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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Probably Should Have Just Rested Instead Of Writing And Taking Such A Terrible Phone Photo (8th November 2020)

My lying in bed, looking teary.
I Probably Should Have Just Rested Instead Of Writing And Taking Such A Terrible Phone Photo (8th November 2020)
 
#IDoNotWantADayAwayFromB
#IJustWantADayWithoutResponsibilities
#ItIsFunnyHowBeforeIHadSoMuchFreeTime
#AndTookItAllForGranted
#YeahItIsNotFunnyAtAll
#IDoNotReallyKnowWhatIWantRightNow
#IGuessMoreTimeToJustFeelLikeMyself
#ThoughISupposeThisIsTheNewMeNow
#IFeelStressedAboutBsFeedingSituation
#DidISwitchToFormulaTooSoonAndCauseMyMilkToDryUpABit
#WasItEvenDryingUp
#IWishSheCouldCommunicateAboutHerTeething
#AndIfTheDrySkinSheHasHurts
#IJustFeelLikeICouldBeAMuchBetterParent
#IWonderIfBHadBeenBornDuringANonPandemicTimeIfThingsWouldBeDifferent
#ILikeToThinkItWouldHaveBeenBetterButMaybeItWouldNot
#SeeingMorePeopleAndBeingAbleToGoToClassesWouldHaveBeenGreatIAmSure
#TAndBJustCameToSeeMeLyingInBed
#BsSmileMakesItAllWorthIt
#INeedToGetUpAndStopWritingAndStopMoping
#IJustNeedToContinueTakingEachDayAtATime
#BabiesAreNotBornWithAHandbookSoWeHaveToKeepJustTryingToDoOurBest
#AndOneDayAllOfThisWillProbablyJustSeemLikeADistantMemory

(I wrote this post on 8th November. I’ve been dreading sharing it as the photo is so bad.)

I know recently that I said something along the lines of ‘at least I’m not taking pictures of myself crying anymore.’

(See two posts ago and my hashtag ‘#ThankfullyMyFirstInstinctIsNoLongerToTakeAPhotoOfMyselfCrying’)

Whoops.

I think at the moment I just feel quite overwhelmed one minute and frustrated the next, though I guess they’re the same thing.

I worry that I am failing B, but then I feel stressed that I am unable to make work.

This weekend we have been trying to make space for me to ‘do my own thing’. Poor Tiago is tired from a week of work and trying to give me some breaks from mothering, then he has few breaks at the weekend.

This morning we gave B a bath and I stayed in the bath a bit after while he got B dressed. He said he was jealous of me, but if he was by himself he wouldn’t be. I know exactly what he means. If he’s not around then I’m fine, but if he’s close by I get jealous of whatever he is doing. We both know we’re being stupid, but it’s how we feel.

I should have just had my 10 minutes in bed and relaxed, instead of taking some bad photos of myself and writing some text. As per usual though I do feel better after I’ve written something, and I feel like it’s important to show the realities of parenting. I know I’m not the only one who feels like this, so hopefully it might make someone else feel better.

#IDoNotWantADayAwayFromB #IJustWantADayWithoutResponsibilities #ItIsFunnyHowBeforeIHadSoMuchFreeTime #AndTookItAllForGranted #YeahItIsNotFunnyAtAll

Tiago always mentions a friend who once said he was tempted to book a day off work and go and sleep in a hotel, while his wife would think he was at work. This morning T was talking about going to a spa hotel for a weekend and just sleeping, relaxing and watching bad TV. Sounds great.

#IDoNotReallyKnowWhatIWantRightNow #IGuessMoreTimeToJustFeelLikeMyself #ThoughISupposeThisIsTheNewMeNow

By this, I just want time and space to make work. I have so many ideas and things I want to try it, but it just feels impossible at the moment. Hopefully by the time I publish this I’ll feel better.

#IFeelStressedAboutBsFeedingSituation #DidISwitchToFormulaTooSoonAndCauseMyMilkToDryUpABit #WasItEvenDryingUp

I think I just panicked. Thinking it though she only has a month and a bit until I plan to start giving her ‘normal food’. I am quite excited for the new phase and then I do not need to worry about my milk so much. So many babies are brought up on formula and they’re fine. She is still having some breastmilk a day. It’s so hard knowing what is best for her when we haven’t seen a ‘professional’ lately and B can’t talk.

#IWishSheCouldCommunicateAboutHerTeething

Today we put some spoons in the fridge and though they warm up quick in her mouth she seemed to like them.

#AndIfTheDrySkinSheHasHurts

They’re mainly under her arms. It’s probably from where we pick her up and her clothes rub against her skin. We’re putting cream on the patches but I still feed bad.

#IJustFeelLikeICouldBeAMuchBetterParent

Yep.

#IWonderIfBHadBeenBornDuringANonPandemicTimeIfThingsWouldBeDifferent #ILikeToThinkItWouldHaveBeenBetterButMaybeItWouldNot

It is hard to know, but I think things would be a lot different. We probably wouldn’t have moved to Birmingham though…

#SeeingMorePeopleAndBeingAbleToGoToClassesWouldHaveBeenGreatIAmSure

I seem a bit obsessed with wanting to go to classes. I just want to talk to other people in real life and let B be entertained in new ways.

#TAndBJustCameToSeeMeLyingInBed #BsSmileMakesItAllWorthIt

I felt so bad, yet good when B smiled at me.

#INeedToGetUpAndStopWritingAndStopMoping

What a way to spend my 10 minutes in bed…

#IJustNeedToContinueTakingEachDayAtATime

Yep.

#BabiesAreNotBornWithAHandbookSoWeHaveToKeepJustTryingToDoOurBest

Our old health visitor said the quote about babies and handbooks. We’ve still got about 2 weeks before our new one comes to visit.

#AndOneDayAllOfThisWillProbablyJustSeemLikeADistantMemory

And I’ll have this project to look back on and cringe at. 👍

(But also hopefully to laugh at the things that were bothering me, and to smile at the family photos and things.)


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