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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Feeling A Bit More Like My Old Self (16th November 2020)

Phone photo of my computer screen showing me on zoom
Feeling A Bit More Like My Old Self (16th November 2020)
 
#PerhapsThisImageLooksMoreLikeIHaveBeenCalledInForQuestioningAtAFloweryPoliceStation
#ThanMeSatWaitingForStudentsToJoinAnOnlineTutorialSession
#TypicallyIActuallyWashedMyHairForItLastNightButThenHadMyHairUpMostOfTheDayAsItWasAnnoyingMe
#TodayWasTheLongestIHadSpentNotMotheringB
#IDidAnOnlineTalkAndSomeTutorialsAndItFeltSoGoodToBeDoingSomethingElseForAChange
#IDoEnjoyBeingWithBAndIAmGratefulToHaveHer
#IFeelLikeIDoComplainTooMuchButItHasBeenAnIntenseFivePlusMonthsOfMothering
#IKnowThatWeAreLuckyAndQuitePrivilegedAsAFamilySoIShouldWhineLess
#IWasNotPlanningToUseThisPictureForTheProjectButIJustSawItOnMyPhoneAndThoughtWhyNot
#IWasSupposedToDoAShootYesterday
#IWasPlanningAFamilyShootButThoughTheDayGotOffToAProductiveStart
#WeManagedToBreakTheGarageDoorAndSpentALotOfTimeFaffingWithThat
#SoWeDidNotGoForAWalkAndIDidNotManageToOrganiseMyWorkSpaceOrDoMuchWork
#InOtherNewsWeGotASecondHandFormulaPrepMachineTheOtherDayAndItIsLifeChanging
#NoMoreSettingAlarmsToRememberToBoilWaterOrFranticallyTryingToCoolTheMilkDown
#AndNowThatBIs5MonthsIAmTryingToDropOneOfHerNaps
#IAlsoRealisedThatIHaveBeenWayTooStrictWithHerScheduleAndFrettingAboutHerWakeWindowsAndThings
#SoTheOtherDayIChilledOutABitWithItToAllowHerToGoToBedAroundSevenFifteenIsh
#ThoughTheLast2NightsSheHasGoneToBedEarlierDueToTryingToDropTheThirdNap
#SheHasWokeUpOnceInTheNightAndSheWasAwakeLongerThanNeedBeAsITriedNotToFeedHer
#OnceYouLiftHerOutOfTheCotToChangeHerNappyThoughYouHaveToFeedHerOrSheWillNotSleep
#ButOnceSheIsFedSheIsQuiteContentAndGoesBackToSleepAlright
#YesterdayIFeltBadAsSheWokeUpAt8InTheMorningAndIDidFretABitAboutHerSchedule
#SoTodayISetAnAlarmFor7OnceSheWentBackToSleep
#IFeelMorePositiveButLetUsSeeHowLongItLasts
#INeededADayToDoSomethingDifferentAndFeelLikeMoreThanJustAMother
#NotThatThereIsAnythingWrongWithJustBeingAMother
#IJustWasNotPreparedForHowMuchMyLifeWouldChangeWithABaby
#INeedToStretchAsIHaveNotInTheLastCoupleOfDaysAndIAcheFromAllTheBabyCarryingAndStuffMoving

(I wrote this post on 16th November.)

#PerhapsThisImageLooksMoreLikeIHaveBeenCalledInForQuestioningAtAFloweryPoliceStation #ThanMeSatWaitingForStudentsToJoinAnOnlineTutorialSession

Not that I have ever been called in for questioning at a police station, but it does look like I’ve been up to something.

#TypicallyIActuallyWashedMyHairForItLastNightButThenHadMyHairUpMostOfTheDayAsItWasAnnoyingMe

I was not going to wash it, but I thought I should make the effort. My hair looked quite good at 2am, but I brushed it when I got up and it looked bad.

Not that I usually care about my hair, but I thought I better make the effort for an online talk. (There were 50ish people in the end – thanks University of Hertfordshire.)

#TodayWasTheLongestIHadSpentNotMotheringB

I spent about 6 hours away from her in the end.

#IDidAnOnlineTalkAndSomeTutorialsAndItFeltSoGoodToBeDoingSomethingElseForAChange

It was like a flashback to my pre-baby life.

#IDoEnjoyBeingWithBAndIAmGratefulToHaveHer

I do appreciate her, but it is a full-on job.

#IFeelLikeIDoComplainTooMuchButItHasBeenAnIntense5PlusMonthsOfMothering

5+ months of mothering and we’ve only been to one baby class in real life, and haven’t had many chances to hang out with friends lately.

#IKnowThatWeAreLuckyAndQuitePrivilegedAsAFamilySoIShouldWhineLess

I am lucky to have Tiago, and for my Nan to provide an extra pair of eyes now. We’re very fortunate and I really need to get over myself and whine less.

#IWasNotPlanningToUseThisPictureForTheProjectButIJustSawItOnMyPhoneAndThoughtWhyNot

I was just going to post it on my Instagram stories, but I saw the ‘potential’ of it.

Did I ever think that I’d be including a photo of my computer screen in a project? No. To be fair I probably have done it before in other projects that aren’t shown or it may have been edited out of one series.

#IWasSupposedToDoAShootYesterday #IWasPlanningAFamilyShootButThoughTheDayGotOffToAProductiveStart

Yeah, I thought it was probably time to do another family shoot.

#WeManagedToBreakTheGarageDoorAndSpentALotOfTimeFaffingWithThat

Great.

#SoWeDidNotGoForAWalkAndIDidNotManageToOrganiseMyWorkSpaceOrDoMuchWork

Perfect.

I feel like weekends are my best time to get things done, but Tiago is always tired and at the moment we are trying to organise our stuff. I’ll just have to do it this week…

I felt bad that I only did one shoot last week, but I did spend a lot of time preparing my presentation – cutting out some projects and adding in newer stuff.

#InOtherNewsWeGotASecondHandFormulaPrepMachineTheOtherDayAndItIsLifeChanging

It’s an absolute gamechanger. I wasn’t going to bother for a month or so (we’re not sure for how long we will formula feed her), but after talking to a friend I was swayed.

#NoMoreSettingAlarmsToRememberToBoilWaterOrFranticallyTryingToCoolTheMilkDown

It’s always a faff when an alarm doesn’t get set and you have a very upset baby to deal with…

#AndNowThatBIs5MonthsIAmTryingToDropOneOfHerNaps

She is supposed to nap less during the day, which means potentially less time to do things. Fun.

#IAlsoRealisedThatIHaveBeenWayTooStrictWithHerScheduleAndFrettingAboutHerWakeWindowsAndThings

I am not sure why I have been so obsessed. Possibly, because we’re dealing with a second lockdown and I can’t go anywhere? True.

I was like ‘she has to be awake for 90 minutes, then 105 minutes twice, then 120 minutes. She can’t go to bed unless she has been awake for those full wake windows’. So some days her bedtime was getting a bit later.

#SoTheOtherDayIChilledOutABitWithItToAllowHerToGoToBedAroundSevenFifteenIsh

Great. Does she wake up after a bit? Yes. Everyday is a new day though, and it means we have a bit more time in the evening to do things.

#ThoughTheLast2NightsSheHasGoneToBedEarlierDueToTryingToDropTheThirdNap

Yeah, things get a bit messed up by the evening. I am learning to be flexible though…

#SheHasWokeUpOnceInTheNightAndSheWasAwakeLongerThanNeedBeAsITriedNotToFeedHer

This is about the last two nights. I just hoped that she would go back to sleep both times as she wasn’t being too loud.

#OnceYouLiftHerOutOfTheCotToChangeHerNappyThoughYouHaveToFeedHerOrSheWillNotSleep

Sometimes I think she just needs her nappy changed, but then she gets rowdy.

#ButOnceSheIsFedSheIsQuiteContentAndGoesBackToSleepAlright

Last night I got away with breastfeeding her, but the night before we had to give her some formula as she would not breastfeed.

#YesterdayIFeltBadAsSheWokeUpAt8InTheMorningAndIDidFretABitAboutHerSchedule

Whoops. It was Sunday. I need to chill more…

#SoTodayISetAnAlarmFor7OnceSheWentBackToSleep

And then I wished that I had not set one incase she slept longer.

#IFeelMorePositiveButLetUsSeeHowLongItLasts

After being reunited with B I did feel knackered after 5 minutes.

#INeededADayToDoSomethingDifferentAndFeelLikeMoreThanJustAMother

It is good for me and good for her.

#NotThatThereIsAnythingWrongWithJustBeingAMother

Kudos to women who can just be with their kid for 24/7.

#IJustWasNotPreparedForHowMuchMyLifeWouldChangeWithABaby

You can imagine it, but it’s hard to actually imagine it.

#INeedToStretchAsIHaveNotInTheLastCoupleOfDaysAndIAcheFromAllTheBabyCarryingAndStuffMoving

I did do a baby yoga class today this morning actually, but it’s not the same as just doing a video by myself.

I’m going to go stretch now…


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Dancing To Madonna And Kylie (10th November 2020)

Me dancing at home
Dancing To Madonna And Kylie (10th November 2020)
 
#ErghIFeelQuiteSickNow
#ThisWasGoingToBeJustCalledDancingToMadonnaAsIWasDancingToDressYouUp
#ButInYourEyesByKylieSnuckIntoMyHead
#YeahIWasNotActuallyPlayingTheMusic
#BIsAsleepNowAndIDoNotWantToRiskWakingHerUp
#IThoughtAboutUsingTiagosHeadphonesButIThoughtIShouldBeAbleToHearBIfSheWakesUp
#IAmTryingToBeMorePositiveAboutThingsEvenIfIDidWakeUpThisMorningFeelingAwful
#AndIDidHaveACryThisAfternoon
#IWokeBUpFromANapTodayByPlayingMadonnaAndDancingAndSingingAlongToIt
#IThenWentToGetHerWhenSheWokeUpFromANapAndIDidTheSameThing
#IWasPlayingCelebrationOnThoseOccasions
#ButIHaveBeenDoingALotOfNappyChangesAndFlannelWashesToDressYouUpRecently
#ThoughMaybeThatSongIsNotAppropriateToSingToABaby
#IHaveEnjoyedPlayingPapaDontPreachToHerAsILikeTheLineAboutHerNotBeingABaby
#AndThenISayButYouAre
#HaHaHa
#YouHaveGotToGetYourKicksAndLaughsSomehowDuringTheseWeirdTimes
#IStillFeelSick
#ITriedToGetBAnAppointmentForTheDoctorsAsIThinkSheMightHaveSomethingWrongWithHerEyes
#TheyHadNoAppointmentsForTodayAndAnotherPlaceDidNotAnswerSoIWillSeeHowSheIsTomorrow
#HerBottomEyelashesSeemToBeGrowingUpwards
#ButApparentlyThisIsNormalAndWillBeCorrectedAsSheGetsMoreFatInHerLowerEyelid
#IWasWorriedAboutHerEyesBeingABitGunkyAndHerRubbingThemALot
#TodayIJustFeltBadBecauseOfHerEyesAndTeethingAndBlockedNose
#ItIsAllFunAndGames
#ThisWasSupposedToBeAMorePositiveDiaryEntryOrWhateverThisIs
#WellAPositiveThingIsThatIDidThisShootInMyLittleStudioSlashOfficeRoom
#ItStillNeedsALotMoreOrganisingAndRearrangingButHopefullyICanStartToWorkOnOtherThingsSoon
#ThingsThatDoNotRequireMeToWriteLotsAndLots
#AndLetMeEscapeFromTheMonotonousNatureOfDayToDayLife

#ErghIFeelQuiteSickNow

It’s 10th November and I haven’t chosen a picture from the shoot yet, but there was a lot of fast head turning…

(27th November – I chose this one as I think it really looks like I’ve been caught dancing on a dancefloor somewhere, though I’m just at home with my baby asleep in the next room.)

#ThisWasGoingToBeJustCalledDancingToMadonnaAsIWasDancingToDressYouUp #ButInYourEyesByKylieSnuckIntoMyHead

It’s funny how a song that you haven’t heard in ages just creeps into your head. There was a Kylie question on a quiz show the other day, but I don’t think ‘In Your Eyes’ was mentioned. My sister keeps telling me to listen to her new album, but I’ve only managed to get a couple of songs in so far.

(

27th: Oh, I’ve managed to dance to one of them now. Someone commented ‘horrible’ – I’m guessing about my dancing.

)

Am I going to get sued for using their names in an image title? I don’t think so. I hope not.

#YeahIWasNotActuallyPlayingTheMusic

I’m so cool.

#BIsAsleepNowAndIDoNotWantToRiskWakingHerUp

I’m so sensible.

#IThoughtAboutUsingTiagosHeadphonesButIThoughtIShouldBeAbleToHearBIfSheWakesUp

I’m so responsible.

#IAmTryingToBeMorePositiveAboutThingsEvenIfIDidWakeUpThisMorningFeelingAwful

I just felt ready to crack. Tiago stayed in bed a lot longer today. I tried to do some work and did some stretching, but got back into bed thinking B would wake up 10 minutes later. However, she did have a very long nap.

#AndIDidHaveACryThisAfternoon

I need to start listening to podcasts and things on my daily walk again. I seem to come back from walks feeling worse, when I used to come back feeling better.

#IWokeBUpFromANapTodayByPlayingMadonnaAndDancingAndSingingAlongToIt #IThenWentToGetHerWhenSheWokeUpFromANapAndIDidTheSameThing

I seem to have started this since moving to Birmingham, but maybe I did do it before. Our time in Liverpool feels so long ago now, though it’s only been 2 and a half weeks? Weird.

#IWasPlayingCelebrationOnThoseOccasions

It’s definitely a song for putting you in a good mood. (It’s a Madonna song.)

#ButIHaveBeenDoingALotOfNappyChangesAndFlannelWashesToDressYouUpRecently

I love the choreography in this video – particularly the chorus where her knee comes up and in (yeah, that’s a bad explanation).

#ThoughMaybeThatSongIsNotAppropriateToSingToABaby

Well, I cringe at some of the songs that I used to sing obliviously when I was a kid.

#IHaveEnjoyedPlayingPapaDontPreachToHerAsILikeTheLineAboutHerNotBeingABaby

I always think of the Kelly Osbourne version of this song too and I can see why it seemed like an obvious song choice for her.

#AndThenISayButYouAre #HaHaHa

Yeah, I’m probably the only one laughing at this.

#YouHaveGotToGetYourKicksAndLaughsSomehowDuringTheseWeirdTimes

Exactly.

#IStillFeelSick

I’m still a bit dizzy.

#ITriedToGetBAnAppointmentForTheDoctorsAsIThinkSheMightHaveSomethingWrongWithHerEyes #TheyHadNoAppointmentsForTodayAndAnotherPlaceDidNotAnswerSoIWillSeeHowSheIsTomorrow

Babies are stressful.

#HerBottomEyelashesSeemToBeGrowingUpwards #ButApparentlyThisIsNormalAndWillBeCorrectedAsSheGetsMoreFatInHerLowerEyelid

Hello Doctor Search Engine.

#IWasWorriedAboutHerEyesBeingABitGunkyAndHerRubbingThemALot

This could be from her eyelashes or something else. Great.

#TodayIJustFeltBadBecauseOfHerEyesAndTeethingAndBlockedNose

It just makes me feel terrible.

#ItIsAllFunAndGames

Stress. It’s mainly stress. But then she smiles and I know she can’t be feeling too bad.

#ThisWasSupposedToBeAMorePositiveDiaryEntryOrWhateverThisIs

Me dancing and making myself feel sick, but shaking the tiredness off.

#WellAPositiveThingIsThatIDidThisShootInMyLittleStudioSlashOfficeRoom

Hurrah.

#ItStillNeedsALotMoreOrganisingAndRearrangingButHopefullyICanStartToWorkOnOtherThingsSoon

Well, all of our stuff needs organising and rearranging, but that’ll probably be an ongoing task until we move out. Whenever that is.

#ThingsThatDoNotRequireMeToWriteLotsAndLots

The writing side of this project is therapeutic, but it is a bit much sometimes.

#AndLetMeEscapeFromTheMonotonousNatureOfDayToDayLife

Again, I love B, but I just wish our days were a bit different. I’ve looked at going to some baby classes, so hopefully we might be able to soon. I’m so used to her schedule now though that I’m worried about being away from home and getting out of a routine. That’s the problem with not having to deal with randomness or adjustments because we haven’t been able to do much, but we just have to roll with it as we need to get out and live life a bit.

Another positive is that I managed to wash my hair. Hurrah. Shame you can’t see my pyjama bottoms in the picture.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Probably Should Have Just Rested Instead Of Writing And Taking Such A Terrible Phone Photo (8th November 2020)

My lying in bed, looking teary.
I Probably Should Have Just Rested Instead Of Writing And Taking Such A Terrible Phone Photo (8th November 2020)
 
#IDoNotWantADayAwayFromB
#IJustWantADayWithoutResponsibilities
#ItIsFunnyHowBeforeIHadSoMuchFreeTime
#AndTookItAllForGranted
#YeahItIsNotFunnyAtAll
#IDoNotReallyKnowWhatIWantRightNow
#IGuessMoreTimeToJustFeelLikeMyself
#ThoughISupposeThisIsTheNewMeNow
#IFeelStressedAboutBsFeedingSituation
#DidISwitchToFormulaTooSoonAndCauseMyMilkToDryUpABit
#WasItEvenDryingUp
#IWishSheCouldCommunicateAboutHerTeething
#AndIfTheDrySkinSheHasHurts
#IJustFeelLikeICouldBeAMuchBetterParent
#IWonderIfBHadBeenBornDuringANonPandemicTimeIfThingsWouldBeDifferent
#ILikeToThinkItWouldHaveBeenBetterButMaybeItWouldNot
#SeeingMorePeopleAndBeingAbleToGoToClassesWouldHaveBeenGreatIAmSure
#TAndBJustCameToSeeMeLyingInBed
#BsSmileMakesItAllWorthIt
#INeedToGetUpAndStopWritingAndStopMoping
#IJustNeedToContinueTakingEachDayAtATime
#BabiesAreNotBornWithAHandbookSoWeHaveToKeepJustTryingToDoOurBest
#AndOneDayAllOfThisWillProbablyJustSeemLikeADistantMemory

(I wrote this post on 8th November. I’ve been dreading sharing it as the photo is so bad.)

I know recently that I said something along the lines of ‘at least I’m not taking pictures of myself crying anymore.’

(See two posts ago and my hashtag ‘#ThankfullyMyFirstInstinctIsNoLongerToTakeAPhotoOfMyselfCrying’)

Whoops.

I think at the moment I just feel quite overwhelmed one minute and frustrated the next, though I guess they’re the same thing.

I worry that I am failing B, but then I feel stressed that I am unable to make work.

This weekend we have been trying to make space for me to ‘do my own thing’. Poor Tiago is tired from a week of work and trying to give me some breaks from mothering, then he has few breaks at the weekend.

This morning we gave B a bath and I stayed in the bath a bit after while he got B dressed. He said he was jealous of me, but if he was by himself he wouldn’t be. I know exactly what he means. If he’s not around then I’m fine, but if he’s close by I get jealous of whatever he is doing. We both know we’re being stupid, but it’s how we feel.

I should have just had my 10 minutes in bed and relaxed, instead of taking some bad photos of myself and writing some text. As per usual though I do feel better after I’ve written something, and I feel like it’s important to show the realities of parenting. I know I’m not the only one who feels like this, so hopefully it might make someone else feel better.

#IDoNotWantADayAwayFromB #IJustWantADayWithoutResponsibilities #ItIsFunnyHowBeforeIHadSoMuchFreeTime #AndTookItAllForGranted #YeahItIsNotFunnyAtAll

Tiago always mentions a friend who once said he was tempted to book a day off work and go and sleep in a hotel, while his wife would think he was at work. This morning T was talking about going to a spa hotel for a weekend and just sleeping, relaxing and watching bad TV. Sounds great.

#IDoNotReallyKnowWhatIWantRightNow #IGuessMoreTimeToJustFeelLikeMyself #ThoughISupposeThisIsTheNewMeNow

By this, I just want time and space to make work. I have so many ideas and things I want to try it, but it just feels impossible at the moment. Hopefully by the time I publish this I’ll feel better.

#IFeelStressedAboutBsFeedingSituation #DidISwitchToFormulaTooSoonAndCauseMyMilkToDryUpABit #WasItEvenDryingUp

I think I just panicked. Thinking it though she only has a month and a bit until I plan to start giving her ‘normal food’. I am quite excited for the new phase and then I do not need to worry about my milk so much. So many babies are brought up on formula and they’re fine. She is still having some breastmilk a day. It’s so hard knowing what is best for her when we haven’t seen a ‘professional’ lately and B can’t talk.

#IWishSheCouldCommunicateAboutHerTeething

Today we put some spoons in the fridge and though they warm up quick in her mouth she seemed to like them.

#AndIfTheDrySkinSheHasHurts

They’re mainly under her arms. It’s probably from where we pick her up and her clothes rub against her skin. We’re putting cream on the patches but I still feed bad.

#IJustFeelLikeICouldBeAMuchBetterParent

Yep.

#IWonderIfBHadBeenBornDuringANonPandemicTimeIfThingsWouldBeDifferent #ILikeToThinkItWouldHaveBeenBetterButMaybeItWouldNot

It is hard to know, but I think things would be a lot different. We probably wouldn’t have moved to Birmingham though…

#SeeingMorePeopleAndBeingAbleToGoToClassesWouldHaveBeenGreatIAmSure

I seem a bit obsessed with wanting to go to classes. I just want to talk to other people in real life and let B be entertained in new ways.

#TAndBJustCameToSeeMeLyingInBed #BsSmileMakesItAllWorthIt

I felt so bad, yet good when B smiled at me.

#INeedToGetUpAndStopWritingAndStopMoping

What a way to spend my 10 minutes in bed…

#IJustNeedToContinueTakingEachDayAtATime

Yep.

#BabiesAreNotBornWithAHandbookSoWeHaveToKeepJustTryingToDoOurBest

Our old health visitor said the quote about babies and handbooks. We’ve still got about 2 weeks before our new one comes to visit.

#AndOneDayAllOfThisWillProbablyJustSeemLikeADistantMemory

And I’ll have this project to look back on and cringe at. 👍

(But also hopefully to laugh at the things that were bothering me, and to smile at the family photos and things.)


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Squeezing Through Doors And Hoping They Don’t Squeak (4th November 2020)

Me squeezed through the door and looking at the camera.
Squeezing Through Doors And Hoping They Don’t Squeak (4th November 2020)
 
#WellMyPeriodHasFinallyRememberedHowToWorkProperlyWhichIsABitAnnoying
#IWasHopingThatIWouldGetAwayWithItForABitLongerButAtLeastTheyDoNotSeemAsPainfulAsTheyUsedToBe
#PerhapsMyBodyKnowsThatIAmNotBreastfeedingSoMuch
#BIsHavingUpTo3FormulaFeedsADayNowAndTheRestOfTheTimeIBreastfeedHerOrGiveHerExpressedMilk
#IAmWorriedThatMaybeIAmOverfeedingHerButBeforeIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnough
#SheIsRarelySickThoughAndTodayIWillDoAWeaningClassSoWeWillStartThatSoon
#TheLastCoupleOfNightsIHaveHadToSqueezeThroughASqueakyBathroomDoorToGetToMyPads
#IHaveToBeCarefulThatItDoesNotWakeBUpAsIEdgeItOpenLittleByLittle
#LastNightSheSleptThroughTheNightForWhatFeltLikeTheFirstTimeInAges
#WeHadNotGivenHerParacetamolInAFewDaysButSheWasDribblingSoMuchYesterday
#AndSheWasQuiteHappyToChompDownOnMyFingerForALongTime
#ThoughSheSleptIStillWokeUpQuiteRegularlyButLuckilyISeemAbleToGoBackToSleepPrettyQuick
#SheIsAsleepNowButIKeepThinkingThatICanHearHer
#IThinkMyBrainSometimesImaginesBabyCries
#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAboutHerHoarseVoice
#TheyCalledBackAtTheEndOfTheDayAndHeSaidJustToKeepMonitoringHerForAWeek
#ISaidItIsDifficultToDoTheAppointmentOverThePhoneAsSheDoesNotMakeSoundsOnCue
#IPreferThePhoneAppointmentsButSometimesInPersonSeemsBetter
#SheSeemsQuiteHappyThoughReallyConsideringThatSheIsUnderTheWeatherAndIsTeethingAndIsHavingADevelopmentalLeap
#TiagoTookTheDayOffWorkTodayToGoBackAndDoOneLastCleanOfOurFlatInLiverpool
#LastTimeHeLeftHomeBefore8amAndGotBackAt10pmAndHeStillHadNotFinished
#IWillBeGladWhenTodayIsOverSoThatWeCanFocusOnUnpackingThisWeekend
#WithEnglandGoingIntoASecondLockdownTomorrowIAmGladWeMovedWhenWeDid
#ThoughMovingIntoSomeoneElsesHomePresentsNewChallenges
#IFeelLikeThisProjectWillGetLessHonestAsIFeelUnableToTalkAboutEverythingAsIDoNotWantToAppearUngrateful
#IThinkSoonIWillDropThisProjectDownToOneShootAWeekUnlessAnythingMajorHappens
#OurDaysArePrettyMuchTheSame
#IAmJustObsessivelyTryingToFollowAScheduleForHerAndWorkingIfICanWhenSheSleeps
#ThoughDuringOneOfHerNapsITakeHerForAWalkWhichICurrentlyJustDaydreamThroughAsICanNotFindMyEarphones
#IWouldLikeToMakeSomeWorkWhereICanEscapeFromTheMonotomyOfOurLives

I wrote this on 4th November and forgot what an overshare it might have been…

#WellMyPeriodHasFinallyRememberedHowToWorkProperlyWhichIsABitAnnoying #IWasHopingThatIWouldGetAwayWithItForABitLongerButAtLeastTheyDoNotSeemAsPainfulAsTheyUsedToBe

I am hoping it stays this way.

#PerhapsMyBodyKnowsThatIAmNotBreastfeedingSoMuch

It has coincided with the first week of more formula feeds, but it could be a coincidence?

#BIsHavingUpTo3FormulaFeedsADayNowAndTheRestOfTheTimeIBreastfeedHerOrGiveHerExpressedMilk

Apparently some women breastfeed and get their periods straight away?

My feeding schedule does vary a bit at the moment, but for example today so far it’s been breastfeed, formula, breastfeed, formula… and I am planning to try to breastfeed next, then a bottle of expressed milk for the dream feed.

#IAmWorriedThatMaybeIAmOverfeedingHerButBeforeIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnough #SheIsRarelySickThoughSoMaybeSheIsHungrierTheseDays

With breastfeeding it is hard to know how much she is getting. With formula I know it is 210ml, then with feeding expressed milk it’s usually around 100ml.

#ThisImageIsAboutTheFactThatTheLastCoupleOfNightsIHaveHadToSqueezeThroughASqueakyBathroomDoorToGetToMyPads #IHaveToBeCarefulThatItDoesNotWakeBUpAsIEdgeItOpenLittleByLittle

The night my period arrived, T and B were already in bed so I was trying to rummage around to find them. The next day I realised they were in the bathroom, but when I needed a new one the bathroom door was closed.

It made me laugh trying to open it a little bit then trying to squeeze through and repeat. Last night I realised the door was closed again, so I had to do the same thing and noted the shoot idea down.

Writing this I realise that I need to make sure I move them out of the bathroom…

#LastNightSheSleptThroughTheNightForWhatFeltLikeTheFirstTimeInAges

Giving her formula so late in the day means that her nappy is always super heavy in the night. I end up changing it at 2am or whatever which upsets her and then I have to feed her.

#WeHadNotGivenHerParacetamolInAFewDaysButSheWasDribblingSoMuchYesterday #AndSheWasQuiteHappyToChompDownOnMyFingerForALongTime

It is so hard to know if she is in pain or not. I was cautious about giving her it as someone said that some parents just use it to make their kids drowsy, so I worry about using it for no reason. Pain might be why she hasn’t been sleeping through the night though…

#ThoughSheSleptIStillWokeUpQuiteRegularlyButLuckilyISeemAbleToGoBackToSleepPrettyQuick

It takes me so long to fall asleep at first as my brain is overthinking thing, but usually I do fall asleep quickly during the night.

#SheIsAsleepNowButIKeepThinkingThatICanHearHer #IThinkMyBrainSometimesImaginesBabyCries

I am writing this during her last nap of the day and I keep think I can hear her again. She went down too easily for this time of the day…

#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAboutHerHoarseVoice #TheyCalledBackAtTheEndOfTheDayAndHeSaidJustToKeepMonitoringHerForAWeek

I feel like today she hasn’t made that much noise, but it does seem to be getting a little bit better.

#ISaidItIsDifficultToDoTheAppointmentOverThePhoneAsSheDoesNotMakeSoundsOnCue

He got a bit annoyed at me saying that it is hard over the phone. I said I understand why they’re on the phone… I still haven’t heard from the health visitor yet. It will be good when they finally visit, though I am nervous.

#IPreferThePhoneAppointmentsButSometimesInPersonSeemsBetter

It’d be nice for her just to be checked over and so that I know everything is okay.

I am nervous that I might get told off for whatever reason though.

#SheSeemsQuiteHappyThoughReallyConsideringThatSheIsUnderTheWeatherAndIsTeethingAndIsHavingADevelopmentalLeap

She’s a bit clingy and I have to rush to do things sometimes, but she does seem okay.

#TiagoTookTheDayOffWorkTodayToGoBackAndDoOneLastCleanOfOurFlatInLiverpool #LastTimeHeLeftHomeBefore8amAndGotBackAt10pmAndHeStillHadNotFinished

Bless him. I feel bad that I can’t help him. It’s 5pm now and he thinks he’ll be there until 7pm at least. He left at around 7am…

#IWillBeGladWhenTodayIsOverSoThatWeCanFocusOnUnpackingThisWeekend

I really just want to have some things put away and to sort through our stuff, and to have some space to make work.

#WithEnglandGoingIntoASecondLockdownTomorrowIAmGladWeMovedWhenWeDid

Maybe it will only be 4 weeks, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is much longer.

#ThoughMovingIntoSomeoneElsesHomePresentsNewChallenges

I feel like perhaps this project won’t be as honest as it usually is. Well, it’ll still be honest but I feel unable to talk about some things as I don’t want to be seen as ungrateful.

It’s a difficult time for everyone right now in some way. For me I think I would feel a lot better if I could just have more conversations with people face to face and go to baby classes.

#INowKnowWithParentsThatItIsBestNotToGiveAdviceUnlessTheyAskForItAndIGuessTheSameAppliesForAllPeopleAndSubjects

Perhaps this a polite way of saying that I do not like being made to feel that I am a bad parent and that I do not know what is wrong with my child. It might not be their intention when they say things, but that is how it makes me feel.

#IThinkSoonIWillDropThisProjectDownToOneShootAWeekUnlessAnythingMajorHappens

The writing side of this takes up so much time. I could change it, but I feel like I am letting myself down in some way.

#OurDaysArePrettyMuchTheSame #IAmJustObsessivelyTryingToFollowAScheduleForHerAndWorkingIfICanWhenSheSleeps

I seem to have things to talk about, but I am sure some weeks nothing much will happen. Perhaps I just need to shorten my writing at times?

#ThoughDuringOneOfHerNapsITakeHerForAWalkWhichICurrentlyJustDaydreamThroughAsICanNotFindMyEarphonesToListenToThings

It is quite nice to actually not listen to anything and just let my brain be free for a bit. I don’t really do it enough.

Today I saw a few women with pushchairs/prams. I wanted to talk to them, but I didn’t want them to think I was weird.

#IWouldLikeToMakeSomeWorkWhereICanEscapeFromTheMonotomyOfOurLives

I don’t know when I can make a dance video again. Maybe next week? I just need to make space for it, or just totally change how I do them.

This project is too involved with scrutinising what I am doing and how things are. I need to have some art fun…


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Twinning With My Child In My Nan’s (And Now Our) Home (31st October 2020)

Twinning With My Child In My Nan’s (And Now Our) Home (31st October 2020)
 
#WellIAmWritingTheseHashtagsInHopeThatIGetToTakeThisPhotoToday
#TheMorningDidNotStartWell
#TiagoHasGoneToLiverpoolToCleanTheFlatAndHandInTheKeys
#BHasAHoarseVoiceAndSeemsABitUnderTheWeather
#UsuallyHerFirstNapOfTheDayIsTheEasiestButSheWouldNotGoToSleep
#IFedHerAndGaveHerSomeParacetamolAsSheSeemsToStillBeTeething
#YouAreSupposedToGiveItABitAtATimeButIAccidentallyPushedTheSyringeAllTheWayIn
#ICriedABitAsIFeltSoOverwhelmed
#ThankfullyMyFirstInstinctIsNoLongerToTakeAPhotoOfMyselfCrying
#EventuallySheSleptAndIPlannedToGetThingsDone
#ButIGotNothingDone
#WeAreGivingHerMoreFormulaFeedsNow
#ItIsSuchAFaffButAtLeastIKnowSheIsGettingEnoughToEat
#IHaveSignedUpForAWeaningClassButIHopeICanChangeItToNextWeekInstead
#AsMaybeIShouldStartSoonerRatherThanLater
#SheDefinitelySeemsInterestedInFood
#IHaveSetUpMyCameraToTakeAPhotoOfBAndIOnMyNansRug
#ITookASimilarPhotoOnMyParentsCarpetAsItCarpetRemindsMeSoMuchOfTheirHouse
#WhereasThisRugIsVeryMuchMyNansHouseToMe
#IWasWaitingForBsStomachToSettleAfterHerFeedToTakeThePhoto
#IThoughtIShouldRestartMyComputerButThereWasAnUpdate
#ObviouslyItTookOverAnHourToComeBackOnSoIMissedThatWindowForPhotos
#TheHealthVisitorCalledMeTheOtherDayAndSaidMyDoctorNeverSaidIWasFeelingLow
#ObviouslyNowWeHaveMovedSoIHaveToBeTransferredToANewHealthVisitor
#SheSaidToCallOurNewDoctorIfIWasWorriedAboutBsFeeding
#IDidTryToRingThemButIThinkICalledTheOneAfternoonThatTheyAreClosed
#IThoughtAboutItAndIKnowSheDrinksEnoughFromABottle
#ItIsJustWithBreastfeedingINeverKnowHowMuchSheIsGetting
#IAmSadThatItSeemsLikeOurBreastfeedingJourneyIsComingToAPrematureEnd
#WellInTheEndIDidTheShootAfterHerNextFeedAndItWasQuiteRelaxing

I’m writing this on 31st October 2020.

I don’t feel like writing today. I just want to take photos, but I feel unable to because of space and catching B at the right time today.

#WellIAmWritingTheseHashtagsInHopeThatIGetToTakeThisPhotoToday

Let’s see if I get to do the shoot that I want to today… (I did).

#TheMorningDidNotStartWell #TiagoHasGoneToLiverpoolToCleanTheFlatAndHandInTheKeys #BHasAHoarseVoiceAndSeemsABitUnderTheWeather #UsuallyHerFirstNapOfTheDayIsTheEasiestButSheWouldNotGoToSleep

I didn’t bother texting Tiago as I didn’t want to stress him out. The flat is in an absolute state, so I feel bad that he has to tackle it himself. At the same time I am a bit jealous of him being out all day and just doing something non-baby related. I love B, but I would love a day off – but probably not to clean.

#IFedHerAndGaveHerSomeParacetamolAsSheSeemsToStillBeTeething

I tried breastfeeding her, but more on that later.

#YouAreSupposedToGiveItABitAtATimeButIAccidentallyPushedTheSyringeAllTheWayIn

I felt so terrible, but she actually wasn’t that bothered. She didn’t spill much either.

Usually Tiago and I do it together and T is much better at pushing the syringe – I say that but we did get it all over B and I the other day.

#ICriedABitAsIFeltSoOverwhelmed #ThankfullyMyFirstInstinctIsNoLongerToTakeAPhotoOfMyselfCrying

I didn’t even think about photographing myself as I felt so bad for B – you’ll be pleased to hear.

It does just get a bit much sometimes. She’s been so clingy this week and it’s hard to know what is wrong with her. My Mum said to call the doctors if I was worried about her, but I thought I would see how she was in an hours time. She seemed quite normal…

#EventuallySheSleptAndIPlannedToGetThingsDone

Great!

#ButIGotNothingDone

Fail. I had breakfast and didn’t do much else. I should have at least stretched, but nope. I guess I did try to think about how we’d organise the space we have here, and I found where we put the baby thermometer. Hurrah. So I did some things, but not really what I would have liked to do – take lots of pictures!

#WeAreGivingHerMoreFormulaFeedsNow #ItIsSuchAFaffButAtLeastIKnowSheIsGettingEnoughToEat

Boiling the water and leaving it for 30 minutes, but no longer (that’s what the box says). Then putting the powder in – to 2 small bottles as we don’t have one for as much milk as she needs and it seems like a waste for so late in the feeding game. Then you have to cool them down…

It’s all fine unless your baby is screaming as you suspect she’s hungry, but she’s usually not ready for the next feed yet.

Maybe I’m f-ing it all up by giving her breastmilk and formula – she has to have the formula in a much bigger quantity. I just don’t want to stop completely breastfeeding her.

Perhaps everything was fine and I’ve f-ed it up by giving her formula, but I do feel better when I know she is eating.

#IHaveSignedUpForAWeaningClassButIHopeICanChangeItToNextWeekInstead #AsMaybeIShouldStartSoonerRatherThanLater

The NHS says 6 months now, but a friend said a lot of people start at 5 months.

#SheDefinitelySeemsInterestedInFood

She always watches us when she eats and she can sit up better and has better hand to mouth coordination. This morning she was nearly putting her toes in her mouth…

(On the course they said that a baby watching you eat is not a sign – they’re just interested in what you do.)

#IHaveSetUpMyCameraToTakeAPhotoOfBAndIOnMyNansRug

It is waiting there in hope.

#ITookASimilarPhotoOnMyParentsCarpetAsItCarpetRemindsMeSoMuchOfTheirHouse

Yeah, this one (or fancy link box below).

#WhereasThisRugIsVeryMuchMyNansHouseToMe

Yeah, she’s had it for a very long time.

#IWasWaitingForBsStomachToSettleAfterHerFeedToTakeThePhoto

She did have a lot of formula – well her usual amount – and I did not want her being sick.

#IThoughtIShouldRestartMyComputerButThereWasAnUpdate

I thought it might be a quick update.

#ObviouslyItTookOverAnHourToComeBackOnSoIMissedThatWindowForPhotos

Yeah, it wasn’t a quick update.

#TheHealthVisitorCalledMeTheOtherDayAndSaidMyDoctorNeverSaidIWasFeelingLow

I talked about it a bit in my previous post, but thought I should record it in the hashtags.

#ObviouslyNowWeHaveMovedSoIHaveToBeTransferredToANewHealthVisitor

About 10 minutes after I wrote this a letter came in the post that talked about a health visitor coming to visit us here etc. I’m quite relieved, though I worry they will tell me off for how I’m doing things. Well, I’m just trying to do my best.

#SheSaidToCallOurNewDoctorIfIWasWorriedAboutBsFeeding #IDidTryToRingThemButIThinkICalledTheOneAfternoonThatTheyAreClosed

I was worried, but I felt awkward about ringing.

#IThoughtAboutItAndIKnowSheDrinksEnoughFromABottle

So I was glad that they were closed as I know that she is getting enough one way or another – if she wasn’t drinking very much from the bottle then I would definitely call.

#ItIsJustWithBreastfeedingINeverKnowHowMuchSheIsGetting

Sometimes I wish she was see through and that her stomach had measurement labels on it so I could see.

#IAmSadThatItSeemsLikeOurBreastfeedingJourneyIsComingToAPrematureEnd

It’s annoying that now her latch is really good I don’t think she is getting enough via le boobz. She hasn’t slept through the night the last couple of nights – last night I gave her a boobfeed when she woke up not long after we went to bed so Tiago didn’t have to give her a dream feed and so I didn’t have to pump. Then she woke up about 1am or something and I fed her as she didn’t seem like she was going to go back to bed otherwise.

Blah blah blah, but yeah I wish she was just breastfeeding at every feed. She’s not though and I have to deal with the path I’ve led her down…

#WellInTheEndIDidTheShootAfterHerNextFeedAndItWasQuiteRelaxing

It was quite nice just lying on the floor with B and chilling out-ish. She seemed pretty chilled, but I was a little stressed out about getting a good picture.

I haven’t chosen one yet, but I think there is something that will do. (There was.)


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Working On The Stairs, Listening Out For B (27th October 2020)

Sat on the bottom step of the stairs with my face lit by the light of my laptop
Working On The Stairs, Listening Out For B (27th October 2020)
 
#HereIsATerriblePhonePictureOfMeWorkingOnTheBottomOfTheStairs
#BHadGoneToBedButSheKeptWakingUpAndCryingSoItWasEasierToJustSitThereAndWork
#SheIsDefinitelyTeethingNow
#IFeelSoSorryForHerAsItMustBeHorrible
#IKnewWithHavingABabyThatIWouldDreadTheTeethingStages
#TodaySheHadFormulaForTheSecondTime
#SheHadHerFirstBottleTwoDaysAgoAsIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnough
#IGaveHerSomeTodayWhenSheWouldBarelyBreastfeedDuringOneFeed
#IPumpedAfterwardsAndBarelyAnythingCameOut
#MaybeItIsDueToStressOrMaybeItIsPermanentlyDryingUp
#IDoFeelBummedOutByItButINeedToMakeSureSheIsGettingFed
#ThereIsNoPointTorturingMyself
#TiagoWentFoodShoppingTonightSoHeBoughtABoxOfFormula
#IWouldStartWeaningHerButItSeemsThat6MonthsIsTheRecommendationNow
#SheIs4AndAHalfMonthsSoItIsNotMuchLongerToGo
#IGuessIWillTryToBreastfeedHerStillAsMuchAsICanThough
#InOtherNewsIHaveNotUnpackedMuchAtAll
#IAmTiredFromHavingToQuicklyPackEverythingUp
#TiagoNeedsToGoBackToCleanUpTheFlatAndPackTheLastFewThings
#ItWasANightmareGettingTheThingsWeNeededAndOurselvesInTheCar
#InTheEndWeJustBottleFedBSomeExpressedMilkInTheCarInTheCarparkJustSoWeCouldGetOutOfTheFlat
#WeStartedTheDayOptimisticAndThoughtWeWouldStartWithTheCleaning
#WeEvenWentForAWalkToGetLunchFromOurFavouriteFalafelPlace
#AGuyWalkedPastUsInTheStreetAndWasImpressedByTiagoCarryingB
#HeSaidHeWantedOneButIDoNotKnowIfHeWentTheCarrierOrBabyOrBoth
#BsScheduleGotSuperMessedUpButSheDidSleepForTheWholeCarJourneyAtLeast
#TodayIDecidedToExploreMoreOfTheAreaAsEvenThoughIHaveSpentSoMuchTimeHereIStillDoNotKnowWhatIsInCertainDirections
#ILikeToDrinkALotOfWaterWhenIWalkToTryToHelpWithMilkProduction
#AGuyRanPastSayingHeHopedItWasVodka
#PeopleSeemFriendlyAroundHereButIAmStressedOutByTheNarrowPaths

I am writing this on 28th October. I was too tired to do it last night/I didn’t have much time as I was actually planning on doing a shoot today, but this seemed shareable.

#HereIsATerriblePhonePictureOfMeWorkingOnTheBottomOfTheStairs

I think you can just about see that my face is lit up by the laptop screen. I balanced my phone on the radiator to take this picture.

I have really started to embrace the self-timer setting on my phone since having a baby; often it’s the easiest way to get a picture with B.

#BHadGoneToBedButSheKeptWakingUpAndCryingSoItWasEasierToJustSitThereAndWork

T had gone out food shopping and she seemed a bit too happy at bedtime, so I knew it was too good to be true. It’s always when she goes to bed at a reasonable time that she plays up for ages.

#SheIsDefinitelyTeethingNow

We need to start giving her paracetamol before she goes to bed as we end up giving it to her a lot later on and then she seems to sleep well.

#IFeelSoSorryForHerAsItMustBeHorrible

She just chews on my fingers a lot, though we have 4 different teethers now. Actually more than that I think, but her mouth is quite small at the moment, so a finger fits better.

#IKnewWithHavingABabyThatIWouldDreadTheTeethingStages

This is just the first phase of more to come. You can’t explain to her what is happening and she can’t communicate, so we’re just guessing and hoping we get things right.

#TodaySheHadFormulaForTheSecondTime #SheHadHerFirstBottleTwoDaysAgoAsIWasWorriedThatSheWasNotGettingEnoughFood #IGaveHerSomeTodayWhenSheWouldBarelyBreastfeedDuringOneFeed

It’s some pre-mixed stuff. At her age they recommend 210ml at a feed, but they sell them in 200ml bottles. Cunning. She drank the whole bottle, but I think most babies will if you keep offering them milk.

#IPumpedAfterwardsAndBarelyAnythingCameOut

She had been on for a little bit but not much at all. Her first bf feed of the day is quite long as there is more milk as they have not been used in 8 hours-ish usually.

After that the feeds get very short and I think she drinks them dry, and makes a sound when she comes off. Though sometimes she will drink more, but maybe it’s to do with teething and it hurts her? She seems to prefer the bottle more as I think she uses it as a teether.

#MaybeItIsDueToStressOrMaybeMyMilkIsPermanentlyDryingUp

I am a bit stressed out.

She’s currently having her first nap of the day now, which is a great time to get things done. She usually sleeps for an hour and a half, but I can hear her now after 40 minutes. I’m just leaving it a minute in case she goes back to sleep.

She’s up now. I think it might be because of teething, so we gave her some paracetamol. I feel awkward about giving her it as I don’t like to take it much myself, but my Mum says that it’s best not to be shy about it. I’m sure if B could say if she wanted it or not she would want it.

#IDoFeelBummedOutByItButINeedToMakeSureSheIsGettingFed #ThereIsNoPointTorturingMyself

Carrying this on now that she’s gone down for another nap – nearly 2 hours later.

When other people have had problems with their milk supply I’ve said ‘why do they torture themselves? why do they not just switch to formula?’ but I get it now.

However, I spend the day worrying about whether she is getting enough or not. This morning I thought she must be as she is sleeping quite well through the night at the moment, so she can’t be too hungry.

Talking to my Mum I think that maybe she is alright. It is normal for babies to lose their appetites as their mouths hurt, so we’ll see. I think I should maybe do one formula feed a day though.

#TiagoWentFoodShoppingTonightSoHeBoughtABoxOfFormula

Reading the instructions it seems like such a faff. I think this is also why I have changed my tune a bit with her feeding…

My Mum says that B would be crying a lot more if she was hungry and not sleeping so well at night.

#IWouldStartWeaningHerButItSeemsThat6MonthsIsTheRecommendationNow #SheIs4AndAHalfMonthsSoItIsNotMuchLongerToGo

I think I’m going to do a workshop so that I do feel more comfortable with weaning as it’s not too far off now.

#IGuessIWillTryToBreastfeedHerStillAsMuchAsICanThough

I don’t want my supply to drop even lower. There’s also something in breast milk that acts as a painkiller, which is good for her teething.

#InOtherNewsIHaveNotUnpackedMuchAtAll #IAmTiredFromHavingToQuicklyPackEverythingUp

Packing and unpacking fatigue.

#TiagoNeedsToGoBackToCleanUpTheFlatAndPackTheLastFewThings

I am using us not having our box of hangers as an excuse, but once we get them I do hope to start putting things away and sorting through our stuff. We definitely need to start getting rid of more things.

#ItWasANightmareGettingTheThingsWeNeededAndOurselvesInTheCar

I would not wish moving with a baby during a pandemic on anyone.

#InTheEndWeJustBottleFedBSomeExpressedMilkInTheCarInTheCarparkJustSoWeCouldGetOutOfTheFlat

We were hoping to leave sooner, but by the time we got in the car B hadn’t slept in 3 hours. I thought there was no point just letting her sleep as I usually feed her every 3 hours during the day, so it made sense for her to eat before we left.

#WeStartedTheDayOptimisticAndThoughtWeWouldStartWithTheCleaning #WeEvenWentForAWalkToGetLunchFromOurFavouriteFalafelPlace

I had a really nice chat with the guy in the falafel place. We didn’t get out for a walk the day before, so it was nice to have a last goodbye walk in Liverpool even though it was mainly in the rain.

#AGuyWalkedPastUsInTheStreetAndWasImpressedByTiagoCarryingB #HeSaidHeWantedOneButIDoNotKnowIfHeWentTheCarrierOrBabyOrBoth

It’s always typical that when you are about to leave somewhere that you start having nice interactions with people – not that we hadn’t had any before, but I just wished that I had had more sooner.

B and I had been going on daily walks and no one had spoken to us randomly before.

#BsScheduleGotSuperMessedUpButSheDidSleepForTheWholeCarJourneyAtLeast

See above. She definitely wouldn’t have slept the whole time if we haven’t fed her before. It made sense to do it first as otherwise we would have had to stop at a service station, which would have been more stressful.

#TodayIDecidedToExploreMoreOfTheAreaAsEvenThoughIHaveSpentSoMuchTimeHereIStillDoNotKnowWhatIsInCertainDirections

I just needed to get out of the house. My daily walk is quite relaxing and it feels good to get out and about. Today I’ll maybe try to discover some other new places.

#ILikeToDrinkALotOfWaterWhenIWalkToTryToHelpWithMilkProduction #AGuyRanPastSayingHeHopedItWasVodka

I had checked behind to see if anyone was coming as I thought I could hear someone. I then must have taken a swig and it probably looked a bit suspicious.

It was nice to have an interaction with someone though. Two days before someone had warned me about a lot of goose poo on the path up ahead.

#PeopleSeemFriendlyAroundHereButIAmStressedOutByTheNarrowPaths

Yeah, the narrow goose poo paths.

I also had a chat with a neighbour yesterday – we didn’t know our neighbours in Liverpool, so it’s nice having more people to chat to.

(12th November 2020: Typically since then I haven’t had any interactions with the neighbours or spoke to any people whilst out on a walk – except when I decide just to wait for them to pass instead of squeezing down a path and they say thanks.)


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I Feel Like This Somehow Sums Up Today (23rd October 2020)

I wrote this post on 23rd October. I think I’m going to stop adding updates to posts when I’m about to publish them for now as often I feel like I’m adding in the same notes for many posts. Also, I think all the additions make the entries harder to read.

Breastmilk on my trousers and the floor
I Feel Like This Somehow Sums Up Today (23rd October 2020)
 
#ThisPhotoShowsLeakedMilkOnMyNewTrousersThatMyMumGotMeForMyBirthday
#WhatADay
#TiagoIsOnTheWayBackFromDrivingAVanLoadOfStuffToBirmingham
#InTheEndAFriendHelpedUsEmptyTheFlatWhichAbsolutelySavedUs
#AsOfYesterdayBHasDecidedThatSheDoesNotLikeBeingBreastfed
#SoTodayWhileTheyWereLoadingTheVanBWasJustScreamingALot
#SheEitherDoesNotLikeBeingBreastfedOrIJustDoNotSeemToBeProducingEnoughAtTheMoment
#ProbablyBecauseIAmStressedWhichSheMightBeSensingTooWhichIsUpsettingHer
#LuckilyIHaveSomeMilkInTheFreezerWhichIHaveBeenDefrostingForEachFeed
#ThenTryingToPumpBeforeSheWakesUpAndGivingOneBottleOfThatAndOneOfFreezerMilk
#WithTheFeedsSheJustGetsVeryAgitatedQuiteQuicklyAndTheFeedsAreALotShorter
#ButThenSheDrinksAllTheDefrostedMilkViaABottle
#ThePictureIsFromWhenIWasPumpingAndDidNotRealiseThatTheTopOfThePumpWasNotOnProperly
#SoItJustLeakedOnMeAndTheFloor
#WhichIsNotGreatWhenYouAreTryingToGetAsMuchMilkTogetherAsPossible
#AfterTiagoLeftWithTheVanOurFriendWentOutToBuyLunchAndSomeBottlesOfFormula
#IWillTryThemIfTheMilkSituationDoesNotImproveAndICanNotProduceEnoughMilk
#IThinkBIsDefinitelyHavingASleepRegressionAsSheSuddenlySeemsToHaveNewSkills
#RollingOverToOneSideAndRollingOverFromBackToFrontOccasionally
#AndStickingOutHerBottomLipAndUsingHerTongueMore
#AndThisWeekSheHasBeenWorkingHerWayUpHerLegsAndIsNowGrabbingHerFeet
#IFeelBadAsHerPlaytimesHaveBeenABitRubbishTheLastFewDaysWithPackingAndMoving
#HopefullyThisWillBeFixedInACoupleOfDays
#IDoNotWantToThinkAboutUnpackingRightNow
#HerNapsHaveImprovedALittleBit
#INowSpendMoreTimeSettlingHerBeforeLeavingHerToNapLikeRubbingHerForeheadAndChest
#ThoughMyFingersAndThumbsAreSoDryFromPackingNowWhichIsNotGreat
#IThoughtIWouldGetSoMuchDoneTodayAndWeWouldHaveANiceLastWalkAroundLiverpool
#ButPackingUpTheVanTookALotLongerThanPlannedAndIOnlyManagedToMake4DanceVideosAndNowItIsGettingDarkSoNoWalkForUs
#ItIsWeirdThatTonightIsOurLastNightInLiverpoolButWeWillAlwaysHaveOurScouseBabyAndWeWillBeBackForAVisitOneDay

#ThisPhotoShowsLeakedMilkOnMyNewTrousersThatMyMumGotMeForMyBirthday

I’d already put a load of washing on, so they’ll have to stink of sour milk for longer. Great.

#WhatADay #TiagoIsOnTheWayBackFromDrivingAVanLoadOfStuffToBirmingham

He’s back now. He walked in to B screaming during a feed. We tried to order some food for collection nearby, but they were no longer taking orders. Great. Random bits and bobs for dinner it was.

#InTheEndAFriendHelpedUsEmptyTheFlatWhichAbsolutelySavedUs

SAVED US. THANK YOU SO MUCH D!

(We would probably still be loading the van now if he hadn’t come to help. Moving during a pandemic with a 4 month old is not fun for sure.)

#AsOfYesterdayBHasDecidedThatSheDoesNotLikeBeingBreastfed

Convenient I know.

It is true, I do love sarcasm.

#SoTodayWhileTheyWereLoadingTheVanBWasJustScreamingALot

Amazing.

#SheEitherDoesNotLikeBeingBreastfedOrIJustDoNotSeemToBeProducingEnoughAtTheMoment

I think I just am not producing enough for her right now.

#ProbablyBecauseIAmStressedWhichSheMightBeSensingTooWhichIsUpsettingHer

I think stress is definitely a big contributor to it, but also I think we haven’t been eating so well since we decided to move as we have been using up a lot of random food to lighten the moving load.

#LuckilyIHaveSomeMilkInTheFreezerWhichIHaveBeenDefrostingForEachFeed

I nearly got rid of some of it the other day as I thought it might just get ruined in the move. So glad I didn’t.

#ThenTryingToPumpBeforeSheWakesUpAndGivingOneBottleOfThatAndOneOfFreezerMilk

Well, this happened for one feed – the pumping before her waking up. The next two naps she woke up earlier than planned.

#WithTheFeedsSheJustGetsVeryAgitatedQuiteQuicklyAndTheFeedsAreALotShorter

I used to feed her for 30-40 minutes. Earlier I tried feeding her again via boob and she got annoyed after 9 minutes on both. However, she did sound like she was trying to win some speed drinking competition, so she is definitely emptying them.

Sorry (not sorry) if it’s too much information, but this is what boobs are for.

She finishes and cries though, so then I offer her more milk.

#ButThenSheDrinksAllTheDefrostedMilkViaABottle

Yeah she drinks the whole bottle, which is usually around 60ml.

When I pumped earlier I was producing about 60ml, so she must be getting similar during breastfeeds.

#ThePictureIsFromWhenIWasPumpingAndDidNotRealiseThatTheTopOfThePumpWasNotOnProperly

I am pretty sure that this is the first time this has happened. I have to hold the back on tight, so I thought it was that at first. I was so confused as to why it was leaking.

#SoItJustLeakedOnMeAndTheFloor

Good job we are cleaning the floor tomorrow.

Well, I wiped it earlier, but tomorrow we are going to clean the flat.

#WhichIsNotGreatWhenYouAreTryingToGetAsMuchMilkTogetherAsPossible

Yeah, this is annoying. Also when you pump and your bra just gets absolutely wet when it could have been going in the bottle instead.

#AfterTiagoLeftWithTheVanOurFriendWentOutToBuyLunchAndSomeBottlesOfFormula

Again – lifesaver. I was actually quite calm about the fact that I might not be producing much milk.

After her first feed of the day I did try pumping and nothing came out, so I figured she must have gotten everything.

B was having a nap and was due to feed when she woke up, so I wouldn’t have been able to get any food for a while. B’s pushchair went in the van, so I would have had to put her in her carrier – I was excited at the idea of going to a supermarket, but nah.

#IWillTryThemIfTheMilkSituationDoesNotImproveAndICanNotProduceEnoughMilk

Well, the dates aren’t very long on them, so we will be trying them soon.

I asked a friend which one she uses and she said she has some pre-mixed bottles that she is using up before she moves on to powder.

I didn’t fancy the idea of mixing up milk during the move, so we got 3 pre-mixed bottles to try.

#IThinkBIsDefinitelyHavingASleepRegressionAsSheSuddenlySeemsToHaveNewSkills

So many new skills.

#RollingOverToOneSideAndRollingOverFromBackToFrontOccasionally

She did roll over before from her front to back a while ago, but hasn’t done it for a while. She often gets her arm stuck while rolling over – I guess she will perfect it in time.

#AndStickingOutHerBottomLipAndUsingHerTongueMore

I think she sticks her bottom lip out from moving her tongue around. I’m not sure though. She is definitely working on her puppy dog face though – just in time for Christmas!

(I don’t think we will be getting her much for Xmas, as she doesn’t know it’s Christmas and she doesn’t need anything. Well, if she needs something then we will get it.)

#AndThisWeekSheHasBeenWorkingHerWayUpHerLegsAndIsNowGrabbingHerFeet

I did a yoga video tonight as I’m a bit sore from lifting the few things that I did. Part of the class was the happy baby pose and B has definitely nearly perfected it.

I’m sure I’ll be taking photos of myself imitating these new skills soon.

#IFeelBadAsHerPlaytimesHaveBeenABitRubbishTheLastFewDaysWithPackingAndMoving #HopefullyThisWillBeFixedInACoupleOfDays

Yeah I feel really bad about this, but this is what you get for trying to pack up a flat during a pandemic when no one can come round to watch her or help.

Obviously B doesn’t know what is going on, but thanks to her for just chilling in her cot and grabbing her feet, or chilling in her bouncer while we’ve packed around her.

#IDoNotWantToThinkAboutUnpackingRightNow

Ergh.

#HerNapsHaveImprovedALittleBit

Well, now I’ve said it let’s see how tomorrow is.

#INowSpendMoreTimeSettlingHerBeforeLeavingHerToNapLikeRubbingHerForeheadAndChest

It makes sense as it probably makes her feel more secure, and once she starts crying I think it probably stresses her out more and then it takes longer to calm her. Maybe?

#ThoughMyFingersAndThumbsAreSoDryFromPackingNowWhichIsNotGreat

I need to start moisturising my hands more again. All that packing and sanitising etc.

#IThoughtIWouldGetSoMuchDoneTodayAndWeWouldHaveANiceLastWalkAroundLiverpool

Well, at least we finally got to see Boaty McBoatface yesterday and the day before…

#ButPackingUpTheVanTookALotLongerThanPlannedAndIOnlyManagedToMake4DanceVideosAndNowItIsGettingDarkSoNoWalkForUs

Packing up the van took so long that we missed the drop-off time for it. Imagine if our friend hadn’t helped us? I hope that nothing happens to it while we have it overnight…

Tiago took the day off work as he thought the van place was open until 9, but when he got there he said it was open until 5. I guess it’s probably due to Covid…

#ItIsWeirdThatTonightIsOurLastNightInLiverpoolButWeWillAlwaysHaveOurScouseBabyAndWeWillBeBackForAVisitOneDay

It doesn’t feel like our last night. I’m sat writing this in the living room, whilst T is in the bedroom having a rest, and B is having a sleep in her cot.

There were some fireworks earlier – don’t think they were for us.

Yes, B will always B (ha) our Scouse baby, so we definitely want to show her the city when she is older and of course we want to visit our friends that we’ve made.

We moved to Liverpool wanting kids but not sure when we’d have kids. A month later after visiting Tiago’s brother, sister-in-law and niece we thought we’d start trying. It didn’t happen as quick as I thought it would. I felt lost and made a project called Ulterior Monologue to try to deal with it.

Then just as I was going to start a project that actually talked about wanting to be pregnant, I got pregnant and made a project about my pregnancy, and another about my morning sickness.

And now we are leaving Liverpool with a baby, and I’ll keep making a project about early motherhood for now.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Trying To Pack Up A Flat With A 4 Month Old Is Stressful (20th October 2020)

Me pulling on my hair
Trying To Pack Up A Flat With A 4 Month Old Is Stressful (20th October 2020)
 
#TheNewNestingSideOfMeIsSoFreakedOutByTheAbsoluteMessOfOurFlat
#JustBoxesAndStuffEverywhereAndWeStillNeedToPackALotMore
#TiagoHasHiredAVanForAFewDaysTimeAndIAmAlsoStressedOutAboutThat
#HavingToGetEverythingInItAndWorryingAboutGettingToldOffForParking
#DueToThePandemicWeCanNotHaveAnyHelp
#IDoFeelABitOverwhelmedByEverything
#IWantADayOffButICanNot
#IThinkBIsTeethingNow
#WellWeThoughtSheWasBeforeButNowIThinkSheIsEvenMoreSo
#YesterdayIReallyStruggledToGetHerToTakeHerSecondNapWhichWeUsuallyHaveFewProblemsWith
#InTheEndIJustLetHerSleepOnMe
#ThenSheDidNotTakeHerFourthNapSoWePutHerToBedEarly
#ButSheJustWouldNotSettleForSoLong
#TheLastTwoDaysIHaveNotNappedDuringHerFirstNapAsIRealiseItIsTheBestTimeToGetThingsDone
#ItIsReallyHardToKnowWhatIsNormalForABabyHerAgeWhenICanNotInteractWithManyMums
#IGuessWithGoingToBabyClassesAndChildrensCentresYouWouldHaveALotOfConversationsAndCanCompareThings
#ItIsVeryDifferentToJustTalkingToPeopleViaTechnology
#MyHairIsSoGreasyInThisShoot
#IAmTryingToWriteTheseHashtagsQuicklySoICanGoWashMyHairAsItJustFeelsSoGross
#IOnlyDidOneShootLastWeekAsIFeltLikeThereWasNotMuchToSay
#IHaveJustBeenMotheringPackingCodingAndGoingForADailyWalk
#ThoughIDoNotAlwaysManageToGetOutForAWalk
#IHaveAlsoBeenSellingSomeBitsOfFurnitureWhichAlwaysTurnsInToAMassiveJob
#YesterdayTheMentalHealthServiceCalledMe
#ItWasADelayedRoutineCheckupAsIDidAnOnlineCBTCourseForAnxietyAYearAgo
#TheySaidTheyUsuallyCallAfter6MonthsButTheyAreLateDueToThePandemic
#ISaidIHaveBeenFeelingBetterWhichIsProbablyDueToTheDistractionsOfMoving
#IStillHaveNotHeardBackFromTheDoctorsOrHealthVisitorThoughAfterMyAppointmentWhereIMentionedMyMentalHealth
#IHadALongShowerForTheFirstTimeInAgesAndFeltSoMuchBetterAfter
#INeedToStartDoingAnotherSetOfHashtagsForAfterIHaveRantedAboutStuffInTheFirstLotAndThenFeelLoadsBetter
 

Hello! I’m writing this on 20th October <and adding notes on 5th November.>

This shoot was inspired by photos I took on my birthday shoot, but didn’t choose for the final picture.

Before I did the shoot I did a yoga video for stress – it was nice, but I did still feel stressed afterwards.

I finished a 30 days video class yesterday, but I am thinking that maybe I accidentally skipped a few classes as it seems like it ended so soon? I feel stronger, but the problem is when you finish something like that it is knowing what to do next. She does have other programs that I need to try to get into (mentally) ASAP.

<I am trying to get through a new 30 day challenge, though today I did the same video as yesterday as I felt like I could have done it better. I was doing some 10 minute videos, but they really weren’t enough. This morning I also did a baby yoga class with B as the more stretching I can do the better!>

#TheNewNestingSideOfMeIsSoFreakedOutByTheAbsoluteMessOfOurFlat #JustBoxesAndStuffEverywhereAndWeStillNeedToPackALotMore

I have changed a lot from the messy child that I once was, but I think since having a baby I like mess even less.

Walking through the flat is a bit like an obstacle course at the moment. We need to be careful, especially when carrying B through it all.

At least she isn’t crawling yet – it would be a bit of a nightmare.

<It turns out that unpacking with a nearly 5 month old is stressful too, who would have thought it? I am hoping that we can finally start to unpack properly this weekend!>

#TiagoHasHiredAVanForAFewDaysTimeAndIAmAlsoStressedOutAboutThat #HavingToGetEverythingInItAndWorryingAboutGettingToldOffForParking

Tiago is chilled about it all, but I was already stressing about this as soon as we said we were moving.

#DueToThePandemicWeCanNotHaveAnyHelp

Well, we could hire a man with a van, but because of the pandemic it seems easier for Tiago just to do it. I meant more help from friends etc.

<Luckily a friend came to help in the end as otherwise it would have been impossible! Moving out day was a nightmare…>

#IDoFeelABitOverwhelmedByEverything #IWantADayOffButICanNot

When I say everything, really I mean a day off from responsibilities. I just miss the days where I had all day to do my own thing, and I got a lot done but also faffed. There is no time for faffing now.

(Though last night I did watch some orangutan videos. I’m more emotional at animal and baby videos now that I have a baby.)

Though I do not want a day away from B. I love when she smiles at me. The other day she had a little giggle fit which was really sweet.

I guess things will be different when she starts to eat solid foods and she doesn’t really need me 24/7, though I will miss the ease of breastfeeding and not having to prepare food etc.

<Now that we live with my Nan, things do seem a little less full on, but I still do feel overwhelmed at times. My main concern at the moment is that she is getting stimulated enough. We do the same things everyday and there are no in person classes by us, which I think would be good for both of us.>

#IThinkBIsTeethingNow #WellWeThoughtSheWasBeforeButNowIThinkSheIsEvenMoreSo

She is dribbling a lot, but I think she might be also going through the 4-month sleep regression which explain the sleeping side of things.

<She was definitely teething and still is 🙁 >

Yesterday she did roll over for the first time in ages by herself, so it’s possible – as sleep regressions have something to do with learning new skills.

<I have an app that says that she is currently going through a developmental leap.>

#YesterdayIReallyStruggledToGetHerToTakeHerSecondNapWhichWeUsuallyHaveFewProblemsWith #InTheEndIJustLetHerSleepOnMe

Well I am writing this during her second nap and it was difficult, but I just rocked her to sleep in the end.

I know I shouldn’t do it, but yesterday she was calm whilst I was rocking her but I stopped too early and then she wouldn’t settle again.

<Today she has had two naps so far and they were both shorter than normal, and I had to rock her to sleep for both.>

#ThenSheDidNotTakeHerFourthNapSoWePutHerToBedEarly #ButSheJustWouldNotSettleForSoLong

See comment above on sleep regression…

<She has been having a fourth nap lately, but she takes ages to settle at bedtime.>

#TheLastTwoDaysIHaveNotNappedDuringHerFirstNapAsIRealiseItIsTheBestTimeToGetThingsDone

It’s usually her longest nap of the day, in terms of how long she has to sleep and how well she usually sleeps.

I try to put her down to nap after 1 1/2 hours for her first nap, after 1 3/4 hours for her second and third, then 2 hours after fourth and fifth.

Obviously this never goes to plan, but this is what I try to do.

#ItIsReallyHardToKnowWhatIsNormalForABabyHerAgeWhenICanNotInteractWithManyMums

I find it so weird that when you have a baby you pretty much get left to it. I guess in ‘normal times’ you’d have more in person support from friends and family, so people don’t see the need to worry about you.

<It has been good to see family lately and get some reassurance about things.>

#IGuessWithGoingToBabyClassesAndChildrensCentresYouWouldHaveALotOfConversationsAndCanCompareThings #ItIsVeryDifferentToJustTalkingToPeopleViaTechnology

Basically, I feel like I can’t keep talking to people about poop over WhatsApp…

#MyHairIsSoGreasyInThisShoot #IAmTryingToWriteTheseHashtagsQuicklySoICanGoWashMyHairAsItJustFeelsSoGross

I should have washed it yesterday really, but obviously my priorities are messed up.

<I washed my hair yesterday and I was thinking that I prioritise making over work over personal hygiene. Lucky Tiago…>

#IOnlyDidOneShootLastWeekAsIFeltLikeThereWasNotMuchToSay

And I did not know what to do for the shoot. I felt like if I was to have done a shoot then the pictures would have been bad and I would have felt more crummy, so I left it.

Usually my motto is ‘if you don’t try then you don’t get’, but I just wasn’t feeling very confident.

#IHaveJustBeenMotheringPackingCodingAndGoingForADailyWalk

I am nearly done with my coding project. I just need to edit the look of it, then I am going to take the rest of the week off (and probably another week) before I start the next and final course.

<I finished it, but now I don’t know how I had time to do a coding course. I’m going to leave it until next month I think.>

Next week I need to unpack and adjust to living in Birmingham really.

<Still need to unpack…>

Once the course is done I will have a lot more time to work on my stuff in the evenings, which will be good. I do like getting stuff done in the morning though so I feel like it’s not hanging over me all day.

I haven’t been reading much lately as I’ve been trying to go to bed early instead. Though last night I did start The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry.

<I didn’t finish the book before I had to send it back for the next person. I do want to get back into reading as I miss it, but I seem to favour sleep over staying up late to read these days.>

#ThoughIDoNotAlwaysManageToGetOutForAWalk

I do plan to, but the other night we were going to go for one later on in the day but by then it seemed easier for Tiago to go by himself. This is why I aim for the mid-afternoon really, so that if it is missed we can aim for the next one and then the next one. Actually I think we did move it twice…

#IHaveAlsoBeenSellingSomeBitsOfFurnitureWhichAlwaysTurnsInToAMassiveJob

SO MUCH FAFF. We have one piece left to go, which someone is meant to be collecting tonight. Fingers crossed.

<They did collect it. Phew.>

#YesterdayTheMentalHealthServiceCalledMe #ItWasADelayedRoutineCheckupAsIDidAnOnlineCBTCourseForAnxietyAYearAgo #TheySaidTheyUsuallyCallAfter6MonthsButTheyAreLateDueToThePandemic #ISaidIHaveBeenFeelingBetterWhichIsProbablyDueToTheDistractionsOfMoving

I said I was moving and they told me to call the equivalent service in Birmingham if I need to. I’ll see how things go.

#IStillHaveNotHeardBackFromTheDoctorsOrHealthVisitorThoughAfterMyAppointmentWhereIMentionedMyMentalHealth

Maybe the doctor/nurse didn’t call the health visitor. Maybe she tried to call once and because I didn’t answer she didn’t try again. Maybe too many people need her help. Who knows?

<She called after I had moved and said that no one told her that I was feeling low.>

#IHadALongShowerForTheFirstTimeInAgesAndFeltSoMuchBetterAfter

I usually just have a bath when B does these days. Again, I need to question my priorities.

#INeedToStartDoingAnotherSetOfHashtagsForAfterIHaveRantedAboutStuffInTheFirstLotAndThenFeelLoadsBetter

I need to start ranting in a diary again so I can save all the mushy happy stuff for this project. Though the whole point of this series is to be as honest as possible, but I hate coming across as so whiney.

I actually did a baby class with B for the first time in ages between the shoot and writing this, which was really nice. I need to focus more on being the best Mum I can be, but it is difficult sometimes.

Mothering is the most intense job I’ve ever had. It is rewarding, but it is also exhausting.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

32 (October 2020)

Me holding B on my birthday
32 (October 2020)
 
#WellItIsMyFirstBirthdayAsAMother
#ThoughIWasPregnantOnMyLastBirthdayButIDidNotKnowItForAnotherWeek
#IGuessItDependsIfYouCountPregnancyAsMotherhoodOrNot
#TheBigNewsIsThatWeHaveGivenNoticeOnOurFlatAndPlanToMoveToBirminghamASAP
#WeWillMoveInWithMyNanSoWeCanCareForHerAndBWillGetSomeExtraAttention
#TwoYearsAgoIHadABirthdaySlashLeavingLondonParty
#ThisYearWouldBeABirthdaySlashLeavingLiverpoolParty
#ButWeWillBeLuckyIfWeGetToSayGoodbyeToManyPeopleBeforeWeGo
#TheLiverpoolRegionIsUnderTier3RestrictionsNowWhichIsTheOnlyAreaInTheUKToHaveSuchStrictRulesAtTheMoment
#ThisMeansWeCanNoLongerGoSwimmingThisWeekend
#IJustCancelledOurSlotAsTheCentreIsClosedNowAndWeGotCreditAddedToOurAccount
#SoOneDayIfWeAreAbleToVisitLiverpoolItLooksLikeWeWillBeDoingASwimSession
#MovingIsDefinitelyForTheBest
#ItWillBeSuchALongWinterOtherwiseAndAtLeastWeCanSeeMyNanAndPossiblyOtherFamilyFromADistance
#IWillMissOurDailyWalkHereButItIsStartingToGetVeryColdAndWindy
#OurFlatIsColdWithWindBlowingThroughThePlugSockets
#IDoNotGetHowSuchNewBuildingsCanBeSoBadlyDesigned
#WeDecidedToLeaveLondonAndWereGoneWithin6Weeks
#ThisTimeItWillBeWithin5WeeksThoughIThinkItWillBeALotQuicker
#TheWeekendAfterNextIfWeCan
#WeArePayingRentForAMonthButThereIsNoPointJustFeelingStuckHere
#AndAtLeastItGivesUsSomeTimeToCleanUpAndThings
#WeWillProbablyJustCelebrateMyBirthdayByOrderingALotOfIndianFood
#ThoughNowIAmTryingToEatUpAllTheRandomFoodWeHaveSoWeHaveLessToMove
#WithMyCodingCourseIAmWorkingOnMyProjectNow
#IAmGoingToTreatMyselfByNotDoingAnyCodingTodayThough
#IAmFeelingALotBetterMentallyThoughIThinkABigPartOfItIsBeingDistractedByTheMove
#IHaveNotHeardFromAHealthVisitorYetThoughIThinkIMightHaveMissedACallFromThemTheOtherDay
#IGuessAYearAgoIDidNotThinkIWouldBeSpendingMy32ndBirthdayLivingThroughAPandemicWithA4MonthOldWhilstDoingACodingCourseAndPlanningAMoveToBirmingham
#ButIGuessIWasNotThinkingMuchBeyondWantingToBePregnantAndNotBeingSureIfIWasAbleToBeOrNot

I’m not going to give the date of my birthday, though it’s probably easy to work out. I don’t know why – I’m weirdly security conscious about some things.

I just went to write what date I wrote this on, like I do for all of my blog posts; I am writing this on my birthday <with updates on 2nd November>.

<I always forget to write about the actual photo – it’s just me in my PJs holding my baby. I’m usually alone in my birthday portraits, but not this year!>

#WellItIsMyFirstBirthdayAsAMother

It feels odd writing that.

#ThoughIWasPregnantOnMyLastBirthdayButIDidNotKnowItForAnotherWeek

I had wanted to have a kid by the time I was 30, but I had to make do with being pregnant at 30. In the end it didn’t matter anyways and I’m glad B came when she did.

#IGuessItDependsIfYouCountPregnancyAsMotherhoodOrNot

<When I wrote this I don’t think I did, but pregnancy was so weird for me and I spent most of it in disbelief. I think I am just about getting used to the fact that I am a mother now.>

#TheBigNewsIsThatWeHaveGivenNoticeOnOurFlatAndPlanToMoveToBirminghamASAP

We gave notice the day after I wrote about considering it.

<And for the millionth time – we’ve moved already.>

#WeWillMoveInWithMyNanSoWeCanCareForHerAndBWillGetSomeExtraAttention

She broke her wrist in a fall recently and spent a week in hospital. It seems like the best thing to do for all of us – also who knows when we will actually be able to sit in her house again if we don’t go and live with her?

<It’s nice to know that she is okay and to see her everyday.>

#TwoYearsAgoIHadABirthdaySlashLeavingLondonParty #ThisYearWouldBeABirthdaySlashLeavingLiverpoolParty

I seem mostly move around this time of year.

Fact: I moved to London on Halloween 2010.

#ButWeWillBeLuckyIfWeGetToSayGoodbyeToManyPeopleBeforeWeGo

It’s so weird. I’ll miss people, but I’m not really supposed to see them at the moment anyways – meeting outdoors is ‘not recommended’.

#TheLiverpoolRegionIsUnderTier3RestrictionsNowWhichIsTheOnlyAreaInTheUKToHaveSuchStrictRulesAtTheMoment

I think most people in the UK know this, but I guess I am writing some of this for the future when hopefully all of this will be a distant memory.

<Well, they’re not alone in tier 3 anymore but England has another lockdown in a few days time.>

#ThisMeansWeCanNoLongerGoSwimmingThisWeekend #IJustCancelledOurSlotAsTheCentreIsClosedNowAndWeGotCreditAddedToOurAccount

Yeah the slot I called 40 times for!

<They called after a week and asked if we wanted to reschedule it, but we were moving that day.>

#SoOneDayIfWeAreAbleToVisitLiverpoolItLooksLikeWeWillBeDoingASwimSession

Great!

#MovingIsDefinitelyForTheBest #ItWillBeSuchALongWinterOtherwiseAndAtLeastWeCanSeeMyNanAndPossiblyOtherFamilyFromADistance

I am a little bit like ‘maybe I don’t want to move’, but I know give it another month and I will be super ready to go, so it’s better to go now.

I’ll mainly miss having space to make my work to be fair. I’ll just have to find a new way to work – and maybe not just have a white wall as a background all the time.

<We have barely unpacked anything and I am desperate to make some kind of studio space – well, we won’t be able to do much else during lockdown. I just have to be patient, as it’s slow work with a baby…>

#IWillMissOurDailyWalkHereButItIsStartingToGetVeryColdAndWindy

B won’t know the difference, and our walk is so exposed that it’ll be nice to not be nearly blown over a lot.

#OurFlatIsColdWithWindBlowingThroughThePlugSockets #IDoNotGetHowSuchNewBuildingsCanBeSoBadlyDesigned

The wind also blows through the gaps in the window, so I’ll be glad to not sleep in a freezing cold room. The radiators just blow the heat up the walls and barely heat the rooms. Fun times.

#WeDecidedToLeaveLondonAndWereGoneWithin6Weeks #ThisTimeItWillBeWithin5WeeksThoughIThinkItWillBeALotQuicker #TheWeekendAfterNextIfWeCan

So by the time I post this we should be in Birmingham.

<Yep, we are.>

#WeArePayingRentForAMonthButThereIsNoPointJustFeelingStuckHere

Yeah, there’s no point just being here waiting.

#AndAtLeastItGivesUsSomeTimeToCleanUpAndThings

We just got an email that said they want it ‘cleaned to a professional standard’. Well, when we left London we cleaned before the cleaners came in (which was something crazy like £100 that we paid when we moved in). We didn’t want the cleaners to think we were super sloppy, but we left a couple of things for them to clean and they didn’t do it – so I think we clean to a good standard.

#WeWillProbablyJustCelebrateMyBirthdayByOrderingALotOfIndianFood

Tiago has a work meeting after work, so we’ll be eating late but it’ll be nice.

This morning B woke up at 6, so I fed her, then B played with her and put her down for her nap so I pretty much got to sleep to 9am when I had to feed her again.

All I want for my birthday is sleep, sleep and sleep…

<She is waking up more at night at the moment, but we did have indian food which was very nice!>

#ThoughNowIAmTryingToEatUpAllTheRandomFoodWeHaveSoWeHaveLessToMove

You know when you just start eating random food that you haven’t wanted to eat?

#WithMyCodingCourseIAmWorkingOnMyProjectNow #IAmGoingToTreatMyselfByNotDoingAnyCodingTodayThough

I’ve been quite good at doing a bit every night. I feel like I am procrastinating a bit with it now as I know it is hard work, but I know I can do it. I just need to get on with it. I’ve set up the file system, I just need to do the rest of it now…

<I finished it in the end and I have a new course to start, but I’m leaving it for now.>

#IAmFeelingALotBetterMentallyThoughIThinkABigPartOfItIsBeingDistractedByTheMove

I wrote move as mood on accident. Whoops.

The move is definitely a massive distraction. Now I feel a bit overwhelmed but for different reasons…

#IHaveNotHeardFromAHealthVisitorYetThoughIThinkIMightHaveMissedACallFromThemTheOtherDay

They never left an answerphone message and haven’t called back since, so I’m not sure.

<They call a few days ago in the end, but now I am expecting a call from my new health visitor who needs to come visit us as we are new to the area.>

I’m not looking forward to having to register for things like the doctors, and changing all my postal addresses.

#IGuessAYearAgoIDidNotThinkIWouldBeSpendingMy32ndBirthdayLivingThroughAPandemicWithA4MonthOldWhilstDoingACodingCourseAndPlanningAMoveToBirmingham #ButIGuessIWasNotThinkingMuchBeyondWantingToBePregnantAndNotBeingSureIfIWasAbleToBeOrNot

What would I have imagined for myself? I would have hoped that I was pregnant or had a baby, but yeah I really thought that pregnancy and motherhood was something that happened to other people and not me.

But here we are!


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