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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Stir-Crazy, Sore Boob (24th September 2020)

Me clutching a breast ice pack to my boob and looking a bit miserable
Stir-Crazy, Sore Boob (24th September 2020)
 
#IWasSoOverItThatINearlyDidNotBotherCarryingOnWithTheShoot
#IWasSoFedUpThatIAlmostDidNotBotherToWriteTheseHashtags
#ItIsOnlyThreeDaysIntoTheNewLocalLockdownAndIAmAlreadyGoingStirCrazy
#ItIsNotLikeIWasDoingMuchAnyways
#ButJustBeingAbleToSeeMyFamilyAndThingsMadeThingsABitBetter
#INeedToFeelSomeSenseOfANormalLifeAgain
#IJustFeelStuckAndFrustrated
#IAmGratefulToBeAMotherWhichIFeelTheNeedToKeepSayingThisAsIKnowHowSomePeopleWantParenthoodSoMuch
#IDoLikeBeingAMotherButIDidNotChooseToBecomeAMotherDuringAPandemic
#WhenIGoToBedAtNightNowICanNotWaitToPlayWithBInTheMorning
#AndIFeelLikeIMissHerThoughSheIsNotEvenHalfAMetreAwayFromMeInHerCot
#TheProblemIsBeingAMotherInATimeWhenICanNotReallyHangOutWithAnyoneElseOrGoToBabyClasses
#IBoughtSwimmingStuffForHerTheOtherDayAsTIsOffWorkNextWeek
#ButAllTheFamilySwimmingSlotsAreFullAtTheMomentAsOnlyTwoOrThreeFamiliesCanBeInThePoolAtOneTime
#ITotallyUnderstandWhyWeHaveLockdownAndIAgreeWithIt
#ButIAmAlsoAllowedToBeAnnoyedByThisWholeSituation
#OurOriginalPlanForNextWeekWasToGoAndSpendTimeWithMyFamily
#NowItIsLookingLikeTheWeatherWillBeCrapAndWeWillProbablyBeStuckInTheFlatForMostOfTheWeek
#TiagoSaysWeCanJustWatchFilmsAndEatNiceFood
#ThatWouldBeGoodButIAlsoHopeThatWeCanGoOutForWalksAndThings
#MyDailyHighlightAtTheMomentIsWatchingAFilmWhilstIFeedB
#UsuallySplitAcrossThreeFeedsAroundTenOneAndFour
#ButYeahOneBoobIsSoreAndIAmWorriedItIsMastitis
#BeforeMyNipplesWereSoSoreThatItUpsetMeAndIDidNotLookForwardToFeedingHer
#NowMyBoobFeelsBruisedAndHorribleSoINeedToKeepAnEyeOnIt
#IWillCallTheDoctorsIfItDoesNotFeelBetterByTomorrow
#TypicallyWhenBSleepsForLongerIPayForItWithMyBoobs
#SheWokeUpAFewTimesInTheNightButIGotHerUpAtFiveThirtyWhenSheNeededToBeChanged
#WeBothHadALongNapAfterwardsAndIDidNotFeelBadAboutIt
#LaterInTheDayIRealisedThatMyBoobWasProbablyJustBruisedFromTurningUpThePumpSettingOnMyPumpTheDayBefore

Apologies, my pictures look all the same. I feel like there is not much else I can do at the moment.

I do not even feel like writing about these hashtags much today (24th September) as they kind of say what I want to say.

I somehow feel like I am letting myself down by not expanding on them like I usually do, but there really isn’t much more to say about it.

(And then I said a hundred and one things below.)

I don’t mean to whine all the time, but I guess this is a way of venting through everything. This is why my work is therapeutic. I’m sure some people are making happy work through lockdown, but I am guessing my mood in these posts is also the general mood, right?

I guess things are different if you’re off out at pubs and not worrying anymore about getting it. I think I shouldn’t worry so much, but what if one of us got it and we weren’t okay? I don’t really want to have to deal with the after symptoms that I hear of either. I don’t want it.

I’m not sure what we would be doing if there was not a pandemic.

I guess we’d be planning to visit Tiago’s family so they could meet B.

We’d probably have gone to the supermarket as a family by now. That sounds so dull, but I have not been into a big supermarket since before lockdown. I went to a little one once, but it was too stressful. Now I am thinking I should avoid shops for a while.

I want to take B to the library, but it just seems like it is a bit of a germ factory. There would be events on there (if there wasn’t a pandemic) that I could take her too.

I’d take her to classes at the nearest children’s centre, so I could meet more local mums and feel a bit more human. T is great to live with and super supportive, but I need more human contact. He also is missing speaking to his friends and more people in real life.

Like I said I hope that we can take her swimming soon as that will at least be something different, and Tiago and I both like swimming. We hope she does too.

(12th October – We did take her swimming; it felt good to do something different. We are hoping to take her again soon, but new rules come in today that means gyms will close – I hope this does not include pools.)

I am worried about how the winter will be if I already feel like this now. It gets cold here and I don’t want us all to be sat at home running up massive heating bills, though we probably will have to accept that will be the case – at least we’re not spending money on much else.

My main focus right now should be keeping B happy; if she’s happy then I’m happy-ish.

I don’t know what I would be doing now if we didn’t have her, I’d probably still be going stir crazy but about other things.

25th September:

Well, I feel a lot better after having a good old whine yesterday.

Regarding my boob I think actually I just bruised it. The day before I had increased the power on the pump setting (it has two – one for massage, and then pump) of my pump. I hadn’t used it for at least two months because it left me feeling sore, but for some reason I felt the need to use it the other day.

I just got super stressed because I was feeling so down.

Thinking about why I’m feeling so down – this time lockdown is different for me. Before I had the countdown of B’s birth to look forward to, but now we don’t have anything to count down to. We don’t have any trips planned and now we can’t even visit my family, so we’re just stuck here for now.

This isn’t what I thought initial motherhood would be like. I thought I would finally have the time to visit more local places and go to baby groups and meet new people.

I just feel bad for B, as going to groups and stuff would be more stimulating for her than just being stuck at home or going for a daily walk (when she should be sleeping, but she doesn’t seem to).

I’m doing my best to entertain her during play time, but it’s just getting a bit repetitive. I try to mix it up, but my enthusiasm is low some days. I guess at this point she doesn’t need that much stimulation and we are just working on building her strength and introducing her to whatever we can.

I guess it is annoying that I could go to a pub or restaurant and be sat in a room with lots of strangers, but I can’t go to a baby group where social distancing measures would be put in place and it probably would be safer than a pub/restaurant/shop.

At least Tiago has next week off so I can have a little break and we can do family things together. I guess my main worry is after next week his next holiday won’t be for a while, and when will I have more support during the weekdays again?

I guess I just need to take each day at a time and try not to think about the future too much. Who knows how long this will go on for? At least B is happy and healthy, and hopefully we can go swimming soon.


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