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Waiting

The Day After I Found Out (4+ weeks)

During my pregnancy I made a project called Waiting For Things In A Time When You Rarely Wait For Things. It consists of 84 images, and I plan to post them all here on this blog with their accompanying hashtag diary texts, with the addition of outtakes and any comments I feel like making.

I hope that the project is of interest to people and that it may be helpful in some way – particularly to those who may be pregnant or someone whose partner/close friend/family member is pregnant.

As it will take me some time to post them all, if you wish to read ahead you can see the project on my Instagram account, though at the time of writing this I still have 16 images left to post from the project.

This is the first image from the series.

The Day After I Found Out (4+ weeks)
from the series Waiting For Things In A Time When You Rarely Wait For Things.

#SoIAmGoingThroughMyPicturesACoupleOfMonthsAfterTryingToEditTheProjectSoFar
#AndApparentlyIHaveBeenWritingHashtagsForEveryShootOnTheDayApartFromThisOne
#WritingThemOnTheDayIsMuchBetterButOhWell
#ILikeThatIAmWearingThisDress
#NotSureIfItWasAnAccidentOrOnPurpose
#ButItIsTheSameDressAsTheOneIAmWearingInMyPictureCalled
#ItSeemsLikeEveryoneIsPregnantExceptMe
#InMySeriesCalledUlteriorMonologue
#WhichIsAboutWantingToTalkAboutWantingToBePregnantButFeelingTooAwkwardTo
#TheDayBeforeWeHadGoneFoodShopping
#IHadBoughtCheeseThatYouAreNotSupposedToEatIfYouArePregnant
#AndTwoPregnancyTests
#IBoughtTheTestsAsIMyPeriodWasLateAndIWasHopeful
#ButBoughtTheCheeseAsIWasNotThatHopeful
#WellActuallyIWasConfusedAsItHadStartedAndStopped
#IOnlyHadATinyBitOfTheCheeseAsIWasLikeWellWhatIf
#AndThenTriedToDoATest
#ButForgotIWasGoingToDoOne
#SoIWasJustInTheBathroomForAgesDrinkingLotsOfWaterAndWaiting
#FunTimes
#ThenICameOutOfTheBathroomInShockIThink
#AndCalledTiagoIntoTheBathroomAsWeWereAtMyNans
#HeSaidHeDidNotEvenKnowWhatWasTheResultByLookingAtTheTest
#WritingThisNowIHaveABitOfABump
#OnTheDayITookAPictureOfMyBellyAndToBeFairIThoughtILookedABitPregnant
#ButMyBellyUsuallyLookedLikeThat
#AndNowIKnowMyFoodBabiesLookABitDifferentToABabyBump
#ButFoodBabiesWithABabyBumpJustLookLikeABigBabyBump
#AnywaysHereIWasAbout4AndABitWeeksPregnantOrSoTheFolderTellsMe
#IFindItOddTheWayTheyCalculateItAsPartOfThatIWasNotPregnant

A couple of outtakes


Comments

Photoshop froze during an image resize and showed this in the preview window.

I’m currently writing this with my newborn daughter (well she is a few weeks old now, when does a newborn stop being a newborn?) lying asleep on me, as represented by the picture above that I took with my phone that then got glitched by Photoshop.

In these pictures I am in shock at being pregnant, whereas now a few weeks into motherhood I am still a bit in shock that I am a mother. Writing a tweet yesterday that started with ‘Had to register my daughter for the doctors’ just felt bizarre…

Anyways, I took a pregnancy test whilst visiting family for a weekend and was not home until the next day. I did the shoot, but then didn’t look at the images for a while which explains not writing the hashtags at the time.

When I found out I was pregnant I was finishing off my project Ulterior Monologue, which was about wanting to be pregnant but not feeling able to talk about it. This was when I first started to do these hashtag diary entries, but with Ulterior Monologue I wasn’t always as honest as I wanted to be because of the awkwardness I felt around talking about wanting to be pregnant – which is where the project title comes from. I felt awkward as we had not been trying that long (it took about 9 months in the end to get pregnant and the doctors say it usually happens by the end of 2 years), but it was the only thing I could think about. We had just moved to Liverpool and I didn’t really know anyone and felt a bit lost. I was also trying to get over the stress of living in London and ended up signing for an online CBT course in anxiety not long before I found out I was pregnant.

With announcing that I was trying to get pregnant I felt like people’s comments would just annoy me and I knew people who had been trying for a long time to get pregnant, and I did not want to upset anyone. I was also worried about not getting offered jobs/being overlooked for work if people knew that I was trying to get pregnant, as they might have assumed that I soon would be.

I did do a couple of shoots after knowing I was pregnant that are part of that Ulterior Monologue; I guess because I knew I wouldn’t be sharing my news anytime soon and so I wanted to have work to post in the meantime. I ended up announcing my pregnancy (on social media anyways) when I was around 20 weeks pregnant and at the point where I felt like I wasn’t cursing myself by saying it out loud to a ‘crowd’. Until then I posted all my self-portraiture projects and video works on Instagram – I have a lot so it definitely passed the time, but I was so fed up of doing it by the end.

The hashtags mention wearing the same dress as an image from Ulterior Monologue which is called It Seems Like Everyone Is Pregnant Except Me. I don’t think I did this intentionally (like the hashtags say), but it’s a nice coincidence. It Seems Like…‘s hashtags talked the most about wanting to be pregnant, but still downplayed it.

It Seems Like Everyone Is Pregnant Except Me from the series Ulterior Monologue.

The next picture I took for Waiting For Things… was when I was 6 weeks pregnant and after that I really started to document myself – usually at least twice a week. I think being in disbelief and expecting something bad to happen was also a factor in the gap between the first and second images.

More on that picture in the next pregnancy post.