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!