(I wrote this post on 8th November. I’ve been dreading sharing it as the photo is so bad.)
I know recently that I said something along the lines of ‘at least I’m not taking pictures of myself crying anymore.’
(See two posts ago and my hashtag ‘#ThankfullyMyFirstInstinctIsNoLongerToTakeAPhotoOfMyselfCrying’)
I think at the moment I just feel quite overwhelmed one minute and frustrated the next, though I guess they’re the same thing.
I worry that I am failing B, but then I feel stressed that I am unable to make work.
This weekend we have been trying to make space for me to ‘do my own thing’. Poor Tiago is tired from a week of work and trying to give me some breaks from mothering, then he has few breaks at the weekend.
This morning we gave B a bath and I stayed in the bath a bit after while he got B dressed. He said he was jealous of me, but if he was by himself he wouldn’t be. I know exactly what he means. If he’s not around then I’m fine, but if he’s close by I get jealous of whatever he is doing. We both know we’re being stupid, but it’s how we feel.
I should have just had my 10 minutes in bed and relaxed, instead of taking some bad photos of myself and writing some text. As per usual though I do feel better after I’ve written something, and I feel like it’s important to show the realities of parenting. I know I’m not the only one who feels like this, so hopefully it might make someone else feel better.
#IDoNotWantADayAwayFromB #IJustWantADayWithoutResponsibilities #ItIsFunnyHowBeforeIHadSoMuchFreeTime #AndTookItAllForGranted #YeahItIsNotFunnyAtAll
Tiago always mentions a friend who once said he was tempted to book a day off work and go and sleep in a hotel, while his wife would think he was at work. This morning T was talking about going to a spa hotel for a weekend and just sleeping, relaxing and watching bad TV. Sounds great.
#IDoNotReallyKnowWhatIWantRightNow #IGuessMoreTimeToJustFeelLikeMyself #ThoughISupposeThisIsTheNewMeNow
By this, I just want time and space to make work. I have so many ideas and things I want to try it, but it just feels impossible at the moment. Hopefully by the time I publish this I’ll feel better.
#IFeelStressedAboutBsFeedingSituation #DidISwitchToFormulaTooSoonAndCauseMyMilkToDryUpABit #WasItEvenDryingUp
I think I just panicked. Thinking it though she only has a month and a bit until I plan to start giving her ‘normal food’. I am quite excited for the new phase and then I do not need to worry about my milk so much. So many babies are brought up on formula and they’re fine. She is still having some breastmilk a day. It’s so hard knowing what is best for her when we haven’t seen a ‘professional’ lately and B can’t talk.
Today we put some spoons in the fridge and though they warm up quick in her mouth she seemed to like them.
They’re mainly under her arms. It’s probably from where we pick her up and her clothes rub against her skin. We’re putting cream on the patches but I still feed bad.
It is hard to know, but I think things would be a lot different. We probably wouldn’t have moved to Birmingham though…
I seem a bit obsessed with wanting to go to classes. I just want to talk to other people in real life and let B be entertained in new ways.
I felt so bad, yet good when B smiled at me.
What a way to spend my 10 minutes in bed…
Our old health visitor said the quote about babies and handbooks. We’ve still got about 2 weeks before our new one comes to visit.
And I’ll have this project to look back on and cringe at. 👍
(But also hopefully to laugh at the things that were bothering me, and to smile at the family photos and things.)
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