Oh Me, Oh Mãe

We’re Thinking About Leaving Liverpool And Moving To Birmingham (10th October 2020)

B sat on a small table with T's arms supporting her
We’re Thinking About Leaving Liverpool And Moving To Birmingham (10th October 2020)


Today is World Mental Health Day, but it won’t be by the time I post this (I’m writing this on 10th October). There are too many world days that I don’t usually bother talking about, but this one feels somewhat important.

My posts have been super negative lately and I have been struggling mentally, but you’ll read that I did tell a health professional about it.

#TheOtherDayIWentForMyCervicalSmearAfterGettingALetterInThePostToBookOne #IManagedToGoWhilstBHadANapAtHomeAndTWasAroundToKeepAnEyeOnHer #ItWasTheFurthestAwayIHadEverBeenFromHer #ICouldHaveTakenHerWithMeButItSeemedUnnecessaryAndSheWokeUpJustBeforeIGotToTheFrontDoor

I got the letter a couple of weeks ago and I should have just called and tried to go when Tiago was on holiday, but that would have been too simple.

It might have been the longest that I’ve been out of the same building as her too – I went for a walk with my sister once, while Tiago was looking after her, but the timing was probably similar.

#IWasABitAwkwardAboutGoingForTheSmearAsItHasBeenAFewMonthsSinceSoManyDifferentPeopleWereAtBsBirthAndThenCheckedMyStitchesOver #InTheEndIBarelyFeltIt #IMentionMySmearBecauseIKnowThatSomePeopleDoNotGetItDoneBecauseOfAwkwardnessAndOrWorryingAboutPain

I did mention about having stitches and having a bit of scar tissue, so she said she’d be careful.

Perhaps it’s too much information for some people, but I talk about most things on here and I hope that it might encourage someone to go has been putting it off.

I remember reading a couple of years ago that the Jady Goody effect is wearing off, and in 2018 the number of smear tests were at a 20-year low – so please just go and get tested.

#AnywaysWhileIWasThereIThoughtIWouldMentionMyGeneralMoodAndHowItGoesUpAndDownALot #ISaidAboutHowIWasFrustratedByTheChildrensCentresBeingClosedAndNotBeingAbleToSeeMyFamily

I think the day before I had been quite bad, so I thought it was easiest to mention it whilst I was there.


I didn’t know.

#ButSheAskedIfIWantedHerToCallHerForMeAndISaidYes #UsuallyWhenIThinkAboutReachingOutForHelpIFeelBetterButISoonFeelBadAgainSoItSeemedLikeAGoodIdeaForHerToJustCall #IAmYetToHearAnythingButWeWillSee

I know that they look after a lot of people, so it’s no surprise that she hasn’t been in touch yet.

She probably will call when I am having a good day…

<29th October – Funnily enough when I first started to look at this post earlier she hadn’t called. Then when I was walking B I got my phone out of my pocket to check something and she called (I note getting my phone out as I would have probably missed her call otherwise).

She said that my GP hadn’t notified her that I had been feeling low (I guess they’re busy). I’m not sure how she found out – maybe she was checking my notes?

As I’m now no longer living in Liverpool – yes, we decided to move the day after I took this and moved 5 days ago – I need to be transferred to a health visitor here.

She asked if I’m still feeling low and I said at times. Earlier if you had asked me just after I called I would have said yes, but I just gave B a bottle of formula (more on that in future posts) and I feel more relaxed as I know she is eating enough now.>

#IDoNotFeelAshamedOfFeelingDownAtTimes #HavingABabyIsAMassiveLifeChange #AndThenExperiencingSuchALifeChangeDuringAPandemicIsDefinitelyARollercoaster

I said that I thought that due to the pandemic that more people were probably experiencing mental health problems – she agreed.

I said that that I know it is normal to feel down after having a baby – she agreed – and that when you add a pandemic to it that it is no surprise that I feel down a lot – she agreed.


I keep saying that it’s annoying that children’s centres are closed, whilst pubs aren’t, but by the time I post this I think the pubs might be under tighter restrictions.

I mentioned to the nurse that there are baby groups, but none are near me. She said what about zoom ones and I said I really don’t like them – I do just find being on webcam with a bunch of strangers really odd. It makes me feel anxious and awkward, which then makes me feel worse.

I haven’t even done any baby class recordings in the last week… I feel bad for that. Next week I will do better. I have just been singing Old MacDonald to B a lot though, which she seems to love.

I love this Ella Fitzgerald version – I was playing it to get the link and T laughed and said ‘that song’.

<Ooh, I’ve since danced to it so I can now link it –



I have been using it less in the last week and I think it has helped.

<Now that we have moved and we live with my Nan it doesn’t bother me so much, but I also haven’t had much time to go on social media either. I have reactivated my Facebook and logged back into my Twitter, but I don’t feel the need to go on them as much. I wanted to tell people that we had moved etc and get back in touch with people who live here.>


This too. Some good phone calls and some good video calls.

The nurse said it is important to talk to people, so I have been making an effort after shutting myself off a bit.

#ButAlsoBecauseWeAreThinkingAboutMovingCloserToMyFamily #SoJustThinkingAboutItAndTheLogisticsIsTakingUpALotOfMyBrainSpaceWhichIsGood

We have thought about it before, but now with the second lockdown it just feels like we are paying a lot of money to be ‘held like prisoners in the north’ away from my family. There is a lockdown by them too, but just knowing they are nearby when things start to shift would be nice.

Packing up the car to go and visit them was quite stressful, so that wouldn’t be a problem.

Pre-Covid we would visit them every 3 weeks or so, and once the first lockdown lifted we were going every 2 to 3 weeks.

<Well, the next day we decided to move after talking to my Nan and the rest of my/our family. It seemed liked the best thing to move in with my Nan as otherwise we wouldn’t have been able to see her and that way we knew she was alright. I was calling her everyday on the phone, so it’s much nicer to have a conversation in person and for her to see B growing up.>

#TSpokeToHisBossAndHeSaidToDoWhatIsBestForUs #AsHeMainlyWorksFromHomeItWouldNotBeTooBadHavingToCommuteHereAndThere

It’s about an hour commute now, it would be about two. That’s not too bad for once a week or so – and Tiago likes driving.

#WeNeedToGiveAMonthsNoticeTheDayBeforeRentIsDueWhichIsNextWeekSoWeWillHaveAThink #OtherwiseWeCanJustSeeHowTheNextMonthGoesButWeFeelPrettySoldOnTheIdeaOfGoing

It would be good for us – and for B.

Our flat is so cold that I am already dreading it, and it is colder up here. We’ll be stuck in a cold flat all day, and then going out for cold walk with not much else to do – I guess it might be the same in Birmingham, but we will make an effort to find somewhere better.

<It already feels a lot warmer at my Nan’s place. I’m going for a walk everyday – it’s a totally different landscape. In Liverpool we lived in the city centre, but here we’re in a suburb and I’m enjoying seeing a lot more of nature. The weather is rubbish but I don’t care – I’m quite happy walking in light rain.>

#InOtherNewsIBookedASwimmingSlotForNextWeekend #ICalledExactly40TimesBeforeIManagedToGetThroughJustBefore8InTheMorning

I thought the phoneline opened at 8, but I was checking something on the site and saw that spaces had already gone. By 8.15am there was only one slot left. Madness.

<Well, it got cancelled by tier 3 restrictions coming into place. Then they allowed the session again and asked if we wanted to rebook it for the weekend after, but we were moving that weekend.>


I did try a few different ideas, and I don’t know which one I’ll pick yet, but all of them involve B and T in some way.

<I do like this photo. Bless B and her bald patches – they’re totally normal for a baby.>


I’ll miss the few friends that we have here, but we’re not supposed to see them at the moment (meeting outside is ‘not recommended’) and most of them don’t live close to us.

At this rate we’ll see them just as much as we would if we moved away anyways…

<We’re keen to return when things get better – whenever that is.>

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They Say That It Takes A Village To Raise A Child, But We’re Cut Off From The Village (7th October 2020)

Me looking at B while she pushes her feet on my face
They Say That It Takes A Village To Raise A Child, But We’re Cut Off From The Village (7th October 2020)

<25th October: I wrote this blog post on 7th October.>

#TiagoSaysThatWeDoNotHaveAVillage #IPointedOutThatWeDoButItIsJustNotALocalVillageAsNoOneFromOurFamilyLivesCloseToUs

I am kind of bored with whining about not being able to see my family, and friends who live further afield. It sucks, but we are not the only people who can not see people.

We need the support, but I know that some of those who we can’t see have less day to day support, and I feel bad that we can’t help them right now.

#BsSleepHasGottenWorse #SheWasWakingUpAtNightBeforeButSheDidNotNeedToBeFedAndCouldBeSettled

Her crying was usually quite soft and with some reassurance she would usually go back to sleep.


I try to leave it 5 minutes before going to her, but it is so loud and she sounds so distressed that I usually only manage a minute.


I have been feeding her a three hour-ish intervals during the day, just like when she was sleeping well. She usually goes to sleep quite quickly after being fed though.

#SheHadInjectionsAndThatNightSheSleptStraightThrough #WhichWasOddAsSheDoesUsuallyWakeUp

I figured they made her drowsy, which is normal, right?


Before if I had to feed her it would usually be around 4am. Last night I had to feed her around midnight, then 4am (she was crying at 3am, but I managed to settle her until 4).


The first time I was really annoyed as it took me ages to fall asleep and I felt like I was just drifting off when she woke up.


I thought she would start crying as when she is hungry she gets upset about me putting her down on the bed first.


I think smiling and being cute is definitely due to survival instinct. How did cave women survive sore nipples without nipple cream? Smiles are powerful.


Le sigh.

#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainSinceTiagoWentBackToWork #AndTheFilmsHaveBeenHighlightsDuringLongFeeds #AsIUsuallyFeedHerFor40Minutes #ThereIsOnlySoMuchThatICanTalkToHerWhilstSheHasHerMouthFull #YesIDoFeelGuilty

Do I think that most people are watching TV/on their phones whilst feeding their baby? Yes.

Have I enjoyed watching The Addams Family movies? Yes.

We live in weird times where we aren’t able to do a lot of things right now, so I don’t want to take away things that I do have. I will try turning it down and talking to her more though – or do I just say this on my blog to try to not feel so bad?

<25th October – I haven’t watched a film while feeding her in a while…>


I seem to talk frequently about how my life is 3 hour cycles during the day.

#IThinkThisPandemicIsMakingMoreSociallyAwkwardThanIAlreadyWas #TheIdeaOfGroupChatsJustMakesMeFeelAnxious #ICanNotImagineBeingInARoomFullOfPeopleAtAnEventAnymore #ItIsSoWeird

I have mentioned before about how I feel like I am getting worse at eye contact.

I have always been better at one to one conversations than group ones. I always find them awkward – particularly now in the age of zoom. I have arranged one for today, but I do not think I will attend as I do not feel up to it. I feel too crappy and I feel like the whole thing will make me feel worse.

#WeTookBSwimmingTheOtherDay #SheSeemedToLikeItThoughWeWereOnlyInTheWaterFor20Minutes #ItWasNiceToDoSomethingDifferentAsAFamily

It was quite late in the day so I felt anxious for most of it. Pre-pandemic I would worry about what to do when I got somewhere and I would try to map it all out in my mind. Pandemic measures have just made me feel more nervous, but in the end it was fine and if we go again I will know how it all works (or most of it if the rules change).

We just floated B on the surface and moved her about. She did drink some water… Oops. She seemed to enjoy it though (the swimming, not trying a new drink) and didn’t cry at all.

It was an operation to get her dressed quick after though as she got very cold after we got out. We had to bath her when we got home and I washed my hair at home too as there were signs that said we weren’t allowed to use shampoo at the pool. So it was a day long thing in the end really.

I do want to go again, but I think every week would be a bit much.


Though I did figure out how to get her pushchair rain cover on properly yesterday so I feel a little less awkward about going out now. I realised that I had lost some of my confidence with going out – we had been going out as a family for a week and I was still not used to B’s new pushchair situation.

I am definitely going to try to go out everyday though and just keep an eye on the weather.

#INeedToJustFocusOnTakingLifeOneDayAtATime #AndTryToFindMorePositivityInThisWeirdTimeAsOtherwiseItIsGoingToBeAVeryLongWinter

I had the O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack on as I was writing the hashtags. Keep On The Sunny Side was playing as I got to the end of them.

Yesterday I happened to read something about negativity bias, which I had never heard about before but I know it is something that I need to work on changing…


I wrote all the hashtags before the shoot – except for this one. I am adding this as B plays on her mat. She is getting more grabby – with her hands and feet.

Just because I am not showing her face does not mean that she can’t be in more shoots. I guess there is only so much that we can do, but she does not seem to mind just sitting/lying on me whilst I take photos.

<25th October: A few days after this shoot and hashtag we decided to leave Liverpool and move in with my Nan in Birmingham. We arrived yesterday. Packing a flat up with a 4 month old during a pandemic was not easy, and now I am looking at the mountain of stuff wondering how we are going to unpack it all.

I tried to start on it all this morning, but I just didn’t know where to start. The good thing is we don’t need most of it right now, but it’s definitely going to be a challenge.

I could have added updates to a lot of this post like I usually do, but I address a lot of it in following posts and… I’m tired.>

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Third Family Portrait (2nd October 2020)

(I wrote this on 2nd October 2020, whilst dancing in my chair to You Know Me Better by Róisín Murphy on repeat. I haven’t listened to music properly in a while and it feels really good.

I’ve been making a big batch of dance videos every 2 weeks now and I’m looking forward to hopefully making some more tomorrow.)

<19th October – I made some, but I’m not sure if it was the next day. I am planning to dance to a new Róisín Murphy song in my next bath of videos.

I’ve been trying to post this all day, but I just haven’t had the time. I’m hoping that I can now while B is supposed to be having a catnap, but I can hear her making noise…>

Me dancing to the song, whilst 3 months pregnant…


I think this photo sums up our family quite well in some way. Me looking at the camera, and Tiago and B not. It almost looks like two photos have been edited together or something.

Third Family Portrait (2nd October 2020)


Time just flies by. I honestly thought we had already taken a third one, and I was trying to remember the image as I could only remember the second one that we took in August.


T said we could try again tomorrow when ‘we’re all clean and stuff’, but I’m sure one of them will do, and I want this project to be an accurate portrayal of how we look day to day.


I think she got overtired. We follow a schedule, but it just gets a bit messy around bedtime and I usually end up feeding her twice in that awake period.

<Her second nap was unusually bad today. I wonder if she is teething or something.

I had to go and check on her as she is definitely not sleeping now. I only want her to sleep for 20-30 minutes, but it takes more than that to try to get her to sleep at times…>

#HerBedtimeIsUsuallyBetween7And8WithADreamFeedAround10 #AndTheLastFewNightsIHaveNotFedHerUntil7InTheMorning #ThoughSheNormallyWakesUpQuiteABit #LastNightSheWokeUpLessButIStillFeltLikeIHadOnlySleptFor5Minutes

Some nights it feels like I’m up every hour settling her; last night I only woke up twice.

The second time Tiago was awake too and he said that she did one cry and I sat upright straight away. I had assumed that she had been crying for a while and I had only just woken up.

I always feel tired…

<I’ve got B up – the catnap was a failure, so I’ll just feed her shortly and then put her to bed early. T is holding her while I finish this and drink some water.

This morning I didn’t have a nap for the first time in ages, as it’s usually when she naps the best so it’s a good time to get stuff done.>


And not feeling bad about it.


To be fair the coding course is quite mentally tiring, plus everything else. The weather is colder and it is getting darker earlier, which just makes me want to hibernate. Annoyingly it’s the best time of the day to work – it’s currently 20:44. I did some coding earlier in the day, so I think I will just read my book a little tonight instead. Exciting.


Just a small amount of blood. I am hoping it goes away quick and is just my body preparing for them. Fun times.

*Cue a massive cramp.* Ergh.


My period tracker app says my period is 350+ days late.

It’s not the end of the world obviously, but to not have had one in so long and then have it start when I am going swimming for the first time in an even longer time is just bloody annoying – does that count as a pun or something?


I have heard that some women have not had them for a year or so after giving birth because of breastfeeding.

<In the end it was only very light for 2 days, so was that my period? I don’t know. It was probably my body reminding itself how they work.>

#YesterdayTiagoCommentedThatBWasLookingABitTooBigInHerBassinet #SoLastNightIAssembledTheChairElementOfHerPushchairAndSheWentInItForTheFirstTimeToday

I was thinking that maybe we should ‘upgrade’ her, so when I saw that other Mum friends had moved their babies to chairs I knew it was time.

It’s weird not being able to see her so well, but hopefully she will like looking around at people and things. It’s strange putting her in it, but I guess before long it will become normal. She looks nice and snug in it.

<I am still finding it weird. There is a little flap to check on her, but as she is usually wearing a hat I can’t see what she is doing, so I have to peep around the front.

When it’s windy her footmuff blows up at the bottom where she is too short to have her feet at the moment.>

#NewRulesGotAnnouncedForLiverpool #NoMeetingUpWithOtherPeopleInsideForAnyReason

It did seem a bit dumb that I could not see someone at their house, but I could see them in a place full of other people.


I did not know this. I just found out tonight. Great…

I get it – they can’t just make lots of exceptions, but there are no baby groups, I can’t get support from my family and now I can’t see the few friends that I have in Liverpool. Obviously it affects everyone and not just us, but it is annoying. What can we do though?

#TheNotRecommendedStuffIsABitAnnoying #EitherWeAreAllowedOrWeAreNot

Meeting in restaurants or pubs was not recommended before, which meant some people probably didn’t but others did.

We met a couple of friends for a hot drink outside of a cafe the other day, and saw a friend for a walk last weekend. Good job we saw them as now we’re not supposed to. It’s all a bit frustrating.

<Well, we’re under tier 3 restrictions now, but it does say you can meet outside.>


We had wanted to try them from a particular place for a while. I thought we would go today rather than at the weekend as it would not be so busy in town.

#IFoundTheWholeExperienceSoStressfulThatIWillNotBeWalkingThereAgainAnytimeSoon #PeopleDoNotCareAboutSocialDistancingAndIJustFeltAnxiousTheWholeTime

I think having a pushchair makes it more difficult as you can’t just easily get away from people fast. People have no problem walking super close to you.

A preacher guy wasn’t wearing a mask and came so close to me to try to give me a leaflet. I just said ‘No!’ loudly as I was so freaked out by him coming close to me. I think he made a ‘Ooh’ sound back or something.


We just wanted to get home and B needed to be fed.


She usually eats for about 30 minutes and I was so hungry.

#YesterdayWeAlsoStartedToPutHerInHer3To6MonthsOnesies #SheHasALotOfTheSamePatternsAsHer0To3MonthsOnes

I remember when the 0-3 months ones were too big on her, but now they’re quite snug so it’s funny seeing her in oversized clothes again.



<She wore another one for the first time the other day and made a mess of it pretty quickly.>


I should have known it was going to happen. I should have put a tea towel over her… Fail.


He is the man of many words.


I just want us to hang out together as a family all day everyday…

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Tiago’s First Dad Injury (28th September 2020)

A cut on Tiago's back from scraping it on a chest of drawers
Tiago’s First Dad Injury (28th September 2020)

I didn’t bother writing a blog post on the day as I thought it had said everything that needed to be said.

I also planned to combine the image with our next family portrait, however I realised that it makes it annoying to post when I have two sets of hashtags so they are better off being separate.

Tiago’s cut is healing quite nicely now.

We haven’t gone to a restaurant since the miso incident – not because of that, but because of the pandemic.

For those not in the know, the Liverpool region (where we live) is now in tier 3 of a new 3-tier system. Tier 3 means very high alert and at the moment we are in the only area to have these restrictions

I’m sure it won’t be long until other areas join us, but this now means we can do even less than before. I have no interest in going to pubs or casinos, but we can no longer go to our swimming slot on Saturday.

It’s a shame as this was a nice family activity to do, and only three families are allowed in the pool area at once so it was pretty safe. I get it, but it’s annoying.

Anyways, I’ll keep this post short as we’re actually in the process of moving.

I’ll talk about this more in future posts, but in the last week we’ve decided to move to Birmingham to be closer to my/our family. We’ve given notice on our flat and we’re now in our last month, though we plan to be out of here as soon as possible.

Who knows how long this pandemic will go on for? I doubt things will improve much in Liverpool anytime soon, and we’re basically just paying a lot of money to feel stuck in our flat and away from family who are missing out on B growing up.

T mainly works from home these days and if he has to drive to up North here and there, then that’s better than being up North permanently.

It’s already starting to get quite cold up here, so it makes sense to go before winter really sets in and things feel even more miserable…

Liverpool, it’s been great to live in you. We never knew how long we were going to be here, and in the end it turned out to be less than 2 years. We’ve met some lovely people, ate some great food (Liverpool has really good restaurants), and had some nice walks.

Shame it had to end like this, but B will always be our little Scouser. I look forward to bringing her back when she’s older and showing her around the first place she lived.

Time to pack up the flat, and for new adventures!

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Stir-Crazy, Sore Boob (24th September 2020)

Me clutching a breast ice pack to my boob and looking a bit miserable
Stir-Crazy, Sore Boob (24th September 2020)

Apologies, my pictures look all the same. I feel like there is not much else I can do at the moment.

I do not even feel like writing about these hashtags much today (24th September) as they kind of say what I want to say.

I somehow feel like I am letting myself down by not expanding on them like I usually do, but there really isn’t much more to say about it.

(And then I said a hundred and one things below.)

I don’t mean to whine all the time, but I guess this is a way of venting through everything. This is why my work is therapeutic. I’m sure some people are making happy work through lockdown, but I am guessing my mood in these posts is also the general mood, right?

I guess things are different if you’re off out at pubs and not worrying anymore about getting it. I think I shouldn’t worry so much, but what if one of us got it and we weren’t okay? I don’t really want to have to deal with the after symptoms that I hear of either. I don’t want it.

I’m not sure what we would be doing if there was not a pandemic.

I guess we’d be planning to visit Tiago’s family so they could meet B.

We’d probably have gone to the supermarket as a family by now. That sounds so dull, but I have not been into a big supermarket since before lockdown. I went to a little one once, but it was too stressful. Now I am thinking I should avoid shops for a while.

I want to take B to the library, but it just seems like it is a bit of a germ factory. There would be events on there (if there wasn’t a pandemic) that I could take her too.

I’d take her to classes at the nearest children’s centre, so I could meet more local mums and feel a bit more human. T is great to live with and super supportive, but I need more human contact. He also is missing speaking to his friends and more people in real life.

Like I said I hope that we can take her swimming soon as that will at least be something different, and Tiago and I both like swimming. We hope she does too.

(12th October – We did take her swimming; it felt good to do something different. We are hoping to take her again soon, but new rules come in today that means gyms will close – I hope this does not include pools.)

I am worried about how the winter will be if I already feel like this now. It gets cold here and I don’t want us all to be sat at home running up massive heating bills, though we probably will have to accept that will be the case – at least we’re not spending money on much else.

My main focus right now should be keeping B happy; if she’s happy then I’m happy-ish.

I don’t know what I would be doing now if we didn’t have her, I’d probably still be going stir crazy but about other things.

25th September:

Well, I feel a lot better after having a good old whine yesterday.

Regarding my boob I think actually I just bruised it. The day before I had increased the power on the pump setting (it has two – one for massage, and then pump) of my pump. I hadn’t used it for at least two months because it left me feeling sore, but for some reason I felt the need to use it the other day.

I just got super stressed because I was feeling so down.

Thinking about why I’m feeling so down – this time lockdown is different for me. Before I had the countdown of B’s birth to look forward to, but now we don’t have anything to count down to. We don’t have any trips planned and now we can’t even visit my family, so we’re just stuck here for now.

This isn’t what I thought initial motherhood would be like. I thought I would finally have the time to visit more local places and go to baby groups and meet new people.

I just feel bad for B, as going to groups and stuff would be more stimulating for her than just being stuck at home or going for a daily walk (when she should be sleeping, but she doesn’t seem to).

I’m doing my best to entertain her during play time, but it’s just getting a bit repetitive. I try to mix it up, but my enthusiasm is low some days. I guess at this point she doesn’t need that much stimulation and we are just working on building her strength and introducing her to whatever we can.

I guess it is annoying that I could go to a pub or restaurant and be sat in a room with lots of strangers, but I can’t go to a baby group where social distancing measures would be put in place and it probably would be safer than a pub/restaurant/shop.

At least Tiago has next week off so I can have a little break and we can do family things together. I guess my main worry is after next week his next holiday won’t be for a while, and when will I have more support during the weekdays again?

I guess I just need to take each day at a time and try not to think about the future too much. Who knows how long this will go on for? At least B is happy and healthy, and hopefully we can go swimming soon.

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Blowing Bubbles Like B (22nd September 2020)

Me blowing bubbles like my baby daughter does
Blowing Bubbles Like B (22nd September 2020)

(I wrote this post on 22nd September.)


This is what I aimed to do when I was pregnant, though some weeks I did more.

I guess when I was pregnant I had a body that was changing, whereas now I have a baby whose face I don’t want to show.

(8th October – I always feel like I have nothing to say, but I usually end up saying a lot.)

#IFeelLikeDuringTheDayLifeJustConsistsOfThreeHourCycles #SheWakesUpSheIsFedShePlaysSheIsChangedSheNaps #TheOrderChangesButItIsBasicallyThat

I am not a fan of constant repetition…

#TwoNightsAgoSheSleptFor8HoursBetweenFeeds #SheWentToBedAround8SheHadADreamFeedAround10ThirtyWhichSheSleptThrough #SheWokeUpAt2ButWithGentleEncouragementSheWentBackToSleep #ThenSheWokeUpAt6ThirtySoIStartedOurDayThen

We got a noise machine the day before, so I thought that may have contributed, or maybe it was because T bottle fed her two times in the evening so perhaps she drank more than she usually would?

Well, we used the noise machine again and T fed her three times, but…

#LastNightItStartedTheSameExceptSheWokeUpAtMidnight #ItWasTooEarlyToFeedHerButSheKeptCryingSoIFedHer #ThenSheWokeUpAt5AndITriedToEncourageHerBackToSleepButNope

With a baby it seems that every day is a new day, so forget what happened yesterday really.


I would have fed her, but it had only been two hours since her last feed and she didn’t seem hungry.

#ThenHeBroughtHerToMeAt8AndIFedHerAndThenItWasTimeForHerNap #SoIMessedTheDayUpReallyAsIShouldHaveJustFedHerAt7

Often her naps in the morning are quite good and we have a consistent cycle, but by the afternoon her naps get shorter, so I knew it did not matter too much. Though I will try not to let it happen again. T just seemed keen to play, so I thought why not.


Great, though the day seems a bit out of whack now.

(8th October – I get a bit obsessed with her routine. I’ve realised why – I don’t have much else to do right now; everyday is pretty much the same.)


Gripping, I know.

#YesterdaySheWasGrabbingAtTheSidesOfThePushchairForTheFirstTime #SheIsMoreGrabbyEveryDay

She grabs at any material. Below her on her changing mat is a muslin (so she doesn’t feel cold underneath) and when I pick her up it often comes with her…

(8th October – She is definitely more grabby now.)


Secret: I did take some photos of me blowing bubbles on the shoot where I imitated the cute thing that B does with her mouth.


When we play in the living room we have a bib/towel nearby for wiping up dribble. Fun times – sorry future B if she reads this.

(8th October – She wears a bib all the time now – except when she is in her cot.)


She still falls asleep a lot when I feed her. I feel like I should talk to her, but there’s only so much I can say and she doesn’t seem to care so I try to read to her. Though recently I have just started to watch films as I need to relax and this seems like a good time to do it.

Yesterday and today I have been watching the 2000s Charlie’s Angels films. I have never seen them before. Maybe because lockdown is so dull I feel like I need some action in my life? I hope B learns karate or something.


I know it is the coding course that is bothering me the most. I don’t do well with educational deadlines. I’m ahead of schedule, but still I’m getting stressed out? I’m a weirdo.

T told me to have a rest whilst B napped, but I said I was going to take the pictures for these hashtags. He said I’m nuts. I think he is right…


Will I ever stop being tired? I was going to have a nap this morning during B’s first nap, but she sleeps so well then that I knew I should get up, stretch and try to do some coding.

I’m attempting the 30 days of yoga again. I think I tried too soon before when I had a big gap (diastasis recti) and so it wasn’t the best idea. Now I think it is okay to do it though.


Oh joy. Though my Nan is under lockdown in Birmingham, so now I feel a little glad that we don’t have to try to attempt some weird meetup in a pub. Obviously I’d love to see her, but logistically it would be a right faff.

#YesterdayWeGotAnEmailSayingThatWeShouldWearMasksGoingInAndOutOfOurBuilding #IDefinitelyWillButIFeelLikeALotOfPeopleWont

T popped outside and he said the two people he saw weren’t, but maybe they haven’t seen the email yet? T doesn’t think he got the email.


Let’s see what I say about it when I get round to posting this.

(8th October – Some people do, some people don’t. I saw two guys walk into a shop earlier without masks… Do I sound like the local neighbourhood snitch? Yes.)

#IFeelLikePeopleAreGettingTooComplacent #OnMyDailyWalksPeopleGetTooCloseToMeWhichDoesFreakMeOut

Yesterday to get into the building I had to walk by two guys who were smoking right by the entrance. They barely moved for me and then I awkwardly had to open the door and get through with the pushchair, whilst they continued to stand right by it but acted like I was not there. I guess from today they will be told to move.


I can not really imagine a world where I feel safe around strangers/lots of people again. Though I did adapt pretty quickly at the hospital when I had B…

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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

I Was Feeling Overwhelmed, But I Felt Better After I Wrote About It (18th September 2020)

Me feeding B
I Was Feeling Overwhelmed, But I Felt Better After I Wrote About It (18th September 2020)

(I wrote this post on 18th September.)


I need to figure out a way to make these blog posts feel less like hard work. Sometimes I enjoy them, but sometimes I wonder why I am doing this.

#IThinkTheWordOfTheWeekIsOverwhelmed #IHaveBeenWonderingWhyAndIGuessIHaveNeverHadAnAlmost24SevenJobBefore

It is full on and I have been doing it for three months. Tiago does look after her too, but Monday to Friday 7-5ish she is mainly my responsibility, then I need to worry about producing her milk at all times.

We have been struggling with giving her a bottle feed a day as she struggles with the teats, but I think we have fixed it. I decided to get her some slow flow teats and that seems to have done the trick. Sometimes I let her suck my finger (that sounds odd) and I realised how strong she was getting, so with the other teats I think she often is drowning in milk. She had a dream feed last night with the slow teat and she drank most of it.

(5th October – The slow teats definitely did the trick. She has a dream feed with a bottle every night now and she usually feeds quite well.)


I feel like I have so many conversations going on all over the place and I am bored of them. I just want to have in person conversations, but it is difficult.

(5th October – Rules have got stricter since. I am trying to have a social media detox of sorts. I’ve deactivated my Facebook, made a long password for my Twitter that I don’t know and logged out, trying to go on Instagram less, and aiming to have more video calls and less WhatsApp chit chat.

I am finding social media difficult at the moment. Some people are living under less strict rules and have something that resembles a ‘normal’ life. The weather was so bad today that we couldn’t even go for a walk.)


All the ‘new mums’ that I know live on the other side of Liverpool.

I don’t drive, don’t really want to get public transport, and don’t want to rely on Tiago all the time.

(5th October – Well, the rules have changed now and we can no longer meet people in pubs or restaurants, and it is not recommended to meet people outdoors.)

#AndIWasHopingThatIWouldMeetMoreLocalMumsThroughTheChildrensCentreAndStuff #ButTheyHaveBeenClosedAndNowANewLocalLockdownLooksImminent

Sometimes I see women pushing pushchairs on walks and I hope they’ll talk to me, but I’m so awkward now with not having much in person interaction. I usually have my sunglasses on and can’t make eye contact when they’re off.

It’s just a weird time to meet people with social distancing and all. I’m writing this on 18th September and it looks like new rules will be introduced for Liverpool tonight.

(5th October – Yeah they changed. There are no baby classes that are easily accessible for me right now. I’m finding zoom classes awkward and I haven’t attended one ‘live’ in weeks.

I actually just got an email to say that she’s thinking about going back to in-person classes, and they’re out of the way for us. So looks like I’ll be looking into other options and probably having to embrace zoom again.)


I say we, but really it’s me as I’m the one looking after her all day.

I said to Tiago earlier that I am jealous of his life as he gets to go out for work and do stuff. He went on a bike ride last night. I want to go on a bike ride.

#WithFeedingAndChangingHerYouKnowWhatYouAreGoingToGet #ButWithNapsYouDoNotKnowIfItWillBeTwentyMinutesOrTwoHoursSoYouHaveToMoveFast

Yesterday all her naps were no longer than thirty minutes. Then I messed up with her last nap of the day as it took so long for her to go to sleep that it then basically became her bedtime. I hadn’t done any of her bedtime routine and we missed out a feeding.

We gave her a dream feed and she didn’t wake up, but she had been asleep for so long that of course she was going to wake up early in the morning. I tried to delay her feed and it worked a bit, but after 6 hours I gave up. It is recommended to not use the dummy as the first way to extend sleep, but I was so tired that I kept giving it to her first.

Last night felt like the latest I had stayed up in a while, but I did not achieve anything as I was so tired and just faffed.


You’re supposed to offer at least one nap in the cot and that one seems easy to do.


I was half hoping she would wake up, so I knew that the photo would be of one hairy leg and one shaven leg.


I was going to eat breakfast first, but I knew that would be dumb as then I wouldn’t be able to stretch properly.


Well the last two nights before tonight. I am tired all the time, but I knew that she would be asleep long enough for me to do it.

#IFeelLikeIHaveMadeMyLifeOvercomplicated #HavingToWriteAnEssayWithEachPhotoThenABlogPost

Seriously, whose bright idea was it to write a blog?

Why did I feel like now was a good time to do a coding course? To be fair, there will never be a good time to do a course again – or not until B is in school perhaps?

#ButThePicturesSeemRubbishAtTheMoment #IAmWritingThisBeforeIHaveEvenDoneAShootAsIFeelPutOffThatTheShootWillBeBad #IGuessItIsImportantToJustKeepMakingWorkAtTheMoment #ButItFeelsCrapHavingCrapPhotos

I am guessing she will wake up soon so I won’t have to worry about what picture it’s going to be right now. I don’t know how many more pictures of myself in my underwear in my living room I can deal with.

I will probably try to take a picture with her, so I should set my stuff up ready.

(It felt like the easiest thing to do was to do a shoot whilst I fed her. She moves her hands/arms around a lot whilst feeding now, so I like that I got one with her arm like this as I love arm poses. I think I have also been feeling overwhelmed though as I often feel sore from feeding and so I was dreading feeding her at times.)

#IGuessPeopleAreNotExpectingMuchFromMeRightNow #ButIAmExpectingALotFromMyself

I always expect a lot from myself.


If you’re an artist/photographer/writer/whatever you know the feeling.

#SoIGuessThisIsOneOfThosePhasesCombinedWithALotOfOtherStuff #IJustNeedToMakeMyWorkForMyselfAndAsLongAsIGetSomethingFromItThenItIsAllGood

I have had these similar phases for years. I guess I am just tired and I’ll snap out of it. Yesterday I had one of those (frequent) realisations that so many people are trying to do what I am trying to do.

I made my YouTube channel originally knowing I would get mean comments, but a mean comment yesterday made me feel really crummy. Usually people write something mean and then delete it as they know they’re being an asshole, but this person still has not deleted it.

It’s also annoying when people write something as if it is not your channel. As if it is a random video on someone else’s channel where the person who it is is not easily identifiable.

I guess you never know what is going on in someone else’s life. Sounds like they’re going through a bad time too if they feel the need to leave horrible comments on random videos.

I love the confidence that people have to write such things. Well I guess it is easy when you have no profile picture and a name that is nothing like your own. I find leaving comments awkward and I usually only write positive ones…

(5th October – I was feeling a lot better, but today I seem to have slipped a bit. Tiago was off work last week, so it was nice to have more support in the day. Now he’s back working again – though only in the other room, but I don’t like bothering him.

I don’t like not knowing when we can see my family again. It was nice to see them when we could and to have a bit of support, but now it’s all been taken away from us again. Obviously we’re not the only people affected by this and some people have less help, but it is frustrating.)


I actually need to wake B up now to feed her.

I have been trying to get up at 7am every day to have something that resembles a routine. This morning my alarm went off (the first day that I set one) and I pressed snooze. I thought B would wake up shortly anyways.

Woke up again and it was 7.40am. Okay we’ll try again tomorrow…

I don’t see why I make it such an issue when I know that she usually will have a nap again after an hour. I like to get stuff done in the morning so I can relax a little – at least I have done something today now.

(5th October – I will wake up at 3am and be wide awake, but I always feel AWFUL at 7am. I wanted a nap this morning, but I knew it was a good time to get things done as she usually sleeps alright. I then planned to nap in the afternoon, but I thought I better do the washing up and other things.)

#WeAreDueToHaveAFlatInspectionForTheFirstTimeSinceBeforeLockdown #ItSeemsSoHardToGetTheBedroomCleanAsBIsEitherAsleepInItOrSheIsAwakeAndINeedToLookAfterHer #TheClothesMountainJustNeverSeemsToGetAnySmaller

T does an excellent job of tidying the main room (living room/dining room/kitchen/my ‘studio’) but the other rooms seem to get a bit forgotten. Typically we said we wanted an early morning inspection when I feel like we need the time, but it will be good to not spend the whole day worrying. They have inspected it as a mess before.

They do not know we have a baby. I thought they would see me at an inspection and it would be obvious, but those inspections got cancelled due to the pandemic. Do you have to call to say you’ve had a baby? I don’t think so, but tomorrow they will see anyways.

I am not the world’s tidiest person, but I would actually love someone to have B for a bit so I could tidy the hell out of this flat. I want to organise things properly and get really into nesting mode.

I guess I could do it, but I write blog posts instead. And I actually feel much better after having written this one.

(5th October – We managed to get the flat looking alright and she never even commented about us having a baby. It turns out that one of our fire alarms has not had a battery in it since we moved in, so luckily that is sorted now. I was sure that they had tested it before, but obviously not.)


I do whine too much, but I think a lot of people feel the same as me, so I think it is good to share so that others might not feel so alone.

I am grateful to be a mother though and just having B smile at me makes me feel so so happy, but it is a life shock even if though you signed up for it.

Time to wake B.

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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Portrait Of A Mother Of A Three-Month-Old (15th September 2020)

Me leaning on a table
Portrait Of A Mother Of A Three-Month-Old (15th September 2020)

Apologies for another picture of me in my underwear. I said that I would not change my clothes for shoots, and as the weather is warm whilst I write this (on the 15th September) I am just lounging around like this.

It is just easier for feeding, and as I haven’t been out yet today I haven’t had to put any other clothes on. I guess it is an accurate portrayal of having a summer baby in a warm flat…

(Since writing this the weather has turned and I’ve been enjoying lounging around in a long sleeved top and pyjama bottoms.)

#WhoIsWorriedThatSheWillNotHaveTimeToWriteTheHashtagsBeforeHerBabyWakesUp #ThatWouldHaveBeenTooLongOfATitle

After seeing how long this hashtag is, it definitely would have been too long for the official title. It is annoying when titles are too long for file names or title boxes.


Will it ever stop being weird? I don’t think so. How has it been 3 months already though?

(I was thinking this morning – 2nd October – that I haven’t said this in a while, but obviously I have. We generally have a few free hours these days between her going to bed and her dream feed, which is when I usually do my coding course. I am so caught up in my own stuff that I do sometimes temporarily forget that I have a kid. That sounds bad, but it is because I still find it weird that I grew a baby inside me.)

#LastNightSheWentFor8HoursBetweenTwoFeeds #SheDidWakeUpACoupleOfTimesButSheWentBackToSleep

I have been trying to go to bed earlier. We ended up getting home late, so I fed her and we all went to bed around 11pm-ish? She woke up at 4am and I gave her her dummy thinking that she would be crying again within 5 minutes. I lay down again and I can’t remember when she next woke up, but in the end I fed her around 7am.

When I say 8 hours between feeds I mean 8 hours from the start of her last one to the start of the next one.

I woke up around 6am and managed to do some yoga, before I woke her up to feed her. I want to start getting up at 7am every day to try to have some kind of a routine.

(2nd October – The last few nights she has gone the whole night without eating until 7am-ish. Last night she only woke up once, whereas the night before she woke up about 6 times, but I just tried to leave her for 5 minutes before intervening, and the night before that she woke up a lot and I usually just offered her the dummy straight away, which shouldn’t be my first response really. I’m learning…)


She had a nap around 8.30am, and we both slept until 10.30am. I was supposed to wake her up to feed her around 10… I had to wake her up in the end as she had napped for 2 hours.


I will keep an eye on her.

(2nd October – Everything was fine; babies are supposed to sleep a lot. I was reading the other day that someone was struggling with their baby was not sleeping so well at night and someone recommended an earlier bed time. Apparently it made a big difference. Before we were aiming for a bedtime of 8pm, but now we try for 7pm-ish. )


She has her eyes closed whilst I feed her, so I need to work on keeping her more awake during feeds still. I thought she would not need a nap so soon, but she was getting cranky half way through the video so I thought I’d see if she wanted a nap.


Fun fact.


It also says to expect other things like clinginess, loss of appetite and other things. She seems to be feeding well at the moment, though I need to use nipple shields as one is quite painful and she only seems to like the other boob if it has a nipple shield on. I guess it is like sucking a dummy full of milk? The bad one just doesn’t seem to heal though.

(2nd October – I am just using nipple shields all the time now. I know you’re not supposed to, but sore nipples are horrible. I do occasionally go without to try to build up my resistance or something, but it just seems easier to use them. Okay, I’ve guilted myself into using them less.)


It is nice to see people, but I do start to get into some kind of routine at home and it goes out of the window pretty quick.

#WeHadToStopAtAServiceStationForTheFirstTimeWithHer #WeActuallyHadToStopTwiceAsTheFirstTimeIFedHerAndTheSecondTimeWeChangedHerNappyAsSheWasStillCrying

We always try to go anywhere after she has been fed. Sometimes when she is overtired she will sleep after a feed, but not last night.

Before we left the first service station we checked her nappy and it seemed fine. However, as she was crying after we left we thought it might be her nappy so T changed it on the front passenger seat (on a changing mat) at the next service station.

She was still upset after we left there, but she calmed down a little after I played white noise on my phone and tried to sooth her more. I sensed that she might just want to be cuddled, but obviously we couldn’t do that in a moving car.


She can have a long sleep or just wake up loads. I get it though, sometimes the more tired I am the harder it is to sleep. Like when I barely slept for 2 weeks after she was born…


Well she cries for other reasons, but it’s the hardest to fix. Feed? Easy (well, less so with bottles these days). Nappy change? No problem. Over tired? Oh no. I am trying to get better at realising she is tired though.


I realised too late that she was tired.


As we need to comfort her once she is in the swaddle.


It is usually turn on white noise > nappy change > swaddle > comfort > cot.

#OurNewSongIs #HeyBabyAreYouSleepy #LetsGoToBedASAP #ButASAPAsAyEssAyPee #ISangToHerForAWhileButSheWasStillFussy

Well, I made it up today. She did seem to calm down, but was fussy again in her cot.


I didn’t have to do it for long and she fell asleep. Win.

#IPlannedToDoThisShootLaterButIThoughtIMightAsWellTryToDoItNow #SoTonightICanJustFocusOnCodingOnceIGetMeTime

B was asleep and the food in the oven needed half an hour to cook. You never know when she will wake up, but I managed to do a shoot, hashtags and half off this blog post. I’m writing the rest while she feeds – this is probably why she falls asleep while eating.

So at least I won’t have all of this to worry about tonight. I just need to select the image to accompany all of this…

#IFeelQuiteStressedOutRightNow #IGuessIJustStartedANewCourseAndIHadNotDoneAShootInAFewDays

I do not really like the pictures in this project, but perhaps just doing something is better than nothing. That’s generally how it is with my work, but it would be nice if I really liked the pictures. I used to really like my pregnancy project, but looking at it yesterday maybe it isn’t even that good. I guess it is just a document of a time and that’s fine.

At least I slept well last night and had a good nap this morning.


Like I said when we visit people the routine goes out of the window. I prefer to take her out in her pushchair now, but it does not fit in the car along with everything else. This will be corrected today. I started to listen to Carrie Fisher’s biography as an audiobook whilst on walks. I love the speed up setting – particularly with my library app as you can set it to whatever speed you like. Sometimes 1.25x is too slow and 1.5x is too fast.


Wake up, feed, change, play, nap and repeat all day. I shouldn’t complain as it is rewarding, but my very first self-portraiture project was about the cycle of life. Sometimes I do find the monotonous of existing a bit dull, particularly during a pandemic. Rules are changing again, so we won’t be able to visit my Nan at home for now. Hopefully it changes again soon but who knows. We nearly didn’t make the visit, so it was lucky that we got to see her at home when we did.

(2nd October – Well, Liverpool has more lockdown rules now. So for now we can’t see anyone in their homes or gardens, and yesterday they announced a new rule of not mixing in pubs and restaurants – before it was just advised against.)

(I felt much better after finishing this post as I had been productive. B and I had a playtime full of smiles, and I got out for a walk. Win.)

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