I was just going to post it on my Instagram stories, but I saw the ‘potential’ of it.
Did I ever think that I’d be including a photo of my computer screen in a project? No. To be fair I probably have done it before in other projects that aren’t shown or it may have been edited out of one series.
I am not sure why I have been so obsessed. Possibly, because we’re dealing with a second lockdown and I can’t go anywhere? True.
I was like ‘she has to be awake for 90 minutes, then 105 minutes twice, then 120 minutes. She can’t go to bed unless she has been awake for those full wake windows’. So some days her bedtime was getting a bit later.
It’s funny how a song that you haven’t heard in ages just creeps into your head. There was a Kylie question on a quiz show the other day, but I don’t think ‘In Your Eyes’ was mentioned. My sister keeps telling me to listen to her new album, but I’ve only managed to get a couple of songs in so far.
Am I going to get sued for using their names in an image title? I don’t think so. I hope not.
I just felt ready to crack. Tiago stayed in bed a lot longer today. I tried to do some work and did some stretching, but got back into bed thinking B would wake up 10 minutes later. However, she did have a very long nap.
I need to start listening to podcasts and things on my daily walk again. I seem to come back from walks feeling worse, when I used to come back feeling better.
Again, I love B, but I just wish our days were a bit different. I’ve looked at going to some baby classes, so hopefully we might be able to soon. I’m so used to her schedule now though that I’m worried about being away from home and getting out of a routine. That’s the problem with not having to deal with randomness or adjustments because we haven’t been able to do much, but we just have to roll with it as we need to get out and live life a bit.
Another positive is that I managed to wash my hair. Hurrah. Shame you can’t see my pyjama bottoms in the picture.
(I wrote this post on 8th November. I’ve been dreading sharing it as the photo is so bad.)
I know recently that I said something along the lines of ‘at least I’m not taking pictures of myself crying anymore.’
(See two posts ago and my hashtag ‘#ThankfullyMyFirstInstinctIsNoLongerToTakeAPhotoOfMyselfCrying’)
I think at the moment I just feel quite overwhelmed one minute and frustrated the next, though I guess they’re the same thing.
I worry that I am failing B, but then I feel stressed that I am unable to make work.
This weekend we have been trying to make space for me to ‘do my own thing’. Poor Tiago is tired from a week of work and trying to give me some breaks from mothering, then he has few breaks at the weekend.
This morning we gave B a bath and I stayed in the bath a bit after while he got B dressed. He said he was jealous of me, but if he was by himself he wouldn’t be. I know exactly what he means. If he’s not around then I’m fine, but if he’s close by I get jealous of whatever he is doing. We both know we’re being stupid, but it’s how we feel.
I should have just had my 10 minutes in bed and relaxed, instead of taking some bad photos of myself and writing some text. As per usual though I do feel better after I’ve written something, and I feel like it’s important to show the realities of parenting. I know I’m not the only one who feels like this, so hopefully it might make someone else feel better.
Tiago always mentions a friend who once said he was tempted to book a day off work and go and sleep in a hotel, while his wife would think he was at work. This morning T was talking about going to a spa hotel for a weekend and just sleeping, relaxing and watching bad TV. Sounds great.
I think I just panicked. Thinking it though she only has a month and a bit until I plan to start giving her ‘normal food’. I am quite excited for the new phase and then I do not need to worry about my milk so much. So many babies are brought up on formula and they’re fine. She is still having some breastmilk a day. It’s so hard knowing what is best for her when we haven’t seen a ‘professional’ lately and B can’t talk.
Today we put some spoons in the fridge and though they warm up quick in her mouth she seemed to like them.
They’re mainly under her arms. It’s probably from where we pick her up and her clothes rub against her skin. We’re putting cream on the patches but I still feed bad.
Apparently some women breastfeed and get their periods straight away?
My feeding schedule does vary a bit at the moment, but for example today so far it’s been breastfeed, formula, breastfeed, formula… and I am planning to try to breastfeed next, then a bottle of expressed milk for the dream feed.
The night my period arrived, T and B were already in bed so I was trying to rummage around to find them. The next day I realised they were in the bathroom, but when I needed a new one the bathroom door was closed.
It made me laugh trying to open it a little bit then trying to squeeze through and repeat. Last night I realised the door was closed again, so I had to do the same thing and noted the shoot idea down.
Writing this I realise that I need to make sure I move them out of the bathroom…
It is so hard to know if she is in pain or not. I was cautious about giving her it as someone said that some parents just use it to make their kids drowsy, so I worry about using it for no reason. Pain might be why she hasn’t been sleeping through the night though…
He got a bit annoyed at me saying that it is hard over the phone. I said I understand why they’re on the phone… I still haven’t heard from the health visitor yet. It will be good when they finally visit, though I am nervous.
Perhaps this a polite way of saying that I do not like being made to feel that I am a bad parent and that I do not know what is wrong with my child. It might not be their intention when they say things, but that is how it makes me feel.
I didn’t bother texting Tiago as I didn’t want to stress him out. The flat is in an absolute state, so I feel bad that he has to tackle it himself. At the same time I am a bit jealous of him being out all day and just doing something non-baby related. I love B, but I would love a day off – but probably not to clean.
I didn’t even think about photographing myself as I felt so bad for B – you’ll be pleased to hear.
It does just get a bit much sometimes. She’s been so clingy this week and it’s hard to know what is wrong with her. My Mum said to call the doctors if I was worried about her, but I thought I would see how she was in an hours time. She seemed quite normal…
Fail. I had breakfast and didn’t do much else. I should have at least stretched, but nope. I guess I did try to think about how we’d organise the space we have here, and I found where we put the baby thermometer. Hurrah. So I did some things, but not really what I would have liked to do – take lots of pictures!
Boiling the water and leaving it for 30 minutes, but no longer (that’s what the box says). Then putting the powder in – to 2 small bottles as we don’t have one for as much milk as she needs and it seems like a waste for so late in the feeding game. Then you have to cool them down…
It’s all fine unless your baby is screaming as you suspect she’s hungry, but she’s usually not ready for the next feed yet.
Maybe I’m f-ing it all up by giving her breastmilk and formula – she has to have the formula in a much bigger quantity. I just don’t want to stop completely breastfeeding her.
Perhaps everything was fine and I’ve f-ed it up by giving her formula, but I do feel better when I know she is eating.
About 10 minutes after I wrote this a letter came in the post that talked about a health visitor coming to visit us here etc. I’m quite relieved, though I worry they will tell me off for how I’m doing things. Well, I’m just trying to do my best.
It’s annoying that now her latch is really good I don’t think she is getting enough via le boobz. She hasn’t slept through the night the last couple of nights – last night I gave her a boobfeed when she woke up not long after we went to bed so Tiago didn’t have to give her a dream feed and so I didn’t have to pump. Then she woke up about 1am or something and I fed her as she didn’t seem like she was going to go back to bed otherwise.
Blah blah blah, but yeah I wish she was just breastfeeding at every feed. She’s not though and I have to deal with the path I’ve led her down…
It’s some pre-mixed stuff. At her age they recommend 210ml at a feed, but they sell them in 200ml bottles. Cunning. She drank the whole bottle, but I think most babies will if you keep offering them milk.
She had been on for a little bit but not much at all. Her first bf feed of the day is quite long as there is more milk as they have not been used in 8 hours-ish usually.
After that the feeds get very short and I think she drinks them dry, and makes a sound when she comes off. Though sometimes she will drink more, but maybe it’s to do with teething and it hurts her? She seems to prefer the bottle more as I think she uses it as a teether.
She’s currently having her first nap of the day now, which is a great time to get things done. She usually sleeps for an hour and a half, but I can hear her now after 40 minutes. I’m just leaving it a minute in case she goes back to sleep.
She’s up now. I think it might be because of teething, so we gave her some paracetamol. I feel awkward about giving her it as I don’t like to take it much myself, but my Mum says that it’s best not to be shy about it. I’m sure if B could say if she wanted it or not she would want it.
Carrying this on now that she’s gone down for another nap – nearly 2 hours later.
When other people have had problems with their milk supply I’ve said ‘why do they torture themselves? why do they not just switch to formula?’ but I get it now.
However, I spend the day worrying about whether she is getting enough or not. This morning I thought she must be as she is sleeping quite well through the night at the moment, so she can’t be too hungry.
Talking to my Mum I think that maybe she is alright. It is normal for babies to lose their appetites as their mouths hurt, so we’ll see. I think I should maybe do one formula feed a day though.
I am using us not having our box of hangers as an excuse, but once we get them I do hope to start putting things away and sorting through our stuff. We definitely need to start getting rid of more things.
We were hoping to leave sooner, but by the time we got in the car B hadn’t slept in 3 hours. I thought there was no point just letting her sleep as I usually feed her every 3 hours during the day, so it made sense for her to eat before we left.
See above. She definitely wouldn’t have slept the whole time if we haven’t fed her before. It made sense to do it first as otherwise we would have had to stop at a service station, which would have been more stressful.
I also had a chat with a neighbour yesterday – we didn’t know our neighbours in Liverpool, so it’s nice having more people to chat to.
(12th November 2020: Typically since then I haven’t had any interactions with the neighbours or spoke to any people whilst out on a walk – except when I decide just to wait for them to pass instead of squeezing down a path and they say thanks.)
I wrote this post on 23rd October. I think I’m going to stop adding updates to posts when I’m about to publish them for now as often I feel like I’m adding in the same notes for many posts. Also, I think all the additions make the entries harder to read.
I used to feed her for 30-40 minutes. Earlier I tried feeding her again via boob and she got annoyed after 9 minutes on both. However, she did sound like she was trying to win some speed drinking competition, so she is definitely emptying them.
Sorry (not sorry) if it’s too much information, but this is what boobs are for.
She finishes and cries though, so then I offer her more milk.
Yeah she drinks the whole bottle, which is usually around 60ml.
When I pumped earlier I was producing about 60ml, so she must be getting similar during breastfeeds.
Again – lifesaver. I was actually quite calm about the fact that I might not be producing much milk.
After her first feed of the day I did try pumping and nothing came out, so I figured she must have gotten everything.
B was having a nap and was due to feed when she woke up, so I wouldn’t have been able to get any food for a while. B’s pushchair went in the van, so I would have had to put her in her carrier – I was excited at the idea of going to a supermarket, but nah.
It doesn’t feel like our last night. I’m sat writing this in the living room, whilst T is in the bedroom having a rest, and B is having a sleep in her cot.
There were some fireworks earlier – don’t think they were for us.
Yes, B will always B (ha) our Scouse baby, so we definitely want to show her the city when she is older and of course we want to visit our friends that we’ve made.
We moved to Liverpool wanting kids but not sure when we’d have kids. A month later after visiting Tiago’s brother, sister-in-law and niece we thought we’d start trying. It didn’t happen as quick as I thought it would. I felt lost and made a project called Ulterior Monologue to try to deal with it.
Hello! I’m writing this on 20th October <and adding notes on 5th November.>
This shoot was inspired by photos I took on my birthday shoot, but didn’t choose for the final picture.
Before I did the shoot I did a yoga video for stress – it was nice, but I did still feel stressed afterwards.
I finished a 30 days video class yesterday, but I am thinking that maybe I accidentally skipped a few classes as it seems like it ended so soon? I feel stronger, but the problem is when you finish something like that it is knowing what to do next. She does have other programs that I need to try to get into (mentally) ASAP.
<I am trying to get through a new 30 day challenge, though today I did the same video as yesterday as I felt like I could have done it better. I was doing some 10 minute videos, but they really weren’t enough. This morning I also did a baby yoga class with B as the more stretching I can do the better!>
When I say everything, really I mean a day off from responsibilities. I just miss the days where I had all day to do my own thing, and I got a lot done but also faffed. There is no time for faffing now.
(Though last night I did watch some orangutan videos. I’m more emotional at animal and baby videos now that I have a baby.)
Though I do not want a day away from B. I love when she smiles at me. The other day she had a little giggle fit which was really sweet.
I guess things will be different when she starts to eat solid foods and she doesn’t really need me 24/7, though I will miss the ease of breastfeeding and not having to prepare food etc.
<Now that we live with my Nan, things do seem a little less full on, but I still do feel overwhelmed at times. My main concern at the moment is that she is getting stimulated enough. We do the same things everyday and there are no in person classes by us, which I think would be good for both of us.>
I find it so weird that when you have a baby you pretty much get left to it. I guess in ‘normal times’ you’d have more in person support from friends and family, so people don’t see the need to worry about you.
<It has been good to see family lately and get some reassurance about things.>
I am nearly done with my coding project. I just need to edit the look of it, then I am going to take the rest of the week off (and probably another week) before I start the next and final course.
<I finished it, but now I don’t know how I had time to do a coding course. I’m going to leave it until next month I think.>
Next week I need to unpack and adjust to living in Birmingham really.
<Still need to unpack…>
Once the course is done I will have a lot more time to work on my stuff in the evenings, which will be good. I do like getting stuff done in the morning though so I feel like it’s not hanging over me all day.
<I didn’t finish the book before I had to send it back for the next person. I do want to get back into reading as I miss it, but I seem to favour sleep over staying up late to read these days.>
I do plan to, but the other night we were going to go for one later on in the day but by then it seemed easier for Tiago to go by himself. This is why I aim for the mid-afternoon really, so that if it is missed we can aim for the next one and then the next one. Actually I think we did move it twice…
I need to start ranting in a diary again so I can save all the mushy happy stuff for this project. Though the whole point of this series is to be as honest as possible, but I hate coming across as so whiney.
I actually did a baby class with B for the first time in ages between the shoot and writing this, which was really nice. I need to focus more on being the best Mum I can be, but it is difficult sometimes.
Mothering is the most intense job I’ve ever had. It is rewarding, but it is also exhausting.
She broke her wrist in a fall recently and spent a week in hospital. It seems like the best thing to do for all of us – also who knows when we will actually be able to sit in her house again if we don’t go and live with her?
<It’s nice to know that she is okay and to see her everyday.>
I am a little bit like ‘maybe I don’t want to move’, but I know give it another month and I will be super ready to go, so it’s better to go now.
I’ll mainly miss having space to make my work to be fair. I’ll just have to find a new way to work – and maybe not just have a white wall as a background all the time.
<We have barely unpacked anything and I am desperate to make some kind of studio space – well, we won’t be able to do much else during lockdown. I just have to be patient, as it’s slow work with a baby…>
We just got an email that said they want it ‘cleaned to a professional standard’. Well, when we left London we cleaned before the cleaners came in (which was something crazy like £100 that we paid when we moved in). We didn’t want the cleaners to think we were super sloppy, but we left a couple of things for them to clean and they didn’t do it – so I think we clean to a good standard.
I’ve been quite good at doing a bit every night. I feel like I am procrastinating a bit with it now as I know it is hard work, but I know I can do it. I just need to get on with it. I’ve set up the file system, I just need to do the rest of it now…
<I finished it in the end and I have a new course to start, but I’m leaving it for now.>
What would I have imagined for myself? I would have hoped that I was pregnant or had a baby, but yeah I really thought that pregnancy and motherhood was something that happened to other people and not me.