Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B Inspecting Dirt On The Floor (21st March 2021)

Me low to the ground in a stripey dress touching a piece of dirt on the carpet.
Imitating B Inspecting Dirt On The Floor (21st March 2021)
 
#NothingGetsPastBTheseDays
#EspeciallyAnyBitOfDirtOnTheFloorThatSheIsQuickToPickUp
#SheIsSoFastAndWeBreatheASighOfReliefWhenSheSitsStillForAMinute
#ThisWeekHasBeenMyBusiestWeekSinceSheWasBornIThink
#AndOfCourseItCoincidedWithBsFirstToothStartingToCutThroughHerGums
#ItIsDay6AndIDoNotThinkItHasBrokenTheSurfaceYet
#AWomanAtTheParkSaidItCanTakeUpToAMonthForAToothToFullyAppear
#WeHaveStartedToBrushBsTeethOrRatherGumsToGetHerUsedToUsDoingIt
#HerToothpasteIsFor0To2YearOldsButItSaysTheyShouldSpitItOut
#BHasBeenLaughingAtMeShowingHerHowToSpitItOutButIDoNotThinkItMattersThatMuch
#HerNapsHaveGenerallyBeenALotShorterAndSheUsuallyWakesUpAt6amNow
#IHaveBeenWorkingUntil11ishQuiteALotButThenItTakesSoLongForMyBrainToSwitchOff
#WeManagedOneEpisodeOfAShowForDateNightLastNightThenWeWentToBedAt10
#IAmDreadingTheClocksChangingNextWeekendThoughIAmLookingForwardToLighterEvenings
#YesterdayIHadPortfolioReviewsAndWorkWorkToDoSoTiagoLookedAfterBForMostOfTheDay
#IWasReadingSomethingAboutTheSuccessOfAFemaleArtistAfterHavingKidsSeemsToCorrelateToHowSupportiveTheirPartnerIs
#IFeelLuckyThatTiagoIsSupportiveOfItAllAsOtherwiseItWouldBeHarderToGetThingsDone
#ForTheNextMonthOrSoIWillBeOutALotMoreWorkingWhichMeansLessTimeForMyOwnStuffSoWeWillSeeHowThatAllGoes
#AKidAtTheParkTheOtherDayCameOverAndStartedToPushBInTheSwing
#SheDidNotKnowWhatToMakeOfItAndIWasAlsoABitUnsureOfWhatToDo
#IDoNowKnowHowToTalkToKids
#TheOtherDayICriedAsIHadQuiteATenderMomentWithB
#SheWasInspectingMyFingersWithGreatCareAndWasLaughingAtMeRaisingMyEyebrowsUpAndDown
#SheAlsoHasANewCheekyGrinWhichIsSuperAdorable
#SheLikesToPlayWithTheBalloonsThatWeBlewUpForOneOfHerBabyClasses
#SheIsYetToUnderstandThatTheyCanPopAndIAmNotLookingForwardToTheDayThatTheyDo
#RecentlySheWasReallyDiggingHerFingersIntoItAndIHatedTheNoise
#IQuicklyPutMyHandsOverMyEarsAndSheAlsoFoundThatHilarious
#INeedToDoSomeResearchIntoWhatSoundsAllAnimalsMake
#ForExampleWhatSoundDoesAGiraffeMake

#NothingGetsPastBTheseDays

I feel like I have a completely different baby to a month ago.

#EspeciallyAnyBitOfDirtOnTheFloorThatSheIsQuickToPickUp

Though I do love when she goes for the tiny hole in the kitchen floor that she thinks is dirt, but obviously can’t pick up.

#SheIsSoFastAndWeBreatheASighOfReliefWhenSheSitsStillForAMinute

Tiago looked after her a lot yesterday and said that she never stops. I was like ‘welcome to my week’.

#ThisWeekHasBeenMyBusiestWeekSinceSheWasBornIThink

Still got plenty to do, but it’ll be fine.

#AndOfCourseItCoincidedWithBsFirstToothStartingToCutThroughHerGums #ItIsDay6AndIDoNotThinkItHasBrokenTheSurfaceYet

It felt so sharp the other day, but looking at it I do not think it has come through yet. It must be horrible. Bless B.

#AWomanAtTheParkSaidItCanTakeUpToAMonthForAToothToFullyAppear

Great.

#WeHaveStartedToBrushBsTeethOrRatherGumsToGetHerUsedToUsDoingIt

I wasn’t looking forward to it, but she does not seem to mind much.

#HerToothpasteIsFor0To2YearOldsButItSaysTheyShouldSpitItOut

Lol. Imagine trying to get a 4 month old to spit it out (B is 9 months and she does not get it yet).

#BHasBeenLaughingAtMeShowingHerHowToSpitItOutButIDoNotThinkItMattersThatMuch

She has seen us brush our teeth with an electric toothbrush so when we brush hers or I pretend to brush mine I make the sound of one. I think she finds me going ‘blergh’ more funny though. The other night she would not stop laughing.

#HerNapsHaveGenerallyBeenALotShorterAndSheUsuallyWakesUpAt6amNow

Yesterday Tiago was looking forward to her naps; she slept for half an hour both times. She has been sleeping okay through the night, though last night she did wake up at 11 briefly.

#IHaveBeenWorkingUntil11ishQuiteALotButThenItTakesSoLongForMyBrainToSwitchOff

I have been falling asleep after 12 most nights, except for last night when I actually was asleep when she woke up. Typical.

#WeManagedOneEpisodeOfAShowForDateNightLastNightThenWeWentToBedAt10

We’ve been watching Through Her Eyes. We watched 2 episodes last weekend, then hadn’t watched it again until last night. Tiago has given me the go ahead to watch it by myself though, as I think he is a little freaked out/can’t be bothered to watch it. I have started to watch a lot of TV on 1.5x while doing work…

#IAmDreadingTheClocksChangingNextWeekendThoughIAmLookingForwardToLighterEvenings

I get confused by it all every time though. Thinking about it the old 6am will be 7am, so the first night might not be great (hello super early bedtime) but it could be worse. We’ll see…

#YesterdayIHadPortfolioReviewsAndWorkWorkToDoSoTiagoLookedAfterBForMostOfTheDay

I hope more things stay online after the pandemic is over. It was so much more convenient to be at home with a digital portfolio. One reviewer said she wouldn’t have been able to go to the physical reviews as she has kids to look after.

They seemed to go well and were generally positive. It seems worth noting that I only had female reviewers.

#IWasReadingSomethingAboutTheSuccessOfAFemaleArtistAfterHavingKidsSeemsToCorrelateToHowSupportiveTheirPartnerIs

I guess it makes sense.

#IFeelLuckyThatTiagoIsSupportiveOfItAllAsOtherwiseItWouldBeHarderToGetThingsDone

It’s 9.15am and this morning he’s been looking after B so I could do dance videos, do a shoot and now my hashtags and blog. B is just going down for a nap, so I hope she sleeps well. I need to do some ‘work work’ after this, but I want to make sure that Tiago has some time for his own stuff today too.

I still feel guilty about T looking after her so much, but B doesn’t see him that much during the week so it’s nice for them to spend some quality time together.

#ForTheNextMonthOrSoIWillBeOutALotMoreWorkingWhichMeansLessTimeForMyOwnStuffSoWeWillSeeHowThatAllGoes

My Mum and Tiago will be looking after her while I’m doing it. I’m looking forward to getting out more, but I worry about fitting everything in. I know it’ll be fine though.

#AKidAtTheParkTheOtherDayCameOverAndStartedToPushBInTheSwing

We had been talking to some earlier about a car, which he said was a tractor.

#SheDidNotKnowWhatToMakeOfItAndIWasAlsoABitUnsureOfWhatToDo

He had a lot of spit on his hands and B had a runny nose – fun for Covid times.

#IDoNowKnowHowToTalkToKids

I guess as B gets older I’ll figure it out, and hopefully we’ll start to hang out with more kids soon.

#TheOtherDayICriedAsIHadQuiteATenderMomentWithB

I just had to check that that was the right term.

#SheWasInspectingMyFingersWithGreatCareAndWasLaughingAtMeRaisingMyEyebrowsUpAndDown

She was sat in her high chair and it was just really sweet. I love making her laugh.

#SheAlsoHasANewCheekyGrinWhichIsSuperAdorable

I should probably imitate it for a future shoot.

(15th April: It’s the next post.)

#SheLikesToPlayWithTheBalloonsThatWeBlewUpForOneOfHerBabyClasses

She also laughs when I throw one up and enthusiastically catch it. I have a lot of fun just kicking them about and playing volleyball with them.

#SheIsYetToUnderstandThatTheyCanPopAndIAmNotLookingForwardToTheDayThatTheyDo

I am worried that it might hurt her and she will get really freaked out.

#RecentlySheWasReallyDiggingHerFingersIntoItAndIHatedTheNoise

Ergh.

#IQuicklyPutMyHandsOverMyEarsAndSheAlsoFoundThatHilarious

I live to make her laugh. Once I learn how to talk to kids I might become a kid’s entertainer…

#INeedToDoSomeResearchIntoWhatSoundsAllAnimalsMake #ForExampleWhatSoundDoesAGiraffeMake

I end up singing that ‘What Does The Fox Say?‘ song from time to time as B has a fox toy and a few books that reference foxes. I just remember hearing them mate in London a lot and that wasn’t very nice…

People like to use animals for things that aren’t really known for their noises. If in doubt a lot of animals roar, and most birds tweet, but what does a moose say? A lot of them become Pokemon in my mind as in a toucan says tou-can, and a moose says moooose.


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Categories
Pregnancy

Looking Back On Being Pregnant During A Pandemic

I probably should have wrote this a bit closer to the one year anniversary of the UK’s first lockdown (23rd March), but I guess nearly 3 weeks after isn’t so bad.

I had planned for this blog post to reflect on pregnancy and early motherhood during a pandemic, but it took me long enough to just talk about my pregnancy so expect the motherhood bit at a later date.

I’m a bit bored of sounding like a massive whiner, but this year has been tough and I know it’s been tough for everyone in different ways.

Going back to what feels like a lifetime ago – I found out I was pregnant in October 2019 and knew I wanted to document it since I’ve been making self-portraiture projects since 2010. Sometimes titles for projects take a long time to appear, but other times they are easy, and Waiting For Things In A Time When You Rarely Wait For Things arrived with little stress.

I thought it was smart and funny.

‘Well, it’s 2020 and you can order things via the little gadget in your hand and it will arrive the next morning. We can watch a whole series in one go and not have to spend a week wondering what will happen next (okay for some shows you do have to, but I didn’t have a TV so I wasn’t really watching programmes like that). And now I have to wait for 9ish months for this baby to appear.’

I thought that pregnancy was something that happened to other people and not me, so I was really intrigued to see my body changing and experience someone – who would look like me and my husband – growing inside me.

If I talked about the whole of my pregnancy then we would be here for a long time, so let’s skip to not long before the UK had it’s first lockdown.

Earlier in my project (Waiting For Things…) I remember referring to Covid and feeling awkward about it as I thought (like most people) that it would be something that would just pass. Now I wish I had mentioned it more, but I thought people would think I was paranoid. I remember when I first started to sanitise my hands in public that people would think that I was odd for doing it. I initially tried to do it as discreetly as possible.

Pregnancy In The Time Of Corona (25 weeks)
(March 2020)
 
#SoTheThreatOfCoronavirusIsMoreRealNow
#OfficialGuidanceSayItIsNotReallyAThreatToPregnantWomen
#ButIDoWorryThatIfIGetItThatThereMightBeSomeSideEffectsForTheBaby
#IAmAlsoPrettyCertainThatIfItContinuesTheWayItIsThenIWillProbablyGetIt
#IJustHopeICanDelayGettingItUntilIAmMorePregnant
#BecauseOfCoronaIHaveNoticedHowDisgustingPeopleAreInGeneral
#ISawAGuyBlowHisNoseIntoHisHandInTheSupermarketTheOtherDay
#AWomanCoughedInTheLiftYesterdayAndSheDidNotPutHerHandOverHerMouth
#AsSoonAsSheCoughedThePeopleAtTheFrontOfTheLiftLookedAroundNervously
#SoIThinkAfterTheVirusGoesIWillJustWashMyHandsMoreAndUseHandSanitiserMore
#IPushedTheButtonForTheLiftWithAKnuckleBecauseIThoughtIWasBeingSmart
#ButIPushedItIntoTheBrailleAndItStartedToBleed
#MyHandsAreSoDryFromAllTheWashingAndHandSanitising
#IFeelAwkwardUsingTheHandSanitiserInPublic
#TiagoShookSomeonesHandTheOtherDayAndIPassedHimTheHandSanitiser
#IHopeItDidNotOffendTheOtherPerson
#IfIWasNotPregnantThenIThinkIWouldBeMoreChilledOut
#AtLeastBecauseIAmPregnantWeHaveNotMadeAnyTravelPlans
#AndWeWentToTheTheatreLastWeek
#IDoNotHaveAnythingBookedInMyDiaryThatIMightHaveToCancel
#JustLocalArtEventsWhichAreAShameToMissButIDoNotWantToBeInRoomsFullOfPeople
#IWasSpeakingToSomeoneOnTheStairsInMyWorkBuildingYesterday
#AndTodayTheyWereOffAsTheyWereReallyIll
#WeWereStoodAtLeastAMetreApartAndSheWasSomeStepsLowerThanMe
#TypicallyWeWereStoodTalkingAboutCorona
#TheBumpContinuesToGrowThough
#IDownloadedThatAppToMarkWhenIFeelItMove
#AndTheOtherDayAfterTalkingAboutItItHadAQuietDayWhichFreakedMeOut
#ButIThinkItDependsWhatIAmDoing
#WhenIAmAtWorkINoticeItMoreAsIAmNotMovingAboutSoMuch

#OfficialGuidanceSayItIsNotReallyAThreatToPregnantWomen

And then 5 days later…

Pregnant People Are Now High Risk (25 and a half weeks)
(March 2020)
 
#ThingsChangeSoFastTheseDays
#IWasSayingToWorkThatIWasThinkingAboutWorkingFromHomeTheRestOfTheWeek
#BecauseOfCorona
#MyColleagueWasLikeYouAreGoingToComeBackArentYou
#ISaidYeah
#ThenByTheEndOfTheDayTheyAnnouncedNewMeasuresAndIWasLikeSeeYouWhenISeeYou
#ThenByTheTimeIGotHomeTheySaidThatPregnantPeopleWereHighRiskAndWouldHaveToSociallyDistance
#SoNowIDoNotKnowWhenIWillSeeThem
#IDidGoOutTodayThoughAsIHadErrandsToRun
#ITriedToKeepMyDistanceFromPeopleInTheQueues
#ButThenPeopleWouldBeRightNextToMe
#EvenThoughThereWasRoomToNotBe
#IHaveBeenLessAnxiousAboutTheBabyAsIAmMoreConcernedAboutMyNan
#YesterdaySheWasTellingMeToBeCareful
#AndIWasLikeNanYouAreHighRiskAndIAmNot
#ThenIGotHomeAndObviouslyItHadChanged
#ThoughIFeelLikePregnantPeopleAreNotHighRiskInOtherCountries
#IThinkBorisJustWantsToBeAtHomeWithHisPregnantFiancee
#IAmJustGoingToGoOnWalksFromNowOn
#AndLeaveTiagoToGoFoodShopping
#ThoughIMightJustStandOutsideOfTheShopAndWaitForHim
#IfTiagoGetsItIWillGetIt
#SomeoneMessagedTodayToLetThemKnowIfWeNeedStuffPickingUpIfWeBothHaveToSelfQuarantine
#ThatWarmedMyHeart
#InOtherNewsTheBabysKicksAreGettingStronger
#TiagoFinallyFeltOneTheOtherDay
#IAmBackToHavingMyOriginalMidwifeForNowAsHerOperationGotCancelled
#IHopeHerFamilyIsOkay
#SomeBabyClothesArrivedToday
#IThoughtThatTheyHadGotStuckInAnotherCountryOrCustomsSoThatWasARelief

(It’s weird seeing how short my hashtags used to be. I feel like sometimes I don’t know what to write about and before you know it I’ve reached the Instagram maximum of 30 hashtags and 2,200 characters.)

We had planned for a home birth, so my midwife appointments were all at our flat. I had the same midwife the whole time, but she was giving her father a kidney so was due to go on sick leave. However due to Covid the operation got cancelled so she never took her sick leave. I hope her family is okay.

I actually didn’t even reference going into the first lockdown in my project. My first post after lockdown just talks more excitedly about seeing the baby (B) moving for the first time.

As there wasn’t much to do though we got quite into going for walks. We lived in Liverpool city centre and originally we were walking along the riverfront which was really nice, but just a bit too busy for our liking. I was scared. I didn’t know how Covid might affect B (as an unborn baby) and I was anxious enough during my pregnancy before the pandemic.

I Want To Keep Being Able To Go For Walks (27 weeks)
(March 2020)
 
#IAmFeelingTired
#GladIDecidedYesterdayToTakePicturesOfMyselfOnTheSofaToday
#YesterdayIWasLyingOnThereWatchingMyBellyToSeeIfICouldSeeTheBabyMoving
#IHaveNotSeenTheBabyMoveAsMoveAsMuchAsTheFirstDayISawIt
#ITryToTakeABreakToSeeIfICanFeelAndSeeTheBabyMoving
#IThinkItIsMovingNow
#AndItWasDuringTheShootABit
#IDoNotThinkIWillReadBabyForumsForABit
#TheyStressedMeOutBefore
#ButNowWithCoronaTheyAreFullOfPeopleBeingMoreStressedOut
#StillTryingToGoOutForAWalkADay
#IMakeAnEffortToKeepAGoodDistanceBetweenMyselfAndOtherPeople
#TheOtherDayIWasOutsideOfASupermarket
#AWomanAndGuyCameAlong
#TheWomanWentInAndTheGuyStayedOutside
#ButHeStoodRightByTheDoor
#SoAnyoneGoingInAndOutHadToWalkLessThanAMetreAwayFromHim
#ThenYesterdayWeWereWalkingOnAVeryWidePathByTheKerb
#AGuyRanByPuffingAndPantingRightNextToUs
#IShouldHaveToldBothOfThemOff
#AndYesterdayISawTwoGuysCoughInTheStreetWithoutPuttingTheirHandsOverTheirMouths
#AndOneThenWalkedIntoTheSupermarketThatTiagoWasIn
#IWantToKeepBeingAbleToGoForWalks
#INeedTheExercise
#ButIfPeopleKeepNotKeepingTheirDistanceAndDoingDumbThingsThenIMightHaveToStop
#ThoughTheyAreTheOnesWhoShouldNotGoOut
#IFeelLikeMaybeWeWillNotGetIt
#ButMaybeIAmTryingToBeOptimistic
#ItSeemsMoreSeriousByTheDay
#IJustWantToKnowHowLongItWillGoOnForButItCouldBeALongTime

#IJustWantToKnowHowLongItWillGoOnForButItCouldBeALongTime

Lol. Did any of us think we would still be dealing with it now?

I felt like people weren’t taking instructions about social distancing seriously enough and I got stressed out. I would wait outside of the supermarket while Tiago went in, and get annoyed by people, especially as I realised how gross and unhygienic people were.

I Feel Like I Have Lost A Sense Of Urgency (27 weeks)
(March 2020)
 
#AnotherDayAtHome
#WellWeWentOutForAShortWalk
#YesterdayWeLeftOurWalkUntilTooLate
#WhenItWasStartingToGetDarkAndCold
#SoWeDidNotGoOut
#OriginallyWeWereHavingOurWalksAfterItGetsDark
#ButTheWeatherGotBetterSoWeWantedToEnjoyTheSunABit
#IHavePlentyOfThingsToKeepMeBusy
#ButIFeelLikeIHaveLostASenseOfUrgency
#LikeWhyRushAsIAmNotGoingAnywhereElse
#AFriendAskedUsIfWeWereOkayJustBeingAroundEachOtherAllDay
#YeahWeAreUsedToBeingHomeALot
#WeAreLuckyAsWeCanSitInDifferentRoomsWhilstWeAreWorkingIfWeWant
#ThoughThisWeekendWeHaveStuckToTheSameRoom
#IWasSupposedToStartPhotographingHimMoreAWhileAgo
#IDidForABitButIFeltBadBotheringHim
#HeWasOnThePhoneDoingTheWashingUpToday
#AndIWasHuggingHim
#AndIThoughtThatWouldMakeAnAlrightPicture
#SoLaterOnIAskedHimAndHeObviouslySaidYes
#ObviouslyAsInHeIsInThePicture
#AskedTiagoIfHeHadAnyCommentsAndHeSaid
#IFeelKindOfRelaxedToBeFair
#HopefulThatThingsWillGetBetterInAMonthOrTwo
#ISaidIThinkItMightTakeAWhileForThingsToGoBackToNormal
#ItMightBeAfterIGiveBirthAtThisPoint
#IThinkEvenWhenThisNonLockdownEndsIWillBeCautious
#AsItCouldQuiteEasilyComeBackAndStartAllOverAgain
#WhoKnows
#IThinkWeJustNeedToBeCareful

#AskedTiagoIfHeHadAnyCommentsAndHeSaid
#IFeelKindOfRelaxedToBeFair
#HopefulThatThingsWillGetBetterInAMonthOrTwo
#ISaidIThinkItMightTakeAWhileForThingsToGoBackToNormal
#ItMightBeAfterIGiveBirthAtThisPoint

We had been walking after dark to try to avoid the masses of people also taking walks, but soon we just started to walk in the opposite direction during daylight through the industrial area instead.

(I’m just posting pictures where the titles refer to things to do with the pandemic as there would be too many images to talk about otherwise. You can see the whole series on my Instagram.)

Tiago & His Holiday Beard (28 weeks)
(April 2020)
 
#TiagoOnlyUsuallyHasSomethingThatResemblesABeardWhenWeHaveBeenOnHoliday
#IGuessItShouldBeCalledHisLockdownBeard
#ButIAlwaysReferToHisFacialHairAsAHolidayBeard
#HeIsNotOnHolidayThoughAsHeIsWorkingFromHome
#ButStillHasVideoMeetingsToAttend
#HeJustCanNotBeBotheredToShave
#HeHasBeenInAFewPicturesInThisProject
#ButNotAsManyAsIFirstThought
#ThoughDueToLockdownItMightBeAGoodChanceToPhotographHimMore
#IThinkTryingToGetHashtagsOutOfHimLastTimeWasHardWork
#IKnewThisWeekendThatIWantedToPhotographHimThough
#WeWentOutForAWalkTodayAndThePlanWasToPhotographHimWhenWeGotHome
#IThoughtTheSofaWasASafeBetAsHeWouldBeRelaxed
#HeDidFallAsleepAtSomePoint
#HeSpentALotOfTimeTodayCookingAndTidying
#IWantedHimToHaveHisEyesClosed
#ButItDoesLookABitLikeHeIsDead
#TheWeekendsGoBySurprisinglyFast
#IAmWaitingForHimToGetOffAVideoCallWithHisParents
#AndThenIWillAskHimIfHeHasAnythingThatHeWantsToSayAboutImpendingFatherhood
#HeWasOnThePhoneForAboutAnHour
#HeSaysHeIsFeelingExcitedByIt
#ItIsBecomingMoreRealEveryDay
#HeSaysHeIsMainlyFocusedOnTheBabyAndNotThatStressedOutByCorona
#HeFeelsConnectedToTheBabyAlreadyEvenThoughHeDoesNotKnowThemYet
#FeelingThemKickIsNice
#HeLooksForwardToParentingAndGettingToKnowTheBaby
#AndTheChallengeOfIt
#HeSaysSeeingMyBumpInTheFleshIsStrangeYetNaturalAtTheSameTime

Tiago used to work from home a bit before Covid, but then he was always at home. Luckily we get along well (that’s always good if you’re married to someone) and it was nice to see him more. While I grew a baby he grew facial hair, which was weird as he only rocked a beard when we were on holiday.

He appeared in the project more than I had initially planned due to being around more.

Soon my midwife appointments would be changed from every 3 weeks to every 4 weeks. This didn’t really matter but I guess it meant we didn’t have as many as we should have. At one point my midwife sent someone else in case she wasn’t available when I gave birth, but otherwise she was the only person who I saw on a regular-ish basis during lockdown #1 besides Tiago.

It Is Odd That Quite Possibly None Of My Friends Or Family (Besides Tiago) Will See Me Heavily Pregnant In Real Life (29 weeks)
(April 2020)
 
#PeopleWarnedUsWhenWeWereTryingToGetPregnantThatWeWouldNeverBeAbleToLeaveTheHouseWhenWeWantedAgain
#IRememberShruggingAtTheTimeAndSayingItDidNotBotherMeMuch
#IHaveAlwaysLikedBookingTicketsForThingsMoreThanGoingToTheThings
#IBookTicketsAndIGetExcited
#ThenOnTheDayTheEventComesRoundIAmAlwaysFeelingTired
#IDoEnjoyEventsButIAmNotThatBothered
#NowIHaveBeenAtHomeFor3WeeksOtherThanGoingForWalks
#AndWhenRestrictionsFinallyLiftIWillNotBeRushingToGoOutForAnythingOtherThanWalks
#TheBabyMayHaveBeenBornAlreadyOrItMayHaveNot
#EitherWayIDoNotEnvisionGoingAnywhereWithTheBabyBesidesWalks
#ItIsOddThatQuitePossiblyNoneOfMyFriendsOrFamilyWillSeeMeHeavilyPregnantInRealLife
#EveryWeekIFeelLikeTheBabyIsGrowingALot
#IDidNotBotherBuyingAnyMoreMaternityClothesThanTheOnesIGotWhenIWas15Weeks
#WhichWereMainlyBrasADressAPairOfLeggingsAndACardigan
#NowIAmJustAtHomeSoIDefinitelyDoNotNeedToGetAnythingElse
#YesterdayISpentTheWholeDayLookingAtBabyStuff
#WeAreJustGoingToHaveToRiskItAndBuyStuffWithoutTrying
#IWouldRatherJustBuyEverythingSoonerRatherThanLaterSoWeDoNotHaveToWorry
#IAmThinkingThatThereIsNoPointBuyingABabyBassinetForThePushchairAsWeWillNotProbablyUseItMuch
#IWouldRatherJustCarryTheBabyInTheBeginning
#ParticularlyToAvoidAnyoneTryingToPeerIntoTheBassinetInsteadOfKeepingTheirDistance
#WeStillDoNotKnowIfItIsAGirlOrABoy
#IOftenForgetItHasAGenderWhichIsWeirdToSay
#IJustReferToThemAsTheBabyOrThem
#WhereasTiagoUsuallyStartsTalkingToTheBumpWithMyBabyBoy
#AndThenICoughInANonCovidWayAndHeSaysOrMyBabyGirl
#HeStillWantsToFindOutBeforeTheBirth
#IWantToWait
#IAmSupposedToBeHavingMoreScansButIHaveNotReceivedALetterRecently
#AndIDoNotFeelLikeChasingThemUpAsIWouldRatherAvoidGoingToTheHospitalIfICan

I was looking forward to my friends and family seeing me pregnant, I wanted to know what it was like to float in water while pregnant and … actually my wishlist wasn’t very long at all. I guess the main thing was to just really make the most of our time saying goodbye to our old lives of no responsibility, and hang out with our nearest and dearest.

It’s funny how you can take such simple things for granted.

We (my husband Tiago and I) moved to Liverpool in late 2018 and we had a small group of friends there, but a lot of our friends lived elsewhere. We had both lived in London for a number of years (me for 8ish and Tiago for 10ish), and Tiago was born in Portugal. We still haven’t seen any of Tiago’s family since December 2019 when Tiago’s brother invited everyone (their parents and us) for Christmas, otherwise we wouldn’t have seen them for a much longer time.

#IAmSupposedToBeHavingMoreScansButIHaveNotReceivedALetterRecently
#AndIDoNotFeelLikeChasingThemUpAsIWouldRatherAvoidGoingToTheHospitalIfICan

We had had all our compulsory scans before the lockdown, but I was meant to have 3 additional scans due to my BMI (if it’s under 20 you need more scans and mine was 19.9). These got cancelled, which was fine as I didn’t think it was necessary and didn’t fancy going into the hospital for them. It also meant that Tiago never missed an appointment due to restrictions, which was lucky.

#IJustReferToThemAsTheBabyOrThem
#WhereasTiagoUsuallyStartsTalkingToTheBumpWithMyBabyBoy
#AndThenICoughInANonCovidWayAndHeSaysOrMyBabyGirl
#HeStillWantsToFindOutBeforeTheBirth

We had tried to find out at previous scans, but B would not ‘present’ and I was not so secretly glad that this was the case. Due to our other scans being cancelled we did not have an opportunity to find out, so we waited until I gave birth to see that B was a girl. (I thought she was a boy at first as I could only see the umbilical cord.)

#IHaveAlwaysLikedBookingTicketsForThingsMoreThanGoingToTheThings

I was thinking the other day that I really don’t miss a lot of things. Maybe that’s because I’ve had a baby and things are more difficult. ‘Would it be worth the hassle of getting someone to look after B to go to a music gig?’ Not really.

I do daydream about going out to a private view or something though, but Tiago wouldn’t be bothered about joining me so he could look after B.

Eating Almond Butter Is My Daily Highlight Right Now (29 and a half weeks)
(April 2020)
 
#TheLastCoupleOfWeeksIHaveNoticedThatIHaveHadAFewBadEvenings
#LastWeekIWasCrankyTwoNightsInARowAndLastNightIJustFeltDown
#IFeltDownInTheEveningProbablyACoupleOfWeeksAgo
#IWasCryingAndIDidNotReallyKnowWhy
#IJustFeltOverwhelmed
#IGuessINeverExpectedToBePregnantDuringAPandemic
#IFeelMoreTiredInTheAfternoonThanTheEvenings
#ButMaybeByTheEveningsIAmMoreMentallyTired
#AfterISleepIWakeUpFeelingFine
#IThinkTheMassageMakingMeSleepLaterWasJustACoincidence
#LastNightIWokeUpAt1amThen4amThen6am
#AtLeastNowIDoNotHaveToWorryAboutCommuting
#AndTheWakingUpInTheNightIsPreparationForWhatIsToCome
#IFeltDownLastNightAgainBecauseIThinkIWasOverwhelmed
#IWantToChatWithPeopleButIJustFindItKindOfExhausting
#SeeingMessagesToReplyToMakesMeFeelABitAnxious
#PeopleAskingMeWhenIAmDue
#IDoJustNotWantItToGetToTheTimeWhenIAmDueAndBeGettingLotsOfMessagesAskingMeForBabyNews
#IWillTellPeopleWhenIAmReady
#WhichCouldBeSoonAfterTheBirthOrItMightNot
#SoIfYouHaveAskedAndIHaveToldYouInAnObviousOrVagueWayPleaseDoNotBugMe
#IfYouHaveNotAskedThenPleaseDoNotAskMe
#MyHighlightOfTheDayAtTheMomentIsWhenIEatAnAppleAndABananaWithAlmondButter
#ThisHasBeenMyDailyHighlightForAtLeastAWeek
#IReadThatEatingNutsInYourFirstTrimesterIsReallyGoodForTheBaby
#ButICouldNotEatThemAsIHadAnAversionToThem
#HopefullyItWillHelpABitNowButMaybeIAmEatingTooMuchAndItHasTheOppositeEffect
#IAmJustEatingItBecauseILoveIt
#WeCouldNotGetBananasTheOtherDayButTiagoGotSomeToday
#IEnjoyThisTreatMoreThanOurWalksAsWeWalkTheSameRouteAllTheTimeAndPeopleStressMeOutAsTheyDoNotSeemToKnowWhat2MetresIss

#TheLastCoupleOfWeeksIHaveNoticedThatIHaveHadAFewBadEvenings
#LastWeekIWasCrankyTwoNightsInARowAndLastNightIJustFeltDown
#IFeltDownInTheEveningProbablyACoupleOfWeeksAgo
#IWasCryingAndIDidNotReallyKnowWhy
#IJustFeltOverwhelmed
#IGuessINeverExpectedToBePregnantDuringAPandemic

I really did not know what to expect when pregnant, but I knew it wasn’t this. My mental health has always been a bit over the place, and my art is therapeutic for me and the main way that I try to deal with things. I felt lucky to have something to count down to during this time and I was glad that I had already started a project to work on and vent into.

#MyHighlightOfTheDayAtTheMomentIsWhenIEatAnAppleAndABananaWithAlmondButter

Sad, but small things. My daily highlight at the moment is getting out for a walk, but I do now really like this dark chocolate sea salt almond butter – I was just eating their plain stuff before which is still really good. (Yes that’s a lot of money for nut butter, but a kilo does last a long time. Some people spend money on alcohol – I like to buy nut butter.)

Who Knows How Things Will Be By The Time I Give Birth (30 weeks)
 
#IKeepTellingMyselfThatIShouldRestMore
#ButIWokeUpTodayFeelingLikeIWantedToDoAShoot
#ThisWasNotTheIdeaIHadYesterdayThatIDidNotEndUpDoing
#IRealiseThatAFewOfTheLastPicturesAllHaveAHandOrHandsOnMyBump
#IWasLookingAtThePictureOfMeAndTiagoWhenIWas19WeeksPregnantAndYouCanBarelySeeMyBump
#SoIThoughtItWouldBeNiceToRedoItWithMyBumpMoreObvious
#WeKindOfLookLikeWeirdMannequins
#WeOrderedOurPushchairAndCotToday
#ItHasBeenStressingMeOutForACoupleOfWeeksDecidingOnWhichOnesToBuy
#SoWeJustTookThePlungeTodayAsWhatIsTheWorstThatCanHappen
#ItIsSoWeirdMakingWhatFeelsLikeBigPurchasesWithoutHavingSeenThemInRealLifeOrHavingTriedThemOutFirst
#ApparentlyIfTheBabyCameNowItWouldHaveAGoodChanceOfSurviving
#SoItMadeSenseToOrderThem
#JustNeedToBuySomeSmallerThingsNowLikeMattressProtectorsAndNappies
#IAmLookingForwardToHavingItAllSorted
#ItIsNiceThatTiagoIsInTheProjectABitMoreNow
#ItIsGoingToBeWeirdWhenWeAreNotAtHomeTogetherSoMuch
#IThinkOnceTheBabyIsBornHisWorkNoLongerConsidersMeToBeVulnerable
#SoHeWillNeedToLeaveTheHouseForWorkAgain
#ButSurelyANewbornIsVulnerable
#IDoNotKnow
#WhoKnowsHowThingsWillBeByTheTimeIGiveBirth
#ItFeelsWeirdBuyingAPushchairKnowingThatItWillProbablyBeUsedForJustMyUsualSimpleWalkForALongTime
#AndMaybeIWillPreferToJustHaveTheBabyInACarrierForAWhileToAvoidAwkwardPavementEncounters
#IGuessItIsGoodToCoverAllTheOptionsAsThePushchairWillBeUsedAtSomePoint
#IHadALieDownThisAfternoonAndIThinkTheBabyWasUsingMyBladderAsATrampoline
#IThoughtIWasGoingToWetMyself
#WentOutForOurUsualWalkEarlier
#AGuyStuckHisHeadOutOfTheWindowOfAVanThatDroveFromBehindUsAndLetOutABloodCurdlingScreamAndIJumped
#HeHadHisHeadOutOfTheWindowSoIHopedHeNoticedIWasPregnantAndThenFeltBadButIAmSureHeWasJustHappyThatHeHadShowedOffInFrontOfWhoeverWasDriving
 

#IThinkOnceTheBabyIsBornHisWorkNoLongerConsidersMeToBeVulnerable
#SoHeWillNeedToLeaveTheHouseForWorkAgain

Oh yeah, I had forgotten about him being at home more as I was considered to be vulnerable. This does really feel like a lifetime ago.

#AGuyStuckHisHeadOutOfTheWindowOfAVanThatDroveFromBehindUsAndLetOutABloodCurdlingScreamAndIJumped
#HeHadHisHeadOutOfTheWindowSoIHopedHeNoticedIWasPregnantAndThenFeltBadButIAmSureHeWasJustHappyThatHeHadShowedOffInFrontOfWhoeverWasDriving

I do remember this quite clearly though. Asshole. Can I say that on my blog? It’s my blog, so yeah.

Accepting That My Old Normal Is Gone Forever (32 and a half weeks)
(May 2020)
Accepting That My Old Normal Is Gone Forever (32 and a half weeks) II
(May 2020)
 
#MeAndTiagoWereTalkingTheOtherDayAboutWhenThingsReturnToQuoteNormalUnquote
#AndIRealisedThatMyOldNormalWillProbablyNeverExistAgain
#RealisticallyTheBabyWillBeBornUnderSomeKindOfLockdown
#SomeRestrictionsMayLiftButLifeWillNotBeTheSameForAWhile
#IHaveNoDesireToRushToBeInACrowdAgain
#ToSitInARestaurantOrGoToTheCinemaOrGoToAGig
#EvenTheIdeaOfGoingToAnExhibitionFeelsAwkward
#LuckilyInLiverpoolTheyDoNotHaveTheSameCrowdednessAsShowsInLondon
#IDefinitelyWillNotBeRushingToGoToLondon
#AndWithABabyTheIdeaOfTheseThingsMightHaveSeemedABitUneasyAnyways
#ButNowIWillNotHaveThePressureOrFeelingOfWellICouldDoThings
#IThinkIWillJustBeAtHomeAndGoingOnDailyWalksForAWhile
#YouNeverKnowICouldSlipBackIntoOldLifeQuiteEasily
#ButAgainWithABabyItWillNotBeLikeMyOldLife
#MyOldLifeIsForeverGone
#AndIAmNotSadAboutItAsIWantedThisBaby
#AndPeopleWouldSayToMeIfYouHaveABabyYouWillNotJustBeAbleToGoOutWhenYouWantAgain
#AndIShruggedAndSaidIWasNotThatBothered
#AndNowWithThePandemicICareLess
#IAmEnjoyingBeingAtHomeMore
#AndSeeingTiagoALotMore
#ItWillBeWeirdWhenHeFinallyStartsGoingBackOutToWorkAgain
#MyBackHurtsALittleFromThesePicturesNow
#IWasTryingToRecreateAnOuttakeFrom11WeeksAgo
#AndIAmABitBiggerNowSoItWasNotThatEasy
#PregnancyIsDefinitelyGettingMoreUncomfortableNow
#TheExerciseVideosIHaveBeenDoingForWeeksAreGettingABitMoreHarderToDoWithABiggerBump
#IWasSupposedToHaveAMidwifeAppointmentTodayButSomeoneWentIntoLabour
#SoIWillSeeHerInACoupleOfDaysTimeInsteadAndIAmInterestedToHearAboutMyPossibleBirthOptions
#TiagoSaysILookPaleAndABitLikeJesus 

I had imagined that at some point there would be some kind of big goodbye to not being a parent. I didn’t want a baby shower, so I was relieved that I would not get one, but yes I thought I would celebrate with friends and just experience doing things for the last time child-free while realising it was the last time. Bizarre.

In February 2020 I had gone to Norway for my first solo show at Vasli Souza in Oslo, and Tiago had joined for a few days. I had imagined that we would go on another small trip before B was born, but nope. Norway is expensive and I felt bad for spending money on things, but if we had known what was to come then maybe we would have just stayed longer and done more.

At this point we are not sure when we will risk going to see Tiago’s family (it’s two flights, and it was already a lot of faff before we had a baby and Covid to think about).

I Have Told Him Before That If He Wants To Touch The Bump Then He Has To Make Sure His Hands Are Warm (22 and a half weeks)
(February 2020)
 
#IKeepGettingAdsForPregnancyPhotoShoots
#SoIThoughtIBetterTakeMoreOfOurOwn
#IWantedTiagoToRestHisHeadOnTheBump
#ButHeThoughtISaidForHimToPutHisHandsOnIt
#AndTheyWereFREEZING
#IHaveToldHimBeforeThatIfHeWantsToTouchTheBumpThenHeHasToMakeSureHisHandsAreWarm
#ThereIsAnOuttakeOfHimLaughingBecauseISaidNotHisHandsButHisHead
#AnywaysTheBumpContinuesToGrow
#IAmAtThePointNowWhereFoodCrumbsGetStuckOnTheTopOfIt
#TryingToMonitorTheMovementsStillStressesMeOut
#WhenICanFeelItMoveIFeelRelaxed
#WhenICanNotIFeelStressed
#ThisMorningTiagoWentForAShowerAndCameBackToFindMeJustLyingInBedWatchingMyBump
#IAmTryingToFaffLessOnMyPhoneSoItItOneWayOfDoingItIGuess
#WhoNeedsTechnologyWhenYouHaveAnOldFashionedBump
#ThatIsMonitoredInAllTheNewTechnologyWays
#IWasReadingAboutBraxtonHicksTheOtherDay
#IHaveNeverHeardAboutItInAllOfMyLife
#BasicallyItIsWhenYourBodyPracticesContractions
#SoNowIAmLikeWasThatAHiccupFromTheBabyOrABraxtonHicksContraction
#ItIsAFunGame
#INeedToStartThinkingAboutLookingMoreIntoHypnobirthingAndStuffNow
#AsTimeIsFlyingBy
#AndAFriendSaidThatHerFriendGaveBirthAt30Weeks
#SoIFeelLikeINeedToGetMorePrepared
#INeedToStartThinkingMoreAboutPushchairsAndAllThatStuffToo
#ThereIsSoMuchToChooseFromWhichIsAnnoying
#WeAreGoingToABabyShowSoonWhichSoundsLikeMyIdeaOfHellButIAmHopingItWillBeUseful
#TwoPeopleInTheLastWeekHaveToldMeThatILookPale
#WhichHasConcernedMeButIThinkItIsJustBecauseTheWinterIsJustDraggingOnAndMyBodyHasYetToUtiliseItsTemporarySkillOfRetainingATanForLonger
The Bump & The Beard (33 weeks)
(May 2020)
 
#ItIsFunnyHowDifferentTiagoLooksToTheOriginalThatWeTookAt22AndAHalfWeeks
#IHaveNeverSeenHimWithThisMuchFacialHairBefore
#HeSaysHeHasNeverHadThisMuchFacialHairBefore
#HeMightGetRidOfItSoon
#ItIsFunnySeeingHowMuchBiggerMyBumpIsToo
#YesterdayWeWalkedADifferentWayAsOurWalksHaveBeenGettingShorter
#WalkingDownTheSameRoadAllTheTimeIsSoDemotivating
#WeWalkedInTheDirectionThatIsMorePopular
#TiagoIsTheOneWhoGoesOutAndDoesFoodShoppingSoHeIsUsedToBeingAroundAndSeeingMorePeople
#WhereasIHaveBecomeABitScaredOfPeople
#SoItWasGoodToSeeMorePeopleAndEnjoyALongerWalkAndChangeOfScenery
#SomePeopleStillWalkABitTooCloseForMyLiking
#ItIsQuiteObviousThatIAmPregnantNowIfYouAreWalkingTowardsMe
#MaybeTheyThinkThatBecauseIAmPregnantThatIAmNotLikelyToHaveCovidAndGiveItToThem
#ButIDoNotKnowIfTheyHaveItOrNotSoIWouldPreferIfTheyKeptTheirDistance
#ItIsWeirdImaginingAWorldPostAllOfThis
#MaybeItWillFeelEasyButIThinkRealisticallyIWillBeEmergingFromThisWithABaby
#AndSoTheOutsideWorldWillBeADifferentExperienceForMeAnyways
#ItIsGoingToBeOddNotHavingTiagoAroundAllTheTime
#IHaveBeenSpoiltAsHeHasBeenMaking99PercentOfTheMeals
#ITendToJustMakeCheeseAndPickleSandwiches
#ItWillBeWeirdHavingLunchByMyself
#WellIKeepThinkingAndSayingByMyselfButIWillHaveTheBabyAround
#IPictureMyselfWithTheBabyButItStillFeelsSoFarAway
#ThoughTimeIsMovingQuick
#INeedToStartPreparingMoreAgain
#IWasDoingWellAndThenTheNCTCourseKnackeredMeOut
#SoINeedToGetBackIntoReadingMoreThingsAndBuyingTheLastBitsAndBobs
#IAskedTiagoIfHeWantedToSayAnything
#HeJustSaidThatHeIsKeenToMeetTheBaby

The first photo was taken pre-lockdown #1, but it shows how things changed for both of us between February and May.

#ItIsWeirdImaginingAWorldPostAllOfThis
#MaybeItWillFeelEasyButIThinkRealisticallyIWillBeEmergingFromThisWithABaby
#AndSoTheOutsideWorldWillBeADifferentExperienceForMeAnyways

Oh, it’s been a ride. I definitely need to save it for another post as this is getting way too long.

The Baby Just Seems So Protected And Safe In My Belly (36 and a half weeks)
(June 2020)
 
#IStillHaveNotBeenSleepingGreat
#WeOrderedSomeNewPillowsWhichArrivedYesterday
#ThoughtWeMightAsWellWithNoPlansToGoAnywhereThisSummer
#AndApparentSleepDeprivationAroundTheCorner
#ThePillowDoesFeelGreatButItDoesNotFixMyProblemOfHavingToWakeUpToTurnOver
#NotSureIfTheLackOfSleepIsDownToMyBodyTryingToPrepareMeForFutureLackOfSleep
#ThoughTalkingToOtherPregnantWomenIAmNotTheOnlyOne
#OurFavouriteFalafelPlaceHasReopenedSoWeGotTakeawayForLunch
#ThatWillProbablyBeTheHighlightOfTheWeekSoItSeemedWorthMentioning
#OtherwiseIGuessWeAreJustApproachingTheWaitingGameNow
#ItIsBabysDueMonthThoughItCouldComeNextMonth
#ABabyFromTheNCTGroupIsDueTodayAndAnotherIsDueTomorrow
#TheyAreTheFirstOnesThatAreDue
#ItWillBeInterestingToSeeWhenAll8BabiesAreBorn
#EarlyOnDateOrLate
#IHopeMineComesAfterTheDueDate
#JustToGiveMeMoreTimeToGetMyHeadAroundItAllAndWindDownABitMore
#ParticularlyAsIStillHaveWorkOnUntilTheWeekBeforeMyDueDate
#ThoughIKnowBabyWillComeWhenBabyWantsTo
#IThinkWeAreReadyEnoughThough
#WatchingThisPostNatalCourseIsReallyUsefulAsIStillFeelLikeIHaveSoMuchLearn
#AndIKnowIWillKeepLearningEveryDayOnceTheBabyArrivesAnyways
#TheBabyJustSeemsSoProtectedAndSafeInMyBelly
#ICanFeelItHiccupping
#ItGetsEverythingItWantsOnTapRightNow
#TheWholeFourthTrimesterThingMakesSense
#TheBabyNotNeedingTotalQuietAndWantingToBeCloseEtc
#LikeIHaveSaid100TimesBeforeAtLeastThePandemicAllowsUsMoreTimeToNotRushBackToNormalLife
#ThoughOurNormalLifeTheseDaysIsJustBeingAtHomeForAtLeast23HoursADayReally
#IProbablyWillJustTakeTheBabyOutForWalksAroundLiverpoolInTheBeginning

And then as my due date got nearer I seemed to not worry so much about the world’s situation, as my main thoughts were about giving birth and becoming a mother. Covid was just something we learned to deal with. We went for our walks and Tiago did the food shopping. We both worked, and I spent my days off doing my own work.

(I now realise how much time I wasted and faffed. I wish I had been quicker and spent more time relaxing, but oh well.)

We figured we wouldn’t be going anywhere anytime soon, so we just tried to make our flat nicer as we planned to stay there for a while. (Spoiler alert: We moved to Birmingham at the end of October.)

#IHopeMineComesAfterTheDueDate

Just laughing at this as I really thought I’d be a 42 weeker giving birth at home, but B came before 38 weeks and there was no home birth.

Time Is Running Out (37 and a half weeks)
(June 2020)
 
#IWasDoingMyMorningExerciseWhenICaughtMyReflectionInTheKitchenSplashBackWall
#IThoughtItWouldBeNiceToDoAMoreSilhouettedPhotoOfMyselfAndBumpAgainstTheBlinds
#SoThatIsWhatIDidThisEvening
#YesterdayEveningWeWentForAWalk
#IDidNotHaveAnyPainsOrDiscomfortAndIFeltLikeICouldWalkFasterThanNormal
#IJustDidTheWashingUpNowAndIGotSomeExtremeCrampsInTheTopOfMyLeftLeg
#AndNowTheBabyHasHiccupsWhichAlwaysMakesMeFeelUncomfortable
#TheyDoNotHurtButIJustDoNotLikeTheFeelingOfThem
#EspeciallyAsTheBabyIsHeadDownSoItJustFeelsWeird
#ItWouldNotBeSoBadIfTheyWereAtTheTopOfTheBump
#AFewDaysAgoIDecidedThatIWouldLikeToTakeSomePicturesInTheStyleOfMyMáscaraProject
#IThoughtIHadTheMakeupHereButApparentlyIDoNot
#MyMumFoundMyBagOfItAsWeHaveStillHaveSomeStuffAtFamilyHousesAndPutItInThePostToday
#SoHopefullyIGetItInTheNextCoupleOfDays
#AsTimeIsRunningOut
#MyHospitalPantsTurnedUpToday
#TheySaidTheyHadBeenDeliveredYesterdaySoIWasABitConcernedAsTheyWereNotHere
#AtTimesIKindOfForgetAboutThePandemic
#AndThenIRememberWhatIsGoingOn
#ItIsAllABitWeird
#IFeelLikeWeHaveAdaptedWellButIKnowWeArePrivileged
#ALotOfPeopleSeemToBeGoingBackToNormal
#ButIAmScared
#MeAndTiagoHaveALittleBitOfACold
#ButTheWeatherKeepsChangingAndIWasIllQuiteALotAtTheStartOfThePregnancy
#IHaveNotReallyBeenIllAtAllSinceLockdown
#SoIThinkItIsJustUsFeelingALittleRundown
#LastNightISleptThroughUntil5AMWhichHasNotHappenedInALongTime
#MaybeDoingALotOfKegelsYesterdayHelped
#AsWellAsHavingAGoodStretchingSessionAndNotSleepingMuchTheNightBefore

This is the last photo that I took for the project while pregnant.

#AtTimesIKindOfForgetAboutThePandemic
#AndThenIRememberWhatIsGoingOn
#ItIsAllABitWeird

Our new normal just became staying at home with a daily walk. I felt lucky to still be working, and that Tiago was still working, and that we hadn’t really been affected too much by Covid. I was just really unsure of how giving birth would be, but I just kept practicing my breathing that I’d learned through hypnobirthing (it was super useful in the end).

We Ended Up Waiting For Something To Happen In A Time When Everyone Was Waiting For Something (0 weeks)
(June 2020)
 
#SoOurBabyArrivedTwoWeeksEarly
#MyWatersBrokeWhenIWasInBedAtOneThirtyInTheMorningAndAtFirstIThoughtIHadWetMyself
#WeWentToTheHospitalForMonitoring
#TurnedOutThatBabyWasBreech
#TheyWantedMeToHaveACSectionButISaidNoAsIDidNotFancyTheRecoveryTime
#TheyBasicallyPutMeOnAClockAndSaidIfIWasNotInEstablishedLabourBy6PMThenIWasHavingACSectionAndIThoughtChallengeeAccepted
#IKnewIfIGotStressedOutThenMySurgesWouldNotComeOrWouldBeStopped
#IDancedBehindMyCurtainInTheWardAndIBreathedThroughEachSurge
#AtSomePointIWasExaminedAndAllowedToGoToTheDeliverySuiteAndTiagoCouldComeInTheRoom
#TheyPutACannulaInMyHandAndPutTheDateAndTimeOnIt
#ExactlyTwoHoursLaterOurBabyWasBorn
#WeDidNotKnowIfItWasABoyOrAGirl
#TheyShowedMeAndAtFirstAllICouldSeeWasThePlacentaCordAndIThoughtItWasABoy
#ButItWasAGirlWhoIWillReferToAsB
#IHadUsedATensMachineForTheFirstHalfOfLabourAndByTheSecondHalfItJustAnnoyedMe
#AfterwardsIFeltHighFromHavingJustFocusedOnMyBreathing
#AFewPeopleHaveSaidToMeThatTheyDidNotKnowVaginalBreechDeliveryWasPossible
#AnywaysIThoughtIShouldConcludeThisProjectWithSomethingThatReferencesOurBabyB
#IPlannedToGetAPictureOfTheCordStumpAttachedToHer
#ButIJustDidNotGetRoundToItAndThenYesterdayMorningWeRealisedItHadGoneAndWereTryingToFindItInHerClothes
#IGuessItFallingOffSignifiesTheCompleteEndOfHerPhysicalAttachmentToMe
#IWasAboutToSayTheEndOfMyBodyFeedingHerBodyWithNutrients
#ButIAmBreastfeedingAndItDependsHowYouDefinePhysicalAttachment
#AnywaysIThoughtThisWasANiceWayToEndTheProjectAndSayThatSheIsHereWhilstNotShowingHer
#ObviouslyIWasAnxiousALotDuringThePregnancyButItWasTheCompleteUnknownForMe
#INeverWouldHaveThoughtThatIWouldBePregnantDuringAPandemicLetAloneThatOneWouldHappen
#NowSheHasBeenBornIHaveKindOfForgottenAboutItAndIAmTryingMyBestToSleepWhilstFeelingOnTopOfTheWorld
#InTheEndWeEndedUpWaitingForSomethingToHappenInATimeWhenEveryoneWasWaitingForSomethingToHappen
#WeAlsoWaitedForHerCordStumpToFallOffSoWeCouldBathHerSoIGuessThatIsAnotherReasonToEndItLikeThis
#HopeItDoesNotGrossYouOutTooMuch

Ooh I love a nod to a project title with the last image in a series.

The hashtags are a very quick account of what happened. You can read B’s birth story here and about our hospital stay here.

#INeverWouldHaveThoughtThatIWouldBePregnantDuringAPandemicLetAloneThatOneWouldHappen
#NowSheHasBeenBornIHaveKindOfForgottenAboutItAndIAmTryingMyBestToSleepWhilstFeelingOnTopOfTheWorld

I miss those early days of feeling high on life and feeling okay about everything. In the early days she could not do much and it was nice to just learn about parenting without the pressures of having to see people and feel judged. I’m glad that I did not know how long this would go on for though.

But overall with my pregnancy – Yes I wish I had seen more friends, yes I still haven’t seen most of those friends, but I do not really think I missed out that much. The main thing that upset me was being in hospital for 4 nights without Tiago being able to visit us. It was bizarre. I was in a parallel universe in a hospital (after not being in another building besides our flat for months), with a baby and without a husband (who I had not been away from for a night since February).

The big missing out for me though has been since B has been born and it has been super frustrating. Moving to Birmingham has meant that we’ve got to be closer to some of my family, but I just feel like we’ve been locked at home for months unable to do the things that people with babies are usually able to do. I’ve felt worse lately after some good weather – which meant some nice time sat outside and a change of scenery – soon went away, but hopefully with summer on its way and more things starting to reopen soon it can only get better. She’s still yet to meet a lot of people, we haven’t been to a baby class in real life since before Christmas (we have one this week, phew!) and I get super obsessed about her routine because I haven’t had much to mess it up for a long time.

I guess I should save this for the next post though, which I will try to do soon but this has taken me way longer than I expected.

One last note though: I’m really glad that I made this project as I remember being pregnant, but it doesn’t really feel like it happened to me and that I dreamed it or something? I find it weird looking at the photos that THAT happened to my body. It’s bizarre. I definitely never imagined that I’d be pregnant during a pandemic, but I was, and thanks to Tiago for helping me get through it.


Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!

Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

First Trip On A Train In A Year (16th March 2021)

(11th April – Yeah the photo is boring, but it felt like a big moment.)

First Time On A Train In A Year (16th March 2021)

#TodayINeededToGoToBirminghamCityCentreToShowThatIAmActuallyWhoISayIAmForATemporaryJob
#IBelieveThatIHadNotBeenOnATrainSince16thMarch2020ButThatSeemsABitTooMuchOfACoincidenceToBeTrue
#IHadNotBeenToBirminghamNewStreetStationSinceJanuary2020AndIHadNotWalkedAroundBrumSinceSometimeIn2019
#IGotToMyLocalStationSuperEarlyAsIGuessIAmUsedToAimingToLeaveEarlierThanUsualWhenIActuallyNeedToBeSomewhereWithB
#HoweverTodayIWasByMyselfAndItWasOdd
#BWasNotInAGoodMoodBeforeILeftButLuckilySheKnowsMyMumWellSoWasHappyClingingToHer
#TheTicketMachineSeemedToBeOutOfOrderSoIHadToGoToTheTicketCounter
#WhenIWasAboutToPayHeOpenedUpHisHatchAndForSomeReasonIThoughtIHadToGiveHimMyCard
#HePointedToTheCardMachineWhichIHadAlreadyNoticedBeforeAndIFeltABitEmbarrassed
#ThePriceSeemedLowerThanIThoughtItWouldBeSoIMadeSureThatHeDidNotGiveMeAChildTicket
#ThinkingAboutItAfterwardsItDidSoundLikeTheRightPriceButIPaidTheSameInLiverpoolForOneStopAndAFewMinutesTrainRide
#ISatOnABenchAndWatchedAFastTrainGoPastWhichFreakedMeOutABit
#MyCarriageWasEmptyButIStillManagedToGetTerriblePhotosOfMyExperience
#ThisRemindsMeOfWhenITookPhotosOfMeInASupermarketAsIHadNotBeenInOneFor6Months
#WellWhenIGotOffTheTrainTodayIWentIntoASupermarketAndGotMyselfAMealDeal
#ThenISatInVictoriaSquareAndRememberedHowAwkwardItIsToEatInPublic
#SomeYoungWomenWereShoutingKillTheBillAndIAdmiredTheirEnergy
#IWasAlreadyFeelingTiredAsIStayedUpTooLateLastNightSkippingThroughAllTheEpisodesOfTheCelebrityCircle
#ThatFeelsDumbToSayAfterTalkingAboutPeopleProtestingButItIsTheTruth
#MyMeetingWentFineAndIHaveLotsOfStuffToGetOnWithNow
#IRanForAnEarlierTrainHomeAsICouldNotBeBotheredToSitOnThePlatformForAgesAndThereWasNowhereElseToGo
#ItFeltSoOddRunningThroughTheCityCentreAndTrainStation
#IThoughtIWouldGetToldOffOrSomethingThoughIDoNotKnowWhy
#IWoreAMaskForTheLongestAmountOfTimeTodaySinceTheFirstLockdownStartedWhichSeemsABitLate
#ISawLotsOfDucksOnTheWayHomeFromTheStationAndItMadeMeMissBAsUsuallyIPointThemOutToHer
#GotHomeAndMyMumAskedIfIHadRanHome
#MaybeILookedRedOrPerhapsIWasEarlierThanSheExpected
#SheSaidThatAtLunchBHadBeenTryingToChewToastButWasCryingOutAsSheTriedToDoSo
#LaterOnIFeltABitOfASharpToothStartingToStickOutOfHerBottomGum
#TodayIWasTheFurthestAwayThatIHaveEverBeenAwayFromHerAndThoughItWasNiceToBeByMyselfForABitIWouldHaveRatherBeenWithHer

Got to keep this short. Got to keep this brief. Too much stuff to do and I probably shouldn’t have prioritised this. Whoops.

#TodayINeededToGoToBirminghamCityCentreToShowThatIAmActuallyWhoISayIAmForATemporaryJob

Makes sense. I could be totally catfishing an employer…

#IBelieveThatIHadNotBeenOnATrainSince16thMarch2020ButThatSeemsABitTooMuchOfACoincidenceToBeTrue

It seems weird that it may have actually been an exact year. 16th March 2020 was a Monday and I’m pretty sure I was not feeling too great that day, so I said I’d next go into the office (where I did some part-time work) maybe a few days later but by the time I got home I found out that pregnant women were classed as high risk.

#IHadNotBeenToBirminghamNewStreetStationSinceJanuary2020AndIHadNotWalkedAroundBrumSinceSometimeIn2019

In January 2020 I just passed through to change trains to go to my Nan’s. Not sure when the last time I actually walked around Brum city was…

#IGotToMyLocalStationSuperEarlyAsIGuessIAmUsedToAimingToLeaveEarlierThanUsualWhenIActuallyNeedToBeSomewhereWithB

I’ve walked past it with B before on the way to baby classes in December. With B I’m usually a bit slower as I have to push her, and sometimes it is more of a leisurely pace.

#HoweverTodayIWasByMyselfAndItWasOdd

I’ve been looking forward to this trip for a while let’s face it, but it felt so odd to be by myself.

#BWasNotInAGoodMoodBeforeILeftButLuckilySheKnowsMyMumWellSoWasHappyClingingToHer

I thought she must be teething badly again. I felt bad leaving her, but I needed to go.

#TheTicketMachineSeemedToBeOutOfOrderSoIHadToGoToTheTicketCounter

I was working myself up to touch the darn machine and it was out of order. I used a lot of hand sanitiser today.

#WhenIWasAboutToPayHeOpenedUpHisHatchAndForSomeReasonIThoughtIHadToGiveHimMyCard #HePointedToTheCardMachineWhichIHadAlreadyNoticedBeforeAndIFeltABitEmbarrassed

Lol. Awkward. I was going to go say something, but I couldn’t be bothered.

#ThePriceSeemedLowerThanIThoughtItWouldBeSoIMadeSureThatHeDidNotGiveMeAChildTicket

So he thought I was more odd.

#ThinkingAboutItAfterwardsItDidSoundLikeTheRightPriceButIPaidTheSameInLiverpoolForOneStopAndAFewMinutesTrainRide

I rarely pay for anything face to face these days, and yeah I temporarily forgot how much a train ticket costs.

#ISatOnABenchAndWatchedAFastTrainGoPastWhichFreakedMeOutABit

It seemed so… fast.

#MyCarriageWasEmptyButIStillManagedToGetTerriblePhotosOfMyExperience

I even took along a tripod for my phone, but felt awkward with the CCTV camera at the end of the carriage.

#ThisRemindsMeOfWhenITookPhotosOfMeInASupermarketAsIHadNotBeenInOneFor6Months

Yeah those photos were fairly bad. This project has evolved a bit, but as I have been making work throughout the pandemic I thought I should still talk about some of this stuff.

#WellWhenIGotOffTheTrainTodayIWentIntoASupermarketAndGotMyselfAMealDeal

Yes, speaking of supermarkets. It is sad that I do miss them so much. Tiago usually does our food shopping and due to rules we don’t go with him.

I was thinking what food I could get, but I felt overwhelmed by choice. I regretted my veggie wrap decision, but I enjoyed prawn cocktail crisps.

(This is top quality boring stuff for sure.)

#ThenISatInVictoriaSquareAndRememberedHowAwkwardItIsToEatInPublic

I thought about a time when I spent ages choosing somewhere to eat a sandwich before an improv class when I lived in London. In the end I chose an area that seemed quite quiet, and as I went to take a big bite I looked up and saw a male photographer taking a photo of me.

It then reminded me of a time in France when a guy was trying to get a picture of me applying suncream, and he was so close up that it was probably a bust shot. I kept turning around whenever he picked his camera up and I said no. He was getting annoyed with me, but I said no. Then he walked off and tried to take a picture of me from further away. Some things I missed from my memories post.

(11th April: I’ve also been thinking lately about the horrible male orthodontist that I had when I was a teenager. He used to accuse me of not wearing my retainer and would tighten it SUPER tight. For the record I always wore the darn thing (especially as I did not want him to tighten it so much), and now I’m older I think that he might have just been abusing his position of power to cause unnecessary pain. Maybe he didn’t and my teeth were (and still are) genuinely rubbish, but I do wonder about it.)

#SomeYoungWomenWereShoutingKillTheBillAndIAdmiredTheirEnergy

It felt like an alternate universe of sorts for me.

#IWasAlreadyFeelingTiredAsIStayedUpTooLateLastNightSkippingThroughAllTheEpisodesOfTheCelebrityCircle

I didn’t realise they were only going to be online for another 14 hours, so I just had to skim through them for the good bits. The channel 4 app needs to have 1.5x button like Netflix.

#ThatFeelsDumbToSayAfterTalkingAboutPeopleProtestingButItIsTheTruth

I should have gone to bed earlier. I’m feeling it now.

#MyMeetingWentFineAndIHaveLotsOfStuffToGetOnWithNow

But I’m writing this and I’m not keeping it brief like I said.

#IRanForAnEarlierTrainHomeAsICouldNotBeBotheredToSitOnThePlatformForAgesAndThereWasNowhereElseToGo

I would have loved to go to a museum or gallery, but no they’re not open until mid-May?!

#ItFeltSoOddRunningThroughTheCityCentreAndTrainStation #IThoughtIWouldGetToldOffOrSomethingThoughIDoNotKnowWhy

I don’t know why it felt so wrong. I kept away from people. I guess I just felt weird running in a mask.

#IWoreAMaskForTheLongestAmountOfTimeTodaySinceTheFirstLockdownStartedWhichSeemsABitLate

I didn’t even bother taking it off after my meeting until I left my local station.

#ISawLotsOfDucksOnTheWayHomeFromTheStationAndItMadeMeMissBAsUsuallyIPointThemOutToHer

I took terrible photos of them instead and showed her them when I got home.

#GotHomeAndMyMumAskedIfIHadRanHome #MaybeILookedRedOrPerhapsIWasEarlierThanSheExpected

I was earlier than I had said. I walked fast from the station too.

#SheSaidThatAtLunchBHadBeenTryingToChewToastButWasCryingOutAsSheTriedToDoSo

🙁

#LaterOnIFeltABitOfASharpToothStartingToStickOutOfHerBottomGum

It really didn’t feel nice. Will we have a tooth tomorrow? Will B sleep well? I hope it’s a yes to both, though I’m not looking forward to brushing her tooth.

#TodayIWasTheFurthestAwayThatIHaveEverBeenAwayFromHerAndThoughItWasNiceToBeByMyselfForABitIWouldHaveRatherBeenWithHer

Cheesy but true. It just seemed so odd being away from her. I passed women with babies and it felt odd to smile at them without B.

Time to do some work…


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

First Mother’s Day / Portrait Of A Mother Of A 9 Month Old (14th March 2021)

First Mother’s Day / Portrait Of A Mother Of A 9 Month Old (14th March 2021)
 
#TiagoGotHisFirstFathersDayWhenBWasOnlyAroundAWeekOld
#IHaveHadToWaitPatientlyFor9MonthsToGetMyFirstParentsDay
#TiagoGetsReallyStressedOutAboutWhatToDoForOccasionsButHeMadeANiceCardWithALotOfTextInsideThatHeSaidBToldHimToWrite
#HeWasOnAboutGettingMeRollerBladesButMaybeItIsNotTheBestTimeToStartBreakingSomeBones
#BsSkinLookedAlmostBackToNormalAndThenItStartedToGetBadAgain
#IThinkWeWillBeDealingWithItForAWhileButIGuessAtLeastWeKnowWhatWorksNow
#IHaveBeenFeelingALotBetterThisWeekThoughIAmNotReallySureWhy
#IThinkIHaveBeenSoBusyAndIKnowThingsAreChangingSoIAmFeelingMorePositive
#IWhineSoMuchInThisProjectWhichIsAwkwardButIDoLoveBeingAMother
#SeeingBGrowingAndChangingWeekToWeekIsSoRewarding
#ButNothingCanPrepareYouForThisMassiveLifeShift
#IAmFeelingMoreRelaxedWithBsMealTimesNowThatISetA30MinuteLimit
#IfSheIsHungryThenSheWillEatItSuperFast
#IfSheIsNotEatingThenAfter10MinutesIWillTrySomethingElseLikeMixingInHerDessertWhichIsUsuallyYoghurtAndFruit
#SheHasMilkBeforeHerSecondNapNowSoEvenIfSheDoesNotEatSheUsuallyDrinksWell
#TheOtherDayIStartedToSingThatTikTokSeaShantyToHerAndSheStartedToLaughSoThatWasTheSongOfTheDay
#IHadToLookUpTheLyricsAsIRealisedThatIHadBeenMakingThemUp
#MyClowningAndImprovTrainingIsDefinitelyComingInHandyForEntertainingB
#IDoLoveToMakeHerLaugh
#WhateverMakesHerLaughIJustKeepDoingItAndAmplifyingItUntilSheIsLaughedOut
#SheCanSuddenlyPlayWithToysThatSheCouldNotHoldBeforeAndIsInterestedInALotMoreThings
#SheHasStartedToOpenDrawersSoWeNeedToDoSomeMoreBabyProofing
#WeAreTryingToTeachHerToWaveWhichSheDoesSometimesButOtherTimesSheJustClaps
#IFeelLikeIShouldReallyBeLearningMoreAboutBabySignLanguageNow
#WhenWeDoOnlineBabyClassesIReallyLikeLearningTheSignsForSongs
#IAmAlsoFindingItEasierToTalkToHerNow
#IUsuallyJustKeepSayingCanYouSayThisOrThisAndSheDoesNotButSheWillOneDay
#OrIAmLikeLookAtThisToyCarrotItIsOrangeAndGreenAndItIsAVegetable
#TheMurderOfSarahEverardHasGotMeThinkingALotAboutAwkwardAndHorribleExperiencesInMyPast
#IHopeThatThingsWillBeDifferentForBAsSheGrowsUpButWeWillHaveToWaitAndSee

I was planning for this ‘entry’ to be Portrait Of A Mother Of A 9 Month Old, but then I realised Mother’s Day was coming up so I thought I would leave it until today. I haven’t done a shoot yet, but I fancy doing one with B so hopefully we’ll do one when she wakes up from her nap.

(6th April: Well I did the shoot and it involves one of my favourite themes of making myself not look very nice. I say that I’m not going to show B’s face, but this one shows her mouth and a bit of her nose. I was going to edit it, but it seemed a bit unnecessary.

I guess I do not want to show her whole face (well I posted a photo of B wearing her jaundice machine mask when I announced her birth anyways), and I particularly don’t want to show her eyes (which were covered in that photo). I feel like I should write more about this but I’m too tired. A topic for the future?)

#TiagoGotHisFirstFathersDayWhenBWasOnlyAroundAWeekOld

And here is the entry about that. Portugal has their Father’s Day on the 19th March every year, so that’s in 5 days time.

#IHaveHadToWaitPatientlyFor9MonthsToGetMyFirstParentsDay

It looks like Mother’s Day in Portugal is the first Sunday in May. Weird that Mother’s Day moves around but Father’s Day is the same date every year? I guess Portuguese Father’s Day might mean more to Tiago?

#TiagoGetsReallyStressedOutAboutWhatToDoForOccasionsButHeMadeANiceCardWithALotOfTextInsideThatHeSaidBToldHimToWrite

Bless him. He gets super stressed then keeps talking about it as the day approaches. It’s a commercial holiday that I am not really that bothered about, but I guess it just feels somewhat momentous as it is my first. I much prefer a hand-drawn card with a nice personal message to anything else, plus as it’s the weekend he has given me plenty of time to do my work which means more to me.

#HeWasOnAboutGettingMeRollerBladesButMaybeItIsNotTheBestTimeToStartBreakingSomeBones

When we lived in Liverpool people on skateboards and roller blades/skates would constantly go past us. I used to love roller blading – I remember going round my neighbour’s garage to Gina G a lot – and going to roller discos. I was never good on hills though. Just nice flat terrain for me please. I’d be too embarrassed to go out on them by myself…

#BsSkinLookedAlmostBackToNormalAndThenItStartedToGetBadAgain #IThinkWeWillBeDealingWithItForAWhileButIGuessAtLeastWeKnowWhatWorksNow

It’s a rollercoaster. Basically we can’t be lazy. We have some hydrocortisone cream that we apply twice a day when it’s bad, but her skin go to the point where we couldn’t even see where it needed to be applied. Now it is creeping back, so we need to keep an eye on it. We also use Dermol 500 which is super easy to apply and her skin seemed to get much better when we started to apply that every hour or two the other day. Then we have Zerobase which is a heavier ointment that we use before she goes to bed, and once or twice during the day.

(I hope this may be of use for someone, but I know different things work for different people. These are all things that B has been prescribed.)

#IHaveBeenFeelingALotBetterThisWeekThoughIAmNotReallySureWhy

I generally feel better at the weekend.

#IThinkIHaveBeenSoBusyAndIKnowThingsAreChangingSoIAmFeelingMorePositive

I have a temporary part time job coming up and I’m excited to get out of the house more. Yesterday we bumped into a woman and her baby who we met the other week, so I am hoping soon we will know more people.

#IWhineSoMuchInThisProjectWhichIsAwkwardButIDoLoveBeingAMother

I worry that B will see this work when she is older and think I hated raising her. I don’t.

#SeeingBGrowingAndChangingWeekToWeekIsSoRewarding

She changes so fast. I guess I did not really know how she would be at 9 months, but she seems to be doing more than I thought she would?

#ButNothingCanPrepareYouForThisMassiveLifeShift

I never really stayed in bed until late, but I definitely wasn’t waking up between 6 and 7 every day. You just get used to it and adjust your bedtime I guess, but that is the biggest shock I think really. We could let her lie in, but then she’ll probably go to bed later and I like having free time in the evening. Plus now she is often awake before 7 (when we’d like to get up) so that wouldn’t work.

#IAmFeelingMoreRelaxedWithBsMealTimesNowThatISetA30MinuteLimit

I thought I had mentioned this in previous hashtags, but maybe I didn’t? Well at meals now I give her 30 minutes to eat as otherwise we can sit there for an hour with me getting stressed.

#IfSheIsHungryThenSheWillEatItSuperFast

Breakfast is usually 15 minutes.

#IfSheIsNotEatingThenAfter10MinutesIWillTrySomethingElseLikeMixingInHerDessertWhichIsUsuallyYoghurtAndFruit

Yesterday she wasn’t eating dinner, but then I started to give her a bit of yoghurt with mango and she got eating so then I mixed it all together and she ate 90% of it. Great.

#SheHasMilkBeforeHerSecondNapNowSoEvenIfSheDoesNotEatSheUsuallyDrinksWell

Maybe I talked about this before, I’m not sure. Before she was just having milk when she woke up and before she went to bed, but on my sister’s suggestion we now give her milk then. It makes me feel not so stressed about her maybe not eating so much lunch.

#TheOtherDayIStartedToSingThatTikTokSeaShantyToHerAndSheStartedToLaughSoThatWasTheSongOfTheDay

This song. I’ve sung it so many times that I’m getting better at hitting a lower note at the end of the chorus. I’m not sure why she likes it, but she claps. I kept making videos of her doing stuff, then I’d start to sing it and she’d look at me.

#IHadToLookUpTheLyricsAsIRealisedThatIHadBeenMakingThemUp

Apparently it’s not about a weatherman, but a wellerman (which is the name of the song.)

#MyClowningAndImprovTrainingIsDefinitelyComingInHandyForEntertainingB

When we (Tiago and me, as B was not born yet) lived in London I used to do a lot of improv classes and courses, and I did a couple of clowning courses too. I started a stand-up comedy course but we moved to Liverpool before I finished it. It is something that I would like to revisit at some point.

#IDoLoveToMakeHerLaugh

I love to make anyone laugh, but the sound of babies laughing is one of the best in the world.

#WhateverMakesHerLaughIJustKeepDoingItAndAmplifyingItUntilSheIsLaughedOut

It’s great training. I’ve thought that maybe I should be a children’s entertainer? It seems less scary than making adults laugh.

#SheCanSuddenlyPlayWithToysThatSheCouldNotHoldBeforeAndIsInterestedInALotMoreThings

I love digging out a toy that she did not look at twice when she last saw it, but now she can really interact with it. I think I feel happier too as she can entertain herself a bit better now and is happy as long as you’re sat next to her. Tiago likes to lie on the floor while B crawls over him and chills next to him playing with her toys.

#SheHasStartedToOpenDrawersSoWeNeedToDoSomeMoreBabyProofing

Anything that she shouldn’t play with she obviously loves. My Nan has a trolley that looks a bit like a tea cart. She loves to stick her fingers in the wheels…

#WeAreTryingToTeachHerToWaveWhichSheDoesSometimesButOtherTimesSheJustClaps

She’s young. She’s got time. One moment she will really get it and switch between clapping and waving, and then she’ll just clap. The YouTube baby classes that we do talk about clapping more than they do waving, so it’s fair enough.

#IFeelLikeIShouldReallyBeLearningMoreAboutBabySignLanguageNow

I did look for a local class but one was too far away really and there was a waiting list, so I’ll just look for more online videos.

Here are a few.

#WhenWeDoOnlineBabyClassesIReallyLikeLearningTheSignsForSongs

I feel like I am learning something and using my brain, which feels quite nice. It’s a good memory test.

#IAmAlsoFindingItEasierToTalkToHerNow #IUsuallyJustKeepSayingCanYouSayThisOrThisAndSheDoesNotButSheWillOneDay #OrIAmLikeLookAtThisToyCarrotItIsOrangeAndGreenAndItIsAVegetable

I’ve said a lot in the past that I do not know what to say to B all day. I guess I have been overthinking it a lot. I can just keep it simple. ‘Say hi’ say hello etc.’ and then just talking about the colours of things and pointing things out to her etc.

#TheMurderOfSarahEverardHasGotMeThinkingALotAboutAwkwardAndHorribleExperiencesInMyPast

This feels quite randomly slot into the bottom. I originally wanted to say more about it, but yesterday I ended up writing a blog post about it all instead. I feel a bit awkward about it, but I ended up spending a lot of my free time in the morning on it so I thought I should share it.

#IHopeThatThingsWillBeDifferentForBAsSheGrowsUpButWeWillHaveToWaitAndSee

Fingers crossed. I want her to grow up feeling more confident than I ever did, and her to feel able to call out/tell someone/report when something is not right, or something bad has happened.


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Imitating How B Clapped Her Hands Until Two Days Ago (10th March 2021)

Imitating How B Clapped Until Two Days Ago (10th March 2021)
 
#UntilTwoDaysAgoBWasClappingLikeSheWasLookingForAFight
#SheLikesToClapAboutEverythingAtTheMoment
#EvenThoughHerSkinGotWorseAgainAndSheHasAColdAndSheIsTeething
#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAsWeOpenedANewTubeOfHydrocortisoneCreamAndItSaidToOnlyUseItForAWeek
#WeHaveBeenUsingItForTwoWeeksAndAsADoctorSaidToUseItTwoTimesADayUntilItWasMuchBetterWeWereOnlyApplyingItOnceADay
#ThisDoctorSaidItIsFineToKeepUsingItTwiceADayAndBsSkinHasGotMuchBetterAlready
#WeJustNeedToKeepApplyingHerOtherCreamEveryHourOrSoAndItDefinitelyMakesADifferenceToo
#SheHasARunnyNoseWhichSheDoesNotLikeHavingWipedSoThatMakesForALotOfFun
#AtTheWeekendSheWasCrawlingALittleBitButThenSheWasSuddenlyOffAroundTheRoom
#YesterdaySheCrawledIntoTheKitchenAndPushedHerselfUpToStandingOnTheStepladderThatISitOnToFeedHer
#ItIsAmazingHowMuchSheChangesWeekToWeek
#AtTheMomentWeAreTryingToHaveTheTelevisionOnLessAndSpendMoreTimeInHerRoom
#ItIsMyNansHouseSoIfSheWantsTheTelevisionOnThenSheShouldHaveItOnButIFeelGuiltyForWatchingIt
#BHasMuchBetterPlaytimeWhenItIsNotOnAndWeReadMoreBooksAndSheCrawlsMore
#MoreCrawlingEqualsBetterSleepWhichIsGoodForUsAll
#IAmStillStressedOutWithMealsButNowIJustSeeWhatSheEatsInHalfAnHourAndLeaveItAtThat
#SheDoesNotSeemToLikeMeFeedingHerAtLunchAndDinnerButIfSheHasSomeKindOfFingerFoodThenSheDoesNotMind
#ItIs5WeeksUntilWeCanAttendAnInPersonBabyClassAgain
#FriendsElsewhereInTheCountryAreAlreadyAttendingBabyGroupsAndOutdoorClassesAndIAmJealous
#EvenThoughISaidBeforeThatTheBabyWalksNearUsAreNotFairOnBAsSheIsABitBoredIHaveTriedToBookSinceButTheyAreAlwaysSoldOut
#ItIsAnnoyingAsIKnowThatPeopleDoNotShowUpAndSoThereAreAlwaysFreeSpotsButOhWell
#ItIsAwkwardWalkingAroundInAGroupLikeThatAndBGetsNothingFromIt
#WhenWeDoOnlineClassesNowBKeepsCrawlingOverToMyLaptopAndSmashesAllTheKeys
#SometimesSheEndsUpTurningMyCameraOffOrUnmutingUsSoItIsAwkwardButFunny
#ThereIsAnOnlineCoffeeMorningTodayWithAMumAppThatIUse
#IWasGoingToAttendButNowIDoNotSeeThePointAsItIsHighlyUnlikelyThatAnyOfTheMumsWillLiveNearUs
#WeJustNeedToWaitThingsOutAndHopeThatThingsDoNotRevert
#IGuessItIsForTheBestThatWeCanNotGoToAnythingAsHopefullyByTheTimeWeCanMyNanWillHaveHadHerSecondVaccine
#IKnowItWillNotCompletelyProtectHerButItWillMakeThingsALittleLessStressful
#SheIsAlsoGettingFedUpOfBeingAtHomeAllTheTimeSoWeWillAllBeHappierWhenWeCanGoOutMore

#UntilTwoDaysAgoBWasClappingLikeSheWasLookingForAFight #SheLikesToClapAboutEverythingAtTheMoment

Last week she clapped when I put her down for a nap. That made me laugh.

#EvenThoughHerSkinGotWorseAgainAndSheHasAColdAndSheIsTeething

Her skin is so stressful. She still has no teeth. It’s great dealing with a baby with a runny nose.

#ICalledTheDoctorsTheOtherDayAsWeOpenedANewTubeOfHydrocortisoneCreamAndItSaidToOnlyUseItForAWeek #WeHaveBeenUsingItForTwoWeeksAndAsADoctorSaidToUseItTwoTimesADayUntilItWasMuchBetterWeWereOnlyApplyingItOnceADay

Well it was much better and then it suddenly got worse. I wanted some reassurance that it was okay to still use it and to maybe use it twice a day again.

#ThisDoctorSaidItIsFineToKeepUsingItTwiceADayAndBsSkinHasGotMuchBetterAlready

Hurrah. He said some people are on it long term… It’s only a mild one but we still need to be careful.

#WeJustNeedToKeepApplyingHerOtherCreamEveryHourOrSoAndItDefinitelyMakesADifferenceToo

We have ‘Dermol 500’ which the other doctors prescribed. We were using that and that hydromol, but yesterday we just kept applying Dermol and it seemed to make things better.

Her skin is the worst under her vest, and she has a sleepsuit on top of it most of the time. Last night we thought we would try her without the vest but she was crying her eyes out at 11.30 and we put it back on. Her skin seems better. We had also put her in a new brand of nappies, so we’ve gone back to her old ones. The problem with changing a few things is that you’re not sure what is really helping, but I think it is a mix of things really.

#SheHasARunnyNoseWhichSheDoesNotLikeHavingWipedSoThatMakesForALotOfFun

Like I said before – ‘It’s great dealing with a baby with a runny nose.’

#AtTheWeekendSheWasCrawlingALittleBitButThenSheWasSuddenlyOffAroundTheRoom

My Mum came on Saturday morning and B was moving around a bit, then by the afternoon she was crawling fast towards a toy that she wanted.

My Nan has a trolley that she likes to crawl to and play with the wheels, so we’re keeping that away from her now.

#YesterdaySheCrawledIntoTheKitchenAndPushedHerselfUpToStandingOnTheStepladderThatISitOnToFeedHer

It’s now time for constant vigilance. Yay.

#ItIsAmazingHowMuchSheChangesWeekToWeek

We talk to a woman who walks a dog when we see her, which is usually about once a week. She commented yesterday about how much B has changed since she last saw her – which was probably 5 days ago.

#AtTheMomentWeAreTryingToHaveTheTelevisionOnLessAndSpendMoreTimeInHerRoom #ItIsMyNansHouseSoIfSheWantsTheTelevisionOnThenSheShouldHaveItOnButIFeelGuiltyForWatchingIt #BHasMuchBetterPlaytimeWhenItIsNotOnAndWeReadMoreBooksAndSheCrawlsMore

My Nan will say ‘put B’s shows on’. I say ‘B has watched enough TV today’ and my Nan will disagree. I know my Nan means well, but surely me playing with B is much better for her than TV? We didn’t have a TV in Liverpool and we do not plan to have one when we eventually move out. We watch stuff on our computers from time to time, but I don’t like how we can just get stuck in front of the TV. Hopefully the weather will be good soon and we can go out more, and go to classes and do anything else that isn’t sitting in front of the box.

#MoreCrawlingEqualsBetterSleepWhichIsGoodForUsAll

Exactly.

#IAmStillStressedOutWithMealsButNowIJustSeeWhatSheEatsInHalfAnHourAndLeaveItAtThat

Well, sometimes it creeps to 35 to 40 minutes but it is early days.

#SheDoesNotSeemToLikeMeFeedingHerAtLunchAndDinnerButIfSheHasSomeKindOfFingerFoodThenSheDoesNotMind

She loves breakfast and it seems okay for me to feed her, but lunch and dinner are a bit more tricky. I’ve made her broccoli scones and raspberry oat bites that she seems more into, but I need to work on giving her more finger foods as we didn’t do the baby led weaning approach.

I planned to but I found it too stressful.

#ItIs5WeeksUntilWeCanAttendAnInPersonBabyClassAgain

Fingers crossed.

#FriendsElsewhereInTheCountryAreAlreadyAttendingBabyGroupsAndOutdoorClassesAndIAmJealous

If we were still in Liverpool then we would also be quite cut off from things, as we lived on the wrong side of the city for baby classes.

#EvenThoughISaidBeforeThatTheBabyWalksNearUsAreNotFairOnBAsSheIsABitBoredIHaveTriedToBookSinceButTheyAreAlwaysSoldOut

Sometimes I just feel like we need to get out of the house and see people. I feel like B can deal with an hour of it.

#ItIsAnnoyingAsIKnowThatPeopleDoNotShowUpAndSoThereAreAlwaysFreeSpotsButOhWell

We’re on a WhatsApp group and there are usually a lot of ‘sorry I can’t make it messages’. I get it as babies are unpredictable, but we need to book onto it etc.

#ItIsAwkwardWalkingAroundInAGroupLikeThatAndBGetsNothingFromIt

It did make me feel quite anxious last time and I could not really enjoy myself, plus B’s boredom just stressed me out.

#WhenWeDoOnlineClassesNowBKeepsCrawlingOverToMyLaptopAndSmashesAllTheKeys #SometimesSheEndsUpTurningMyCameraOffOrUnmutingUsSoItIsAwkwardButFunny

She was doing it a bit before, but now she is super fast.

#ThereIsAnOnlineCoffeeMorningTodayWithAMumAppThatIUse #IWasGoingToAttendButNowIDoNotSeeThePointAsItIsHighlyUnlikelyThatAnyOfTheMumsWillLiveNearUs

It starts in 15 minutes. B is due to get up in 30 minutes.

I need to do the shoot for this so I’d rather get it done now and then relax during B’s nap later. Or I can just try to quickly do the shoot and attend, and leave early if I do not like it. Hmm. I think I’ll just do the shoot now as we have an online baby class in an hour or so.

#WeJustNeedToWaitThingsOutAndHopeThatThingsDoNotRevert

Let’s hope not.

#IGuessItIsForTheBestThatWeCanNotGoToAnythingAsHopefullyByTheTimeWeCanMyNanWillHaveHadHerSecondVaccine #IKnowItWillNotCompletelyProtectHerButItWillMakeThingsALittleLessStressful

I know that some people are still dying from Covid after having the vaccine, but at least we know she will have some protection and then we need to encourage her to still keep her distance from people etc.

#SheIsAlsoGettingFedUpOfBeingAtHomeAllTheTimeSoWeWillAllBeHappierWhenWeCanGoOutMore

I feel bad for her. I complain about things, but this whole situation is also rubbish for everyone else in different ways. She misses going out to the shops, which was her main source of joy before. Hopefully things will be better for us all soon.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating B With Her Hands And Feet On The Floor (6th March 2021)

Imitating B With Her Hands And Feet On The Floor (6th March 2021)
 
#BIsDefinitelyMovingAroundQuickerEachDay
#YesterdaySheGotStuckByTheCushionsByTheTVAsSheOnlyLikesRollingOneWaySoSheKeptRollingIntoThemRatherThanAwayFromThem
#ThisPhotoIsMeImitatingHerWithHerHandsAndFeetOnTheFloorWhichSheHasStartedToDoInTheLastWeekOrSo
#ICanNotImagineHerWalkingAroundButIGuessThoseDaysAreGettingCloserAndCloser
#SometimesAtNightNowIHearHerCryingSoITurnOnTheMonitorAndSheIsJustSatUpInHerCot
#IHadACallWithMySupportBefrienderPersonTheOtherDay
#SheSaidSheThatCouldTellThatIWasDown
#ISaidIDoNotKnowWhyIBotherMakingProjectsAndThingsWithTheFreeTimeIHaveWhenICouldBeRelaxingInstead
#SheSaidItIsBecauseYouLoveIt
#ILikeThisProjectFromTimeToTimeButItIsMoreThatIFeelIHaveToMakeIt
#WhenIDoAGoodShootIFeelGreatButWhenIDoNotIFeelPrettyDown
#SoHerCommentGaveMeAKickToActuallyStartShootingForAProjectThatIHaveBeenThinkingAboutForAFewWeeks
#IDoNotKnowIfItWillEverSeeTheLightOfDayButIDefinitelyFeelBetterForHavingStartedIt
#ThisMorningTiagoGotBUpAt7AndHeWillLookAfterHerUntilHerNapAtAround10
#IDidMyDanceVideosFirstThingToGetThemDoneAsIFeelLikeTheyHangOverMeAtTheWeekend
#TodayIReallyEnjoyedItButSomeWeeksItIsJustAnotherThingThatIFeelIHaveToDo
#INeedToStopFeelingGuiltyForHavingSomeTimeToMyself
#IWorkPrettyQuicklyNowWithTheFreeTimeIHaveAndTiagoIsBsDadSoOfCourseHeShouldBeSpendingTimeWithHer
#IThinkIFeelBadAsTiagoIsWorkingAllWeekAndMakingMoneyWhereasIDoNotMakeMuch
#IAmDoingSomeNonArtPaidWorkAtTheMomentWhichIJustDoInFifteenMinutesToTwoHoursIshSessions
#IDoLookForOtherWorkWhereBWouldHaveToGoToNurseryButThereDoesNotSeemToBeMuchOutThere
#ItWouldAlsoNeedToBeSomethingWhichLeavesMeWithEnoughAfterPayingNurseryFeesToSeemWorthIt
#MostOfTheMumsIKnowWithBabiesOfASimilarAgeAreEitherBackAtWorkOrGoingBackSoon
#ItIsAnnoyingInTheSenseThatSoonWeWillBeAbleToHangOutWithOtherBabiesButTheyAllMightBeInNurseries
#IGuessThereWillBeSomeAroundThoughWhoseParentsWorkPartTimeOrWhoAreInASimilarPosition
#IHaveSpokenToACoupleOfMumsThisWeekAtThePlaygroundWeGoTo
#IRealiseNowThatEveryoneElseProbablyWantsToChatButTheyAreJustAsAwkwardAsMe
#MyCurrentMumPickupLineIsHowOldIsYourLittleOne
#WeSayWeWillSeeEachOtherAroundButWeHaveLivedHereForFourMonthsAndIDoNotThinkIHaveSeenThemBefore
#WorkingOnANewProjectAndTalkingToPeopleMakesMeFeelHappierSoINeedToKeepOnDoingWhatIAmDoing

#BIsDefinitelyMovingAroundQuickerEachDay

I’m excited for her to walk, but I’m almost nervous. We’re on bump alert most of the time at the moment.

#YesterdaySheGotStuckByTheCushionsByTheTVAsSheOnlyLikesRollingOneWaySoSheKeptRollingIntoThemRatherThanAwayFromThem

We have cushions everywhere. She definitely has a rolling preference. She was getting agitated and I’m like ‘why don’t you just roll the other way?’

Obviously she can’t understand me, but eventually she had rolled into them enough times that she was able to make enough space to roll onto her belly and crawl away. Gripping stuff.

#ThisPhotoIsMeImitatingHerWithHerHandsAndFeetOnTheFloorWhichSheHasStartedToDoInTheLastWeekOrSo

I was toying between imitating this and the way she sits down sometimes. I will have to aim to do that next time.

I haven’t done the shoot yet, but I wrote it like I had. I guess the backdrop will be the cupboards in our bedroom again… I could quickly go into B’s room and do it there, but by the time I finish writing this she is due to sleep. I could just go and do the shoot now. Hmm.

Okay I need to move quick…

Well that was fun. Tiago and B came up during the shoot and the light was blocking the doorway (health and safety!!!), so Tiago passed B over the light which she found hilarious.

I obviously (well maybe it’s not that obvious) have more hair than B. I did some yoga after my dance videos too so that helped, especially as B is so flexible.

#ICanNotImagineHerWalkingAroundButIGuessThoseDaysAreGettingCloserAndCloser

So bizarre. I know other babies who are standing up/supporting themselves, but B seemed to want to crawl first and now she has mastered that she is working on her standing.

#SometimesAtNightNowIHearHerCryingSoITurnOnTheMonitorAndSheIsJustSatUpInHerCot

I wanted to write more about this/I did and then deleted them as I needed more space for other things. Maybe I should have kept them? Maybe I should have saved it for my next post?

It did weird me out the first time I saw her just sat there. I don’t know why, it just looked odd!

#IHadACallWithMySupportBefrienderPersonTheOtherDay

I never know what to call her. The woman who calls me every 2 weeks to talk about my mental health. I had thought about quitting the service as they probably have a waiting list and I don’t want to unnecessarily take up their resources. I just feel like I don’t have time for a 30 minute call every 2 weeks (lol) as it happens during B’s nap, but it is useful and it does make me think differently about things.

#SheSaidSheThatCouldTellThatIWasDown

I was trying to hide it.

#ISaidIDoNotKnowWhyIBotherMakingProjectsAndThingsWithTheFreeTimeIHaveWhenICouldBeRelaxingInstead

I have said it before. I wish I could just relax and do nothing, but I’m stubborn about making work. I obviously need to do it as well.

#SheSaidItIsBecauseYouLoveIt

I was like ‘Do I though?’

#ILikeThisProjectFromTimeToTimeButItIsMoreThatIFeelIHaveToMakeIt

It is more just a project that I feel I am stuck making for now. I don’t know how long I will do it for. I thought maybe until B is one, but maybe it is a more long-term thing now that I just need to do once a week, so I have time for other things?

#WhenIDoAGoodShootIFeelGreatButWhenIDoNotIFeelPrettyDown

At the moment this shoot sits on the so-so pile. I might feel differently about it later.

Some weeks I have really not wanted to do this project, particularly when B was a bit younger.

In my ArtsQuest article (ooh get me quoting myself) I said ‘I decided to set up the blog not long after giving birth in June 2020 in a sleep-deprived haze of confidence. There are times that I have told myself off for giving myself extra work as my stubbornness means I will continue to write posts for probably at least a few more years to come whether anyone reads it or not.

I am glad that I did not quit it when there were times that I wanted to. I think this project will be interesting to look back on when B is older.

My favourite shoots are definitely those where I am imitating B, so I just need to make it more fun and playful.

#SoHerCommentGaveMeAKickToActuallyStartShootingForAProjectThatIHaveBeenThinkingAboutForAFewWeeks

Sometimes I have ideas that pass quickly, but this one was stuck in my head to the point where I knew I needed to do it. I had been doing some research for it, but I usually work best by shooting and seeing where it goes. It’s meant to be a fun project, which is self-portraiture and sticks within my interests.

#IDoNotKnowIfItWillEverSeeTheLightOfDayButIDefinitelyFeelBetterForHavingStartedIt

Starting a project is the hardest thing. Particularly now when my last few photography projects have generally been shoot, talk about it and post it, it’s weird doing work where it doesn’t feel like that might be the case. I may need to sit on it and see. It is another project though where I think I do just need to do keep shooting and accumulate mass to wade through.

Was that poetic? It seemed to be.

#ThisMorningTiagoGotBUpAt7AndHeWillLookAfterHerUntilHerNapAtAround10

He’s just gone off for a bike ride and I had 3 hours in the morning to do things. BEAUTIFUL. It’s 10.30am now and B should be asleep for another 45 minutes, so I’m really enjoying getting things done. In the morning I have a list of things that I want to do in my head and it’s a long time to wait until 7.30pm when I can usually get more things done.

#IDidMyDanceVideosFirstThingToGetThemDoneAsIFeelLikeTheyHangOverMeAtTheWeekend

Nothing like waking yourself up with dance videos. I did 5 today. I usually do 3/4, and one was 7 minutes long!

#TodayIReallyEnjoyedItButSomeWeeksItIsJustAnotherThingThatIFeelIHaveToDo

My support befriender person said I’m disciplined. I guess it’s true.

I’ve always said with the dance videos that the project is over when I don’t want to do it anymore. Some weeks it feels like more of a slog (having to move furniture and stuff is always fun), but other times I do get into it more. It’s meant to be an exercise in not caring and today I didn’t care and just enjoyed it.

#INeedToStopFeelingGuiltyForHavingSomeTimeToMyself

Oh, Mum guilt.

#IWorkPrettyQuicklyNowWithTheFreeTimeIHaveAndTiagoIsBsDadSoOfCourseHeShouldBeSpendingTimeWithHer

And he likes spending time with her. I do not faff so much anymore, particularly at this time of day when I know that I can not take the piss.

#IThinkIFeelBadAsTiagoIsWorkingAllWeekAndMakingMoneyWhereasIDoNotMakeMuch

He works so hard and I want him to have time to rest and relax. Well, I guess playing with your daughter is relaxing?

#IAmDoingSomeNonArtPaidWorkAtTheMomentWhichIJustDoInFifteenMinutesToTwoHoursIshSessions

At the moment the work comes when it comes, when it doesn’t come then I do my own work.

#IDoLookForOtherWorkWhereBWouldHaveToGoToNurseryButThereDoesNotSeemToBeMuchOutThere

It’s a weird time.

#ItWouldAlsoNeedToBeSomethingWhichLeavesMeWithEnoughAfterPayingNurseryFeesToSeemWorthIt

If I’m left with 5 quid afterwards then what’s the point? Some people might say yeah it’s 5 quid, but it seems like a lot of hassle. Hopefully something will come up at some point, but for now I should enjoy spending time with B as I’m sure a lot of people would just prefer to be at home with their kids. I know I am lucky.

Having time away from B this morning makes me look forward to playing with her when she wakes up. I don’t feel as excited if I’m with her all day every day you know? No offence B.

#MostOfTheMumsIKnowWithBabiesOfASimilarAgeAreEitherBackAtWorkOrGoingBackSoon #ItIsAnnoyingInTheSenseThatSoonWeWillBeAbleToHangOutWithOtherBabiesButTheyAllMightBeInNurseries

I just want to have a gaggle of friends who we meet up with in the summer and chill in the park with. She might have to make do with younger friends but that’s fine. A lot of the younger babies that we have met will be acknowledging other babies/not sleeping all the time by the time the better weather comes around.

#IGuessThereWillBeSomeAroundThoughWhoseParentsWorkPartTimeOrWhoAreInASimilarPosition

A lot of people seem to be cutting/condensing their hours to fewer days a week, so I guess there will be a day when people are free to play.

#IHaveSpokenToACoupleOfMumsThisWeekAtThePlaygroundWeGoTo

It always seems to come in phases – one week I talk to people and then I do not talk to anyone for a week.

#IRealiseNowThatEveryoneElseProbablyWantsToChatButTheyAreJustAsAwkwardAsMe

I think people do not know how to start a conversation (like me).

#MyCurrentMumPickupLineIsHowOldIsYourLittleOne

This seems to be a good one. I don’t offend someone by misgendering their child, and it’s something that doesn’t seem too intimidating. I usually direct it to people who have sat their kid in the swing next to us.

#WeSayWeWillSeeEachOtherAroundButWeHaveLivedHereForFourMonthsAndIDoNotThinkIHaveSeenThemBefore

One woman I think we might have seen once before, but the other one I really don’t think I have. We’ll see how long it takes to bump into them again.

#WorkingOnANewProjectAndTalkingToPeopleMakesMeFeelHappierSoINeedToKeepOnDoingWhatIAmDoing

Last time I spoke to more people I was feeling really down due to ‘am I pregnant/am I not?’ issues and other people made the effort, but now I am feeling better I am the one reaching out. I guess things go in waves, but I want to keep getting mentally and physically stronger.


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Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating How B Puts Her Arms Up When I Pick Her Up (2nd March 2021)

Me with my arms in the air.
Imitating How B Puts Her Arms Up When I Pick Her Up (2nd March 2021)
 
#IHaveCalledTheShootFolderPutYourArmsInTheAirLikeYouAreBAndYouDoNotCare
#BeforeWhenIPickedHerUpSheWouldJustNotMoveHerArmsAndSoItWasEasyToLiftAndCarryHer
#NowAfterYouPickHerUpSheWillJustThrowHerArmsUpStraightIntoTheAirAndAsSheIsGettingHeavierItCanBeQuiteAStruggle
#HerSkinIsABitBetterButIThinkItWillTakeSomeTimeToGoAwayCompletely
#IAmABitBoredOfApplyingCreamsAndThingsButObviouslyItIsForTheBest
#AfterMyLastShootIWentToAnOnlineZoomMeetingForLocalMumsWhileBWasAsleep
#ItWasJustSoSuperAwkwardAsIDidNotRealiseIWasOnMuteAtFirstAndThenIDidNotGetToTalkOrSoItFelt
#ItMadeMeRememberWhyIHadNotBeenToOneForTwoMonthsOrSoAndIHadACryAfterwards
#AfterBWasUpIBlewMyNoseAndThenSheWasCryingAsItHadScaredHer
#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainAndPostingABlogEntryTheOtherDayMadeMeRealiseThatMyLastBadPatchWasNotThatLongAgo
#INeedToStartLookingAfterMyselfBetterSoThatICanBeABetterMumForB
#IWantToGetMentallyStrongAsWellAsPhysicallyStrong
#InTheLastWeekIHaveStartedToTryToDoPushups
#IThoughtMyArmsShouldBeGettingStrongerWithAllThisBabyCarryingButIRealisedHowWeakTheyAreStill
#DoYouEverGetThatFeelingOfThereIsSoMuchThatYouWantToDoButYouDoNotKnowWhereToStartSoInsteadOfDoingSomethingYouDoNothing
#IFeltABitLikeThatTheOtherDayAndISpentALotOfMyFreeTimeAtTheWeekendJustWatchingTaskmaster
#IThinkIAmJustABitScaredOfFailureSlashWastingMyTimeSoIWouldRatherRelax
#WeHadOurSecondDateNightTheOtherNightWhichWasUsJustWatchingTheFilmStanAndOllie
#SoOurDateNightIsBasicallyUsJustWatchingTVTogether
#OnceBGoesToSleepIAmUsuallyOffDoingWorkOrProcrastinatingOrTryingToRead
#IAmABitFrustratedByAllThePeopleActingLikeLockdownIsOver
#SuddenlyThereAreLargeGroupsSatInTheParkHavingPicnicsAndDrinking
#IGetItIKnowThatPeopleAreFedUpAndWhatever
#IAmJustBitterAsIWouldNotEnjoyMyselfIfIDidTheSame
#AndIAmWorriedThatByTheTimeBabyClassesAreDueToReopenTheyWillNotBeAllowedToAsInfectionRatesMightGetWorseAgain
#BSeemsToBeTeethingALotAgain
#SheHasBeenTeasingUsWithThisOnOffTeethingBusinessForAWhileButMaybeAToothWillSoonAppear
#EveryDayILoveHerABitMore
#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAndJustBeMorePresentWhenIAmWithHer
#IAlsoNeedToTalkToHerMoreButIFindItDifficultAsTheDaysAreSoLongAndRepetitiveAndIGetTired

#IHaveCalledTheShootFolderPutYourArmsInTheAirLikeYouAreBAndYouDoNotCare

I am so funny.

#BeforeWhenIPickedHerUpSheWouldJustNotMoveHerArmsAndSoItWasEasyToLiftAndCarryHer

Hands under the arms. Great.

#NowAfterYouPickHerUpSheWillJustThrowHerArmsUpStraightIntoTheAirAndAsSheIsGettingHeavierItCanBeQuiteAStruggle

Sometimes I worry that she will just slip out of my hands.

#HerSkinIsABitBetterButIThinkItWillTakeSomeTimeToGoAwayCompletely #IAmABitBoredOfApplyingCreamsAndThingsButObviouslyItIsForTheBest

Her chest seems a little worse in places. I am thinking it is heat rash as she does sleep on her tummy a lot. I’ve been experimenting with making her room cooler at bedtime this last week. It seems to have been going okay.

#AfterMyLastShootIWentToAnOnlineZoomMeetingForLocalMumsWhileBWasAsleep

I usually do work/have me time when B is asleep and these zoom chats are always when B is napping. However I felt in the mood to talk to people

#ItWasJustSoSuperAwkwardAsIDidNotRealiseIWasOnMuteAtFirstAndThenIDidNotGetToTalkOrSoItFelt

I am cringeing now. I thought they were ignoring me, but then I realised that I had muted my computer via the button on my keyboard. Later on I tried to talk but someone else also spoke at the same time, so I just let them carry on. Then I asked a question to one of the women, but at that moment she went on mute and it was just super awkward.

#ItMadeMeRememberWhyIHadNotBeenToOneForTwoMonthsOrSoAndIHadACryAfterwards

I was crying quite a lot. I think it was partly because of the call, but also just crying to get other things off of my chest.

#AfterBWasUpIBlewMyNoseAndThenSheWasCryingAsItHadScaredHer

I was still crying, so I had to blow my nose. Then she started to cry, which made me cry more as I felt terrible. I do not like crying in front of her. It was a bad day.

#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainAndPostingABlogEntryTheOtherDayMadeMeRealiseThatMyLastBadPatchWasNotThatLongAgo

This entry.

I said:

#OnceInAWhileIHaveDownPatchesAboutMyWorkAndIAmHavingOneRightNow

I think they’re more frequent occurrences than ‘once in a while’ to be fair.’

Reading that while feeling in a similar patch made me realise that it is more common. I had thought about quitting my fortnightly mental health call, but I think I need it for now.

#INeedToStartLookingAfterMyselfBetterSoThatICanBeABetterMumForB

I wrote about this a lot the other night in my diary.

#IWantToGetMentallyStrongAsWellAsPhysicallyStrong

I’m bored of sounding like such a negative whiney person. I think I write this at least once a month.

A big part of it is also feeling like I’m only as good as my last shoot and I haven’t liked my last couple of shoots. I hope today’s shoot goes better.

#InTheLastWeekIHaveStartedToTryToDoPushups #IThoughtMyArmsShouldBeGettingStrongerWithAllThisBabyCarryingButIRealisedHowWeakTheyAreStill

I’ve done 30 days of yoga a few times now and I still can not do chaturanga to upward facing dog without touching the floor between them. So with more pushups I hope to be able to achieve this (I can do it sometimes, but I want to be able to do it all the time).

#DoYouEverGetThatFeelingOfThereIsSoMuchThatYouWantToDoButYouDoNotKnowWhereToStartSoInsteadOfDoingSomethingYouDoNothing #IFeltABitLikeThatTheOtherDayAndISpentALotOfMyFreeTimeAtTheWeekendJustWatchingTaskmaster #IThinkIAmJustABitScaredOfFailureSlashWastingMyTimeSoIWouldRatherRelax

I was tired. I need to not be so hard on myself and let myself relax a bit. Previously I would have just jumped into doing something. Now I am trying to think about it more first before I do it, though I think I am at the point where I just need to try something.

It’s difficult not having a good space to work in, like when I was using what is now B’s room. Our bedroom is okay, but it’s not the most ideal. I miss a blank wall. I’m going to order a backdrop or paper or something.

#WeHadOurSecondDateNightTheOtherNightWhichWasUsJustWatchingTheFilmStanAndOllie

We had planned to watch this last week, but instead we watched 3 episodes of tv.

Amy Poehler told a joke at the Golden Globes the other night that summed it up nicely:  ‘Now, TV is the one that I watch five hours straight, but a movie is the one that I don’t turn on because it’s two hours. I don’t want to be in front of my TV for two hours, I want to be in front of the TV for one hour five times.’

#SoOurDateNightIsBasicallyUsJustWatchingTVTogether

So most couple’s normal nights? We don’t watch TV together in the evenings after B is asleep usually.

#OnceBGoesToSleepIAmUsuallyOffDoingWorkOrProcrastinatingOrTryingToRead

I rarely sit in the living room while B is asleep. I’m usually sat in our room. I’ve started 3 books lately, but I need to actually finish one.

Library e-books are a better way for me to read as I usually have 14 days to read them before it’s time to return it for someone else in the queue. If I own it then I do not do such a good job of finishing it.

A book that I am aiming to finish is The Five by Hallie Rubenhold.

Last night I should have just got into bed early and read it, but when I’m tired I procrastinate more than usual and I wasted a lot of time doing nothing.

#IAmABitFrustratedByAllThePeopleActingLikeLockdownIsOver #SuddenlyThereAreLargeGroupsSatInTheParkHavingPicnicsAndDrinking

Hi, it’s me Jocelyn the pandemic police lady again.

#IGetItIKnowThatPeopleAreFedUpAndWhatever

I am also a member of the not very exclusive ‘I’m fed up’ club.

#IAmJustBitterAsIWouldNotEnjoyMyselfIfIDidTheSame

I would feel guilty for openly flouting the rules and I also can not be carefree in the park anymore as I have a baby.

#AndIAmWorriedThatByTheTimeBabyClassesAreDueToReopenTheyWillNotBeAllowedToAsInfectionRatesMightGetWorseAgain

If you all want to get Covid then fine, but just let me leave the house for a baby class or playgroup. Pleaseeee.

#BSeemsToBeTeethingALotAgain #SheHasBeenTeasingUsWithThisOnOffTeethingBusinessForAWhileButMaybeAToothWillSoonAppear

She has been teasing us since before we moved to Birmingham and we have lived here for 4 months now.

#EveryDayILoveHerABitMore

Cheesy but true. I look at her many times during the day and think ‘whoa I grew this little human inside me’.

#INeedToStopFeelingSoGuiltyAndJustBeMorePresentWhenIAmWithHer #IAlsoNeedToTalkToHerMoreButIFindItDifficultAsTheDaysAreSoLongAndRepetitiveAndIGetTired

Maybe these hashtags should be swapped around? Oh well.

I do need to talk to her more. I think I spend a lot of the day in silence/watching more kids TV than she does. I just can not talk all day, especially when the person I am talking to can not really talk back. She has more talkative phases though and I just need to do that thing where you copy then say some words afterwards.

I need to get over things. I wanted a baby. I am so happy that we have B. We are lucky as we have my Nan, and we see my Mum a few times a week. It is just so tiring, but I do still want another one at some point. I’d rather just get on with things as there will never be a good time to have another child now.

(26th March: B throwing her arms up in the air after I picked her up seemed to be a 2 day phase. She hasn’t done it since then.)


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Imitating B Looking At Her Hand (25th February 2021)

Imitating B Looking At Her Hand (25th February 2021)
 
#BStartedToStareAtHerHandsAboutAWeekAgo
#SheHasChangedALotInTheLastFewWeeksAndIGuessSheIsJustALotMoreCuriousAboutThings
#OfCourseSheAlwaysWantsToPlayWithThingsThatAreNotToysOrSheManagesToFindTheToysThatIHaveHiddenAway
#LikeTheTrainWithBlocksThatIDoNotLikeHerToPlayWithIfIAmKeepingAnEyeOnHerFromTheKitchenWhileISortOutHerFood
#ItHasSomeTallColumnsOnItThatIKnowIfSheWouldFellOntoItSheWouldNotBePleased
#HerSkinIsSlowlyGettingBetter
#ItStillDoesNotLookNiceButItHasDefinitelyImprovedALittleBit
#IndoorSwimmingPoolsAreAllowedToReopenFrom12thAprilSoHopefullyByThenItWillHaveCompletelyHealed
#WeWillNeedToBuyHerNewSwimmingStuffAsSheHasProbablyAlreadyOutgrownTheStuffThatSheWentSwimmingInOnce
#AlsoAroundTheTimeIndoorBabyClassesAreDueToResume
#OnThe29thMarchWeWillBeAbleToMeetUpWithMorePeopleOutsideOrInPrivateGardens
#SoItIs4AndAHalfWeeksUntilThenAndNearly7UntilIndoorBabyClassesAndSwimming
#InSomeWaysItFeelsAlmostHarderHavingThingsToCountdownToButIGuessItWillBeBetterWhenThereAreLessWeeksToGo
#HopefullyThingsDoNotGetWorseAgain
#TheOtherNightBWasAwakeFrom11To1AndWeJustCouldNotFigureOutWhatWasWrong
#ThereIsMeantToBeAn8MonthSleepRegressionAndIThinkSheDoesGetAnnoyedIfSheDoesNotHaveEnoughCrawlingTime
#YesterdayIShuffledThingsAboutAndItTookBHalfAnHourToFallAsleepForHerNapBecauseSheProbablyDidNotCrawlEnough
#SheHasSleptBetterTheLastTwoNightsThough
#IAmWorriedThatTheHouseIsTooHotForHerAndItHasBeenFairlyMildAtNight
#LastNightIWokeUpAtFourThirtyAsIWasTooHotAndIThoughtITurnedOffHerHeater
#IWentInAtSevenAndItWasStillOnButSheDidNotSeemToMind
#IThinkSheLikesTheHeatButIDoNotWantHerSkinToGetWorse
#TheOtherDayWeWentToThePlaygroundButBCouldNotGoOnTheBabySwingsAs3AdultsWereJustBlockingThem
#OneBabyWasJustAsleepInASwingAndAnotherKidWasSometimesInTheSwingAndSometimesNot
#ItWouldHaveBeenReallyAwkwardForUsToUseTheOtherSwingAndThereWasNoOneElseThereSoItMustHaveBeenObviousThatWeWereWaiting
#ItJustUpsetsMeAsILikeToThinkIAmConsiderateOfOthersInThePlaygroundButALotOfPeopleDoNotSeemToCare
#HoweverWeWentYesterdayAndWhenWeWereLeavingTwoPeopleRushedToOpenTheGateForUsSoThatMadeMeFeelBetterAboutIt
#IHaveFinallyBookedToGoToTheDentist
#ICanNotRememberTheLastTimeIWentAndMyMaternityExemptionButRunOutSoon
#MyTeethAreSoHorribleSoINeedToMakeThemLookABitBetterBeforeMyAppointment

#BStartedToStareAtHerHandsAboutAWeekAgo

It’s really cute.

I’ll do the shoot in a bit and it’ll probably look similar to pictures I took in 2012 of me just looking at my hands when I got a repetitive strain injury.

(22nd June 2021:

Sore Knuckles (16th June 2012)

Darn my 2012 one is better, though I’m not so sure on the dress which I think I only ever wore out for Halloween (I used to have a few black dresses that I was a witch in).

This time I got a bit caught up with trying to make my hand look look a bit odd – like it’s a random hand – but don’t think it worked.)

#SheHasChangedALotInTheLastFewWeeksAndIGuessSheIsJustALotMoreCuriousAboutThings

It’s funny how babies can suddenly start doing lots more things.

#OfCourseSheAlwaysWantsToPlayWithThingsThatAreNotToysOrSheManagesToFindTheToysThatIHaveHiddenAway

The main examples that I can think of right now being the labels on all of her toys/clothes, playing with tea towels, just being obsessed with her flannel in her bath last night instead of her bath toys…

#LikeTheTrainWithBlocksThatIDoNotLikeHerToPlayWithIfIAmKeepingAnEyeOnHerFromTheKitchenWhileISortOutHerFood #ItHasSomeTallColumnsOnItThatIKnowIfSheWouldFellOntoItSheWouldNotBePleased

I can just one of those going straight into her eye. No thanks.

I hide it behind her toy bag and she is always back there. Her play area is a sea of cushions to try to stop her from hurting herself…

#HerSkinIsSlowlyGettingBetter

Some bits are lots better.

#ItStillDoesNotLookNiceButItHasDefinitelyImprovedALittleBit

Her shoulders are still not great, but I think it’s because a lot of the old skin is coming off.

In the morning we put her steroid cream on, then 20 minutes later we put on a different cream, then 30ish mins later we put another cream on. Then I’m putting a cream on every hour or so during the day.

#IndoorSwimmingPoolsAreAllowedToReopenFrom12thAprilSoHopefullyByThenItWillHaveCompletelyHealed

I was kind of hoping it wouldn’t be sooner as I think her skin needs to be lots better before she goes in a pool again. Mid-April is a good time to aim for.

T’s workmate said her son’s eczema took 6 weeks to clear up, so that works.

#WeWillNeedToBuyHerNewSwimmingStuffAsSheHasProbablyAlreadyOutgrownTheStuffThatSheWentSwimmingInOnce

Great.

#AlsoAroundTheTimeIndoorBabyClassesAreDueToResume

Hurrahhhh. Outdoor classes are allowed to resume before then, though I thought that they counted as support groups and were allowed to go on anyways? Well, I guess there aren’t many outdoor baby groups at this time of year. Might have a look though…

#OnThe29thMarchWeWillBeAbleToMeetUpWithMorePeopleOutsideOrInPrivateGardens

My younger sister lives not too far away so it’ll be nice for her to be able to come round again or to go to hers.

We see her for walks, but she doesn’t really get to see the real B. She sees a baby who is annoyed at being in a pushchair, so it will be nice for her to see B being more herself. We might get some fake grass for B to crawl around on in the garden.

#SoItIs4AndAHalfWeeksUntilThenAndNearly7UntilIndoorBabyClassesAndSwimming

I hope that people keep following the rules and infection rates don’t go up again…

#InSomeWaysItFeelsAlmostHarderHavingThingsToCountdownToButIGuessItWillBeBetterWhenThereAreLessWeeksToGo

Well, the whole ‘one day at a time’ approach gets weary with nothing to look forward to. Things are still far off but time does go by quickly.

#HopefullyThingsDoNotGetWorseAgain

Fingers crossed.

#TheOtherNightBWasAwakeFrom11To1AndWeJustCouldNotFigureOutWhatWasWrong

We didn’t help things by going in and changing her nappy when it didn’t need to be, then putting cream on, then giving her paracetamol. At one point I had to cuddle B as I felt so bad for her. Yeah, she was probably confused by us sometimes picking her up and sometimes not.

Her skin was still bad then though and she was teething.

Annoyingly there was a talk I wanted to go to last night at midnight. If B hadn’t been sleeping last night it would have been alright, but she slept last night and so I did too-ish.

#ThereIsMeantToBeAn8MonthSleepRegressionAndIThinkSheDoesGetAnnoyedIfSheDoesNotHaveEnoughCrawlingTime #YesterdayIShuffledThingsAboutAndItTookBHalfAnHourToFallAsleepForHerNapBecauseSheProbablyDidNotCrawlEnough

Sometimes I move our walk if we have a call with someone when we usually walk. This is usually always a mistake as then B does not get to crawl much and then takes ages to fall asleep, but I need my walk. I need to just let her have an extra 5/10 mins to crawl once we get home.

#SheHasSleptBetterTheLastTwoNightsThough

Hurrah.

#IAmWorriedThatTheHouseIsTooHotForHerAndItHasBeenFairlyMildAtNight #LastNightIWokeUpAtFourThirtyAsIWasTooHotAndIThoughtITurnedOffHerHeater

I had changed her heater to come on a lot less often and for less time, but obviously I messed it up. I also realised that the night before her heater had been on for an hour and a half at point one instead of half an hour…

#IWentInAtSevenAndItWasStillOnButSheDidNotSeemToMind

Note to self, just turn the on commands off, but keep the off commands on so that it covers mishaps.

#IThinkSheLikesTheHeatButIDoNotWantHerSkinToGetWorse

It’s hard trying to figure out what is best for her.

#TheOtherDayWeWentToThePlaygroundButBCouldNotGoOnTheBabySwingsAs3AdultsWereJustBlockingThem #OneBabyWasJustAsleepInASwingAndAnotherKidWasSometimesInTheSwingAndSometimesNot #ItWouldHaveBeenReallyAwkwardForUsToUseTheOtherSwingAndThereWasNoOneElseThereSoItMustHaveBeenObviousThatWeWereWaiting

Has my blog/project become a place for me to b*tch about other parents and B not getting to go on swings? Yes.

I thought about saying something but they had really blocked the swings and I do worry that they might just tell me to p*ss off.

You’re not supposed to hang out with more than one other adult outside (I think?) so I think they were just using it as a way to chat. I always sound like the pandemic police, but I just want B to go on the swing. I don’t want to awkwardly stand around for 15 minutes for no reason.

Yesterday the swings were in use but we went in and within 2 minutes a swing was free. Great.

#ItJustUpsetsMeAsILikeToThinkIAmConsiderateOfOthersInThePlaygroundButALotOfPeopleDoNotSeemToCare

Going to the swings is our daily bit of freedom. B probably doesn’t even care, but obviously I am very passionate about making sure she gets a fair turn on the swings.

#HoweverWeWentYesterdayAndWhenWeWereLeavingTwoPeopleRushedToOpenTheGateForUsSoThatMadeMeFeelBetterAboutIt

Hurrah for better weather and good people.

#IHaveFinallyBookedToGoToTheDentist #ICanNotRememberTheLastTimeIWentAndMyMaternityExemptionButRunOutSoon #MyTeethAreSoHorribleSoINeedToMakeThemLookABitBetterBeforeMyAppointment

I loved our dentist in London. If I had any problems they could usually fit me in that day or the next week. In Liverpool the dentist was terrible and you had to wait weeks to be seen, then obviously the pandemic started. I feel like my teeth need to be looked at and I might as well go while it costs me nothing.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

A Sunday Visit To The Doctors (21st February 2021)

A Sunday Visit To The Doctors (21st February 2021)
 
#BsSkinHasBeenGettingWorse
#IDebatedCallingTheDoctorsYesterdayButItSeemedToBeGettingBetter
#IWasAlsoABitPutOffAsALocalMumSaidTheirDoctorWouldNotSeeTheirBabyAndHadToldThemToGetSomeOverTheCounterCream
#IHadSwitchedFromUsingTheCreamThatTheDoctorPrescribedToADifferentOneWhichSeemedToBeBetter
#ButIThoughtIShouldTryTheDoctorsOneAgainYesterdayAndIThinkThatMadeItWorse
#LastNightAsIPutHerToBedIRealisedHowHorribleItLookedAndThatIShouldHaveCalledEarlierInTheDay
#SheHadAlsoStartedToItchHerSkinWhichSheHadNotDoneBefore
#TodayIsSundayButThereWasSomewhereOpenSoICalledAsSoonAsTheyOpened
#ADoctorCalledUsBackQuiteQuicklyAndSaidToBringHerInInAFewHours
#IWasRelievedThatHeSaidATimeWhereItWouldUsuallyBeHerPlaytime
#IHadGotHerUpAt6TodayAsSheWasMakingNoisesAndIThoughtItMightBeThatHerSkinHadDriedOut
#DuringTheDayWePutACreamOnAtLeastEvery2HoursButObviouslyAtNightWeCanNotDoThat
#SoBHadAnEarlyBreakfastAndSoSheHadLunchALittleEarlierThanUsualButSheAteMoreOfIt
#ThenWeWentOffToTheDoctors
#IWasReallyWorriedAsHerSkinIsReallyBadOnHerShouldersAndThenFairlyBadInPatchesOnHerChest
#IFeltEmbarrassedThatTheyWouldSeriouslyJudgeMeForItWhichToBeFairIDoDeserveAsIShouldNotHaveLetItGetThisBad
#AnywaysIHadToCallReceptionToSayWeWereInTheCarParkThenTheDoctorCalledToSayHeWasComingOutToFindUs
#WeWentThroughAMazeOfABuildingAndBJustStartedToCryAtHimOnceWeGotInTheRoom
#IFeltReallyBadAndHerTearsSoakedTheProtectivePaperThatTheyPutOverTheBed
#AfterAWhileSheCalmedDownThoughAndTheDoctorTookOneLookAtHerSkinAndSaidEczema
#HeSaidHeWouldGiveUsSomeHydrocortisoneAndSomeOtherLotionToUseInsteadOfTheOneTheOtherDoctorPrescribedAndToKeepUsingTheOneThatWeWereNotPrescribed
#TheAppointmentWasQuickButThenHeSpentAgesTryingToFindAPharmacyThatWasOpenForUs
#SheHasAlsoHadLittleBumpsLatelyWhichIThinkAreHeatRashSoTonightHerRoomIsCoolerAndWeHaveChangedHerSleepingBag
#WeGaveHerABathAndIHadToHoldHerHandsAndSingSongsToHerWhileWeGotHerDressedSoThatSheWouldNotScratchHerSkinOff
#HopefullyTodayIsTheWorstDayAndItCanOnlyGetBetterFromHere
#IWasWorriedAboutHerHavingASteroidCreamButTheDoctorSaidItIsALowPercentageAndSoItWillNotThinHerSkin
#NowIReallyWishIHadJustGotHerSomeOfItSooner
#LastNightWeHadADateNightAfterMyMentalHealthPhonePersonSaidWeShould
#IHadBeenThinkingThatWeShouldTryToDoSomethingEveryNightButOnceAWeekIsWayMoreFeasible
#DateNightBasicallyConsistedOfUsWorryingAboutBsSkinWhileWatching3EpisodesOfTheRanganation

This photo just reminds me of my Amalgamated Anomalies project, when I was desparately trying to take images that I had not done before and was just doing anything and everything. AA is probably my favourite project though.

Look at that leg hair. Swimming pools have been closed for a long time and I can’t be arsed. The other day I noticed that it was moving in the bath like plants at the bottom of a river or something.

#BsSkinHasBeenGettingWorse

I was going to mention it in my last post, but I ran out of space and knew I would probably be talking about it more soon anyways.

Here we are…

#IDebatedCallingTheDoctorsYesterdayButItSeemedToBeGettingBetter

Every time I think I should call it looks a bit better.

#IWasAlsoABitPutOffAsALocalMumSaidTheirDoctorWouldNotSeeTheirBabyAndHadToldThemToGetSomeOverTheCounterCream

So I thought maybe I was just wasting their time and be dismissed.

#IHadSwitchedFromUsingTheCreamThatTheDoctorPrescribedToADifferentOneWhichSeemedToBeBetter

This other one just seemed a lot better at hydrating the skin and a friend had said it was the only cream that worked for her baby. (Not blaming her – just stating, and it did seem to make it better for a time.)

#ButIThoughtIShouldTryTheDoctorsOneAgainYesterdayAndIThinkThatMadeItWorse

Arghh. Why did I do that?

I also had started to give her a bit of clementine yesterday and the day before, which I worried might be affecting it. And also she had a cannellini bean dip yesterday where I thought perhaps the lemon was too old?

It could be that anything and everything contributing to it basically.

#LastNightAsIPutHerToBedIRealisedHowHorribleItLookedAndThatIShouldHaveCalledEarlierInTheDay

I cried. Tiago said he knew that I’d cry when I saw it. B wasn’t crying though and she hasn’t seemed any different really.

#SheHadAlsoStartedToItchHerSkinWhichSheHadNotDoneBefore

Apart from the itching. She’s the same but with some itching.

She only seems to do it once I go to put cream on her as well. Classic.

#TodayIsSundayButThereWasSomewhereOpenSoICalledAsSoonAsTheyOpened

I thought other people might still be asleep, but I was 5th in the queue. I guess sick people don’t sleep well…

#ADoctorCalledUsBackQuiteQuicklyAndSaidToBringHerInInAFewHours

I did want her to be seen in person as I thought it looks worse than they can probably imagine on the phone, so that was good.

#IWasRelievedThatHeSaidATimeWhereItWouldUsuallyBeHerPlaytime

I was a bit stressed as she was about to have breakfast then have a 2 hour nap after. And she did nap for the 2 hours as well.

#IHadGotHerUpAt6TodayAsSheWasMakingNoisesAndIThoughtItMightBeThatHerSkinHadDriedOut

I kept waking up in the night worrying that she’d wake up as her skin was so dry and itchy.

#DuringTheDayWePutACreamOnAtLeastEvery2HoursButObviouslyAtNightWeCanNotDoThat

She kept waking up the other night before we started to put cream on more regularly and I wonder if it was due to her skin… Who knows?

#SoBHadAnEarlyBreakfastAndSoSheHadLunchALittleEarlierThanUsualButSheAteMoreOfIt

Boring but hurrah. Tiago made her an omelette for the first time and she seemed to like it.

(NHS recipe. He fried it as our oven is currently broken and didn’t put potato in as we didn’t have one.)

#ThenWeWentOffToTheDoctors

Hurrah.

#IWasReallyWorriedAsHerSkinIsReallyBadOnHerShouldersAndThenFairlyBadInPatchesOnHerChest

I’m so sorry B. I hope by the time I post this that things have improved.

(18th March: It gets better then it gets worse. I think it is just something that we need to monitor for the long term. We’ve since got a new ointment and some bath stuff after I felt like I should call the doctors again.)

#IFeltEmbarrassedThatTheyWouldSeriouslyJudgeMeForItWhichToBeFairIDoDeserveAsIShouldNotHaveLetItGetThisBad

I totally deserve it.

#AnywaysIHadToCallReceptionToSayWeWereInTheCarParkThenTheDoctorCalledToSayHeWasComingOutToFindUs

Love Covid times.

#WeWentThroughAMazeOfABuildingAndBJustStartedToCryAtHimOnceWeGotInTheRoom

We being B and I. Tiago stayed in the car (I guessed it was probably one parent only and I knew we wouldn’t be too long.)

#IFeltReallyBadAndHerTearsSoakedTheProtectivePaperThatTheyPutOverTheBed

The guy had a long beard and he made a joke about it. I said that my Dad has a big beard and B cried when she last saw him too. He was super friendly.

#AfterAWhileSheCalmedDownThoughAndTheDoctorTookOneLookAtHerSkinAndSaidEczema

He looked a bit more than that but he said it pretty quickly. He did not look too shocked by her skin so I am guessing he has seen worse. He’s a doctor – I’m sure he has.

#HeSaidHeWouldGiveUsSomeHydrocortisoneAndSomeOtherLotionToUseInsteadOfTheOneTheOtherDoctorPrescribedAndToKeepUsingTheOneThatWeWereNotPrescribed

All the creams/lotions/ointments. Well one of each really.

#TheAppointmentWasQuickButThenHeSpentAgesTryingToFindAPharmacyThatWasOpenForUs

I casually asked thinking he would know. He looked round the whole map, but luckily in the end there was one not too far from us that we could go to.

I loved the big bag, which is why I will do a shoot with it after. I am hoping one day that it may hold some nostalgia. It’s a very classic design.

(Thanks to the NHS for their help as always.)

I’d photograph her skin for the project, but it seems too much and I do not want the judgement for how bad it looks.

#SheHasAlsoHadLittleBumpsLatelyWhichIThinkAreHeatRashSoTonightHerRoomIsCoolerAndWeHaveChangedHerSleepingBag

My Mum said she thought they looked like heat rash. I am starting to think it more and more. The Doctor’s office was hot and they looked stronger in there. I think I need to order a lighter sleeping bag though.

(18th March: It’s been getting warmer and they seem to be back. Ergh.)

#WeGaveHerABathAndIHadToHoldHerHandsAndSingSongsToHerWhileWeGotHerDressedSoThatSheWouldNotScratchHerSkinOff

Hello distractions and containment(?). We only bath her twice a week, which I thought might stop her skin getting so dry. Nope. We limit her bath to 10-20 minutes now.

Everyone is waiting for tomorrow’s announcement from the Government. I hope swimming pools reopen soon, but at this rate I will not be taking B anytime soon. Her skin needs to heal first.

I am really hoping that baby classes and playgroups will reopen, but we will have to see.

#HopefullyTodayIsTheWorstDayAndItCanOnlyGetBetterFromHere

Hopefully her skin will never be worse than this.

#IWasWorriedAboutHerHavingASteroidCreamButTheDoctorSaidItIsALowPercentageAndSoItWillNotThinHerSkin #NowIReallyWishIHadJustGotHerSomeOfItSooner

Stupid me. I hope this post might help someone who has been put off not wanting to use a stronger cream.

In other news…

#LastNightWeHadADateNightAfterMyMentalHealthPhonePersonSaidWeShould

She just knows I’m stressed out all the time and need to chill more.

#IHadBeenThinkingThatWeShouldTryToDoSomethingEveryNightButOnceAWeekIsWayMoreFeasible

Yes, I had been saying we should get into bed for 9pm. Nah, that never works.

It’s nearly 8.10pm. I said I was going to do my next post tomorrow but I was in the mood to do it tonight, so here I am. I need to do the shoot after this.

#DateNightBasicallyConsistedOfUsWorryingAboutBsSkinWhileWatching3EpisodesOfTheRanganation

We were going to watch a film, but after we spent ages talking about B’s skin a 90 minute film seemed like too much of a commitment. So we watched 90 minutes of TV instead.


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Categories
Oh Me, Oh Mãe

Imitating How B Used To Drink From Her Cup (19th February 2021)

Me holding a purple baby's cup up to my mouth, but it's completely upside down as that's how my daughter drinks from it.
Imitating How B Used To Drink From Her Cup (19th February 2021)
 
#BUsedToDrinkFromTheTopOfHerCupUntilIGuessHerArmsWereStrongEnoughToHoldItUpHigherAndDrinkFromTheBottom
#ItIsOneOfThoseCupsWhereYouCanDrinkFromAllSidesAndIfTheCupWasFullEnoughThenItWorkedForHer
#IAmWritingThisAfterBHasGoneToBedInTheEveningWhichIsUnusualAsIUsuallyWriteInTheMorning
#ThisWeekHasBeenAQuietWorkWeekSoIHaveBeenTryingToRestButThingsWillPickUpAgainNextWeek
#SoIfIWriteThisNowItMeansIHopefullyWillHaveEnoughToWriteAboutInAFewDaysTimeAndThenICanBalanceThingsWell
#IWasGoingToTryAnotherGroupWalkTodayButTheWeatherWasRubbishAndIEndedUpHavingToSortSomeThingsOut
#BUsuallyGoesDownForNapsQuiteWellButAfter30MinutesSheWasStillAwake
#IThinkSheWasOvertiredSoTheWalkWouldHaveBeenGoodForGettingHerToSleepButOhWell
#ThisMorningIWasMakingABatchOfPorridgeForBAndIAccidentallyPutCayennePepperInInsteadOfCinnamon
#IManagedToGetSomeOutAndThenNearlyPutMoreInAgain
#IUsedToMeasureItOutInASpoonButNowIJustChuckItInAndThenINoticedTheColour
#SoINeedToBeMoreCarefulAndPutItInAfterTheButternutSquashHasCookedSoThatICanJustRinseItOffInFuture
#ITriedItAndICouldNotTasteItAsItIsAMassiveBatchSoHopefullyItWillBeOkayTomorrow
#BIsDefinitelyShowingMorePersonalityLately
#ILikeToPlayPeekabooWithHerAroundDoorFramesAndTodaySheWentOohAndThenArghWhenIAppeared
#ItMadeHerSeemSoMuchOlderThanSheIsAndSheWouldLaughAfterwardsWhichThenMadeMeLaugh
#TiagoWentOutAndISaidToNotScareHerLikeHeDidLastTimeWhenHeOpenedTheDoor
#ThisTimeHeMadeBothOfUsJumpThoughHeSaidHeThoughtHeHadOpenedTheDoorGentlyButAtLeastBDidNotCryForAsLongThisTime
#ThePlaygroundThatITakeBToHasACapacityLimit
#TodayThereWereWayTooManyPeopleInThereSoWeStoodOutsideWaiting
#AGroupOfAdultsWereJustStoodInTheMiddleChattingAndIThoughtTheyWouldGetTheHintAfterAWhile
#PeopleWouldJustGoStraightPastUsAsPerUsualAndGoToWalkIntoThePlayground
#SoIThoughtIWouldActuallyTellPeopleItHadReachedCapacityForOnceAsIfTheyGoInThenItIsEvenMoreSoOverCapacitySoWhyAmIWaiting
#TheCoupleOfPeopleThatIToldWereProbablyJustPissedOffWithMeButTheyJustLeftAfterAMinuteToGoElsewhere
#ThenAnotherWomanEitherDidNotHearMeOrJustIgnoredMeAndThenThreeOtherKidsRanIn
#SoWeDidALapAndThenThereWereEvenMorePeopleInThereSoNoPlaygroundForBToday
#MaybeNoOneCaresAndMaybeIJustRuinedKidsPlaytimesTodayButTheSignIsThereForAReasonRight
#IWouldHaveSaidSomethingToThePeopleStoodInTheMiddleJustChattingButISeeOneOfTheGuysAroundALotSoIDoNotWantToCauseDrama
#SoIWasFeelingGrumpyOnTheWayHomeButThenISpokeToAWomanWithADogWhoWeSeeAroundALotSoIFeltABitBetter
#AndThenAWomanMadeDuckSoundsWhileIShowedBSomeDucksSoThatMadeMeSmileToo

#BUsedToDrinkFromTheTopOfHerCupUntilIGuessHerArmsWereStrongEnoughToHoldItUpHigherAndDrinkFromTheBottom

I meant to do a shoot of this while she was actually doing it but I did not get round to it and she stopped doing it sooner than I thought she would.

#ItIsOneOfThoseCupsWhereYouCanDrinkFromAllSidesAndIfTheCupWasFullEnoughThenItWorkedForHer

She was using a different cup, but she seemed to not be able to control how much she got from that one that much.

She creates a pond when she drinks from this still, but long story short it seems better.

#IAmWritingThisAfterBHasGoneToBedInTheEveningWhichIsUnusualAsIUsuallyWriteInTheMorning

I need to do the shoot after this too.

#ThisWeekHasBeenAQuietWorkWeekSoIHaveBeenTryingToRestButThingsWillPickUpAgainNextWeek

I did not know it was going to be a quiet week so I was on edge a bit, but then I realised I just needed to make the most of it as I was tired.

Typically it would have been a good week to do my funding application, but oh well. The deadline has passed now and I only started to come up with ideas of things to work on next yesterday and today anyways.

#SoIfIWriteThisNowItMeansIHopefullyWillHaveEnoughToWriteAboutInAFewDaysTimeAndThenICanBalanceThingsWell

Good planning (I hope).

I keep a list of things to talk about and I did not even talk about them all – I spent too long whining later on as you’ll see.

#IWasGoingToTryAnotherGroupWalkTodayButTheWeatherWasRubbishAndIEndedUpHavingToSortSomeThingsOut

I nearly signed up yesterday but thought I better leave it in case I had things to do. I felt really tired this morning, and then the weather was rubbish and then I got a couple of emails to deal with anyways.

#BUsuallyGoesDownForNapsQuiteWellButAfter30MinutesSheWasStillAwake #IThinkSheWasOvertiredSoTheWalkWouldHaveBeenGoodForGettingHerToSleepButOhWell

Typical. She was awake when I went to get her up this morning, but being really chill. I do not know how long she had been awake for, so I should have put her to bed 15 minutes earlier really. You live and learn.

#ThisMorningIWasMakingABatchOfPorridgeForBAndIAccidentallyPutCayennePepperInInsteadOfCinnamon

We have a big box of spices and then a smaller one on top. The cinnamon is usually there, but the cayenne pepper is normally not.

#IManagedToGetSomeOutAndThenNearlyPutMoreInAgain

I’d put lots of milk in so it was floating on top.

I should have just emptied it out, but I hate wasting things.

#IUsedToMeasureItOutInASpoonButNowIJustChuckItInAndThenINoticedTheColour

If I had measured it out I would have noticed the colour and then checked the label. To be fair it is in a glass container, but I obviously was not paying attention to the colour then. Classic.

#SoINeedToBeMoreCarefulAndPutItInAfterTheButternutSquashHasCookedSoThatICanJustRinseItOffInFuture

You live and learn.

It’s Joe Wicks’ butternut porridge but I can’t find the recipe online.

#ITriedItAndICouldNotTasteItAsItIsAMassiveBatchSoHopefullyItWillBeOkayTomorrow

I’ll try it before giving it to B tomorrow. Looking at websites they say it’s best to wait until 12 months to introduce cayenne pepper to babies.

I should just really eat that batch of porridge and make B a new batch. She might just have to have plain porridge tomorrow, or she can have the carrot porridge that she used to have (also a Joe Wicks recipe).

(14th March: I tasted it the next day and I did not notice it at all. If anything it actually tasted fresher than usual?)

#BIsDefinitelyShowingMorePersonalityLately

I should have said in the hashtags that even with all the whining I love her so much. It’s exciting to see her personality develop.

#ILikeToPlayPeekabooWithHerAroundDoorFramesAndTodaySheWentOohAndThenArghWhenIAppeared #ItMadeHerSeemSoMuchOlderThanSheIsAndSheWouldLaughAfterwardsWhichThenMadeMeLaugh

She did it in such a funny way. I hope this does not sound mean. I can just walk into the room and she’ll jump…

#TiagoWentOutAndISaidToNotScareHerLikeHeDidLastTimeWhenHeOpenedTheDoor

He went to pick up some food so I knew she would still be eating in her high chair when he came back.

#ThisTimeHeMadeBothOfUsJumpThoughHeSaidHeThoughtHeHadOpenedTheDoorGentlyButAtLeastBDidNotCryForAsLongThisTime

I jumped so high. I think last time Tiago had a hat on so it took her longer to recognise him…

#ThePlaygroundThatITakeBToHasACapacityLimit

I’m sure most do right?

Did I really write this many hashtags about this…

#TodayThereWereWayTooManyPeopleInThereSoWeStoodOutsideWaiting

I could see from a distance it was busy and so I started counting. I did debate going in, but the sign is there for a reason.

Also, I’ve gotten this far without getting Covid, so I want to reduce the risk (though I go on group walks and want to go to baby classes, but some kids get so close to us in there).

#AGroupOfAdultsWereJustStoodInTheMiddleChattingAndIThoughtTheyWouldGetTheHintAfterAWhile

How many awkward glances can I make towards them?

#PeopleWouldJustGoStraightPastUsAsPerUsualAndGoToWalkIntoThePlayground

In the past I have waited but B was a lot younger so I thought fair enough their kids are older. Now that B enjoys going on a swing more, I really wanted to let her go on one. Plus we usually only stay for 5 minutes and the baby swings were free.

#SoIThoughtIWouldActuallyTellPeopleItHadReachedCapacityForOnceAsIfTheyGoInThenItIsEvenMoreSoOverCapacitySoWhyAmIWaiting

I thought the wait would be over soon. I felt awkward telling them, but when I’m pissed off I care less and so am more likely to say something.

I did not want to stand right next to the gate as it is an awkward place to stand, but maybe I should next time. They probably just think I’m waiting for someone or something.

#TheCoupleOfPeopleThatIToldWereProbablyJustPissedOffWithMeButTheyJustLeftAfterAMinuteToGoElsewhere

A woman explained to her two kids that it was over capacity. I felt bad and said you can go in if you want, but she said they try to follow the rules though it is difficult with kids. I felt bad.

Then a guy came along with 3 kids. I felt awkward saying something but the woman and kids had literally just left. It seemed like he was just going to go in anyways but he stood right by the gate (maybe he thought I wasn’t waiting?). Eventually they went off to play in a field – I walked past later and they were having fun so I felt less bad.

#ThenAnotherWomanEitherDidNotHearMeOrJustIgnoredMeAndThenThreeOtherKidsRanIn

She walked to the gate via an awkward route due to where I was stood, so she might have just not heard me. So 5 people just went in, so we were definitely going to be waiting a while.

#SoWeDidALapAndThenThereWereEvenMorePeopleInThereSoNoPlaygroundForBToday

By this point I felt invested in making it into the playground. It’s the last day of half term, so it should not be a problem for a little while now.

#MaybeNoOneCaresAndMaybeIJustRuinedKidsPlaytimesTodayButTheSignIsThereForAReasonRight

I’m sure people are reading this and thinking ‘lol you actually follow those rules?!’ I just feel awkward and guilty very easily. Some people might have judged me for going in like I judged them, and like I said I do not want to catch Covid. Long Covid does not sound nice.

My Nan has had a vaccine but she still might react badly to getting Covid. he playground isn’t that big, and if you want to stand in the same spot for 10 minutes then stand on the other side of the playground fence?

#IWouldHaveSaidSomethingToThePeopleStoodInTheMiddleJustChattingButISeeOneOfTheGuysAroundALotSoIDoNotWantToCauseDrama

I want to get to know people in the area, but I don’t think the way to do it is by getting pissed off and then saying something that just gets me known in a negative way. Frustrating. I feel like I did recognise quite a few people today.

I guess the rules are being relaxed soon, but I do feel a little nervous about it all.

#SoIWasFeelingGrumpyOnTheWayHomeButThenISpokeToAWomanWithADogWhoWeSeeAroundALotSoIFeltABitBetter

I said hi to her the other day as we’ve seen her quite a lot. She said ‘you alright?’ but I just smiled. So today I asked her how she is and she was talking to B, and then we talked about her dog. It was nice. I would have chatted longer, but I was blocking the path. I should have just moved, but I did not want to block her and maybe she only wanted a short chat? Welcome to my boring mind.

#AndThenAWomanMadeDuckSoundsWhileIShowedBSomeDucksSoThatMadeMeSmileToo

B took no notice, but I thought it was sweet that she willing to potentially feel a bit silly for B. Or maybe it was for her own amusement? Anyways, it was fun.

Time to do a shoot… I miss my plain wall.

I used the cupboard in the end, and I also realised that I can’t remember how B had her hands while drinking from the top. I also was trying to work out if it is actually easier to drink from the top than the bottom. I don’t know… I guess if you drink from the top then you don’t have to lower it so much to drink from it. After doing this shoot I think she actually might have just been teething on it more than drinking from it, but again I’m not sure.

Babies 🤷‍♀️


Thanks for reading! If you’re enjoying my blog (and/or the work I make) please consider supporting me by ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-fi – thanks!